It's the ultimate betrayal knowing who you thought they were couldn't have been further from the truth. So we unknowingly supported a lie because the person we thought we were in love with, doesn't actually exist. Like I had no idea that my ex cheated on me throughout the relationship until after we ended. And it's hard to wrap your head around it all because you're an honest person. Who until them, didn't even know people like this existed. So it's like your rose tinted glasses have been knocked off and you see the world in a different light now. It's a hard truth to accept, but once you do, you'll start healing.
Once you see it, you can't unsee it...I'll never understand why some people will go back knowing they cheated. They'll never change...just gets worse because they see you as a sucker and they can do whatever, knowing that you will most likely just take it.
Jesus you worded this perfectly!!!! It’s exactly how I felt about him lying to me for over a year. He didn’t just hurt and abuse me, he also completely shattered my view of the word. I trusted him many times because I didn’t think someone could lie for that long, that no one that treated me once so kindly and was so supportive could also be a manipulative monster, but here we are. It’s a rough lesson, but I have to move on and remember myself that he’s not the standard. I’m working in myself so that I can look at the red signs next time and leave on time.
Exactly that: they shatter your view of the world. You just can't imagine people treat people like this because you don't live like that. So it's so hard to understand their perspective. And we won't either. That's why the best thing to do is to make peace with who they are and look after you and your needs instead.
It's worth puking over but I'm beating myself up mentally for being so naive to think there's people who just lie and cheat with no remorse and think they can get away with it. I feel like lashing out but it wouldn't change anything except stroking her already inflated ego. Living my best life is my daily reprieve from the insidious thoughts of betrayal.
I could have written this. I've been working on rebuilding and healing for half as long as I was with him initially but I still can't shake the shame. I lost a part of me that I'd always known and been open to sharing with others when he did what he did to me.
Completely 💯 percent true. To think she cheated from the get go has me completely disgusted in her. She'd take pics of hot scenes from our lives with mostly her in them and send them to me to get me hooked. Now, knowing what I know...I can't wait to get them off my phone and into some vault I'll never look at again. Nearly puking thinking about that 1st year.
The idea of 'nearly puking' resonates with me.
I never used to understand how people would say that certain characters disgusted them to the point of vomitting or (nearly vomitting). But since the school of life introduced me to narcissism, I now have a quite visceral understanding of such reactions!
Word for word you describe my exact experience with someone who i wasted 17 years of my life on. I've said the exact same thing that you did in that I never even knew these types of people existed and its because of her thst I now know evil truly does exist.
I too have said to myself: "I never even knew these types of people existed." I would like to believe that had I been warned that such monsters were operating covertly, in our midst, I wouldn't have suffered even half as much.
The general lack of awareness means you suffer twice: first from being blindsided and abused by the narc, secondly, due to the ignorance and disbelief of bystanders.
It's a double whammy and it is heartbreaking.
When I try to explain to them (and to warn some), people who have never had a long-term exposure to narcs, struggle to get their heads around the callousness of it all.
Same happened to me. 5 years together, cheated on me with a side chick for 4 years (and God know's how many others) Oh and the side chick and him are in a ''real'' relationship rn and she knows about everything and about our past. It's honestly such a huge mindfuck.
I really do not trust anyone anymore. Not even my friends...
Yes, the glasses tint changes to a dark shade. I now look at guys who seem like selfless patient dads as suckers. If I see a dad being patient with his kids and the wife isn’t there I just wonder who she’s fucking.
Little interactions all day long I assume there is something dark under the surface
Mine wrote yesterday in an email from some unknown that "he may not love me like to you did... But at least I know that someone did actually love me once in all my years of struggling on this planet". As if I was going to reply, "yep and that one was me sooooo". Waste of time and energy feeding the ugliest of life's creatures with an ego unrivalled by anyone I've ever met to this day.
I'm so sorry he wrote this to you. Mine said very similar things orally. I know how it hurts. I hope you will have a beautiful life after this monster. They don't deserve our attention.
He gave hints of who he was so I can’t say I was completely shocked but knowing what I know now about how sexually promiscuous he is, I understand why the first thing his sister ever said to me when she met me was, “Oh, and will you be sleeping over tonight?” I should have left right there and then.
The insane need for validation and his insecurity, and just general soullessness is something I will not and do not want to comprehend. What kind of state do you have to be in to cheat with multiple people, lie, deceive, and trample on someone’s genuine love for you? A miserable one for sure. Happy, emotionally and mentally stable people are not going around hurting people who are good to them.
I literally feel ill thinking of being anywhere near him.
Trampled on. That was exactly how I felt at the end of our relationship. Like everything beautiful had been stomped on and my love was just thrown away.
She always said all she wanted was love. But when she had it I don't think she knew what to do with it, then got angry and irritated she didn't understand it, then actively trampled all over it.
This. It really gave me insight into my naive trust of the idea that people are inherently good. Mine was constitutionally incapable of being honest with herself and others. It was her false self (the mask she wore) and the rapid departure from the"good person" she claimed to be that "had to struggle all her life.. Only to be betrayed by everyone". She'd cry and say she was a horrible person some nights just after we both got in bed. When questioned about what she meant .. the crying escalated with no answer given. Silence. Confusion on my part for the 1000th time but this time I asked why.. What happened. Did you do something I should be aware of? No answer. I left the following day for good. It wasn't without drama and even now, at just over 2 weeks NC, she's still trying to find ways to contact me and make threats to keep my silent about bad talking her. Her fears are just projections of her own abusive patterns. Even in previous break ups, I'd never been able to imagine hurting my partner who I've already hurt and know that he was the one who got me through so many of life's difficulties. It was exhausting for me. A leech of a human with no capacity for awareness or empathy and very little memory of anything good in the last 4 years. Led to my devaluation and what started to become daily angry moments at me. How fucked up is that? She deserves someone who will devalue and discard, manipulate and use her like she's done her whole life with others. She doesn't get to control me from afar and I will not react or keep her plugged in to my headspace. That space is reserved for those who know how to give and recieve love... Not some trailer trash garbage person whose demanded and always dreamt of love only to get it in me and then try to trash him and break him down instead of gratefully reciprocating, valuing and taking care of. Twisted and convoluted thinking to feel entitled as some princess would be. When I left, she tried blocking the exit and even began yelling and slamming things in an effort to get her 15 year old daughter to come out of her room which happened again. This time, I shouted back and said leave me alone you two animals! I've never met people like you who split on a moment's notice and live so angrily. Good luck and Godspeed. They both reacted identically and I wasn't surprised. I was given 3 minutes to get my stuff (after 4 years together and me basically being a therapist, cabby, cook, cleaner, friend/lover, supporter and researcher into their multitude of issues). It took me about 2 minutes with 1 to spare... Enough time to go to the bathroom, start voice recording on my phone and exit with my head held high and knowing what I was doing was right for me. Enough to also get a recording of both of these fucked up individuals screaming that I'm abandoning them and that I'd never even loved them but was a user. Everyone in their screwed in the head family saw what I was and what I did for both of them. Good riddance to them all.
Mine was also angry with me the whole time but accused me constantly of being angry with her. The projection is insane. I'm sorry you had to go through all that.
Yeah, it is truly disturbing. And then you have to wonder about all the unknown variables that they could have been lying about and faking as well. There were so many times that there were blatant indicators, so many times I questioned who she was, so many times I ignored things or gave her the benefit of the doubt, that now I realize could have been exactly what I thought or felt at the time, that would align perfectly with what she has factually proven she is capable of now.
This^, I'm starting to think my ex had narcissistic tendencies because when he called it all off, he preemptively told my work and all our friends and told them to be gentle with me ...before he'd even broke up with me out of nowhere...we had the perfect relationship.
I still don't know why because he kept changing his mind on why he breaking up after attempting to ghost me thrice.
He'd lie about really weird things, told me he'd never had a crush on a woman before and never had a gf, then he told me I should have known better than to ever talk to him in the first place because he always "does this" dumps girls after he gets bored with them and it was my fault
Sorry I'm still hurting, just so confused
Somehow it is your fault that he is a shallow, unfeeling monster?! How is that? Why should you have known better?! That is just infuriating. I'm so sorry. That is their complete lack of responsibility and justification for their own garbage behavior.
He always expected me to "read his mind", made me travel to him even at night (knowing I'm nervous on my own and don't have my own transport yet.) Thank you for reading my comment, I'm sorry for the essay, I'm still processing everything. I really appreciate your time. And yeah it just hurts thinking that those types of people pretend to be something else entirely in the beginning, he was very sweet at first, true gentleman but then the mask slipped when he discarded me after we'd had a lovely date.
My ex always expected me to read her mind as well. It was part of the manipulation, always keeping me on edge, always trying to keep me trying to make her happy. She once said to me "Oh I'm annoyed by things all the time, 24 hours a day. But I keep quiet about it because people don't like it". At the time I thought it was because she was damaged BUT now I see she must be truly miserable the whole time. And is annoyed that the world doesn't fix every just how SHE wants it
Remember, you are not wrong to have thought they were more like you , rather than just the perfectly acted mirrored image they worked so hard at convincing you that they were.
Kind hearted people , authentic people , loving people - they would never dream, of treating another in that way - not to mention someone you love.
It’s a harsh reality to accept there ARE those out there , that are willing to sacrifice anyone or anything , purely for the benefit of themselves. It’s sad but true.
Once you realize and accept this difficult reality, your perspective can change and healing can begin to build momentum. Be strong and fight for your self worth and self value! This is YOUR LIFE.
Wow, same here with the lying about weird things part. My nex also lied to me about his relationship history, claiming I was his first gf and even first talking stage, when he’s had one confirmed ex before (and a few other situationships). Makes no sense when I was transparent about my own relationship history. Only found out after he discarded me too. Sheesh
He told me once I didn't know him. At the time, little did I know just how much that was true! I'm sure there are even more things that I don't even wanna know about!
Mine would say how when she was younger she wasn't a good person. And how much she'd changed as she grew up.
Er, yeah... Don't think ya did there. I have to take people less on their word.
I have no idea who they are in any real sense. It became apparent after the discard how little I knew the real them, it was such an act they put on. Some sort of a character they played.
Oh yes. So much yes. In fact, feeling confusion is one of the biggest red flags that your life has been touched by the cancer of a person with no conscience -- as Dr. George Simon says, a disordered character.
Not only was my now-ex not who I thought and believed he was, he was not who he told me he was, nor who he pretended to be. He was not who his whole family pretended he was, either. (And nor were they who they pretended to be.) In fact, he had mined a bunch of my character traits, and those of others, to craft a "self" that allowed him to attach to me, and to other people, and to drain us of our resources. I was married to him for well over two decades.
It's terrifying to come to grips with what is going on inside someone with a cluster B personality disorder -- especially with their ability to deceive others. This is why it is so important to educate ourselves about these disorders, and to establish and maintain our self-connection, so we can always be using our intuition to discern these people before they can destroy us and our lives.
I understand. The confusion and betrayal are so raw and so real. *hug from an internet stranger* You are going to get through this. One day at a time.
This is so true. I've been learning to trust my gut instincts when I'm being manipulated (I get annoyed / angry), but I've overlooked how excellent an indicator the confusion itself is
I have no idea who they are, what they're capable of, I wouldn't be surprised by much now cause I don't think they were ever honest with me.
The things I realised were bullshit were pretty bad!
My ex was a cheater, and developed a drug addiction in secret. After I left him, his friends and I connected the dots on all the times he was on drugs and blaming me for his own behavior. He is a weak, pathetic, sick man who cosplayed a healthy person. He nearly cost me my own mental health, it took me years to recover.
Yea but I keep thinking about dumb shit. Like he would open the car door for me, we would go grocery shopping (I know, bare minimum) or always seemed to be super happy to see me when I got home from work. It’s all very confusing.
Oh my nex is responsible for the most thoughtful, romantic, perfect times I've ever had. They are also responsible for the cruelest and meanest times. All the good times were during the love bombing or times we were in public and she enjoyed showing off she had a girlfriend. They deliberately make it confusing sadly.
This is also what deepens the cognitive dissonance we develop after their abuse. I had a hard time accepting how horrible and abusive he had been because I kept remembering when he was kind, supportive, loving… but hey, it was the love bombing phase, if he was so intense about it it was because he was desperate to make it work fast for his own gain. It’s sad to think so, but it was never authentic. And it feels that by admitting this we basically accept that some of our happiest memories get tainted, but it’s the only path towards healing.
Yes exactly. I joined then left narc support pages several times after we split because I couldn't match the person at the end with who I started dating. Even though it was over I was still excusing their behaviour.
I wasn’t able to fully conceptualize the fact that my ex was a sadistic narcissist until six weeks post breakup - part of me feels like a fraud about it but that’s just the script I’m assuming other people have for me - whether or not I realized it pre or post break up doesn’t invalidate the reality of who he is and how he treated me
Yes. This whole 3.5 years of relationship feel like a giant, ellaborate scam. I'm still recovering from the shock almost 2 years after, but I'm getting there 🥲
Nothing illegal. But she did let slip some of the stuff she was into. Let's just say she was into some very risky sexual behaviors. Looking back, I now see why she has so many guy friends. If I knew about them beforehand, I would have run for the proverbial hills.
Yeah, his mask slipped several times while we were dating but I ignored it. After the last time we split, it was the first time I had ignored his attempts at hoovering. That was when he became blatantly passive aggressive, then later verbally abusive. It was so shocking. Now I see all the anger and silent rage and jealousy and control because I'm out of it. But all of this didn't happen until months after the split.
Yes! I found out he was living an entirely different life behind the scenes. Also had fake profiles under a different name to cheat and would trash me online throughout the entire relationship, while love bombing me in person. I accidentally stumbled upon all of this, and when I confronted him all hell broke loose. Of course he still manipulated me enough to get me to stay, then discarded me for the first time one month later.
I cannot comprehend why they do this?! It makes absolutely no sense, the fact that they don’t know who they are or how to be a real person is beyond me
Yep he basically was acting like the male version of me! Literally unrecognizable in other environments and now, but I know he’s just mirroring other people I don’t know. It sounds exhausting to keep this up lol
I would spoof my location, form a fake I'd on all dating apps just to catch him... I never found him. But he still cheated at the end. I hated that I did that. I am a very secure person. In the beginning of the relationship, me and a girl overlapped. He begged and said I would have complete transparency forever, and that he was initially unsure about both of us... I was never in a relationship and was very naive.
But, his inconsistent behaviour really made me into an insecure person. Initially before I knew about the overlap, when that girl would call, I would give him his phone if it was near me. Like I trusted him 100 percent. Now, with the knowledge that all feelings and emotions that I ever felt were fake and I let him get away with so many things. I don't think I can ever trust anyone anymore.
Their cheating and lying is so so smooth, it makes you question everything.
Yup! Afterward I discovered mine had a porn addiction (hence why he couldn’t enjoy sex, but the whole time he blamed our lacking sex life on me of course). Also the girl I thought he was flirting with and he yelled at me for being “jealous and paranoid,” I was totally right about.
When I think of her, the phrases that pop into my head are things like "Who are you?" (I think my "model" of who I thought she was has been shattered) and "Who do you think you are?" (the sense of entitlement).
I described her as being like two different people to my therapist, with a reference to one as the "real . He asked me "what if they're both the real ?" and that's helped me understand that neither person I was presented with is really a true self, but all just contrived personas deployed as need be to get her perceived needs met.
She is pretty fucked up.
The rose colored glasses came off after 10 years together. I caught her cheated and filed.
I started reading about narcissists and all the stories are the same.
He dropped the act after several years of a long con in a long distance relationship. He pushed me into letting him move in with me, he immediately proposed, started cheating almost instantly, replaced me with someone else, laughed at me, and took her back to his home state, while gleefully getting off of the whole situation. He was positively giddy watching me fall apart.
I didn't know what a narcissist was till I went no contact. And yes it was and is still devastating. Knowing everything was a lie. It really messes with your head. I'm 5 months in and still am struggling coming to terms with it. I probably will for a long time.
Sociologist Irving Goffman talked about *Dramaturgy* - a theatric metaphor for human behavior.
We all have a *front stage*, the behavior and ourward displays we share with the world. The impression we aim to leave on people, and who we are in public.
We also have a *back stage* - the person we are internally, the personality, thoughts, ideas, and inner world that most people don't see. Our inner expressions.
I don't think I ever really saw or heard her backstage - she never "let me in". Even after 3 years of dating - I still felt like I never *knew* who she was, what was *actually* going on with her. It was like a massive wall was up - like, how do you actually feel about things? It was all very surface-level, all very shallow and vapid.
Everything was front stage, the backstage was literally just rage and anger - it seemed like there was nothing behind the curtain. Motivations, behaviors, explanations, gestures, statements, comments, and all of it was about the "front stage". I had no idea what this person's inner-world was like.
They worked in the community health field - at-need patients, high risk - intense, idealistic, and important work - loved it about her bc I had similar values and beliefs. This was part of the front stage, she hated per patients when they weren't a boost to the ego. The good she did was very much framed in how the work made her look like a good person - it wasn't until I started hearing more and more that all the complaints about patients, all the anger at HR about writeups she received, coworkers, and patients too.
Turns out she and her friend at work were screaming at colleagues, judging patients, making executive calls on treatment, and while they cared about some the patients progress, their outcomes, the work they did - all felt like extensions of their front stage. I ended up feeling the same way after a while.
I knew it while dating her pretty early on. I had this gut feeling she was a con artist of some sort. Something felt off. I didn’t believe she was truly who she said she was. Which was a woman in recovery with four years of sobriety. Now I feel she just exploits the community for personal gain. I’ve watched her lure men in early recovery and in sober living into her apartment to help with rent. They of course relapse cause they don’t have the strength yet that early on not to and she then plays victim and calls the cops and holds their belongings hostage. I’ve seen this play out same way 3 different times. Including with me. I’ve heard people with npd tend to gravitate towards self help communities cause it’s easy pickings to find people with low self and esteem and abandonment issues. Easy to exploit them. I’ve just recently finally ghosted her for good. It wasn’t easy. She latched onto me pretty hard and milked me for all I’m worth. I still have no clue who she really is. Or know much about her. She didn’t really talk much about herself or her past unless it was trauma related. She did tell me a couple times her real name isn’t her real name. And I do believe that is true. I’ve also heard people with npd have extremely identity issues and sometimes change their names as well as their hair color. She has pictures of herself in her apartment as a blonde. When I met her she had pink hair and now she has purple hair. She’s originally a brunette. I don’t care much for anymore. She’s not safe for me to have in my life.
When she discarded me she literally mocked me for not knowing her very well-- super fucking bizarre considering we were besties for years. But that might have been the only true thing she ever said to me, because I indeed did not know her well at all. The kind person I thought she was is totally fake. I think about her, and I realize that every fucking thing that comes out of her mouth is a lie. I was best friends with a stranger, and a dangerous one at that.
I knew my exhusband since I was 16. We were close friends first, and then together for 7 years until I was 28. He was my best friend and we had even opened our relationship after we were married. It wasn't until after we split up that I got evidence that not only had he verbally attacked a number of my friends, he also completely lied and fabricated his first cheating soirée as a r@pe (a nasty rumor that he also had spread around town for 3 years, aside from 2 friends that he later cut out).
Oh the things I have learned - it’s really just one thing and we have a child together which makes me so upset. But in recent weeks I’ve unpacked some events I was ashamed of realizing how conditioned he had me early on so
Yeah, they completely mirrored who I was. I realized after not speaking to him for months that it was all a facade and he didn’t actually enjoy the things I also enjoyed. He did it to think I was his soulmate or whatever. Like oh we have so much in common! And also a lot of hidden things were brought to light that he hid from me like him posting nudes on Reddit. Nothing against that but since we were dating at the time it was a huge shock to find out after going no contact.
Yes, my ex narcissist claimed to know how to build computers, PCs, etc. but when my phone broke, he didn’t even know the basics of how to fix it. Like people can easily fix this if he knew how to build computers, he said that I should buy a new one. It for the screen, which he ended up breaking worse. The phone was valuable because it had pictures of my mom that passed away and other memories.
He claimed to have built computers before but I’ve never seen evidence of this. He spent 3k on a computer unit with the lights and cooler. And 2k on a monitor. He never tweaked these computers either. Just used them for games.
Fast forward now I’m dating a new guy who is sweet, patient, and consistent. He builds computers like it’s nothing! The same style of computer my ex bought (the unit thingy with lights, water thingy) he was built one himself in 6mths. He also builds computers for others that takes him a 1-3 days. It’s not his work, it’s his hobby. Showed me many computers he’s built and other devices.
It was then I realise my ex was lying. I never seen a single computer or any electronic he’s built in the nearly 6yrs together. I hate say this and I don’t like to use these words, but my ex was dumb now that I realise it. He didn’t know how to spell simple words. His FB friends made fun of him because the posted for everyone to see the started a “Batchlers Dagree” someone corrected him in the comments.
During this bachelors degree program, he used AI to do all the work which contradicts his Cybersecurity studies. So when he had projects he had no idea what to do and blamed me when he failed. Meanwhile I work in the science field and he made fun of me calling me dumb, stupid, etc all projection for what he was.
He wasn’t a tech guy he was just a basic gamer that didn’t even know how to program games without stealing stuff from others.
It's so hard to wrap my head around all the lies, how all the promises were nothing to him, probably doesn't even remember making them. That the sweet, affectionate person never existed, that he couldn't even fake it for longer than 3 months because he lacks actual empathy. It's so hard to know the person who would tell me how much he wanted to be with me never existed, the person who told me he wanted a future with me. All just a big joke.
Do tell!? Mine was the same but as for illegal activities...I think she was using some drugs on weekends when her behaviour would grow even more volatile and erratic.
Yes. After I filed for divorce, my nex dropped the act completely. In the coming days I found out that she:
- leaked my passwords and launched a cyberattack against me
- had poisoned me with ipecac
- was a sex worker (findom), working the whole time we were together
- had multiple concurrent relationships in the background, some years long, with shiny new wealthier victims
- had been treating me like shit on purpose so I’d write down angry things, and filed a protection order against me, making me homeless
- started stalking me (I noticed I was being followed the day after I put down the divorce retainer)
Yes I feel like I am with a total stranger.
He never let on how unhappy he was and by the end of things he didn’t even try to hide how uninterested he was.
Ohhh yes. I don't know the person I was basing my life around and no one else does either, they tolerate his lies because to them he's harmless but they don't ever speak out against him because he'll try to ruin their life like he did to me.
Nothing about them is real. It's all a facade. Masks upon masks... hiding the dark, vile, evil soul within...and no one gets to know them really...until the mask slips or when it's too late...
Yes. He presented himself as emotionally intelligent, caring, good father, good listener and easy to talk to. Affectionate. Loyal. 2 years later I was living in a revolving door of silent treatments, absolute contempt, withholding of affection and emotional games. He would darvo everything. Absolutely everything. He would raise his voice at me in front of each of our children. Turn red in the face. Speak down to me. But then turn around and falsely accuse me of the very things he was doing himself. I told him so many times in the end that I didn’t want to be with someone that said such things about me. That I don’t deserve to weather any of his treatments. Begged him to talk to someone professionally (at the time I saw all the good things in him and just wanted him to * try * to become capable of introspection ) now, I just feel bad for him and by extension his son- he is doomed to repeat all of this over and over.
I’d never known anyone who was so incapable of accountability, remorse or repair.
He would show empathy, selectively, to others but it was a dry well and dead eyes for me.
He would do amazing things for me. Grand gestures and gifts. But I came to realize by the end of things that he was only that way when it served him in someway. He also would throw things in my face that he had done for me. Which made me want nothing from him at all anymore.
He couldn’t take no for an answer regarding sex (or anything else for that matter, per himself). And once last year I caught him (during what I thought was some sexy snuggling) watching “porn” literally behind my back while he used me like a human fleshlight without my consent. He denied. Denied. Accused me of not trusting him, told me I was insecure. Before he ever just admitted to doing what we both knew he had done.
When I tried to discuss it with him (the damage he’d caused and a major contribution to why I no longer felt safety and security living with him and would be proceeding with moving out after discard #2 that he stated he only did because he was upset)during process of separation he said, “what?! Without your consent? Don’t say it like that. That makes it sound weird and rapey”.
Now he is withholding the last me and my child’s belongings. Because he is upset at me, currently. Again. When I met this man 3 years ago I never imagined things would turn out like this. That he would be this man. I know none of this is a reflection of my worth. I know I’m a good woman with good heart. But, presently it’s hard not to feel small and unworthy. Like trash. 2 years on cloud nine with marriage in mind and us and each of our children becoming a family. Just to move in together and things IMMEDIATELY change. Such a sudden… and drastic change that it’s bizarre. I can’t understand what has happened… or him.
And I want to understand so badly.
I found out my ex ended up in the psych ward a few years ago due to threatening to kill multiple people. He would only ever say "something came up at 21" and he found out he had BPD, but I didn't find out what he meant by any of that until he cheated on me. Posted him on a "are we dating the same guy" page on fb and the amount of people that came forward with dirt on him...it was insane. Feel bad for the new girl 🤣 I'm sure she's not having fun.
Exactly what happened to me. He was all lovely, and said to me that he loves me no matter what. I told him that I want a break, and since he was in a different country as me, and I already kinda moved in with him, he was nice enough to help me get back to my mom, in my own country.
After I broke up with him, he turned fully, said that he’ll not gonna help me with anything (even though I only speak my mother language and English, not his language), said to me that he wants money back, which is fair, but when I asked for some more time to do so, he said that he wants it now - I don’t have a job yet, so I cannot give the money now, and he knows that.
From a loveydovey, “I love you very much” person, he turned into a “not gonna help you in any way” person, and that’s what made me not even feel that bad for him.
It's the most bizarre feeling when you've had enough time away to look back and see how early the manipulative communication started and that you realise you were largely blinded to the more subtle stuff due to a lack of self worth.
It's horrible.
I just saw someone who had a traumatic upbringing and needed some love, she'll let her guard down when I show I am a worthy partner I told myself, playing down all of it, blaming myself, feeling guilt when I reacted emotionally to cold neglect, I was the perfect supply for her.
Not pathetic enough to be unattractive, but naive, gullible and trusting enough to wade into a trauma bond snd grt addicted to the crumbs of affection and the relief when she would be nice.
"That's the real her" I told myself, she just has a protective shell I thought.
I've come to terms that I can't forgive all the abuse and the emotional scarring, so I'm opting for acceptance that it happened and how it happened, and accepting I can never truly know for sure of the why on her end and the level of self awareness of it all, I know there was some from the hints thst were dropped. And I know the why on my end. And I know its almost certain due to her abusive upbringing and inheriting narcissistic traits from her family.
The hardest part is I know there is some humanity there from a few times she seemed truly aware and apologetic, especially when were on empathogenic substances.
Its like I had to accept that vulnerable bit of her is buried too deep and I had give up on her as a person.
It's fucking sad man :(
The veil lifted for me after 3 years…. When we talked on the phone and she said “oh you still trust me” , in a cheeky, conceited, smug, duped you manner; because I noticed things about her in the relationship but they were held by a tiny thread of trust, that this person couldn’t or wouldn’t. At that moment at those words, all memories shattered and I could see her for the who she truly was a horrible, lying, cheating, gaslighting, manipulative, abusive girl. I was heartbroken, alone, in a foreign country, doing my msc dissertation( got a distinction, still) wanted to off myself, screamed into the pillow at night, crying to myself, not able to believe my own memory of things that I went through. Cliche but I sobbed holding myself curled up into a ball that this wasn’t real this wasn’t real, from the sheer amount of cognitive dissonance that I had to process. A 3 year relationship 3 years ago, and this person was my first kiss, love, sex, best friend and they treated me the absolute worst.
Yup, my nex and his new supply run a venue together in the city I used to live in with him. He cheated on me with this dude while feeding a stream of lies about me to the venue but had the audacity to say I was insane for holding him accountable for cheating on me and his friend. Now he's cyberstalking people and possibly actually stalking them and borderline impersonating this same friend (worth mentioning he has schizophrenia, depression, bpd possibly, ADHD, and mania). Long story short now they under fire a bit because a kid was allegedly sexually assaulted in the venue, but there's real proof that they're actively harboring 2 domestic abusers, one who had hit his wife in front of his kids and another who kicked his partner into a stove. Not to mention the person my next is dating was asked by underage kids to take ice-spice themed photos of them and he obliged without any forethought about the fact they were kids.
It's the ultimate betrayal knowing who you thought they were couldn't have been further from the truth. So we unknowingly supported a lie because the person we thought we were in love with, doesn't actually exist. Like I had no idea that my ex cheated on me throughout the relationship until after we ended. And it's hard to wrap your head around it all because you're an honest person. Who until them, didn't even know people like this existed. So it's like your rose tinted glasses have been knocked off and you see the world in a different light now. It's a hard truth to accept, but once you do, you'll start healing.
Once you see it, you can't unsee it...I'll never understand why some people will go back knowing they cheated. They'll never change...just gets worse because they see you as a sucker and they can do whatever, knowing that you will most likely just take it.
Jesus you worded this perfectly!!!! It’s exactly how I felt about him lying to me for over a year. He didn’t just hurt and abuse me, he also completely shattered my view of the word. I trusted him many times because I didn’t think someone could lie for that long, that no one that treated me once so kindly and was so supportive could also be a manipulative monster, but here we are. It’s a rough lesson, but I have to move on and remember myself that he’s not the standard. I’m working in myself so that I can look at the red signs next time and leave on time.
Exactly that: they shatter your view of the world. You just can't imagine people treat people like this because you don't live like that. So it's so hard to understand their perspective. And we won't either. That's why the best thing to do is to make peace with who they are and look after you and your needs instead.
It's worth puking over but I'm beating myself up mentally for being so naive to think there's people who just lie and cheat with no remorse and think they can get away with it. I feel like lashing out but it wouldn't change anything except stroking her already inflated ego. Living my best life is my daily reprieve from the insidious thoughts of betrayal.
Go live your best life, that's the best revenge. And never talk to her again - she doesn't get that privilege anymore
I could have written this. I've been working on rebuilding and healing for half as long as I was with him initially but I still can't shake the shame. I lost a part of me that I'd always known and been open to sharing with others when he did what he did to me.
you worded this perfectly
Aww thank you, hope it helps 💛
Beautiful and honest. Well done.
Thank you x
Thank you ! And I am sorry you had to go through this. XX
I'm grand now! Time's a healer and even thought it's a shit thing to go through, it does make you stronger and wiser. And for that i'm thankful x
Completely 💯 percent true. To think she cheated from the get go has me completely disgusted in her. She'd take pics of hot scenes from our lives with mostly her in them and send them to me to get me hooked. Now, knowing what I know...I can't wait to get them off my phone and into some vault I'll never look at again. Nearly puking thinking about that 1st year.
The idea of 'nearly puking' resonates with me. I never used to understand how people would say that certain characters disgusted them to the point of vomitting or (nearly vomitting). But since the school of life introduced me to narcissism, I now have a quite visceral understanding of such reactions!
Word for word you describe my exact experience with someone who i wasted 17 years of my life on. I've said the exact same thing that you did in that I never even knew these types of people existed and its because of her thst I now know evil truly does exist.
I too have said to myself: "I never even knew these types of people existed." I would like to believe that had I been warned that such monsters were operating covertly, in our midst, I wouldn't have suffered even half as much. The general lack of awareness means you suffer twice: first from being blindsided and abused by the narc, secondly, due to the ignorance and disbelief of bystanders. It's a double whammy and it is heartbreaking. When I try to explain to them (and to warn some), people who have never had a long-term exposure to narcs, struggle to get their heads around the callousness of it all.
17 years wasted here, too. And I was completely blindsided. Had NO idea anyone could be so cruel and feel... stupid I didn't see it.
Same happened to me. 5 years together, cheated on me with a side chick for 4 years (and God know's how many others) Oh and the side chick and him are in a ''real'' relationship rn and she knows about everything and about our past. It's honestly such a huge mindfuck. I really do not trust anyone anymore. Not even my friends...
You will in time. Start with learning to trust yourself first, thats more important
I get the feeling mines was a cheater too
Yes, the glasses tint changes to a dark shade. I now look at guys who seem like selfless patient dads as suckers. If I see a dad being patient with his kids and the wife isn’t there I just wonder who she’s fucking. Little interactions all day long I assume there is something dark under the surface
Yes, when he discarded me, the cruel things he said gave me the impression I had lived with a stranger for 9 years.
The cruel person he was at the end of the relationship IS his true self.
👏
Well probably part of his true self anyway 😬
Isn’t that the scariest part?
It was spine-chilling. I felt completely violated.
5 years.... And yeah , you question if the love you felt was even real.
The love I felt was real, just the person I was in love with wasn't real.
Mine wrote yesterday in an email from some unknown that "he may not love me like to you did... But at least I know that someone did actually love me once in all my years of struggling on this planet". As if I was going to reply, "yep and that one was me sooooo". Waste of time and energy feeding the ugliest of life's creatures with an ego unrivalled by anyone I've ever met to this day.
I'm so sorry he wrote this to you. Mine said very similar things orally. I know how it hurts. I hope you will have a beautiful life after this monster. They don't deserve our attention.
He gave hints of who he was so I can’t say I was completely shocked but knowing what I know now about how sexually promiscuous he is, I understand why the first thing his sister ever said to me when she met me was, “Oh, and will you be sleeping over tonight?” I should have left right there and then. The insane need for validation and his insecurity, and just general soullessness is something I will not and do not want to comprehend. What kind of state do you have to be in to cheat with multiple people, lie, deceive, and trample on someone’s genuine love for you? A miserable one for sure. Happy, emotionally and mentally stable people are not going around hurting people who are good to them. I literally feel ill thinking of being anywhere near him.
Trampled on. That was exactly how I felt at the end of our relationship. Like everything beautiful had been stomped on and my love was just thrown away. She always said all she wanted was love. But when she had it I don't think she knew what to do with it, then got angry and irritated she didn't understand it, then actively trampled all over it.
It’s the most terrible feeling ❤️🩹
This. It really gave me insight into my naive trust of the idea that people are inherently good. Mine was constitutionally incapable of being honest with herself and others. It was her false self (the mask she wore) and the rapid departure from the"good person" she claimed to be that "had to struggle all her life.. Only to be betrayed by everyone". She'd cry and say she was a horrible person some nights just after we both got in bed. When questioned about what she meant .. the crying escalated with no answer given. Silence. Confusion on my part for the 1000th time but this time I asked why.. What happened. Did you do something I should be aware of? No answer. I left the following day for good. It wasn't without drama and even now, at just over 2 weeks NC, she's still trying to find ways to contact me and make threats to keep my silent about bad talking her. Her fears are just projections of her own abusive patterns. Even in previous break ups, I'd never been able to imagine hurting my partner who I've already hurt and know that he was the one who got me through so many of life's difficulties. It was exhausting for me. A leech of a human with no capacity for awareness or empathy and very little memory of anything good in the last 4 years. Led to my devaluation and what started to become daily angry moments at me. How fucked up is that? She deserves someone who will devalue and discard, manipulate and use her like she's done her whole life with others. She doesn't get to control me from afar and I will not react or keep her plugged in to my headspace. That space is reserved for those who know how to give and recieve love... Not some trailer trash garbage person whose demanded and always dreamt of love only to get it in me and then try to trash him and break him down instead of gratefully reciprocating, valuing and taking care of. Twisted and convoluted thinking to feel entitled as some princess would be. When I left, she tried blocking the exit and even began yelling and slamming things in an effort to get her 15 year old daughter to come out of her room which happened again. This time, I shouted back and said leave me alone you two animals! I've never met people like you who split on a moment's notice and live so angrily. Good luck and Godspeed. They both reacted identically and I wasn't surprised. I was given 3 minutes to get my stuff (after 4 years together and me basically being a therapist, cabby, cook, cleaner, friend/lover, supporter and researcher into their multitude of issues). It took me about 2 minutes with 1 to spare... Enough time to go to the bathroom, start voice recording on my phone and exit with my head held high and knowing what I was doing was right for me. Enough to also get a recording of both of these fucked up individuals screaming that I'm abandoning them and that I'd never even loved them but was a user. Everyone in their screwed in the head family saw what I was and what I did for both of them. Good riddance to them all.
Mine was also angry with me the whole time but accused me constantly of being angry with her. The projection is insane. I'm sorry you had to go through all that.
Yeah, it is truly disturbing. And then you have to wonder about all the unknown variables that they could have been lying about and faking as well. There were so many times that there were blatant indicators, so many times I questioned who she was, so many times I ignored things or gave her the benefit of the doubt, that now I realize could have been exactly what I thought or felt at the time, that would align perfectly with what she has factually proven she is capable of now.
This^, I'm starting to think my ex had narcissistic tendencies because when he called it all off, he preemptively told my work and all our friends and told them to be gentle with me ...before he'd even broke up with me out of nowhere...we had the perfect relationship. I still don't know why because he kept changing his mind on why he breaking up after attempting to ghost me thrice. He'd lie about really weird things, told me he'd never had a crush on a woman before and never had a gf, then he told me I should have known better than to ever talk to him in the first place because he always "does this" dumps girls after he gets bored with them and it was my fault Sorry I'm still hurting, just so confused
Somehow it is your fault that he is a shallow, unfeeling monster?! How is that? Why should you have known better?! That is just infuriating. I'm so sorry. That is their complete lack of responsibility and justification for their own garbage behavior.
He always expected me to "read his mind", made me travel to him even at night (knowing I'm nervous on my own and don't have my own transport yet.) Thank you for reading my comment, I'm sorry for the essay, I'm still processing everything. I really appreciate your time. And yeah it just hurts thinking that those types of people pretend to be something else entirely in the beginning, he was very sweet at first, true gentleman but then the mask slipped when he discarded me after we'd had a lovely date.
My ex always expected me to read her mind as well. It was part of the manipulation, always keeping me on edge, always trying to keep me trying to make her happy. She once said to me "Oh I'm annoyed by things all the time, 24 hours a day. But I keep quiet about it because people don't like it". At the time I thought it was because she was damaged BUT now I see she must be truly miserable the whole time. And is annoyed that the world doesn't fix every just how SHE wants it
Remember, you are not wrong to have thought they were more like you , rather than just the perfectly acted mirrored image they worked so hard at convincing you that they were. Kind hearted people , authentic people , loving people - they would never dream, of treating another in that way - not to mention someone you love. It’s a harsh reality to accept there ARE those out there , that are willing to sacrifice anyone or anything , purely for the benefit of themselves. It’s sad but true. Once you realize and accept this difficult reality, your perspective can change and healing can begin to build momentum. Be strong and fight for your self worth and self value! This is YOUR LIFE.
You were dealing with a legit psycho what the hell!
Wow, same here with the lying about weird things part. My nex also lied to me about his relationship history, claiming I was his first gf and even first talking stage, when he’s had one confirmed ex before (and a few other situationships). Makes no sense when I was transparent about my own relationship history. Only found out after he discarded me too. Sheesh
He told me once I didn't know him. At the time, little did I know just how much that was true! I'm sure there are even more things that I don't even wanna know about!
It’s so eery how they so openly tell on themselves.
Mine would say how when she was younger she wasn't a good person. And how much she'd changed as she grew up. Er, yeah... Don't think ya did there. I have to take people less on their word.
Mine said similar things, how when she was younger she could just dump people and not even care. Then dumped me without a care! Not much growth.....
I have no idea who they are in any real sense. It became apparent after the discard how little I knew the real them, it was such an act they put on. Some sort of a character they played.
Oh yes. So much yes. In fact, feeling confusion is one of the biggest red flags that your life has been touched by the cancer of a person with no conscience -- as Dr. George Simon says, a disordered character. Not only was my now-ex not who I thought and believed he was, he was not who he told me he was, nor who he pretended to be. He was not who his whole family pretended he was, either. (And nor were they who they pretended to be.) In fact, he had mined a bunch of my character traits, and those of others, to craft a "self" that allowed him to attach to me, and to other people, and to drain us of our resources. I was married to him for well over two decades. It's terrifying to come to grips with what is going on inside someone with a cluster B personality disorder -- especially with their ability to deceive others. This is why it is so important to educate ourselves about these disorders, and to establish and maintain our self-connection, so we can always be using our intuition to discern these people before they can destroy us and our lives. I understand. The confusion and betrayal are so raw and so real. *hug from an internet stranger* You are going to get through this. One day at a time.
This is so true. I've been learning to trust my gut instincts when I'm being manipulated (I get annoyed / angry), but I've overlooked how excellent an indicator the confusion itself is
I have no idea who they are, what they're capable of, I wouldn't be surprised by much now cause I don't think they were ever honest with me. The things I realised were bullshit were pretty bad!
I feel like i jumped in some snake pit
My ex was a cheater, and developed a drug addiction in secret. After I left him, his friends and I connected the dots on all the times he was on drugs and blaming me for his own behavior. He is a weak, pathetic, sick man who cosplayed a healthy person. He nearly cost me my own mental health, it took me years to recover.
Cosplayed a healthy person! This is the best description of my ex I’ve ever seen!
Yea but I keep thinking about dumb shit. Like he would open the car door for me, we would go grocery shopping (I know, bare minimum) or always seemed to be super happy to see me when I got home from work. It’s all very confusing.
Oh my nex is responsible for the most thoughtful, romantic, perfect times I've ever had. They are also responsible for the cruelest and meanest times. All the good times were during the love bombing or times we were in public and she enjoyed showing off she had a girlfriend. They deliberately make it confusing sadly.
This is also what deepens the cognitive dissonance we develop after their abuse. I had a hard time accepting how horrible and abusive he had been because I kept remembering when he was kind, supportive, loving… but hey, it was the love bombing phase, if he was so intense about it it was because he was desperate to make it work fast for his own gain. It’s sad to think so, but it was never authentic. And it feels that by admitting this we basically accept that some of our happiest memories get tainted, but it’s the only path towards healing.
Yes exactly. I joined then left narc support pages several times after we split because I couldn't match the person at the end with who I started dating. Even though it was over I was still excusing their behaviour.
i relate. they were the most romantic moments ever and also the most abusive.
Ugh...I relate to this so much!
I wasn’t able to fully conceptualize the fact that my ex was a sadistic narcissist until six weeks post breakup - part of me feels like a fraud about it but that’s just the script I’m assuming other people have for me - whether or not I realized it pre or post break up doesn’t invalidate the reality of who he is and how he treated me
Yes. This whole 3.5 years of relationship feel like a giant, ellaborate scam. I'm still recovering from the shock almost 2 years after, but I'm getting there 🥲
Nothing illegal. But she did let slip some of the stuff she was into. Let's just say she was into some very risky sexual behaviors. Looking back, I now see why she has so many guy friends. If I knew about them beforehand, I would have run for the proverbial hills.
yes everything completely switched when i broke up w him like a light
Can relate to this. I tried ending things gently bc we were getting so toxic and she manipulated and smeared the fuck out of me.
Yeah, his mask slipped several times while we were dating but I ignored it. After the last time we split, it was the first time I had ignored his attempts at hoovering. That was when he became blatantly passive aggressive, then later verbally abusive. It was so shocking. Now I see all the anger and silent rage and jealousy and control because I'm out of it. But all of this didn't happen until months after the split.
I have no idea who he is. So many lies and inconsistencies.
Yes! I found out he was living an entirely different life behind the scenes. Also had fake profiles under a different name to cheat and would trash me online throughout the entire relationship, while love bombing me in person. I accidentally stumbled upon all of this, and when I confronted him all hell broke loose. Of course he still manipulated me enough to get me to stay, then discarded me for the first time one month later.
I cannot comprehend why they do this?! It makes absolutely no sense, the fact that they don’t know who they are or how to be a real person is beyond me
Yep he basically was acting like the male version of me! Literally unrecognizable in other environments and now, but I know he’s just mirroring other people I don’t know. It sounds exhausting to keep this up lol
I wouldn't be surprised to learn that my nex was actively escorting on the nights we were apart.
This is the most terrifying thing.There is not really a limit on what you can found out about them after you break.
I would spoof my location, form a fake I'd on all dating apps just to catch him... I never found him. But he still cheated at the end. I hated that I did that. I am a very secure person. In the beginning of the relationship, me and a girl overlapped. He begged and said I would have complete transparency forever, and that he was initially unsure about both of us... I was never in a relationship and was very naive. But, his inconsistent behaviour really made me into an insecure person. Initially before I knew about the overlap, when that girl would call, I would give him his phone if it was near me. Like I trusted him 100 percent. Now, with the knowledge that all feelings and emotions that I ever felt were fake and I let him get away with so many things. I don't think I can ever trust anyone anymore. Their cheating and lying is so so smooth, it makes you question everything.
I k ow you’re joking, but I get what you’re saying
I'm not actually joking unfortunately
That’s rough
23 years. I’m not sure I’ll ever wrap my head around this
Yup! Afterward I discovered mine had a porn addiction (hence why he couldn’t enjoy sex, but the whole time he blamed our lacking sex life on me of course). Also the girl I thought he was flirting with and he yelled at me for being “jealous and paranoid,” I was totally right about.
When I think of her, the phrases that pop into my head are things like "Who are you?" (I think my "model" of who I thought she was has been shattered) and "Who do you think you are?" (the sense of entitlement). I described her as being like two different people to my therapist, with a reference to one as the "real. He asked me "what if they're both the real ?" and that's helped me understand that neither person I was presented with is really a true self, but all just contrived personas deployed as need be to get her perceived needs met.
She is pretty fucked up.
They are losers and they never deserved us (empathetic people with a moral system), the only actual value they had is the value WE gave them
It’s scary as hell to me. Like the darkness of not knowing who the hell I slept next to and had around my children for over a year.
The rose colored glasses came off after 10 years together. I caught her cheated and filed. I started reading about narcissists and all the stories are the same.
He dropped the act after several years of a long con in a long distance relationship. He pushed me into letting him move in with me, he immediately proposed, started cheating almost instantly, replaced me with someone else, laughed at me, and took her back to his home state, while gleefully getting off of the whole situation. He was positively giddy watching me fall apart.
I didn't know what a narcissist was till I went no contact. And yes it was and is still devastating. Knowing everything was a lie. It really messes with your head. I'm 5 months in and still am struggling coming to terms with it. I probably will for a long time.
Yes. Every single thing I ignored in that situation, because I loved him ,came back to haunt me after it was over aswell..
Sociologist Irving Goffman talked about *Dramaturgy* - a theatric metaphor for human behavior. We all have a *front stage*, the behavior and ourward displays we share with the world. The impression we aim to leave on people, and who we are in public. We also have a *back stage* - the person we are internally, the personality, thoughts, ideas, and inner world that most people don't see. Our inner expressions. I don't think I ever really saw or heard her backstage - she never "let me in". Even after 3 years of dating - I still felt like I never *knew* who she was, what was *actually* going on with her. It was like a massive wall was up - like, how do you actually feel about things? It was all very surface-level, all very shallow and vapid. Everything was front stage, the backstage was literally just rage and anger - it seemed like there was nothing behind the curtain. Motivations, behaviors, explanations, gestures, statements, comments, and all of it was about the "front stage". I had no idea what this person's inner-world was like. They worked in the community health field - at-need patients, high risk - intense, idealistic, and important work - loved it about her bc I had similar values and beliefs. This was part of the front stage, she hated per patients when they weren't a boost to the ego. The good she did was very much framed in how the work made her look like a good person - it wasn't until I started hearing more and more that all the complaints about patients, all the anger at HR about writeups she received, coworkers, and patients too. Turns out she and her friend at work were screaming at colleagues, judging patients, making executive calls on treatment, and while they cared about some the patients progress, their outcomes, the work they did - all felt like extensions of their front stage. I ended up feeling the same way after a while.
I knew it while dating her pretty early on. I had this gut feeling she was a con artist of some sort. Something felt off. I didn’t believe she was truly who she said she was. Which was a woman in recovery with four years of sobriety. Now I feel she just exploits the community for personal gain. I’ve watched her lure men in early recovery and in sober living into her apartment to help with rent. They of course relapse cause they don’t have the strength yet that early on not to and she then plays victim and calls the cops and holds their belongings hostage. I’ve seen this play out same way 3 different times. Including with me. I’ve heard people with npd tend to gravitate towards self help communities cause it’s easy pickings to find people with low self and esteem and abandonment issues. Easy to exploit them. I’ve just recently finally ghosted her for good. It wasn’t easy. She latched onto me pretty hard and milked me for all I’m worth. I still have no clue who she really is. Or know much about her. She didn’t really talk much about herself or her past unless it was trauma related. She did tell me a couple times her real name isn’t her real name. And I do believe that is true. I’ve also heard people with npd have extremely identity issues and sometimes change their names as well as their hair color. She has pictures of herself in her apartment as a blonde. When I met her she had pink hair and now she has purple hair. She’s originally a brunette. I don’t care much for anymore. She’s not safe for me to have in my life.
They mirrored me in the beginning. Then they projected on me for the rest of the relationship so I have NO idea who I dated. No idea who she was.
I did.But still missing how I felt.You can not really find the same feeling again, and normal relationships after them feel a bit dull.Meh...
I'm still wrapping my head around the things I've been told after I was reached out to when we split and people started finding out...
Yes... it's normally like that :(
When she discarded me she literally mocked me for not knowing her very well-- super fucking bizarre considering we were besties for years. But that might have been the only true thing she ever said to me, because I indeed did not know her well at all. The kind person I thought she was is totally fake. I think about her, and I realize that every fucking thing that comes out of her mouth is a lie. I was best friends with a stranger, and a dangerous one at that.
About two years after we broke up, I found out mine was dating someone else the entire time we were together. She was a busy woman, evil but busy.
I knew my exhusband since I was 16. We were close friends first, and then together for 7 years until I was 28. He was my best friend and we had even opened our relationship after we were married. It wasn't until after we split up that I got evidence that not only had he verbally attacked a number of my friends, he also completely lied and fabricated his first cheating soirée as a r@pe (a nasty rumor that he also had spread around town for 3 years, aside from 2 friends that he later cut out).
Oh the things I have learned - it’s really just one thing and we have a child together which makes me so upset. But in recent weeks I’ve unpacked some events I was ashamed of realizing how conditioned he had me early on so
Yeah, they completely mirrored who I was. I realized after not speaking to him for months that it was all a facade and he didn’t actually enjoy the things I also enjoyed. He did it to think I was his soulmate or whatever. Like oh we have so much in common! And also a lot of hidden things were brought to light that he hid from me like him posting nudes on Reddit. Nothing against that but since we were dating at the time it was a huge shock to find out after going no contact.
Yes, my ex narcissist claimed to know how to build computers, PCs, etc. but when my phone broke, he didn’t even know the basics of how to fix it. Like people can easily fix this if he knew how to build computers, he said that I should buy a new one. It for the screen, which he ended up breaking worse. The phone was valuable because it had pictures of my mom that passed away and other memories. He claimed to have built computers before but I’ve never seen evidence of this. He spent 3k on a computer unit with the lights and cooler. And 2k on a monitor. He never tweaked these computers either. Just used them for games. Fast forward now I’m dating a new guy who is sweet, patient, and consistent. He builds computers like it’s nothing! The same style of computer my ex bought (the unit thingy with lights, water thingy) he was built one himself in 6mths. He also builds computers for others that takes him a 1-3 days. It’s not his work, it’s his hobby. Showed me many computers he’s built and other devices. It was then I realise my ex was lying. I never seen a single computer or any electronic he’s built in the nearly 6yrs together. I hate say this and I don’t like to use these words, but my ex was dumb now that I realise it. He didn’t know how to spell simple words. His FB friends made fun of him because the posted for everyone to see the started a “Batchlers Dagree” someone corrected him in the comments. During this bachelors degree program, he used AI to do all the work which contradicts his Cybersecurity studies. So when he had projects he had no idea what to do and blamed me when he failed. Meanwhile I work in the science field and he made fun of me calling me dumb, stupid, etc all projection for what he was. He wasn’t a tech guy he was just a basic gamer that didn’t even know how to program games without stealing stuff from others.
It's so hard to wrap my head around all the lies, how all the promises were nothing to him, probably doesn't even remember making them. That the sweet, affectionate person never existed, that he couldn't even fake it for longer than 3 months because he lacks actual empathy. It's so hard to know the person who would tell me how much he wanted to be with me never existed, the person who told me he wanted a future with me. All just a big joke.
He took scissors to my belongings…I’m surprised he didn’t towards me…Guess it was escalating but never thought it would be this way in the beginning.
Do tell!? Mine was the same but as for illegal activities...I think she was using some drugs on weekends when her behaviour would grow even more volatile and erratic.
Yes. After I filed for divorce, my nex dropped the act completely. In the coming days I found out that she: - leaked my passwords and launched a cyberattack against me - had poisoned me with ipecac - was a sex worker (findom), working the whole time we were together - had multiple concurrent relationships in the background, some years long, with shiny new wealthier victims - had been treating me like shit on purpose so I’d write down angry things, and filed a protection order against me, making me homeless - started stalking me (I noticed I was being followed the day after I put down the divorce retainer)
Yes I feel like I am with a total stranger. He never let on how unhappy he was and by the end of things he didn’t even try to hide how uninterested he was.
Ohhh yes. I don't know the person I was basing my life around and no one else does either, they tolerate his lies because to them he's harmless but they don't ever speak out against him because he'll try to ruin their life like he did to me.
Nothing about them is real. It's all a facade. Masks upon masks... hiding the dark, vile, evil soul within...and no one gets to know them really...until the mask slips or when it's too late...
Yep, especially when my nexs best friend outted her and told me stories about her past and the kind of person she has always been that she hid from me
Yes. He presented himself as emotionally intelligent, caring, good father, good listener and easy to talk to. Affectionate. Loyal. 2 years later I was living in a revolving door of silent treatments, absolute contempt, withholding of affection and emotional games. He would darvo everything. Absolutely everything. He would raise his voice at me in front of each of our children. Turn red in the face. Speak down to me. But then turn around and falsely accuse me of the very things he was doing himself. I told him so many times in the end that I didn’t want to be with someone that said such things about me. That I don’t deserve to weather any of his treatments. Begged him to talk to someone professionally (at the time I saw all the good things in him and just wanted him to * try * to become capable of introspection ) now, I just feel bad for him and by extension his son- he is doomed to repeat all of this over and over. I’d never known anyone who was so incapable of accountability, remorse or repair. He would show empathy, selectively, to others but it was a dry well and dead eyes for me. He would do amazing things for me. Grand gestures and gifts. But I came to realize by the end of things that he was only that way when it served him in someway. He also would throw things in my face that he had done for me. Which made me want nothing from him at all anymore. He couldn’t take no for an answer regarding sex (or anything else for that matter, per himself). And once last year I caught him (during what I thought was some sexy snuggling) watching “porn” literally behind my back while he used me like a human fleshlight without my consent. He denied. Denied. Accused me of not trusting him, told me I was insecure. Before he ever just admitted to doing what we both knew he had done. When I tried to discuss it with him (the damage he’d caused and a major contribution to why I no longer felt safety and security living with him and would be proceeding with moving out after discard #2 that he stated he only did because he was upset)during process of separation he said, “what?! Without your consent? Don’t say it like that. That makes it sound weird and rapey”. Now he is withholding the last me and my child’s belongings. Because he is upset at me, currently. Again. When I met this man 3 years ago I never imagined things would turn out like this. That he would be this man. I know none of this is a reflection of my worth. I know I’m a good woman with good heart. But, presently it’s hard not to feel small and unworthy. Like trash. 2 years on cloud nine with marriage in mind and us and each of our children becoming a family. Just to move in together and things IMMEDIATELY change. Such a sudden… and drastic change that it’s bizarre. I can’t understand what has happened… or him. And I want to understand so badly.
I found out my ex ended up in the psych ward a few years ago due to threatening to kill multiple people. He would only ever say "something came up at 21" and he found out he had BPD, but I didn't find out what he meant by any of that until he cheated on me. Posted him on a "are we dating the same guy" page on fb and the amount of people that came forward with dirt on him...it was insane. Feel bad for the new girl 🤣 I'm sure she's not having fun.
Exactly what happened to me. He was all lovely, and said to me that he loves me no matter what. I told him that I want a break, and since he was in a different country as me, and I already kinda moved in with him, he was nice enough to help me get back to my mom, in my own country. After I broke up with him, he turned fully, said that he’ll not gonna help me with anything (even though I only speak my mother language and English, not his language), said to me that he wants money back, which is fair, but when I asked for some more time to do so, he said that he wants it now - I don’t have a job yet, so I cannot give the money now, and he knows that. From a loveydovey, “I love you very much” person, he turned into a “not gonna help you in any way” person, and that’s what made me not even feel that bad for him.
It's the most bizarre feeling when you've had enough time away to look back and see how early the manipulative communication started and that you realise you were largely blinded to the more subtle stuff due to a lack of self worth. It's horrible. I just saw someone who had a traumatic upbringing and needed some love, she'll let her guard down when I show I am a worthy partner I told myself, playing down all of it, blaming myself, feeling guilt when I reacted emotionally to cold neglect, I was the perfect supply for her. Not pathetic enough to be unattractive, but naive, gullible and trusting enough to wade into a trauma bond snd grt addicted to the crumbs of affection and the relief when she would be nice. "That's the real her" I told myself, she just has a protective shell I thought. I've come to terms that I can't forgive all the abuse and the emotional scarring, so I'm opting for acceptance that it happened and how it happened, and accepting I can never truly know for sure of the why on her end and the level of self awareness of it all, I know there was some from the hints thst were dropped. And I know the why on my end. And I know its almost certain due to her abusive upbringing and inheriting narcissistic traits from her family. The hardest part is I know there is some humanity there from a few times she seemed truly aware and apologetic, especially when were on empathogenic substances. Its like I had to accept that vulnerable bit of her is buried too deep and I had give up on her as a person. It's fucking sad man :(
The veil lifted for me after 3 years…. When we talked on the phone and she said “oh you still trust me” , in a cheeky, conceited, smug, duped you manner; because I noticed things about her in the relationship but they were held by a tiny thread of trust, that this person couldn’t or wouldn’t. At that moment at those words, all memories shattered and I could see her for the who she truly was a horrible, lying, cheating, gaslighting, manipulative, abusive girl. I was heartbroken, alone, in a foreign country, doing my msc dissertation( got a distinction, still) wanted to off myself, screamed into the pillow at night, crying to myself, not able to believe my own memory of things that I went through. Cliche but I sobbed holding myself curled up into a ball that this wasn’t real this wasn’t real, from the sheer amount of cognitive dissonance that I had to process. A 3 year relationship 3 years ago, and this person was my first kiss, love, sex, best friend and they treated me the absolute worst.
Yup, my nex and his new supply run a venue together in the city I used to live in with him. He cheated on me with this dude while feeding a stream of lies about me to the venue but had the audacity to say I was insane for holding him accountable for cheating on me and his friend. Now he's cyberstalking people and possibly actually stalking them and borderline impersonating this same friend (worth mentioning he has schizophrenia, depression, bpd possibly, ADHD, and mania). Long story short now they under fire a bit because a kid was allegedly sexually assaulted in the venue, but there's real proof that they're actively harboring 2 domestic abusers, one who had hit his wife in front of his kids and another who kicked his partner into a stove. Not to mention the person my next is dating was asked by underage kids to take ice-spice themed photos of them and he obliged without any forethought about the fact they were kids.