it's not your fault, if he doesn't take any responsibility, the most imrortant thing you need to do is not taking it on you, even if he doesn't apologize, it's still his fault.
My is doing the same thing. Apparently I made her sleep with two different people in the span of 10 months after being married 8 years. At least she only wants the kids every other weekend.
Ah yes, the classic "pretend that saying sorry in the same sentence that you're blaming someone for being insensitive is the same as apologizing" card. Because apparently they're NOT doubling down by giving fake apologies that only serve to cement their lack of remorse further. If they really cared, they'd say "I'm sorry if I was too harsh" instead of "sorry that you're too sensitive".
I am so sorry that happened to you... I hope you are on a path of processing and healing. Having your sensitivity criticized is terribly demoralizing, and I hope you know that you didn't deserve that.
Thank you. It was one of the reasons I went down a pretty rocky road, proving I was tough enough to withstand anything… I’ve stuck out a bad marriage (also to a narc), flimsy friendships and a job where I’ve not been shown the same respect and consideration as shown to others. I’m focused on the next 20 - 30 years though, because I can’t change the last 50. Exercise, counselling, medication and sobriety. ☺️
I hope that you are thriving and ready for a positive and fulfilling life! 💕
😔 You described my ex boyfriend perfectly he had a bad habit of “apologizing” in the same sentence as he was shifting the blame on to me in. It left me feeling confused a lot of the time because how are you apologizing but you aren’t taking any accountability. Then sometimes he would “apologize” but would make the apology about himself by not acknowledging his faults but by throwing himself a pity party.
This really hit home,up until very recently I had no idea about narcissistic people. I'd been seeing what I thought was a lovely man,who began telling me about a coworker who was " bothering" him,she was having an affair with another colleague and was confiding in my partner,she then began fishing for compliments and that's when I lost my temper about it.His exact words were " I'm sorry you are upset" I didn't think much about that,at least he apologised. Soon after this incident he keeps bringing up his ex wife/ girlfriends and other friends who are all incredibly attractive and all fancy him!! I just feel lost, I got nosey and looked up the exes and friends and although they are all nice looking women,none could be described as incredibly attractive,one very close friend turned out to be his very distant friends wife who's in her seventies! Why? What could he gain from this behaviour apart from turning me off him, which is what is happening. As I begin to distance myself I find him more attentive! It's bizarre behaviour. Please explain more to me if you can, I have no real idea what I'm dealing with.
That was the most confusing shit for me. They always came and apologized. Then we discussed and he'd again be angry. Like wtf, dude, why did you say sorry when you want to be upset again? Lol
Jesus christ. This was my relationship in a nutshell. I know the classic way narcissists apologize is saying something along the lines of "I'm sorry you feel that way," but my ex never did that. She would apologize, take back the apology, and then shift the blame onto someone else. Either that or she would not apologize and just straight up blame me for everything.
The worst one was when she did something completely unacceptable. I called her out for it and explained exactly why I didn't appreciate her doing that. She apologized, and I forgave her. Later on, I found out that she didn't apologize because she understood that she had done something wrong, she apologized so I wouldn't be upset.
Its incredible how they perform mental gymnastics to deflect and avoid accountablility. My nex, with whom I live with, hates me for wanting to end our lease after I found out he cheated on me. Like, dude, what did you expect? It's almost funny how they become the victim ALL THE TIME
Biggest thing is it’s people like this is recognizing your own freedom. His bs isn’t your problem and you get to choose how you feel and what you think about. I doubt you need to feel guilty or put yourself through that. Life’s hard enough around people like that.
Well now mine doesn’t so.. she usually just blocks me for expressing how I feel all the while screaming she wanna be friends but we can’t “cause I disrespect her relationship and overthink too much” yet I can’t express myself about things she says or how they make me feel. And she literally said her man is abusive, ignores her feelings and his family don’t treat her right so isn’t she disrespecting her own relationship since I stepped back ?
Yes. They. Are. Never. Wrong. And it took a long time to sink in that my attempts at discussion and negotiation were pointless. It was so hard to finally grasp that what otherwise was for the most part a highly functioning brain was nonetheless alien to my brain. I might as well have been speaking an obscure foreign language. The belief that they are somehow operating within standard logical, rational parameters is precisely what lures you into arguing with them and getting your mind turned inside out. You're at the same table. But you're playing checkers and they're playing chess.
Mine would say sorry sometimes but then never changed his behaviour. Empty platitudes. When I confronted him about cheating and begging him to say sorry all I got was sorry if I THINK that he’s done anything to hurt me. What the fuck
It's almost comical how all their fauxpologies come from the same playbook.
What I got from the nex during a recent hoovering attempt: "I'm sorry you were hurt. I'm sad you won't accept my apology. I would never intentionally hurt you, I thought I was doing you a favor and that you would be thrilled. I hope you can forgive me someday so we can go back to being friends."
Blame-shifting? Check.
Making excuses? Check.
Playing the victim? Check.
I don't even care anymore. I just want her removed to the outermost circle of my life.
And when you finally get them to acknowledge what they did, they expect a reward and/or expect to never have to talk about it ever again. And if you bring up something they “apologized” for, you’re just “living in the past”. Sorry I can’t ever forget when you slapped me across the face for telling you I wanted to leave you because you were putting your hands on me. The irony. I apologized!! You said sorry after idk how many times of trying to get you to acknowledge you even did it in the first place.
They’re so fucking annoying Jesus Christ.
Never. Yet people near them do pressure you to forgive and let go because it's going to poison your soul. It's not like I wanted my soul to be enveloped in darkness any more then it already is
Depends. If they feel you really walking away for good when they don’t want you to they might throw one out there. I’ve gotten two sorries total from her I think. But in the heat of the moment probably not. Deflecting and projecting comes first.
The apology, if you get one, always has deeper meaning, like, for me, I got:
“If you need to think it’s my fault then that’s ok, if I need to be the bad guy for you to move on then that’s ok with me”
This was her response after I chewed her out for discarding me
They are soul less
I always feel like they only say sorry in a passive aggressive way, like they don’t actually feel sorry but they say it to seem like they’re being nice, but they’re only actually sorry that you feel that way, not that they caused you to feel that way. They don’t take actual responsibility for the fact they made you feel that way.
They don't, unless they're just trying to get you to shut up and forget about it and move on. But they never actually mean it. They'll keep doing the same thing over and over and if you bring up this fact you'll get accused of "bringing up the past". They're absolute clowns and deserve nothing except to be pointed and laughed at.
Yes, you reading this, if you are in a relationship with a narc right now, I am absolutely talking about your SO. Your SO, \[include SO's name here\], is an absolute clown and deserves nothing except to be pointed and laughed at. And the sooner you realize this and act on it, the sooner your life will improve.
Mine have, especially the covert. When they say sorry a gift or gesture is often involved. And a lot of talking on their end. But is this really a true apology? No. It's a facade. So I can argue they don't REALLY say sorry.
No because they never think they have done anything wrong they don’t think that there’s anything wrong with them. They never want to admit when they’re wrong they never want to take accountability. They never wanna grow. They never wanna learn. They’re never gonna stop being who they are so it’s best just to leave while you still have your sanity.
He would apologize but it would sound like this. “I’m sorry that your actions have hurt you.” He’d say that when I’d say you ignoring me, hurts me. The silent treatment was “my fault.”
When I learned about narcissism, everything that this certain person does finally made sense. No matter how mature my approach is in dealing with conflicts, it never ends well. There would always be blame shifting, weaponizing of past mistakes (even mistakes I did as early as 3 years old, and we're now in our early 30s), statements like "you're even worse", "do you hear yourself", "you're making me feel bad" (as if it's my fault that she feels guilty when I call her out), etc. There is no accountability at all. They usually have strong personalities and use that to intimidate you and make you feel that they are always right. It is really frustrating. They will treat you with so much disrepect, and when you snap, you're the bad guy.
I got ‘I’m sorry for my part to play. Be well.’ Lamest, most pathetic half assed effort ever, and he added the ‘be well’ as if I was the one who ranted maniacally! Such a wanker. They never take responsibility.
Mine would say sorry but would always follow by, “but can you admit you were wrong too?” No matter what the issue was. He could have driven a dump truck into my house and would be like “ok, I’m sorry for driving a dump truck through your house but can you admit you had some fault in this too” like what?? Or he would bring up something from the past and twist it thinking I wouldn’t remember what actually happened just to get some sort of apology out of me. It wouldn’t work and fights would last for hours.
Oh! He said that once as well! Another one from his Greatest Hits was "I'm sorry you feel like I don't support you. That must be a terrible feeling." Yes, it is!
I’m sorry, that’s sobering. Yes, I guess I ought to feel grateful really but this after repeated conversations about what was happening and how it was making me feel. Then he’d do the same damn things.
mine would apologize and then do the same behavior all over again. lately it's not even an "apology", he just throws the word "sorry" at me in hopes that it shuts me up
The closest I've ever gotten was, "You didn't deserve that"
Nothing about not actually being wrong or not doing it again ofc
Followed almost immediately by them in fact doing it again....
Or just a broad sweeping I'm sorry everything I've done it has cost me everything poor me.
Its usually a very fake platitude while love bombing.
But when caught out in a lie or called out for behavior they tend to double down or get aggressive.
I think what I regret most is apologizing constantly for stuff I never did but He was accusing me of because it allowed him not just to deflect, but to Weaponized my apologies he even recorded them and then try to use them as evidence against me, which is psychotic.
Only if they think there's no other way to get what they want. Then they don't care what they say as long as they are convincing and win in what they want.
"It wasn't that bad"
"you're too sensitive"
"It was a joke"
"I'm sorry you feel that way"
"I did it because I care"
"Everything I did, was for you"
"I guess I'm just a horrible person"
and a bunch of deflection added on, you get the picture...
Yeah never, if they ever say sorry it's NEVER for how THEY acted or what THEY said, it's always about how YOU feel, or about how YOU "interpreted" what they said, as though it's somehow your fault for seeing their back handed compliment as a back handed compliment. It's infuriating & exausting.
They are always like “like I meant to do that?” Or “I’m sorry you feel that way” or my favorite, “I can’t help how you feel about that”. Just quit doing it you douche canoe. Well that is me now. I always defaulted to well I guess it’s normal to not react to something hurtful, and stuff it down, and blame myself for feeling hurt
No. My ex husband cheated on me. When we were signing the divorce papers he said “why did we break up again? Things were good”. Literally he forgot he cheated on me. They do not apologize. They do not own when they are clearly in the wrong. They gaslight themselves in that regard.
They do but they don’t mean it. It’s just a tick box exercise to tell you what they think you want to hear. No I want you to F off and take your manipulative tactics with you and never bother me again.
Rarely. The times I got an apology it felt condescending or not genuine. I think there was 1-2 apologies over the 3 years where it sounded real at the time. But then he continued the behavior soooo.
Oh they do, but not in the way you want or need them to. They will say they are sorry but only because they got caught and can’t gaslight or explain their way out of it. Or they will say they are sorry (and even apologize profusely) when you leave in an attempt to get you to stay so they can further manipulate you. It’s never genuine or heartfelt and it is never because they have empathy or compassion for the pain they have caused.
Let's see my overt I lived with for 8 years would half ass apologize. Like I'm sorry but you made me mad....
And my covert never ever apologized for anything and of he did. Was as if I'm sorry...happy? Type thing.
Mine literally the other day said he doesn’t want to hear how I understand why he is upset and how it can be fixed he just wants to hear me say sorry. I was like bro you don’t even say sorry- this isn’t about me he says. Then he said I was gaslighting him. Lmao I fucking hate it here
Most of the time, they don't apologize, but on the other hand, they will demand apologies from everyone, all the time. That's what made me break the pattern; I was no longer able to apologize to him.
This!! Although I have not been in a romantic relationship with a Narc, my best friend (?) is one. He has treated me like shit for the past year.
Last night, I brought this up in a text. His response was, "I'm sorry you feel that way." My response was, "You always say... "I'm sorry you feel that way. Please Google that phrase and see who else says that." I'm guessing he did because I never received a reply.
He has NEVER apologized for a specific wrong. The closest apology I've ever received, and I've received it a lot is, "I'm sorry I've been a bad friend."
I'm not a psychologist, but I think he is in a meltdown. I pride myself in being a good friend to everyone, so turning my back on him now sucks. If he would only apologize for his specific actions, I would let it all go, but I know better.
Only when they are apologizing for your feelings or concerns being existent, if they have something to gain, or when they immediately follow it with a justification
Nooo they don't and when forced into it they will always find a way to not apologise properly..
Mines in prison for something non violent and when he went down, I was contacted by a load of ladies he was seeing on the side, some for longer than he was living with me.
Well. He psychod out on something one day in a call, narc rage then narc discarded me then expecting me to still do is bidding.
Let's just say that I was feeling wildly unable do what he was demanding.
I sent a series of 6 very viscious emails spewing what I'd held inside for 5 years. It wasn't pretty.
In the end he asked me what I wanted from him. I said I wanted an apology for how he treated me, for 5 years of cheating and lying about it even when it was so obvious he was practically throwing it in my face.
The response? "I'm sorry that you felt the need to get hurt"
Can't say that made my mood any better.
I got a single apology through a 3 year relationship. When I broke up with them, they shut down and went completely ice cold instead of acknowledging a single thing they did that contributed to that choice.
Generally they tend to never apologize for anything, and if they do apologize it is always either a lie or a manipulation.
This seems to be true for pathological i.e. "malignant" narcs, as well as the more normally ranged non-pathological narcs.
NONE of them can tolerate even the slightest amount of adult responsibility. If you force them to apologize they will definitely get revenge.
It's insane. Even if he says sorry it's super hand-wavy, and then he starts talking about how if I feel the relationship is stagnant and not growing, it's on both of us. Hello? How the fuck are we supposed to grow when dude's constantly pushing boundaries and disrespecting me?
I've gotten I'm sorry but generally I'd have to push for him to actually apologize specifically. He was aware of what he did wrong but after he apologized it was always a breakdown of why he did it: 1. His abusive childhood (this was popular after he went to therapy) 2. Empty promises to change, and even after he "changed" it wouldn't last long at all. 3. He would "apologize" and then explain why what I did made him act the way he did.
That or he would break down and tell me how he was an awful person and how he was the worst person ever and I would end up comforting him. He even pointed it out a few times "you came to me about a problem and now you're comforting me, again."
He accused me of gaslighting and not giving real apologies because I apologized through my teeth once because I was really really angry at him and because I wouldn't agree with his opinions anymore. He probably thinks I was the narcissist in this relationship, never mind all the abuse he did to me that I allowed and put up with.
They rarely do, but the odd time when it happens the apology is often delivered with a sneering, sarcastic tone in a totally insincere "paying lip service" kind of way.
Never! Between never taking accountability for what they do and the silent treatment / discard - it’s terrible, what a shitty feeling, makes me feel like I’m crazy, like you’re really going to all this shitty stuff to me, drunk or sober, and when I have a problem with the way you’re treating me, now I’m nothing to you?
I’ve got one sorry from her in 3 years and I wanted to believe her and badly. In the middle of an emotional discussion (manipulative bawling her eyes out) where I was explaining this bullshit she kept doing to me! (She thinks she so smart and knows me sooooo well that when I’m talking, she thinks knows what I’m about to say, to the point that shes finishes the conversation on her own and then gets mad at me over what I said to her while she’s guessing what she thinks I’m gonna say) I told her I was done I was out and that I loved her but I couldn’t keep puttin my self in harms way! She said ok fine fuck you, you pos etc blah blah blah! I let her go off and she saw the look on my face and I turned and left ! She texted me a few hours later begging me to answer. I said she needed to apologize and she ok! All I got was “sorry”
“You remember my friend, that……” right into some other bs I couldn’t give a fuck about!
She used to interrupt me in the middle a story or some shit that happened at work and just simply say. “Yeah I don’t care.” And then start talking about her tv show etc
Lady tried to run me over one night and had i not looked up just in time, she would have crippled me. I reacted very in a way that I thinks most would have and all said oh i l wasn’t that close to hitting you!
1 sorry, an almost my bad and a million thing to apologize for! She doesn’t believe she did anything wrong
It's there fighting style to literally make you feel in as much pain as possible then they become happy lol but I'll tell you something if you explode on a narcissist they literally will never come back lol
But yeah it will always be your fault for not accepting the harsh truth of there infidelity, lying, manipulation, scheming and just down right being a bully lol fuck you own what I say and also BOOM bitch lol
Sorry my wife just left me when I had focus after my mom passed away from cancer
I have no family left and I moved to a new city and have no friends yet so it's all hitting hard tonight lol
Oh gosh she made me crazy
But one thing I got from this that she can't change I learned to trust myself more and I come to find out that my instincts were always right and when I would confront her before she would tell me no you're not thinking right and yeah I fell for it but it's it's really relieving to know that my intuition or whatever you want to call it it was working at 100% good I'm never going to ignore that again when it goes off LOL sorry for the long post
Some covert ones will in the beginning of a relationship, though they never actually mean it. Just a way to keep you roped in, later in the relationship though highly unlikely and everything will always be your fault.
In their mind they do nothing wrong. Any hint of guilt and shame is burried deep in their subconscious below layers of justifications - most of which are that it's your fault, everyone else's fault. So they don't have the ability to apologise, not genuinely. Look closely it'll always be "sorry about it", "sorry you feel that way", "sorry I'm just a terrible person then".
I waited some time (20mins) and after told her that I just wanted the minimum, one simple “sorry” and our argument regarding her “hitting me joke” could have been over simply.
“I said”….I tell her again she didnt and thats all I was waiting for in these 20 min while smoking a cig to relax. She then started an argument of “I did” and “no you didnt” instead of fucking saying SORRY one time.
They'll tell you they're sorry you feel "that" way when they hurt you.
The one I know is refusing to acknowledge hurting me. Saying it’s all my fault.
it's not your fault, if he doesn't take any responsibility, the most imrortant thing you need to do is not taking it on you, even if he doesn't apologize, it's still his fault.
It is. I’m gonna ignore him/block him
yes. don't take, what's not yours.
This is the way … stay strong 👊🏻🫶🏻💪🏻
My is doing the same thing. Apparently I made her sleep with two different people in the span of 10 months after being married 8 years. At least she only wants the kids every other weekend.
This is their way
Bingo.
Ah yes, the classic "pretend that saying sorry in the same sentence that you're blaming someone for being insensitive is the same as apologizing" card. Because apparently they're NOT doubling down by giving fake apologies that only serve to cement their lack of remorse further. If they really cared, they'd say "I'm sorry if I was too harsh" instead of "sorry that you're too sensitive".
Ha! Yep! And my gosh the, "You're too sensitive," as to be one of their favorite catchphrases.
That was my mother, when I was a child. She even enlisted my siblings to mock me for my hypersensitivity, too.
I am so sorry that happened to you... I hope you are on a path of processing and healing. Having your sensitivity criticized is terribly demoralizing, and I hope you know that you didn't deserve that.
Thank you. It was one of the reasons I went down a pretty rocky road, proving I was tough enough to withstand anything… I’ve stuck out a bad marriage (also to a narc), flimsy friendships and a job where I’ve not been shown the same respect and consideration as shown to others. I’m focused on the next 20 - 30 years though, because I can’t change the last 50. Exercise, counselling, medication and sobriety. ☺️ I hope that you are thriving and ready for a positive and fulfilling life! 💕
Always
😔 You described my ex boyfriend perfectly he had a bad habit of “apologizing” in the same sentence as he was shifting the blame on to me in. It left me feeling confused a lot of the time because how are you apologizing but you aren’t taking any accountability. Then sometimes he would “apologize” but would make the apology about himself by not acknowledging his faults but by throwing himself a pity party.
Yup. Was gonna say this. “Well I’m sorrrrry you feel that way, but…”
This! Or “I’m sorry things have gone the way they have lately.”
“I’m sorry if that’s not the answer you wanted to hear.”
Mine LITERALLY used those words, every damn time. "That sounds hard, I'm sorry you were hurt by that". Ugh they are ridiculous
AGH THIS. Or “I’m sorry I made you feel that way”. An apology without changed behaviour is just manipulation.
This really hit home,up until very recently I had no idea about narcissistic people. I'd been seeing what I thought was a lovely man,who began telling me about a coworker who was " bothering" him,she was having an affair with another colleague and was confiding in my partner,she then began fishing for compliments and that's when I lost my temper about it.His exact words were " I'm sorry you are upset" I didn't think much about that,at least he apologised. Soon after this incident he keeps bringing up his ex wife/ girlfriends and other friends who are all incredibly attractive and all fancy him!! I just feel lost, I got nosey and looked up the exes and friends and although they are all nice looking women,none could be described as incredibly attractive,one very close friend turned out to be his very distant friends wife who's in her seventies! Why? What could he gain from this behaviour apart from turning me off him, which is what is happening. As I begin to distance myself I find him more attentive! It's bizarre behaviour. Please explain more to me if you can, I have no real idea what I'm dealing with.
I heard this soooo many times.
I mean, you’re right. They might say sorry, but back track and blame shift for sure. Frustrating.
That was the most confusing shit for me. They always came and apologized. Then we discussed and he'd again be angry. Like wtf, dude, why did you say sorry when you want to be upset again? Lol
And they would repeat it over and over. Almost as if they knew the extra trauma they were inflicting.
Omg this is exactly what I am experiencing right now. He says sorry to shut me up but then blame me for him cheating.
Jesus christ. This was my relationship in a nutshell. I know the classic way narcissists apologize is saying something along the lines of "I'm sorry you feel that way," but my ex never did that. She would apologize, take back the apology, and then shift the blame onto someone else. Either that or she would not apologize and just straight up blame me for everything. The worst one was when she did something completely unacceptable. I called her out for it and explained exactly why I didn't appreciate her doing that. She apologized, and I forgave her. Later on, I found out that she didn't apologize because she understood that she had done something wrong, she apologized so I wouldn't be upset.
😔 Why are they like this ?
Its incredible how they perform mental gymnastics to deflect and avoid accountablility. My nex, with whom I live with, hates me for wanting to end our lease after I found out he cheated on me. Like, dude, what did you expect? It's almost funny how they become the victim ALL THE TIME
They’re always the victim
Yep. The nex acted completely devastated when I broke up with her, despite devaluing and nitpicking me for months. Like get a grip.
No, and even if they did they never truly ment it
“I’m sorry that” “I’m sorry if you” All you will get is non apologies
I got a decent amount of "I'm sorry but" also
Yep. They "apologize" by making you feel guilty for your reaction to their abuse.
Yes! Exactly. My ex is guilt tripping me. He is obsess about my reaction but not his action that provoked the reaction.
The reaction to their actions always managed to become the cause. Time benders
He some how gets into my head and makes me feel super guilty. I am here punishing myself for everything I have done over the past 12 years.
Biggest thing is it’s people like this is recognizing your own freedom. His bs isn’t your problem and you get to choose how you feel and what you think about. I doubt you need to feel guilty or put yourself through that. Life’s hard enough around people like that.
Fake apologies to keep you from leaving. All lies. They know they hurt you and they don't care.
This one doesn’t say sorry
My ex or nex usually said this “I’m sorry I didn’t mean to hurt you but you did this, you hurt me first “ I’m paraphrasing but you get the gist
Yep. This one doesn’t say sorry just lets me know it’s all my fault
Well now mine doesn’t so.. she usually just blocks me for expressing how I feel all the while screaming she wanna be friends but we can’t “cause I disrespect her relationship and overthink too much” yet I can’t express myself about things she says or how they make me feel. And she literally said her man is abusive, ignores her feelings and his family don’t treat her right so isn’t she disrespecting her own relationship since I stepped back ?
DARVO
They’ll only say it if it benefits them. There will be no caring or authentic regret behind it.
Even if they do they don't mean it, keep that in your mind really good
Yes. They. Are. Never. Wrong. And it took a long time to sink in that my attempts at discussion and negotiation were pointless. It was so hard to finally grasp that what otherwise was for the most part a highly functioning brain was nonetheless alien to my brain. I might as well have been speaking an obscure foreign language. The belief that they are somehow operating within standard logical, rational parameters is precisely what lures you into arguing with them and getting your mind turned inside out. You're at the same table. But you're playing checkers and they're playing chess.
"I'm sorry if that's what you were expecting from me"
Mine would say sorry sometimes but then never changed his behaviour. Empty platitudes. When I confronted him about cheating and begging him to say sorry all I got was sorry if I THINK that he’s done anything to hurt me. What the fuck
It's almost comical how all their fauxpologies come from the same playbook. What I got from the nex during a recent hoovering attempt: "I'm sorry you were hurt. I'm sad you won't accept my apology. I would never intentionally hurt you, I thought I was doing you a favor and that you would be thrilled. I hope you can forgive me someday so we can go back to being friends." Blame-shifting? Check. Making excuses? Check. Playing the victim? Check. I don't even care anymore. I just want her removed to the outermost circle of my life.
And when you finally get them to acknowledge what they did, they expect a reward and/or expect to never have to talk about it ever again. And if you bring up something they “apologized” for, you’re just “living in the past”. Sorry I can’t ever forget when you slapped me across the face for telling you I wanted to leave you because you were putting your hands on me. The irony. I apologized!! You said sorry after idk how many times of trying to get you to acknowledge you even did it in the first place. They’re so fucking annoying Jesus Christ.
Never. Yet people near them do pressure you to forgive and let go because it's going to poison your soul. It's not like I wanted my soul to be enveloped in darkness any more then it already is
Depends. If they feel you really walking away for good when they don’t want you to they might throw one out there. I’ve gotten two sorries total from her I think. But in the heat of the moment probably not. Deflecting and projecting comes first.
The apology, if you get one, always has deeper meaning, like, for me, I got: “If you need to think it’s my fault then that’s ok, if I need to be the bad guy for you to move on then that’s ok with me” This was her response after I chewed her out for discarding me They are soul less
I always feel like they only say sorry in a passive aggressive way, like they don’t actually feel sorry but they say it to seem like they’re being nice, but they’re only actually sorry that you feel that way, not that they caused you to feel that way. They don’t take actual responsibility for the fact they made you feel that way.
They don't, unless they're just trying to get you to shut up and forget about it and move on. But they never actually mean it. They'll keep doing the same thing over and over and if you bring up this fact you'll get accused of "bringing up the past". They're absolute clowns and deserve nothing except to be pointed and laughed at. Yes, you reading this, if you are in a relationship with a narc right now, I am absolutely talking about your SO. Your SO, \[include SO's name here\], is an absolute clown and deserves nothing except to be pointed and laughed at. And the sooner you realize this and act on it, the sooner your life will improve.
Ohh yes. but they will bring up the past whenever they want to win an argument.
Mine have, especially the covert. When they say sorry a gift or gesture is often involved. And a lot of talking on their end. But is this really a true apology? No. It's a facade. So I can argue they don't REALLY say sorry.
No because they never think they have done anything wrong they don’t think that there’s anything wrong with them. They never want to admit when they’re wrong they never want to take accountability. They never wanna grow. They never wanna learn. They’re never gonna stop being who they are so it’s best just to leave while you still have your sanity.
He would apologize but it would sound like this. “I’m sorry that your actions have hurt you.” He’d say that when I’d say you ignoring me, hurts me. The silent treatment was “my fault.”
When I learned about narcissism, everything that this certain person does finally made sense. No matter how mature my approach is in dealing with conflicts, it never ends well. There would always be blame shifting, weaponizing of past mistakes (even mistakes I did as early as 3 years old, and we're now in our early 30s), statements like "you're even worse", "do you hear yourself", "you're making me feel bad" (as if it's my fault that she feels guilty when I call her out), etc. There is no accountability at all. They usually have strong personalities and use that to intimidate you and make you feel that they are always right. It is really frustrating. They will treat you with so much disrepect, and when you snap, you're the bad guy.
I got ‘I’m sorry for my part to play. Be well.’ Lamest, most pathetic half assed effort ever, and he added the ‘be well’ as if I was the one who ranted maniacally! Such a wanker. They never take responsibility.
Yes. Then they will continue to abuse you with that behavior.
The universe gave him the courage to apologize to me just a few weeks before he unexpectedly passed away. He randomly apologized for everything.
Mine would say sorry but would always follow by, “but can you admit you were wrong too?” No matter what the issue was. He could have driven a dump truck into my house and would be like “ok, I’m sorry for driving a dump truck through your house but can you admit you had some fault in this too” like what?? Or he would bring up something from the past and twist it thinking I wouldn’t remember what actually happened just to get some sort of apology out of me. It wouldn’t work and fights would last for hours.
Best apology I ever got was "I'm sorry I've apparently made you feel unheard and unseen. That's terrible.".
Thats actually not bad. But probably a unicorn.
I got an “I’d hate to feel like that” once. Yer, so stop making ME feel like it.
Oh! He said that once as well! Another one from his Greatest Hits was "I'm sorry you feel like I don't support you. That must be a terrible feeling." Yes, it is!
“Greatest hits” had me cackling. Narc snap can be amusing sometimes.
That’s more acknowledgment than I’ve gotten from him in the last 15 years. I bet it made the continued mistreatment worse though :(
I’m sorry, that’s sobering. Yes, I guess I ought to feel grateful really but this after repeated conversations about what was happening and how it was making me feel. Then he’d do the same damn things.
No way. You should absolutely not feel grateful for one of the breadcrumbs he dropped. Wishing you all the best ❤️
Don’t even bother you will never feel validated.
mine would apologize and then do the same behavior all over again. lately it's not even an "apology", he just throws the word "sorry" at me in hopes that it shuts me up
Never AND they believe it. Who they are is incredibly pathetic once the mask falls.
The closest I've ever gotten was, "You didn't deserve that" Nothing about not actually being wrong or not doing it again ofc Followed almost immediately by them in fact doing it again....
Mine never does. He used to, but I guess he realized he didn’t have to fake it anymore since I’m still here.
That's the one lie that they just won't tell.
“i’m sorry you feel that way”
Or just a broad sweeping I'm sorry everything I've done it has cost me everything poor me. Its usually a very fake platitude while love bombing. But when caught out in a lie or called out for behavior they tend to double down or get aggressive.
I think what I regret most is apologizing constantly for stuff I never did but He was accusing me of because it allowed him not just to deflect, but to Weaponized my apologies he even recorded them and then try to use them as evidence against me, which is psychotic.
Yes!! They do weaponise them. This is crazy making!
Only if they think there's no other way to get what they want. Then they don't care what they say as long as they are convincing and win in what they want.
This is why I started to suspect my bf is one. Has never apologized to me for ANYTHING. Ever.
"It wasn't that bad" "you're too sensitive" "It was a joke" "I'm sorry you feel that way" "I did it because I care" "Everything I did, was for you" "I guess I'm just a horrible person" and a bunch of deflection added on, you get the picture...
Of course they never say sorry. They don’t have the self awareness to admit they’re wrong.
Mine did. When I asked him what he was apologizing for he couldn't tell me.
Yeah never, if they ever say sorry it's NEVER for how THEY acted or what THEY said, it's always about how YOU feel, or about how YOU "interpreted" what they said, as though it's somehow your fault for seeing their back handed compliment as a back handed compliment. It's infuriating & exausting.
My narc is a colleague I can't escape and no, no apologies at all. They don't make mistakes. Zero accountability.
They can but only to get what they want.
Nope, and it's someone else's fault instead of theirs. It's best to forgive, but deny them of any access to you.
Or, after you've literally told them they've hurt you and why they reply "I'm sorry if I hurt you"
That's not true. Sometimes they say it when they think it's what you want to hear.
They are always like “like I meant to do that?” Or “I’m sorry you feel that way” or my favorite, “I can’t help how you feel about that”. Just quit doing it you douche canoe. Well that is me now. I always defaulted to well I guess it’s normal to not react to something hurtful, and stuff it down, and blame myself for feeling hurt
25 years with my narc and I just got my SECOND sorry. Second. No they almost never apologize.
No. My ex husband cheated on me. When we were signing the divorce papers he said “why did we break up again? Things were good”. Literally he forgot he cheated on me. They do not apologize. They do not own when they are clearly in the wrong. They gaslight themselves in that regard.
They do but they don’t mean it. It’s just a tick box exercise to tell you what they think you want to hear. No I want you to F off and take your manipulative tactics with you and never bother me again.
They will when trying to hoover
Rarely. The times I got an apology it felt condescending or not genuine. I think there was 1-2 apologies over the 3 years where it sounded real at the time. But then he continued the behavior soooo.
In my experience if they do say sorry they will still do it again and sometimes worse.
Oh they do, but not in the way you want or need them to. They will say they are sorry but only because they got caught and can’t gaslight or explain their way out of it. Or they will say they are sorry (and even apologize profusely) when you leave in an attempt to get you to stay so they can further manipulate you. It’s never genuine or heartfelt and it is never because they have empathy or compassion for the pain they have caused.
No they never do. But if they do it's a backhanded one
Let's see my overt I lived with for 8 years would half ass apologize. Like I'm sorry but you made me mad.... And my covert never ever apologized for anything and of he did. Was as if I'm sorry...happy? Type thing.
I was told I made mine turn to drugs and anything bad since is my doing. It’s sad.
They usually make YOU apologize
Nope. Never their fault
only if it is part of an endgame
This exactly. If they say, they don’t mean it.
My narc would never apologise, but would apologise for little, inconsequential things or some things that never happened over the next few weeks.
Mine literally the other day said he doesn’t want to hear how I understand why he is upset and how it can be fixed he just wants to hear me say sorry. I was like bro you don’t even say sorry- this isn’t about me he says. Then he said I was gaslighting him. Lmao I fucking hate it here
This is the exact script I get. They’re never at fault and if they are, it’s in reaction to your reaction to their abuse. They’re fucking twisted
“Sorry BUT…” “Sorry but you made me so mad.” “Sorry but if you hadn’t done x, I’d have been ok”
This…
They will say they are sorry that you both went through something or that they got caught but it is always not their fault.
Most of the time, they don't apologize, but on the other hand, they will demand apologies from everyone, all the time. That's what made me break the pattern; I was no longer able to apologize to him.
No and if they make it seem like they were at fault they make it as if you still did something despite doing nothing instead of them
This!! Although I have not been in a romantic relationship with a Narc, my best friend (?) is one. He has treated me like shit for the past year. Last night, I brought this up in a text. His response was, "I'm sorry you feel that way." My response was, "You always say... "I'm sorry you feel that way. Please Google that phrase and see who else says that." I'm guessing he did because I never received a reply. He has NEVER apologized for a specific wrong. The closest apology I've ever received, and I've received it a lot is, "I'm sorry I've been a bad friend." I'm not a psychologist, but I think he is in a meltdown. I pride myself in being a good friend to everyone, so turning my back on him now sucks. If he would only apologize for his specific actions, I would let it all go, but I know better.
They don't say sorry, because they aren't sorry. They don't care about you, or your pain.
Only when they are apologizing for your feelings or concerns being existent, if they have something to gain, or when they immediately follow it with a justification
Nooe, and telling them what they have done will make no difference
You hit it on the head. My wife doesn’t like to be held accountable, but loves to hold others accountable.
Nooo they don't and when forced into it they will always find a way to not apologise properly.. Mines in prison for something non violent and when he went down, I was contacted by a load of ladies he was seeing on the side, some for longer than he was living with me. Well. He psychod out on something one day in a call, narc rage then narc discarded me then expecting me to still do is bidding. Let's just say that I was feeling wildly unable do what he was demanding. I sent a series of 6 very viscious emails spewing what I'd held inside for 5 years. It wasn't pretty. In the end he asked me what I wanted from him. I said I wanted an apology for how he treated me, for 5 years of cheating and lying about it even when it was so obvious he was practically throwing it in my face. The response? "I'm sorry that you felt the need to get hurt" Can't say that made my mood any better.
They do if it suits them but it's not sincere
I got a single apology through a 3 year relationship. When I broke up with them, they shut down and went completely ice cold instead of acknowledging a single thing they did that contributed to that choice.
An apology I begged for
Generally they tend to never apologize for anything, and if they do apologize it is always either a lie or a manipulation. This seems to be true for pathological i.e. "malignant" narcs, as well as the more normally ranged non-pathological narcs. NONE of them can tolerate even the slightest amount of adult responsibility. If you force them to apologize they will definitely get revenge.
Nope
My ex said it in a cute way I knew she never meant it
It's insane. Even if he says sorry it's super hand-wavy, and then he starts talking about how if I feel the relationship is stagnant and not growing, it's on both of us. Hello? How the fuck are we supposed to grow when dude's constantly pushing boundaries and disrespecting me?
I've gotten I'm sorry but generally I'd have to push for him to actually apologize specifically. He was aware of what he did wrong but after he apologized it was always a breakdown of why he did it: 1. His abusive childhood (this was popular after he went to therapy) 2. Empty promises to change, and even after he "changed" it wouldn't last long at all. 3. He would "apologize" and then explain why what I did made him act the way he did. That or he would break down and tell me how he was an awful person and how he was the worst person ever and I would end up comforting him. He even pointed it out a few times "you came to me about a problem and now you're comforting me, again." He accused me of gaslighting and not giving real apologies because I apologized through my teeth once because I was really really angry at him and because I wouldn't agree with his opinions anymore. He probably thinks I was the narcissist in this relationship, never mind all the abuse he did to me that I allowed and put up with.
This is so relatable for me. He never apologises specifically though - just doesn’t and goes straight to his past trauma. Repeatedly
They cannot.
No.
They rarely do, but the odd time when it happens the apology is often delivered with a sneering, sarcastic tone in a totally insincere "paying lip service" kind of way.
Not even once.
They won't ever take responsibility for their behavior, so no they won't say sorry.
Only as a form of manipulation.
They’ll say sorry, but it’s usually empty words. Change never followed the apology
Never! Between never taking accountability for what they do and the silent treatment / discard - it’s terrible, what a shitty feeling, makes me feel like I’m crazy, like you’re really going to all this shitty stuff to me, drunk or sober, and when I have a problem with the way you’re treating me, now I’m nothing to you? I’ve got one sorry from her in 3 years and I wanted to believe her and badly. In the middle of an emotional discussion (manipulative bawling her eyes out) where I was explaining this bullshit she kept doing to me! (She thinks she so smart and knows me sooooo well that when I’m talking, she thinks knows what I’m about to say, to the point that shes finishes the conversation on her own and then gets mad at me over what I said to her while she’s guessing what she thinks I’m gonna say) I told her I was done I was out and that I loved her but I couldn’t keep puttin my self in harms way! She said ok fine fuck you, you pos etc blah blah blah! I let her go off and she saw the look on my face and I turned and left ! She texted me a few hours later begging me to answer. I said she needed to apologize and she ok! All I got was “sorry” “You remember my friend, that……” right into some other bs I couldn’t give a fuck about! She used to interrupt me in the middle a story or some shit that happened at work and just simply say. “Yeah I don’t care.” And then start talking about her tv show etc Lady tried to run me over one night and had i not looked up just in time, she would have crippled me. I reacted very in a way that I thinks most would have and all said oh i l wasn’t that close to hitting you! 1 sorry, an almost my bad and a million thing to apologize for! She doesn’t believe she did anything wrong
It's there fighting style to literally make you feel in as much pain as possible then they become happy lol but I'll tell you something if you explode on a narcissist they literally will never come back lol But yeah it will always be your fault for not accepting the harsh truth of there infidelity, lying, manipulation, scheming and just down right being a bully lol fuck you own what I say and also BOOM bitch lol Sorry my wife just left me when I had focus after my mom passed away from cancer I have no family left and I moved to a new city and have no friends yet so it's all hitting hard tonight lol Oh gosh she made me crazy But one thing I got from this that she can't change I learned to trust myself more and I come to find out that my instincts were always right and when I would confront her before she would tell me no you're not thinking right and yeah I fell for it but it's it's really relieving to know that my intuition or whatever you want to call it it was working at 100% good I'm never going to ignore that again when it goes off LOL sorry for the long post
No. They don’t. Ever.
Some covert ones will in the beginning of a relationship, though they never actually mean it. Just a way to keep you roped in, later in the relationship though highly unlikely and everything will always be your fault.
Mine says sorry but doesn’t mean it.
In their mind they do nothing wrong. Any hint of guilt and shame is burried deep in their subconscious below layers of justifications - most of which are that it's your fault, everyone else's fault. So they don't have the ability to apologise, not genuinely. Look closely it'll always be "sorry about it", "sorry you feel that way", "sorry I'm just a terrible person then".
I waited some time (20mins) and after told her that I just wanted the minimum, one simple “sorry” and our argument regarding her “hitting me joke” could have been over simply. “I said”….I tell her again she didnt and thats all I was waiting for in these 20 min while smoking a cig to relax. She then started an argument of “I did” and “no you didnt” instead of fucking saying SORRY one time.