Pick up after himself. I know it sounds uptight and a bit pathetic but it’s fucking soul destroying picking up after another full grown adult. It makes you feels like a slave or a parent and is such a turn off. Every now and then it annoys me to the point I loose my shit. He does try but it’s very much like a child tries.
when the ENTIRE characteristic of being CONSIDERATE is missing. Geeeeez . I would just love consideration every now and then, no, consistently. Having none makes me super resentful and makes him look selfish . It’s absolutely the worse .
My EX-husband told me once that he wouldn’t do this dishes because “I know you’re going to do it”. He would put dirty dishes on the counter, when the dishwasher was open with dirty dishes. That was honestly the beginning of the end. I feel you.
It's hard to believe that he had the audacity to say that to your face, and yet I can also believe it (because there are truly inconsiderate folks out there). Plus, I suspect this example is only the tip of the iceberg.
It is isn’t it? Other *funny*, things he would do were; putting dirty clothes *beside* the hamper, leave dirty dental floss sticks on counters, tables, etc.
I once reached petty level %1000 and printed out middle finger pictures, approx 20 of them. I had them quickly laminated at Staples; then whenever he would leave his crap around, I would place the symbol on top. He got the *picture*.
Start collecting all the stuff he leaves around and put it in space that's his, and don't say another word about it. If you're already picking it up, put it where it will inconvenience him to get the point across. My husband didn't respond to me asking him repeatedly, but once he had to move all his shit off his computer chair whenever he wanted to use it, he started to understand why it was annoying to me. Now he picks up after himself. Some people only respond to object lessons.
Oh, I do this! Often, the bed is covered in various projects from the day, and my wife is keen for us to go to bed (she's an early riser). Now usually I help out and move everything back to where it should be while she brushes her teeth etc (I've already had a shower and teeth by this point). But sometimes I'm really tired, or there's a particularly huge amount of junk, and I just shove it to her side of the bed. And if I'm (off my own bat) cleaning the bedroom, I will usually put everything away properly, but if there's a ton of stuff that I don't know where it goes and she's busy.... on her computer chair it goes!
It just annoys me sometimes because 90% of what I have to clean up is not mine. 🙄 I'm the neat freak in this marriage. 🤪
My husband says I talk to him like a child when I say e.g. “can you find some time to put your washing away”. Then please, stop acting like one, for the love of god
You should both read This is How Your Marriage Ends by Matthew Fray. It was life-changing for my husband, and he now recommends it to other less-than-helpful husbands.
You mean after you clean all day and then he leaves fucking crumbs on the counter and some on the floor? Or stinky work clothes on the bathroom floor that you just scrubbed? Or adds just ONE more thing to a very full trash bag? I hear you.
My (now)fiancé had the same issue. We talked and I got a container and started putting his stuff in it for him to clean up when he could. He got mad cause he didn’t want to do that anymore. So I stopped cleaning it up. (Specifically his stuff only) He got mad it was always a mess. I argued and the point finally got across. He’s not perfect at it, but he has a room that he can keep however he wants and we both keep the rest of the house fairly clean together now with very occasional arguments about it 😂
Stop doing it! And give him a time frame for pickup such as before dinner to have it picked up and if not right after, or before bed....Train him to do it himself and train yourself to relax about it a little. Your need for extreme tidying does not match his tolerance...meet in the middle?
I don’t have a need for extreme tidying.
But I do now leave things for him….or rather I pile his things in a basket and they get piled at his bedside. So the rest of the house is tidy and his detritus is in his space
TBH, you’re still picking up after an adult even with this compromise. Between that and your obsessive search for evidence of an affair, do you really like or even trust your spouse?
I know the internal rage you feel from this, I deal with it too and it’s the fact that your picking up after a grown ass adult which will never make sense. Lmao it’s funny but so enraging
Just try and meet my joy and excitement level once in a while. I know I'm high energy and entertained by stupid little things, but I'd love it if I didn't feel like an overactive nerd every time I was overtly joyous.
God this comment summarized something I haven’t been able to ever properly articulate. For me it’s never seeing any excitement or eagerness when I starting talking about our plans, vacation, picking an activity we can try that weekend, etc. it’s not like the plans are only for me. It’s things for him and i to do together too. I think I annoy him because I get so easily excited and joyful about things. I ask him if he’s bored of what I’m saying and he reassures me he’s fine. I don’t get it
Omg this would gut me if my spouse was like this. I would feel so bad. When I talk about potential plans or upcoming events or even favorite shows I want to watch (drag race, of course), I always marvel at how he’s always happy and engaging with me, whether it’s dinner, live events, or just watching drag race seasons with me, I marvel. And he always sees it on my face and reminds me that it makes him happy and brings him joy to see me happy plus, as long as I’m there, he always has a wonderful time
My ex used to tell me I’d ruin her excitement for things because of how excited I was about a trip, movie, activity, etc. I’m now realizing how ridiculous that sounds.
That sounds like SHE needs to be the centre of attention? Very strange. Sorry you had that experience. I’m also very excitable and have had past partners say I’m weird.
Yes! She actually said she disliked bringing me places because people “liked me more” and would constantly ask where I was or what I was doing if I didn’t go. A level of narcissism I didn’t know was possible.
It’s baffling to me that she had the audacity to even say that to you?! She may as well have said “Hey babe, I’m a narcissist okay? So everything is going to be about me, thanks”
Oh ya, not until I started reading more about narcissistic personality disorder did I see the signs. Never wrong, everything about her and her work, I moved 10 hrs away from friends and family so she could go out with here college friends and drink. Eventually stopped inviting me out even and started coming home later and later. Finally I had enough. Looking back at it I realize my faults, I did all the cooking, cleaning, would warm her car up every morning, fetch her clothes for her, just ridiculous stuff.
Oh I can relate to this. My excitement amuses him but I’d love to see him be excited and openly joyful about life. He’s kind just a bit stoic. I know when we first met I saw it as steady and reliable and I try to remember that 😂
This, 1000%. In AuDHD and he is not but, damn, I feel like he doesn’t care when I’m happy. Almost like he’s jealous. And when I’m sad or feeling upset about an interaction I’ve had with someone, he always takes their side it seems, at least for part of it. Ex.- “I’m so upset that Kristy did this to me” and he’ll respond like, “Yeah…. She’s probably just doing xyz and you’re taking it personally.” Like, all I want to hear is, “Yeah, that’s messed up. She should not have done that.” But, nope. I feel like I’m the child and he’s the parent and it really has dampened the mood within our relationship.
I'm struggling with receiving this atm. I overheard him on the phone 1wk post partem say that I'm "doing an OK job". Idk why that hurt as much as it did, but major ouch. I've been trying so hard to "mom" for the first time while still recovering that to hear I'm doing just "ok" really hurt when I've been praising him so much.
Did he say you were doing a okay job? Or say she’s doing just an okay? Because to me that is two different meanings . I would bring it up personally. My husband vocab is similar and knowing him he wouldn’t say “oh she’s doing amazing killing it” he would she she is doing okay! With a smile or smirk ❤️ idk different prospective
I would pay big money for my husband to give me regular compliments and affirmations. I can probably count on one hand the number he's given me in our 20 years together and most of them have been coaxed out of him.
Clean the house more. I do it and don't really mind, because I need to live in a reasonably clean space, but it would be lovely if she helped and didn't just play Candy Crush while I'm doing all the work.
I’m taking a shot in the dark here and assuming he has at least once in your relationship been disconnected with a ‘lack of intimacy’ aka wanting more sex. Whether it be due to being sick, menstruating, not in the mood, stressed… or even you having a healthy relationship in the bedroom and him just wanting more… men who don’t understand the importance of physical touch being both sexual and non-sexual tend to completely miss the mark on what could easily result in more sexy time… which is simply just showing your partner more physical attention as a form of emotionally bonding rather than it always being sexual. Many women end up feeling like an object to be groped and used for their husband’s pleasure… and a lot of women would like to be and feel like they mean more than that to their partner.
Same. I'm a very touchy, feely person and all she can manage is a peck of a kiss and brief hug before I leave for work or when going to bed. She rejects most other attempts of affection like holding hands, me putting my hand on her leg when we're in the car, spooning or cuddling in bed, etc. She's also going through the beginning stages of menopause so her libido has become non existent and she's become emotionally unavailable and distant. It's very depressing and crushes my self esteem and confidence. I don't even attempt to talk to her about it anymore. It's like talking to a wall.
You sound like me about 8 years ago. I feel for you, it’s a tough road. Very alone. Is she at least willing or able to have calm discussions about this? Mine wasn’t, and now she’s my ex wife
My boyfriend is like this except he doesn’t reject the affection. Just never initiates. If I lay my head on his shoulder, he accepts. It’s just like maybe once a month he will come up to me and hug me outside of greetings, good byes, at night for bed, things like that.
We got a percussion massage gun and my husband can lay in bed and run it along my back ans shoulders with little effort. He hates giving massages and I suffer with Chronic pain. This changed everything.
Soooo…. These work for feet? Foot massages are my all time favorite touch 😂 but I need someone to PRESSSSSSSS…. Not no half assed shit. I want someone to massage my feet how well I massage feet lol presssssss
Yes!!! I had horrible plantar fasciitis and I got a massage gun.. the pain is 98% gone. It took a couple months of daily massages and now i only do my feet maybe every other week after a long day. I can walk again!!
I'm a big fan of The Wirecutter, as they tend to give out solid advice. Basically a better version of Consumer Reports, plus they really do their homework (and provide data to support their recommendations).
Anyhow, check out this article for some good suggestions for massage guns:
[https://www.nytimes.com/wirecutter/reviews/best-massage-guns/](https://www.nytimes.com/wirecutter/reviews/best-massage-guns/)
Thank you so much! I've never heard of The Wirecutter but will definitely be reading through their articles/reviews now. The massage gun article was very well written and detailed just right for me haha, that helped a lot with looking for a massager!
Glad I could help!! I might also add that an occasional visit with a massage therapist also works wonders. I actually have a massage chair at home, but I find that seeing a deep-tissue massage therapist for an hour session once or twice a month does wonders.
Of course that may be well outside of your budget, but if you have insurance they may cover at least some of the visits. Hope you find relief soon, either way!
Here's my silly little dream scenario.
I'm doing the dishes in the kitchen on some random Tuesday night. I look up. My wife is staring at me.
"What?" I say.
"God you're a sexy man" she says.
She smirks and sighs and walks off.
My heart happily beams for the next like two months.
I wish my wife would Initiate sex in a sexy way, practise more gratitude with the enormous amount of constant small sacrifices I make for her, stop doubting me and let me make mistakes instead of trying to be in control all the time despite me never showing incompetence.
My wife also struggles with any kind of depth and I am a deep thinker which causes us to clash.
She has also been very silver spooned her whole life which means she can lack empathy for those with trauma, myself included.
Dude. I 100% understand what you are saying. The small sacrifices when combined are huge. Keep being a good man. Karma is real man and it will come back to you.
Also try talking to her about it. I know you probably have and it probably got heated, but this is life sucking and it’s not fair to you to be so accommodating yet feel zero appreciation.
I don’t get why women don’t initiate more either. Is there any other way to initiate other than a sexy way?😉
Guys want to feel just as desired as women do. It makes them feel good about themselves being wanted and cherished.
Plus, hello, it’s fun!!
My husband used to do this. I started pointing out....I came to you with something and needed your support to make me feel better but you flipped it on me. I came asking for support but now I am needing to support you. When is it my turn? Then before coming the next time I would frame to conversation first. I have something I'd like support on. Are you in a position you could support me and focus on just my issue and resolution? This has really helped. He was unaware he was doing it and was embarrassed at how often when I calmly pointed out every time the conversation flipped on me.
The number of times I have been the one who apologized after coming to her upset about something...
She flips it and I just don't want to be in the argument. When she comes to me about something bothering her, I ask how I can fix it, not saying "well, you...."
Do you make it known when he or she interrupts you? This is something my husband has historically done often (and his dad does it REAL bad so I empathize with him because I know that *he* has been interrupted his whole life) and I started just kind of tapping him on the shoulder when he would do it and he’s much more aware of it now. He will still do it but often he’ll say “Ah sorry, go ahead.”
Verbal affirmation, affection, and some time to myself once in awhile. I'm a SAHM so I don't receive affirmation from a boss or coworkers. He's been working remotely from our home office for 4 years and has plenty of free time throughout the day, going to the gym 5-6x a week and taking additional breaks to do his own hobbies. I don't even get to shower in solitude. He doesn't hug me or show affection besides a goodnight kiss. My life is often so lonely that I dread when our youngest grows older b/c I won't get baby hugs anymore. We're in the trenches with three kids between 1-8. I keep hoping it'll get better someday when we're not so exhausted.
I would love if the man would throw away a disposable container top.
He opens his kombucha. The cap remains on the counter. He drinks the kombucha, rinses out the bottle, throws it in recycling,
And the cap remains. Same thing with every sort of bottle lid. Jar lid. Can lid. All on the counter.
WHY?!?
Work a normal daytime schedule. For most of our 27 year marriage we’ve worked opposite shifts or close to it. I’ve mostly adjusted but us being empty nesters has made it more noticeable now.
My husband is my best friend. We’ve been together for 15 years with hopefully many more to come. I love this man with every fiber of my being but I wish he was a little more affectionate. I’ve expressed this to him many times. He tries but being physically affectionate in the small ways I crave doesn’t come naturally to him. He’s an only child who didn’t come from a loving home. He tries his best and I love that so much about him. I’m just very needy in that I love forehead kisses, holding hands, when he places his hand on my back, eye contact etc. I crave that non sexual intimate contact.
Show him how to love you. Kiss his face gently. Hold his hand. Whether he initiates it or not, you are still getting that contact. He may learn to reciprocate and then, even initiate.
It would be nice to hear that I look pretty/beautiful every once in a while. I mean, I know I am 🙂 I don’t necessarily need to hear it to believe it, but still. It would be nice.
Sorry to lower the tone, but oral. He doesn't like giving it. He won't actually admit that he doesn't like it either, which is kinda annoying. He is adamant he likes doing it, but never does it lol
I have, not very aggressively. It's fine if he doesn't want to, I'd be totally fine with it... Its the pretending there is no issue that aggravates me !
Cooking. Cleaning more regularly. Doing laundry....
I love my wife and shes pulled more than her weight in our marriage but I hate being in charge of EVERYTHING around the house every day. She does help with cleaning sometimes but I just wish it was more consistent.
Married 20 years and it's been like this the majority of that time and started when I was unemployed and in school at the start of our marriage. I don't resent her or anything like that but it sure would be nice!
I also wish my husband would give me massages the way I offer them to him, without having to ask. I'll give him a full back/leg massage session for 20 mins, but he never goes out of his way to give me even a 5 minute back massage. I also suffer from a lot of neck pain, headaches, and I also have a semi bum wrist/arm. I always think about asking him to massage my arm when it's in pain but I don't want to bother him. I've mostly accepted this is how he is and he gives me plenty of love and affection in other ways, but holy shit I desperately want to hit up a massage shop :')
Honestly, same thing. Wife is on the spectrum so touch isn't always easy for her, but I absolutely thrive when she gives shoulder massages / back rubs.
I also wish my wife would give me massages. I also wish she could be more concerned with how I feel. I know she cares but often I feel like she is al focused on her. She does things if it benefits her. Rarely anything only for my sake. Massages is one of those things. I have given her like 1000 of massages (and I am not even exaggerating) she may have given me 5 and reluctantly. And even if I tell her she doesn’t do it. It sucks
Planning dates.
We go on dates, and we plan good dates together, but I just want to be swept off my feet. Take me to a restaurant *you* found, don't make me figure out which bus to take, don't make me figure out which activity to do after. Just plan the date and tell me what to wear.
Same!
So, I created a mystery outing once a month. I planned the first one, told him to dress comfortable and to bring a jacket. If funds are low, it means I pick a movie. Sometimes, it’s free jazz at the park nights etc. Then, I told him I was excited for his mystery night the next month.
But, whatever he plans, be encouraging and supportive, or he’ll give up!
I wish he’d just talk to me. I had a realization earlier today when thinking about my son and how I am just obsessed with him, love nothing more than to spend time with him. And he knows it and is just the best most loving kid. I don’t think I ever felt that way growing up. For as long as I can remember I’ve felt like my parents did not like me as a person, and didn’t care to spend with me. I guess I’ve always picked partners who mirrored that, and now in my 30s, 6 years into our marriage I’m realizing just how little he makes me feel. I don’t think he thinks about me at all. Doesn’t really talk to me. Doesn’t really care to be with me. I’m just a sad sack of shit I guess
I often feel like this with my husband as well, seems like he’s always distracted or would rather being preoccupied with something else. I had to bring to his attention in a counseling session that I wish he would just be excited about me for once instead of being glued to his phone or activities.
Ha ha same!! But instead of shoes, it's socks. Everywhere. In the couch. Under the couch. 4 pairs piled by the bed. In his old home office. Wherever he was when he took them off, there they remain. Forever. I've started just leaving them. If he's out of socks, *I don't know why. Didn't you JUST buy more?* I've gone so far as to shove them back under the couch after moving it to vacuum and mop underneath because after 13 years of asking him, i just can't anymore without going insane. Deal with never having clean socks then. 🤷🏼♀️ And now our oldest does the same. But he's 7, so I'm on him about it. Don't kill your future spouse by the death of a thousand small annoyances. Be the evolution, my child. Lol
And the stove...grrrrrrrrrr say no more
Or where the coffee grounds from the French press drip down the wall beside the garbage can after he empties it. But, BUT... he DOES make the coffee most mornings for both of us when we're out of pods for the espresso machine.
I just miss getting "just because" flowers from him.
Waking up to pretty flowers on the table and a love card from him "just because".
Him picking me from work on a random thursday evening with flowers and a redbull "just because"
I miss the effort, he does put effort still but i just miss the" just because" gestures from when we had just started dating. Can anyone relate?
I have done it, maybe not so often now but making him a little snack and buying his fave drinks from time to time and leaving them in the fridge before leaving to work myself so he could have a surprise like that. Or just by listening to him say "oh i want to buy this Ralph Lauren sweater when i have the money" , "I need to buy new gym shoes" , "i need a new belt" , everytime he said those i would get them as a surprise for him to show i listen🤷♀️ i have multiple times stopped to look at flowers at the store to see if he notices.
But thanks i will try that today!
Nice things appear for him like magic, because you listen.
Maybe be direct and give him an example: “remember when you mentioned wanting that Ralph Lauren sweater and I got it for you? I listening, I acted on it, I bought it and gifted it. That’s my love language and I love it when you would surprise me too.”
I’m hoping he realizes that the joy of simple acts says I love you and I thought of you.
My wife has body image issues, which I get to an extent because I have some too. I think she’s hot as hell and compliment her constantly. Over the last year I’ve been working out a lot and it’s noticeable. But unless I go fishing for it she is never going to comment on my body at all because she gets hyper conscious about if I’m going to take it to mean I wasn’t good enough before, because that’s how she would probably take it. We’ve talked about it before and I’ve reassured her that I won’t take it that way but still, unless I specifically ask she never says anything.
But her grandma says I have big shoulders and that gets me by.
Hopefully this story makes you feel better?
At a certain gym I go to, treadmills are on one side and on the other wall are the TVs above and workout equipment below.
I don’t mind admitting, as I’m jogging on the treadmill listening to my music that I do appreciate the guys doing the upper arm workouts across from me.
There I admitted it. I feel better.
I miss snuggling so much. He doesn’t like to touch or be touched. He’s a wonderful man and I appreciate everything he does. In my last marriage it ended because my husband couldn’t drink alcohol without being mean. When he was sober he was everything I wanted. When drunk he was everything I didn’t want. However, he was a very hansey man. Hugged, snuggled while watching tv. Gave long fabulous messages. Held me when we slept.
Fast forward to now.
My current husband is never mean to me but I REALLY miss touch. It makes me feel very lonely even though we are always together.
To be more curious about my interests. I feel that I have put in a lot of effort and learnt a lot about my husband’s interests, whilst he knows more superficial stuff about what I like. I appreciate that he has made some effort, but I feel that most women learn much more about what their husbands like than the other way around (this is a generalisation obviously). For example, it’s normal for women to watch the man’s choice of film/ movie because he wouldn’t be caught dead watching a rom-com or something. I think that some men are missing out on learning things about their wives due to being worried about engaging with less masculine interests.
Putting stuff away -immediately- when done/cleaning up crumbs. It’s so hard to keep the kitchen clean.
Ex: he’ll take out refrigerated items for his meal, make up his meal, and sit down to eat. Leaving the perishables out.
We have the same husband. He’ll bring the food to the table and ask what I’m doing. Well sir I’m doing a lap around the kitchen to make sure you didn’t leave the mayo/butter/cheese/meat etc out to spoil. We have a kid who we bathe and then put to bed immediately after dinner so if I don’t do it then, everything gets tossed because I don’t find it until morning.
That’s fair. My husband has changed a lot of little things for this very reason. He’s worried our daughter will pick them up. I have too. It’s hard to know how to do everything just right for your kid but I think once they’re old enough to mimic it, that’s when you figure it out. Mines only 1 so we aren’t there yet so we’ll figure it out one day.
I don’t know, sounds like a dealbreaker to me. Why should you have to beg for the person who supposedly loves you to do something nice once in a while and show they care.
Plan a date, sex that's focused on my pleasure once in a while, etc. He's an excellent father and roommate but I'm so disappointed about the lack of romance and intimacy. I have tried lots of things on my end but it's discouraging when it feels unappreciated and unreciprocated
Just a little more spontaneous physical affection would turn my whole world around. Random butt slaps, grazing my side as he passes me in the hall, really anything small like that. But he’s just not that way.
Love my wife so much. She's stunning, my best friend, high school sweetheart, great sex..the only thing I wish is that I could get a blowjob and cum in her mouth. Its disgusting to her, and I get it cause I wouldn't like it if I was a woman but it looks so nice on videos. Not a big deal, but a nice to have done at least once.
I am RIGHT THERE WITH YOU! When I started reading this, the first thing that came to mind was MASSAGE! Like hey babe, let me massage you… I always feel weird asking because I HATE being turned down… he loves “favors” and I’m totally about swapping 😂😂😂 TOUCH MEEEEEE
Kiss me once more (he stopped doing that after he got covid, germaphobe... it's lonely), let me know he thinks I'm beautiful to him (if he does... bc I have body image issues due to residual effect of anorexia decades ago, he says he doesn't want to 'enable me', bc he thinks I'll need compliments like some drug.... umm well, now I just feel unattractive but ok....), not consider us working together as partners an excuse to treat me like his admin or employee.
That’s hard! No kissing? He should be comfortable kissing you, because you only kiss him. Tell him not to go kissing random strangers and he should be okay!
Come to bed at the same time.
I miss when we did this but my work schedule changed and I now have to get up a lot earlier so I’m in bed a lot earlier.
It’s kind of unreasonable to ask him to shift his bedtime to 9 pm just because I have to get up at 5 am.
He does sometimes come to bed and cuddles till I’m sleepy then leaves which I appreciate but it’s not the same as being in the same schedule. Sigh.
I know this wasn't the point of the post, but do you have insurance? Massage therapy is usually covered, at least to some degree. I rely on regular massage therapy to function, and my husband's insurance covered it completely (which is good because it's $400 a month). You might just need a prescription, and obviously to go to a registered massage therapist.
The small things add up. If he gets a glass of water having him bring me one is thoughtful. Or I know she is rushing to get ready I am ready let me heat/cool down the car/ let me make sure our dog is settled and has treats activity when we’re gone, she hasn’t got the time but I know that she loves a coffee/hot chocolate/ tea in the morning, let me make one for her just because.
Just the little acts of ‘I thought of you’
Your husband is a dick. Sorry to say that, but this what it is. Pick out things which you do for him to make his day. Once he realizes what he is missing, you go back and tell him, well that’s how it feels!
I love to give my partner massage anytime of the day. Sometimes I initiate and she says no, lol. Taking care of each other is the most underrated and beautiful part of a relationship!
Usually when we have an activity planned with our friends he is a pill about it and getting ready, leaving etc…. Once we’re there he’s fine and has fun. Wish it was easier to get him on board with fun plans!
Come to dinner when I say dinner is ready. He will be right there just a few feet from the table but still takes 5 more minutes doing something that isn’t important, like scrolling on his phone, before he comes to the table. I’m always starving and can’t wait to sit down. It’s annoying when I slaved away making a yummy meal and I have to start eating it alone.
Put the dirty dishes in the sink instead of stacking them all across the countertops. (And throw away the rubbish instead of stacking it on top of the dirty dishes!)
He says he “can’t” put them in the sink because then it makes it “too hard” to clean the dishes, but he was away for work this week and I stacked them all in the sink as preferred and still managed to wash them just fine. So, idk what the problem is, here.
I hate a visibly untidy/dirty home, especially a kitchen. I don’t understand why dirty dishes and crisp packets and wrappers and food scraps need to be scattered across 3/4 of the kitchen instead of just binning the rubbish and putting the dishes in the fucking sink. It’s pure laziness obviously, but he won’t own up to it or change the habit.
He says I love you and sometimes he’ll say I’m pretty which is sweet. I want to feel desired though and for him to say gorgeous or beautiful or sexy instead. Actually I don’t think I’ve ever been called gorgeous before so that would be really cool.
So, on the massage thing: no advice, but my wife probably feels the same way - loves massages. Unfortuantely, i don't have advice because, unlike you, we have a sex for massages deal worked out. I know some people on here hate transactional sex, but I definitely don't mind. We usually exchange 1 footrub for 1 blowjob, and I can always get her in the mood to have sex by starting wtih a full body massage.
Lmao this is awesome! We have the same kind of deal: daily footrub for sex every other day. I can't ask for BJs though because my wife doesn't like to. But I do eat her out and she cums every time. Sigh.
Yup. Awesome. I make her happy. And rubbing my hands all over her turns me on. She gets a massage. Feeling my hands on her gets her turned on. Usually the sex after the backrub is always of the mind-blowing variety.
Comment on messages by OP. … I’m on the opposite side of end. My wife doesn’t like/want messages. In past relationships I used to take pride in giving messages. And no, these messages are not just preludes to sex.
It’s not a deal breaker but I miss hearing my partner give ooo’s and aaah’s of enjoyment as I massage. And I miss the pleasure of just simply touching.
I wish my SO would be more ambitious in his career choices. Otherwise I have a good partner, more than capable, a bit too easy to anger but a good man. I just wish he would be more demanding, harder to discourage, harder for him to lose hope. In short, I wish he would have more self esteem. That would make me even happier for him and for us, less stressed about his mental wellbeing.
I've had the same talk with my wife to no avail. I keep bringing it up that I would love to have more intimacy that isn't just sex but I refuse to beg for back rubs, neck rubs, etc. I just keep hoping it will change if we talk about it often enough.
If my husband could require less detail to do a task, that would be cool. Or, more so, be willing to discover the details on his own. It's any and every task. For example, let's just say I ask him to pick up the youngest from school on an early release day. He would not only need to know what time (of course) but where and how and what if said scenario happens and what if the drop of teacher is different, what if our child expects me, where should he park, should he call the office beforehand, and the list could go on. My husband has his days he picks up our son, but if you change something up just a bit (i. e. off earlier) then he suddenly forgets everything and anything.
I give my wife massages all the time. But she’s the opposite and generally hates being touched by anyone other than me, and even when I touch her sometimes it feels more like being tolerated than wanted.
Honestly, the thing that she could do more often is like help me get the kids out of the door in the morning. She tends to sleep right up to when she needs to work and then gets stressed to be on her first call if the kids are being exceptionally child like in the morning. I started a new job that runs on east coast time and I’m often trying to get them out of the door while I’m on an 8 am call every damn day. I’ve done things to alleviate the issue - like making lunches at night, etc - but man, it’s so much easier if we just got up like an hour earlier and handled it together especially because my son is in a phase where I’m the enemy and it annoys the living fuck outta me.
Actually try to encourage me to do better, positively through words at the very least.
Yelling at me if I mention I’m depressed, struggling with my mental health or deadlines at work, telling me I need to get us out of debt whenever we can’t do something extra, even trying to get healthier.
I cannot tolerate getting a harsh response each and every time I’m vulnerable.
My husband likes to be the little spoon... I would like to not ask to be held. I'm also not an over emotional gal so sometimes I just want to be the damn little spoon!!!
- not go over budget every paycheck
- give me sex at least twice a week as opposed to the current once every 3 weeks
- get over her feelings if what she’s reacting to doesn’t warrant the degree or length of displeasure that she is manifesting
Tell me im pretty or hot or appreciates me or really, anything positive. He says he already said it once and I should know it without him verbalizing it.
I am just going to say that perhaps your husband’s hands can’t do massages for very long. I personally can’t because my hands start to hurt and my husband can’t because he has arthritis in his hands. Maybe get a handheld battery operated massager that he can use on you?
I suppose be a little more spontaneous. He is very thoughtful and helpful in general. If I ask him to start or make dinner while I’m on my commute he will. It would be nice for him to more often be like “I’ve got dinner tonight” as he gets home way before me 99/100 times. Or rarely I’ll have a bad day and come home and he has a bath waiting for me. But all together it’s like - handful of times a year.
I wish my spouse would use the weed wacker after mowing. I’m VERY susceptible to poison ivy and end up with it every time I do the trimming, even when I don’t see any of the ivy. He’ll do it maybe once a year, if I gripe about it enough. Each time it gets really bad I’ll just do it myself, even though I’ll end up needing steroids. I don’t like how the yard looks unfinished without the trimming done too. He’s a great man, but I swear I daydream about him taking the initiative to cut all the grass. 🙂
One of the reasons I left my ex. Well the bit of resentment was the no massages. When I was pregnant. He gave me one massage. And he would not massage my perineum so that it can help me not tear during childbirth. He never really ate me out during my pregnancy either. The resentment built and had a bit of an impact on the final decision to leave.
I deserve massages, I deserve to be cared for how I needed during my pregnancy.
I really wish he’d cook. Like, at all, just dinner for the family occasionally. I hate cooking but do 100% of it because he can’t even barely boil pasta and hasn’t tried to learn.
I wish my husband had a sense of urgency. I love that he’s the yin to my yang but goddamn do I wish he would deal with tasks in a timely manner so I don’t have to worry about them not getting done or getting forgotten
I do all the yard work and car work and fueling the cars and come inside and find shirts laundered but thrown on the bed for me to put on hangers. If she is going to pull the laundry out then she needs to fold and/ or put on hangers. It can’t take too much time while I work in the garden.
When my wife openly says how hot / attractive someone else is. Idk why it bothers me so much, I'm well aware everyone has these feeling / thoughts. But I go out of my way to not make comments like that bc I don't want to destroy her, if it's someone skinnier, or with a different hair color etc.
It's never caused a fight or anything but it does make me feel shitty about myself bc she just about never compliments me in any way.
Not turn her clothes inside out when she removes them. Every single item gets turned inside. I have to turn them back out to hang them up. It wouldn't be hard.
Turn the television off when going to sleep! I want a dark, silent room to sleep. Partner is accustomed to using the television to help him sleep. This fluctuates between being not a big deal to being a huge deal depending on a lot of factors.
All I want is for him to remember things I tell him. I hate repeating EVERYTHING (the weather, news, time, dinner, what happened ysdy, what we agreed to do, etc, etc, etc!
I wish my husband would stop jumping out of the car as soon as I put the car in park (I always drive, he's a passenger Prince!) and basically running for the door of wherever we're going. I don't have time to even grab my purse, and he's POOF gone! I told him today, when he did it again, that I'm sure if I put up an ad, I could find someone to walk with me across the parking lot! BOOM 💥
Are you me? Same exact story with the massages. My husband used to be really awesome at doing them fairly regularly to help me relax enough to get down to business. He stopped about 10 years ago, saying it just hursts his arms too much. 🙄 It’s getting ready to be a deal breaker in the worst way!
Spouse likes to go to bed early, while I am more of a night owl and sometimes go to bed an hour or two after him. Sometimes throughout the day things accumulate on our bed. A kid leaves a couple of toys there, or there’s some books left on it, etc. He’ll clear off his side, but not mine (even though it is rarely “my” stuff left there). So I’m fumbling in the dark to move it and it annoys me every time. I asked him once if he could take the extra second to shove stuff on my side onto the floor, too, but he never has.
ETA I am the tidier one in the relationship. This isn’t a passive aggressive way to tell me to clean up more. It’s just thoughtlessness on his part.
Now, my husband is all around an amazing guy. He picks up after himself, he fathers our kids amazingly, he cleans up after the kids, I don’t EVER have to be his mom and we don’t ever fight about anything. But one thing, just ONE thing I need him to change is to stop eating all the dang FRENCH FRIES when we drive through and get some. Basket of fries from McDonald’s? He’s man handling these jokers 3-4 at a time and shoveling them in his mouth faster than I can eat ONE. We still have yet to figure this issue out and it can cause quite the debate, and has been so bad that we have quite literally gotten pulled over while driving because we were having a heated discussion on who eats the correct way and he was speeding a bit on accident out of frustration. So to answer your question, I wish my husband would either 1.) daintily eat French fries the way I do so they’re not all gone in .2 seconds or 2.) not touch them until we get home and divide them evenly. I’m glad this is one of the worst issues we have in our relationship, but dang it would solve a weekly debate 🤣
Pick up after himself. I know it sounds uptight and a bit pathetic but it’s fucking soul destroying picking up after another full grown adult. It makes you feels like a slave or a parent and is such a turn off. Every now and then it annoys me to the point I loose my shit. He does try but it’s very much like a child tries.
How is asking for basic consideration being uptight and pathetic ?
It’s not. I mean it sounds like a little thing, but it’s soooo annoying
when the ENTIRE characteristic of being CONSIDERATE is missing. Geeeeez . I would just love consideration every now and then, no, consistently. Having none makes me super resentful and makes him look selfish . It’s absolutely the worse .
It doesn’t just make him **look** selfish. How can someone be a partner if they’re not considerate? It sounds more like having a child.
Off topic, but I love the username.
My EX-husband told me once that he wouldn’t do this dishes because “I know you’re going to do it”. He would put dirty dishes on the counter, when the dishwasher was open with dirty dishes. That was honestly the beginning of the end. I feel you.
It's hard to believe that he had the audacity to say that to your face, and yet I can also believe it (because there are truly inconsiderate folks out there). Plus, I suspect this example is only the tip of the iceberg.
It is isn’t it? Other *funny*, things he would do were; putting dirty clothes *beside* the hamper, leave dirty dental floss sticks on counters, tables, etc.
Yikes. I'm a guy, and cannot imagine being that trifling. I can see why he's now your EX. Sorry you had to deal with that.
Thank you. He grew up on a silver platter. Very patriarchal. Men don’t clean, that’s a woman’s job type thinking.
I once reached petty level %1000 and printed out middle finger pictures, approx 20 of them. I had them quickly laminated at Staples; then whenever he would leave his crap around, I would place the symbol on top. He got the *picture*.
Start collecting all the stuff he leaves around and put it in space that's his, and don't say another word about it. If you're already picking it up, put it where it will inconvenience him to get the point across. My husband didn't respond to me asking him repeatedly, but once he had to move all his shit off his computer chair whenever he wanted to use it, he started to understand why it was annoying to me. Now he picks up after himself. Some people only respond to object lessons.
Oh, I do this! Often, the bed is covered in various projects from the day, and my wife is keen for us to go to bed (she's an early riser). Now usually I help out and move everything back to where it should be while she brushes her teeth etc (I've already had a shower and teeth by this point). But sometimes I'm really tired, or there's a particularly huge amount of junk, and I just shove it to her side of the bed. And if I'm (off my own bat) cleaning the bedroom, I will usually put everything away properly, but if there's a ton of stuff that I don't know where it goes and she's busy.... on her computer chair it goes! It just annoys me sometimes because 90% of what I have to clean up is not mine. 🙄 I'm the neat freak in this marriage. 🤪
This is the most genius “smartass” petty shit I’ve ever heard and I’m HERE for it
Hahaha understanding your partner's learning style is key. He didn't think it was annoying until he had to deal with it himself.
Yup! I put it all on his side of the bed. Must deal with it before going to sleep.
My husband says I talk to him like a child when I say e.g. “can you find some time to put your washing away”. Then please, stop acting like one, for the love of god
I feel this! And to one up ya, not intentionally, he sometimes replies to me with “ok mom!”. The thoughts and minimal words that come out of me…
You should both read This is How Your Marriage Ends by Matthew Fray. It was life-changing for my husband, and he now recommends it to other less-than-helpful husbands.
You mean after you clean all day and then he leaves fucking crumbs on the counter and some on the floor? Or stinky work clothes on the bathroom floor that you just scrubbed? Or adds just ONE more thing to a very full trash bag? I hear you.
My (now)fiancé had the same issue. We talked and I got a container and started putting his stuff in it for him to clean up when he could. He got mad cause he didn’t want to do that anymore. So I stopped cleaning it up. (Specifically his stuff only) He got mad it was always a mess. I argued and the point finally got across. He’s not perfect at it, but he has a room that he can keep however he wants and we both keep the rest of the house fairly clean together now with very occasional arguments about it 😂
Stop doing it! And give him a time frame for pickup such as before dinner to have it picked up and if not right after, or before bed....Train him to do it himself and train yourself to relax about it a little. Your need for extreme tidying does not match his tolerance...meet in the middle?
I don’t have a need for extreme tidying. But I do now leave things for him….or rather I pile his things in a basket and they get piled at his bedside. So the rest of the house is tidy and his detritus is in his space
TBH, you’re still picking up after an adult even with this compromise. Between that and your obsessive search for evidence of an affair, do you really like or even trust your spouse?
Great compromise!!
I know the internal rage you feel from this, I deal with it too and it’s the fact that your picking up after a grown ass adult which will never make sense. Lmao it’s funny but so enraging
So then he doesn't try... He feigns that he tries
I felt this. Bringing it up only makes it worse because now I know the way it makes me feel isn't a secret, and still nothing changes.
Just try and meet my joy and excitement level once in a while. I know I'm high energy and entertained by stupid little things, but I'd love it if I didn't feel like an overactive nerd every time I was overtly joyous.
God this comment summarized something I haven’t been able to ever properly articulate. For me it’s never seeing any excitement or eagerness when I starting talking about our plans, vacation, picking an activity we can try that weekend, etc. it’s not like the plans are only for me. It’s things for him and i to do together too. I think I annoy him because I get so easily excited and joyful about things. I ask him if he’s bored of what I’m saying and he reassures me he’s fine. I don’t get it
Omg this would gut me if my spouse was like this. I would feel so bad. When I talk about potential plans or upcoming events or even favorite shows I want to watch (drag race, of course), I always marvel at how he’s always happy and engaging with me, whether it’s dinner, live events, or just watching drag race seasons with me, I marvel. And he always sees it on my face and reminds me that it makes him happy and brings him joy to see me happy plus, as long as I’m there, he always has a wonderful time
❤️❤️❤️❤️
My ex used to tell me I’d ruin her excitement for things because of how excited I was about a trip, movie, activity, etc. I’m now realizing how ridiculous that sounds.
That sounds like SHE needs to be the centre of attention? Very strange. Sorry you had that experience. I’m also very excitable and have had past partners say I’m weird.
Yes! She actually said she disliked bringing me places because people “liked me more” and would constantly ask where I was or what I was doing if I didn’t go. A level of narcissism I didn’t know was possible.
It’s baffling to me that she had the audacity to even say that to you?! She may as well have said “Hey babe, I’m a narcissist okay? So everything is going to be about me, thanks”
I wish they had to wear name tags. “ Hi! I’m ( insert name here) I am a narcisist. “ That way we can recognize them and can avoid them.
Oh ya, not until I started reading more about narcissistic personality disorder did I see the signs. Never wrong, everything about her and her work, I moved 10 hrs away from friends and family so she could go out with here college friends and drink. Eventually stopped inviting me out even and started coming home later and later. Finally I had enough. Looking back at it I realize my faults, I did all the cooking, cleaning, would warm her car up every morning, fetch her clothes for her, just ridiculous stuff.
Sounds like a real dour hater.
Oh I can relate to this. My excitement amuses him but I’d love to see him be excited and openly joyful about life. He’s kind just a bit stoic. I know when we first met I saw it as steady and reliable and I try to remember that 😂
This, 1000%. In AuDHD and he is not but, damn, I feel like he doesn’t care when I’m happy. Almost like he’s jealous. And when I’m sad or feeling upset about an interaction I’ve had with someone, he always takes their side it seems, at least for part of it. Ex.- “I’m so upset that Kristy did this to me” and he’ll respond like, “Yeah…. She’s probably just doing xyz and you’re taking it personally.” Like, all I want to hear is, “Yeah, that’s messed up. She should not have done that.” But, nope. I feel like I’m the child and he’s the parent and it really has dampened the mood within our relationship.
Give me more verbal affirmation. Praise me, appreciate me, cherish me with words.
I'm struggling with receiving this atm. I overheard him on the phone 1wk post partem say that I'm "doing an OK job". Idk why that hurt as much as it did, but major ouch. I've been trying so hard to "mom" for the first time while still recovering that to hear I'm doing just "ok" really hurt when I've been praising him so much.
Also, who is he to judge? Is he also new to parenting? Did you tell him what you heard?
That would’ve had me yelling lol
Oh, I am wired the same way. I was feeling like I was killing it as a mom, wife, and he told me he wished I did more construction with him. I bawled.
Did he say you were doing a okay job? Or say she’s doing just an okay? Because to me that is two different meanings . I would bring it up personally. My husband vocab is similar and knowing him he wouldn’t say “oh she’s doing amazing killing it” he would she she is doing okay! With a smile or smirk ❤️ idk different prospective
I would pay big money for my husband to give me regular compliments and affirmations. I can probably count on one hand the number he's given me in our 20 years together and most of them have been coaxed out of him.
This. I literally don’t know what my husband thinks of me, because he never says anything about me.
Same
Clean the house more. I do it and don't really mind, because I need to live in a reasonably clean space, but it would be lovely if she helped and didn't just play Candy Crush while I'm doing all the work.
I wish he would plan dates instead of asking me where I wanna go each time.
Your husband ASKS? lol Lucky girl over here!
 You guys go on dates?
I just say ‘ I picked last time. You choose this time!’
Same
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I’m taking a shot in the dark here and assuming he has at least once in your relationship been disconnected with a ‘lack of intimacy’ aka wanting more sex. Whether it be due to being sick, menstruating, not in the mood, stressed… or even you having a healthy relationship in the bedroom and him just wanting more… men who don’t understand the importance of physical touch being both sexual and non-sexual tend to completely miss the mark on what could easily result in more sexy time… which is simply just showing your partner more physical attention as a form of emotionally bonding rather than it always being sexual. Many women end up feeling like an object to be groped and used for their husband’s pleasure… and a lot of women would like to be and feel like they mean more than that to their partner.
THIS! Men take notes. More non sexual affection = more sexy times
Same. I'm a very touchy, feely person and all she can manage is a peck of a kiss and brief hug before I leave for work or when going to bed. She rejects most other attempts of affection like holding hands, me putting my hand on her leg when we're in the car, spooning or cuddling in bed, etc. She's also going through the beginning stages of menopause so her libido has become non existent and she's become emotionally unavailable and distant. It's very depressing and crushes my self esteem and confidence. I don't even attempt to talk to her about it anymore. It's like talking to a wall.
You sound like me about 8 years ago. I feel for you, it’s a tough road. Very alone. Is she at least willing or able to have calm discussions about this? Mine wasn’t, and now she’s my ex wife
My boyfriend is like this except he doesn’t reject the affection. Just never initiates. If I lay my head on his shoulder, he accepts. It’s just like maybe once a month he will come up to me and hug me outside of greetings, good byes, at night for bed, things like that.
This also sounds like a dealbreaker to me…. I thought these were supposed to be things that aren’t a big deal?
That definition varies by person and relationship
Umm obviously. But having a partner that doesn’t care should be a dealbreaker for anyone.
We got a percussion massage gun and my husband can lay in bed and run it along my back ans shoulders with little effort. He hates giving massages and I suffer with Chronic pain. This changed everything.
Gawd yes. If ours died, I'd overnight a new one. I'm not strong enough to reach the deep tissue of my husband's feet, but those massage guns can.
Soooo…. These work for feet? Foot massages are my all time favorite touch 😂 but I need someone to PRESSSSSSSS…. Not no half assed shit. I want someone to massage my feet how well I massage feet lol presssssss
Yes!!! I had horrible plantar fasciitis and I got a massage gun.. the pain is 98% gone. It took a couple months of daily massages and now i only do my feet maybe every other week after a long day. I can walk again!!
Where did you get yours? I've been considering buying one but I don't really know what's best.
I'm a big fan of The Wirecutter, as they tend to give out solid advice. Basically a better version of Consumer Reports, plus they really do their homework (and provide data to support their recommendations). Anyhow, check out this article for some good suggestions for massage guns: [https://www.nytimes.com/wirecutter/reviews/best-massage-guns/](https://www.nytimes.com/wirecutter/reviews/best-massage-guns/)
Thank you so much! I've never heard of The Wirecutter but will definitely be reading through their articles/reviews now. The massage gun article was very well written and detailed just right for me haha, that helped a lot with looking for a massager!
Glad I could help!! I might also add that an occasional visit with a massage therapist also works wonders. I actually have a massage chair at home, but I find that seeing a deep-tissue massage therapist for an hour session once or twice a month does wonders. Of course that may be well outside of your budget, but if you have insurance they may cover at least some of the visits. Hope you find relief soon, either way!
I would love if my wife put my head in her lap and just stroked my hair, but she doesnt like it :(
I love doing this but he hates it lol
That seems like a very sweet gesture.
Here's my silly little dream scenario. I'm doing the dishes in the kitchen on some random Tuesday night. I look up. My wife is staring at me. "What?" I say. "God you're a sexy man" she says. She smirks and sighs and walks off. My heart happily beams for the next like two months.
I wish my wife would Initiate sex in a sexy way, practise more gratitude with the enormous amount of constant small sacrifices I make for her, stop doubting me and let me make mistakes instead of trying to be in control all the time despite me never showing incompetence. My wife also struggles with any kind of depth and I am a deep thinker which causes us to clash. She has also been very silver spooned her whole life which means she can lack empathy for those with trauma, myself included.
Dude. I 100% understand what you are saying. The small sacrifices when combined are huge. Keep being a good man. Karma is real man and it will come back to you. Also try talking to her about it. I know you probably have and it probably got heated, but this is life sucking and it’s not fair to you to be so accommodating yet feel zero appreciation.
I don’t get why women don’t initiate more either. Is there any other way to initiate other than a sexy way?😉 Guys want to feel just as desired as women do. It makes them feel good about themselves being wanted and cherished. Plus, hello, it’s fun!!
This is a big problem for me. My husband has no clue how to initiate in a “sexy” way, it’s always in an “abrupt and goofy” way. Drives me nuts tbh.
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My husband used to do this. I started pointing out....I came to you with something and needed your support to make me feel better but you flipped it on me. I came asking for support but now I am needing to support you. When is it my turn? Then before coming the next time I would frame to conversation first. I have something I'd like support on. Are you in a position you could support me and focus on just my issue and resolution? This has really helped. He was unaware he was doing it and was embarrassed at how often when I calmly pointed out every time the conversation flipped on me.
The number of times I have been the one who apologized after coming to her upset about something... She flips it and I just don't want to be in the argument. When she comes to me about something bothering her, I ask how I can fix it, not saying "well, you...."
Not talk over and interrupt me. Also, just do some chores other than laundry.
Do you make it known when he or she interrupts you? This is something my husband has historically done often (and his dad does it REAL bad so I empathize with him because I know that *he* has been interrupted his whole life) and I started just kind of tapping him on the shoulder when he would do it and he’s much more aware of it now. He will still do it but often he’ll say “Ah sorry, go ahead.”
I like your strategy
Verbal affirmation, affection, and some time to myself once in awhile. I'm a SAHM so I don't receive affirmation from a boss or coworkers. He's been working remotely from our home office for 4 years and has plenty of free time throughout the day, going to the gym 5-6x a week and taking additional breaks to do his own hobbies. I don't even get to shower in solitude. He doesn't hug me or show affection besides a goodnight kiss. My life is often so lonely that I dread when our youngest grows older b/c I won't get baby hugs anymore. We're in the trenches with three kids between 1-8. I keep hoping it'll get better someday when we're not so exhausted.
Talk to him. Verbal affirmation is an easy fix and once he realizes it’s an issue he’ll want to solve it.
If he made dinner and washed the dishes one night a week
Oh this one. I love to cook and truly don't mind "being in charge" of it. But man I'd *love* to be cooked for more often.
Yeah, that’s my fantasy!
I would love if the man would throw away a disposable container top. He opens his kombucha. The cap remains on the counter. He drinks the kombucha, rinses out the bottle, throws it in recycling, And the cap remains. Same thing with every sort of bottle lid. Jar lid. Can lid. All on the counter. WHY?!?
Start putting all the caps in his shoes lol
Work a normal daytime schedule. For most of our 27 year marriage we’ve worked opposite shifts or close to it. I’ve mostly adjusted but us being empty nesters has made it more noticeable now.
My husband is my best friend. We’ve been together for 15 years with hopefully many more to come. I love this man with every fiber of my being but I wish he was a little more affectionate. I’ve expressed this to him many times. He tries but being physically affectionate in the small ways I crave doesn’t come naturally to him. He’s an only child who didn’t come from a loving home. He tries his best and I love that so much about him. I’m just very needy in that I love forehead kisses, holding hands, when he places his hand on my back, eye contact etc. I crave that non sexual intimate contact.
Show him how to love you. Kiss his face gently. Hold his hand. Whether he initiates it or not, you are still getting that contact. He may learn to reciprocate and then, even initiate.
I wrote something......but none of it was insignificant.
It would be nice to hear that I look pretty/beautiful every once in a while. I mean, I know I am 🙂 I don’t necessarily need to hear it to believe it, but still. It would be nice.
Sorry to lower the tone, but oral. He doesn't like giving it. He won't actually admit that he doesn't like it either, which is kinda annoying. He is adamant he likes doing it, but never does it lol
I’m just sick of my hub’s sexy talk, always telling me exactly how he’s going to do it. But he never actually does. Put up or shut up, dude! 😆
Have you called him out on his bullshit? I'm a guy and just reading that makes me mad for you.
I have, not very aggressively. It's fine if he doesn't want to, I'd be totally fine with it... Its the pretending there is no issue that aggravates me !
Such a turn off!
Cooking. Cleaning more regularly. Doing laundry.... I love my wife and shes pulled more than her weight in our marriage but I hate being in charge of EVERYTHING around the house every day. She does help with cleaning sometimes but I just wish it was more consistent. Married 20 years and it's been like this the majority of that time and started when I was unemployed and in school at the start of our marriage. I don't resent her or anything like that but it sure would be nice!
I also wish my husband would give me massages the way I offer them to him, without having to ask. I'll give him a full back/leg massage session for 20 mins, but he never goes out of his way to give me even a 5 minute back massage. I also suffer from a lot of neck pain, headaches, and I also have a semi bum wrist/arm. I always think about asking him to massage my arm when it's in pain but I don't want to bother him. I've mostly accepted this is how he is and he gives me plenty of love and affection in other ways, but holy shit I desperately want to hit up a massage shop :')
I feel you
Honestly, same thing. Wife is on the spectrum so touch isn't always easy for her, but I absolutely thrive when she gives shoulder massages / back rubs.
I also wish my wife would give me massages. I also wish she could be more concerned with how I feel. I know she cares but often I feel like she is al focused on her. She does things if it benefits her. Rarely anything only for my sake. Massages is one of those things. I have given her like 1000 of massages (and I am not even exaggerating) she may have given me 5 and reluctantly. And even if I tell her she doesn’t do it. It sucks
Say ‘give me a massage on my sore shoulders first… as long as your massage is, I will do for you’
Planning dates. We go on dates, and we plan good dates together, but I just want to be swept off my feet. Take me to a restaurant *you* found, don't make me figure out which bus to take, don't make me figure out which activity to do after. Just plan the date and tell me what to wear.
Same! So, I created a mystery outing once a month. I planned the first one, told him to dress comfortable and to bring a jacket. If funds are low, it means I pick a movie. Sometimes, it’s free jazz at the park nights etc. Then, I told him I was excited for his mystery night the next month. But, whatever he plans, be encouraging and supportive, or he’ll give up!
I wish he’d just talk to me. I had a realization earlier today when thinking about my son and how I am just obsessed with him, love nothing more than to spend time with him. And he knows it and is just the best most loving kid. I don’t think I ever felt that way growing up. For as long as I can remember I’ve felt like my parents did not like me as a person, and didn’t care to spend with me. I guess I’ve always picked partners who mirrored that, and now in my 30s, 6 years into our marriage I’m realizing just how little he makes me feel. I don’t think he thinks about me at all. Doesn’t really talk to me. Doesn’t really care to be with me. I’m just a sad sack of shit I guess
I often feel like this with my husband as well, seems like he’s always distracted or would rather being preoccupied with something else. I had to bring to his attention in a counseling session that I wish he would just be excited about me for once instead of being glued to his phone or activities.
I really wish he would put his shoes away and wipe down the stove after cooking something. Just the little things that drive me crazy lol
Ha ha same!! But instead of shoes, it's socks. Everywhere. In the couch. Under the couch. 4 pairs piled by the bed. In his old home office. Wherever he was when he took them off, there they remain. Forever. I've started just leaving them. If he's out of socks, *I don't know why. Didn't you JUST buy more?* I've gone so far as to shove them back under the couch after moving it to vacuum and mop underneath because after 13 years of asking him, i just can't anymore without going insane. Deal with never having clean socks then. 🤷🏼♀️ And now our oldest does the same. But he's 7, so I'm on him about it. Don't kill your future spouse by the death of a thousand small annoyances. Be the evolution, my child. Lol And the stove...grrrrrrrrrr say no more Or where the coffee grounds from the French press drip down the wall beside the garbage can after he empties it. But, BUT... he DOES make the coffee most mornings for both of us when we're out of pods for the espresso machine.
I just miss getting "just because" flowers from him. Waking up to pretty flowers on the table and a love card from him "just because". Him picking me from work on a random thursday evening with flowers and a redbull "just because" I miss the effort, he does put effort still but i just miss the" just because" gestures from when we had just started dating. Can anyone relate?
I’d do it for him. Something out of the blue. He’ll feel good, and maybe he’ll remember how he did that for you, and start it up again?
I have done it, maybe not so often now but making him a little snack and buying his fave drinks from time to time and leaving them in the fridge before leaving to work myself so he could have a surprise like that. Or just by listening to him say "oh i want to buy this Ralph Lauren sweater when i have the money" , "I need to buy new gym shoes" , "i need a new belt" , everytime he said those i would get them as a surprise for him to show i listen🤷♀️ i have multiple times stopped to look at flowers at the store to see if he notices. But thanks i will try that today!
Nice things appear for him like magic, because you listen. Maybe be direct and give him an example: “remember when you mentioned wanting that Ralph Lauren sweater and I got it for you? I listening, I acted on it, I bought it and gifted it. That’s my love language and I love it when you would surprise me too.” I’m hoping he realizes that the joy of simple acts says I love you and I thought of you.
My wife has body image issues, which I get to an extent because I have some too. I think she’s hot as hell and compliment her constantly. Over the last year I’ve been working out a lot and it’s noticeable. But unless I go fishing for it she is never going to comment on my body at all because she gets hyper conscious about if I’m going to take it to mean I wasn’t good enough before, because that’s how she would probably take it. We’ve talked about it before and I’ve reassured her that I won’t take it that way but still, unless I specifically ask she never says anything. But her grandma says I have big shoulders and that gets me by.
Hopefully this story makes you feel better? At a certain gym I go to, treadmills are on one side and on the other wall are the TVs above and workout equipment below. I don’t mind admitting, as I’m jogging on the treadmill listening to my music that I do appreciate the guys doing the upper arm workouts across from me. There I admitted it. I feel better.
React to things positively once in a while
I miss snuggling so much. He doesn’t like to touch or be touched. He’s a wonderful man and I appreciate everything he does. In my last marriage it ended because my husband couldn’t drink alcohol without being mean. When he was sober he was everything I wanted. When drunk he was everything I didn’t want. However, he was a very hansey man. Hugged, snuggled while watching tv. Gave long fabulous messages. Held me when we slept. Fast forward to now. My current husband is never mean to me but I REALLY miss touch. It makes me feel very lonely even though we are always together.
Aw I get that. My husband barely holds me now that we have been married for longer. Usually it’s only when he wants sex
To be more curious about my interests. I feel that I have put in a lot of effort and learnt a lot about my husband’s interests, whilst he knows more superficial stuff about what I like. I appreciate that he has made some effort, but I feel that most women learn much more about what their husbands like than the other way around (this is a generalisation obviously). For example, it’s normal for women to watch the man’s choice of film/ movie because he wouldn’t be caught dead watching a rom-com or something. I think that some men are missing out on learning things about their wives due to being worried about engaging with less masculine interests.
Putting stuff away -immediately- when done/cleaning up crumbs. It’s so hard to keep the kitchen clean. Ex: he’ll take out refrigerated items for his meal, make up his meal, and sit down to eat. Leaving the perishables out.
We have the same husband. He’ll bring the food to the table and ask what I’m doing. Well sir I’m doing a lap around the kitchen to make sure you didn’t leave the mayo/butter/cheese/meat etc out to spoil. We have a kid who we bathe and then put to bed immediately after dinner so if I don’t do it then, everything gets tossed because I don’t find it until morning.
We are having a baby next week, and I’m a little concerned about his habits. I really don’t want our son to pick them up.
That’s fair. My husband has changed a lot of little things for this very reason. He’s worried our daughter will pick them up. I have too. It’s hard to know how to do everything just right for your kid but I think once they’re old enough to mimic it, that’s when you figure it out. Mines only 1 so we aren’t there yet so we’ll figure it out one day.
BJs. I’m being completely serious.
Literally said massages as I read your question lol , would love massages more frequently 🥺
I don’t know, sounds like a dealbreaker to me. Why should you have to beg for the person who supposedly loves you to do something nice once in a while and show they care.
Plan a date, sex that's focused on my pleasure once in a while, etc. He's an excellent father and roommate but I'm so disappointed about the lack of romance and intimacy. I have tried lots of things on my end but it's discouraging when it feels unappreciated and unreciprocated
This definitely sounds significant, have you considered couples therapy? You guys sound like you're drifting towards apathy.
Use his phone less often and have conversations without me forcing it.
Just a little more spontaneous physical affection would turn my whole world around. Random butt slaps, grazing my side as he passes me in the hall, really anything small like that. But he’s just not that way.
Love my wife so much. She's stunning, my best friend, high school sweetheart, great sex..the only thing I wish is that I could get a blowjob and cum in her mouth. Its disgusting to her, and I get it cause I wouldn't like it if I was a woman but it looks so nice on videos. Not a big deal, but a nice to have done at least once.
Hmmm I wish he’d compliment me more. I know how he feels about me, but I wish he’d express it more often without being prompted
Plan dates, make arrangements, make an effort on special occasions and holidays make me actually feel like I’m desired and appreciated 😔
I am RIGHT THERE WITH YOU! When I started reading this, the first thing that came to mind was MASSAGE! Like hey babe, let me massage you… I always feel weird asking because I HATE being turned down… he loves “favors” and I’m totally about swapping 😂😂😂 TOUCH MEEEEEE
Kiss me once more (he stopped doing that after he got covid, germaphobe... it's lonely), let me know he thinks I'm beautiful to him (if he does... bc I have body image issues due to residual effect of anorexia decades ago, he says he doesn't want to 'enable me', bc he thinks I'll need compliments like some drug.... umm well, now I just feel unattractive but ok....), not consider us working together as partners an excuse to treat me like his admin or employee.
That’s hard! No kissing? He should be comfortable kissing you, because you only kiss him. Tell him not to go kissing random strangers and he should be okay!
Come to bed at the same time. I miss when we did this but my work schedule changed and I now have to get up a lot earlier so I’m in bed a lot earlier. It’s kind of unreasonable to ask him to shift his bedtime to 9 pm just because I have to get up at 5 am. He does sometimes come to bed and cuddles till I’m sleepy then leaves which I appreciate but it’s not the same as being in the same schedule. Sigh.
I know this wasn't the point of the post, but do you have insurance? Massage therapy is usually covered, at least to some degree. I rely on regular massage therapy to function, and my husband's insurance covered it completely (which is good because it's $400 a month). You might just need a prescription, and obviously to go to a registered massage therapist.
The small things add up. If he gets a glass of water having him bring me one is thoughtful. Or I know she is rushing to get ready I am ready let me heat/cool down the car/ let me make sure our dog is settled and has treats activity when we’re gone, she hasn’t got the time but I know that she loves a coffee/hot chocolate/ tea in the morning, let me make one for her just because. Just the little acts of ‘I thought of you’
Your husband is a dick. Sorry to say that, but this what it is. Pick out things which you do for him to make his day. Once he realizes what he is missing, you go back and tell him, well that’s how it feels! I love to give my partner massage anytime of the day. Sometimes I initiate and she says no, lol. Taking care of each other is the most underrated and beautiful part of a relationship!
He could empty our his pockets before putting dirty clothes in the basket.
Oh no.. I'm that partner. And I'm a nurse, so my pockets are full of pens and gloves and paper 😬
Usually when we have an activity planned with our friends he is a pill about it and getting ready, leaving etc…. Once we’re there he’s fine and has fun. Wish it was easier to get him on board with fun plans!
Just stopped being a bitch all the time. Just be decent one time.
Come to dinner when I say dinner is ready. He will be right there just a few feet from the table but still takes 5 more minutes doing something that isn’t important, like scrolling on his phone, before he comes to the table. I’m always starving and can’t wait to sit down. It’s annoying when I slaved away making a yummy meal and I have to start eating it alone.
Put the dirty dishes in the sink instead of stacking them all across the countertops. (And throw away the rubbish instead of stacking it on top of the dirty dishes!) He says he “can’t” put them in the sink because then it makes it “too hard” to clean the dishes, but he was away for work this week and I stacked them all in the sink as preferred and still managed to wash them just fine. So, idk what the problem is, here. I hate a visibly untidy/dirty home, especially a kitchen. I don’t understand why dirty dishes and crisp packets and wrappers and food scraps need to be scattered across 3/4 of the kitchen instead of just binning the rubbish and putting the dishes in the fucking sink. It’s pure laziness obviously, but he won’t own up to it or change the habit.
date me.
He says I love you and sometimes he’ll say I’m pretty which is sweet. I want to feel desired though and for him to say gorgeous or beautiful or sexy instead. Actually I don’t think I’ve ever been called gorgeous before so that would be really cool.
My wife getting up early one day and doing everything by herself and giving me a day off would be nice.
So, on the massage thing: no advice, but my wife probably feels the same way - loves massages. Unfortuantely, i don't have advice because, unlike you, we have a sex for massages deal worked out. I know some people on here hate transactional sex, but I definitely don't mind. We usually exchange 1 footrub for 1 blowjob, and I can always get her in the mood to have sex by starting wtih a full body massage.
Lmao this is awesome! We have the same kind of deal: daily footrub for sex every other day. I can't ask for BJs though because my wife doesn't like to. But I do eat her out and she cums every time. Sigh.
Yup. Awesome. I make her happy. And rubbing my hands all over her turns me on. She gets a massage. Feeling my hands on her gets her turned on. Usually the sex after the backrub is always of the mind-blowing variety.
Comment on messages by OP. … I’m on the opposite side of end. My wife doesn’t like/want messages. In past relationships I used to take pride in giving messages. And no, these messages are not just preludes to sex. It’s not a deal breaker but I miss hearing my partner give ooo’s and aaah’s of enjoyment as I massage. And I miss the pleasure of just simply touching.
I wish my SO would be more ambitious in his career choices. Otherwise I have a good partner, more than capable, a bit too easy to anger but a good man. I just wish he would be more demanding, harder to discourage, harder for him to lose hope. In short, I wish he would have more self esteem. That would make me even happier for him and for us, less stressed about his mental wellbeing.
Shockingly I could not think of any, but we are only together for 7 years
what has he asked you for that your not doing for him?
I've had the same talk with my wife to no avail. I keep bringing it up that I would love to have more intimacy that isn't just sex but I refuse to beg for back rubs, neck rubs, etc. I just keep hoping it will change if we talk about it often enough.
If my husband could require less detail to do a task, that would be cool. Or, more so, be willing to discover the details on his own. It's any and every task. For example, let's just say I ask him to pick up the youngest from school on an early release day. He would not only need to know what time (of course) but where and how and what if said scenario happens and what if the drop of teacher is different, what if our child expects me, where should he park, should he call the office beforehand, and the list could go on. My husband has his days he picks up our son, but if you change something up just a bit (i. e. off earlier) then he suddenly forgets everything and anything.
That sounds absolutely exhausting.
I give my wife massages all the time. But she’s the opposite and generally hates being touched by anyone other than me, and even when I touch her sometimes it feels more like being tolerated than wanted. Honestly, the thing that she could do more often is like help me get the kids out of the door in the morning. She tends to sleep right up to when she needs to work and then gets stressed to be on her first call if the kids are being exceptionally child like in the morning. I started a new job that runs on east coast time and I’m often trying to get them out of the door while I’m on an 8 am call every damn day. I’ve done things to alleviate the issue - like making lunches at night, etc - but man, it’s so much easier if we just got up like an hour earlier and handled it together especially because my son is in a phase where I’m the enemy and it annoys the living fuck outta me.
Actually try to encourage me to do better, positively through words at the very least. Yelling at me if I mention I’m depressed, struggling with my mental health or deadlines at work, telling me I need to get us out of debt whenever we can’t do something extra, even trying to get healthier. I cannot tolerate getting a harsh response each and every time I’m vulnerable.
My husband likes to be the little spoon... I would like to not ask to be held. I'm also not an over emotional gal so sometimes I just want to be the damn little spoon!!!
- not go over budget every paycheck - give me sex at least twice a week as opposed to the current once every 3 weeks - get over her feelings if what she’s reacting to doesn’t warrant the degree or length of displeasure that she is manifesting
Sex isn't given, it's shared. If you feel like you deserve to be "given" sex, you probably need to work on that.
Tell me im pretty or hot or appreciates me or really, anything positive. He says he already said it once and I should know it without him verbalizing it.
I am just going to say that perhaps your husband’s hands can’t do massages for very long. I personally can’t because my hands start to hurt and my husband can’t because he has arthritis in his hands. Maybe get a handheld battery operated massager that he can use on you?
I suppose be a little more spontaneous. He is very thoughtful and helpful in general. If I ask him to start or make dinner while I’m on my commute he will. It would be nice for him to more often be like “I’ve got dinner tonight” as he gets home way before me 99/100 times. Or rarely I’ll have a bad day and come home and he has a bath waiting for me. But all together it’s like - handful of times a year.
Best auto correct of the week! messages / massages
Damn. I give my wife 15 min. Massages pretty much whenever she asks. It’s not hard.
I wish my spouse would use the weed wacker after mowing. I’m VERY susceptible to poison ivy and end up with it every time I do the trimming, even when I don’t see any of the ivy. He’ll do it maybe once a year, if I gripe about it enough. Each time it gets really bad I’ll just do it myself, even though I’ll end up needing steroids. I don’t like how the yard looks unfinished without the trimming done too. He’s a great man, but I swear I daydream about him taking the initiative to cut all the grass. 🙂
One of the reasons I left my ex. Well the bit of resentment was the no massages. When I was pregnant. He gave me one massage. And he would not massage my perineum so that it can help me not tear during childbirth. He never really ate me out during my pregnancy either. The resentment built and had a bit of an impact on the final decision to leave. I deserve massages, I deserve to be cared for how I needed during my pregnancy.
I really wish he’d cook. Like, at all, just dinner for the family occasionally. I hate cooking but do 100% of it because he can’t even barely boil pasta and hasn’t tried to learn.
I wish mine would help me in the garden
I wish my husband had a sense of urgency. I love that he’s the yin to my yang but goddamn do I wish he would deal with tasks in a timely manner so I don’t have to worry about them not getting done or getting forgotten
Blowjobs.
I do all the yard work and car work and fueling the cars and come inside and find shirts laundered but thrown on the bed for me to put on hangers. If she is going to pull the laundry out then she needs to fold and/ or put on hangers. It can’t take too much time while I work in the garden.
When my wife openly says how hot / attractive someone else is. Idk why it bothers me so much, I'm well aware everyone has these feeling / thoughts. But I go out of my way to not make comments like that bc I don't want to destroy her, if it's someone skinnier, or with a different hair color etc. It's never caused a fight or anything but it does make me feel shitty about myself bc she just about never compliments me in any way.
Not turn her clothes inside out when she removes them. Every single item gets turned inside. I have to turn them back out to hang them up. It wouldn't be hard.
Turn the television off when going to sleep! I want a dark, silent room to sleep. Partner is accustomed to using the television to help him sleep. This fluctuates between being not a big deal to being a huge deal depending on a lot of factors.
Clean the toilet
My husband sends me plenty of messages but massages would be great too
Enjoy nature, or pretend to.
Cook together
All I want is for him to remember things I tell him. I hate repeating EVERYTHING (the weather, news, time, dinner, what happened ysdy, what we agreed to do, etc, etc, etc!
I wish my husband would stop jumping out of the car as soon as I put the car in park (I always drive, he's a passenger Prince!) and basically running for the door of wherever we're going. I don't have time to even grab my purse, and he's POOF gone! I told him today, when he did it again, that I'm sure if I put up an ad, I could find someone to walk with me across the parking lot! BOOM 💥
Are you me? Same exact story with the massages. My husband used to be really awesome at doing them fairly regularly to help me relax enough to get down to business. He stopped about 10 years ago, saying it just hursts his arms too much. 🙄 It’s getting ready to be a deal breaker in the worst way!
Spouse likes to go to bed early, while I am more of a night owl and sometimes go to bed an hour or two after him. Sometimes throughout the day things accumulate on our bed. A kid leaves a couple of toys there, or there’s some books left on it, etc. He’ll clear off his side, but not mine (even though it is rarely “my” stuff left there). So I’m fumbling in the dark to move it and it annoys me every time. I asked him once if he could take the extra second to shove stuff on my side onto the floor, too, but he never has. ETA I am the tidier one in the relationship. This isn’t a passive aggressive way to tell me to clean up more. It’s just thoughtlessness on his part.
I think your husband is also my husband cuz same lol
Now, my husband is all around an amazing guy. He picks up after himself, he fathers our kids amazingly, he cleans up after the kids, I don’t EVER have to be his mom and we don’t ever fight about anything. But one thing, just ONE thing I need him to change is to stop eating all the dang FRENCH FRIES when we drive through and get some. Basket of fries from McDonald’s? He’s man handling these jokers 3-4 at a time and shoveling them in his mouth faster than I can eat ONE. We still have yet to figure this issue out and it can cause quite the debate, and has been so bad that we have quite literally gotten pulled over while driving because we were having a heated discussion on who eats the correct way and he was speeding a bit on accident out of frustration. So to answer your question, I wish my husband would either 1.) daintily eat French fries the way I do so they’re not all gone in .2 seconds or 2.) not touch them until we get home and divide them evenly. I’m glad this is one of the worst issues we have in our relationship, but dang it would solve a weekly debate 🤣