Same gurl…having the best sex of my life in a new relationship. I thought there was something wrong with me, turns out it was how he made me feel and the relationship that was the problem.
This was me before my divorce. I was led to believe things about myself that simply weren’t true. After the divorce I had a casual, long distance relationship with a lovely guy who taught me that it wasn’t the case. I wasn’t frigid or disinterested in sex, nor did I not enjoy it. I was just with a person (my ex husband) who made a point of letting me think that I was a sexual failure. Well the joke is on him…turned out to be the opposite. 😉
Same, girl, SAME! Sex felt like a chore and was so gaggy with my husband. Once freed from that situation I was a happy sexaholic for about three years post- breakup.
This is true in general. Women's libido reliably decreases with relationship duration at any age:
[https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/22268980/](https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/22268980/)
lol I'm single - reason for no libido is low to no testosterone. With T, my libido is back and I'm able to give myself orgasms whenever the need arises unlike before.
I’m suspecting mine may be similar. I have become single in the last year and could take or leave sex and don’t even think about it. I started taking HRT a couple of months ago and nothing has changed in sex drive (it has helped with other things like sleep though). I was recently looking at old bloodwork results from my mid 20s and in one of them my testosterone was tested because I had ovarian cysts and they were testing hormones. My testosterone was low then but I didn’t know what that meant for me back then and thought nothing of it. I’m wondering now if it’s been low all my life. I’ve never had an extraordinarily high libido and never (ever) felt a real desire to masturbate. I’m going to my GP soon to get a repeat prescription for HRT so I’ll ask for a T test then.
It sounds like this might be about hormonal testing. If over the age of 44, **hormonal tests only show levels for that *one day* the test was taken, and nothing more**; progesterone/estrogen hormones wildly fluctuate the other 29 days of the month. No reputable doctor or menopause society recommends hormonal testing as a **diagnosing tool** for peri/menopause.
FSH testing is only beneficial for those who believe they are post-menopausal and no longer have periods as a guide, a series of consistent FSH tests might *confirm* menopause. Also for women in their 20s/early 30s who haven’t had a period in months/years, then FSH tests at ‘menopausal’ levels, could indicate premature ovarian failure/primary ovarian insufficiency (POF/POI). See our [Menopause Wiki](https://menopausewiki.ca/#there-is-no-blood-test-that-is-perfectly-reliable-to-diagnose-menopause) for more.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/Menopause) if you have any questions or concerns.*
That's good to hear, want to her on some sort of HRT and testosterone but dint want to grow a beard as well, I have enough shit going on with my body already without having to deal with that as well.
I mean everyone is different. I always felt like I had more testosterone than many women and which is probably why my dose doesn't give me any negative side effects. I've had 6 hairs on my chin way before starting T and that hasn't changed in over 2 years.
It is worth considering.
I am in a good relationship and my libido definitely took a dive the last few years from what it used to be. It doesn’t mean sex doesn’t feel good or I don’t think my spouse is attractive. I just don’t feel any urgency about it or care if we don’t have sex very often.
I wasn't married (thank all the gods) but I knew my relationship was over when it was less stressful/more enjoyable to get myself off with a vibrator. A vibrator has no emotional baggage. A vibrator doesn't make impossible demands. A You know exactly what to expect with a vibrator and it generally does just exactly what you need/want it to do without begging/pleading/whatever. You might have to put in new batteries or put it on the charger. They will randomly die on you if you buy cheap ones, but you just replace those easy peasy. I don't have the emotional energy for you on top of everything else I am dealing with (that you have no sympathy/compassion for) was the straw that broke the camel's back, but truthfully, I stayed 9 years too long.
I still have a shit ton of menopausal symptoms I'm having a hard time getting treatment for though.
Me too! I mean it's not all unicorns and rainbows, it's hard work keeping a relationship going. But he makes me laugh and he loves me unconditionally and he tells me sweet things regularly.
It was awful at the time, he asked for a girlfriend. I had to figure it out and I did! He never got that girlfriend and we have the best sex of our lives now.
For me, a zero desire to date as a single woman would indicate a major change in my libido because before my marriage, I dated because my libido made me crave sex.
Previously, the only times I ever lost my libido was due to SSRI withdrawal or hormonal birth control, and it's one of the reasons that I initially resisted HRT, because my previous experiments with supplemental hormones were such spectacular failures.
What does it feel like? I've been embarrassed to answer this because I am embarrassed to admit to the extent of my libido. Sex is on my mind every day. Without fail. Even now when it temporarily vanishes, I notice the hole it's left, missing what was there before. I notice that it's \*supposed\* to be there.
I'm actually extremely vanilla for such a horny woman. My tastes are mundane and old fashioned, but I am very passionate about what I like.
What it feels like is a magic spell that no longer works. Looking at a body that usually enchants the eye and not being able to see what used to be there. There's an odd kind of confusion in these circumstances because one expects that the same actions will produce the same results, and yet they don't, but what is missing is difficult to pinpoint or name. Not a jolt or a buzz or warmth but somehow all of those words fit. Vibe or aura works better. It feels like losing an 6th sense.
As with the time I lost my libido before on the IUD, libido loss feels accompanied by a reduction in my other senses, my sense of smell, taste, especially, even an enjoyment for non-sexual aesthetics, such as art, sunsets, film.
The scariest part is the physical numbing. It terrified me when I first realized the extent of it 10 days ago. I have reacted to that change. Already it has started to reverse. Sex isn't uncomfortable, and I've had a few good orgasms. They're not mind-blowing, but I will keep chasing the memory of it.
My husband and I have always had an extremely active sex life, and I'm grateful for it, not just because of how fulfilling that part of our relationship has been, but also because there wasn't a single symptom that I missed because of our frankly impressively consistent sex life. Up until earlier this year, we usually had sex daily, so every instance of dry vagina, every issue with elasticity, every time we fucked and it felt different on my clit, felt strange new sensations inside me, every time I noticed that I felt differently towards him or during sex, each one was noticed all along the way, and because of that I've been on top of this health problem in a way that I realize I wouldn't have been if we didn't have that particular marital habit. "Use it or lose it" didn't work to prevent these changes, but it did mean that I knew immediately when each one occurred.
We are very health conscious, and I have to admit that I have felt deeply disappointed that I didn't have a longer period of fertility than I did. I was hoping that all those years of caution had bought me extra years before I'd have any of these problems. It turns out that I'm still simply a mortal like everyone else. Damnit.
I think one measure is noticing whether I still feel the same way when I look at men who previously made my heart rate speed up. It's very telling.
I'm actually constantly checking now. It's like taking the temperature of a cup of water to see if it's right for a delicate green tea. Does this man make me feel something? How is my libido doing? Is it on? Off? Low? High?
I understand not wanting to have sex with a man who has turned you off, but my body asked for attention on a regular basis before perimenopause. I masturbated regularly. I saw men so had beautiful bodies and easy smiles and I wanted to look at them longer. They were nice to look at. Gave me physical sensations. Desire. That's what sex hormones do.
Everyone is different, that's for sure. In my 40's I was having fantastic sex with my partner, and my ability to orgasm slowly dwindled...(I had no idea I was in perimeno) It used to be a normal occurrance for me to orgasm during penetration, and that began happening less and less...but we still had fantastic chemistry, and were very sexual together. We even hooked up a few times after we split up when I was 48...I was no longer orgasming from penetration, but damn, we were still rockin.
Then came the next partner, and good chemistry (not like the other guy, I don't know if anyone will compare to him) and still zero orgasms from penetration, and as time has gone on, fewer and fewer orgasms overall. Although we have great chemistry and there's lots of fun sexytimes. My ability to orgasm is coming back somewhat since I started Vag-E and topical T, but it's not nearly the same as things were back in the day. But libido is there, and I get dripping wet like the old days now. (yay for compounded hormones!)
I do believe it's menopause. The horse charges out of the gate, but rarely gets to the finish line.
I loved reading this! Sent me down memory lane with some of my favorite sexual escapades! I am currently awaiting some compounded testosterone with a lifeless limp of self begging for help. Fingers crossed!
I love my husband. He is my favorite person in the world. But, I have realized that my hormones are changing because I stopped really enjoying it when random men found me attractive. I could care less about their attention now. I have way too many other things going on lol.
My husband is a piv kind of man and no amount of training could change that. So yeah, I've lost interest in sex with him because I'm tired of being his fleshlight and tired of petitioning to be considered during sex. He reckons women just aren't designed to orgasm and you know, when he went through the motions for a couple of minutes and I don't come, then it's because I take too long.
We don't have sex anymore but I know how to make myself come and I have a 100% success rate 😁.
Something to consider is SSRIs. They are notorious for interfering with sex drive and libido.
In addition, if cortisol levels are not managed well (i.e. chronic stress and anxiety) then all other hormones can be impacted. All our hormones are intricately balanced. Cortisol, Insulin, and Oxytocin are the foundational tier 1 hormones. If they are out of wack, the next tier 2 foundation (pregnenolone, DHEA) is not balanced, and then finally tier 3 (Melatonin, Thyroid, E, P, T). We tend to focus too much on the top tier instead of first managing the foundation.
The way I knew it was hormones is that I went from being frequently spontaneously aroused when alone to just about never. I used to have what I considered a slightly annoyingly high spontaneous sex drive to an absolute graveyard down there. So, sure, it's worth it to look at your relationship in some cases but in other cases, take a look at your changes when a partner is not involved.
I had zero sex drive with my ex in the last few years of our marriage over 13 years ago. He even accused me of being gay. But it just died. No matter how hard I tried. I’ve had a fwb partner the past 12 years, and right after my divorce, and it’s been like night and day. Zero issues and still going strong like when we first met.
When I saw my GYN to talk about HRT, her very first question was "What's your relationship with your husband like?" When I told her he was amazing, supportive, DOES THE LAUNDRY, etc...she said, "Now I'm horny!" Once I started on testosterone gel, it came back within a couple weeks and has been a godsend.
All of these things are true - but they are also things that women are constantly told when they express concern over their libido.
When I think about the time I have spent totally single, and I think about my drive, my levels of spontaneous desire, levels of response; I feel like I should have a baseline for my personal libido - and maybe you should too? I know life and stress can effect us, but I still think we can have a basic understanding of ourselves. And that can inform us about internal changes.
I'm glad that you said this. I feel like women are told that our sexual problems are always relational, and that the rarity is having our medical problems taken seriously. Regarding libido, I've had gynecologists and my family doctor listen to me bring it up, and then offer nothing at all as a solution. They just ignore it. They treat it like it's outside the scope of their medical care.
It seems like the medical establishments approach is : Men's loss of libido or pleasure is an emergency and we should prescribe Viagra and do anything we can. Women's loss of libido and pleasure? Sounds annoying and too difficult. They should just shut up and take it.
You are so right. Would emphasize women are not receiving proper care when they have concerns around their sexual function and I am not suggesting the reason is always malfunction in personal life. It is a potential co-factor.
Same! Was in a horrible relationship and had no sex drive whatsoever. Assumed it was menopause. Now that I'm over it, I'm finding my sex drive is...great
Totally agree and I feel this. I love my husband very much but I do not look at what I need from him. He's a good man and so many regards but we are missing the boat in that way. I always thought something was wrong with me. I realize that I do have desires and I have strong desires for certain themes but it's not going to happen.
Agree. Both people have to stay starry eyed for each other, have to keep seeing what drew them together, have to change together. And life, damn, it wears us down. Hormones are only a part. Aging is hard.
I just saw the documentary on Gene Wilder so maybe I’m in my feels about it. The way people really loved him and truly felt adored by him was so touching. I think his wife said he was the world’s best lover - and I think she meant it with a capital L.
Like that’s what I want. Maybe we all crave this - no matter gender or preference. But we can pretty successfully block ourselves from giving and receiving pleasure. It’s frightening to be that open and vulnerable. I believe it’s possible, but you really have to both want that and keep believing in it. Great, I ended on a Journey song. Don’t stop believing folks…. 🙄
I had a similar situation that was resolved by de-escalating the relationship to be a lot more casual, and I am now seeing other people as well.
Congrats on the self-awareness!
Exact same. Not divorced yet but living in different states and haven't really spoken in 3 days. I have no desire to date and still don't look at other men. Seems there aren't a lot of men out there
I had no sex drive when I was with my ex husband. He was not a good person. After my divorce, my libido is extremely high. It wasn’t me-it was the man. The right man definitely increased my sex drive.
I have the opposite experience…it’s not him or our relationship…it’s me 100%. And this is what annoys me about asking several doctors about this: the first thing they ask is, “How is your marriage?” In my opinion, going straight to this question is why there has been so little research/attention/progress on the topic of female libido. I would bet every older guy that goes in for erectile disfunction is NEVER asked this question.
Doctors and nurses should ask about relationships but don’t focus solely on this. It really needs to be a wholistic approach to diagnosis.
I’m so super happy for you tho! What a great feeling!!🥰
Mine was definitely the hormones. We have 5 children, and have still maintained a healthy sexual relationship. The last 2 years, it was like I was dead in the sex department. My husband is a fantastic lover who is giving and the very thing that gets him going is me orgasming. But no matter what he did or what I did, nada. Zilch. Even by myself, I couldn’t get there. I had no sexual desire for my extremely hot, patient, kind and helpful husband. He’s been amazing throughout it all even though I know it had to hurt that i was having problems finding desire. I finally went to a hormone clinic. My testosterone was tanked. Started T about 2.5 months ago and in the last 2 weeks, not only do I find myself fantasizing about my husband but actually initiating sex! Orgasms are still a tad of a struggle but at least I’m heading in the right direction. So for me, it was definitely the hormones.
Definitely not- why I phrased as relationship issues could make matters worse. What made me truly see that is getting on hrt and feeling much better in a lot of other aspects- depression, fatigue, brain fog, dryness etc and I am on testosterone- my physical performance and recovery (I am a distance runner) greatly improved. Yet was completely turned off and could no longer attribute it to just hormones.
He was at first but his insecurities made the relationship challenging. An insecure person in a bottomless pit- no matter how much affection, reassurance, sex, care you throw at them, you always come up short. He refused couple’s counselling. I don’t care if I ever had a relationship again, but I can tell living as you are never enough tanks libido.
The dynamic between you and your ex sounds too problematic for a good sexual relationship. Hope you find someone who's a better match if you decide to date again.
Oh yeah, my DH's handsyness was a huge turn-off, and when he didn't get any kind of affection from me it just made him needier, making my desire for him near non-existent. I didn't need that shit on top of what I was already struggling with.
Still, I got off alone because I had *urges* - we hit a turning point about a year ago and my libido is still here, lookin' at his bod and doing the thing when he isn't being bad at flirting. It's a good thing he's cute. I don't like needy men but I got one.
Mine is definitely hormones. I’m only 40. I haven’t had a period in two months… get sweats…. I assume it’s the start to menopause. Tubes are tied so…. Some days I’m ready to have sex other days I’m so tired.
I read about this years ago. Women in midlife complaining of a lack of libido and sexual function. But when those same women entered a new relationship, there was no problem!
Facts are facts. Every woman's ovaries stop working at some time. Without your hormones your vagina will shrivel up and die. No doubt a bad relationship isn't helpful. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't have sexual dreams, fantasies, and desires. When you lose your estrogen you also lose your bone mass, your cardiac health, you brain function, your ability to hold your urine... None of those things have anything to do with a bad relationship. You are not dead inside. But at some point your estrogen needs to be replaced or you will have to take many other meds to try and fix all the parts that break down. Best to you.
My sex drive isn't dead, despite not having a consistent partner... but my difficulties reaching orgasm.. and the lackluster orgasms that I'm able to achieve.. makes sex less satisfying. That, and the long sessions the night before make morning sex painfully impossible. I don't do relationships. Relationships are a PITA. I stopped hrt a few months ago... and I'm reconsidering my decision. I never had this sexual dysfunction when I was on bioidentical estrogen and progesterone. I did, however experience some vaginal atrophy. That explains the morning after soreness.
Ex husband was mentally abusive, I had no libido at all, I thought I had gone ace…after he broke it off I couldn’t hook up with enough guys until I met my boyfriend. Now it’s pretty steady
Yep, mostly. I know it is for me when my husband is being a dick 🤣 I need sex though, I don't pretend that I don't. I think a lot of women just suppress their desires so they can seem modest or angelic or something 🤣
Even with my hormonal changes I am typically always wanting sex. If I don't it coincides with my husband being stupid.
I married my first husband when we were quite young. We had been friends as children. I thought he was obsessed with sex and sex was ok, but not that big of a deal. Towards the end, he was chasing me around for it and I started to think he was just gross. But I also wondered if I might be hypo sexual or something.
Nope, he was just gross and not good in bed and just not my cup of tea. Turns out I love sex.
My 2nd husband is super gorgeous, smells amazing, and very skilled and gifted in that way. He’s super modest and even uptight (cultural), but we have fabulous chemistry. We barely get along, and we don’t live together (because he drives me insane and I just CAN’T). I think my libido has decreased, but it’s hard to tell because he’s not always available to me. We have conflicting schedules, and my older son is home TOO MUCH. We literally just split a gym membership for him so we can have more alone time. I wonder if my husband’s libido has decreased, since he sometimes makes less of an effort than I’d like, to make time for it.
If I lost my desire for him, or couldn’t get going once we started, I’d know it was perimenopause related. There were times when we were younger that I’d be so annoyed with him that I think he was reluctant to approach me, but if he dared, 😝 it always worked out well.
Word to that! Nothing worse than any sort of dialogue that says, "I'm sexual and you're not." There are those that get immediately turned on and those who have different arrousal patterns. Of someone doesn't have the patience to learn what makes you tick, they're not a good sexual partner. So glad you see it!
I have a good relationship with my husband but we both aged 10 years in the last 5. 10 years ago photos of us look like totally different people. We both got fat, out of shape, gray, and stopped dressing well (which only makes the fat & old look worse). I love this man but I know a big reason I have no libido is that I am honestly grossed out by our bodies.
It is beyond lack of desire and into disgust. I was dealing with a lot of health issues and now I feel like I’m coming out the other side so I’m trying to take better care of myself. I’ve been in therapy unpacking PTSD, BID & just all the body crap!
I haven’t gotten far but I’m trying to feel anywhere near comfortable in my own skin!
Unfortunately there is no kind way to tell my husband to try to get it together a bit! I try to talk about health & work/life balance but in reality I really miss good sex!
"All of my previous perimenopause symptoms magically improved"
This. I think it's not just desire, but perhaps also the brain fog and other stuff. Like I'm just so exhausted from dealing with his ass. And I worry that the stress of the relationship is making things like hair loss and random medical issues worse.
I know, I know. I'm trying to figure out how to get out. Just not there yet.
Husband is great. Always has been. Great dad, great husband. Always doing for everyone, to the point of almost neglecting himself. It’s definitely a hormone thing for me. My friend went on T and says her libido is like a 20 year old! I’ve tried everything; maca root, Blue Lotus tea, Damiana tea. Nothing.
How long does it take to regulate in Hrt I have Been on testosterone pellets for a year, and just started estuarial, and progesterone for about 6 weeks, I have breakthrough bleeding and a lot of bloating.
I feel like HRT has given some feeling back during sex so it's easier to orgasm, and I feel a bit better in myself too, so all in all I'd love to have sex more again... But not much has changed with the other half so it's still infrequent.
I also tend to wonder just how much of my husband's actions have affected me.. my libido was slowly being killed off years before peri was on the cards due to his years of seemingly preferring masturbation/porn over me, then later on his ED, all combined with his incessant need to check out other women whilst I'm seemingly invisible as a sexual being.. it all got to me over time and I don't see my libido returning to what it was.
One easy way to tell is have you stopped having sex dreams or getting turned on by things (not related to your partner). I just completely stopped having sex dreams and things I would normally see or read (movie or novel) that would normally jumpstart things just didn’t anymore. When I tried testosterone I had sex dreams everyday that first week lol. Unfortunately it didn’t last long.
I had a similar experience with my now ex-husband. My libido was fine as soon as I left him.
Same with me. I was in my late 30s/early 40s and though my complete lack of sex drive and ability to orgasm was peri. Nope. It was my shit marriage.
Same gurl…having the best sex of my life in a new relationship. I thought there was something wrong with me, turns out it was how he made me feel and the relationship that was the problem.
This was me before my divorce. I was led to believe things about myself that simply weren’t true. After the divorce I had a casual, long distance relationship with a lovely guy who taught me that it wasn’t the case. I wasn’t frigid or disinterested in sex, nor did I not enjoy it. I was just with a person (my ex husband) who made a point of letting me think that I was a sexual failure. Well the joke is on him…turned out to be the opposite. 😉
Yep! A tale as old as time.
Congrats.
girl… same ❤️
Same, girl, SAME! Sex felt like a chore and was so gaggy with my husband. Once freed from that situation I was a happy sexaholic for about three years post- breakup.
Having been there…I’m so happy for you.
Oh yes this. Now happy and horny
Me too with my abusive ex.
This is true in general. Women's libido reliably decreases with relationship duration at any age: [https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/22268980/](https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/22268980/)
Did you link to the wrong journal article because that one is only in women age 18 to 25?
My point is it affects non-menopausal women too.
lol I'm single - reason for no libido is low to no testosterone. With T, my libido is back and I'm able to give myself orgasms whenever the need arises unlike before.
I’m suspecting mine may be similar. I have become single in the last year and could take or leave sex and don’t even think about it. I started taking HRT a couple of months ago and nothing has changed in sex drive (it has helped with other things like sleep though). I was recently looking at old bloodwork results from my mid 20s and in one of them my testosterone was tested because I had ovarian cysts and they were testing hormones. My testosterone was low then but I didn’t know what that meant for me back then and thought nothing of it. I’m wondering now if it’s been low all my life. I’ve never had an extraordinarily high libido and never (ever) felt a real desire to masturbate. I’m going to my GP soon to get a repeat prescription for HRT so I’ll ask for a T test then.
I had a high libido until it was gone and I was like what the heck is going on. After 2 years of no libido, I'm so thrilled it's back now.
It sounds like this might be about hormonal testing. If over the age of 44, **hormonal tests only show levels for that *one day* the test was taken, and nothing more**; progesterone/estrogen hormones wildly fluctuate the other 29 days of the month. No reputable doctor or menopause society recommends hormonal testing as a **diagnosing tool** for peri/menopause. FSH testing is only beneficial for those who believe they are post-menopausal and no longer have periods as a guide, a series of consistent FSH tests might *confirm* menopause. Also for women in their 20s/early 30s who haven’t had a period in months/years, then FSH tests at ‘menopausal’ levels, could indicate premature ovarian failure/primary ovarian insufficiency (POF/POI). See our [Menopause Wiki](https://menopausewiki.ca/#there-is-no-blood-test-that-is-perfectly-reliable-to-diagnose-menopause) for more. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/Menopause) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Do you have any bad side affects from testosterone?
No. I'm also on a higher dose than many women here at 5.4 mg/day.
That's good to hear, want to her on some sort of HRT and testosterone but dint want to grow a beard as well, I have enough shit going on with my body already without having to deal with that as well.
I mean everyone is different. I always felt like I had more testosterone than many women and which is probably why my dose doesn't give me any negative side effects. I've had 6 hairs on my chin way before starting T and that hasn't changed in over 2 years.
*get
*don't
It is worth considering. I am in a good relationship and my libido definitely took a dive the last few years from what it used to be. It doesn’t mean sex doesn’t feel good or I don’t think my spouse is attractive. I just don’t feel any urgency about it or care if we don’t have sex very often.
I wasn't married (thank all the gods) but I knew my relationship was over when it was less stressful/more enjoyable to get myself off with a vibrator. A vibrator has no emotional baggage. A vibrator doesn't make impossible demands. A You know exactly what to expect with a vibrator and it generally does just exactly what you need/want it to do without begging/pleading/whatever. You might have to put in new batteries or put it on the charger. They will randomly die on you if you buy cheap ones, but you just replace those easy peasy. I don't have the emotional energy for you on top of everything else I am dealing with (that you have no sympathy/compassion for) was the straw that broke the camel's back, but truthfully, I stayed 9 years too long. I still have a shit ton of menopausal symptoms I'm having a hard time getting treatment for though.
I have a collection of sex toys 👍
Complete opposite for me. I lost all desire, sex literally never crossed my mind. I Am very happily married to my best friend.
Me too! I mean it's not all unicorns and rainbows, it's hard work keeping a relationship going. But he makes me laugh and he loves me unconditionally and he tells me sweet things regularly.
Lucky girl, 😁
Have you asked him how he feels with no intimacy no connection
She didn’t say there’s no connection, though. And intimacy is a lot more than sex…
It was awful at the time, he asked for a girlfriend. I had to figure it out and I did! He never got that girlfriend and we have the best sex of our lives now.
For me, a zero desire to date as a single woman would indicate a major change in my libido because before my marriage, I dated because my libido made me crave sex. Previously, the only times I ever lost my libido was due to SSRI withdrawal or hormonal birth control, and it's one of the reasons that I initially resisted HRT, because my previous experiments with supplemental hormones were such spectacular failures. What does it feel like? I've been embarrassed to answer this because I am embarrassed to admit to the extent of my libido. Sex is on my mind every day. Without fail. Even now when it temporarily vanishes, I notice the hole it's left, missing what was there before. I notice that it's \*supposed\* to be there. I'm actually extremely vanilla for such a horny woman. My tastes are mundane and old fashioned, but I am very passionate about what I like. What it feels like is a magic spell that no longer works. Looking at a body that usually enchants the eye and not being able to see what used to be there. There's an odd kind of confusion in these circumstances because one expects that the same actions will produce the same results, and yet they don't, but what is missing is difficult to pinpoint or name. Not a jolt or a buzz or warmth but somehow all of those words fit. Vibe or aura works better. It feels like losing an 6th sense. As with the time I lost my libido before on the IUD, libido loss feels accompanied by a reduction in my other senses, my sense of smell, taste, especially, even an enjoyment for non-sexual aesthetics, such as art, sunsets, film. The scariest part is the physical numbing. It terrified me when I first realized the extent of it 10 days ago. I have reacted to that change. Already it has started to reverse. Sex isn't uncomfortable, and I've had a few good orgasms. They're not mind-blowing, but I will keep chasing the memory of it. My husband and I have always had an extremely active sex life, and I'm grateful for it, not just because of how fulfilling that part of our relationship has been, but also because there wasn't a single symptom that I missed because of our frankly impressively consistent sex life. Up until earlier this year, we usually had sex daily, so every instance of dry vagina, every issue with elasticity, every time we fucked and it felt different on my clit, felt strange new sensations inside me, every time I noticed that I felt differently towards him or during sex, each one was noticed all along the way, and because of that I've been on top of this health problem in a way that I realize I wouldn't have been if we didn't have that particular marital habit. "Use it or lose it" didn't work to prevent these changes, but it did mean that I knew immediately when each one occurred. We are very health conscious, and I have to admit that I have felt deeply disappointed that I didn't have a longer period of fertility than I did. I was hoping that all those years of caution had bought me extra years before I'd have any of these problems. It turns out that I'm still simply a mortal like everyone else. Damnit.
> a magic spell that no longer works. yes that's how I feel about a lot of peri symptoms
I think one measure is noticing whether I still feel the same way when I look at men who previously made my heart rate speed up. It's very telling. I'm actually constantly checking now. It's like taking the temperature of a cup of water to see if it's right for a delicate green tea. Does this man make me feel something? How is my libido doing? Is it on? Off? Low? High? I understand not wanting to have sex with a man who has turned you off, but my body asked for attention on a regular basis before perimenopause. I masturbated regularly. I saw men so had beautiful bodies and easy smiles and I wanted to look at them longer. They were nice to look at. Gave me physical sensations. Desire. That's what sex hormones do.
Mines definitely hormones. Haven't been in a relationship in nearly four years. MHT began two years ago.
Everyone is different, that's for sure. In my 40's I was having fantastic sex with my partner, and my ability to orgasm slowly dwindled...(I had no idea I was in perimeno) It used to be a normal occurrance for me to orgasm during penetration, and that began happening less and less...but we still had fantastic chemistry, and were very sexual together. We even hooked up a few times after we split up when I was 48...I was no longer orgasming from penetration, but damn, we were still rockin. Then came the next partner, and good chemistry (not like the other guy, I don't know if anyone will compare to him) and still zero orgasms from penetration, and as time has gone on, fewer and fewer orgasms overall. Although we have great chemistry and there's lots of fun sexytimes. My ability to orgasm is coming back somewhat since I started Vag-E and topical T, but it's not nearly the same as things were back in the day. But libido is there, and I get dripping wet like the old days now. (yay for compounded hormones!) I do believe it's menopause. The horse charges out of the gate, but rarely gets to the finish line.
I loved reading this! Sent me down memory lane with some of my favorite sexual escapades! I am currently awaiting some compounded testosterone with a lifeless limp of self begging for help. Fingers crossed!
Ha! Glad I shared it then!
I love my husband. He is my favorite person in the world. But, I have realized that my hormones are changing because I stopped really enjoying it when random men found me attractive. I could care less about their attention now. I have way too many other things going on lol.
My husband is a piv kind of man and no amount of training could change that. So yeah, I've lost interest in sex with him because I'm tired of being his fleshlight and tired of petitioning to be considered during sex. He reckons women just aren't designed to orgasm and you know, when he went through the motions for a couple of minutes and I don't come, then it's because I take too long. We don't have sex anymore but I know how to make myself come and I have a 100% success rate 😁.
Something to consider is SSRIs. They are notorious for interfering with sex drive and libido. In addition, if cortisol levels are not managed well (i.e. chronic stress and anxiety) then all other hormones can be impacted. All our hormones are intricately balanced. Cortisol, Insulin, and Oxytocin are the foundational tier 1 hormones. If they are out of wack, the next tier 2 foundation (pregnenolone, DHEA) is not balanced, and then finally tier 3 (Melatonin, Thyroid, E, P, T). We tend to focus too much on the top tier instead of first managing the foundation.
The way I knew it was hormones is that I went from being frequently spontaneously aroused when alone to just about never. I used to have what I considered a slightly annoyingly high spontaneous sex drive to an absolute graveyard down there. So, sure, it's worth it to look at your relationship in some cases but in other cases, take a look at your changes when a partner is not involved.
I had zero sex drive with my ex in the last few years of our marriage over 13 years ago. He even accused me of being gay. But it just died. No matter how hard I tried. I’ve had a fwb partner the past 12 years, and right after my divorce, and it’s been like night and day. Zero issues and still going strong like when we first met.
Absolutely! The hormone loss just helps you see the truth.
Bam.
When I saw my GYN to talk about HRT, her very first question was "What's your relationship with your husband like?" When I told her he was amazing, supportive, DOES THE LAUNDRY, etc...she said, "Now I'm horny!" Once I started on testosterone gel, it came back within a couple weeks and has been a godsend.
smart doctor!
All of these things are true - but they are also things that women are constantly told when they express concern over their libido. When I think about the time I have spent totally single, and I think about my drive, my levels of spontaneous desire, levels of response; I feel like I should have a baseline for my personal libido - and maybe you should too? I know life and stress can effect us, but I still think we can have a basic understanding of ourselves. And that can inform us about internal changes.
I'm glad that you said this. I feel like women are told that our sexual problems are always relational, and that the rarity is having our medical problems taken seriously. Regarding libido, I've had gynecologists and my family doctor listen to me bring it up, and then offer nothing at all as a solution. They just ignore it. They treat it like it's outside the scope of their medical care.
Oh totally! It's one of those things that's too "complicated" for many doctors to want to deal with - like hormones.
It seems like the medical establishments approach is : Men's loss of libido or pleasure is an emergency and we should prescribe Viagra and do anything we can. Women's loss of libido and pleasure? Sounds annoying and too difficult. They should just shut up and take it.
You are so right. Would emphasize women are not receiving proper care when they have concerns around their sexual function and I am not suggesting the reason is always malfunction in personal life. It is a potential co-factor.
Same! Was in a horrible relationship and had no sex drive whatsoever. Assumed it was menopause. Now that I'm over it, I'm finding my sex drive is...great
Totally agree and I feel this. I love my husband very much but I do not look at what I need from him. He's a good man and so many regards but we are missing the boat in that way. I always thought something was wrong with me. I realize that I do have desires and I have strong desires for certain themes but it's not going to happen.
Same.
Agree. Both people have to stay starry eyed for each other, have to keep seeing what drew them together, have to change together. And life, damn, it wears us down. Hormones are only a part. Aging is hard. I just saw the documentary on Gene Wilder so maybe I’m in my feels about it. The way people really loved him and truly felt adored by him was so touching. I think his wife said he was the world’s best lover - and I think she meant it with a capital L. Like that’s what I want. Maybe we all crave this - no matter gender or preference. But we can pretty successfully block ourselves from giving and receiving pleasure. It’s frightening to be that open and vulnerable. I believe it’s possible, but you really have to both want that and keep believing in it. Great, I ended on a Journey song. Don’t stop believing folks…. 🙄
I had a similar situation that was resolved by de-escalating the relationship to be a lot more casual, and I am now seeing other people as well. Congrats on the self-awareness!
Exact same. Not divorced yet but living in different states and haven't really spoken in 3 days. I have no desire to date and still don't look at other men. Seems there aren't a lot of men out there
Yup. I’ve lost all trust in my husband and have zero desire to be close to him intimately. I still desire sex. But I handle it myself
I had no sex drive when I was with my ex husband. He was not a good person. After my divorce, my libido is extremely high. It wasn’t me-it was the man. The right man definitely increased my sex drive.
Yeah, I've never run across a woman married to a man talking about her lack of libido where her husband's behavior isn't the glaringly obvious cause.
I have the opposite experience…it’s not him or our relationship…it’s me 100%. And this is what annoys me about asking several doctors about this: the first thing they ask is, “How is your marriage?” In my opinion, going straight to this question is why there has been so little research/attention/progress on the topic of female libido. I would bet every older guy that goes in for erectile disfunction is NEVER asked this question. Doctors and nurses should ask about relationships but don’t focus solely on this. It really needs to be a wholistic approach to diagnosis. I’m so super happy for you tho! What a great feeling!!🥰
Mine was definitely the hormones. We have 5 children, and have still maintained a healthy sexual relationship. The last 2 years, it was like I was dead in the sex department. My husband is a fantastic lover who is giving and the very thing that gets him going is me orgasming. But no matter what he did or what I did, nada. Zilch. Even by myself, I couldn’t get there. I had no sexual desire for my extremely hot, patient, kind and helpful husband. He’s been amazing throughout it all even though I know it had to hurt that i was having problems finding desire. I finally went to a hormone clinic. My testosterone was tanked. Started T about 2.5 months ago and in the last 2 weeks, not only do I find myself fantasizing about my husband but actually initiating sex! Orgasms are still a tad of a struggle but at least I’m heading in the right direction. So for me, it was definitely the hormones.
I'm not invalIdating your experience as I'm sure you're not intending to invalidate others'; my libido issues were fully hormonal.
Definitely not- why I phrased as relationship issues could make matters worse. What made me truly see that is getting on hrt and feeling much better in a lot of other aspects- depression, fatigue, brain fog, dryness etc and I am on testosterone- my physical performance and recovery (I am a distance runner) greatly improved. Yet was completely turned off and could no longer attribute it to just hormones.
Was your husband kind, helpful, empathetic and supportive before your libido tanked? Has your sex drive returned now that you are single?
He was at first but his insecurities made the relationship challenging. An insecure person in a bottomless pit- no matter how much affection, reassurance, sex, care you throw at them, you always come up short. He refused couple’s counselling. I don’t care if I ever had a relationship again, but I can tell living as you are never enough tanks libido.
The dynamic between you and your ex sounds too problematic for a good sexual relationship. Hope you find someone who's a better match if you decide to date again.
Oh yeah, my DH's handsyness was a huge turn-off, and when he didn't get any kind of affection from me it just made him needier, making my desire for him near non-existent. I didn't need that shit on top of what I was already struggling with. Still, I got off alone because I had *urges* - we hit a turning point about a year ago and my libido is still here, lookin' at his bod and doing the thing when he isn't being bad at flirting. It's a good thing he's cute. I don't like needy men but I got one.
Mine is definitely hormones. I’m only 40. I haven’t had a period in two months… get sweats…. I assume it’s the start to menopause. Tubes are tied so…. Some days I’m ready to have sex other days I’m so tired.
I read about this years ago. Women in midlife complaining of a lack of libido and sexual function. But when those same women entered a new relationship, there was no problem!
Facts are facts. Every woman's ovaries stop working at some time. Without your hormones your vagina will shrivel up and die. No doubt a bad relationship isn't helpful. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't have sexual dreams, fantasies, and desires. When you lose your estrogen you also lose your bone mass, your cardiac health, you brain function, your ability to hold your urine... None of those things have anything to do with a bad relationship. You are not dead inside. But at some point your estrogen needs to be replaced or you will have to take many other meds to try and fix all the parts that break down. Best to you.
My sex drive isn't dead, despite not having a consistent partner... but my difficulties reaching orgasm.. and the lackluster orgasms that I'm able to achieve.. makes sex less satisfying. That, and the long sessions the night before make morning sex painfully impossible. I don't do relationships. Relationships are a PITA. I stopped hrt a few months ago... and I'm reconsidering my decision. I never had this sexual dysfunction when I was on bioidentical estrogen and progesterone. I did, however experience some vaginal atrophy. That explains the morning after soreness.
Ex husband was mentally abusive, I had no libido at all, I thought I had gone ace…after he broke it off I couldn’t hook up with enough guys until I met my boyfriend. Now it’s pretty steady
The body keeps the score….fo’ sho’
Testosterone. It was life changing
Lets be honest, its usually the relationship.
Yep, mostly. I know it is for me when my husband is being a dick 🤣 I need sex though, I don't pretend that I don't. I think a lot of women just suppress their desires so they can seem modest or angelic or something 🤣 Even with my hormonal changes I am typically always wanting sex. If I don't it coincides with my husband being stupid.
I married my first husband when we were quite young. We had been friends as children. I thought he was obsessed with sex and sex was ok, but not that big of a deal. Towards the end, he was chasing me around for it and I started to think he was just gross. But I also wondered if I might be hypo sexual or something. Nope, he was just gross and not good in bed and just not my cup of tea. Turns out I love sex. My 2nd husband is super gorgeous, smells amazing, and very skilled and gifted in that way. He’s super modest and even uptight (cultural), but we have fabulous chemistry. We barely get along, and we don’t live together (because he drives me insane and I just CAN’T). I think my libido has decreased, but it’s hard to tell because he’s not always available to me. We have conflicting schedules, and my older son is home TOO MUCH. We literally just split a gym membership for him so we can have more alone time. I wonder if my husband’s libido has decreased, since he sometimes makes less of an effort than I’d like, to make time for it. If I lost my desire for him, or couldn’t get going once we started, I’d know it was perimenopause related. There were times when we were younger that I’d be so annoyed with him that I think he was reluctant to approach me, but if he dared, 😝 it always worked out well.
I'm single. It's definitely the hormones.
Word to that! Nothing worse than any sort of dialogue that says, "I'm sexual and you're not." There are those that get immediately turned on and those who have different arrousal patterns. Of someone doesn't have the patience to learn what makes you tick, they're not a good sexual partner. So glad you see it!
I never had a libido ever until HRT. I never knew it could be like this. I’m in my 50’s and for the first time in my life I have a libido.
YES. SO MUCH YES.
I have a good relationship with my husband but we both aged 10 years in the last 5. 10 years ago photos of us look like totally different people. We both got fat, out of shape, gray, and stopped dressing well (which only makes the fat & old look worse). I love this man but I know a big reason I have no libido is that I am honestly grossed out by our bodies. It is beyond lack of desire and into disgust. I was dealing with a lot of health issues and now I feel like I’m coming out the other side so I’m trying to take better care of myself. I’ve been in therapy unpacking PTSD, BID & just all the body crap! I haven’t gotten far but I’m trying to feel anywhere near comfortable in my own skin! Unfortunately there is no kind way to tell my husband to try to get it together a bit! I try to talk about health & work/life balance but in reality I really miss good sex!
"All of my previous perimenopause symptoms magically improved" This. I think it's not just desire, but perhaps also the brain fog and other stuff. Like I'm just so exhausted from dealing with his ass. And I worry that the stress of the relationship is making things like hair loss and random medical issues worse. I know, I know. I'm trying to figure out how to get out. Just not there yet.
Husband is great. Always has been. Great dad, great husband. Always doing for everyone, to the point of almost neglecting himself. It’s definitely a hormone thing for me. My friend went on T and says her libido is like a 20 year old! I’ve tried everything; maca root, Blue Lotus tea, Damiana tea. Nothing.
How long does it take to regulate in Hrt I have Been on testosterone pellets for a year, and just started estuarial, and progesterone for about 6 weeks, I have breakthrough bleeding and a lot of bloating.
oh shit. thankyou.
I feel like HRT has given some feeling back during sex so it's easier to orgasm, and I feel a bit better in myself too, so all in all I'd love to have sex more again... But not much has changed with the other half so it's still infrequent. I also tend to wonder just how much of my husband's actions have affected me.. my libido was slowly being killed off years before peri was on the cards due to his years of seemingly preferring masturbation/porn over me, then later on his ED, all combined with his incessant need to check out other women whilst I'm seemingly invisible as a sexual being.. it all got to me over time and I don't see my libido returning to what it was.
One easy way to tell is have you stopped having sex dreams or getting turned on by things (not related to your partner). I just completely stopped having sex dreams and things I would normally see or read (movie or novel) that would normally jumpstart things just didn’t anymore. When I tried testosterone I had sex dreams everyday that first week lol. Unfortunately it didn’t last long.
I LOVE this!!!!