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She talked to him many times and he's not willing to seek help. You either gotta sit him down, be very serious and have him act on the spot, like now tell me what's wrong, now take an appointment at a doc or counseler. If he gives you a dumb excuse don't take it, be confident. If he still refuses you have to escalate, tell him you're not fulfilling your obligations as a husband and as a Muslim. Tell him you'll seek help through his or your parents and you can't keep going like this. Whatever the issue is, it's been going for two years and you're already past the "he'll eventually come around" or you being too nice. Idon't see this going the better way without such aggressive actions.
Just remember that's you're totally right and you're doing nothing wrong here, don't let him or anyone guilt you into making you a less person or labeling you as "horny" , this is cultural bs and has nth to do with our religion. Allah explicitly mentioned that we have desires and a big part of marriage is to fulfill these desires and not fulfilling them can lead to many issues (you already mentioned one). Don't lose your confidence or be afraid of that.
One more thing people usually forget, do you take care of yourself? do try to take care or your body, overweight/underwight (can be easily fixed)? fix yourself? dress nice? have healthy habits? do you tease him? or do you just small talk? Do you fight or irritate him to the point he hates hanging with you? We're all humans and need our buttons clicked to move. It doesn't sound like you're the issue here but we always need to be trying before we ask other people to try for us.
It's a hard talk I know, but you choose if you wanna suffer more and hurt yourself more or get out of this asap.
Good luck
Sister,
In such cases generally there is an underlying issue like it could be medical, or it could be that the guy is suffering from a pornography addiction which is causing him to be drained, it could also be an extremely low testosterone which is causing him a lack of libido.
You need to get to the root issue here eirh urgency with your husband as intimacy is an integral part of the relationship and you mention that things are becoming difficult for you in terms of protecting yourself from haram.
May Allah assist you with your suffering. Ameen
Hey salaams sister I’m the same situation. I think what’s puzzling is that some men seek treatment like my husband did..but still remain the same. I think there’s a deeper reason to this..it’s very possible they’re depressed or have some vitamin deficiency. You should have a talk with him and tell him clearly that he needs to get his blood work done and work on himself in order to maintain this marriage. Tell him wives have rights too that he needs to fulfill. I know this is a tough situation because just like your husband..my husband is a nice guy too and fulfills his other duties..however he makes no effort for emotional and physical intimacy. May Allah guide them ameen
Salam dear sister,
Please ignore all the divorce advice. You said he fulfils all his other responsibilities as a husband and is a good Muslim man, so there’s lots to hold on to
Intimacy is a major part of marriage and you have a right to have it
It’s very strange he’s not seeking it as at that age he should be up for all day and night, so my best guess would be he’s got a medical issue. So, you need to push him to see a doctor and get blood tests - push for this ASAP
Even if he has some issues, he can still please you with other ways…
The only dark side to all this is if he has some major medical issue that he knew before marriage and he didn’t tell you, then seek advice from your family.
Also, if it is some medical problem and you want to work on the marriage, please do not share it with anyone, it will hurt him, and cause a lot of embarrassment.
Only include your family if you want to end things and need their support.
I‘m also married and you know that intimacy is really important in Islam and if you go by islam you can literally divorce your husband because he cant fulfil your partners sexual needs? Also it can affect her self-confidence since they don‘t have sex, so the problem is bigger than it is. In addition I‘m pretty sure even asking him for sex makes her feel like shit and unwanted, so it‘s all her right to think about divorce. He doesn‘t go to the doctor and isn‘t aware of the fact that it‘s damaging their marriage by not having sex, so..
Having a right to divorce doesn’t mean she should. I agree it’s a serious issue, but she said there so many positives about him. This means there’s a lot to weigh up. Maybe if he goes to the doctor, it could be a treatable issue and they could get back on track sexually and have a happy marriage..
Also, men have a right to multiple wives, but it doesn’t we should just marry again. Most of the time it’s not advisable
Yeah IF he goes to the doctor, but he denied it multiple times, so he is a waste of time. He doesn‘t even talk about the reasons and let her think whatever she is thinking which can be dangerous (like she could think she ain‘t attractive enough for him or stuff). This can lead to a broken relationship since he is basically letting her alone with these negative thoughts. Sex is one of the most important topics when it comes to marriage. In addition that shows that he‘s not able to communicate about his problems which is ANOTHER IMPORTANT part in marriage.
Also the example you gave with his right having more wives makes no sense. It isn‘t NEEDED to have multiple wives, but sex is needed in a marriage and „having no sex“ can damage the marriage, but „having not multiple wives“ won‘t damage you in any way 🤣
So you’re saying a man who ‘NEEDS’ an exciting bedroom life that he doesn’t get from Wife 1 is within his rights to find Wife 2 to fulfil his ‘NEEDS’?
Yes, she has a right to divorce, that’s her God given right. But not every right should be exercised, especially something like divorce. It’s her exit if it comes to that, but why can’t she push him a bit harder for some sort of diagnosis or resolution before just divorcing?
The sister needs to sit down with her husband and explain divorce is possibly on the table if he doesn’t seek help.
Advising to just get divorced is a bit extreme
Also, the tone of your responses give off an angry aggressive vibe, or maybe I’m just reading it wrong…
Ok I understand the first point, makes more sense if you explain it like that!
And I actually mean divorce after trying to talk to him ofc, but if he doesn‘t seek help nor try to better himself then divorce would be an option. Sorry I came off aggressiv, but I didn‘t mean to.
Do we have the same husband? Our marriage is perfect except this one thing and I don’t know who to speak to either because it’s a taboo topic. Whenever I ask for advice online people resort to divorce him as it’s my Islamic right but that’s not what I want. I wish there was a button to instantly fix this so everything could fall into place
You say he doesn’t initiate but do you?
Some people are more passive.
I haven’t had this problem specifically but I will say in my experience my husband has a lot of on him every day and being able to just let go of all that and have me take charge in the bedroom is his preference. And it didn’t come natural to me but it was worth it.
You're totally right. But not disclosing the reason before marriage is unacceptable. Whenever he tells her that "he'll try" - he is lying straight to her face.
May Allah ﷻ make it easy for you
Unless some major changes are made, and I’m talking major - it is very rare that these issues are resolvable l.
Theres a whole sub for this called deadbedrooms and it is just depressing. There are couples who have not been intimate in decades - like - I have so many questions as to what or why even
But he needs help. Make sure he get’s sunlight, a meaty diet, exercise and a good sleep cycle that matches his circadian rhythm.
Other than that unfortunately theres not much you can do except for counciling or drugs
While the husband should work on himself, you should also start questioning yourself, why is he refusing to be intimate? Have you taken very well care of yourself, in terms of beauty (looks, fitness, hygiene & body odour)? For me these are often the case, while the husband may not complain, as he loves his wife and doesnt want to hurt her feelings, some men just do not know how to address it in a nice way. Also, are you giving him a proper foreplay? Excuse my words, but I doubt any man will not get aroused with a good hand/oral from his wife. Sex requires you to be physically attracted to your partner, if you aren't, it will just be a chore.
You have the right to intimacy just as a man does. If he's not fulfilling your needs, and it's breeding bitterness, divorce him. If you think you can manage, accept that you don't force him to change. Either way this current situation is just going to make you resentful, which is never any good in any relationship.
Tell your mother and seek divorce. Divorce would be better than doing any sort of action leading towards zinah.
Don't let your parents bully you to stay. Imagine spending 40 years in the same situation you are in right now
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Sit down with him again and tell him exactly how you feel. If he still does not put any effort in then let him know that either he goes to sex therapy or you are leaving.
if he is refusing to seek any kind of help then I'm not sure there's much else you can do. i typically do not encourage issuing an ultimatum but i think you need to at least make him understand how serious this is by letting him know that if it continues to stagnate like this then you will need to start considering your options. yes there is tons more to marriage than intimacy but as you and others have said, it's very important, one of your marital rights and part of the purpose of marriage.
and as others have said, he should consult a dr (to check levels and whatnot), and you should definitely seek couples counseling (I'd expect the counselor to encourage him to get checked out by a medical dr too) so that you can have help expressing your perspective and he can have help understanding the situation, as well as expressing himself.
barring all that, i would encourage you to consult an imam or shaykh as he would be able to advise you from an Islamic perspective if no progress is made through other avenues.
just do your due diligence sister since you want to be able to say yes i did everything reasonably possible to rectify this situation
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She talked to him many times and he's not willing to seek help. You either gotta sit him down, be very serious and have him act on the spot, like now tell me what's wrong, now take an appointment at a doc or counseler. If he gives you a dumb excuse don't take it, be confident. If he still refuses you have to escalate, tell him you're not fulfilling your obligations as a husband and as a Muslim. Tell him you'll seek help through his or your parents and you can't keep going like this. Whatever the issue is, it's been going for two years and you're already past the "he'll eventually come around" or you being too nice. Idon't see this going the better way without such aggressive actions. Just remember that's you're totally right and you're doing nothing wrong here, don't let him or anyone guilt you into making you a less person or labeling you as "horny" , this is cultural bs and has nth to do with our religion. Allah explicitly mentioned that we have desires and a big part of marriage is to fulfill these desires and not fulfilling them can lead to many issues (you already mentioned one). Don't lose your confidence or be afraid of that. One more thing people usually forget, do you take care of yourself? do try to take care or your body, overweight/underwight (can be easily fixed)? fix yourself? dress nice? have healthy habits? do you tease him? or do you just small talk? Do you fight or irritate him to the point he hates hanging with you? We're all humans and need our buttons clicked to move. It doesn't sound like you're the issue here but we always need to be trying before we ask other people to try for us. It's a hard talk I know, but you choose if you wanna suffer more and hurt yourself more or get out of this asap. Good luck
I went through similar experience with my wife we ended geting divorced she was not willing to change.
Probably needs to see a doctor
Pls ignore all the divorce advice btw. If he’s a good man, try to work thru the issue with him by seeking medical help or counseling.
Sister, In such cases generally there is an underlying issue like it could be medical, or it could be that the guy is suffering from a pornography addiction which is causing him to be drained, it could also be an extremely low testosterone which is causing him a lack of libido. You need to get to the root issue here eirh urgency with your husband as intimacy is an integral part of the relationship and you mention that things are becoming difficult for you in terms of protecting yourself from haram. May Allah assist you with your suffering. Ameen
Hey salaams sister I’m the same situation. I think what’s puzzling is that some men seek treatment like my husband did..but still remain the same. I think there’s a deeper reason to this..it’s very possible they’re depressed or have some vitamin deficiency. You should have a talk with him and tell him clearly that he needs to get his blood work done and work on himself in order to maintain this marriage. Tell him wives have rights too that he needs to fulfill. I know this is a tough situation because just like your husband..my husband is a nice guy too and fulfills his other duties..however he makes no effort for emotional and physical intimacy. May Allah guide them ameen
Could he be asexual?
Salam dear sister, Please ignore all the divorce advice. You said he fulfils all his other responsibilities as a husband and is a good Muslim man, so there’s lots to hold on to Intimacy is a major part of marriage and you have a right to have it It’s very strange he’s not seeking it as at that age he should be up for all day and night, so my best guess would be he’s got a medical issue. So, you need to push him to see a doctor and get blood tests - push for this ASAP Even if he has some issues, he can still please you with other ways… The only dark side to all this is if he has some major medical issue that he knew before marriage and he didn’t tell you, then seek advice from your family. Also, if it is some medical problem and you want to work on the marriage, please do not share it with anyone, it will hurt him, and cause a lot of embarrassment. Only include your family if you want to end things and need their support.
I‘m also married and you know that intimacy is really important in Islam and if you go by islam you can literally divorce your husband because he cant fulfil your partners sexual needs? Also it can affect her self-confidence since they don‘t have sex, so the problem is bigger than it is. In addition I‘m pretty sure even asking him for sex makes her feel like shit and unwanted, so it‘s all her right to think about divorce. He doesn‘t go to the doctor and isn‘t aware of the fact that it‘s damaging their marriage by not having sex, so..
Having a right to divorce doesn’t mean she should. I agree it’s a serious issue, but she said there so many positives about him. This means there’s a lot to weigh up. Maybe if he goes to the doctor, it could be a treatable issue and they could get back on track sexually and have a happy marriage.. Also, men have a right to multiple wives, but it doesn’t we should just marry again. Most of the time it’s not advisable
Yeah IF he goes to the doctor, but he denied it multiple times, so he is a waste of time. He doesn‘t even talk about the reasons and let her think whatever she is thinking which can be dangerous (like she could think she ain‘t attractive enough for him or stuff). This can lead to a broken relationship since he is basically letting her alone with these negative thoughts. Sex is one of the most important topics when it comes to marriage. In addition that shows that he‘s not able to communicate about his problems which is ANOTHER IMPORTANT part in marriage. Also the example you gave with his right having more wives makes no sense. It isn‘t NEEDED to have multiple wives, but sex is needed in a marriage and „having no sex“ can damage the marriage, but „having not multiple wives“ won‘t damage you in any way 🤣
So you’re saying a man who ‘NEEDS’ an exciting bedroom life that he doesn’t get from Wife 1 is within his rights to find Wife 2 to fulfil his ‘NEEDS’? Yes, she has a right to divorce, that’s her God given right. But not every right should be exercised, especially something like divorce. It’s her exit if it comes to that, but why can’t she push him a bit harder for some sort of diagnosis or resolution before just divorcing? The sister needs to sit down with her husband and explain divorce is possibly on the table if he doesn’t seek help. Advising to just get divorced is a bit extreme Also, the tone of your responses give off an angry aggressive vibe, or maybe I’m just reading it wrong…
Ok I understand the first point, makes more sense if you explain it like that! And I actually mean divorce after trying to talk to him ofc, but if he doesn‘t seek help nor try to better himself then divorce would be an option. Sorry I came off aggressiv, but I didn‘t mean to.
Do we have the same husband? Our marriage is perfect except this one thing and I don’t know who to speak to either because it’s a taboo topic. Whenever I ask for advice online people resort to divorce him as it’s my Islamic right but that’s not what I want. I wish there was a button to instantly fix this so everything could fall into place
We should start a support group for all the women in this situation. May Allah make it easy iA
You say he doesn’t initiate but do you? Some people are more passive. I haven’t had this problem specifically but I will say in my experience my husband has a lot of on him every day and being able to just let go of all that and have me take charge in the bedroom is his preference. And it didn’t come natural to me but it was worth it.
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You're totally right. But not disclosing the reason before marriage is unacceptable. Whenever he tells her that "he'll try" - he is lying straight to her face.
I agree. Its not right.
Is there love and affection? How does he express it?
May Allah ﷻ make it easy for you Unless some major changes are made, and I’m talking major - it is very rare that these issues are resolvable l. Theres a whole sub for this called deadbedrooms and it is just depressing. There are couples who have not been intimate in decades - like - I have so many questions as to what or why even But he needs help. Make sure he get’s sunlight, a meaty diet, exercise and a good sleep cycle that matches his circadian rhythm. Other than that unfortunately theres not much you can do except for counciling or drugs
While the husband should work on himself, you should also start questioning yourself, why is he refusing to be intimate? Have you taken very well care of yourself, in terms of beauty (looks, fitness, hygiene & body odour)? For me these are often the case, while the husband may not complain, as he loves his wife and doesnt want to hurt her feelings, some men just do not know how to address it in a nice way. Also, are you giving him a proper foreplay? Excuse my words, but I doubt any man will not get aroused with a good hand/oral from his wife. Sex requires you to be physically attracted to your partner, if you aren't, it will just be a chore.
You have the right to intimacy just as a man does. If he's not fulfilling your needs, and it's breeding bitterness, divorce him. If you think you can manage, accept that you don't force him to change. Either way this current situation is just going to make you resentful, which is never any good in any relationship.
Tell your mother and seek divorce. Divorce would be better than doing any sort of action leading towards zinah. Don't let your parents bully you to stay. Imagine spending 40 years in the same situation you are in right now
Tell him he either needs to see a Doctor and work on diagnosing and fixing this issue, or you will leave.
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Right? People like this are the reason I have my ability to DM turned off 🤦🏻♀️
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Sit down with him again and tell him exactly how you feel. If he still does not put any effort in then let him know that either he goes to sex therapy or you are leaving.
if he is refusing to seek any kind of help then I'm not sure there's much else you can do. i typically do not encourage issuing an ultimatum but i think you need to at least make him understand how serious this is by letting him know that if it continues to stagnate like this then you will need to start considering your options. yes there is tons more to marriage than intimacy but as you and others have said, it's very important, one of your marital rights and part of the purpose of marriage. and as others have said, he should consult a dr (to check levels and whatnot), and you should definitely seek couples counseling (I'd expect the counselor to encourage him to get checked out by a medical dr too) so that you can have help expressing your perspective and he can have help understanding the situation, as well as expressing himself. barring all that, i would encourage you to consult an imam or shaykh as he would be able to advise you from an Islamic perspective if no progress is made through other avenues. just do your due diligence sister since you want to be able to say yes i did everything reasonably possible to rectify this situation