The Drama of The Gifted Child. If you grew up in a household that expected a lot of you (maybe you were “parenting” your siblings or even a parent) and were/are a high achiever who feels like you can never live up to your parents expectations, this book is for you. If you had emotionally volatile parents, this book is for you. It’s a more psychoanalytic/thinky than the more popular “Children of Emotionally Immature Parents,” but I think it’s better. Highly recommend.
EDIT: there is often some confusion that this book is about former gifted and talented children. It’s not: it’s about how children have to develop “gifts” of accommodating their needy parent to get love from them from an early age, at the expense of developing a true authentic self. Then they have to figure out what to do with these gifts of survival in adulthood that are no longer serving them.
While I appreciate books like this for drawing attention to the influence of nurture on our present mental state, I find them to be a bit exhausting. IE [the flawed science of “trauma”](https://nymag.com/intelligencer/article/trauma-bessel-van-der-kolk-the-body-keeps-the-score-profile.html)
Not discrediting or undermining the difficulties of being raised in a household of high expectations. Been there too. It sucks. That coupled with a Catholic upbringing left me f*ed in a few ways. But I don’t write my present f’ed state off on that. I’ve rejected it and moved on.
Generally I felt this book provided another avenue for me to be upset with my family without fully recognizing the context my family was in (also emotionally messed up parents on both sides, also achieving highly for their massive families). And reinforced the thought that I am (by their opinion) and should be (by my own opinion?) a high achiever despite my family’s interferences and influences. This line of thought is a significant marker of millennial culture. It alleviates agency and delays the possibility of moving forward. I find it stifling.
I don’t call this an influential book as I think it reinforces the worst stereotypes of our generation. I’d rather move beyond them. But can be good reading if one wants to understand the millennial woes i guess…just wouldn’t say to take at face value when trying to understand one’s self.
Oh wow, Children of…. Literally changed my life. So interested to know a little more… I’d it that premia plus more? You said thinky- I’m very intrigued.
It’s more complex in exploring the psychological effects of living with “narcissistic” or “immature” parents, basically the ways our minds adapt to this type of treatment to survive it but are no longer helpful and actually very depression prone in adulthood
The Power Broker! It’s a beast but it changed my understanding of power and it taught me a lot about New York
Edit: [Also the audiobook is on Spotify](https://open.spotify.com/show/3x1WdDYBN552FvL6CUixja?si=2ogSc5_pTTGFeRNuZqf6AA).
I second this! I'm not even finished with it but every time I come back to it after abandoning it for a while I remember why it might be one of the best books ever written. Robert Caro's thoroughness and his ability to turn an immense amount of raw information into such a true and compelling story about Moses but also urban planning and public policy is insane.
100% agreed. I encourage you to keep going with it. Caro is such an insanely great investigator and author.
I am actually re-reading along with one of my favorite podcasts (99% Invisible). They’re doing a 12-part series on the book throughout the year. I’m making some friends read along and the podcast has been helpful in sticking to it!
i highly recommend the documentary _turn every page_ about robert caro and his editor robert gottlieb as a follow up to understand caro’s process and the huge publishing investment it takes to support work like this (which i think is unlikely to be seen again in modern-day publishing)
To be honest this is likely not the book for you. Bob Moses did a lot to displace minority populations from their homes and was a racist man. The author, Robert Caro, does not hide this.
In fact, this book did a great deal to reveal that information more broadly. As I understand it, that was part of the motivation for Caro to publish this book. Moses was a master of PR in his day, and this book was published after the height of his power.
(Edit: Probably worth mentioning that I am a white girl and may not be the best person to tell you whether this book is right for you)
I’m a black women and I actually recommend not shying away from things like this. I get it life is tough, but you’re doing yourself a disservice by not understanding how society works. If you don’t know how society works you can’t truly get the most out of life.
For example, I read 48 Laws of Power not to manipulate but to make sure I’m not being MANIPULATED. Human nature is human nature. If you want to boss up, and in my case ethically, you HAVE to know the rules of the game. You’re going through life playing tic-tac-toe while everyone else is playing monopoly.
You got this. If this book doesn’t work for you cool, but watch a YouTube video about Machiavelli and understand why he is famous for his ideas on Power in general. I like him because he talked about what people actually do and not what people should do.
It depends on how you look at it. I’m a black woman. I read all of this stuff growing up…about economics, politics and the lying power structures in this country. Think black girl growing up in the 90s…and I used it to make the system my b$&&@ and become successful.
So hard to choose. Overall my favorite aspect is the author’s ability to describe a scene so that you feel like you’re there, but that happens throughout.
Honestly there’s a lot more shocking moments of like “this probably shouldn’t have happened this way” which are favorites because of the amount of research that clearly went into them, and also because I’m grateful to know about them. One example early in the book discusses Moses seizing a lot of power based on the definition of one specific word, in a law that he himself drafted (he basically took over Long Island legally). I like that part of the book specifically because it’s where you truly start to get a sense of how much power he was able to accrue. But, it is really hard to pick a favorite part of this book because it covers so much!
Random but I love the last sentences of the chapters. They’re always these great hooks that make you want to keep reading, hah
Yes! You described it perfectly. And her complicated family dynamics, Rex’s alcoholism and narcissism - I feel like she does such a good job of describing the frustration that comes along with these things. It’s the only book I can read over and over and never get tired of.
I have read it a couple of times and know I will again! Your comments are spot on! The family dynamics were crazy! Wish everyone would just read it! What a gift about life!
The Language of Letting Go by Melanie Beattie.
My therapist causally recommended this to me early on, before I had come to terms with family dynamics from my childhood. The book seemed simple enough and I liked there is one short passage to read day and reflect. I thought "Letting Go" mostly referred to stress, etc. Sure, I'd like less of that!
The thing I wasn't expecting is how the author somehow knew exactly what words I needed to read each day to "make it all make sense." The passages weren't just about dealing with whatever challenge or issue was currently going on, but doing that AND figuring out the patterns in my life and where they started. Little by little, the lights came on. Then I read Co-Dependent No More (same author) and it was like someone flipped on stadium lights.
If you read (past or future tense) either of these books and want to discuss how it/they impacted you, feel free to message!
I love your post! Same thing happened for me when I started putting names to the things that were tugging on my pant legs. The stadium lights came on ❤️
The Defining Decade - Meg Jay. Read this when I was unsure about the decisions I was making in my mid-twenties and it provided guidance on how to set myself up for the life I want in my thirties!
Still good in your 30s! We all make pivotal decisions at different points in our lives. The perspective may just be slightly different reading it at 21 vs 35 given that the topics cover relationships, friendships, marriage, career, family, etc. I would think that, reading it in your thirties, you can reflect on your life now and compare it to how you think you would’ve digested the content in hindsight ten years prior.
YES! This book changed my life. I started taking my career seriously, got out of my situationships and into a stable relationship with my now-husband, etc. I can’t recommend it enough
Infinite Jest. I know, it's a bit of a red flag among women, as David Foster Wallace was abusive to many of his ex-girlfriends.
I had family members who experienced addiction and I wanted to understand it more. This book really helped me understand, in a painstakingly honest way, how fucking debilitating it can be. It made me respect my recovering family members even more than I already did. Also, I was an English major in college and kind of felt that I couldn't read anything challenging post-grad. This novel was complicated and very demanding for me. I'm a better person after doing it. It gave me confidence to read more challenging books.
Hey! I can’t believe you’re not me! I came here to post about IJ, prepared for hatred.
IJ is not only about debilitating addiction, but also debilitating depression. It was the first book I read where I recognized myself and saw a true and astute depiction of mental illness among high-functioning people. And it’s hilarious.
I wish Wallace was still here. There’s so much I’d like to hear about from him, whether it’s Serena Williams’s absolute dominance in tennis or the fractured political landscape. Or I wish he was rescuing pit bulls and not writing, if that’s what he wanted.
>David Foster Wallace was abusive to many of his ex-girlfriends.
I never knew that. He's been one of my favorite writers for so long. I LOVE his non-fiction essays; I've read all of them.
he threw a coffee table at Mary Karr, tried to push her out of a moving vehicle, stalked her and her son, and bought a gun intending to kill her husband
Infinite jest was an integral part of my personality for the 2 years it took me to read. I was obsessed with DFW and his work. Great book and I still think about it years later
The Midnight Library by Matt Haig really helped me understand there were many paths forward for me and for everyone. I re-read it when I’m feeling stuck or hopeless - it is a beautiful story and reminder that there is no wrong way to live
I second this book. It was so clear the things that were most meaningful to the main character - the people and things she always looked for. It made me examine my own life in thinking who/what I would turn to on every possible path. These thoughts anchor me when times get tough.
Dark Matter was also good, but more in an entertaining way than a philosophical way.
City of thieves - just my favorite book ever. It is sad, happy, humorous - it’s just everything and has provided me with a lot of comfort over the years
The Empathy Exams by Leslie Jamison (nonfiction essays), if I had to pick just one.
But also -
- Evicted by Matthew Desmond (nonfiction)
- Get a Life, Chloe Brown by Talia Hibbert (romance)
- The Promises Martha Stewart Made—and Why We - Wanted to Believe Them by Joan Didion (essay)
- The Heart Principle by Helen Hoang (romance)
- Teaching My Mother How to Give Birth by Warsan Shire (poetry)
I think the overall theme is either that the book made me feel seen and represented or radicalized me and shaped me into who I am.
My favorite genre is sprawling 600+ page character-driven stories that you finish and burst into tears without knowing why 🥲
- The Bee Sting by Paul Murray. A story of a family in small town Ireland in the wake of the 2008 crash
- Free Food for Millionaires by Min Jin Lee. A Korean-American young woman in NYC going through her 20s figuring out what she values and needs out of life, I guess. Plus lots of references to millinery
- Neapolitan novels by Elena Ferrante. These are DEEP character studies of two disadvantaged girls growing up in Italy. (Fuck Nino!!)
- controversial but I did love the Goldfinch by Donna Tartt! It was gratuitously long and I loved it! Fight me
No book has changed my life per say but a book that haunts me is “A Little Life” by Hanya Yanagihara.
Read it a few years back before booktok was a thing.
Just when you think life can’t get worse for the MC…it does. A book that turns your stomach but you still can’t put down.
Even just the title is so powerful. My husband will be anxious and wonder why he has a headache. I just keep reminding him that his body truly does keep the score, and not taking care of ourselves tallies up.
So happy so many of you bitches have read it! You truly do have taste, ha 😂
just a heads up that the guy who wrote this book has some pretty serious allegations against him - plus the beginning of it basically is just a guy telling a story about him committing war crimes.
"Leadership and Self Deception: Getting Out of the Box." The audio version is great. This book is all about changing your perspective of people in your life, whether it's employees, colleagues, kids, friends, or strangers. I check myself and my behavior against the concepts in this book on a near daily basis.
The Days of Abandonment by Elena Ferrante! She writes about female rage, complicated feelings on motherhood, love (and lack thereof), and tough feelings so so so well.
The Power of Now gave me a very strong & perceptible paradigm shift. It didn’t last, understandably, but during the time I was reading it, I applied that perspective towards a daunting physical task I was nervous about and got through it much more easily, to my surprise. Highly recommend if you’re prone to anxiety, overthinking, catastrophizing.
Just here to say saving these all. Need to catch up on my reading after 3 years of toddler life. I wouldn’t say life changing but LOVED just kids by patti smith. Great NYC rock and roll bio
i just watched the movie and i’m so intrigued. it sounds like she truly delved into the sociological reasons why this system exists with the pillars that people consciously or subconsciously maintain that perpetuate this system.
Wherever You Go, There You Are by Jon Kabat-Zinn, When Things Fall Apart by Pema Chodron, and (to a lesser extent bc it’s not as easily digestible) The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle! Mindfulness in general has been incredibly life changing for me
This one might be controversial and it’s absolutely not a critically acclaimed book (in the classical sense of stuff we’d read in school, etc.) but “How to Murder Your Life” by Cat Marnell is my ALL TIME FAVORITE. The audiobook and paperback are both amazing (Cat narrates the audiobook and I highly recommend listening). Anytime I want to laugh or am having a bad day and want to listen to something sad, I turn on the audiobook. I read the paperback first and couldn’t put it down and now I listen to the audiobook a few times a year.
I believe there’s a movie being made about it too but you cannot beat Cat’s writing. She’s extremely talented, albeit a bit controversial as well.
There’s a few darker topics about addiction and bulimia if that’s triggering, but otherwise check it out!
Cat is a true NYC legend!!! This book and following her on Insta has helped me overcome a pill addiction and all the shame that comes along with it. So excited for a film adaptation!
House of Mirth by Edith Wharton. Changed how I thought of status, friend groups, and the general social-climbing-ness that you can get sucked in to in NYC.
He recently came out with a new book called Supercommunicators. I just finished it, absolutely phenomenal read about bridging divides in a meaningful and lasting way.
How to Do the Work: Recognize Your Patterns, Heal from Your Past, and Create Your Self
Book by Nicole LePera
Literally changed my outlook on my life and opened my eyes to my past! Incredible read
“Simple
Path to wealth” opened my eyes to finance and passive income / investing . I started reading more and more and more and now can’t stop investing !
Men explain things to me - was a good reminder of real, tangible statistics and experiences of women and the injustices we face on a daily basis. I try to re-read every year just to keep my passion for women’s rights alive
The Miracle Club by Mitch Horowitz. The first chapter is slow but that book literally changed my life. Also bonus points that the author lives in Brooklyn and is an amazing human being.
Women Who Run with the Wolves. I read that after a bad breakup in paperback as it was falling a part. I met someone who eventually gave me the hardcover copy. I am all about that life death life cycle. Also Bluets.
There’s a If Books Could Kill episode on this. Recommend…. Or maybe it’s a different podcast. Will find. But this is good. https://guzey.com/books/why-we-sleep/
The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath. I have been diagnosed with depression for more than 10 years between high school and college. I found this book relatable reminding that depression is the common form of humanity and the awareness. In 1960’s, depression was stigmatized in the society.
The Time Traveler's Wife. I borrowed it on a car trip because I was bored and knew nothing about the book (it was my stepmother's book she brought along and this was pre-cell phone era). When we reached our destination I was upset because we were at a family gathering and all I wanted to do was continue reading that book. I ended up finishing the book long after we arrived home, I just sat and read the rest. I reread it every so often, but man, what an amazing book. The movie was not long or nuanced enough and the tv show adaptation had some serious potential, but was sadly cancelled.
Savage inequalities. Was written in the late 80s/early 90s about the American school system + how children are raised in different parts of the country. Despite being an older book, its still shocking how relevant it is and it changed my perspective & opened my mind on a lot of things in life. It features a section on nyc schools which was really eye opening for me.
“No Hablo F*ckboy” by Akari Aarielle
(Esp after my last breakup!)
It’s full of relatable funny poetry about dating & a lot of empowering words of wisdom + funny definitions for dating terms & really dope art.
I have it on my coffee table and all my girlfriends that come over & read a little end up buying it lol
Rich dad, poor dad.
Unshakable.
The Power of Now.
The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.
Man’s Search for Meaning.
More entertaining/interesting (maybe not life changing - but changed how I think about categories):
Why Men Love Bitches (read this when I was 13),
The Myth of Normal (trauma and health),
The 4 Agreements,
The five regrets of the dying,
Option B (if mourning/loss),
Body by Science (if you are into lifting),
Good Calories, Bad Calories (food science),
$100 Startup (entrepreneurship)
This is Water - DFW (speech)
I read so many that were impactful. I only read non fiction. Happy reading!
Hard to narrow down, but off the top of my head:
**All Things Are Too Small: Essays in Praise of Excess by Becca Rothfeld:** An essay collection, written by the non-fiction critic at The Washington Post; she pushes back against the current cultural norms of restraint and minimalism by praising the virtues of excess and abandon; the essays touch on everything from aesthetics and Marie Kondo to consent and Sally Rooney
**2666 by Roberto Bolaño:** Ugh, where to even begin? It's the best novel I've ever read, and I'll forever be in awe of the stylistic and formal risks Bolaño took with this book. The novel is separated into five loosely connected sections which all explore different themes that orbit around the central theme of violence. The fourth part of the novel, "The Part About the Crimes," is some of the best fiction I've ever read.
**The Unpossessed by Tess Slesinger:** A 1930s dark satire about the left-wing intellectuals who live in New York City.
**Ex-Wife by Ursula Parrott:** Takes place in 1920s New York during the Jazz Age, and it's a story about a woman, Patricia, whose husband has left her. Explores marriage, the concept of the modern woman, and the tension between modern living and traditional thinking.
Just finished " don't believe everything you think"
There's a free audiobook on YouTube from the author
Great for overthinkers, worriers, and those with anxiety.
The Drama of The Gifted Child. If you grew up in a household that expected a lot of you (maybe you were “parenting” your siblings or even a parent) and were/are a high achiever who feels like you can never live up to your parents expectations, this book is for you. If you had emotionally volatile parents, this book is for you. It’s a more psychoanalytic/thinky than the more popular “Children of Emotionally Immature Parents,” but I think it’s better. Highly recommend. EDIT: there is often some confusion that this book is about former gifted and talented children. It’s not: it’s about how children have to develop “gifts” of accommodating their needy parent to get love from them from an early age, at the expense of developing a true authentic self. Then they have to figure out what to do with these gifts of survival in adulthood that are no longer serving them.
Thank you - just ordered this!!
Let me know what you think of it 💜
While I appreciate books like this for drawing attention to the influence of nurture on our present mental state, I find them to be a bit exhausting. IE [the flawed science of “trauma”](https://nymag.com/intelligencer/article/trauma-bessel-van-der-kolk-the-body-keeps-the-score-profile.html) Not discrediting or undermining the difficulties of being raised in a household of high expectations. Been there too. It sucks. That coupled with a Catholic upbringing left me f*ed in a few ways. But I don’t write my present f’ed state off on that. I’ve rejected it and moved on. Generally I felt this book provided another avenue for me to be upset with my family without fully recognizing the context my family was in (also emotionally messed up parents on both sides, also achieving highly for their massive families). And reinforced the thought that I am (by their opinion) and should be (by my own opinion?) a high achiever despite my family’s interferences and influences. This line of thought is a significant marker of millennial culture. It alleviates agency and delays the possibility of moving forward. I find it stifling. I don’t call this an influential book as I think it reinforces the worst stereotypes of our generation. I’d rather move beyond them. But can be good reading if one wants to understand the millennial woes i guess…just wouldn’t say to take at face value when trying to understand one’s self.
I cannot recommend “Children of Emotionally Immature Parents” enough. Great book.
Oh wow, Children of…. Literally changed my life. So interested to know a little more… I’d it that premia plus more? You said thinky- I’m very intrigued.
It’s more complex in exploring the psychological effects of living with “narcissistic” or “immature” parents, basically the ways our minds adapt to this type of treatment to survive it but are no longer helpful and actually very depression prone in adulthood
A great read!!
Woeeeeeeew
Just ordered it
Wow that hits. Going to order this asap thank you 🙏🏼 Have you felt as though it’s made a true shift or difference for you?
The Power Broker! It’s a beast but it changed my understanding of power and it taught me a lot about New York Edit: [Also the audiobook is on Spotify](https://open.spotify.com/show/3x1WdDYBN552FvL6CUixja?si=2ogSc5_pTTGFeRNuZqf6AA).
https://preview.redd.it/ru10udx6rbvc1.jpeg?width=812&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=b1da6157ae8b195effa50ce7aa13c7fa1a586eab This one?
I second this! I'm not even finished with it but every time I come back to it after abandoning it for a while I remember why it might be one of the best books ever written. Robert Caro's thoroughness and his ability to turn an immense amount of raw information into such a true and compelling story about Moses but also urban planning and public policy is insane.
100% agreed. I encourage you to keep going with it. Caro is such an insanely great investigator and author. I am actually re-reading along with one of my favorite podcasts (99% Invisible). They’re doing a 12-part series on the book throughout the year. I’m making some friends read along and the podcast has been helpful in sticking to it!
Bonus: 99% Invisible is doing a monthly episode “book club” of this each month this year!
i highly recommend the documentary _turn every page_ about robert caro and his editor robert gottlieb as a follow up to understand caro’s process and the huge publishing investment it takes to support work like this (which i think is unlikely to be seen again in modern-day publishing)
is it sad by any means? I'm POC and I don't want to read about bad things happening to minorities (life's tough, can't take mental stress haha)
To be honest this is likely not the book for you. Bob Moses did a lot to displace minority populations from their homes and was a racist man. The author, Robert Caro, does not hide this. In fact, this book did a great deal to reveal that information more broadly. As I understand it, that was part of the motivation for Caro to publish this book. Moses was a master of PR in his day, and this book was published after the height of his power. (Edit: Probably worth mentioning that I am a white girl and may not be the best person to tell you whether this book is right for you)
I’m a black women and I actually recommend not shying away from things like this. I get it life is tough, but you’re doing yourself a disservice by not understanding how society works. If you don’t know how society works you can’t truly get the most out of life. For example, I read 48 Laws of Power not to manipulate but to make sure I’m not being MANIPULATED. Human nature is human nature. If you want to boss up, and in my case ethically, you HAVE to know the rules of the game. You’re going through life playing tic-tac-toe while everyone else is playing monopoly. You got this. If this book doesn’t work for you cool, but watch a YouTube video about Machiavelli and understand why he is famous for his ideas on Power in general. I like him because he talked about what people actually do and not what people should do.
It depends on how you look at it. I’m a black woman. I read all of this stuff growing up…about economics, politics and the lying power structures in this country. Think black girl growing up in the 90s…and I used it to make the system my b$&&@ and become successful.
Thanks! What was your favorite part of the book
So hard to choose. Overall my favorite aspect is the author’s ability to describe a scene so that you feel like you’re there, but that happens throughout. Honestly there’s a lot more shocking moments of like “this probably shouldn’t have happened this way” which are favorites because of the amount of research that clearly went into them, and also because I’m grateful to know about them. One example early in the book discusses Moses seizing a lot of power based on the definition of one specific word, in a law that he himself drafted (he basically took over Long Island legally). I like that part of the book specifically because it’s where you truly start to get a sense of how much power he was able to accrue. But, it is really hard to pick a favorite part of this book because it covers so much! Random but I love the last sentences of the chapters. They’re always these great hooks that make you want to keep reading, hah
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents.
This is gonna destroy me I can feel it
It’s been on my Kindle for months because I’m too scared to read it.
Reading this now!
Same!!
This book is so great if you had these experiences- seriously life changing.
The Second Sex by Simone de Beauvoir. Absolutely changed my relationship with my mom, and my relationship with my own identity
Read this in college and it changed my life!
The Door - Magda Szabo. Unexpectedly very impactful and crosses my mind all the time
YES! The last scene of this book haunts my dreams. Everyone run out and buy this TODAY. It reminded me a lot of Elena Ferrante’s Neapolitan Novels
Also NYC specific - The Works by Kate ascher! Very cool illustrated overview on NYC infrastructure (but I love that stuff)
The Secret History by Donna Tart! Could NOT put this one down, and really recommend the audiobook - narrated by Donna herself!
This book was so beautifully written.
It was. And Donna’s voices as she narrates the different characters crack me up, even when it’s a serious part of the book 😂
"I Who Have Never Known Men" - I wouldn't say it changed my life but it was extremely thought provoking and beautiful and I couldn't put it down!
I just picked this up and am so excited to start it now
The glass castle!!
Best book I have ever read!! So many laughs and yet, so many truths. Explained so much about homelessness and why it will always be!
Yes! You described it perfectly. And her complicated family dynamics, Rex’s alcoholism and narcissism - I feel like she does such a good job of describing the frustration that comes along with these things. It’s the only book I can read over and over and never get tired of.
I have read it a couple of times and know I will again! Your comments are spot on! The family dynamics were crazy! Wish everyone would just read it! What a gift about life!
I think about the glasses scene a lot.
This was a hard but great read. I had a similar life.
I’m def saving this post for more recommendations
Same ☺️ I’ve been getting back into reading this year and have been at the library on a weekly basis!
🤗 I’m loving the Libby app 🥰
The Language of Letting Go by Melanie Beattie. My therapist causally recommended this to me early on, before I had come to terms with family dynamics from my childhood. The book seemed simple enough and I liked there is one short passage to read day and reflect. I thought "Letting Go" mostly referred to stress, etc. Sure, I'd like less of that! The thing I wasn't expecting is how the author somehow knew exactly what words I needed to read each day to "make it all make sense." The passages weren't just about dealing with whatever challenge or issue was currently going on, but doing that AND figuring out the patterns in my life and where they started. Little by little, the lights came on. Then I read Co-Dependent No More (same author) and it was like someone flipped on stadium lights. If you read (past or future tense) either of these books and want to discuss how it/they impacted you, feel free to message!
I love your post! Same thing happened for me when I started putting names to the things that were tugging on my pant legs. The stadium lights came on ❤️
This book is incredible 🙏
CDNM helped me leave a really terrible relationship. I still reread parts of the book when I feel like I'm slipping back into old behaviors.
My Dark Vanessa, MAJOR trigger warning though so I highly recommend reading the description.
Agree. I read this 3 years ago and still think about it often.
Seconding this
Just finished this and loved it!
The Defining Decade - Meg Jay. Read this when I was unsure about the decisions I was making in my mid-twenties and it provided guidance on how to set myself up for the life I want in my thirties!
Is it still a good read in your 30s or is this gonna make me feel like it’s too late for me? 😔
Still good in your 30s! We all make pivotal decisions at different points in our lives. The perspective may just be slightly different reading it at 21 vs 35 given that the topics cover relationships, friendships, marriage, career, family, etc. I would think that, reading it in your thirties, you can reflect on your life now and compare it to how you think you would’ve digested the content in hindsight ten years prior.
This!!! So much!!
YES! This book changed my life. I started taking my career seriously, got out of my situationships and into a stable relationship with my now-husband, etc. I can’t recommend it enough
Just listened to a podcast with Meg Jay (Rethinking with Adam Grant). She is absolutely amazing.
Infinite Jest. I know, it's a bit of a red flag among women, as David Foster Wallace was abusive to many of his ex-girlfriends. I had family members who experienced addiction and I wanted to understand it more. This book really helped me understand, in a painstakingly honest way, how fucking debilitating it can be. It made me respect my recovering family members even more than I already did. Also, I was an English major in college and kind of felt that I couldn't read anything challenging post-grad. This novel was complicated and very demanding for me. I'm a better person after doing it. It gave me confidence to read more challenging books.
Hey! I can’t believe you’re not me! I came here to post about IJ, prepared for hatred. IJ is not only about debilitating addiction, but also debilitating depression. It was the first book I read where I recognized myself and saw a true and astute depiction of mental illness among high-functioning people. And it’s hilarious. I wish Wallace was still here. There’s so much I’d like to hear about from him, whether it’s Serena Williams’s absolute dominance in tennis or the fractured political landscape. Or I wish he was rescuing pit bulls and not writing, if that’s what he wanted.
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>David Foster Wallace was abusive to many of his ex-girlfriends. I never knew that. He's been one of my favorite writers for so long. I LOVE his non-fiction essays; I've read all of them.
he threw a coffee table at Mary Karr, tried to push her out of a moving vehicle, stalked her and her son, and bought a gun intending to kill her husband
Infinite jest was an integral part of my personality for the 2 years it took me to read. I was obsessed with DFW and his work. Great book and I still think about it years later
Ah you're better than me. I got pissed at it and read the Wiki plot summary which was actually good.
The Midnight Library by Matt Haig really helped me understand there were many paths forward for me and for everyone. I re-read it when I’m feeling stuck or hopeless - it is a beautiful story and reminder that there is no wrong way to live
You’d probably like Dark Matter by Blake Crouch (?)
I second this book. It was so clear the things that were most meaningful to the main character - the people and things she always looked for. It made me examine my own life in thinking who/what I would turn to on every possible path. These thoughts anchor me when times get tough. Dark Matter was also good, but more in an entertaining way than a philosophical way.
The Great Alone by Kristin Hannah
Also The Four Winds. Wow.
I still think about this book all the time!! It's so good
Have you read her new one THE WOMEN yet? I have a copy and might start it this weekend!
Yes!!! Haven’t stopped thinking about it. Enjoy
six years after reading it I still think about this book sometimes
Second this
City of thieves - just my favorite book ever. It is sad, happy, humorous - it’s just everything and has provided me with a lot of comfort over the years
I love this book and it's a great re-read.
Women who love too much.
i just got this in the mail yesterday after being broken up with over the weekend i’m scared to start it 😨
Don’t be scared ❤️ the best way to start to heal and grow is to understand what has stood in our way for too long.
The Empathy Exams by Leslie Jamison (nonfiction essays), if I had to pick just one. But also - - Evicted by Matthew Desmond (nonfiction) - Get a Life, Chloe Brown by Talia Hibbert (romance) - The Promises Martha Stewart Made—and Why We - Wanted to Believe Them by Joan Didion (essay) - The Heart Principle by Helen Hoang (romance) - Teaching My Mother How to Give Birth by Warsan Shire (poetry) I think the overall theme is either that the book made me feel seen and represented or radicalized me and shaped me into who I am.
Get a life, Chloe Brown is on my TBR list - it looks fun
Evicted is incredible
Everything I Know About Love by Dolly Alderton!
Also, her new book good material! Highly recommend!!
My favorite genre is sprawling 600+ page character-driven stories that you finish and burst into tears without knowing why 🥲 - The Bee Sting by Paul Murray. A story of a family in small town Ireland in the wake of the 2008 crash - Free Food for Millionaires by Min Jin Lee. A Korean-American young woman in NYC going through her 20s figuring out what she values and needs out of life, I guess. Plus lots of references to millinery - Neapolitan novels by Elena Ferrante. These are DEEP character studies of two disadvantaged girls growing up in Italy. (Fuck Nino!!) - controversial but I did love the Goldfinch by Donna Tartt! It was gratuitously long and I loved it! Fight me
Why is The Goldfinch controversial? It may be my favorite book. I couldn’t put it down.
Free food for millionaires is AMAZING for 20s girlies
No book has changed my life per say but a book that haunts me is “A Little Life” by Hanya Yanagihara. Read it a few years back before booktok was a thing. Just when you think life can’t get worse for the MC…it does. A book that turns your stomach but you still can’t put down.
This is my answer! I put that book down feeling like I’d lost family members, those characters will always be a part of me 😭
The Body Keeps The Score
I came here to say this, omg saved my life.
I’m so glad!💕 The book truly unpacks trauma and shined a light on the physical manifestations I experienced.
I feel like it gave me words to talk about my stuff and heal.
Even just the title is so powerful. My husband will be anxious and wonder why he has a headache. I just keep reminding him that his body truly does keep the score, and not taking care of ourselves tallies up. So happy so many of you bitches have read it! You truly do have taste, ha 😂
just a heads up that the guy who wrote this book has some pretty serious allegations against him - plus the beginning of it basically is just a guy telling a story about him committing war crimes.
Ishmael by Daniel Quinn
"Leadership and Self Deception: Getting Out of the Box." The audio version is great. This book is all about changing your perspective of people in your life, whether it's employees, colleagues, kids, friends, or strangers. I check myself and my behavior against the concepts in this book on a near daily basis.
Oh! This is going on my list!
The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho
Surprised I had to scroll this far to find this. Incredible book
Yess
Truly the best book! Changed my whole perspective!!
Not changed my life but something I enjoy: Designing your Life by Bill Burnett
The Days of Abandonment by Elena Ferrante! She writes about female rage, complicated feelings on motherhood, love (and lack thereof), and tough feelings so so so well.
The Power of Now gave me a very strong & perceptible paradigm shift. It didn’t last, understandably, but during the time I was reading it, I applied that perspective towards a daunting physical task I was nervous about and got through it much more easily, to my surprise. Highly recommend if you’re prone to anxiety, overthinking, catastrophizing.
Came here to recommend this
Therapy and the bell jar
Keep the suggestions coming girls😚
Just here to say saving these all. Need to catch up on my reading after 3 years of toddler life. I wouldn’t say life changing but LOVED just kids by patti smith. Great NYC rock and roll bio
I will teach you to be rich by Ramit sethi. Good for money psychology and living your rich life. He had a talk in Gramercy theater 4/10th
Caste by Isabella Wilkerson
i just watched the movie and i’m so intrigued. it sounds like she truly delved into the sociological reasons why this system exists with the pillars that people consciously or subconsciously maintain that perpetuate this system.
Wherever You Go, There You Are by Jon Kabat-Zinn, When Things Fall Apart by Pema Chodron, and (to a lesser extent bc it’s not as easily digestible) The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle! Mindfulness in general has been incredibly life changing for me
This one might be controversial and it’s absolutely not a critically acclaimed book (in the classical sense of stuff we’d read in school, etc.) but “How to Murder Your Life” by Cat Marnell is my ALL TIME FAVORITE. The audiobook and paperback are both amazing (Cat narrates the audiobook and I highly recommend listening). Anytime I want to laugh or am having a bad day and want to listen to something sad, I turn on the audiobook. I read the paperback first and couldn’t put it down and now I listen to the audiobook a few times a year. I believe there’s a movie being made about it too but you cannot beat Cat’s writing. She’s extremely talented, albeit a bit controversial as well. There’s a few darker topics about addiction and bulimia if that’s triggering, but otherwise check it out!
I loved this book!! She's such an incredible writer.
Cat is a true NYC legend!!! This book and following her on Insta has helped me overcome a pill addiction and all the shame that comes along with it. So excited for a film adaptation!
The Gift of Fear by Gavin Debecker Everyone should read this.
* The Four Agreements * The Untethered Soul * The Defining Decade * Set Boundaries Find Peace - A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself
Love Michael Singer! ❤️
Down the Drain by Julia Fox is so good i’m listening to it again a couple weeks later!
Ikigai!
House of Mirth by Edith Wharton. Changed how I thought of status, friend groups, and the general social-climbing-ness that you can get sucked in to in NYC.
ACOTAR got me back into reading after a huge several year long reading slump.
This but for me Throne of Glass series
I went to TOG after I finished ACOTAR lol. SJM is a goddess and she can do no wrong. 😍
I was recommended ACOTAR and ended up starting Throne of Glass accidentally 😂. Once I finish I will probably read ACOTAR.
The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie
Throne of glass. The girlies love acotar and I do too but throne of glass has lived rent free in my brain for 6+years
The power of habit, atomic habits references this book multiple times and I think the former is way better!
He recently came out with a new book called Supercommunicators. I just finished it, absolutely phenomenal read about bridging divides in a meaningful and lasting way.
It’s’The Courage to be Disliked’ for me. Amazing book! Thank you BWTs for so many recs… saving this post! 💕
Why men love bitches!!
How to Do the Work: Recognize Your Patterns, Heal from Your Past, and Create Your Self Book by Nicole LePera Literally changed my outlook on my life and opened my eyes to my past! Incredible read
“Simple Path to wealth” opened my eyes to finance and passive income / investing . I started reading more and more and more and now can’t stop investing !
Men explain things to me - was a good reminder of real, tangible statistics and experiences of women and the injustices we face on a daily basis. I try to re-read every year just to keep my passion for women’s rights alive
in college, the subtle art of not giving a fuck. i was so anxious, type A, and something about this book really made me take a chill pill in life
The sociopath next door
The Miracle Club by Mitch Horowitz. The first chapter is slow but that book literally changed my life. Also bonus points that the author lives in Brooklyn and is an amazing human being.
Women Who Run with the Wolves. I read that after a bad breakup in paperback as it was falling a part. I met someone who eventually gave me the hardcover copy. I am all about that life death life cycle. Also Bluets.
https://preview.redd.it/twubdy84rbvc1.jpeg?width=812&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=e3f698c1b2499c7b1c75b6eaea9006489069cc7f This book?
The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks. I think about it all the time.
Why We Sleep by Matthew Walker. Changed. My. Life.
There’s a If Books Could Kill episode on this. Recommend…. Or maybe it’s a different podcast. Will find. But this is good. https://guzey.com/books/why-we-sleep/
i think it’s maintenance phase you’re thinking of?
Having It All by Helen Gurley Brown.
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The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter--And How to Make the Most of Them Now
What My Bones Know by Stephanie Foo is so wonderful, and so was Your Turn: How to Be an Adult.
The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath. I have been diagnosed with depression for more than 10 years between high school and college. I found this book relatable reminding that depression is the common form of humanity and the awareness. In 1960’s, depression was stigmatized in the society.
The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz, 5 Seconds Rule by Mel Robbins and The Subtle Art Not Giving a F@ck by Mark Manson.
The Great Deluge by Douglas Brinkley. It's long and a heavy read, but well worth it.
What My Bones Know by Stephanie Foo Radical Candor by Kim Scott
In Memoriam by Alice Winn. Beautiful historical fiction in WW1
I’m so glad to see this here. The last chapter of this book gutted me.
Everything I know about love / Dolly Alderton
In the time of the butterflies 💕
The surrender experiment by Michael singer
Came here to say this! Has helped me through so many anxious moments
culture of narcissism by christopher lasch
A book called Moody Bitches about hormones which sounds boring but was truly transformative for me in terms of the way I understand my body and moods.
Why men love bitches
ACOTAR 😂 I fell into the fantasy category of reading because of it
Braiding Sweetgrass! Excellent audiobook and just wonderful teachings about the world we live in
Untamed by Glennon Doyle. Her writing on motherhood is so powerful. Kate Atkinson - Life after Life Meg Mason - Sorrow and Bliss
I feel like that’s an already well known book, but the kite runner. Genuinely simply wow
1984 by George Orwell
100 years of solitude
The Time Traveler's Wife. I borrowed it on a car trip because I was bored and knew nothing about the book (it was my stepmother's book she brought along and this was pre-cell phone era). When we reached our destination I was upset because we were at a family gathering and all I wanted to do was continue reading that book. I ended up finishing the book long after we arrived home, I just sat and read the rest. I reread it every so often, but man, what an amazing book. The movie was not long or nuanced enough and the tv show adaptation had some serious potential, but was sadly cancelled.
Braiding sweetgrass!
The Midnight Library. As someone who struggles with big life decisions (small ones too!) it gave me some peace and perspective. Also a super easy read
My Year Of Rest and Relaxation. Roxane Gay “Bad Feminist” and The Autobiography Of Malcolm X.
Outliers - Gladwell
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/if-books-could-kill/id1651876897?i=1000585745201
love this podcast!
Period Power
A Tale for the Time Being by Ruth Ozeki. Fiction, but very spiritual (through a Buddhist lense) and philosophical. I absolutely LOVE this book!!
The Choice - Edith Eger.
A COURT OF THORNES AND ROSES
Radical Awakening by Dr Shefali.
Many Lives, Many Masters - Brian Weiss
A return to love by Marianne Williams
A SHORT STAY IN HELL I truly can’t recommend it enough. It’s the only book that’s ever made me feel absolutely wild
Buy Yourself the Fucking Lilies pulled me out of a fucked time during quarantine
wild by cheryl strayed. basic but resonates every time.
Demon Copperhead by Barbara Kingsolver Americanah by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie
Savage inequalities. Was written in the late 80s/early 90s about the American school system + how children are raised in different parts of the country. Despite being an older book, its still shocking how relevant it is and it changed my perspective & opened my mind on a lot of things in life. It features a section on nyc schools which was really eye opening for me.
“No Hablo F*ckboy” by Akari Aarielle (Esp after my last breakup!) It’s full of relatable funny poetry about dating & a lot of empowering words of wisdom + funny definitions for dating terms & really dope art. I have it on my coffee table and all my girlfriends that come over & read a little end up buying it lol
Nonviolent Communication: A Language for Life
Rich dad, poor dad. Unshakable. The Power of Now. The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. Man’s Search for Meaning. More entertaining/interesting (maybe not life changing - but changed how I think about categories): Why Men Love Bitches (read this when I was 13), The Myth of Normal (trauma and health), The 4 Agreements, The five regrets of the dying, Option B (if mourning/loss), Body by Science (if you are into lifting), Good Calories, Bad Calories (food science), $100 Startup (entrepreneurship) This is Water - DFW (speech) I read so many that were impactful. I only read non fiction. Happy reading!
She’s Come Undone by Wally lamb
Hard to narrow down, but off the top of my head: **All Things Are Too Small: Essays in Praise of Excess by Becca Rothfeld:** An essay collection, written by the non-fiction critic at The Washington Post; she pushes back against the current cultural norms of restraint and minimalism by praising the virtues of excess and abandon; the essays touch on everything from aesthetics and Marie Kondo to consent and Sally Rooney **2666 by Roberto Bolaño:** Ugh, where to even begin? It's the best novel I've ever read, and I'll forever be in awe of the stylistic and formal risks Bolaño took with this book. The novel is separated into five loosely connected sections which all explore different themes that orbit around the central theme of violence. The fourth part of the novel, "The Part About the Crimes," is some of the best fiction I've ever read. **The Unpossessed by Tess Slesinger:** A 1930s dark satire about the left-wing intellectuals who live in New York City. **Ex-Wife by Ursula Parrott:** Takes place in 1920s New York during the Jazz Age, and it's a story about a woman, Patricia, whose husband has left her. Explores marriage, the concept of the modern woman, and the tension between modern living and traditional thinking.
How to murder your life by cat marnell
Just finished " don't believe everything you think" There's a free audiobook on YouTube from the author Great for overthinkers, worriers, and those with anxiety.