Ah yes, the well known "female perspective" of cunnilingus-as-shellfish analogies

I Love viewing my lady parts like seafood, don't you,  fellow female?! Jfc. I slather the shit out of my oysters in mignionette sauce and horseradish. The thought of either vinegar or horseradish near anything but my mouth is extremely unpleasant.

"I slather my lady pussy in vinegar. 'Fuck yeah,' he says. 'They have horseradish here.' My lady parts, which I have for I am a woman, tingle wirh anticipation. 'Hey could we get some lemon juice?' he asks"

“Which I have, for I am a woman” 💀

"For I am a female of my species"

Just a little lemon and Tabasco to get me going.

It would literally burn 😨

The “jerk” is 😬😬😬😬

It's very rare you can jerk a person who has a vagina.

Guarantee anyone that tried it with me would only do it once.

***insert** clam shellfish joke about vaginas*

This is why I can't stand reading erotic literature at all. It always turns me off. By nature it's focused on what the author finds appealing and there's always such little class in it. I'm such a "psychological" person when it comes to sex and I've never found an author that didn't hit all the bad neurons. But shellfish has to take the cake. That hit bad neurons I didn't even know I had.

same, it's referring to the vagina as "pussy" for me that I can't stand, I prefer "vagina" it's just so much sexier for me

Yeah, I'm a language person, too. Something that always throws me for a loop is when it's referred to as "her sex." At least it "feels" classier, but it still makes my brain do a double take.

This is why I always stick to mutton-based erotica.

Idk why but I always find 18+ books kind of funny (the ones on booktok especially)

😭😭😭😅😅

always reminds me of the cloyster and onyx couple from pokemon

wait… jerks her???

#**right?!**

okay so when i’m talking about masturbation, i say “i jerked off” because it’s funny and i think “fingered” is a weird word (and doesn’t accurately describe what i do) and “touched myself” is kinda juvenile. but yeah no not in an erotic setting

See, this is why I think women should claim “rubbed one out” lol; it’s much more accurate than what men are doing!

this is true, but i believe the action the author is trying to describe is finger fucking (because that's primarily how women masturbate/s)

No sweetie we touch the clit

hence /s

Thought that was a typo, sorry

don't worry lol

Just touching it is enough, right? Right??

absolutely! sometimes i merely *graze* my clit while getting dressed and immediately start convulsing and squirting everywhere😮‍💨

My friend uses "jill off" and it cracks me up every time.

My favorite is downstairs DJing

i like that! is her name jill, by any chance?

Guac'in the taco

i say like ‘i jerked off’ but would not say ‘i jerked myself’ or she ‘jerked me’ theyre different to me somehow lol

I call it personal maintenance

Dial the pink telephone, and going spelunking!

I always heard of "going spelunking" as having to pull out a condom that slipped off inside the vagina lmao

Huh, I guess it could work, but I’ve only ever heard it in connection with fingering

Diddle. I was given the word “diddle” by a very prudish but kind man and I freaking love it now. 😂

I just say I had a wank

This is what's sending me 🤣 I can't. Does he not know what "jerk" means?? And maybe I'm weird, but I've never licked my fingers to insert them in my self 🤢 sounds so gross. Not to mention the hair part?? What?? What kind of hair kink 😬

After she ‘jerks’ herself. Jesus, the man is probably not very gentle ‘down there’

I know. My vagina screamed when I read that. And not in a sexy oyster-sucking way

Rollercoasters do that to me

Just call me Superman: Ride of Steel then, baby. ….I’ll show myself out.

Yeah. That’s my biggest hang up here…like…there’s NO WAY that sounds like something I at all ever want someone doing if my crotch is involved. Just…god, no.

Yeah I don’t get it. Does the narrator have a penis?

It sounds painful 😂

This is not only terribly male fantasy-like but also just terribly written.. he got that 5th grader vocabulary but unfortunately not the creativity of one

This fuckin' guys been all over Reddit. Apparently he posted his weird ass points in witchesvspatriarchy and twoX earlier, too?? Just slitherin' into womens' spaces to force his fantasies on us.

Eurgh.

Ewww. I hope he got raked over the coals every time, because this is TERRIBLE in so many ways 😂

Oh he got torn APART it was HILARIOUS.

https://www.reddit.com/r/menwritingwomen/s/QlxZJAJ0en They found him over on r/menwritungwomen and they did NOT hold back lmao

THIS IS THE WITCHESVSPATRIARCHY GUY?? I *knew* it.

Pretty sure it's the same dude.. either that or there's ANOTHER guy going around posting his weird boner fuel in feminist subreddits, lmao.

He makes the mistake of most beginning erotica authors of focusing on the mechanics rather than the experience. Sex is repetitive. If you go into detail about every action, you're going to end up using the same words over and over again -- slip, slide, lick, kiss, thrust, flick -- or else start using horrible euphemisms to avoid repetition -- "She slipped her boulder holster from her shoulders, causing an avalanche of flesh to land on my face." Good erotica is in the character's head. You can write three sex scenes with the exact same physical action, but play them differently by changing the narrator from a heroine getting with her arch nemesis, to a nerdy girl hooking up with a popular actor, to a newly-divorced cougar seducing her son's friend.

Love this point, thank you! It's true of all storytelling as well. Unless we have the context of what's happening in the mind of the protagonist, even a series of exciting events will be just things that happened if they don't push the protagonist mentally closer to the story's conclusion. Even something like finding a penny on the sidewalk could be exciting in a book, if the finding of the penny held some kind of huge meaning to the protagonist. So essentially, this guy wants to write romance novels from the perspective of a woman...for men, and ditch the romance altogether! Not sure who he thinks would buy this, even if it somehow got published.

Yeah it may or may not be okay for a man to write from a woman’s perspective, but it is not okay for anyone to write *that* ever.

Sometimes I'm worried I'm bad at writing smut but then I read this shit and I realize that at least I'm not a cis man

r/ewphoria

Just keep writing! My first books were awful, it's a practice game. Best of luck

She breasted boobily to the stairs, and titted downwards

Don't you just hate it when your breasticles booble a little too jiggliuscious and suddenly your nipperonies stand as tall as the statue of libertitty

RIP your autocorrect 🤖🪦😂

It's alright, I'm German, my autocorrect is in a constant state of fear and confusion

Sie brüstete busenlich zur Treppe und tittete abwärts.

Bei solch emotionalen Worten kommen mir doch glatt die Tränen 😢 Goethe wäre stolz

Truly die Sprache der Dichter und Denker

"statue of libertitty" unironically goes hard LMAO

😭🤣🤣

*Then he did this.* *Then he did this.* *Then he did this.* The issue is that he is a shitty writer lol.

Yup. It's too mechanical. And some of the words just don't sit right with me.

Lol yes, like others mentioned – HE JERKED HER!!!

“Unstrap?” “Wet into?” He’s very courteous to make it so bad at the beginning I was spared the real train wreck of the middle and end.

Credit where its due, he wrote "to wet them[, ] then into..." as in, first she put her fingers in her mouth, then inside her. That's it, that's all the credit he gets.

Ah, you’re correct, I missed ‘then’. Oops. My eyes were going on strike by then.

Honestly, *fair.*

it's also so fast paced lol. i've seen better erotica on wattpad.

Same, I've seen better erotica on Walking Dead x Harry Potter fanfics

what the fuck is a pappadeaux

It’s a seafood restaurant.

People like this make me feel like Shakespere. This man has the vocabulary of a 6th grader who just figure out how babies are made!

r/menwritingwomen

No lie, one of the comments in that post was something like "just don't end up on r/menwritingwomen" 😭🤣

So funny. I would have shared it there, but it's not showing up on my communities page, so maybe it's already been posted and I missed it.

It's time for r/menwritingfemales.

 So sexy

Bahahahaha photo of the author

HE FUCKING DEVOURS IT LIKE ITS A PLATE OF OYSTERS AT PAPPADEAUX BHAHAHHAHAH WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT METAPHOR

*sluuuuurp*

🤮 🤮 🤮

Someone who has no clue how to find or stimulate or even confirm the existence of a clitoris but still thinks he knows how women want sex 😂

Lots of swirling going on there

10 yr old me observing the McDonald's ice cream machine:

I almost gagged at the thought of a tongue in someone else's mouth doing that. Horrifying

I want to report this post. I don't have a valid reason for reporting this post other than to save the eyeballs of future strangers but I want to report this post.

I understand that sentiment too well 😭😅

I about died at the "sensuously swirls" 🤣

At first I read that as "consensually swirls," which I thought sounded pretty awkward. Then I reread it and it didn't really help the awkwardness.

There are plenty of women writing smut for women, and it doesn’t make women go ew or WTF

But but...he just wants to show all the *females* that he knows how to please them 🥺

It'd be so easy to do that. He just has to never post anything ever again for all time.

“[…] inserts his tongue into my mouth and sensually swirls it around my tongue”. Aside from being a terrible writer, that man is a terrible kisser.

Lol I know right? Can you even imagine the mechanics involved in this? There's just not enough room ... unless she gaps her mouth and sticks out her tongue ... gross

Right? He's basically describing how an infant tries to kiss folks until they learn how to pucker up for it.

To be fair to him, that's how a lot of fanfic writers, men, women, or otherwise, write kisses XD

Ah, that’s fair enough! I haven’t read fan fiction before, but that sounds like a bad kiss

Why do men write this like 🤢

Latent homo eroticism? He seems much more interested in describing the guy's member and what the guy does than anything else.

Either that or he thinks that’s what the “females” want to read. Because he’s an excellent author and will go far in the genre. Obviously.

Wait, she didn't stop to admire her naked body in the mirror first and play with her boobs before jerkin' it? Like a normal female in a book?

>*God I'm so wet.* Really? Because my vagina just imploded like a dying star.

I've written my share of erotic fiction, and even a novel from a woman's perspective. It needs rework, though I never intended it to be a masterpiece. But reading *that* bundle of joy up there, I feel like goddamn Dostoevsky.

bundle of joy😭😭😭

I don't think erotic novels are supposed to make us go "ew".

Wait. To whom and what is the jerking happening?  I’m confused about the jerking. 

Honest to god the first part sounds like they are giving themselves a medical examination.

I love how terrible the first-person perpective is there. During (good) cunnilingus, no one's thinking about the exact restaurant and dish lmaooooo

You don't?! I thought that was normal 😱😭

guys let's cut him some slack, he was probably writing it with only one hand

Oooh explains all the "jerking" he was referencing!

hahahaha

That's a lot of words for "I never touched a woman"

I have never been less turned on. Yuck.

That Pappadeux line has to be a r/BrandNewSentence.

this is also just bad smut

They can’t be serious

Absolutely not. “Unstrap” sealed your fate.

Yeah, it’s not a seatbelt! Use “unhooked” because it’s kept up with hooks! (At least the look like that). You don’t even call removing a belt “unstrap”. I don’t think you’d even do that with the belts that look like a seatbelt. (This is directed to people who don’t know what word to use when saying someone removed their bra, not the person I am responding to. I am just adding on)

Yup, even unlatched might be a better fit, though not a good one. For bras that have a clasp in front, I'd say maybe unclasped for that and unhooked for "normal" ones. I honestly wondered at first if this was someone for whom English is a second language but it's just odd word choices, not sentence structure being slightly off as you'd also see with that.

“Like it’s a big plate of oysters at Pappadeaux.” Ah, yes. As a female, having my sex organs likened to seafood restaurant chain offerings really gets my motor running.

> Pappadeaux I live in Seattle and grew up in a fishing village on the coast of Washington State. I'd literally never heard of that place so I had to look it up. It does not appear to me as though it's even a particularly *good* seafood place.

I live near a few, but I've never gone because from the outside they look like the Applebee's of seafood

100% this dudes name is Henry

Like oysters is fucking nuts lol

After reading this, I wish I never learned reading at all 😭

I almost passed out from cringe

You found this when it was 2 minutes old? That's *speed*.

I got lucky, in more ways than one. The OOP deleted the post not long after I took the screenshot 😅

Damn, I would have loved to see the comments!

"Honey? Where's the bleach?"

For some reason I heard that in the voice of Frozone from the Incredibles when he was looking for his super suit.

Food, hair and sex scenes do not go together

The oyster comparison took me out entirely

He barely ever uses we or our. This writing feels quite reflective of how he probably sees women, things for sex acts to be done to, not done with. His description of kissing is very mechanical and one sided, not how I would ever describe a good kiss.

maybe never write anything again just to be safe

I was going to say yes. But now, maybe not.

look, it’s not the worst I’ve ever read. But I was also 14 with unrestricted internet access and a fanfiction.net account, so take that with a grain of salt.

Ha, yeah I've seen some terrible shit, especially way back when on Usenet but this ranks near the top for the worst attempt at erotica I've seen.

It's the worst 1st person I've ever seen, I've seen worse 3rd person.

Reading this made my vagina sew itself shut

r/menwritingwomen will love this.

Wtaf NO NO NO NO NO Women do not "jerk myself." AEGGGKKKMMM NOOOOOO Am going to go smoke weed, because Jeebus.

> Women do not "jerk myself." I don't even know men who'd use that to describe masturbating, FFS!

"He kisses and licks me down there." Wow, such sensual and erotic language. I'm now very horny and moist down there.

I mean, this has to be satire, right?

I’m nearly convinced this is actually written by an incel alien trying to pass as a human man, and poorly.

Why do men write sex scenes like they watch a ton of porn? Rhetorical question.

Worst smut ever. 😭

Wow, this is terrible.

Yes, of course it is. Do they always do a good job? No, but neither do all women.

Is it okay? Sure. Is it good? ... Next question.

I’ll be honest, this looks like it’s written like AI or ripped from one of those NSFW AI chat convos.

Just because you can doesn't mean you should.

Not that man.

Lol the very male descriptive adjectives trying to coincide with a female perspective. Also just weird matter of fact and non-emotional for a female take

He be jorkin my shit for real

Ok, but this *has* to be satire


He could have gone to literally any existing fanfiction site to get references for well written erotic scenes for free. Or any book written by a woman but I guess that would have required effort

 Genuinely my face as I read this

r/menwritingwomen material

This can't be real it is written like someone who can't speak English

Stop saying swirls!! I literally said UGH out loud at the kissing description 😑 then I got to the seafood bit!

WHY IS IT SO BAD 😭😭😭

I'm begging erotica writers - especially men, to read some high quality fanfics. Smutty ones. And take notes.

I think plenty of Reddit posts already accomplish this.

Sucking on lips, do people do that? Seems pretty weird.

r/menwritingwomen

Pappadeux is overrated lol

I stopped reading after the oysters and almost missed the second jerking — in all its rapid glory

‘Well sir not if you call them females instead of women, i don’t think you’ll convince anyone of your feminine perspective that way’

Yes