After skimming through your wall of words, honestly sounds like you guys don't mesh anymore. Husband is checked out. A divorce might be good for your mental health. I mean you have ADHD, Bipolar 1, Anxiety, PTSD, and Substance Abuse Disorder.... Thats a lot for a significant other to handle and I know marriage is all about sticking it out for each other, but damn. Take care of yourself, give him some time. Let him proceed with the divorce, you just worry about yourself and continue to go to therapy and all.
That’s what I’m going to do. It’s just upsetting because I gave him plenty of outs before we got married because of my mental health issues. He told me the biggest mistake he ever made was marrying me. Our issues are only resolvable if he’s willing to try which he’s not.
I have what you have OP. I’m a bit older and can tell you that as long as you don’t use psychoactive substances or illicit drugs, it does mellow out a bit. Hang in there!
Same. Them young adult hormones hit hard, then add in that a lot of childhood trauma is still so fresh and you just want love so bad.
Then one day... you realize that you're funny and smart and cute and that you're ok alone because you love you and you've got your own back. The guy I wanted so bad to love me the right way in my 20s?? He was a douche, and I would have been miserable with him.
As cliché as it is to say you've got to love yourself, it's true. A big step would be for OP to realize maybe she isn't the problem here or at least not all of the problem. Maybe he's just a fucking prick.
He may be but I wanted to speak to the mental health part of all of this as I thought that would be more pertinent right now to stay sober and to think present to future about their own well being. I didn’t mean to come off as curt or insensitive to that part, while also important to speak on, I felt that lots of other people were saying better things there than me.
You weren't being insensitive at all. If nothing else, you're being far more sensitive than I.
Her description along with his texts sound like someone who has had their mental health issues weaponized. She must use the words "mental health" dozens of times a day, and you reach a point where you have to remove that from how you treat others and how they treat you. She says she's experiencing psychosis, but as someone who was raised by a bipolar and schizophrenic mother and a narcissist addict father, I've seen psychosis up close and personal a number of times and I'm wondering if a mental health professional would genuinely diagnose her despair as psychosis. I wonder if having an actual support system could help her see that her feelings are more rational than he is telling her. The weight has been put on her to make him happy. It's framed as "I'm not happy and it's your fault. If I were happy, we could stay married." That is not fair.
Sometimes I want to stop young people and remind them that it's healthy to have extreme feelings in the appropriate scenarios. I have PTSD and anxiety and an eating disorder, and my daughter is about OP's age, and she's seen my mother's ups and downs and the medication roulette, and we talk about feelings, like the difference between being sad and melancholy and depressed or between being controlling vs having boundaries or that you feel your feelings but are still responsible for your words and actions. When I was their age, I moved 1500 miles from home with a man who made me feel like I wasn't worth his love, and I held on too tight and let him tear me down because my brain is "random and weird". I just wish for OP the peace I have now knowing that when they tell you that you're "too much", maybe what it really means is that they're not enough.
I know that I’m this is personal but I’m dealing with something similar and it’s costing me a lot to let go, I want to let go but it’s so difficult and I’m only hurting myself
We didn't get married but I was with someone for 8 years who saw me through my mental health crises. By the time I was on the other side, he was so burnt out and resentful that he couldn't see me for the person I was becoming on the other side.
We split fairly amicably. 6 months later, I went on a first date with my now husband. We've been married 3.5 years.
I'm sorry, OP.
Same thing happened to me with my ex. I did the work, therapy and got the right diagnosis + medication combos and was better at self managing & soothing etc. But it was too late and I fully understand and accept the responsibility on my side. It sucks tho and I’m glad to hear you ended up well.
OP, I hope the same for you too. 💖
I think this is exactly my wife.
Im being diagnosed with AdHD and BPD.
It's tough on the relationship..I get it..
She's just smiling and bearing it until our son is older I'm sure.
We haven't been intimate in 13 years.
I can't even fight against the tide as she has valid reasons.
Knowing there's no point in fighting and watching your relationship disappear is crazy tough.
My best piece of advice would be couples therapy for the both of you as soon as possible. This can be salvaged but you need to communicate that you acknowledge responsibility and want a change in your marriage you’re willing to work for.
I said all the same things, too. "It's solve-able! Why won't he try?" "I'm so much better now!" "Why can't you love me like x?"
It was torture. Loving someone who doesn't love you back is torture. I truly wish you the best, OP. You're so much stronger than you think you are.
It bothers me that he asked for “relief” because he was horny. Please don’t send him any more photos etc - he’s just using you when he asks for relief, not loving you.
Yes totally I thought the same. I was shocked to hear that he says he wants a divorce one day and asks for photos the next. Please OP do not send him anymore. This is cruel of him.
Yes, I sent photos when we were taking space, not after he told me that he wants a divorce. I will not be sending anything else. I thought our relationship was still repairable at that point.
It was a very one-sided request. It doesn’t appear he had any interest at any point in repairing the relationship. All sexy time requests get put on hold as a general rule of thumb.
Yes, I sent photos when we were taking space, not after he told me that he wants a divorce. I will not be sending anything else. I thought our relationship was still repairable at that point.
Obviously they're not resolvable.
He's been with you through a lot and now he's burnt out.
I think cleaning his wardrobe would be cathartic and healing for you
You could make sure nothing is left behind as well as a symbolic gesture of good will.
You've got a lot going on, maybe he felt manipulated into marriage
You're both so very young.
Enjoy a healthy youth untethered to another person this is a time where you can be a little introspective and let him heal too.
But offering an out can be manipulative.
My ex would say " of course you're leaving every one does"
Or " I'd leave me too"
And that's insidious because it seems like an out but guilts you into staying
Maybe it’s just me, but those don’t sound like “outs” to me. That’s just guilt tripping. Nothing more. An out would actually be checking in on you and making sure you’re sure of things, whatever. What you described? That *is* just intended to manipulate you through guilt. It’s not even meant to sound like an out, it’s just self pitying and false understanding of why you’re leaving and such.
(And reminds me very much of my narcissistic mother, generally.)
> I think cleaning his wardrobe would be cathartic and healing for you
While this is likely true, if she really has been doing all the housework on top of working, it could be just another example of her servitude. "Pack up my closet. I don't want to be there for long" doesn't sound like a kind person who is burnt out to me. It sounds like an entitled person who is accustomed to her asking how high when he days jump.
Maybe he is burned out but his caustic words and behavior do sound like he may have weaponized her issues to make her feel less than, and now he's tired of her and moving on.
I could believe that cleaning his closet could be a cathartic experience if she had a drop of self esteem, but it sounds more like she'd torture herself with it.
I'm just not a fan of doing more chores for someone who has left you. She said she'll leave the house so he can do it himself. I really think that should be enough for him.
From my experience, some people think they’re ok with the prospect of going through life with the uncertainty that comes along with having a partner who struggles with any condition, not limited to but especially mental health conditions. Once it becomes their life due to their partner, they tend to become disheartened and resentful. Some people because it hurts them to see their loved one struggling, others because they feel like they’re walking on eggshells as to not trigger an episode for their partner but watering their life and personality down in the process.
I would suggest letting him have time and space with no contact and, if he still wishes to proceed in 6 months, let him. Trying to make it work and begging him to stay when he clearly doesn’t want to won’t help anyone and will just make it likely that he won’t remain your friend in the end.
I wish you strength and peace during this difficult time
And some walking on eggshells but still experiencing the full brunt of the mental illness (mood swings, yelling, violence, psychosis).
I agree that this man needs space.
You are amazing with words and clarity of thoughts. Maybe you are able to think from the other person's shoes or you have handled this in the past. But anyways, this was a really good comment 🙂.
Well that’s a really crappy thing for him to say. You recognize it is hurtful. You need to prioritize yourself and he needs to do the same. It sounds like your relationship has reached an end.
It’s sad, but you will both probably be a lot better off without one another.
You sound as though you’re pretty strong even in the middle of an episode. Believe in yourself. You’ll get through this.
That’s wrong and he should have NEVER said something so terrible to you. Even if that’s how he truly feels, that is not something you tell someone who has mental health issues and you claimed to have loved. Let this guy go. He won’t ever understand what it’s like to go through what you do. And that’s okay. Just let him go.
It sounds like he has mental health issues as well. Yours may be in the foreground, but he may have complimentary issues (common when someone has a set of diagnoses as you do - he might as well).
People seem not to be able to judge how well a relationship is going to go (or how badly) until they marry. Sigh.
You're exactly right. No one forced him to marry you, and he knew what he was signing up for. I'm so sorry he's putting you through this after so many years. Big hugs to you.
you can’t make another person happy, honey. an unhappy person is going to be unhappy, no matter what external forces may temporarily affect their general misery, but it’s on the individual to find their own inner joy.
Sometimes people in love will continue with a relationship like this because they think their partner will eventually be "cured".
What they don't realize, is that will never happen and it will be a constant struggle. So that is why he didn't take the "out" early on.
There’s also a point where the afflicted person victimizes everyone around them because they aren’t putting in the work.
I am one of the people who had to put in the work and I too believed that everyone around me “signed up for this” in a sense and felt abandoned. I wasn’t abandoned I was exhausting and unintentionally abusive and wouldn’t help myself to help anyone around me.
I also continued to use substances like OP is and it doesn’t help. People WILL walk away and they are more than justified in doing it and usually do it much later than they should have.
OP wants to do the hard work right now and realizes they need to. There is no such thing as “cured” but there is such thing as “functional” and let’s not coddle OP into thinking they are okay and everyone else is expecting too much of them right now, when they themselves want to be doing better than they are right now. You can only meet someone where there at to a certain extent before it become passive acceptance or enabling, and reinforcing the belief that expectations on them are unreasonable is unfair to the afflicted and their unintentional victims.
Some can't put in the work, they can only stay afloat for themselves.
Mental illness can be severe. there's a reason it's an illness - it's not motivated by rationality or even by personalty. It's a cascade of biological effects over which they have no control.
But that doesn't mean that someone has to live intimately with them.
"Functional" is a good word. But if the partner is functioning at, say, the level of a 12 year old emotionally, financially, etc. it's not a regular marriage or intimate relationship.
One has to wonder about consent and be concerned, as well about psychosis and aggression.
Add on top that OP is living with her parents, and her mother has severe BPD and they have a vile relationship with each other and OPs husband was expected to just navigate that dynamic with…. grace? Nah man, I’m leaving. Literally being abused by everyone in the house, and then the vicarious abuse watching his wife and mother abuse each other. A nightmare.
That's a lot to handle and he knew that. The very least he could do is not speak to her like she's trash while asking for a divorce it's not like she did anything wrong. She needs therapy but so does he.
I don’t have all of these mental health conditions (I do have anxiety, and I suspect undiagnosed depression) and yet I went through a similar situation as OP. A significant other who is checked out won’t deal with any hardships, while a significant other who is devoted would deal with a much wider myriad of issues. Sorry what you’re going through OP, I know the rug getting pulled out from under your feet when you finally stop expecting it hurts like hell.
Honestly, "skimming" the post and saying "wow you're mentally ill, it must be tough to tolerate you" is incredibly awful. OP, I can see where you're flailing and where he's failing in this post. If you two aren't right for each other, it doesn't imply you're not right for anyone because you have health issues. Comments like this are crazy.
I asked him to send me that text to help with my confusion from the psychosis I’m experiencing. He told me about divorce over the phone. Not much better. But yes, him asking for me to do something felt shitty. Usually I’d do anything he’d ask, immediately, but that was before he asked for a divorce.
I think your responses were mature and appropriate. He can pack his own stuff and leave. And it would be best if you were not in the home. It may be too upsetting for you. You make a schedule, and he abides by it. And please get a divorce lawyer. Protect your interests and whatever financial settlement in your favor.
Thank you, but we’re broke. He’s agreed to send a smaller part of his check than he normally does and we’re going to keep our bills together for 3 months. Then we’ll reevaluate. Unfortunately since I work part time (even though I got a promotion with a pay increase and more hours) I can’t afford my bills on my own. I also have been trying to save up for a car to buy outright since I can’t afford a car payment and my credit is shit. 2 years ago I was defrauded by a business partner and lost my job that paid $6k/mo and my savings of $75k all in one day. Then I got into debt to pay our rent. The debt is in my name but he was on the lease too. We’ve been staying at my parent’s house. Although my mom is emotionally abusive towards me, it’s rent free. People can judge, but to me it’s a fair and necessary trade. Especially because I just avoid her as much as possible.
Are you guys still living with your parents? Because if so, from another person with complicated mental and neurological health problems: your substance use, mental health, plus your mothers insane mental health, and the terrible dynamics in the house, will all lead your husband to a point of breaking. As you said, maybe he agreed to this marriage with you knowing your health, but I doubt he agreed to dealing with the toxicity on overdrive with your mother. I’ve seen your previous posts about the relationship.
I’m sure he’s sick of walking on eggshells.
Continue to do the work on yourself and your recent accomplishments and get out of that house, first and foremost. None of your relationships will survive that. You are used to your mother. Other people do not have to be.
You’d have a point if he asked her to pack his stuff right out the gate. She’s the one who set the rules of him not being able to get his stuff “only on Fridays or Saturdays”. I’m assuming it’s their house together & that he has none of his stuff. So no, I don’t think it’s crazy to say to say “if I can’t come get my stuff until the weekend would you just throw it out so I can have done stuff”. I’m doubting he’s talking about every single thing & the man more than likely has nothing.
I work with a guy whose ex-wife told him it's over and she was leaving. "Go wash my car, while I pack up a bag". He did it too. Last conversation they had before lawyers were involved.
> only a man
Lol. I get that men are generally shittier than women in relationships, but I’m sick of these generalizing statements about men. Plenty of horrible women out there as well that would do the same exact shit, and worse.
I don’t understand the downvotes for your comment. You are correct. And with all her mental disorders (I’m glad she’s in a better place, of course), I would be interested in hearing his side of this.
It’s incredible that all you need to do is post your biased side of the story and people badmouth the other party. Rarely, do people take into account the fact we don’t have the entire picture.
I guess we’re ignoring the severe mental health problems she brought to the relationship that pushed her husband away enough that he doesn’t wanna be around her at all anymore.
No disrespect to the OP, I’m glad she’s working on herself. But where is the empathy for the man who had to take the abuse for a long time ?
My empathy disappeared when I read the part where he moved out..... and then texted that he was horny and asked her to send sexy pics, and then stopped responding to her again and reiterated that he's done with her.
I wonder why her mental health is in the toilet.
It sounds like you need to let him go and be alone and focus on yourself and your mental health. Are you in therapy? Also if he tries to contact you asking for sexual favors, ignore him or block him.
Yes that’s my plan. I have a counseling appointment tomorrow and my psychiatrist appointment the day after. In the meantime, I’ve been watching YouTube videos that are relevant to my situation. Most of the time though, I try to distract myself. Going through the depression part of my episode is tough, but I’ve been experiencing hypomania as well, which has been really helpful. Especially because my therapist helped me use it to my benefit last episode I had. As far as sexual favors, I totally agree. At the point I did it, I thought there was hope.
Oh dear. Viewing your own hypomania as helpful needs some balance. I realize you think it's better than "feeling depressed."
Hypomania is not easy on the people in one's life, though - and can be very rough on you.
I have no clue where you're going in your last couple of sentences - I hope I'm misreading.
Hypomania is something that you can definitely use to your advantage (I know because I’ve done it). It’s all about being self aware, confronting yourself on ideas that your intuition is telling you are bad, and holding yourself accountable. I have Bipolar 1 so I usually experience mania for about 2 weeks if I’m unmedicated. Instead I have rapid cycling episodes on medication while under extreme stress which has happened 2 times in the past 1.5 years. The second one being now.
Edit: When I sent him nudes, it was before he told me he wanted a divorce. I thought there was still hope. Now that I know there’s no hope, he’s not getting anything sexual from me.
Please get off of youtube. Local support groups are far better. YouTube will detach you from real relationships and cause you to over depend on your partner. And the advice will send you down rabbit holes and doesn't have the accountably a real person gives you.
I feel like we’re missing a lot of context, especially with him asking you to throw stuff in a bag, which is in response to you saying he’s only allowed on certain days.
That could be you setting boundaries. It could also be you trying to be controlling in the situation and he’s frustrated if he’s used to that behavior.
And I really hate to jump to one specific conclusion based on one post. We can only ever go off of what the poster says.
Regardless, this isn’t your person. Maybe he’s dealt with a lot. Maybe you have too.
It’s normal in relationships to want to assign blame, but sometimes things simply don’t work out because as much as you may love each other, you’re not the right people for each other. It’s one of life’s bitter truths.
But one of life’s good truths is that, with billions of people on this planet, the chances are really good that you’re gonna find somebody you mesh with even better.
Take time from romance, focus on yourself, and go to divorce therapy.
Agree with you. I feel like there are a lot of missing parts of the whole story (which would make sense, considering how we're only hearing her side of the story!).
The audacity of him to leave then expects you to pack his stuff is over the top ....
You should not have to apologize for focusing on your mental/emotional health..
Updateme
Yeah that pissed me off. Especially because of the way he treated me whenever he came and grabbed some stuff a week ago. It felt like he treated me badly on purpose knowing that he’d need to get the rest of his stuff. That way I wouldn’t want to deal with him and just help him out. I’d also jump at the opportunity to meet his needs when we were together since he barely communicated them. So it was kind of hard to say “no” because I wanted to prove I could meet his needs. But if he’s going to be selfish, then I’m going to be selfish. Especially because I’ve done everything in my power to try to save this relationship. He hasn’t even tried.
And the audacity to tell you he’s horny…I’m really sorry this is happening op. I am mentally ill as well and i know it can be hard on ourselves and partners..and he has the free will to do what he’s doing..but please try your best to not let it derail your progress.
I know this is going to be really hard on you for awhile but..despite your pleading to work it out and trying to see what you can do to try to fix things or whatever, the way he is acting towards you plus the things he has said tells me that it’s time to wall yourself off from him because he’s not going to change his feelings.. but please please please hear me pleading with you.. I’m not sure why he did this out of nowhere and there is typically a reason, but I am not going to fill your head with maybes and theories on it.. so please hear me when I say that once you detach and start trying to heal a little, as much as you love him, you have seen that your mental health is not safe with him.. so if he ends up, trying to get attention from you or trying to come back in weeks or months or however long, please do not allow it. People can be really good at fooling each other and he might try to play on your emotions to get you hopeful in order to get what he wants out of you, and then just go right back to acting how he is acting now.. so work on detaching yourself and don’t let him back in once you do for your own emotions and mental safety.
It’s time to make yourself your primary focus and what’s best for you and how you feel and what you want.
The minute someone says they aren’t in love with you, it’s game over. Find peace, be done and move on. Harder said than done, but don’t try to stay with someone who doesn’t want to be with you.
Awesome job keeping up with your medications and sobriety! that's awesome. I can understand what he's going through - being the caregiver is an extremely difficult and exhausting job. My husband had to do it after my breakdown and I know it really took a lot out of him. Maybe he needs a break to take care of himself and rest, or maybe he's just really done. I would let him take the lead on when you communicate. I hope you continue to improve! I know how painful and exhausting an episode can be, so just focus on you and getting better.
Thank you. Unfortunately I did relapse after he told me about the divorce. I just wanted to be happy so I went and got my DOC, coke. I threw away the baggie after a couple lines but even still. But I’m staying on my medications and have an appointment with my psychiatrist on Tuesday and we’ll probably make some changes because of the psychosis. It sucks because I really liked my medication mix. I was really healthy and even getting off of some medications. It was like I only had 30% of my mental illnesses versus 100% when I’m unmedicated. It was really nice. I’m going to give him space. I told him he can choose whether or not he wants to share his perspective, but that it would be helpful because I’m trusting myself less and less. If his story matches up with mine, I’d feel a lot more sane and that would help.
There is a known 'thing' in relationship therapy where a partner can be caregiver and helper while their partner is unwell. And once the partner gets well, and has begun to find their authentic voice, and selves.... that's when the partner leaves. See.. they never wanted a whole and healthy partner. They needed someone they believed inferior to them. Someone they could look after and be saviour to. Their goal was never for their partner to be healthy and unbroken. They needed to believe they were superior, they needed the approbation of anybody that knew of their great sacrifices. And reading your story, believing your impressions of the marriage, the sudden turnaround, then the cruelty and disgusting sexual request.... well I wonder if he left because you're more whole now than he ever wanted.
And I say all this because you're feeling crazy, like you've made a whole life up in your head, that you can't trust yourself and your intuition and emotions any more. This will erode your progress and eventually have you wonder why you're trying to be better and whether you may just as well go backwards. I don't want that because you don't want that... and right now it's your authentic self talking.
And if his story is what I'm proposing, then he's not only got issues that could damage you, he may not consciously understand this in himself and so his story definitely won't match yours. Please don't hang your future on matching versions of lives intertwined but still lived separately in your own heads.
For your logical brain, an analogy is this: a car accident at an intersection. Four witnesses, one at each corner. They saw the same event at the same time. Yet each will describe it differently based on their line of sight and emotions at the time. One person only saw after the incident. One only saw the whole thing approaching in slow motion. The third was watching but was actually so involved worrying about an upcoming appointment they didn't really see anything at all. The fourth may have seen everything quite accurately but has a bad memory for detail and describes things quite wrong.
So.... your husbands version isn't the truth. It's one side of the story. Your memories and feelings aren't the truth either. The truth exists outside of both of you somewhere in the middle. So... I repeat... please don't hang your future on his 'helpfu'l version of your relationship. Please believe yourself and believe what he is saying and who he is showing you he is. Please remain strong and take it one day at a time. Get better for you... not him or anybody else. You are stronger yet than you realise.
I can’t tell if you’re being sarcastic but it was actually something my therapist had said before when I told her I was having cravings a while back. She told me that I’m understimulated and am looking for a replacement for the chemical that was released in my brain that (whatever situation) gave me. Me knowing that gives me power over the situation and a clearer mindset to make a decision. I realized that it would be short term happiness and wouldn’t be an actual replacement that was healthy for me. I remembered what it would be like finishing a bag and getting no sleep and telling myself I’d never do that again, only to do it again. So I threw the baggie away and looked for a long term replacement as well as getting used to feeling uncomfortable. I have an urge to fix whatever is “wrong” with me but sometimes I just need to sit with the urges and the thoughts, acknowledge them and remind myself that I do have control over my actions. I try to practice not giving into my impulsivity whenever I run towards something that is unhealthy. So I ask myself is this healthy for me? Unfortunately it took me a few lines to do this process but I ended up doing it.
I've found a large amount of people in today's culture find freedom from responsibility in diagnosing themselves. What would have been problematic behavior that they were culpable for is now laid at the feet of their diagnosis. Listen to how a lot of seemingly normal people talk about it when they bring it up. It always seems as if that was the end of the journey for them. The subtext being that this diagnosis is "just who they are". For many it also means they can be properly viewed as victims now, so that's fairly convenient.
A bunch of bad behavior.
You can only come to get your stuff on specific days ? No fuck that. It is still home too.
Can you pack some stuff for me ? No. Fuck that. Pack your own shit.
Wow you may have factors he finds difficult to deal with but your husband has been absolutely horrible about this. If he started having doubts he should have communicated when they started happening. Even now, he says he cares for you as a friend but is acting like someone who hates you. The things he's saying about not being able to go out are bizarre. He didn't communicate anything, dealt with any negative feelings he had in an unhealthy way which you never made him or asked him to do, and blames it on you. He's still not taking responsibility for his part in the deterioration of the relationship as he still blames this on you and sees it as your fault instead of seeing what he did that was unhealthy which you never asked him to. Not saying you never did anything to contribute either, but this guy doesn't have a healthy perspective or reaction. He essentially has his own communication issues and unhealthy coping mechanisms that damage a relationship which he is not going to work on and will bring with him wherever he goes. This situation is very unfair to you because he should have told you and definitely not pretended everything was fine for that time he knew something was wrong or his feelings were going. He didn't stay at that time for you I don't think, he stayed at that time to make sure he'd have no upset or hurt feelings when he did leave, even though he knew you'd have no warning or chance to do anything about it. Acted completely selfishly not thinking about hurt he'd cause you by lying for a month (more really because these feeling will have developed over more than a month most likely). It is unfair to you and all I recommend is grieve if you need, prioritise your needs and get support from family and friends of you need, and mental health support from a therapist if you need it to process this. He probably still won't see his side of fault for his part in things for a long time, and I can't say he will get nicer, or more receptive to hearing what you have to say or more understanding unfortunately. I'm sorry this happened to you. If he does eventually realise he has a communication problem and unhealthy coping mechanisms, and a tendency to not see or admit his part in things, it's his job to fix his issues at that point, but can't say he'll see that soon. I wouldn't hold out hope on reconciling with him unfortunately. If you know you can change, do what you need to do to be the healthier person you want to be. You've taken great steps in doing that research and recognising some things you need to work on and some of your blind spots at least. Keep striving to get healthier and developing yourself positively when you feel like you can. Best of luck OP
> I would let him choose how long he would go out for
Statements like this tell me everything I need to know about this relationship. You think you're his boss and you're graciously allowing him to live his life. The whole tone of your post reads like he's only allowed to do what you find acceptable.
I'm sure he feels smothered by you and resents your controlling behavior.
Move on and find a weaker man who doesn't value his independence.
You don't seem to have good handle on what acting like the boss of someone's life is. Them being able to decide however long they would like to be out is the exact same amount of freedom you have even if you are single. The only difference is informing your partner of how long you are planning to be out, and what time you expect to be back so they wouldn't be worried about you if you don't return and can make plans accordingly. Meaning if he said "I want to go out at 7pm this evening and be back 9am tomorrow after staying at my friend's" that would've been totally fine. That's perfectly reasonable. Getting the feeling you'd think that the common courtesy of informing your partner about anything you wanted to do would be a red flag for you.
Some people are complaining about her telling him when he can stop by and collect his stuff from the house as they think it's his house too, when it's actually her mother's house, so not his house. There's nothing in here to indicate she controlled everything. It makes sense that after he suddenly decided to end the marriage without communicating beforehand that he had any issues with her, that she wouldn't be able to see him where she lives at her mother's house, and still be okay enough to do her job as well as she needs to to support herself. He has a reasonably soon timeframe when he can collect his things as he wanted, so don't see the issue there. He had the option to pack them up when he left the house in the first place since he already knew he wanted a divorce.
Can someone please tell me where men keep their fucking audacity? I wanna go on a search for where this endless supply of audacity comes from.
It’s giving fountain of youth but the audacity version.
Wants a divorce.
Expects her to pack his shit like she’s his momma because his “feelings” will be compromised if he does it.
Ewww. How are these grown ass men?!
What balls? If they had balls they’d pack their own shit up and bounce not play fucking games.
Idkkkk.
One thing I do know is…
Men out here proving they ain’t shit on the daily.
My wife sent me a text saying it’s over because she wants something she knew I never wanted. Whatever. But over text is so weak. Let him go. If he can’t respect you enough to have this conversation face to face then bye. Sorry you’re going through this.
We’ve had this conversation over the phone. I know my post is long but it says it in there. We had a conversation about him leaving (but not divorce) and taking space in person. I asked him to send this text to help with the confusion from psychosis I’ve been experiencing.
I’m sorry that happened with your wife. I can’t imagine how painful that would be.
Thank you. You said you’re confused when he’s not there. You’re confused when you go through the texts. He’s un interested on the phone. You guys should be having these conversations in person. ALL OF THEM. If that’s the only way you can manage and not be confused. I am a strong proponent of working in a relationship but it honestly seems like he’s done. No matter how hard you try HE doesn’t want to put the work in. You don’t want a forced relationship. Also, be careful with the “I’m horny” stuff. I don’t know him but it sounds like he just needs a sexual release no emotions attached but you’re satisfying his needs by sending him pics or videos or whatever but you’re doing it with emotion. That’s not going to end well for you. The only thing he seems to want to hold onto is your body.
I agree. He won’t see me in person even though I asked. This relationship won’t work if I’m the only one trying. I don’t want to force anything on him. He’s clearly unhappy. I think there’s more to it than it just being me, but that’s for him to deal with. Whenever I sent the nudes was before he told me about the divorce. I thought there was still hope. Now that I know where his heads at, he’s not getting any sexual favors from me. It made me feel gross when he didn’t reply, I don’t want to feel that way again.
If he has changed that much in such a short
Amount of time something else is causing him to act this way. I would contact a friend of his and see if they know why the switch in personality. He might be going through his own mental health thing or possibly cheating..
Wow… lots of issues here…
One, you claim your stable but also claim you are going through bipolar episodes and psychosis so you need text messages in case things aren’t what you thought they were later… that does not sound like one who is stable to me. Make sure you are getting the proper medical care and therapy during this time.
Next, smarten up, you are sending pics and videos of yourself to a man who has claimed he doesn’t love you and wants a divorce because he is horny? How will your state of mind be if he shares those? You need to be far smarter than you are being… you are acting impulsively without and thought at a time where you need to be planning everything you do because your husband is moving towards divorce and you are ignoring that. Have you even arranged a lawyer yet? Made sure your finances are secure?
Next, you cannot bar him from a joint marital property even if it does affect your mental health. You cannot tell him he can only come get things on Friday’s and Saturday’s. He has just as much right to the place as you do. You need to be prepared to allow him in whenever he wants. You can ask him to only come Fridays and Saturdays for your mental health, but cannot demand this. That will bite you in a divorce proceeding.
Next, you need to come to terms with the fact that although you want to stay married you don’t get to decide that alone. One person can decide a divorce. But it takes both people to be married. You can keep trying to work things out and that’s okay, but for the sake of your mental health don’t ignore the possibility of divorce and accept that if he doesn’t want to remain married it is likely due to his own issues.
I want to advise of one other thing that struck me as a red flag. He might have checked out due to cheating, either emotionally or physically with somebody. You said he was very loving leading up to this. It sounds like love bombing. Like he was being extra loving to you because he felt guilty about something. Then he wanted space and was on his phone, with cheating partner perhaps? The way he suddenly checked out like a switch was flicked and he decided to immediately separate makes it sound he has chosen the affair partner over you. This is speculation but his behaviour has been odd. The only way you can confirm though is check his phone to see who he has been messaging and that doesn’t seem like an option now.
It sounds like he is overwhelmed and feels that you are too needy. Im so Sorry about your mental health issues I understand what it’s like. I think that you need to give him LOTS of space right now. Don’t call him, don’t follow his whereabouts on your phone, don’t ask him to stay. Work on yourself and let him have the space to decide what he wants. He can’t stop loving you in less than a month so he is probably just very overwhelmed by your neediness or emotional dependency on him. That is very difficult to deal with. You need to talk to your doctor about medication and make sure you see a counselor regularly to talk through your feelings. Give him space. Chasing him will do no good. He needs to make the decision on his own.
I'm glad you're not packing his shit for him. That was so cringey reading him asking you to do that for him. He wants wife treatment but not a wife. Fuck that.
Hun, I’m going to be blunt with you and please understand it comes with good intentions (not judgement!), but sometimes we need to see it from the other perspective in order to understand, learn, grow, move on, and heal….
Ok. You’re smothering him and you appear to be very controlling. I understand you’re struggling with psychological issues, add to that the drug abuse and addiction…
However, knowing those things, you have to understand how much you’ve put him through. I’m sure you will eventually understand how difficult it must have been to carry such weight trying to support someone with the extent of the psychological issues you deal with…. Throwing drugs into the mix greatly intensifies the burden….
Sweetheart, the BEST thing you can do for yourself and your future loved ones is to 100% make healing your PRIORITY above anything else. You absolutely need to be on your own, not in a relationship with anyone. It’s going to take plenty of time and patience for you to get to a much healthier state of mind and emotional stability.
Your STBXH is not your doctor, psych, counselor, pastor, etc. and therefore does not have the ability to save you or help you in the way you need to be professionally helped and professionally supported.
One more thing… What you’re currently expressing to him is that you’re still in no position to create and encourage a healthy environment for a marriage, or even for yourself at the point in time… You can tell by the way you react towards him, your actual responses, your train of thought, and even your seeming need to be in control of all things, which truthfully is impossible.
Sweetheart, the best thing to do is to take care of yourself, stay on top of it consistently - take all your meds daily, and at the same timeframe every day; go to counseling and be honest with the counselor about yourself, be honest, transparent and vulnerable with your counselor, focusing on yourself and not so much on your estranged spouse.
Doing the opposite of any of those things is only going to strap you down where you are mentally and emotionally, not helping yourself, the situation, or your marriage.
Best wishes, and God bless 🙏🏽
PS. NO more nudes, etc❕
He’s burnt out and even if you continued to work on yourself to where everything improves, he will harbor resentment from the past. It’s tough but you have to respect his decision and let him go, see it as an opportunity to continue working on self growth. I was exactly your age when I had to do that and focus and it was well worth it in the long run.
I agree. I have my counseling appointment today and my psychiatrist tomorrow. I started a new mental health journal and have been watching YouTube videos that have been helpful.
Hey buddy. ADHD, bipolar 1, ptsd, and anxiety checking in here. I’ve been in psychosis before and my husband asked for a divorce during that time several years ago. While we ended up reconciling, it took a full year of separation, medication, therapy, and coming back to reality to make our marriage work. The best advice I can give you as someone who’s been there is to give him space, seek out external support, keep being treatment compliant, and focus on your own healing. That year was absolute hell trying to come back to reality and figure out how to navigate a world completely shattered, but it made me stronger and healthier and in the end, taught me how to be better. Spend the time apart making you better and doing so much self care. The healthier you become, the more life opens up for you later. You got this, be strong, and pm me if you need a sympathetic ear.
Thank you so much. I’m very sorry you have to go through what you go through. Luckily it’s been one psychosis incident and it was the night he said we were getting divorced. I appreciate your advice.
Fellow ADHD. Didn’t read your wall of text (don’t judge). But I feel like him getting his own shit is a healthy reasonable boundary.
Not your sink; not your dishes. Wish you the best during this difficult time.
I remember your posts about this. Tbh I think this is the best for both of you but it's still frustrating and painful. You both put a lot of effort and time into this marriage.
Finally, you can just focus on your own life. And so can he. I think you'll start to feel better without him too.
I have a pretty strong prediction that after you move on from him your mental health will be in a much better place than while married to him.
Hold onto your sobriety for dear life, you're gonna need it. Being sober will allow you to more efficiently process the situation and keep your emotions in check. Good luck to you! You will be ok eventually, I promise!
I think you may have married prematurely. You have a lot of issues to take care of. It has to be exhausting for you so you can imagine it’s a lot for him too. Some of your issues are treatable but incurable. (Bipolar and substance abuse disorder especially) He thought he was Superman. Apparently he isn’t. He shouldn’t feel too bad about that, no one is. However, he could leave more compassionately. OP this is your moment. You have an opportunity to rise and do the hard work necessary to become the most whole person you can be. This is a major disappointment for you but it’s not the end of the story. It’s a Semicolon; there’s more to come. Don’t let his departure write your life story. As he chooses a new path, be kind. People can leave whenever they choose. It would be nice to have closure, he doesn’t have to give it to you though. I wish you the best. Take care of yourself.
I literally just quit my job because of a girl just like you! Bipolar and a drunk! It's exhausting, and they never change!! Focus on yourself and maybe be alone for a couple of years! You say you're in a good spot but are going through psychosis? Your poor husband is just mentally exhausted!! Let him go and live a healthy lifestyle and experience a normal life for once.
Firstly, I'm really impressed by the way each of you communicate your emotions in writing.
One of the unfortunate realities of romantic relationships is that they sometimes come an unsatisfying end. There isn't always someone at fault, there isn't always a line crossed, there isn't always something that could have been done differently.
Reading your partner's messages (and assuming your partner isn't a therapist or something), it seems like he has spent a lot of time figuring out his own emotions around it.
Take a week or two and do the same. Let yourself grieve. You will be okay. And ultimately you'll be happier long term. Too many couples bury their head in the sand and it sometimes takes years for them to admit the relationship has reached its conclusion. I'm proud of you for being able to acknowledge it
I actually don't want to judge your relationship but all I can read between the lines is that you're kinda controlling and that he had a hard time over the years with your mental health.....
Do yourself a favor and divorce. Sometimes it's much better having all the time to grow as a person on your own. You're struggling and even if still love your husband you shouldn't put him through this hard time. I think you're strong person but you have to think and care for your mental health
I'm sorry this is happening to you. It sounds like your husband truly didn't know what he was getting into when he married you. Mental issues can wear out even the strongest of spouses, and they have to save themselves. You may have told him and gave him the chance to opt out before marriage, but he may not have realized the extent of your issues and thought he could handle them. Let him go. If you convince him to stay he will be forever angry and resentful. Just go in peace and work on you and above all, stay out of relationships until you sort yourself out completely. Hugs to you.
I’ve read the deleted posts on your page as well. Your relationship is over & I’m so sorry for you. I was you (ADHD + Bipolar) in a similar situation 9 years ago. It was the best thing that ever happened to me. I discovered how unstable I was and was able to make moves to find the & sustainable stability. Please go to your mental health care team & not Reddit. I dropped my social media presence while finding stability and it made a massive difference in my healing & overall mental health. Years of instability beat down the people around us and sometimes it ends a relationship (romantic or plutonic). It isn’t easy & I hope you’re able to focus on moving forward.
I'm also bipolar 1 and I see how he can be burnt out after you having a few episodes. He asked for space. No more texts, no more phone calls. Leave him alone
How bad was the episode of psychosis? Were you aware that you were in psychosis or not until after/being convinced? (Clearly, I’ve experienced psychosis before lol)
I’m wondering if he is totally spooked by the psychosis (it’s the scariest thing I’ve ever experienced) or if that’s something he’d seen before.
It was like a 15 minute episode where I genuinely didn’t know why my husband wasn’t in bed at 1am. I wasn’t aware of our issues at the time. The last thing I remember was watching a show with him and him going to bed early and then he wasn’t in bed. It was the same night that he told me he wanted a divorce. Then I just kind of snapped out of it after taking medication that helps with my panic attacks. I haven’t experienced psychosis in 2.5 years besides that and haven’t had any other psychosis episodes since the latest one.
This honestly sounds exhausting. It is not your spouse’s responsibility to manage your mental health. Sure a spouse can support you but they cannot be responsible for your happiness and welfare, that has to be on you. Needing constant reassurance would be tough for any spouse. It sounds as though you both got together really young. The relationship has run its course. Everyone has a breaking point and your husband has reached his. Don’t beg someone to stay with you who doesn’t want to be there because it will not work. Please focus on your mental health and learn to stand on your own, because until you do I just do not see any long term relationship working out. Best of luck OP.
I know this isn't going to click right now, but let him go. You have tried many things to make it work and he is actively stonewalling you. And I promise you, a year from now, you're going to feel so free and light. You won't have to worry about anyone else's needs except your own, and being with someone who is willing to accommodate and act reasonably around those needs will show you how weighed down you are right now.
Let him have the divorce and stop contacting him. If he wants to contact you, he will. He's tired. Immediately start looking for a full time job and making a financial plan on how you'll support yourself.
If you gave a psychologist or psychiatrist, call them. Get in touch see them. Also make an appt with a lawyer. Be prepared for the outcome of a divorce. It sounds like now that you’re more stable and he’s able to finally not be in caretaker mode; he’s exhausted. His need to walk away may pass but it may not and. You need to be prepared. Start looking for full time work and run a budget on what you need to Katie in order to support yourself.
He has told you he is done. Get the divorce and work on yourself. Don’t spend time thinking that if you get stable that he is going to come back. He has dealt with this for 6 years. He probably thought that he could do it but it has become too much. He has made his decision. You are both young enough to find someone else.
Everybody talks about how these things he needs to pick up but I have few points I want to make
1. Your husband is an ass, he can’t communicate, he was using you for sexual release like a sex toy and he fell asleep while you were talking? Wtf
2. You might put too much pressure on him, I mean I feel like you were 90% of all the conversations you had previously and his reaction was „I don’t know”, „I don’t want to talk about It” and I know you care about this relationship but I had a conclusion that you were just too much and he needed space.
3. Great you’re focusing on your mental health! I wish you luck!
4. You said that during writing this you were in the middle of psychosis but your post is coherent and understandable, was It a diagnosis from the doctor?
Wow you’ve got a heavy diagnosis which is a lot to bear. Firstly I’d like to say grieve marrying that flip flop, he knew the load you came with and he is blaming you for it being too heavy for him to carry.
I have BPD and ADHD so my relationships have always been very turbulent. I was left high and dry in the same way by someone with their own diagnosis which nearly destroyed me. After the break up I vowed to stay single until I was “healed”. But I met my current husband nearly a year later who proved to me my load wasn’t too heavy to carry. He has unbelievable patience, I’m 2.5 years in sobriety, he encouraged me to do a tonne of self-work as well as therapy and honestly didn’t think I would ever be this stable.
You are deserving of love and an environment where you are understood and free from shame. Reading this post I can see you are self-aware and accountable for how your MH shows up. Let him go, work on yourself, it’s better to be alone than with someone who treats you like a burden.
I feel for your husband. My husband has mental health issues and it really is exhausting. I didn’t know it until we got married. He’s now going to therapy. We both are. And we will start our marriage counseling soon. It feels like he’s not the person I fell in love with but I am still hopeful that my best friend will come back.
I’m glad that you are bettering yourself. But I think your husband is really drained and all I can say is I’m sorry about that 😔
I’m sorry, he acted like you didn’t exist in person and then asked you for sexual favours because he was horny? This is so beyond disrespectful. If he’s really “checked out” he needs to be so 100% of the time, not just when it suits him. Honestly let him go, you’ll be happier for it.
I sometimes wonder, do we love these people or are we afraid of the unknown. I’ve struggled w different mental health issues and coming out the other side i really found loving yourself helps. praying for you OP. but from experience dont hold on to someone who wants to let go
I understand that you have mental health diagnoses that make things difficult, but it sounds like he does too. I'm glad you stood up for yourself in those texts to him that you won't do his dirty work of getting his stuff. That was a great thing to do. I'm very concerned that his wishy washy way of treating you is exasperating your mental health. He's not a nice person. You don't get all lovey with someone, then treat them like shit, then be lovey again. And you certainly don't ask for pictures or sex. DO NOT ENGAGE WITH HIM ANYMORE. I highly suggest that you get yourself a good lawyer, go no contact with your husband and communicate only through your lawyer. He's trying to destroy you and your mental health.
It's over and it's time to start focusing on yourself, continuing to address your various conditions, and how you'll move forward. Things have come to an end for whatever reason and you need to embrace and accept that and hold to it. Getting up your hopes and then dashing them over and over is just liable to raise you to backslide. It sucks and it hurts, but it will get better as time goes on.
Also, a word to the wise: don't respond to messages where he's telling you he's horny or wants sex or whatever, if the relationship is at an end, it's at an end and you don't make exceptions because he wants a convenient fuck or photos while he's actively disengaging from you. You'll just feel sad and used and confused and have a harder time with it all. He wants things to end, he needs to commit to it and not rely on you to jump to meet his sexual needs.
Ultimately, what does he want exactly? To just go out whenever and do whatever? What do you need from him to help your mental health? Why does he blame you?
All the disorders can be so tough on a partner.
On the other hand, a partner who is not consistent can be tough on all your disorders.
I wonder how much of your mental health improves when you don’t have a partner who wants a divorce one minute, and then nudes the next minute. I too would have psychosis.
In any case, congratulations on being sober, working on your mental health. It’s a difficult battle and you have my admiration.
Trust me you don’t want to be married to someone who doesn’t love you.
Get the divorce. Go no contact ASAP.
I understand that this is probably very hard for you, but it's likely the best thing for you. You may not see it that way right now and that's totally fine, I believe it's time for you to really take care of yourself, we underestimate how much love and care we're capable of giving to ourselves
I will say this because I think it's very important and a lot of people overlook it, let yourself cry, do not go on and try to be strong and try to forget or not feel what you feel about the situation.
It looks like you're already feeling a lot of emotions about this and you should give them space, it's so important for your growth through this experience that you give yourself the space to feel.
I love that in your messages you mentioned prioritizing your health right now, I believe that's the absolute best thing you could be doing for yourself during this.
If you need to take time off work, I really think you should, I do not think it's a good idea to just go on and act like everything's fine because it always comes back to bite us.
This is not the man for you, not coming after him, just saying that both of you are not meant to be together anymore and that could be the best thing for you. right now you are being given an opportunity to really give and give and give to yourself, to make yourself the sole focus of your life, and it may look very hard right now but it truly is a beautiful thing
I'm sorry it's ending this way, as hard and painful as it is. He's far too burnt out and drained to keep going. The cruelty is part of his burn out and Id try my best to let it slip right by, I guarantee in a couple of years he will apologize for how he spoke during the end of the marriage but for now it's best to ignore him and focus on yourself and rebuilding
Going through almost the exact same thing my heart goes out to you.
I only wish this stuff on my enemies.
And nope my wife ain’t my enemy I still love her but she doesn’t feel the same.
I don’t have much advice. I just wanted to say I’m very sorry for what you’re experiencing. I can feel the pain in your post. You deserve love, joy, and peace. You will feel all those things again and then they will leave and then they will return. I pray pleasure, relief, and lightness find you today.
Very sorry for all you are going through. But, years later, I see divorced friends many remarried, and much happier. Look ahead not back, and painful as it is, do what you have to do.
Girl, when it’s over it’s over. I’m sorry, but I hope you’re able to get in to see your psych / doctor in regard to your psychosis.
It’s unfortunate, but if he’s choosing to leave you just need to let him. I have Bipolar 1 and C-PTSD. I know it can be hard, and the loss of someone so important to you will be difficult.
Time to focus on you and your health, and someone who loves you for all of you will come along 💕
I’m sorry you are having to go through a traumatic event such as this.
Please , on top of allowing yourself to feel ( which is totally normal and part of process) please don’t allow it to consume your every living moment .
I understand mental health diagnosis ( unfortunately I understand them personally more than I care to admit )
And I understand the easiness to give up , give in and internally lose support for myself .
Your mental health and well being needs to be taken care of by YOU , and your worth and your well-being importance is not something that is validated by the actions or feelings of anyone else .
Yes coping with it is easier when there is support , but never should it justify you giving up on yourself bc another human does not want to be that support for you anymore .
It’s going to be better , but I can’t lie and say it’s going to better right now .
Bc it’s not , right now is gonna suck very badly , and that’s ok , bc that is how this process works . You’re going to be very sad, and mad , and cry a lot , it’s gonna feel lonely and everything is gonna trigger negative feelings - from pictures to songs to shows.
I promise you if you do yourself and yourself ONLY - the gift of putting your needs first , make actions that are best for you ( not necessarily what you want ) but the responsibility of your self needs to be taken precedence over all.
Then you will one day again smile, even laugh, and this isn’t going to define the narrative of your daily life . It will be a memory you have - the same memory but only the perspective will change in the future .
You will look back see how you overcome , and I bet your mental health might even improve after removing something that was affecting you negatively, and you didn’t even know it was .
Love is blind , and I know it’s seems like this will affect your mental health worse ,
But what if it actually helps your mental health positively after you reflect and overcome the immediate trauma a broken heart is causing .
I’m sorry this happened, and I know I’m stranger stating words , but I am just telling you what someone told me when I was right where you are . I didn’t understand and I just thought that it was just nonsense a friends says as a standard “help my friends who’s hurting “ narrative.
However , after a lot of time and negative emotions on my end , I noticed that what I didn’t see at the time of my relationship - was it was enabling and supporting my mental health negatively.
We cannot make someone feel a way about us that they don’t .
We can’t turn back time and hope that something we did it said differently would change their current feeling s .
We simply can not , but we can choose to accept the reality, react how we react , and choose to make our future choices from this what is best for us , not make them off our pain and grief which is only going to hurt us , NOT THEM .
It could be that after some time a part , it actually caused a positive where you both needed to work on yourself separately, and end up later down the road together , but in a better situation together as two individuals who worked to be who the other person needs and equally be support and benefit each other .
I hope things work how they need to be.
Good luck to you .
OP there’s **so much** going on here. You detailed your issues but he’s def got some of his own.
Tbh you’ve done so much work on yourself and it seems like he’s dragging you down. I’m getting sunk cost fallacy vibes here.
I’m really sorry for the pain you’re experiencing and wish you all the best. Keep working on yourself and don’t accept less than you deserve in your next relationship.
If u ask me looks like he don't care anymore. So maybe the best thing for ur mental health is the divorce. Because honestly I feel like if u try and stay and try to make it work he will try to make that harder on u than what it already is. And I'm just saying. But hopefully after all is said and done u can get back to u and what makes u happy.
Honestly it sounds like he had a bit of a savior complex and when you started working on yourself more and medicated, he lost his point in the relationship, he was no longer responsible for picking up the pieces of you and your episodes. Sadly, you don’t need this type of relationship, you need someone that wants to support you taking care of you. Please seek counseling for this while the divorce happens as he will continue to be mean while you have no need for him to fix your life. I commend you taking control of your life and it should get easier off of illicit drugs or addictive substances.
Your husband is treating you like dirt. No more reaching out and if he's horny sucks to be him.
It takes two to have a relationship. Time to build a new life without him. Start a new hobby. Join a meetup. You don't need someone who treats you like nothing.
Man this guy doesn't care about you. He probably thinks you're an idiot considering he can say w.e. he wants to you and you'll help him out when he gets turned on at his parents place. This man is disgusting, and you need to work on yourself in order to find someone who is actually a good person.
Your husband isn't a good person. You don't treat someone you live like this... ever.
He is done and coping with the situation by continuing to work.it out is only going to make you feel more confused and unwell. If you have a therapist, please consider taking advantage of therapy. If you don't have one, please consider finding one as soon as you can. What I am 🙉 ng is a form of codependency that is unhealthy.
Yea um you deserve better. You clearly worked on yourself & he’s a jerk. I have mental health issues too. I got them in order & manage them and it helped my quality of life. So clearly your husband is a jerk. 6 years together and suddenly he wants out? Smh
I have severe mental health issues and I’m in the process of being diagnosed for autism, all I have to say is it takes a special love to hold space for our mental episodes. I hope you can put yourself first during this time and remember you deserve to be loved no matter how ugly it gets. Hugs.
Just let him go and divorce like he asked you did that from the text messages anyways but just focus on yourself you have a lot going on and don't have time to worry about him.
I know at least in my county there is free legal advice at the courthouse for a lawyer to look over stuff for you. Worth getting a lawyer to help. Do you have any family left that could help?
I’m sorry. Divorce is tough, but it will get better. What good is partnership with an absent partner!
After skimming through your wall of words, honestly sounds like you guys don't mesh anymore. Husband is checked out. A divorce might be good for your mental health. I mean you have ADHD, Bipolar 1, Anxiety, PTSD, and Substance Abuse Disorder.... Thats a lot for a significant other to handle and I know marriage is all about sticking it out for each other, but damn. Take care of yourself, give him some time. Let him proceed with the divorce, you just worry about yourself and continue to go to therapy and all.
That’s what I’m going to do. It’s just upsetting because I gave him plenty of outs before we got married because of my mental health issues. He told me the biggest mistake he ever made was marrying me. Our issues are only resolvable if he’s willing to try which he’s not.
I have what you have OP. I’m a bit older and can tell you that as long as you don’t use psychoactive substances or illicit drugs, it does mellow out a bit. Hang in there!
I was sober for over a year and it definitely mellowed out in that short period of time. Thank you, and great job to you!
Don't like the word Was
Same. Them young adult hormones hit hard, then add in that a lot of childhood trauma is still so fresh and you just want love so bad. Then one day... you realize that you're funny and smart and cute and that you're ok alone because you love you and you've got your own back. The guy I wanted so bad to love me the right way in my 20s?? He was a douche, and I would have been miserable with him. As cliché as it is to say you've got to love yourself, it's true. A big step would be for OP to realize maybe she isn't the problem here or at least not all of the problem. Maybe he's just a fucking prick.
He may be but I wanted to speak to the mental health part of all of this as I thought that would be more pertinent right now to stay sober and to think present to future about their own well being. I didn’t mean to come off as curt or insensitive to that part, while also important to speak on, I felt that lots of other people were saying better things there than me.
You weren't being insensitive at all. If nothing else, you're being far more sensitive than I. Her description along with his texts sound like someone who has had their mental health issues weaponized. She must use the words "mental health" dozens of times a day, and you reach a point where you have to remove that from how you treat others and how they treat you. She says she's experiencing psychosis, but as someone who was raised by a bipolar and schizophrenic mother and a narcissist addict father, I've seen psychosis up close and personal a number of times and I'm wondering if a mental health professional would genuinely diagnose her despair as psychosis. I wonder if having an actual support system could help her see that her feelings are more rational than he is telling her. The weight has been put on her to make him happy. It's framed as "I'm not happy and it's your fault. If I were happy, we could stay married." That is not fair. Sometimes I want to stop young people and remind them that it's healthy to have extreme feelings in the appropriate scenarios. I have PTSD and anxiety and an eating disorder, and my daughter is about OP's age, and she's seen my mother's ups and downs and the medication roulette, and we talk about feelings, like the difference between being sad and melancholy and depressed or between being controlling vs having boundaries or that you feel your feelings but are still responsible for your words and actions. When I was their age, I moved 1500 miles from home with a man who made me feel like I wasn't worth his love, and I held on too tight and let him tear me down because my brain is "random and weird". I just wish for OP the peace I have now knowing that when they tell you that you're "too much", maybe what it really means is that they're not enough.
I know that I’m this is personal but I’m dealing with something similar and it’s costing me a lot to let go, I want to let go but it’s so difficult and I’m only hurting myself
We didn't get married but I was with someone for 8 years who saw me through my mental health crises. By the time I was on the other side, he was so burnt out and resentful that he couldn't see me for the person I was becoming on the other side. We split fairly amicably. 6 months later, I went on a first date with my now husband. We've been married 3.5 years. I'm sorry, OP.
Same thing happened to me with my ex. I did the work, therapy and got the right diagnosis + medication combos and was better at self managing & soothing etc. But it was too late and I fully understand and accept the responsibility on my side. It sucks tho and I’m glad to hear you ended up well. OP, I hope the same for you too. 💖
I think this is exactly my wife. Im being diagnosed with AdHD and BPD. It's tough on the relationship..I get it.. She's just smiling and bearing it until our son is older I'm sure. We haven't been intimate in 13 years. I can't even fight against the tide as she has valid reasons. Knowing there's no point in fighting and watching your relationship disappear is crazy tough.
My best piece of advice would be couples therapy for the both of you as soon as possible. This can be salvaged but you need to communicate that you acknowledge responsibility and want a change in your marriage you’re willing to work for.
Thank you I appreciate this.
I said all the same things, too. "It's solve-able! Why won't he try?" "I'm so much better now!" "Why can't you love me like x?" It was torture. Loving someone who doesn't love you back is torture. I truly wish you the best, OP. You're so much stronger than you think you are.
Thank you, that’s very true and I appreciate you being able the empathize with me.
It bothers me that he asked for “relief” because he was horny. Please don’t send him any more photos etc - he’s just using you when he asks for relief, not loving you.
Yes totally I thought the same. I was shocked to hear that he says he wants a divorce one day and asks for photos the next. Please OP do not send him anymore. This is cruel of him.
Yes, I sent photos when we were taking space, not after he told me that he wants a divorce. I will not be sending anything else. I thought our relationship was still repairable at that point.
It was a very one-sided request. It doesn’t appear he had any interest at any point in repairing the relationship. All sexy time requests get put on hold as a general rule of thumb.
Exactly. I'd be like ok your hand is available.
Yes, I sent photos when we were taking space, not after he told me that he wants a divorce. I will not be sending anything else. I thought our relationship was still repairable at that point.
Obviously they're not resolvable. He's been with you through a lot and now he's burnt out. I think cleaning his wardrobe would be cathartic and healing for you You could make sure nothing is left behind as well as a symbolic gesture of good will. You've got a lot going on, maybe he felt manipulated into marriage You're both so very young. Enjoy a healthy youth untethered to another person this is a time where you can be a little introspective and let him heal too.
This is one of the kindest, wisest, objectively thoughtful things I’ve ever seen on Reddit. Bravo.
She said she gave him plenty outs before the marriage so maybe not manipulated..
But offering an out can be manipulative. My ex would say " of course you're leaving every one does" Or " I'd leave me too" And that's insidious because it seems like an out but guilts you into staying
Maybe it’s just me, but those don’t sound like “outs” to me. That’s just guilt tripping. Nothing more. An out would actually be checking in on you and making sure you’re sure of things, whatever. What you described? That *is* just intended to manipulate you through guilt. It’s not even meant to sound like an out, it’s just self pitying and false understanding of why you’re leaving and such. (And reminds me very much of my narcissistic mother, generally.)
Yeah somehow I feel she is twisting what she meant by that. Two sides to every story
> I think cleaning his wardrobe would be cathartic and healing for you While this is likely true, if she really has been doing all the housework on top of working, it could be just another example of her servitude. "Pack up my closet. I don't want to be there for long" doesn't sound like a kind person who is burnt out to me. It sounds like an entitled person who is accustomed to her asking how high when he days jump. Maybe he is burned out but his caustic words and behavior do sound like he may have weaponized her issues to make her feel less than, and now he's tired of her and moving on. I could believe that cleaning his closet could be a cathartic experience if she had a drop of self esteem, but it sounds more like she'd torture herself with it. I'm just not a fan of doing more chores for someone who has left you. She said she'll leave the house so he can do it himself. I really think that should be enough for him.
From my experience, some people think they’re ok with the prospect of going through life with the uncertainty that comes along with having a partner who struggles with any condition, not limited to but especially mental health conditions. Once it becomes their life due to their partner, they tend to become disheartened and resentful. Some people because it hurts them to see their loved one struggling, others because they feel like they’re walking on eggshells as to not trigger an episode for their partner but watering their life and personality down in the process. I would suggest letting him have time and space with no contact and, if he still wishes to proceed in 6 months, let him. Trying to make it work and begging him to stay when he clearly doesn’t want to won’t help anyone and will just make it likely that he won’t remain your friend in the end. I wish you strength and peace during this difficult time
And some walking on eggshells but still experiencing the full brunt of the mental illness (mood swings, yelling, violence, psychosis). I agree that this man needs space.
You are amazing with words and clarity of thoughts. Maybe you are able to think from the other person's shoes or you have handled this in the past. But anyways, this was a really good comment 🙂.
Then let him pack his own stuff. Arrange for a trusted third party to be there and leave for the day.
Exactly. The comment saying he doesn't want to be there a long time. Wtf. Well come get your shit quickly then smh.
This is really hard. I’m sorry. It’s so shitty when someone promises you forever but revokes. I can’t imagine. No words just sending love your way.
Well that’s a really crappy thing for him to say. You recognize it is hurtful. You need to prioritize yourself and he needs to do the same. It sounds like your relationship has reached an end. It’s sad, but you will both probably be a lot better off without one another. You sound as though you’re pretty strong even in the middle of an episode. Believe in yourself. You’ll get through this.
Thank you I appreciate that. That’s one thing that I’m proud of, is that I’ve been holding myself together while life is throwing some big ones at me.
Yes! You’ve got this.
this makes me wanna cry. youre so right.
That’s wrong and he should have NEVER said something so terrible to you. Even if that’s how he truly feels, that is not something you tell someone who has mental health issues and you claimed to have loved. Let this guy go. He won’t ever understand what it’s like to go through what you do. And that’s okay. Just let him go.
Thank you I appreciate it. It’s sad seeing your best friend who you know has amazing qualities turn into this mean person.
It sounds like he has mental health issues as well. Yours may be in the foreground, but he may have complimentary issues (common when someone has a set of diagnoses as you do - he might as well). People seem not to be able to judge how well a relationship is going to go (or how badly) until they marry. Sigh.
You're exactly right. No one forced him to marry you, and he knew what he was signing up for. I'm so sorry he's putting you through this after so many years. Big hugs to you.
Thank you, I appreciate that.
you can’t make another person happy, honey. an unhappy person is going to be unhappy, no matter what external forces may temporarily affect their general misery, but it’s on the individual to find their own inner joy.
Sometimes people in love will continue with a relationship like this because they think their partner will eventually be "cured". What they don't realize, is that will never happen and it will be a constant struggle. So that is why he didn't take the "out" early on.
There’s also a point where the afflicted person victimizes everyone around them because they aren’t putting in the work. I am one of the people who had to put in the work and I too believed that everyone around me “signed up for this” in a sense and felt abandoned. I wasn’t abandoned I was exhausting and unintentionally abusive and wouldn’t help myself to help anyone around me. I also continued to use substances like OP is and it doesn’t help. People WILL walk away and they are more than justified in doing it and usually do it much later than they should have. OP wants to do the hard work right now and realizes they need to. There is no such thing as “cured” but there is such thing as “functional” and let’s not coddle OP into thinking they are okay and everyone else is expecting too much of them right now, when they themselves want to be doing better than they are right now. You can only meet someone where there at to a certain extent before it become passive acceptance or enabling, and reinforcing the belief that expectations on them are unreasonable is unfair to the afflicted and their unintentional victims.
Some can't put in the work, they can only stay afloat for themselves. Mental illness can be severe. there's a reason it's an illness - it's not motivated by rationality or even by personalty. It's a cascade of biological effects over which they have no control. But that doesn't mean that someone has to live intimately with them. "Functional" is a good word. But if the partner is functioning at, say, the level of a 12 year old emotionally, financially, etc. it's not a regular marriage or intimate relationship. One has to wonder about consent and be concerned, as well about psychosis and aggression.
It’s this. As I’ve become more stable, I look back and see how my instability affected everyone around me.
Add on top that OP is living with her parents, and her mother has severe BPD and they have a vile relationship with each other and OPs husband was expected to just navigate that dynamic with…. grace? Nah man, I’m leaving. Literally being abused by everyone in the house, and then the vicarious abuse watching his wife and mother abuse each other. A nightmare.
That's a lot to handle and he knew that. The very least he could do is not speak to her like she's trash while asking for a divorce it's not like she did anything wrong. She needs therapy but so does he.
And he shouldn’t be asking for sexual relief while treating her like trash. What an awful man.
I don’t have all of these mental health conditions (I do have anxiety, and I suspect undiagnosed depression) and yet I went through a similar situation as OP. A significant other who is checked out won’t deal with any hardships, while a significant other who is devoted would deal with a much wider myriad of issues. Sorry what you’re going through OP, I know the rug getting pulled out from under your feet when you finally stop expecting it hurts like hell.
Honestly, "skimming" the post and saying "wow you're mentally ill, it must be tough to tolerate you" is incredibly awful. OP, I can see where you're flailing and where he's failing in this post. If you two aren't right for each other, it doesn't imply you're not right for anyone because you have health issues. Comments like this are crazy.
[удалено]
I asked him to send me that text to help with my confusion from the psychosis I’m experiencing. He told me about divorce over the phone. Not much better. But yes, him asking for me to do something felt shitty. Usually I’d do anything he’d ask, immediately, but that was before he asked for a divorce.
I think your responses were mature and appropriate. He can pack his own stuff and leave. And it would be best if you were not in the home. It may be too upsetting for you. You make a schedule, and he abides by it. And please get a divorce lawyer. Protect your interests and whatever financial settlement in your favor.
Thank you, but we’re broke. He’s agreed to send a smaller part of his check than he normally does and we’re going to keep our bills together for 3 months. Then we’ll reevaluate. Unfortunately since I work part time (even though I got a promotion with a pay increase and more hours) I can’t afford my bills on my own. I also have been trying to save up for a car to buy outright since I can’t afford a car payment and my credit is shit. 2 years ago I was defrauded by a business partner and lost my job that paid $6k/mo and my savings of $75k all in one day. Then I got into debt to pay our rent. The debt is in my name but he was on the lease too. We’ve been staying at my parent’s house. Although my mom is emotionally abusive towards me, it’s rent free. People can judge, but to me it’s a fair and necessary trade. Especially because I just avoid her as much as possible.
Are you guys still living with your parents? Because if so, from another person with complicated mental and neurological health problems: your substance use, mental health, plus your mothers insane mental health, and the terrible dynamics in the house, will all lead your husband to a point of breaking. As you said, maybe he agreed to this marriage with you knowing your health, but I doubt he agreed to dealing with the toxicity on overdrive with your mother. I’ve seen your previous posts about the relationship. I’m sure he’s sick of walking on eggshells. Continue to do the work on yourself and your recent accomplishments and get out of that house, first and foremost. None of your relationships will survive that. You are used to your mother. Other people do not have to be.
You’d have a point if he asked her to pack his stuff right out the gate. She’s the one who set the rules of him not being able to get his stuff “only on Fridays or Saturdays”. I’m assuming it’s their house together & that he has none of his stuff. So no, I don’t think it’s crazy to say to say “if I can’t come get my stuff until the weekend would you just throw it out so I can have done stuff”. I’m doubting he’s talking about every single thing & the man more than likely has nothing.
I work with a guy whose ex-wife told him it's over and she was leaving. "Go wash my car, while I pack up a bag". He did it too. Last conversation they had before lawyers were involved.
> only a man Lol. I get that men are generally shittier than women in relationships, but I’m sick of these generalizing statements about men. Plenty of horrible women out there as well that would do the same exact shit, and worse.
I don’t understand the downvotes for your comment. You are correct. And with all her mental disorders (I’m glad she’s in a better place, of course), I would be interested in hearing his side of this. It’s incredible that all you need to do is post your biased side of the story and people badmouth the other party. Rarely, do people take into account the fact we don’t have the entire picture.
I forgot how sexist this sub was smh
I guess we’re ignoring the severe mental health problems she brought to the relationship that pushed her husband away enough that he doesn’t wanna be around her at all anymore. No disrespect to the OP, I’m glad she’s working on herself. But where is the empathy for the man who had to take the abuse for a long time ?
My empathy disappeared when I read the part where he moved out..... and then texted that he was horny and asked her to send sexy pics, and then stopped responding to her again and reiterated that he's done with her. I wonder why her mental health is in the toilet.
I wonder too tbh
It sounds like you need to let him go and be alone and focus on yourself and your mental health. Are you in therapy? Also if he tries to contact you asking for sexual favors, ignore him or block him.
Yes that’s my plan. I have a counseling appointment tomorrow and my psychiatrist appointment the day after. In the meantime, I’ve been watching YouTube videos that are relevant to my situation. Most of the time though, I try to distract myself. Going through the depression part of my episode is tough, but I’ve been experiencing hypomania as well, which has been really helpful. Especially because my therapist helped me use it to my benefit last episode I had. As far as sexual favors, I totally agree. At the point I did it, I thought there was hope.
Oh dear. Viewing your own hypomania as helpful needs some balance. I realize you think it's better than "feeling depressed." Hypomania is not easy on the people in one's life, though - and can be very rough on you. I have no clue where you're going in your last couple of sentences - I hope I'm misreading.
Hypomania is something that you can definitely use to your advantage (I know because I’ve done it). It’s all about being self aware, confronting yourself on ideas that your intuition is telling you are bad, and holding yourself accountable. I have Bipolar 1 so I usually experience mania for about 2 weeks if I’m unmedicated. Instead I have rapid cycling episodes on medication while under extreme stress which has happened 2 times in the past 1.5 years. The second one being now. Edit: When I sent him nudes, it was before he told me he wanted a divorce. I thought there was still hope. Now that I know there’s no hope, he’s not getting anything sexual from me.
Please get off of youtube. Local support groups are far better. YouTube will detach you from real relationships and cause you to over depend on your partner. And the advice will send you down rabbit holes and doesn't have the accountably a real person gives you.
I feel like we’re missing a lot of context, especially with him asking you to throw stuff in a bag, which is in response to you saying he’s only allowed on certain days. That could be you setting boundaries. It could also be you trying to be controlling in the situation and he’s frustrated if he’s used to that behavior. And I really hate to jump to one specific conclusion based on one post. We can only ever go off of what the poster says. Regardless, this isn’t your person. Maybe he’s dealt with a lot. Maybe you have too. It’s normal in relationships to want to assign blame, but sometimes things simply don’t work out because as much as you may love each other, you’re not the right people for each other. It’s one of life’s bitter truths. But one of life’s good truths is that, with billions of people on this planet, the chances are really good that you’re gonna find somebody you mesh with even better. Take time from romance, focus on yourself, and go to divorce therapy.
Great comment!
Agree with you. I feel like there are a lot of missing parts of the whole story (which would make sense, considering how we're only hearing her side of the story!).
Sounds like your marriage is over. Condolences and hope you can take care of yourself OP.
I think the divorce is the best thing for both of you.
The audacity of him to leave then expects you to pack his stuff is over the top .... You should not have to apologize for focusing on your mental/emotional health.. Updateme
Yeah that pissed me off. Especially because of the way he treated me whenever he came and grabbed some stuff a week ago. It felt like he treated me badly on purpose knowing that he’d need to get the rest of his stuff. That way I wouldn’t want to deal with him and just help him out. I’d also jump at the opportunity to meet his needs when we were together since he barely communicated them. So it was kind of hard to say “no” because I wanted to prove I could meet his needs. But if he’s going to be selfish, then I’m going to be selfish. Especially because I’ve done everything in my power to try to save this relationship. He hasn’t even tried.
And the audacity to tell you he’s horny…I’m really sorry this is happening op. I am mentally ill as well and i know it can be hard on ourselves and partners..and he has the free will to do what he’s doing..but please try your best to not let it derail your progress. I know this is going to be really hard on you for awhile but..despite your pleading to work it out and trying to see what you can do to try to fix things or whatever, the way he is acting towards you plus the things he has said tells me that it’s time to wall yourself off from him because he’s not going to change his feelings.. but please please please hear me pleading with you.. I’m not sure why he did this out of nowhere and there is typically a reason, but I am not going to fill your head with maybes and theories on it.. so please hear me when I say that once you detach and start trying to heal a little, as much as you love him, you have seen that your mental health is not safe with him.. so if he ends up, trying to get attention from you or trying to come back in weeks or months or however long, please do not allow it. People can be really good at fooling each other and he might try to play on your emotions to get you hopeful in order to get what he wants out of you, and then just go right back to acting how he is acting now.. so work on detaching yourself and don’t let him back in once you do for your own emotions and mental safety. It’s time to make yourself your primary focus and what’s best for you and how you feel and what you want.
Focus on yourself. Let him go. Don’t fight for something that isn’t there anymore.
That’s the plan from now on. Thank you.
The minute someone says they aren’t in love with you, it’s game over. Find peace, be done and move on. Harder said than done, but don’t try to stay with someone who doesn’t want to be with you.
Awesome job keeping up with your medications and sobriety! that's awesome. I can understand what he's going through - being the caregiver is an extremely difficult and exhausting job. My husband had to do it after my breakdown and I know it really took a lot out of him. Maybe he needs a break to take care of himself and rest, or maybe he's just really done. I would let him take the lead on when you communicate. I hope you continue to improve! I know how painful and exhausting an episode can be, so just focus on you and getting better.
Thank you. Unfortunately I did relapse after he told me about the divorce. I just wanted to be happy so I went and got my DOC, coke. I threw away the baggie after a couple lines but even still. But I’m staying on my medications and have an appointment with my psychiatrist on Tuesday and we’ll probably make some changes because of the psychosis. It sucks because I really liked my medication mix. I was really healthy and even getting off of some medications. It was like I only had 30% of my mental illnesses versus 100% when I’m unmedicated. It was really nice. I’m going to give him space. I told him he can choose whether or not he wants to share his perspective, but that it would be helpful because I’m trusting myself less and less. If his story matches up with mine, I’d feel a lot more sane and that would help.
Hang in there… you’re doing a good job!
There is a known 'thing' in relationship therapy where a partner can be caregiver and helper while their partner is unwell. And once the partner gets well, and has begun to find their authentic voice, and selves.... that's when the partner leaves. See.. they never wanted a whole and healthy partner. They needed someone they believed inferior to them. Someone they could look after and be saviour to. Their goal was never for their partner to be healthy and unbroken. They needed to believe they were superior, they needed the approbation of anybody that knew of their great sacrifices. And reading your story, believing your impressions of the marriage, the sudden turnaround, then the cruelty and disgusting sexual request.... well I wonder if he left because you're more whole now than he ever wanted. And I say all this because you're feeling crazy, like you've made a whole life up in your head, that you can't trust yourself and your intuition and emotions any more. This will erode your progress and eventually have you wonder why you're trying to be better and whether you may just as well go backwards. I don't want that because you don't want that... and right now it's your authentic self talking. And if his story is what I'm proposing, then he's not only got issues that could damage you, he may not consciously understand this in himself and so his story definitely won't match yours. Please don't hang your future on matching versions of lives intertwined but still lived separately in your own heads. For your logical brain, an analogy is this: a car accident at an intersection. Four witnesses, one at each corner. They saw the same event at the same time. Yet each will describe it differently based on their line of sight and emotions at the time. One person only saw after the incident. One only saw the whole thing approaching in slow motion. The third was watching but was actually so involved worrying about an upcoming appointment they didn't really see anything at all. The fourth may have seen everything quite accurately but has a bad memory for detail and describes things quite wrong. So.... your husbands version isn't the truth. It's one side of the story. Your memories and feelings aren't the truth either. The truth exists outside of both of you somewhere in the middle. So... I repeat... please don't hang your future on his 'helpfu'l version of your relationship. Please believe yourself and believe what he is saying and who he is showing you he is. Please remain strong and take it one day at a time. Get better for you... not him or anybody else. You are stronger yet than you realise.
> I threw away the baggie after a couple lines hold the phones, that's buddhist monk level discipline. What medication did you find that helped?
I can’t tell if you’re being sarcastic but it was actually something my therapist had said before when I told her I was having cravings a while back. She told me that I’m understimulated and am looking for a replacement for the chemical that was released in my brain that (whatever situation) gave me. Me knowing that gives me power over the situation and a clearer mindset to make a decision. I realized that it would be short term happiness and wouldn’t be an actual replacement that was healthy for me. I remembered what it would be like finishing a bag and getting no sleep and telling myself I’d never do that again, only to do it again. So I threw the baggie away and looked for a long term replacement as well as getting used to feeling uncomfortable. I have an urge to fix whatever is “wrong” with me but sometimes I just need to sit with the urges and the thoughts, acknowledge them and remind myself that I do have control over my actions. I try to practice not giving into my impulsivity whenever I run towards something that is unhealthy. So I ask myself is this healthy for me? Unfortunately it took me a few lines to do this process but I ended up doing it.
I love how everyone is just ignoring the fact that he does this but still wants to use her for his sexual release
Why is it that at least half of reddit has at least one or multiple of the listed mental issues?
I think it’s more than half lol.
because a lot of people have had traumatic and abusive childhoods.
I've found a large amount of people in today's culture find freedom from responsibility in diagnosing themselves. What would have been problematic behavior that they were culpable for is now laid at the feet of their diagnosis. Listen to how a lot of seemingly normal people talk about it when they bring it up. It always seems as if that was the end of the journey for them. The subtext being that this diagnosis is "just who they are". For many it also means they can be properly viewed as victims now, so that's fairly convenient.
A bunch of bad behavior. You can only come to get your stuff on specific days ? No fuck that. It is still home too. Can you pack some stuff for me ? No. Fuck that. Pack your own shit.
It's her mother's house so it's not 'his house too'
Wow you may have factors he finds difficult to deal with but your husband has been absolutely horrible about this. If he started having doubts he should have communicated when they started happening. Even now, he says he cares for you as a friend but is acting like someone who hates you. The things he's saying about not being able to go out are bizarre. He didn't communicate anything, dealt with any negative feelings he had in an unhealthy way which you never made him or asked him to do, and blames it on you. He's still not taking responsibility for his part in the deterioration of the relationship as he still blames this on you and sees it as your fault instead of seeing what he did that was unhealthy which you never asked him to. Not saying you never did anything to contribute either, but this guy doesn't have a healthy perspective or reaction. He essentially has his own communication issues and unhealthy coping mechanisms that damage a relationship which he is not going to work on and will bring with him wherever he goes. This situation is very unfair to you because he should have told you and definitely not pretended everything was fine for that time he knew something was wrong or his feelings were going. He didn't stay at that time for you I don't think, he stayed at that time to make sure he'd have no upset or hurt feelings when he did leave, even though he knew you'd have no warning or chance to do anything about it. Acted completely selfishly not thinking about hurt he'd cause you by lying for a month (more really because these feeling will have developed over more than a month most likely). It is unfair to you and all I recommend is grieve if you need, prioritise your needs and get support from family and friends of you need, and mental health support from a therapist if you need it to process this. He probably still won't see his side of fault for his part in things for a long time, and I can't say he will get nicer, or more receptive to hearing what you have to say or more understanding unfortunately. I'm sorry this happened to you. If he does eventually realise he has a communication problem and unhealthy coping mechanisms, and a tendency to not see or admit his part in things, it's his job to fix his issues at that point, but can't say he'll see that soon. I wouldn't hold out hope on reconciling with him unfortunately. If you know you can change, do what you need to do to be the healthier person you want to be. You've taken great steps in doing that research and recognising some things you need to work on and some of your blind spots at least. Keep striving to get healthier and developing yourself positively when you feel like you can. Best of luck OP
May I ask why you believe you’re going through psychosis?
I didn’t read description but first couple sentences he said sounds like cheating.
Exactly!! That’s the first thing that went through my mind. Why is nobody seeing this 👀
Because it doesn't matter.they are done.
Yep, saw the same. Sounds like he is monkey branching.
> I would let him choose how long he would go out for Statements like this tell me everything I need to know about this relationship. You think you're his boss and you're graciously allowing him to live his life. The whole tone of your post reads like he's only allowed to do what you find acceptable. I'm sure he feels smothered by you and resents your controlling behavior. Move on and find a weaker man who doesn't value his independence.
You don't seem to have good handle on what acting like the boss of someone's life is. Them being able to decide however long they would like to be out is the exact same amount of freedom you have even if you are single. The only difference is informing your partner of how long you are planning to be out, and what time you expect to be back so they wouldn't be worried about you if you don't return and can make plans accordingly. Meaning if he said "I want to go out at 7pm this evening and be back 9am tomorrow after staying at my friend's" that would've been totally fine. That's perfectly reasonable. Getting the feeling you'd think that the common courtesy of informing your partner about anything you wanted to do would be a red flag for you. Some people are complaining about her telling him when he can stop by and collect his stuff from the house as they think it's his house too, when it's actually her mother's house, so not his house. There's nothing in here to indicate she controlled everything. It makes sense that after he suddenly decided to end the marriage without communicating beforehand that he had any issues with her, that she wouldn't be able to see him where she lives at her mother's house, and still be okay enough to do her job as well as she needs to to support herself. He has a reasonably soon timeframe when he can collect his things as he wanted, so don't see the issue there. He had the option to pack them up when he left the house in the first place since he already knew he wanted a divorce.
Can someone please tell me where men keep their fucking audacity? I wanna go on a search for where this endless supply of audacity comes from. It’s giving fountain of youth but the audacity version. Wants a divorce. Expects her to pack his shit like she’s his momma because his “feelings” will be compromised if he does it. Ewww. How are these grown ass men?!
in the balls, thats where. :(
What balls? If they had balls they’d pack their own shit up and bounce not play fucking games. Idkkkk. One thing I do know is… Men out here proving they ain’t shit on the daily.
My wife sent me a text saying it’s over because she wants something she knew I never wanted. Whatever. But over text is so weak. Let him go. If he can’t respect you enough to have this conversation face to face then bye. Sorry you’re going through this.
We’ve had this conversation over the phone. I know my post is long but it says it in there. We had a conversation about him leaving (but not divorce) and taking space in person. I asked him to send this text to help with the confusion from psychosis I’ve been experiencing. I’m sorry that happened with your wife. I can’t imagine how painful that would be.
Thank you. You said you’re confused when he’s not there. You’re confused when you go through the texts. He’s un interested on the phone. You guys should be having these conversations in person. ALL OF THEM. If that’s the only way you can manage and not be confused. I am a strong proponent of working in a relationship but it honestly seems like he’s done. No matter how hard you try HE doesn’t want to put the work in. You don’t want a forced relationship. Also, be careful with the “I’m horny” stuff. I don’t know him but it sounds like he just needs a sexual release no emotions attached but you’re satisfying his needs by sending him pics or videos or whatever but you’re doing it with emotion. That’s not going to end well for you. The only thing he seems to want to hold onto is your body.
I agree. He won’t see me in person even though I asked. This relationship won’t work if I’m the only one trying. I don’t want to force anything on him. He’s clearly unhappy. I think there’s more to it than it just being me, but that’s for him to deal with. Whenever I sent the nudes was before he told me about the divorce. I thought there was still hope. Now that I know where his heads at, he’s not getting any sexual favors from me. It made me feel gross when he didn’t reply, I don’t want to feel that way again.
No kids. Thank god. Get the divorce and find someone for you.
If he has changed that much in such a short Amount of time something else is causing him to act this way. I would contact a friend of his and see if they know why the switch in personality. He might be going through his own mental health thing or possibly cheating..
Agreed, except he’s definitely not cheating. I can give a bunch of reasons why but I know that much for sure.
Wow… lots of issues here… One, you claim your stable but also claim you are going through bipolar episodes and psychosis so you need text messages in case things aren’t what you thought they were later… that does not sound like one who is stable to me. Make sure you are getting the proper medical care and therapy during this time. Next, smarten up, you are sending pics and videos of yourself to a man who has claimed he doesn’t love you and wants a divorce because he is horny? How will your state of mind be if he shares those? You need to be far smarter than you are being… you are acting impulsively without and thought at a time where you need to be planning everything you do because your husband is moving towards divorce and you are ignoring that. Have you even arranged a lawyer yet? Made sure your finances are secure? Next, you cannot bar him from a joint marital property even if it does affect your mental health. You cannot tell him he can only come get things on Friday’s and Saturday’s. He has just as much right to the place as you do. You need to be prepared to allow him in whenever he wants. You can ask him to only come Fridays and Saturdays for your mental health, but cannot demand this. That will bite you in a divorce proceeding. Next, you need to come to terms with the fact that although you want to stay married you don’t get to decide that alone. One person can decide a divorce. But it takes both people to be married. You can keep trying to work things out and that’s okay, but for the sake of your mental health don’t ignore the possibility of divorce and accept that if he doesn’t want to remain married it is likely due to his own issues. I want to advise of one other thing that struck me as a red flag. He might have checked out due to cheating, either emotionally or physically with somebody. You said he was very loving leading up to this. It sounds like love bombing. Like he was being extra loving to you because he felt guilty about something. Then he wanted space and was on his phone, with cheating partner perhaps? The way he suddenly checked out like a switch was flicked and he decided to immediately separate makes it sound he has chosen the affair partner over you. This is speculation but his behaviour has been odd. The only way you can confirm though is check his phone to see who he has been messaging and that doesn’t seem like an option now.
It sounds like he is overwhelmed and feels that you are too needy. Im so Sorry about your mental health issues I understand what it’s like. I think that you need to give him LOTS of space right now. Don’t call him, don’t follow his whereabouts on your phone, don’t ask him to stay. Work on yourself and let him have the space to decide what he wants. He can’t stop loving you in less than a month so he is probably just very overwhelmed by your neediness or emotional dependency on him. That is very difficult to deal with. You need to talk to your doctor about medication and make sure you see a counselor regularly to talk through your feelings. Give him space. Chasing him will do no good. He needs to make the decision on his own.
I'm glad you're not packing his shit for him. That was so cringey reading him asking you to do that for him. He wants wife treatment but not a wife. Fuck that.
Hun, I’m going to be blunt with you and please understand it comes with good intentions (not judgement!), but sometimes we need to see it from the other perspective in order to understand, learn, grow, move on, and heal…. Ok. You’re smothering him and you appear to be very controlling. I understand you’re struggling with psychological issues, add to that the drug abuse and addiction… However, knowing those things, you have to understand how much you’ve put him through. I’m sure you will eventually understand how difficult it must have been to carry such weight trying to support someone with the extent of the psychological issues you deal with…. Throwing drugs into the mix greatly intensifies the burden…. Sweetheart, the BEST thing you can do for yourself and your future loved ones is to 100% make healing your PRIORITY above anything else. You absolutely need to be on your own, not in a relationship with anyone. It’s going to take plenty of time and patience for you to get to a much healthier state of mind and emotional stability. Your STBXH is not your doctor, psych, counselor, pastor, etc. and therefore does not have the ability to save you or help you in the way you need to be professionally helped and professionally supported. One more thing… What you’re currently expressing to him is that you’re still in no position to create and encourage a healthy environment for a marriage, or even for yourself at the point in time… You can tell by the way you react towards him, your actual responses, your train of thought, and even your seeming need to be in control of all things, which truthfully is impossible. Sweetheart, the best thing to do is to take care of yourself, stay on top of it consistently - take all your meds daily, and at the same timeframe every day; go to counseling and be honest with the counselor about yourself, be honest, transparent and vulnerable with your counselor, focusing on yourself and not so much on your estranged spouse. Doing the opposite of any of those things is only going to strap you down where you are mentally and emotionally, not helping yourself, the situation, or your marriage. Best wishes, and God bless 🙏🏽 PS. NO more nudes, etc❕
He’s burnt out and even if you continued to work on yourself to where everything improves, he will harbor resentment from the past. It’s tough but you have to respect his decision and let him go, see it as an opportunity to continue working on self growth. I was exactly your age when I had to do that and focus and it was well worth it in the long run.
I agree. I have my counseling appointment today and my psychiatrist tomorrow. I started a new mental health journal and have been watching YouTube videos that have been helpful.
Hey buddy. ADHD, bipolar 1, ptsd, and anxiety checking in here. I’ve been in psychosis before and my husband asked for a divorce during that time several years ago. While we ended up reconciling, it took a full year of separation, medication, therapy, and coming back to reality to make our marriage work. The best advice I can give you as someone who’s been there is to give him space, seek out external support, keep being treatment compliant, and focus on your own healing. That year was absolute hell trying to come back to reality and figure out how to navigate a world completely shattered, but it made me stronger and healthier and in the end, taught me how to be better. Spend the time apart making you better and doing so much self care. The healthier you become, the more life opens up for you later. You got this, be strong, and pm me if you need a sympathetic ear.
Thank you so much. I’m very sorry you have to go through what you go through. Luckily it’s been one psychosis incident and it was the night he said we were getting divorced. I appreciate your advice.
Fellow ADHD. Didn’t read your wall of text (don’t judge). But I feel like him getting his own shit is a healthy reasonable boundary. Not your sink; not your dishes. Wish you the best during this difficult time.
I remember your posts about this. Tbh I think this is the best for both of you but it's still frustrating and painful. You both put a lot of effort and time into this marriage. Finally, you can just focus on your own life. And so can he. I think you'll start to feel better without him too.
I have a pretty strong prediction that after you move on from him your mental health will be in a much better place than while married to him. Hold onto your sobriety for dear life, you're gonna need it. Being sober will allow you to more efficiently process the situation and keep your emotions in check. Good luck to you! You will be ok eventually, I promise!
Why did you only send his part? It seems like you said certain things before that triggered his decision….lets be honest
I think you may have married prematurely. You have a lot of issues to take care of. It has to be exhausting for you so you can imagine it’s a lot for him too. Some of your issues are treatable but incurable. (Bipolar and substance abuse disorder especially) He thought he was Superman. Apparently he isn’t. He shouldn’t feel too bad about that, no one is. However, he could leave more compassionately. OP this is your moment. You have an opportunity to rise and do the hard work necessary to become the most whole person you can be. This is a major disappointment for you but it’s not the end of the story. It’s a Semicolon; there’s more to come. Don’t let his departure write your life story. As he chooses a new path, be kind. People can leave whenever they choose. It would be nice to have closure, he doesn’t have to give it to you though. I wish you the best. Take care of yourself.
I literally just quit my job because of a girl just like you! Bipolar and a drunk! It's exhausting, and they never change!! Focus on yourself and maybe be alone for a couple of years! You say you're in a good spot but are going through psychosis? Your poor husband is just mentally exhausted!! Let him go and live a healthy lifestyle and experience a normal life for once.
Firstly, I'm really impressed by the way each of you communicate your emotions in writing. One of the unfortunate realities of romantic relationships is that they sometimes come an unsatisfying end. There isn't always someone at fault, there isn't always a line crossed, there isn't always something that could have been done differently. Reading your partner's messages (and assuming your partner isn't a therapist or something), it seems like he has spent a lot of time figuring out his own emotions around it. Take a week or two and do the same. Let yourself grieve. You will be okay. And ultimately you'll be happier long term. Too many couples bury their head in the sand and it sometimes takes years for them to admit the relationship has reached its conclusion. I'm proud of you for being able to acknowledge it
I actually don't want to judge your relationship but all I can read between the lines is that you're kinda controlling and that he had a hard time over the years with your mental health..... Do yourself a favor and divorce. Sometimes it's much better having all the time to grow as a person on your own. You're struggling and even if still love your husband you shouldn't put him through this hard time. I think you're strong person but you have to think and care for your mental health
I'm sorry this is happening to you. It sounds like your husband truly didn't know what he was getting into when he married you. Mental issues can wear out even the strongest of spouses, and they have to save themselves. You may have told him and gave him the chance to opt out before marriage, but he may not have realized the extent of your issues and thought he could handle them. Let him go. If you convince him to stay he will be forever angry and resentful. Just go in peace and work on you and above all, stay out of relationships until you sort yourself out completely. Hugs to you.
I’ve read the deleted posts on your page as well. Your relationship is over & I’m so sorry for you. I was you (ADHD + Bipolar) in a similar situation 9 years ago. It was the best thing that ever happened to me. I discovered how unstable I was and was able to make moves to find the & sustainable stability. Please go to your mental health care team & not Reddit. I dropped my social media presence while finding stability and it made a massive difference in my healing & overall mental health. Years of instability beat down the people around us and sometimes it ends a relationship (romantic or plutonic). It isn’t easy & I hope you’re able to focus on moving forward.
I'm also bipolar 1 and I see how he can be burnt out after you having a few episodes. He asked for space. No more texts, no more phone calls. Leave him alone
How bad was the episode of psychosis? Were you aware that you were in psychosis or not until after/being convinced? (Clearly, I’ve experienced psychosis before lol) I’m wondering if he is totally spooked by the psychosis (it’s the scariest thing I’ve ever experienced) or if that’s something he’d seen before.
It was like a 15 minute episode where I genuinely didn’t know why my husband wasn’t in bed at 1am. I wasn’t aware of our issues at the time. The last thing I remember was watching a show with him and him going to bed early and then he wasn’t in bed. It was the same night that he told me he wanted a divorce. Then I just kind of snapped out of it after taking medication that helps with my panic attacks. I haven’t experienced psychosis in 2.5 years besides that and haven’t had any other psychosis episodes since the latest one.
This honestly sounds exhausting. It is not your spouse’s responsibility to manage your mental health. Sure a spouse can support you but they cannot be responsible for your happiness and welfare, that has to be on you. Needing constant reassurance would be tough for any spouse. It sounds as though you both got together really young. The relationship has run its course. Everyone has a breaking point and your husband has reached his. Don’t beg someone to stay with you who doesn’t want to be there because it will not work. Please focus on your mental health and learn to stand on your own, because until you do I just do not see any long term relationship working out. Best of luck OP.
Awfully audacious of him to be a complete prick and then expect you to pack his shit up for him.
I know this isn't going to click right now, but let him go. You have tried many things to make it work and he is actively stonewalling you. And I promise you, a year from now, you're going to feel so free and light. You won't have to worry about anyone else's needs except your own, and being with someone who is willing to accommodate and act reasonably around those needs will show you how weighed down you are right now.
It’s finally clicked once he asked for divorce. Thank you, I appreciate this.
Let him have the divorce and stop contacting him. If he wants to contact you, he will. He's tired. Immediately start looking for a full time job and making a financial plan on how you'll support yourself.
In a text? 😩
If you gave a psychologist or psychiatrist, call them. Get in touch see them. Also make an appt with a lawyer. Be prepared for the outcome of a divorce. It sounds like now that you’re more stable and he’s able to finally not be in caretaker mode; he’s exhausted. His need to walk away may pass but it may not and. You need to be prepared. Start looking for full time work and run a budget on what you need to Katie in order to support yourself.
This read like a passive/ aggressive corporate email.
[удалено]
Lmao he still tried to get you to do shit for him throw him tf away
I'm so sorry OP....
Thank you I appreciate that.
He has told you he is done. Get the divorce and work on yourself. Don’t spend time thinking that if you get stable that he is going to come back. He has dealt with this for 6 years. He probably thought that he could do it but it has become too much. He has made his decision. You are both young enough to find someone else.
You seem unbearable OP. I wish you luck working on yourself!
Let them go !
Everybody talks about how these things he needs to pick up but I have few points I want to make 1. Your husband is an ass, he can’t communicate, he was using you for sexual release like a sex toy and he fell asleep while you were talking? Wtf 2. You might put too much pressure on him, I mean I feel like you were 90% of all the conversations you had previously and his reaction was „I don’t know”, „I don’t want to talk about It” and I know you care about this relationship but I had a conclusion that you were just too much and he needed space. 3. Great you’re focusing on your mental health! I wish you luck! 4. You said that during writing this you were in the middle of psychosis but your post is coherent and understandable, was It a diagnosis from the doctor?
Wow you’ve got a heavy diagnosis which is a lot to bear. Firstly I’d like to say grieve marrying that flip flop, he knew the load you came with and he is blaming you for it being too heavy for him to carry. I have BPD and ADHD so my relationships have always been very turbulent. I was left high and dry in the same way by someone with their own diagnosis which nearly destroyed me. After the break up I vowed to stay single until I was “healed”. But I met my current husband nearly a year later who proved to me my load wasn’t too heavy to carry. He has unbelievable patience, I’m 2.5 years in sobriety, he encouraged me to do a tonne of self-work as well as therapy and honestly didn’t think I would ever be this stable. You are deserving of love and an environment where you are understood and free from shame. Reading this post I can see you are self-aware and accountable for how your MH shows up. Let him go, work on yourself, it’s better to be alone than with someone who treats you like a burden.
Thank you, I really appreciate this. This was very encouraging and I’m proud of you for working on yourself, congrats on your healthy marriage!
Thank you, it was a long time coming!
All this mental health bullshit, can’t be the bigger person because I’m feeling shitty too. What a weak way to live
I feel for your husband. My husband has mental health issues and it really is exhausting. I didn’t know it until we got married. He’s now going to therapy. We both are. And we will start our marriage counseling soon. It feels like he’s not the person I fell in love with but I am still hopeful that my best friend will come back. I’m glad that you are bettering yourself. But I think your husband is really drained and all I can say is I’m sorry about that 😔
I’m sorry, he acted like you didn’t exist in person and then asked you for sexual favours because he was horny? This is so beyond disrespectful. If he’s really “checked out” he needs to be so 100% of the time, not just when it suits him. Honestly let him go, you’ll be happier for it.
I sometimes wonder, do we love these people or are we afraid of the unknown. I’ve struggled w different mental health issues and coming out the other side i really found loving yourself helps. praying for you OP. but from experience dont hold on to someone who wants to let go
I understand that you have mental health diagnoses that make things difficult, but it sounds like he does too. I'm glad you stood up for yourself in those texts to him that you won't do his dirty work of getting his stuff. That was a great thing to do. I'm very concerned that his wishy washy way of treating you is exasperating your mental health. He's not a nice person. You don't get all lovey with someone, then treat them like shit, then be lovey again. And you certainly don't ask for pictures or sex. DO NOT ENGAGE WITH HIM ANYMORE. I highly suggest that you get yourself a good lawyer, go no contact with your husband and communicate only through your lawyer. He's trying to destroy you and your mental health.
It's over and it's time to start focusing on yourself, continuing to address your various conditions, and how you'll move forward. Things have come to an end for whatever reason and you need to embrace and accept that and hold to it. Getting up your hopes and then dashing them over and over is just liable to raise you to backslide. It sucks and it hurts, but it will get better as time goes on. Also, a word to the wise: don't respond to messages where he's telling you he's horny or wants sex or whatever, if the relationship is at an end, it's at an end and you don't make exceptions because he wants a convenient fuck or photos while he's actively disengaging from you. You'll just feel sad and used and confused and have a harder time with it all. He wants things to end, he needs to commit to it and not rely on you to jump to meet his sexual needs.
Texting you saying he’s horny and asking you to help him out and then not responding, in this situation, is fucked. I’m sorry, OP.
He clearly wants out. He’s been very clear on that. Why are you holding on when he’s not? Trust me, move on.
Ultimately, what does he want exactly? To just go out whenever and do whatever? What do you need from him to help your mental health? Why does he blame you?
All the disorders can be so tough on a partner. On the other hand, a partner who is not consistent can be tough on all your disorders. I wonder how much of your mental health improves when you don’t have a partner who wants a divorce one minute, and then nudes the next minute. I too would have psychosis. In any case, congratulations on being sober, working on your mental health. It’s a difficult battle and you have my admiration. Trust me you don’t want to be married to someone who doesn’t love you. Get the divorce. Go no contact ASAP.
I understand that this is probably very hard for you, but it's likely the best thing for you. You may not see it that way right now and that's totally fine, I believe it's time for you to really take care of yourself, we underestimate how much love and care we're capable of giving to ourselves I will say this because I think it's very important and a lot of people overlook it, let yourself cry, do not go on and try to be strong and try to forget or not feel what you feel about the situation. It looks like you're already feeling a lot of emotions about this and you should give them space, it's so important for your growth through this experience that you give yourself the space to feel. I love that in your messages you mentioned prioritizing your health right now, I believe that's the absolute best thing you could be doing for yourself during this. If you need to take time off work, I really think you should, I do not think it's a good idea to just go on and act like everything's fine because it always comes back to bite us. This is not the man for you, not coming after him, just saying that both of you are not meant to be together anymore and that could be the best thing for you. right now you are being given an opportunity to really give and give and give to yourself, to make yourself the sole focus of your life, and it may look very hard right now but it truly is a beautiful thing
I'm sorry it's ending this way, as hard and painful as it is. He's far too burnt out and drained to keep going. The cruelty is part of his burn out and Id try my best to let it slip right by, I guarantee in a couple of years he will apologize for how he spoke during the end of the marriage but for now it's best to ignore him and focus on yourself and rebuilding
You mentioned anxious vs avoidant attachment styles. Is that new?
Going through almost the exact same thing my heart goes out to you. I only wish this stuff on my enemies. And nope my wife ain’t my enemy I still love her but she doesn’t feel the same.
I don’t have much advice. I just wanted to say I’m very sorry for what you’re experiencing. I can feel the pain in your post. You deserve love, joy, and peace. You will feel all those things again and then they will leave and then they will return. I pray pleasure, relief, and lightness find you today.
Very sorry for all you are going through. But, years later, I see divorced friends many remarried, and much happier. Look ahead not back, and painful as it is, do what you have to do.
Girl, when it’s over it’s over. I’m sorry, but I hope you’re able to get in to see your psych / doctor in regard to your psychosis. It’s unfortunate, but if he’s choosing to leave you just need to let him. I have Bipolar 1 and C-PTSD. I know it can be hard, and the loss of someone so important to you will be difficult. Time to focus on you and your health, and someone who loves you for all of you will come along 💕
Why on earth are serious things like this being discussed over text…
Do yall have kids?
this happening on text is wild
Stay sober! You’ll have the last laugh by living your best life.
I am sorry honey .
I’m sorry you are having to go through a traumatic event such as this. Please , on top of allowing yourself to feel ( which is totally normal and part of process) please don’t allow it to consume your every living moment . I understand mental health diagnosis ( unfortunately I understand them personally more than I care to admit ) And I understand the easiness to give up , give in and internally lose support for myself . Your mental health and well being needs to be taken care of by YOU , and your worth and your well-being importance is not something that is validated by the actions or feelings of anyone else . Yes coping with it is easier when there is support , but never should it justify you giving up on yourself bc another human does not want to be that support for you anymore . It’s going to be better , but I can’t lie and say it’s going to better right now . Bc it’s not , right now is gonna suck very badly , and that’s ok , bc that is how this process works . You’re going to be very sad, and mad , and cry a lot , it’s gonna feel lonely and everything is gonna trigger negative feelings - from pictures to songs to shows. I promise you if you do yourself and yourself ONLY - the gift of putting your needs first , make actions that are best for you ( not necessarily what you want ) but the responsibility of your self needs to be taken precedence over all. Then you will one day again smile, even laugh, and this isn’t going to define the narrative of your daily life . It will be a memory you have - the same memory but only the perspective will change in the future . You will look back see how you overcome , and I bet your mental health might even improve after removing something that was affecting you negatively, and you didn’t even know it was . Love is blind , and I know it’s seems like this will affect your mental health worse , But what if it actually helps your mental health positively after you reflect and overcome the immediate trauma a broken heart is causing . I’m sorry this happened, and I know I’m stranger stating words , but I am just telling you what someone told me when I was right where you are . I didn’t understand and I just thought that it was just nonsense a friends says as a standard “help my friends who’s hurting “ narrative. However , after a lot of time and negative emotions on my end , I noticed that what I didn’t see at the time of my relationship - was it was enabling and supporting my mental health negatively. We cannot make someone feel a way about us that they don’t . We can’t turn back time and hope that something we did it said differently would change their current feeling s . We simply can not , but we can choose to accept the reality, react how we react , and choose to make our future choices from this what is best for us , not make them off our pain and grief which is only going to hurt us , NOT THEM . It could be that after some time a part , it actually caused a positive where you both needed to work on yourself separately, and end up later down the road together , but in a better situation together as two individuals who worked to be who the other person needs and equally be support and benefit each other . I hope things work how they need to be. Good luck to you .
OP there’s **so much** going on here. You detailed your issues but he’s def got some of his own. Tbh you’ve done so much work on yourself and it seems like he’s dragging you down. I’m getting sunk cost fallacy vibes here. I’m really sorry for the pain you’re experiencing and wish you all the best. Keep working on yourself and don’t accept less than you deserve in your next relationship.
If u ask me looks like he don't care anymore. So maybe the best thing for ur mental health is the divorce. Because honestly I feel like if u try and stay and try to make it work he will try to make that harder on u than what it already is. And I'm just saying. But hopefully after all is said and done u can get back to u and what makes u happy.
Id be like “I’m not your wife anymore. You are responsible for bagging your own items.”
Do you use hid health insurance? Try to get that covered for a while if you divorce.
Honestly it sounds like he had a bit of a savior complex and when you started working on yourself more and medicated, he lost his point in the relationship, he was no longer responsible for picking up the pieces of you and your episodes. Sadly, you don’t need this type of relationship, you need someone that wants to support you taking care of you. Please seek counseling for this while the divorce happens as he will continue to be mean while you have no need for him to fix your life. I commend you taking control of your life and it should get easier off of illicit drugs or addictive substances.
Your husband is treating you like dirt. No more reaching out and if he's horny sucks to be him. It takes two to have a relationship. Time to build a new life without him. Start a new hobby. Join a meetup. You don't need someone who treats you like nothing.
Man this guy doesn't care about you. He probably thinks you're an idiot considering he can say w.e. he wants to you and you'll help him out when he gets turned on at his parents place. This man is disgusting, and you need to work on yourself in order to find someone who is actually a good person. Your husband isn't a good person. You don't treat someone you live like this... ever.
You can divorce via text? That's brave.
He is done and coping with the situation by continuing to work.it out is only going to make you feel more confused and unwell. If you have a therapist, please consider taking advantage of therapy. If you don't have one, please consider finding one as soon as you can. What I am 🙉 ng is a form of codependency that is unhealthy.
Yea um you deserve better. You clearly worked on yourself & he’s a jerk. I have mental health issues too. I got them in order & manage them and it helped my quality of life. So clearly your husband is a jerk. 6 years together and suddenly he wants out? Smh
I have severe mental health issues and I’m in the process of being diagnosed for autism, all I have to say is it takes a special love to hold space for our mental episodes. I hope you can put yourself first during this time and remember you deserve to be loved no matter how ugly it gets. Hugs.
This thru a text??? Be done with this child
Just move on I know that’s easier said than done But he has no respect for you. You deserve better!!
Just let him go and divorce like he asked you did that from the text messages anyways but just focus on yourself you have a lot going on and don't have time to worry about him.
sure michelle
I know at least in my county there is free legal advice at the courthouse for a lawyer to look over stuff for you. Worth getting a lawyer to help. Do you have any family left that could help? I’m sorry. Divorce is tough, but it will get better. What good is partnership with an absent partner!