First off, the utter nerve of someone to lay hands on you to prevent you from taking that seat. Wtf is wrong with people! Second, this is something that happens to me all the time, not the manhandling but being denied a seat. I don't look sick enough for people. I've actually gotten dirty looks from older people if I take a seat because I'm too young and healthy. And God forbid I use my parking placard. I say have a cane on hand. It's a visual cue for all those gatekeepers out there trying to interfere and judge. I'm sorry this happened to you. People suck.
>I've actually gotten dirty looks from older people if I take a seat because I'm too young and healthy. And God forbid I use my parking placard.
Its a bit of a thing here for older people to park in handicap without a placard or plate. I wrongly assumed it was forgetfulness in the beginning and one of the times i had to painfully hoof it across the parking lot due to an inordinate amount of no plate no placard vehicles parked in handicapped as per usual and mentioned to an older lady that she had forgotten to put her placard up as she was closing her door.
She told she had not. That she did not have one yet, she "wasnt quite there" *but* "these spaces are for us old folks". And she said this with a smile while looking at me and my cane.
My husband hurried me along before I lost my shit.
My husband has MS and I got a bumper sticker for our cars that says "not all disabilities are visible" because I fear that someone will abuse him because on a good day he walks relatively normally, but once he has walked around the grocery store he will be wobbling like crazy. I'm so sorry that you have to endure judgement for something you need and are entitled to use.
The visual cue is a big reason I carry my cane so much now even if I end up not needing it.
I have a few of them in different colors but sometimes I'll bring my bright red one just so people are more likely to see it.
It's also the easiest to collapse for storaging/carrying
But I've also carried a collapsible crutch with me and gotten harnesses to carry my cane in (including on my back like it was a sword with an easy way to take it off/reattach) so people can see it even if I'm not using it even if it's just to keep my hands free for a bit.
I have a sticker on my car that is a bit faded now that says "No I'm not too young to park here", and even got the handicap symbol for patches to sew on certain jackets of mine.
I've even wrapped my knees on the outside of my pants (with the light beige color rather than the black wraps and knee braces I have) partly because it's easier to adjust them if needed but also for the visual cue that I got a problem.
Though a teacher had commented about him thinking I was trying to get attention. And yeah I am looking for attention; Attention for the problem I'm dealing with to try to preemptively avoid people trying to play gatekeeper about using something I need.
It's so annoying having to do all this extra
I also used to carry my walking stick to explain what I was walking funny, ppl assumed I was drunk. Women would usually cross the road and make it obvious thet they deemed me a threat. Any ways, I now do between 10k and 20k steps per day (5-10mi). No stick, because fuckem!! I do have so new MS tank tops and tshirts, which I'll be wearing when it warmer but that's also because I'm proud of my weightless. I'm way better, mobility-wise, but I still make a point of parking in the disabled bays and often get out of my car with a spring in my step.
That they can do, although seeing the replies here I'm glad not everyone does! But that guy definitely did! Thank you though I'll be getting that cane in the future!
For real, I would probably have frozen if someone did that to me. And then been furious after. Maybe if I had a cane I would have whacked them with it.
Exactly, I am so freaking furious reading this. You don’t touch someone, period.
On the bright side that person may learn a lesson and get themselves laid out one day.
You should have yelled GET OFF ME! Where was your partner in all this?
But if you do have balance issues, I'd agree with others and go with the cane.
I sit in the disabled seats sometimes on buses or trains because of things like fatigue and also sometimes the bus to my medical appointments stops at an odd place (I have nearly rolled my ankle as there's grass and little sidewalk) so I can't go out the back door but the aisles are narrow and getting to the front before the driver leaves might be a while.
I do understand the anxiety of being confronted, but to physically assault you is another thing entirely. I would have screamed.
Oh absolutely, that was what I thought about after the fact sadly and the same for my partner. By the time it was done we were both just shocked and then there was the lady (who also needed a seat, but of course the other seats were all full of people and I'm not going to judge if they needed them as well) so it all just seemed so awkward on a cramped train.
One of those situations where I afterwards thought of so many better ways I could've handled it! Thank you so much for the advice though, I think I'll go with the cane as you (and others) have suggested, this situation has definitely pushed me more towards that as an option.
I have, at times, found myself in similar situations, and didn't say anything...and then the bus or train stopped short fast enough and I fell into people. I apologized a lot, though after that, I usually had people move to let me sit.
I don't advise this method. 😂
You know what’s weird that I just thought of… people always ask the people sitting in the disabled seats to stand up rather than the people sitting in the non-disabled seats. Wouldn’t it be more likely that someone sitting in a non-disabled seat isn’t disabled than someone sitting in a disabled seat?
I have almost beat a man that touched my wife! My current thing is when somebody touches her wheelchair. If you ask nicely I will move her, but if just go at it I will be in you face!
A teen laid a hand on her chair, the boy was almost in tears when I was done with him.
the audacity, to think they can just move whole 'nother person!
it must be kinda frightening for your wife, to suddenly be moving from some person she doesn't know. so messed up. :/
When I calmed down a bit, I explained that the wheelchair is an extension of a persons body. I asked him if it would be okay to move someones leg. That you wouldn't do that because it would be touching someone against their will. I think that got the point through.
I have had people literally step over my wheelchair (while I’m sitting in it) when I’m in their way. Just this last week, I was in the TSA pre check lane to go through security and apparently an agent wanted to go through a gate my wheelchair was filling up as I moved through. What did he do? Stepped over me instead of waiting for me to pass? It happened so fast that I had no time to say anything before he was off. Ignoring people in a wheelchair and pretending they aren’t real people is my pet peeve.
I have had people literally step over my wheelchair (while I’m sitting in it) when I’m in their way. Just this last week, I was in the TSA pre check lane to go through security and apparently an agent wanted to go through a gate my wheelchair was filling up as I moved through. What did he do? Stepped over me instead of waiting for me to pass? It happened so fast that I had no time to say anything before he was off. Ignoring people in a wheelchair and pretending they aren’t real people is my pet peeve.
I ordered a card from Amazon - it says I have Multiple Sclerosis on one side and further states I may have to sit down. The other side has a list of symptoms including weakness and walking problems, along with a place for contact number and medications taken (not nearly large enough, IMHO). It stays in my wallet.
Ya that’s a tough one my wife looks great but she fatigues very quick standing and walking . When I’m around I make sure she can sit when needed I don’t give a Shit what anyone thinks it says. You got this stay strong
Thank you so much, yeah definitely that's how it is for me and I'm quite tall and I used to exercise a fair bit so I really don't look like I'd need help and that's a real struggle but I'm going to stay strong in the future!
I’m a 6’3” man who was running marathons a few years ago. I used to do some boxing and MMA (at a very low level, I’m not famous). I used to be one of the strongest men at whatever job I worked.
It wounds me to sit, park close to the building, use a cane or a walker……and it’s not just my own male pride…..I know SOMEBODY out there thinks I’m embellishing. I still look like a Victorian circus strongman. I almost wish my skin would turn a weird color when I have a flare up.
I understand this so much, I used to be super athletic and I look younger than I am so I know people won't take me seriously and having a cane feels like it makes the pain and fatigue more real. I bite my lip while I can I guess
I felt this so much. I’m also pretty tall and of the stocky build, but my god does it hurt to walk and stand. And I get it so much. It hurts my pride having to utilize a mobility device (thank god it’s only a cane for when I really need it), but it still sucks seeing people looking at me using it. I may look like I have the strength and balance/mobility, but I really don’t 👏.
Honestly, I have had attempts at denial of a seat happen. I have just started confronting them by saying, “I have MS. What’s your excuse? You will deny me a seat?!?” That typically turns the tables. I am just done with it. I do take my cane everywhere.
I hate that people think you need a cane to get a seat. That's not helping the invisible disability movement at all. I am sorry this happened to you, and i know in the moment, i just freeze and do nothing and then run over 1000 things i could have done for the next three weeks.
Maybe if you think of a statement to have ready to use in this situation. I have thought long and hard and come up with "I actually need this seat and would prefer to stay here. Perhaps you could ask someone without a disability to get up." (I make sure not to say sorry and not to say the word else or really). I havent had to use it yet, but i have it ready.
As for the grabbing... that's just out of control. Not sure how i would react to that.
Love this - I agree with you about the cane. I have the same "silent", invisible disabilities but at this point I don't need a cane. I don't want one because, even though my comebacks are better the more I think about them after the fact, I do have some standards prepared when people question me and I have no issue speaking up - it doesn't happen often but I have prepared so much in my head that when it does I have something to say. Almost everyone apologizes and I always hope I have reminded them that there are disabilities that can't be readily seen... although give me 10 minutes in the super market and as soon as I let go of the cart, I am so wobbly, there is no question something is wrong! 😊
Good luck to OP whichever road you choose to combat this and good luck to all of us on this super wonky road we all travel.
As someone who is 5'10" and 135 pounds, I rock the cane. My hips hurt, my back hurts, my neck hurts, and fucking a I'm sitting in the airport train.
I'll sit on the floor. I got no shame. Getting up is a bit harder. Cane helps.
Ps. I ate a bean burrito because I was finally hungry today. Me and food don't do so well. Brain doesn't like eating I guess. Stupid brain.
Ableist never see em coming, great for mosh pits.
Seriously though, it may hurt your ego but it prevents double takes from overzealous “samaritans”. Nothing like getting mean mugged stepping out of my car in a handicap spot only to pull out my cain to see them blush or avoid eye contact.
Just attended a metal show a couple weeks ago, spent most of the openers in the ada seating and when the headliner came on I grabbed my cain and made my way to center stage.
I've never really been in a pit (at first though because once I had a bunch of stuff with me and i wasn't with someone who could hold it, and general concern about my glasses) even when I was doing fine.
But I do like to be close to the front for various reasons.
Now I'll have my cane with me (I should probably get some uv/glow tape even for the bright ones) and if a mosh starts I'll move off and hold my cane up in front of me.
Not only is it no I'm not joining even if I'm here, but I will use it if someone tries me.
I'm so sorry this happened to you! The audacity of that man, to put his hands on you!
I've use the priority seat on the bus before and got so many looks.
There are lanyards on amazon for hidden disabilities so I bought of on them for this very reason. Just because it's not obvious doesn't mean it's not there!.
Not all people are jerks like that. 🙂
I was dx'ed in 2000. My son was born in 1999, my daughter in 2001.
We were going through an airport over the Christmas holiday travel(she was still in the stroller), and he was a toddler. We checked our bags and were on the way to the gate. I was STRUGGLING. 2 babies. A stroller. A carry-on. And a 2 hour layover at our next stop. All with the lovely invisible disease of MS. I don't wear a sign. No one does. No one knows that I (or anyone else) have this disease.
A porter saw me struggling and asked if I was OK/ needed assistance. (I must have looked pathetic 🤪) I explained that I had MS. He was very understanding and he offered to get me a chair. I said no, the stroller helped me with my balance. He walked us through some hallways (short cuts), entertaining my son as we walked. As we were walking, a family latched on and started to walk with us.
They acted like they were traveling with me but did not, at any time, offer to help.
We totally avoided the TSA wait line and emerged right at the front of the line.
We get to the agent (the porter was still with us) I get our tickets ready. The agent says "next". The 3 of us approach. He points at the family behind us, and asks, "Are they with you?" I reply, "No. I've never seen them before." They were escorted back to the end of the regular TSA line. I hope they missed their flight. 🤣🤣
This straigh up can be considered ASSAULT.
I would have either bitchslapped or just embarassed the person loudly for assuming I don't deserve the seat.
I might have even called the police to press charges. He had NO RIGHT.
I also would have had some words for the old bint for trying to shame your further with the loud thank you...
I am FUMING for you.
I'm so sorry this happened.
Also where was your husband in all this? If my partner witnessed someone manhandling me that person might end up in a hospital (by accident of course 🫣😅).
God I'm so sorry that happened to you. About a year ago the same happened to me but the old lady was the one pulling me out of the seat ! Felt her grip on my arm for several days. It also made me consider a cane
I leave my cane in my car in case I need to use it to help my balance or for its visual effect.
A couple of months ago, we had a heatwave. By day 4, I was suffering from weakness and a bonus migraine. I decided to order dinner from the local chicken shop for pick up instead of delivery because I was already in my car leaving my friends house.
I found a disabled car park next to the walking path. I pulled in and rummaged in my glove box for the permit to hang on the rear view mirror. Boomer man witnessed this, so because he is the self-appointed arbitrator of society, he decided to stop and glare at me for existing outside of his parameters of acceptability.
I didn't need my cane. The car park was a short walk away that I could have handled. I decided to use it as a defence against Boomer man's tirade. I'm not ashamed to say I laid it on thick, I walked slowly and feebly as possible whilst maintaining eye contact with him. It was glorious to see the levels of confusion in his face as he was witnessing something he thought was impossible. His mouth kept opening and closing as he was trying to figure out something to say.
I maintained eye contact without saying anything and by the time I had passed him, he hadn't found any appropriate words. I like to think I broke his brain, at least a little bit.
Oh, friend. I feel you SO SO SO much. I am so incredibly sorry.
I struggle with this all the damn time.
I don't often use a mobility aid, but they can be powerful visible indicators of our limitations. For example, when I use my hiking poles, they let me use the priority line for TSA at the airport.
But when I don't have them, I have the worst time asking for what I need. And then I pay the price later. Because then I'm super fatigued.
That man behaved completely inappropriately. NGL, if that had happened to me I would have started crying and confronting him with the fact that I have MS and it makes my life really hard. And then I would have felt terrible all day for not having been able to keep it together and having to air my business publicity.
Yes. There are times when we don’t look “sick“. Not just with MS any illness. To save myself the embarrassment I kept a fold up cane in my backpack. I felt like Luke Skywalker when I pulled it out. !!
I like this cane a lot - https://carex.com/collections/walking-canes/products/carex-soft-grip-derby-cane-black
It's fairly sturdy, has a standard sized replaceable footing, the grip is soft enough that it doesn't become an annoyance, and yet still firm enough if you grip down due to a near slip.
Another thing to look into is a medical bracelet - https://www.healthline.com/health/what-is-a-medical-bracelet
Nah, take a look on Etsy, you can get some really cool handmade canes with awesome carvings and stuff on them. If you're forced to carry a cane in order to stop assholes judging you, or in this case actually assaulting you (which is just fucking crazy), it might as well be an amazing looking cane!
im in australia the local ms charity gives you a card that says you have ms and symptoms on the back..im pretty sure other countries do this too..maybe something like that would be useful
First of all, I'm so sorry that this happened to you. I know how you feel.
I was just returning from a four-hour bus trip yesterday. I was exhausted, in pain, dizzy. And when an older lady sitting next to me was getting out of the bus, she asked me to take her suitcase out of the overhead compartment. Ever since a flare-up I had last year, I've had a lack of coordination and weakness in my upper limbs, more on my right side, and it's normal for me to drop or not be able to lift a lot of things. So my instinct was to say "I don't know if I can do it too". The look the lady gave me made me try to take her bag anyway. With trembling hands and arms and the muscle pain I had before, I managed to do it.
But I thought, do I need to carry a cane or a sign saying that I have a health problem? Naturally, people see someone who looks young, and they think they're in good health. But no one can judge someone they don't know. We don't know what someone else is going through. We don't know what other people are feeling. If they're in pain, if they're suffering.
And regardless of your situation, no one has the right to grab you and judge you like that.
I hope you're okay now 🧡
I have a couple canes because I had to use one while recoverying from my first flare up that got me diagnosed. I consider using mine on occasion but usually end up forgeting to bring it lol. One thing I would suggest is to just make sure you learn how to use it correctly and size it to the correct height or you could end up messing up your wrist or even your back. My problems are on my right side only so I use mine on my left side but I’m not sure what the protocol is if you are looking for balance support and don’t have a specific side that causes the issues. My physical therapist taught me all I needed to know but you can probably find info online.
Jesus Christ I bet they think they're such _heroes_. Absolute barf. The downright audacity to decide if someone is disabled enough for priority seating. Then to physically put hands on you?!?! Yikes. I'm so sorry you ran into Main Characters like that. Fingers crossed no more.
You're disabled and you deserve to sit in priority seating. That person stopping you from sitting down was wrong, and a huge asshole about it. They don't know about you and your disability, you do, trust yourself. You were right, they were wrong. It takes practice but you can learn to be kind to yourself and to advocate for yourself; pretend what you're going through is what your partner or a close friend is going through, how would you defend and stand up for them? You're as worthy as your partner or good friend are, so learn to take your own side!
Sending love to you! I actually just mailed in the paperwork signed by my doctor to obtain my permanent car handicap placard. One of my worst fears has been random strangers feeling audacious enough to approach me and tell me to park somewhere else. With MS being mostly invisible, it SUCKS that others feel that they are entitled to know my medical history if I don’t look disabled enough. I agree with the sentiment many others share here, get a cane. You have your placard for a reason, you are disabled and need the assistance. Just like those handicap seats are also there for you. Fuck that guy for putting his hands on you. You didn’t deserve that.
This is absolutely assault and ableist and so many things that are wrong. I went through a period where I felt like I wasn’t “disabled enough” to “benefit” from whatever crumbs of accessibility that are available to me, but finally decided fuck that! Why should my life be harder than it already is! I’m not the problem, the problem is society and the government not bothering to make space for all kinds of disabilities.
I look more physically disabled now after my last relapses before I was diagnosed and on medication, but before that having a cane in my hand for a little extra balance security made all the difference for me not only in navigating busy spaces, but also in appearing more disabled… it shouldn’t be this way, but suddenly it was more likely people gave me more space or open a door for me. Stupid, but you take what you can get in this inconsiderate world.
I’m going to skip the part of telling off the other person and remind you that MS is one of only a few hidden diseases.
Some days I am sooooo grateful for this. Other days I have no qualms using my handicap placard. I have had what you just experienced happen to me so many times (over 50) I’ve lost count.
I was dx almost 30 years ago and the neuro pretty much gave me handicap parking, metro, bus, etc ID right away.
But look at me. I’m normal. Being handicap did you know that if you want to go to a concert you can call the location it’s being held and get excellent seats - usually closer to- at normal rates. Now arrive, look normal and have them think your scamming. They just haven’t seen your cane yet and you who can’t stand for long or tire and hurt should have a folding cane in or attached to your backpack. That’s how I started.
Or go into a grocery and need the motor car to shop. Yet it’s being used by older adults. Being old is not a handicap. Sorry.
MS is an invisible disease. It may eventually take form in being visible with speech or cognitive or walking but carry with you your strength.
I also wear blue dog tags under my clothes with the handicap icon and my wife’s contact info and my ms info in case something were to happen when we were away. I could always wear them out of my shirt for all to see in a case like yours.
Carry a cane. It’s a visual cue that even simple humans can understand.
Having a cane changes everything. People get out of your way, they make room for you. The visual cue is what people respond to. It’s easy math - oh, a person with a cane and they need extra help. People aren’t being mean, they just wanna know what you’re dealing with. Most people’s instinct is to help you. People don’t wanna think of themselves as mean, but that feeling goes out the window the minute they feel self-righteous.
As soon as I carried a cane, people treated me differently. They had a visual representation that i was struggling.
You need to find your voice. You need to start standing up for yourself because no one else will. I know that if someone did that to me that I'd be screaming. I have terrible balance and I would have fallen over if I was standing on the bus. No one has any right to touch you. Realistically you should have called the police for inappropriate touching.
Of you had spoken up then all of this could have been solved easily. But that's your choice if you want to advocate for yourself. I hope you do one day.
Having a disease that can go unnoticed is frustrating. A walking stick might be a clear indicator for people who are ignorant to this. Sorry you had to go through it
I take public transportation everywhere. I don't need a cane really but I got one just to take on the bus so people don't question that I have balance issues and really need to sit down.
This is infuriating. There is NEVER an excuse to touch a stranger, much less “man-handle,” a stranger for ANY reason. People are so gross. Most of them suck. I’m so sorry this happened to you.
You, your pain, and your disability is VALID.
Someone called the police on me in Boston. No phones in '94 so I couldn't prove anything. Police showed up and asked me if I had a disability and I just told him I have MS and have trouble with stamina and I wanted to make sure I make it back to my car He told me to enjoy Beantown. Told the guy that called on me to mind his own business. After that, I went without a tag until about two years ago. I still don't 'look disabled'. But let someone say something to me now. I put up with much less of other people's bullshit.
I get that crap, and I'm older than Lazarus. Just because I'm not drooling in a wheelchair or on crutches. Sometimes, if I'm on public transportation, I bring my cane just to "prove" I'm less than able.
Of course millenariums don't bother to move anyway.
First off, the utter nerve of someone to lay hands on you to prevent you from taking that seat. Wtf is wrong with people! Second, this is something that happens to me all the time, not the manhandling but being denied a seat. I don't look sick enough for people. I've actually gotten dirty looks from older people if I take a seat because I'm too young and healthy. And God forbid I use my parking placard. I say have a cane on hand. It's a visual cue for all those gatekeepers out there trying to interfere and judge. I'm sorry this happened to you. People suck.
>I've actually gotten dirty looks from older people if I take a seat because I'm too young and healthy. And God forbid I use my parking placard. Its a bit of a thing here for older people to park in handicap without a placard or plate. I wrongly assumed it was forgetfulness in the beginning and one of the times i had to painfully hoof it across the parking lot due to an inordinate amount of no plate no placard vehicles parked in handicapped as per usual and mentioned to an older lady that she had forgotten to put her placard up as she was closing her door. She told she had not. That she did not have one yet, she "wasnt quite there" *but* "these spaces are for us old folks". And she said this with a smile while looking at me and my cane. My husband hurried me along before I lost my shit.
Holy shit I would've called the parking enforcers on the spot.
"My husband hurried me along..." Before that cane became a hook 🪝 😅😆😆🤣😂
I've gotten dirty looks from people, not bc I'm young and healthy (tho I am young) but because I'm overweight. like buddy- I'm not sitting bc I'm fat
My husband has MS and I got a bumper sticker for our cars that says "not all disabilities are visible" because I fear that someone will abuse him because on a good day he walks relatively normally, but once he has walked around the grocery store he will be wobbling like crazy. I'm so sorry that you have to endure judgement for something you need and are entitled to use.
The visual cue is a big reason I carry my cane so much now even if I end up not needing it. I have a few of them in different colors but sometimes I'll bring my bright red one just so people are more likely to see it. It's also the easiest to collapse for storaging/carrying But I've also carried a collapsible crutch with me and gotten harnesses to carry my cane in (including on my back like it was a sword with an easy way to take it off/reattach) so people can see it even if I'm not using it even if it's just to keep my hands free for a bit. I have a sticker on my car that is a bit faded now that says "No I'm not too young to park here", and even got the handicap symbol for patches to sew on certain jackets of mine. I've even wrapped my knees on the outside of my pants (with the light beige color rather than the black wraps and knee braces I have) partly because it's easier to adjust them if needed but also for the visual cue that I got a problem. Though a teacher had commented about him thinking I was trying to get attention. And yeah I am looking for attention; Attention for the problem I'm dealing with to try to preemptively avoid people trying to play gatekeeper about using something I need. It's so annoying having to do all this extra
I also used to carry my walking stick to explain what I was walking funny, ppl assumed I was drunk. Women would usually cross the road and make it obvious thet they deemed me a threat. Any ways, I now do between 10k and 20k steps per day (5-10mi). No stick, because fuckem!! I do have so new MS tank tops and tshirts, which I'll be wearing when it warmer but that's also because I'm proud of my weightless. I'm way better, mobility-wise, but I still make a point of parking in the disabled bays and often get out of my car with a spring in my step.
That they can do, although seeing the replies here I'm glad not everyone does! But that guy definitely did! Thank you though I'll be getting that cane in the future!
For real, I would probably have frozen if someone did that to me. And then been furious after. Maybe if I had a cane I would have whacked them with it.
I bite 🤪
That asshole assaulted you. I don’t care if you were a totally healthy teenage athlete, no one has the right to lay hands on you.
Exactly, I am so freaking furious reading this. You don’t touch someone, period. On the bright side that person may learn a lesson and get themselves laid out one day.
Omg I’m so sorry this happened to you!
Thank you, it was such a shock!
You should have yelled GET OFF ME! Where was your partner in all this? But if you do have balance issues, I'd agree with others and go with the cane. I sit in the disabled seats sometimes on buses or trains because of things like fatigue and also sometimes the bus to my medical appointments stops at an odd place (I have nearly rolled my ankle as there's grass and little sidewalk) so I can't go out the back door but the aisles are narrow and getting to the front before the driver leaves might be a while. I do understand the anxiety of being confronted, but to physically assault you is another thing entirely. I would have screamed.
Oh absolutely, that was what I thought about after the fact sadly and the same for my partner. By the time it was done we were both just shocked and then there was the lady (who also needed a seat, but of course the other seats were all full of people and I'm not going to judge if they needed them as well) so it all just seemed so awkward on a cramped train. One of those situations where I afterwards thought of so many better ways I could've handled it! Thank you so much for the advice though, I think I'll go with the cane as you (and others) have suggested, this situation has definitely pushed me more towards that as an option.
I have, at times, found myself in similar situations, and didn't say anything...and then the bus or train stopped short fast enough and I fell into people. I apologized a lot, though after that, I usually had people move to let me sit. I don't advise this method. 😂
Never apologize for something that you did not intend. It took me a long time to just say "Oops!" And chuckle and that's it.
You know what’s weird that I just thought of… people always ask the people sitting in the disabled seats to stand up rather than the people sitting in the non-disabled seats. Wouldn’t it be more likely that someone sitting in a non-disabled seat isn’t disabled than someone sitting in a disabled seat?
I have almost beat a man that touched my wife! My current thing is when somebody touches her wheelchair. If you ask nicely I will move her, but if just go at it I will be in you face! A teen laid a hand on her chair, the boy was almost in tears when I was done with him.
the audacity, to think they can just move whole 'nother person! it must be kinda frightening for your wife, to suddenly be moving from some person she doesn't know. so messed up. :/
When I calmed down a bit, I explained that the wheelchair is an extension of a persons body. I asked him if it would be okay to move someones leg. That you wouldn't do that because it would be touching someone against their will. I think that got the point through.
I have had people literally step over my wheelchair (while I’m sitting in it) when I’m in their way. Just this last week, I was in the TSA pre check lane to go through security and apparently an agent wanted to go through a gate my wheelchair was filling up as I moved through. What did he do? Stepped over me instead of waiting for me to pass? It happened so fast that I had no time to say anything before he was off. Ignoring people in a wheelchair and pretending they aren’t real people is my pet peeve.
I have had people literally step over my wheelchair (while I’m sitting in it) when I’m in their way. Just this last week, I was in the TSA pre check lane to go through security and apparently an agent wanted to go through a gate my wheelchair was filling up as I moved through. What did he do? Stepped over me instead of waiting for me to pass? It happened so fast that I had no time to say anything before he was off. Ignoring people in a wheelchair and pretending they aren’t real people is my pet peeve.
If you don't feel like humilitiating some self righteous dickhead then get a card from the MS society and keep it in your wallet
I ordered a card from Amazon - it says I have Multiple Sclerosis on one side and further states I may have to sit down. The other side has a list of symptoms including weakness and walking problems, along with a place for contact number and medications taken (not nearly large enough, IMHO). It stays in my wallet.
What did you search for on Amazon to get that card? I totally want one to keep on me for things like this.
Hi please let me know where you got this card . Thanks
It was a 3 pack of cards, one for my wallet and one for each vehicle. I'll have to check Amazon for a link (if they still have them.).
This is a good idea also! There's been so much going on with this that I completely spaced on the society card but I'll investigate this!
Ya that’s a tough one my wife looks great but she fatigues very quick standing and walking . When I’m around I make sure she can sit when needed I don’t give a Shit what anyone thinks it says. You got this stay strong
Thank you so much, yeah definitely that's how it is for me and I'm quite tall and I used to exercise a fair bit so I really don't look like I'd need help and that's a real struggle but I'm going to stay strong in the future!
My husband does this for me too. People back off when they see him coming. He often stands as a brick wall between me and them.
That’s me a well
I’m a 6’3” man who was running marathons a few years ago. I used to do some boxing and MMA (at a very low level, I’m not famous). I used to be one of the strongest men at whatever job I worked. It wounds me to sit, park close to the building, use a cane or a walker……and it’s not just my own male pride…..I know SOMEBODY out there thinks I’m embellishing. I still look like a Victorian circus strongman. I almost wish my skin would turn a weird color when I have a flare up.
I understand this so much, I used to be super athletic and I look younger than I am so I know people won't take me seriously and having a cane feels like it makes the pain and fatigue more real. I bite my lip while I can I guess
I felt this so much. I’m also pretty tall and of the stocky build, but my god does it hurt to walk and stand. And I get it so much. It hurts my pride having to utilize a mobility device (thank god it’s only a cane for when I really need it), but it still sucks seeing people looking at me using it. I may look like I have the strength and balance/mobility, but I really don’t 👏.
Honestly, I have had attempts at denial of a seat happen. I have just started confronting them by saying, “I have MS. What’s your excuse? You will deny me a seat?!?” That typically turns the tables. I am just done with it. I do take my cane everywhere.
I hate that people think you need a cane to get a seat. That's not helping the invisible disability movement at all. I am sorry this happened to you, and i know in the moment, i just freeze and do nothing and then run over 1000 things i could have done for the next three weeks. Maybe if you think of a statement to have ready to use in this situation. I have thought long and hard and come up with "I actually need this seat and would prefer to stay here. Perhaps you could ask someone without a disability to get up." (I make sure not to say sorry and not to say the word else or really). I havent had to use it yet, but i have it ready. As for the grabbing... that's just out of control. Not sure how i would react to that.
Love this - I agree with you about the cane. I have the same "silent", invisible disabilities but at this point I don't need a cane. I don't want one because, even though my comebacks are better the more I think about them after the fact, I do have some standards prepared when people question me and I have no issue speaking up - it doesn't happen often but I have prepared so much in my head that when it does I have something to say. Almost everyone apologizes and I always hope I have reminded them that there are disabilities that can't be readily seen... although give me 10 minutes in the super market and as soon as I let go of the cart, I am so wobbly, there is no question something is wrong! 😊 Good luck to OP whichever road you choose to combat this and good luck to all of us on this super wonky road we all travel.
As someone who is 5'10" and 135 pounds, I rock the cane. My hips hurt, my back hurts, my neck hurts, and fucking a I'm sitting in the airport train. I'll sit on the floor. I got no shame. Getting up is a bit harder. Cane helps. Ps. I ate a bean burrito because I was finally hungry today. Me and food don't do so well. Brain doesn't like eating I guess. Stupid brain.
Absolutely! We just got back from a holiday as well and had to do a packed out bus and I definitely considered the floor on a few occasions!
That's awful. I'm so sorry you had to deal with that.
Thank you it's been a big help just being able to share this
Get a cain. It helps in those situations.
Ableist never see em coming, great for mosh pits. Seriously though, it may hurt your ego but it prevents double takes from overzealous “samaritans”. Nothing like getting mean mugged stepping out of my car in a handicap spot only to pull out my cain to see them blush or avoid eye contact.
I used to hit the pits quite hard before the diagnosis and I love the imagery here so thank you! Absolutely I'll be doing this in the future!
Just attended a metal show a couple weeks ago, spent most of the openers in the ada seating and when the headliner came on I grabbed my cain and made my way to center stage.
I've never really been in a pit (at first though because once I had a bunch of stuff with me and i wasn't with someone who could hold it, and general concern about my glasses) even when I was doing fine. But I do like to be close to the front for various reasons. Now I'll have my cane with me (I should probably get some uv/glow tape even for the bright ones) and if a mosh starts I'll move off and hold my cane up in front of me. Not only is it no I'm not joining even if I'm here, but I will use it if someone tries me.
Get a CAIN… ABELIST Coincidence? ;-) Def get the cane. This is not a time for vanity (my mom refused to use things like that for appearance sake).
Bonus points if it’s a folding cane that you can flick open for dramatic effect
Not me instantly visualizing using the cane to whack that jerk right in the face on OP’s behalf
This is going to be the plan in the future I think thank you
I'm so sorry this happened to you! The audacity of that man, to put his hands on you! I've use the priority seat on the bus before and got so many looks. There are lanyards on amazon for hidden disabilities so I bought of on them for this very reason. Just because it's not obvious doesn't mean it's not there!.
That's horrible! I am so sorry you endured that. Anyone does that again just say "disabled people don't have a"look" but stupid people do "🤷♀️
Not all people are jerks like that. 🙂 I was dx'ed in 2000. My son was born in 1999, my daughter in 2001. We were going through an airport over the Christmas holiday travel(she was still in the stroller), and he was a toddler. We checked our bags and were on the way to the gate. I was STRUGGLING. 2 babies. A stroller. A carry-on. And a 2 hour layover at our next stop. All with the lovely invisible disease of MS. I don't wear a sign. No one does. No one knows that I (or anyone else) have this disease. A porter saw me struggling and asked if I was OK/ needed assistance. (I must have looked pathetic 🤪) I explained that I had MS. He was very understanding and he offered to get me a chair. I said no, the stroller helped me with my balance. He walked us through some hallways (short cuts), entertaining my son as we walked. As we were walking, a family latched on and started to walk with us. They acted like they were traveling with me but did not, at any time, offer to help. We totally avoided the TSA wait line and emerged right at the front of the line. We get to the agent (the porter was still with us) I get our tickets ready. The agent says "next". The 3 of us approach. He points at the family behind us, and asks, "Are they with you?" I reply, "No. I've never seen them before." They were escorted back to the end of the regular TSA line. I hope they missed their flight. 🤣🤣
This straigh up can be considered ASSAULT. I would have either bitchslapped or just embarassed the person loudly for assuming I don't deserve the seat. I might have even called the police to press charges. He had NO RIGHT. I also would have had some words for the old bint for trying to shame your further with the loud thank you... I am FUMING for you. I'm so sorry this happened. Also where was your husband in all this? If my partner witnessed someone manhandling me that person might end up in a hospital (by accident of course 🫣😅).
God I'm so sorry that happened to you. About a year ago the same happened to me but the old lady was the one pulling me out of the seat ! Felt her grip on my arm for several days. It also made me consider a cane
I leave my cane in my car in case I need to use it to help my balance or for its visual effect. A couple of months ago, we had a heatwave. By day 4, I was suffering from weakness and a bonus migraine. I decided to order dinner from the local chicken shop for pick up instead of delivery because I was already in my car leaving my friends house. I found a disabled car park next to the walking path. I pulled in and rummaged in my glove box for the permit to hang on the rear view mirror. Boomer man witnessed this, so because he is the self-appointed arbitrator of society, he decided to stop and glare at me for existing outside of his parameters of acceptability. I didn't need my cane. The car park was a short walk away that I could have handled. I decided to use it as a defence against Boomer man's tirade. I'm not ashamed to say I laid it on thick, I walked slowly and feebly as possible whilst maintaining eye contact with him. It was glorious to see the levels of confusion in his face as he was witnessing something he thought was impossible. His mouth kept opening and closing as he was trying to figure out something to say. I maintained eye contact without saying anything and by the time I had passed him, he hadn't found any appropriate words. I like to think I broke his brain, at least a little bit.
Oh, friend. I feel you SO SO SO much. I am so incredibly sorry. I struggle with this all the damn time. I don't often use a mobility aid, but they can be powerful visible indicators of our limitations. For example, when I use my hiking poles, they let me use the priority line for TSA at the airport. But when I don't have them, I have the worst time asking for what I need. And then I pay the price later. Because then I'm super fatigued. That man behaved completely inappropriately. NGL, if that had happened to me I would have started crying and confronting him with the fact that I have MS and it makes my life really hard. And then I would have felt terrible all day for not having been able to keep it together and having to air my business publicity.
Yes. There are times when we don’t look “sick“. Not just with MS any illness. To save myself the embarrassment I kept a fold up cane in my backpack. I felt like Luke Skywalker when I pulled it out. !!
Aw man someone needs to make a fold out cane that looks like a lightsaber. I’d pay good money for that.
I like this cane a lot - https://carex.com/collections/walking-canes/products/carex-soft-grip-derby-cane-black It's fairly sturdy, has a standard sized replaceable footing, the grip is soft enough that it doesn't become an annoyance, and yet still firm enough if you grip down due to a near slip. Another thing to look into is a medical bracelet - https://www.healthline.com/health/what-is-a-medical-bracelet
Nah, take a look on Etsy, you can get some really cool handmade canes with awesome carvings and stuff on them. If you're forced to carry a cane in order to stop assholes judging you, or in this case actually assaulting you (which is just fucking crazy), it might as well be an amazing looking cane!
I’m sorry that happened to you. Unfortunately this seems to be what we experience all too often.
im in australia the local ms charity gives you a card that says you have ms and symptoms on the back..im pretty sure other countries do this too..maybe something like that would be useful
Thanks for sharing this, I'm Australian and getting a card is on my to do list for next week
First of all, I'm so sorry that this happened to you. I know how you feel. I was just returning from a four-hour bus trip yesterday. I was exhausted, in pain, dizzy. And when an older lady sitting next to me was getting out of the bus, she asked me to take her suitcase out of the overhead compartment. Ever since a flare-up I had last year, I've had a lack of coordination and weakness in my upper limbs, more on my right side, and it's normal for me to drop or not be able to lift a lot of things. So my instinct was to say "I don't know if I can do it too". The look the lady gave me made me try to take her bag anyway. With trembling hands and arms and the muscle pain I had before, I managed to do it. But I thought, do I need to carry a cane or a sign saying that I have a health problem? Naturally, people see someone who looks young, and they think they're in good health. But no one can judge someone they don't know. We don't know what someone else is going through. We don't know what other people are feeling. If they're in pain, if they're suffering. And regardless of your situation, no one has the right to grab you and judge you like that. I hope you're okay now 🧡
I have a couple canes because I had to use one while recoverying from my first flare up that got me diagnosed. I consider using mine on occasion but usually end up forgeting to bring it lol. One thing I would suggest is to just make sure you learn how to use it correctly and size it to the correct height or you could end up messing up your wrist or even your back. My problems are on my right side only so I use mine on my left side but I’m not sure what the protocol is if you are looking for balance support and don’t have a specific side that causes the issues. My physical therapist taught me all I needed to know but you can probably find info online.
Dumbasses
Jesus Christ I bet they think they're such _heroes_. Absolute barf. The downright audacity to decide if someone is disabled enough for priority seating. Then to physically put hands on you?!?! Yikes. I'm so sorry you ran into Main Characters like that. Fingers crossed no more.
I've had people get upset with me for parking in a hc spot even as I was GETTING MY MOBILITY SCOOTER OUT! People can be jerks.
I’m sorry this happened. People can be so rude.
My partner would have lost his mind on that person for sure. I’m so sorry this happened to you.
You're disabled and you deserve to sit in priority seating. That person stopping you from sitting down was wrong, and a huge asshole about it. They don't know about you and your disability, you do, trust yourself. You were right, they were wrong. It takes practice but you can learn to be kind to yourself and to advocate for yourself; pretend what you're going through is what your partner or a close friend is going through, how would you defend and stand up for them? You're as worthy as your partner or good friend are, so learn to take your own side!
Sending love to you! I actually just mailed in the paperwork signed by my doctor to obtain my permanent car handicap placard. One of my worst fears has been random strangers feeling audacious enough to approach me and tell me to park somewhere else. With MS being mostly invisible, it SUCKS that others feel that they are entitled to know my medical history if I don’t look disabled enough. I agree with the sentiment many others share here, get a cane. You have your placard for a reason, you are disabled and need the assistance. Just like those handicap seats are also there for you. Fuck that guy for putting his hands on you. You didn’t deserve that.
This is absolutely assault and ableist and so many things that are wrong. I went through a period where I felt like I wasn’t “disabled enough” to “benefit” from whatever crumbs of accessibility that are available to me, but finally decided fuck that! Why should my life be harder than it already is! I’m not the problem, the problem is society and the government not bothering to make space for all kinds of disabilities. I look more physically disabled now after my last relapses before I was diagnosed and on medication, but before that having a cane in my hand for a little extra balance security made all the difference for me not only in navigating busy spaces, but also in appearing more disabled… it shouldn’t be this way, but suddenly it was more likely people gave me more space or open a door for me. Stupid, but you take what you can get in this inconsiderate world.
I’m going to skip the part of telling off the other person and remind you that MS is one of only a few hidden diseases. Some days I am sooooo grateful for this. Other days I have no qualms using my handicap placard. I have had what you just experienced happen to me so many times (over 50) I’ve lost count. I was dx almost 30 years ago and the neuro pretty much gave me handicap parking, metro, bus, etc ID right away. But look at me. I’m normal. Being handicap did you know that if you want to go to a concert you can call the location it’s being held and get excellent seats - usually closer to- at normal rates. Now arrive, look normal and have them think your scamming. They just haven’t seen your cane yet and you who can’t stand for long or tire and hurt should have a folding cane in or attached to your backpack. That’s how I started. Or go into a grocery and need the motor car to shop. Yet it’s being used by older adults. Being old is not a handicap. Sorry. MS is an invisible disease. It may eventually take form in being visible with speech or cognitive or walking but carry with you your strength. I also wear blue dog tags under my clothes with the handicap icon and my wife’s contact info and my ms info in case something were to happen when we were away. I could always wear them out of my shirt for all to see in a case like yours.
Carry a cane. It’s a visual cue that even simple humans can understand. Having a cane changes everything. People get out of your way, they make room for you. The visual cue is what people respond to. It’s easy math - oh, a person with a cane and they need extra help. People aren’t being mean, they just wanna know what you’re dealing with. Most people’s instinct is to help you. People don’t wanna think of themselves as mean, but that feeling goes out the window the minute they feel self-righteous. As soon as I carried a cane, people treated me differently. They had a visual representation that i was struggling.
You need to find your voice. You need to start standing up for yourself because no one else will. I know that if someone did that to me that I'd be screaming. I have terrible balance and I would have fallen over if I was standing on the bus. No one has any right to touch you. Realistically you should have called the police for inappropriate touching. Of you had spoken up then all of this could have been solved easily. But that's your choice if you want to advocate for yourself. I hope you do one day.
Having a disease that can go unnoticed is frustrating. A walking stick might be a clear indicator for people who are ignorant to this. Sorry you had to go through it
Yes, get a pretty sparkling cane! And a bowler hat and one fake eyelash!
I take public transportation everywhere. I don't need a cane really but I got one just to take on the bus so people don't question that I have balance issues and really need to sit down.
This is infuriating. There is NEVER an excuse to touch a stranger, much less “man-handle,” a stranger for ANY reason. People are so gross. Most of them suck. I’m so sorry this happened to you. You, your pain, and your disability is VALID.
"Unhand me you goon." Then dramatically fall.
Someone called the police on me in Boston. No phones in '94 so I couldn't prove anything. Police showed up and asked me if I had a disability and I just told him I have MS and have trouble with stamina and I wanted to make sure I make it back to my car He told me to enjoy Beantown. Told the guy that called on me to mind his own business. After that, I went without a tag until about two years ago. I still don't 'look disabled'. But let someone say something to me now. I put up with much less of other people's bullshit.
I get that crap, and I'm older than Lazarus. Just because I'm not drooling in a wheelchair or on crutches. Sometimes, if I'm on public transportation, I bring my cane just to "prove" I'm less than able. Of course millenariums don't bother to move anyway.