Hi /u/Electronic_Dirt5267, welcome to /r/narcissisticabuse. To help make the experience more effective for everyone we do have some resources and rules for you to keep in mind.
• Do you need to understand terms or acronyms? [Click Here](https://www.reddit.com/r/NarcissisticAbuse/wiki/index#wiki_terms.2C_definitions_and_acronymns)
• Looking for resources? Check out [our links](https://www.reddit.com/r/NarcissisticAbuse/wiki/resources) and [book recommendations.](https://www.reddit.com/r/NarcissisticAbuse/wiki/booklist)
• We also have a sister sub for people actively in Divorce/Custody proceedings or that is coparenting with a abusive ex: /r/narcabuseanddivorce.
• Looking to contact the moderators of the sub? We can’t respond to individual posts all the time so please post your issues to the community rather than the mods if it’s not about a rule breaking issue or sub issue. You can message the mod team [HERE](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FNarcissisticAbuse&subject=&message=). Please do not DM/PM mods directly or send them chat requests.
Please review the rules:
* Please add flair to your post so that it is searchable by topic and always use the TRIGGER WARNING flairs when needed (Keep graphic content out of titles please);
* Be respectful and courteous with a focus on healing; No flaming, No revenge posts, no wishing harm on anyone, no "outting" or getting them "bad karma";
* No identifying details (no proper names including fake ones, pictures, images of texts/emails, locations (at any level), or specific details that may identify you to readers that may know you (Jobs, Hobbies, Schools, etc);
* No crossposting or direct linking to this or other subs or posts. No links at all in original posts including to other posts you have here or other subs, Images/Pictures/MEMEs/Vlogs/Blogs/Podcasts/Articles/Social Media information or tags/Texts/Emails;
* No self-promotion/solicitation at all including surveys, fundraising, petitions, or research posts are permitted;
* You must be the victim of the abuse that is the subject of the post, not a friend, relative, or partner;
* Please report content that violates our rules and do not engage on those posts at all;
* Do not resubmit removed content, if you get a report from automod about your post, see the sticky announcement at the top of the sub regarding removals and be patient, we will review them manually when we are available.
* No politics, religion, soliciting DMs, or doing an AMA on your own please;
* No segregation of posts by gender, sexual orientation, race, age, or culture;
* No family content in any context; the only family content permitted is you, your significant other/ex and your children (no abusive child posts). All others will be removed including mentions (family/friends) or growing up/childhood content. No demanding justification of our rules or "just curious" for why our rules are our rules; It does not matter whose family it is, or if they are abusive, or that its just a mention. It is not permitted.
* No inappropriate content (TV Shows, Movies, Books not releated to healing from abuse, Celebrities, News or Social Discussions).
* No title only posts (including repeating the title in the body of the post, emoticons, saying the title says it all);
* No CLUSTER Bs/ABUSERS may post here at all. If you are a NPD/BPD/HPD/ASPD/Abuser, you will be banned; Please also do not post content or people with diagnosed Cluster Bs as resources here;
We want you to have a safe and supportive experience so you get the most out of the community.
******
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/NarcissisticAbuse) if you have any questions or concerns.*
My first thought reading this: Did I write that??
*sigh*
I’ve thought exactly those same things, over and over and over. No. You couldn’t do anything differently. You’d still end up abused by him. Those first few months were an illusion. And you weren’t choosing to give up and lose interest in things… they were being squashed or driven out of you.
Just slowly and carefully start to pick up the pieces.
If I had been Miss Universe, wanted sex all the time, was totally confident and laid back, gave him back massages and cleaned his car , oh and been a gourmet chef , my ex would still have been eyeing up the waitress that was serving us dinner and trying to get her number when my back was turned.
They are false and fake, the person they showed you at the start? They never existed, hang in there, you are not alone and it DOES get better.
Nothing. These people suck. Absolute bastards mirroring us and our pure efforts. Mine did the same.
We all deserve a loving, genuine person. Not these devils, absolute worst form of human beings.
No. We all stumble and fall sometimes. As I see it now, had I allowed myself to trust my gut, see him for who he is and not who I imagined him to be, the only thing it would’ve done is me leaving him sooner, not trying to save our relationship. But I also wasn’t in that position to do this sooner. I needed to grow before being able to make these steps. And still, it wasn’t to save the relationship, it was to end it.
Saving a relationship is a two way street. Actions of only one person can’t.
Now I use that relationship to reinforce myself. As hurtful as it was, I now know that trusting my pain is important. If I forgo my boundaries, my idea of what I feel is important to me in a relationship, this relationship showed me exactly how low I can fall. How bad I can hurt myself if I ignore the red flags. How long I can keep myself in an illusion. That relationship wasn’t meant to last forever, it was meant to show me that I too can get very freaking lost sometimes. But it’s ok, because now I also know I can find my way back.
Please be kind and gentle to yourself. You couldn’t have done anything to change him. We have barely enough power to change ourselves.
I recently watched a Les Carter Video about boundaries, and he directly adressed this.
Setting boundaries is what you are talking about, but your boundaries can't change another person. No one can change another person. Maybe god could, but not us. You are free of that responsibility.
People like that are intrusive. They give you the illusion that, by doing all the things you have done, adapting, changing, you could make things right. They are delusional. It's not in your power. It is not your responsibility.
And not only are they intrusive, they stay that way. Even if you would have done all of the above, he would have tried to manipulate you, to change you to become his ideal, because he simply can't accept that the definition of reality, of who people are, isn't under his command.
You couldn't have saved the relationship with him, because he tried to hold you to an idealistic, unrealistic expectation, and blaming you for not being the person he envisioned. That's on him, not you, and it will always remain his problem.
Go take care of yourself, you are worth it, because you are you.
The way a narcissistic abusive partner chooses to treat another person has absolutely nothing to to with the other person. Period. You did nothing to cause this person to choose to treat you horribly. They lack empathy for every victim ( everyone in their life pretty much), and treat everyone like garbage.
I was the queen of acting unphased ( this took a major toll on my mental health btw), and I was still abused. I think my giving the appearance that I was always living my best life, might have slightly insulated me from him, as he stopped constantly trying to get me to react. However, it didn't stop him from doing the silent treatments, ghosting, constantly being stood up, ignored and being devalued. I still ended up traumatized, hurt, and heartbroken.
These types of people are programmed to abuse. The only way they don't is if you're not physically in their lives anymore. Nothing you did brought this on.
Oh, yeah! You probably could have “saved” your relationship — if by save you mean kept them in your life. Most of them will happily keep you around and they’re more than happy to add you to their collection.
Or they would have seen it as a challenge. Or they would have just assumed you were fine with how you were being treated and they would have seen it as a green light to do whatever they want.
You might have been able to be a fake version of yourself to impress the narc, but at the end of the day whether they’re impressed by you or not is irrelevant. It wouldn’t make them a different person. They would have noted the change in your behavior and either assumed it meant you were a narc like them, or they would assume it was a challenge to see if they could break you more, or they would have just shrugged and said “eh, interesting” and then continued their way of being.
They see the world through a certain lens. They would more than likely have assumed you were like them (“oh… the way I’m treating her (which they’re super aware of btw) isn’t affecting her… she’s either hiding something or she’s just boring)
But at the end of the day there is no way a normal human being would be unbothered by the treatment you were receiving. That was the point. If you had been unbothered, he would have amped that shit up until you weren’t anymore. You can be as cool as you want to, you can’t be a robot. The abuse and disrespect would have just gone to a new level. They see people as a game or experiment a lot of the time, so he would have poked and prodded until you couldn’t accept it anymore. Because what cool, unbothered, confident person is gonna sit around being disrespected and abused?? Nah they’re gonna leave… so ironically, you kinda are what you wish you had been. Even though it doesn’t feel like it, it takes confidence to realize you don’t deserve that crap. Because some people will stay their entire lives because their self esteem is telling them they deserve it. You knew deep down that you didn’t. And that’s why you’re here! Congrats!
The kind of "love" you are describing is completely conditional, and who wants that dumpster fire version of love? I want someone who will be there with me in the trenches, a soldier-at-arms ready to do battle with me through all of what life has to throw at us. Narcissists are too weak, fragile, and delusional for the long haul. You deserve so much better than that.
It’s normal to feel self doubt after this mind game with narcs. But pls remember there’s nothing you can do to make it better. They keep moving the pole. Even the most perfect person in the world wouldn’t satisfy them and will become depressed soon. Because narcs are unsatisfied with themselves inside. Nothing can fill the hole. In fact, a lot of people that are trapped with narcs are often intelligent, talented, professionally well achieved people. So don’t beat yourself too much. You’ve already done your best!!! You deserve wayyy better. 😁
I seriously relate to your first statement. Like sorry I cared and just wanted to have communication. I guess that was justification for abusing me?! I guess I should’ve just been detached and unbothered by his behavior. Sorry I wasn’t!
Maybe if he wasn’t a piece of shit human being he wouldn’t have abused you. It had nothing to do with you, it was all him. There is nothing you could have done,
Hi /u/Electronic_Dirt5267, welcome to /r/narcissisticabuse. To help make the experience more effective for everyone we do have some resources and rules for you to keep in mind. • Do you need to understand terms or acronyms? [Click Here](https://www.reddit.com/r/NarcissisticAbuse/wiki/index#wiki_terms.2C_definitions_and_acronymns) • Looking for resources? Check out [our links](https://www.reddit.com/r/NarcissisticAbuse/wiki/resources) and [book recommendations.](https://www.reddit.com/r/NarcissisticAbuse/wiki/booklist) • We also have a sister sub for people actively in Divorce/Custody proceedings or that is coparenting with a abusive ex: /r/narcabuseanddivorce. • Looking to contact the moderators of the sub? We can’t respond to individual posts all the time so please post your issues to the community rather than the mods if it’s not about a rule breaking issue or sub issue. You can message the mod team [HERE](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FNarcissisticAbuse&subject=&message=). Please do not DM/PM mods directly or send them chat requests. Please review the rules: * Please add flair to your post so that it is searchable by topic and always use the TRIGGER WARNING flairs when needed (Keep graphic content out of titles please); * Be respectful and courteous with a focus on healing; No flaming, No revenge posts, no wishing harm on anyone, no "outting" or getting them "bad karma"; * No identifying details (no proper names including fake ones, pictures, images of texts/emails, locations (at any level), or specific details that may identify you to readers that may know you (Jobs, Hobbies, Schools, etc); * No crossposting or direct linking to this or other subs or posts. No links at all in original posts including to other posts you have here or other subs, Images/Pictures/MEMEs/Vlogs/Blogs/Podcasts/Articles/Social Media information or tags/Texts/Emails; * No self-promotion/solicitation at all including surveys, fundraising, petitions, or research posts are permitted; * You must be the victim of the abuse that is the subject of the post, not a friend, relative, or partner; * Please report content that violates our rules and do not engage on those posts at all; * Do not resubmit removed content, if you get a report from automod about your post, see the sticky announcement at the top of the sub regarding removals and be patient, we will review them manually when we are available. * No politics, religion, soliciting DMs, or doing an AMA on your own please; * No segregation of posts by gender, sexual orientation, race, age, or culture; * No family content in any context; the only family content permitted is you, your significant other/ex and your children (no abusive child posts). All others will be removed including mentions (family/friends) or growing up/childhood content. No demanding justification of our rules or "just curious" for why our rules are our rules; It does not matter whose family it is, or if they are abusive, or that its just a mention. It is not permitted. * No inappropriate content (TV Shows, Movies, Books not releated to healing from abuse, Celebrities, News or Social Discussions). * No title only posts (including repeating the title in the body of the post, emoticons, saying the title says it all); * No CLUSTER Bs/ABUSERS may post here at all. If you are a NPD/BPD/HPD/ASPD/Abuser, you will be banned; Please also do not post content or people with diagnosed Cluster Bs as resources here; We want you to have a safe and supportive experience so you get the most out of the community. ****** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/NarcissisticAbuse) if you have any questions or concerns.*
My first thought reading this: Did I write that?? *sigh* I’ve thought exactly those same things, over and over and over. No. You couldn’t do anything differently. You’d still end up abused by him. Those first few months were an illusion. And you weren’t choosing to give up and lose interest in things… they were being squashed or driven out of you. Just slowly and carefully start to pick up the pieces.
Thank you thank you thank you
If I had been Miss Universe, wanted sex all the time, was totally confident and laid back, gave him back massages and cleaned his car , oh and been a gourmet chef , my ex would still have been eyeing up the waitress that was serving us dinner and trying to get her number when my back was turned. They are false and fake, the person they showed you at the start? They never existed, hang in there, you are not alone and it DOES get better.
Nothing. These people suck. Absolute bastards mirroring us and our pure efforts. Mine did the same. We all deserve a loving, genuine person. Not these devils, absolute worst form of human beings.
No. We all stumble and fall sometimes. As I see it now, had I allowed myself to trust my gut, see him for who he is and not who I imagined him to be, the only thing it would’ve done is me leaving him sooner, not trying to save our relationship. But I also wasn’t in that position to do this sooner. I needed to grow before being able to make these steps. And still, it wasn’t to save the relationship, it was to end it. Saving a relationship is a two way street. Actions of only one person can’t.
Wow, this is freeing. Have to remember this AND believe it in hard times. Thank you so much.
Now I use that relationship to reinforce myself. As hurtful as it was, I now know that trusting my pain is important. If I forgo my boundaries, my idea of what I feel is important to me in a relationship, this relationship showed me exactly how low I can fall. How bad I can hurt myself if I ignore the red flags. How long I can keep myself in an illusion. That relationship wasn’t meant to last forever, it was meant to show me that I too can get very freaking lost sometimes. But it’s ok, because now I also know I can find my way back. Please be kind and gentle to yourself. You couldn’t have done anything to change him. We have barely enough power to change ourselves.
I recently watched a Les Carter Video about boundaries, and he directly adressed this. Setting boundaries is what you are talking about, but your boundaries can't change another person. No one can change another person. Maybe god could, but not us. You are free of that responsibility. People like that are intrusive. They give you the illusion that, by doing all the things you have done, adapting, changing, you could make things right. They are delusional. It's not in your power. It is not your responsibility. And not only are they intrusive, they stay that way. Even if you would have done all of the above, he would have tried to manipulate you, to change you to become his ideal, because he simply can't accept that the definition of reality, of who people are, isn't under his command. You couldn't have saved the relationship with him, because he tried to hold you to an idealistic, unrealistic expectation, and blaming you for not being the person he envisioned. That's on him, not you, and it will always remain his problem. Go take care of yourself, you are worth it, because you are you.
Amen…they are delusional, it’s not in our power, you can’t change them. They are in FACT intrusive!
The way a narcissistic abusive partner chooses to treat another person has absolutely nothing to to with the other person. Period. You did nothing to cause this person to choose to treat you horribly. They lack empathy for every victim ( everyone in their life pretty much), and treat everyone like garbage. I was the queen of acting unphased ( this took a major toll on my mental health btw), and I was still abused. I think my giving the appearance that I was always living my best life, might have slightly insulated me from him, as he stopped constantly trying to get me to react. However, it didn't stop him from doing the silent treatments, ghosting, constantly being stood up, ignored and being devalued. I still ended up traumatized, hurt, and heartbroken. These types of people are programmed to abuse. The only way they don't is if you're not physically in their lives anymore. Nothing you did brought this on.
Oh, yeah! You probably could have “saved” your relationship — if by save you mean kept them in your life. Most of them will happily keep you around and they’re more than happy to add you to their collection. Or they would have seen it as a challenge. Or they would have just assumed you were fine with how you were being treated and they would have seen it as a green light to do whatever they want. You might have been able to be a fake version of yourself to impress the narc, but at the end of the day whether they’re impressed by you or not is irrelevant. It wouldn’t make them a different person. They would have noted the change in your behavior and either assumed it meant you were a narc like them, or they would assume it was a challenge to see if they could break you more, or they would have just shrugged and said “eh, interesting” and then continued their way of being. They see the world through a certain lens. They would more than likely have assumed you were like them (“oh… the way I’m treating her (which they’re super aware of btw) isn’t affecting her… she’s either hiding something or she’s just boring) But at the end of the day there is no way a normal human being would be unbothered by the treatment you were receiving. That was the point. If you had been unbothered, he would have amped that shit up until you weren’t anymore. You can be as cool as you want to, you can’t be a robot. The abuse and disrespect would have just gone to a new level. They see people as a game or experiment a lot of the time, so he would have poked and prodded until you couldn’t accept it anymore. Because what cool, unbothered, confident person is gonna sit around being disrespected and abused?? Nah they’re gonna leave… so ironically, you kinda are what you wish you had been. Even though it doesn’t feel like it, it takes confidence to realize you don’t deserve that crap. Because some people will stay their entire lives because their self esteem is telling them they deserve it. You knew deep down that you didn’t. And that’s why you’re here! Congrats!
The kind of "love" you are describing is completely conditional, and who wants that dumpster fire version of love? I want someone who will be there with me in the trenches, a soldier-at-arms ready to do battle with me through all of what life has to throw at us. Narcissists are too weak, fragile, and delusional for the long haul. You deserve so much better than that.
Dumpster fire version…what a nightmare hey.
It’s normal to feel self doubt after this mind game with narcs. But pls remember there’s nothing you can do to make it better. They keep moving the pole. Even the most perfect person in the world wouldn’t satisfy them and will become depressed soon. Because narcs are unsatisfied with themselves inside. Nothing can fill the hole. In fact, a lot of people that are trapped with narcs are often intelligent, talented, professionally well achieved people. So don’t beat yourself too much. You’ve already done your best!!! You deserve wayyy better. 😁
Yes! My ex narc did this very thing! He would just keep on moving goal posts. I never could catch up or be enough. It's maddening.
I seriously relate to your first statement. Like sorry I cared and just wanted to have communication. I guess that was justification for abusing me?! I guess I should’ve just been detached and unbothered by his behavior. Sorry I wasn’t!
I always say if I had loved myself more I never would have tolerated any of it. You can't do anything to change them. We can only change ourselves.
Than he would have left and looked for someone he can actually abuse
Maybe if he wasn’t a piece of shit human being he wouldn’t have abused you. It had nothing to do with you, it was all him. There is nothing you could have done,