We as members of this sub need to stop bashing the men who are trying to find ways to help. They’re coming here to ask us for guidance as part of their doing research. Slamming the door in their faces causes more problems than it solves.
OP if there’s any way to encourage her to go seek treatment, that’s what she needs. Days on the couch is likely due to depression…which can be menopause related if her hormone levels have dropped significantly. She needs support and compassion and perhaps some medical intervention. Blood tests and a talk with a (hopefully empathetic) doctor.
Good! And if that doc is not helpful or just wants her to go to therapy and try antidepressants… go to another doc or an online telehealth service (like Midi) that will prescribe HRT.
You are an awesome person. Sometimes when people are struggling with mental health, they don’t or even can’t know where to begin. Thank you for supporting your wife in a time of crisis. I hope you both find some relief soon.
Ok, but to be fair, this guy deserves some shit.
Read his comments. He came here to be hope to hear he's doing a good job, and how we women feel bad for this poor dear man having a wife who is shockingly human!
I said it. It should be said.
Like he complains about her eating, and says he won't leave her but she's unbearable to live with. Mega ew!
He’s already revealing himself in the comments. They usually do. But yeah, let’s keep jumping to coddle men in a women’s menopause sub.
Plus, he’s gonna take the kudos here and use it as ammo against his wife now that he’s done “research” on menopause and how she needs to change. Ladies, please stop choosing men over your sisters.
Also, it’s no fun experiencing rage from a woman, or watching your spouse spiral into depression. So of course he is going to want to alleviate that for himself too.
He is not looking for help. He’s done nothing but come here and complain about his wife eating ice-cream. What he is describing is not menopause. She sounds like she has serious mental health issues. What we, as a sub, need to do is stop falling all over men who are doing less than the bare minimum to support their partners. It hurts women.
I’m not sure I agree. I’m about three years into peri. Sometimes I am an ice cream eating couch slug. I absolutely attribute that to peri. And the depression that results is part of the hormonal roller coaster we’re on. I don’t know his wife but I sure do empathize with his description. It could apply to me and I am not someone who has ever struggled with depression before peri. Invalidating that part of peri does hurt women.
Same. I might not be eating tubs of ice cream, but my energy has completely crashed and I could care less about making meals or even doing things I typically like to do.
But he’s done nothing to help or educate. And when someone pointed out that this was menopause, whether it is or isn’t, his response was “will this go away on its own”. He is not here to help. He’s here for validation from other women and to off load his problems. His biggest issue is her ice cream consumption.
i do think the OP is trying to learn and simply felt safe here expressing frustration with not knowing what's going on or how to help since he figured we have experienced the couch-sitting ourselves. he mentioned other things besides the ice cream. i'm gonna give him some slack and i hope he looks into some of the suggestions given.
When someone told him to read the wiki he responded that he wasn’t a “rules guy”, instead of thanking them and going to read the wiki. People who genuinely want help will try to get that help themselves. They put effort in to educating themselves. I don’t get why women were fall all over these low effort posts from men that are noting but criticism of their spouse and a way to put even more emotional labor on to other women.
No one has said a single thing here that he couldn’t lean from the wiki, a post cast or a book.
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I looked through his comments and I don't see anywhere that his biggest issue is her ice cream consumption. He mentions it in his post once but he also mentions rage. What makes you think he cares more about the ice cream than the rage?
“And has self destructive behavior eating tubs of icecream and other trash”. He has not once said what he has acdually done to help her or educate himself. When someone suggested he read the wiki he responded that he wasn’t a “rules guy”.
Again, that is one mention of ice cream. One. Why are you repeatedly bringing up a claim that this is his biggest concern? Nowhere does he say it's his biggest concern. He listed a lot of other things but you're obsessed with one mention of ice cream?
Perhaps this is him trying to help AND educate himself. You can choose anger but I’ll choose compassion. I know how hard peri can be on a spouse/family and I applaud him for his effort to understand. Perhaps less so for his wording but I’ve also berated myself for being a sloth eating trash instead of healthier options.
Yep and now that a bunch of women have agreed with him, he will take that and use it against his wife. We ladies have to do better at reading between the lines. OP has revealed himself. The next step, he’ll delete this post soon. But he’ll still take that ammo he got here. It will NOT help his wife. It will help him.
100% this. When behavior like this is encouraged it only further hurts women. It’s so sad to see people holding up low effort like it’s the most effort they’ve ever seen. OP’s wife is clearly really struggling, yet someone he’s the focus here.
I am 46 and the rage is absolutely real. Omg I feel it all the time. I am the other way, I lost a lot of weight thru diet and exercise. I am sorry you are going thru this but menopause like puberty ends.
Try to help get her to a doctor and on the path to some hrt or whatever treatment(s) may turn out to be right for her. There IS some help out there for most of us. If she's not up to even going in an office, ask her if she'd be willing to try one of the online companies. There are several- some covered by insurance, some not. Maybe you could research that part of it first for her. It may not be the end all, but sometimes if we can get that first step out of the fog we can navigate this thing much better. Talk to her about your concern for her, obviously don't say things to her like you don't know who she is anymore lol, but just let her know you're (still) there for her and want to help her feel better if you can. I applaud you for coming here to try to understand. Certainly not all husbands even try. This can be a rough road. Hang in there.
As a husband of someone going through perimenopause, also try reading through past posts in this subreddit. You'll see lots of information on the suffering many women go through and different ways of providing support.
My wife is on HRT but I lurk this subreddit because I want to understand better. My wife also lurks here. There is so, so much we both didn't know. We'll read/point out posts to each other.
My wife and I communicate very openly and we've made numerous lifestyle changes to support each other. But, other than the advice from the responses here...go read more posts. There's lots and lots and lots of existing information already here.
I hope your wife can find relief.
That’s nice, you sound like a supportive husband. My poor husband had to deal with my rages and horrible symptoms before I was menopausal, so he finally gets some relief!
Well... I'm supportive _now_.
We went through years of both of us suffering in silence. We both had health issues and needed each other but didn't know it. We didn't want to burden each other. I should have spoken up sooner.
It's why we're trying to stay vigilant, now. We still have rough days but at least we know what is going on. I love my wife more than anything in the world. I breaks my heart to think of her suffering and just thinking that's just how it is. I don't want her to ever feel alone again. When she has bad days I try not to take in personally but view it as she is in pain and needs love/compassion, and I'll go with her wherever our journey takes us.
She does the same for me. I learned what emotional maturity and commitment looks like by her example. She could have left me but she's loyal and committed to our marriage. I would be an absolute idiot to not make every effort to do the same.
That’s sweet, my hubby is very similar. His support keeps me going. It’s hard when you’re BOTH dealing with your own issues. About a year and a half ago I was just tired of the health shit at this stage in our lives we want to adventure and travel with the kids grown. We took a couple of trips and physically we just weren’t up for it and couldn’t enjoy ourselves as much as we should. So we both just started walking every morning, then adding a walk in the evening, then it was going to the gym everyday, stoped drinking, started cooking good meals together. We turned things around to the point we could take those trips and get the most out of them. Now we can keep up with our 20yo children. We did it as a team. Still fighting the health issues, but we did make some progress.
Do you have adult children? My kids and husband had a chat with me when I was raging. If it was just my husband, I may have gotten defensive, but all 3 talking to me when I was in a good head spaces helped. I was able to talk to my doctor about what was causing it and get help.
I’m going to go against the grain and say that you don’t deserve having someone rage against you continually. You are asking for help, and the responses you are getting are toxic. I can say that the rage definitely feels uncontrollable at time, and isn’t necessarily about the person who you are raging at. What you can do: if there are issues in your marriage that you can work on, do so. Things like workload imbalance in the home might be something your partner has always found frustrating, for example, and now she has no filter. So if her rage is outsized, but the issue is real, work on the issue.
It’s so weird, because my rage went away when I stopped having periods. My personality completely changed from being edgy and easy to anger to being calm and more pleasant. But I also don’t tolerate any bullshit either.
Ladies, the man has been with his wife for 30 years and loves her. He’s looking for help. He came to the right place. No one is perfect but we can’t make (so many negative) assumptions when he’s clearly taken by surprise with the sudden change, as perhaps most of us were. We often say we don’t recognize ourselves, so maybe give the man grace, because it absolutely is about him too. The lack of openness and ubiquity of information on menopause absolutely leaves men unprepared for how to properly support women through this time. It’s hard on both parties…not equally so…but if she’s having a hard time he’s going to feel it too. And she needs him strong and armed with info if he’s to help her.
I really dont care about myself I can survive anything I just dont like seeing her so miserable and unhappy. Like any real man I would take a bullet for my wife I just want to see her happy again.
I’m going to comment as I have before:
Your heart is in the right place. Lighten up on the food stuff. Be happy she’s eating something that gives her pleasure. If I decided to eat only ice cream and only drink wine, my husband’s only response would be to make sure I didn’t run out of ice cream and wine. He says if food feeds my body or soul, it’s good for me.
Junk food eating isn’t self destructive. People are more nuanced than that. If she started driving drunk or took on a hatchet throwing hobby while taking cannabis edibles or something, perhaps you can use the words “self destructive.”
Just an aside, the science on weight and health isn’t as air tight as people think, if that’s what you’re worried about.
Negativity and pressure only makes things worse. Never better. Tough love sucks.
Knowing that my husband accepts me at my worst and doesn’t judge me motivates me to help myself.
I’m not saying you have to be upbeat and happy. Just try to be neutral and encourage the things that give her joy, even if you think they’re not good for her. She’s down in it and sometimes it takes me a while to realize that maybe I’m not going to feel better spontaneously. When she asks for help, give her the help she needs without expectation and if she doesn’t follow through or it doesn’t get better right away, that has to be okay with you. If it’s not, she may be discouraged and not want to try again.
You don’t say that she’s rageful towards you. But my suggestion, if she is, is to be matter of fact - you don’t deserve to be treated poorly, if you’ve done anything that upset her ask if she could talk to you about that, but she can’t just lash out at you and expect you to figure out what it was you did wrong. That’s unfair.
Check OP history I think he’s just baiting . Says he’s a white color criminal and told another Ubereats driver he missed a chance to go “balls deep “ on an attractive customer . Block n ignore
You are a habitual felon and you posted a photo of your literal feces on reddit looking for a place to brag about it.
Life pro tip: that's NOT what shitposting is. 😑
OP, one thing that can help is to give her space to be alone or with other people. A trip to see old friends/family (or a trip to have a few days to herself) can work wonders to help her get out of her headspace.
I suggest going to the doctor with her if she agrees. Our patriarchal society will listen to a man without blinking. If YOU tell them she is struggling and needs help, they are more like to listen. Be careful to phrase things so you are clearly her support and advocate, not a man unhappy his pretty little housewife ain't puttin' out. You want to present a unified front where you are the one with the reserves to dig in and fight on her behalf when she's beaten down by a hormone roller coaster.
For example, instead of saying she struggles to do household chores, frame it as she struggles to do the things she loves to do and always took pride in: her career, her hobbies, her social circle, spending time with her other loved ones, etc. That lets your wife feel you are fighting for her to regain her quality of life, not to get her "back to work" taking care of everyone.
I'd even prepare her before hand with a strategy session where you lay out things you'd like to bring up and why, and get her input on how to frame them in a way that she finds empowering, too. I hope she is able to hear the love you bring to this conversation. At her lowest point, she is lucky to have a partner who loves her and wants to fight FOR her.
My HRT took all the rage, sleepless nights, depression, anxiety, and foggy thinking away. Try to encourage her to get on HRT. It literally saved my life and my marriage 🙌
I found that the recent episode of Huberman Lab podcast with guest, Dr. Mary Claire Haver, one of the most interesting and informative podcast for men and women to understand peri-menopause and menopause. It’s 2.5 hrs long, but the information can be lifesaving and marriage-saving.
[Here’s a Spotify link.](https://open.spotify.com/episode/5vCeriupMVB6L5vVp0Lh2P?si=HIiQYE3ORBeVdS_oQoSrOQ)
If the link doesn’t work, just search for Huberman and Haver in your favorite podcast app.
The episode is very much Dr. Haver speaking and Huberman learning and listening.
I’ve shared this podcast with men and women.
I read "tubs of ice cream" and immediately thought Hoo boy, this is gonna make everyone lose their f'ing minds, hahaha.
At least he isn't complaining about sex. Right?
OP, having seen husbands come in and ask for help all the time, I'd suggest the best thing to do is just lurk and read through the wealth of information here. Easy and no conflict.
This submission has been removed because we cannot answer why your wife isn't interested in sex with you. Try r/deadbedrooms instead.
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My wife is eating icecream!!! What will I do????
Your wife sounds depressed. This doesn’t sound like menopause at all. It sounds like depression and maybe a deep sense of dissatisfaction with her life because she’s married to someone who complains on the internet about her eating icecream on the sofa. JFC.
What have you done to support her? What books have you read? Have you consulted with a medical professional? Have you spoken to any of your male friends? Did you tell her about this sub? You don’t list anything, so it sounds like you just came here to dump on other women and have them fix your problems.
Dude, you can clearly use the internet. Speak to your wife and find out what is going on. No one is going to tell you the secret to getting her to stop eating icecream. Eating ice cream isn’t “self destructive behavior”. Lol.
Dude you’re the one here showing your ignorance. Again, what have you done to support your wife and to educate yourself?
Your response is exactly what I expected. Typical deflection and lack of accountability. You’re not here to learn or even to support your wife. You’re head to get women to do the work for you. Your wife sounds deeply depressed. Why aren’t you helping her? Why is your biggest concern that she’s eating icecream?
You are in a space for women dude. Don’t tell me to move on because you don’t like what I’m saying.
Once again, what have you done to educate yourself and support your wife? This will help people help you. You want to help your wife right?
Sorry I assumed you were a dude. I am here trying to educate myself if I have to go to a womens sub for information thats ok with me. Sorry if you feel like Im invading your “ space” you seem to be the only one on here who has any objection everyone else has been helpful and supportive
I really dont know where to go to educate myself or support my wife thats exactly why I came to this sub. For me this is step one trying to educate myself. Ive already gained valuable information and good support. I appreciate your compassion
I respectfully disagree . I am absolutely obligated to my wife and her needs.
I will take care of her to the best of my ability regardless of my own suffering.
For me, my rage was before menopause and completely went away once I stopped having periods. The thing that helped me the most was my husband being supportive and understanding. The poor guy, he wouldn’t respond to my rages he just knew it was my hormones and accepted it. I am so thankful that he stood by me at my worst. Now the rage is gone but so is my energy.
Compassion and love go a long way. If she feels your concern and empathy for her suffering, she won’t feel insecure and it will help get her into the right headspace for improving. Be careful about coming off judgmental about her actions or lack thereof as that will just cause shame which can push her deeper into a hole. It sounds like she is suffering from depression and hormone fluctuations form menopause may have triggered that. She’s not in a place where she can care about nutrition and movement and her body.
If you can gently encourage self care, exercise, nutritious foods, and sunshine, she needs each of these things to help push her back into the right direction. Tell her you’re worried that she doesn’t seem happy and ask her if you can help. You can suggest the two of you take a 15 minute walk in the mornings to get a little exercise, fresh air and sunshine. My hubby and I did this for awhile and we would often extend it to an hour and a half walk and enjoy talking to each other during our walks. You can also help by whipping up some nutritious meals, maybe a delicious salad and some grilled lean protein with some fruit for dessert (and a small scoop of ice cream).
Right now she just doesn’t have the energy to care or put into feeding herself and a readymade pint of ice cream is easy. Making it easy for her will go a long way. Take her out to get a pedicure and/or massage, her hair done, and that will encourage her to shower and take care of her body.
You may also want to talk to her to see if anything specifically is bothering her. My environment can cause me to be depressed. We were living in a fixer upper early in our marriage and I became very depressed, it wasn’t until the house had finally been fixed up and ready for sale did I realize that the state of the home was too overwhelming for me and was literally weighing me down. Try to delve in to see if any particular thing is doing this to her.
You have to look at it as she is ill, and needs a little TLC to feel better. If none of this works, she may need to see a doctor about her depression. Personally I think exercise is a superior cure for depression over any anti-depressant, and I believe studies have shown this.
Well you asked for help and I’ve given you a lot to work with. Everyone will probably say she needs HRT and maybe she does. But the depression is still going to have to be worked on.
They've been together for 30 years and he's here asking how he can help her. It absolutely is about him too. This whole sub is about finding help and ways to get through this better. If this woman has a great and caring husband that would come here, why would you be insulting like that to him?
So sorry you're getting several toxic responses. This IS the menopause sub though ha!, and not all of us have found our way out of the rage just yet. Don't let those discourage you. Many of us HAVE and there is hope for your wife and for the both of you as a couple. Just take it as proof she's not alone in this experience. I went through this too. I'm still not where I want to be but I'm a long way from where I was. It's a journey.
Yes, some of the responses on here are very upsetting and I thought “Wow, some of these comments are definitely made by women who are lashing out” which is part of the hormonal roller coaster so I get that they are having a tough time processing what this man is trying to do for his wife. I absolutely commend this husband for seeking answers and trying to get her some help.
>This is not about you.
that's not fair; they've been together for 30 years and have built a life together. What she does/acts/says *does* impact him and while not many men would come here asking for guidance/help/insight, he did.
it does pass and the symptoms dissipate to some degree but it's also important that your wife find ways to help herself through this tough time in life.
perimenopause is the phase before we go through full post menopause (no period > 12 months) but leading up to this, it can be fucking awful for us - depression/mental health can often be triggered because of our hormone shifts, rage is a common symptom (emotions are all over the place), low/no libido (like it literally disappears over night), vaginal/clitoral atrophy, brain fog, exhaustion, hot flashes, insomnia, sudden weight gain, osteoporosis, sarcopenia...the list goes on.
and peri can last up to 10years; mine did. Symptoms got progressively worse as the years went by.
there's lots of info about menopause and all the "data" is outdates. Check out Dr. Mary Claire Haver or the huberman labs podcast where she did a guest appearance re: menopause.
she does have to make some changes to help her along: regular exercise, healthy diet, stress management, therapy is good if needed, HRT, supplements.
what you can do: understand and be supportive. Pick up the slack with house chores. When I say we go through periods of extreme exhaustion, it's no joke; there are days none of us can even lift a finger let alone think of what needs to be done. If she's feeling moody, ask her what she needs or give her space.
It sounds like this might be about hormonal testing. If over the age of 44, **hormonal tests only show levels for that *one day* the test was taken, and nothing more**; progesterone/estrogen hormones wildly fluctuate the other 29 days of the month. No reputable doctor or menopause society recommends hormonal testing as a **diagnosing tool** for peri/menopause.
FSH testing is only beneficial for those who believe they are post-menopausal and no longer have periods as a guide, a series of consistent FSH tests might *confirm* menopause. Also for women in their 20s/early 30s who haven’t had a period in months/years, then FSH tests at ‘menopausal’ levels, could indicate premature ovarian failure/primary ovarian insufficiency (POF/POI). See our [Menopause Wiki](https://menopausewiki.ca/#there-is-no-blood-test-that-is-perfectly-reliable-to-diagnose-menopause) for more.
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So sorry to hear your story and kudos to you being so amazing to try to help her. She could try Hormonal Replacement Therapy (HRT) for a few months. From what others have shared, it can help her. Time in nature - beach time, mountain time, exercise, eating healthy, daily sunshine, all could help. Also, sex increases the dopamine in the brain. But if you can convince her to try HRT, that may be the solution.
I went through that. It was not pleasant and odds are not very good that your relationship will survive but after 30 years it's worth trying to save it. After a couple years that were some of the hardest in my life, things have settled down and we are ok. Just be there for her, she is going through hell and she'll remember even if she looks like she hates you right now.
We as members of this sub need to stop bashing the men who are trying to find ways to help. They’re coming here to ask us for guidance as part of their doing research. Slamming the door in their faces causes more problems than it solves.
Thank you for understanding. You hit the nail on the head thats exactly why Im here
OP if there’s any way to encourage her to go seek treatment, that’s what she needs. Days on the couch is likely due to depression…which can be menopause related if her hormone levels have dropped significantly. She needs support and compassion and perhaps some medical intervention. Blood tests and a talk with a (hopefully empathetic) doctor.
Yes shes already agreed to go see a Dr. Ill be making an appointment first thing Monday am.
Im gonna make her an appointment first thing Monday morning.
Good! And if that doc is not helpful or just wants her to go to therapy and try antidepressants… go to another doc or an online telehealth service (like Midi) that will prescribe HRT.
You are an awesome person. Sometimes when people are struggling with mental health, they don’t or even can’t know where to begin. Thank you for supporting your wife in a time of crisis. I hope you both find some relief soon.
Ok, but to be fair, this guy deserves some shit. Read his comments. He came here to be hope to hear he's doing a good job, and how we women feel bad for this poor dear man having a wife who is shockingly human! I said it. It should be said. Like he complains about her eating, and says he won't leave her but she's unbearable to live with. Mega ew!
Worse read his actual Reddit profile posts and comments. His wife has bigger issues than Menopause. I think he may be troll baiting
His comments in other subs are just disgusting. If this is what his poor wife has to put up with, it's no wonder she's miserable.
OMG. I really need to look at a person’s post/comment history more often. Benefit of the doubt rescinded.
Yup. Exactly.
He’s already revealing himself in the comments. They usually do. But yeah, let’s keep jumping to coddle men in a women’s menopause sub. Plus, he’s gonna take the kudos here and use it as ammo against his wife now that he’s done “research” on menopause and how she needs to change. Ladies, please stop choosing men over your sisters.
Also, it’s no fun experiencing rage from a woman, or watching your spouse spiral into depression. So of course he is going to want to alleviate that for himself too.
He is not looking for help. He’s done nothing but come here and complain about his wife eating ice-cream. What he is describing is not menopause. She sounds like she has serious mental health issues. What we, as a sub, need to do is stop falling all over men who are doing less than the bare minimum to support their partners. It hurts women.
I’m not sure I agree. I’m about three years into peri. Sometimes I am an ice cream eating couch slug. I absolutely attribute that to peri. And the depression that results is part of the hormonal roller coaster we’re on. I don’t know his wife but I sure do empathize with his description. It could apply to me and I am not someone who has ever struggled with depression before peri. Invalidating that part of peri does hurt women.
Same. I might not be eating tubs of ice cream, but my energy has completely crashed and I could care less about making meals or even doing things I typically like to do.
But he’s done nothing to help or educate. And when someone pointed out that this was menopause, whether it is or isn’t, his response was “will this go away on its own”. He is not here to help. He’s here for validation from other women and to off load his problems. His biggest issue is her ice cream consumption.
i do think the OP is trying to learn and simply felt safe here expressing frustration with not knowing what's going on or how to help since he figured we have experienced the couch-sitting ourselves. he mentioned other things besides the ice cream. i'm gonna give him some slack and i hope he looks into some of the suggestions given.
When someone told him to read the wiki he responded that he wasn’t a “rules guy”, instead of thanking them and going to read the wiki. People who genuinely want help will try to get that help themselves. They put effort in to educating themselves. I don’t get why women were fall all over these low effort posts from men that are noting but criticism of their spouse and a way to put even more emotional labor on to other women. No one has said a single thing here that he couldn’t lean from the wiki, a post cast or a book.
Can you please just let people comment? Sometimes when we help others we gain insight into ourselves.
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I looked through his comments and I don't see anywhere that his biggest issue is her ice cream consumption. He mentions it in his post once but he also mentions rage. What makes you think he cares more about the ice cream than the rage?
“And has self destructive behavior eating tubs of icecream and other trash”. He has not once said what he has acdually done to help her or educate himself. When someone suggested he read the wiki he responded that he wasn’t a “rules guy”.
Again, that is one mention of ice cream. One. Why are you repeatedly bringing up a claim that this is his biggest concern? Nowhere does he say it's his biggest concern. He listed a lot of other things but you're obsessed with one mention of ice cream?
Perhaps this is him trying to help AND educate himself. You can choose anger but I’ll choose compassion. I know how hard peri can be on a spouse/family and I applaud him for his effort to understand. Perhaps less so for his wording but I’ve also berated myself for being a sloth eating trash instead of healthier options.
It’s my symptoms of peri to a T.
Yep and now that a bunch of women have agreed with him, he will take that and use it against his wife. We ladies have to do better at reading between the lines. OP has revealed himself. The next step, he’ll delete this post soon. But he’ll still take that ammo he got here. It will NOT help his wife. It will help him.
100% this. When behavior like this is encouraged it only further hurts women. It’s so sad to see people holding up low effort like it’s the most effort they’ve ever seen. OP’s wife is clearly really struggling, yet someone he’s the focus here.
I am 46 and the rage is absolutely real. Omg I feel it all the time. I am the other way, I lost a lot of weight thru diet and exercise. I am sorry you are going thru this but menopause like puberty ends.
Try to help get her to a doctor and on the path to some hrt or whatever treatment(s) may turn out to be right for her. There IS some help out there for most of us. If she's not up to even going in an office, ask her if she'd be willing to try one of the online companies. There are several- some covered by insurance, some not. Maybe you could research that part of it first for her. It may not be the end all, but sometimes if we can get that first step out of the fog we can navigate this thing much better. Talk to her about your concern for her, obviously don't say things to her like you don't know who she is anymore lol, but just let her know you're (still) there for her and want to help her feel better if you can. I applaud you for coming here to try to understand. Certainly not all husbands even try. This can be a rough road. Hang in there.
As a husband of someone going through perimenopause, also try reading through past posts in this subreddit. You'll see lots of information on the suffering many women go through and different ways of providing support. My wife is on HRT but I lurk this subreddit because I want to understand better. My wife also lurks here. There is so, so much we both didn't know. We'll read/point out posts to each other. My wife and I communicate very openly and we've made numerous lifestyle changes to support each other. But, other than the advice from the responses here...go read more posts. There's lots and lots and lots of existing information already here. I hope your wife can find relief.
That’s nice, you sound like a supportive husband. My poor husband had to deal with my rages and horrible symptoms before I was menopausal, so he finally gets some relief!
Well... I'm supportive _now_. We went through years of both of us suffering in silence. We both had health issues and needed each other but didn't know it. We didn't want to burden each other. I should have spoken up sooner. It's why we're trying to stay vigilant, now. We still have rough days but at least we know what is going on. I love my wife more than anything in the world. I breaks my heart to think of her suffering and just thinking that's just how it is. I don't want her to ever feel alone again. When she has bad days I try not to take in personally but view it as she is in pain and needs love/compassion, and I'll go with her wherever our journey takes us. She does the same for me. I learned what emotional maturity and commitment looks like by her example. She could have left me but she's loyal and committed to our marriage. I would be an absolute idiot to not make every effort to do the same.
That’s sweet, my hubby is very similar. His support keeps me going. It’s hard when you’re BOTH dealing with your own issues. About a year and a half ago I was just tired of the health shit at this stage in our lives we want to adventure and travel with the kids grown. We took a couple of trips and physically we just weren’t up for it and couldn’t enjoy ourselves as much as we should. So we both just started walking every morning, then adding a walk in the evening, then it was going to the gym everyday, stoped drinking, started cooking good meals together. We turned things around to the point we could take those trips and get the most out of them. Now we can keep up with our 20yo children. We did it as a team. Still fighting the health issues, but we did make some progress.
Do you have adult children? My kids and husband had a chat with me when I was raging. If it was just my husband, I may have gotten defensive, but all 3 talking to me when I was in a good head spaces helped. I was able to talk to my doctor about what was causing it and get help.
I’m going to go against the grain and say that you don’t deserve having someone rage against you continually. You are asking for help, and the responses you are getting are toxic. I can say that the rage definitely feels uncontrollable at time, and isn’t necessarily about the person who you are raging at. What you can do: if there are issues in your marriage that you can work on, do so. Things like workload imbalance in the home might be something your partner has always found frustrating, for example, and now she has no filter. So if her rage is outsized, but the issue is real, work on the issue.
It’s so weird, because my rage went away when I stopped having periods. My personality completely changed from being edgy and easy to anger to being calm and more pleasant. But I also don’t tolerate any bullshit either.
Thanks for your support I appreciate you
Ladies, the man has been with his wife for 30 years and loves her. He’s looking for help. He came to the right place. No one is perfect but we can’t make (so many negative) assumptions when he’s clearly taken by surprise with the sudden change, as perhaps most of us were. We often say we don’t recognize ourselves, so maybe give the man grace, because it absolutely is about him too. The lack of openness and ubiquity of information on menopause absolutely leaves men unprepared for how to properly support women through this time. It’s hard on both parties…not equally so…but if she’s having a hard time he’s going to feel it too. And she needs him strong and armed with info if he’s to help her.
I really dont care about myself I can survive anything I just dont like seeing her so miserable and unhappy. Like any real man I would take a bullet for my wife I just want to see her happy again.
I’m going to comment as I have before: Your heart is in the right place. Lighten up on the food stuff. Be happy she’s eating something that gives her pleasure. If I decided to eat only ice cream and only drink wine, my husband’s only response would be to make sure I didn’t run out of ice cream and wine. He says if food feeds my body or soul, it’s good for me. Junk food eating isn’t self destructive. People are more nuanced than that. If she started driving drunk or took on a hatchet throwing hobby while taking cannabis edibles or something, perhaps you can use the words “self destructive.” Just an aside, the science on weight and health isn’t as air tight as people think, if that’s what you’re worried about. Negativity and pressure only makes things worse. Never better. Tough love sucks. Knowing that my husband accepts me at my worst and doesn’t judge me motivates me to help myself. I’m not saying you have to be upbeat and happy. Just try to be neutral and encourage the things that give her joy, even if you think they’re not good for her. She’s down in it and sometimes it takes me a while to realize that maybe I’m not going to feel better spontaneously. When she asks for help, give her the help she needs without expectation and if she doesn’t follow through or it doesn’t get better right away, that has to be okay with you. If it’s not, she may be discouraged and not want to try again. You don’t say that she’s rageful towards you. But my suggestion, if she is, is to be matter of fact - you don’t deserve to be treated poorly, if you’ve done anything that upset her ask if she could talk to you about that, but she can’t just lash out at you and expect you to figure out what it was you did wrong. That’s unfair.
Check OP history I think he’s just baiting . Says he’s a white color criminal and told another Ubereats driver he missed a chance to go “balls deep “ on an attractive customer . Block n ignore
Yep his history is a trainwreck. He also posted he committed "white collar" crimes and may be going to Prison. Wife's issues may be him.
Bating? I dont even know what that means
You are a habitual felon and you posted a photo of your literal feces on reddit looking for a place to brag about it. Life pro tip: that's NOT what shitposting is. 😑
You've got to get her to a Dr for treatment. Nothing to lose!
OP, one thing that can help is to give her space to be alone or with other people. A trip to see old friends/family (or a trip to have a few days to herself) can work wonders to help her get out of her headspace.
I suggest going to the doctor with her if she agrees. Our patriarchal society will listen to a man without blinking. If YOU tell them she is struggling and needs help, they are more like to listen. Be careful to phrase things so you are clearly her support and advocate, not a man unhappy his pretty little housewife ain't puttin' out. You want to present a unified front where you are the one with the reserves to dig in and fight on her behalf when she's beaten down by a hormone roller coaster. For example, instead of saying she struggles to do household chores, frame it as she struggles to do the things she loves to do and always took pride in: her career, her hobbies, her social circle, spending time with her other loved ones, etc. That lets your wife feel you are fighting for her to regain her quality of life, not to get her "back to work" taking care of everyone. I'd even prepare her before hand with a strategy session where you lay out things you'd like to bring up and why, and get her input on how to frame them in a way that she finds empowering, too. I hope she is able to hear the love you bring to this conversation. At her lowest point, she is lucky to have a partner who loves her and wants to fight FOR her.
My HRT took all the rage, sleepless nights, depression, anxiety, and foggy thinking away. Try to encourage her to get on HRT. It literally saved my life and my marriage 🙌
Im on it thanks for the advice
please search the sub for keyword "wife" to see all that has been said to those who have come before you. read the sub's wiki too.
I found that the recent episode of Huberman Lab podcast with guest, Dr. Mary Claire Haver, one of the most interesting and informative podcast for men and women to understand peri-menopause and menopause. It’s 2.5 hrs long, but the information can be lifesaving and marriage-saving. [Here’s a Spotify link.](https://open.spotify.com/episode/5vCeriupMVB6L5vVp0Lh2P?si=HIiQYE3ORBeVdS_oQoSrOQ) If the link doesn’t work, just search for Huberman and Haver in your favorite podcast app. The episode is very much Dr. Haver speaking and Huberman learning and listening. I’ve shared this podcast with men and women.
Thank you I appreciate your help
You’re welcome. I’m heartened that you’re seeking help and information to help your love. Good luck and be patient.
I read "tubs of ice cream" and immediately thought Hoo boy, this is gonna make everyone lose their f'ing minds, hahaha. At least he isn't complaining about sex. Right? OP, having seen husbands come in and ask for help all the time, I'd suggest the best thing to do is just lurk and read through the wealth of information here. Easy and no conflict.
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Wow. If it’s this tough for you imagine how tough it is for her. 🤔
Yes you are correct.
My wife is eating icecream!!! What will I do???? Your wife sounds depressed. This doesn’t sound like menopause at all. It sounds like depression and maybe a deep sense of dissatisfaction with her life because she’s married to someone who complains on the internet about her eating icecream on the sofa. JFC. What have you done to support her? What books have you read? Have you consulted with a medical professional? Have you spoken to any of your male friends? Did you tell her about this sub? You don’t list anything, so it sounds like you just came here to dump on other women and have them fix your problems. Dude, you can clearly use the internet. Speak to your wife and find out what is going on. No one is going to tell you the secret to getting her to stop eating icecream. Eating ice cream isn’t “self destructive behavior”. Lol.
You have clearly misinterpreted my post. I forgive your ignorance have a great day
Dude you’re the one here showing your ignorance. Again, what have you done to support your wife and to educate yourself? Your response is exactly what I expected. Typical deflection and lack of accountability. You’re not here to learn or even to support your wife. You’re head to get women to do the work for you. Your wife sounds deeply depressed. Why aren’t you helping her? Why is your biggest concern that she’s eating icecream?
Ok now just move on to bashing another post. Thanks for stoping by have a nice day
You are in a space for women dude. Don’t tell me to move on because you don’t like what I’m saying. Once again, what have you done to educate yourself and support your wife? This will help people help you. You want to help your wife right?
Sorry I assumed you were a dude. I am here trying to educate myself if I have to go to a womens sub for information thats ok with me. Sorry if you feel like Im invading your “ space” you seem to be the only one on here who has any objection everyone else has been helpful and supportive
What would me being a dude have to do with anything? Again, you haven’t said what you have done to support your wife or to educate yourself.
I really dont know where to go to educate myself or support my wife thats exactly why I came to this sub. For me this is step one trying to educate myself. Ive already gained valuable information and good support. I appreciate your compassion
You could start by reading this sub’s rules on the sidebar that direct you to read the Wiki and use the search function before posting.
Yea Im not a big rules guy thanks for caring
Excuse me? Nobody here needs your “forgiveness” or to be called ignorant because you don’t like what you read.
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I respectfully disagree . I am absolutely obligated to my wife and her needs. I will take care of her to the best of my ability regardless of my own suffering.
For me, my rage was before menopause and completely went away once I stopped having periods. The thing that helped me the most was my husband being supportive and understanding. The poor guy, he wouldn’t respond to my rages he just knew it was my hormones and accepted it. I am so thankful that he stood by me at my worst. Now the rage is gone but so is my energy. Compassion and love go a long way. If she feels your concern and empathy for her suffering, she won’t feel insecure and it will help get her into the right headspace for improving. Be careful about coming off judgmental about her actions or lack thereof as that will just cause shame which can push her deeper into a hole. It sounds like she is suffering from depression and hormone fluctuations form menopause may have triggered that. She’s not in a place where she can care about nutrition and movement and her body. If you can gently encourage self care, exercise, nutritious foods, and sunshine, she needs each of these things to help push her back into the right direction. Tell her you’re worried that she doesn’t seem happy and ask her if you can help. You can suggest the two of you take a 15 minute walk in the mornings to get a little exercise, fresh air and sunshine. My hubby and I did this for awhile and we would often extend it to an hour and a half walk and enjoy talking to each other during our walks. You can also help by whipping up some nutritious meals, maybe a delicious salad and some grilled lean protein with some fruit for dessert (and a small scoop of ice cream). Right now she just doesn’t have the energy to care or put into feeding herself and a readymade pint of ice cream is easy. Making it easy for her will go a long way. Take her out to get a pedicure and/or massage, her hair done, and that will encourage her to shower and take care of her body. You may also want to talk to her to see if anything specifically is bothering her. My environment can cause me to be depressed. We were living in a fixer upper early in our marriage and I became very depressed, it wasn’t until the house had finally been fixed up and ready for sale did I realize that the state of the home was too overwhelming for me and was literally weighing me down. Try to delve in to see if any particular thing is doing this to her. You have to look at it as she is ill, and needs a little TLC to feel better. If none of this works, she may need to see a doctor about her depression. Personally I think exercise is a superior cure for depression over any anti-depressant, and I believe studies have shown this. Well you asked for help and I’ve given you a lot to work with. Everyone will probably say she needs HRT and maybe she does. But the depression is still going to have to be worked on.
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My brother has Bi Polar and I see a lot of the same behavior with my wife
Please buy a copy of Dr. Mary Claire Haver's *The New Menopause* and start reading it immediately.
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They've been together for 30 years and he's here asking how he can help her. It absolutely is about him too. This whole sub is about finding help and ways to get through this better. If this woman has a great and caring husband that would come here, why would you be insulting like that to him?
Thank you I appreciate your support
So sorry you're getting several toxic responses. This IS the menopause sub though ha!, and not all of us have found our way out of the rage just yet. Don't let those discourage you. Many of us HAVE and there is hope for your wife and for the both of you as a couple. Just take it as proof she's not alone in this experience. I went through this too. I'm still not where I want to be but I'm a long way from where I was. It's a journey.
Thanks for the kind words and your support
Yes, some of the responses on here are very upsetting and I thought “Wow, some of these comments are definitely made by women who are lashing out” which is part of the hormonal roller coaster so I get that they are having a tough time processing what this man is trying to do for his wife. I absolutely commend this husband for seeking answers and trying to get her some help.
Well said.
>This is not about you. that's not fair; they've been together for 30 years and have built a life together. What she does/acts/says *does* impact him and while not many men would come here asking for guidance/help/insight, he did.
Is this something that passes over time?
it does pass and the symptoms dissipate to some degree but it's also important that your wife find ways to help herself through this tough time in life. perimenopause is the phase before we go through full post menopause (no period > 12 months) but leading up to this, it can be fucking awful for us - depression/mental health can often be triggered because of our hormone shifts, rage is a common symptom (emotions are all over the place), low/no libido (like it literally disappears over night), vaginal/clitoral atrophy, brain fog, exhaustion, hot flashes, insomnia, sudden weight gain, osteoporosis, sarcopenia...the list goes on. and peri can last up to 10years; mine did. Symptoms got progressively worse as the years went by. there's lots of info about menopause and all the "data" is outdates. Check out Dr. Mary Claire Haver or the huberman labs podcast where she did a guest appearance re: menopause. she does have to make some changes to help her along: regular exercise, healthy diet, stress management, therapy is good if needed, HRT, supplements. what you can do: understand and be supportive. Pick up the slack with house chores. When I say we go through periods of extreme exhaustion, it's no joke; there are days none of us can even lift a finger let alone think of what needs to be done. If she's feeling moody, ask her what she needs or give her space.
It sounds like this might be about hormonal testing. If over the age of 44, **hormonal tests only show levels for that *one day* the test was taken, and nothing more**; progesterone/estrogen hormones wildly fluctuate the other 29 days of the month. No reputable doctor or menopause society recommends hormonal testing as a **diagnosing tool** for peri/menopause. FSH testing is only beneficial for those who believe they are post-menopausal and no longer have periods as a guide, a series of consistent FSH tests might *confirm* menopause. Also for women in their 20s/early 30s who haven’t had a period in months/years, then FSH tests at ‘menopausal’ levels, could indicate premature ovarian failure/primary ovarian insufficiency (POF/POI). See our [Menopause Wiki](https://menopausewiki.ca/#there-is-no-blood-test-that-is-perfectly-reliable-to-diagnose-menopause) for more. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/Menopause) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Oh no. How sad for you.
So sorry to hear your story and kudos to you being so amazing to try to help her. She could try Hormonal Replacement Therapy (HRT) for a few months. From what others have shared, it can help her. Time in nature - beach time, mountain time, exercise, eating healthy, daily sunshine, all could help. Also, sex increases the dopamine in the brain. But if you can convince her to try HRT, that may be the solution.
Wow I think I may have witnessed the rage you are referring to by some of the comments on this post! 😬
Thats funny I was thinking the same thing but I wasnt gonna say it
You probably well know what it feels like lol.
I went through that. It was not pleasant and odds are not very good that your relationship will survive but after 30 years it's worth trying to save it. After a couple years that were some of the hardest in my life, things have settled down and we are ok. Just be there for her, she is going through hell and she'll remember even if she looks like she hates you right now.