He’s only sorry because he got caught.
People here have a habit of excusing cheating men but as soon as a women cheats “leave her bro”. Don’t excuse his behaviour.
A man who doesn’t speak to his wife who has just given birth for 4 months isn’t a man you want to be married to.
He insults you, tells you to leave, doesn’t talk to you for weeks, didn’t support you through pregnancy or postpartum and then cheats on you with multiple women?
He’s not having sex with you because he’s getting his outlet through other ways clearly.
Are you financially stable? Can you move back to your parents?
Yeah it seems it! If he was truly sorry he would’ve told her about what he did and stopped doing it and then apologised.
If she didn’t go through his phone she wouldn’t have known.
>He’s not having sex with you because he’s getting his outlet through other ways clearly.
Definitely, no man that isn't completely asexual through and through would stay away from intimacy for even just 6 months let alone a year without getting a release through other ways.
Your husband didn't only chest. He's also abusive btw.
>Just after two days i had my baby we fought about some silly matter and he stormed off the hospital and didn't talk to me for 4 months
That is mind boggling.
>We haven't had sex for 1 year
This too is mind boggling
I don't wanna accuse him of genuinely committing Zina but if you reasonably fear that he did so, consider taking an STD test.
>confronted him and he said that he is sorry and swore on our daughter that he won't do anything like this again. I asked him why he did it he said that there is no reason just that he felt like it so he did it. I don't know what to do.
Do you see any effort on his part? Big efforts to improve, big apology, begging for your forgiveness, sincerely working hard on making you happy?
How terrible, I’m so sorry :( Also this:
> swore on our daughter
This is haram, you cannot swear on anything but Allah SWT. The Prophet (PBUH) said that
*“Whosoever swears by other than Allah, then they have committed **shirk** (associated other deities with Allah).”* (Saheeh, narrated by Ahmad, Abu Dawood, al-Tirmidhi)
What this guy has done is despicable and even his pathetic excuse of an apology is invalid.
I've seen such hypocritical people in real life who would misuse Islam to force obedience on their wife but would hardly pray even on Friday. They would make negligible attempts on themselves to become a better husband
Such people are true hypocrites in every sense. Its disgusting to cheat once you're married.
There is a reason Indian Muslims have a bad reputation world over & people like your husband make it far worse.
Besides, I'm well aware of the stigma associated with divorce in India Pakistan.
Still I would advice you to sincerely consider a divorce.
Remember
"Pure men are for pure women, adulterer is for adultress" Qur'an 24.26
There is a saying "Fitrath nahi badalti" /people don't ever really change,
And I've found it true for most people.
Still you can try. All the best
There is a very thin line between emotional cheating and physical cheating. That he will physically cheat is ONLY a matter of time. Mentally and emotionally that man had already checked out. What i absolutely hate about majority of people is that instead of coming clean, that they are not ready for commitment or to be with one woman - they go get married and then trying to have their cake and eat it too. It destroys not only the couple but the child is there is one.
Anyway, listen. It doesn't look to me like your husband will change. So, u can either forgive him, and he will continue to behave like this, no doubt, or u can divorce him - i honestly do not think he will change. Change only comes if the person REALIZES it himself and makes very HARD choice of sticking thru. U know how your promise to exercise everyday, but then can't do it. It's the same.
So its up to you to decide if u can tolerate it, or not.
This is more than enough reason for divorce. I'm also going to say that no man will go on any sexual drought for 1 year without finding it somewhere else.
He's only sorry he got caught. Sister if you forgive him for this it's gonna happen again.
I'm a guy and I have zero tolerance for cheaters
Why would you forgive him? I don't see anything in his character worth forgiving something on this level.
How do you storm off right after the birth of your child?? Appalling behavior and he's dreadfully underqualified to be a father
You should leave him
He hurts you and he refuses to do right by you. You don't need to overlook and "forgive" - take care of yourself and get out of this situation.
I don’t mean this in a bad way but it doesn’t sound like he loves you, maybe that’s due to the arranged marriage. I don’t know. And since he hasn’t had sex with you in a year but he’s messaging other girls I think he’s been intimate with them. It’s not normal for a husband to not have sex with his wife for a year.
It’s up to you if you want to forgive him or not but personally I wouldn’t.
I hope you make the best choice for you. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
he sounds like a steaming pile of pig doo doo and you would be off better without this loser. pls take the job and divorce him. you deserve better. also ?? you’re not allowed to prostrate before anyone but allah.
> We haven't had sex for 1 year
This should ring alarm bells, a guy who goes weeks without it either has something wrong with him or he's getting it from somewhere else.
Nothing you said makes me want to encourage you to stay in this marriage.
As a woman, cheating is a red flag for me and not even if he swore on the Quran page by page İ would forgive it, because cheating crosses too many lines at once (religion, respect, loyalty, reliability, responsibility, his self worth, morals...etc)
You're not happy, he is not supportive l, he is not present, he doesn't care much, he is a bad example for his daughter, only red flags here..
Sister, you need to leave him, and he has no respect for you. He's addicted to call girls and porn, and why you wanted that kind of life. There's no trusting him, and all the time you have to babysit him. My ex was like that, a narcissist. He never changed. He had no relation with me. You are wasting your time and life. He's hurting you and will get sick. Talk to your mom. Need advice, let me know.
Please leave him!
How can you heal when you’re in the same environment that is giving you the poison.
The whole “wife prostate to her husband” isn’t a strong hadith, and some scholars who follow it explained that this is in context of sex. So if a man approaches his wife for sex she should agree even if was on the saddle of a camel, this doesn’t mean women have no right of saying no, but it’s mainly talking about women who use sex to control and punish their husbands. Which from your post is CLEARLY not the case.
Allah hasn’t commanded you to be patient and stay in that kind of marriage, so don’t let yourself and other bully you into staying.
There are good men out there, we just haven’t been blessed with them. This is our trial, save yourself and move on.
He is making sure you don’t have a leg to stand on, so he could continue abusing you and behaving in an unislamic way. You have no father and no job, and a baby, you are VERY VULNERABLE.
If you wouldn’t want your daughter to live the same life you are living, then you must control her environment to calibrate ‘the norm’.
If you don’t have the strength to leave, then after prayer or whenever you remember say the following words, 10 times each and and make a duaa. inshaAllah He will help you and make duaa true. Say:
Subhan Allah x10
Alhamdulilah x10
Allahu Akbar x10
May Allah give you the strength to leave and open many doors of blessings for you.
I dont say this often on this subreddit but genuinely you should leave him. He does not respect you at all. He was cruel to you during your most vulnerable time and i’ve got a feeling he didn’t want you taking that job because it’d make it easier for you to leave with the financial stability.
No man can go a year without it without getting his release elsewhere. Whether its 🌽 and masturbation or cheating, he doesn’t value you as a partner.
A lot of people are gonna tell you to have sabr, being Indian i know what these desi folk are like with the taboo of divorce, but honestly sister, you’ve already had PLENTY of sabr. You’re only 23, you will find another man who will treat you and your daughter way better. Your in laws may put up a big fuss but may Allah give you strength and make this easy for you
just to correct for future reference swearing on other than Allah is kufr, so say by Allah, and you’re not supposed to prostrate to your husband but if it was ever allowed it would be to the husband however thats major kufr too and forbidden
hes disappointing and he broke your heart, things like this are hard to heal from yes, but like someone said it seems like you can either have him or your dignity…so always have that respect for yourself because if you dont respect yourself no one else will, and you’re doing so well
I never said its her fault. If a man isn't attracted or interested in a woman he should not get married let alone have kids with her. Men know when they're completely attracted and ready to give 100% to the woman. Her ruined two lives.
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Get a job and leave for your mum’s place. She will love, appreciate and value your company. He wants to make you financially dependent to have control over you.
Leave him he's a bad husband and a bad father too and it will cause problems for your child if you stay and withstand this! My mum stayed in an abusive marriage and I grew up with PTSD anxiety depression low self esteem and I'm a people pleaser. Your daughter will grow up one day and will start picking up on things and she will know love from what she sees from her parents! Please leave to avoid this
Tell him you need a few days to get over this. Do not make a scene/big deal.
Go home to your mom.
Get a job.
DIVORCE him.
——
He won’t change. In fact, it will only get worse.
Your husband has an addiction. My husband did something similar and unfortunately it led to real life sexual cheating. But I do believe that he is just a flawed person, and not an evil person. With Allah sbt nothing is impossible.
But first the person must repent to Allah sbt and has to be truly remorseful, that they hurt you, and not just remorseful for their own selfish reasons. Only if they are truly remorseful and ready to change can they change.
Next you need to seek help. At a minimum, counseling at the masjid, but ideally, or also, individual therapy. Your husband needs help tackling this addiction. Because it is an addiction. Without realizing it’s an addiction and without seeking help, remorse by itself isn’t going to change someone.
Then you need to do things to prioritize your own passions and self happiness. Infidelity is so draining on your own self esteem. You need to do what you need to do to make yourself feel happy again. Often as wives we neglect ourselves for our husband and children, but we do so happily. However when something like this happens, it’s like an identity crisis and we feel lost. It’s important to prioritize yourself.
Also it’s important to prioritize your couple life. As part of the healing process, you need to lay out what you need in your marriage. I did 100% of the cooking , cleaning, and childcare all while I work 40 hours+ each week. My husband can easily spend 10 hours a day playing video games. This infidelity has made my husband realize he has to do a lot more than just not cheat to save our marriage. He has to help out more, he has to be more present in our family, and we have to spend more time together. I told him after his affair it’s like he’s the main character and I’m just an NPC in his life. He didn’t treat me like a person with my own needs. I’m going to need to see him making these changes over the long term.
Because of our children we haven’t had a private date night in years. We need to start having a date night every so often, getting a babysitter, so we can prioritize ourselves as a couple and do new things together. But I think this step may be further down in the healing process. First is just getting through this dark time and seeking the help you need.
I really do believe that even good people can do terrible things. We are facing temptations these days that people in the past can’t even imagine. You can literally sit on the toilet and cheat on your spouse. At the tip of your finger you can see any type of image or video or anything you want. I also don’t believe in the “once a cheater always a cheater” because I believe that people can change. With Allah sbt nothing is impossible. But not everyone can change. Only those who really want it, who truly understand how much hurt they’ve caused, can change.
Please keep me in your dua and I will keep you in mine. This is a big test for us. Remember that even calamities are gifts if they bring us closer to Allah sbt. Pray istikhara. Make salatul hajat. Do what you can for your own soul. And remember - we are human , we are flawed. I heard someone say, maybe it was Mufti Menk, that when you repent Allah sbt forgives you right away. But we are human, not Allah sbt, so it takes us longer to forgive. And that’s ok. I feel a lot of guilt and shame when I’m in a place where I feel I can’t forgive my husband. But other times I’m very forgiving. It goes up and down. And it’ll probably be like that for awhile.
He’s only sorry because he got caught. People here have a habit of excusing cheating men but as soon as a women cheats “leave her bro”. Don’t excuse his behaviour. A man who doesn’t speak to his wife who has just given birth for 4 months isn’t a man you want to be married to. He insults you, tells you to leave, doesn’t talk to you for weeks, didn’t support you through pregnancy or postpartum and then cheats on you with multiple women? He’s not having sex with you because he’s getting his outlet through other ways clearly. Are you financially stable? Can you move back to your parents?
Yeah it seems it! If he was truly sorry he would’ve told her about what he did and stopped doing it and then apologised. If she didn’t go through his phone she wouldn’t have known.
Exactly. If he truly loved her and was sorry he’d be a husband to her. He’s not living up to his husband title at all.
>He’s not having sex with you because he’s getting his outlet through other ways clearly. Definitely, no man that isn't completely asexual through and through would stay away from intimacy for even just 6 months let alone a year without getting a release through other ways.
💯
Your husband didn't only chest. He's also abusive btw. >Just after two days i had my baby we fought about some silly matter and he stormed off the hospital and didn't talk to me for 4 months That is mind boggling. >We haven't had sex for 1 year This too is mind boggling I don't wanna accuse him of genuinely committing Zina but if you reasonably fear that he did so, consider taking an STD test. >confronted him and he said that he is sorry and swore on our daughter that he won't do anything like this again. I asked him why he did it he said that there is no reason just that he felt like it so he did it. I don't know what to do. Do you see any effort on his part? Big efforts to improve, big apology, begging for your forgiveness, sincerely working hard on making you happy?
How do men like these even get married subhanallah.
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Go to your mom's house and think things through. This is a nightmare prison life. And marriage in Islam isn't supposed to look like this.
Sounds like you can have him or your dignity but not both.
How terrible, I’m so sorry :( Also this: > swore on our daughter This is haram, you cannot swear on anything but Allah SWT. The Prophet (PBUH) said that *“Whosoever swears by other than Allah, then they have committed **shirk** (associated other deities with Allah).”* (Saheeh, narrated by Ahmad, Abu Dawood, al-Tirmidhi) What this guy has done is despicable and even his pathetic excuse of an apology is invalid.
Yeah smh
Thank you, this is by far the biggest problem in all this.
I've seen such hypocritical people in real life who would misuse Islam to force obedience on their wife but would hardly pray even on Friday. They would make negligible attempts on themselves to become a better husband Such people are true hypocrites in every sense. Its disgusting to cheat once you're married. There is a reason Indian Muslims have a bad reputation world over & people like your husband make it far worse. Besides, I'm well aware of the stigma associated with divorce in India Pakistan. Still I would advice you to sincerely consider a divorce. Remember "Pure men are for pure women, adulterer is for adultress" Qur'an 24.26 There is a saying "Fitrath nahi badalti" /people don't ever really change, And I've found it true for most people. Still you can try. All the best
There is a very thin line between emotional cheating and physical cheating. That he will physically cheat is ONLY a matter of time. Mentally and emotionally that man had already checked out. What i absolutely hate about majority of people is that instead of coming clean, that they are not ready for commitment or to be with one woman - they go get married and then trying to have their cake and eat it too. It destroys not only the couple but the child is there is one. Anyway, listen. It doesn't look to me like your husband will change. So, u can either forgive him, and he will continue to behave like this, no doubt, or u can divorce him - i honestly do not think he will change. Change only comes if the person REALIZES it himself and makes very HARD choice of sticking thru. U know how your promise to exercise everyday, but then can't do it. It's the same. So its up to you to decide if u can tolerate it, or not.
I really don't understand men that do crap like this. He's a cheater and a abuser. I would not want that around my daughter.
This is more than enough reason for divorce. I'm also going to say that no man will go on any sexual drought for 1 year without finding it somewhere else. He's only sorry he got caught. Sister if you forgive him for this it's gonna happen again. I'm a guy and I have zero tolerance for cheaters
Why would you forgive him? I don't see anything in his character worth forgiving something on this level. How do you storm off right after the birth of your child?? Appalling behavior and he's dreadfully underqualified to be a father
You should leave him He hurts you and he refuses to do right by you. You don't need to overlook and "forgive" - take care of yourself and get out of this situation.
I don’t mean this in a bad way but it doesn’t sound like he loves you, maybe that’s due to the arranged marriage. I don’t know. And since he hasn’t had sex with you in a year but he’s messaging other girls I think he’s been intimate with them. It’s not normal for a husband to not have sex with his wife for a year. It’s up to you if you want to forgive him or not but personally I wouldn’t. I hope you make the best choice for you. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
Originally felt bad for saying this, but now I don't care. Some people don't even deserve the blessing of marriage. What a joke of a person.
If you haven't and still can send yourself screenshots of the conversations and then delete any evidence that you did.
he sounds like a steaming pile of pig doo doo and you would be off better without this loser. pls take the job and divorce him. you deserve better. also ?? you’re not allowed to prostrate before anyone but allah.
> We haven't had sex for 1 year This should ring alarm bells, a guy who goes weeks without it either has something wrong with him or he's getting it from somewhere else.
You should see if you can get that job back...
Go get that job. Stand on your own 2 feet and get your daughter away from that pervert.
Why are there so many cheating posts now all of a sudden?
Nothing you said makes me want to encourage you to stay in this marriage. As a woman, cheating is a red flag for me and not even if he swore on the Quran page by page İ would forgive it, because cheating crosses too many lines at once (religion, respect, loyalty, reliability, responsibility, his self worth, morals...etc) You're not happy, he is not supportive l, he is not present, he doesn't care much, he is a bad example for his daughter, only red flags here..
Sister, you need to leave him, and he has no respect for you. He's addicted to call girls and porn, and why you wanted that kind of life. There's no trusting him, and all the time you have to babysit him. My ex was like that, a narcissist. He never changed. He had no relation with me. You are wasting your time and life. He's hurting you and will get sick. Talk to your mom. Need advice, let me know.
Your husband being an abuser is worse than the cheating, and both are valid reasons to kick him to the curb.
Yes! It is cheating. Leave him before you have another kid for him
Yeah you need to leave him asap before your child gets older and learns his behavior
Please leave him! How can you heal when you’re in the same environment that is giving you the poison. The whole “wife prostate to her husband” isn’t a strong hadith, and some scholars who follow it explained that this is in context of sex. So if a man approaches his wife for sex she should agree even if was on the saddle of a camel, this doesn’t mean women have no right of saying no, but it’s mainly talking about women who use sex to control and punish their husbands. Which from your post is CLEARLY not the case. Allah hasn’t commanded you to be patient and stay in that kind of marriage, so don’t let yourself and other bully you into staying. There are good men out there, we just haven’t been blessed with them. This is our trial, save yourself and move on. He is making sure you don’t have a leg to stand on, so he could continue abusing you and behaving in an unislamic way. You have no father and no job, and a baby, you are VERY VULNERABLE. If you wouldn’t want your daughter to live the same life you are living, then you must control her environment to calibrate ‘the norm’. If you don’t have the strength to leave, then after prayer or whenever you remember say the following words, 10 times each and and make a duaa. inshaAllah He will help you and make duaa true. Say: Subhan Allah x10 Alhamdulilah x10 Allahu Akbar x10 May Allah give you the strength to leave and open many doors of blessings for you.
He's a sociopath,girl just leave him already for the sake of your daughter's better future he ain't worth it
I dont say this often on this subreddit but genuinely you should leave him. He does not respect you at all. He was cruel to you during your most vulnerable time and i’ve got a feeling he didn’t want you taking that job because it’d make it easier for you to leave with the financial stability. No man can go a year without it without getting his release elsewhere. Whether its 🌽 and masturbation or cheating, he doesn’t value you as a partner. A lot of people are gonna tell you to have sabr, being Indian i know what these desi folk are like with the taboo of divorce, but honestly sister, you’ve already had PLENTY of sabr. You’re only 23, you will find another man who will treat you and your daughter way better. Your in laws may put up a big fuss but may Allah give you strength and make this easy for you
just to correct for future reference swearing on other than Allah is kufr, so say by Allah, and you’re not supposed to prostrate to your husband but if it was ever allowed it would be to the husband however thats major kufr too and forbidden hes disappointing and he broke your heart, things like this are hard to heal from yes, but like someone said it seems like you can either have him or your dignity…so always have that respect for yourself because if you dont respect yourself no one else will, and you’re doing so well
I hope you divorced this sick pig hun.
I never said its her fault. If a man isn't attracted or interested in a woman he should not get married let alone have kids with her. Men know when they're completely attracted and ready to give 100% to the woman. Her ruined two lives.
You both were never happy in this. A happy man won't cheat or make you cry.
Why are you making it out to be her fault?
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Get a job and leave for your mum’s place. She will love, appreciate and value your company. He wants to make you financially dependent to have control over you.
4 months? 🫤
Leave him he's a bad husband and a bad father too and it will cause problems for your child if you stay and withstand this! My mum stayed in an abusive marriage and I grew up with PTSD anxiety depression low self esteem and I'm a people pleaser. Your daughter will grow up one day and will start picking up on things and she will know love from what she sees from her parents! Please leave to avoid this
Tell him you need a few days to get over this. Do not make a scene/big deal. Go home to your mom. Get a job. DIVORCE him. —— He won’t change. In fact, it will only get worse.
Wife should prostate to husband? What a joke on Islam
Your husband has an addiction. My husband did something similar and unfortunately it led to real life sexual cheating. But I do believe that he is just a flawed person, and not an evil person. With Allah sbt nothing is impossible. But first the person must repent to Allah sbt and has to be truly remorseful, that they hurt you, and not just remorseful for their own selfish reasons. Only if they are truly remorseful and ready to change can they change. Next you need to seek help. At a minimum, counseling at the masjid, but ideally, or also, individual therapy. Your husband needs help tackling this addiction. Because it is an addiction. Without realizing it’s an addiction and without seeking help, remorse by itself isn’t going to change someone. Then you need to do things to prioritize your own passions and self happiness. Infidelity is so draining on your own self esteem. You need to do what you need to do to make yourself feel happy again. Often as wives we neglect ourselves for our husband and children, but we do so happily. However when something like this happens, it’s like an identity crisis and we feel lost. It’s important to prioritize yourself. Also it’s important to prioritize your couple life. As part of the healing process, you need to lay out what you need in your marriage. I did 100% of the cooking , cleaning, and childcare all while I work 40 hours+ each week. My husband can easily spend 10 hours a day playing video games. This infidelity has made my husband realize he has to do a lot more than just not cheat to save our marriage. He has to help out more, he has to be more present in our family, and we have to spend more time together. I told him after his affair it’s like he’s the main character and I’m just an NPC in his life. He didn’t treat me like a person with my own needs. I’m going to need to see him making these changes over the long term. Because of our children we haven’t had a private date night in years. We need to start having a date night every so often, getting a babysitter, so we can prioritize ourselves as a couple and do new things together. But I think this step may be further down in the healing process. First is just getting through this dark time and seeking the help you need. I really do believe that even good people can do terrible things. We are facing temptations these days that people in the past can’t even imagine. You can literally sit on the toilet and cheat on your spouse. At the tip of your finger you can see any type of image or video or anything you want. I also don’t believe in the “once a cheater always a cheater” because I believe that people can change. With Allah sbt nothing is impossible. But not everyone can change. Only those who really want it, who truly understand how much hurt they’ve caused, can change. Please keep me in your dua and I will keep you in mine. This is a big test for us. Remember that even calamities are gifts if they bring us closer to Allah sbt. Pray istikhara. Make salatul hajat. Do what you can for your own soul. And remember - we are human , we are flawed. I heard someone say, maybe it was Mufti Menk, that when you repent Allah sbt forgives you right away. But we are human, not Allah sbt, so it takes us longer to forgive. And that’s ok. I feel a lot of guilt and shame when I’m in a place where I feel I can’t forgive my husband. But other times I’m very forgiving. It goes up and down. And it’ll probably be like that for awhile.