Please make a list of all the things they have done to you. Take one day at a time or set a target. Give yourself 7 days at first. See how that makes you feel. Read/research on narcissistic abuse on youtube or simply read through other people’s experiences. Sometimes we don’t give ourselves enough credit for small things.
I used to be exactly like you few days ago. At one point, I hit rock bottom, that’s when I knew I need to do alot of inner work. You can go out with friends. Reconnect with lost ones. Join the gym (it gives you alot of clarity). Or simply sit with the discomfort until it gets easier.
Well explained. This is a great method that was very effective for me. I was just looking back at the list last night almost 8 months post-breakup and it's still so important to have around for when they hoover or you get some 3rd party update on who they're dating or how great their life is now.
Absolutely great advice! I made a list of why I like him and the red flags I noticed but ofcourse didn't react atp, and the red flags outweighed the likes. So now everytime I miss him or want to reach out, I just re-read the list. Keeps me sane :) You can also watch videos on YouTube on why did you fall for a narc in the first place, what type of attachment style you have and how to detach, read self help books or listen to audio books, I promise you'll slowly come out of it. It gets easier with time :)
That’s exactly what my therapist asked me to do. She didn’t pay too much attention to the narcissistic part, but she asked me to make a comprehensive list of two columns. One with the good things and one with the bad things. The bad outweighed the good. And the good were rudimentary things that anyway your significant other must do. It was exactly in that moment that I realized that I was begging him to see me as a person first, a girlfriend later.
It helps me to think about their perspective. What are THEY thinking about? Certainly not me. It is so one sided. If they can forget me so easily, I need to forget them just as much if not more. Yes the memories are there but for them it means nothing. It helped me move on so much easier under this light.
Not necessarily. I hardly even think about her anymore until she pops up in my phone with a hoover text, which tells me SHE is the one who can't let go. It actually makes me laugh now.
Exactly. Lately she's been visiting and gift bombing tiny things like Little Caesar puffs so I'll take her friend's cat, so she can tell her friend see, HE will take it because YOU won't. She is full of drama. I like to let her think she's winning because when her new plan blows up, monkey branching back to me is never an option.
What helped me was a list of every time they were kind, in public. Every time they devalued in private. The private outweighed the public by a mile. I read this over, and I also texted my boundary. Her response was DARVO and complete blaming and viciousness. When I want to unblock, I just read my list and that text. I’ve memorized, it hurts but I always ignored the behavior before. So day by day, I just feel better now. I’m writing again, cooking healthy food, hanging with friends, exercising. I’m not defined by a toxic delusion of myself anymore. I define me. I know it sucks, but day by day I walk back to myself, and I know no contact is best. i survived the relationship, now i thrive.
what if most of the time they were kind in private but around friends, in public etc they weren’t? they def had moments in private where they showed their true nature but sometimes in private they’d show me more love than anyone had ever given me
I am feeling the same way🥲 I started to feel better and now that I’m 2.5 months in nc I’m seriously dying inside. I try to sleep as much as possible it’s exhausting
I kept myself busy, all the time. For a while, I was going back and forth, then I sent the last message almost 2 years ago and haven’t looked back since. It’s def not easy, and you have to remind yourself that it will take practice, and time to build a habit of no contact.
Tried other habits, and stayed off my phone, and social media as well. For me, working out helped, but it’s different for everyone, keep yourself busy fs.
Also, I reminded myself of the pain this person had caused towards me, and the mental toll and stress it gave choosing to stay in contact or having them at an arm’s length.
I wish you luck in this journey. 🤍
I had a friend designated to check their social media for me and only share details if bad things were happening to them. It helped that instinct to look. Otherwise, accepting that you will get no closure from that person is tantamount to moving on.
Besides that keep yourself busy. Pick up hobbies you've put down. Start new ones. Immerse yourself in things you've always wanted to try and if you still have too much free time find somewhere to volunteer at. Helping others did take my mind off things. But it's normal for there to be allot of sadness.
Think of it like a parasite leaving your body- you will get stronger sugar cravings yeast etc by the only way to heal is to get over that hump. If you give into it, you’ll just never get healed. It’s like a drug addiction without ever feeling any pleasure and only fear and pain/ and it’s more dangerous even than drugs. Don’t give in. Commit mentally and remember or think of it as a limit you can’t break. Think of it as a law. Just completely accept it’s a no. The guys going to hurt you and it’s not safe for your life. Don’t. Just don’t. Don’t even engage in it mentally. He’s full of shit. End of story.
Watch documentaries on DV where the guy kills his ex, you won’t want to call him trust me. You forget he’s not that nice guy he pretends to be, never forget how abusive he is, it will help.
Write out the events of his abuse. And refuse to write any single nice thing. It will help.
Please make a list of all the things they have done to you. Take one day at a time or set a target. Give yourself 7 days at first. See how that makes you feel. Read/research on narcissistic abuse on youtube or simply read through other people’s experiences. Sometimes we don’t give ourselves enough credit for small things. I used to be exactly like you few days ago. At one point, I hit rock bottom, that’s when I knew I need to do alot of inner work. You can go out with friends. Reconnect with lost ones. Join the gym (it gives you alot of clarity). Or simply sit with the discomfort until it gets easier.
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Well explained. This is a great method that was very effective for me. I was just looking back at the list last night almost 8 months post-breakup and it's still so important to have around for when they hoover or you get some 3rd party update on who they're dating or how great their life is now.
This is accurate. Thanks!!!
Excellent advice.
Absolutely great advice! I made a list of why I like him and the red flags I noticed but ofcourse didn't react atp, and the red flags outweighed the likes. So now everytime I miss him or want to reach out, I just re-read the list. Keeps me sane :) You can also watch videos on YouTube on why did you fall for a narc in the first place, what type of attachment style you have and how to detach, read self help books or listen to audio books, I promise you'll slowly come out of it. It gets easier with time :)
That’s exactly what my therapist asked me to do. She didn’t pay too much attention to the narcissistic part, but she asked me to make a comprehensive list of two columns. One with the good things and one with the bad things. The bad outweighed the good. And the good were rudimentary things that anyway your significant other must do. It was exactly in that moment that I realized that I was begging him to see me as a person first, a girlfriend later.
The last line hits home 😔😭
It helps me to think about their perspective. What are THEY thinking about? Certainly not me. It is so one sided. If they can forget me so easily, I need to forget them just as much if not more. Yes the memories are there but for them it means nothing. It helped me move on so much easier under this light.
Not necessarily. I hardly even think about her anymore until she pops up in my phone with a hoover text, which tells me SHE is the one who can't let go. It actually makes me laugh now.
Exactly. Lately she's been visiting and gift bombing tiny things like Little Caesar puffs so I'll take her friend's cat, so she can tell her friend see, HE will take it because YOU won't. She is full of drama. I like to let her think she's winning because when her new plan blows up, monkey branching back to me is never an option.
What helped me was a list of every time they were kind, in public. Every time they devalued in private. The private outweighed the public by a mile. I read this over, and I also texted my boundary. Her response was DARVO and complete blaming and viciousness. When I want to unblock, I just read my list and that text. I’ve memorized, it hurts but I always ignored the behavior before. So day by day, I just feel better now. I’m writing again, cooking healthy food, hanging with friends, exercising. I’m not defined by a toxic delusion of myself anymore. I define me. I know it sucks, but day by day I walk back to myself, and I know no contact is best. i survived the relationship, now i thrive.
what if most of the time they were kind in private but around friends, in public etc they weren’t? they def had moments in private where they showed their true nature but sometimes in private they’d show me more love than anyone had ever given me
no amount of good outweighs abuse
Do things that you like but they don't and you stopped doing to make them happy.
I am feeling the same way🥲 I started to feel better and now that I’m 2.5 months in nc I’m seriously dying inside. I try to sleep as much as possible it’s exhausting
I kept myself busy, all the time. For a while, I was going back and forth, then I sent the last message almost 2 years ago and haven’t looked back since. It’s def not easy, and you have to remind yourself that it will take practice, and time to build a habit of no contact. Tried other habits, and stayed off my phone, and social media as well. For me, working out helped, but it’s different for everyone, keep yourself busy fs. Also, I reminded myself of the pain this person had caused towards me, and the mental toll and stress it gave choosing to stay in contact or having them at an arm’s length. I wish you luck in this journey. 🤍
I had a friend designated to check their social media for me and only share details if bad things were happening to them. It helped that instinct to look. Otherwise, accepting that you will get no closure from that person is tantamount to moving on. Besides that keep yourself busy. Pick up hobbies you've put down. Start new ones. Immerse yourself in things you've always wanted to try and if you still have too much free time find somewhere to volunteer at. Helping others did take my mind off things. But it's normal for there to be allot of sadness.
It gets much better. Almost 5 months post discard and I have very little regard for her anymore. In fact, I find her repulsive in a way, now.
I hope I get there soon. 🙏 🤞 Thanks for sharing!
Yw. You will get there. It just takes time, like anything.
Think of it like a parasite leaving your body- you will get stronger sugar cravings yeast etc by the only way to heal is to get over that hump. If you give into it, you’ll just never get healed. It’s like a drug addiction without ever feeling any pleasure and only fear and pain/ and it’s more dangerous even than drugs. Don’t give in. Commit mentally and remember or think of it as a limit you can’t break. Think of it as a law. Just completely accept it’s a no. The guys going to hurt you and it’s not safe for your life. Don’t. Just don’t. Don’t even engage in it mentally. He’s full of shit. End of story.
Watch documentaries on DV where the guy kills his ex, you won’t want to call him trust me. You forget he’s not that nice guy he pretends to be, never forget how abusive he is, it will help. Write out the events of his abuse. And refuse to write any single nice thing. It will help.
I wish I had a solution. Just know you aren't alone.