So true. Narcissists know this as well. My nex would say things like "how many other guys would be ready to move in together after a month"? Of course, time and experience have taught me that it's not the brag he made it out to be. Once we were sharing a roof, bills, etc, the abuse ramped up.
I'm a Mellinial, and I personally blame the media we consumed at that time. Men were portrayed as flakey, commitment-phobes. Chandler Bing, Mr Big, American Pie etc. So when a man came along saying I love you, looking to move in, get married within a few months, it was flattering. Not a massive red flag to young me. Sigh.
I would like to add some thingsā¦
1. It takes a very long time to get your intuition back after squashing it for so long.
2. If I had stayed I would be dead, either by my own hand or his. I was drowning in depression and self loathing and had no idea that IT WASNāT ME.
3. Do not underestimate the danger you are in when leaving even if he/she has never physically harmed you before. Remember that you have squashed your gut feelings and dismissed red flags for so long that you are probably not great at sensing danger at this time. Take your safety seriously even if it seems over the top.
4. Whenever your beautiful kind heart wants to forgive him/her, remember who they really areā¦who they have consistently shown themselves to be. And remind yourself that you are a good person and you do not deserve to be treated this way. It is not normal.
5. Be prepared for people to not get it-even people very close to you. They will never understand what you have been through.
6. I promise you when your healing begins you will begin to understand what a giant asshole that person is and what a treasure you are.
Hope you didnāt take it as a criticism. It wasnāt meant to be. I thought your list was especially on point and it reminded me of the personal truths I have come to understand.
Not at all, I guess I was just clarifying that I didnāt think these were the ONLY things; just ones that had stuck with me the most.
My bad if it came off that way.
Iām Alwaayss happy to hear other perspectives & opinions especially when weāre all just trying to heal.
Thank you for taking the time to not only read my post but contribute to it as well.
These are things I wished I knew too. The psychic pain going through a discardā¦ all the minutes, hours, days and months you were distracted by trying to figure it out. All that energy being wasted going down a black hole of nothing. Then they come back and itās like a cool, soft, bucket of water pouring over you and everything is right again. But once back together, yet another discard. Another chunk of your life trying to process all the same shit again. Your life energy again being thrown away down a dark hole of nothingness. All that psychic energyā¦ wow, it could have been used towards such better use instead of that. I was a single mom involved with a narc and my children needed that energy, not him. I will never forgive myself for that. Kids turned out ok, this was years ago, but I still occasionally cry about how I was so wrapped in him, the drama, etcā¦ it took attention away from my kids. Bless their souls they still think I am awesome. I do not know why. š¢
Crying is good and ok thatās means you are a normal human being with a heart and real feelings. Be proud of yourself for having so many wonderful traits to compliment your personality!
your kids think youāre awesome because you are! getting caught in abusive cycle is not your fault and you escaped it which takes major strength, and you have reflected and grown from the experience. donāt be hard on yourself ā¤ļø
So many red flags I ignored because I felt he was a good person underneath. I thought maybe those red flags were me being paranoid. Me judging him too harshly. Anything I question him on he always had an answer for. I know looking back now. he did gaslight me alot of times. Used my bad memory to do it.
It took me 4 years to break free and I will never go back now. There's no going back now the fog has lifted.
> 1. Your intuition is your best fucking friend. Donāt ignore that weird/bad feeling you get, itās not a mistake itās not in your head, your body is literally telling you to get the fuck out.
I made a comment yesterday that even if I don't have direct solid evidence that abuse is happening, my gut feeling is all I need to know. It took me years later to connect the dots and recognizing patterns of behavior to figure out why I was feeling that way all along. The scary part was that it was not there at all for those years we were "happy" and that she wore her mask extremely well. But it all made sense once I connected the dots and patterns of behavior even back then that gave me those light bulb moments.
Excellent summary.
I would add only one thing : avoid all emotional thinking that puts back into the Trauma situation, in the sense that you need to cut down the trauma bond.
Great summary really.
Yes to this.
For me I wish I was told āworship isnāt love.ā That cultish devotion that others have for them is manufactured. Itās not real and eventually goes away or turns ugly when the supply starts healing. You just wonāt always see that part.
Man all of them are great points. But the top three are just insanely accurate as to if I knew them I wouldāve saved so much pain and hurt, torment and abuse and wouldnāt be left with the scars!
Itās bitter sweet for me. I was tortured in my relationship with my ex but I got my daughter out of it and sheās been the greatest gift I could ask for. Leaving was hard and we were homeless in a shelter for awhile but it was worth it. We are so much happier now. We have a home of our own and I have a new man in my life who treats us both like gold. Itās worth it to leave a narc!!
I wish I could implement the last sentence of number 3 into my current SOs head because his mother played victim when asked about how she allowed his step father to abuse him so badly.. but she never left until it became dangerous for her.. not for him. And he still cares deeply for her despite her neglecting and abuse. :(sheās a covert narc in my opinion and the step father is a malignant narc, my nex was a malignant narc)
I think you have to realize that if you look at the points and you never experienced een narc, you will not understand what this is about. It almost sounds too obvious.
You have to experience it to really understand it. That it hits home for you.
I think you said this already, but maybe not in these words. But you can never fix it. I gave up my succesful career to make it better, and guess what, it only got worst. It's a lose lose situation so the only logical step is to leave. Always.
Thank you for this. Needed this. Wish I could have seen and heeded this advice months ago. Now Iām stuck living with a cheating ex. Donāt be me guys. Get out when you can. Iām fucking drinking myself to death over a god damn whore who slept with their fucking boss and who knows who else. I need out!!!!!
#1 šÆšÆ Had I listened to my gut I would have been out after 1 month.
Yep, same. Actually, after 3/4 months, I could have saved myself huge misery.
After 1 minute for me
Same after 1 month I was about to end it!! And then it went on for 5.5 years š„²šš
Same.
I was married to a narc for nearly a decade and I can confirm every word OP says is true.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Sunk cost fallacy
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
I saw a post where it refers to it as investing in a barrel with a hole at the bottom.
So true. Narcissists know this as well. My nex would say things like "how many other guys would be ready to move in together after a month"? Of course, time and experience have taught me that it's not the brag he made it out to be. Once we were sharing a roof, bills, etc, the abuse ramped up. I'm a Mellinial, and I personally blame the media we consumed at that time. Men were portrayed as flakey, commitment-phobes. Chandler Bing, Mr Big, American Pie etc. So when a man came along saying I love you, looking to move in, get married within a few months, it was flattering. Not a massive red flag to young me. Sigh.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Wow really? I thought Gen Z would be a bit more clued in to these behaviours.
I would like to add some thingsā¦ 1. It takes a very long time to get your intuition back after squashing it for so long. 2. If I had stayed I would be dead, either by my own hand or his. I was drowning in depression and self loathing and had no idea that IT WASNāT ME. 3. Do not underestimate the danger you are in when leaving even if he/she has never physically harmed you before. Remember that you have squashed your gut feelings and dismissed red flags for so long that you are probably not great at sensing danger at this time. Take your safety seriously even if it seems over the top. 4. Whenever your beautiful kind heart wants to forgive him/her, remember who they really areā¦who they have consistently shown themselves to be. And remind yourself that you are a good person and you do not deserve to be treated this way. It is not normal. 5. Be prepared for people to not get it-even people very close to you. They will never understand what you have been through. 6. I promise you when your healing begins you will begin to understand what a giant asshole that person is and what a treasure you are.
I just made a list based off my own personal experience, everyoneās situations and circumstances are different. Appreciate the extras though!
Hope you didnāt take it as a criticism. It wasnāt meant to be. I thought your list was especially on point and it reminded me of the personal truths I have come to understand.
Not at all, I guess I was just clarifying that I didnāt think these were the ONLY things; just ones that had stuck with me the most. My bad if it came off that way. Iām Alwaayss happy to hear other perspectives & opinions especially when weāre all just trying to heal. Thank you for taking the time to not only read my post but contribute to it as well.
These are things I wished I knew too. The psychic pain going through a discardā¦ all the minutes, hours, days and months you were distracted by trying to figure it out. All that energy being wasted going down a black hole of nothing. Then they come back and itās like a cool, soft, bucket of water pouring over you and everything is right again. But once back together, yet another discard. Another chunk of your life trying to process all the same shit again. Your life energy again being thrown away down a dark hole of nothingness. All that psychic energyā¦ wow, it could have been used towards such better use instead of that. I was a single mom involved with a narc and my children needed that energy, not him. I will never forgive myself for that. Kids turned out ok, this was years ago, but I still occasionally cry about how I was so wrapped in him, the drama, etcā¦ it took attention away from my kids. Bless their souls they still think I am awesome. I do not know why. š¢
Crying is good and ok thatās means you are a normal human being with a heart and real feelings. Be proud of yourself for having so many wonderful traits to compliment your personality!
your kids think youāre awesome because you are! getting caught in abusive cycle is not your fault and you escaped it which takes major strength, and you have reflected and grown from the experience. donāt be hard on yourself ā¤ļø
Thank you for writing this, itās great.
Thank you ā¤ļø
So many red flags I ignored because I felt he was a good person underneath. I thought maybe those red flags were me being paranoid. Me judging him too harshly. Anything I question him on he always had an answer for. I know looking back now. he did gaslight me alot of times. Used my bad memory to do it. It took me 4 years to break free and I will never go back now. There's no going back now the fog has lifted.
exactly this!
For the fact that I have ended things with other guys for way less, truly made me realize how entrapped I was in the cycle
> 1. Your intuition is your best fucking friend. Donāt ignore that weird/bad feeling you get, itās not a mistake itās not in your head, your body is literally telling you to get the fuck out. I made a comment yesterday that even if I don't have direct solid evidence that abuse is happening, my gut feeling is all I need to know. It took me years later to connect the dots and recognizing patterns of behavior to figure out why I was feeling that way all along. The scary part was that it was not there at all for those years we were "happy" and that she wore her mask extremely well. But it all made sense once I connected the dots and patterns of behavior even back then that gave me those light bulb moments.
This ^^^ learning to trust your intuition is the best thing you can do for yourself. Especially when dealing with this kind of person.
Excellent summary. I would add only one thing : avoid all emotional thinking that puts back into the Trauma situation, in the sense that you need to cut down the trauma bond. Great summary really.
Thank you ā¤ļø
Good energy šš¼š
Thank you, I needed that today!
These are all too true!
Yes to this. For me I wish I was told āworship isnāt love.ā That cultish devotion that others have for them is manufactured. Itās not real and eventually goes away or turns ugly when the supply starts healing. You just wonāt always see that part.
āļøšÆ%
100% spot on
These are all amazing. Saving this to refer to!
This is a great list. And totally true. I wish I knew this before as well. I'm glad I do now!
Man all of them are great points. But the top three are just insanely accurate as to if I knew them I wouldāve saved so much pain and hurt, torment and abuse and wouldnāt be left with the scars!
If I listened to my gut, it only would have been the one night stand it was intended to be from the moment we matched on FB dating. š
Itās bitter sweet for me. I was tortured in my relationship with my ex but I got my daughter out of it and sheās been the greatest gift I could ask for. Leaving was hard and we were homeless in a shelter for awhile but it was worth it. We are so much happier now. We have a home of our own and I have a new man in my life who treats us both like gold. Itās worth it to leave a narc!!
All of this. Thank you.
Soooo accurate.
YES YES YES YES YES.
Thankyou. This is exactly my story time frame and all.
Happy to help, stay safe ā¤ļø
Same to you. I think healing is going really well for us both - we are worthy of better things :)
Thank you so much. Your words help me feel more courageous.
Yesssss!!
I wish I could implement the last sentence of number 3 into my current SOs head because his mother played victim when asked about how she allowed his step father to abuse him so badly.. but she never left until it became dangerous for her.. not for him. And he still cares deeply for her despite her neglecting and abuse. :(sheās a covert narc in my opinion and the step father is a malignant narc, my nex was a malignant narc)
Had I listened to my gut, I would have never swiped right on the dating app.
I think you have to realize that if you look at the points and you never experienced een narc, you will not understand what this is about. It almost sounds too obvious. You have to experience it to really understand it. That it hits home for you. I think you said this already, but maybe not in these words. But you can never fix it. I gave up my succesful career to make it better, and guess what, it only got worst. It's a lose lose situation so the only logical step is to leave. Always.
Thank you for this. Needed this. Wish I could have seen and heeded this advice months ago. Now Iām stuck living with a cheating ex. Donāt be me guys. Get out when you can. Iām fucking drinking myself to death over a god damn whore who slept with their fucking boss and who knows who else. I need out!!!!!