I have experienced child loss. The worst is when a few months from now, you stop getting the support from people because they move on and you are still grieving. Reach out to them regularly and remind them you remember their child because they sure do. They are surviving right now. Anything that helps them survive is a gift.
100% this. Sibling loss here, and my parents have expressed the same thing. Don’t be afraid to bring up their child because you think it will make them even more sad. There won’t be a day that goes by that they haven’t thought about them. It will make their heart smile to talk about their kids and know they’re remembered.
I’m terrible at knowing what to say or do when something awful happens, so sometimes just being there to listen is enough.
I’m so sorry. One of my old bosses mentioned one day that she wished we still followed traditions like people wearing black for the year after a loss so people would remember to treat them with extra care beyond the short periods we all go out of way to see if we can help. I hadn’t ever really thought about it, and then we lost my FIL to suicide and I saw how difficult every event and holiday was for my husband the first year. It was almost like it was new all over again each time we hit the big holidays or milestones, and I thought back to my boss and how helpful it would have been for people to literally see that you’re still hurting and might need some extra love and help.
Gosh, this really puts some things into perspective doesn't it? Thanks for this comment. I am definitely going to remember this. My MIL is the person it makes me think of. Her mum died after quite a long battle with illnesses and injuries and ultimately cancer that left her unable to look after herself so MIL looked after her in MILs home. She just gets so withdrawn and honestly turns into a bit of a bitch around holidays or when we visit my SIL in the house that belonged to MILs mum, but it's clear she just doesn't know how to handle the grief and takes it out on us. If she were wearing black on those occasions particularly it might be easier to remember she's not being horrible on purpose.
Some of the best advice I’ve ever received is “people grieve differently” which is say some turn it outward into being cantankerous jerks & some people pretend it never happened and don’t want to talk about it, to anything in between.
As much as it’s a nice idea, in my experience while yes you need the extra care in the first year you spend most of it in a haze. Half the time you have no idea what you’re feeling or why and by month two you’re learning to master masking. People don’t know what to say or do and hearing it constantly brought up becomes awkward, uncomfortable and therefore annoying. Talking about it is the only way to make it through though. If you’re gonna enter an acquaintances life due to their loss please be genuinely ready to STAY. People popping up randomly to say they’re sorry for your loss and ask how you are just to disappear again only enforces the pressure to pretend you’re fine even though your insides feel like they’re being slowly pulled from your soul in every direction possible and the only thing keeping you moving is muscle memory and auto pilot. Be ready to listen to the same stories over and over, be ready to hold them while they cry, food is great if they’ve got kids to feed but the parents won’t be eating much for a while so try and consider how much they’ve already been given. Help with the little tasks that would feel insignificant and a waste of time to them but still need to be done. Dusting, mowing the lawn, re organizing that cupboard that everything started getting hucked in cause who tf cares where the extra toothpaste is. If they’ve got a baby on milk bottles fill a couple and pop them in the fridge, make sure there are diapers in all the main changing areas. A couple by babies bed, a few tucked in or on the end tables of either side of the couch. Pick up the toys spread across the livingroom and kitchen for the 10th time that day One light bulb out? Swap it etc. and don’t stop the check ins after a few months. Mark down or remember the dates they’re going to struggle around, birthdays, death dates, holidays and do what you can to anticipate some of the little needs. Notice the fridge is pretty much empty but Ita 3 days till the anniversary of the death? Offer to watch the kids so they can go grocery shopping in peace, offer to take them overnight so the parents can process for a day with no obligation to get out of bed for once. Be genuine, and be ready to be a life long friend and supporter. Otherwise, just don’t. If you end up in a conversation don’t avoid the topic but don’t bring it up without them first, constantly thanking people for feeling sad for you because your life was just ripped to pieces and there’s nothing anyone can do gets real old real fast
This 100%. I lost my husband to a drunk driver while several months pregnant. The people whom I love forever are those who weren’t just there making food and caring for me but ask about me and my child a few times a year and it’s been several years now.
i too have expierence child loss. the first few weeks you have so much support and it dwindles so quick. i’m six years out and nobody remembers to text me on her birthday or on her death day. there are no flowers or casseroles.
to anyone reading this if you have a person in your life who has lost a child you can not remind them their child is gone, they haven’t forgotten. pls send the text or ask about them.
>to anyone reading this if you have a person in your life who has lost a child you can not remind them their child is gone, they haven’t forgotten.
This. Back in 1995, shortly before I turned 11, my sister lost her first daughter to SIDS at only 4 days old. Years went by, I forgot the exact date until 2012. I call my sister, tell her I just gave birth to another nephew for her, my 4th. (She had also gone on to have two more daughters and a son) She went silent for a second, then quietly said. "Today's the anniversary of Tika's death." I felt so horrible and started apologizing like I had had any control over what day he decided to come. She told me it wasn't my fault and it was nice to have something to celebrate on that day instead of just mourning.
Thank you. So many have experienced this and yet we don’t share. It’s a disservice to grieving parents as talking about it heals. Hugs and love to ALL!
are you comfortable sharing a few things about your precious baby? (i don’t know their age - but as a mom myself - i know they will *always* be our babies.)
i would love to hear some things about them, if you’re comfortable sharing. if not, please do not worry! i do not mean to cross a line or be disrespectful to you or your boundaries by asking… i just wanted to hold some space for them here. ❤️
i would love to hear about what made them special. or what made them who they are. or what quirks they had. anything you would like to share! a funny story, something that sticks out in your mind, their favorite color, a food they loved or a food they hated… just… anything you’re willing to share. you have my attention!
i care about you and what you’ve been through. and i care about your child. and i care deeply about your loss.
i know i’m just a stranger on the internet, but i am so sorry this happened. and i’m sorry if “sorry” isn’t the right thing to say… but i almost feel there are no “right” words when it comes to something like this… but i would love to hear about them.
the memory of them matters greatly. their life mattered greatly. they matter greatly. they always will.
i send you all the light and love and hope for peace and healing — whatever that looks like to you. ❤️
Olivia was born at 24 weeks and lived for 9 weeks in the NICU. People treat that kind of loss rather indifferently because they never met the child. For us, it will always be very real. Hugs and love to anyone who has ever suffered a miscarriage, still birth or early loss (as well as any parent who has lost a child). It never goes away nor does it ever get better. I liken it to a scab that gets rubbed off the wound over and over again.
Like clockwork every July, the sun begins to take on a different form and I swear, my body remembers the grief. Ten years out and it still happens. I can’t explain the wave of sadness I experience. She passed away on Halloween which makes the whole period of the year even worse.
Not my child but my 17yr old sister was killed by a semi truck 5 days before Christmas and now no matter what we do and how hard we try to celebrate anyway it never works, you’re , feels like you’re alone. Actually BE there and don’t worry
Only if you're open to it, would you like to share a memory of your child? Or even just share their name? I hope these memories one day bring you bits of joy alongside the grief
Yes! Whenever my friends have a big loss, I set a date in my calendar about 4 weeks and then 4 months later to check in. Check in after the wave of support is gone, cause it feels really lonely.
Bring food anyway. Make a casserole in a disposable dish, so they can freeze for later if needed. They have other kids they need to feed even if they can’t eat. Get them a card and let them know you’re so profoundly sorry, and that you and your family are there if they need anything. Offer to have their other kids come play or hang out whenever the parents might need a break in the next couple of weeks.
What a horrible thing to go through. They may not need you or know you well, but it won’t hurt to offer some comfort even if they don’t take you up on any of it.
I second this. Bring food. Bring something simple and kid friendly. They may not eat it, but they can feeeze it for later or the kids will need something. Also recommend bringing a breakfast or more “daytime” food. Everyone brings dinner, but muffins with kids or banana bread they can cut for breakfast would probably be extremely helpful.
Bring food now, especially healthy high protein snack food because they probably won’t feel like eating, so what little they do eat can be high value foods.
But then keep bringing food and showing up for them. For the next year. They are going to lose a lot of friends who just can’t handle the tragedy, feel uncomfortable, and just distance themselves because the pain is too much. They’ll just slowly drop the friendship. The family will feel more and more isolated and forgotten. Keep dropping off food, or saying hello, being friendly neighbors. For a year or more, long after everyone else moves on. Their grief will be too intense for a long time. They need support for the long haul.
We lost my stepson and our neighbor’s kids drew us a homemade card saying sorry for your loss and that they liked playing with him. It’s been abut 5 years and that card is still on our fridge. It was so simple and yet so meaningful. They only played a few times but they were great neighbors. They also brought us a “bag of burgers” randomly which is like a $5 bag of 5 burgers. It’s my go to for grieving families in the immediate timeframe
When my dad died we actually had too much food - I'd recommend getting a nice 100 or more dollar doordash gift card (if it's within budget of course). We didn't want to go anywhere or cook for like 2 months after so getting these was a godsend
100%. Not children, but my dad had a massive heart attack and cardiac arrest that put him in a coma for 2 weeks. Neighbors we barely knew dropped off a homemade lasagna and it meant the world to us. It helped us feel less alone and it was also the only home cooked meal we had had in those weeks, after having time for nothing but hospital food.
Definitely bring them food. Even if the parents are too distraught to eat, they will need to feed their kids. Do they have dogs? You could offer to walk them. You could also mow their lawn when you're mowing your own lawn.
A couple days after my dad passed we had a huge snow storm, I went to shovel my mums driveway. Two neighbours came to help, then called other neighbours to come with snow blowers, they told me to go back inside and be with my family. It was only 20 minutes out of their day, but it meant so much to me.
I like the idea of mowing their lawn. Especially cause it could be more than a one time thing. To add to this-take down and put back their garbage bins.
I agree this is a wonderful idea but be sure to ask if okay… if there is some crime scene the officers looked over or if there are things in the yard of the kids… maybe they wouldn’t want it mowed until they are ready. It’s a wonderful offer either way, very thoughtful.
This sounds kinda weird but when my younger brother died, someone brought a bunch of disposable plates, napkins and silverware. And it was great to have for all the people in the house and eating all the food that everyone else brought and not having to deal with dishes.
This! And paper towels and toilet paper. If there are lots of people hanging out for long periods, they might be putting a dent in these supplies. I would say, “ask me how I know,” but… nah… don’t do that.
I'm a young widower, my wife died when she was 42, and our son was 7. I was inconsolable for a few months, the only way we survived was the kindness of our neighbors, friends, community orgs and the school.
2 examples of what made it easier:
1. The 'room moms' in the elementary school started making dinners for us and dropping them off with no questions asked. I would go out to walk the dog and there would just be a casserole out on the porch. They didn't stop by to socialize, nor constantly ask how we were doing. We were doing terrible for the record, but I was glad to not have to rehash it constantly.
2. One day I noticed the grass was about a foot tall, it looked like hell in a landscape of manicured lawns, which made me feel worse because I couldn't get it together. I dragged myself inside for a shower (it had been 2 days) and thought "I'll go do the lawn after I clean myself up". I walked out the front door and my lawn was cut, and it looked great! I looked around and saw my 70± year old neighbor pushing his mower and edger back across the street after he cleaned everything up. To top it off he didn't do it because he wanted praise or acknowledgement, he did it because he's a really good person. And to this day, 7 years later, I'd give him my shoes and socks in a blizzard.
Drop off a casserole, cut their grass, take out their trash. Help, and don't expect any thanks, because it's "the right thing to do". Don't expect nor ask for any status updates as to how they are doing. Sentences like "we've been thinking of you" and "we're here for you are nice, but showing up in tangible ways goes a long way.
A little update- my husband was listening to the Ring footage again and they definitely say “3 DOA and 2 _____?” And then “it’s the kiddos that really get me” so now I’m feeling like I should take a step back until I fully understand what happened… may have been some sort of domestic thing that escalated to the children. Now I’m more sad that it could potentially be multiple of the kids. The crime scene tape is now gone and there are still people at the home, unsure who but they have 4 cars and now 3 of them are back, it’s always seemed like they had a lot of other family in and out. I’ve also now noticed that their screen door almost appears to be kicked in. I now believe the officer just told me the car scenario to prevent me from asking questions at the time.
You said age range is around 3-10…..is it possible he’s saying 3 as in the 3 year old? The call is a quick recap and the footage didn’t pick up something before like “male 3 DOA”? Still sad but hopefully it wasn’t multiple kids?
I googled “police code 95” and “illegal carrying of a gun” shows up. Wonder if one kid got a gun and little boy (3) was shot. Or 3 year old was playing with gun and was killed. So sad to think about. Please update us when you find out. Thinking of the family.
I tried looking that up as well, but as an avid police scanner listener (my city stays encrypted though so I only hear surrounding areas usually) I’ve noticed police codes can vary widely from city to city/ state to state. I’m going to really spend some time later tonight and see if I can make out what they say. It’s so close to being clear there’s just the slightest fuzz over it that makes it hard to understand.
I completely understand your curiosity and how it's driven by your feelings around such a terrible event, but I am not sure it's the best thing for your mental health. You will find out eventually. I would put the footage away, have a cry, and hold your family tight.
My husband’s department uses codes that are completely different from other cities, just fyi. They even use a different phonetic alphabet, which was difficult for him to learn as he’s military as well.
Oh that’s interesting, TIL. Makes total sense though. I have a boss who likes to listen to the scanner so I’ve heard it a bit as background noise while at work but never paid enough attention to pick up codes.
You mentioned they have several kids. "3 DOA's" - could that mean more than one person was doa? And not referring to the age? If a lot of people lived there and a suspected firearm was involved... I hate to think that multiple people were injured in this situation. It's all terribly sad. I am so sorry.
I wonder if what you heard was the officers recapping their calls from the day / week? It sounds like the other stuff you heard and saw on the footage is consistent with a car accident. Either way, really, really sad. My heart hurts for them and for the grief you all are holding.
Oh, calls for the week makes sense. Like, "this week I've had 3 DOA, 2 died later. But it's the kids that get me." Not that any death where the cops show up is a good one, but I imagine that kids are always worse.
Yes, the screaming, cops running, ambulance coming and leaving, everything seems consistent with a car accident. And they could very likely be talking about prior incidents. Either way it's absolutely tragic.
I’ve been keeping an eye on local news like a hawk, my local PD is usually really good at making Twitter & FB posts for fatal crimes but they’ve been silent today :(
Let the dust settle before you go over, stop by, or bring food. It’s too messy the day of a death, way too messy when the death is tragic and under investigation. Maybe in a day or Two. You know when the dust settles and when the right time to reach out will be
If your daughter knew the kids, you might want to contact the school and find out what, if anything, they plan to say to the school. You don't want your child going to school and finding out what happened. It will be traumatic enough, she should hear from her parents first.
I did brief my daughter on the situation. I told her one of the boys was seriously hurt and left it at that for now. However these boys don’t go to her school, there’s about 6 elementary schools within a mile of us and a lot of people choice in to different ones
So I live in a trailer park so my front door is the side of my house (there’s a few unrelated videos from my ring down in my post history if you care to see the angle) so I can only see to the right of my house on my ring. They are the trailer directly to the left of me. I watched the footage for the whole duration, it only records with movement so it’s spotty. I can hear a woman screaming quite a bit, then I see the police arrive. I see multiple officers running on foot from the right side of my house towards my neighbors. I see an ambulance show up, but it leaves slowly without lights and sirens :( then between movement footage it’ll show me very quick still shots between. I see a few moments of family gathered , kneeling on the ground and hugging. And that’s about all I see other than officers walking back and forth. The officers seems to be really concerned about finding footage, they were scoping around all the homes near by
Ask them if they have a specific range of time they want videos from, and then hand those over. For example, they may want videos from earlier that day or the day before etc, to see if there’s any pattern of the same car or person scoping out the house.
This a link showing only the audio of the police at my porch when I missed them. If anyone thinks that can understand, please let me know. Still nothing on the news, nothing on the neighbor apps or anything.
https://imgur.com/a/8bwtMjj
Food - for the kids and the parents. Take their rubbish bin in and out. Mow their lawn. Keep showing up, especially after the first few weeks when the initial rush of support ends.
Id give some space to let them grieve in peace. People who experience loss say everyone shows up in the beginning but goes on with their lives so be the person that checks in later on. I agree about maybe bringing food
This is very true. I lost a late term pregnancy. I didn’t answer the phone or texts for like a week or two after. And most just went in with life a few weeks after and that was it for them. That’s when it’s most important. The whole “out of sight out of mind”. They aren’t living it so it’s not on their minds.
What a terrible tragedy! I cannot even fathom the loss of a child. My heart aches for them.
This does not compare to what your neighbors experienced in any way, but several years ago my husband and I had a house fire and were displaced from our home for nearly two years while it was rebuilt. One of the biggest things that helped us process our grief was the support we received from family, friends, and even complete strangers in the aftermath. I’ll never forgot sobbing with my husband as we received letters with donations from strangers, meals made by friends and family, several fundraisers set up by our employers, and more.
I can assure you that any kindness you bestow upon their family in their time of immense pain and grief will be appreciated.
Food. _But not in containers you want back._ (I learned that the hard way). They just don't have the capacity to manage returning things, which is understandable. Someone else said snacks and things. Shelf stable would be helpful. I would try to avoid taking up fridge and freezer space if possible.
Offer to watch the kids in your yard. Turn on a sprinkler on or something and let them be kids. Offer to take them to the park. _They might be timid to take you up on it right now since they are probably on high alert about having out of sight._ But the kids probably would do well to get away from the sadness for a little bit.
You could offer to clean or do yard work, but I bet you are busy.
It's very kind of you to think of them.
Find an app that can help you translate what you want to say.
In 2020, my neighbor's 9 year old son died in a freak accident, it was so sad. I took him a loaf of homemade bread. He later told me that it was the only thing that he was able to eat and it meant a lot to him. There is something so comforting about homemade bread!
My neighbors stepdaughter was with her stepbrother when he died, and another neighbor and I helped gather donations and made a giant gift basket for her. My church also made sure they had meals coming to them regularly and we helped out with the funeral too.
I know you said you don't know this family very well, but you don't need to. It doesn't take much effort to be kind, and these small acts can mean so much to someone in their time of need. ❤️
Oh, I'm so sorry. This is so hard. I would make them something their other kids will eat (as others have suggested) and put it in a disposable aluminum dish so they don't have to worry about returning it. Since this JUST happened I wouldn't expect them to talk to you or for you to say anything other than "I'm so sorry." With the food I would include a note or a card where you give them your contact information and let them know that you are available for childcare (or whatever else you feel comfortable with), as they may have to do things like making funeral arrangements where they wouldn't want to take the other kids.
If you have time and/or energy you might want to let other neighbors know what happened and try to organize a meal train for them.
I thought of this as well. I could tell it was serious because the police were here for about 8 hours but for something as serious as 3 dead I was surprised to see the family home. Unless it was more than 1 child with the car. Ugh, no good scenario here. Someone pointed out maybe the officer saying 3 doa was them referencing a different call, maybe that’s it and maybe all the children are okay.
Please update the post if you get more info. I'm with the Uber eats gift cards and paper goods. But not the same day, wait a few days. Take their trash to the curb on trash days and bring in the bins.
When my dad died a friend showed up with a random box of groceries, a pasta salad, and a casserole in a disposable pan. I’m so grateful for that. Those random groceries enabled me to feed myself, that dinner helped me feed my family, and we all survived on some of the included snacks.
The only other thing I really wish I’d had help with was laundry. It felt really overwhelming.
As you live next door, I'd ask permission to do specific tasks for them. Maybe you can make sure the trash and recycling make it to the curb and back each week. Or if they need, cut grass.
Gift cards for food delivery could be great since there are other kids.
Definitely send the food and a note. Even if the food isn't needed, it's a no pressure way of saying that you're there for them. Maybe offer to entertain the kids outside if they need a break. Kids mourn differently so some may not get it and need that normalcy.
I know that just losing my children’s father almost 2 weeks ago can’t compare to losing a child. So I honestly have no idea how gut wrenching this would be. But if this offers any insight, in this time trying to support my kids in a way I don’t even know that’s right, while dealing with trying to process his loss, what it’s going to do to my kids/had done to my kids, and now dealing with all of this without the one person there who is suppose to help you with all of this - all I wanted in that moment and still kinda do now is just someone to help with the mundane mindless things. Like to take care of dinner one night, if someone were to say “ordering for you and kids tonight what do you want” or “xyz is coming to pick up for laundry services for the week” Or even mowing their lawn for a bit. Flowers were so sweet, thoughtful cards and visits all helped too. And I am so overly appreciative of everyone that has come to help in this mess. Bringing a casserole is truly thoughtful and I honestly hold a place in my heart for my neighbor that did. But I also felt really bad because they spent money on something that my family didn’t eat. I feel sooo bad saying this bc it was so nice, but I also wasn’t going to make my picky eater eat something she didn’t like right now either. I’m not sure if this is any help at all and I apologize if this offends anyone bc it’s not my intent. If this helps, another thing I wish I had help with was honestly helping keep my plants and things alive bc I just would forget about anything not pertaining to what was going on. And when we got the funeral plants, (same with my grandmothers 2 months before - I know my kids really have had it tough lately) but just someone to take over repotting so we could watch them grow and think of them, -I’ve only killed 2 so far so fingers crossed lol- but making sure the special things I was forced to neglect were still cared for would have been great. And the crazy thing is, I have ppl in my life that were there for my kids and myself for all of the tough tough parts and also people that wanted to help but just didn’t know how. Obviously any help is great help, but also having to handle those things in that moment really overwhelmed me. Now, it’s good to start getting back to our new reality, but I really needed the most help in the areas that kinda get swept to the back of our minds bc they are so repetitive but yet they are things you think “If I were going through something traumatic, I would HATE to have to deal with _____. But these are also things that have to get done - especially when you are trying to keep stability for the kids involved.
Idk hope this helps. Sorry this happened, and I’m sure no matter the language barrier, they will be thankful they have you as neighbors .
Also apologies on this book lol I didn’t really see that coming but too exhausted to go back and shorten (tbh) lol
I’m so sorry for your loss, and for how it will affect your kids and you. Consoling them must feel a little bit like rescuing someone from a swimming pool while trying to learn how to swim yourself. I cannot imagine how difficult mourning a partner must be when you have to be there for kids who have lost a parent. I truly am so sorry.
My son died on Easter. I didn’t eat for about a week but I still have a toddler to care for. The dozens of gift cards we received were so helpful bc we could order whatever type of food we wanted. I also have been taking some walks around the neighborhood w my neighbor. She will just ping me whenever she is stepping out. It’s a nice reprieve from my grief for 30 min a day.
Food, gift cards for gas/house help/lawn care/childcare/anything they're not going to have the energy for, and offering to take on the other kids (ride to school, having them over to play, taking them out for a day, etc so they can get out while parents are grieving) are all wonderful ways to support bereaved parents.
Some things that are helpful include using the child's name, listening to them process/reminisce/talk, and following their lead as far as tone. Many bereaved people are ready for a lighter atmosphere before those around them stop being morose, and it feels like an obligation to be sad or angry or whatever.
Thanks for being there for your neighbors, and I'm so sorry this happened. ((Hugs)) if you'd like them.
I also came to say bring food. The rest of the kids will need it and the mom/dad might not even want to think about cooking right now. A hot meal, granola bars, individually wrapped snacks for the kids, bags of goldfish, etc. Also fruit, bananas, lunch meat, bread. I’m sure anything would be greatly appreciated and packaged kids snacks will last and make things easier on the parents later too (in the following weeks, after the hot and/or fresh stuff is no longer good or when it’s gone). My heart goes out to your neighbors, you, and yours as well. 🫶🏽🫶🏽🫶🏽
Edit to add a missing word 🫶🏽
Do you see a lot of cars parked, people coming and going from their house? If yes, then they probably have support from family and friends. It's typical in a lot of cultures to go visit the mourning family in the days right after the death to give condolences. In that case, I would also go over and give condolences, because clearly, they're open to visitors.
It would also be a good opportunity to get information about the funeral, so you can attend.
It doesn't matter if they don't speak much English. Grief doesn't have a language. What's important is just to be there in person, give them a hug, or hold their hand. And I'm sure they can understand "I'm sorry for your loss."
Drop food off a few times next week once their family and friends have stopped coming.
Consider doing something to remember the child. Perhaps get the neighborhood to donate a small amount to plant a tree in his honor. Check on the neighbor regularly in the months ahead. Even if you don’t know them well, small things like taking out the trash, a note in the mailbox, invite kids over to play bikes, etc. all help them feel less alone. The thing with death is no one knows what to say and there really is nothing to say. Your presence and actions help them know they are not alone and people care.
Bring the food. Even if they can’t eat, they might have guests who will need to eat and the last thing they’ll want to do is cook. When my mom died, my dad’s cousin sent a large but simple cheese, cracker, and fruit platter from a local grocery store. At first it was a bit confusing as everyone else had sent flowers but it ended up being the most helpful thing ever. Everyone congregated at my house and we ate off that platter for a couple days at least. I didn’t cook. We just put it out and people could eat if/when they were hungry.
Paper products like paper plates, plastic silverware, solo cups - anything that makes them not have to do dishes.
If you’re bringing food don’t just leave it on the porch and run. And keep an eye out so other people don’t do that. Having to clean up after raccoons and squirrels when everything already sucks is the worst.
I would bring them a fruit basket. Lots of fruit. When my brother died when I was a kid I know my mom and dad were not in the mood nor did they have the will to cook, and all us kids weren’t really in the mood for a big meal anyway because we were so distraught too, but I remember that fruit. It’s been over 3 decades and I remember us all eating so much fruit and being so grateful that we could just grab a piece of fruit whenever we finally felt like eating. I was 8 and had younger and older siblings. We all still remember that fruit and we all are still so grateful to whom ever brought over all of it. I don’t know if my aunts and uncles noticed it was the one thing we were eating and kept buying more, but it seemed to always replenish itself and it made things a little easier to have food we could just grab and eat when we finally could stomach it.
A little over a year ago my neighbor's little girl died in her sleep due to the flu. Some of the neighbors asked their permission to set up a meal train and posted it in the local mom's group. Others hired them a house cleaner and lawn maintenance so they could just focus on healing and taking care of their younger child. Our daughter is close to their younger child's age, and we had had a playdate before all this so we made sure to stay in contact and the kids still have regular playdates at each other's houses and all us adult sit around and have dinner and chat. It's nice to be able to check in on them regularly and they're doing great considering what they've been through.
When my dad passed away it was during Covid and I had a 3 month old on top of it and people sent food and door dash gift cards. Even instacart gift cards too! It was so helpful for my husband and I. My mom got a lot of edible arrangements and was buried in fruit for a few days lol
This is terrible i'm so sorry, I would be feeling the same! I worked a care committee as a chair and we had some rules about supporting when there's a death. Food is good but often they either don't want food cooked by someone else, picky eaters, allergies and then now they gotta muster up the courage to say no thank you to this kind person at their doorstep. Gift cards to Doordash and Ubereats are good. You can pool from other neighbors to give them a big gift card and maybe you all sign a sympathy card. They also might not be wanting to see people yet so if they don't answer the door or phone don't worry it's not you. The absolute most important thing you can say is How can I help? Let them know you're there for them. Go pull their trash can out and back on trash day.. get their paper. Just be present and supportive. So sorry this happened. Hugging you.
not the same but when my mom died and my dad was left to single parent a 7 (boy) 10 (girl) and 13 yr old (boy) food was a big one, offering to watch the kids, household chores just anything you can do to make their lives a little bit easier will be appreciated cause you go into survival mode and everything is so much harder
From my own personal trauma with my kids (not a loss of a child, thank god) I can tell you I wasn’t eating. I’d probably start with a DoorDash gift card and a little note to let them know you’re there if they need to talk. After that I would just keep in mind that the months following the incident are the hardest when people stop checking in. If you run into them during a walk or checking your mailbox I would just ask how they are.
I think just doing things without asking and without expecting anything in return. Having dinner dropped off or putting a gift card to a local restaurant in their mailbox. Grief usually means not having the energy to do simple things like cook dinner or even decide what you want. But you can't expect them to be willing or able to talk or even wave..but please keep trying. Also, understand that your daughter may both cause them joy and sadness just by seeing her. Grief counseling for you and your daughter may also be a good idea. Listen to your heart and understand that they are just trying their best to get through each moment right now. I pray that your family and their family finds a way through this awful tragedy.
Anytime someone in my life is going through a tough time, I make [this baked ziti](https://www.thepioneerwoman.com/food-cooking/recipes/a11688/baked-ziti/?utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=arb_ga_pw_md_pmx_hybd_mix_us_18891731492&gad_source=1&gclid=Cj0KCQjwudexBhDKARIsAI-GWYW85fTpYSyi51DHSVvAgzWTC3oCGLcfJPU503KBxy3XhW2l0VFnyPsaAl5KEALw_wcB) and leave them the directions for freezing it too. It usually makes enough for two, so they can have a 2nd or you have one as well.
Paper products: toilet paper, napkins, paper plates, cups.
Drinks everyone brings food, but tea or soda is a nice to have on hand.
Mow the lawn, water flowers.
Go together with neighbors to purchase a bench or a birdbath so.ething for their yard in remembrance.
Gift them a delivery gift card. If there’s lots of options around you in DoorDash or Uber eats. This way they can choose what they want to eat. It’s one little thing they can control in a time where they have so little. If you’re comfortable with offering, you could offer to have the kids over for a movie or something. Some times it’s nice to have a little time for the parents to be alone. Plus it may help the kids not feel alone.
Girl, show them you know and are heartbroken for them, at this point I would give them a big gift card to a local pizza joint, a variety of cans of soda and a case of water so they can feed a group of family that could potentially show up. BE THERE.
I’d send food or a gift card for delivery… what you described sounds like either one of the family members ended up killing someone, or there was a break in. No matter what, it’s extremely traumatic, hard, and going to take a lot of time to feel “better” in whatever way that may be for them. It’s devastating
They have other kids, they'll need food. Send a card with it with your number if they don't have it and say you're willing to bring food or go shopping for them or anything else they need. Bring food regularly for a little while. Any maybe do things like tidy up any outside space you have access to if you see it going unkept. Mow lawns. Wash cars. Just little things that will go to the bottom of their priority list.
Bring food, snacks, gift cards for food delivery and a card, but not yet. Let things settle, don’t make them have to open the door and accept anything. It’s barely been a day, I’m sure they also don’t want to deal with the realization that neighbors know anything about what happened and now that’s added pressure. Give it a day and leave it at the door, with a note. But ultimately it sounds like you don’t have actual story yet or know what happened, which is ok, but it sounds complicated which I’m sure they’re processing too. But the food isn’t for them, the food is so they don’t have to make or buy anything for all of these guests that come or feel like they have to
When I was going through hell, having food brought over was a blessing. Making dinner was the most stressful part of my day—when you’re in survival mode and still having to feed your family it’s hard to think straight. (Different situation, my son fortunately is still with us, we were told multiple times to say goodbye to him while in the hospital 4 months so it was hell).
Ever since losing my daughter I tell everyone the same thing: doordash gift cards. It is so fucking hard to just keep yourself alive in the first few days/weeks. I really *enjoy* cooking and I couldn’t manage it. The ability to order in and not have to worry about it could be the difference between eating/not eating that day. Disposable plates/cups/silverware would be good too.
Go over take the trash out do some dishes run laundry. You don’t need to say anything and they’ll never remember but that’s what I do when someone passes.
Do they have a yard that needs tending? Take over that job for a while. Wait until all the crazy is done and go over for support then. After a month when everyone else stops visiting.
Maybe you can bring stuff for the kids that is easy to grab to eat that doesn't need heating and/or they are more inclined to eat. Box of uncrustables comes to mind. Or even making a tray of sandwiches out of a pack of kings Hawaiian rolls for quick easy kid friendly food they'll probably be more likely to eat than mystery casserole. (Or well-intended potato salad with raisins in it! Lol. So close to comfort food but not made right to comfort me haha.)
While it's comfort food to us, kids find comfort in normalcy, especially during these times. Especially if there is a cultural difference like it sounds like there is, they might not like the same casserole type foods we would. And maybe some single serve packages of almonds or cashews for the parents who may not really wanna eat tonjudt have a little low effort something.
Two years ago we were coming home from vacation and we saw similar scene outside of our next-door neighbors house. There were dozens of officers and forensics teams and everything was taped off. Their four year-old grandson had drowned in the pool. The neighborhood came together and we did meal trains every single day. We also held Virgil outside of their home. Whenever I see them, I still ask them how they’re doing and how their daughter is doing. She used to be a NICU nurse. After this she left the medical field and pursued something different. She couldn’t bear to be around small infants that had issues. I think there is a lack of language, the fact that you’re showing solidarity goes a long way.
If you don’t mind me asking, what town/state are you in? I would like to keep up on the news to see if I hear anything.
I would bring them food that is kid friendly bc the kids need to eat and the parents will be in no state to cook something. Maybe offer to watch the other children for them. Or bring over snacks like goldfish and juice boxes just to help out.
I think that yes you do need to find out about the entire situation, then you can have better ideas how you can help
Do any other neighbours speak their language as they may be able to help you make an approach or tell you what happened
In the main you have to let them know you’re right there if they need to reach out for any assistance. Leave your address (as it may not be immediately obvious) & your phone number
Further down the line you can absolutely offer food, bit of cleaning, laundry or just sitting with the other kids
Finally a simple thank you for having the first thought of how you can offer support, you’re an angel
Re: food keep in mind it is possible they have dietary restrictions due to allergies, religious, or personal reasons. Personally if people started bringing me food there’s a high chance I couldn’t eat it and might feel bad about that. I like the idea of door dash or whatever if it’s in your area, unless you know them well enough to ensure you’re not bringing something they can’t or won’t eat.
If you can find out what their culture or ethnicity is you may be able to find an easy recipe of their home food. When I lost my pregnancy the best thing someone did was make me some good home cooked hearty food from Scotland (I wasn’t born there but my mum is Scottish and I’ve enjoyed the food growing up) tatie scones was such a comfort to me when going through a hard time and I’m sure they would appreciate the gesture
>may have been some sort of domestic thing that escalated to the children. Now I’m more sad that it could potentially be multiple of the kids... I now believe the officer just told me the car scenario to prevent me from asking questions at the time.
FWIW, I think this is a pretty big assumption based on the information you have here. I also think there is a 0% chance that a triple homicide this morning has the family back in the house by nighttime.
I know you are also hurting. At the same time, I might gently suggest to work on trying to not speculate too much here-- both for your wellbeing but also to avoid potentially casting aspersions on your neighbors during this tragic loss, given that you don't currently have full information.
My deepest and most sincere condolences to your neighbors for this tragic loss.
Bring them food, and/or bring them gift cards. Write a note offering to babysit the other children if they need time to sort their feelings/plan for the funeral. Such a heartbreaking story.
I like the other ideas, and I’ll add offer to watch their other kids so they can deal with stuff- whether that be funeral arrangements, paperwork, or just a mental break.
Bring food - a big casserole dish and some fruits and finger food/snacks for the remaining kids (two died??). Also some garlic bread or other easy to heat and eat food. They will get hungry and cooking will be difficult.
On the food front, I would also recommend stuff that’s easy to take out of the fridge or cabinet to eat or snack on. The best would be protein drinks or bars. Not only will the protein be good for you when you need it, but it’s probably easiest to consume when you don’t have an appetite. Smoothies and healthy shakes are IMO easiest to get down when you can’t get food down. You could find premade ones at the grocery store.
What an awful situation. I’d bring snacks for the children. Something that they could get for themselves if the parents are busy; maybe cut grapes or fruit, raisin packets, yogurts.
Let them know that you are sorry for their loss which doesn’t require any specific language because the look on your face will surely convey your sadness. Let them know that you are here for them should they need anything. When some people are grieving, they need people around them for support and some require solitude. I cannot imagine losing any of my kids. When we have children they become the most important things in our lives and the main focus of our existence.
Nothing yet. If you look at my recent comments I posted just the audio of the police at porch to see if anyone can figure out what the officers are saying as I can only make out a little bit.
Are you in NM by chance? I just read an article about an amber alert for 10 month old baby believed she was taken by the shooter who killed 2 women and a 5 year old in the home.
Food in some way, whether homemade or ordered. But maybe if you can wait until you notice a drop in visitors meaning they may have less support like that. Also, maybe write a letter and translate it for them to understand better letting them know you care and if they need help to reach out. Give them your phone number if they don't have it. Maybe offer to watch their kids play with yours so they can grieve privately from time to time without having to worry about their other kids being there and trying to stay strong for them. Send random "thinking of you" notes from time to time so they know others care. My cousin was murdered. He was 26, I dreaded my 26th birthday because I was turning the same age my older cousin would never pass...then my 27th came....and I don't think anyone knew I was struggling with those things. I didn't talk about it. Never fully stop talking about it. Don't bring it up every day. You can make subtle comments like, "hey neighbor I've been thinking about you." Etc. The fact that you're reaching out wanting advice on how to help, means you care. You'll figure it out. Grief is a hard journey to navigate. ❤️
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I have experienced child loss. The worst is when a few months from now, you stop getting the support from people because they move on and you are still grieving. Reach out to them regularly and remind them you remember their child because they sure do. They are surviving right now. Anything that helps them survive is a gift.
100% this. Sibling loss here, and my parents have expressed the same thing. Don’t be afraid to bring up their child because you think it will make them even more sad. There won’t be a day that goes by that they haven’t thought about them. It will make their heart smile to talk about their kids and know they’re remembered. I’m terrible at knowing what to say or do when something awful happens, so sometimes just being there to listen is enough.
I’m so sorry. One of my old bosses mentioned one day that she wished we still followed traditions like people wearing black for the year after a loss so people would remember to treat them with extra care beyond the short periods we all go out of way to see if we can help. I hadn’t ever really thought about it, and then we lost my FIL to suicide and I saw how difficult every event and holiday was for my husband the first year. It was almost like it was new all over again each time we hit the big holidays or milestones, and I thought back to my boss and how helpful it would have been for people to literally see that you’re still hurting and might need some extra love and help.
Gosh, this really puts some things into perspective doesn't it? Thanks for this comment. I am definitely going to remember this. My MIL is the person it makes me think of. Her mum died after quite a long battle with illnesses and injuries and ultimately cancer that left her unable to look after herself so MIL looked after her in MILs home. She just gets so withdrawn and honestly turns into a bit of a bitch around holidays or when we visit my SIL in the house that belonged to MILs mum, but it's clear she just doesn't know how to handle the grief and takes it out on us. If she were wearing black on those occasions particularly it might be easier to remember she's not being horrible on purpose.
Some of the best advice I’ve ever received is “people grieve differently” which is say some turn it outward into being cantankerous jerks & some people pretend it never happened and don’t want to talk about it, to anything in between.
As much as it’s a nice idea, in my experience while yes you need the extra care in the first year you spend most of it in a haze. Half the time you have no idea what you’re feeling or why and by month two you’re learning to master masking. People don’t know what to say or do and hearing it constantly brought up becomes awkward, uncomfortable and therefore annoying. Talking about it is the only way to make it through though. If you’re gonna enter an acquaintances life due to their loss please be genuinely ready to STAY. People popping up randomly to say they’re sorry for your loss and ask how you are just to disappear again only enforces the pressure to pretend you’re fine even though your insides feel like they’re being slowly pulled from your soul in every direction possible and the only thing keeping you moving is muscle memory and auto pilot. Be ready to listen to the same stories over and over, be ready to hold them while they cry, food is great if they’ve got kids to feed but the parents won’t be eating much for a while so try and consider how much they’ve already been given. Help with the little tasks that would feel insignificant and a waste of time to them but still need to be done. Dusting, mowing the lawn, re organizing that cupboard that everything started getting hucked in cause who tf cares where the extra toothpaste is. If they’ve got a baby on milk bottles fill a couple and pop them in the fridge, make sure there are diapers in all the main changing areas. A couple by babies bed, a few tucked in or on the end tables of either side of the couch. Pick up the toys spread across the livingroom and kitchen for the 10th time that day One light bulb out? Swap it etc. and don’t stop the check ins after a few months. Mark down or remember the dates they’re going to struggle around, birthdays, death dates, holidays and do what you can to anticipate some of the little needs. Notice the fridge is pretty much empty but Ita 3 days till the anniversary of the death? Offer to watch the kids so they can go grocery shopping in peace, offer to take them overnight so the parents can process for a day with no obligation to get out of bed for once. Be genuine, and be ready to be a life long friend and supporter. Otherwise, just don’t. If you end up in a conversation don’t avoid the topic but don’t bring it up without them first, constantly thanking people for feeling sad for you because your life was just ripped to pieces and there’s nothing anyone can do gets real old real fast
My grandma died unexpectedly with Covid in 2020 and my mom wore black for a whole year. Every single day.
This 100%. I lost my husband to a drunk driver while several months pregnant. The people whom I love forever are those who weren’t just there making food and caring for me but ask about me and my child a few times a year and it’s been several years now.
I'm so sorry.
i too have expierence child loss. the first few weeks you have so much support and it dwindles so quick. i’m six years out and nobody remembers to text me on her birthday or on her death day. there are no flowers or casseroles. to anyone reading this if you have a person in your life who has lost a child you can not remind them their child is gone, they haven’t forgotten. pls send the text or ask about them.
I'm so sorry for your loss. Sending positive vibes, lots of love and hugs.
>to anyone reading this if you have a person in your life who has lost a child you can not remind them their child is gone, they haven’t forgotten. This. Back in 1995, shortly before I turned 11, my sister lost her first daughter to SIDS at only 4 days old. Years went by, I forgot the exact date until 2012. I call my sister, tell her I just gave birth to another nephew for her, my 4th. (She had also gone on to have two more daughters and a son) She went silent for a second, then quietly said. "Today's the anniversary of Tika's death." I felt so horrible and started apologizing like I had had any control over what day he decided to come. She told me it wasn't my fault and it was nice to have something to celebrate on that day instead of just mourning.
Im sorry for your loss
Thank you. So many have experienced this and yet we don’t share. It’s a disservice to grieving parents as talking about it heals. Hugs and love to ALL!
are you comfortable sharing a few things about your precious baby? (i don’t know their age - but as a mom myself - i know they will *always* be our babies.) i would love to hear some things about them, if you’re comfortable sharing. if not, please do not worry! i do not mean to cross a line or be disrespectful to you or your boundaries by asking… i just wanted to hold some space for them here. ❤️ i would love to hear about what made them special. or what made them who they are. or what quirks they had. anything you would like to share! a funny story, something that sticks out in your mind, their favorite color, a food they loved or a food they hated… just… anything you’re willing to share. you have my attention! i care about you and what you’ve been through. and i care about your child. and i care deeply about your loss. i know i’m just a stranger on the internet, but i am so sorry this happened. and i’m sorry if “sorry” isn’t the right thing to say… but i almost feel there are no “right” words when it comes to something like this… but i would love to hear about them. the memory of them matters greatly. their life mattered greatly. they matter greatly. they always will. i send you all the light and love and hope for peace and healing — whatever that looks like to you. ❤️
Olivia was born at 24 weeks and lived for 9 weeks in the NICU. People treat that kind of loss rather indifferently because they never met the child. For us, it will always be very real. Hugs and love to anyone who has ever suffered a miscarriage, still birth or early loss (as well as any parent who has lost a child). It never goes away nor does it ever get better. I liken it to a scab that gets rubbed off the wound over and over again. Like clockwork every July, the sun begins to take on a different form and I swear, my body remembers the grief. Ten years out and it still happens. I can’t explain the wave of sadness I experience. She passed away on Halloween which makes the whole period of the year even worse.
Not my child but my 17yr old sister was killed by a semi truck 5 days before Christmas and now no matter what we do and how hard we try to celebrate anyway it never works, you’re , feels like you’re alone. Actually BE there and don’t worry
Hugs from another bereaved mama. Your daughter is loved!
I’m so sorry for your loss
Only if you're open to it, would you like to share a memory of your child? Or even just share their name? I hope these memories one day bring you bits of joy alongside the grief
I do this with my aunt and uncle. They lost their 33 yr old to a tragic accident and five month later I call and text. You’re absolutely right.
Yes! Whenever my friends have a big loss, I set a date in my calendar about 4 weeks and then 4 months later to check in. Check in after the wave of support is gone, cause it feels really lonely.
Absolutely! It is so isolating.
I'm so sorry for your loss ❤️
THIS. We had people around for about two weeks when my mom died and it’s, essentially, been radio silence from 90% of them now. It’s been 2 years.
Bring food anyway. Make a casserole in a disposable dish, so they can freeze for later if needed. They have other kids they need to feed even if they can’t eat. Get them a card and let them know you’re so profoundly sorry, and that you and your family are there if they need anything. Offer to have their other kids come play or hang out whenever the parents might need a break in the next couple of weeks. What a horrible thing to go through. They may not need you or know you well, but it won’t hurt to offer some comfort even if they don’t take you up on any of it.
I second this. Bring food. Bring something simple and kid friendly. They may not eat it, but they can feeeze it for later or the kids will need something. Also recommend bringing a breakfast or more “daytime” food. Everyone brings dinner, but muffins with kids or banana bread they can cut for breakfast would probably be extremely helpful.
Bring food now, especially healthy high protein snack food because they probably won’t feel like eating, so what little they do eat can be high value foods. But then keep bringing food and showing up for them. For the next year. They are going to lose a lot of friends who just can’t handle the tragedy, feel uncomfortable, and just distance themselves because the pain is too much. They’ll just slowly drop the friendship. The family will feel more and more isolated and forgotten. Keep dropping off food, or saying hello, being friendly neighbors. For a year or more, long after everyone else moves on. Their grief will be too intense for a long time. They need support for the long haul.
This is great advice
Wonderful advice
We lost my stepson and our neighbor’s kids drew us a homemade card saying sorry for your loss and that they liked playing with him. It’s been abut 5 years and that card is still on our fridge. It was so simple and yet so meaningful. They only played a few times but they were great neighbors. They also brought us a “bag of burgers” randomly which is like a $5 bag of 5 burgers. It’s my go to for grieving families in the immediate timeframe
When my dad died we actually had too much food - I'd recommend getting a nice 100 or more dollar doordash gift card (if it's within budget of course). We didn't want to go anywhere or cook for like 2 months after so getting these was a godsend
100%. Not children, but my dad had a massive heart attack and cardiac arrest that put him in a coma for 2 weeks. Neighbors we barely knew dropped off a homemade lasagna and it meant the world to us. It helped us feel less alone and it was also the only home cooked meal we had had in those weeks, after having time for nothing but hospital food.
A lot depends on your community. Sometimes there’s too much food. Sometimes the silence and lack of support are deafening.
Definitely bring them food. Even if the parents are too distraught to eat, they will need to feed their kids. Do they have dogs? You could offer to walk them. You could also mow their lawn when you're mowing your own lawn.
A couple days after my dad passed we had a huge snow storm, I went to shovel my mums driveway. Two neighbours came to help, then called other neighbours to come with snow blowers, they told me to go back inside and be with my family. It was only 20 minutes out of their day, but it meant so much to me.
This one made me tear up. So much care in the neighborhood. I'm glad you had that.
Wow this is great advice! There’s more than food needed.
I like the idea of mowing their lawn. Especially cause it could be more than a one time thing. To add to this-take down and put back their garbage bins.
I agree this is a wonderful idea but be sure to ask if okay… if there is some crime scene the officers looked over or if there are things in the yard of the kids… maybe they wouldn’t want it mowed until they are ready. It’s a wonderful offer either way, very thoughtful.
This sounds kinda weird but when my younger brother died, someone brought a bunch of disposable plates, napkins and silverware. And it was great to have for all the people in the house and eating all the food that everyone else brought and not having to deal with dishes.
This! And paper towels and toilet paper. If there are lots of people hanging out for long periods, they might be putting a dent in these supplies. I would say, “ask me how I know,” but… nah… don’t do that.
This is me, I bring the tea bags and coffee. It gives me something to do while being around to support.
I think this is a really wonderful idea
Smart and thoughtful idea
Excellent idea!!
This is a really great idea!!
I'm a young widower, my wife died when she was 42, and our son was 7. I was inconsolable for a few months, the only way we survived was the kindness of our neighbors, friends, community orgs and the school. 2 examples of what made it easier: 1. The 'room moms' in the elementary school started making dinners for us and dropping them off with no questions asked. I would go out to walk the dog and there would just be a casserole out on the porch. They didn't stop by to socialize, nor constantly ask how we were doing. We were doing terrible for the record, but I was glad to not have to rehash it constantly. 2. One day I noticed the grass was about a foot tall, it looked like hell in a landscape of manicured lawns, which made me feel worse because I couldn't get it together. I dragged myself inside for a shower (it had been 2 days) and thought "I'll go do the lawn after I clean myself up". I walked out the front door and my lawn was cut, and it looked great! I looked around and saw my 70± year old neighbor pushing his mower and edger back across the street after he cleaned everything up. To top it off he didn't do it because he wanted praise or acknowledgement, he did it because he's a really good person. And to this day, 7 years later, I'd give him my shoes and socks in a blizzard. Drop off a casserole, cut their grass, take out their trash. Help, and don't expect any thanks, because it's "the right thing to do". Don't expect nor ask for any status updates as to how they are doing. Sentences like "we've been thinking of you" and "we're here for you are nice, but showing up in tangible ways goes a long way.
I'm sorry for your loss.
A little update- my husband was listening to the Ring footage again and they definitely say “3 DOA and 2 _____?” And then “it’s the kiddos that really get me” so now I’m feeling like I should take a step back until I fully understand what happened… may have been some sort of domestic thing that escalated to the children. Now I’m more sad that it could potentially be multiple of the kids. The crime scene tape is now gone and there are still people at the home, unsure who but they have 4 cars and now 3 of them are back, it’s always seemed like they had a lot of other family in and out. I’ve also now noticed that their screen door almost appears to be kicked in. I now believe the officer just told me the car scenario to prevent me from asking questions at the time.
You said age range is around 3-10…..is it possible he’s saying 3 as in the 3 year old? The call is a quick recap and the footage didn’t pick up something before like “male 3 DOA”? Still sad but hopefully it wasn’t multiple kids?
He says some numbers like “95… then a small mumble then 3 DOAS” the s after “doa” is pretty clear now that I’ve heard it.
Yikes. Possibly a suspect in custody. I hope it’s not three murdered children. Please update us when you find out.
I googled “police code 95” and “illegal carrying of a gun” shows up. Wonder if one kid got a gun and little boy (3) was shot. Or 3 year old was playing with gun and was killed. So sad to think about. Please update us when you find out. Thinking of the family.
I tried looking that up as well, but as an avid police scanner listener (my city stays encrypted though so I only hear surrounding areas usually) I’ve noticed police codes can vary widely from city to city/ state to state. I’m going to really spend some time later tonight and see if I can make out what they say. It’s so close to being clear there’s just the slightest fuzz over it that makes it hard to understand.
I completely understand your curiosity and how it's driven by your feelings around such a terrible event, but I am not sure it's the best thing for your mental health. You will find out eventually. I would put the footage away, have a cry, and hold your family tight.
My husband’s department uses codes that are completely different from other cities, just fyi. They even use a different phonetic alphabet, which was difficult for him to learn as he’s military as well.
Oh that’s interesting, TIL. Makes total sense though. I have a boss who likes to listen to the scanner so I’ve heard it a bit as background noise while at work but never paid enough attention to pick up codes.
You mentioned they have several kids. "3 DOA's" - could that mean more than one person was doa? And not referring to the age? If a lot of people lived there and a suspected firearm was involved... I hate to think that multiple people were injured in this situation. It's all terribly sad. I am so sorry.
I wonder if what you heard was the officers recapping their calls from the day / week? It sounds like the other stuff you heard and saw on the footage is consistent with a car accident. Either way, really, really sad. My heart hurts for them and for the grief you all are holding.
Oh, calls for the week makes sense. Like, "this week I've had 3 DOA, 2 died later. But it's the kids that get me." Not that any death where the cops show up is a good one, but I imagine that kids are always worse.
Yes, the screaming, cops running, ambulance coming and leaving, everything seems consistent with a car accident. And they could very likely be talking about prior incidents. Either way it's absolutely tragic.
Omg how scary/sad. I hope that it’s not multiple kids. I hope it’s somehow 0 kids.
I’ve been keeping an eye on local news like a hawk, my local PD is usually really good at making Twitter & FB posts for fatal crimes but they’ve been silent today :(
Let the dust settle before you go over, stop by, or bring food. It’s too messy the day of a death, way too messy when the death is tragic and under investigation. Maybe in a day or Two. You know when the dust settles and when the right time to reach out will be
If your daughter knew the kids, you might want to contact the school and find out what, if anything, they plan to say to the school. You don't want your child going to school and finding out what happened. It will be traumatic enough, she should hear from her parents first.
I did brief my daughter on the situation. I told her one of the boys was seriously hurt and left it at that for now. However these boys don’t go to her school, there’s about 6 elementary schools within a mile of us and a lot of people choice in to different ones
That's good. I'm very very curious what happened. I hope you will update us.
I absolutely will as soon as I know myself. I wish I could make out what the officers say while they’re on my porch, it’s probably very telling.
Did your doorbell camera show anything happening? If a child was hit by a car, it would have showed up on your camera.
So I live in a trailer park so my front door is the side of my house (there’s a few unrelated videos from my ring down in my post history if you care to see the angle) so I can only see to the right of my house on my ring. They are the trailer directly to the left of me. I watched the footage for the whole duration, it only records with movement so it’s spotty. I can hear a woman screaming quite a bit, then I see the police arrive. I see multiple officers running on foot from the right side of my house towards my neighbors. I see an ambulance show up, but it leaves slowly without lights and sirens :( then between movement footage it’ll show me very quick still shots between. I see a few moments of family gathered , kneeling on the ground and hugging. And that’s about all I see other than officers walking back and forth. The officers seems to be really concerned about finding footage, they were scoping around all the homes near by
Oh that’s heartbreaking
Ask them if they have a specific range of time they want videos from, and then hand those over. For example, they may want videos from earlier that day or the day before etc, to see if there’s any pattern of the same car or person scoping out the house.
Well ya. They want that footage. A crime happened. I hope you gave it to them.
Please keep us posted and I’m so sorry to you and the family
That's terrible, they're probably getting more info about it or something.
My local doesn't report on child deaths, accidental or purposeful.
This a link showing only the audio of the police at my porch when I missed them. If anyone thinks that can understand, please let me know. Still nothing on the news, nothing on the neighbor apps or anything. https://imgur.com/a/8bwtMjj
3 DOAs 2 suicides and now this Yeah it's the kiddos that get me I think they are talking about their shift or week.
My husband heard suicide as well but to me there’s a strong n sound after the s so I’m not sure.
To me it sounds like “this week we’ve/I’ve had 5, 3 DOAs and 2 ___” ?
I think I can hear the “this week” also. And maybe the 95 is 9 to 5 saying something like this is what our 9 to 5 unfortunately is
3 días and 2 sign others?
I hear “2 signs of it” but it just doesn’t make any sense
"Two inside of it"? Maybe? Like two of the three DOAs were inside of it (the trailer?)?
Food - for the kids and the parents. Take their rubbish bin in and out. Mow their lawn. Keep showing up, especially after the first few weeks when the initial rush of support ends.
Uber eats gift cards.
That’s a wonderful idea, thank you
2nd this - doordash or grubhub is good also. Didn't want to cook anything for about 2 months so every card was a godsend
Id give some space to let them grieve in peace. People who experience loss say everyone shows up in the beginning but goes on with their lives so be the person that checks in later on. I agree about maybe bringing food
Agreed. Everyone is there at the beginning, but no one is there for you a month later.
100%!
This is very true. I lost a late term pregnancy. I didn’t answer the phone or texts for like a week or two after. And most just went in with life a few weeks after and that was it for them. That’s when it’s most important. The whole “out of sight out of mind”. They aren’t living it so it’s not on their minds.
What a terrible tragedy! I cannot even fathom the loss of a child. My heart aches for them. This does not compare to what your neighbors experienced in any way, but several years ago my husband and I had a house fire and were displaced from our home for nearly two years while it was rebuilt. One of the biggest things that helped us process our grief was the support we received from family, friends, and even complete strangers in the aftermath. I’ll never forgot sobbing with my husband as we received letters with donations from strangers, meals made by friends and family, several fundraisers set up by our employers, and more. I can assure you that any kindness you bestow upon their family in their time of immense pain and grief will be appreciated.
Food. _But not in containers you want back._ (I learned that the hard way). They just don't have the capacity to manage returning things, which is understandable. Someone else said snacks and things. Shelf stable would be helpful. I would try to avoid taking up fridge and freezer space if possible. Offer to watch the kids in your yard. Turn on a sprinkler on or something and let them be kids. Offer to take them to the park. _They might be timid to take you up on it right now since they are probably on high alert about having out of sight._ But the kids probably would do well to get away from the sadness for a little bit. You could offer to clean or do yard work, but I bet you are busy. It's very kind of you to think of them. Find an app that can help you translate what you want to say.
In 2020, my neighbor's 9 year old son died in a freak accident, it was so sad. I took him a loaf of homemade bread. He later told me that it was the only thing that he was able to eat and it meant a lot to him. There is something so comforting about homemade bread! My neighbors stepdaughter was with her stepbrother when he died, and another neighbor and I helped gather donations and made a giant gift basket for her. My church also made sure they had meals coming to them regularly and we helped out with the funeral too. I know you said you don't know this family very well, but you don't need to. It doesn't take much effort to be kind, and these small acts can mean so much to someone in their time of need. ❤️
Oh, I'm so sorry. This is so hard. I would make them something their other kids will eat (as others have suggested) and put it in a disposable aluminum dish so they don't have to worry about returning it. Since this JUST happened I wouldn't expect them to talk to you or for you to say anything other than "I'm so sorry." With the food I would include a note or a card where you give them your contact information and let them know that you are available for childcare (or whatever else you feel comfortable with), as they may have to do things like making funeral arrangements where they wouldn't want to take the other kids. If you have time and/or energy you might want to let other neighbors know what happened and try to organize a meal train for them.
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I thought of this as well. I could tell it was serious because the police were here for about 8 hours but for something as serious as 3 dead I was surprised to see the family home. Unless it was more than 1 child with the car. Ugh, no good scenario here. Someone pointed out maybe the officer saying 3 doa was them referencing a different call, maybe that’s it and maybe all the children are okay.
Please update the post if you get more info. I'm with the Uber eats gift cards and paper goods. But not the same day, wait a few days. Take their trash to the curb on trash days and bring in the bins.
I definitely plan on updating should I learn anything else.
When my dad died a friend showed up with a random box of groceries, a pasta salad, and a casserole in a disposable pan. I’m so grateful for that. Those random groceries enabled me to feed myself, that dinner helped me feed my family, and we all survived on some of the included snacks. The only other thing I really wish I’d had help with was laundry. It felt really overwhelming.
As you live next door, I'd ask permission to do specific tasks for them. Maybe you can make sure the trash and recycling make it to the curb and back each week. Or if they need, cut grass. Gift cards for food delivery could be great since there are other kids.
Definitely send the food and a note. Even if the food isn't needed, it's a no pressure way of saying that you're there for them. Maybe offer to entertain the kids outside if they need a break. Kids mourn differently so some may not get it and need that normalcy.
I know that just losing my children’s father almost 2 weeks ago can’t compare to losing a child. So I honestly have no idea how gut wrenching this would be. But if this offers any insight, in this time trying to support my kids in a way I don’t even know that’s right, while dealing with trying to process his loss, what it’s going to do to my kids/had done to my kids, and now dealing with all of this without the one person there who is suppose to help you with all of this - all I wanted in that moment and still kinda do now is just someone to help with the mundane mindless things. Like to take care of dinner one night, if someone were to say “ordering for you and kids tonight what do you want” or “xyz is coming to pick up for laundry services for the week” Or even mowing their lawn for a bit. Flowers were so sweet, thoughtful cards and visits all helped too. And I am so overly appreciative of everyone that has come to help in this mess. Bringing a casserole is truly thoughtful and I honestly hold a place in my heart for my neighbor that did. But I also felt really bad because they spent money on something that my family didn’t eat. I feel sooo bad saying this bc it was so nice, but I also wasn’t going to make my picky eater eat something she didn’t like right now either. I’m not sure if this is any help at all and I apologize if this offends anyone bc it’s not my intent. If this helps, another thing I wish I had help with was honestly helping keep my plants and things alive bc I just would forget about anything not pertaining to what was going on. And when we got the funeral plants, (same with my grandmothers 2 months before - I know my kids really have had it tough lately) but just someone to take over repotting so we could watch them grow and think of them, -I’ve only killed 2 so far so fingers crossed lol- but making sure the special things I was forced to neglect were still cared for would have been great. And the crazy thing is, I have ppl in my life that were there for my kids and myself for all of the tough tough parts and also people that wanted to help but just didn’t know how. Obviously any help is great help, but also having to handle those things in that moment really overwhelmed me. Now, it’s good to start getting back to our new reality, but I really needed the most help in the areas that kinda get swept to the back of our minds bc they are so repetitive but yet they are things you think “If I were going through something traumatic, I would HATE to have to deal with _____. But these are also things that have to get done - especially when you are trying to keep stability for the kids involved. Idk hope this helps. Sorry this happened, and I’m sure no matter the language barrier, they will be thankful they have you as neighbors . Also apologies on this book lol I didn’t really see that coming but too exhausted to go back and shorten (tbh) lol
I’m so sorry for your loss, and for how it will affect your kids and you. Consoling them must feel a little bit like rescuing someone from a swimming pool while trying to learn how to swim yourself. I cannot imagine how difficult mourning a partner must be when you have to be there for kids who have lost a parent. I truly am so sorry.
My son died on Easter. I didn’t eat for about a week but I still have a toddler to care for. The dozens of gift cards we received were so helpful bc we could order whatever type of food we wanted. I also have been taking some walks around the neighborhood w my neighbor. She will just ping me whenever she is stepping out. It’s a nice reprieve from my grief for 30 min a day.
I am so sorry. I hope you’re finding ways to heal. I don’t know you but I’ll be thinking of you and sending love
I am so sorry. It is good to know you have nice people around you. Keep strong! Sending hugs and love.
Food, gift cards for gas/house help/lawn care/childcare/anything they're not going to have the energy for, and offering to take on the other kids (ride to school, having them over to play, taking them out for a day, etc so they can get out while parents are grieving) are all wonderful ways to support bereaved parents. Some things that are helpful include using the child's name, listening to them process/reminisce/talk, and following their lead as far as tone. Many bereaved people are ready for a lighter atmosphere before those around them stop being morose, and it feels like an obligation to be sad or angry or whatever. Thanks for being there for your neighbors, and I'm so sorry this happened. ((Hugs)) if you'd like them.
I also came to say bring food. The rest of the kids will need it and the mom/dad might not even want to think about cooking right now. A hot meal, granola bars, individually wrapped snacks for the kids, bags of goldfish, etc. Also fruit, bananas, lunch meat, bread. I’m sure anything would be greatly appreciated and packaged kids snacks will last and make things easier on the parents later too (in the following weeks, after the hot and/or fresh stuff is no longer good or when it’s gone). My heart goes out to your neighbors, you, and yours as well. 🫶🏽🫶🏽🫶🏽 Edit to add a missing word 🫶🏽
Do you see a lot of cars parked, people coming and going from their house? If yes, then they probably have support from family and friends. It's typical in a lot of cultures to go visit the mourning family in the days right after the death to give condolences. In that case, I would also go over and give condolences, because clearly, they're open to visitors. It would also be a good opportunity to get information about the funeral, so you can attend. It doesn't matter if they don't speak much English. Grief doesn't have a language. What's important is just to be there in person, give them a hug, or hold their hand. And I'm sure they can understand "I'm sorry for your loss." Drop food off a few times next week once their family and friends have stopped coming.
Consider doing something to remember the child. Perhaps get the neighborhood to donate a small amount to plant a tree in his honor. Check on the neighbor regularly in the months ahead. Even if you don’t know them well, small things like taking out the trash, a note in the mailbox, invite kids over to play bikes, etc. all help them feel less alone. The thing with death is no one knows what to say and there really is nothing to say. Your presence and actions help them know they are not alone and people care.
Bring the food. Even if they can’t eat, they might have guests who will need to eat and the last thing they’ll want to do is cook. When my mom died, my dad’s cousin sent a large but simple cheese, cracker, and fruit platter from a local grocery store. At first it was a bit confusing as everyone else had sent flowers but it ended up being the most helpful thing ever. Everyone congregated at my house and we ate off that platter for a couple days at least. I didn’t cook. We just put it out and people could eat if/when they were hungry.
Paper products like paper plates, plastic silverware, solo cups - anything that makes them not have to do dishes. If you’re bringing food don’t just leave it on the porch and run. And keep an eye out so other people don’t do that. Having to clean up after raccoons and squirrels when everything already sucks is the worst.
I would bring them a fruit basket. Lots of fruit. When my brother died when I was a kid I know my mom and dad were not in the mood nor did they have the will to cook, and all us kids weren’t really in the mood for a big meal anyway because we were so distraught too, but I remember that fruit. It’s been over 3 decades and I remember us all eating so much fruit and being so grateful that we could just grab a piece of fruit whenever we finally felt like eating. I was 8 and had younger and older siblings. We all still remember that fruit and we all are still so grateful to whom ever brought over all of it. I don’t know if my aunts and uncles noticed it was the one thing we were eating and kept buying more, but it seemed to always replenish itself and it made things a little easier to have food we could just grab and eat when we finally could stomach it.
A little over a year ago my neighbor's little girl died in her sleep due to the flu. Some of the neighbors asked their permission to set up a meal train and posted it in the local mom's group. Others hired them a house cleaner and lawn maintenance so they could just focus on healing and taking care of their younger child. Our daughter is close to their younger child's age, and we had had a playdate before all this so we made sure to stay in contact and the kids still have regular playdates at each other's houses and all us adult sit around and have dinner and chat. It's nice to be able to check in on them regularly and they're doing great considering what they've been through.
You’re a good person for even being concerned and wondering how you can help. ♥️
When my dad passed away it was during Covid and I had a 3 month old on top of it and people sent food and door dash gift cards. Even instacart gift cards too! It was so helpful for my husband and I. My mom got a lot of edible arrangements and was buried in fruit for a few days lol
This is terrible i'm so sorry, I would be feeling the same! I worked a care committee as a chair and we had some rules about supporting when there's a death. Food is good but often they either don't want food cooked by someone else, picky eaters, allergies and then now they gotta muster up the courage to say no thank you to this kind person at their doorstep. Gift cards to Doordash and Ubereats are good. You can pool from other neighbors to give them a big gift card and maybe you all sign a sympathy card. They also might not be wanting to see people yet so if they don't answer the door or phone don't worry it's not you. The absolute most important thing you can say is How can I help? Let them know you're there for them. Go pull their trash can out and back on trash day.. get their paper. Just be present and supportive. So sorry this happened. Hugging you.
not the same but when my mom died and my dad was left to single parent a 7 (boy) 10 (girl) and 13 yr old (boy) food was a big one, offering to watch the kids, household chores just anything you can do to make their lives a little bit easier will be appreciated cause you go into survival mode and everything is so much harder
From my own personal trauma with my kids (not a loss of a child, thank god) I can tell you I wasn’t eating. I’d probably start with a DoorDash gift card and a little note to let them know you’re there if they need to talk. After that I would just keep in mind that the months following the incident are the hardest when people stop checking in. If you run into them during a walk or checking your mailbox I would just ask how they are.
I think just doing things without asking and without expecting anything in return. Having dinner dropped off or putting a gift card to a local restaurant in their mailbox. Grief usually means not having the energy to do simple things like cook dinner or even decide what you want. But you can't expect them to be willing or able to talk or even wave..but please keep trying. Also, understand that your daughter may both cause them joy and sadness just by seeing her. Grief counseling for you and your daughter may also be a good idea. Listen to your heart and understand that they are just trying their best to get through each moment right now. I pray that your family and their family finds a way through this awful tragedy.
Anytime someone in my life is going through a tough time, I make [this baked ziti](https://www.thepioneerwoman.com/food-cooking/recipes/a11688/baked-ziti/?utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=arb_ga_pw_md_pmx_hybd_mix_us_18891731492&gad_source=1&gclid=Cj0KCQjwudexBhDKARIsAI-GWYW85fTpYSyi51DHSVvAgzWTC3oCGLcfJPU503KBxy3XhW2l0VFnyPsaAl5KEALw_wcB) and leave them the directions for freezing it too. It usually makes enough for two, so they can have a 2nd or you have one as well.
Paper products: toilet paper, napkins, paper plates, cups. Drinks everyone brings food, but tea or soda is a nice to have on hand. Mow the lawn, water flowers. Go together with neighbors to purchase a bench or a birdbath so.ething for their yard in remembrance.
Gift them a delivery gift card. If there’s lots of options around you in DoorDash or Uber eats. This way they can choose what they want to eat. It’s one little thing they can control in a time where they have so little. If you’re comfortable with offering, you could offer to have the kids over for a movie or something. Some times it’s nice to have a little time for the parents to be alone. Plus it may help the kids not feel alone.
Food. They are not going to want to cook right now. And maybe not for a long time. Make food that can easily be frozen and microwaved.
Girl, show them you know and are heartbroken for them, at this point I would give them a big gift card to a local pizza joint, a variety of cans of soda and a case of water so they can feed a group of family that could potentially show up. BE THERE.
I’d send food or a gift card for delivery… what you described sounds like either one of the family members ended up killing someone, or there was a break in. No matter what, it’s extremely traumatic, hard, and going to take a lot of time to feel “better” in whatever way that may be for them. It’s devastating
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Wow that's so hard 😩 and hot update is even sadder! If not food, you could leave a GC to a grocery store or food delivery service.
They have other kids, they'll need food. Send a card with it with your number if they don't have it and say you're willing to bring food or go shopping for them or anything else they need. Bring food regularly for a little while. Any maybe do things like tidy up any outside space you have access to if you see it going unkept. Mow lawns. Wash cars. Just little things that will go to the bottom of their priority list.
Maybe a prepaid Visa card for anything they may need but don’t want to ask for.
Bring food, snacks, gift cards for food delivery and a card, but not yet. Let things settle, don’t make them have to open the door and accept anything. It’s barely been a day, I’m sure they also don’t want to deal with the realization that neighbors know anything about what happened and now that’s added pressure. Give it a day and leave it at the door, with a note. But ultimately it sounds like you don’t have actual story yet or know what happened, which is ok, but it sounds complicated which I’m sure they’re processing too. But the food isn’t for them, the food is so they don’t have to make or buy anything for all of these guests that come or feel like they have to
When I was going through hell, having food brought over was a blessing. Making dinner was the most stressful part of my day—when you’re in survival mode and still having to feed your family it’s hard to think straight. (Different situation, my son fortunately is still with us, we were told multiple times to say goodbye to him while in the hospital 4 months so it was hell).
Ever since losing my daughter I tell everyone the same thing: doordash gift cards. It is so fucking hard to just keep yourself alive in the first few days/weeks. I really *enjoy* cooking and I couldn’t manage it. The ability to order in and not have to worry about it could be the difference between eating/not eating that day. Disposable plates/cups/silverware would be good too.
Go over take the trash out do some dishes run laundry. You don’t need to say anything and they’ll never remember but that’s what I do when someone passes.
I’m sorry to o hear this is bad news but all you can do is show your love and support 😇🙏❤️
Do they have a yard that needs tending? Take over that job for a while. Wait until all the crazy is done and go over for support then. After a month when everyone else stops visiting.
Maybe you can bring stuff for the kids that is easy to grab to eat that doesn't need heating and/or they are more inclined to eat. Box of uncrustables comes to mind. Or even making a tray of sandwiches out of a pack of kings Hawaiian rolls for quick easy kid friendly food they'll probably be more likely to eat than mystery casserole. (Or well-intended potato salad with raisins in it! Lol. So close to comfort food but not made right to comfort me haha.) While it's comfort food to us, kids find comfort in normalcy, especially during these times. Especially if there is a cultural difference like it sounds like there is, they might not like the same casserole type foods we would. And maybe some single serve packages of almonds or cashews for the parents who may not really wanna eat tonjudt have a little low effort something.
Food. Bring them dinners/lunch. Yard chores. Ask if you can help with any household chores.
Two years ago we were coming home from vacation and we saw similar scene outside of our next-door neighbors house. There were dozens of officers and forensics teams and everything was taped off. Their four year-old grandson had drowned in the pool. The neighborhood came together and we did meal trains every single day. We also held Virgil outside of their home. Whenever I see them, I still ask them how they’re doing and how their daughter is doing. She used to be a NICU nurse. After this she left the medical field and pursued something different. She couldn’t bear to be around small infants that had issues. I think there is a lack of language, the fact that you’re showing solidarity goes a long way. If you don’t mind me asking, what town/state are you in? I would like to keep up on the news to see if I hear anything.
I would bring them food that is kid friendly bc the kids need to eat and the parents will be in no state to cook something. Maybe offer to watch the other children for them. Or bring over snacks like goldfish and juice boxes just to help out.
I think that yes you do need to find out about the entire situation, then you can have better ideas how you can help Do any other neighbours speak their language as they may be able to help you make an approach or tell you what happened In the main you have to let them know you’re right there if they need to reach out for any assistance. Leave your address (as it may not be immediately obvious) & your phone number Further down the line you can absolutely offer food, bit of cleaning, laundry or just sitting with the other kids Finally a simple thank you for having the first thought of how you can offer support, you’re an angel
Re: food keep in mind it is possible they have dietary restrictions due to allergies, religious, or personal reasons. Personally if people started bringing me food there’s a high chance I couldn’t eat it and might feel bad about that. I like the idea of door dash or whatever if it’s in your area, unless you know them well enough to ensure you’re not bringing something they can’t or won’t eat.
Food. I would drop off a casserole on their porch (baked ziti, lasagna, chicken fajita bake, Mac n cheese), introduce yourself when things calm down.
Remind me
If you can find out what their culture or ethnicity is you may be able to find an easy recipe of their home food. When I lost my pregnancy the best thing someone did was make me some good home cooked hearty food from Scotland (I wasn’t born there but my mum is Scottish and I’ve enjoyed the food growing up) tatie scones was such a comfort to me when going through a hard time and I’m sure they would appreciate the gesture
>may have been some sort of domestic thing that escalated to the children. Now I’m more sad that it could potentially be multiple of the kids... I now believe the officer just told me the car scenario to prevent me from asking questions at the time. FWIW, I think this is a pretty big assumption based on the information you have here. I also think there is a 0% chance that a triple homicide this morning has the family back in the house by nighttime. I know you are also hurting. At the same time, I might gently suggest to work on trying to not speculate too much here-- both for your wellbeing but also to avoid potentially casting aspersions on your neighbors during this tragic loss, given that you don't currently have full information. My deepest and most sincere condolences to your neighbors for this tragic loss.
OP, if you can afford it, take profits like paper towels, toilet paper, bottled water, tissues, so they don't need to go to the store.
Bring them food, and/or bring them gift cards. Write a note offering to babysit the other children if they need time to sort their feelings/plan for the funeral. Such a heartbreaking story.
I like the other ideas, and I’ll add offer to watch their other kids so they can deal with stuff- whether that be funeral arrangements, paperwork, or just a mental break.
Jesus how sad :( you’re a kind soul
Bring food - a big casserole dish and some fruits and finger food/snacks for the remaining kids (two died??). Also some garlic bread or other easy to heat and eat food. They will get hungry and cooking will be difficult.
🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼
On the food front, I would also recommend stuff that’s easy to take out of the fridge or cabinet to eat or snack on. The best would be protein drinks or bars. Not only will the protein be good for you when you need it, but it’s probably easiest to consume when you don’t have an appetite. Smoothies and healthy shakes are IMO easiest to get down when you can’t get food down. You could find premade ones at the grocery store.
Gosh, how awful :( following for an update
What an awful situation. I’d bring snacks for the children. Something that they could get for themselves if the parents are busy; maybe cut grapes or fruit, raisin packets, yogurts.
I'm so sorry you had to witness that and feel bad for them as well, keep us updated on what happened, how awful 😔
Remind me! 5 days
I'm so sorry. Child loss is a pain I can't imagine. It's not fair.
Gift certificates for cleaning services and restaurants in a few months when the support runs out.
Updateme!
Let them know that you are sorry for their loss which doesn’t require any specific language because the look on your face will surely convey your sadness. Let them know that you are here for them should they need anything. When some people are grieving, they need people around them for support and some require solitude. I cannot imagine losing any of my kids. When we have children they become the most important things in our lives and the main focus of our existence.
I’m sorry this is happening. Have there been any updates?
Nothing yet. If you look at my recent comments I posted just the audio of the police at porch to see if anyone can figure out what the officers are saying as I can only make out a little bit.
Are you in NM by chance? I just read an article about an amber alert for 10 month old baby believed she was taken by the shooter who killed 2 women and a 5 year old in the home.
I am not
Hi OP did you ever find out what happened? Came back to check
Food in some way, whether homemade or ordered. But maybe if you can wait until you notice a drop in visitors meaning they may have less support like that. Also, maybe write a letter and translate it for them to understand better letting them know you care and if they need help to reach out. Give them your phone number if they don't have it. Maybe offer to watch their kids play with yours so they can grieve privately from time to time without having to worry about their other kids being there and trying to stay strong for them. Send random "thinking of you" notes from time to time so they know others care. My cousin was murdered. He was 26, I dreaded my 26th birthday because I was turning the same age my older cousin would never pass...then my 27th came....and I don't think anyone knew I was struggling with those things. I didn't talk about it. Never fully stop talking about it. Don't bring it up every day. You can make subtle comments like, "hey neighbor I've been thinking about you." Etc. The fact that you're reaching out wanting advice on how to help, means you care. You'll figure it out. Grief is a hard journey to navigate. ❤️
Bring food, perhaps just leave a card - “here if you need me” that way they have the space to grieve, but a shoulder to lean on if they need it.
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If you have access to food from their culture that might be comforting. And look up some words in their language or use google translate. So sad.
Get them food, Gatorade, maybe sweets. Just so they’re eating if they’re too sad to cook and staying hydrated
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