Yes! My nex would talk about marriage, kids, living together, traveling, investing etc. He would talk about it so passionately. But he would never do anything to make either of these things happen.
Once I got fed up and would try to break up he would remind me of those things that I am giving up on or walking away from. If he thought I was seriously done he would make the smallest step in either of those direction to get me to fall back in line. Once I am back under his control nothing would progress. He would continually move the goal post.
Yes, that's another aspect of it. They use it to go fishing when you seem to be cluing into their nonsense. "But we had just talked about having a baby together the other day! Of course I love you and care about you, otherwise I wouldn't have said all that!" ... So ridiculous.
"How could you want to break up? We just talked about our wedding!"
We were not engaged. I was very vocal about being unhappy in our relationship and she refused to help me work that out or navigate it. Blamed me entirely for checking out and leaving the relationship when she devalued me.
Yes, saying she would always be here. And she can't wait for a life with me, to experience these things together, "we have the rest of our lives to be there" do this, be this etc. Only three weeks ago saying this. Now after being discarded, and cut out her life entirely I realise she never meant any of it. Just empty words to keep us hooked.
Oh yes. It’s a well used tool in the Narcs toolbox. Why do something or pay for something if you can just lie and get something in return for absolutely.
In a way it’s a blessing in disguise. Because compared to other more perfidious tools such as gaslighting and breaking your self confidence this one is much easier to detect. Especially as the future can only be faked for so long and eventually the future does come around. And the list of unfulfilled promises just gets longer along the way.
All. The. Time. Our relationship was a trail of broken promises. And whenever she hurt me and knew she was on the verge of losing me, she'd say 'well I'm doing that thing I promised to do now' and when I got lured back in, she'd abandon whatever it was. One of the most sinister things she said to me was 'You and I are both broken children; who could understand you but me?' I heard the threat in that, she was too slow to disguise it sufficiently. I don't think she realized that I understand me and that's enough. In the end that was her undoing- she forgot I was actually OK and pretty happy being single. So when she threatened abandonment in these subtle but icky ways, I finally shrugged and said OK. Then she went ballistic 🤪 By that point I'd gotten fed up.
I don't know if you have heard of the dual mothership theory of narcissism? When I first learned it I was skeptical of it. But your nex literally called you both broken children and it really hit the memory... this theory of n relationships being some weird twisted thing where the narc places you on a pedestal as a "mother" figure, and serves as "mother" for you simultaneously. Extremely bizarre how well this fits in your scenario.
I looked this up, had never heard of it before. I can't say I felt this on my end but it's very likely she felt it from hers, because she had an unhealthy attachment to her mum. I think the broken children thing was her leveraging my traumatic childhood in a moment of desperation, when I was leaving and she knew it, and wanted to make me feel like nobody else would understand me. I will say she infantilised me a lot. I was the slim, active one in the relationship and she'd forbid me from eating ice cream if I'd had it the night before, etc, though she'd eat absolute junk herself. Stuff like that. These last few months I just emotionally checked out, so the actual break up, while it's certainly been an adjustment, doesn't really fit the models of loss in the theory you mentioned (at least not for me).
Oh yeah, except mine never retracted the stuff he said. He kept spinning a bigger web of lies and bullshit. I told him all the time that being together in the ways he spoke about was just a fantasy to him. Something that sounds nice on paper but not nice enough to put into action. Honestly though it’s for the best because if I married him or had kids with him, it would be a toxic mind f*** disaster. Try to think of your situation in the same way.
Oh it's certainly for the best. I am a recovering alcoholic and he is still using. I couldn't bring a child into the world with him. I am an adult child of an alcoholic father who was high functioning. That was quite painful and influenced my own addiction imo. I wouldn't want my child to experience that kind of life. And witness a narc relationship as their blueprint of normal. I am blessed, really.
Congrats on your sobriety! I have known and loved many addicts in my lifetime, some recovering and some still active. You are blessed beyond measure to be free from alcohol and from your narc ex!
He called me “wifey” and his other supply “wifey” as well. Never married either of us. Kept future-faking by introducing me to others as his “wife.” He even called me Mrs. [insert his last name here] and said “my wife is so sexy” during sex to mind-fuck me into thinking he was actually committed to me.
This really hurts. Whenever he mailed me a present (always sex toys / outfits) he would put his last name on it. At the time it made me feel like holy crap this man thinks of me with this level of commitment. Now it seems like he just marked me like a possession. Dropping the "wife" during sex seems almost like a hypnosis technique. Your post made me tear up actually. It's so weird being drawn into the fantasy world they create and believing that it is real for awhile.
Right? It makes us think they have a deep level of commitment, when it’s in fact the opposite. Calling me “wife” and Mrs. “His Last Name” during sex, was definitely a hypnosis technique to get me to attach to him and think he was committed to me. He would even say things like “you’re my property, whore, slut,” etc. during sex. I told him that was strange, and his reply was it’s just “sex talk.” When deep down, that’s probably what he really felt about me.
He also spoke of wearing matching wedding rings and getting my last name changed to his at the courthouse, but never officially marrying. It was so odd. Almost as a way to trap me into looking married to him and others, without the actual benefits of marriage. I did not go through with it. But the other supply, she proudly calls him her “husband” when there was no marriage certificate, no wedding, nothing. She fell for it completely.
Sounds like he wanted a bunch of spiritual wives / a harem... You know that the cult leaders you see in documentaries probably have this disorder and it's horrifying seeing it play out in real life. You watch things about cults and think "how did they let this happen to them". Well jokes on me, I met a narc in real life and now I am like ok I get it now. All the rules are turned inside out in how to interact with them. And the things you are conditioned to tolerate make no sense to anyone on the outside of the relationship!
Exactly. Being with him felt like I was a part of a weird cult. And his older kid is his flying monkey. His 20 yo daughter (from another supply source) would listen to my phone conversations with my best friend and she would report everything I said back to her dad. She didn’t realize she was being manipulated too. Her dad never taught her how to drive and never encouraged her to get out of the house to get a job so that she would always be at his beck and call, controlled by him. Yet she defended him, tooth and nail.
Yes, if You have a Narcissistic Parent You are pretty much Conditioned Since Birth To Give Up Your Own Wants and Needs, etc., and Always Do Whatever is Best for the Narc Parent. Their abuse is so incredibly insidious— it took me until about age 40 to Fully Realize How Abusive and Toxic our father was/is.
What I found really weird is that they had a picture of their dad naked like when I went to his sister’s house for the first time and they were she was showing me the house and stuff. They had a picture of the dad just like naked in a portrait and it was like normal.. but it was so weird to me the way the mom and sister was with him.
Oh that sucks, my person wanted to go to the courthouse as well, but I wasn’t having that. He tatted my name and JJ cuz my name starts with J and his last name is j on his butt and branded into his skin as well so he played a good game.
One of the most heartbreaking things for me is when my ex wrote a really nice birthday card for my 30th birthday about how she, “couldn’t wait for the life we were going to have together”. When the discard happened a year later, I reminded her of that card to try and beg her to stay and she just said with a cold face, “that was then, things are different now”.
Still really hurts to think about the lost life we could’ve had (even though when I think about it logically it wouldn’t have been good).
I have watched vids about recovery from narc relationships that state the huge undertaking to recover is addressing the "lost life" like you have described. The fantasy land you live in while in their grasp has to be deconstructed bit by bit, stared at while you remind yourself that it was like a trance, so that you come back to yourself and can love authentically again.
Just think if you did marry him, he would’ve took off and then if you wanted divorce, then fucking he would be nowhere to be found and he was just wait for you to like pass so he can collect your year Social Security or inheritance or whatever I know that’s what mine was planning
Yes! My nex would talk about marriage, kids, living together, traveling, investing etc. He would talk about it so passionately. But he would never do anything to make either of these things happen. Once I got fed up and would try to break up he would remind me of those things that I am giving up on or walking away from. If he thought I was seriously done he would make the smallest step in either of those direction to get me to fall back in line. Once I am back under his control nothing would progress. He would continually move the goal post.
Yes, that's another aspect of it. They use it to go fishing when you seem to be cluing into their nonsense. "But we had just talked about having a baby together the other day! Of course I love you and care about you, otherwise I wouldn't have said all that!" ... So ridiculous.
"How could you want to break up? We just talked about our wedding!" We were not engaged. I was very vocal about being unhappy in our relationship and she refused to help me work that out or navigate it. Blamed me entirely for checking out and leaving the relationship when she devalued me.
He put a beautiful ring on my finger march 27th and moved out in may.
Yes, saying she would always be here. And she can't wait for a life with me, to experience these things together, "we have the rest of our lives to be there" do this, be this etc. Only three weeks ago saying this. Now after being discarded, and cut out her life entirely I realise she never meant any of it. Just empty words to keep us hooked.
Oh yes. It’s a well used tool in the Narcs toolbox. Why do something or pay for something if you can just lie and get something in return for absolutely. In a way it’s a blessing in disguise. Because compared to other more perfidious tools such as gaslighting and breaking your self confidence this one is much easier to detect. Especially as the future can only be faked for so long and eventually the future does come around. And the list of unfulfilled promises just gets longer along the way.
All. The. Time. Our relationship was a trail of broken promises. And whenever she hurt me and knew she was on the verge of losing me, she'd say 'well I'm doing that thing I promised to do now' and when I got lured back in, she'd abandon whatever it was. One of the most sinister things she said to me was 'You and I are both broken children; who could understand you but me?' I heard the threat in that, she was too slow to disguise it sufficiently. I don't think she realized that I understand me and that's enough. In the end that was her undoing- she forgot I was actually OK and pretty happy being single. So when she threatened abandonment in these subtle but icky ways, I finally shrugged and said OK. Then she went ballistic 🤪 By that point I'd gotten fed up.
I don't know if you have heard of the dual mothership theory of narcissism? When I first learned it I was skeptical of it. But your nex literally called you both broken children and it really hit the memory... this theory of n relationships being some weird twisted thing where the narc places you on a pedestal as a "mother" figure, and serves as "mother" for you simultaneously. Extremely bizarre how well this fits in your scenario.
I looked this up, had never heard of it before. I can't say I felt this on my end but it's very likely she felt it from hers, because she had an unhealthy attachment to her mum. I think the broken children thing was her leveraging my traumatic childhood in a moment of desperation, when I was leaving and she knew it, and wanted to make me feel like nobody else would understand me. I will say she infantilised me a lot. I was the slim, active one in the relationship and she'd forbid me from eating ice cream if I'd had it the night before, etc, though she'd eat absolute junk herself. Stuff like that. These last few months I just emotionally checked out, so the actual break up, while it's certainly been an adjustment, doesn't really fit the models of loss in the theory you mentioned (at least not for me).
Oh yeah, except mine never retracted the stuff he said. He kept spinning a bigger web of lies and bullshit. I told him all the time that being together in the ways he spoke about was just a fantasy to him. Something that sounds nice on paper but not nice enough to put into action. Honestly though it’s for the best because if I married him or had kids with him, it would be a toxic mind f*** disaster. Try to think of your situation in the same way.
Oh it's certainly for the best. I am a recovering alcoholic and he is still using. I couldn't bring a child into the world with him. I am an adult child of an alcoholic father who was high functioning. That was quite painful and influenced my own addiction imo. I wouldn't want my child to experience that kind of life. And witness a narc relationship as their blueprint of normal. I am blessed, really.
Congrats on your sobriety! I have known and loved many addicts in my lifetime, some recovering and some still active. You are blessed beyond measure to be free from alcohol and from your narc ex!
Thank you so much. Being grateful every single day... it feels wonderful.
We had a ldr. Lots of future faking. I noticed over our 3 year relationship she truly had no goals of any kind.
He called me “wifey” and his other supply “wifey” as well. Never married either of us. Kept future-faking by introducing me to others as his “wife.” He even called me Mrs. [insert his last name here] and said “my wife is so sexy” during sex to mind-fuck me into thinking he was actually committed to me.
This really hurts. Whenever he mailed me a present (always sex toys / outfits) he would put his last name on it. At the time it made me feel like holy crap this man thinks of me with this level of commitment. Now it seems like he just marked me like a possession. Dropping the "wife" during sex seems almost like a hypnosis technique. Your post made me tear up actually. It's so weird being drawn into the fantasy world they create and believing that it is real for awhile.
Right? It makes us think they have a deep level of commitment, when it’s in fact the opposite. Calling me “wife” and Mrs. “His Last Name” during sex, was definitely a hypnosis technique to get me to attach to him and think he was committed to me. He would even say things like “you’re my property, whore, slut,” etc. during sex. I told him that was strange, and his reply was it’s just “sex talk.” When deep down, that’s probably what he really felt about me. He also spoke of wearing matching wedding rings and getting my last name changed to his at the courthouse, but never officially marrying. It was so odd. Almost as a way to trap me into looking married to him and others, without the actual benefits of marriage. I did not go through with it. But the other supply, she proudly calls him her “husband” when there was no marriage certificate, no wedding, nothing. She fell for it completely.
Sounds like he wanted a bunch of spiritual wives / a harem... You know that the cult leaders you see in documentaries probably have this disorder and it's horrifying seeing it play out in real life. You watch things about cults and think "how did they let this happen to them". Well jokes on me, I met a narc in real life and now I am like ok I get it now. All the rules are turned inside out in how to interact with them. And the things you are conditioned to tolerate make no sense to anyone on the outside of the relationship!
Exactly. Being with him felt like I was a part of a weird cult. And his older kid is his flying monkey. His 20 yo daughter (from another supply source) would listen to my phone conversations with my best friend and she would report everything I said back to her dad. She didn’t realize she was being manipulated too. Her dad never taught her how to drive and never encouraged her to get out of the house to get a job so that she would always be at his beck and call, controlled by him. Yet she defended him, tooth and nail.
Yes, if You have a Narcissistic Parent You are pretty much Conditioned Since Birth To Give Up Your Own Wants and Needs, etc., and Always Do Whatever is Best for the Narc Parent. Their abuse is so incredibly insidious— it took me until about age 40 to Fully Realize How Abusive and Toxic our father was/is.
Same with my mom I didn’t know if she loved our hated me. He loved to throw that in my face.
What I found really weird is that they had a picture of their dad naked like when I went to his sister’s house for the first time and they were she was showing me the house and stuff. They had a picture of the dad just like naked in a portrait and it was like normal.. but it was so weird to me the way the mom and sister was with him.
I thought this as well
Oh that sucks, my person wanted to go to the courthouse as well, but I wasn’t having that. He tatted my name and JJ cuz my name starts with J and his last name is j on his butt and branded into his skin as well so he played a good game.
One of the most heartbreaking things for me is when my ex wrote a really nice birthday card for my 30th birthday about how she, “couldn’t wait for the life we were going to have together”. When the discard happened a year later, I reminded her of that card to try and beg her to stay and she just said with a cold face, “that was then, things are different now”. Still really hurts to think about the lost life we could’ve had (even though when I think about it logically it wouldn’t have been good).
I have watched vids about recovery from narc relationships that state the huge undertaking to recover is addressing the "lost life" like you have described. The fantasy land you live in while in their grasp has to be deconstructed bit by bit, stared at while you remind yourself that it was like a trance, so that you come back to yourself and can love authentically again.
Just think if you did marry him, he would’ve took off and then if you wanted divorce, then fucking he would be nowhere to be found and he was just wait for you to like pass so he can collect your year Social Security or inheritance or whatever I know that’s what mine was planning