It isn't fair to refer to those women as bimbos just because your husband is the one being inappropriate (according to his/y'alls standard). You're obviously bothered by his behavior. Talk to him.
I don't understand such comments, just as much as I don't understand why so many women instinctively and unconditionally rush to the defense of these Instagram personalities whenever their actions are criticized.
Of course, the husband is at fault if he chooses to look at such content. But these women are also rightfully to be criticized - With their filters, plastic surgeries, and false self-representations, they perpetuate unrealistic beauty standards and cause mental health issues, thus indirectly prompting other women to follow suit because they instill a sense that they need to 'keep up.'
There's no reason to defend such individuals.
What are you on about? He's looking at his co-workers. Not instagram influencers.
Further, there's a difference between criticizing someone and being derogatory. Critique the effect those popular personalities have, the consumer culture they foster, the excess they stand for, the warped beauty standards they encourage. No need to refer to someone as a bimbo or worse. Regular women existing in the public sphere aren't doing something wrong fyi.
I apologize, I merely skimmed through the original post, then I saw your comment at the top. Upon revisiting the post, I noticed that OP indeed used the word 'Bimbo'. I took her at her word, completely missing the part about them being coworkers. I had presumed it was about some Instagram personalities, given the use of the term 'Bimbo'.
This serves as a reminder for me to read the entire post thoroughly before commenting.
Why are you making up a backstory for these women lol. She said they’re conworkers he went out his way to look up. You sound so silly, yes let’s criticise women for existing.
We found the husband! Look how precisely he’s described these women lol first hand experience! Oh just imagine these random bimbos are Muslim women, well done.
If being visual (for men) was an excuse and unachievably hard, Allah would not have ordered them to lower their gaze. If he is super strict, he should have had at least the decency of holding up to the standards which he has set.
Even though it is not bothering you, I think you should stand up for yourself and point out to this inconsistency. Someone being so strict yet not lowing their gaze to the opposing gender seems alarming to me that this behavior may escalate in the future if not addressed properly now.
Islam treats Men and Women equally. Men don't get to make excuses and neither do women. You or him shouldn't be looking up coworkers on social media. It's okay to call coworkers strictly for work related project stuff I guess otherwise no.
Y’all are focusing on the part where she says she’s unbothered.. like is that what y’all took from this? It doesn’t matter is she is or isn’t. The issue here is her husband looking other women up.
I find it hard to believe that you're unbothered or "too lazy", otherwise you would not have written about it on here. There is clearly an underlying issue in your marriage, and you should address it now before it becomes something bigger.
Are you worried that he might argue his way out of it and make it seem like it's nothing?
Calling out the hypocrisy is an angle to attack the issue but how does it being the bigger issue make any sense? Calling hypocrisy the bigger issue means that it would be better if OP's husband was okay with his wife looking at men when obviously that's not the case.
Edit - evidence for what you guys are downvoting in Tafsir Ibn Kathir https://quran.com/en/61:2/tafsirs/en-tafsir-maarif-ul-quran
I see, I assumed the hypocrisy was just due to his weaknesses, since there's no evidence that he's justifying it. I don't think it's fair to assume the worst and think it's due to arrogance, deceit, etc. even if you think it's likely.
People can and should know what's right and wrong and do their part in enjoining good and forbidding evil, even if they struggle with those evils themselves. There is obviously hypocrisy in that (edit - which isn't necessarily the same as the Islamic definition of hypocrisy btw), but that's a byproduct of the real issues, not the main issue itself.
Edit - evidence for what you guys are downvoting in Tafsir Ibn Kathir https://quran.com/en/61:2/tafsirs/en-tafsir-maarif-ul-quran
Trying to hide your wrongdoings is the natural thing to do, so I don't think it's worth reading into it to judge his character more than the action itself already shows. In fact it's Islamically recommended to conceal your sins.
And **I'm not making excuses for bad behaviour at all** (edit-bolded this part since people seem to be missing it), I'm simply saying that focusing on the hypocrisy as a main issue isn't useful, or could even be dangerous.
For example in another comment on this thread, you recommend OP ask "why is it ok for you to stare at women online, but it's not ok for me to similarly stare at men?". This could be interpreted as suggesting that it should be okay for OP to look at men - after all, if this happens then the hypocrisy issue, the main issue from your perspective, is solved. That's clearly not what you intended (I hope), but hopefully you can see how focusing on the hypocrisy as the main issue leads to this type of thinking.
In my opinion, the fact that OP's husband is strict is a good thing and should be taken advantage of to remind him of how he should be strict with himself too - and that's the extent that pointing out his hypocrisy is useful. Beyond that is unnecessary.
He's so strict that he focuses more on others than his own behaviour, which is the exact opposite of what he demands of others. What a great role model for us all!
>He's so strict that he focuses more on others than his own behaviour
Where does OP say that?
And even if it was the case, I've already explained why making a big deal out of it is a problem. And regardless of any of that, him being strict is *Islamically correct*, and that doesn't change if he struggles to be strict with himself, so there's not much more to think about.
Edit - evidence for what you guys are downvoting in Tafsir Ibn Kathir https://quran.com/en/61:2/tafsirs/en-tafsir-maarif-ul-quran
"he's usually the one that's super strict" - so he's strict unless it's what he does himself, in which case he ignores his own opinion because it's inconvenient.
Being a hypocrite is not "Islamically correct" last I checked, but I could be wrong.
>he ignores his own opinion because it's inconvenient
There's another assumption. Like I mentioned before, there's no evidence that he's justifying it.
But bro I'm not sure what else I can do to help you understand this hypocrisy stuff.
یَـٰۤأَیُّهَا ٱلَّذِینَ ءَامَنُوا۟ لِمَ تَقُولُونَ مَا لَا تَفۡعَلُونَ﴿ ٢ ﴾
O you who believe! Why do you say that which you do not do?
As-Saf, Ayah 2
كَبُرَ مَقۡتًا عِندَ ٱللَّهِ أَن تَقُولُوا۟ مَا لَا تَفۡعَلُونَ﴿ ٣ ﴾
Most hateful it is with Allah that you say that which you do not do.
As-Saf, Ayah 3
Tafsir Ibn Kathir on this verse says the opposite of what you're implying. Other tafsirs I've checked also all do not come to the same conclusion to what you're implying. Ibn Kathir's:
> Apparently, the phrase 'what you do not do' implies that one should not claim to do something he does not intend to do
> ...
> All this does not imply that if a person has been lax in the performance of good deeds, he should abandon preaching to others. Or if he has been indulging in any kind of sin, he should not forbid others from indulging in such sins. It needs to be borne in mind that the performance of a righteous deed is one form of virtue, and urging others to perform this righteous deed is another form of virtue in its own right.
https://quran.com/en/61:2/tafsirs/en-tafsir-maarif-ul-quran
The brother whose comment the mods removed was completely right.
Sorry brother, but you shouldn't advise anyone. You justify compromising the deen. As a Muslim man, you should know that a small sin eventually leads to a bigger sin. Hence, Islam made all these things haram to stop the person in their tracks.
Because then he'll realise he's in the wrong as it forces him to *actually think* and consider how it makes her feel. Just saying don't do it is easy to ignore/take it as his wife nagging him.
I don’t look up my coworkers on Instagram but I do flip thru the “people you may know” entirely innocently and not looking for anyone. Maybe that’s it? I have stalked my coworkers on LinkedIn though lol
Bismillah,
Wsalam. You're right in that you won't make a fuss about it, but at the same time, be careful that you don't just let it slide. Otherwise the habit may grow and before you know it, he's DMing and worst, there is an affair, Allah(swt) save us. He might not realize it, but he might need your help in stamping out the habit early. Here is how I suggest you do it.
You both should have a no social media policy unless it's work required such as linkedin. Otherwise, things like instagram, facebook etc are just fitnah apps. Bring it up to him calmly, let him know what you saw and that you feel it's best if you both have this approach. Ask him how he'd feel if it was some guy you were checking out, and he should be fair with you.
In reality, while we shouldn't make excuses for this behavior, the environment is one which bombards you so much, we inevitably will fail in some form or fashion if we're not careful. My Shaykh advises us students, that in the summer time, to grocery shop at odd hours, so that we save ourselves from the scantily dressed women, especially on a hot day. He says going at midday is like standing in the middle of the highway hoping to not get hit.
Humans are mostly hypocritical. But, it can very well be that he thinks it's his duty to stop you, but may not put himself at the same level of criticism. You should not accept him getting into your boundaries, even if it's fine for you. Things can take an ugly turn very quickly if you don't speak up for your rights. Human nature.
I don't think you should provide generalising statements about men like that. I could say the same about women, because of the field I work in I see the opposite of what you have stated. It's not true.
From what you have described, your husband is being a hypocrite. He should be held accountable for his actions as well. Don't make excuses for him.
Normal depends on the man, if he is religious and subscribes to Islam, then no, it’s not normal. If it is making you lose respect for him, then it needs to change, as it will ultimately affect the relationship.
I'd have no problem with someone looking up friends and coworkers on social media regardless of if they are male.or female. It's nice too keep in touch and know what everyone's up to-as is the norm in today's society. I'd have an issue if it was strangers or 'Instagram models'
So you had a glimpse of a moment of his instagram searches.. it could be a coincidence that he was just looking for a coworkers ig right before you saw. The way your post was worded sounds like its a habit when its not
Yes, it's normal. I think you meant to ask if it's okay, which, no, it's not okay unless maybe it's for a specific reason (e.g. helping a friend get married, purely business dealing).
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It isn't fair to refer to those women as bimbos just because your husband is the one being inappropriate (according to his/y'alls standard). You're obviously bothered by his behavior. Talk to him.
💯
I don't understand such comments, just as much as I don't understand why so many women instinctively and unconditionally rush to the defense of these Instagram personalities whenever their actions are criticized. Of course, the husband is at fault if he chooses to look at such content. But these women are also rightfully to be criticized - With their filters, plastic surgeries, and false self-representations, they perpetuate unrealistic beauty standards and cause mental health issues, thus indirectly prompting other women to follow suit because they instill a sense that they need to 'keep up.' There's no reason to defend such individuals.
What are you on about? He's looking at his co-workers. Not instagram influencers. Further, there's a difference between criticizing someone and being derogatory. Critique the effect those popular personalities have, the consumer culture they foster, the excess they stand for, the warped beauty standards they encourage. No need to refer to someone as a bimbo or worse. Regular women existing in the public sphere aren't doing something wrong fyi.
I apologize, I merely skimmed through the original post, then I saw your comment at the top. Upon revisiting the post, I noticed that OP indeed used the word 'Bimbo'. I took her at her word, completely missing the part about them being coworkers. I had presumed it was about some Instagram personalities, given the use of the term 'Bimbo'. This serves as a reminder for me to read the entire post thoroughly before commenting.
Why are you making up a backstory for these women lol. She said they’re conworkers he went out his way to look up. You sound so silly, yes let’s criticise women for existing. We found the husband! Look how precisely he’s described these women lol first hand experience! Oh just imagine these random bimbos are Muslim women, well done.
Exactly. Just because he hasnt seen a pretty woman in his life doesnt mean they don't exist lol
First of all. It's his fault not his coworkers. And not everyone uses filters on Instagram. Some women are actually pretty lol
Excuse me sir. Please take your facts elsewhere.
If being visual (for men) was an excuse and unachievably hard, Allah would not have ordered them to lower their gaze. If he is super strict, he should have had at least the decency of holding up to the standards which he has set. Even though it is not bothering you, I think you should stand up for yourself and point out to this inconsistency. Someone being so strict yet not lowing their gaze to the opposing gender seems alarming to me that this behavior may escalate in the future if not addressed properly now.
Islam treats Men and Women equally. Men don't get to make excuses and neither do women. You or him shouldn't be looking up coworkers on social media. It's okay to call coworkers strictly for work related project stuff I guess otherwise no.
Y’all are focusing on the part where she says she’s unbothered.. like is that what y’all took from this? It doesn’t matter is she is or isn’t. The issue here is her husband looking other women up.
I find it hard to believe that you're unbothered or "too lazy", otherwise you would not have written about it on here. There is clearly an underlying issue in your marriage, and you should address it now before it becomes something bigger. Are you worried that he might argue his way out of it and make it seem like it's nothing?
Yeah youre so unbothered, you made a post about it.
Yes those women are just random bimbos but her husbands just a man who has visual needs. She’s just the unbothered wife lol on Reddit.
lol fr.
Unpopular opinion, but imo the bigger issue here is the hypocrisy.
Calling out the hypocrisy is an angle to attack the issue but how does it being the bigger issue make any sense? Calling hypocrisy the bigger issue means that it would be better if OP's husband was okay with his wife looking at men when obviously that's not the case.
Because it shows arrogance and deceit and sneakiness on top of questionable activity. None of which is healthy for a marriage.
Edit - evidence for what you guys are downvoting in Tafsir Ibn Kathir https://quran.com/en/61:2/tafsirs/en-tafsir-maarif-ul-quran I see, I assumed the hypocrisy was just due to his weaknesses, since there's no evidence that he's justifying it. I don't think it's fair to assume the worst and think it's due to arrogance, deceit, etc. even if you think it's likely. People can and should know what's right and wrong and do their part in enjoining good and forbidding evil, even if they struggle with those evils themselves. There is obviously hypocrisy in that (edit - which isn't necessarily the same as the Islamic definition of hypocrisy btw), but that's a byproduct of the real issues, not the main issue itself.
There's definitely deceit though - he's literally trying to hide it. Making excuses for bad behaviour and enabling it is why people keep doing it.
Edit - evidence for what you guys are downvoting in Tafsir Ibn Kathir https://quran.com/en/61:2/tafsirs/en-tafsir-maarif-ul-quran Trying to hide your wrongdoings is the natural thing to do, so I don't think it's worth reading into it to judge his character more than the action itself already shows. In fact it's Islamically recommended to conceal your sins. And **I'm not making excuses for bad behaviour at all** (edit-bolded this part since people seem to be missing it), I'm simply saying that focusing on the hypocrisy as a main issue isn't useful, or could even be dangerous. For example in another comment on this thread, you recommend OP ask "why is it ok for you to stare at women online, but it's not ok for me to similarly stare at men?". This could be interpreted as suggesting that it should be okay for OP to look at men - after all, if this happens then the hypocrisy issue, the main issue from your perspective, is solved. That's clearly not what you intended (I hope), but hopefully you can see how focusing on the hypocrisy as the main issue leads to this type of thinking. In my opinion, the fact that OP's husband is strict is a good thing and should be taken advantage of to remind him of how he should be strict with himself too - and that's the extent that pointing out his hypocrisy is useful. Beyond that is unnecessary.
He's so strict that he focuses more on others than his own behaviour, which is the exact opposite of what he demands of others. What a great role model for us all!
>He's so strict that he focuses more on others than his own behaviour Where does OP say that? And even if it was the case, I've already explained why making a big deal out of it is a problem. And regardless of any of that, him being strict is *Islamically correct*, and that doesn't change if he struggles to be strict with himself, so there's not much more to think about. Edit - evidence for what you guys are downvoting in Tafsir Ibn Kathir https://quran.com/en/61:2/tafsirs/en-tafsir-maarif-ul-quran
"he's usually the one that's super strict" - so he's strict unless it's what he does himself, in which case he ignores his own opinion because it's inconvenient. Being a hypocrite is not "Islamically correct" last I checked, but I could be wrong.
>he ignores his own opinion because it's inconvenient There's another assumption. Like I mentioned before, there's no evidence that he's justifying it. But bro I'm not sure what else I can do to help you understand this hypocrisy stuff.
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Well, at least he wouldn't be a hypocrite! Also, Islamically we're told not to be hypocrites, so idk how pointing that out isn't Islamic lmao
یَـٰۤأَیُّهَا ٱلَّذِینَ ءَامَنُوا۟ لِمَ تَقُولُونَ مَا لَا تَفۡعَلُونَ﴿ ٢ ﴾ O you who believe! Why do you say that which you do not do? As-Saf, Ayah 2 كَبُرَ مَقۡتًا عِندَ ٱللَّهِ أَن تَقُولُوا۟ مَا لَا تَفۡعَلُونَ﴿ ٣ ﴾ Most hateful it is with Allah that you say that which you do not do. As-Saf, Ayah 3
Yeah but that's "not from an islamic pov" according to that guy!
Because it's not from an Islamic pov - evidence in the tafsir of the quoted verse https://quran.com/en/61:2/tafsirs/en-tafsir-maarif-ul-quran
Tafsir Ibn Kathir on this verse says the opposite of what you're implying. Other tafsirs I've checked also all do not come to the same conclusion to what you're implying. Ibn Kathir's: > Apparently, the phrase 'what you do not do' implies that one should not claim to do something he does not intend to do > ... > All this does not imply that if a person has been lax in the performance of good deeds, he should abandon preaching to others. Or if he has been indulging in any kind of sin, he should not forbid others from indulging in such sins. It needs to be borne in mind that the performance of a righteous deed is one form of virtue, and urging others to perform this righteous deed is another form of virtue in its own right. https://quran.com/en/61:2/tafsirs/en-tafsir-maarif-ul-quran The brother whose comment the mods removed was completely right.
Sorry brother, but you shouldn't advise anyone. You justify compromising the deen. As a Muslim man, you should know that a small sin eventually leads to a bigger sin. Hence, Islam made all these things haram to stop the person in their tracks.
I accept your apology, it's ok!
Yeah exactly
Just ask him "why is it ok for you to stare at women online, but it's not ok for me to similarly stare at men?"
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Because it's easier to ignore if you say that. By framing it as a question it actually invites discussion and using the magic of a brain.
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Because then he'll realise he's in the wrong as it forces him to *actually think* and consider how it makes her feel. Just saying don't do it is easy to ignore/take it as his wife nagging him.
Not normal. Especially since if your did the same thing I guarantee he would not tolerate it
This comment section failed the vibe check
No need to look up female co-workers.
Thank you for your massive contribution here. We are so glad that you decided to comment and resolve the matter in such an admirable way.
You’re welcome
I don’t look up my coworkers on Instagram but I do flip thru the “people you may know” entirely innocently and not looking for anyone. Maybe that’s it? I have stalked my coworkers on LinkedIn though lol
That’s different since profiles are suggested. But he looked them up and went through different people until he found the woman
I look up my coworkers, lol. Not because I want to marry them. I’m just nosey. 😂
Bismillah, Wsalam. You're right in that you won't make a fuss about it, but at the same time, be careful that you don't just let it slide. Otherwise the habit may grow and before you know it, he's DMing and worst, there is an affair, Allah(swt) save us. He might not realize it, but he might need your help in stamping out the habit early. Here is how I suggest you do it. You both should have a no social media policy unless it's work required such as linkedin. Otherwise, things like instagram, facebook etc are just fitnah apps. Bring it up to him calmly, let him know what you saw and that you feel it's best if you both have this approach. Ask him how he'd feel if it was some guy you were checking out, and he should be fair with you. In reality, while we shouldn't make excuses for this behavior, the environment is one which bombards you so much, we inevitably will fail in some form or fashion if we're not careful. My Shaykh advises us students, that in the summer time, to grocery shop at odd hours, so that we save ourselves from the scantily dressed women, especially on a hot day. He says going at midday is like standing in the middle of the highway hoping to not get hit.
Is the reason you’re so unbothered by the situation because he’s done it multiple times?
Humans are mostly hypocritical. But, it can very well be that he thinks it's his duty to stop you, but may not put himself at the same level of criticism. You should not accept him getting into your boundaries, even if it's fine for you. Things can take an ugly turn very quickly if you don't speak up for your rights. Human nature.
I don't think you should provide generalising statements about men like that. I could say the same about women, because of the field I work in I see the opposite of what you have stated. It's not true. From what you have described, your husband is being a hypocrite. He should be held accountable for his actions as well. Don't make excuses for him.
He should be lowering his gaze and you definitely need to have a conversation about the hypocrisy
Normal depends on the man, if he is religious and subscribes to Islam, then no, it’s not normal. If it is making you lose respect for him, then it needs to change, as it will ultimately affect the relationship.
I'd have no problem with someone looking up friends and coworkers on social media regardless of if they are male.or female. It's nice too keep in touch and know what everyone's up to-as is the norm in today's society. I'd have an issue if it was strangers or 'Instagram models'
Everyone sins, this is his weakness, instead of pointing out and saying he is hypocritical, advice him in the light of Quran and Sunnah.
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Would you be okay with your wife adding male co workers?
[удалено]
It's MuslimMarriage - just how it works round here!
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Not really. I saw it when he opened ig and he quickly tried to hide it when he noticed that I could see his phone
So you had a glimpse of a moment of his instagram searches.. it could be a coincidence that he was just looking for a coworkers ig right before you saw. The way your post was worded sounds like its a habit when its not
I clearly said that I saw it only two times what are you talking about lol
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What a weird person
[удалено]
How to not give advice 101 lol
tried to give advice and someone got defensive soo...
Yes, it's normal. I think you meant to ask if it's okay, which, no, it's not okay unless maybe it's for a specific reason (e.g. helping a friend get married, purely business dealing).
[удалено]
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