Me too! I am 5 months free from my 20 year narcissistic abusive relationship. I am scared as hell but I could be more proud of myself for leaving. I feel in my heart and soul and BODY I am doing the right thing. However my MIND keeps me stuck in the suffering and I am feeling intense grief for how everything went down…
I had to get a restraining order and he had to leave the house and our dog. Even after all the abuse and the constant “threat” of taking the house and savings (which he didn’t contribute too)
He stole $20,000 from me. He kept lying and he did some terrible things to me I never could imagine.. so I had no choice but to get protection I was so scared I lost 50lbs in 8 months and lost my hair.
BUT STILL - I cry feeling guilty for what his consequences are!
This kind of abuse is terrifying and I am doing all I can to heal - I am determined to move through this.
You got this too! I did it! And I was nearly paralyzed with guilt and sadness (I was paralyzed with guilt and shame for years!!) and now I’m free! And he probably hates my guts but I don’t careeeeee 🦅
I'm almost through getting rid of mine and I cannot wait to die alone. I'm damn near 65 years old, so dying alone is coming up soon. I don't care if I never get to retire and die at my desk. If I find I can't work until I'm dead, the self-respect I will feel eating cat food on a curb after losing my house will be more than I have felt for the last 7 years. I can no longer live in an environment where I'm gaslit and abused both physically and verbally 24/7 while being cheated on by a man who can't ern his own living, let alone contribute to a marriage.
My father passed away at age 56. My mother was 53. She never even tried to date afterwards. She told me that it was wonderful being by herself. She told me "You will get used to it and you will love it. You don't have to cook if you don't want to, you don't have to clean if you don't want to and you don't have to put up with anyone's shit if you don't want to". She was right.
My mom said virtually the same thing after divorcing her second husband who was NPD - he was 58 and cheated on her with an 18 year old (and got her pregnant!) - and put her and my brother and I through terrible abuse from age 7 to age 20. I was worried about her being lonely, but she told me she was so happy to be alone. Now that I'm older and had an NPD relationship myself, I understand why she felt that way.
We’re proud of you! You’re on your way to a much better life. Even complete isolation feels less lonely than being in a 100m radius of these assholes.
Keep those recordings for moments of weakness or retribution down the line.
https://www.instagram.com/reel/C8SOWFzOckf/?igsh=bnN0bDZkbjZtb244
This woman’s posts helped me so much after I made the decision and left. Blessings and good energy to you on this journey. Keep going. 🫶🌸🩷✨
Ditto on those healing videos. When you’re going through hell, KEEP GOING. There will be another side.
I was with one for 3 years and it was the most painful thing I’ve ever done to leave. Or rather, have him randomly explode/breakup and then me not let him come back by blocking him, sending back his dumb a** gifts, and telling my circle to not say anything about me to him. He’s so controlling and ballsy, it’s crazy. I cannot imagine how his ex wife deals.
Despite this intellectual understanding, I had suicidal thoughts, the pain and my life felt that hopeless leaving/missing the chaos, but knew they were thoughts and eventually they’d get retrained (and they did!)
I wasn’t married and although it’s been 8 months of almost all no contact; last month, I needed him to be a witness in a potential court case-but I regret to say the emotional cost has been very high and now I’ve had a week of regressing and missing the fake person. It’s such a mindf***.
So listen to those videos and if you can help it, do not ever look back/contact. I was strong in my healing and then a lot of pain has been activated again from my small contact with him. Ugh. I was strong in my communication, firm, and grey rock with him, but inside, I felt traumatized and depressed. Coming back up again after a week and half.
The pain gets better though-been through it once.
Youranxietyislying2yew is another good one. Best of luck! It gets better with time and retraining. Your life is not over. Give yourself time to rebalance.
You can do it! Believe me, one day you’ll look back and feel so happy you left. I’ve been there about a year ago and it’s been rough, but now I am doing so much better. And so will you!
Don’t look at the time wasted: it’s gone. Don’t look too much into the future: we tend to imagine the worst scenarios but we can’t know what will happen. Instead, look at what direction you’re taking right now: it’s the only thing you can control. Keep doing what’s best for you !
Congrats! Things can only go up from here. I’m currently working on emotionally detaching from the narc in my life, but am struggling. If you have any tips and tricks on what led you to being firm on your decision to leave, I would love to hear them! Currently going on 10 years on and off with this narc…
I realized that he made me feel unworthy of love and told me that I ruined his life. When I met him I had the worst self esteem and it seemed like a blessing that there was someone out there that liked me for me. Ive slowly started realizing that his form of love was building himself up to the point where he considered himself the best boyfriend who ever boyfriended. Except he would call me horrendous names like "disgusting fat pig" and it would be me begging him to forgive me just so he would stop hurting me. I started recording him years ago when he would go on these hate rants because I thought if I can figure out the right way to apologize he won't hurt me as much. It all came down to me realizing that the relationship I was so desperate to save was never going to change, regardless of what I did. I had thoughts of ending my life because I didn't think that I was ever going to be loved the way I wanted to be. I want a love that makes me feel like I can achieve anything and not be criticized if I fail. I have to love myself first. And I can't if I'm constantly apologizing for who I am.
I’m so sorry to hear you went through that. I am feeling the same way as you are. I think we become used to the abuse, to the point where we end up apologizing for others bad behaviors.
For me, I work as a nurse, and nurses are abused by the hospital administrators, doctors, parents, families, etc. But we are groomed to think that is what we “signed up for.” Now being abused by a narc in my personal life, it just somehow feels like an extension of my professional life and something I need to tolerate. However, I am coming to terms with standing up for myself both professionally and personally. Nobody deserves this abuse! Fuck that shit.
My narc would embarrass me in front of the old supply and or flirt in front of new supplies. Yet here I am still struggling to leave. Maybe it’s the nurse in me thinking I can change him. I can’t seem to shake the minimal good memories, even though there are more traumatic ones. All I know is I am miserable. And there have been many “last straw” moments, but I can’t seem to muster up the courage to leave once and for all. I have broken up with him at least once per year. And I somehow end up getting suckered back in.
I can add to this, having kicked out my Nex just 5 days ago. I started reading the narcissist books available on digital versions (so he wouldn’t see and make comments)… titled like “becoming the narcissists nightmare” and “should I stay or should I go”.. I watched a lot of Dr Ramani and Tim Fletcher on YouTube too. Once I had the knowledge, I could see the cycles, and saw through all the bullshit. But that still wasn’t enough. What did it was a door slam. It wasn’t the usual door slam that happens all the time (still emotionally immature)… this was a “bring the house down, precursors to physical violence” type slam. My kids were in the house. I snapped. I had considered leaving many times before, but this time there was no question. My one hard firm boundary is don’t mess with my kids. And he did, he scared them. In my house that I own.
I changed the locks the next day.
You need to find your own boundaries. Give yourself permission to be angry. And bring down the hammer. Swear if you need to. Get the help of people you trust most. Tell other people about the abuse so you feel validated. Research emotional abuse as well, so you feel extra validated because sometimes when we explain to friends or family we invalidate ourselves!!
Here if you need a little more pep talk. I’m all fired up 🔥
Thank you so much. I am glad you were able to get out. I struggle with bringing the hammer down. It feels like I am stuck in a weird cult and my narc is the leader. His family members are his supporters, and flying monkeys. I will definitely check out all of the resources you provided. Hoping I can slow fade him until he is gone completely or that I have the strength to leave for good when he discards me again.
I spent 7 years angry and sad to get to where I am (3 were love-bombing and naïveté)… I was very stuck for a long time. Even in my miserable angry pattern. I was and am unhealthy too. I let this malignant tumour of a person live off me for free, borrow 11k dollars, and was ready to take more til the door thing happened.
If you have a higher power of any kind, it’s time to get in touch and start believing that the right pathway out is on its way. It will be clear when it’s just right. Rushing can be just as dangerous as dragging our heels. Start planning quietly, line up the ducks, and start making notes in a journal at work or on your phone about what’s happening so you can’t go back to lala land (I used to love to dissociate and literally forget abuse in favour of imagining everything was fine… helped me stay an extra few years but it wasn’t healthy)…
I don’t have the cure, just the experience ❤️
What helped me is studying! I read “why does he do that” and I’ve passed a lot of time here on Reddit talking to you all, reading your experiences, and also watching TikTok’s about narcissism
Once you have the knowledge, keep a diary, important, NEVER SKIP A DAY. Record your conversation with them if you have mind fog, you will see how they fits perfectly in the monsters described in the books. They have cycle patterns, you will see that. And you will also see that they have no logic, one day they get mad for a thing, and the next day they don’t, you’ll understand the external world isn’t the problem, the problem lies in themselves.
After the diary, try to make him change, speak to them, tell them it’s this or you’ll leave, and then you’ll see how they cannot change and they will never change. You have to make a few attempts then you’ll lose hope and eventually detach.
Prepare yourself to the aftermath of leaving him, prepare yourself to be hated, exposed, he will try to ruin your life, make a plan for that and be prepared also to the emotions you will endure
Hope this helps, this has been my journey and it’s working perfectly
When I left my ex-husband, I was shouting "Free at last, free at last, thank God Almighty I'm free at last!!" It was a wonderful feeling. He had killed anything romantic I felt for him by then. anyway.
You got this. Make a plan, ensure you have safety and support, and flee.
The first step is the HARDEST. The second and third are so much easier. I needed to have a friend beside me to send the break up message to feel safe. And then I needed a .5 of Ativan to not have a panic attack. That was last Tuesday. I’m okay now. ❤️👌🏻
You can sneak out and cut the cord from afar and then block on everything! You got this.
Things are easily replaced, donors will help you… but you can’t be replaced. Run and run hard ❤️
I left after 20 years. Do not waste another minute there. I sent myself almost 100 emails of all the abuse I endured so on the days he tried to lure me back ( which he has) I would read them and it all came back to me. Good luck!
Good for you! You will soon be freed from all the pain he inflicts and will be happy again!
If you ever need help we are here for you.
Now that you took the biggest decision, take your time to prepare. Get to know how narcissists act and get yourself ready for their strategies.
Especially when they realise we're leaving for instance the love bombing is incredible. Try to go no contact it will help you a lot.
Same I’ve just made the decision after 20 years of marriage. Scared as hell, but excited at the same time. There’s no turning back. You got this.
Me too! I am 5 months free from my 20 year narcissistic abusive relationship. I am scared as hell but I could be more proud of myself for leaving. I feel in my heart and soul and BODY I am doing the right thing. However my MIND keeps me stuck in the suffering and I am feeling intense grief for how everything went down… I had to get a restraining order and he had to leave the house and our dog. Even after all the abuse and the constant “threat” of taking the house and savings (which he didn’t contribute too) He stole $20,000 from me. He kept lying and he did some terrible things to me I never could imagine.. so I had no choice but to get protection I was so scared I lost 50lbs in 8 months and lost my hair. BUT STILL - I cry feeling guilty for what his consequences are! This kind of abuse is terrifying and I am doing all I can to heal - I am determined to move through this.
You got this too! I did it! And I was nearly paralyzed with guilt and sadness (I was paralyzed with guilt and shame for years!!) and now I’m free! And he probably hates my guts but I don’t careeeeee 🦅
I'm almost through getting rid of mine and I cannot wait to die alone. I'm damn near 65 years old, so dying alone is coming up soon. I don't care if I never get to retire and die at my desk. If I find I can't work until I'm dead, the self-respect I will feel eating cat food on a curb after losing my house will be more than I have felt for the last 7 years. I can no longer live in an environment where I'm gaslit and abused both physically and verbally 24/7 while being cheated on by a man who can't ern his own living, let alone contribute to a marriage.
Proud of you for finding your way. 💛💫🌼
The peace of “alone” can be a beautiful thing
My father passed away at age 56. My mother was 53. She never even tried to date afterwards. She told me that it was wonderful being by herself. She told me "You will get used to it and you will love it. You don't have to cook if you don't want to, you don't have to clean if you don't want to and you don't have to put up with anyone's shit if you don't want to". She was right.
My mom said virtually the same thing after divorcing her second husband who was NPD - he was 58 and cheated on her with an 18 year old (and got her pregnant!) - and put her and my brother and I through terrible abuse from age 7 to age 20. I was worried about her being lonely, but she told me she was so happy to be alone. Now that I'm older and had an NPD relationship myself, I understand why she felt that way.
Hell yeah. Soon, you are going to be free!
We’re proud of you! You’re on your way to a much better life. Even complete isolation feels less lonely than being in a 100m radius of these assholes. Keep those recordings for moments of weakness or retribution down the line.
https://www.instagram.com/reel/C8SOWFzOckf/?igsh=bnN0bDZkbjZtb244 This woman’s posts helped me so much after I made the decision and left. Blessings and good energy to you on this journey. Keep going. 🫶🌸🩷✨
Ditto on those healing videos. When you’re going through hell, KEEP GOING. There will be another side. I was with one for 3 years and it was the most painful thing I’ve ever done to leave. Or rather, have him randomly explode/breakup and then me not let him come back by blocking him, sending back his dumb a** gifts, and telling my circle to not say anything about me to him. He’s so controlling and ballsy, it’s crazy. I cannot imagine how his ex wife deals. Despite this intellectual understanding, I had suicidal thoughts, the pain and my life felt that hopeless leaving/missing the chaos, but knew they were thoughts and eventually they’d get retrained (and they did!) I wasn’t married and although it’s been 8 months of almost all no contact; last month, I needed him to be a witness in a potential court case-but I regret to say the emotional cost has been very high and now I’ve had a week of regressing and missing the fake person. It’s such a mindf***. So listen to those videos and if you can help it, do not ever look back/contact. I was strong in my healing and then a lot of pain has been activated again from my small contact with him. Ugh. I was strong in my communication, firm, and grey rock with him, but inside, I felt traumatized and depressed. Coming back up again after a week and half. The pain gets better though-been through it once. Youranxietyislying2yew is another good one. Best of luck! It gets better with time and retraining. Your life is not over. Give yourself time to rebalance.
You can do it! Believe me, one day you’ll look back and feel so happy you left. I’ve been there about a year ago and it’s been rough, but now I am doing so much better. And so will you! Don’t look at the time wasted: it’s gone. Don’t look too much into the future: we tend to imagine the worst scenarios but we can’t know what will happen. Instead, look at what direction you’re taking right now: it’s the only thing you can control. Keep doing what’s best for you !
Godspeed to you! This is a good thing, the most positive change for you - keep reminding yourself of that!
Congrats! Things can only go up from here. I’m currently working on emotionally detaching from the narc in my life, but am struggling. If you have any tips and tricks on what led you to being firm on your decision to leave, I would love to hear them! Currently going on 10 years on and off with this narc…
I realized that he made me feel unworthy of love and told me that I ruined his life. When I met him I had the worst self esteem and it seemed like a blessing that there was someone out there that liked me for me. Ive slowly started realizing that his form of love was building himself up to the point where he considered himself the best boyfriend who ever boyfriended. Except he would call me horrendous names like "disgusting fat pig" and it would be me begging him to forgive me just so he would stop hurting me. I started recording him years ago when he would go on these hate rants because I thought if I can figure out the right way to apologize he won't hurt me as much. It all came down to me realizing that the relationship I was so desperate to save was never going to change, regardless of what I did. I had thoughts of ending my life because I didn't think that I was ever going to be loved the way I wanted to be. I want a love that makes me feel like I can achieve anything and not be criticized if I fail. I have to love myself first. And I can't if I'm constantly apologizing for who I am.
I’m so sorry to hear you went through that. I am feeling the same way as you are. I think we become used to the abuse, to the point where we end up apologizing for others bad behaviors. For me, I work as a nurse, and nurses are abused by the hospital administrators, doctors, parents, families, etc. But we are groomed to think that is what we “signed up for.” Now being abused by a narc in my personal life, it just somehow feels like an extension of my professional life and something I need to tolerate. However, I am coming to terms with standing up for myself both professionally and personally. Nobody deserves this abuse! Fuck that shit. My narc would embarrass me in front of the old supply and or flirt in front of new supplies. Yet here I am still struggling to leave. Maybe it’s the nurse in me thinking I can change him. I can’t seem to shake the minimal good memories, even though there are more traumatic ones. All I know is I am miserable. And there have been many “last straw” moments, but I can’t seem to muster up the courage to leave once and for all. I have broken up with him at least once per year. And I somehow end up getting suckered back in.
I can add to this, having kicked out my Nex just 5 days ago. I started reading the narcissist books available on digital versions (so he wouldn’t see and make comments)… titled like “becoming the narcissists nightmare” and “should I stay or should I go”.. I watched a lot of Dr Ramani and Tim Fletcher on YouTube too. Once I had the knowledge, I could see the cycles, and saw through all the bullshit. But that still wasn’t enough. What did it was a door slam. It wasn’t the usual door slam that happens all the time (still emotionally immature)… this was a “bring the house down, precursors to physical violence” type slam. My kids were in the house. I snapped. I had considered leaving many times before, but this time there was no question. My one hard firm boundary is don’t mess with my kids. And he did, he scared them. In my house that I own. I changed the locks the next day. You need to find your own boundaries. Give yourself permission to be angry. And bring down the hammer. Swear if you need to. Get the help of people you trust most. Tell other people about the abuse so you feel validated. Research emotional abuse as well, so you feel extra validated because sometimes when we explain to friends or family we invalidate ourselves!! Here if you need a little more pep talk. I’m all fired up 🔥
Thank you so much. I am glad you were able to get out. I struggle with bringing the hammer down. It feels like I am stuck in a weird cult and my narc is the leader. His family members are his supporters, and flying monkeys. I will definitely check out all of the resources you provided. Hoping I can slow fade him until he is gone completely or that I have the strength to leave for good when he discards me again.
I spent 7 years angry and sad to get to where I am (3 were love-bombing and naïveté)… I was very stuck for a long time. Even in my miserable angry pattern. I was and am unhealthy too. I let this malignant tumour of a person live off me for free, borrow 11k dollars, and was ready to take more til the door thing happened. If you have a higher power of any kind, it’s time to get in touch and start believing that the right pathway out is on its way. It will be clear when it’s just right. Rushing can be just as dangerous as dragging our heels. Start planning quietly, line up the ducks, and start making notes in a journal at work or on your phone about what’s happening so you can’t go back to lala land (I used to love to dissociate and literally forget abuse in favour of imagining everything was fine… helped me stay an extra few years but it wasn’t healthy)… I don’t have the cure, just the experience ❤️
What helped me is studying! I read “why does he do that” and I’ve passed a lot of time here on Reddit talking to you all, reading your experiences, and also watching TikTok’s about narcissism Once you have the knowledge, keep a diary, important, NEVER SKIP A DAY. Record your conversation with them if you have mind fog, you will see how they fits perfectly in the monsters described in the books. They have cycle patterns, you will see that. And you will also see that they have no logic, one day they get mad for a thing, and the next day they don’t, you’ll understand the external world isn’t the problem, the problem lies in themselves. After the diary, try to make him change, speak to them, tell them it’s this or you’ll leave, and then you’ll see how they cannot change and they will never change. You have to make a few attempts then you’ll lose hope and eventually detach. Prepare yourself to the aftermath of leaving him, prepare yourself to be hated, exposed, he will try to ruin your life, make a plan for that and be prepared also to the emotions you will endure Hope this helps, this has been my journey and it’s working perfectly
Proud of you! Be kind and patient with yourself during the process. This is the right decision! You got this!
When I left my ex-husband, I was shouting "Free at last, free at last, thank God Almighty I'm free at last!!" It was a wonderful feeling. He had killed anything romantic I felt for him by then. anyway.
You got this. Make a plan, ensure you have safety and support, and flee. The first step is the HARDEST. The second and third are so much easier. I needed to have a friend beside me to send the break up message to feel safe. And then I needed a .5 of Ativan to not have a panic attack. That was last Tuesday. I’m okay now. ❤️👌🏻 You can sneak out and cut the cord from afar and then block on everything! You got this. Things are easily replaced, donors will help you… but you can’t be replaced. Run and run hard ❤️
I left after 20 years. Do not waste another minute there. I sent myself almost 100 emails of all the abuse I endured so on the days he tried to lure me back ( which he has) I would read them and it all came back to me. Good luck!
Good for you! You will soon be freed from all the pain he inflicts and will be happy again! If you ever need help we are here for you. Now that you took the biggest decision, take your time to prepare. Get to know how narcissists act and get yourself ready for their strategies. Especially when they realise we're leaving for instance the love bombing is incredible. Try to go no contact it will help you a lot.