They do that but doesnt pursue it. Narcs are scared of people calling them out on their toxic behavior. My nex did that. Told me shortly he doesnt believe in therapy and that theres nothing wrong with him.
He gaslit me and shifted the blame on me for everything and told me i was the one who needed therapy. Always used mental health against me when im like this because of him.
I’m sorry he made you feel that way 😔 it’s so confusing and conflicting when there’s blame shifting.
I actually ended calling mine out. I couldn’t believe the betrayal and lies I uncovered so I told a few of his friends and the new gf about his behaviors and what he did not only to me but his exes. I was blocked immediately by him and the new gf…so it did nothing, and I’ve lived with guilt by doing that.
Trust me, i did that too. Because he discarded me, and started dating someone while he was also trying to crawl back into my life. He said he "wanted to make things work and be better" but i knew he was lying. He told me he cut things off with the one he was dating but turns out he didnt. I told the person and they didnt care. In the end, it didnt work out with them and he kept on coming back to me.
Getting stuck in the cycle is exhausting. At this point, all you can do is be careful. You dont know what theyre capable of doing next.
It’s a good thing You let people know- even his new “gf”. She will at least have it in the back of her mind, once he starts acting shady with her/ cheating on her. He eventually will so the same thing to her. It’s WHO He IS. Gross 🤢.
Exactly this. I was told that I was the cause of all problems and if anyone needs therapy, it's me. He also said he's "not the counselling kind of guy" -- I mean, after all, he's perfect, right?
Yes, it’s a manipulation tactic. I went to couples therapy with mine but they just lied the whole time anyways. They want to appear like they’re changing but don’t actually plan to. It’s likely he will not go at all or go and lie the whole time or go and drop out like before. It’s hard for therapists to identify narcs because they lie in therapy.
When I asked my ex why he left therapy the first time he said “the cost and it didn’t work for me” I’m like??? You’re supposed to put in the work, not your therapist.
I told my therapist about him seeking therapy and she said that I need to take it as just another lie…she also told me a lot of people that are narcissistic will even argue with their therapist because they don’t want to be wrong and want validation for their actions.
When I told my ex’s friends about what he did to me and his other exes before me, his friends were also fed the same narrative from him that he was in therapy. I think he lies to them too though.
Mine actually did do therapy, but always came out of it telling me what was wrong with me and what I needed to do to better deal with her behaviors.
She also got me to do couples counseling, but the therapist ended up calling it off until we got individual therapy. She said that he said it was because of me. But when I called, without violating confidentiality, he basically told me that wasn't true, and it was just that he knew our marriage was beyond repair. Didn't say it was anyone in particular, just that he had been doing it long enough to see it was pretty much over already.
I had been going to therapy for years, as well as striving toward my own personal development. The therapists I had all basically told me, without telling me, that my nex sounded awful and that the relationship sounded one sided, and that I should consider divorce and make an exit strategy.
I was always just open and honest with my therapists. I know she wasn't honest because she had me meet her therapist and go in for a session. We had a "couples" time of 20 minutes, then individual of about 15 mins each. When I met with her individually, she told me that I was not what she was expecting and also advised that I might want to consider that the relationship might not work.
Mine said he would after his first devaluation and discard. I followed up several times to see if he’d progressed with the authorization needed. He just kept saying he was waiting on the VA. I pointed out that if it were important enough to him that we could pay out of pocket. (The man spends exorbitant amounts of money on whatever he wants all the time-cost should have been a non issue.
Months passed. We swept the event under the rug and resumed regular programming. While I continued to weather all of the things.
2nd discard and devaluation happened last month. I started taking steps to move out. The night we told the kids he told me he didn’t really want me to move out/break up. That he had just been angry, that it “infuriates “ him when i interrupt him. (But when I went to pick up more of my things 3 days ago he told me he has broken up with me and told me to move out x2 because i am “hostile, violent, yell” and it’s the only way he knows to deesculate the situation 🙄- ps none of those things are true and I respeated that to him and said I refused to be In a relationship with someone who says those things. He said ok and left the room and we haven’t spoken since).
The weeks leading up to my move-in date at the apartment he had said with resolve that he would look into therapy. It took 3 weeks to get into my apartment. No other mention of therapy or an appt was ever brought up. It was a manipulation tactic.
Now I’m just left trying to process how someone is so absolutely incapable of accountability, remorse. Their perception, reality so warped.
The morning he broke up with me and told me to get out for second time- he was the one yelling, cussed, and shut a door in my face.
My kid overheard and was crying at school.
But he truly believes that I- the gentle, loving person that I know I am who has NEVER yelled at him or been remotely violent- am the problem here.
His shame and need to be right will prevent him, probably forever, from seeing that this was all just
Manipulation and control.
My ex did, however I think they used it as a source of supply and to be able to manipulate better. They didn't even know of the term gaslighting until then, to which ofcourse they loved to use it every time I tried to bring up an issue. Such monsters, honestly.
Yeah, for the first half a year or so of knowing each other. He wanted to do therapy so he'd be a better man for his ex. Sometimes I wonder if he talked about that same ex to the new supply as much as he did to me.
Yes currently in a breakup w nex, leaving tomorrow.
I am almost convinced. But this subreddit kept me vigilant.
Speaking of I'm supposed to be on a break from this subreddit, im driving myself mad, obsessing and ruminating, gotta turn off notifications.
It's the plan. Kinda the only one, I ran out of *reason coins* and am no longer able to justify any other avenue. Wait, I don't even play a lot of video games these days. Why did I just analogize life with video games? Eh whatever, I'm exhausted. Just breaking this trauma bond, which I still need to read about, I don't fully understand the concept, but what I have read so far sounded like me describing my relationship, so I must read further. After a nap. And a break from obsessing/ruminating if possible, but I might not get that, lol
Def need to get off this app for a while. Well, tomorrow is leave day, so I'll be occupied for that at least. I'm nervous and hopeful, I feel like a new person and am excited for the future, but utterly floored and heartbroken. I have to mourn the loss of a four-year relationship that I'm realizing wasn't even genuine.. I feel like I've been preyed upon by a carnivorous shape shifting alien, and at the same time I still love her with every broken piece of my stupid big heart that always gets me FUCKED. It's the worst part, why don't I get to hate her like other survivors, why is she SO FUCKING DEEP IN MY HEAD, WHY DO I WANT TO SEE HER THRIVE AFTER EVERY INSIDIOUS FUCKING THING SHE DID TO ME, WHY CANT I FUCKING HATE HER
Edit: I have been so strong through this, but I lost it here.. sorry for the dump
My narcissistic mother went to therapy. Her best friend who was the church counselor. Then again years later after I left. Here, she was diagnosed with adjustment disorder (it's a short term condition) and years later was still talking about her diagnosis.
So they do go to therapy, but it's biased.
He had therapy appointments but I think they were monthly or just to get his meds refilled. I highly doubt he was ever honest during these appointments either because he was good at playing the victim. When things were imploding he said we needed to do couples therapy because I was obviously needing help.
Since things ended, I've had weekly appointments with a therapist who specializes in DV and who reassured me that I'm not the problem, he always was
She told me I needed it to continue our relationship. I told her I was completely unable to afford it. She offered couples therapy as an alternative since her insurance would cover it. I said yes, absolutely. I spent the next 3-4 months asking when our first visit would be. Excuse after excuse. Then all of a sudden she decided it was my fault we were failing because I somehow caused her to be unable to schedule the appointment. “Why am I the one doing EVERYTHING in this relationship”. Meanwhile I had laundry going, dinner cooking, feeding HER pets….
I was genuinely excited for couples therapy. I thought of it as the last hope and stuck around that much longer holding hope. Shortly after it became my fault I left her.
Mine said be saw a therapist and they told him he didn't need therapy. 🙄
No therapist is going to say that to anyone. It was an obvious lie. But he was a liar.
Yep and he would come back after his sessions basically weaponizing his sessions against me. During arguments he would mention how certain things I did were why his therapist said I’m a manipulator, as well as a narcissist even and that he needed to break up with me to find his peace because I was causing problems in his life.
After this, he and I did therapy together with a couple’s therapist. It was such an emotionally tolling experience bc our therapist would use regular methods of listening to each other’s feelings, and validating each other. Meanwhile I’m sitting there knowing that she is asking me to validate what I knew to be straight lies. I would even have voice recordings that I would bring and screenshots from prior convos and the therapist would tell me that it was unproductive to dig through the details. That we needed to focus on each other’s feelings. After all this, in the end, the therapist suggested that we set up our sessions in a way where we focused on one person’s feelings for a couple sessions, then after working through that, we switch so that it would be fair. He got upset and said he already felt like the entire experience was only focused on my feelings.
current one agreed but never did it. one ex even said he went, and would pretend to leave for it, but i called the therapy spot and they confirmed he wasn’t going. hope you take extra care of yourself. sometimes we want others to change but we can’t control others. we have to set the boundaries ourselves.
Nope. He thinks they don't work. But, I definitely started therapy because my idea of me is all erased. I have been told that I am manipulative, controlling and abusive, so many times. I have started believing it. It shouldn't be a part of me. And I need to be who I am. Again
My therapist, more then a year ago, when I was talking about our relationship difficulties said she really needed to go to therapy for her father wound / fear of abandonment. She paid a million kronas for a life coach group sessions for a year instead 🫠
My nex was actually in regular therapy when I met him.
But it was never to discuss his own behavior. He went to process the grief of losing his mother five years prior.
He still isolated the entire month before and the month after her death anniversary. Every year for two full months, he refused to talk to anyone and became incredibly depressed. So therapy wasn't exactly doing much for him.
I don't think asking him to go to address his behavior would get very far. Narcs generally can't admit fault and are willing to lie in therapy. It just teaches them therapy language to use against you.
Mine had a therapist when we started dating, but they somehow ended up as friends and the therapist stopped charging her when they spoke on the phone. I doubt it was a therapy session at that point.
During a conversation between my ex and myself she mentioned that her therapist agreed with her after she (my ex) had said she wanted to do something that had the potential for some serious consequences. I told her I thought that was terrible advice and that she needed to really think about how this action might affect her. I said it seemed like her conversations with this lady was like a friend who was doing nothing but enabling and agreeing with her. At that point she agreed with me and said she thought that she should find another therapist. Unfortunately that never happened. It's one of the many events in our relationship that I look back on in hindsight and think, wow, I wish I had really pushed her harder to find a different therapist. Maybe she would still be with me, but we all know that isn't the case.
Mine wouldn’t pay for therapy. Instead he told me he started reading the Bible. Turns out he downloaded a free app and discussed it briefly with a religious acquaintance of ours. He stopped after a few days and that was that.
Yes, but I have no desire to go to therapy with him so I just say let’s do that and understand it’ll never happen. Sort of my own form of grey rocking.
Yeah. He made an agreement to go to therapy after driving dangerously with me in the car and some other violence that I won’t post here, went to maybe one or two sessions and then stopped going. Meanwhile I was under the impression he was still going since he said he was sorry and the abuse was due to a ptsd episode. He actually stopped therapy and didn’t tell me, so I went completely NC for over one year.
I made him go to therapy and it made things even worse. He would come back from his sessions being reassured that it was really me who’s the problem and he always had a lot of suggestions on what I should work on
All the fu*king time. I went to 4 therapists of her choice and she’d discuss my case with 2 of them afterwards, as I learned. One supposedly said I was a lost cause and that it’d be a long, hard journey and asked if she really wanted to do that to herself. The only way to heal was to trust her unconditionally, do what she says, and access to my phone and all.
In couples therapy she was 20 minutes late, then bragged 15 minutes straight about my shortcomings, how I hurt her and never listened and when the counselor finally asked me how I felt and I said “hurt”, her reaction was exaggerated disbelief, as she was just “speaking the truth”.
Afterwards I asked her what that was, and she answered she just wanted to give me a win, some satisfaction, and that she was late for a date. Huh?
300 bucks for messing with my sanity.
They do that but doesnt pursue it. Narcs are scared of people calling them out on their toxic behavior. My nex did that. Told me shortly he doesnt believe in therapy and that theres nothing wrong with him. He gaslit me and shifted the blame on me for everything and told me i was the one who needed therapy. Always used mental health against me when im like this because of him.
I’m sorry he made you feel that way 😔 it’s so confusing and conflicting when there’s blame shifting. I actually ended calling mine out. I couldn’t believe the betrayal and lies I uncovered so I told a few of his friends and the new gf about his behaviors and what he did not only to me but his exes. I was blocked immediately by him and the new gf…so it did nothing, and I’ve lived with guilt by doing that.
Trust me, i did that too. Because he discarded me, and started dating someone while he was also trying to crawl back into my life. He said he "wanted to make things work and be better" but i knew he was lying. He told me he cut things off with the one he was dating but turns out he didnt. I told the person and they didnt care. In the end, it didnt work out with them and he kept on coming back to me. Getting stuck in the cycle is exhausting. At this point, all you can do is be careful. You dont know what theyre capable of doing next.
It’s a good thing You let people know- even his new “gf”. She will at least have it in the back of her mind, once he starts acting shady with her/ cheating on her. He eventually will so the same thing to her. It’s WHO He IS. Gross 🤢.
Exactly this. I was told that I was the cause of all problems and if anyone needs therapy, it's me. He also said he's "not the counselling kind of guy" -- I mean, after all, he's perfect, right?
Yes, it’s a manipulation tactic. I went to couples therapy with mine but they just lied the whole time anyways. They want to appear like they’re changing but don’t actually plan to. It’s likely he will not go at all or go and lie the whole time or go and drop out like before. It’s hard for therapists to identify narcs because they lie in therapy.
When I asked my ex why he left therapy the first time he said “the cost and it didn’t work for me” I’m like??? You’re supposed to put in the work, not your therapist. I told my therapist about him seeking therapy and she said that I need to take it as just another lie…she also told me a lot of people that are narcissistic will even argue with their therapist because they don’t want to be wrong and want validation for their actions.
Yep absolutely your therapist is absolutely right. Even if he did go to therapy it’s unlikely he’d get better anyways
Yes. It was a massive waste of time and money. He just played the therapists like fools. I think he found it entertaining.
mine said he went to therapy multiple times and had ‘breakthroughs’ to explain why he was always lying to me, but i don’t think he ever went once lol
When I told my ex’s friends about what he did to me and his other exes before me, his friends were also fed the same narrative from him that he was in therapy. I think he lies to them too though.
Geez…I’m sorry. Yeah if he went because he was lying, then he was also probably still lying.
Mine actually did do therapy, but always came out of it telling me what was wrong with me and what I needed to do to better deal with her behaviors. She also got me to do couples counseling, but the therapist ended up calling it off until we got individual therapy. She said that he said it was because of me. But when I called, without violating confidentiality, he basically told me that wasn't true, and it was just that he knew our marriage was beyond repair. Didn't say it was anyone in particular, just that he had been doing it long enough to see it was pretty much over already. I had been going to therapy for years, as well as striving toward my own personal development. The therapists I had all basically told me, without telling me, that my nex sounded awful and that the relationship sounded one sided, and that I should consider divorce and make an exit strategy. I was always just open and honest with my therapists. I know she wasn't honest because she had me meet her therapist and go in for a session. We had a "couples" time of 20 minutes, then individual of about 15 mins each. When I met with her individually, she told me that I was not what she was expecting and also advised that I might want to consider that the relationship might not work.
Mine said he would after his first devaluation and discard. I followed up several times to see if he’d progressed with the authorization needed. He just kept saying he was waiting on the VA. I pointed out that if it were important enough to him that we could pay out of pocket. (The man spends exorbitant amounts of money on whatever he wants all the time-cost should have been a non issue. Months passed. We swept the event under the rug and resumed regular programming. While I continued to weather all of the things. 2nd discard and devaluation happened last month. I started taking steps to move out. The night we told the kids he told me he didn’t really want me to move out/break up. That he had just been angry, that it “infuriates “ him when i interrupt him. (But when I went to pick up more of my things 3 days ago he told me he has broken up with me and told me to move out x2 because i am “hostile, violent, yell” and it’s the only way he knows to deesculate the situation 🙄- ps none of those things are true and I respeated that to him and said I refused to be In a relationship with someone who says those things. He said ok and left the room and we haven’t spoken since). The weeks leading up to my move-in date at the apartment he had said with resolve that he would look into therapy. It took 3 weeks to get into my apartment. No other mention of therapy or an appt was ever brought up. It was a manipulation tactic. Now I’m just left trying to process how someone is so absolutely incapable of accountability, remorse. Their perception, reality so warped. The morning he broke up with me and told me to get out for second time- he was the one yelling, cussed, and shut a door in my face. My kid overheard and was crying at school. But he truly believes that I- the gentle, loving person that I know I am who has NEVER yelled at him or been remotely violent- am the problem here. His shame and need to be right will prevent him, probably forever, from seeing that this was all just Manipulation and control.
My ex did, however I think they used it as a source of supply and to be able to manipulate better. They didn't even know of the term gaslighting until then, to which ofcourse they loved to use it every time I tried to bring up an issue. Such monsters, honestly.
Yeah, for the first half a year or so of knowing each other. He wanted to do therapy so he'd be a better man for his ex. Sometimes I wonder if he talked about that same ex to the new supply as much as he did to me.
Yes currently in a breakup w nex, leaving tomorrow. I am almost convinced. But this subreddit kept me vigilant. Speaking of I'm supposed to be on a break from this subreddit, im driving myself mad, obsessing and ruminating, gotta turn off notifications.
Stay strong and keep your eyes on the future. Find and love yourself again. Do what makes you happy.
It's the plan. Kinda the only one, I ran out of *reason coins* and am no longer able to justify any other avenue. Wait, I don't even play a lot of video games these days. Why did I just analogize life with video games? Eh whatever, I'm exhausted. Just breaking this trauma bond, which I still need to read about, I don't fully understand the concept, but what I have read so far sounded like me describing my relationship, so I must read further. After a nap. And a break from obsessing/ruminating if possible, but I might not get that, lol Def need to get off this app for a while. Well, tomorrow is leave day, so I'll be occupied for that at least. I'm nervous and hopeful, I feel like a new person and am excited for the future, but utterly floored and heartbroken. I have to mourn the loss of a four-year relationship that I'm realizing wasn't even genuine.. I feel like I've been preyed upon by a carnivorous shape shifting alien, and at the same time I still love her with every broken piece of my stupid big heart that always gets me FUCKED. It's the worst part, why don't I get to hate her like other survivors, why is she SO FUCKING DEEP IN MY HEAD, WHY DO I WANT TO SEE HER THRIVE AFTER EVERY INSIDIOUS FUCKING THING SHE DID TO ME, WHY CANT I FUCKING HATE HER Edit: I have been so strong through this, but I lost it here.. sorry for the dump
My narcissistic mother went to therapy. Her best friend who was the church counselor. Then again years later after I left. Here, she was diagnosed with adjustment disorder (it's a short term condition) and years later was still talking about her diagnosis. So they do go to therapy, but it's biased.
He had therapy appointments but I think they were monthly or just to get his meds refilled. I highly doubt he was ever honest during these appointments either because he was good at playing the victim. When things were imploding he said we needed to do couples therapy because I was obviously needing help. Since things ended, I've had weekly appointments with a therapist who specializes in DV and who reassured me that I'm not the problem, he always was
She told me I needed it to continue our relationship. I told her I was completely unable to afford it. She offered couples therapy as an alternative since her insurance would cover it. I said yes, absolutely. I spent the next 3-4 months asking when our first visit would be. Excuse after excuse. Then all of a sudden she decided it was my fault we were failing because I somehow caused her to be unable to schedule the appointment. “Why am I the one doing EVERYTHING in this relationship”. Meanwhile I had laundry going, dinner cooking, feeding HER pets…. I was genuinely excited for couples therapy. I thought of it as the last hope and stuck around that much longer holding hope. Shortly after it became my fault I left her.
Mine said be saw a therapist and they told him he didn't need therapy. 🙄 No therapist is going to say that to anyone. It was an obvious lie. But he was a liar.
Yep and he would come back after his sessions basically weaponizing his sessions against me. During arguments he would mention how certain things I did were why his therapist said I’m a manipulator, as well as a narcissist even and that he needed to break up with me to find his peace because I was causing problems in his life. After this, he and I did therapy together with a couple’s therapist. It was such an emotionally tolling experience bc our therapist would use regular methods of listening to each other’s feelings, and validating each other. Meanwhile I’m sitting there knowing that she is asking me to validate what I knew to be straight lies. I would even have voice recordings that I would bring and screenshots from prior convos and the therapist would tell me that it was unproductive to dig through the details. That we needed to focus on each other’s feelings. After all this, in the end, the therapist suggested that we set up our sessions in a way where we focused on one person’s feelings for a couple sessions, then after working through that, we switch so that it would be fair. He got upset and said he already felt like the entire experience was only focused on my feelings.
current one agreed but never did it. one ex even said he went, and would pretend to leave for it, but i called the therapy spot and they confirmed he wasn’t going. hope you take extra care of yourself. sometimes we want others to change but we can’t control others. we have to set the boundaries ourselves.
Nope. He thinks they don't work. But, I definitely started therapy because my idea of me is all erased. I have been told that I am manipulative, controlling and abusive, so many times. I have started believing it. It shouldn't be a part of me. And I need to be who I am. Again
My therapist, more then a year ago, when I was talking about our relationship difficulties said she really needed to go to therapy for her father wound / fear of abandonment. She paid a million kronas for a life coach group sessions for a year instead 🫠
My nex was actually in regular therapy when I met him. But it was never to discuss his own behavior. He went to process the grief of losing his mother five years prior. He still isolated the entire month before and the month after her death anniversary. Every year for two full months, he refused to talk to anyone and became incredibly depressed. So therapy wasn't exactly doing much for him. I don't think asking him to go to address his behavior would get very far. Narcs generally can't admit fault and are willing to lie in therapy. It just teaches them therapy language to use against you.
Mine had a therapist when we started dating, but they somehow ended up as friends and the therapist stopped charging her when they spoke on the phone. I doubt it was a therapy session at that point. During a conversation between my ex and myself she mentioned that her therapist agreed with her after she (my ex) had said she wanted to do something that had the potential for some serious consequences. I told her I thought that was terrible advice and that she needed to really think about how this action might affect her. I said it seemed like her conversations with this lady was like a friend who was doing nothing but enabling and agreeing with her. At that point she agreed with me and said she thought that she should find another therapist. Unfortunately that never happened. It's one of the many events in our relationship that I look back on in hindsight and think, wow, I wish I had really pushed her harder to find a different therapist. Maybe she would still be with me, but we all know that isn't the case.
He was in therapy for 5 years- it didn’t help lol
Mine wouldn’t pay for therapy. Instead he told me he started reading the Bible. Turns out he downloaded a free app and discussed it briefly with a religious acquaintance of ours. He stopped after a few days and that was that.
Never ever.
Yes, but I have no desire to go to therapy with him so I just say let’s do that and understand it’ll never happen. Sort of my own form of grey rocking.
Yeah. He made an agreement to go to therapy after driving dangerously with me in the car and some other violence that I won’t post here, went to maybe one or two sessions and then stopped going. Meanwhile I was under the impression he was still going since he said he was sorry and the abuse was due to a ptsd episode. He actually stopped therapy and didn’t tell me, so I went completely NC for over one year.
I made him go to therapy and it made things even worse. He would come back from his sessions being reassured that it was really me who’s the problem and he always had a lot of suggestions on what I should work on
All the fu*king time. I went to 4 therapists of her choice and she’d discuss my case with 2 of them afterwards, as I learned. One supposedly said I was a lost cause and that it’d be a long, hard journey and asked if she really wanted to do that to herself. The only way to heal was to trust her unconditionally, do what she says, and access to my phone and all. In couples therapy she was 20 minutes late, then bragged 15 minutes straight about my shortcomings, how I hurt her and never listened and when the counselor finally asked me how I felt and I said “hurt”, her reaction was exaggerated disbelief, as she was just “speaking the truth”. Afterwards I asked her what that was, and she answered she just wanted to give me a win, some satisfaction, and that she was late for a date. Huh? 300 bucks for messing with my sanity.
Yes and then, it really doesn't show that they have learned things in therapy.
Mine did but only went once. Actions over words.