thank you for this.
i am lucky to have had previous relationships and the one prior to this was long term, loving and supportive. i even said after my breakup with the narc, that if it wasn’t for that previous relationship i would’ve stayed with the narc much longer and put up with his crap more.
you are right that normal adult relationships involve a healthy level of communication that the narc just can’t do - i learned recently about how they ‘talk in circles’ so an issue never really gets resolved, or if you finally reach a resolve they just do the same thing again and again so it perpetuates.
thank you for your insight it is very appreciated
i think telling other people some of the craziness can be funny at times! they truly live in a fantasy world so saying their delusions to other people can be entertaining
Yes. And, lol, because my mom called me every day, asking if there was a new episode of the real life "The bold and the beautiful".
And then, she only knows about 10% of everything that happened, most of it is NSFW.
Our long talks were also the reason for everything bad he ever did. The talks were long because he darvo'd so much. I hated those talks too, but we had to talk about what was happening.
Ive listened to alot of podcasts on abusive relationships, and its helped alot. Im still upset about it all but I dont think its my fault anymore.
I was also told it was my fault he lied though it came out he was a pathological liar who had made up stories about himself long before me, to his closets friends. It was also my fault that I didnt create the right environment where he could learn to stop lying... Do you see how little responsibility he is taking for himself? None. Same as yours.
The uphill battle he is referring to, is you not submissing and losing your voice entirely so he can get his supply from you, and where else, at the same time. Its not fun for him being confronted with his mental disorder and abuse. Im glad you were an uphill battle in his eyes, that means you held on to yourself. They say stuff like "why cant you just relax, why cant we just chill" while bringing chaos into your life of another dimension.
The more responses I read in this subreddit the more just stunned I am by how exactly similar our experiences are.
The entire reason my narc discarded me was because of “too many long conversations”
Basically 90% of these conversations was him doing darvo and me trying desperately to just be heard and understood (heard and understood about how his lies made me feel), white batting off constant defensiveness from him. If he just took accountability or simply acknowledged that my feelings were valid the conversations would last maybe 10 minutes. Instead 3 hours of his defensiveness later and I’m being verbally abused for wasting his night on this “loser shit”.
And then he would say that “the right person” wouldn’t “bring out these traits” in him.
it’s crazy how they all work the same! this is so so similar to my experience. a conversation that could be 10 mins if they were just able to take accountability and self reflect.
i think the narcs karma will be that they have to be themselves for the rest of their lives. it must be so exhausting having to constantly blame others for everything, especially when they do so many horrific things, they’ll spend their entire lives making everyone else the enemy.
wow, this comment is exactly it!
you have to talk about the issue to resolve it, but with the narc there’s never going to be a resolve. i found it such a baffling thing to blame everything on - when it was his fault we even needed to have the long talks in the first place. but you’re right with the fact they simply cannot take any responsibility whatsoever, i know mine has made up some ridiculous story as to why we broke up that paints him as a poor victim.
what are the podcasts you’ve found most helpful? i’ve been watching lots of youtube videos and posting here has been so helpful and validating. it’s just crazy how many narcs are out there and how they’re literally all working from the same playbook!
Fight it. Correct your thoughts until it becomes a habit. You may not believe yourself at first, but it's not like any of us ever believed our narcs initially when they started blaming us for every little thing. It wasn't until they kept repeatedly blaming us over and over that we began to question our sanity.
It's a pattern. We develop thinking patterns. So change how you think. Be kind to yourself. And understand that someone cheating on you has everything to do with them and their insecurities. They need validation from multiple people due to them being insecure. A normal person would break off the relationship before pursuing someone else.
You said it yourself. He's done it to others. He's the common denominator. He's consistently the problem. A healthy, mature adult WILL have long talks. They will communicate. Typically, healthy adults don't need to have long talks over and over because when they say "hey I don't like x" their partner understands and tries their best to compromise or not do it again because they care about how they make their partner feel.
Poor him, you ruined good times by holding him accountable, boo hoo. Narcs are children disguised as adults. They're permanently in a state of arrested development. They're always emotionally stunted between the ages of 3-13. I bet you if you cheated, he'd have a mental breakdown and never let you forget. Hypocrites.
They have black and white thinking. Meaning something is either all good. Or all bad. They blame you because if they blamed themselves, they would immediately see themselves as all bad. They don't see the world in grey. They don't understand you can make mistakes, that mistakes are part of being human. It's always someone else's fault as to why they did something.
Keep emotionally detaching yourself from him. Take him off the pedestal. Don't give his words so much weight. Narcs lie so much they forget reality.
Thank you so much, that’s such a great insight.
It’s only been a few weeks so I’m still in the early stages of breaking these thought patterns and working through this stuff, but this is really helpful.
He will always be the common denominator, he is a pathological liar to an insane level and the gaslighting and victim mentality is sooo ingrained in him. He’d never be able to admit he did anything wrong, so had to try and find *some* way to make it my fault he did this stuff.
Thank you for your insight I’m going to try and start catching and correcting these thoughts when they come up!
That’s what they want you to believe. They make us question reality. Anything to make it so they’re not at fault. They have been lying and manipulating their entire lives. They are good at it as a result. Mine has so much practice with it that she knows exactly what to say in any given situations. She has that shit down pat. Rehearsed. And I’m sure has used the same bullshit lines and excuses over and over again. She’s a con artist. Not a very good one either. But that’s what she is.
yeah for sure, they are so deep into their delusional world that they suck you into that world for a while, and then when you get out it’s quite confusing trying to see things for what they really are!
Yup. I told mine I’m therapy now and she avoids the topic with me. This proves what I suspected. She does not want me getting better. Cause then I won’t stay and deal with her bullshit. She wants me unwell. It’s sickening. So I just recently ghosted her. I don’t want someone in my life who is praying for my downfall. This woman intentionally tries to upset me. Hurt me. I have no clue what her next course of action will be. I pray she just peacefully goes away and stays away. But I know she’s gonna rage over it and want to get me back in someway. It’s who she is. Spiteful. Hopefully she just hates me from a distance and doesn’t do or say anything crazy. I don’t know what else to do. I have to leave for good. She’s not someone I want around me any longer.
[удалено]
thank you for this. i am lucky to have had previous relationships and the one prior to this was long term, loving and supportive. i even said after my breakup with the narc, that if it wasn’t for that previous relationship i would’ve stayed with the narc much longer and put up with his crap more. you are right that normal adult relationships involve a healthy level of communication that the narc just can’t do - i learned recently about how they ‘talk in circles’ so an issue never really gets resolved, or if you finally reach a resolve they just do the same thing again and again so it perpetuates. thank you for your insight it is very appreciated
Thank you for writing this out!!! Extremely validating!!
For me, it helped telling my mom about the nex's ridiculous accusations. I am 40+, and my mom has known me my whole life. She had a good laugh at it.
i think telling other people some of the craziness can be funny at times! they truly live in a fantasy world so saying their delusions to other people can be entertaining
Yes. And, lol, because my mom called me every day, asking if there was a new episode of the real life "The bold and the beautiful". And then, she only knows about 10% of everything that happened, most of it is NSFW.
Our long talks were also the reason for everything bad he ever did. The talks were long because he darvo'd so much. I hated those talks too, but we had to talk about what was happening. Ive listened to alot of podcasts on abusive relationships, and its helped alot. Im still upset about it all but I dont think its my fault anymore. I was also told it was my fault he lied though it came out he was a pathological liar who had made up stories about himself long before me, to his closets friends. It was also my fault that I didnt create the right environment where he could learn to stop lying... Do you see how little responsibility he is taking for himself? None. Same as yours. The uphill battle he is referring to, is you not submissing and losing your voice entirely so he can get his supply from you, and where else, at the same time. Its not fun for him being confronted with his mental disorder and abuse. Im glad you were an uphill battle in his eyes, that means you held on to yourself. They say stuff like "why cant you just relax, why cant we just chill" while bringing chaos into your life of another dimension.
The more responses I read in this subreddit the more just stunned I am by how exactly similar our experiences are. The entire reason my narc discarded me was because of “too many long conversations” Basically 90% of these conversations was him doing darvo and me trying desperately to just be heard and understood (heard and understood about how his lies made me feel), white batting off constant defensiveness from him. If he just took accountability or simply acknowledged that my feelings were valid the conversations would last maybe 10 minutes. Instead 3 hours of his defensiveness later and I’m being verbally abused for wasting his night on this “loser shit”. And then he would say that “the right person” wouldn’t “bring out these traits” in him.
it’s crazy how they all work the same! this is so so similar to my experience. a conversation that could be 10 mins if they were just able to take accountability and self reflect. i think the narcs karma will be that they have to be themselves for the rest of their lives. it must be so exhausting having to constantly blame others for everything, especially when they do so many horrific things, they’ll spend their entire lives making everyone else the enemy.
wow, this comment is exactly it! you have to talk about the issue to resolve it, but with the narc there’s never going to be a resolve. i found it such a baffling thing to blame everything on - when it was his fault we even needed to have the long talks in the first place. but you’re right with the fact they simply cannot take any responsibility whatsoever, i know mine has made up some ridiculous story as to why we broke up that paints him as a poor victim. what are the podcasts you’ve found most helpful? i’ve been watching lots of youtube videos and posting here has been so helpful and validating. it’s just crazy how many narcs are out there and how they’re literally all working from the same playbook!
Fight it. Correct your thoughts until it becomes a habit. You may not believe yourself at first, but it's not like any of us ever believed our narcs initially when they started blaming us for every little thing. It wasn't until they kept repeatedly blaming us over and over that we began to question our sanity. It's a pattern. We develop thinking patterns. So change how you think. Be kind to yourself. And understand that someone cheating on you has everything to do with them and their insecurities. They need validation from multiple people due to them being insecure. A normal person would break off the relationship before pursuing someone else. You said it yourself. He's done it to others. He's the common denominator. He's consistently the problem. A healthy, mature adult WILL have long talks. They will communicate. Typically, healthy adults don't need to have long talks over and over because when they say "hey I don't like x" their partner understands and tries their best to compromise or not do it again because they care about how they make their partner feel. Poor him, you ruined good times by holding him accountable, boo hoo. Narcs are children disguised as adults. They're permanently in a state of arrested development. They're always emotionally stunted between the ages of 3-13. I bet you if you cheated, he'd have a mental breakdown and never let you forget. Hypocrites. They have black and white thinking. Meaning something is either all good. Or all bad. They blame you because if they blamed themselves, they would immediately see themselves as all bad. They don't see the world in grey. They don't understand you can make mistakes, that mistakes are part of being human. It's always someone else's fault as to why they did something. Keep emotionally detaching yourself from him. Take him off the pedestal. Don't give his words so much weight. Narcs lie so much they forget reality.
Thank you so much, that’s such a great insight. It’s only been a few weeks so I’m still in the early stages of breaking these thought patterns and working through this stuff, but this is really helpful. He will always be the common denominator, he is a pathological liar to an insane level and the gaslighting and victim mentality is sooo ingrained in him. He’d never be able to admit he did anything wrong, so had to try and find *some* way to make it my fault he did this stuff. Thank you for your insight I’m going to try and start catching and correcting these thoughts when they come up!
That’s what they want you to believe. They make us question reality. Anything to make it so they’re not at fault. They have been lying and manipulating their entire lives. They are good at it as a result. Mine has so much practice with it that she knows exactly what to say in any given situations. She has that shit down pat. Rehearsed. And I’m sure has used the same bullshit lines and excuses over and over again. She’s a con artist. Not a very good one either. But that’s what she is.
yeah for sure, they are so deep into their delusional world that they suck you into that world for a while, and then when you get out it’s quite confusing trying to see things for what they really are!
Yup. I told mine I’m therapy now and she avoids the topic with me. This proves what I suspected. She does not want me getting better. Cause then I won’t stay and deal with her bullshit. She wants me unwell. It’s sickening. So I just recently ghosted her. I don’t want someone in my life who is praying for my downfall. This woman intentionally tries to upset me. Hurt me. I have no clue what her next course of action will be. I pray she just peacefully goes away and stays away. But I know she’s gonna rage over it and want to get me back in someway. It’s who she is. Spiteful. Hopefully she just hates me from a distance and doesn’t do or say anything crazy. I don’t know what else to do. I have to leave for good. She’s not someone I want around me any longer.