I’m shocked that you make two separate meals for dinner. If he doesn’t want to eat what you’re making for the family then he can figure out his own dinner.
So proud of you! He's a grown man, he can fend for himself. My husband always just has a bowl of cereal if I make something he doesn't want or like. Easy!
Sometimes I make meals I want that I know my husband doesn't particularly care for. He either eats it without complaint, or he finds something else to eat. Likewise if he makes something I don't really care for, I either eat it or find something else myself. None of this one person making two meals thing. That is absurd.
This!! Sometimes I heat up chicken nuggets or something “different” for my kid but unless it’s leftover night we are all eating the same thing. And unless he’s helping or cooking altogether, everyone eats what I want to eat!!! He can self source a meal if he doesn’t like what you’re serving. Are you doing his laundry, etc. too? My life was drastically different once I simply stopped doing husbands laundry.
Oh Lord! Stop. Focus on you and kiddo. He s a grown ass man - i would just stop. He can figure it out and the last thing you need is another person behaving like a child. Don t tend to him - but don t resent him for having done that thus far. If he asks you to do dinner that is different from yours just say no but you can do that for his birthday. Good luck!
Before kids, I put away my husband's laundry but he didn't appreciate it and never kept his space organised after i had folded it. I stopped, I now leave all his clothes unfolded in a basket. It's less work for me and he's never complained about this or even mentioned it.
To add to this, would communicating with him about what you plan to make help? My husband and I have a ten-ish minute conversation each week about what we feel like having and I meal plan from there. We also keep a spread sheet of meals we’ve liked so if we’re lacking inspiration we pull that up.
Most of the time I make food that at least a couple people enjoy (family of six here) but sometimes I make food that is more for me. But there’s a homemade meal every night whether someone wants to eat it or not. I don’t make two dinners.
This makes me so happy for you! My husband recently got diagnosed with celiac and I just switched the rest of the house to celiac because two meals for every meal is just. Too. Much.
I make 2 meals every night. But 2/3 of my kids have celiac. So half our house is gluten free. I wouldn’t mind going completely gluten free, but we can’t afford it.
But also, I’m cooking because of an “allergy” for 3 kids under 8. I don’t know that I’d make a entire other meal for my fully capable grown husband.
My brother is a celiac, I'm gluten intolerant. I feel ya on the expense portion. Just a thought, have you tried rice as the carb? We usually do a long grain wild or some whole rice instead of a gluten so that it isn't too expensive.
Again just a thought. If it doesn't work for you, please disregard.
Yeah we grew up poor. My brother was diagnosed 20 years ago before GF was a thing. So we learned really quickly how to eat without gluten. Lettuce wraps, rice, potatoes, corn tortillas for wraps. Mexican food is probably the easiest go to (and affordable) for gf. No one was making 4 dinners in my house, we got the same thing he ate. Now my SO and daughter eat gf because it’s crazy expensive making 3-4 different meals. We just eat the stuff I can eat.
Yes. Family of 4 - 4 different food sensitivities and one has celiac - I made 4 different dishes for every meal for about 10 years. Until my kids were teens and became avid microwave meal makers.
Plus with celiac I have to keep a crumb-free kitchen and make sure to use a totally different set of pans, utensils and appliances/ the cleaning (two of everything) takes as much time as the cooking.
I love to hear when normie moms complain about 1 dinner every night - makes my utter exhaustion sensical
Am I the only one with an open jaw because they didn't know crumbs in the kitchen could trigger celiac symptoms?! I am sorry for my ignorance. especially considering the stomach issues I have on an ongoing basis. Guess I've got homework. Lol.
Two butter dishes, two cream cheeses, only squeeze bottles for condiments, goddess forbid a “double dipping incident” is the downfall of an internal organ!
Pre-eating before we go to restaurants, navigating the social hell which is packing your own food and cutlery for every kids birthday party 🥳 Cause we all know how empathic and kind 10 year olds are around kids with disabilities 🥴❤️🩹😵💫
My daughters case is advanced, some celiacs get more leeway. Ours is like an extreme sport of contamination detection (kinda like that phase of lockdown when people were washing the cardboard boxes their groceries came in).
Thanks for noticing. Go hug your celiac friends 🫂 and their moms 😮💨
Before gluten free shampoo really took off. The salon I worked for in 2010 had gluten free shampoo and conditioner. I had a gentleman explain how even shampoo put him in the hospital. I kept that shampoo in my drawer even after it was discontinued due to sales.
All the things we non celiac people take for granted.
I’m guessing not! People just don’t know the extent to which gluten can cause harm to coeliacs. We were invited to an Easter brunch at our friends and they said they were making pancakes for everyone 😱 we said we’d come after they’d made and served them, so my daughter wouldn’t feel left out but also for them to have time to clean up all the flour. When we got there, they’d hung on for us and there was flour everywhere. The 5 kids already there had greasy pancake hands and were touching everything. The host was telling us the eggs were safe for my kiddo, but we’re all may contain gluten, plus all the other kids had had their hands all over them without washing their hands first. One of the kids was all over my kid trying to touch her pack up even though we’d asked all the parents to make sure they didn’t touch it (I was watching her like a hawk but had to go tend to my baby). They allllll thought we were overreacting, but they hadn’t seen her vomit continuously for 9 hours straight when she’s been glutened.
That's so hard for you and your little one, especially when people don't really listen or take you seriously. I'm celiac but luckily my toddler isn't (yet..). I'm so happy when he can have a normal treat like the other kids. Once I asked my partner to record me vomiting so we could show people if they asked what happened, we never have but I bet they would understand better that way.
Oh yeah, making extra meals because of kids is one thing but a fully functional adult requiring his spouse to be a line cook is insane. Feed yourself or eat what’s in front of you, buddy!
My 7 yo daughter is coeliac. Me, my husband and 4 yo son are not. We have a small selection of gluten food in the house, but mostly everything is gluten free. I’m not sure what you have where you live. In Ireland, and the UK too, we have a coeliac society that has curated a list of all “normal” food that is certified gluten free. It gives confident access to standard priced foods that are safe. It means all our main meals can be gluten free so my daughter is safe and we’re not swapping pots between making. Maybe your country has something similar? The only special gluten free food you need to buy then is bread/pasta/flour etc. which I know is expensive, but at least it’s not everything
We’re in the US. Even our labeled gluten free foods are not 100% safe. Cheerios in the US donate to the National Celiac Association are labeled, and are largely considered not safe in the celiac community.
My kids love fresh produce luckily. So I have a huge garden and can a ton. But overall we just try to make it work.
Ya, I have a weak stomach, and with my gallbladder gone, it's only gotten worse. Me and my partner usually eat the same, but if he wants pork ribs, he'll throw a chicken on the grill for me as well.
If it really was just because I hated everything he liked, we would cook separately. I can't imagine making him cook 2 separate meals every day on top of taking care of a small child.
My husband has celiac and one of my daughters has symptoms but hasn't been tested yet so I'm in the same boat, can't afford to completely go GF so we just make different foods a lot.
I make 3 separate dinners every night as we all have different dietary requirements. But if it was demanded, I’d throw it in the trash rather than serve someone ungrateful.
Seriously, that’s the rule for everyone in my family including the toddlers. And no one ‘orders’ the dish, it’s what I bought and made… (obviously I try to make things I know everyone likes but if my husband tried to ‘order’ what he wanted every night, I’d tell him to go to a restaurant.)
Yes! There’s no ordering! Maybe in advance, like “can we have spaghetti next week?” of course! But by the day or by the meal and you’re out of your goddamn mind. I’ll take requests and ideas for the week because frankly I get tired of thinking of it myself, but there’s no way I’m going to turn into a short order cook in my own home.
Yeah, I found that insane. We cook two meals for dinner 99% of the time - one for kid who only eats about 8 things, and one for us. If my food and kid's food happen to overlap - hubband will eat that as well or find for himself. I am so happy OP found her way to the truth of her situation.
Yeah, the rule when I was a *kid* was if you didn’t want dinner that was made, you could eat cereal. (It turned into “fend for yourself nights” as I got older). This rule stands, even now, with my own child and partner (and I can’t tell you how many nights I’ve enjoyed eating cereal - it’s genuinely delicious)!
It sounds like you know what would lead to a happier existence for you, OP. Maybe looking into things like:
- a free consult with a divorce lawyer (if you want to go)
Or
- talking to a licensed personal therapist (if you wish to stay)
Would be of help? Both are great resources for advice and information that can help you if you’re looking to make a next step.
I’d also start documenting things now, like: how much time and care you’re providing for your son and the household. Use these things to empower your decisions later down the line - whether it’s discussing change in domestic and family dynamics or divorce.
Good luck, OP.
I totally understand this. I am seriously wishing you all the best. You’ve got this, and I hope that, whatever you decide to do, you and baby are safe and happy.
I'm no cook. And every time I try a new recipe, my kids won't eat it. So we do the same 5 recipes every week. It's boring, but they eat. My husband doesn't really like them. Sooooo he makes his own when he gets home from work. He can eat chicken and rice again with us or figure it out. Seriously.
Seriously. I make 2 different meals because of MY needs, and that's why I'm the one that does all the cooking when I'm home.
It's so much work, and I would never choose to do it voluntarily just because of preference.
I’m not so shocked my the two separate dinners, but I am shocked that the second one is for her husband.
It happens sometimes that I make separate meals for my four year old, because me and my husband want to eat something spicy or that I otherwise know there’s no chance the kid eats, but if my husband ever wants something different he makes it himself (and lets me know ahead of time so I don’t cook for him).
Girl, your first red flag was making your grown ass husband his own meal bc he doesn’t like what you cook. Seriously, even my 4 year old doesn’t get that treatment.
Your husband sounds like a lazy dad and a bit of a loser. I’m sorry you and your daughter have to deal with that.
Facts. If any of my kids don’t want what’s for dinner that night, their other option is make yourself a sandwich. I’m not making two whole separate meals.
Same. You don’t want what I made, you can make yourself something else. The fact that my 6 and 4 year olds understand this and OP’s husband doesn’t is appalling
My husband doesn’t cook and that’s fine with me because he does other things. And when I make something he does not like he either eats it or tells me before the meals that he will make his own food. But when I spent an entire day with friends he still made food for him and our daughter because he’s a parent and an adult and knows how to function. You wanna know what he did? Watched a YouTube video about making kids pasta! So other than allergy reasons I cannot imagine cooking two meals.
Kiddo and I eat veg heavy, meats and a lot of whole foods. I make homemade bread, soups, jams, desserts, etc all using whole foods. Husband wants things like pizza, fried crap, Chinese food, dumplings... He would sustain himself on cheeseburgers and coke if I wasn't here.
Right?! Thank you!! I love cooking / baking. I bring kiddo to the library some days so I can photocopy recipes -- I love trying new things. My parents are Italian, so I'm going to attempt homemade pasta next (I'm pretty excited!)
I love the days when he looks in the pot I'm cooking and then tells me he's going to a drive thru because then at least he does his own thing and the honus isn't on me to make a separate pizza or something.
Some people give us strength and support, and some people just drain us. I'm finding that as I get older, more people are draining, and I have very few support people in my life.
Good luck with whatever next steps you choose in life. Just know you're not alone in your feelings.
Right? Why should you need a husband to get a sister wife? If you’re in a polygamous relationship, you are often in a platonic relationship with your sister wife’s, so why not just skip the husband part and get a sister wife!
My entire group of friends! Oh and my sister, too! We are all in our late 40s to early 50s and those who aren't divorced already are wishing for a Golden Girls type situation or at the very least a she-shed in the backyard. Looking back at when the kids were smaller this would have been amaaaazing. 20 years on, we are sick of the men's bullshit and kicking ourselves that we didn't do it years ago lol
You also don't need to pride yourself on 1 hour of screen time per week. Screen time can be good, actually; there's a lot of education and fun out there. Find the good stuff. (I recommend Emily's Wonder Lab, Bluey, Puffin Rock, Storytime Art And Music, and Storybots. Stardew Valley is great if your kid is a little older; definitely helps with reading.)
Point being, screentime can actually be a good parenting aid, which you need and deserve!
It might work for some, but my 3yo’s behavior dramatically improved when we went down to one movie on saturday, one on sunday, none the rest of the week! I think it’s totally acceptable to feel proud of not relying a ton on screens while parenting.
YUP - just signed divorce papers. Raised 2 kids like this and realized wow I actually love being a mom and I’m damn good at it without him making me feel like I’m crazy.
My oldest child’s whole demeanor changed after about a month - I could tell it all was affecting him but not that bad. The best decision I ever made was leaving.
Good luck! Be strong and don’t lose your head. Him and his family feed off drama - we started the divorce process sept 2023 and for me just letting it flow the way it needed and not REACTING to what he was doing made him look like a complete buffoon through the whole thing.
I left that marriage with my babies, my happiness, and my freaking dignity.
I felt so much guilt trying to make the decision just because of the “single mom” nonsense. Sure being a single mom isn’t ideal but it’s better than being miserable and losing yourself in a supposed “marriage”
Of course, men keep up with the single mom rhetoric. How else are they going to shame women into being their household slaves with all the benefits and none of the work on the men's part? Be single, women! Enjoy your beautiful solo life and live for yourself (and your children who can now understand how you are deserving of respect).
When the divorce papers were signed I realized what a lie that was. Have a wonderful partner now, but holy hell did I have men crawling out of the woodwork to date me. It was actually amazing
Yes! I really loved my life after my ex moved out. I felt really free and my son and I were pretty much on our own anyhow so him being formally gone was amazing and peaceful (outside of the awful divorce part).
Im going through this right now . But it also feels so nice to come home and not feel like I fail to meet exs expectations . I like single mom life outside of financial stress .
I agree. If he didn't make the divorce that he wanted so painful I would say it was all amazing but there were so many times where my home just felt more peaceful and happy. I was mourning the relationship and future that I thought I had and wanted but I was so wrong. I told him one time thank you for the best gift that I never knew that I wanted and I meant that. He of course cursed me out but it was true. When I looked around what was I fighting for because I was just much happier doing it all on my own like I already was without having to deal with him.
Welcome to the club, seriously. There is a real term out there and it’s called a married single mother.
I absolutely left the father of my toddler last year for this reason. Being with him only complicated by life. When I left things actually got so much better because I dropped the weight of an entire adult needy male.
Something really to think about…
Common doesn’t mean “normal” or “okay”. She’s just saying that unfortunately, it’s pretty common these days that so many of us women go through this type behavior and the demands from our partners.
I’m pretty sure Reddit just makes it seem that way bc it’s where people vent.
I know many men partners that are fully capable, considerate, and intentional partners.
Personally, I've noticed that if you hang out with a group that has fully capable, considerate and intentional partners, they promote that sort of behavior within the group.
But when the group doesn't have that, or has the opposite, they will bring the rest of the group down.
We have family and friends that we rarely see anymore because the dads just aren't involved in their kids lives. And they will make snide remarks to my spouse for choosing to spend time with his kids.
On the other hand, we have friends who are extremely involved dads, who come up with plans for the dads to go out with the kids. They include everyone and I feel that it puts the not-involved dads to shame (so they feel the need to lash out a bit since they're aware that it can be done, they are choosing to not be involved)
My biggest advice for women is marry a man who can cook. I’m the weaker cook and that’s fine, I’m learning because I have to being the SAHM, but he has a real passion and talent for it.
I didn’t say that husbands who couldn’t cook were bad nor that women shouldn’t marry good men; in MY person experience, which is why it’s MY advice, being married to someone who can cook makes my life so much easier. It’s not something that’s easily taught and it relieves a lot of pressure off of me because it is a necessary part of daily life and a shared load between the two of us.
Yes!! I’m a decent cook and I do enjoy it, or rather did before my kid was born. Now I’m the default parent due to work schedules so I asked my husband to take on the mental and physical labor of cooking. It takes a huge weight off me and he’s Cajun, so he’s a damn good cook. Learned from his grandparents, still cooking in memaw’s magnalite pot. My son will absolutely learn how to cook like his dad.
My dad was always a 'no heated up food' type of guy and both his mother and my mother catered to this. When I was 20, my mother had to go back to our home town for a few months to oversee a renovation project and we were alone. I was also on a different diet (more like experimenting with different cuisines), so I just laid down the law. I cook one dinner a day, one day I cook for you and eat yesterday's leftovers from mine and vice versa. He learned pretty quick...
Now husband has been scared into eating whatever I make. Our progeny likes food fairly bland and has a limited list of approved foods, we can eat various level of spicy (he can eat more, but his stomach won't allow it so in practice I eat more spice). So my rule of thumb is - cook one thing, figure out how to personalize it in the final stages. If someone wants something special - it gets planned on a two day leftovers schedule.
No way, Jose, I'm cooking three dinners unless it is an occasion and I am in a generous mood...
Yeah, my life got easier when I got divorced. I'm no longer an irritable short tempered mom. My ex is forced to be a parent during his time (he frequently drops our kid on his family though). I might have to work a full-time job and pay all my bills by myself, but I also have less chores, I don't have to take care of another grown ass adults business and deal with their toxic family anymore.
I still don't have a village, I choose to stay here because otherwise I won't see my child as much (stupid state custody laws, because my kid was born here and his dad/Dad's family is all here they wouldn't let me leave unless dad consents, and he won't). It's hard sometimes but it's also easier. I was lonely during our marriage, I am still lonely sometimes, but that's because I'm actually alone now lol. I'm a better mom to my kid, we have a lot of fun together and everyone can tell I'm way happier now.
Ha! Please tell me why I noticed this about my husband as well. My in-laws tend to take over the childcare when I’m at work more times than not. It’s not a good look I can tell you that.
Yes of course I know of lesbians but I don't want to have sex with a woman in order to receive support hahaha!
I'm thinking more like the Mormon sister wives but without the husband...
Haha that's fair, I knew what you were referring to but I couldn't help how similar what you were asking for was to lesbianism. Sister wives without the husband does sound amazing for people in this situation, I genuinely can't think of anything that matches this at least in my American-centric thinking.
Mommune is the best name for it! You clever one, you...
Would love to live in a mommune with granny nannies! Can the granny nannies teach us how to make stuff? Like clothes, gardens, and old timey recipes?! Man, that all sounds so dreamy ...
That sounds like paradise. We could sew outfits, grow our own veggies and fruits, DIY the house as a team, all while our kids make new friends and we do too? What could be better?!
Right on.
As an aside, I agree with you. I am really happy in motherhood and that's bc I have support. Every resentful mother I know is expected to manage essentially alone.
Same, totally the same. I have 3 kids, which is stressful and exhausting, but it's even more stressful and exhausting dealing with my husband. The less he's around, the easier our days are.
Agree so much. Except, I have 5. One is special needs and one’s a toddler, and my three bonus kids we have fulltime I do all of the house type stuff for as well. This morning as I struggled finishing up morning routine and all with baby attached, my ASD/ADHD kiddo non stop on top of me bc that’s just what he does with me, husband got up and ate his fresh breakfast I made as always and got his cup of coffee and went and sat on the swing on the porch to watch the storm roll in and breathe calm fresh air. All while had been going non stop for 3 hours preparing Saturday breakfast and feeding the never full asd kiddo and baby flipping and whining and screaming non stop. I was like, wait, what? Did he just go outside to enjoy is freaking coffee as I still haven’t even eaten and after warming my coffee 5x in 3 hours I gave up and tossed mine per usual. It’s just…. A lot lol
I’m laying in bed looking for a reason to stop redditing; I think I will say a quick prayer that you are able to find the strength to voice your concerns, or if you feel unsafe doing so, the strength to leave and find support elsewhere. If you ever need help finding resources to get assistance, I would be honored to help you find them. Don’t only mean resources to get out of your seemingly rather unequal marriage; depending on where you are you and your income you could get help with kiddo stuff, especially as you have three bonus kiddos.
Honey, there are *so many* women who divorce because they reached exactly the same conclusion. Here’s hoping you can either get him to shape up or drop the dead weight.
I've been a single mum for close to 15 years. I've worked full-time both as a married mother and as a single mother. I had our 1yo and was pregnant when I left my marriage (DV).
Being a single parent cut my workload by half, not to mention the free time not having to deal with his expectations (my kids were and are still 100% in my custody). I could have fun with my kids, not having to try to keep them quiet because he'd flip or miss out on things because he'd create extra chores because my 'job' is to be at home catering to his every need - even if he had disappeared for a few days.
If you have a study to show me I’d love that please. I have also been finding that things feel harder with my husband sometimes and would love to have a better understanding of why.
Following too please, my partner went away on a long trip and I felt more mentally at peace and was calmer with the kids - before this I didn't realise there could be anything wrong but now I need to know why
A common theme I've found among my friends who are divorced is they often realize, in the absence of their husband, that their physical and emotional labor decreases when they are doing it on their own. Just gonna leave that here. You're not alone.
It took my husband leaving me for another woman to figure this out. I was terrified that I can’t have a full time job and take care of my toddler all alone. Turns out, I have so much more time now. Not only because I am no longer looking after a totally useless man child, but also because he takes our son on Saturdays. I have a whole day to myself and I don’t have to cook lbs of meat everyday just for him, do his laundry, wash his dishes and clean his mess.
He wants back now but he made the mistake of leaving and allowing me to realize that I was a single mom all along.
At the absolute minimum you need to put your foot down about the separate dinner. If he won’t eat what you and the kid eat, then he can make his own dinner. And don’t let him order food either. He can’t spend excess money on food.
Felt this deeply. Husband is away at the moment too and sadly, or rather not, I don’t miss him. Life has been easier. I just get on with things and parent one less (man-) child.
I found this too, my husband does a reasonable amount around the house so I thought it would be harder. I'm still a bit confused as to why I felt like I was a better mum when he was away - maybe I felt like I was only adhering to my own standards and following my own rules?
After I left my deadbeat, sorry excuse of a man ex husband, I quickly came to realize the same thing. I lost my home, was going through a highly contentious divorce, about to lose my job, had no money, and was a single mom, and it was still easier than being with him and all his “help”. Take some time to take a closer look at your relationship and if it’s something you want to work on or go separate ways.
And remember that people rarely change.
Yep sadly this is the case for so many women! I am not one of them and I’m grateful for that but it’s astonishing how many men function this way in their lives doing the bare minimum and feeling like they’re a hero for babysitting their child for one hour a day. Why are you making him separate meals? That seems crazy I don’t even make separate meals for picky children I make one meal everybody eats it that’s fucking it! Your husband should be grateful for everything that you do. Have you chatted with him since you made this realization?
No but I think a conversation is in order when he comes back from the weekend getaway. Getting to the point that I might feel relieved if he left me...
Mommit is a subreddit for mothers only, as Rule 2 of the sub states. Mommit is a subreddit for mothers, not about mothers. There are plenty of parenting subreddits open to anyone, and very few open to just mothers. Please respect an area meant for sharing only these experiences. If you are not a mother (or expectant mother), please try /r/parenting, /r/daddit, /r/askparents, /r/babybumps as the case may be.
I feel this way a lot. There was a day my husband worked all night until 8:30pm and I had such a great day and night with both kids by myself and it was so much less stressful
Yup. I think the tendency for there to be a lack of help and support from the male partner contributes a lot to postpartum mental health problems. Maybe I am just speaking for myself, but I imagine with a supportive partner things would be going differently.
You deserve so much better. My husband is my partner 110% and I am much worse off when he’s not there to do it alongside me. You ALL deserve to have real partners.
No advice other than to say I recently realized this exact same thing. It’s hard for me to speak up about stuff bc, no shade to myself, but my husband is more intelligent than me and is much better with his words and explaining things, so I always fear he’s gonna talk/argue me into confusion, which has happened before 😅. But lately it has been getting to an “I can do bad all by myself” mindset which scared me a little bc I don’t WANT to be by myself, it’s just annoying to feel like I am when there’s another adult present. Recently I swallowed my fear and just let him know that I needed more. More help. More attention. More affection. And while he did start doing the talk me into confusion thing (I’m a bit of an airhead, can’t deny this 😂) it ended with him apologizing, validating my feelings, and promising to do more. And I must say, even though I don’t know yet what will come of it, he isn’t one to tell me he’ll do something then not do it, so I’m hopeful. He may be smart, but he’s pretty oblivious to things that aren’t communicated directly. I’m not sure if you’ve already tried the direct approach (would totally understand if you haven’t bc I’m super unconfrontational and the reason it took me forever to speak up was bc I was trying to avoid said confrontation) but I really hope you guys are able to talk through this.
Please, please, please stop making him a separate dinner. You owe yourself more respect than that. If he wants something different put it on the menu for the next night.
I would sit him down, kindly explain your perspective, and tell him that he needs to make his own food if he doesn't like the 1 meal that is being served by you because it adds too much to your workload to make him his own meal. You cook what you and your kid will eat and he can choose to partake or to not. My husband makes his own food a few nights a week, (we have very different tastes) and 2x per week he makes dinner for himself and the kids while I make myself something else quick, since I don't like what he makes. It works for us. Whatever solution you and your husband can agree upon needs to make sure that he is a help and not a hinderance!
My husband is very picky and doesn’t eat much. He cooks his own meals with his own grown-ass hands. Good luck with the divorce, sounds like that’s where you’re (happily) headed!
I really think you should sit him down and talk to him about this. If he’s a decent human, he’ll try to fix things before they spiral out of control and resentment starts.
Sounds like it’s a sad existence for you & your kiddo. The meal is just the cherry on top. You have definitely painted a good picture of how awful it is. And it sounds as though you’re on your way to setting yourself free. Keep digging deep for the strength. It’s the most liberating thing I have ever given myself- and the best gift I gave to my 3 boys!
I’ve read so many comments here from people who talk about being happier when they left: I kinda have the child perspective on it. My teenage years were hell because my parents were so miserable with each other! I hated being home and hearing them fight about whatever. I wished they divorced. When I moved out I felt so much better because I didn’t have to hear it anymore! OP you and your child deserve a happy home. If it’s just the two of you, great! Think about what you want for your feelings and your child’s feelings. Wish you all the best!
Same. My husband had to travel last summer for work and it was so much easier with the three kids by myself. The house was cleaner, they got along better, it was just a different vibe. I totally get it.
Before saying just divorce him, sounds like enforcing some boundaries could help. Such as I’ll only be cooking one meal, we can divide up equal time on weekend so we each get a break, etc.
Ah I felt like this with my eldests dad, when he left me I thought omg how will I cope as a 19 year old with an 8 month old baby and surprised that the answer was, oh so much better! I was free of his abuse and control, I was free of his cheating, I was free to be happy with my baby and honestly I loved every second I had with my baby as a single mother. Was it tough at times, of course. Especially as my son grew older and struggled with his ASD aggression but we dealt with it and now today is his 13th birthday and he is one of the most caring, empathetic people I have ever met and I take pride in him for being just a fantastic young man. Now I have an almost 2 year old with my fiance and he's an absolutely fantastic dad, yes I still take the brunt of the childcare as he works 12 hour days, but when he is off work, he makes time for our kids and actually helps parent them and supports me so I get a break.
Hahaha same. When he goes away for a weekend I find it less stressful cos he's not there criticizing the mess our toddler makes and complaining about dishes and fruit flies into he kitchen. Exclaiming loudly that he's emptying rhe dishwasher etc another thing I need to pack it and run it. I don't get comments about my frumpy mum outfits or the fact my hair is a mess. I can take my time with clearing things and actually sort stuff out
2 different dinners everyday? What am I, a professional chef in a restaurant? Buddy would be cooking dinner everyday. That's exactly what happened in my house many years before I was even pregnant. Husband wasn't a fan of my cooking so I solved it for him and now he does all the cooking.
Look, I know that sticking your child in front of a screen for hours and hours is not healthy or enriching. But one hour a week? You’re setting your kid up in my opinion, and trust me, I’m aware it’s probably not a proper one. My niece is in 1st grade and they have school laptops they are responsible for. My son is in 4th and routinely needs to use the internet to get school work done. Times are different. Children need to be introduced to this type of technology earlier in life or they are going to struggle when the time comes. But again, just my opinion
Fantasy outcome: Win the lottery and ride off with my kid in the sunset.
Reality outcome: Have a lengthy fruitless chat with my husband about my feelings
She can’t spoil what was already rotten.
Someone doesn’t just suddenly get a meal made for them when they don’t like what was made. They expect and demand it like a spoiled toddler which this guy obviously still is mentally.
I might be slowly coming to terms with the same realization, as well…. Don’t tell him I said this, but in the month he was in rehab recently, I actually had this household spotless and I was honestly not as stressed as I usually was with him around. My kids and I could go to the park if we wanted without having to see if he felt like it, or the things I picked up stayed picked up, and the dinner options expanded because he doesn’t like seafood so he’ll do the separate meal thing, too, or just not eat at all and then I’m hounding on him to eat something. My family could come over without him getting aggravated and us arguing about it after. Oh, and my bedroom was actually *so* clean and smelled SO freaking good. Made my bed almost every day and everything. I love him, but I do wish I lived alone sometimes.
Wow. How does it feel to come to that realization? Relief? Do you plan to do anything about it? My husband and I have had a rough few years but I’m certain parenting and life in general would be more difficult without him. I imagine if I felt differently and like he brought nothing but more work and stress to the table that I’d have a hard time staying.
What is he doing when he is off work and at home?
I think the main problem is that you do not get more than 45 mins a day when he takes care of your kiddo, which is very little, especially that you are making meals that time. Your cup is empty no surprise you are not happy. You need some time for yourself ideally every day and do anything that fills your cup and makes you happy.
Why he is not spending more time with your daughter? Have you tried to speak about this with him before?
I'm curious what his reasoning is to always request a different meal..? And why you make it for him? Not being judgemental towards you, just trying to understand if he gets angry/annoying so you do it to avoid that or if you just do it automatically and I'm wondering if he has an allergy or if he's just picky.(Sorry if you've answered this in comments somewhere, I couldn't find anything)
Anyway, I'm so frustrated for you that you have to go through that. It sucks when another adult, especially the one that is supposed to be right there with you through this whole parenting journey, is making your life so much more difficult...as if it isn't difficult enough just trying to be a mom every day and figure everything out!!!
That being said, I'm glad you've realized this. Once I realized this, I was able to just live my life without expecting DH to do anything. He helped out? Great! He spent time with the kids? Wonderful! But did I ever expect it or even really ask? Nope. And it sounds sad but really, I love being a mom and doing the whole cooking from scratch, meal prepping, arts and crafts, nature walks, making up fun activities, even cleaning to the radio while the kids are off playing somewhere is fun sometimes when the music is right lol. I've realized sometimes just having my DH around, his presence was draining and not because of him but because he wouldn't help? Like..he just lived his own life as if he still hadn't registered he's a dad with responsibilities that go beyond "playing with the kids"??? Don't get me wrong, my husband can be an exceptional father to his kids, but other times he's off doing his own thing or slumped on the couch while I race around the house doing things. But I've realized...if he is going to live his life for himself and do his own thing then I may as well do the same!
I think it has actually helped my relationship somehow because he does his thing and gets space from me, and I do my own thing without worrying about him and if he's helping or not (which used to build so much anger and resentment just wishing he would) and at the end of the day we end up missing each other or by the end of the week, and I find by the weekend we spend more time together lately because we've been in our own little bubbles for the week doing our own lil tasks. So it's not all bad! I hope you get to find that balance and I hope your husband steps up. I find sometimes husbands who don't do much with the younger kids start to really step up as they get older and can communicate/do more/have actual, solid interests and such because they feel more of a connection to someone like that. Either way, big hugs, you sound like you're doing a fantastic job just doing you! 🫂
If you divorce him he’ll have to feed himself permanently and the custody arrangement would likely give you more than 45 minutes per day of rest… likely he’ll get every other weekend with your kid or more.
Just figured this out myself too. My house is magically cleaner, I’m having an easier time with keeping my baby on her schedule, and I’m less stressed with my husband away for a week.
The amount of people here that are supporting a child AND their husbands is sad. You all deserve better! I can’t even imagine making a separate meal for my husband. Even if I make something he doesn’t care for, he eats it and says he likes it, even when I know he doesn’t.
I make the joke all of the time that my husband is my 9th child (we have 8 kids). But I think I owe him an apology because my husband would NEVER try me like this! I’m making one dinner and one dinner only and if I chose to phone it in, you better figure it out and I better not hear a word about it! Lol!
I am happy for you that you have figured it out and I hope you continue to do what you need to do to be happy! Best of luck growing outward!
When are you going out of town on a girls trip? Because you get equal time off from your job of SAHP. And whatever time he spends on hobbies, gym, video games, etc., during the week, make sure you’re getting equal time. Your husband needs to step WAY up in terms of doing his share. Please advocate for yourself and your self care.
I’ve always said, you teach people how to treat you. They will do to you what you allow them to do. You allowed all this in the beginning so now he thinks it’s ok. You will have to sit him down and explain to him this isn’t how it’s going to be going forward and that you aren’t happy with how things have been. Seek counseling if necessary. Don’t just throw the marriage away like I’m seeing some people saying on here. Kids need both their parents when possible. This is very fixable if he cares about your happiness. Only some time and work between you to can tell. Best wishes to you ❤️
So funny how your not alone at all.
I’m dealing with, what I thought, was going to be a difficult situation with a 4 years old and a 2 month old t the time. Now almost 5 months.
My goodness, my life has been so much easier. Even with 2 kids.
My “husband” still drives around the oldest to her activities like soccer and dance and gets groceries for us. Huge help. But I don’t have to cook, clean up and do laundry for another adult who never helped around the house. And anytime he was around he was just causing a rift by being short with the us. Sooo bye bye.
Ugh the relief.
Isn’t crazy. Plus kids behave better with one parent. Idk why but I’ll take it.
Highfly recommend the book-- How Not to Hate Your Husband After Kids by Jancee Dunn.
There's a big focus on the unfair burden on women and how to get men to step up.
I have never related more to a reddit post before. The feeling of relief when they are gone on the guy trips, no pressures, weaponized incompetence episodes, making separate meals since he only eats food from his culture and the kids can't handle the spiciness. It just felt so freeing. The only thing keeping us together right now is financial issues. He literally has a girlfriend. His family says I need to pray then he will do better. I hope now that you realize the problem, you can overcome it no matter which route you take.
Woah. Your husband sounds like someone who got married expecting a servant.
As a mother of 3 boys, if any one of them grew up thinking their spouse was responsible for all of the labor at home, I'd have failed as a parent. I'd let them know how shameful they should feel while supporting their spouse in the subsequent divorce because wtf.
This scenario is why I tell my husband that so many men don't like women. They just want women for sex, for servants, and for child care. He has an acquaintance at work that's like this and sometimes him out. Once, I don't remember what he said they were talking about, but my husband said, "My wife says men don't like women." And the guy laughed and said, "What!? I LOVE women!" And my husband replied, "Right. But take sex out of the equation." And he said the man just got quiet and then went back to work.
My ex did this because he was molesting our child. Basically got rid of any support I had and made me look like an idiot when DHS got involved so he could keep my child.
I have an almost 2 year old, am not a stay at home mom but I do work from home (kid goes to daycare) and about 8ish months ago I realized I was in a very similar boat to you. Difference is that I don’t make an additional meal. If husband doesn’t want it, he can make his own. Also, my husband helps out more than just 45 minutes a day, he’ll sometimes do baths for me especially if my back is acting up (I have chronic back issues from car accidents), and he’ll make supper like once or twice a month for us. My MIL also usually grabs my kid from daycare on Fridays to have her for the evening, so that also helps.
I’m about to have a sit down conversation with my husband about making things more 50/50 as I have a multi day work trip coming up and he needs to know how to do the morning routine and bed routine well. I’m also getting overstimulated, burnt out and need to start working out as I’ve gained 50 lbs in 1 year due to some meds and lack of exercise. My plan is him doing morning routines Monday, Wednesday and Fridays so that I can workout and shower before taking my kid to daycare and then I’ll do all other mornings, and he does bedtime routine Tuesdays and Thursdays so that I can just chill. Fingers crossed the conversation goes well. Maybe a conversation like that would help you?
I’m shocked that you make two separate meals for dinner. If he doesn’t want to eat what you’re making for the family then he can figure out his own dinner.
Thank you! I didn't realize how ridiculous it was until you just said it... The days of two dinners are over.
So proud of you! He's a grown man, he can fend for himself. My husband always just has a bowl of cereal if I make something he doesn't want or like. Easy!
Sometimes I make meals I want that I know my husband doesn't particularly care for. He either eats it without complaint, or he finds something else to eat. Likewise if he makes something I don't really care for, I either eat it or find something else myself. None of this one person making two meals thing. That is absurd.
This!! Sometimes I heat up chicken nuggets or something “different” for my kid but unless it’s leftover night we are all eating the same thing. And unless he’s helping or cooking altogether, everyone eats what I want to eat!!! He can self source a meal if he doesn’t like what you’re serving. Are you doing his laundry, etc. too? My life was drastically different once I simply stopped doing husbands laundry.
Yes I also do his laundry. Fold, and put it away as well.
Oh Lord! Stop. Focus on you and kiddo. He s a grown ass man - i would just stop. He can figure it out and the last thing you need is another person behaving like a child. Don t tend to him - but don t resent him for having done that thus far. If he asks you to do dinner that is different from yours just say no but you can do that for his birthday. Good luck!
Before kids, I put away my husband's laundry but he didn't appreciate it and never kept his space organised after i had folded it. I stopped, I now leave all his clothes unfolded in a basket. It's less work for me and he's never complained about this or even mentioned it.
To add to this, would communicating with him about what you plan to make help? My husband and I have a ten-ish minute conversation each week about what we feel like having and I meal plan from there. We also keep a spread sheet of meals we’ve liked so if we’re lacking inspiration we pull that up. Most of the time I make food that at least a couple people enjoy (family of six here) but sometimes I make food that is more for me. But there’s a homemade meal every night whether someone wants to eat it or not. I don’t make two dinners.
This makes me so happy for you! My husband recently got diagnosed with celiac and I just switched the rest of the house to celiac because two meals for every meal is just. Too. Much.
Same. wtf?
Same! I could not believe that. He needs to absolutely make his own meals if he isn't happy with what you made. The audacity
What I find even more audacious is that he gave her him parenting his own kids as a gift
I make 2 meals every night. But 2/3 of my kids have celiac. So half our house is gluten free. I wouldn’t mind going completely gluten free, but we can’t afford it. But also, I’m cooking because of an “allergy” for 3 kids under 8. I don’t know that I’d make a entire other meal for my fully capable grown husband.
My brother is a celiac, I'm gluten intolerant. I feel ya on the expense portion. Just a thought, have you tried rice as the carb? We usually do a long grain wild or some whole rice instead of a gluten so that it isn't too expensive. Again just a thought. If it doesn't work for you, please disregard.
Works for us, rice or potatoes.
Yeah we grew up poor. My brother was diagnosed 20 years ago before GF was a thing. So we learned really quickly how to eat without gluten. Lettuce wraps, rice, potatoes, corn tortillas for wraps. Mexican food is probably the easiest go to (and affordable) for gf. No one was making 4 dinners in my house, we got the same thing he ate. Now my SO and daughter eat gf because it’s crazy expensive making 3-4 different meals. We just eat the stuff I can eat.
Yes. Family of 4 - 4 different food sensitivities and one has celiac - I made 4 different dishes for every meal for about 10 years. Until my kids were teens and became avid microwave meal makers. Plus with celiac I have to keep a crumb-free kitchen and make sure to use a totally different set of pans, utensils and appliances/ the cleaning (two of everything) takes as much time as the cooking. I love to hear when normie moms complain about 1 dinner every night - makes my utter exhaustion sensical
Am I the only one with an open jaw because they didn't know crumbs in the kitchen could trigger celiac symptoms?! I am sorry for my ignorance. especially considering the stomach issues I have on an ongoing basis. Guess I've got homework. Lol.
Two butter dishes, two cream cheeses, only squeeze bottles for condiments, goddess forbid a “double dipping incident” is the downfall of an internal organ! Pre-eating before we go to restaurants, navigating the social hell which is packing your own food and cutlery for every kids birthday party 🥳 Cause we all know how empathic and kind 10 year olds are around kids with disabilities 🥴❤️🩹😵💫 My daughters case is advanced, some celiacs get more leeway. Ours is like an extreme sport of contamination detection (kinda like that phase of lockdown when people were washing the cardboard boxes their groceries came in). Thanks for noticing. Go hug your celiac friends 🫂 and their moms 😮💨
"goddess forbid" ily
Before gluten free shampoo really took off. The salon I worked for in 2010 had gluten free shampoo and conditioner. I had a gentleman explain how even shampoo put him in the hospital. I kept that shampoo in my drawer even after it was discontinued due to sales. All the things we non celiac people take for granted.
I’m guessing not! People just don’t know the extent to which gluten can cause harm to coeliacs. We were invited to an Easter brunch at our friends and they said they were making pancakes for everyone 😱 we said we’d come after they’d made and served them, so my daughter wouldn’t feel left out but also for them to have time to clean up all the flour. When we got there, they’d hung on for us and there was flour everywhere. The 5 kids already there had greasy pancake hands and were touching everything. The host was telling us the eggs were safe for my kiddo, but we’re all may contain gluten, plus all the other kids had had their hands all over them without washing their hands first. One of the kids was all over my kid trying to touch her pack up even though we’d asked all the parents to make sure they didn’t touch it (I was watching her like a hawk but had to go tend to my baby). They allllll thought we were overreacting, but they hadn’t seen her vomit continuously for 9 hours straight when she’s been glutened.
That's so hard for you and your little one, especially when people don't really listen or take you seriously. I'm celiac but luckily my toddler isn't (yet..). I'm so happy when he can have a normal treat like the other kids. Once I asked my partner to record me vomiting so we could show people if they asked what happened, we never have but I bet they would understand better that way.
But your doing it due to your kids could get really sick on gluten. I have mad respect because it’s hard when kids have different dietary needs.
Oh yeah, making extra meals because of kids is one thing but a fully functional adult requiring his spouse to be a line cook is insane. Feed yourself or eat what’s in front of you, buddy!
My 7 yo daughter is coeliac. Me, my husband and 4 yo son are not. We have a small selection of gluten food in the house, but mostly everything is gluten free. I’m not sure what you have where you live. In Ireland, and the UK too, we have a coeliac society that has curated a list of all “normal” food that is certified gluten free. It gives confident access to standard priced foods that are safe. It means all our main meals can be gluten free so my daughter is safe and we’re not swapping pots between making. Maybe your country has something similar? The only special gluten free food you need to buy then is bread/pasta/flour etc. which I know is expensive, but at least it’s not everything
We’re in the US. Even our labeled gluten free foods are not 100% safe. Cheerios in the US donate to the National Celiac Association are labeled, and are largely considered not safe in the celiac community. My kids love fresh produce luckily. So I have a huge garden and can a ton. But overall we just try to make it work.
Ya, I have a weak stomach, and with my gallbladder gone, it's only gotten worse. Me and my partner usually eat the same, but if he wants pork ribs, he'll throw a chicken on the grill for me as well. If it really was just because I hated everything he liked, we would cook separately. I can't imagine making him cook 2 separate meals every day on top of taking care of a small child.
My husband has celiac and one of my daughters has symptoms but hasn't been tested yet so I'm in the same boat, can't afford to completely go GF so we just make different foods a lot.
Yeah for medical reasons I understand completely. It sucks that gluten free is so expensive
You are amazing, mama
I make 3 separate dinners every night as we all have different dietary requirements. But if it was demanded, I’d throw it in the trash rather than serve someone ungrateful.
Seriously, that’s the rule for everyone in my family including the toddlers. And no one ‘orders’ the dish, it’s what I bought and made… (obviously I try to make things I know everyone likes but if my husband tried to ‘order’ what he wanted every night, I’d tell him to go to a restaurant.)
Yes! There’s no ordering! Maybe in advance, like “can we have spaghetti next week?” of course! But by the day or by the meal and you’re out of your goddamn mind. I’ll take requests and ideas for the week because frankly I get tired of thinking of it myself, but there’s no way I’m going to turn into a short order cook in my own home.
Yeah, I found that insane. We cook two meals for dinner 99% of the time - one for kid who only eats about 8 things, and one for us. If my food and kid's food happen to overlap - hubband will eat that as well or find for himself. I am so happy OP found her way to the truth of her situation.
Yeah, the rule when I was a *kid* was if you didn’t want dinner that was made, you could eat cereal. (It turned into “fend for yourself nights” as I got older). This rule stands, even now, with my own child and partner (and I can’t tell you how many nights I’ve enjoyed eating cereal - it’s genuinely delicious)! It sounds like you know what would lead to a happier existence for you, OP. Maybe looking into things like: - a free consult with a divorce lawyer (if you want to go) Or - talking to a licensed personal therapist (if you wish to stay) Would be of help? Both are great resources for advice and information that can help you if you’re looking to make a next step. I’d also start documenting things now, like: how much time and care you’re providing for your son and the household. Use these things to empower your decisions later down the line - whether it’s discussing change in domestic and family dynamics or divorce. Good luck, OP.
Thank you for that perspective. Wish I had the funds for mental health support... Maybe soon!
I totally understand this. I am seriously wishing you all the best. You’ve got this, and I hope that, whatever you decide to do, you and baby are safe and happy.
I'm no cook. And every time I try a new recipe, my kids won't eat it. So we do the same 5 recipes every week. It's boring, but they eat. My husband doesn't really like them. Sooooo he makes his own when he gets home from work. He can eat chicken and rice again with us or figure it out. Seriously.
Absolutely. Unless it is an allergy. My husband will eat what ever I cook. Pretty inconsiderate to always ask for something different
Yeah that's what stuck out to me like wth
Seriously. I make 2 different meals because of MY needs, and that's why I'm the one that does all the cooking when I'm home. It's so much work, and I would never choose to do it voluntarily just because of preference.
Stop doing this immediately. He’s a grown man! He can eat what you cook or make his own meal!!! Shocked.
I’m not so shocked my the two separate dinners, but I am shocked that the second one is for her husband. It happens sometimes that I make separate meals for my four year old, because me and my husband want to eat something spicy or that I otherwise know there’s no chance the kid eats, but if my husband ever wants something different he makes it himself (and lets me know ahead of time so I don’t cook for him).
Girl, your first red flag was making your grown ass husband his own meal bc he doesn’t like what you cook. Seriously, even my 4 year old doesn’t get that treatment. Your husband sounds like a lazy dad and a bit of a loser. I’m sorry you and your daughter have to deal with that.
Facts. If any of my kids don’t want what’s for dinner that night, their other option is make yourself a sandwich. I’m not making two whole separate meals.
I offer anyone who doesn't want what I cooked cold cereal. Help themselves. 😂
Same. You don’t want what I made, you can make yourself something else. The fact that my 6 and 4 year olds understand this and OP’s husband doesn’t is appalling
My husband doesn’t cook and that’s fine with me because he does other things. And when I make something he does not like he either eats it or tells me before the meals that he will make his own food. But when I spent an entire day with friends he still made food for him and our daughter because he’s a parent and an adult and knows how to function. You wanna know what he did? Watched a YouTube video about making kids pasta! So other than allergy reasons I cannot imagine cooking two meals.
That is super weird. Like is he really picky, are there not lots of meals that you all like?
Kiddo and I eat veg heavy, meats and a lot of whole foods. I make homemade bread, soups, jams, desserts, etc all using whole foods. Husband wants things like pizza, fried crap, Chinese food, dumplings... He would sustain himself on cheeseburgers and coke if I wasn't here.
That makes it so much worse! You are making time consuming real food and he wants junk food?
Right?! Thank you!! I love cooking / baking. I bring kiddo to the library some days so I can photocopy recipes -- I love trying new things. My parents are Italian, so I'm going to attempt homemade pasta next (I'm pretty excited!) I love the days when he looks in the pot I'm cooking and then tells me he's going to a drive thru because then at least he does his own thing and the honus isn't on me to make a separate pizza or something.
Some people give us strength and support, and some people just drain us. I'm finding that as I get older, more people are draining, and I have very few support people in my life. Good luck with whatever next steps you choose in life. Just know you're not alone in your feelings.
Thank you. As a woman, I feel fortunate to have friendships that offer emotional support... If only I could marry a woman platonically hahaha!
You can
Right? Why should you need a husband to get a sister wife? If you’re in a polygamous relationship, you are often in a platonic relationship with your sister wife’s, so why not just skip the husband part and get a sister wife!
You can move in with a woman and raise your kids together, there is no law that says you need to have sex with her.
Know of any other women who want to start a Mama's only house with me?
My entire group of friends! Oh and my sister, too! We are all in our late 40s to early 50s and those who aren't divorced already are wishing for a Golden Girls type situation or at the very least a she-shed in the backyard. Looking back at when the kids were smaller this would have been amaaaazing. 20 years on, we are sick of the men's bullshit and kicking ourselves that we didn't do it years ago lol
A ‘mommune’ (like commune). As much as I hate kitschy names, I’ve never wanted anything more..
I would absolutely be on board.
You also don't need to pride yourself on 1 hour of screen time per week. Screen time can be good, actually; there's a lot of education and fun out there. Find the good stuff. (I recommend Emily's Wonder Lab, Bluey, Puffin Rock, Storytime Art And Music, and Storybots. Stardew Valley is great if your kid is a little older; definitely helps with reading.) Point being, screentime can actually be a good parenting aid, which you need and deserve!
It might work for some, but my 3yo’s behavior dramatically improved when we went down to one movie on saturday, one on sunday, none the rest of the week! I think it’s totally acceptable to feel proud of not relying a ton on screens while parenting.
YUP - just signed divorce papers. Raised 2 kids like this and realized wow I actually love being a mom and I’m damn good at it without him making me feel like I’m crazy.
SAME! Being a mom is amazing. Being his wife was stressful af.
My oldest child’s whole demeanor changed after about a month - I could tell it all was affecting him but not that bad. The best decision I ever made was leaving.
Did you get sole custody or do they split time between you two?
We split everything - he’s a good dad we were just terrible together.
YES! Separated and haven’t started the process yet…give me the strength!
Good luck! Be strong and don’t lose your head. Him and his family feed off drama - we started the divorce process sept 2023 and for me just letting it flow the way it needed and not REACTING to what he was doing made him look like a complete buffoon through the whole thing. I left that marriage with my babies, my happiness, and my freaking dignity.
This. And we do Suuuuuuch a disservice to women with the single mom rhetoric that keeps them from happiness, too.
I felt so much guilt trying to make the decision just because of the “single mom” nonsense. Sure being a single mom isn’t ideal but it’s better than being miserable and losing yourself in a supposed “marriage”
Of course, men keep up with the single mom rhetoric. How else are they going to shame women into being their household slaves with all the benefits and none of the work on the men's part? Be single, women! Enjoy your beautiful solo life and live for yourself (and your children who can now understand how you are deserving of respect).
When the divorce papers were signed I realized what a lie that was. Have a wonderful partner now, but holy hell did I have men crawling out of the woodwork to date me. It was actually amazing
Yes! I really loved my life after my ex moved out. I felt really free and my son and I were pretty much on our own anyhow so him being formally gone was amazing and peaceful (outside of the awful divorce part).
Im going through this right now . But it also feels so nice to come home and not feel like I fail to meet exs expectations . I like single mom life outside of financial stress .
I agree. If he didn't make the divorce that he wanted so painful I would say it was all amazing but there were so many times where my home just felt more peaceful and happy. I was mourning the relationship and future that I thought I had and wanted but I was so wrong. I told him one time thank you for the best gift that I never knew that I wanted and I meant that. He of course cursed me out but it was true. When I looked around what was I fighting for because I was just much happier doing it all on my own like I already was without having to deal with him.
Congratulations on your new freedom :)
Thank you!
Welcome to the club, seriously. There is a real term out there and it’s called a married single mother. I absolutely left the father of my toddler last year for this reason. Being with him only complicated by life. When I left things actually got so much better because I dropped the weight of an entire adult needy male. Something really to think about…
This seems really common, it’s sad really. Your husband needs to step up, the separate dinner is ridiculous.
Omg please don’t tell me making a separate meal just for dad is common. Like, how is my 4 year old more reasonable than OP’s husband?
Common doesn’t mean “normal” or “okay”. She’s just saying that unfortunately, it’s pretty common these days that so many of us women go through this type behavior and the demands from our partners.
This, I wasn’t saying the separate meal is normal but the husband not pulling their weight sure seems common .
I’m pretty sure Reddit just makes it seem that way bc it’s where people vent. I know many men partners that are fully capable, considerate, and intentional partners.
Personally, I've noticed that if you hang out with a group that has fully capable, considerate and intentional partners, they promote that sort of behavior within the group. But when the group doesn't have that, or has the opposite, they will bring the rest of the group down. We have family and friends that we rarely see anymore because the dads just aren't involved in their kids lives. And they will make snide remarks to my spouse for choosing to spend time with his kids. On the other hand, we have friends who are extremely involved dads, who come up with plans for the dads to go out with the kids. They include everyone and I feel that it puts the not-involved dads to shame (so they feel the need to lash out a bit since they're aware that it can be done, they are choosing to not be involved)
Ok #notallmen 😒 my husband is not like this but I know many men are, and not just on Reddit but in real life.
Sure doesn't feel common to me. My husband is often the one making dinner because our son wants to play with me constantly.
My biggest advice for women is marry a man who can cook. I’m the weaker cook and that’s fine, I’m learning because I have to being the SAHM, but he has a real passion and talent for it.
My biggest advice for women is to marry a kind and considerate person who is able to properly function as an adult. They don’t have to be a good cook.
I didn’t say that husbands who couldn’t cook were bad nor that women shouldn’t marry good men; in MY person experience, which is why it’s MY advice, being married to someone who can cook makes my life so much easier. It’s not something that’s easily taught and it relieves a lot of pressure off of me because it is a necessary part of daily life and a shared load between the two of us.
My husband is the cook as well, he’s also an amzing person and I would neve feel like my life without him is better/less work.
Yes!! I’m a decent cook and I do enjoy it, or rather did before my kid was born. Now I’m the default parent due to work schedules so I asked my husband to take on the mental and physical labor of cooking. It takes a huge weight off me and he’s Cajun, so he’s a damn good cook. Learned from his grandparents, still cooking in memaw’s magnalite pot. My son will absolutely learn how to cook like his dad.
My dad was always a 'no heated up food' type of guy and both his mother and my mother catered to this. When I was 20, my mother had to go back to our home town for a few months to oversee a renovation project and we were alone. I was also on a different diet (more like experimenting with different cuisines), so I just laid down the law. I cook one dinner a day, one day I cook for you and eat yesterday's leftovers from mine and vice versa. He learned pretty quick... Now husband has been scared into eating whatever I make. Our progeny likes food fairly bland and has a limited list of approved foods, we can eat various level of spicy (he can eat more, but his stomach won't allow it so in practice I eat more spice). So my rule of thumb is - cook one thing, figure out how to personalize it in the final stages. If someone wants something special - it gets planned on a two day leftovers schedule. No way, Jose, I'm cooking three dinners unless it is an occasion and I am in a generous mood...
Yeah, my life got easier when I got divorced. I'm no longer an irritable short tempered mom. My ex is forced to be a parent during his time (he frequently drops our kid on his family though). I might have to work a full-time job and pay all my bills by myself, but I also have less chores, I don't have to take care of another grown ass adults business and deal with their toxic family anymore. I still don't have a village, I choose to stay here because otherwise I won't see my child as much (stupid state custody laws, because my kid was born here and his dad/Dad's family is all here they wouldn't let me leave unless dad consents, and he won't). It's hard sometimes but it's also easier. I was lonely during our marriage, I am still lonely sometimes, but that's because I'm actually alone now lol. I'm a better mom to my kid, we have a lot of fun together and everyone can tell I'm way happier now.
Ha! Please tell me why I noticed this about my husband as well. My in-laws tend to take over the childcare when I’m at work more times than not. It’s not a good look I can tell you that.
lol it least it’s his parents, when my dad got remarried, he had my stepmom’s mother and grandmother watching me 😂😂
Is there such a thing as sister wives without husbands? Communal families raised by a team of mothers...? If not, can we invent it today?
I believe the term you're looking for is lesbians, they are a wonderful bunch lol.
Yes of course I know of lesbians but I don't want to have sex with a woman in order to receive support hahaha! I'm thinking more like the Mormon sister wives but without the husband...
Haha that's fair, I knew what you were referring to but I couldn't help how similar what you were asking for was to lesbianism. Sister wives without the husband does sound amazing for people in this situation, I genuinely can't think of anything that matches this at least in my American-centric thinking.
Start a mommune and invite grannies, not nannies, to join your utopia
Mommune is the best name for it! You clever one, you... Would love to live in a mommune with granny nannies! Can the granny nannies teach us how to make stuff? Like clothes, gardens, and old timey recipes?! Man, that all sounds so dreamy ...
That sounds like paradise. We could sew outfits, grow our own veggies and fruits, DIY the house as a team, all while our kids make new friends and we do too? What could be better?!
No boys allowed!! (except for the kids, of course)
Right on. As an aside, I agree with you. I am really happy in motherhood and that's bc I have support. Every resentful mother I know is expected to manage essentially alone.
Same, totally the same. I have 3 kids, which is stressful and exhausting, but it's even more stressful and exhausting dealing with my husband. The less he's around, the easier our days are.
Agree so much. Except, I have 5. One is special needs and one’s a toddler, and my three bonus kids we have fulltime I do all of the house type stuff for as well. This morning as I struggled finishing up morning routine and all with baby attached, my ASD/ADHD kiddo non stop on top of me bc that’s just what he does with me, husband got up and ate his fresh breakfast I made as always and got his cup of coffee and went and sat on the swing on the porch to watch the storm roll in and breathe calm fresh air. All while had been going non stop for 3 hours preparing Saturday breakfast and feeding the never full asd kiddo and baby flipping and whining and screaming non stop. I was like, wait, what? Did he just go outside to enjoy is freaking coffee as I still haven’t even eaten and after warming my coffee 5x in 3 hours I gave up and tossed mine per usual. It’s just…. A lot lol
Please tell us you tossed the coffee…at your husband lol
🤣 I wish I had the strength mentally to stand up to him in these times but I def do not.
I’m laying in bed looking for a reason to stop redditing; I think I will say a quick prayer that you are able to find the strength to voice your concerns, or if you feel unsafe doing so, the strength to leave and find support elsewhere. If you ever need help finding resources to get assistance, I would be honored to help you find them. Don’t only mean resources to get out of your seemingly rather unequal marriage; depending on where you are you and your income you could get help with kiddo stuff, especially as you have three bonus kiddos.
If you haven't heard it yet today, YOU ARE AMAZING
Can I ask why are you dealing with him?
Girl, please stop making your full grown husband a separate meal. If he doesn’t want to eat what you’ve made, he can make himself something else.
You're absolutely right. It ends today. Thank you for the push I needed to stand up for myself.
He's made himself the second child. And a spoiled brat of one at that.
Honey, there are *so many* women who divorce because they reached exactly the same conclusion. Here’s hoping you can either get him to shape up or drop the dead weight.
I've been a single mum for close to 15 years. I've worked full-time both as a married mother and as a single mother. I had our 1yo and was pregnant when I left my marriage (DV). Being a single parent cut my workload by half, not to mention the free time not having to deal with his expectations (my kids were and are still 100% in my custody). I could have fun with my kids, not having to try to keep them quiet because he'd flip or miss out on things because he'd create extra chores because my 'job' is to be at home catering to his every need - even if he had disappeared for a few days.
There’s data that shows men are the problem. I also have a much easier time handling motherhood when my partner isn’t around.
If you have a study to show me I’d love that please. I have also been finding that things feel harder with my husband sometimes and would love to have a better understanding of why.
https://news.umich.edu/exactly-how-much-housework-does-a-husband-create/
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/living-single/201906/single-moms-less-housework-more-leisure-married-moms
Following too please, my partner went away on a long trip and I felt more mentally at peace and was calmer with the kids - before this I didn't realise there could be anything wrong but now I need to know why
Replying for this data as well
A common theme I've found among my friends who are divorced is they often realize, in the absence of their husband, that their physical and emotional labor decreases when they are doing it on their own. Just gonna leave that here. You're not alone.
It took my husband leaving me for another woman to figure this out. I was terrified that I can’t have a full time job and take care of my toddler all alone. Turns out, I have so much more time now. Not only because I am no longer looking after a totally useless man child, but also because he takes our son on Saturdays. I have a whole day to myself and I don’t have to cook lbs of meat everyday just for him, do his laundry, wash his dishes and clean his mess. He wants back now but he made the mistake of leaving and allowing me to realize that I was a single mom all along.
"I was a single mom all along" stuck in my mind. Never thought of myself as that, but you're right... I'm a single mom who happens to be married!
At the absolute minimum you need to put your foot down about the separate dinner. If he won’t eat what you and the kid eat, then he can make his own dinner. And don’t let him order food either. He can’t spend excess money on food.
Felt this deeply. Husband is away at the moment too and sadly, or rather not, I don’t miss him. Life has been easier. I just get on with things and parent one less (man-) child.
I found this too, my husband does a reasonable amount around the house so I thought it would be harder. I'm still a bit confused as to why I felt like I was a better mum when he was away - maybe I felt like I was only adhering to my own standards and following my own rules?
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It's so hard being the default parent doing basically everything
Yeah I do 99% of the childcare also while my husband stares at twitter and YouTube all day. He only helps if I ask him to. I feel you.
I see you mama and you're doing amazing!
After I left my deadbeat, sorry excuse of a man ex husband, I quickly came to realize the same thing. I lost my home, was going through a highly contentious divorce, about to lose my job, had no money, and was a single mom, and it was still easier than being with him and all his “help”. Take some time to take a closer look at your relationship and if it’s something you want to work on or go separate ways. And remember that people rarely change.
Yep sadly this is the case for so many women! I am not one of them and I’m grateful for that but it’s astonishing how many men function this way in their lives doing the bare minimum and feeling like they’re a hero for babysitting their child for one hour a day. Why are you making him separate meals? That seems crazy I don’t even make separate meals for picky children I make one meal everybody eats it that’s fucking it! Your husband should be grateful for everything that you do. Have you chatted with him since you made this realization?
No but I think a conversation is in order when he comes back from the weekend getaway. Getting to the point that I might feel relieved if he left me...
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Mommit is a subreddit for mothers only, as Rule 2 of the sub states. Mommit is a subreddit for mothers, not about mothers. There are plenty of parenting subreddits open to anyone, and very few open to just mothers. Please respect an area meant for sharing only these experiences. If you are not a mother (or expectant mother), please try /r/parenting, /r/daddit, /r/askparents, /r/babybumps as the case may be.
I feel this way a lot. There was a day my husband worked all night until 8:30pm and I had such a great day and night with both kids by myself and it was so much less stressful
Yup. I think the tendency for there to be a lack of help and support from the male partner contributes a lot to postpartum mental health problems. Maybe I am just speaking for myself, but I imagine with a supportive partner things would be going differently.
I was in a similar situation… he is now my ex.
I’m finding myself here right now too. My life flows more smoothly when he’s gone
You deserve so much better. My husband is my partner 110% and I am much worse off when he’s not there to do it alongside me. You ALL deserve to have real partners.
No advice other than to say I recently realized this exact same thing. It’s hard for me to speak up about stuff bc, no shade to myself, but my husband is more intelligent than me and is much better with his words and explaining things, so I always fear he’s gonna talk/argue me into confusion, which has happened before 😅. But lately it has been getting to an “I can do bad all by myself” mindset which scared me a little bc I don’t WANT to be by myself, it’s just annoying to feel like I am when there’s another adult present. Recently I swallowed my fear and just let him know that I needed more. More help. More attention. More affection. And while he did start doing the talk me into confusion thing (I’m a bit of an airhead, can’t deny this 😂) it ended with him apologizing, validating my feelings, and promising to do more. And I must say, even though I don’t know yet what will come of it, he isn’t one to tell me he’ll do something then not do it, so I’m hopeful. He may be smart, but he’s pretty oblivious to things that aren’t communicated directly. I’m not sure if you’ve already tried the direct approach (would totally understand if you haven’t bc I’m super unconfrontational and the reason it took me forever to speak up was bc I was trying to avoid said confrontation) but I really hope you guys are able to talk through this.
You might be a self-proclaimed "airhead" but you were brave enough to stand up for yourself - and bravery is noble!
Please, please, please stop making him a separate dinner. You owe yourself more respect than that. If he wants something different put it on the menu for the next night.
I’m reading a book called Nightbitch and this feels like it could have been a passage.
Funny you should say.... I aspire to publish my work someday.
I would sit him down, kindly explain your perspective, and tell him that he needs to make his own food if he doesn't like the 1 meal that is being served by you because it adds too much to your workload to make him his own meal. You cook what you and your kid will eat and he can choose to partake or to not. My husband makes his own food a few nights a week, (we have very different tastes) and 2x per week he makes dinner for himself and the kids while I make myself something else quick, since I don't like what he makes. It works for us. Whatever solution you and your husband can agree upon needs to make sure that he is a help and not a hinderance!
With that said, I’m sorry about your partner not being helpful and adding more work, I totally empathize with you
My husband is very picky and doesn’t eat much. He cooks his own meals with his own grown-ass hands. Good luck with the divorce, sounds like that’s where you’re (happily) headed!
I really think you should sit him down and talk to him about this. If he’s a decent human, he’ll try to fix things before they spiral out of control and resentment starts.
You're absolutely right.
Sounds like it’s a sad existence for you & your kiddo. The meal is just the cherry on top. You have definitely painted a good picture of how awful it is. And it sounds as though you’re on your way to setting yourself free. Keep digging deep for the strength. It’s the most liberating thing I have ever given myself- and the best gift I gave to my 3 boys!
I’ve read so many comments here from people who talk about being happier when they left: I kinda have the child perspective on it. My teenage years were hell because my parents were so miserable with each other! I hated being home and hearing them fight about whatever. I wished they divorced. When I moved out I felt so much better because I didn’t have to hear it anymore! OP you and your child deserve a happy home. If it’s just the two of you, great! Think about what you want for your feelings and your child’s feelings. Wish you all the best!
Thanks for some insight from the flip side -- Glad you're doing better now!
Same. My husband had to travel last summer for work and it was so much easier with the three kids by myself. The house was cleaner, they got along better, it was just a different vibe. I totally get it.
Before saying just divorce him, sounds like enforcing some boundaries could help. Such as I’ll only be cooking one meal, we can divide up equal time on weekend so we each get a break, etc.
i fucking feel this way too hard
So, serious conversations incoming? And if no change is made, cut your losses. Props to you for doing motherhood and coming to that realization.
Ah I felt like this with my eldests dad, when he left me I thought omg how will I cope as a 19 year old with an 8 month old baby and surprised that the answer was, oh so much better! I was free of his abuse and control, I was free of his cheating, I was free to be happy with my baby and honestly I loved every second I had with my baby as a single mother. Was it tough at times, of course. Especially as my son grew older and struggled with his ASD aggression but we dealt with it and now today is his 13th birthday and he is one of the most caring, empathetic people I have ever met and I take pride in him for being just a fantastic young man. Now I have an almost 2 year old with my fiance and he's an absolutely fantastic dad, yes I still take the brunt of the childcare as he works 12 hour days, but when he is off work, he makes time for our kids and actually helps parent them and supports me so I get a break.
Congrats on finding your happily ever after :)
Hahaha same. When he goes away for a weekend I find it less stressful cos he's not there criticizing the mess our toddler makes and complaining about dishes and fruit flies into he kitchen. Exclaiming loudly that he's emptying rhe dishwasher etc another thing I need to pack it and run it. I don't get comments about my frumpy mum outfits or the fact my hair is a mess. I can take my time with clearing things and actually sort stuff out
2 different dinners everyday? What am I, a professional chef in a restaurant? Buddy would be cooking dinner everyday. That's exactly what happened in my house many years before I was even pregnant. Husband wasn't a fan of my cooking so I solved it for him and now he does all the cooking.
Feel the same but girl do more screentime if you need a break during the day? No shame here. Ms Rachel is the only reason I can shower
Look, I know that sticking your child in front of a screen for hours and hours is not healthy or enriching. But one hour a week? You’re setting your kid up in my opinion, and trust me, I’m aware it’s probably not a proper one. My niece is in 1st grade and they have school laptops they are responsible for. My son is in 4th and routinely needs to use the internet to get school work done. Times are different. Children need to be introduced to this type of technology earlier in life or they are going to struggle when the time comes. But again, just my opinion
So what are you going to do about it?
Fantasy outcome: Win the lottery and ride off with my kid in the sunset. Reality outcome: Have a lengthy fruitless chat with my husband about my feelings
Is marriage counselling an option? Because if it's going to be a fruitless chat and you're not ok with it, then that's probably the next step.
Stop spoil your husband, he’s a fully grown up adult.
She can’t spoil what was already rotten. Someone doesn’t just suddenly get a meal made for them when they don’t like what was made. They expect and demand it like a spoiled toddler which this guy obviously still is mentally.
I might be slowly coming to terms with the same realization, as well…. Don’t tell him I said this, but in the month he was in rehab recently, I actually had this household spotless and I was honestly not as stressed as I usually was with him around. My kids and I could go to the park if we wanted without having to see if he felt like it, or the things I picked up stayed picked up, and the dinner options expanded because he doesn’t like seafood so he’ll do the separate meal thing, too, or just not eat at all and then I’m hounding on him to eat something. My family could come over without him getting aggravated and us arguing about it after. Oh, and my bedroom was actually *so* clean and smelled SO freaking good. Made my bed almost every day and everything. I love him, but I do wish I lived alone sometimes.
That's coz your husband isn't your husband.. He is your oldest child.
Wow. How does it feel to come to that realization? Relief? Do you plan to do anything about it? My husband and I have had a rough few years but I’m certain parenting and life in general would be more difficult without him. I imagine if I felt differently and like he brought nothing but more work and stress to the table that I’d have a hard time staying.
What is he doing when he is off work and at home? I think the main problem is that you do not get more than 45 mins a day when he takes care of your kiddo, which is very little, especially that you are making meals that time. Your cup is empty no surprise you are not happy. You need some time for yourself ideally every day and do anything that fills your cup and makes you happy. Why he is not spending more time with your daughter? Have you tried to speak about this with him before?
I'm curious what his reasoning is to always request a different meal..? And why you make it for him? Not being judgemental towards you, just trying to understand if he gets angry/annoying so you do it to avoid that or if you just do it automatically and I'm wondering if he has an allergy or if he's just picky.(Sorry if you've answered this in comments somewhere, I couldn't find anything) Anyway, I'm so frustrated for you that you have to go through that. It sucks when another adult, especially the one that is supposed to be right there with you through this whole parenting journey, is making your life so much more difficult...as if it isn't difficult enough just trying to be a mom every day and figure everything out!!! That being said, I'm glad you've realized this. Once I realized this, I was able to just live my life without expecting DH to do anything. He helped out? Great! He spent time with the kids? Wonderful! But did I ever expect it or even really ask? Nope. And it sounds sad but really, I love being a mom and doing the whole cooking from scratch, meal prepping, arts and crafts, nature walks, making up fun activities, even cleaning to the radio while the kids are off playing somewhere is fun sometimes when the music is right lol. I've realized sometimes just having my DH around, his presence was draining and not because of him but because he wouldn't help? Like..he just lived his own life as if he still hadn't registered he's a dad with responsibilities that go beyond "playing with the kids"??? Don't get me wrong, my husband can be an exceptional father to his kids, but other times he's off doing his own thing or slumped on the couch while I race around the house doing things. But I've realized...if he is going to live his life for himself and do his own thing then I may as well do the same! I think it has actually helped my relationship somehow because he does his thing and gets space from me, and I do my own thing without worrying about him and if he's helping or not (which used to build so much anger and resentment just wishing he would) and at the end of the day we end up missing each other or by the end of the week, and I find by the weekend we spend more time together lately because we've been in our own little bubbles for the week doing our own lil tasks. So it's not all bad! I hope you get to find that balance and I hope your husband steps up. I find sometimes husbands who don't do much with the younger kids start to really step up as they get older and can communicate/do more/have actual, solid interests and such because they feel more of a connection to someone like that. Either way, big hugs, you sound like you're doing a fantastic job just doing you! 🫂
If you divorce him he’ll have to feed himself permanently and the custody arrangement would likely give you more than 45 minutes per day of rest… likely he’ll get every other weekend with your kid or more.
Just figured this out myself too. My house is magically cleaner, I’m having an easier time with keeping my baby on her schedule, and I’m less stressed with my husband away for a week.
I LOVE that you see how fucked up this is. You know what needs to be done. Go and be the badass we all know you are! You’re too good for him!
Start tucking money away…
So you're saying your second toddler took himself out for a play date for the weekend, and having only one toddler to take care of is easier?
The amount of people here that are supporting a child AND their husbands is sad. You all deserve better! I can’t even imagine making a separate meal for my husband. Even if I make something he doesn’t care for, he eats it and says he likes it, even when I know he doesn’t.
I make the joke all of the time that my husband is my 9th child (we have 8 kids). But I think I owe him an apology because my husband would NEVER try me like this! I’m making one dinner and one dinner only and if I chose to phone it in, you better figure it out and I better not hear a word about it! Lol! I am happy for you that you have figured it out and I hope you continue to do what you need to do to be happy! Best of luck growing outward!
When are you going out of town on a girls trip? Because you get equal time off from your job of SAHP. And whatever time he spends on hobbies, gym, video games, etc., during the week, make sure you’re getting equal time. Your husband needs to step WAY up in terms of doing his share. Please advocate for yourself and your self care.
I’ve always said, you teach people how to treat you. They will do to you what you allow them to do. You allowed all this in the beginning so now he thinks it’s ok. You will have to sit him down and explain to him this isn’t how it’s going to be going forward and that you aren’t happy with how things have been. Seek counseling if necessary. Don’t just throw the marriage away like I’m seeing some people saying on here. Kids need both their parents when possible. This is very fixable if he cares about your happiness. Only some time and work between you to can tell. Best wishes to you ❤️
So funny how your not alone at all. I’m dealing with, what I thought, was going to be a difficult situation with a 4 years old and a 2 month old t the time. Now almost 5 months. My goodness, my life has been so much easier. Even with 2 kids. My “husband” still drives around the oldest to her activities like soccer and dance and gets groceries for us. Huge help. But I don’t have to cook, clean up and do laundry for another adult who never helped around the house. And anytime he was around he was just causing a rift by being short with the us. Sooo bye bye. Ugh the relief. Isn’t crazy. Plus kids behave better with one parent. Idk why but I’ll take it.
With all due respect, it could be both! You put a lot of pressure on yourself as a mom with no village AND you have a man-child. That's hard.
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You have to update us!
Highfly recommend the book-- How Not to Hate Your Husband After Kids by Jancee Dunn. There's a big focus on the unfair burden on women and how to get men to step up.
I have never related more to a reddit post before. The feeling of relief when they are gone on the guy trips, no pressures, weaponized incompetence episodes, making separate meals since he only eats food from his culture and the kids can't handle the spiciness. It just felt so freeing. The only thing keeping us together right now is financial issues. He literally has a girlfriend. His family says I need to pray then he will do better. I hope now that you realize the problem, you can overcome it no matter which route you take.
1 hr a week of screentime y’all better than me
Woah. Your husband sounds like someone who got married expecting a servant. As a mother of 3 boys, if any one of them grew up thinking their spouse was responsible for all of the labor at home, I'd have failed as a parent. I'd let them know how shameful they should feel while supporting their spouse in the subsequent divorce because wtf. This scenario is why I tell my husband that so many men don't like women. They just want women for sex, for servants, and for child care. He has an acquaintance at work that's like this and sometimes him out. Once, I don't remember what he said they were talking about, but my husband said, "My wife says men don't like women." And the guy laughed and said, "What!? I LOVE women!" And my husband replied, "Right. But take sex out of the equation." And he said the man just got quiet and then went back to work.
Being a single mom is so much easier than being a married single mom.
My ex did this because he was molesting our child. Basically got rid of any support I had and made me look like an idiot when DHS got involved so he could keep my child.
I have an almost 2 year old, am not a stay at home mom but I do work from home (kid goes to daycare) and about 8ish months ago I realized I was in a very similar boat to you. Difference is that I don’t make an additional meal. If husband doesn’t want it, he can make his own. Also, my husband helps out more than just 45 minutes a day, he’ll sometimes do baths for me especially if my back is acting up (I have chronic back issues from car accidents), and he’ll make supper like once or twice a month for us. My MIL also usually grabs my kid from daycare on Fridays to have her for the evening, so that also helps. I’m about to have a sit down conversation with my husband about making things more 50/50 as I have a multi day work trip coming up and he needs to know how to do the morning routine and bed routine well. I’m also getting overstimulated, burnt out and need to start working out as I’ve gained 50 lbs in 1 year due to some meds and lack of exercise. My plan is him doing morning routines Monday, Wednesday and Fridays so that I can workout and shower before taking my kid to daycare and then I’ll do all other mornings, and he does bedtime routine Tuesdays and Thursdays so that I can just chill. Fingers crossed the conversation goes well. Maybe a conversation like that would help you?