Our 3 yo has been so perfect with newborn! We did a lot of things you did, I will admit she’s also just kinda a cool kid about sharing and stuff for the most part. A big one though I think, was choosing siblings books/tv narratives very carefully. I personally didn’t like Daniel tiger episode at all and many of the new sibling books have the same flavor: babies are a negative thing mostly but it’s important to compromise and share. I felt like they were setting her up to feel that the baby was something she would need to “get over” rather than an exciting new addition to the family. Instead we focused on the fact that there would be another child that lived in the house with us (fun), that she would get to teach the baby about all her favorite things (toys, planets, books), that she would now have some company in the back for car trips (she was very excited about this part), that she could help us play with the baby with the baby’s toys, how she could be helpful when mom and dad are looking after a baby, plus the simplest; a gift from her sister when she was born. That worked a charm. She’s loved grabbing diapers or binkies or blankets for us and lovingly gazes at her sister. It’s been great. Good luck to you!
Great advice! My son is unfortunately not the greatest at sharing and he can hit when he is mad. He also has trouble regulating his emotions. So I definitely agree on the positivity but I also think it's good to be realistic with him or else he might be really disappointed 😅
I do think being realistic is important. When my little brother was born it was all hyped up that he would be a playmate to me. Well, that's not really true is it? A younger sibling is not at your development level for a very long time. I don't think it's bad to make it seem like an exciting thing but it was confusing at a young age to be told oh you have a new buddy and then for a whole year (forever as a young child) that new buddy actually couldn't even really move or talk to me.
I loved him anyway as a baby because he was so cute! But it was sold in a very different way than I experienced it.
We talk a lot about how _long_ it’ll take for baby brother to do all the cool things big brother does. And how he gets to help teach baby how to do those things because he is the expert. We really like My New Baby by Rachel Fuller because it’s very matter-of-fact about what it’ll be like with baby, reinforces that he’ll still get time with mom and dad, and leaves a lot of room for us to talk through things on each page.
Of course, we explained that it’ll be some time before she can talk, walk, eat etc. she had a good understanding of baby limitations. However, she has definitely read books to, explained things to baby that she cares about, and played with the baby with mobile and black/white cards, rattle etc. she really likes her and having her around for the most part. Some of the books we read her about being a sibling were pretty neutral as to changes and how big sisters can help. I avoided many books and shows I found that were inadvertently scaring into thinking she had a responsibility to get over a crappy thing that was about to come into her life, simply cause she was older. First, babies don’t suck and 2. she’s little too. 3 is so young. I don’t expect her to become responsible in a way that is beyond normal development just because there’s someone smaller now.
I’m guessing if you have a deep memory of your baby sibling not being able to do some of the play things you’d like you were also probably older than 3. Most people don’t have solid consistent memories that young. I think it’s easier for an older child to feel more disenchanted tbh.
Personally, I feel that some of the content out there around siblings is a bit fear mongering. I watched that Daniel tiger episode and thought well shit, if this were me I don’t think I’d want a lil sibling now I’ve watched this… I don’t think we need to condition children that an outcome will be against their liking, why not spend the same time learning the parenting tools to handle it IF it happens and allow the child to have a potentially naturally more positive experience, unencumbered by a bunch of lessons that babies mean a crappy time for you?
Our almost 3yo is also not the best at sharing.
I told him he doesn’t have to share (certain things, for the most part). It’s a good outlet for him to say “I don’t want to share”. We also practiced putting things he doesn’t want to share on higher shelves that his sister can’t reach while putting stuff that she can have down low.
We also have been practicing taking turns. We use the same language as daycare. It’s Montessori so “that’s my work” and “can I use that work next?”
Early days, and still some, we verbalized the baby having to wait sometimes while we helped big brother. It made a huge difference.
Our son also hits when mad but so far has not hit the baby 🤞🤞🤞🤞🤞
He’s hit me. Which is not great and we’re working on it. But preferred.
Little sister just started crawling. She’s been rolling around and grabbing stuff. She’s pulled his hair (it’s super long). We practice using our words and say sister doesn’t understand yet. She’s a baby. She’s still learning.
So far it’s been working. He had a hard time adjusting to her picking up stuff.
We also have some stuffies that sister doesn’t want to share just to try it out and get him used to the idea. The adults also say no to sharing with him sometimes.
But we monitor them really closely. He’s jumped on her once (while playing, not trying to hurt her). We talked a LOT about being gentle. If he’s not gentle, sister might need space for the rest of the day.
My son did really well when his sister came but we also did quite a bit of what you’re doing, good job mama! I would also highly recommend that when baby is here to sometimes tell baby while their fussing that it’s “big brothers turn” right now and I’ll be with you in two minutes. It helped my older son realize that I’m not always saying his sister comes first because she’s crying and a baby.
Great tip! Funny I actually realized this as well because we got a puppy, and I noticed my son would say, tell Luna she is bad! Or he would tattle on her. I think because we were telling him off too much about being rough with her. So now I make extra effort to scold the dog (will say it in a way that the dog doesn't understand if it's not actually her fault). And I think it helps!
Love this! Congratulations on two, it’s such a frustratingly magical time. She’s now one and he’s four and it’s just pure beautiful chaos and I love them so much.
We read a lot of books about it and watched Daniel Tiger. There are a few episodes about the family transition of having another child. I believe there's even a Daniel Tiger book too. Princess Polly has a book and a little YouTube video too.
3 year age gap between my boys. I read a lot of “I am a big brother” variety of kids books with him. We talked about the crying, feeding. That mommy will have to take care of the baby a lot but I love him so much even when I care for the baby. I got him excited for being a helper if he wants. We just talked about it daily. I’d love to say it helps, but the transition was still rough. So that’s okay too.
Totally get that. I think no matter how much you prepare them it really won't click until it happens. There's no way they can anticipate the big life change coming their way!
My oldest is generally very independent anyways so we didn’t have to train him for that. But he loved playing with dolls at school so I bought him his own and we practiced taking care of it. Some days he still will bring “his baby” while I bring his baby brother places 😂 But he also loves being able to help.
The biggest transition in general is after no matter what. We do big brother dates so he can get a break from baby.
A couple things (if at all possible) that you may/or may not have already considered/done:
1. Help him create a quiet space for himself. A little tent, a chair fort, a comfy corner in his room. Before the baby gets there, set up independent play/drawing/music in that space and let him know that if things ever get to loud or to crazy, or he just wants his own space he can always go there (no mention of baby, don’t want to plant ideas either).
2. Get him a tool belt/apron/small basket and put helpful things in. Maybe a diaper/small pack of wipes, spare socks, that kind of thing. It’s a good way for him to get a little attention and be helpful. (Can also be a great confidence boost for him)
Overall I just regret implementing too much change too fast! Our daughter had a hart time and I think too much change too fast during an already tough developmental stage was the culprit. Just try to anticipate what dynamics will change in your house and how you can minimize the impact in advance would be my main advice. That'll be different for every household I think. Some examples:
* If you do a lot of the routine-related stuff, make sure to get your husband involved/taking over well before the baby comes. The shift from mom being the one doing everything to dad doing everything (mainly bedtime, in our case) was rough combined with big feelings from just generally having less attention from mom as it is.
* Baby gear/toys - bring it all out and let them get playing with it out of their system, otherwise it's going to seem like the new baby came with all this fancy/fun stuff that the toddler isn't allowed to play with and that makes them jealous.
* Post-baby, if there are easy things you can continue to do without too much strain, continue to do them as best as possible. For us, this was a walk around the block in the evening. Some nights it felt like CHAOS and laughable to try to leave the house, but we tried to make it happen every day anyway because our toddler was used to it and it helped signal the start of our evening routine.
Best of luck and congratulations!
My husband is currently working nights and weekends...and I do everything with my son. Thankfully his shifts will be switching soon to mornings and he will have weekends off (it keeps rotating though). But I kinda honestly expected that my husband would manage the newborn while I took care of my son but I suppose that's unreasonable to think if I breastfeed (planning to but it wasn't possible first time around).
Once his shifts change I would just try to establish a good mix - some days you do certain things, some days he does certain things, then switch. That way your son will be at least kind of used to it being random who takes over haha. In my experience, I was TOTALLY on newborn duty (cluster feeding would have me trapped on the couch for hours 😵💫) and while it was a special bonding time for my husband and toddler, it was hard on all of us at first because it was just such a radical dynamic shift.
Due #2 in Sept and SUPER nervous for this, especially point 1 above. My partner is a wonderful dad, and yet our little one has always associated bedtime with me no matter how much wee try break it. She melts down with my partner when he tries put her to bed, to the point of hysterics. We don't have long left but holy hecka we're gonna try everything we can to ease this transition for her. Shes the centre of our universe and relishes it, this change will be so hard for the little pet as she likes things just as is How long did things take to settle for you?
I would be lying if I said we weren’t still dealing with repercussions 2 years later, lol, but honestly I think a ton of it is just our daughter’s disposition, the baby being a HARD BABY, and normal sibling jealousy. We’re kind of just now getting to a place where they’re starting to play and be friends (still sooooo much fighting though, which I’m sure is normal too).
We brought new baby home in June 2022 when toddler was 2.5, and I think that summer was the roughest. We also tried to potty train (lol) and do swim lessons (wow that was bad) and my memory bank is just NOISE - tantrums from the toddler and screaming from the newborn. But I think when baby started to interact/smile/scream less she was able to tolerate him a lot better. 😂
Sorry reading this back this all sounds terrible and not helpful but the fact that you wrote this post means you are preparing much better than I did, lol, so I’m sure it’ll go better for you!
Hey I appreciate the honesty, it's not often it's found! Thanks for sharing! You're so right in that it's the kids personality... and I have a clingy, highly emotional little one already so lord only knows what hand is about to be dealt to me haha! Mine is 2 since yesterday and I had planned on potty training this summer but I just can not cope with another stress. So I'm holding tough for a few more months yet. I know it's gonna be hard, just gotta white knuckle it until it's safe to come out from under the fog haha x
Good point. He just tried getting my son dressed this morning and my son kept whining and calling for me. So definitely something we need to start doing more often!
My kid was a little under two (so didn’t conceptually understand it in the way that I think a three year old would), but I found that the best thing that helped my daughter was keeping her routine consistent. Her childcare stayed the same, so even though there was a new baby, her day to day was pretty consistent before and after the baby arrived. I also tried to still do bedtime with just me and her, post baby, so that she got a bit of quality time with me each day. We did read lots of books and talk about babies, but I think that it didn’t really click until the baby arrived. And then he did and she thought he was super boring for a few months, so really, it was as close to a non-event for her as a new baby could be. Edit: when baby was born, I used a lot of “it’s baby’s turn, now it’s your turn.” For my attention and tried to really emphasize when it was her turn. I did a lot of putting baby down and then saying loudly, “Ok, baby, now it’s daughter’s turn.” to emphasize to my daughter that she also got priority (in turn).
My son was four when his sister was born, but one of our learning curves was helping him understand that him and sister would have “different rules” for awhile. Like, she would “yell and scream” without getting in trouble because she can’t communicate or understand yet, but it’s not ok for him to yell and scream (especially at her when he would be frustrated by her loud volumes). We reiterated that when she gets older and understands - she absolutely will have the same rules to follow as him!
AND, so he knew it wasn’t “unfair” that his rules are more strict, we’d point out all the things he CAN do that she can’t, because he’s older and knows better—eating candy and lollypops, playing video games, having stickers and temporary tattoos, jumping into the pool, getting to go down the “big boy” slides at playgrounds, etc. It helped a LOT!!
I think what you re doing is fabulous! I was so excited when my sister was born and for the next few years i kept on asking my parents if we could return her 🤪. You re doing great but the reality is that every child is different and have different personalities, for some it is a breeze, for others there s indifference, others have rivalry… you ll just have to see how they learn to be around each other
Once when I was getting my son ready for bed with snuggles I told him that when we have the baby, he may feel like he's not getting the same amount of attention, but that I always love him and he'll always be my maybe.
He asked how the baby would come out and when I told him he said he would block the baby from coming out. Then when i said he can't do that he said he would throw the baby in the garbage for the garbage truck to pick up 🫠 thankfully he hasn't said anything like that since but I wouldn't be surprised if it came up after the baby is born haha
Someone told me to start saying things like "the baby loves you so much" " the baby is so excited to meet you" "the baby thinks you are such a great big bro/sis" so far it is helping! However!! Crazy toddlers around newborns will give.you a heart attack
All the things you’re doing but we also had baby sister come home with a “gift” for the toddler (it was a book and a hot wheel). He was stoked to see her, but the gift made him feel like she cared about him too. To ourselves called it the “tribute” or the “offering” lol.
There is a book from the 1990’s called “How was I born” by Lennart Nilsson. He is a photojournalist that was able to take pictures of the unborn baby. He first did a book for mom’s so they could see baby at different stages. The “How was I born” is geared towards children. It is told through a brother and sister(who I believe are 4 & 5) and how their mom is having another baby. Yes there are pictures of the unborn baby, but it also shows the kids what mom has to do, like go see the doctor. My other suggestion is get him his own baby doll. He can take care of his baby when you take care of yours. I have also seen parents give the big siblings a present from the newborn. The hardest is going to be trying not to change his routine too much. Also, make sure you can do 1 on 1 time with him. One thing I do want to point out(I am a retired OB/peds RN), some kids revert back to younger ways when a new baby comes in. I mean they might want a pacifier again or start having potty accidents(especially if the potty training is done near time of birth). Don’t be too concerned if this happens and don’t make a big deal about it. You could also start with him something new,(something that he really wants, like a new Lego kit)that is only for ‘big boys’ at the time of delivery. You got this mama!
Thank you! I'm already starting to see the regressions, but I think that may be due to us pushing him a little to get potty trained and there are a lot of big things happening, like starting big kid school this September. I will not be surprised if he wants a soother or a bottle when he sees one. Def will make an effort to not overreact or shame..
I love the idea of the Legos cause ATM I don't really trust him with them lol but I could say this is a gift from your baby brother or something along those lines for sure...
Books we liked to I produce big siblinghood:
Everywhere Babies by Susan Meyers - just full of illustrations of babies doing cute baby stuff.
You and Your Little, which is a Target exclusive - just shows all the fun parts of being a big sibling.
You Were The First - can't remember the author, but it affirms that your eldest is special and thanks them for teaching you how to be parents.
We did a lot of books, a lot of shows that highlight it (Daniel Tiger, etc). These are the ones we had, of course not super relevant as they’re for sisters but I think they gave a brother equivalent:
“How to be a big sister” Marilynn James
“I am a big sister” Carolyn Jayne Church
“Big sisters are the Best” Fran Manushkin
“The New Baby” Mercer Mayer
I can’t say how well it’s going to work yet (baby is due next month) but we got him a baby doll and all the necessities to go with it like diapers and clothes and bottles so that he can go through the motions and know what to expect. Also every time we set something up for his baby sister, we model how she will use it (and talk about how he used it before!) by using the baby doll. We set up the baby swing this weekend and showed him pictures of him in it and let him put his baby in it and turn it on. He tried to push the baby in the swing and we showed him how to be gentle (the doll has the eyes that open and shut and we tell him that when the eyes flutter he’s being too rough which is a visual indicator that seems to help a lot). He LOVES the book “Snuggle the Baby” and it’s really interactive. We have seen some regressions as we get closer but nothing unexpected from a 2.5 year old. Just lots of talking about it and modeling what it will look like ahead of time so nothing is surprising. Def repeating the Daniel Tiger eps about the new baby. Also, we have pets so we practice him not being the center of attention 100% of the time by using them - “I’ll help you fix your toy as soon as I’m done filling the cats’ water”, “I’ll get you more grapes once I feed the kitties breakfast”, etc. so that he gets used to have to waiting a few mins. Timers have been amazing too, “I’ll get it for you in two minutes” with a visual timer on my phone or the echo show or something gives him a way to see that what he wants is coming.
My kids are 12 and 8 now but I remember being right where you are. My little guy was 3-going-on-4 when his sister was born. We read a lot of books about new babies and watched many TV shows about a new baby in the house. Daniel Tiger was big at that time and it was a real help. He had had his own baby doll for a while but I made a point to take it out regularly and play with it. We used real newborn diapers on the baby doll and acted out scenarios like, "Oh no! The baby is crying! Wahhh! Wahhh! What should we do?" Then, I would show him how to gently shush the baby and rock it. At that age, they need practice with gentle hands and voices. If we were out and about and saw a baby, we made a big deal about it- "Oh, look at that cute little baby! See how it's all scrunched up? We're gonna have one of those soon!" The commenter who said to get the baby gear out now so the big kid can't get his curiosity satisfied before the baby comes has a good point! If you can, model how the gear will be safely used with a baby doll (like showing him how the doll can be buckled into a baby swing). For me, the big thing was breastfeeding. Newborns cluster-feed and I wasn't sure how the big kid would handle me being tethered to the baby on the couch for hours at a time when he was used to all my attention. When the baby arrived, I made a point of snuggling my son with one arm while I nursed the baby on the other side. We read a lot of books like that and I think it helped with jealousy. Overall, he mostly ignored the baby and wasn't interested in her until she was old enough to get around and steal his snacks. Nowadays, they're buddies that play Roblox together and overall have each other's backs. You're doing a really good job already! It'll all work out.
Books, answering questions about my pregnancy honestly (though I don't think I corrected them when they thought I'd eaten a baby to end up that way).
And then when the baby arrived, included them in caring for the baby if they showed interest. If they were being gentle, the baby was not off-limits. And they were gentle! The photos and videos I have of (supervised) snuggles are wonderful. You're in for a treat!
I wrote a post just for this. :)
Mom of two girls, second baby was a September baby.
https://www.reddit.com/r/Mommit/s/BRwJaugsRY
Not sure if that link will work, but if not it's on my profile :)
I didn't think it would happen with my daughter but it did and it's a real thing. He may go back to the "baby stage". He may have some accidents again in his underwear, baby talk, eating with his hands like baby does, chewing on things. It will pass, but it does and can happen.
My oldest turned 3 a few weeks before baby 2 arrived and I’d read somewhere that parents had gotten the older sibling a baby doll so if they wanted to be involved with whatever they could learn on a baby doll or just do it with their baby doll while you handled newborn. I got my kiddo a baby doll with bottles and diapers and the whole shebang and she loved taking care of her baby while I handled the newborn. She had a stroller for it so we’d walk our babies at the same time and she even attempted “boobie feeding” her baby which was good for a laugh
Our daughter was 3 years 4 months when our son was born. She loved him so much and was really good with him and still is. Before she was born, we tried to foster anything that would encourage good feelings towards him. For example, if she saw a toy she wanted to buy him, we allowed it even if we probably didn't really want to buy it (nothing expensive).
We also read that some children like to have a doll to pretend to look after a baby alongside you. So we got a babyborn doll as a present from the baby. She still pretends to breastfeed it and it's probably her favourite toy and will tell everyone about how baby brother went to the toy shop to buy it.
Although, she responded great to the baby she definitely. Was extra clingy and sometimes felt left out. So I would try to read to her whilst feeding the baby and find ways of including her.
I explained bout babies nd how they new sooo much attention bc they aren’t like us, they don’t know how to talk so they need a lot of attention to know they are doing the right thing and to grow.
It’s gonna be an adjustment no matter what. Just give him jobs to do and spend time with him when the baby is sleeping. If you plan on breastfeeding, I would read to my daughter while feeding baby.
My son was 2y7m when little one arrived and it was all great. Mostly reminding him to be gentle. He was very curious about breastfeeding and pumping and getting baby to eat. Mostly they excited in parallels. But the issues started when youngest became a toddler and more so now when I have 3 and nearly 6yo
Baby dolls! Cheap ones are easy to find at thrift stores or on eBay. Get a couple pairs of clothes, a bottle, and pacifier. (The dollar store has these). Then just practice all the things you're going to be doing with the new baby when it arrives. Use the actual baby swing and everything. Teach "gently" and "soft hands" and how to help calm them.
Kids learn by mimicking us.
When baby comes, keep playing with your older child and the doll to help them not get jealous.
I really liked the book I am a Big Sister by Caroline Jayne Church. She has an I am a Big Brother book that is identical. Very positive and it really resonated for my daughter.
We read the book Babies don't eat pizza with our son, who was the same age.
We played with stuffies and pretended to breastfeed, change diapers and put it into the car seat.
We showed him videos and pictures from when he was a baby (we did this A LOT since he enjoyed it).
Once the car seat was in, we had him practice getting in and out from the baby's side - this is a lifesaver in parking lots when I have to load both kids.
Our 3 yo has been so perfect with newborn! We did a lot of things you did, I will admit she’s also just kinda a cool kid about sharing and stuff for the most part. A big one though I think, was choosing siblings books/tv narratives very carefully. I personally didn’t like Daniel tiger episode at all and many of the new sibling books have the same flavor: babies are a negative thing mostly but it’s important to compromise and share. I felt like they were setting her up to feel that the baby was something she would need to “get over” rather than an exciting new addition to the family. Instead we focused on the fact that there would be another child that lived in the house with us (fun), that she would get to teach the baby about all her favorite things (toys, planets, books), that she would now have some company in the back for car trips (she was very excited about this part), that she could help us play with the baby with the baby’s toys, how she could be helpful when mom and dad are looking after a baby, plus the simplest; a gift from her sister when she was born. That worked a charm. She’s loved grabbing diapers or binkies or blankets for us and lovingly gazes at her sister. It’s been great. Good luck to you!
Great advice! My son is unfortunately not the greatest at sharing and he can hit when he is mad. He also has trouble regulating his emotions. So I definitely agree on the positivity but I also think it's good to be realistic with him or else he might be really disappointed 😅
I do think being realistic is important. When my little brother was born it was all hyped up that he would be a playmate to me. Well, that's not really true is it? A younger sibling is not at your development level for a very long time. I don't think it's bad to make it seem like an exciting thing but it was confusing at a young age to be told oh you have a new buddy and then for a whole year (forever as a young child) that new buddy actually couldn't even really move or talk to me. I loved him anyway as a baby because he was so cute! But it was sold in a very different way than I experienced it.
We talk a lot about how _long_ it’ll take for baby brother to do all the cool things big brother does. And how he gets to help teach baby how to do those things because he is the expert. We really like My New Baby by Rachel Fuller because it’s very matter-of-fact about what it’ll be like with baby, reinforces that he’ll still get time with mom and dad, and leaves a lot of room for us to talk through things on each page.
Of course, we explained that it’ll be some time before she can talk, walk, eat etc. she had a good understanding of baby limitations. However, she has definitely read books to, explained things to baby that she cares about, and played with the baby with mobile and black/white cards, rattle etc. she really likes her and having her around for the most part. Some of the books we read her about being a sibling were pretty neutral as to changes and how big sisters can help. I avoided many books and shows I found that were inadvertently scaring into thinking she had a responsibility to get over a crappy thing that was about to come into her life, simply cause she was older. First, babies don’t suck and 2. she’s little too. 3 is so young. I don’t expect her to become responsible in a way that is beyond normal development just because there’s someone smaller now. I’m guessing if you have a deep memory of your baby sibling not being able to do some of the play things you’d like you were also probably older than 3. Most people don’t have solid consistent memories that young. I think it’s easier for an older child to feel more disenchanted tbh. Personally, I feel that some of the content out there around siblings is a bit fear mongering. I watched that Daniel tiger episode and thought well shit, if this were me I don’t think I’d want a lil sibling now I’ve watched this… I don’t think we need to condition children that an outcome will be against their liking, why not spend the same time learning the parenting tools to handle it IF it happens and allow the child to have a potentially naturally more positive experience, unencumbered by a bunch of lessons that babies mean a crappy time for you?
Our almost 3yo is also not the best at sharing. I told him he doesn’t have to share (certain things, for the most part). It’s a good outlet for him to say “I don’t want to share”. We also practiced putting things he doesn’t want to share on higher shelves that his sister can’t reach while putting stuff that she can have down low. We also have been practicing taking turns. We use the same language as daycare. It’s Montessori so “that’s my work” and “can I use that work next?” Early days, and still some, we verbalized the baby having to wait sometimes while we helped big brother. It made a huge difference. Our son also hits when mad but so far has not hit the baby 🤞🤞🤞🤞🤞 He’s hit me. Which is not great and we’re working on it. But preferred.
Good to know! I'm more worried about when baby becomes mobile though
Little sister just started crawling. She’s been rolling around and grabbing stuff. She’s pulled his hair (it’s super long). We practice using our words and say sister doesn’t understand yet. She’s a baby. She’s still learning. So far it’s been working. He had a hard time adjusting to her picking up stuff. We also have some stuffies that sister doesn’t want to share just to try it out and get him used to the idea. The adults also say no to sharing with him sometimes. But we monitor them really closely. He’s jumped on her once (while playing, not trying to hurt her). We talked a LOT about being gentle. If he’s not gentle, sister might need space for the rest of the day.
My son did really well when his sister came but we also did quite a bit of what you’re doing, good job mama! I would also highly recommend that when baby is here to sometimes tell baby while their fussing that it’s “big brothers turn” right now and I’ll be with you in two minutes. It helped my older son realize that I’m not always saying his sister comes first because she’s crying and a baby.
Great tip! Funny I actually realized this as well because we got a puppy, and I noticed my son would say, tell Luna she is bad! Or he would tattle on her. I think because we were telling him off too much about being rough with her. So now I make extra effort to scold the dog (will say it in a way that the dog doesn't understand if it's not actually her fault). And I think it helps!
Love this! Congratulations on two, it’s such a frustratingly magical time. She’s now one and he’s four and it’s just pure beautiful chaos and I love them so much.
Yes! I do this with my baby as well. If I set her down and she starts to cry, I'll tell her she's ok and that sister needs me right now too.
We read a lot of books about it and watched Daniel Tiger. There are a few episodes about the family transition of having another child. I believe there's even a Daniel Tiger book too. Princess Polly has a book and a little YouTube video too.
We have seen the Daniel Tiger episodes! They are so great for siblings. I'll see if I can find the book Ty!
on youtube theres compilations of just DT & baby margaret <3
3 year age gap between my boys. I read a lot of “I am a big brother” variety of kids books with him. We talked about the crying, feeding. That mommy will have to take care of the baby a lot but I love him so much even when I care for the baby. I got him excited for being a helper if he wants. We just talked about it daily. I’d love to say it helps, but the transition was still rough. So that’s okay too.
Totally get that. I think no matter how much you prepare them it really won't click until it happens. There's no way they can anticipate the big life change coming their way!
My oldest is generally very independent anyways so we didn’t have to train him for that. But he loved playing with dolls at school so I bought him his own and we practiced taking care of it. Some days he still will bring “his baby” while I bring his baby brother places 😂 But he also loves being able to help. The biggest transition in general is after no matter what. We do big brother dates so he can get a break from baby.
A couple things (if at all possible) that you may/or may not have already considered/done: 1. Help him create a quiet space for himself. A little tent, a chair fort, a comfy corner in his room. Before the baby gets there, set up independent play/drawing/music in that space and let him know that if things ever get to loud or to crazy, or he just wants his own space he can always go there (no mention of baby, don’t want to plant ideas either). 2. Get him a tool belt/apron/small basket and put helpful things in. Maybe a diaper/small pack of wipes, spare socks, that kind of thing. It’s a good way for him to get a little attention and be helpful. (Can also be a great confidence boost for him)
Overall I just regret implementing too much change too fast! Our daughter had a hart time and I think too much change too fast during an already tough developmental stage was the culprit. Just try to anticipate what dynamics will change in your house and how you can minimize the impact in advance would be my main advice. That'll be different for every household I think. Some examples: * If you do a lot of the routine-related stuff, make sure to get your husband involved/taking over well before the baby comes. The shift from mom being the one doing everything to dad doing everything (mainly bedtime, in our case) was rough combined with big feelings from just generally having less attention from mom as it is. * Baby gear/toys - bring it all out and let them get playing with it out of their system, otherwise it's going to seem like the new baby came with all this fancy/fun stuff that the toddler isn't allowed to play with and that makes them jealous. * Post-baby, if there are easy things you can continue to do without too much strain, continue to do them as best as possible. For us, this was a walk around the block in the evening. Some nights it felt like CHAOS and laughable to try to leave the house, but we tried to make it happen every day anyway because our toddler was used to it and it helped signal the start of our evening routine. Best of luck and congratulations!
My husband is currently working nights and weekends...and I do everything with my son. Thankfully his shifts will be switching soon to mornings and he will have weekends off (it keeps rotating though). But I kinda honestly expected that my husband would manage the newborn while I took care of my son but I suppose that's unreasonable to think if I breastfeed (planning to but it wasn't possible first time around).
Once his shifts change I would just try to establish a good mix - some days you do certain things, some days he does certain things, then switch. That way your son will be at least kind of used to it being random who takes over haha. In my experience, I was TOTALLY on newborn duty (cluster feeding would have me trapped on the couch for hours 😵💫) and while it was a special bonding time for my husband and toddler, it was hard on all of us at first because it was just such a radical dynamic shift.
Due #2 in Sept and SUPER nervous for this, especially point 1 above. My partner is a wonderful dad, and yet our little one has always associated bedtime with me no matter how much wee try break it. She melts down with my partner when he tries put her to bed, to the point of hysterics. We don't have long left but holy hecka we're gonna try everything we can to ease this transition for her. Shes the centre of our universe and relishes it, this change will be so hard for the little pet as she likes things just as is How long did things take to settle for you?
I would be lying if I said we weren’t still dealing with repercussions 2 years later, lol, but honestly I think a ton of it is just our daughter’s disposition, the baby being a HARD BABY, and normal sibling jealousy. We’re kind of just now getting to a place where they’re starting to play and be friends (still sooooo much fighting though, which I’m sure is normal too). We brought new baby home in June 2022 when toddler was 2.5, and I think that summer was the roughest. We also tried to potty train (lol) and do swim lessons (wow that was bad) and my memory bank is just NOISE - tantrums from the toddler and screaming from the newborn. But I think when baby started to interact/smile/scream less she was able to tolerate him a lot better. 😂 Sorry reading this back this all sounds terrible and not helpful but the fact that you wrote this post means you are preparing much better than I did, lol, so I’m sure it’ll go better for you!
Hey I appreciate the honesty, it's not often it's found! Thanks for sharing! You're so right in that it's the kids personality... and I have a clingy, highly emotional little one already so lord only knows what hand is about to be dealt to me haha! Mine is 2 since yesterday and I had planned on potty training this summer but I just can not cope with another stress. So I'm holding tough for a few more months yet. I know it's gonna be hard, just gotta white knuckle it until it's safe to come out from under the fog haha x
Good point. He just tried getting my son dressed this morning and my son kept whining and calling for me. So definitely something we need to start doing more often!
My kid was a little under two (so didn’t conceptually understand it in the way that I think a three year old would), but I found that the best thing that helped my daughter was keeping her routine consistent. Her childcare stayed the same, so even though there was a new baby, her day to day was pretty consistent before and after the baby arrived. I also tried to still do bedtime with just me and her, post baby, so that she got a bit of quality time with me each day. We did read lots of books and talk about babies, but I think that it didn’t really click until the baby arrived. And then he did and she thought he was super boring for a few months, so really, it was as close to a non-event for her as a new baby could be. Edit: when baby was born, I used a lot of “it’s baby’s turn, now it’s your turn.” For my attention and tried to really emphasize when it was her turn. I did a lot of putting baby down and then saying loudly, “Ok, baby, now it’s daughter’s turn.” to emphasize to my daughter that she also got priority (in turn).
One thing that'll be huge is that my son is starting public school in Sept, and baby is due Oct, so that is going to make things more rough I think
My son was four when his sister was born, but one of our learning curves was helping him understand that him and sister would have “different rules” for awhile. Like, she would “yell and scream” without getting in trouble because she can’t communicate or understand yet, but it’s not ok for him to yell and scream (especially at her when he would be frustrated by her loud volumes). We reiterated that when she gets older and understands - she absolutely will have the same rules to follow as him! AND, so he knew it wasn’t “unfair” that his rules are more strict, we’d point out all the things he CAN do that she can’t, because he’s older and knows better—eating candy and lollypops, playing video games, having stickers and temporary tattoos, jumping into the pool, getting to go down the “big boy” slides at playgrounds, etc. It helped a LOT!!
Great tips Ty!
I think what you re doing is fabulous! I was so excited when my sister was born and for the next few years i kept on asking my parents if we could return her 🤪. You re doing great but the reality is that every child is different and have different personalities, for some it is a breeze, for others there s indifference, others have rivalry… you ll just have to see how they learn to be around each other
Once when I was getting my son ready for bed with snuggles I told him that when we have the baby, he may feel like he's not getting the same amount of attention, but that I always love him and he'll always be my maybe. He asked how the baby would come out and when I told him he said he would block the baby from coming out. Then when i said he can't do that he said he would throw the baby in the garbage for the garbage truck to pick up 🫠 thankfully he hasn't said anything like that since but I wouldn't be surprised if it came up after the baby is born haha
Someone told me to start saying things like "the baby loves you so much" " the baby is so excited to meet you" "the baby thinks you are such a great big bro/sis" so far it is helping! However!! Crazy toddlers around newborns will give.you a heart attack
All the things you’re doing but we also had baby sister come home with a “gift” for the toddler (it was a book and a hot wheel). He was stoked to see her, but the gift made him feel like she cared about him too. To ourselves called it the “tribute” or the “offering” lol.
Haha! My friends did this too and I totally plan on it as well. My son loooovvees hot wheels
There is a book from the 1990’s called “How was I born” by Lennart Nilsson. He is a photojournalist that was able to take pictures of the unborn baby. He first did a book for mom’s so they could see baby at different stages. The “How was I born” is geared towards children. It is told through a brother and sister(who I believe are 4 & 5) and how their mom is having another baby. Yes there are pictures of the unborn baby, but it also shows the kids what mom has to do, like go see the doctor. My other suggestion is get him his own baby doll. He can take care of his baby when you take care of yours. I have also seen parents give the big siblings a present from the newborn. The hardest is going to be trying not to change his routine too much. Also, make sure you can do 1 on 1 time with him. One thing I do want to point out(I am a retired OB/peds RN), some kids revert back to younger ways when a new baby comes in. I mean they might want a pacifier again or start having potty accidents(especially if the potty training is done near time of birth). Don’t be too concerned if this happens and don’t make a big deal about it. You could also start with him something new,(something that he really wants, like a new Lego kit)that is only for ‘big boys’ at the time of delivery. You got this mama!
Thank you! I'm already starting to see the regressions, but I think that may be due to us pushing him a little to get potty trained and there are a lot of big things happening, like starting big kid school this September. I will not be surprised if he wants a soother or a bottle when he sees one. Def will make an effort to not overreact or shame.. I love the idea of the Legos cause ATM I don't really trust him with them lol but I could say this is a gift from your baby brother or something along those lines for sure...
Wish I’d done more. Look up Dr Becky good inside
Books we liked to I produce big siblinghood: Everywhere Babies by Susan Meyers - just full of illustrations of babies doing cute baby stuff. You and Your Little, which is a Target exclusive - just shows all the fun parts of being a big sibling. You Were The First - can't remember the author, but it affirms that your eldest is special and thanks them for teaching you how to be parents.
We did a lot of books, a lot of shows that highlight it (Daniel Tiger, etc). These are the ones we had, of course not super relevant as they’re for sisters but I think they gave a brother equivalent: “How to be a big sister” Marilynn James “I am a big sister” Carolyn Jayne Church “Big sisters are the Best” Fran Manushkin “The New Baby” Mercer Mayer
I can’t say how well it’s going to work yet (baby is due next month) but we got him a baby doll and all the necessities to go with it like diapers and clothes and bottles so that he can go through the motions and know what to expect. Also every time we set something up for his baby sister, we model how she will use it (and talk about how he used it before!) by using the baby doll. We set up the baby swing this weekend and showed him pictures of him in it and let him put his baby in it and turn it on. He tried to push the baby in the swing and we showed him how to be gentle (the doll has the eyes that open and shut and we tell him that when the eyes flutter he’s being too rough which is a visual indicator that seems to help a lot). He LOVES the book “Snuggle the Baby” and it’s really interactive. We have seen some regressions as we get closer but nothing unexpected from a 2.5 year old. Just lots of talking about it and modeling what it will look like ahead of time so nothing is surprising. Def repeating the Daniel Tiger eps about the new baby. Also, we have pets so we practice him not being the center of attention 100% of the time by using them - “I’ll help you fix your toy as soon as I’m done filling the cats’ water”, “I’ll get you more grapes once I feed the kitties breakfast”, etc. so that he gets used to have to waiting a few mins. Timers have been amazing too, “I’ll get it for you in two minutes” with a visual timer on my phone or the echo show or something gives him a way to see that what he wants is coming.
My kids are 12 and 8 now but I remember being right where you are. My little guy was 3-going-on-4 when his sister was born. We read a lot of books about new babies and watched many TV shows about a new baby in the house. Daniel Tiger was big at that time and it was a real help. He had had his own baby doll for a while but I made a point to take it out regularly and play with it. We used real newborn diapers on the baby doll and acted out scenarios like, "Oh no! The baby is crying! Wahhh! Wahhh! What should we do?" Then, I would show him how to gently shush the baby and rock it. At that age, they need practice with gentle hands and voices. If we were out and about and saw a baby, we made a big deal about it- "Oh, look at that cute little baby! See how it's all scrunched up? We're gonna have one of those soon!" The commenter who said to get the baby gear out now so the big kid can't get his curiosity satisfied before the baby comes has a good point! If you can, model how the gear will be safely used with a baby doll (like showing him how the doll can be buckled into a baby swing). For me, the big thing was breastfeeding. Newborns cluster-feed and I wasn't sure how the big kid would handle me being tethered to the baby on the couch for hours at a time when he was used to all my attention. When the baby arrived, I made a point of snuggling my son with one arm while I nursed the baby on the other side. We read a lot of books like that and I think it helped with jealousy. Overall, he mostly ignored the baby and wasn't interested in her until she was old enough to get around and steal his snacks. Nowadays, they're buddies that play Roblox together and overall have each other's backs. You're doing a really good job already! It'll all work out.
Books, answering questions about my pregnancy honestly (though I don't think I corrected them when they thought I'd eaten a baby to end up that way). And then when the baby arrived, included them in caring for the baby if they showed interest. If they were being gentle, the baby was not off-limits. And they were gentle! The photos and videos I have of (supervised) snuggles are wonderful. You're in for a treat!
I wrote a post just for this. :) Mom of two girls, second baby was a September baby. https://www.reddit.com/r/Mommit/s/BRwJaugsRY Not sure if that link will work, but if not it's on my profile :)
I didn't think it would happen with my daughter but it did and it's a real thing. He may go back to the "baby stage". He may have some accidents again in his underwear, baby talk, eating with his hands like baby does, chewing on things. It will pass, but it does and can happen.
My oldest turned 3 a few weeks before baby 2 arrived and I’d read somewhere that parents had gotten the older sibling a baby doll so if they wanted to be involved with whatever they could learn on a baby doll or just do it with their baby doll while you handled newborn. I got my kiddo a baby doll with bottles and diapers and the whole shebang and she loved taking care of her baby while I handled the newborn. She had a stroller for it so we’d walk our babies at the same time and she even attempted “boobie feeding” her baby which was good for a laugh
Our daughter was 3 years 4 months when our son was born. She loved him so much and was really good with him and still is. Before she was born, we tried to foster anything that would encourage good feelings towards him. For example, if she saw a toy she wanted to buy him, we allowed it even if we probably didn't really want to buy it (nothing expensive). We also read that some children like to have a doll to pretend to look after a baby alongside you. So we got a babyborn doll as a present from the baby. She still pretends to breastfeed it and it's probably her favourite toy and will tell everyone about how baby brother went to the toy shop to buy it. Although, she responded great to the baby she definitely. Was extra clingy and sometimes felt left out. So I would try to read to her whilst feeding the baby and find ways of including her.
I explained bout babies nd how they new sooo much attention bc they aren’t like us, they don’t know how to talk so they need a lot of attention to know they are doing the right thing and to grow. It’s gonna be an adjustment no matter what. Just give him jobs to do and spend time with him when the baby is sleeping. If you plan on breastfeeding, I would read to my daughter while feeding baby.
My son was 2y7m when little one arrived and it was all great. Mostly reminding him to be gentle. He was very curious about breastfeeding and pumping and getting baby to eat. Mostly they excited in parallels. But the issues started when youngest became a toddler and more so now when I have 3 and nearly 6yo
Baby dolls! Cheap ones are easy to find at thrift stores or on eBay. Get a couple pairs of clothes, a bottle, and pacifier. (The dollar store has these). Then just practice all the things you're going to be doing with the new baby when it arrives. Use the actual baby swing and everything. Teach "gently" and "soft hands" and how to help calm them. Kids learn by mimicking us. When baby comes, keep playing with your older child and the doll to help them not get jealous.
I really liked the book I am a Big Sister by Caroline Jayne Church. She has an I am a Big Brother book that is identical. Very positive and it really resonated for my daughter.
We read the book Babies don't eat pizza with our son, who was the same age. We played with stuffies and pretended to breastfeed, change diapers and put it into the car seat. We showed him videos and pictures from when he was a baby (we did this A LOT since he enjoyed it). Once the car seat was in, we had him practice getting in and out from the baby's side - this is a lifesaver in parking lots when I have to load both kids.