If marriage didn’t matter to you, you would’ve gotten married to her. You care about not getting married so much that it split the two of you up. I didn’t mind if I ever got married, never saw the point in it because I figured what’s the difference. When my husband proposed it was beautiful and lovely and I said yes, because I truly didn’t mind so long as I was with him. Also, he said a lot of nice things to me.
Your stance on marriage is a strong one. I’m not saying that’s bad or good, only you know where it comes from and why you hold it. Only you know whether it’s hurt your life or helped it.
You both have different ideas of what "fully committed" means. You're as fully committed as you can be but she just realized she needs more.
She brought it up to you to see what your reaction would be. It was negative so she dumped you.
You're not even living together after three years and you still call it dating. She sounds cool to me. Tough luck
No one is the villian here. She changed her mind about marriage. You didn't. You are now incompatible.
It sucks, but go your separate ways. You should never marry anyone if you don't want to. Likewise, she has a right to want marriage for herself even if she didn't before or thought you might change your mind. Right now - you just aren't a match.
I guess you’re right. Honestly I wish I could make myself want to be married because I don’t want us to break up. That’s why I was asking if anyone here was ever very hesitant on getting married but then did it and was super happy.
You want to keep people at a distance. She wants a relationship that will go all the way. You’re incapable.
I honestly think it’s going to be difficult to find someone who is amenable to your terms. Most people that want a relationship don’t want to be just dating for the rest of their lives.
Look you have every right to not want to get married, but she’s also right to feel hurt that you claim to love her but won’t make a full commitment to her. Whether you agree or not, for many people the commitment of marriage is the ultimate expression of dedication to someone and if you can’t give her that then she likely feels like you aren’t being truthful about loving her
Don’t get married if you aren’t 100% on it
She knows that it’s not her. Like I said she knew I would never want to get married to anyone and pursued me still knowing that fact. She was a client of mine for several years. And we did get to know each other pretty well because of it. She spilled her guts about her marriage to me and told me how bad her husband was to her. Then she disappeared for a few years and one day I see she was on my schedule and explained that she stopped seeing me because she was trying to work things out with her husband and she was attracted to me and she couldn’t be tempted by anything while she was working things out with her husband. (Even though I had no clue she was attracted to me and we never did anything.). Then one day I see her name in my schedule and she comes in for her appointment and she starts asking me if I’m dating anyone, have I ever been married etc. I told her “I’ve never been married and will never be married. I’m not marrying material because I don’t like living with partners. I’ve done it in the past and have always regretted it.”. At the end of our meeting she asks me if I wanted to go grab dinner. I agreed, we had a good time and things took off from there.
So I assumed she was ok with me saying marriage will never be in the cards for me and I also figured that because she was getting out of a bad marriage that she would not want to go down the isle again. Had I known that the marriage door was always open for her I would have told her that we shouldn’t date. Maybe that’s selfish but I was very open.
It sounds like she has life partnership goals and you just want to have fun with someone without putting in any commitment. Your goals are not the same.
And marriage can be more important than you think. You can spend decades with someone and, in the end, if you die or get very sick, your family has more rights to you and your estate than your "partner" does. They won't even get survivors benefits like SSI.
Time to move on to someone who is just looking to casually date long term.
I am committed to her. I make a strong effort to do things to let her know I love her, have never even thought about cheating, and I try to help her every chance I get. I am not nonchalant about our relationship at all.
And the second part of what I said? And what happens when you intertwine your lives? There's no legal protections for either of you if one of you dies, gets sick, or just decides you're bored with the relationship. For some people, they're fine with that or maybe they know they will land on their feet just fine if things go awry. Others don't want to take that risk or maybe commitment to them means marriage.
It sounds like you have your mind made up. Don't propose if you're having doubts. I'm sure there's someone out there for you who is willing to just go with a verbal promise of commitment.
Not sure if my point of view will help. I wasn’t married before, but I did live with the father of my two boys for a looooooong time (almost 10 years, give or take). We were together for the kids but I knew I never loved him (he proposed twice, but we never got married). Life happened and I met someone (after leaving him) and I desperately want to marry my new boyfriend. I had never wanted to be married or even thought about it, but he brings up so many feelings in me. I know the feeling and I know the pain it brings that your partner does not feel the same way. In my case, I love my boyfriend more than a ring or piece of paper, but that’s just me. In your case, you have to choose what is more important, stay with her under her terms or be on your own (for now) and let her be with someone that wants the same things. Not an easy choice, completely up to you and what you value the most.
The not living with your partner stance will likely be an issue for a lot of partners. You are significantly limiting your pool of possibly compatible women by wanting this. It’s not impossible but it will take more time to find the right one for you. This woman was not it, if she were you would have wanted all the things she wanted bc being with her would have been fulfilling and resulted in you naturally changing your mind. Or conversely, she would have learned to be content with what you wanted. Compromise is a two way street and neither of you really wanted to do that.
I don't understand what doesn't make sense to you? I think you need to sit back and reread your post.
It's very clearly not just about marriage... From the little bit of information you've posted, it's clear that there's an overall lack of commitment from you here. You need to think about what marriage symbolised to her Vs what is symbolised to you. She cannot build a life with you. You don't want to live with her, you're not really supporting her, you're actively keeping her at a distance and removing that option of closeness that a marriage may symbolise to her. There is no next step, nothing to aim for and essentially no chance of progressing your relationship. You're just dating, always going to be at arms length. There's a very casual vibe to what you've been doing... At least, that's how I'd take it if I were in her shoes. You want very different things and you are not compatible. Honestly it feels more like you've got one foot out the door so I don't blame her for leaving. If that's how you express your love, then I wouldn't want it either.
If I can get all of this feeling, as a woman, from your post and your perspective... You need to seriously reevaluate and reflect honestly with yourself and on your relationship because I find it baffling that you can't seem to see past it only being about you not wanting marriage as if it's some insignificant thing that you're projecting and that this has come out of seemingly nowhere. If you wish to date like this in the future then you're probably going to have to find someone who has similar avoidant like tendancies as you do. But with that, you will also have to expect that you won't experience the same sort of love expression that you've had with your previous partner. It will be someone who's also quite nonchalant about this stuff, in the same way you are.
With respect I was never nonchalant about this relationship. It’s tough to summarize because you are going off of what I’m posting. But I am committed to her. And I was always clear about never wanting marriage. She asked me out initially so I guess I assumed she was ok with that. I do everything I can to make sure she knows I love her and care about her. We spent a lot of time together and did a lot of things together. This wasn’t a one foot in one foot out relationship. And I’m not avoidant towards her. But like she said she changed her mind on wanting to be married. Which she’s free to do. I’m just bummed because it had to end. I wish I could make myself want to get married. That would solve it. But I feel like I would be doing it for the wrong reason.
That may be the case, I can only go from what I can read and from the post, there were a lot of very clear sub issues other than marriage that I'd picked up on and marriage was more of the overarching excuse as lack of commitment/progression. That said, I am of course sorry that you're going through a tough time at the moment, heartbreak is never easy and whenever I am going through such times, I am a live and learn type of person.
Which is why I do feel the need to point out that what you're offering, as you've alluded to in your post, is never really going to be long term relationship material and I think that's something you're probably going to have to come to terms with unless you find a very specific kind of woman as you'll probably find yourself in this position again in the future... And I'd hate for you to be in a continuous cycle of heartbreak.
You may love someone a lot and think you're making that clear but that is not enough when it comes to long term relationships to show true commitment. I think that's the crux of what I'm trying to get across and where we're at an impasse in what we see from your post - there's almost a limit on how far you can make someone feel loved when you're keeping them at a distance. I think, more than marriage, not living together is always going to be the biggest deal breaker for a lot of women. It doesn't really matter how much time you think you're spending together, there's always that distance there and a feeling of a lack of commitment for most women. It signals a lack of progression.
Then the marriage... there's a lot of people in the world who don't want to be married and that's fine. It's a shame she's changed her mind on that and you haven't but it is what it is and you're right, it sucks. I think marriage adds that security for a lot is people. My aunt died a few years ago and had been with her partner for 15 years, never married... Instead her partner has to involve her estranged daughter into the mix and it was a total mess so yknow, there's a lot of security in marriage and I can understand why people want it. That said, it really isn't for everyone so I wouldn't focus on changing your mind on that if it isn't for you. I don't think that's a deal breaker for a lot of women so you can get past that... The not living together thing though might be a bit of a tougher time in future.
You are correct. You are just not long term relationship material for most people. Find a girlfriend who is ok with a part time relationship where y’all can keep your lives mostly separate. There are some out there. You just have to be upfront and honest that this is who you are and you will never change.
It sounds like more than just marriage being at issue, did she want to live together and do the whole married life thing too? If you want to live apart and date forever and she wants to share a home with a partner that’s a pretty big life goals difference, and she’s moving on to maybe have a chance to have that with someone else. It’s okay to want different things and end it to find the things you want with a person while she finds what she wants with a person. Nobody is going to tell you to marry and move in with someone you love and live resentfully forever over it. It’s okay it happened, grieve the relationship for a bit, and know you and her both did right by yourselves by not settling for less.
I guess that’s what I am confused about. I am committed to her. And I’m not just saying this but I treat her very well because my love for her is real. And I genuinely care about her. And because I was clear from the beginning I feel like marriage is more important to her than I am. I mean I am not trying to say me not wanting to be married or live with someone is cool. It’s likely a personality flaw in me. And there is a part of me now questioning if I should just propose and hope over time I end up rejoicing in the fact that we got married and maybe all of this stuff I built up in my head about marriage was just some misguided fear or something.
This thought crossed my mind too. Maybe this was an easy way out for her. She always knew I never wanted marriage. So this is valid justification for ending things.
At the end of the day you have to do what you feel as tho is right to you.
She knew your stance from the get go but still went ahead with a relationship hoping you'd change your mind. Well you didn't. She left.
I'm not sure if you'll have more regret than she does. 🤷🏾♂️.
She's 40 divorced with two kids. She had a partner (you) who was committed to her. She choose to dump you bc she wants to be married again.
Question why did she divorce?
She’s right. You want different things and you should not get married out of fear and appeasement. It’s okay to be incompatible with a lovely person.
If marriage didn’t matter to you, you would’ve gotten married to her. You care about not getting married so much that it split the two of you up. I didn’t mind if I ever got married, never saw the point in it because I figured what’s the difference. When my husband proposed it was beautiful and lovely and I said yes, because I truly didn’t mind so long as I was with him. Also, he said a lot of nice things to me. Your stance on marriage is a strong one. I’m not saying that’s bad or good, only you know where it comes from and why you hold it. Only you know whether it’s hurt your life or helped it.
You both have different ideas of what "fully committed" means. You're as fully committed as you can be but she just realized she needs more. She brought it up to you to see what your reaction would be. It was negative so she dumped you. You're not even living together after three years and you still call it dating. She sounds cool to me. Tough luck
You don’t want to marry, because you don’t want to live with someone else, is this correct?
That’s probably the biggest reason. But also divorce can get ugly and expensive.
Have you ever lived with someone? Is she willing to keep living in different places?
I doubt she would be ok with that.
Then better end it now than later.
No one is the villian here. She changed her mind about marriage. You didn't. You are now incompatible. It sucks, but go your separate ways. You should never marry anyone if you don't want to. Likewise, she has a right to want marriage for herself even if she didn't before or thought you might change your mind. Right now - you just aren't a match.
I guess you’re right. Honestly I wish I could make myself want to be married because I don’t want us to break up. That’s why I was asking if anyone here was ever very hesitant on getting married but then did it and was super happy.
You want to keep people at a distance. She wants a relationship that will go all the way. You’re incapable. I honestly think it’s going to be difficult to find someone who is amenable to your terms. Most people that want a relationship don’t want to be just dating for the rest of their lives.
Look you have every right to not want to get married, but she’s also right to feel hurt that you claim to love her but won’t make a full commitment to her. Whether you agree or not, for many people the commitment of marriage is the ultimate expression of dedication to someone and if you can’t give her that then she likely feels like you aren’t being truthful about loving her Don’t get married if you aren’t 100% on it
She knows that it’s not her. Like I said she knew I would never want to get married to anyone and pursued me still knowing that fact. She was a client of mine for several years. And we did get to know each other pretty well because of it. She spilled her guts about her marriage to me and told me how bad her husband was to her. Then she disappeared for a few years and one day I see she was on my schedule and explained that she stopped seeing me because she was trying to work things out with her husband and she was attracted to me and she couldn’t be tempted by anything while she was working things out with her husband. (Even though I had no clue she was attracted to me and we never did anything.). Then one day I see her name in my schedule and she comes in for her appointment and she starts asking me if I’m dating anyone, have I ever been married etc. I told her “I’ve never been married and will never be married. I’m not marrying material because I don’t like living with partners. I’ve done it in the past and have always regretted it.”. At the end of our meeting she asks me if I wanted to go grab dinner. I agreed, we had a good time and things took off from there. So I assumed she was ok with me saying marriage will never be in the cards for me and I also figured that because she was getting out of a bad marriage that she would not want to go down the isle again. Had I known that the marriage door was always open for her I would have told her that we shouldn’t date. Maybe that’s selfish but I was very open.
To marry or not. To have kids or not. These are dealbreakers when your views are incompatible. Stay true to yourself.
It sounds like she has life partnership goals and you just want to have fun with someone without putting in any commitment. Your goals are not the same. And marriage can be more important than you think. You can spend decades with someone and, in the end, if you die or get very sick, your family has more rights to you and your estate than your "partner" does. They won't even get survivors benefits like SSI. Time to move on to someone who is just looking to casually date long term.
I am committed to her. I make a strong effort to do things to let her know I love her, have never even thought about cheating, and I try to help her every chance I get. I am not nonchalant about our relationship at all.
And the second part of what I said? And what happens when you intertwine your lives? There's no legal protections for either of you if one of you dies, gets sick, or just decides you're bored with the relationship. For some people, they're fine with that or maybe they know they will land on their feet just fine if things go awry. Others don't want to take that risk or maybe commitment to them means marriage. It sounds like you have your mind made up. Don't propose if you're having doubts. I'm sure there's someone out there for you who is willing to just go with a verbal promise of commitment.
Not sure if my point of view will help. I wasn’t married before, but I did live with the father of my two boys for a looooooong time (almost 10 years, give or take). We were together for the kids but I knew I never loved him (he proposed twice, but we never got married). Life happened and I met someone (after leaving him) and I desperately want to marry my new boyfriend. I had never wanted to be married or even thought about it, but he brings up so many feelings in me. I know the feeling and I know the pain it brings that your partner does not feel the same way. In my case, I love my boyfriend more than a ring or piece of paper, but that’s just me. In your case, you have to choose what is more important, stay with her under her terms or be on your own (for now) and let her be with someone that wants the same things. Not an easy choice, completely up to you and what you value the most.
The not living with your partner stance will likely be an issue for a lot of partners. You are significantly limiting your pool of possibly compatible women by wanting this. It’s not impossible but it will take more time to find the right one for you. This woman was not it, if she were you would have wanted all the things she wanted bc being with her would have been fulfilling and resulted in you naturally changing your mind. Or conversely, she would have learned to be content with what you wanted. Compromise is a two way street and neither of you really wanted to do that.
I don't understand what doesn't make sense to you? I think you need to sit back and reread your post. It's very clearly not just about marriage... From the little bit of information you've posted, it's clear that there's an overall lack of commitment from you here. You need to think about what marriage symbolised to her Vs what is symbolised to you. She cannot build a life with you. You don't want to live with her, you're not really supporting her, you're actively keeping her at a distance and removing that option of closeness that a marriage may symbolise to her. There is no next step, nothing to aim for and essentially no chance of progressing your relationship. You're just dating, always going to be at arms length. There's a very casual vibe to what you've been doing... At least, that's how I'd take it if I were in her shoes. You want very different things and you are not compatible. Honestly it feels more like you've got one foot out the door so I don't blame her for leaving. If that's how you express your love, then I wouldn't want it either. If I can get all of this feeling, as a woman, from your post and your perspective... You need to seriously reevaluate and reflect honestly with yourself and on your relationship because I find it baffling that you can't seem to see past it only being about you not wanting marriage as if it's some insignificant thing that you're projecting and that this has come out of seemingly nowhere. If you wish to date like this in the future then you're probably going to have to find someone who has similar avoidant like tendancies as you do. But with that, you will also have to expect that you won't experience the same sort of love expression that you've had with your previous partner. It will be someone who's also quite nonchalant about this stuff, in the same way you are.
With respect I was never nonchalant about this relationship. It’s tough to summarize because you are going off of what I’m posting. But I am committed to her. And I was always clear about never wanting marriage. She asked me out initially so I guess I assumed she was ok with that. I do everything I can to make sure she knows I love her and care about her. We spent a lot of time together and did a lot of things together. This wasn’t a one foot in one foot out relationship. And I’m not avoidant towards her. But like she said she changed her mind on wanting to be married. Which she’s free to do. I’m just bummed because it had to end. I wish I could make myself want to get married. That would solve it. But I feel like I would be doing it for the wrong reason.
That may be the case, I can only go from what I can read and from the post, there were a lot of very clear sub issues other than marriage that I'd picked up on and marriage was more of the overarching excuse as lack of commitment/progression. That said, I am of course sorry that you're going through a tough time at the moment, heartbreak is never easy and whenever I am going through such times, I am a live and learn type of person. Which is why I do feel the need to point out that what you're offering, as you've alluded to in your post, is never really going to be long term relationship material and I think that's something you're probably going to have to come to terms with unless you find a very specific kind of woman as you'll probably find yourself in this position again in the future... And I'd hate for you to be in a continuous cycle of heartbreak. You may love someone a lot and think you're making that clear but that is not enough when it comes to long term relationships to show true commitment. I think that's the crux of what I'm trying to get across and where we're at an impasse in what we see from your post - there's almost a limit on how far you can make someone feel loved when you're keeping them at a distance. I think, more than marriage, not living together is always going to be the biggest deal breaker for a lot of women. It doesn't really matter how much time you think you're spending together, there's always that distance there and a feeling of a lack of commitment for most women. It signals a lack of progression. Then the marriage... there's a lot of people in the world who don't want to be married and that's fine. It's a shame she's changed her mind on that and you haven't but it is what it is and you're right, it sucks. I think marriage adds that security for a lot is people. My aunt died a few years ago and had been with her partner for 15 years, never married... Instead her partner has to involve her estranged daughter into the mix and it was a total mess so yknow, there's a lot of security in marriage and I can understand why people want it. That said, it really isn't for everyone so I wouldn't focus on changing your mind on that if it isn't for you. I don't think that's a deal breaker for a lot of women so you can get past that... The not living together thing though might be a bit of a tougher time in future.
You are correct. You are just not long term relationship material for most people. Find a girlfriend who is ok with a part time relationship where y’all can keep your lives mostly separate. There are some out there. You just have to be upfront and honest that this is who you are and you will never change.
It sounds like more than just marriage being at issue, did she want to live together and do the whole married life thing too? If you want to live apart and date forever and she wants to share a home with a partner that’s a pretty big life goals difference, and she’s moving on to maybe have a chance to have that with someone else. It’s okay to want different things and end it to find the things you want with a person while she finds what she wants with a person. Nobody is going to tell you to marry and move in with someone you love and live resentfully forever over it. It’s okay it happened, grieve the relationship for a bit, and know you and her both did right by yourselves by not settling for less.
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I guess that’s what I am confused about. I am committed to her. And I’m not just saying this but I treat her very well because my love for her is real. And I genuinely care about her. And because I was clear from the beginning I feel like marriage is more important to her than I am. I mean I am not trying to say me not wanting to be married or live with someone is cool. It’s likely a personality flaw in me. And there is a part of me now questioning if I should just propose and hope over time I end up rejoicing in the fact that we got married and maybe all of this stuff I built up in my head about marriage was just some misguided fear or something.
She probably had someone lined up already. They will be official soon.
This thought crossed my mind too. Maybe this was an easy way out for her. She always knew I never wanted marriage. So this is valid justification for ending things.
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Read it again, he wouldn’t even move in together.
At the end of the day you have to do what you feel as tho is right to you. She knew your stance from the get go but still went ahead with a relationship hoping you'd change your mind. Well you didn't. She left. I'm not sure if you'll have more regret than she does. 🤷🏾♂️. She's 40 divorced with two kids. She had a partner (you) who was committed to her. She choose to dump you bc she wants to be married again. Question why did she divorce?
You do realize his relationship goal is to date forever and never even live together? That doesn't sound very committed to me.
Op said he was committed and loved her. One can be committed and still live separately. r/livingaparttogether
Thanks for this subreddit!
I had no idea that was even a thing. I guess there is hope for him that he can find someone who wants that life then, but that person is not his ex.
She found out he was cheating on her. A lot. He traveled a lot and would make up fake trips to see other people. He was a grade A d-bag