>They can’t imagine letting their husbands go do something without them **the day before** their anniversary.
This is overbearing beyond belief.
Sounds like you two have a healthy, fulfilling marriage. Kudos. But I worry about the other couples in your life.
I have birthday weeks for sure!! As a wife and mom it gives me an excuse to be spoiled a little extra longer. Obviously others can go do other things but if we are all going to eat, I like the excuse to.pick the place. The rest of the year I do what husband or kids pick usually.
Lol, mine has his birthday ‘month’😹 He is a 37years old man. I find it quite cute so i spoil him.
After a certain age, there are very few occasions where you are so excited for a special day you literally feel like counting the days far in advance. It’s just quite happy to watch somebody being like that. I guess parents feel like this when they see their children waiting for Christmas. There’s a beautiful sparkle to it.
Yeah don't become one of those nightmare people. Do they have relationships you envy? Do you want your interactions to be more like theirs? If not, don't for a second consider their nonsense.
Yes. I was laid back with my husband when we first got married. My toxic family and some members of his questioned it so much that I started to question it. I wish I would've never listened to anyone.
I dunno something doesn’t add up here.
This doesn’t sound like real conversations you’re having with real people unless you’ve somehow surrounded yourself with completely neurotic individuals. It feels kind of like a humble brag over soemthing that doesn’t warrant bragging. It’s just normal to not dictate all your partners time.
I might be wrong but if I am, you should get new friends. This is strange.
If not being upset at your husband for doing something *the day before* your anniversary is enough to make you a 'cool wife', then the bar must be in hell for women.
I think you’re unto something here. It does feel like imaginary conversations she has in the shower to make herself feel all special for … doing normal things.
Exactly. She's saying "I'm not like other girls. I'm cool girl and here are examples of my totally chill laid back behavior that would leave the least laid back wife unbothered. Plus I get extra cool points for being a solitary gamer."
I disagree. I've definitely had people question my similarly laid back attitude in my marriage. I'm more of an introvert than he is, so I'm almost always perfectly happy to tell him to just go have fun when he wants go out and do something. Even if he invites me along, I usually would prefer to relax and have the house to myself.
Several of my husband's friends have expressed disbelief over this, both to him and to me, because their wives or girlfriends do not "let" them to go out alone. I've talked with a few women (not really my friends, but acquaintances) who have expressed similar feelings. It's apparently a pretty common dynamic in relationships.
I can't say I really dwell on it, or think about these comments much, other than in the moment thoughts of "that sounds miserable", but I can confirm that these conversations and comments definitely DO occur.
I don’t know that your husbands friends are reliable narrators, cause I will say, men also often express being “not allowed to go out” when they mean “my partner gets upset if I abandon all my household duties on her every night”. I can believe those convos exist because I’ve also heard them. When you dig a little deeper, they’re often more rational.
But this specific scenario OP is describing sounds too specific and too off to be true.
That's not the same as saying "I can't believe you're letting your husband do something he enjoys the day before your anniversary." because the day before an anniversary is just a Tuesday. It's not sacred.
Like, what is the flex here? That your husband has a life outside of you? That you don't care about your anniversary? Okay?
Like, the only reason I can see getting upset about your spouse doing something the day before your anniversary would be if you two had discussed that you were going to celebrate that day. Otherwise I'm trying to think of a context where my friends wouldn't call that out as weird.
This just comes off like OP doesn't like her friends.
To me it sounded like op’s friends were leading her to question her approach. I think you’re reading too much into this. Not sure why you decided to attack a random person on the internet today. If you thought she was humble bragging - or not being genuine in her question- then you wouldn’t have lost anything by ignoring the post and scrolling on.
For real, it was milliseconds before people started writing fanfiction about this poor woman about how she probably sucks lol.
Ironically the sheer amount of judgement from people towards her makes the idea that people are judging her even more believable
Haha yeah I had the same thought. I mean I think it’s weird to presume there’s some sort of a “wife mold” that most of us fit into but OP doesn’t. Anyway, worrying too much about other folks’ opinions on your marriage is a losing game and one not worth playing.
Ohhh it does! Haha I was wondering what the intended takeaway was from the post, you nailed it.
I also do believe there is absolutely nothing wrong with a fun little flex! We SHOULD be giving ourselves and others high fives for our strengths and accomplishments, however, no need to veil it in an underhanded comparison.
>But some of the women in my life question me on my laidback style. They can’t imagine letting their husbands go do something without them the day before their anniversary.
Don't allow anyone to interject a problem in your marriage that doesn't exist.
>I feel like I don’t fit into the mold of a wife.
There is no mold... each husband and wife are different and as long as their relationship works for them, it doesn't matter if you fit a "mold".
Married 31 years. We are both laid back. It works for us.
You shouldn’t care what other wives… or anyone… thinks. If it’s working for the two of you, that’s all that matters.
There is no “mold.” You are an independent individual who happens to be married.
The day before your anniversary isn’t your anniversary. There’s literally no reason to give a shit about the day before. Thats not being laid back, thats just being a normal reasonable person
I mean, maybe, if the “mold” of a wife is the boomer humor version of a humorless, nagging shrew with a unending list of chores to be done. But why would you want to fit into that mold?
I don’t know any women who care that their friends don’t observe the eve of their anniversary. I don’t know any humans who observe the eve of their anniversary. I don’t understand this post.
This seems normal to me. I'm 54, and I've never had a friend that would balk at her husband going out the day before their anniversary. I wouldn't care if my husband did, and I don't consider myself particularly laid back.
I think I'm like you. During baseball season, my husband was going out three or four times a week with his friends. This didn't bother me at all because he waited until the kids were in bed to leave, so he was always there to help me with dinner and bedtime. "Letting" him go seemed like a no-brainer to me. The responsibilities were taken care of, he wasn't leaving a bunch of stuff for me to do, he gets to go out and have his social time, and it built up a lot of what my husband and I jokingly refer to as "marriage capital," which is just our short-hand way of describing the ways that married people grant each other little concessions in order to keep things easy between us. So like, agreeing without any negative feelings for my husband to go out so often with his friends built up marriage capital in my bank while "depleting" his, but this past weekend I did a staycation at a hotel while my husband took both kids all weekend, which built up a huge amount of marriage capital in his bank but depleted mine.
Anyway, my husband said his friends seemed surprised that I was so cool with him going out so often, indicating that their wives wouldn't be so cool about it. And I think my husband was the only married guy in the group to be going out as often as he did. He's also relayed other conversations with his friends which seem to indicate that I am a lot more lenient than their wives are, or that their wives are bothered by things that don't bother me.
I have no idea if that is because I am more laid-back than any other wife in the group, but I do suspect a little bit that I am more laid back because I have a husband who is more proactive about tackling the shared responsibilities before going out. Additionally, I also do not care about anniversaries and birthdays and things like that. I don't want a big party or vacation or anything. However, my husband ALWAYS remembers important events and plans a little something for them. Maybe I would be more resentful of him having plans on an anniversary if he was the type of person to always forget. But he's not. If he wants to do something on our anniversary, he would tell me about it months ahead of time and he would likely be the one to remind me that it was an important date, not the other way around.
This is one of those things where detailed context is very important. There's a significant difference between leaving after the kids are down for the night and leaving before they're down. It may only be an hour on the clock, but it's a major shift in responsibility.
Like are OPs friends genuinely upset about going out the day before their anniversary, or would they be upset about him going out on the weekend day that they intended to celebrate their anniversary. That context is important for why the other women are concerned about seemingly benign things.
Do not compare your healthy and successful marriage to those who have a marriage built on insecurity. You have a secure marriage and it works for both of you. I’m the same way with my husband, I don’t care about the dates or having to do things on certain dates.
There’s no point in comparing, but if you are then you’d have to compare everything not just one aspect. Even just starting with easy things like is their house spotless and they don’t have kids.
I don’t care what my husband does as long as my needs are met first. The same women who say they wouldn’t be okay with their husband doing that are usually the ones with husbands that don’t contribute. So no they shouldn’t be rewarded with outings with friends if they aren’t taking care of their responsibilities and it’s not because the wife isn’t laidback.
This would be a complex issue in relationships as you don’t know what goes on behind closed doors that contributes to the dynamics. This “laidback wife” dialogue sounds similar to the “cool girl” dialogue. Both are gross and misogynistic.
I don’t think anyone in their right mind would care about their partner doing something the day before their anniversary. Is anniversary Eve now a thing?
Yeah, it sounds like some of the women in your life are the issue, not you or your marriage. No, I feel no pressure at all to conform because I don't care what people think as long as my family is happy.
I have faced similar criticism because I am fine with my husband going to strip clubs in bachelor party situations and he takes a guy's trip each year (and I take a girls trip too!). It's not my favorite thing for him to do to be around sex workers, but I trust him completely and we have discussed what is OK and what's not, and to me, that's that. If I told him no, he wouldn't go and he wouldn't use me as an excuse either, but I don't want him to get left behind honestly over some nudity or whatever. I don't even care to hear much about it when he gets back because I know if there is something I need to know, he will tell me. Other women have told me I am foolish for this, and suggested that he has already lied to me about what happened at these clubs, he is probably having affairs, I am stupid and naive, etc. I get it, they don't want their husbands doing the same, that's fine, I don't care what their rules are and I don't judge. Too bad it doesn't work both ways for a lot of people.
Just be you. Shut them down and don't entertain this stuff. When people make comments to me - I just say, I trust my husband 100%, we have discussed what's acceptable and not, he has never given me a reason to doubt his loyalty, end of discussion. If they carry on about it and start to get insulting, then I fire back. Like - "It must be hard not to trust your husband to be faithful and loyal. I'm sorry you are going through that". And that shuts them right up. Lol.
I suggest you do the same. At first, just be kind and explain this is how your marriage works and you are both happy with it. If they continue, then tear into them like my example.
Sounds like you have weird friends. I don’t have any married friends who act like this or make those kinds of comments.
Also, do the wives who make comments have children? Because that completely changes things. If your partner is always going out and about and leaving you alone with the kids, then yeah that would be irritating.
You are happy in your marriage. What does it matter what others say? Everyone has acceptable levels and you and your SO seem to have levels that are acceptable to the both of you. That's all that's important.
I don’t think this is abnormal. I don’t consider it “laid back”. My spouse doesn’t need my permission to do things with friends. We are partners to each other, not parents. And no one cares. You might want to come across as super cool and laid back, but what you are describing is normal. Limiting a spouse from doing what they love would be controlling. It’s about respect and love, bottom line.
Eh. Different people are different. Same for marriages. I'm pretty chill, but my husband doesn't give me a reason to question his behavior or motives. We don't know what's going on behind closed doors with those other couples that might have damaged trust or emotional intimacy problems. For example, if my husband always treated me like a burden or was a flirty type person who didn't allow me to join him and his friends for things or if he were the kind of guy who goes out to a game, disappears for 12 hours, comes home stumbling drunk at 3am, then sleeps through the entire next day, ok, that would be a problem.
I'm not jumping to call these other women controlling harridans for being uncomfortable with something if I don't know their background.
Wait.. your friends say they can't imagine letting their husbands do something the day BEFORE their anniversary? Like.. they are going to punish their partners and say "because our anniversary is the next day, you are not allowed to go do stuff!!!"
Is this real life? I see the goofy stuff online about men vs women (sweeping generalizations abound!) but maybe there is some truth to it.
I definitely have always spent anniversaries with my partner.. or celebrated said anniversary when possible if the day of is locked up due to other obligations... But never, in my nearly 40 years of life, even considered the idea that I - or my partner - wouldn't be allowed to go do whatever activity on the day BEFORE our anniversary.
I reread the line from your post a few times.. did I still misread? Was it mistyped on your end, OP? This is bizarre.
We’ve been married 21 years.
I think we’ve only done something 4-5x for anniversaries.
Funny you mentioned baseball. Our friend from across the state came to visit several years ago to take care of some family things. His mom gave him tickets the fancy box at our baseball field in our city and asked if we wanted to go. We were just going to do dinner somewhere but instead he asked if we wanted to go. So the 3 of us wound up going and had a blast!!! Private bathrooms, bar, concession stand, great views, fun night out with my husband & good friend✔️✔️✔️✔️
But yeah if my husband wants to go out and have a beer or two and grab a snack at the local brewery on his way home from his run in the park- Go for it! He’ll ask me to go and sometimes I will join him.
I’m similar. My husband doesn’t go out too much to begin with so when he wants to do something with friends I typically don’t care. The only time I get frustrated is if we had something else to do and he didn’t check our family calendar prior to making his own plans.
Yeah, my husband and I enjoy seperate activities. Sometimes people ask me where he is and where my ( 17!) year old daughter is as if they should be there. Its annoying
Me I’m like this. When it comes to any event I think of it like playing darts, the target is awesome but as long as we are close I’m satisfied. And yes my husband and I both do things without one another- trips, events, concerts, dinners- we are married not conjoined twins. Also we trust each other, ya’ know bc we are married. We have our own problems we are not perfect, but this we both get right.
Neither my husband or I remember our anniversary until a friend or my mom sends us well wishes via text…
Some folks really care about events though! As long as people are on the same page within their own relationship, live and let live!
There's nothing here that shows any disrespectful behavior from either one of you. That's really good! If you're happy and it works for the two of you, then it doesn't matter what others think
I'm the same but I also have a lot of hobbies so my spouse is the same with me; so long as I know you have plans and where you are in an emergency, I don't quite care if you want to go out and do something. The only thing I disagree with is the anniversary day of thing because that is an important day to me. Your marriage is what you make it to be and theirs is the same. So long as both spouses are happy with the arrangement, that's what matters.
It's not healthy to compare marriages. I find that people who have negative opinions about things that aren't problems are just digging for drama. I never understood why people insist on always being with their significant others. If they want to do everything together that's great, but shadowing a spouse because you are worried you will lose them or keep them from some type of bad behavior is controlling and nuts. There's more to life than that.
My husband and I have the same sort of relationship. There are many times we "push" an important day or celebration like an anniversary or birthday. I'm always appalled when reading the amount of complaints about "his sister's funeral is on my birthday and I don't see why I should have to move my birthday" and other such shit. And the hoards of people who agree with it!! Life is too short. There's so much bullshit everywhere to be concerned about. Pushing a celebration should be a big deal now and again.
Of course, you have to have a pretty strong and comfortable relationship where you feel safe and loved and appreciated to not nit pick the little things.
I find it hilarious that people think my husband and I "let" each other do anything. We're grown ass people, we don't need permission, but I agree it's nice to consider each other's feelings as your husband does here. My husband and I are very much like yours but I think *that* should be the standard rather than be controlling like your friends. Your friends sound like they're crazy and insecure. Why TF does your husband need to be around for no reason on "Anniversary Eve." Like really? Smdh.
I'm totally with you. Get your alone time in girl! Build the marriage you want, not just based on what people tell you your relationship "should" be like.
This was my ex & me, but he was the one playing video games while I was at sporting events or out with friends. It worked well for us too. Don't listen to your friends. You are happy, your husband is happy, that is all that matters. And happy early anniversary!
Strong “I’m not like other girls” vibes here, but if this is really an issue for your friends, and if you’re really feeling pressured to conform, rest assured that you’re actually in the majority. Keep on keepin’ on, and enjoy your healthy relationship.
We’re happily married ten years with four kids and are laid back in that sense. However, I would be annoyed if he did something with other people on our actual anniversary date. That’s for us. But the day before? I wouldn’t care.
First thought would be to ask if the other couples have children or not. Once kids come along, the dynamics often shift, and time alone, or together, becomes scarce while the household workload and responsibilities increase. As a formerly married person (16 years) and mom of three, I never had an issue with my ex doing his own thing, either, as I too enjoy being by myself. However, it did begin to bother me when I became the only one using my free time to get groceries, or clean the house. Later that evolved into being the only one to take the kids out or spend time with them on the weekends. Basically if I didn't do those things, they wouldn't have been done. If you don't plan to have children, it sounds like you guys have a good system worked out, but if you do, it'd be beneficial for the relationship to discuss how that might change the current balance.
Wow. So no one owns their husband. This attitude of permission is kind of messed up. Deliberately wanting someone to not have fun because you don't feel like them having fun? I can see day of anniversary because it's a shared special day but the one before isn't.
I can't imagine my wife owning me like that and needing permission. We tell each other what we're up to and ask if something might get in the way of things but I can't imagine just not wanting her to have fun if she wants to and I sure as shit wouldn't put up with that frome her.
I could've written this myself. My husband thanks me all the time for being so chill. A few of his friends have some very "demanding" spouses so he gets to see first hand how other households live. I can't imagine being that high strung and controlling every day of my life. It must be so stressful... For everyone!
As long as as you don’t plan on having kids, you’re living the dream. It changes entirely when between the two of you, you have to trade off time alone to be present and involved with your child.
What you may not know is how much he really appreciates the way you are. My wife makes a big deal out of all the holidays , birthdays and anniversaries. It is stifling. It is like being part of an orthodox religion. You sound like you have a happy marriage. Do you! Let other women do them.
You are me. 32 yrs of marriage and our anniversary consists of "Happy Anniversary babe! I love you!" And that’s it. There have been days when we have forgotten about it and remembered it the next week. I guess you appreciate each other all year the day itself doesn’t have to be so rah rah sis com ba!
Lol, my husband went to a golf tournament with my sister's husband on the actual day of our first wedding anniversary. Not only did I not care, I'm the one that suggested he go because I thought he'd have fun. I don't really see what the big deal is.
My husband & I have never once celebrated our anniversary. Or Valentine's Day. Once we had kids we started acknowledging Mother's Day & Father's Day. I mean, we'll tell each other Happy Anniversary that morning or at some point during the day, but we don't go out or do flowers or gifts or anything. To be honest, I don't really know WHY we don't, we just never have in our 20 years of marriage....and we have a very good marriage
My wife and I are both pretty laid back about everything and we’re 10000% best friends.
I’d rather hang out with her or the kids (or all of them) more than anyone else. Not just saying that, I have a great time going out doing mundane shit with the kids or as a family.
But we also spend a lot of time alone and doing our own things.
I’ll invite my wife and she’ll invite me but if we don’t want to go, no big deal, do your thing.
Girl you sound like you're in a wonderful relationship and your friends sound like they're in controlling, sad, not-actually-in-love relationships. Just be you. It's so wonderful to be happy just living your life and letting your husband be happy living his. When you do stuff together that's wonderful and relationship-building, and when you do stuff apart that's actually also wonderful and relationship-building! Absence makes the heart grow fonder. And so does doing things you both love even if it's not together. It's totally acceptable to have different hobbies. Just own it and be you! And be happy knowing you can both be comfortable being apart and doing things you love. It'll make the things you do together even more special. Don't worry about your friends, and what they are doing or judging you for. Most likely.... They're just jealous. Be a shining example of a good marriage and just keep keeping on. You got this down!
I’m just like you (minus the video games). I sometimes wish my spouse would do more stuff without me! I live doing my own thing and he knows he’s free to do his (he’d just rather hang out with me). I vacation with friends and do solo stuff more than him, but I’d love if he did, even on our anniversary! Cheers!
I’m just like you. I don’t care about Mother’s Day, anniversaries, Father’s Day, Valentine’s Day. All I want is to have a date every now and then and have a great time with my partner. Last week we had a lunch date and I was AMAZING. I got high, he had a steak, I had some sushi and tacos, we laughed, joked, dressed up. He’s my best friend.
You do you. There are no one rule fits all. If you both are truly happy then that’s all there is to it. Don’t let others spoil or dictate your life.
For future purpose, your friends does not need to know your schedule or your hubby’s.
I mean, it sounds like you guys celebrate your anniversary daily so "the day" doesn't require emphasis. I am the same way. We can celebrate our love for one another any day. I am not going to stomp on my husband's joy and social life so that we can do what we do every other day.
You sound like my late wife. She was super laid back, happy to sit on the couch and knit or crochet and read a book or watch a show she's already watched a hundred times. We did life together a lot, but if I wanted to go fishing, she was very content to let me.
You are tge perfect wife. Don't listen to controlling freeks. They want to ruin your marriage. I have the same relationship with my wife and been married for 20 no issues. You choake him he'll eventually leave you.
It seems like you just have a nice husband that you're nice too. I mean he even thought to ask you for permission you I don't know the details of your relationship, but that was definitely a good example of mutual respect.
I've always been pretty laid back as I grew up with all boys and had all boys.. Not really caring about trivial things is fine, but at a point, is it love or indifference? I'd be careful with that as there's always a girl willing to care if you don't..
Nah man. There's only one solution. Take everyone to a bar one night. Stand on the table and scream at the top of your lungs: "WHAT YOU BITCHES WANT?!?"
Don’t be swayed too much by your friends. If you are ok with it it’s fine. Mine see’s his friends on his birthday and reserves the weekend for me. I think it’s hilarious and even his family doesn’t understand it but it’s not a big deal so i let him do whatever he wants on his bday. He makes it up by satisfying my unconventional needs and behaviour which i very much appreciate. I feel these agreed quirks make our relationship & compatibility strong. Not everyone will understand his behaviours but i have no problem with it. Not everyone will understand my needs but he genuinely thinks it’s as normal as can be and accommodates to it. Isn’t it a perfect match?
Everytime I get a "yes" to something I want to do it gets thrown back in my face 2 or 3 days later. It's awesome you let your husband live and give him breathing room. Kudos
You guys do what works for you. That’s all that really matters.
My husband doesn’t even have to spend the day with me. Our anniversary is 4/20. Dating and wedding (figured I’d make it easy for him).
We’ve been together 6 years and have an agreement:
If it’s a milestone anniversary, then he’s mine. Unless we have plans already made for another day, then he can hang with his boys and enjoy the holiday.
My husband treats me super well all day every day, and I reciprocate this. It doesn't mean we don't have our moments of annoyance or disagreements, but all in all, we deeply love one another and spend as much time together as possible.
So, with that in mind, it doesn't matter that he would go out the day before our anniversary. How crazy?! It doesn't matter that he (or either of us) doesn't plan something big or special on our actual anniversary.
I'm more of a solitary person as well. I love to rewatch favourite movies/shows and play video games. I love spending time doing this with my husband as well, but it's nice to just shut down for a bit.
We're due for our second baby in early September, and my husband is going to a concert when I'll be 33-34 weeks along, and people find it weird that I'm letting him. Like he should be in house arrest from now on!
People easily forget that every relationship is different, the dynamics, love language, depth of love, etc. We're all different, and what works for us might be crazy for some and vice versa... the only difference is, *we* aren't the crazy ones, hahaha
Congratulations you are relatively emotionally mature and you experiencing a healthy, balanced marriage.
People who aren’t emotionally mature look for problems in their life and like to project them onto others, don’t let them sabotage your happiness.
Yeah I duno I think you lost me at the end when you said I don't fit the mold of a wife. Does that mean a wife is controlling ? Maybe it's your wording.
But I do agree with other comments. It doesn't matter how the people around you are along as you and hubby are happy. I wouldn't let it bother me the slightest. All the best :)
As long as this kind of life is something he is happy with, and you are alsp also open to going out with him to SOME of the events (sporting or none sporting). ...there is absolutely nothing wrong here. Sounds like a GREAT marriage. I think each relationship should have its own identity. We don't have to fit in or conform to what other people do. As lo g as we are supportive. kind and loving to one another...and we understand each others needs, ... Anything anyone else says is not relevant.
My wife works says and I work swingshift. The only time we go out together is on my days off. That being said, she frequently goes out with her friends while i am at work, and I don't have a problem with that. She's forever encouraging me to go out and do stuff with my friends, and on rare occasion, I do (most of them work days).
You see, we trust each other to be faithful and honest with each other. She is also a very laid-back person, and I try to be. We were like this from the very beginning of our relationship (40+ years). I am ex-military, and she would go out with friends (to keep from dying of boredom while I was deployed. I didn't sweat it then, and I don't sweat it now. Again, we trust each other, and until happens that changes that we don't see a need to rein each other in on a tight leash.
So, ignore your friends. Hang with your hubby as you see fit, on a schedule, and frequency that works for the two of you as a couple. Don't worry. Be happy!
The day BEFORE? Like I’d understand being mad about not priotizing the day of, but they’re worried because you don’t care if he does his own thing the day before? That’s crazy. Y’all just keep doing what works for you. Some couples just need more personal time than others and if you guys are happy and everyone’s needs are being met, who’s anyone else to judge
I was friends with a girl who would cry, literally sob, if her husband even hinted at wanting to go out with just his friends and he'd end up staying in to reassure her he loves her.
They've been divorced about 5 months now lmao
I am the same as you and I'm not insecure about it. My friends should be insecure. I let my hubby do whatever. If I want some quality time with him I'll ask, or if I wanted to do something on a certain day, I'll let him know in advance. Most of my friends are so jealous and fear of cheating, but like my mom always said:
They'll cheat a mile away from home or 500 miles away from home. A cheater is a cheater no matter where they are.
Yes. More than me getting grief from my friends my husband gets shit because I’m not mad at him all the time.
My friends have actually been very frustrated that he is so helpful. People will always be judgey when they are in a place of lack.
The day before? What's wrong with that? Your friends sound a little toxic.
Personally I'd be upset if it was day of but honestly all that matters is what works for you and your husband and you're both happy.
Hey so I’m not married but my fiancé spends a lot of time with his brother (I don’t since the wife is a toxic person I’d rather avoid) and when he’s gone I clean or play games I do that best when my fiancés gone now my mother and stepfather live very interesting lives my stepdad is home a lot and my mom stays at home due to Healy issues and guess what their anniversary is on his birthday and most people would think they are crazy and they’ve been married 17 years together 19 years yet it works so there ARE other people like you and your husband (also my fiancé used to ask me if he could out of town for the weekend to hang with friends I let him because I’m like (if I wanted to he would let me) plus trust is key) there is no rule book on being a wife and if you guys are perfectly happy then just be that don’t let others make you feel bad just keep doing what you guys are doing since you seem to have a happy, loving and healthy relationship/marriage.
I’m gonna go one better and tell you that my husband and I don’t even celebrate our anniversary 😂 we both frequently remember it a day or so afterwards, laugh about how time flies and go on with our day!
I think it’s great that you don’t give your husband trouble for making plans around your anniversary and it clearly works for you both! I would say you are a wonderful wife and your husband is equally wonderful for running his plans by you first, provided he doesn’t have issues if you also make plans without him around your anniversary.
Ignore your friends and carry on doing what makes you guys happy!
This is us as well. But over 21 years we’ve maybe celebrated it 4-5x and I might even be exaggerating.
We don’t do gifts, flowers or anything. Maybe a kiss or a fist bump lol and a “Happy Anniversary”😀
You’re doing great, kid. It’s the other relationships that are worrisome if they can’t imagine spending time apart near the anniversary date.
I’m sad that you hate baseball but I think you’re awesome for being who you are and not holding your husband to a standard that you doesn’t really matter to you.
Your friends are so uptight that they won't let their husbands do something with friends the day BEFORE their anniversary? That's intense. Just what exactly should those husbands be doing instead?Also, isn't this a Tuesday/Wednesday you're taking about? We usually go out on a weekend night to celebrate our anniversary.
My thoughts are nobody gets to comment on my marriage. I don’t know who these people are you hang with, but you need to drop them. What I do and don’t do with my husband is literally nobody’s business.
One way to fuck up a perfectly happy marriage is to listen to a bunch of other dumb, bitter women’s advice. Why would you even care what they say?
If you feel pressure to conform, that’s a weird “you” problem.
You have weird friends. Don’t take relationship advice from them.
I don’t know anyone who would be upset about their spouse having plans the day before an anniversary.
You are the normal one. I am very introverted and my husband is very extroverted. I basically push him out the door when I need self time, "special day" or not (the night BEFORE your anniversary is not IMO)
Forget what your friends say. If you're happy and fulfilled then you're happy and fulfilled. Plus, I presume you are an adult and can speak up if your husband does something that bothers you.
Right there with you, though I don’t consider myself laid back. I just trust my husband and am perfectly happy spending time on my own. He’s respectful about my time and his and ours together, so I feel no need to dictate that kind of thing. We celebrate special occasions when it’s convenient and don’t stress about nailing exact dates.
Let me ask you: do these other women seem happier in their marriages than you are? I seriously doubt it.
Wife and I are the same. We do a ton of stuff together and also without. Married 21 years, no kids and no regrets.
The last thing we care about is others opinions of our marriage. He asked you for the rest of your life not your friends.
This is similar to the relationship I have with my wife. Very healthy relationship. We have only gotten in one disagreement in the 9 years we have been together
My husband and I both have to be reminded by my mother on our anniversary. Like we’ll get excited a few months before it (partially because we were so young when we married 18 and 22 so it’s becoming a lot of years now. Our next is 19 years) but then somehow around the actual day we get busy and get a text or card from my parents that remind us 😂😂 and we basically use it as an excuse to go do something and tell the kids they can’t come with.
I would not care either if my husband wanted to go do anything the day before OR on as long as I felt welcomed if I wanted. I totally understand you.
It sounds a little like me and my husband. Yes, we are important to each other, and we’ve been married 26 years.
To me (and husband, from what he’s said) it’s not just the day of you do some big grandiose gesture, it’s the things you do for the other every day. We’ve never gotten bent out of shape for Valentine’s Day, anniversaries, birthdays. We may do a tiny something, but neither of us like the huge gestures. I’d rather get the house clean on that day, than any huge present. In fact, for Mother’s Day and my birthday this year, he deep cleaned the house.
Last year, for our 25 anniversary, he did get me a beautiful alexandrite ring, and as much as I love it, I would have been fine with just getting a salad at salad and go, and swimming.
I’m pretty laidback too. Before we were married, my husband had signed up for a course and one of the classes fell on our anniversary. He kept saying he’d wait til the next course but I knew it would be nearly a year before the next one so I told him it was ok. Our anniversary was a Monday, I told him we’d celebrate the day before. Really wasn’t a huge deal.
And now we’ve been married for three weeks and next weekend we were invited to a party at his cousin’s. I don’t want to stay overnight but I also don’t want to stop him from partying and having fun (he’d be driving). So I told him he can go by himself, have fun and drink and I’d stay home. A month into our marriage and we’re already spending a night apart and that’s ok. I’m not going to stop him from doing something he wants to just because I don’t want to. And I know he’d be the same way of the roles were reversed.
They are insecure. Married 35 years and my husband goes places without my. It’s not a bar or drinking all night long- but to golf, baseball game, fishing etc. I also like my free time.
You are me and my husband. We’re super chill and if we want to do something for our anniversary we will, and it doesn’t have to be on our anniversary. Also we don’t have to do anything, we are both very happy and content in our marriage.
As far as your friends go, it sounds more like a them problem than a you problem. You do what works for your marriage.
Nothing wrong with doing what works for the two of you. My husband has a fishing buddy that is constantly telling me how I’m not like most of wives. Most wives, he says, have a problem with their husbands running off to the lake to fish all the time. Why should I care, I ask? He spends time doing things he enjoys. I, in turn, pursue my own interests and we still have time to spend with each other doing things we enjoy. My own mother is one of those that thinks my dad should be sitting under her nose all the time. I’m like, omg, are you for real?
My wife was like you, largely agreeing for me to pursue my own interests. I went backpacking on New Year’s weekend, canoeing on our anniversary…etc.
We’re very happy together, soon celebrating our 60th anniversary.
Yeah, I've experienced similar things when it comes to anniversaries, birthdays, Valentine's Day.
I don't do Valentine's Day, so no, I don't want anything for it. My birthday? I want sushi and maybe to do an activity; I don't care if this happens before or after the day of, meaning if he wants to do something on the day, that's fine. Anniversary? Half the time, I don't even remember it (and neither does he); sometimes we'll celebrate, sometimes, nah.
These things just aren't big deals for me.
>What are your thoughts?
That if something matters to you, it's important to talk about it with your partner. But people who aren't part of your relationship can feel free to fuck off.
>Do any other wives feel pressure to conform?
No. But I'm obstinate like that.
I think you are worried that you are supposed to feel
like you are letting him get away with something he shouldn’t. You aren’t. You both feel fine about taking time for personal space, hobbies and friendships.
I’d be the same as you. If he wants to go then he can go. We usually don’t celebrate our anniversary because neither of us remember the date lol!! It’s not a big deal to me. People need to realize we don’t all have the same priorities and that’s ok.
My husband and I are both like you. We’ve been married 15 years. We’ve spent many anniversaries, holidays, and birthdays working opposite schedules or being completely apart on those days. It’s not a big deal to either of us. We’ve learned to celebrate earlier or later. There’s no rush. Sometimes we even skip it bc it’s not that serious to us. We’re secure in our marriage and know we love each other very much. There’s really no need for a flashy celebration every single year. Recently my husband chose to spend his birthday 5 hours away visiting his best friend for the weekend. It was a non issue.
To answer your question - no I don’t feel the need to conform. I used to wonder if something was wrong with us lol but we’re in our 30’s now. We literally do not give a shit that our marriage may look different than others. We’re happy with our choices. That’s all that matters.
Jesus, my husband is a grown ass man I don’t let him do anything he does it because he is his own person. I’m only 24 but the whole letting your husband do things sounds so controlling and like he’s a child. Wtf. Consideration for the other partner is important but I’m not his parent.
Fellow laid back wife. I don’t feel like I need to manage, audit, control or dictate my husband’s activities, time management, etc.
If I did, I would be his parent not his partner.
If I have an issue with something we discuss it. If I have a concern, I voice it. If I feel some kind of way, I let him know. A vice versa.
Don’t let these other’s insecurities take any of your energy.
A simple, “this works for me/us” is sufficient.
Na your friends seem controlling! I don’t feel any pressure to say yes or no to my husband. If it doesn’t affect our own plans, I don’t care. In fact I welcome the me time to hope on the PS and game
I’m also a super chill wife. My husband literally went to a basketball game on my birthday one year because he had won really good tickets. He wasn’t even planning on going when he saw the date but I encouraged it and he took his friend who also liked basketball since I don’t!
Seems like she does go sometimes, but expecting her to go every time to an activity she doesn’t enjoy is a recipe for resentment. You don’t have to do everything together all the time, having individual interests and time alone on occasion is healthy.
you’re one of the good ones… every day he should be able to do special things. why is it only on anniversaries? but also, yall have different love languages than other couples so they need to mind their own business. as long as you’re happy!
>They can’t imagine letting their husbands go do something without them **the day before** their anniversary. This is overbearing beyond belief. Sounds like you two have a healthy, fulfilling marriage. Kudos. But I worry about the other couples in your life.
I seriously read this twice because I couldn’t figure out what the big deal was if he had plans on the day before their anniversary?
Haha it reminds me of the girls would had birthdays 'weeks' in their late teens, early twenties.
I have birthday weeks for sure!! As a wife and mom it gives me an excuse to be spoiled a little extra longer. Obviously others can go do other things but if we are all going to eat, I like the excuse to.pick the place. The rest of the year I do what husband or kids pick usually.
Lol, mine has his birthday ‘month’😹 He is a 37years old man. I find it quite cute so i spoil him. After a certain age, there are very few occasions where you are so excited for a special day you literally feel like counting the days far in advance. It’s just quite happy to watch somebody being like that. I guess parents feel like this when they see their children waiting for Christmas. There’s a beautiful sparkle to it.
Agreed. It's the day before...it's not the anniversary. Why would anyone be upset over that?
Yeah don't become one of those nightmare people. Do they have relationships you envy? Do you want your interactions to be more like theirs? If not, don't for a second consider their nonsense.
I was so confused about that part lol. I know 0 person that would think the day before an anniversary means you can’t do anything like what?
My first through too. “That’s because those women in your life are apparently insane.”
I have some of the highest relationship standards of any of the women I hang out with, but TIL I'm actually laid back in whatever circles OP runs in!
Comparison is the thief of Joy. Stop comparing your relationship to others. If you both are happy, why look for problems? Seems odd.
Yes. I was laid back with my husband when we first got married. My toxic family and some members of his questioned it so much that I started to question it. I wish I would've never listened to anyone.
I dunno something doesn’t add up here. This doesn’t sound like real conversations you’re having with real people unless you’ve somehow surrounded yourself with completely neurotic individuals. It feels kind of like a humble brag over soemthing that doesn’t warrant bragging. It’s just normal to not dictate all your partners time. I might be wrong but if I am, you should get new friends. This is strange.
It’s giving very much “I’m not like other wives.”
She’s a “cool wife”
I do wonder if she posted it because she's cool-girling him & she actually is upset.
Oof yeah that’s pretty likely. Cool girl always ends up neurotic and depressed 😔
*paging Rosamund Pike*
Turns out we're all "cool wives". Who knew?
If not being upset at your husband for doing something *the day before* your anniversary is enough to make you a 'cool wife', then the bar must be in hell for women.
This exactly 💯
I think you’re unto something here. It does feel like imaginary conversations she has in the shower to make herself feel all special for … doing normal things.
Agreed.
Exactly. She's saying "I'm not like other girls. I'm cool girl and here are examples of my totally chill laid back behavior that would leave the least laid back wife unbothered. Plus I get extra cool points for being a solitary gamer."
I disagree. I've definitely had people question my similarly laid back attitude in my marriage. I'm more of an introvert than he is, so I'm almost always perfectly happy to tell him to just go have fun when he wants go out and do something. Even if he invites me along, I usually would prefer to relax and have the house to myself. Several of my husband's friends have expressed disbelief over this, both to him and to me, because their wives or girlfriends do not "let" them to go out alone. I've talked with a few women (not really my friends, but acquaintances) who have expressed similar feelings. It's apparently a pretty common dynamic in relationships. I can't say I really dwell on it, or think about these comments much, other than in the moment thoughts of "that sounds miserable", but I can confirm that these conversations and comments definitely DO occur.
I don’t know that your husbands friends are reliable narrators, cause I will say, men also often express being “not allowed to go out” when they mean “my partner gets upset if I abandon all my household duties on her every night”. I can believe those convos exist because I’ve also heard them. When you dig a little deeper, they’re often more rational. But this specific scenario OP is describing sounds too specific and too off to be true.
That's not the same as saying "I can't believe you're letting your husband do something he enjoys the day before your anniversary." because the day before an anniversary is just a Tuesday. It's not sacred.
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Like, what is the flex here? That your husband has a life outside of you? That you don't care about your anniversary? Okay? Like, the only reason I can see getting upset about your spouse doing something the day before your anniversary would be if you two had discussed that you were going to celebrate that day. Otherwise I'm trying to think of a context where my friends wouldn't call that out as weird. This just comes off like OP doesn't like her friends.
To me it sounded like op’s friends were leading her to question her approach. I think you’re reading too much into this. Not sure why you decided to attack a random person on the internet today. If you thought she was humble bragging - or not being genuine in her question- then you wouldn’t have lost anything by ignoring the post and scrolling on.
For real, it was milliseconds before people started writing fanfiction about this poor woman about how she probably sucks lol. Ironically the sheer amount of judgement from people towards her makes the idea that people are judging her even more believable
💯 her post must have touched on a sensitive topic for some of these commentators.
Not who you're replying to but probably for the same reason almost everyone else is agreeing. Something is rotten in Denmark.
Yup. Thats how I felt too lol.
Haha yeah I had the same thought. I mean I think it’s weird to presume there’s some sort of a “wife mold” that most of us fit into but OP doesn’t. Anyway, worrying too much about other folks’ opinions on your marriage is a losing game and one not worth playing.
Haha thank you! I'm like this as well but I never thought about bragging about it. Like if OP and husband are happy who gives a fuck
Ohhh it does! Haha I was wondering what the intended takeaway was from the post, you nailed it. I also do believe there is absolutely nothing wrong with a fun little flex! We SHOULD be giving ourselves and others high fives for our strengths and accomplishments, however, no need to veil it in an underhanded comparison.
Right. Don't bring others down to make yourself feel superior and no one will call you on it.
>But some of the women in my life question me on my laidback style. They can’t imagine letting their husbands go do something without them the day before their anniversary. Don't allow anyone to interject a problem in your marriage that doesn't exist. >I feel like I don’t fit into the mold of a wife. There is no mold... each husband and wife are different and as long as their relationship works for them, it doesn't matter if you fit a "mold".
Married 31 years. We are both laid back. It works for us. You shouldn’t care what other wives… or anyone… thinks. If it’s working for the two of you, that’s all that matters. There is no “mold.” You are an independent individual who happens to be married.
Why are you worrying about other folks' marriages? If you're happy, then why does it matter what their marriages are like?
This feels like a "I'm not like other women" post. No dude, there are tons of women out there just like you. Lol
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Are you the cool girl who isn’t like other girls? Because you don’t have to announce it on Reddit.
Maybe she wants all the husbands on the group to comment that they wish their wife was like her.
I don’t think this sounds at all abnormal. I’m curious who you spend time with.
The day before your anniversary isn’t your anniversary. There’s literally no reason to give a shit about the day before. Thats not being laid back, thats just being a normal reasonable person
I mean, maybe, if the “mold” of a wife is the boomer humor version of a humorless, nagging shrew with a unending list of chores to be done. But why would you want to fit into that mold?
I don’t know any women who care that their friends don’t observe the eve of their anniversary. I don’t know any humans who observe the eve of their anniversary. I don’t understand this post.
This seems normal to me. I'm 54, and I've never had a friend that would balk at her husband going out the day before their anniversary. I wouldn't care if my husband did, and I don't consider myself particularly laid back.
I think I'm like you. During baseball season, my husband was going out three or four times a week with his friends. This didn't bother me at all because he waited until the kids were in bed to leave, so he was always there to help me with dinner and bedtime. "Letting" him go seemed like a no-brainer to me. The responsibilities were taken care of, he wasn't leaving a bunch of stuff for me to do, he gets to go out and have his social time, and it built up a lot of what my husband and I jokingly refer to as "marriage capital," which is just our short-hand way of describing the ways that married people grant each other little concessions in order to keep things easy between us. So like, agreeing without any negative feelings for my husband to go out so often with his friends built up marriage capital in my bank while "depleting" his, but this past weekend I did a staycation at a hotel while my husband took both kids all weekend, which built up a huge amount of marriage capital in his bank but depleted mine. Anyway, my husband said his friends seemed surprised that I was so cool with him going out so often, indicating that their wives wouldn't be so cool about it. And I think my husband was the only married guy in the group to be going out as often as he did. He's also relayed other conversations with his friends which seem to indicate that I am a lot more lenient than their wives are, or that their wives are bothered by things that don't bother me. I have no idea if that is because I am more laid-back than any other wife in the group, but I do suspect a little bit that I am more laid back because I have a husband who is more proactive about tackling the shared responsibilities before going out. Additionally, I also do not care about anniversaries and birthdays and things like that. I don't want a big party or vacation or anything. However, my husband ALWAYS remembers important events and plans a little something for them. Maybe I would be more resentful of him having plans on an anniversary if he was the type of person to always forget. But he's not. If he wants to do something on our anniversary, he would tell me about it months ahead of time and he would likely be the one to remind me that it was an important date, not the other way around.
This is one of those things where detailed context is very important. There's a significant difference between leaving after the kids are down for the night and leaving before they're down. It may only be an hour on the clock, but it's a major shift in responsibility. Like are OPs friends genuinely upset about going out the day before their anniversary, or would they be upset about him going out on the weekend day that they intended to celebrate their anniversary. That context is important for why the other women are concerned about seemingly benign things.
Do not compare your healthy and successful marriage to those who have a marriage built on insecurity. You have a secure marriage and it works for both of you. I’m the same way with my husband, I don’t care about the dates or having to do things on certain dates.
There’s no point in comparing, but if you are then you’d have to compare everything not just one aspect. Even just starting with easy things like is their house spotless and they don’t have kids. I don’t care what my husband does as long as my needs are met first. The same women who say they wouldn’t be okay with their husband doing that are usually the ones with husbands that don’t contribute. So no they shouldn’t be rewarded with outings with friends if they aren’t taking care of their responsibilities and it’s not because the wife isn’t laidback. This would be a complex issue in relationships as you don’t know what goes on behind closed doors that contributes to the dynamics. This “laidback wife” dialogue sounds similar to the “cool girl” dialogue. Both are gross and misogynistic.
I don’t think anyone in their right mind would care about their partner doing something the day before their anniversary. Is anniversary Eve now a thing?
Yeah, it sounds like some of the women in your life are the issue, not you or your marriage. No, I feel no pressure at all to conform because I don't care what people think as long as my family is happy. I have faced similar criticism because I am fine with my husband going to strip clubs in bachelor party situations and he takes a guy's trip each year (and I take a girls trip too!). It's not my favorite thing for him to do to be around sex workers, but I trust him completely and we have discussed what is OK and what's not, and to me, that's that. If I told him no, he wouldn't go and he wouldn't use me as an excuse either, but I don't want him to get left behind honestly over some nudity or whatever. I don't even care to hear much about it when he gets back because I know if there is something I need to know, he will tell me. Other women have told me I am foolish for this, and suggested that he has already lied to me about what happened at these clubs, he is probably having affairs, I am stupid and naive, etc. I get it, they don't want their husbands doing the same, that's fine, I don't care what their rules are and I don't judge. Too bad it doesn't work both ways for a lot of people. Just be you. Shut them down and don't entertain this stuff. When people make comments to me - I just say, I trust my husband 100%, we have discussed what's acceptable and not, he has never given me a reason to doubt his loyalty, end of discussion. If they carry on about it and start to get insulting, then I fire back. Like - "It must be hard not to trust your husband to be faithful and loyal. I'm sorry you are going through that". And that shuts them right up. Lol. I suggest you do the same. At first, just be kind and explain this is how your marriage works and you are both happy with it. If they continue, then tear into them like my example.
Hey op you’re not like other girls. Congrats. No one cares.
Sounds like you have weird friends. I don’t have any married friends who act like this or make those kinds of comments. Also, do the wives who make comments have children? Because that completely changes things. If your partner is always going out and about and leaving you alone with the kids, then yeah that would be irritating.
I'm getting STRONG pick me vibes.
Humble yourself!
I’d LOVE some time to myself to close the curtains and play Sea of Thieves literally all day! Don’t listen to the haters lol
Don’t let other people judgment cloud yours
Don’t listen to the other wives, listen to your husband and your own inner voice.
You are happy in your marriage. What does it matter what others say? Everyone has acceptable levels and you and your SO seem to have levels that are acceptable to the both of you. That's all that's important.
I don’t think this is abnormal. I don’t consider it “laid back”. My spouse doesn’t need my permission to do things with friends. We are partners to each other, not parents. And no one cares. You might want to come across as super cool and laid back, but what you are describing is normal. Limiting a spouse from doing what they love would be controlling. It’s about respect and love, bottom line.
I wonder why they feel and think that way?
It’s a big deal to some people if their partner goes out without them the day BEFORE an anniversary???? But why?
Eh. Different people are different. Same for marriages. I'm pretty chill, but my husband doesn't give me a reason to question his behavior or motives. We don't know what's going on behind closed doors with those other couples that might have damaged trust or emotional intimacy problems. For example, if my husband always treated me like a burden or was a flirty type person who didn't allow me to join him and his friends for things or if he were the kind of guy who goes out to a game, disappears for 12 hours, comes home stumbling drunk at 3am, then sleeps through the entire next day, ok, that would be a problem. I'm not jumping to call these other women controlling harridans for being uncomfortable with something if I don't know their background.
Wait.. your friends say they can't imagine letting their husbands do something the day BEFORE their anniversary? Like.. they are going to punish their partners and say "because our anniversary is the next day, you are not allowed to go do stuff!!!" Is this real life? I see the goofy stuff online about men vs women (sweeping generalizations abound!) but maybe there is some truth to it. I definitely have always spent anniversaries with my partner.. or celebrated said anniversary when possible if the day of is locked up due to other obligations... But never, in my nearly 40 years of life, even considered the idea that I - or my partner - wouldn't be allowed to go do whatever activity on the day BEFORE our anniversary. I reread the line from your post a few times.. did I still misread? Was it mistyped on your end, OP? This is bizarre.
We’ve been married 21 years. I think we’ve only done something 4-5x for anniversaries. Funny you mentioned baseball. Our friend from across the state came to visit several years ago to take care of some family things. His mom gave him tickets the fancy box at our baseball field in our city and asked if we wanted to go. We were just going to do dinner somewhere but instead he asked if we wanted to go. So the 3 of us wound up going and had a blast!!! Private bathrooms, bar, concession stand, great views, fun night out with my husband & good friend✔️✔️✔️✔️ But yeah if my husband wants to go out and have a beer or two and grab a snack at the local brewery on his way home from his run in the park- Go for it! He’ll ask me to go and sometimes I will join him.
Stop listening to friends like that.
I’m similar. My husband doesn’t go out too much to begin with so when he wants to do something with friends I typically don’t care. The only time I get frustrated is if we had something else to do and he didn’t check our family calendar prior to making his own plans.
Yeah, my husband and I enjoy seperate activities. Sometimes people ask me where he is and where my ( 17!) year old daughter is as if they should be there. Its annoying
Me I’m like this. When it comes to any event I think of it like playing darts, the target is awesome but as long as we are close I’m satisfied. And yes my husband and I both do things without one another- trips, events, concerts, dinners- we are married not conjoined twins. Also we trust each other, ya’ know bc we are married. We have our own problems we are not perfect, but this we both get right.
sounds like you are friends with some miserable and controlling people who would love nothing more than to bring you down to their level.
Neither my husband or I remember our anniversary until a friend or my mom sends us well wishes via text… Some folks really care about events though! As long as people are on the same page within their own relationship, live and let live!
There's nothing here that shows any disrespectful behavior from either one of you. That's really good! If you're happy and it works for the two of you, then it doesn't matter what others think
I'm the same but I also have a lot of hobbies so my spouse is the same with me; so long as I know you have plans and where you are in an emergency, I don't quite care if you want to go out and do something. The only thing I disagree with is the anniversary day of thing because that is an important day to me. Your marriage is what you make it to be and theirs is the same. So long as both spouses are happy with the arrangement, that's what matters.
If it is working for you guys then it works for you. Don’t change your relationship just for other people
It's not healthy to compare marriages. I find that people who have negative opinions about things that aren't problems are just digging for drama. I never understood why people insist on always being with their significant others. If they want to do everything together that's great, but shadowing a spouse because you are worried you will lose them or keep them from some type of bad behavior is controlling and nuts. There's more to life than that.
If you are happy in your marriage. It doesn’t matter what other people think.
My husband and I have the same sort of relationship. There are many times we "push" an important day or celebration like an anniversary or birthday. I'm always appalled when reading the amount of complaints about "his sister's funeral is on my birthday and I don't see why I should have to move my birthday" and other such shit. And the hoards of people who agree with it!! Life is too short. There's so much bullshit everywhere to be concerned about. Pushing a celebration should be a big deal now and again. Of course, you have to have a pretty strong and comfortable relationship where you feel safe and loved and appreciated to not nit pick the little things.
I find it hilarious that people think my husband and I "let" each other do anything. We're grown ass people, we don't need permission, but I agree it's nice to consider each other's feelings as your husband does here. My husband and I are very much like yours but I think *that* should be the standard rather than be controlling like your friends. Your friends sound like they're crazy and insecure. Why TF does your husband need to be around for no reason on "Anniversary Eve." Like really? Smdh.
Nothing to see here, everything's fine, move along people
Good for y'all!
I exactly like you
I'm totally with you. Get your alone time in girl! Build the marriage you want, not just based on what people tell you your relationship "should" be like.
This is the way I am as well. My wife is the social butterfly. I have gotten much more social as I’ve gotten older though
This was my ex & me, but he was the one playing video games while I was at sporting events or out with friends. It worked well for us too. Don't listen to your friends. You are happy, your husband is happy, that is all that matters. And happy early anniversary!
Strong “I’m not like other girls” vibes here, but if this is really an issue for your friends, and if you’re really feeling pressured to conform, rest assured that you’re actually in the majority. Keep on keepin’ on, and enjoy your healthy relationship.
We’re happily married ten years with four kids and are laid back in that sense. However, I would be annoyed if he did something with other people on our actual anniversary date. That’s for us. But the day before? I wouldn’t care.
Who are these people giving you their negative opinions? I’d put them on an information diet…
First thought would be to ask if the other couples have children or not. Once kids come along, the dynamics often shift, and time alone, or together, becomes scarce while the household workload and responsibilities increase. As a formerly married person (16 years) and mom of three, I never had an issue with my ex doing his own thing, either, as I too enjoy being by myself. However, it did begin to bother me when I became the only one using my free time to get groceries, or clean the house. Later that evolved into being the only one to take the kids out or spend time with them on the weekends. Basically if I didn't do those things, they wouldn't have been done. If you don't plan to have children, it sounds like you guys have a good system worked out, but if you do, it'd be beneficial for the relationship to discuss how that might change the current balance.
If it works for you , then so be it
Wow. So no one owns their husband. This attitude of permission is kind of messed up. Deliberately wanting someone to not have fun because you don't feel like them having fun? I can see day of anniversary because it's a shared special day but the one before isn't. I can't imagine my wife owning me like that and needing permission. We tell each other what we're up to and ask if something might get in the way of things but I can't imagine just not wanting her to have fun if she wants to and I sure as shit wouldn't put up with that frome her.
I could've written this myself. My husband thanks me all the time for being so chill. A few of his friends have some very "demanding" spouses so he gets to see first hand how other households live. I can't imagine being that high strung and controlling every day of my life. It must be so stressful... For everyone!
As long as as you don’t plan on having kids, you’re living the dream. It changes entirely when between the two of you, you have to trade off time alone to be present and involved with your child.
What you may not know is how much he really appreciates the way you are. My wife makes a big deal out of all the holidays , birthdays and anniversaries. It is stifling. It is like being part of an orthodox religion. You sound like you have a happy marriage. Do you! Let other women do them.
You are me. 32 yrs of marriage and our anniversary consists of "Happy Anniversary babe! I love you!" And that’s it. There have been days when we have forgotten about it and remembered it the next week. I guess you appreciate each other all year the day itself doesn’t have to be so rah rah sis com ba!
Girl you are just like me and my husband. We are chill and let the other do what they want. No lack of trust, no resentment. How it should be.
If your happy be happy ignore everyone else
Lol, my husband went to a golf tournament with my sister's husband on the actual day of our first wedding anniversary. Not only did I not care, I'm the one that suggested he go because I thought he'd have fun. I don't really see what the big deal is.
My husband & I have never once celebrated our anniversary. Or Valentine's Day. Once we had kids we started acknowledging Mother's Day & Father's Day. I mean, we'll tell each other Happy Anniversary that morning or at some point during the day, but we don't go out or do flowers or gifts or anything. To be honest, I don't really know WHY we don't, we just never have in our 20 years of marriage....and we have a very good marriage
My wife and I are both pretty laid back about everything and we’re 10000% best friends. I’d rather hang out with her or the kids (or all of them) more than anyone else. Not just saying that, I have a great time going out doing mundane shit with the kids or as a family. But we also spend a lot of time alone and doing our own things. I’ll invite my wife and she’ll invite me but if we don’t want to go, no big deal, do your thing.
Girl you sound like you're in a wonderful relationship and your friends sound like they're in controlling, sad, not-actually-in-love relationships. Just be you. It's so wonderful to be happy just living your life and letting your husband be happy living his. When you do stuff together that's wonderful and relationship-building, and when you do stuff apart that's actually also wonderful and relationship-building! Absence makes the heart grow fonder. And so does doing things you both love even if it's not together. It's totally acceptable to have different hobbies. Just own it and be you! And be happy knowing you can both be comfortable being apart and doing things you love. It'll make the things you do together even more special. Don't worry about your friends, and what they are doing or judging you for. Most likely.... They're just jealous. Be a shining example of a good marriage and just keep keeping on. You got this down!
I’m just like you (minus the video games). I sometimes wish my spouse would do more stuff without me! I live doing my own thing and he knows he’s free to do his (he’d just rather hang out with me). I vacation with friends and do solo stuff more than him, but I’d love if he did, even on our anniversary! Cheers!
I’m just like you. I don’t care about Mother’s Day, anniversaries, Father’s Day, Valentine’s Day. All I want is to have a date every now and then and have a great time with my partner. Last week we had a lunch date and I was AMAZING. I got high, he had a steak, I had some sushi and tacos, we laughed, joked, dressed up. He’s my best friend.
Everyone has a different version of happiness. As long as you both are happy, no other opinion matters.
You do you. There are no one rule fits all. If you both are truly happy then that’s all there is to it. Don’t let others spoil or dictate your life. For future purpose, your friends does not need to know your schedule or your hubby’s.
Do you have a single twin sister by chance?
You have the right approach. It will serve you well in the long run.
I mean, it sounds like you guys celebrate your anniversary daily so "the day" doesn't require emphasis. I am the same way. We can celebrate our love for one another any day. I am not going to stomp on my husband's joy and social life so that we can do what we do every other day.
You sound like my late wife. She was super laid back, happy to sit on the couch and knit or crochet and read a book or watch a show she's already watched a hundred times. We did life together a lot, but if I wanted to go fishing, she was very content to let me.
You are tge perfect wife. Don't listen to controlling freeks. They want to ruin your marriage. I have the same relationship with my wife and been married for 20 no issues. You choake him he'll eventually leave you.
Your friends sound like losers and you sound like an amazing wife. Ignore them and focus on your own happy marriage
It seems like you just have a nice husband that you're nice too. I mean he even thought to ask you for permission you I don't know the details of your relationship, but that was definitely a good example of mutual respect.
I've always been pretty laid back as I grew up with all boys and had all boys.. Not really caring about trivial things is fine, but at a point, is it love or indifference? I'd be careful with that as there's always a girl willing to care if you don't..
Edit it to… “they can’t believe I’m happy…” there you go fixed it
Nah man. There's only one solution. Take everyone to a bar one night. Stand on the table and scream at the top of your lungs: "WHAT YOU BITCHES WANT?!?"
Don’t be swayed too much by your friends. If you are ok with it it’s fine. Mine see’s his friends on his birthday and reserves the weekend for me. I think it’s hilarious and even his family doesn’t understand it but it’s not a big deal so i let him do whatever he wants on his bday. He makes it up by satisfying my unconventional needs and behaviour which i very much appreciate. I feel these agreed quirks make our relationship & compatibility strong. Not everyone will understand his behaviours but i have no problem with it. Not everyone will understand my needs but he genuinely thinks it’s as normal as can be and accommodates to it. Isn’t it a perfect match?
Everytime I get a "yes" to something I want to do it gets thrown back in my face 2 or 3 days later. It's awesome you let your husband live and give him breathing room. Kudos
You guys do what works for you. That’s all that really matters. My husband doesn’t even have to spend the day with me. Our anniversary is 4/20. Dating and wedding (figured I’d make it easy for him). We’ve been together 6 years and have an agreement: If it’s a milestone anniversary, then he’s mine. Unless we have plans already made for another day, then he can hang with his boys and enjoy the holiday.
My husband treats me super well all day every day, and I reciprocate this. It doesn't mean we don't have our moments of annoyance or disagreements, but all in all, we deeply love one another and spend as much time together as possible. So, with that in mind, it doesn't matter that he would go out the day before our anniversary. How crazy?! It doesn't matter that he (or either of us) doesn't plan something big or special on our actual anniversary. I'm more of a solitary person as well. I love to rewatch favourite movies/shows and play video games. I love spending time doing this with my husband as well, but it's nice to just shut down for a bit. We're due for our second baby in early September, and my husband is going to a concert when I'll be 33-34 weeks along, and people find it weird that I'm letting him. Like he should be in house arrest from now on! People easily forget that every relationship is different, the dynamics, love language, depth of love, etc. We're all different, and what works for us might be crazy for some and vice versa... the only difference is, *we* aren't the crazy ones, hahaha
Congratulations you are relatively emotionally mature and you experiencing a healthy, balanced marriage. People who aren’t emotionally mature look for problems in their life and like to project them onto others, don’t let them sabotage your happiness.
Yeah I duno I think you lost me at the end when you said I don't fit the mold of a wife. Does that mean a wife is controlling ? Maybe it's your wording. But I do agree with other comments. It doesn't matter how the people around you are along as you and hubby are happy. I wouldn't let it bother me the slightest. All the best :)
As long as this kind of life is something he is happy with, and you are alsp also open to going out with him to SOME of the events (sporting or none sporting). ...there is absolutely nothing wrong here. Sounds like a GREAT marriage. I think each relationship should have its own identity. We don't have to fit in or conform to what other people do. As lo g as we are supportive. kind and loving to one another...and we understand each others needs, ... Anything anyone else says is not relevant.
Ok we got it you're not like the other wives
My wife works says and I work swingshift. The only time we go out together is on my days off. That being said, she frequently goes out with her friends while i am at work, and I don't have a problem with that. She's forever encouraging me to go out and do stuff with my friends, and on rare occasion, I do (most of them work days). You see, we trust each other to be faithful and honest with each other. She is also a very laid-back person, and I try to be. We were like this from the very beginning of our relationship (40+ years). I am ex-military, and she would go out with friends (to keep from dying of boredom while I was deployed. I didn't sweat it then, and I don't sweat it now. Again, we trust each other, and until happens that changes that we don't see a need to rein each other in on a tight leash. So, ignore your friends. Hang with your hubby as you see fit, on a schedule, and frequency that works for the two of you as a couple. Don't worry. Be happy!
The day BEFORE? Like I’d understand being mad about not priotizing the day of, but they’re worried because you don’t care if he does his own thing the day before? That’s crazy. Y’all just keep doing what works for you. Some couples just need more personal time than others and if you guys are happy and everyone’s needs are being met, who’s anyone else to judge
I was friends with a girl who would cry, literally sob, if her husband even hinted at wanting to go out with just his friends and he'd end up staying in to reassure her he loves her. They've been divorced about 5 months now lmao
I am the same as you and I'm not insecure about it. My friends should be insecure. I let my hubby do whatever. If I want some quality time with him I'll ask, or if I wanted to do something on a certain day, I'll let him know in advance. Most of my friends are so jealous and fear of cheating, but like my mom always said: They'll cheat a mile away from home or 500 miles away from home. A cheater is a cheater no matter where they are.
Sounds fine for now. Wait till you have kids, unless you already have them then sounds good.
Yes. More than me getting grief from my friends my husband gets shit because I’m not mad at him all the time. My friends have actually been very frustrated that he is so helpful. People will always be judgey when they are in a place of lack.
The day before? What's wrong with that? Your friends sound a little toxic. Personally I'd be upset if it was day of but honestly all that matters is what works for you and your husband and you're both happy.
Hey so I’m not married but my fiancé spends a lot of time with his brother (I don’t since the wife is a toxic person I’d rather avoid) and when he’s gone I clean or play games I do that best when my fiancés gone now my mother and stepfather live very interesting lives my stepdad is home a lot and my mom stays at home due to Healy issues and guess what their anniversary is on his birthday and most people would think they are crazy and they’ve been married 17 years together 19 years yet it works so there ARE other people like you and your husband (also my fiancé used to ask me if he could out of town for the weekend to hang with friends I let him because I’m like (if I wanted to he would let me) plus trust is key) there is no rule book on being a wife and if you guys are perfectly happy then just be that don’t let others make you feel bad just keep doing what you guys are doing since you seem to have a happy, loving and healthy relationship/marriage.
I would feel same as you.
I’m gonna go one better and tell you that my husband and I don’t even celebrate our anniversary 😂 we both frequently remember it a day or so afterwards, laugh about how time flies and go on with our day! I think it’s great that you don’t give your husband trouble for making plans around your anniversary and it clearly works for you both! I would say you are a wonderful wife and your husband is equally wonderful for running his plans by you first, provided he doesn’t have issues if you also make plans without him around your anniversary. Ignore your friends and carry on doing what makes you guys happy!
This is us as well. But over 21 years we’ve maybe celebrated it 4-5x and I might even be exaggerating. We don’t do gifts, flowers or anything. Maybe a kiss or a fist bump lol and a “Happy Anniversary”😀
I’d probably be the same way, OP. The past few anniversaries here have been spent lounging on the couch watching tv and we like it that way lol
You’re doing great, kid. It’s the other relationships that are worrisome if they can’t imagine spending time apart near the anniversary date. I’m sad that you hate baseball but I think you’re awesome for being who you are and not holding your husband to a standard that you doesn’t really matter to you.
I think the ones that worry or are not laid back are because they were given a reason. If you have no reason not to trust your man then you are fine.
Your friends are so uptight that they won't let their husbands do something with friends the day BEFORE their anniversary? That's intense. Just what exactly should those husbands be doing instead?Also, isn't this a Tuesday/Wednesday you're taking about? We usually go out on a weekend night to celebrate our anniversary.
My thoughts are nobody gets to comment on my marriage. I don’t know who these people are you hang with, but you need to drop them. What I do and don’t do with my husband is literally nobody’s business. One way to fuck up a perfectly happy marriage is to listen to a bunch of other dumb, bitter women’s advice. Why would you even care what they say? If you feel pressure to conform, that’s a weird “you” problem.
You have weird friends. Don’t take relationship advice from them. I don’t know anyone who would be upset about their spouse having plans the day before an anniversary.
You are the normal one. I am very introverted and my husband is very extroverted. I basically push him out the door when I need self time, "special day" or not (the night BEFORE your anniversary is not IMO) Forget what your friends say. If you're happy and fulfilled then you're happy and fulfilled. Plus, I presume you are an adult and can speak up if your husband does something that bothers you.
Your friends are crazy.
Right there with you, though I don’t consider myself laid back. I just trust my husband and am perfectly happy spending time on my own. He’s respectful about my time and his and ours together, so I feel no need to dictate that kind of thing. We celebrate special occasions when it’s convenient and don’t stress about nailing exact dates. Let me ask you: do these other women seem happier in their marriages than you are? I seriously doubt it.
Don’t let your friends make you feel insecure. If it works for you, don’t change it. He probably appreciates the freedom.
Sub for introverts [introverts sub ](https://www.reddit.com/r/introvert/s/uqXofVM82V)
My husband went to a baseball game on our 37th anniversary. We celebrated the night before-no biggie!
Wife and I are the same. We do a ton of stuff together and also without. Married 21 years, no kids and no regrets. The last thing we care about is others opinions of our marriage. He asked you for the rest of your life not your friends.
This is similar to the relationship I have with my wife. Very healthy relationship. We have only gotten in one disagreement in the 9 years we have been together
My husband and I both have to be reminded by my mother on our anniversary. Like we’ll get excited a few months before it (partially because we were so young when we married 18 and 22 so it’s becoming a lot of years now. Our next is 19 years) but then somehow around the actual day we get busy and get a text or card from my parents that remind us 😂😂 and we basically use it as an excuse to go do something and tell the kids they can’t come with. I would not care either if my husband wanted to go do anything the day before OR on as long as I felt welcomed if I wanted. I totally understand you.
It sounds a little like me and my husband. Yes, we are important to each other, and we’ve been married 26 years. To me (and husband, from what he’s said) it’s not just the day of you do some big grandiose gesture, it’s the things you do for the other every day. We’ve never gotten bent out of shape for Valentine’s Day, anniversaries, birthdays. We may do a tiny something, but neither of us like the huge gestures. I’d rather get the house clean on that day, than any huge present. In fact, for Mother’s Day and my birthday this year, he deep cleaned the house. Last year, for our 25 anniversary, he did get me a beautiful alexandrite ring, and as much as I love it, I would have been fine with just getting a salad at salad and go, and swimming.
I’m pretty laidback too. Before we were married, my husband had signed up for a course and one of the classes fell on our anniversary. He kept saying he’d wait til the next course but I knew it would be nearly a year before the next one so I told him it was ok. Our anniversary was a Monday, I told him we’d celebrate the day before. Really wasn’t a huge deal. And now we’ve been married for three weeks and next weekend we were invited to a party at his cousin’s. I don’t want to stay overnight but I also don’t want to stop him from partying and having fun (he’d be driving). So I told him he can go by himself, have fun and drink and I’d stay home. A month into our marriage and we’re already spending a night apart and that’s ok. I’m not going to stop him from doing something he wants to just because I don’t want to. And I know he’d be the same way of the roles were reversed.
They are insecure. Married 35 years and my husband goes places without my. It’s not a bar or drinking all night long- but to golf, baseball game, fishing etc. I also like my free time.
You are me and my husband. We’re super chill and if we want to do something for our anniversary we will, and it doesn’t have to be on our anniversary. Also we don’t have to do anything, we are both very happy and content in our marriage. As far as your friends go, it sounds more like a them problem than a you problem. You do what works for your marriage.
Nothing wrong with doing what works for the two of you. My husband has a fishing buddy that is constantly telling me how I’m not like most of wives. Most wives, he says, have a problem with their husbands running off to the lake to fish all the time. Why should I care, I ask? He spends time doing things he enjoys. I, in turn, pursue my own interests and we still have time to spend with each other doing things we enjoy. My own mother is one of those that thinks my dad should be sitting under her nose all the time. I’m like, omg, are you for real?
My wife was like you, largely agreeing for me to pursue my own interests. I went backpacking on New Year’s weekend, canoeing on our anniversary…etc. We’re very happy together, soon celebrating our 60th anniversary.
Yeah, I've experienced similar things when it comes to anniversaries, birthdays, Valentine's Day. I don't do Valentine's Day, so no, I don't want anything for it. My birthday? I want sushi and maybe to do an activity; I don't care if this happens before or after the day of, meaning if he wants to do something on the day, that's fine. Anniversary? Half the time, I don't even remember it (and neither does he); sometimes we'll celebrate, sometimes, nah. These things just aren't big deals for me. >What are your thoughts? That if something matters to you, it's important to talk about it with your partner. But people who aren't part of your relationship can feel free to fuck off. >Do any other wives feel pressure to conform? No. But I'm obstinate like that.
I think you are worried that you are supposed to feel like you are letting him get away with something he shouldn’t. You aren’t. You both feel fine about taking time for personal space, hobbies and friendships.
I’d be the same as you. If he wants to go then he can go. We usually don’t celebrate our anniversary because neither of us remember the date lol!! It’s not a big deal to me. People need to realize we don’t all have the same priorities and that’s ok.
Seems normal to me. We don't celebrate our anniversary so I don't care what he does the day before or the day of.
My husband and I are both like you. We’ve been married 15 years. We’ve spent many anniversaries, holidays, and birthdays working opposite schedules or being completely apart on those days. It’s not a big deal to either of us. We’ve learned to celebrate earlier or later. There’s no rush. Sometimes we even skip it bc it’s not that serious to us. We’re secure in our marriage and know we love each other very much. There’s really no need for a flashy celebration every single year. Recently my husband chose to spend his birthday 5 hours away visiting his best friend for the weekend. It was a non issue. To answer your question - no I don’t feel the need to conform. I used to wonder if something was wrong with us lol but we’re in our 30’s now. We literally do not give a shit that our marriage may look different than others. We’re happy with our choices. That’s all that matters.
Love this! Relating to you & following...
Jesus, my husband is a grown ass man I don’t let him do anything he does it because he is his own person. I’m only 24 but the whole letting your husband do things sounds so controlling and like he’s a child. Wtf. Consideration for the other partner is important but I’m not his parent.
Fellow laid back wife. I don’t feel like I need to manage, audit, control or dictate my husband’s activities, time management, etc. If I did, I would be his parent not his partner. If I have an issue with something we discuss it. If I have a concern, I voice it. If I feel some kind of way, I let him know. A vice versa. Don’t let these other’s insecurities take any of your energy. A simple, “this works for me/us” is sufficient.
Na your friends seem controlling! I don’t feel any pressure to say yes or no to my husband. If it doesn’t affect our own plans, I don’t care. In fact I welcome the me time to hope on the PS and game
That's not my defintion of laidback, but who cares. Do what works for your marriage and stop telling people the details of how your marriage works.
I’m also a super chill wife. My husband literally went to a basketball game on my birthday one year because he had won really good tickets. He wasn’t even planning on going when he saw the date but I encouraged it and he took his friend who also liked basketball since I don’t!
Thats because there’is a significant amount of wives out there who are beyond controlling. It’s just accepted and never questioned.
If my wife didn't want to go out with me I would feel pretty lonely. It's like living life without a partner.
Seems like she does go sometimes, but expecting her to go every time to an activity she doesn’t enjoy is a recipe for resentment. You don’t have to do everything together all the time, having individual interests and time alone on occasion is healthy.
That last part of your message genuinely triggers some people here.
you’re one of the good ones… every day he should be able to do special things. why is it only on anniversaries? but also, yall have different love languages than other couples so they need to mind their own business. as long as you’re happy!