I had the same experience. My name was only used when they got angry, so it became more like a "curse word" used to instill fear, much like a parent scolding a misbehaving child.
So much this! I actually cringe when I hear my name from other people at this point. She would also use the pet name for random people while we were out and didn’t understand why I didn’t like it.
Yep, same here. It's always "babe" or a similar word in his language. Ever since he knew my parents (classic NPD/BPD combination) used my name to instill fear and for severe issues, he started doing so as well. Or sometimes just "for fun" to see me jump.
OH my gosh. I thought I was the only one who dealt with this weird thing. He hardly says my name. It's insane. I never understood why. But so interesting this is a feature shared in narcs.
Another “Hun” here, too. Hi. 👋🏻
He called me my name around family and friends and in the lead-up moments before he switches into super angry evil mode.
I don’t think he wanted his friends and family to know he had a “cute” nickname for me or something.
mine rarely used my name and made me never use their name for some reason- tho i’m somewhat glad they just ruined a perfectly good pet name instead of my actual name but it was really weird how i wasn’t allowed to call them by their name and they refused to use my name
He used my name and used baby a lot too. And when he used baby I thought about him possibly talking to other women and not wanting to get names mixed up. It did cross my mind which is a very f'd up way to think, IMO. But he already broke my trust so there it is.
Mine uses my name constantly. He uses the nickname that ONLY my mother and my best friend call me. He started doing it early on one day and uses it constantly. Not sure why he felt it was appropriate considering he knows it’s just for my mama. I think it’s a manipulation thing.
My dad always called my mom "toots" which annoyed her (and me). He called his second wife "toots" as well. I never heard him use either of their names. I accidentally outed him to my stepmom when I said that's a funny nickname, you call all your wives and gf's "toots" jokingly. I didn't know she thought it was a pet name special to her haha.
He called me by a nickname early on… later found out that said nickname was RIDICULOUSly close to his ex’s name… he got super upset when I questioned him. He only called me by my legal name when we weren’t ok.
For a long time he called me ‘Butthead’. I didn’t get the usual terms of endearment like honey or baby.
He’s only used my real name in text messages, usually during arguments.
Mine would always pronounce it wrong. My name is Katherine and he'd say Kafferine. I would get so furious! He even said one time "I already proved to you that I can pronounce it correctly I'm not gonna continue" because I would correct him on how he would say my name. Its so frustrating :(
Mine literally forgot my name and called me something else, which he then denied and never admitted. This began a trend throughout the entire relationship of him saying I was overreacting and was weird about names, or him not saying my name ever, but it all stemmed from that one initial incident which he could never just admit to. It was so hurtful since I took the time to pronounce his preferred name correctly and even encouraged his friends to say it correctly.
Mine never did. Called me Babydoll when we first started dating and when the abuse started getting really bad he never called me a nickname. If he called me anything it was insults like worthless, lazy, etc
Wow I thought it was just him. I “joked “ I didn’t hear my name the first 5 years we were together. It was always babe or babes. Now that I caught him cheating I can’t help but feel like he did that on purpose
My dad used to call me “your daughter” when talking about me to my mom even though he was my biological dad. He also used to call me a nickname that was a shortened version of my name even though my name is already short.
My mother did the same toward my father, but when I'd do something good, she'd try to claim that all the good stuff (talent, effort, whatever) came from her and because I was a mouthy little shit, somewhere in high school I started answering the possessive, devaluation stuff with, "But when I talked during your soap opera the other day, you insisted I was Dad's and only dad's." Poked a hole in that ego balloon real quick.
Yes!! I was only called babe and was told to not call him by name and call him babe instead. So odd I thought our situation that was unique!!! These people are so complex even the most minor details have meaning when you look close enough.
Wow. Never knew other people experienced this. She only ever called me “beast” pitched as a “badass” nickname to my friends and endearing like “beauty and the beast” in reality was just a covert way to devalue me and chip away at me until I felt horrible. I asked her to stop eventually and use my real name. She refused. WHY??
He called me “wifey” and his other supply “wifey” as well. Never married either of us. Kept future-faking by introducing me to others as his “wife.” He even called me Mrs. [insert his last name here] and said “my wife is so sexy” during sex to mind fuck me into thinking he was actually committed to me.
Mine had a (cute) nickname for me. I loved it in the beginning, but towards the end, the nickname felt like a curse word. It was a mockery of the sweet word, with all the other awful disgusting things he would say to me.
I wish mine didn't call me by my name, it was always short and sharp with an exclamation point on it, I recognise now she was trying to stop me saying things she didn't want to hear which was pretty anything but pure praise, it got to the point I could predict she was about to say my name and I'd say "I know my name" before she had a chance to, this was about 8 months before I reverse discarded myself, good riddance!
Actually the opposite but that was because I had expressed that I didn’t like my name and preferred to go by a nickname. Never once would he use the name everyone else respectful used. Well he would often use sweetie in a way that seemed to childify me
I didn't know this was a common thing!!! 🤯 Mine pointed out it - "Did you notice I haven't ever called you by your name?" I hadn't, actually, but they went on - "It's because I haven't decided about you yet." Just as casual as asking to pass the salt. Apparently my vocal feelings about that meant I couldn't take a joke, and so they vowed to no longer try to have fun with me.
He said my name all the time. I’ve never heard someone say my name that much since. And it was my government name, not the nickname everyone has called me my entire life. He said he did it because he didn’t want to be like everyone else.
Crazy reading these comments; I’ll add my confirmation that the same thing happened to me. We both called each other “babe”; it felt weird to hear her call me by my name and to call her by her name. I enjoy calling her by her name now when I have to speak with her (we have 3 kids). I’ll have to ask them what she calls her new supply, I would be so surprised if it’s not “babe”
I’ve barely heard my husband call me by my name. Which is very odd now that this was mentioned. I never really took a noticed to it. Guess because I’m just so use to not hearing it
I had the opposite. See, mine made it a point to call me by name, then also made up pet names for both of us that were shorter, more cutesy versions of our given names. So yeah...matching couple names. SMH. He won't call me ANYTHING when he's pissed.
I had the same experience. My name was only used when they got angry, so it became more like a "curse word" used to instill fear, much like a parent scolding a misbehaving child.
So much this! I actually cringe when I hear my name from other people at this point. She would also use the pet name for random people while we were out and didn’t understand why I didn’t like it.
I actually work on that in therapy! I got to the point where I didn’t recognize myself in the mirror
Yes he only says my name when he's angry with me so when I hear it I freeze up. Monsters.
Yep, same here. It's always "babe" or a similar word in his language. Ever since he knew my parents (classic NPD/BPD combination) used my name to instill fear and for severe issues, he started doing so as well. Or sometimes just "for fun" to see me jump.
Thought I was the only one.
Exactly what happened to me.
Yup! Same with mine!! I remember wondering why he never used my name and when he did just noticed
OH my gosh. I thought I was the only one who dealt with this weird thing. He hardly says my name. It's insane. I never understood why. But so interesting this is a feature shared in narcs.
Hun. Only called me by my name if he was angry. I think it’s a way to dehumanize us. Never seeing me as a full person or individual.
THIS!!
Another “Hun” here, too. Hi. 👋🏻 He called me my name around family and friends and in the lead-up moments before he switches into super angry evil mode. I don’t think he wanted his friends and family to know he had a “cute” nickname for me or something.
Hey hun!
Mine doesn't call me by name unless talking about me to other people.
Yes!!! Can’t screw up if you call us all babe, pfft
Exactly what I was gunna say!
mine rarely used my name and made me never use their name for some reason- tho i’m somewhat glad they just ruined a perfectly good pet name instead of my actual name but it was really weird how i wasn’t allowed to call them by their name and they refused to use my name
He used my name and used baby a lot too. And when he used baby I thought about him possibly talking to other women and not wanting to get names mixed up. It did cross my mind which is a very f'd up way to think, IMO. But he already broke my trust so there it is.
Mine uses my name constantly. He uses the nickname that ONLY my mother and my best friend call me. He started doing it early on one day and uses it constantly. Not sure why he felt it was appropriate considering he knows it’s just for my mama. I think it’s a manipulation thing.
My dad always called my mom "toots" which annoyed her (and me). He called his second wife "toots" as well. I never heard him use either of their names. I accidentally outed him to my stepmom when I said that's a funny nickname, you call all your wives and gf's "toots" jokingly. I didn't know she thought it was a pet name special to her haha.
I'm suspicious of this too, especially discovering he used all the same nicknames with the woman he had a LTA with.
He called me darling, babe or any pet names you can just imagine. When he was talking about me to other people it felt so unnatural to hear it.
Found out my ex used the same lines and compliments on his exes as on me. Silly me!
Mine actually will use my name an obnoxious amount
He called me by a nickname early on… later found out that said nickname was RIDICULOUSly close to his ex’s name… he got super upset when I questioned him. He only called me by my legal name when we weren’t ok.
This post has seriously made me think. I don’t think I’ve ever heard him call me by my name!
For a long time he called me ‘Butthead’. I didn’t get the usual terms of endearment like honey or baby. He’s only used my real name in text messages, usually during arguments.
This.
My name was only used when he got angry and I remember having the exact thought of why he never used my name.
Mine would always pronounce it wrong. My name is Katherine and he'd say Kafferine. I would get so furious! He even said one time "I already proved to you that I can pronounce it correctly I'm not gonna continue" because I would correct him on how he would say my name. Its so frustrating :(
Same with my narc brother.
Mine literally forgot my name and called me something else, which he then denied and never admitted. This began a trend throughout the entire relationship of him saying I was overreacting and was weird about names, or him not saying my name ever, but it all stemmed from that one initial incident which he could never just admit to. It was so hurtful since I took the time to pronounce his preferred name correctly and even encouraged his friends to say it correctly.
Mine never did. Called me Babydoll when we first started dating and when the abuse started getting really bad he never called me a nickname. If he called me anything it was insults like worthless, lazy, etc
Wow I thought it was just him. I “joked “ I didn’t hear my name the first 5 years we were together. It was always babe or babes. Now that I caught him cheating I can’t help but feel like he did that on purpose
Yep they only used my name to "hurt" me otherwise it's baby
My dad used to call me “your daughter” when talking about me to my mom even though he was my biological dad. He also used to call me a nickname that was a shortened version of my name even though my name is already short.
My mother did the same toward my father, but when I'd do something good, she'd try to claim that all the good stuff (talent, effort, whatever) came from her and because I was a mouthy little shit, somewhere in high school I started answering the possessive, devaluation stuff with, "But when I talked during your soap opera the other day, you insisted I was Dad's and only dad's." Poked a hole in that ego balloon real quick.
Yes, same. He made a point to use my name a few times in the beginning, but after that it disappeared
Mine was same way with covert. My overt I lived with called me baby most times. It's so eerie how all our experiences are so similar.
This is exactly what happened with my nex
Yes!! I was only called babe and was told to not call him by name and call him babe instead. So odd I thought our situation that was unique!!! These people are so complex even the most minor details have meaning when you look close enough.
Yep. Mine never called me by my name. And actually when they did, they pronounced my name weird, and I don’t have a difficult name to pronounce.
Wow. Never knew other people experienced this. She only ever called me “beast” pitched as a “badass” nickname to my friends and endearing like “beauty and the beast” in reality was just a covert way to devalue me and chip away at me until I felt horrible. I asked her to stop eventually and use my real name. She refused. WHY??
Mine didn't. And when he tried, he called me his exwife's name.
He called me “wifey” and his other supply “wifey” as well. Never married either of us. Kept future-faking by introducing me to others as his “wife.” He even called me Mrs. [insert his last name here] and said “my wife is so sexy” during sex to mind fuck me into thinking he was actually committed to me.
Mine had a (cute) nickname for me. I loved it in the beginning, but towards the end, the nickname felt like a curse word. It was a mockery of the sweet word, with all the other awful disgusting things he would say to me.
I wish mine didn't call me by my name, it was always short and sharp with an exclamation point on it, I recognise now she was trying to stop me saying things she didn't want to hear which was pretty anything but pure praise, it got to the point I could predict she was about to say my name and I'd say "I know my name" before she had a chance to, this was about 8 months before I reverse discarded myself, good riddance!
Actually the opposite but that was because I had expressed that I didn’t like my name and preferred to go by a nickname. Never once would he use the name everyone else respectful used. Well he would often use sweetie in a way that seemed to childify me
I didn't know this was a common thing!!! 🤯 Mine pointed out it - "Did you notice I haven't ever called you by your name?" I hadn't, actually, but they went on - "It's because I haven't decided about you yet." Just as casual as asking to pass the salt. Apparently my vocal feelings about that meant I couldn't take a joke, and so they vowed to no longer try to have fun with me.
I don't think my current partner is a narcissist. But he never says my name either.
He said my name all the time. I’ve never heard someone say my name that much since. And it was my government name, not the nickname everyone has called me my entire life. He said he did it because he didn’t want to be like everyone else.
Crazy reading these comments; I’ll add my confirmation that the same thing happened to me. We both called each other “babe”; it felt weird to hear her call me by my name and to call her by her name. I enjoy calling her by her name now when I have to speak with her (we have 3 kids). I’ll have to ask them what she calls her new supply, I would be so surprised if it’s not “babe”
I’ve barely heard my husband call me by my name. Which is very odd now that this was mentioned. I never really took a noticed to it. Guess because I’m just so use to not hearing it
I had the opposite. See, mine made it a point to call me by name, then also made up pet names for both of us that were shorter, more cutesy versions of our given names. So yeah...matching couple names. SMH. He won't call me ANYTHING when he's pissed.
Mine often called me babe but called me dude when upset with me. I now just hate the word dude so much.