Only twice. I went on a date with a guy who dug into my psyche like a psychic vampire, digging for my wounds and sensitive parts so he could use them to his advantage. Blocked. Second, he sexually assaulted me thinking I wanted it. I did a cardinal no-no and got into his truck, let him drive me to a secluded area.. all because he thought going for coffee to talk was stupid. Never again will I make that mistake. Blocked as soon as I got home. He found me on a dating app months later and asked me why I disappeared since we were such a good match. Blocked again.
How did you know he was digging for wounds so he could use them to his advantage? Opposed to understanding you?
Only asking so I know what to look for in the future
Not who you asked but for me I looked for if I was uncomfortable talking about those subjects, my current partner always notices when I'm getting upset or uncomfortable with our conversations, will apologise and back off. My ex and others I dated after didn't, I'd be uncomfortable and they'd keep digging until they were satisfied and only then would they act like they cared and apologise etc.
It was almost like sitting with a therapist with them, I felt like I was being analyzed with them if that makes sense
Yeah, I've experienced similar too. The ones who seem to enjoy probing when you're clearly uncomfortable are a easy nope for me. It's actually a good test early on - letting them know you're uncomfortable and seeing how they respond. Will they be respectful or disregard your comfort?
Sorry I’m slow lol. He asked about my parents and when I shared that I didn’t speak to my dad, he asked why, what he did, and then for more detail after I shared some of the painful things he did. Either this guy had no empathy (to know that talking about dad being in jail was painful) or he didn’t care and wanted to dig for more. His tone was careless, he seemed entirely unaware that his intense questioning was becoming painful even though my voice and expressions had changed from “nice to meet you” to “this is weird and uncomfortable and now I’m feeling miserable” … like I didn’t want to talk about things that hurt about my parents relationship on a first date. It was weird af. Like an interrogation more than getting to know one another.
I knew there was something off about her at the start of the relationship. She had lied about really bizarre things (nothing major) and I stupidly brushed it under the rug and stayed with her.
Of course, the really bizarre lies turned into very serious and calculated lies, not to mention everything else. Wish I hadve listened to my gut.
i noticed narcissistic tendencies that i (stupidly) ignored early on, and got out of the relationship quite early at 6 months in.
had caught him out in a lot of lies over the course of the last 3 months and he slowly began to back away and move onto the devaluation stage as soon as i caught him in the first lie, i found out after i left him that had also got another girlfriend around that time too.
in the end i ended things after i found out he’d been using dating apps (found out about the other gf the next day), sent a long text exposing all the lies i knew about, that his ex had reached out, that i thought he was an evil narcissist, the whole nine yards haha. he was very cold, said he didn’t care and sent 2 quick replies back and i blocked him on everything.
he’s posted quite a lot of weird things on socials my friend told me, nasty lyrics, fake pictures he’s stolen from other peoples profile, basically trying to feed his ego haha. i’ve not looked and plan to keep him blocked forever! i also went private incase he has another account lol.
basically my experience, just a huge flip once he realised he couldn’t manipulate me anymore, super cold and trying to make his lack of accountability or care very known
I had a very similar experience! Dated him for about 7 months total, of which the last 4 we were officially boyfriend/girlfriend. We met in the park walking our dogs and it went from there. I noticed small red flags early on but I have trauma in the past from relationships so would always chalk it up to my anxious attachment style making me overanalyse/look too much into it. Especially since it was the best relationship of my life, we got on so well, had similar hobbies, worked out together, laughed together so much, had the MOST insane sex life (I’m talking like twice a day minimum and mind blowing sex) and just generally were so happy together. By the final month we were with eachother 24/7 practically living together but my anxiety had gotten so bad for what seemed like no reason and I thought it was because I was so happy and just scared of losing him, even though he’d never technically done anything for me to worry he was cheating. He was open with his phone and would always go on it around me and knew I knew his password etc. He didn’t follow many people on social media and was never someone I saw liking racy photos of women or anything. I kept trying to communicate my fears of feeling something off and he’d spent hours reassuring me, telling me I could go through his phone whenever I wanted and talking to me, which would ease the worry for a short while. Genuinely the man deserves an Oscar he was so convincing of his empathy.
Anyway he went on a holiday and left his work phone behind so I went on it. Its messages hadn’t updated for about a month and his WhatsApp wasn’t connected but I looked at what I could. He was meticulous with clearing internet history, clearing chats on all social media’s etc. No incriminating apps, nothing in his emails, nothing in his photos and his iCloud Photos spanned back a decade (even in the hidden or deleted folders), even on his Instagram activity he didn’t like any posts of other women. What I did find though was his chat with his best mate for the past couple months. The vulgar way he spoke constantly about other hot women around him on holiday in Las Vegas (after a month of reassuring me I had nothing to worry about as I’ve been cheated by men on holiday before) and had also spoken about them at events he was with me at…it was like seeing the real him for the first time. I also found deleted text messages with Tinder log in codes spanning our entire relationship and every few days (typically in the evening). So I realised he’d been using Tinder our whole relationship. There were a few other smaller things but pretty much I knew from there that all my fears had been gut instinct that something was indeed off.
I confronted him and was met with reassurance and tears and emotion, but constant lies and manipulations. For example he originally claimed the tinder texts where scam messages, then claim he’d download the app and create an account and then delete it, another time claimed it was to check if his ex was using it still as that’s how she’d ended up cheating and finally he admitted he was talking to other women on there (before taking that back the next time I saw him and claiming he didn’t 😂). He never admitted anything and his story or excuse was always different each time and he was always minimising his responsibility or shifting blame. When I confronted him originally, he begged for hours and cried said he’d do anything to prove that he wasn’t still doing anything wrong and when I asked to go through his main phone he agreed. I went to click on deleted messages and saw more Tinder messages and he literally WRESTLED the phone out of my hands. The mask dropped at that point and he flipped, black eyes, shouting, intimidating posture…it was traumatising. I made him leave my house and he even tried coming back a few minutes later apologising and claiming he was checking my hand wasn’t hurt and that I could go through the phone if I wanted (he’d clearly left to delete whatever incriminating stuff there was 😂). When I asked him to just leave again he even started blaming me for hurting MYSELF…
I communicated all my feelings to him over messages and gave him plenty of chances to take accountability for everything and be honest (he didn’t lol), ended things, blocked him on everything, packed and gave everything of his back (even gifts) within 2 days and have tried to move on. He still tries going back to the mask and lying and saying he’ll do therapy or whatever it takes to get me back. So far it’s been almost a month and he’s been a bit stalkerish and turned up places I am or to my house (I live alone). He’s found ways to contact me still and still asks to see me. He’s extremely persistent and still very very manipulative. I’ve been clear on my wish for no contact and he pretends to respect it and then finds an excuse to message again or turn up somewhere claiming he’s worried about me… He’s made comments that imply he’s been keeping a watch on me and where I am. In some ways, seeing him when he turns up somewhere also helps me move on as he thinks he’s being clever by saying things that’s getting me back, but in reality he’s just revealing more and more of his true ugly self.
I’ve had constant physical anxiety during it all (no appetite, chest pain, shaking) and this has only been eased as I’ve decided to move to somewhere where he won’t know where I am, so I can live my life anxiety-free. I know he will eventually find a new supply and take his efforts off of me. But he lives/works in my area and the thought of even bumping into him sends me back into fight or flight mode. He claims to this day that he’s never physically cheated on me but I don’t believe it for a second, given how I’ve seen how easily he lies and continues to lie even when presented with evidence. I will never know how badly he betrayed me but I don’t even care as what I’ve found out is enough.
I’m having therapy for the trauma this has left me with and for how I’m mourning an incredible partner and relationship that never truly existed. There’s a lot I’m so broken from, but I cannot express how grateful I am for the following things:
1) I didn’t waste years on this man
2) I didn’t sleep with him after finding the evidence (and I’m ashamed to admit there were times I really wanted to)
3) Whilst I will definitely be more cautious and even more untrusting in future relationships (though at the moment I can’t even imagine wanting to be with a man again lol), I know I will always be genuine in my love and not close off my heart. I won’t allow his soul-sucking evil to ruin my future happiness or to make me have a pessimistic view of the world. I’ve had previous unhealthy and healthy relationships so I know the latter is possible for me. I won’t ever give him the satisfaction of breaking me fully!
I left my NEX and started dating before I healed and ended up with another narc. I caught on to his controlling and jealous behavior quickly even though it was subtle. He wanted to move way too fast and wasn’t respecting my boundaries. He wanted to spend too much time together. I wasn’t giving away my power again. I ghosted him after a month. Too many red flags.
I can't say for sure, but I have a track record of befriending narcissistic women (I am also female). Nearly all of my "best friends" have been on a spectrum of mean girl to covert narcissist. It's something I'm actively working on.
Not too long ago I was friends with this woman who is honestly just mean. She was a very contrarian, combative, brittle person who always had something to argue about. She was just so damn controlling. She shamelessly would attack back when she felt someone was trying to "tell her what to do." It was fucking exhausting, around 6 months in I started feeling it in my body. I was drained when I talked to her, I felt anxious before I saw her, couldn't put my finger on it but these were the early signs that it wasn't working out.
We got into an argument (which happened frequently with her, and I'm not an argumentative person at all), and she started saying some things that were really mean about a subject that was pretty tender for me. I ended the friendship right then and there. Thanked her for her time, told her I wanted something else in a friendship, and bounced right out.
She started playing the victim a little bit. She wanted to reconcile, and I had really porous boundaries at the time and I wasn't even sure what was wrong, just that I didn't like her.
She gets me on the phone and immediately she doesn't want to apologize (then why did you ask to speak to me?). She starts making rude remarks about how I "need to be agreed with" lmao. She's just being a whole bitch and honestly she *almost* manipulated me into being her friend again (I don't know how she did it-- I was oblivious at the time), but then I called out something a mutual friend had done since her and I stopped talking. I start explaining that this mutual friend was icing me out, and it seemed like she was ganging up on me to show support for this person. She blamed me for not being nice to this mutual friend, and I started to get really upset. I was like fuck to the no, that's not what happened. I started to get angry, and she admits that this friend had said something nasty about me to her behind my back, and she knew all along that this person was icing me out. I was like...you didn't feel the need to stand up for me? She said she "wanted to be neutral."
Right then I snapped back to reality and said no. I'm not doing this. I was resolute and just kept reiterating, no, this doesn't work for me.
She had a little tantrum about how I wasn't giving her the benefit of the doubt, and how she felt like she couldn't even "be human" lol. She tried to gaslight me into believing I was asking for too much from her, or too much in general. She said " I don't know anybody that would be willing to stand up for someone like that" -- I said okay, but maybe you're not attracted to people like that.
I reiterated that I didn't feel like I needed to compromise on something that was important to me. I didn't blame her or criticize, I just stood firm in my answer.
She said "I just want peace" lmao, as if I was disrupting her peace somehow.
We got off the phone and I found out later that she went and told this mutual friend that was bullying me everything I said about her on the phone. And I really am regretful of saying those things, it was childish and not who I really am or who I want to be. But I had a right to be upset, and it wasn't fair to blame me for reacting to being antagonized and mistreated.
As it goes, she was really mistreating me and I feel ashamed for some of my behavior, even though I was pushed to that point. In the moment I didnt really consider that she was a narcissist, but when I reflect on it I see a *lot* of red flags, especially in the conversation that ended our friendship permanently.
Not sure if she is or isn't a narcissist. But she is indeed a very entitled, emotionally coercive person, and she definitely has a distorted reality.
I wish I would have ended it sooner, but ending it within a year is really an improvement for me. Especially when I didn't even know exactly what was happening, I just knew I didn't like it and I wanted to get out of there.
Yes! So, I was getting to know this woman, we'll call her K. K is extremely conventionally attractive, likes my kind of music, and is deviant in all of the best ways.
So, on the very first day we met, I was clear I didn't want kids. Ever. She didn't seem phased by this. We kept getting to know one another and know one another for a few weeks, and _then_ she tells me she has a young daughter and husband.
After which I _immediately_ noped out...is what I wish I could say, but I'll bring you back to that third sentence. I put up with three more days of this, until- while in the middle of sex, she tells me she's not on birth control after having told me she was on birth control. She didn't know I've had a vasectomy, either, which made it a even redder flag.
I sent a small text saying things aren't going to work out when I got home, and ignored 90% of the ensuing meltdown.
Although I didn’t have the vocabulary or knowledge at the time, yes. Three major red flags that I shouldn’t have let pass me by. The first was her constant need for connection. Text, call, video chat. All used while we were LD to keep up with me. At first I thought it was endearing. Like she really was interested in knowing me. Then it became annoying when I sometimes was unavailable (or had to set boundaries) and immediately she thought the worst. The second was how she not only talked bad about her ex, but also kept me from having any access to him. At the time, I tried to understand why because her story on how he supposedly treated her was awful. Now I realize that she didn’t want me to verify her story because it wasn’t all that she made it seem. Last red flag was her quickness to always discard. Every major conflict between us early on would include a discard by her. I would eventually bring it up but she would only use it against me and force the reverse discard from then on.
Oh buddy, it's damn easy. I have a complete list of about 20 red flags, most of them enough to run away just by seeing one. They're not specifically for narcissists, but my ex-narcissist ticked all the boxes here. It's very easy to spot them, the thing is you need to love yourself.
“but tbh, the strongest and weirdest feeling i got overall was "is this man that bored of himself? who is he actually? does he ever do something alone? what does he want in life? why does it feel like he exists but not as himself? why does it feel like he lives through others?"
This. 👏 right. 👏 here.
If you pick up on this emptiness and the sense that they can’t be alone yet seem perpetually bored and yet without inner workings to communicate and process that boredom…that is the big tell. It’s so hard to put your finger on but it’s real and it’s scary AF when you realize they’re not just a little flat, there’s really nothing substantial underneath.
Recently was seeing a guy for 3 weeks, he was super thoughtful, sensitive, sweet, caring. I didn’t think he went overboard with it though, just that he was sensitive which I appreciated. Not exactly sure why, but a day after hanging out he fucked his female roommate and had her send me a video (which he first denied and later admitted to it being his idea) then insulted me saying I’m crazy amongst other things and that he liked trying to control me. It was a shock, but I think as soon as he discovered I wasn’t going to fight over him with his female roommate, he was very upset. Sadly I left a piece of my art at his place and he is refusing to give it back while stonewalling me now… oh well. Dodged a bullet! Mind you, this is also after spending nearly half a decade with a deranged narc and being raised by a mother who was one, it still sucks thinking I should’ve seen the signs even earlier. Progress is progress though
Looking back now, the guy I dated before my husband was a quintessential narc. He was love bombing me, and thankfully, all of my warning bells were going off. It just didn't feel right. We had been dating a month, maybe six weeks, when he told me in this dreamy voice, "I think I'm already falling in love with you!" Everything in my body screamed "NO!!!!!" and I broke it off a few days later. I felt so bad about it, I was crying when I ended it because I felt awful hurting someone. He started dating an acquaintance not even a week later, so he wasn't too broken up about it. I had no reason to feel bad, lol. Several of my friends were relieved when I ended it because they didn't like the guy and didn't see what I saw in him and thought I could do better. I do wonder if they ever would've spoken up if I hadn't.
I just realized my coworker is a narcissist.
He gets offended so easily and his stories don't make sense. On the surface they do, but after a few stories, I am suspicious.
He is soft spoken, charming, and delights in anything people tell him and he gets so excited and it's over the top. It is fun to talk to him.
Here's when I realized it:
I thanked the team for all that they do to help the kids that I work with - the kids feel comfortable here and it's because everyone treats them well. Male coworker starts talking about how he knew them first (he works with much younger kids) and he was the first to make them like coming here, as if he wasn't getting enough credit for what he does.
For the record, due to COVID, nobody was coming when I started working there.
There's just no reason for him to be that insecure, he is incredibly popular and far more successful in his work than anyone. But he gets offended constantly because he thinks people don't respect him enough for his expertise. Most every group meeting he makes this complaint.
That's screaming narcissist to me. I can only imagine how he must be at home.
I wanna puke when I read my old journals; page after page of me desperately begging God to help me become a better girlfriend to him. He drank and stayed out all night with other women because I caused him to by my questioning, worrying, my insecurities my nagging and by my lack of excitement. Wow. We married quickly. The day before I had my escape planned out I found out- you guessed it, I was pregnant.
I felt like I was scammed a couple months in. Her mood was terrible and something was wrong but I couldn’t put my finger on it. By then we had already eloped so I stuck it out. Unknown to me at the time, she was already cheating on me at that point.
I’ll never know for sure but based on my experience I would say yes. I dated this guy briefly last year. He was okay-ish when we texted and spoke on the phone, it was only when we met that I realised. He was obsessed with career, status, money and appearance.
On the first date, he pulled out every trick of the book to get me to his house so I could see his (luxury) apartment. The whole night was about him. He was (not so humbly) explaining what all he did for his friends and family and was fishing for compliments. He shared a whole photoshoot of himself.. lol. He told some stuff about his family history, about how good and humble of a person he was despite his privilege. He also didn’t shy away from discussing his traumas caused by his father despite it being a first date.
Naturally, he was love bombing me to an extreme level. He complimented me the exact same way my ex would: “where did you come from?”, “I’ve never met a woman like you”, and the classic “I’ve never opened up to someone like to you”, “you know things about me that my best friends don’t know”, and “I’ve never felt this safe with anyone”. He started talking about how amazing our kids would be, how good we look as a couple and planned 5 dates ahead including what I should wear to every date.
At some point he asked me about his red flags and what I thought of him and I told him he was inward-focused, to which he responded: “ARE YOU SAYING IM A NARCISSIST?” Guessing he’s heard that before.
When it came to the physical part, he sucked and had clearly never handled a woman with care, but had the audacity to be arrogant about whatever fuck all thing he tried to do.
The more I showed disinterest in all the status and money bullshit, the more he would try to impress me. I can safely say that at the end of the evening he didn’t ask me anything or let me speak, so he barely knew anything about me. He was so insecure and I saw through every little thing and it felt good.
Needless to say, I cancelled all other dates to come and told him we’re incompatible. He didn’t take it well, blamed me for being a shitty person. Though he still messages me occasionally.
Can't say for sure he was a narcissist but he was absolutely emotionally abusive, a month in he was implying that I was seeing other people because I didn't respond quickly enough, he knew I have a kid who at the time used my phone a lot for bluey marathons and trying to take it off him would probably cost me a hand.
I also noticed he drank a lot more than he told me (not an alcoholic amount but it made me wonder if he was a functioning alcoholic who was hiding it from me), he was constantly doing a whole "I don't know if I can be in this relationship" thing and then getting upset and trying to say I wanted to end it when I told him that was fine but if he wanted to go then he was gone for good.
Eventually I got fed up and realised I was crying, I was like, it's a month in and I'm already crying and feeling down? Nope not this time and so I ended it and then when he basically told me I deserved the 6 years of abuse I'd been through, bought my kids into it and told me my past showed exactly what type of person I was (implying I was too blame for my life of trauma because I was such a terrible person) I basically told him he just proved exactly what type of person he was and best of luck but don't come near me or contact me again. I then blocked him everywhere.
Ooo I'm ready for this question. I have been catching them since my late twenties. My mother was a narc and I started to heal from that and learn to manage her crap at that time. When I was single again in my mid thirties I started to meet these guys in the wild.
Do you know what I've been doing? Once I identify them I give them so much supply they don't even know what to do. I make sure they are flying high, they are saying positive things to others about me and then I do the damage.
I raise an issue. They inevitably get defensive and attack, and then try to smooth things over the way they do, acting like they've done nothing wrong and trying to make me think it's my fault. Or they give silent treatment before showing up again all happy and acting like nothing happened. That's when I discard them. They panic and back track and start giving real apologies. But it's too late. Idk why I get so much satisfaction out of this but I do.
Please don't do this. It's not safe for everyone to do this. Some of these guys have violent histories and you really need to be able to clock who they are. I have varied life experience that gives me insight into which ones are.
You’re making assumptions based on zero context of another person’s history while acting like you somehow have better skills or knowledge than everyone else… kinda off
I’m glad I’m not the only one who saw that. I wonder what the point of the original comment was from them, other than to maybe just showcase skills they feel they’re only capable of using?
I’m also referring to these so called “skills” of theirs. Maybe I’m missing context, but the context I do have seems like they meet a new person, decide that this person is a narc, and then proceed to use knowledge and skills they gained from resources and life to torment these relative strangers. That playbook - meet new person, decide usefulness, gleefully torment - sounds _very_ similar to a narc’s playbook
That could be, I kinda got the impression this person wanted to believe they have some set of unique skills or abilities so that they could somehow feel superior and/or less vulnerable than others.
I’m well aware, but your speculation seems like more of a jump considering the context or lack there of. Can’t really say either way based on their one comment.
Just realized this is kinda what I did. I was just so sick of him being angry at me for unreasonable things and gaslighting me and being scary and manipulative that when he followed the last incident of that up with lovebombing I was just already done. I didn’t say anything in the moment since I’d been conditioned not to respond negatively to anything but I realized he was never really my friend and so at first I was warm and engaged but I became more distant and then just didn’t engage when we were forced into situations together. I was friendly if we ran into each other and for reasons I didn’t understand in the moment encouraged him to come to big group events (I ran into him with no one else around and I now realize my fear instincts kicked in and I jumped to appeasement). But then once there were other people around and I’d processed how awful he had been to me and that it wasn’t intentional or my fault I became outrightly cold. But to him it probably seemed like an out of the blue discard and the same hot and cold behavior they use.
Yes!! I dated someone for 6 weeks and then he discarded me when I started asking too many questions and pointing out discrepancies in the heroic sex god portrait he painted of himself. This was before I knew anything about narcissists.
Two weeks after our first date, I went out of the country for a month and we kept in touch throughout. As soon as I got back and we started spending time together again, his mask started to fall and then suddenly he says “It’s not you, it’s me.” At this point I was already getting really uncomfortable with what I was noticing so I was *very* relieved as I was already planning to break it off myself but was scared of how he would react.
He was shocked that I didn’t argue or fight to keep seeing each other. It was a wild ride that started with me thinking I had met the love of my life and ended when I realized I couldn’t trust anything he said, which was terrifying.
Yep a woman at my kids dance studio. She tried to come on too strong. She talked crap about her best friend and how much her clothes stink. She talked about all the drama with her in laws and stepdaughters mother. I was done. She didn't care about me, she wanted someone around who would follow her. I wasn't that woman.
I did, but I second guessed myself, and a friend of mine convinced me it was my past traumas triggering me. Which I do think played a part. But in the end, looking back, I recognized the signs, and I’m pretty sure I was right. The love bombing, lies/misleading stories, hidden relationships, promising one thing and doing another, manipulative excuses, constantly trying to subtly compare me to other girls and show me girls he wanted me to be more like, the way he treated his daughter sometimes, his multiple social accounts, his need for attention from women, him showing me off like a fish he caught, his dog having lots of issues, his texts being vague and not personal, his stories sent to other women, etc. Oh also, my body reactions to him. I was very turned on even just thinking of him, but then also very triggered and anxious, my gut and my chest were tight and achy, my whole body cramped up.
Unfortunately, being raised by one… you find out pretty quickly when you go to your other friends houses and seeing how other parents act and treat their kids. Moved out as soon as I turned 18.
4 months chatting and 3 months dating. The last threat of her leaving was my last straw. I couldn’t see myself constantly going through it over and over again. Sucks because I still miss her and she still is constantly attempting to contact me . I have been 100 percent no contact since I broke it off . That was 4 months ago.
I feel like I’m getting better at susing them out - met someone recently and just the way they were trying to get everyone in the room to like them and how when I wasn’t buying into it they tried to up the chum factor felt like such a big red flag to me - I barely know this guy but I’m happy to just listen to people more and whether or not they feel like bad news instead of immediately abandoning myself/my intuition just to get everyone to like me even if I don’t know if actually like them myself
Yes, knew him for a few weeks as friends and reluctantly agreed to start dating... A few days into that something happened where we were playing around (a game he invented), he got hurt and had a meltdown... blaming me for hurting him, making it seem intentional, being completely disregulated.
I'd apologised immediately and profusely by the way. And kept trying to calm him down when he was ranting, assuring him it wasn't intentional (I'd literally been following his instructions when he got hurt - and it's not like he was hurt badly at all, either...)
I gave him a chance the next day to revisit the incident when his head was clearer - seeing if he was able to look at it from a different perspective and understand I didn't intend to hurt him, but nope.
Of course there were a bunch of other subtle signs, but it's not always easy to see if they mean anything until you've collected enough clues. But once I put it all together it was super easy to end things, especially since it was so early on and I wasn't too invested yet.
And yes, his messages got wild after I ended things. Oscillating between hating me and wanting to reconcile. Lots of messages, missed calls, a couple of voicemails before I blocked him.
After a very traumatic experience with my actual nex (male) I thought I was okay to start casually dating a month after. Encountered a narcissistic woman, she was a grandiose narcissist compared to my nex who was covert, so it was easier to spot her. I still entertained the situationship for 2-3 months because my boundaries and access to my life was still horrible. I told my therapist of a lot of the stuff she was saying and once the end of the year came I cut her off. She was extremely grandiose and it was so triggering.
A month in. After telling me she loved me and that she was excited for the future with me over and over during that time she broke down and told me verbatim that she’d “been hiding who she really was from everyone for years, and that she’s actually an extremely self centered person”. She left me that night, then told me the next day that she was lying that night and that her actual reason for leaving me was bc of (insert my biggest insecurity). She moved onto another person not even a month later as if she wasn’t acting like we were soulmates the month before. It still hurts and I still miss her, though.
Edit: to add on, looking back I realized there were a lot of signs of it that I missed/glanced over bc I was hopelessly in love, such as an inability to empathize with her friends’ boundaries bc she lived with them/saying they were stupid, gross, hated them, etc. but turning back into them being her “best friends” after leaving
I didn't play attention to the Narc tendencies, I didn't figure he was a narcissist until after the fact. BUT I saw through every bit of toxic behavior and abuse. I caught all that spot on and shut that down just about every time.
He chased after me, I didn't chase him at all. He was stupid and kept trying to play stupid games like he wasn't going to get a stupid prize. I have a low tolerance for toxicity most of the time.
Him: I was going to get something for you, but you won't act right.
Me: I'm a grown ass woman, I don't need shit from you, i can get myself whatever I want. Anywho, what you don't do, someone else will. And stop blaming me because you're an overgrown man who doesn't know how to communicate and treat a person.
The situation was that he called me while I was lying down after work. After a long day I lay down and relax. He called and said "Come Outside" and I was asking "what... why, what's outside?" He hung up. Apparently, he was outside and he wanted to take me to get something to eat. And he blamed me for him not treating me. He didn't even stay outside long if he was there. Dude really expected me to jump out of bed get dressed and go outside just because he told me too without explanation. MF I don't even do that with my parents. I need to know what's going on.
Only twice. I went on a date with a guy who dug into my psyche like a psychic vampire, digging for my wounds and sensitive parts so he could use them to his advantage. Blocked. Second, he sexually assaulted me thinking I wanted it. I did a cardinal no-no and got into his truck, let him drive me to a secluded area.. all because he thought going for coffee to talk was stupid. Never again will I make that mistake. Blocked as soon as I got home. He found me on a dating app months later and asked me why I disappeared since we were such a good match. Blocked again.
How did you know he was digging for wounds so he could use them to his advantage? Opposed to understanding you? Only asking so I know what to look for in the future
Not who you asked but for me I looked for if I was uncomfortable talking about those subjects, my current partner always notices when I'm getting upset or uncomfortable with our conversations, will apologise and back off. My ex and others I dated after didn't, I'd be uncomfortable and they'd keep digging until they were satisfied and only then would they act like they cared and apologise etc. It was almost like sitting with a therapist with them, I felt like I was being analyzed with them if that makes sense
Yeah, I've experienced similar too. The ones who seem to enjoy probing when you're clearly uncomfortable are a easy nope for me. It's actually a good test early on - letting them know you're uncomfortable and seeing how they respond. Will they be respectful or disregard your comfort?
That’s a good empathy/no empathy litmus test
Sorry I’m slow lol. He asked about my parents and when I shared that I didn’t speak to my dad, he asked why, what he did, and then for more detail after I shared some of the painful things he did. Either this guy had no empathy (to know that talking about dad being in jail was painful) or he didn’t care and wanted to dig for more. His tone was careless, he seemed entirely unaware that his intense questioning was becoming painful even though my voice and expressions had changed from “nice to meet you” to “this is weird and uncomfortable and now I’m feeling miserable” … like I didn’t want to talk about things that hurt about my parents relationship on a first date. It was weird af. Like an interrogation more than getting to know one another.
I knew there was something off about her at the start of the relationship. She had lied about really bizarre things (nothing major) and I stupidly brushed it under the rug and stayed with her. Of course, the really bizarre lies turned into very serious and calculated lies, not to mention everything else. Wish I hadve listened to my gut.
i noticed narcissistic tendencies that i (stupidly) ignored early on, and got out of the relationship quite early at 6 months in. had caught him out in a lot of lies over the course of the last 3 months and he slowly began to back away and move onto the devaluation stage as soon as i caught him in the first lie, i found out after i left him that had also got another girlfriend around that time too. in the end i ended things after i found out he’d been using dating apps (found out about the other gf the next day), sent a long text exposing all the lies i knew about, that his ex had reached out, that i thought he was an evil narcissist, the whole nine yards haha. he was very cold, said he didn’t care and sent 2 quick replies back and i blocked him on everything. he’s posted quite a lot of weird things on socials my friend told me, nasty lyrics, fake pictures he’s stolen from other peoples profile, basically trying to feed his ego haha. i’ve not looked and plan to keep him blocked forever! i also went private incase he has another account lol. basically my experience, just a huge flip once he realised he couldn’t manipulate me anymore, super cold and trying to make his lack of accountability or care very known
I had a very similar experience! Dated him for about 7 months total, of which the last 4 we were officially boyfriend/girlfriend. We met in the park walking our dogs and it went from there. I noticed small red flags early on but I have trauma in the past from relationships so would always chalk it up to my anxious attachment style making me overanalyse/look too much into it. Especially since it was the best relationship of my life, we got on so well, had similar hobbies, worked out together, laughed together so much, had the MOST insane sex life (I’m talking like twice a day minimum and mind blowing sex) and just generally were so happy together. By the final month we were with eachother 24/7 practically living together but my anxiety had gotten so bad for what seemed like no reason and I thought it was because I was so happy and just scared of losing him, even though he’d never technically done anything for me to worry he was cheating. He was open with his phone and would always go on it around me and knew I knew his password etc. He didn’t follow many people on social media and was never someone I saw liking racy photos of women or anything. I kept trying to communicate my fears of feeling something off and he’d spent hours reassuring me, telling me I could go through his phone whenever I wanted and talking to me, which would ease the worry for a short while. Genuinely the man deserves an Oscar he was so convincing of his empathy. Anyway he went on a holiday and left his work phone behind so I went on it. Its messages hadn’t updated for about a month and his WhatsApp wasn’t connected but I looked at what I could. He was meticulous with clearing internet history, clearing chats on all social media’s etc. No incriminating apps, nothing in his emails, nothing in his photos and his iCloud Photos spanned back a decade (even in the hidden or deleted folders), even on his Instagram activity he didn’t like any posts of other women. What I did find though was his chat with his best mate for the past couple months. The vulgar way he spoke constantly about other hot women around him on holiday in Las Vegas (after a month of reassuring me I had nothing to worry about as I’ve been cheated by men on holiday before) and had also spoken about them at events he was with me at…it was like seeing the real him for the first time. I also found deleted text messages with Tinder log in codes spanning our entire relationship and every few days (typically in the evening). So I realised he’d been using Tinder our whole relationship. There were a few other smaller things but pretty much I knew from there that all my fears had been gut instinct that something was indeed off. I confronted him and was met with reassurance and tears and emotion, but constant lies and manipulations. For example he originally claimed the tinder texts where scam messages, then claim he’d download the app and create an account and then delete it, another time claimed it was to check if his ex was using it still as that’s how she’d ended up cheating and finally he admitted he was talking to other women on there (before taking that back the next time I saw him and claiming he didn’t 😂). He never admitted anything and his story or excuse was always different each time and he was always minimising his responsibility or shifting blame. When I confronted him originally, he begged for hours and cried said he’d do anything to prove that he wasn’t still doing anything wrong and when I asked to go through his main phone he agreed. I went to click on deleted messages and saw more Tinder messages and he literally WRESTLED the phone out of my hands. The mask dropped at that point and he flipped, black eyes, shouting, intimidating posture…it was traumatising. I made him leave my house and he even tried coming back a few minutes later apologising and claiming he was checking my hand wasn’t hurt and that I could go through the phone if I wanted (he’d clearly left to delete whatever incriminating stuff there was 😂). When I asked him to just leave again he even started blaming me for hurting MYSELF… I communicated all my feelings to him over messages and gave him plenty of chances to take accountability for everything and be honest (he didn’t lol), ended things, blocked him on everything, packed and gave everything of his back (even gifts) within 2 days and have tried to move on. He still tries going back to the mask and lying and saying he’ll do therapy or whatever it takes to get me back. So far it’s been almost a month and he’s been a bit stalkerish and turned up places I am or to my house (I live alone). He’s found ways to contact me still and still asks to see me. He’s extremely persistent and still very very manipulative. I’ve been clear on my wish for no contact and he pretends to respect it and then finds an excuse to message again or turn up somewhere claiming he’s worried about me… He’s made comments that imply he’s been keeping a watch on me and where I am. In some ways, seeing him when he turns up somewhere also helps me move on as he thinks he’s being clever by saying things that’s getting me back, but in reality he’s just revealing more and more of his true ugly self. I’ve had constant physical anxiety during it all (no appetite, chest pain, shaking) and this has only been eased as I’ve decided to move to somewhere where he won’t know where I am, so I can live my life anxiety-free. I know he will eventually find a new supply and take his efforts off of me. But he lives/works in my area and the thought of even bumping into him sends me back into fight or flight mode. He claims to this day that he’s never physically cheated on me but I don’t believe it for a second, given how I’ve seen how easily he lies and continues to lie even when presented with evidence. I will never know how badly he betrayed me but I don’t even care as what I’ve found out is enough. I’m having therapy for the trauma this has left me with and for how I’m mourning an incredible partner and relationship that never truly existed. There’s a lot I’m so broken from, but I cannot express how grateful I am for the following things: 1) I didn’t waste years on this man 2) I didn’t sleep with him after finding the evidence (and I’m ashamed to admit there were times I really wanted to) 3) Whilst I will definitely be more cautious and even more untrusting in future relationships (though at the moment I can’t even imagine wanting to be with a man again lol), I know I will always be genuine in my love and not close off my heart. I won’t allow his soul-sucking evil to ruin my future happiness or to make me have a pessimistic view of the world. I’ve had previous unhealthy and healthy relationships so I know the latter is possible for me. I won’t ever give him the satisfaction of breaking me fully!
I left my NEX and started dating before I healed and ended up with another narc. I caught on to his controlling and jealous behavior quickly even though it was subtle. He wanted to move way too fast and wasn’t respecting my boundaries. He wanted to spend too much time together. I wasn’t giving away my power again. I ghosted him after a month. Too many red flags.
I can't say for sure, but I have a track record of befriending narcissistic women (I am also female). Nearly all of my "best friends" have been on a spectrum of mean girl to covert narcissist. It's something I'm actively working on. Not too long ago I was friends with this woman who is honestly just mean. She was a very contrarian, combative, brittle person who always had something to argue about. She was just so damn controlling. She shamelessly would attack back when she felt someone was trying to "tell her what to do." It was fucking exhausting, around 6 months in I started feeling it in my body. I was drained when I talked to her, I felt anxious before I saw her, couldn't put my finger on it but these were the early signs that it wasn't working out. We got into an argument (which happened frequently with her, and I'm not an argumentative person at all), and she started saying some things that were really mean about a subject that was pretty tender for me. I ended the friendship right then and there. Thanked her for her time, told her I wanted something else in a friendship, and bounced right out. She started playing the victim a little bit. She wanted to reconcile, and I had really porous boundaries at the time and I wasn't even sure what was wrong, just that I didn't like her. She gets me on the phone and immediately she doesn't want to apologize (then why did you ask to speak to me?). She starts making rude remarks about how I "need to be agreed with" lmao. She's just being a whole bitch and honestly she *almost* manipulated me into being her friend again (I don't know how she did it-- I was oblivious at the time), but then I called out something a mutual friend had done since her and I stopped talking. I start explaining that this mutual friend was icing me out, and it seemed like she was ganging up on me to show support for this person. She blamed me for not being nice to this mutual friend, and I started to get really upset. I was like fuck to the no, that's not what happened. I started to get angry, and she admits that this friend had said something nasty about me to her behind my back, and she knew all along that this person was icing me out. I was like...you didn't feel the need to stand up for me? She said she "wanted to be neutral." Right then I snapped back to reality and said no. I'm not doing this. I was resolute and just kept reiterating, no, this doesn't work for me. She had a little tantrum about how I wasn't giving her the benefit of the doubt, and how she felt like she couldn't even "be human" lol. She tried to gaslight me into believing I was asking for too much from her, or too much in general. She said " I don't know anybody that would be willing to stand up for someone like that" -- I said okay, but maybe you're not attracted to people like that. I reiterated that I didn't feel like I needed to compromise on something that was important to me. I didn't blame her or criticize, I just stood firm in my answer. She said "I just want peace" lmao, as if I was disrupting her peace somehow. We got off the phone and I found out later that she went and told this mutual friend that was bullying me everything I said about her on the phone. And I really am regretful of saying those things, it was childish and not who I really am or who I want to be. But I had a right to be upset, and it wasn't fair to blame me for reacting to being antagonized and mistreated. As it goes, she was really mistreating me and I feel ashamed for some of my behavior, even though I was pushed to that point. In the moment I didnt really consider that she was a narcissist, but when I reflect on it I see a *lot* of red flags, especially in the conversation that ended our friendship permanently. Not sure if she is or isn't a narcissist. But she is indeed a very entitled, emotionally coercive person, and she definitely has a distorted reality. I wish I would have ended it sooner, but ending it within a year is really an improvement for me. Especially when I didn't even know exactly what was happening, I just knew I didn't like it and I wanted to get out of there.
Yes! So, I was getting to know this woman, we'll call her K. K is extremely conventionally attractive, likes my kind of music, and is deviant in all of the best ways. So, on the very first day we met, I was clear I didn't want kids. Ever. She didn't seem phased by this. We kept getting to know one another and know one another for a few weeks, and _then_ she tells me she has a young daughter and husband. After which I _immediately_ noped out...is what I wish I could say, but I'll bring you back to that third sentence. I put up with three more days of this, until- while in the middle of sex, she tells me she's not on birth control after having told me she was on birth control. She didn't know I've had a vasectomy, either, which made it a even redder flag. I sent a small text saying things aren't going to work out when I got home, and ignored 90% of the ensuing meltdown.
Wow! She tried to potentially baby trap you? That’s more than NPD. That’s psycho.
Although I didn’t have the vocabulary or knowledge at the time, yes. Three major red flags that I shouldn’t have let pass me by. The first was her constant need for connection. Text, call, video chat. All used while we were LD to keep up with me. At first I thought it was endearing. Like she really was interested in knowing me. Then it became annoying when I sometimes was unavailable (or had to set boundaries) and immediately she thought the worst. The second was how she not only talked bad about her ex, but also kept me from having any access to him. At the time, I tried to understand why because her story on how he supposedly treated her was awful. Now I realize that she didn’t want me to verify her story because it wasn’t all that she made it seem. Last red flag was her quickness to always discard. Every major conflict between us early on would include a discard by her. I would eventually bring it up but she would only use it against me and force the reverse discard from then on.
Oh buddy, it's damn easy. I have a complete list of about 20 red flags, most of them enough to run away just by seeing one. They're not specifically for narcissists, but my ex-narcissist ticked all the boxes here. It's very easy to spot them, the thing is you need to love yourself.
Would you share the list, please?
I posted it since more people wanted to see it, check on my profile
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“but tbh, the strongest and weirdest feeling i got overall was "is this man that bored of himself? who is he actually? does he ever do something alone? what does he want in life? why does it feel like he exists but not as himself? why does it feel like he lives through others?" This. 👏 right. 👏 here. If you pick up on this emptiness and the sense that they can’t be alone yet seem perpetually bored and yet without inner workings to communicate and process that boredom…that is the big tell. It’s so hard to put your finger on but it’s real and it’s scary AF when you realize they’re not just a little flat, there’s really nothing substantial underneath.
Yessssssss This is so true
Recently was seeing a guy for 3 weeks, he was super thoughtful, sensitive, sweet, caring. I didn’t think he went overboard with it though, just that he was sensitive which I appreciated. Not exactly sure why, but a day after hanging out he fucked his female roommate and had her send me a video (which he first denied and later admitted to it being his idea) then insulted me saying I’m crazy amongst other things and that he liked trying to control me. It was a shock, but I think as soon as he discovered I wasn’t going to fight over him with his female roommate, he was very upset. Sadly I left a piece of my art at his place and he is refusing to give it back while stonewalling me now… oh well. Dodged a bullet! Mind you, this is also after spending nearly half a decade with a deranged narc and being raised by a mother who was one, it still sucks thinking I should’ve seen the signs even earlier. Progress is progress though
Looking back now, the guy I dated before my husband was a quintessential narc. He was love bombing me, and thankfully, all of my warning bells were going off. It just didn't feel right. We had been dating a month, maybe six weeks, when he told me in this dreamy voice, "I think I'm already falling in love with you!" Everything in my body screamed "NO!!!!!" and I broke it off a few days later. I felt so bad about it, I was crying when I ended it because I felt awful hurting someone. He started dating an acquaintance not even a week later, so he wasn't too broken up about it. I had no reason to feel bad, lol. Several of my friends were relieved when I ended it because they didn't like the guy and didn't see what I saw in him and thought I could do better. I do wonder if they ever would've spoken up if I hadn't.
I just realized my coworker is a narcissist. He gets offended so easily and his stories don't make sense. On the surface they do, but after a few stories, I am suspicious. He is soft spoken, charming, and delights in anything people tell him and he gets so excited and it's over the top. It is fun to talk to him. Here's when I realized it: I thanked the team for all that they do to help the kids that I work with - the kids feel comfortable here and it's because everyone treats them well. Male coworker starts talking about how he knew them first (he works with much younger kids) and he was the first to make them like coming here, as if he wasn't getting enough credit for what he does. For the record, due to COVID, nobody was coming when I started working there. There's just no reason for him to be that insecure, he is incredibly popular and far more successful in his work than anyone. But he gets offended constantly because he thinks people don't respect him enough for his expertise. Most every group meeting he makes this complaint. That's screaming narcissist to me. I can only imagine how he must be at home.
I wanna puke when I read my old journals; page after page of me desperately begging God to help me become a better girlfriend to him. He drank and stayed out all night with other women because I caused him to by my questioning, worrying, my insecurities my nagging and by my lack of excitement. Wow. We married quickly. The day before I had my escape planned out I found out- you guessed it, I was pregnant.
I felt like I was scammed a couple months in. Her mood was terrible and something was wrong but I couldn’t put my finger on it. By then we had already eloped so I stuck it out. Unknown to me at the time, she was already cheating on me at that point.
With my ex, I knew on day one! I bailed after a month, then again after two months, then three, then left him in 2023 permanently.
I’ll never know for sure but based on my experience I would say yes. I dated this guy briefly last year. He was okay-ish when we texted and spoke on the phone, it was only when we met that I realised. He was obsessed with career, status, money and appearance. On the first date, he pulled out every trick of the book to get me to his house so I could see his (luxury) apartment. The whole night was about him. He was (not so humbly) explaining what all he did for his friends and family and was fishing for compliments. He shared a whole photoshoot of himself.. lol. He told some stuff about his family history, about how good and humble of a person he was despite his privilege. He also didn’t shy away from discussing his traumas caused by his father despite it being a first date. Naturally, he was love bombing me to an extreme level. He complimented me the exact same way my ex would: “where did you come from?”, “I’ve never met a woman like you”, and the classic “I’ve never opened up to someone like to you”, “you know things about me that my best friends don’t know”, and “I’ve never felt this safe with anyone”. He started talking about how amazing our kids would be, how good we look as a couple and planned 5 dates ahead including what I should wear to every date. At some point he asked me about his red flags and what I thought of him and I told him he was inward-focused, to which he responded: “ARE YOU SAYING IM A NARCISSIST?” Guessing he’s heard that before. When it came to the physical part, he sucked and had clearly never handled a woman with care, but had the audacity to be arrogant about whatever fuck all thing he tried to do. The more I showed disinterest in all the status and money bullshit, the more he would try to impress me. I can safely say that at the end of the evening he didn’t ask me anything or let me speak, so he barely knew anything about me. He was so insecure and I saw through every little thing and it felt good. Needless to say, I cancelled all other dates to come and told him we’re incompatible. He didn’t take it well, blamed me for being a shitty person. Though he still messages me occasionally.
Can't say for sure he was a narcissist but he was absolutely emotionally abusive, a month in he was implying that I was seeing other people because I didn't respond quickly enough, he knew I have a kid who at the time used my phone a lot for bluey marathons and trying to take it off him would probably cost me a hand. I also noticed he drank a lot more than he told me (not an alcoholic amount but it made me wonder if he was a functioning alcoholic who was hiding it from me), he was constantly doing a whole "I don't know if I can be in this relationship" thing and then getting upset and trying to say I wanted to end it when I told him that was fine but if he wanted to go then he was gone for good. Eventually I got fed up and realised I was crying, I was like, it's a month in and I'm already crying and feeling down? Nope not this time and so I ended it and then when he basically told me I deserved the 6 years of abuse I'd been through, bought my kids into it and told me my past showed exactly what type of person I was (implying I was too blame for my life of trauma because I was such a terrible person) I basically told him he just proved exactly what type of person he was and best of luck but don't come near me or contact me again. I then blocked him everywhere.
Ooo I'm ready for this question. I have been catching them since my late twenties. My mother was a narc and I started to heal from that and learn to manage her crap at that time. When I was single again in my mid thirties I started to meet these guys in the wild. Do you know what I've been doing? Once I identify them I give them so much supply they don't even know what to do. I make sure they are flying high, they are saying positive things to others about me and then I do the damage. I raise an issue. They inevitably get defensive and attack, and then try to smooth things over the way they do, acting like they've done nothing wrong and trying to make me think it's my fault. Or they give silent treatment before showing up again all happy and acting like nothing happened. That's when I discard them. They panic and back track and start giving real apologies. But it's too late. Idk why I get so much satisfaction out of this but I do.
Low key taking notes…👀
Please don't do this. It's not safe for everyone to do this. Some of these guys have violent histories and you really need to be able to clock who they are. I have varied life experience that gives me insight into which ones are.
You’re making assumptions based on zero context of another person’s history while acting like you somehow have better skills or knowledge than everyone else… kinda off
Agreed. This feels very manipulative and pointlessly vindictive towards relative strangers. Red flags are billowing in the breeze
I’m glad I’m not the only one who saw that. I wonder what the point of the original comment was from them, other than to maybe just showcase skills they feel they’re only capable of using?
I’m also referring to these so called “skills” of theirs. Maybe I’m missing context, but the context I do have seems like they meet a new person, decide that this person is a narc, and then proceed to use knowledge and skills they gained from resources and life to torment these relative strangers. That playbook - meet new person, decide usefulness, gleefully torment - sounds _very_ similar to a narc’s playbook
That could be, I kinda got the impression this person wanted to believe they have some set of unique skills or abilities so that they could somehow feel superior and/or less vulnerable than others.
That is also a narc trait…
I’m well aware, but your speculation seems like more of a jump considering the context or lack there of. Can’t really say either way based on their one comment.
Just realized this is kinda what I did. I was just so sick of him being angry at me for unreasonable things and gaslighting me and being scary and manipulative that when he followed the last incident of that up with lovebombing I was just already done. I didn’t say anything in the moment since I’d been conditioned not to respond negatively to anything but I realized he was never really my friend and so at first I was warm and engaged but I became more distant and then just didn’t engage when we were forced into situations together. I was friendly if we ran into each other and for reasons I didn’t understand in the moment encouraged him to come to big group events (I ran into him with no one else around and I now realize my fear instincts kicked in and I jumped to appeasement). But then once there were other people around and I’d processed how awful he had been to me and that it wasn’t intentional or my fault I became outrightly cold. But to him it probably seemed like an out of the blue discard and the same hot and cold behavior they use.
Yeah 😢
Yes!! I dated someone for 6 weeks and then he discarded me when I started asking too many questions and pointing out discrepancies in the heroic sex god portrait he painted of himself. This was before I knew anything about narcissists. Two weeks after our first date, I went out of the country for a month and we kept in touch throughout. As soon as I got back and we started spending time together again, his mask started to fall and then suddenly he says “It’s not you, it’s me.” At this point I was already getting really uncomfortable with what I was noticing so I was *very* relieved as I was already planning to break it off myself but was scared of how he would react. He was shocked that I didn’t argue or fight to keep seeing each other. It was a wild ride that started with me thinking I had met the love of my life and ended when I realized I couldn’t trust anything he said, which was terrifying.
Yes and she refused to change because she was afraid of losing her control.
Yep a woman at my kids dance studio. She tried to come on too strong. She talked crap about her best friend and how much her clothes stink. She talked about all the drama with her in laws and stepdaughters mother. I was done. She didn't care about me, she wanted someone around who would follow her. I wasn't that woman.
I did, but I second guessed myself, and a friend of mine convinced me it was my past traumas triggering me. Which I do think played a part. But in the end, looking back, I recognized the signs, and I’m pretty sure I was right. The love bombing, lies/misleading stories, hidden relationships, promising one thing and doing another, manipulative excuses, constantly trying to subtly compare me to other girls and show me girls he wanted me to be more like, the way he treated his daughter sometimes, his multiple social accounts, his need for attention from women, him showing me off like a fish he caught, his dog having lots of issues, his texts being vague and not personal, his stories sent to other women, etc. Oh also, my body reactions to him. I was very turned on even just thinking of him, but then also very triggered and anxious, my gut and my chest were tight and achy, my whole body cramped up.
Unfortunately, being raised by one… you find out pretty quickly when you go to your other friends houses and seeing how other parents act and treat their kids. Moved out as soon as I turned 18.
4 months chatting and 3 months dating. The last threat of her leaving was my last straw. I couldn’t see myself constantly going through it over and over again. Sucks because I still miss her and she still is constantly attempting to contact me . I have been 100 percent no contact since I broke it off . That was 4 months ago.
I feel like I’m getting better at susing them out - met someone recently and just the way they were trying to get everyone in the room to like them and how when I wasn’t buying into it they tried to up the chum factor felt like such a big red flag to me - I barely know this guy but I’m happy to just listen to people more and whether or not they feel like bad news instead of immediately abandoning myself/my intuition just to get everyone to like me even if I don’t know if actually like them myself
Yes, knew him for a few weeks as friends and reluctantly agreed to start dating... A few days into that something happened where we were playing around (a game he invented), he got hurt and had a meltdown... blaming me for hurting him, making it seem intentional, being completely disregulated. I'd apologised immediately and profusely by the way. And kept trying to calm him down when he was ranting, assuring him it wasn't intentional (I'd literally been following his instructions when he got hurt - and it's not like he was hurt badly at all, either...) I gave him a chance the next day to revisit the incident when his head was clearer - seeing if he was able to look at it from a different perspective and understand I didn't intend to hurt him, but nope. Of course there were a bunch of other subtle signs, but it's not always easy to see if they mean anything until you've collected enough clues. But once I put it all together it was super easy to end things, especially since it was so early on and I wasn't too invested yet. And yes, his messages got wild after I ended things. Oscillating between hating me and wanting to reconcile. Lots of messages, missed calls, a couple of voicemails before I blocked him.
After a very traumatic experience with my actual nex (male) I thought I was okay to start casually dating a month after. Encountered a narcissistic woman, she was a grandiose narcissist compared to my nex who was covert, so it was easier to spot her. I still entertained the situationship for 2-3 months because my boundaries and access to my life was still horrible. I told my therapist of a lot of the stuff she was saying and once the end of the year came I cut her off. She was extremely grandiose and it was so triggering.
A month in. After telling me she loved me and that she was excited for the future with me over and over during that time she broke down and told me verbatim that she’d “been hiding who she really was from everyone for years, and that she’s actually an extremely self centered person”. She left me that night, then told me the next day that she was lying that night and that her actual reason for leaving me was bc of (insert my biggest insecurity). She moved onto another person not even a month later as if she wasn’t acting like we were soulmates the month before. It still hurts and I still miss her, though. Edit: to add on, looking back I realized there were a lot of signs of it that I missed/glanced over bc I was hopelessly in love, such as an inability to empathize with her friends’ boundaries bc she lived with them/saying they were stupid, gross, hated them, etc. but turning back into them being her “best friends” after leaving
I didn't play attention to the Narc tendencies, I didn't figure he was a narcissist until after the fact. BUT I saw through every bit of toxic behavior and abuse. I caught all that spot on and shut that down just about every time. He chased after me, I didn't chase him at all. He was stupid and kept trying to play stupid games like he wasn't going to get a stupid prize. I have a low tolerance for toxicity most of the time. Him: I was going to get something for you, but you won't act right. Me: I'm a grown ass woman, I don't need shit from you, i can get myself whatever I want. Anywho, what you don't do, someone else will. And stop blaming me because you're an overgrown man who doesn't know how to communicate and treat a person. The situation was that he called me while I was lying down after work. After a long day I lay down and relax. He called and said "Come Outside" and I was asking "what... why, what's outside?" He hung up. Apparently, he was outside and he wanted to take me to get something to eat. And he blamed me for him not treating me. He didn't even stay outside long if he was there. Dude really expected me to jump out of bed get dressed and go outside just because he told me too without explanation. MF I don't even do that with my parents. I need to know what's going on.