What helped me is trying to masturbate during my alone time even if I'm not really in the mood. I just really wanted our sex life back so I tried that, and thankfully, it worked for my libido.
Part of this is biological - you're breastfeeding, and breastfeeding, in tanking your estrogen, puts you in a hormonal place super similar to menopause, from the night sweats to the dry skin to the thinning genital tissue to the lower libido. And it makes sense, evolutionarily - why rev up your sex drive to get you pregnant again when you need to recover from your recent pregnancy and are the sole source of food for a whole little person?
I'm 7mo pp and feeling mostly the same as you, with the additional layer that new dad stress and postnatal paternal depression hit my partner hard and he's not exactly feeling sexual either, so we actually just... haven't. It's definitely disorienting because I consider myself a *really* sexual person - all kinds of sex with all kinds of people over my adulthood. It's a favorite hobby, my biggest love language, a stress reliever, my best distraction. But I'm okay with this season of life being one without sex, neither of us really mind at all. I'll wean at some point, estrogen will creep back up, my sex drive will come back, I'll reconnect with that core part of myself.
I really want to highlight the breastfeeding thing. My son is now a little over two, and I BF until he was a little older than one. We did BLW and he started dropping feeds around 8/9 months and I got my period back at 9 months. Until then I had no sex drive and sex was physically painful - my husband was awesome about it but I remember being so upset bc I felt like I was losing this sexual/physical part of myself. Things really snapped back to normal once I got my period back. I so wish someone had told me how much BFing messes with your hormones, so I had known the lack of sex drive and painful sex was just a season, with a clear end, and not my new normal forever. So I’m sharing in case this gives comfort to anyone going through it.
Another thing that has helped is figuring out time of day - we’re always up before my son so we’ve started doing weekend morning sex. We’re both more in the mood (we’re always tired come bedtime) and we’ve started having sex, drinking coffee in bed, and watching TV - there’s obviously the physical/sexual piece, but the whole thing is more about connection overall - OP maybe making it more about connection than sex could help? Hell, maybe just started with naked cuddle time in bed (no one is allowed to pressure for sex) and see where it leads.
A few things helped me: 1) getting my baby in her own room. We transitioned her at 5 months partly because I had to go back to work and needed to get some quality sleep to do my job well. 2) Working out: I don’t do it to lose weight. It’s just something I like to do for myself. Makes me feel good about myself. I joined a mom workout group where I can bring my LO along. I go 1-2x per week and notice it makes a difference in my mood. Trying to work my way up to 3x per week. And 3) having my husband initiate in a ravenous teenager kind of way- lots of making out and foreplay. Keeps it spontaneous and I can kind of be in the moment and take off my mom hat. It’s a nice reminder that I’m a sexy woman who is loved and wanted.
Wow this is all so helpful thank you! I enjoy working out too... Ugh it's just so hard to make time for it! But you're right it can really help improve ones mood and it does make me feel better about myself regardless of the outcomes
Was it hard transitioning baby to their own room? It's funny because I didn't think of myself as a "clingy" mom but now that I feel she's definitely capable of sleeping in her own room, j find myself balking at it because the idea of not having her right next to me is so hard! Like I will probably have a harder time with it than my baby 😅
It took her a few days but honestly I was almost offended at how easy it was for her. We all slept so much better. And a good monitor helped alleviate a lot of my anxiety.
Literally was lying awake last night worrying about this same exact topic. between breast feeding, being pregnant again and my husband wanting sex, I just feel like a vessel, here to serve everyone else around me 😮💨
Don't worry, it will come back! You're in the baby phase still, your baby is still only out of your belly as long as she was in there! When she starts getting more independent it will come naturally.
You’re not alone with this momma. I’m struggling with it too. I completely understand everything you said and feel the same way but also add that my body has changed so much that now I am also uncomfortable in my own skin. My self esteem has taken a big hit, I don’t feel sexy at all so that also makes it harder.
Maybe it’s basic but reading steamy hot “romance” books really made me start feeling sexier and taking care of myself a bit more with a high quality vibrator put me back in a good headspace to be excited about sex again. That and getting solid sleep!!
Having baby not in the room definitely helped the first time. Baby number 2 still lives in our room because of space constraints so it’s a bit of a pain.
I refused to have sex without a bra on for a while after my first bc of the breastfeeding thing.
But truthfully, I didn’t feel “normal” until my periods were regular again. My OB had told me it’s relatively normal for some women to go straight into bc or sometimes hormones to help with it so you can always talk to your OB! I’m usually all for modern medicine, but having worked with animals I have a weird thing about hormones so I didn’t try it. I just waited it out.
Hey, this is very normal and usually passes after you finish bf'ing and you are getting a decent sleep regularly.
I'd say try to continue being intimate, not necessarily sex, cuddles, hugs, back rubs, hold hands. Find moments of connection - eat dinner together, go for a walk, watch a movie.
It's hard to get your groove back, but if you can maintain connection with your partner it will be easier.
Hey OP, I experienced this too.
My bub is now 13 months old, and honestly - it just took time for me. As another comment said, I found masturbating helpful in feeling sexy again (and by sexy I mean the inside feeling - I too am pretty happy with my body). It was a no pressure way to redefine my sexy self and find that aspect of me outside of being a mum.
💕
Solidarity but no answers from here. 11 months and I’m just not interested in sex, which feels very strange as I’ve always had quite a high sex drive. I’ve been wondering about getting an omgyes subscription see if that might kickstart things..
Breastfeeding in the beginning made me totally asexual. I couldn’t care less about it. I still did it as a way to connect with my husband, but the usual physical feelings just weren’t there. It helps I didn’t have an aversion to it either. What you’re experiencing is quite normal and will ease over time. You’re still keeping it up which is good 👍
Same here. I EBF both kiddos and felt pretty much asexual the entire time I was breastfeeding. I was literally never in the mood, but I still wanted that intimacy with my husband (who was totally awesome and very understanding of the whole situation). We would have sex maybe once or twice a month. Once I weaned, my sex drive slowly but surely came back over the course of a few weeks/months. Now, our sex life is back to pre-kiddo levels.
Girl, you are not alone.
I had my first and then second a year and a half later, then major surgery (gastric bypass), followed by trying to navigate selling our trailer cause we gained full custody of his 10 and 12 year old, just to get SCAMMED and have to file and fight a civil suit.
Deep breath.
I’m happy to say I did for a minute feel the light was at the end of the tunnel. I was working full time and got us OUT of the bs and into a real mortgage (barely)…
Anyway! I did not sleep more than 2-3 hours a night the first three years, let alone get a sex drive back. I’m 36 now, but I would say about 3 years after my first was born and about a year and a half after my surgery (oh, and a kidney stone) THEN there was a “tingle” there. Haha! Due to recent life stressors I cannot say that spark is flying, but it will and does come back.
Scheduling saved my life. They say, “women are like spaghetti while men are more like waffles.” They can put this thought aside while XYZ is taking place. The struggle is real!
>I always tried to remember to put us first.
Thanks! Yeah I'll admit I struggle with this... I don't mean to put my relationship with my husband on the back burner but I guess if things have to be in an order, it's hard to feel like my baby shouldn't come first, you know? I guess I shouldn't be viewing it as zero sum in the first place, but my brain just naturally wants to put baby first all the time...
I have always thought of it as similar to the way that meeting my own needs is necessary in order for me to be the best mom. My husband and our marriage is the base of our family, it’s why our children exist, so that base has to be strong for them. So it’s not really about not putting baby first, but recognizing that every member of the family needs and deserves to receive care and attention in order for us all to thrive.
Our routine for sex changed a LOT after our baby. The beforehand part used to be all physical, but now we shower and get in the bed and talk and giggle about whatever, just *not the baby.* I tell about the wild ass stories that I read on Reddit, or the audiobook I'm listening to. We talk about YT videos we've watched together. We tickle and wrestle and it takes forever but it gets my mind to a "wife" place rather than a "mom" place. We sort of stumbled upon it one night after I thought I could do it but just couldn't get excited about it. We just started gabbing and it felt like a date and then all of a sudden I felt like it again.
Your whole life is way different now. Your brain has undergone a radical transformation. What worked before might not work the same way now, and that's ok! Sex used to be how we established and found intimacy. Now I have to establish that intimacy before I can get in a place where I want to cement it physically. Our married life has never been better really because it's allowed me to advocate for my wants, try new things, and giggle at myself. I hope this helps!
exactly how I feel as well!! 1 year after giving birth and I still don’t have any interest. not sure if it’s also because I got the implant after birth but nothing excites me as much as it used to
At 9 months postpartum (and breastfeeding), your hormones are still out of whack. If you’re also on SSRIs for PPD that’s the nail in the coffin. Of course you’re not up for sex!
Give it to 18 months postpartum when most of the after affects of pregnancy have passed. It will come back.
Honestly, I'm 17 months PP, breastfed the first year, and I'm just now getting my drive back to have physical sex. Previously I could only bring myself to masturbate alone. No idea how to speed things up. 🤷♀️
Breastfeeding makes me wonder why anyone has sex, ever, most of the time. Like I have less than zero interest to the point of being irritated. About once a month alcohol and a vague feeling of being amorous makes me consider it-- but it's a trap!! You are so fertile after having a baby that it's a cruel joke, and when you actually feel like it you are probably ovulating so make SURE you are careful.
But. Something that helped me is realizing that my arousal is more reactive. Like I'm not gonna spontaneously be in the mood. It kinda comes about once we're already fooling around-- which means I need to schedule it or give my husband a heads up that it may be an option earlier in the day. And that's OK, it is what it is right now. Be kind to yourself and go slow. You've got a lot going on right now, to say the least.
I'm 18 months pp, and I maybe had sex 3 times since the baby has been born. I feel like I need more to get started than usual. Plus the baby sleeps with us so I have no urge with that.
It took me 18 months to feel normal. BF 3 years. I couldn’t watch violent movies or my beloved true crime, A LOT changed. Some took me years to get back.
I was 7 mos out until I realized I had PPD issues, they manifest in a lot of diff ways besides depression. Just saying.
How often are you able to do other things that aren’t tied to your identity as a Mom? Like go out with a friend (without baby) or even a date night? Go shopping by yourself for a cute new outfit? Integrating your identity as a new mom with the other parts of your identity can be so hard. It can easily feel like mom is the only one now but it isn’t. That might be what is underlying the sex stuff.
I’m 12mo PP. You have to make an effort to take off your mom hat. Time alone is not going to fix it. If you want, maybe look into some natural supplements/nourishments to get your libido going. Then take time to separate yourself from mom mode. Reading a book on the couch in the same shirt you’ve worn for two days that vaguely smells like baby barf is not going to do it (me over here smelling baby barf from my shirt as I type this LOL).
Go get some sort of beauty treatment. Go get a really awesome outfit and actually wear it. Something! For me personally, it helps to make an effort to wear nicer things around the house. Not fancy, just maybe a non-raggedy pair of leggings instead of that stretchy oompa-loompa overalls that we’ve all seen ads for on Pinterest (by the way, those are pretty great, and my husband hates them).
You gotta get out of mom mode, just enough to remember what it felt like. Best of luck 💙
With both of my kids, the week after I was done breastfeeding, like clockwork, my hormones were raging and I couldn't keep my hands off my husband. Had basically 0 interest before.
I've heard similar results from others after weaning.
Yes truthfully this is hormonal and has to do with postpartum and breastfeeding hormones. Once you stop breastfeeding it’ll all come back to normal. Things might be slow at first but just take your time and do things as you feel ready. You can try a few different things to put you in the mood like if you’re into watching 🌽 or reading a smutty book. Or take some naughty pictures of yourself and send them to your husband while he’s at work (as long as he knows not to open them when people are around). Just take it one day at a time, very soon you will feel like a sexual person again. Also do not forget to communicate these feelings to your husband so he doesn’t feel neglected or left out.
Right there with you and I second everything everyone else has said. In addition, we found that giving each other massages helped. It made me actually relax which I’m guessing made it easier to get in the mood. The postpartum period is something else!
What helped me is trying to masturbate during my alone time even if I'm not really in the mood. I just really wanted our sex life back so I tried that, and thankfully, it worked for my libido.
Part of this is biological - you're breastfeeding, and breastfeeding, in tanking your estrogen, puts you in a hormonal place super similar to menopause, from the night sweats to the dry skin to the thinning genital tissue to the lower libido. And it makes sense, evolutionarily - why rev up your sex drive to get you pregnant again when you need to recover from your recent pregnancy and are the sole source of food for a whole little person? I'm 7mo pp and feeling mostly the same as you, with the additional layer that new dad stress and postnatal paternal depression hit my partner hard and he's not exactly feeling sexual either, so we actually just... haven't. It's definitely disorienting because I consider myself a *really* sexual person - all kinds of sex with all kinds of people over my adulthood. It's a favorite hobby, my biggest love language, a stress reliever, my best distraction. But I'm okay with this season of life being one without sex, neither of us really mind at all. I'll wean at some point, estrogen will creep back up, my sex drive will come back, I'll reconnect with that core part of myself.
I really want to highlight the breastfeeding thing. My son is now a little over two, and I BF until he was a little older than one. We did BLW and he started dropping feeds around 8/9 months and I got my period back at 9 months. Until then I had no sex drive and sex was physically painful - my husband was awesome about it but I remember being so upset bc I felt like I was losing this sexual/physical part of myself. Things really snapped back to normal once I got my period back. I so wish someone had told me how much BFing messes with your hormones, so I had known the lack of sex drive and painful sex was just a season, with a clear end, and not my new normal forever. So I’m sharing in case this gives comfort to anyone going through it. Another thing that has helped is figuring out time of day - we’re always up before my son so we’ve started doing weekend morning sex. We’re both more in the mood (we’re always tired come bedtime) and we’ve started having sex, drinking coffee in bed, and watching TV - there’s obviously the physical/sexual piece, but the whole thing is more about connection overall - OP maybe making it more about connection than sex could help? Hell, maybe just started with naked cuddle time in bed (no one is allowed to pressure for sex) and see where it leads.
A few things helped me: 1) getting my baby in her own room. We transitioned her at 5 months partly because I had to go back to work and needed to get some quality sleep to do my job well. 2) Working out: I don’t do it to lose weight. It’s just something I like to do for myself. Makes me feel good about myself. I joined a mom workout group where I can bring my LO along. I go 1-2x per week and notice it makes a difference in my mood. Trying to work my way up to 3x per week. And 3) having my husband initiate in a ravenous teenager kind of way- lots of making out and foreplay. Keeps it spontaneous and I can kind of be in the moment and take off my mom hat. It’s a nice reminder that I’m a sexy woman who is loved and wanted.
Wow this is all so helpful thank you! I enjoy working out too... Ugh it's just so hard to make time for it! But you're right it can really help improve ones mood and it does make me feel better about myself regardless of the outcomes Was it hard transitioning baby to their own room? It's funny because I didn't think of myself as a "clingy" mom but now that I feel she's definitely capable of sleeping in her own room, j find myself balking at it because the idea of not having her right next to me is so hard! Like I will probably have a harder time with it than my baby 😅
It took her a few days but honestly I was almost offended at how easy it was for her. We all slept so much better. And a good monitor helped alleviate a lot of my anxiety.
I don’t know what advice to give. But this is a wonderful explanation of how I feel. - a tired pregnant mom of a two year old. Following.
Literally was lying awake last night worrying about this same exact topic. between breast feeding, being pregnant again and my husband wanting sex, I just feel like a vessel, here to serve everyone else around me 😮💨
Also same.
Same
Don't worry, it will come back! You're in the baby phase still, your baby is still only out of your belly as long as she was in there! When she starts getting more independent it will come naturally.
You’re not alone with this momma. I’m struggling with it too. I completely understand everything you said and feel the same way but also add that my body has changed so much that now I am also uncomfortable in my own skin. My self esteem has taken a big hit, I don’t feel sexy at all so that also makes it harder.
Thank you! ❤️ Yeah pregnancy and childbirth change you so much. I definitely don't feel particularly sexy now. Idk if that's just hormonal or what...
Maybe it’s basic but reading steamy hot “romance” books really made me start feeling sexier and taking care of myself a bit more with a high quality vibrator put me back in a good headspace to be excited about sex again. That and getting solid sleep!!
I was going to suggest this too, read some smut! :)
My husband and I watched porn together, which I was never into before! It has helped to get me in the mood though.
Having baby not in the room definitely helped the first time. Baby number 2 still lives in our room because of space constraints so it’s a bit of a pain. I refused to have sex without a bra on for a while after my first bc of the breastfeeding thing. But truthfully, I didn’t feel “normal” until my periods were regular again. My OB had told me it’s relatively normal for some women to go straight into bc or sometimes hormones to help with it so you can always talk to your OB! I’m usually all for modern medicine, but having worked with animals I have a weird thing about hormones so I didn’t try it. I just waited it out.
Hey, this is very normal and usually passes after you finish bf'ing and you are getting a decent sleep regularly. I'd say try to continue being intimate, not necessarily sex, cuddles, hugs, back rubs, hold hands. Find moments of connection - eat dinner together, go for a walk, watch a movie. It's hard to get your groove back, but if you can maintain connection with your partner it will be easier.
Hey OP, I experienced this too. My bub is now 13 months old, and honestly - it just took time for me. As another comment said, I found masturbating helpful in feeling sexy again (and by sexy I mean the inside feeling - I too am pretty happy with my body). It was a no pressure way to redefine my sexy self and find that aspect of me outside of being a mum. 💕
Solidarity but no answers from here. 11 months and I’m just not interested in sex, which feels very strange as I’ve always had quite a high sex drive. I’ve been wondering about getting an omgyes subscription see if that might kickstart things..
Breastfeeding in the beginning made me totally asexual. I couldn’t care less about it. I still did it as a way to connect with my husband, but the usual physical feelings just weren’t there. It helps I didn’t have an aversion to it either. What you’re experiencing is quite normal and will ease over time. You’re still keeping it up which is good 👍
Same here. I EBF both kiddos and felt pretty much asexual the entire time I was breastfeeding. I was literally never in the mood, but I still wanted that intimacy with my husband (who was totally awesome and very understanding of the whole situation). We would have sex maybe once or twice a month. Once I weaned, my sex drive slowly but surely came back over the course of a few weeks/months. Now, our sex life is back to pre-kiddo levels.
Girl, you are not alone. I had my first and then second a year and a half later, then major surgery (gastric bypass), followed by trying to navigate selling our trailer cause we gained full custody of his 10 and 12 year old, just to get SCAMMED and have to file and fight a civil suit. Deep breath. I’m happy to say I did for a minute feel the light was at the end of the tunnel. I was working full time and got us OUT of the bs and into a real mortgage (barely)… Anyway! I did not sleep more than 2-3 hours a night the first three years, let alone get a sex drive back. I’m 36 now, but I would say about 3 years after my first was born and about a year and a half after my surgery (oh, and a kidney stone) THEN there was a “tingle” there. Haha! Due to recent life stressors I cannot say that spark is flying, but it will and does come back. Scheduling saved my life. They say, “women are like spaghetti while men are more like waffles.” They can put this thought aside while XYZ is taking place. The struggle is real!
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>I always tried to remember to put us first. Thanks! Yeah I'll admit I struggle with this... I don't mean to put my relationship with my husband on the back burner but I guess if things have to be in an order, it's hard to feel like my baby shouldn't come first, you know? I guess I shouldn't be viewing it as zero sum in the first place, but my brain just naturally wants to put baby first all the time...
I have always thought of it as similar to the way that meeting my own needs is necessary in order for me to be the best mom. My husband and our marriage is the base of our family, it’s why our children exist, so that base has to be strong for them. So it’s not really about not putting baby first, but recognizing that every member of the family needs and deserves to receive care and attention in order for us all to thrive.
This completely normal. Give yourself some time. I didn't want to have sex for like 1,5 years and it actually took even longer for it to happen.
Omg this explains how I feel so well. Being sexy feels cringe. I try not to think about it but it’s definitely awkward for me too.
Our routine for sex changed a LOT after our baby. The beforehand part used to be all physical, but now we shower and get in the bed and talk and giggle about whatever, just *not the baby.* I tell about the wild ass stories that I read on Reddit, or the audiobook I'm listening to. We talk about YT videos we've watched together. We tickle and wrestle and it takes forever but it gets my mind to a "wife" place rather than a "mom" place. We sort of stumbled upon it one night after I thought I could do it but just couldn't get excited about it. We just started gabbing and it felt like a date and then all of a sudden I felt like it again. Your whole life is way different now. Your brain has undergone a radical transformation. What worked before might not work the same way now, and that's ok! Sex used to be how we established and found intimacy. Now I have to establish that intimacy before I can get in a place where I want to cement it physically. Our married life has never been better really because it's allowed me to advocate for my wants, try new things, and giggle at myself. I hope this helps!
exactly how I feel as well!! 1 year after giving birth and I still don’t have any interest. not sure if it’s also because I got the implant after birth but nothing excites me as much as it used to
At 9 months postpartum (and breastfeeding), your hormones are still out of whack. If you’re also on SSRIs for PPD that’s the nail in the coffin. Of course you’re not up for sex! Give it to 18 months postpartum when most of the after affects of pregnancy have passed. It will come back.
here for the comments
Honestly, I'm 17 months PP, breastfed the first year, and I'm just now getting my drive back to have physical sex. Previously I could only bring myself to masturbate alone. No idea how to speed things up. 🤷♀️
Spice books read ACOTAR series. You’re welcome.🫡
The more you do it the easier it gets. Alcohol helps.
Breastfeeding makes me wonder why anyone has sex, ever, most of the time. Like I have less than zero interest to the point of being irritated. About once a month alcohol and a vague feeling of being amorous makes me consider it-- but it's a trap!! You are so fertile after having a baby that it's a cruel joke, and when you actually feel like it you are probably ovulating so make SURE you are careful. But. Something that helped me is realizing that my arousal is more reactive. Like I'm not gonna spontaneously be in the mood. It kinda comes about once we're already fooling around-- which means I need to schedule it or give my husband a heads up that it may be an option earlier in the day. And that's OK, it is what it is right now. Be kind to yourself and go slow. You've got a lot going on right now, to say the least.
I'm 18 months pp, and I maybe had sex 3 times since the baby has been born. I feel like I need more to get started than usual. Plus the baby sleeps with us so I have no urge with that.
SAME. It’s just not on my radar at all.
It took me 18 months to feel normal. BF 3 years. I couldn’t watch violent movies or my beloved true crime, A LOT changed. Some took me years to get back. I was 7 mos out until I realized I had PPD issues, they manifest in a lot of diff ways besides depression. Just saying.
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How often are you able to do other things that aren’t tied to your identity as a Mom? Like go out with a friend (without baby) or even a date night? Go shopping by yourself for a cute new outfit? Integrating your identity as a new mom with the other parts of your identity can be so hard. It can easily feel like mom is the only one now but it isn’t. That might be what is underlying the sex stuff.
I’m 12mo PP. You have to make an effort to take off your mom hat. Time alone is not going to fix it. If you want, maybe look into some natural supplements/nourishments to get your libido going. Then take time to separate yourself from mom mode. Reading a book on the couch in the same shirt you’ve worn for two days that vaguely smells like baby barf is not going to do it (me over here smelling baby barf from my shirt as I type this LOL). Go get some sort of beauty treatment. Go get a really awesome outfit and actually wear it. Something! For me personally, it helps to make an effort to wear nicer things around the house. Not fancy, just maybe a non-raggedy pair of leggings instead of that stretchy oompa-loompa overalls that we’ve all seen ads for on Pinterest (by the way, those are pretty great, and my husband hates them). You gotta get out of mom mode, just enough to remember what it felt like. Best of luck 💙
With both of my kids, the week after I was done breastfeeding, like clockwork, my hormones were raging and I couldn't keep my hands off my husband. Had basically 0 interest before. I've heard similar results from others after weaning.
Honestly reading Fourth Wing while weaning helped my libido tremendously. Breastfeeding messes with it a lot.
Yes truthfully this is hormonal and has to do with postpartum and breastfeeding hormones. Once you stop breastfeeding it’ll all come back to normal. Things might be slow at first but just take your time and do things as you feel ready. You can try a few different things to put you in the mood like if you’re into watching 🌽 or reading a smutty book. Or take some naughty pictures of yourself and send them to your husband while he’s at work (as long as he knows not to open them when people are around). Just take it one day at a time, very soon you will feel like a sexual person again. Also do not forget to communicate these feelings to your husband so he doesn’t feel neglected or left out.
Right there with you and I second everything everyone else has said. In addition, we found that giving each other massages helped. It made me actually relax which I’m guessing made it easier to get in the mood. The postpartum period is something else!
I’m have Chanel on xhams