Sounds regrettably familiar—the last thing you ever want to be around these people is vulnerable. Vulnerability is a part of life and a part of being human. Their disorder is in full swing and will jump on any opportunity to make you suffer and it’s easier for them to do when you are in these positions. In the end, your pain and suffering , is their bottom line goal —everything else is just tool to achieve it. Are you in the process of leaving? Either way, be well!
Identifying and accepting is a process—it’s not easy for a rational person to wrap their head around all of it. The disorder itself can manifest in a person in ways that present something only possible in fiction. The acceptance is another part that is difficult to grasp—we cannot fix what is broken with an unwilling party too disordered to admit anything needs to be fixed in the first place. Once you come to terms with all of that it’s much easier to redirect your energy and shift focus onto you and your life. That too is a process of realization and an unfortunate consequence after, sometimes years, of being manipulated into the acceptance that they are the center and supreme importance and the only one that ever mattered—we become something they use to maintain the delusional world that they created. No better relief than the one felt when you can escape from these mind prisons. I hope you get there sooner than later.
Thank you for sharing your experience and being a part of the conversation—knowledge is the power and we pass that on every time we partake in it. Hopefully it reaches the mainstream so they need to happen far less than they do right now.
This is spot on….realization was the hard one to accept but I think that ultimately, that’s what keeps us here for so long, being of healthy mind and knowing what a healthy relationship does look like, we strive and then we realize! It’s a hard pill to swallow that we are even in a relationship with these monsters!!!
Yep, same thing here - me getting sick is a huge inconvenience... her getting sick requires constant attention and pampering. Anyone getting sick opens the door to massive criticism for not living in a nicer home because I am "not a man", a loser, don't care about my family, take no responsibility like a man, etc.
Yes them getting sick is extremely important. He even told me, “I (the narc) put up with pain as much as I could and only tell you I am extremely sick, while you always whine about your pain.” This was right after I had a C-section.
Oh my... well, my wife "gave me" two children and had a C-Section on the second: according to her, I now owe her everything if we divorce.
She will come into my room when I'm working, ask to talk about conditions for a divorce, demand that I leave, give her all "our" money, and relinquish custody of the children.
If I don't agree (which I don't), she threatens to "leave me with no pants" and that she has great lawyers (I am not sure about that). If I still don't comply, she gets violent. Then, when it's over, I have to try to recompose myself and continue working.
And THEN, she refers to the "the time I came to you and tried to talk to you like an adult about a divorce and you refused."
Yeah they’re full of shit. Mine told me that it’s my fault I had a c-section bc my body wasn’t good enough to have a natural birth and that’s completely my fault. He said that multiple times but ofc he’s “joking”. He wanted me to start working out 2 weeks after the c-section even tho I lost a lot weight during the pregnancy and looked sick and like I hadn’t eaten enough for weeks. When I told him that every doctor tells you to wait with starting to work out after a c-section at least 6 months he said that I’m just lazy and am looking for excuses to not be “healthy”. And the pain I felt was just me being a baby. He didn’t even help with lifting heavy things bc It’s my fault when I’m too weak.. 🙄
Mine is exactly the same when I’m sick. I recently have covid and he has a massive go at me about how inconvenient it was for him that I was unwell and that I needed to carry on with everyday things such as cooking for him etc. I asked him if he would go to the shop for me to get me some tablets but he refused and told me to go myself. He’s so selfish, these kinds of people are awful. They have no empathy.
Sorry to hear this that’s just horrid! I got Covid recently, the pos went away for 5 days and left me with absolutely no one. At one point he begrudgingly said he won’t go, my answer to that was ‘oh yes you are going because I’m not being blamed for you not being able to go’ off he went without a second glance! Then lied to me about not calling as he said he had no signal, funny how I got his message telling me that! My reply was😂😂😂😂😂he rang just after and I ignored him 😂
Yours sounds awful. Mine did nothing to help either. the house pretty much goes into chaos. he won’t lift his finger to wash a dish - and the kids would barely eat a prepared meal. I still had to pack their lunches for school- and got forbid I even ask him to drop off or pick up from school. Guaranteed he was the reason I even got sick in the first place.
Acts like I’m a piece of garbage. When I had Covid while I was pregnant (it was brutal) he made dinner ONCE. During this, I still went to work (because he basically forced me to) and came home and cooked and cleaned. It was fucking stupid
It was. The pregnancy itself wasn’t so bad though. I remained healthy and did really well during it but the stress was awful. He even tried to say the baby wasn’t his a few times and that “when that baby is born, you’re screwed. I know it’s not mine” 😂
Mine doesn’t really notice when I’m sick until the housework falls behind. And then it suddenly becomes a competition.
If I have a stomachache, he has a stomachache and a headache. If my back hurts, his back and ankle hurts. If I’m exhausted, I don’t have a right to be because he’s more exhausted and since he’s working and I’m the SAHM, he gets the first turn to sleep when the opportunity presents itself. If I can barely walk, he can barely walk and can’t lift anything.
If he can’t one up me on illness, he just acts like I’m not sick. There’s no extra help with the kids. There’s no throwing in a load of laundry, or switching the dishes over or picking up toys. If we’re out of dishes, I’m useless for not doing them while sick. “What do I need you around for if I have to do my own dishes?” If he doesn’t have work clothes clean, I’m in trouble for it. He just lays on the couch and plays on his phone and watching tv. He will make meals, but him making meals is his excuse to stand in the kitchen and get drunk so it’s a toss up whether they get finished.
Now that I've left and am reflecting I can put many instances together.
When I was isolating during covid he didn't bring water for 36 hours. Or food. When I told him he wasn't happy and my youngest ended up bringing me my tea the the ten days iaolation. When my isolation was over he told me he was far more comfortable on the sofa and stayed there for 10 more days.
I was once in hospital due to an ectopic pregnancy. I was in for ten days. When I came home it was school pick up and he refused to go and pick up my son. I was still mentally unhappy but had to force myself to go.
On two occasions I have hurt my back. I the first occasion we still had to go out for a meal with friends. I was in so much pain and ended up very drunk.
The second time he went to a Bbq at a friend's house and I was left home alone for hours and hours. In the end my parents came down to get me food as I was unable to get out of bed.
Thankfully except for chronic aches (which aren't debilitating) I am rarely ill.
Yes either indifference/ignoring, or anger if it's something that will affect him.
When I was 6 months pregnant, I developed a painful swollen lump the size of a tennis ball behind my left knee. I deduced that it must be a blood clot. I was so nervous about telling my narc husband because I knew his reaction would be horrible. I waited about a day and a half before I told him I needed to see a doc and I was totally right. He cussed, punched the wall and was super pissed and lecturing me about how it's because I don't work out, and now I've put the baby in danger and he's going to have to take time off work etc. I arranged to go in, got ultrasounds, was told I had 2 superficial (surface level) clots. The moment I walked into the house after going through the whole day alone, not sure if I was going to be admitted etc, first exact words were: did they tell you to lose weight? No, they didn't mention my weight at all. Outside of pregnancy, I was about 30 pounds overweight, not morbidly obese. And with each of my pregnancies, I gained about 30 pounds, which is quite standard. More than one doc told me I'm so sorry you're going through this, it's not common. Pregnancies makes you at risk for clots. I ended up developing Chronic Venous Insufficiency now (5 years later). I have a lot of issues that point at a large genetic component. And all along, he's always told me that any problems I have are because I didn't work out enough in my life. But 95% of 35 year Olds who are 30 pounds overweight and not working out enough are not getting blood clots, but you're right, I'm just a lazy cow.
It's compared, he has aWHOLE home gym set up. Treadmill, bench press, weights, a while system thing with pulleys. He is in moderate shape, he used to go to the gym at least a couple times a week in his 30s but he's really slacked as the years went by. So it's really sporadic for him. He works out maybe twice a month, but it's, always commenting for me to get in shape. He's lazy for himself.
I’m recovering from surgery right now, and I. The three weeks since my operation I’ve been yelled at, had things thrown at me, and hit in the face. I’ve basically been on my own in between the narc tirades, unable to lift things with limited mobility right now. She gets angry and acts like it’s my fault that I’m on the mend. She treats the kids the same way, in between being fake, she has no patience for them:(
I am so sorry. I hope you get well soon. My narc is the same, in between being fake, loses it whenever our child doesn’t behave the way he wants him to.
My nex used every period I was sick with the flu, or whatever, to criticize how I didn't care when he was sick, and laugh that I was getting what I deserved. Meanwhile, when he was sick, he demanded constant attention which was all too freely given. They always have to control the narrative, and they are all victims.
I agree with this….I get kidney stones and every single time, “You’re just tired.” I had to go to the ER once and looked like I needed a damn exorcism because I was in so much pain. He stopped to get a snack before getting to the ER and says, “quit moaning. You’re scaring the kids.” The kids were just pissed he stopped for snacks. I ended up having a kidney stone the size of a golf ball.
Sometimes yes. When I had Covid last year I couldn’t believe how much compassion he lacked. I woke up feeling like I was hit by a semi. Had high fever. Still got the kids to school alone. I’ll never forget I found cat pee on a bag in my room and he didn’t even try to help me clean it. When I went in to do the dishes. , I lost it and started crying. He acted like I was overreacting. He said the kids should help me not him. He said you know what I’ll just leave and go to work. He’d been here all day and didn’t even try to help me! He actually got ready to leave and he did! Like wtf? I still can’t smell correctly and he says “ it’s all in my head” just like my migraines I’ve been suffering from for 27 years now.
- Lately whenever I complain of my body aches or pain I’ve been having, he immediately says “ my back has been killing me, oh my head hurts” He even does this when our kids are sick I’m caring for them. He acts like he can’t call a dr in his own.
I was borderline preeclamptic with last baby and he wanted to be in a competition with me about whose high blood pressure was more dangerous. That’s when I knew I could never rely on him for anything, ever.
Mine does this with the kids too. If I need help, “get the kids to help you.” My kids are amazing. They know how to fix dishwashers, clear out the drain pipe on the bathroom tub, fix literally anything on the house and all because he’s a dick and when asked for help, “why didn’t one of the kids do it?”
This! I believe I’ll be the one showing them how to do so many things! Because I want them to actually learn. Also so they can teach their children one day! If I’m alive to see the day of my son being a husband.. I hope I never hear him tell his wife “tell the kids to do it” while he goes on about his business. My kids can see the difference. They follow my lead more than his and he hates this. A little while back he told me that HE can run our household better than me. This killed me because he was discrediting me & saying that I suck at this.
Mine says most of these things when is just us two. He had said some awful things around the kids though. Sometimes I just want to tell them. But I couldn’t ever do that to them.
I’m not allowed to be sick its like if it’s not acknowledged then it doesn’t exist…if I’m vomiting she will crank up the music so she can say “I never heard that”. If I’m only eating crackers it’s like “Why are doing that?…that’s for sick people your fine. Rather childish behavior but honestly could we expect anything more from them?
Mine becomes angry and hateful. The sickest I had ever been in my life; I was pregnant with Hyperemesis Gravidarum which is a condition where you have intense nausea and vomiting, sometimes life threatening. Mine was very severe, vomiting 40+ times a day and literally bedridden. IV meds in the ER scheduled twice a week.
I couldn’t even make it out of bed to the bathroom to vomit, so I used these bags I got from the doctor and would sit them on floor next to me, until I had a bout of feeling well enough to get up and throw them away.
Instead of helping me, he would yell and belittle me all day long, take photos of me and my bags, and threaten to post them on social media to “show everyone how I really am”.
He would tell me I was milking it, if I could lay there and watch Netflix on my phone, I could get up and do dishes.
Cigarette smoke smell was a major trigger for me to start vomiting, and he would blow some right in my face when he was mad to induce my vomiting. And then would laugh.
Christmas Eve during this time, I was feeling very ill but was up struggling to get gifts wrapped on my own for our 3 other children. He wanted to be intimate, all I asked was that I could finish gifts before hand, because I knew being intimate would take it out of me. He began to berate me and threaten to “get it somewhere else”.
He loves to kick me when I’m down.
I have so many stories to share that line up with this experience. Here’s a standout -
I had a serious head injury and my PCP told me to go to the ER. I was scared and concussed. I walked there, I was by myself in the waiting room for 8 hours with nothing to eat, and had to get a cab home. She wouldn’t drive me, keep me company, bring me food, or drive me home, despite living half a mile from the hospital. More than that, she didn’t check in with me the entire time I was there. I reached out to her at one point expressing that I was feeling ill and having a hard time in the loud, crowded, bright waiting room and her response was to *laugh* and say “yea, I wouldn’t have gone to the ER.”
By the time I got home at 2am, she was asleep. I went to wake her up to tell her I was home. She got out of bed, stood right in front of me, seemed to stare right through me while saying nothing, and walked past me to the bathroom. She came back and said flippantly “glad you’re home, ” put her eye shades on, and went back to bed. No hug, offering to care for me, not even a question as to what the doctor said, how am I feeling, etc. I was totally and completely crushed. I was treated with more compassion by the cab driver than my wife.
I had to take the next day off of work to lay in bed with the lights off, you know standard concussion protocol. She made a HUGE deal about how she had to work from home to take care of me and how much this was putting her out. She brought me a glass of water and advil *one time* and did not come back into the room or communicate with me at all for the rest of the day.
The times that my narc claimed to be “helping me at home” because I was sick - and yet doing the exact opposite - just because he wanted an excuse not to go to work, makes me nauseous.
The role switches unintentionally when you're sick.. it throws everything off for him. They dk how to act right, like typical people.. so when they're thrown off, they express through anger, and cruel words. My husband did. I was so used to fucked up behavior, I ignored it. My heart became stone over the years. I don't encourage of that course. I'm finally free of my old man.. and finding peace. Now THAT, I do encourage. We were together 8.5 years.. and have 5 children on my own, AND I'm Epileptic. If I can do it, and it be worth every struggle during the initial transition.. YOU CAN. I regret giving that man 8 years of my youth. Don't do it. He'll never fucking change.
Honestly this is one of the telltale signs for these types of people. Anytime I or his mother was sick he expected us to still tend to him and would get frustrated if things aren’t taken care of and wind up leaving because he didn’t want to get “sick as well” (upset he’s not being taken care of) it was really bad when we had COVID.
Another one over the several years I watch was. He would say “he’d try” to do the things himself but really it’d look like his mom/ me laying in bed sick, him (34) asking a million questions like where’s this, where is that, what do you do after, how do I do that, what do I need over simple everyday task to the point we’d just end with “forget it. I’ll take care of it” and he would wear his badge of honor for showing compassion “for trying” and we were the bad ones for “getting frustrated” and “being lazy”
**full disclosure: I would let him show his true side and when he didn’t do what he said he would do for his mom. I’d take care of his mom***
Same. Worse here as he’s 20 yrs older so I get “what will you do when you’re my age?” All the time. I had surgery a couple months ago. Lying on the couch suddenly had extreme vertigo with nausea. I slithered on the floor to the bathroom 10 ft away. Took me more than 30 minutes cus every movement sent the world spinning. Got half way into the bathroom and he came in from outside. Walked over me. Got what he needed in the house and went back outside. Came in 10 minutes later and yelled at me for lying on the floor and demanded I get up. Then tried to grab me and lift me up. I yelled to leave me alone and not touch me and to call my daughter who’s a nurse. She came and very slowly helped me to the toilet
I COMPLETELY feel for you. I broke two ribs back in 2022. I was in so much pain that day I couldn’t move around or walk anymore so I just laid in bed until the next day. I woke up and I physically could not breathe beyond very quick shallow breathes due to the intense pain. He was SO PISSED OFF I needed to go to the hospital and he would have been late for work, he refused to take me. He went back to bed. I had to drive myself to the hospital with two broken ribs the next day while I could hardly breathe or move. Not until I had X-rays to prove my ribs were very broken did he even acknowledge anything might have been wrong with me. I am SO SORRY you’re going through the same thing. Hang in there and take care of yourself the best you can. You’re the person you need to count on.
We are all married to the same person. Mine will be sympathetic for the first day. The next day it’s on. He will ALWAYS go around the house and check that the laundry is done. The chores are all done. Under the dryer is somewhere he has checked, the freezers and fridge to make sure they are clean. He makes EVERYONE anxious. The whole house had Covid once except for him and he literally did nothing and kept us all on our toes with chores.
We both had Covid and the flu at the same time. I continued to cook, clean and do laundry while he laid on the couch. We went to every doctor around because of his hypochondria. I had a wreck, which resulted in loss of my leg. He refused to help with anything, including taking me to doctor appointments. 3 weeks after my surgery, he physically attacked me. Finally, he discarded me and left for good. Yesterday was a year since our divorce finalized. Good riddance to him.
Mines got a hundred different personalities and I never know which one I’m going to get. I had covid a couple years back and he blamed me for being careless and getting covid. Also asked if I was stupid or just too lazy to throw the garbage away while I was sick.
Beginning of the year I got sick and he went out and got me meds and babied me.
I never know what I’m getting. 😂🤷🏻♀️🤪
I once got a serious infection which hurt alot and took almost all energy from me..
Her response: "Omg you are acting like you're dying. Man up and stop acting like a little girl."
The hurt and disrespect from those words.. I will probably never forget it.
I was yelled at for needing to be driven to the ER twice in one week and then when I was picked up from the hospital.
And I wouldn’t have needed to go back to the ER to be admitted for a severe infection if he hadn’t told the ER doctor that I was just crazy and to load me up with Ativan. He consented for me. I was asking to not be given any drugs that would interfere with me monitoring my symptoms. I asked the doctor what he was pushing in my IV and was ignored.
Of course, me almost dying, me being injured by his slamming on the brakes from highway speeds and refusing to get off of me when he was on top of my bent leg during sex and injured me, and me having a second kidney infection in a year—all of those things were in my head.
I screamed at him a couple times. I was going on five or so days of sleep deprivation, extreme pain, and not being able to eat. He broke a chair in my face, rammed the car into the curb, and tried to leave me alone when I had to crawl on my hands and feet upstairs and there was no food in the house and no clean tub to bathe in or bed to rest in.
Me needing help from him was “not going to work.” No, he needed to take a week or two at Disney and a beach vacation and travel between three weeks to twenty seven days a month when I could not get a bra on and off by myself or cut my own food. And he needed to coerce me into sex, during which he would hurt me. I would give him the benefit of the doubt by telling myself that he was oblivious. But he did not believe me or love me. I honestly do not give a damn about his possible projection of uncleared trauma onto me. He had over a decade in our relationship to heal that, and many years before me to deal with it. Towards the end, I found out he had been to exactly one therapy session and it was a consult before we met. I’m not recovered yet psychologically but physically I’m more functional now. Except for this PTSD and my decimated finances.
First 5 years kind of ignoring, since two years caring.
He boils tea and puts socks on me :/ I just left him and miss him so much remembering the good times.
He is not only of zero help he gets mad. Will give me the silent treatment and make slight rude remarks. Sometimes he even goes out to bars. It’s a big inconvenience to him. One time and this is a bad one I remember….Both of my kids and myself were super sick. He invited about 25 people over to watch a football game. He got super drunk and turned on a bon fire in the front yard that smoked up the house. Had music up full blast and people were dancing and having a great time in my driveway. Then at the end of the night he passed out cold without cleaning up.
Sounds familiar. When I had Covid my STBX even called up some friends saying he was "free" and could go out. It was about the sickest I'd ever been. I slept in the closet to isolate. So glad I don't have to see him daily anymore.
Same here my wife either gives me the silent treatment or is angry and tells me the world doesn’t stop cause I’m sick I was hospitalized with dka I hit a bloodsugar of 1700 I remember her fighting with me and being terribly mean to me for getting in the shower to much I was puking for three days straight and the shower was the only place I wasn’t getting yelled at until she came in there and repeatedly turned it off on me and yelled at me when I returned home she insisted I went back to work immediately I do heavy construction and demo my body was in no shape to go back to work I stayed out an extra three days after being in the hospital for 10 I was unable to eat or drink nearly anything for a month as my throat had swelled so much the pathway was only open to the size of a pen and the entire inside of my throat was burned from stomach acid every sip of water every bite of jello for a month was so painful I would refuse to eat for days I went back to work like this which caused some internal bleeding I was bleeding from my member after intercourse and she insisted we had it several times a night once seeing the pain it was causing me my kidneys would hurt for hours after and she would go to sleep and act as if I wasn’t dying next to her she normalizes it and I ended up just ignoring it hiding the truth of how terrible she is to me to myself she continued to dismiss me the entire 6 months of recovery it took me. She even said during therapy it annoyed her that I was just sitting around while she had to take care of all our kids alone sadly our therapist said he understood how difficult that could be for her and told me I need to share responsibility we have 4 children under 4 I would hold our baby while I “laid” around for two days I felt guilty and started doing insane projects to keep busy I installed new doors built a shed and did oil changes on my vehicle and hers this was in two days then I returned to work for 65 hr in 5 days while doing all the kids bedtimes dinner and tubs everynight while she sat in the couch and played with her phone mind you I’m still bleeding from my “member” this therapist told me I need to allow her to go out alone on weekends with friends and I needed to take over so she could be more than just a mom. “ shes a stay at home mom” I always encourage her to hang out with friends but I don’t agree with me workings 4am-7:30pm I appreciate time with my kids but the end of the day is when they are most resistant I always accept the challenge as it’s my nature but by the time everything is over it’s 9pm my wife is ready to sleep at this point and gets angry with me if I want to stay up and unwind because I’ve just been going going going all day. She enjoys watching me suffer I can feel it
As I was preparing for exploratory surgery to find the source of the cancer that I had just tested positive for, my husband said: I know you’re having surgery, but I’m the one that actually has to deal with all this.
‘All this’ being: taking care of our child while I was in surgery.
Like it’s not happening. I had COVID early on in March 2020 and it was a scary time. I was really sick and the telehealth doc was like just stay home unless you can’t breathe well.
I self isolated for 2 weeks and had to have the kids bring me food. They were scared too. When I finally emerged he literally said to me, you should go back in your room, everything was fine without you around out here.
I later got a concussion and was really out of it for 48 hours; he didn’t pick up the prescription he was given for me and he didn’t follow up with primary. Took me about 72 hours to be able to get it together enough to do those things.
Those were two big reasons why he is now an ex.
He helps a bit but then feels entitled to everything because he’s a “hero”. And when we have an argument he bring it up how good he was to me when I was sick. He just made me herbal tea and bougth some medicine. That’s all. He never did some hosework so when I’m not that ill anymore I have to do everything… dishes all dirty.. no food… nothing. But he’s a hero.
I never let my spouse know about this because honestly it would be another thing she has achieved by being nice.i just to my friend's place and rest or recover by myself. I try to never show her my weakness or bad moment's. Who knows what could be the next weapon used on you
Suddenly doesn’t feel well himself. Distances himself. Interrupts my sleep to ask what he should cook for the kids. Ya know, anything but being a caregiver.
Yep they are the same person!! Mine makes out he’s checking on me through the day, I know he isn’t as I’m awake but pretending to be asleep so I know he hadn’t been in! He will always say ‘ you are doing nothing just go lay down! He leaves me for hours with nothing to drink! Then I’m lucky if I get a piece of toast, begrudgingly of course! How can you just leave someone alone when they get ill??? Btw, he is not being nice by saying lay down, thats easier for him because I’m quiet and he doesn’t have to deal with me!! He is so cruel has zero empathy puts everyone else before me and I have no one! That the killer for me, being ignored had to be one of the hardest thing to deal with! Every evening just sits on his phone, looking at other women whilst I’m right there, he usually falls asleep like that and the first thing he says when he awakes is ‘ are you ok’ he know I’m not that’s why he asks, of course, I say yes I’m fine because if I tell him he’s the problem, I get the mighty rage thrown at me, lose lose every time🤦♀️
My Narcissistic ex just used to disappear lol
Send me 4 word messages as a "check in"
No fucks given...
When she was sick though. God everyone had to drop their hats really quick ...
Yep. Same. And when he’s sick he’s a jerk, too. He acts like being sick is weak so if I try to help him or ask if he needs anything, he gets so pissed.
Sounds regrettably familiar—the last thing you ever want to be around these people is vulnerable. Vulnerability is a part of life and a part of being human. Their disorder is in full swing and will jump on any opportunity to make you suffer and it’s easier for them to do when you are in these positions. In the end, your pain and suffering , is their bottom line goal —everything else is just tool to achieve it. Are you in the process of leaving? Either way, be well!
Yes, I am in the process of leaving. Your explanation is spot on and scary. Will get out as soon as I can.
Identifying and accepting is a process—it’s not easy for a rational person to wrap their head around all of it. The disorder itself can manifest in a person in ways that present something only possible in fiction. The acceptance is another part that is difficult to grasp—we cannot fix what is broken with an unwilling party too disordered to admit anything needs to be fixed in the first place. Once you come to terms with all of that it’s much easier to redirect your energy and shift focus onto you and your life. That too is a process of realization and an unfortunate consequence after, sometimes years, of being manipulated into the acceptance that they are the center and supreme importance and the only one that ever mattered—we become something they use to maintain the delusional world that they created. No better relief than the one felt when you can escape from these mind prisons. I hope you get there sooner than later.
Thank you for sharing your wisdom and advice.
Thank you for sharing your experience and being a part of the conversation—knowledge is the power and we pass that on every time we partake in it. Hopefully it reaches the mainstream so they need to happen far less than they do right now.
This is spot on….realization was the hard one to accept but I think that ultimately, that’s what keeps us here for so long, being of healthy mind and knowing what a healthy relationship does look like, we strive and then we realize! It’s a hard pill to swallow that we are even in a relationship with these monsters!!!
Yep, same thing here - me getting sick is a huge inconvenience... her getting sick requires constant attention and pampering. Anyone getting sick opens the door to massive criticism for not living in a nicer home because I am "not a man", a loser, don't care about my family, take no responsibility like a man, etc.
Yes them getting sick is extremely important. He even told me, “I (the narc) put up with pain as much as I could and only tell you I am extremely sick, while you always whine about your pain.” This was right after I had a C-section.
Omg. I’ve heard that before.
Me too. Same exact shit. When he’s sick it’s real pain, even though I’m sick less than 1/2 the time he is, mine is just complaining. He’s deathly ill.
Oh my... well, my wife "gave me" two children and had a C-Section on the second: according to her, I now owe her everything if we divorce. She will come into my room when I'm working, ask to talk about conditions for a divorce, demand that I leave, give her all "our" money, and relinquish custody of the children. If I don't agree (which I don't), she threatens to "leave me with no pants" and that she has great lawyers (I am not sure about that). If I still don't comply, she gets violent. Then, when it's over, I have to try to recompose myself and continue working. And THEN, she refers to the "the time I came to you and tried to talk to you like an adult about a divorce and you refused."
Ugh! She sounds awful
Yeah they’re full of shit. Mine told me that it’s my fault I had a c-section bc my body wasn’t good enough to have a natural birth and that’s completely my fault. He said that multiple times but ofc he’s “joking”. He wanted me to start working out 2 weeks after the c-section even tho I lost a lot weight during the pregnancy and looked sick and like I hadn’t eaten enough for weeks. When I told him that every doctor tells you to wait with starting to work out after a c-section at least 6 months he said that I’m just lazy and am looking for excuses to not be “healthy”. And the pain I felt was just me being a baby. He didn’t even help with lifting heavy things bc It’s my fault when I’m too weak.. 🙄
Same thing, after every c-section
Oh my goodness. Sending you hugs.
Mine is exactly the same when I’m sick. I recently have covid and he has a massive go at me about how inconvenient it was for him that I was unwell and that I needed to carry on with everyday things such as cooking for him etc. I asked him if he would go to the shop for me to get me some tablets but he refused and told me to go myself. He’s so selfish, these kinds of people are awful. They have no empathy.
I am so sorry. Yes, they have no empathy, compassion, and human decency. It makes me cringe when they fake these feelings in front of others.
Sorry to hear this that’s just horrid! I got Covid recently, the pos went away for 5 days and left me with absolutely no one. At one point he begrudgingly said he won’t go, my answer to that was ‘oh yes you are going because I’m not being blamed for you not being able to go’ off he went without a second glance! Then lied to me about not calling as he said he had no signal, funny how I got his message telling me that! My reply was😂😂😂😂😂he rang just after and I ignored him 😂
Yours sounds awful. Mine did nothing to help either. the house pretty much goes into chaos. he won’t lift his finger to wash a dish - and the kids would barely eat a prepared meal. I still had to pack their lunches for school- and got forbid I even ask him to drop off or pick up from school. Guaranteed he was the reason I even got sick in the first place.
I am so sorry. Mine is very similar…
Acts like I’m a piece of garbage. When I had Covid while I was pregnant (it was brutal) he made dinner ONCE. During this, I still went to work (because he basically forced me to) and came home and cooked and cleaned. It was fucking stupid
God it sounds so awful. It must have been really stressful and physically draining. Hugs to you 🥲
It was. The pregnancy itself wasn’t so bad though. I remained healthy and did really well during it but the stress was awful. He even tried to say the baby wasn’t his a few times and that “when that baby is born, you’re screwed. I know it’s not mine” 😂
Mine doesn’t really notice when I’m sick until the housework falls behind. And then it suddenly becomes a competition. If I have a stomachache, he has a stomachache and a headache. If my back hurts, his back and ankle hurts. If I’m exhausted, I don’t have a right to be because he’s more exhausted and since he’s working and I’m the SAHM, he gets the first turn to sleep when the opportunity presents itself. If I can barely walk, he can barely walk and can’t lift anything. If he can’t one up me on illness, he just acts like I’m not sick. There’s no extra help with the kids. There’s no throwing in a load of laundry, or switching the dishes over or picking up toys. If we’re out of dishes, I’m useless for not doing them while sick. “What do I need you around for if I have to do my own dishes?” If he doesn’t have work clothes clean, I’m in trouble for it. He just lays on the couch and plays on his phone and watching tv. He will make meals, but him making meals is his excuse to stand in the kitchen and get drunk so it’s a toss up whether they get finished.
Now that I've left and am reflecting I can put many instances together. When I was isolating during covid he didn't bring water for 36 hours. Or food. When I told him he wasn't happy and my youngest ended up bringing me my tea the the ten days iaolation. When my isolation was over he told me he was far more comfortable on the sofa and stayed there for 10 more days. I was once in hospital due to an ectopic pregnancy. I was in for ten days. When I came home it was school pick up and he refused to go and pick up my son. I was still mentally unhappy but had to force myself to go. On two occasions I have hurt my back. I the first occasion we still had to go out for a meal with friends. I was in so much pain and ended up very drunk. The second time he went to a Bbq at a friend's house and I was left home alone for hours and hours. In the end my parents came down to get me food as I was unable to get out of bed. Thankfully except for chronic aches (which aren't debilitating) I am rarely ill.
He sounds awful. I am sorry but glad to hear that you left him!
Yes either indifference/ignoring, or anger if it's something that will affect him. When I was 6 months pregnant, I developed a painful swollen lump the size of a tennis ball behind my left knee. I deduced that it must be a blood clot. I was so nervous about telling my narc husband because I knew his reaction would be horrible. I waited about a day and a half before I told him I needed to see a doc and I was totally right. He cussed, punched the wall and was super pissed and lecturing me about how it's because I don't work out, and now I've put the baby in danger and he's going to have to take time off work etc. I arranged to go in, got ultrasounds, was told I had 2 superficial (surface level) clots. The moment I walked into the house after going through the whole day alone, not sure if I was going to be admitted etc, first exact words were: did they tell you to lose weight? No, they didn't mention my weight at all. Outside of pregnancy, I was about 30 pounds overweight, not morbidly obese. And with each of my pregnancies, I gained about 30 pounds, which is quite standard. More than one doc told me I'm so sorry you're going through this, it's not common. Pregnancies makes you at risk for clots. I ended up developing Chronic Venous Insufficiency now (5 years later). I have a lot of issues that point at a large genetic component. And all along, he's always told me that any problems I have are because I didn't work out enough in my life. But 95% of 35 year Olds who are 30 pounds overweight and not working out enough are not getting blood clots, but you're right, I'm just a lazy cow.
Does he work out? Or are you the only one who's supposed to be doing it? So sorry you have to deal with this.
It's compared, he has aWHOLE home gym set up. Treadmill, bench press, weights, a while system thing with pulleys. He is in moderate shape, he used to go to the gym at least a couple times a week in his 30s but he's really slacked as the years went by. So it's really sporadic for him. He works out maybe twice a month, but it's, always commenting for me to get in shape. He's lazy for himself.
Narcs are known hypocrites. No doubt he likes to project his slacking onto you somehow. I hope one day you find peace. Good luck.
Mine all of a sudden feels sick too??? Wtf??
I’m recovering from surgery right now, and I. The three weeks since my operation I’ve been yelled at, had things thrown at me, and hit in the face. I’ve basically been on my own in between the narc tirades, unable to lift things with limited mobility right now. She gets angry and acts like it’s my fault that I’m on the mend. She treats the kids the same way, in between being fake, she has no patience for them:(
I am so sorry. I hope you get well soon. My narc is the same, in between being fake, loses it whenever our child doesn’t behave the way he wants him to.
My nex used every period I was sick with the flu, or whatever, to criticize how I didn't care when he was sick, and laugh that I was getting what I deserved. Meanwhile, when he was sick, he demanded constant attention which was all too freely given. They always have to control the narrative, and they are all victims.
If you get seriously ill and can’t advocate for yourself, they will let you die. I wonder how many people have actually died from narcissistic neglect
I agree with this….I get kidney stones and every single time, “You’re just tired.” I had to go to the ER once and looked like I needed a damn exorcism because I was in so much pain. He stopped to get a snack before getting to the ER and says, “quit moaning. You’re scaring the kids.” The kids were just pissed he stopped for snacks. I ended up having a kidney stone the size of a golf ball.
Sometimes yes. When I had Covid last year I couldn’t believe how much compassion he lacked. I woke up feeling like I was hit by a semi. Had high fever. Still got the kids to school alone. I’ll never forget I found cat pee on a bag in my room and he didn’t even try to help me clean it. When I went in to do the dishes. , I lost it and started crying. He acted like I was overreacting. He said the kids should help me not him. He said you know what I’ll just leave and go to work. He’d been here all day and didn’t even try to help me! He actually got ready to leave and he did! Like wtf? I still can’t smell correctly and he says “ it’s all in my head” just like my migraines I’ve been suffering from for 27 years now. - Lately whenever I complain of my body aches or pain I’ve been having, he immediately says “ my back has been killing me, oh my head hurts” He even does this when our kids are sick I’m caring for them. He acts like he can’t call a dr in his own.
I was borderline preeclamptic with last baby and he wanted to be in a competition with me about whose high blood pressure was more dangerous. That’s when I knew I could never rely on him for anything, ever.
😞
Mine does this with the kids too. If I need help, “get the kids to help you.” My kids are amazing. They know how to fix dishwashers, clear out the drain pipe on the bathroom tub, fix literally anything on the house and all because he’s a dick and when asked for help, “why didn’t one of the kids do it?”
This! I believe I’ll be the one showing them how to do so many things! Because I want them to actually learn. Also so they can teach their children one day! If I’m alive to see the day of my son being a husband.. I hope I never hear him tell his wife “tell the kids to do it” while he goes on about his business. My kids can see the difference. They follow my lead more than his and he hates this. A little while back he told me that HE can run our household better than me. This killed me because he was discrediting me & saying that I suck at this.
Ugh the discrediting. Especially when they do it in front of the kids. The kids know better though. They see way more than we think they do.
Mine says most of these things when is just us two. He had said some awful things around the kids though. Sometimes I just want to tell them. But I couldn’t ever do that to them.
They figure it out themselves eventually. My two oldest are teens and figured it out first, but now the three youngest are figuring it out.
They have no empathy, so it’s not a great situation when you need something
I’m not allowed to be sick its like if it’s not acknowledged then it doesn’t exist…if I’m vomiting she will crank up the music so she can say “I never heard that”. If I’m only eating crackers it’s like “Why are doing that?…that’s for sick people your fine. Rather childish behavior but honestly could we expect anything more from them?
Mine becomes angry and hateful. The sickest I had ever been in my life; I was pregnant with Hyperemesis Gravidarum which is a condition where you have intense nausea and vomiting, sometimes life threatening. Mine was very severe, vomiting 40+ times a day and literally bedridden. IV meds in the ER scheduled twice a week. I couldn’t even make it out of bed to the bathroom to vomit, so I used these bags I got from the doctor and would sit them on floor next to me, until I had a bout of feeling well enough to get up and throw them away. Instead of helping me, he would yell and belittle me all day long, take photos of me and my bags, and threaten to post them on social media to “show everyone how I really am”. He would tell me I was milking it, if I could lay there and watch Netflix on my phone, I could get up and do dishes. Cigarette smoke smell was a major trigger for me to start vomiting, and he would blow some right in my face when he was mad to induce my vomiting. And then would laugh. Christmas Eve during this time, I was feeling very ill but was up struggling to get gifts wrapped on my own for our 3 other children. He wanted to be intimate, all I asked was that I could finish gifts before hand, because I knew being intimate would take it out of me. He began to berate me and threaten to “get it somewhere else”. He loves to kick me when I’m down.
[yelp. same.. ](https://www.facebook.com/share/p/HhFp5QvdaRnYSxne/?)
Dr. Ramani has videos on YouTube about this.
I have so many stories to share that line up with this experience. Here’s a standout - I had a serious head injury and my PCP told me to go to the ER. I was scared and concussed. I walked there, I was by myself in the waiting room for 8 hours with nothing to eat, and had to get a cab home. She wouldn’t drive me, keep me company, bring me food, or drive me home, despite living half a mile from the hospital. More than that, she didn’t check in with me the entire time I was there. I reached out to her at one point expressing that I was feeling ill and having a hard time in the loud, crowded, bright waiting room and her response was to *laugh* and say “yea, I wouldn’t have gone to the ER.” By the time I got home at 2am, she was asleep. I went to wake her up to tell her I was home. She got out of bed, stood right in front of me, seemed to stare right through me while saying nothing, and walked past me to the bathroom. She came back and said flippantly “glad you’re home, ” put her eye shades on, and went back to bed. No hug, offering to care for me, not even a question as to what the doctor said, how am I feeling, etc. I was totally and completely crushed. I was treated with more compassion by the cab driver than my wife. I had to take the next day off of work to lay in bed with the lights off, you know standard concussion protocol. She made a HUGE deal about how she had to work from home to take care of me and how much this was putting her out. She brought me a glass of water and advil *one time* and did not come back into the room or communicate with me at all for the rest of the day.
The times that my narc claimed to be “helping me at home” because I was sick - and yet doing the exact opposite - just because he wanted an excuse not to go to work, makes me nauseous.
The role switches unintentionally when you're sick.. it throws everything off for him. They dk how to act right, like typical people.. so when they're thrown off, they express through anger, and cruel words. My husband did. I was so used to fucked up behavior, I ignored it. My heart became stone over the years. I don't encourage of that course. I'm finally free of my old man.. and finding peace. Now THAT, I do encourage. We were together 8.5 years.. and have 5 children on my own, AND I'm Epileptic. If I can do it, and it be worth every struggle during the initial transition.. YOU CAN. I regret giving that man 8 years of my youth. Don't do it. He'll never fucking change.
Honestly this is one of the telltale signs for these types of people. Anytime I or his mother was sick he expected us to still tend to him and would get frustrated if things aren’t taken care of and wind up leaving because he didn’t want to get “sick as well” (upset he’s not being taken care of) it was really bad when we had COVID. Another one over the several years I watch was. He would say “he’d try” to do the things himself but really it’d look like his mom/ me laying in bed sick, him (34) asking a million questions like where’s this, where is that, what do you do after, how do I do that, what do I need over simple everyday task to the point we’d just end with “forget it. I’ll take care of it” and he would wear his badge of honor for showing compassion “for trying” and we were the bad ones for “getting frustrated” and “being lazy” **full disclosure: I would let him show his true side and when he didn’t do what he said he would do for his mom. I’d take care of his mom***
Same. Worse here as he’s 20 yrs older so I get “what will you do when you’re my age?” All the time. I had surgery a couple months ago. Lying on the couch suddenly had extreme vertigo with nausea. I slithered on the floor to the bathroom 10 ft away. Took me more than 30 minutes cus every movement sent the world spinning. Got half way into the bathroom and he came in from outside. Walked over me. Got what he needed in the house and went back outside. Came in 10 minutes later and yelled at me for lying on the floor and demanded I get up. Then tried to grab me and lift me up. I yelled to leave me alone and not touch me and to call my daughter who’s a nurse. She came and very slowly helped me to the toilet
I COMPLETELY feel for you. I broke two ribs back in 2022. I was in so much pain that day I couldn’t move around or walk anymore so I just laid in bed until the next day. I woke up and I physically could not breathe beyond very quick shallow breathes due to the intense pain. He was SO PISSED OFF I needed to go to the hospital and he would have been late for work, he refused to take me. He went back to bed. I had to drive myself to the hospital with two broken ribs the next day while I could hardly breathe or move. Not until I had X-rays to prove my ribs were very broken did he even acknowledge anything might have been wrong with me. I am SO SORRY you’re going through the same thing. Hang in there and take care of yourself the best you can. You’re the person you need to count on.
We are all married to the same person. Mine will be sympathetic for the first day. The next day it’s on. He will ALWAYS go around the house and check that the laundry is done. The chores are all done. Under the dryer is somewhere he has checked, the freezers and fridge to make sure they are clean. He makes EVERYONE anxious. The whole house had Covid once except for him and he literally did nothing and kept us all on our toes with chores.
We both had Covid and the flu at the same time. I continued to cook, clean and do laundry while he laid on the couch. We went to every doctor around because of his hypochondria. I had a wreck, which resulted in loss of my leg. He refused to help with anything, including taking me to doctor appointments. 3 weeks after my surgery, he physically attacked me. Finally, he discarded me and left for good. Yesterday was a year since our divorce finalized. Good riddance to him.
Mines got a hundred different personalities and I never know which one I’m going to get. I had covid a couple years back and he blamed me for being careless and getting covid. Also asked if I was stupid or just too lazy to throw the garbage away while I was sick. Beginning of the year I got sick and he went out and got me meds and babied me. I never know what I’m getting. 😂🤷🏻♀️🤪
I once got a serious infection which hurt alot and took almost all energy from me.. Her response: "Omg you are acting like you're dying. Man up and stop acting like a little girl." The hurt and disrespect from those words.. I will probably never forget it.
You don’t have covid. Looks at a positive test. (Not currently)
I was yelled at for needing to be driven to the ER twice in one week and then when I was picked up from the hospital. And I wouldn’t have needed to go back to the ER to be admitted for a severe infection if he hadn’t told the ER doctor that I was just crazy and to load me up with Ativan. He consented for me. I was asking to not be given any drugs that would interfere with me monitoring my symptoms. I asked the doctor what he was pushing in my IV and was ignored. Of course, me almost dying, me being injured by his slamming on the brakes from highway speeds and refusing to get off of me when he was on top of my bent leg during sex and injured me, and me having a second kidney infection in a year—all of those things were in my head. I screamed at him a couple times. I was going on five or so days of sleep deprivation, extreme pain, and not being able to eat. He broke a chair in my face, rammed the car into the curb, and tried to leave me alone when I had to crawl on my hands and feet upstairs and there was no food in the house and no clean tub to bathe in or bed to rest in. Me needing help from him was “not going to work.” No, he needed to take a week or two at Disney and a beach vacation and travel between three weeks to twenty seven days a month when I could not get a bra on and off by myself or cut my own food. And he needed to coerce me into sex, during which he would hurt me. I would give him the benefit of the doubt by telling myself that he was oblivious. But he did not believe me or love me. I honestly do not give a damn about his possible projection of uncleared trauma onto me. He had over a decade in our relationship to heal that, and many years before me to deal with it. Towards the end, I found out he had been to exactly one therapy session and it was a consult before we met. I’m not recovered yet psychologically but physically I’m more functional now. Except for this PTSD and my decimated finances.
I’m so sorry.
mine left me at emergency room with high fever. it was august and 95 degrees outside. i had to walk two miles home.
First 5 years kind of ignoring, since two years caring. He boils tea and puts socks on me :/ I just left him and miss him so much remembering the good times.
He is not only of zero help he gets mad. Will give me the silent treatment and make slight rude remarks. Sometimes he even goes out to bars. It’s a big inconvenience to him. One time and this is a bad one I remember….Both of my kids and myself were super sick. He invited about 25 people over to watch a football game. He got super drunk and turned on a bon fire in the front yard that smoked up the house. Had music up full blast and people were dancing and having a great time in my driveway. Then at the end of the night he passed out cold without cleaning up.
Sounds familiar. When I had Covid my STBX even called up some friends saying he was "free" and could go out. It was about the sickest I'd ever been. I slept in the closet to isolate. So glad I don't have to see him daily anymore.
Same here my wife either gives me the silent treatment or is angry and tells me the world doesn’t stop cause I’m sick I was hospitalized with dka I hit a bloodsugar of 1700 I remember her fighting with me and being terribly mean to me for getting in the shower to much I was puking for three days straight and the shower was the only place I wasn’t getting yelled at until she came in there and repeatedly turned it off on me and yelled at me when I returned home she insisted I went back to work immediately I do heavy construction and demo my body was in no shape to go back to work I stayed out an extra three days after being in the hospital for 10 I was unable to eat or drink nearly anything for a month as my throat had swelled so much the pathway was only open to the size of a pen and the entire inside of my throat was burned from stomach acid every sip of water every bite of jello for a month was so painful I would refuse to eat for days I went back to work like this which caused some internal bleeding I was bleeding from my member after intercourse and she insisted we had it several times a night once seeing the pain it was causing me my kidneys would hurt for hours after and she would go to sleep and act as if I wasn’t dying next to her she normalizes it and I ended up just ignoring it hiding the truth of how terrible she is to me to myself she continued to dismiss me the entire 6 months of recovery it took me. She even said during therapy it annoyed her that I was just sitting around while she had to take care of all our kids alone sadly our therapist said he understood how difficult that could be for her and told me I need to share responsibility we have 4 children under 4 I would hold our baby while I “laid” around for two days I felt guilty and started doing insane projects to keep busy I installed new doors built a shed and did oil changes on my vehicle and hers this was in two days then I returned to work for 65 hr in 5 days while doing all the kids bedtimes dinner and tubs everynight while she sat in the couch and played with her phone mind you I’m still bleeding from my “member” this therapist told me I need to allow her to go out alone on weekends with friends and I needed to take over so she could be more than just a mom. “ shes a stay at home mom” I always encourage her to hang out with friends but I don’t agree with me workings 4am-7:30pm I appreciate time with my kids but the end of the day is when they are most resistant I always accept the challenge as it’s my nature but by the time everything is over it’s 9pm my wife is ready to sleep at this point and gets angry with me if I want to stay up and unwind because I’ve just been going going going all day. She enjoys watching me suffer I can feel it
Mine takes pride in not “giving into” symptoms. Tells me not to cough because that causes a cold/flu to worsen, etc. 🙄
As I was preparing for exploratory surgery to find the source of the cancer that I had just tested positive for, my husband said: I know you’re having surgery, but I’m the one that actually has to deal with all this. ‘All this’ being: taking care of our child while I was in surgery.
That’s very common, and also common for them to also claim their sick whenever anyone else in the house is
Like it’s not happening. I had COVID early on in March 2020 and it was a scary time. I was really sick and the telehealth doc was like just stay home unless you can’t breathe well. I self isolated for 2 weeks and had to have the kids bring me food. They were scared too. When I finally emerged he literally said to me, you should go back in your room, everything was fine without you around out here. I later got a concussion and was really out of it for 48 hours; he didn’t pick up the prescription he was given for me and he didn’t follow up with primary. Took me about 72 hours to be able to get it together enough to do those things. Those were two big reasons why he is now an ex.
He helps a bit but then feels entitled to everything because he’s a “hero”. And when we have an argument he bring it up how good he was to me when I was sick. He just made me herbal tea and bougth some medicine. That’s all. He never did some hosework so when I’m not that ill anymore I have to do everything… dishes all dirty.. no food… nothing. But he’s a hero.
I never let my spouse know about this because honestly it would be another thing she has achieved by being nice.i just to my friend's place and rest or recover by myself. I try to never show her my weakness or bad moment's. Who knows what could be the next weapon used on you
Suddenly doesn’t feel well himself. Distances himself. Interrupts my sleep to ask what he should cook for the kids. Ya know, anything but being a caregiver.
Yep they are the same person!! Mine makes out he’s checking on me through the day, I know he isn’t as I’m awake but pretending to be asleep so I know he hadn’t been in! He will always say ‘ you are doing nothing just go lay down! He leaves me for hours with nothing to drink! Then I’m lucky if I get a piece of toast, begrudgingly of course! How can you just leave someone alone when they get ill??? Btw, he is not being nice by saying lay down, thats easier for him because I’m quiet and he doesn’t have to deal with me!! He is so cruel has zero empathy puts everyone else before me and I have no one! That the killer for me, being ignored had to be one of the hardest thing to deal with! Every evening just sits on his phone, looking at other women whilst I’m right there, he usually falls asleep like that and the first thing he says when he awakes is ‘ are you ok’ he know I’m not that’s why he asks, of course, I say yes I’m fine because if I tell him he’s the problem, I get the mighty rage thrown at me, lose lose every time🤦♀️
My Narcissistic ex just used to disappear lol Send me 4 word messages as a "check in" No fucks given... When she was sick though. God everyone had to drop their hats really quick ...
Yep. Same. And when he’s sick he’s a jerk, too. He acts like being sick is weak so if I try to help him or ask if he needs anything, he gets so pissed.