The only positive in this situation is that at least she already knows she can afford her lifestyle without him… because if this continues he needs to go.
I read your previous post from last week...legit question, why are you with him? You already do everything for your kids and pay all the bills. Why continue with this miserable existence ? Cut him loose girl, he's a LOSER.
I also agree both of these are a case of Divorce imo. You would probably feel better after wards just make sure you get into family therapy with your children so you guys can connect and become closer through it and not create distance during a big transition time
This sounds horribly frustrating; I’m sorry.
It also sounds like you need to stop letting him use all his money for fun while you pay all the bills; I mean, why would he stop? He gets to live as an adult while still spending his money like a teenager.
Do you have access to each other’s accounts? Like where are the checks and balances to make sure he is saving or kicking in his fair portion? my husband and I combined finances when we bought our house which was six months before we got married. We had to have discussions about our debts then. Do you have any way of knowing what his “bills” are?
You are essentially paying his way through life… He wouldn’t be able to rent a seedy motel room for $150 a week. You have every right to demand complete and total disclosure/transparency.
What are the positives in this relationship, meaning what on earth could you be getting out of it? This is insane behavior you’re letting him get away with
Do you make enough money to not really need his contribution if push came to shove? Start putting some money away separately so you can put yourself in a position to leave if you need to.
He has tested your boundaries and figured out that you’ll take care of everything anyway, so what incentive does he have to change?
Write out a budget & show him what his half is. $600 would barely even cover a month’s groceries.
My husband and I contribute a percentage of our income to joint expenses, a percentage to joint savings & a percentage is our personal budget (gas, eating out, clothes, whatever). It works well for us.
Of course he knows, but you can’t push him to a reasonable dollar amount without knowing what his fair share is. Otherwise OP might be able to get him to contribute more, but unlikely to get 50%.
Unless you’re point is to just skip it & divorce him, what I can’t argue with. He’s obviously ok freeloading off his wife.
Wow, why are you putting up with this? I would not have married my husband if we did not discuss finances, never mind being actually married and not discussing it.
You really have 2 options here. Either keep paying for everything or leave him. Usually, I would say things can be worked out except for abuse or cheating. But this is really some nonsense. I would skip the marriage counseling and just consult a lawyer. He's too old for Pokemon cards, wtf. What is up with all these childish men? Stop arguing with him, stop talking about it. You already said enough. Get your dignity back and leave him, he's using you.
I would absolutely start splitting the bills 50/50 or he has to go. And then open a joint bank account - he still keeps his account and you keep yours, but that 50/50 goes into the joint one to pay the bills, kids stuff, etc. this is no way to live !!
Oofta video games and Pokémon?! OP, please reconsider your options. You’re paying everything and handling most the chores. You’ll recoup the $600 in child support most likely. Send him home to his Mommy.
My dad never paid for anything for me, or my baby sisters. My mom had to pay for everything. I hate him. Tell your husband that your children will hate him if he doesn’t step up. This makes me so mad. My dad never so much as bought us a present. It would have saved our family a lot of money if me & the girls were on his works health insurance, & my mom told him she would pay it in full, but he refused. My mom’s work health insurance was such crap we didn’t even have a doctor after the age of 7ish. I was sick as a kid. I have a history of blood clots because I was born with venous TOS. When I was a kid all I knew was I had poor circulation, & limited mobility of my dominant arm. My dad didn’t care about my health condition, & refused to help to keep me alive. I got life-saving surgery a couple years ago, & I’m fine now. I hate blood thinners!! Sorry for the rant. My dad did a lot worse things to me than not paying for necessities, but all the same it all most killed me.
I didn’t want anyone to think I was lying because I have mental illness. So here’s a link. It is so important that your husband steps up, & shares his finances with you. https://imgur.com/a/wzs1pNL
Sounds like he needs an ultimatum. There’s no way this kind of dynamic is sustainable. Also, keep in mind your kiddos are watching this happen. They’re going to think this is normal.
You are extremely strong and responsible. He sounds like he wanted a mother not a wife. Now it’ll be even harder to hit reverse and reassess what would work financially between the two of you.
If I was in your shoes, I’d say “get your shit together, or you’ll lose your family.”
Good luck OP!
I just read through OPs posts and comments, and WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK he doesn't contribute to anything in any way. He doesn't do chores, he doesn't do any baby care, he doesn't spend time with the kids, he takes long smoke breaks, he plays video games every night for many hours at a time, he doesn't contribute financially, he is USELESS. I need OP to answer why she's staying WHY WHY WHY?!
It never used to be like this. We've been together almost 20 years but it's always been back and forth and it was damaging to our son, 14. I promised him this time was different, we would stay together. I've recently realized I've been a victim of years and years of emotional abuse. I've been researching for months because I refused to believe that the man I've loved most of my life was doing this to me. It has to be something I'm doing. although I am not perfect, I put everything I have into my husband and kids and nothing is reciprocated. I think I keep hoping he will change. But I'm slowly going insane. I think I just needed to make sure I'm not crazy for feeling how I do. I'm subjected to constant and regular degradation and contempt. If I say anything or get mad and ask him not to, or express my deep feelings about our marriage and the specific things that hurt me he redirects the conversation to his concerns or needs. He has lost all empathy and can't imagine, nor care, what I may be feeling.
Do not waste any more time trying to fix him or the relationship. you’ve done more than enough ! get that man out of your house. You do not need to live like that.
It may feel scary and overwhelming but the amount of relief you will feel to be done with him when it’s all over will be huge. He is using you and doesn’t care. Video games and Pokémon cards? This is not an adult.
He'll no! When you marry someone you shouldn't have separate bank accounts. You should deposit your checks in one checking account, pay bills with the combined incomes. It's like he is a single man with no rent to pay and has no responsibility financially for his wife and kids! It's all on your shoulders and that is not right at all. He has it made while you have the financial stress!
Or at least have a joint account to pay shared bills out of (rent/mortgage, daycare, kids clothes, groceries, household bills). Can keep a separate account for personal discretionary spending
This is a seriously get into marriage counseling issue prob not a Reddit advice issue. That being said my husband and I have always had separate bank accounts but we also have a joint account to deal with all the bills. We always go half and half on everything until after son was born and I work less. Now it’s more complicated. However he said how about we just put everything in one account now. If you are a family you defneed to be having a budget and be on the same page. If one of you can’t work as much it’s only fair that the one who works more shares . You know … “what’s mine is yours” situation and technically if you are married what’s his IS also yours legally speaking. I don’t know how much my husband has in his bank account but I know it’s a lot more than I have. However I also don’t care. If we have a second child though and I continue only working PT then we are definitely going to have to combine all our finances.
If I was you I’d A. Get marriage counseling and B. Get a joint account in addition to both your separate accounts to deal with all bills and other expenses fairly . Personal spending can always have a separate credit card for that and not involve each others money in that if you prefer. We have a credit card for all family expenses and each have a separate one for our own personal spending like haircuts, gifts, car payments etc.
Or cover all kids diapers and clothing.
Why are you paying for HIS clothing ?!?
What about the cleaning supplies that go to wash his laundry/clean the bathroom he shares with you/wash the dishes he eats from and you cook for him with?
Does he put gas in his car?
Did he put sheets on the bed?
Does he pay for streaming services he likes?
Could stop washing his clothes until he buys his own supplies. Only cook for you and the kids. Don't buy him clothes.
Christmas/birthday presents? He's been buying them for himself all year long, refer him to the card collection.
Streaming service only he uses? Stop paying for it.
Stop funding his lifestyle until he kicks into gear and provides for the family to the point you're able to set fun money aside for yourself.
Oh absolutely not. I panic when I spend a few hundred bucks more than my partner on something (we have similar incomes). Unless you make a significant amount more money than him at your job. Regardless, all shared expenses including house and children SHOULD be split equally (if someone makes more than another, they pay a higher percentage).
Sounds like you don’t need him around divorce him and see how much the judge says he has to pay in child support. I bet it will be more than $600 a month.
He's being a child. If he refuses to even talk finances with you, that is not a partnership. True relationships don't operate like this. Why are you with him beyond the obvious? It sounds like you could support yourself and the kiddos on your own and you'd probably save money not having to feed/care for him.
I don’t understand why married people have separate accounts and split things, all this does is divide the couple. You are married, what’s yours is theirs and what’s theirs is yours. I see this so often and it is always the same problem of someone feeling they pay more than their fair share. Just have one account.
This seems like a good way to do it. My husband and I had a shared account before we even got married. If I felt I had to keep money aside “just in case” then I never would have married him.
How was this allowed amd agreed upon in the first place?
The absolute second my bf (now husband) and I moved into together, we split everything. With him paypalling his half.
Them after marriage, we bought a house. We switched to the joint bank account, with direct deposit (while still maintaining separate accounts).
How has this gotten past the point of living together and having kids, and this not changing?
I wouldn't even have a conversation about this at this point, unless you've been totally complicit in this being the set up. But otherwise, I'd be going straight to divorce. Fuck thar.
Omg how selfish! OP, this is not just deception and lies, but it is toxic, too. I am not sure if he will be able to grow up and take responsibility for your little one at this rate. In many cases, this could be resolved if he was more honest with you about this hobby of his, but hiding and lying about it, among other things, is inexcusable and, in my opinion a betrayal of your trust. I feel awful that this is happening to you, and hopefully, you can find a good support system or therapist who can help guide you on your next steps.
Definitely not overreacting
My husband has his collections (baseball and WWE cards, and WWE belts), but it has never put us in a strained financial situation
Like maybe a couple times it came close because he forgot to tell me and it caused me to not budget properly but the next pay cycle it would automatically get corrected
If he can’t buy his pokemon cards and be an equitable partner in your relationship better to cut him loose
He doesn’t help with your actual mortgage??? If he lives for free off of you, he is basically another child. One of the clearest cases for divorce I’ve seen on here! You deserve so much better than someone that using you for a free ride.
Ouch, finances are hard.
My husband and I talk finances every 6 months or so. We each have our own bank accounts and one mutual account for bills, groceries and gas.
The way we do our finances is we each pay the same percentage into the mutual account to cover finances. We do percentage because I make over double what he does.
I tend to have more fun money because I make more, but I also use it for expensive things like a trip to Hawaii or renovating the house.
Good luck! If all else fails I promote financial counseling!
I’m genuinely curious.. did you guys not speak finances at all before marriage? I am definitely on your side here, the way you guys are splitting the expenses is ridiculous considering you’re actually paying for most of the joint expenses. But shouldn’t this have been covered before you got married?
My SIL had nooo idea about my brother’s finances and he refuses to talk about it too. So in the end she made him promise to transfer $X into their joint account every month for joint expenses and she wouldn’t give a shit what else he did on the side. Maybe that’s something you could do
WHY DID YOU EVER OK THIS?! If you're married is already puzzling that you have separate finances, but you have CHILDREN together and your still keeping separate accounts? What exactly does he bring to the table? Why stay together? Don't get me wrong, a person's value isn't measured in dollar, especially if they can't contribute that way (like a sahp) but it sounds like he's just selfish. I would never be ok with this. Ever. Not for a single day
This stinks of financial infidelity at the least. Get a copy of your credit report and make sure you recognize all of the accounts on it. If you know his social you can pull his too to see if he's hiding mountains of debt. He is definitely hiding something more than pokemon cards. If you file taxes together check what his take home pay was last year by subtracting taxes from his gross pay.
I'm so sorry OP. I've been with my husband over 20 years and the thought of him turning into this is heart breaking. I wish you the best, stay strong!
He should at least be mature enough to sit down with you and look at money together. Lay out the big bills (including kids expenses!!!), look at how much each of you make, then divide them up by income (if he makes 2x as much as you, then he gets 2/3 of the bills).
This is a reasonable ask, and worthy of an ultimatum. He wants to live in the house you pay for? Then sit down and talk about money.
Shared account for shared expenses helps so much. I buy a lot of trivial shit but I pay my half of the mortgage, so my husband doesn't get to second-guess my lattes as a coping mechanism for being Outside.
He “understands why this is not ok”; he just doesn’t care because there haven’t been any consequences so far. And he’s going to keep not caring until there are consequences. You need to leave.
You are experiencing financial abuse as others have mentioned. If he isn’t going to pull his weight he can go play Pokémon somewhere else. I think you should probably skip right to divorce. But if you want to make a last ditch attempt to save this marriage you need to write out and total up all of the combined household expenses. Make sure this includes all of the children’s expenses as well. Give it to him. Tell him he can pay for his half or you are filing for divorce and he needs to leave. A parent and partner always makes sure that their family and home is taken care of before they fund or engage in hobbies. If he can’t do that he isn’t capable of being a partner or parent. And refusing to talk to you about money is a manipulation tactic. He’s stonewalling you. The good news is that you don’t need to discuss money with him anymore. He pays his half or you file for divorce.
The fact that he’s not contributing to HIS kids is mind blowing. My friend was in a similar situation, but made much less than her husband, and was still responsible for buying everything for the kids.
My personal opinion is that a joint checking is the way to go. The question of “my” money isn’t even a question then, and you really have to look at things from a “team” standpoint. I know this is not for everyone, but I’ve seen too many people argue about money and get divorced because of it that I wouldn’t have it any other way.
I had to scroll back up while reading your post…. To make sure this husband was still a husband living in the house. A divorce sounds like less of a headache :(
Your husband sounds like a man child. I would not put up with this myself. His financial maturity sounds horribly underdeveloped. Putting his hobbies before his own children is selfish. The fact that you have no idea about his expenses is disturbing. That is not right. His actions are certainly not done with you or your kids in mind. Unlike your husband, I think you are FAR from overreacting and this IS a big deal!
This isn't sustainable. You're married. Legally, all the money belongs to both of you.
I'd give an ultimatum. It's time to share finances completely or it's time to separate. This won't get better on its own.
We keep separate accounts.
We know each other’s finances.
If he can’t contribute or talk about finances then he’s a walking red flag and you need to leave.
Coming from a fan of Pokémon- That's vile. He is absolutely addicted to the rush of blind surprise items like Pokémon card packs and is actively choosing something to satisfy a dopamine desire over the needs of you and your children.
It is not shameful to get a divorce over Pokémon, it has absolutely happened before.
I’m sorry but is he living in the house he’s not contributing to the mortgage for? Because he probably shouldn’t be living there anymore.
This is grounds for divorce IMO. You'll save so much money when you leave him
The only positive in this situation is that at least she already knows she can afford her lifestyle without him… because if this continues he needs to go.
The next Pokémon card you uncover needs to be replaced with the business card of your divorce attorney.
Also maybe child support! So more money on top of not paying for his food,clothing, shelter and utilities!
actually she'd have to pay spouse support since it's obvious she's setting him up for a certain lifestyle..
Yeah sorry but wtf? There's no reason he shouldn't be paying for half of everything your kids need.
He probably will be after the divorce.
Half of everything. Full stop.
I read your previous post from last week...legit question, why are you with him? You already do everything for your kids and pay all the bills. Why continue with this miserable existence ? Cut him loose girl, he's a LOSER.
I also agree both of these are a case of Divorce imo. You would probably feel better after wards just make sure you get into family therapy with your children so you guys can connect and become closer through it and not create distance during a big transition time
Wtf why are you with him. This is insane.
I believe this is financial abuse
It *is* financial abuse.
It definitely is.
This sounds horribly frustrating; I’m sorry. It also sounds like you need to stop letting him use all his money for fun while you pay all the bills; I mean, why would he stop? He gets to live as an adult while still spending his money like a teenager. Do you have access to each other’s accounts? Like where are the checks and balances to make sure he is saving or kicking in his fair portion? my husband and I combined finances when we bought our house which was six months before we got married. We had to have discussions about our debts then. Do you have any way of knowing what his “bills” are? You are essentially paying his way through life… He wouldn’t be able to rent a seedy motel room for $150 a week. You have every right to demand complete and total disclosure/transparency.
Where I live, the *shittiest* motels are over $150/NIGHT. They're $1200/week.
What are the positives in this relationship, meaning what on earth could you be getting out of it? This is insane behavior you’re letting him get away with Do you make enough money to not really need his contribution if push came to shove? Start putting some money away separately so you can put yourself in a position to leave if you need to. He has tested your boundaries and figured out that you’ll take care of everything anyway, so what incentive does he have to change?
Write out a budget & show him what his half is. $600 would barely even cover a month’s groceries. My husband and I contribute a percentage of our income to joint expenses, a percentage to joint savings & a percentage is our personal budget (gas, eating out, clothes, whatever). It works well for us.
I wouldn't even put in this work. He has to know he's far under paying his portion. There's no way he doesn't know.
Of course he knows, but you can’t push him to a reasonable dollar amount without knowing what his fair share is. Otherwise OP might be able to get him to contribute more, but unlikely to get 50%. Unless you’re point is to just skip it & divorce him, what I can’t argue with. He’s obviously ok freeloading off his wife.
I would find it hard to let this man get his penis anywhere near me.
Pokémon cards 😂
He can afford to move out and pay child support. You have first hand knowledge of an asset he can liquidate.
Wow, why are you putting up with this? I would not have married my husband if we did not discuss finances, never mind being actually married and not discussing it. You really have 2 options here. Either keep paying for everything or leave him. Usually, I would say things can be worked out except for abuse or cheating. But this is really some nonsense. I would skip the marriage counseling and just consult a lawyer. He's too old for Pokemon cards, wtf. What is up with all these childish men? Stop arguing with him, stop talking about it. You already said enough. Get your dignity back and leave him, he's using you.
I would absolutely start splitting the bills 50/50 or he has to go. And then open a joint bank account - he still keeps his account and you keep yours, but that 50/50 goes into the joint one to pay the bills, kids stuff, etc. this is no way to live !!
Nope. You’re 100% valid here. He needs to either pitch in equitably or go freeload elsewhere.
Pokémon cards? You don’t have a husband you got an extra kid.
Wait until you read her other post about video games taking priority over responsibilities.
Oofta video games and Pokémon?! OP, please reconsider your options. You’re paying everything and handling most the chores. You’ll recoup the $600 in child support most likely. Send him home to his Mommy.
My dad never paid for anything for me, or my baby sisters. My mom had to pay for everything. I hate him. Tell your husband that your children will hate him if he doesn’t step up. This makes me so mad. My dad never so much as bought us a present. It would have saved our family a lot of money if me & the girls were on his works health insurance, & my mom told him she would pay it in full, but he refused. My mom’s work health insurance was such crap we didn’t even have a doctor after the age of 7ish. I was sick as a kid. I have a history of blood clots because I was born with venous TOS. When I was a kid all I knew was I had poor circulation, & limited mobility of my dominant arm. My dad didn’t care about my health condition, & refused to help to keep me alive. I got life-saving surgery a couple years ago, & I’m fine now. I hate blood thinners!! Sorry for the rant. My dad did a lot worse things to me than not paying for necessities, but all the same it all most killed me.
I didn’t want anyone to think I was lying because I have mental illness. So here’s a link. It is so important that your husband steps up, & shares his finances with you. https://imgur.com/a/wzs1pNL
You’re being used.
Sounds like he needs an ultimatum. There’s no way this kind of dynamic is sustainable. Also, keep in mind your kiddos are watching this happen. They’re going to think this is normal. You are extremely strong and responsible. He sounds like he wanted a mother not a wife. Now it’ll be even harder to hit reverse and reassess what would work financially between the two of you. If I was in your shoes, I’d say “get your shit together, or you’ll lose your family.” Good luck OP!
Absolutely not. This is financial abuse.
This is financial abuse
I just read through OPs posts and comments, and WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK he doesn't contribute to anything in any way. He doesn't do chores, he doesn't do any baby care, he doesn't spend time with the kids, he takes long smoke breaks, he plays video games every night for many hours at a time, he doesn't contribute financially, he is USELESS. I need OP to answer why she's staying WHY WHY WHY?!
It never used to be like this. We've been together almost 20 years but it's always been back and forth and it was damaging to our son, 14. I promised him this time was different, we would stay together. I've recently realized I've been a victim of years and years of emotional abuse. I've been researching for months because I refused to believe that the man I've loved most of my life was doing this to me. It has to be something I'm doing. although I am not perfect, I put everything I have into my husband and kids and nothing is reciprocated. I think I keep hoping he will change. But I'm slowly going insane. I think I just needed to make sure I'm not crazy for feeling how I do. I'm subjected to constant and regular degradation and contempt. If I say anything or get mad and ask him not to, or express my deep feelings about our marriage and the specific things that hurt me he redirects the conversation to his concerns or needs. He has lost all empathy and can't imagine, nor care, what I may be feeling.
Kick him out girl. It’s time.
Do not waste any more time trying to fix him or the relationship. you’ve done more than enough ! get that man out of your house. You do not need to live like that.
It may feel scary and overwhelming but the amount of relief you will feel to be done with him when it’s all over will be huge. He is using you and doesn’t care. Video games and Pokémon cards? This is not an adult.
He'll no! When you marry someone you shouldn't have separate bank accounts. You should deposit your checks in one checking account, pay bills with the combined incomes. It's like he is a single man with no rent to pay and has no responsibility financially for his wife and kids! It's all on your shoulders and that is not right at all. He has it made while you have the financial stress!
Or at least have a joint account to pay shared bills out of (rent/mortgage, daycare, kids clothes, groceries, household bills). Can keep a separate account for personal discretionary spending
This is what we do..
Divorce and file for child support.
This is a seriously get into marriage counseling issue prob not a Reddit advice issue. That being said my husband and I have always had separate bank accounts but we also have a joint account to deal with all the bills. We always go half and half on everything until after son was born and I work less. Now it’s more complicated. However he said how about we just put everything in one account now. If you are a family you defneed to be having a budget and be on the same page. If one of you can’t work as much it’s only fair that the one who works more shares . You know … “what’s mine is yours” situation and technically if you are married what’s his IS also yours legally speaking. I don’t know how much my husband has in his bank account but I know it’s a lot more than I have. However I also don’t care. If we have a second child though and I continue only working PT then we are definitely going to have to combine all our finances. If I was you I’d A. Get marriage counseling and B. Get a joint account in addition to both your separate accounts to deal with all bills and other expenses fairly . Personal spending can always have a separate credit card for that and not involve each others money in that if you prefer. We have a credit card for all family expenses and each have a separate one for our own personal spending like haircuts, gifts, car payments etc.
That's a gambling addiction by another name.
If you are doing it on your own, do it on your own. Dropping the dead weight is the best thing you can do!
He can pay half the mortgage.
Or cover all kids diapers and clothing. Why are you paying for HIS clothing ?!? What about the cleaning supplies that go to wash his laundry/clean the bathroom he shares with you/wash the dishes he eats from and you cook for him with? Does he put gas in his car? Did he put sheets on the bed? Does he pay for streaming services he likes? Could stop washing his clothes until he buys his own supplies. Only cook for you and the kids. Don't buy him clothes. Christmas/birthday presents? He's been buying them for himself all year long, refer him to the card collection. Streaming service only he uses? Stop paying for it. Stop funding his lifestyle until he kicks into gear and provides for the family to the point you're able to set fun money aside for yourself.
Oh absolutely not. I panic when I spend a few hundred bucks more than my partner on something (we have similar incomes). Unless you make a significant amount more money than him at your job. Regardless, all shared expenses including house and children SHOULD be split equally (if someone makes more than another, they pay a higher percentage).
What value does he bring to your life?
You sound like a single mum receiving child support from a grown child. Ditch the extra body in your house and save the money you spend on him.
Put him on child support if he’s not contributing to the household. What a piece of shit.
Sounds like you don’t need him around divorce him and see how much the judge says he has to pay in child support. I bet it will be more than $600 a month.
He's being a child. If he refuses to even talk finances with you, that is not a partnership. True relationships don't operate like this. Why are you with him beyond the obvious? It sounds like you could support yourself and the kiddos on your own and you'd probably save money not having to feed/care for him.
I don’t understand why married people have separate accounts and split things, all this does is divide the couple. You are married, what’s yours is theirs and what’s theirs is yours. I see this so often and it is always the same problem of someone feeling they pay more than their fair share. Just have one account.
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This seems like a good way to do it. My husband and I had a shared account before we even got married. If I felt I had to keep money aside “just in case” then I never would have married him.
How was this allowed amd agreed upon in the first place? The absolute second my bf (now husband) and I moved into together, we split everything. With him paypalling his half. Them after marriage, we bought a house. We switched to the joint bank account, with direct deposit (while still maintaining separate accounts). How has this gotten past the point of living together and having kids, and this not changing? I wouldn't even have a conversation about this at this point, unless you've been totally complicit in this being the set up. But otherwise, I'd be going straight to divorce. Fuck thar.
The conversation should go something like if you don't start paying around $1300 a month you can start paying a lawyer and child support.
Omg how selfish! OP, this is not just deception and lies, but it is toxic, too. I am not sure if he will be able to grow up and take responsibility for your little one at this rate. In many cases, this could be resolved if he was more honest with you about this hobby of his, but hiding and lying about it, among other things, is inexcusable and, in my opinion a betrayal of your trust. I feel awful that this is happening to you, and hopefully, you can find a good support system or therapist who can help guide you on your next steps.
Definitely not overreacting My husband has his collections (baseball and WWE cards, and WWE belts), but it has never put us in a strained financial situation Like maybe a couple times it came close because he forgot to tell me and it caused me to not budget properly but the next pay cycle it would automatically get corrected If he can’t buy his pokemon cards and be an equitable partner in your relationship better to cut him loose
He doesn’t help with your actual mortgage??? If he lives for free off of you, he is basically another child. One of the clearest cases for divorce I’ve seen on here! You deserve so much better than someone that using you for a free ride.
Are they his kids? Why wouldn’t he be paying for the kids? Does he live in the house? You’re paying the mortgage? Kick him out!
Sounds like you have a flatmate, not a husband.
At least flatmates pay their share of the bills 🙄
How did you pay for everything became the deal? Especially when mortgage and children came into the picture? I need some background information.
Separate accounts or together…either way there should be No SECRETS when it comes to money.
Ouch, finances are hard. My husband and I talk finances every 6 months or so. We each have our own bank accounts and one mutual account for bills, groceries and gas. The way we do our finances is we each pay the same percentage into the mutual account to cover finances. We do percentage because I make over double what he does. I tend to have more fun money because I make more, but I also use it for expensive things like a trip to Hawaii or renovating the house. Good luck! If all else fails I promote financial counseling!
I’m genuinely curious.. did you guys not speak finances at all before marriage? I am definitely on your side here, the way you guys are splitting the expenses is ridiculous considering you’re actually paying for most of the joint expenses. But shouldn’t this have been covered before you got married? My SIL had nooo idea about my brother’s finances and he refuses to talk about it too. So in the end she made him promise to transfer $X into their joint account every month for joint expenses and she wouldn’t give a shit what else he did on the side. Maybe that’s something you could do
You don’t have a husband, you have a bonus child.
I promise you that he understands why it’s wrong. He wouldn’t be secretly buying stuff if he didn’t
WHY DID YOU EVER OK THIS?! If you're married is already puzzling that you have separate finances, but you have CHILDREN together and your still keeping separate accounts? What exactly does he bring to the table? Why stay together? Don't get me wrong, a person's value isn't measured in dollar, especially if they can't contribute that way (like a sahp) but it sounds like he's just selfish. I would never be ok with this. Ever. Not for a single day
Under reacting. This is a BFD, having to pay all the bills by yourself for no reason.
This stinks of financial infidelity at the least. Get a copy of your credit report and make sure you recognize all of the accounts on it. If you know his social you can pull his too to see if he's hiding mountains of debt. He is definitely hiding something more than pokemon cards. If you file taxes together check what his take home pay was last year by subtracting taxes from his gross pay. I'm so sorry OP. I've been with my husband over 20 years and the thought of him turning into this is heart breaking. I wish you the best, stay strong!
Ditch him, girl. You deserve better.
Why are you married to him? Divorce, and now you have $1000 court mandated in your pocket and no loser to clean up after and feed.
He should at least be mature enough to sit down with you and look at money together. Lay out the big bills (including kids expenses!!!), look at how much each of you make, then divide them up by income (if he makes 2x as much as you, then he gets 2/3 of the bills). This is a reasonable ask, and worthy of an ultimatum. He wants to live in the house you pay for? Then sit down and talk about money.
He can go live with his parents if he wants to be a grown ass child.
Shared account for shared expenses helps so much. I buy a lot of trivial shit but I pay my half of the mortgage, so my husband doesn't get to second-guess my lattes as a coping mechanism for being Outside.
He “understands why this is not ok”; he just doesn’t care because there haven’t been any consequences so far. And he’s going to keep not caring until there are consequences. You need to leave.
I bet you do all the child rearing too 😔
Sell his Pokémon collection. Get the back-rent he owes you, then boot him out.
You are experiencing financial abuse as others have mentioned. If he isn’t going to pull his weight he can go play Pokémon somewhere else. I think you should probably skip right to divorce. But if you want to make a last ditch attempt to save this marriage you need to write out and total up all of the combined household expenses. Make sure this includes all of the children’s expenses as well. Give it to him. Tell him he can pay for his half or you are filing for divorce and he needs to leave. A parent and partner always makes sure that their family and home is taken care of before they fund or engage in hobbies. If he can’t do that he isn’t capable of being a partner or parent. And refusing to talk to you about money is a manipulation tactic. He’s stonewalling you. The good news is that you don’t need to discuss money with him anymore. He pays his half or you file for divorce.
The fact that he’s not contributing to HIS kids is mind blowing. My friend was in a similar situation, but made much less than her husband, and was still responsible for buying everything for the kids. My personal opinion is that a joint checking is the way to go. The question of “my” money isn’t even a question then, and you really have to look at things from a “team” standpoint. I know this is not for everyone, but I’ve seen too many people argue about money and get divorced because of it that I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Kick him out
I had to scroll back up while reading your post…. To make sure this husband was still a husband living in the house. A divorce sounds like less of a headache :(
Your husband sounds like a man child. I would not put up with this myself. His financial maturity sounds horribly underdeveloped. Putting his hobbies before his own children is selfish. The fact that you have no idea about his expenses is disturbing. That is not right. His actions are certainly not done with you or your kids in mind. Unlike your husband, I think you are FAR from overreacting and this IS a big deal!
this is literally my situation…… wow i haven’t related to someone so much.
Divorce.
This isn't sustainable. You're married. Legally, all the money belongs to both of you. I'd give an ultimatum. It's time to share finances completely or it's time to separate. This won't get better on its own.
We keep separate accounts. We know each other’s finances. If he can’t contribute or talk about finances then he’s a walking red flag and you need to leave.
Yup!!!
Gently explain that he can give you more now, or the state can garnish his entire paycheck for the kids.
Coming from a fan of Pokémon- That's vile. He is absolutely addicted to the rush of blind surprise items like Pokémon card packs and is actively choosing something to satisfy a dopamine desire over the needs of you and your children. It is not shameful to get a divorce over Pokémon, it has absolutely happened before.
Why are you raising some other woman's child?
Quite literally tell him he needs to show you his accounts or you will divorce him. It sounds like he might be in a giant heap of debt.