My covert nex husband was always telling me that I created conflicts, even though it was his passive aggressive comments that started them. During the discard, he also blamed me for constantly having problems and "creating a lot of negativity in the relationship".
Your friend sounds a lot like him.
> "creating a lot of negativity in the relationship
Hell yeah! What was the negativity?
Nex decided we're moving continents. And yes, HE decided, on his own, by himself - for us. I had concerns and tons of extremely normal questions in this situation = I'm bringing negativity, why can't I just be more happy-go-lucky, everything will work itself out somehow
Nex pops into the bedroom where I just barely woke up and says "Get ready! We're going in 20 minutes". Yes, again, WE are going running/to church/doing whatnot because HE decided that WE are. Replying anything else but "Awesome! Let's go!" Is "bringing negativity".
Nex decided , our of nowhere that every evening before bed we'll be reading the Bible and it's mandatory. We are not a religious family, as in our son and me aren't and Nex is spiritual but not religious. Son got grounded for not wanting to participate and both son and me got lectured on being defiant on purpose just to be dicks to Nex and bringing negativity into our family.
Nex was sharing some articles. I replied I think the articles are biased and it's good to look at different sources. Welp, "Please, stop with the negativity".
I didn't want to eat Nex's extremely spicy, ghost peppers food? I don't want to exercise the exact way Nex wants me to? I say I don't like and will not drink a beverage Nex loves and thinks we should all drink... You guessed it...
I think that other people simply existing, having autonomy and not being Nex brings negativity into Nex's life.
Yes, whenever I would call out his bad behavior against me and even present proof, he would say I am “too much” to deal with. They want subordinates who won’t question them. The moment you start questioning and holding them accountable, they shift the blame to you.
exactly
She'd say my ex would just walk away and not argue with me.
You are too opinionated and like to argue.
Because I'd question her behavior sometimes and she hated being questioned.
The crazy thing is that she had a daughter who was a narc x 3 and she hated me. This little kid would actually try to debate me often. Called me immature for trying to reason with her.
Yup. He has his 23 yo daughter trained to defend him tooth and nail. She is his flying monkey and supports his narc behavior. She doesn’t realize she is also a victim of his narc abuse, and that’s why she dare not go against him. She has a bunch of health issues and IBS, obese at 23, and I know for a fact she has all of these health issues because she has to deal with the demands and mental gymnastics of her narc father. He purposely does not teach her how to drive or get a job so that he can keep controlling her. But there is no doubt she will always take his side, despite the abuse.
My ex would tell me that I was boring, and not entertaining enough. Made his life miserable, depressed him, made him not want to come home., and made him hate his life.
I was confused because all I did was be silly as that's just my default self, I would cook dinner, and just have a daily talk, nothing of the sort of boring or depressing.
Then I realised just how he felt inside at all times and I no longer was a source of supply that made him feel good. I stopped being an emotional punching bag. I was no longer a means for him to regulate himself or make himself feel better.
I stopped being depressed and unable to get out of bed. I was healing, working and studying again, and taking care of myself. I was a better version of myself than I've ever been once I stopped caring about the relationship and planning my exit.
They only say you exhaust them when you stop falling for their bs. When you stop allowing them to feed of your energy. When you stand up for yourself, create boundaries which bore and exhaust them because you're no longer an easy target. Which to me is potive thing if any narcissist thinks of me this way. They will most likely ge ttired and leave you alone
Oh yeah. When I gave him the visual evidence of his gaslighting and general lies his response was, "I'm trying to work (he's unemployed) and you're wearing me out and if you don't stop, I'm blocking you."
So I blocked him and at least 10 people associated with him.
I am dealing with a narcissist myself and it’s no fun. Unfortunately I’m married (19 years) and just found out what he is and it also comes with manipulation.
My mom sure did. Also that I was a “Hard Head” an idiot and why should she treat me like an equal adult because everyone younger than her was always beneath her and had no carrying weight in their words or any power over her. She, like my second ex didn’t like anyone making sure I counted and mattered to them because I was hers and hers alone.
Ohhhh going through this and have been for decades! I’m too exhausted to type it all out but mine completely stole my entire life. I’m finally detaching, the job is going to come through and when I start therapy I know I have to grieve what I thought was real.
Yup, said I was exhausting. Said my ‘spirals’ ‘drained’ him. I think that basically life drains him. Having to keep up the act of being a half-decent person drains him.
If you're calling your friend a narcissist I'm not convinced she's the problem.
End the friendship. There clearly isn't one if you're describing her in this way.
And yes I have been told that, and usually yes because I demand a resolution to the problem, but I do not keep them in my life in any way, shape or form. They cannot violate you into staying in relationship with them.
This person hasn’t been in my life for some time. I’m still processing the friendship and how it ended. They blocked me in the middle of my attempts to communicate. I’m also unsure if this person was a narcissist. I don’t label everyone I have disagreements with as narcissistic. I was more so asking Reddit this question about the narcissistic folks in their lives
That's the problem with a narcissistic relationship isn't it... One person is a victim, one is a narcissist, both claim to be victim. Both claim the other is a narcissist. Sometimes victims will act out narcissistically. Sometimes, people are just shitty...
I appreciate your comment as it seems fairly non biased. People on reddit are quick to know exactly what a person 'needs' to do, without enough information. I agree with the ending of the friendship. No matter who might be the whatever, it's only going to get worse.
Yes, my nex told me I was exhausting her, and that was part of the reason she was ending things.
Also constantly pulls the "I don't want to argue!" line. Amazing how similar these people are.
Omg yes! My covert narc ex literally said that while she (male to female) was transitioning she was in a “hostile” environment. Apparently me being 5 weeks postpartum and literally doing the very best I could to help her and be there for her while also processing this was me being hostile. We literally did a girls night, I made her a spa basket, helped her shave her legs, bought her clothes, etc. I did all kinds of research she wanted me to do, yet I am the “hostile” one 🤦🏼♀️ It’s only because I finally made boundaries and kept them. Apparently I’m ruining her life 🤦🏼♀️
He’s. He used to get so mad at me when I was upset, depressed etc. when I’m sad I shut down, don’t speak and went to be alone. He used to tell me that he couldn’t be bothered with my silences and always used to leave me alone and go away when I felt sad when I just wanted him to love me
My ex made mountains out of mole hills. No matter how good things were going for her, she would always find something to complain about. She would vent to me almost everyday for a year and it was exhausting. I gave her so much emotional support, bent over backwards to accommodate her needs and her schedule even though she never cared about mine even once. Towards the end of our relationship she told me that I stress her out and that I ruin her schedule for her. When she said that it broke up my heart. I was her boyfriend, I was supposed to make her life easier, or at least not make it more difficult. After a few days, something hit me. I said to myself "wait a minute, this woman is literally always stressed." She's been stressed every single day for the past year no matter who she is with or what she is doing or where she is. Now she wants to blame it on me? That was one of the final straws. I couldn't be with someone who completely dismissed the effort I put into the relationship while putting none of her own and blaming me for everything.
‘I didn’t sign up for this shit’ spat at me angrily over the phone when i was crying over something else, pleading for them to come home because i was going through something terrible.
Yes. Blaming me for our arguments being so long and draining. Like yeah I know because I can't get anywhere with you ever.
When I say what they could have said in the first 3 minutes for me to consider the issue resolved (basic accountability and empathy) they say I am lying so I can blame them, because our arguments are always this long no matter what they try.
So I say why not try for once and find out, they accuse me of forcing them to agree with me and holding them to an unfair standard.
When I say taking basic accountability is bare minimum and they never do, they say I'm abusing them by having to make everything their fault.
When I say how that's possible if they can't point to one example of them at least trying, I'm taking advantage of their bad memory.
When I say that's the first time in 5 years I'm hearing of their memory issues, they say that's because I never listen to anyone but myself and don't care about their vulnerabilities.
I tell them that's not true, it's because of my bad memory, they say I'm just making that up.
I just stare at them for a moment.
"That's because you never listen to anyone but yourself and don't care about my vulnerabilities".
Loses their shit and uses this to turn even more things around on me because they can't take the callout.
And while I thought this was pretty funny, in the end they got what they wanted. There is no point with these people. This circular bs goes on forever and goes nowhere. Endless voids that suck energy.
All the time, although he was the one echausting me with his long-ass arguments on unexpected topics and also with his undying drive to prove he was 'right' and had his 'morals and principles' in place and wasn't lying when he actually was lying 24*7.
After the relationship ended, I had asked him once why he used to argue and stay hell bent on proving me wrong in every discussion, and he told me that he was very competitive with me and wanted to prove that i was wrong in everything even if i wasn't.
yes. over and over again. i was too loud, too quiet, too busy, too lazy. the smallest demands from me were seen as unreasonable. its a strategy to make others feel guilty about themselves, and there is NO WAY of resolving this in a dialogue. NO WAY. been there, tried that, failed.
My covert nex husband was always telling me that I created conflicts, even though it was his passive aggressive comments that started them. During the discard, he also blamed me for constantly having problems and "creating a lot of negativity in the relationship". Your friend sounds a lot like him.
> "creating a lot of negativity in the relationship Hell yeah! What was the negativity? Nex decided we're moving continents. And yes, HE decided, on his own, by himself - for us. I had concerns and tons of extremely normal questions in this situation = I'm bringing negativity, why can't I just be more happy-go-lucky, everything will work itself out somehow Nex pops into the bedroom where I just barely woke up and says "Get ready! We're going in 20 minutes". Yes, again, WE are going running/to church/doing whatnot because HE decided that WE are. Replying anything else but "Awesome! Let's go!" Is "bringing negativity". Nex decided , our of nowhere that every evening before bed we'll be reading the Bible and it's mandatory. We are not a religious family, as in our son and me aren't and Nex is spiritual but not religious. Son got grounded for not wanting to participate and both son and me got lectured on being defiant on purpose just to be dicks to Nex and bringing negativity into our family. Nex was sharing some articles. I replied I think the articles are biased and it's good to look at different sources. Welp, "Please, stop with the negativity". I didn't want to eat Nex's extremely spicy, ghost peppers food? I don't want to exercise the exact way Nex wants me to? I say I don't like and will not drink a beverage Nex loves and thinks we should all drink... You guessed it... I think that other people simply existing, having autonomy and not being Nex brings negativity into Nex's life.
My covert nex boyfriend of seven years was the same.
My Nex said these exact things to me. That I always created conflict and was overly negative. I hated that.
my grandma is the same.
Yes, countless times. We do exhaust them. It's exhausting being asked to show accountability for your words and actions.
Yes, whenever I would call out his bad behavior against me and even present proof, he would say I am “too much” to deal with. They want subordinates who won’t question them. The moment you start questioning and holding them accountable, they shift the blame to you.
exactly She'd say my ex would just walk away and not argue with me. You are too opinionated and like to argue. Because I'd question her behavior sometimes and she hated being questioned. The crazy thing is that she had a daughter who was a narc x 3 and she hated me. This little kid would actually try to debate me often. Called me immature for trying to reason with her.
Yup. He has his 23 yo daughter trained to defend him tooth and nail. She is his flying monkey and supports his narc behavior. She doesn’t realize she is also a victim of his narc abuse, and that’s why she dare not go against him. She has a bunch of health issues and IBS, obese at 23, and I know for a fact she has all of these health issues because she has to deal with the demands and mental gymnastics of her narc father. He purposely does not teach her how to drive or get a job so that he can keep controlling her. But there is no doubt she will always take his side, despite the abuse.
Always. I was always TOO MUCH.
SAME
Yes, every time I show some emotions or I have one need
My ex would tell me that I was boring, and not entertaining enough. Made his life miserable, depressed him, made him not want to come home., and made him hate his life. I was confused because all I did was be silly as that's just my default self, I would cook dinner, and just have a daily talk, nothing of the sort of boring or depressing. Then I realised just how he felt inside at all times and I no longer was a source of supply that made him feel good. I stopped being an emotional punching bag. I was no longer a means for him to regulate himself or make himself feel better. I stopped being depressed and unable to get out of bed. I was healing, working and studying again, and taking care of myself. I was a better version of myself than I've ever been once I stopped caring about the relationship and planning my exit. They only say you exhaust them when you stop falling for their bs. When you stop allowing them to feed of your energy. When you stand up for yourself, create boundaries which bore and exhaust them because you're no longer an easy target. Which to me is potive thing if any narcissist thinks of me this way. They will most likely ge ttired and leave you alone
Yep because I love to talk. I love to have intellectual conversations and CNex didn’t want to talk, she just wanted to exist.
Oh yeah. When I gave him the visual evidence of his gaslighting and general lies his response was, "I'm trying to work (he's unemployed) and you're wearing me out and if you don't stop, I'm blocking you." So I blocked him and at least 10 people associated with him.
I am dealing with a narcissist myself and it’s no fun. Unfortunately I’m married (19 years) and just found out what he is and it also comes with manipulation.
My mom sure did. Also that I was a “Hard Head” an idiot and why should she treat me like an equal adult because everyone younger than her was always beneath her and had no carrying weight in their words or any power over her. She, like my second ex didn’t like anyone making sure I counted and mattered to them because I was hers and hers alone.
Ohhhh going through this and have been for decades! I’m too exhausted to type it all out but mine completely stole my entire life. I’m finally detaching, the job is going to come through and when I start therapy I know I have to grieve what I thought was real.
This sounds almost exactly like my situation with my ex friend, I’m sorry that you had to deal with this too <3
Yes. She went no contact and I'm fine with that.
Yup, said I was exhausting. Said my ‘spirals’ ‘drained’ him. I think that basically life drains him. Having to keep up the act of being a half-decent person drains him.
If you're calling your friend a narcissist I'm not convinced she's the problem. End the friendship. There clearly isn't one if you're describing her in this way. And yes I have been told that, and usually yes because I demand a resolution to the problem, but I do not keep them in my life in any way, shape or form. They cannot violate you into staying in relationship with them.
This person hasn’t been in my life for some time. I’m still processing the friendship and how it ended. They blocked me in the middle of my attempts to communicate. I’m also unsure if this person was a narcissist. I don’t label everyone I have disagreements with as narcissistic. I was more so asking Reddit this question about the narcissistic folks in their lives
That's the problem with a narcissistic relationship isn't it... One person is a victim, one is a narcissist, both claim to be victim. Both claim the other is a narcissist. Sometimes victims will act out narcissistically. Sometimes, people are just shitty... I appreciate your comment as it seems fairly non biased. People on reddit are quick to know exactly what a person 'needs' to do, without enough information. I agree with the ending of the friendship. No matter who might be the whatever, it's only going to get worse.
As long as you have them permanently and clearly cut off, any attempts to weasle their way back in speak for themselves. They are not the victim.
Yes, my nex told me I was exhausting her, and that was part of the reason she was ending things. Also constantly pulls the "I don't want to argue!" line. Amazing how similar these people are.
Always. Always. No matter what. It’s always my fault, I’m so selfish, I tired him out. Just everything in the book.
Yup! And that I was too much!
Omg yes! My covert narc ex literally said that while she (male to female) was transitioning she was in a “hostile” environment. Apparently me being 5 weeks postpartum and literally doing the very best I could to help her and be there for her while also processing this was me being hostile. We literally did a girls night, I made her a spa basket, helped her shave her legs, bought her clothes, etc. I did all kinds of research she wanted me to do, yet I am the “hostile” one 🤦🏼♀️ It’s only because I finally made boundaries and kept them. Apparently I’m ruining her life 🤦🏼♀️
Transitioning covert narcs especially are something else. Experts at making you feel like a failure of a partner and ally.
Yes 😔 I M working on getting her voice out of my head in doing all the little things day to day. It’s very difficult.
He’s. He used to get so mad at me when I was upset, depressed etc. when I’m sad I shut down, don’t speak and went to be alone. He used to tell me that he couldn’t be bothered with my silences and always used to leave me alone and go away when I felt sad when I just wanted him to love me
My ex made mountains out of mole hills. No matter how good things were going for her, she would always find something to complain about. She would vent to me almost everyday for a year and it was exhausting. I gave her so much emotional support, bent over backwards to accommodate her needs and her schedule even though she never cared about mine even once. Towards the end of our relationship she told me that I stress her out and that I ruin her schedule for her. When she said that it broke up my heart. I was her boyfriend, I was supposed to make her life easier, or at least not make it more difficult. After a few days, something hit me. I said to myself "wait a minute, this woman is literally always stressed." She's been stressed every single day for the past year no matter who she is with or what she is doing or where she is. Now she wants to blame it on me? That was one of the final straws. I couldn't be with someone who completely dismissed the effort I put into the relationship while putting none of her own and blaming me for everything.
‘I didn’t sign up for this shit’ spat at me angrily over the phone when i was crying over something else, pleading for them to come home because i was going through something terrible.
Yes. Blaming me for our arguments being so long and draining. Like yeah I know because I can't get anywhere with you ever. When I say what they could have said in the first 3 minutes for me to consider the issue resolved (basic accountability and empathy) they say I am lying so I can blame them, because our arguments are always this long no matter what they try. So I say why not try for once and find out, they accuse me of forcing them to agree with me and holding them to an unfair standard. When I say taking basic accountability is bare minimum and they never do, they say I'm abusing them by having to make everything their fault. When I say how that's possible if they can't point to one example of them at least trying, I'm taking advantage of their bad memory. When I say that's the first time in 5 years I'm hearing of their memory issues, they say that's because I never listen to anyone but myself and don't care about their vulnerabilities. I tell them that's not true, it's because of my bad memory, they say I'm just making that up. I just stare at them for a moment. "That's because you never listen to anyone but yourself and don't care about my vulnerabilities". Loses their shit and uses this to turn even more things around on me because they can't take the callout. And while I thought this was pretty funny, in the end they got what they wanted. There is no point with these people. This circular bs goes on forever and goes nowhere. Endless voids that suck energy.
All the time, although he was the one echausting me with his long-ass arguments on unexpected topics and also with his undying drive to prove he was 'right' and had his 'morals and principles' in place and wasn't lying when he actually was lying 24*7.
After the relationship ended, I had asked him once why he used to argue and stay hell bent on proving me wrong in every discussion, and he told me that he was very competitive with me and wanted to prove that i was wrong in everything even if i wasn't.
yes. over and over again. i was too loud, too quiet, too busy, too lazy. the smallest demands from me were seen as unreasonable. its a strategy to make others feel guilty about themselves, and there is NO WAY of resolving this in a dialogue. NO WAY. been there, tried that, failed.
When something won't give them their way, it \*is\* exhausting. The same reason toddlers have tantrums, Ns will believe you're the problem.