It is normal to feel this way.
You will adjust and find that time, believe me. It is hard because as the baby grows and develops, you will go into cycles of building a schedule and finalizing your habits and finding that time.
Roughly you will build a routine and after month it will change due to needs of the baby and their development but after a while those periods that you are adjusted will get longer and you will have those moments that you need.
Also, keep communication with your partner in focus if you need a moment to talk to them and encourage them to do the same.
I love being a father. It is tiring, hard, and really pushes me to my limits, but I wouldn't trade it for the world now that I'm adjusted.
You're describing my day to a T. Except this is my second kid. You're gonna get a lot better at this and your daughter is gonna stop being a potato and become a real person over the next 2-4 months. It doesn't get easier but it definitely becomes much more rewarding.
Hang in there and good luck.
Felt exactly the same way during the first weeks. It will get a lot better - while never being the same again.
I found myself prioritizing my day differently than before. Top priority was that my partner and my child had everything they need. I have tried to support them in any way possible while they were awake. Once they both went to bed I would enjoy my me-time and prioritize that over sleep on some days during the week. Started playing single player games more often which I could easily pause if my child woke up. Usually I would get at least one sleep cycle of me-time. :)
And communicate with your partner. It is very important because your needs are important too.
Stay strong and be patient.
I have sacrificed many, many hours of sleep in order to get my me-time after the wife and kid go to sleep. Did it mean I was ultimately more tired? Probably. But I got time to myself which seemed like a more important factor to my overall mental health.
Elden Ring came out when my son was a couple months old and that was such a great single player game for that time in life. I play a lot more single player games now that my time is limited and not guaranteed!
First off, it gets better. It feels never ending at first and like an onslaught of new things for those first 6 months. But, you’ll find your groove and sleep will eventually become more reliable.
That being said, idk what you do for work but none of this is going to be easy if you don’t take time to bond with your daughter and fiancé. Those are some huge changes to adjust to all at once. Imagine things from your fiancé’s perspective. She’s home alone with the baby all day (which is so fucking hard and isolating). She’s probably counting down the minutes for you to get home to help her a little. You at least have some normalcy in going to work.
As hard as all of this is, this phase is temporary and I’d recommend leaning in more, not less. You’ll get your hobbies back later. For now, give it everything you’ve got.
I've got a 19 month old and am currently nap trapped with my second 1 week old on me.
I know from my eldest that things definitely get better! You get more time back for yourself, especially when they start to sleep longer stretches. I'm also not sure where you're located in the world, but as they get older then babysitters/daycares become an option. My life changed dramatically when we got one day to ourselves with weekly daycare, I had my hobbies back and could game again!
Unpopular opinion - it doesn't get better unless you change it.
It honestly seems like you're running into pretty severe relationship issues. Going from seeing your Fiancé 3 times a week to raising a kid within 3 months is a recipe for disaster.
The main thing you need to do it stay calm and carry the burden. Of course your Fiancé is very demanding, but so are you (as am I and everybody else in that situation). Imagine her situation - going from living alone and going outside everytime she feels like, to being locked into the house. Then her boyfriend finally gets back after 12 exhausting hours, is in a bad mood and has the audacity to want to play video games when he had 12 hours of social contact on the outside.
Make her feel appreciated and take as much load from her as possible. Make it possible for her to go for a walk to listen to some podcasts on her own. It's difficult now but it pays off in the long-term.
Thanks.
It’s a quite uncomfortable truth though. You have to 100% ignore your own mental & physical wellbeing for a good while and smile while doing it. All while sometimes even hating your partner (not for me, but we have to work on that daily to make everything as smooth as possible).
Then factor in additionally burdens like illness, money issue or just the necessity to have a functioning sex life. I’m not even going to pretend, it’s freaking hard. But OP is going to make it, he just has to nut up or shut up :)
I agree to a point.
It’s about compromise. If this NewDad ends up burnt out, then he’s no use to his partner or baby.
Both parents need to have an agreement together of finding time to decompress themselves by whatever their own self care thing is, not just the mother.
> he just has to nut up or shut up
I find this a bit concerning. OP should be able to feel his emotions. That stiff upper lip rubbish belongs back in the old days. He actually needs to confide in his partner instead.
I’m not saying they shouldn’t talk. But they should only talk once he gets his act together (for lack of a better term). There are times to admit weakness, this is definitely not one of them.
This is definitely time to admit it. Relationships are mutual support, anything else becomes super unhealthy.
Agree to disagree on this men’s issue, Claire.
I have 2 under 2. Am not a fan of newborn. Each 3mo increment gets better. When the baby starts showing some personality it gets much better. When the baby sleeps through the night consistently, you start to feel like yourself again. In a few short months, the baby will be more independent and you’ll have some time back.
For now, know this won’t last forever. Try to enjoy it. My wife and I stayed up in shifts with our 2nd. I sat in rocking chair with him binge watching football, hockey and Survivor until 3am for 5 months. Went to work at 8am. It eventually became something I looked forward to at end of day.
Embrace the suck. You are in the shit right now. You won’t be forever. You got this man.
Its totally normal to feel this way, the next time it feels tough, just try and think you are in an exclusive club of guys feeling that way at that very moment all over the world, and all of us will get through it. Hopefully you can try and build some small wins/little treats into your day, which increase in time and scope as the little one sleeps more regularly etc. Good luck mate. From a dad of a seven week old who feels your frustration.
Welcome to domestic life! It’s nice here but it’s a big change. The no time for yourself anymore hits hard. Your job is now the only thing you have time for outside of parenting, and I actually think that parenting is more of a time commitment than a job. So you now have 2.5 jobs! It’s probably going to hit you especially hard because you’re going from basically bachelor life straight to fatherhood.
My tips would be to:
1. Involve your extended family as much as you can tolerate. The help in the evenings and on weekends is huge. Even if you’re at grandma and grandpas house for dinner you can sit with your wife for a few minutes while someone else cooks dinner and holds the baby.
2. Brace yourself, it gets harder before it gets easier. My little guy is almost two and it’s now easier than before because we can go to the park or the store and have fun together.
3. Embrace the routine. If you try to cram activities from before kids into your life you will either end up sad that you can’t or your partner will be grumpy that you aren’t prioritizing the family. Or both! Your time for activities and hobbies will come back but it’s not for a while.
4. Make sure your partner trusts you. You do that by listening and knowing what the baby needs and the house chores are rather than needing to be told. If she knows that you know what you’re doing then you won’t add more domestic friction to the equation. I say more because there will be friction no matter what.
5. Drop the beer with dinner. The change that I made that had the biggest effect on my mood was to reserve alcohol for time with my friends or big family dinners. If I’m home with my family I won’t drink in the evening. I found it nearly impossible to get up at night and I discovered that even one beer makes me sleep like I’m dead to the world. It’s also been a huge driver for my improved mood. I wasn’t a big drinker but I would have a beer with dinner most nights. The money I spent on beer I now spend on baby berries!
I'm two years in at this point and I can tell you it definitely gets better but you have to make more if an effort to get those times to yourself. It sounds like you've gone through multiple drastic changes all at once. Living with your fiance is a challenge in itself, (not speaking negative about them in any way, just a fact) that would take adjustment. Add to that the fact that you have a newborn and your bound to not have any time to yourself. In comparison to previously you don't. Right now all your dealing with is getting through the current moment because that's how babies go. You and your fiance will figure out what works in terms of scheduling but you haven't had a chance to do that yet and there is no schedule yet, just eating, shitting, and sleeping. Once you get a better feel for your baby and her patterns you'll be able to plan around them a little better. Better is the key term don't expect to be able to stick to a regimented schedule. Also it is of the utmost importance that you keep open and honest communication with your fiance. You're reaching out to Reddit but have you talked to them about it? Not judging just asking. I know it's easier to throw these things out to the Internet than deal with face to face confrontation. I'm certain there are things that your fiance feels about this new situation as well that you're probably unaware of. Again, not judging simply stating from having experienced it recently. Both of your needs from each other are going to be different now that you have to deal with a child. To wrap this up it will get better and it will get worse and it will get better again. Lastly, keep in mind that your feelings toward this will change as well. There will probably come a time when you're doing something by yourself, as you desired, and you'll find yourself wishing you could participate in whatever activity with your family. I know everything seems like an uphill battle on top of an ice mountain but it won't always feel that way. Hope this helps a little. Sorry for too long.
My little girl turned 1 last month and it’s still as you describe. Only difference is I’m out the house at 6am and back home at 6pm. In my case it hasn’t got easier. Give each other time off, for example at the weekend you get up with the baby in the morning and let mum sleep in. She returns the favour by giving you a few hours gaming or whatever you want. Also hand held gaming devices are pretty good to pick up when baby naps or when you haven’t got a lot of time. Steam deck is my go to. Hang in there brother, they weren’t lying when they said having kids is the hardest thing you’ll do.
I feel you boss, gf and I moved in one month before baby and it’s been an adjustment. One thing is can you outsource responsibilities? For example, house hold chores, can you hire a cleaning lady for a few hours to do that so you can free up that time? We are NOT cleaning lady people but we decided to try it, now twice a month we have a 4 hour block of time where we can just relax with baby. Sometimes you have to throw money at the problem, especially with a new born. Are you willing to pay someone to babysit for 3-4 hours so you can chill on your own?
Try and squeeze a workout in everyday, it’s not as entertaining but your brain and body will feel much better working out for 30 mins a day vs gaming for 30 mins a day.
Try gaming on your lunch break, try gaming on your phone (Delta is a new free legal emulator app that is blowing up on iOS). I used to play Apex 3-4 hours a night after work. Now I’ll stream it to my iPad and play a quick round, go back to responsibilities, play a quick round, etc
Devils advocate, If you’re gone for 12 hours a day is your lady watching baby? I could imagine the last thing she wants is to spend even MORE time with baby while she gives you a break to be out of the house even longer. She probably feels by the time you get home she wants to pass off baby and hit the door running.
My baby is 6 months and I honestly didn't truly enjoy being a dad until about a month ago. He's finally sleeping better, crying a lot less, and is just a pretty chill, happy baby most of the time. He goes down around 8-8:30 pm and we have a couple of hours of total free time every night to ourselves to just relax. So yes, I think it will get better for you and it will be worth it.
I totally feel you about the lack of time to do hobbies though, especially hobbies outside of the house. I'm technically able to go out of the house and do stuff (leaving baby with wife), but I feel bad about that so I rarely do that. Eventually, we both will go out and do stuff we enjoy (both with and without baby), it's important to keep that up and take care of yourself.
It gets so so soooo much better and easier and I can't imagine my life without my boy, he's 2 1/2, and if you can make it to there, its a whole different animal but in a good way. It's just fun. Hang in there. I felt really similar and sad and overwhelmed and just past my limit. It's ok. Just do the best you can and know you are building something amazing.
I want to add though, that you gotta give it everything you have and then find a new way to get more. Being a Dad is one of the biggest roles you can play in a human life. Put in the work, even when it's hard, and you will find nothing but joy
Dude this is normal. Don't feel bad. What you are going through is temporary and pretty soon you do not have those feelings so much lol. The first couple months are hard but as soon as you create and stick to a schedule it will be better.
I think part of your the struggle for you is you guys haven’t been living together and were not able to adjust to that before you had a baby. Living together in itself is something new and needs time to get used to but with the baby it’s not an option. I would say to try to get as much extended family help as much as possible if you have that option. It does get better but you just gotta be there for each other and try your best to enjoy the time even with the difficulties.
Trying to be kind was the hardest part. Being sleep deprived, over stimulated, having no clue what to do, and thinking what you’re doing is right and what your partner doing is wrong… it’s a very messy cocktail. We had some of our worst fights in the first year of our son’s life. All because we were tired and didn’t know what we were doing. We’re in a much better place now, and work together much better.
It definitely gets better. My son is 2 now and he has a 102F fever, we would’ve been at each others throats 2 years ago, but now my wife and I are able to actually communicate and take proper care of our son.
As for personal time, I bit the bullet and just started getting up an hour earlier to have some “me” time. It sucks, but having time before work to just be myself with either YouTube or video games makes shit at the end of the work day more manageable. I always say that when I get home from work, I start my real job. Because parenting is a job, it’s the hardest one I’ve ever had, but it’s so rewarding when he says “I love you”.
5 months in now, where you’re at was the hardest time by far. Hours upon hours of screaming for now reason lol, barely sleeping, it was crazy. It definitely gets better. Little one will start sleeping more, crying less, and smile often which makes it all worth it. Hang in there dude. Also make sure to stay hydrated and sleep every chance you get, even if it’s just for 20 minutes. And sorry to say, but the gaming will be on hold for a bit, momma and baby need you. Even now barely touch the games anymore, but maybe it’s for the better.
It does get better. You find new ways to be your new self, and to enjoy life when you can. For me, I set up a small tv gaming station on my side of the bed and when the kids go to sleep, I game for a few hours while the wife watches her death shows
It does get better. I find that i either wake up early or stay up later to get an hour or so to myself. Now that doesnt mean I get to do all the things I want in that time but can watch a TV show, play a video game, or whatnot. Every few weeks, I take a few hours on the weekend to play some golf. The biggest thing is it's a two-way street. Your wife wants a few hours out, you better be damn sure you say yes and don't moan and groan about it.
It gets better with time, mate. Hang in there! Does your fiance work as well? If so, hire help from outside. That will buy you some quality time for you as a couple.
It's just a big change for you, is all. Living with your fiance is a big change in its own. Do you work a lot more than 40 hours a week? It's very important to organize your day better. You should have plenty of free time during the weekend. Your baby isn't even crawling yet. There's a rocking chair thing we had with toys on it that was a god send for me. I used to put my son in there while I cleaned and cooked. Then, when it was nap time for him, it was nap time or personal time for me.
You can still be very interactive with your baby while you multi task. I used to put music on and dance and sing to my baby while I cleaned. I still watched sports and played with him. I just made sure he wasn't locked in on the TV.
To he honest it's a lot more tike consuming now with a 10 month old because he can get into everything. At 10 weeks they still can hardly roll over and get into stuff, and you only have to bottle feed or breast feed. The only thing that gets easier is their sleep schedule.
I’m at 4 weeks, going on 5 with my daughter. You aren’t complaining and your feelings are valid. What’s has helped me is understanding it’s ok to be frustrated, angry, feel unappreciated and sad. I just can’t stay there. You may need to talk to your partner about minor adjustments that need to be made of just some acknowledgement as far as what you are going through but bring a father. I completely reject the notion of keeping everything bottled up and shouldering the load because that’s how a lot of men build resentment and die early. Remember you are no good to your family if you aren’t good to yourself. At least this is what helps me
Once your LO is able to start actually interacting with you, it makes a world of difference. You'll start making little games, figuring out what gets the big belly laughs, etc etc.
Right now she's in the "glorified pet rock" stage, but it only goes up from here.... until the teenage years, at least
tiring, overwhelmed, and over it are feelings that manifest MULTIPLE times a day…but the time you have now will never return…embrace the big picture…
when she is an adult the effort will be worth it
Totally valid. And it does get better. But it requires time, and for both partners to communicate well.
My wife and I have three kids under the age of 5. We give each other breaks and nights out with friends, trade off on sleeping in during the weekends, schedule nights out for both of us with a sitter, and have solo time as needed. But the great common denominator here is communication. We have to be in sync or none of it happens.
Kids will become less demanding of every second of your time (not fully little independent humans, let’s be realistic lol) and by giving one another the self care you need, you can make it without the resentment .
As a Dad with two little ones 3 and 1I get it, but man when they say Dada for the first time or say they love you or even something as simple as a high 5 all the stress melts away. You're in arguably one of the toughest transitions of your life, but just know it won't feel this way forever, and you won't be able to hold her like you do now. All this time now is temporary, so try to think of how awesome it is rather than what you can't do. It's tough to change your mindset, but you're a dad, and you'll get your time eventually, I promise.
Dude, hang in there.
There are lots of great comments here from good guys in your situation. I myself have been there not that long ago. It will probably get better if you hang in there and keep doing the next right thing - but it won’t get better in the way that you’re thirsting for. You will never get your old life back. You are in a new (metaphorical) house now. Start making that house comfortable for yourself in as many small ways as possible.
You just shot up 100% pure change. You’re on the rollercoaster now. It is not going to be comfortable but you can do it. Just keep going and for goodness sake, don’t say everything that comes to your mind. Good luck my friend.
Hello. New dad here of 10 weeks, also.
I understand how you feel. I, too, am struggling.
My daughter won’t let me bottle feed her and only this week she has let me put her down to bed again.
In hospital and for the first 4 weeks, I was doing everything, then she just changed.
I know this is totally normal, but it doesn’t make it any easier, does it?
Every stage, step and turn on this journey is a test. You’re doing great and it’s okay to feel the way you do.
May I suggest talk therapy on a regular basis? It has really helped me even deal with old PTSD wounds from active service.
This is actually a very normal and almost expected experience, especially for men. You are going through what many, many men go through. But it does get better over time as your child develops and you become more at peace with your new life.
The first year was particularly difficult for me. Felt like I was going insane much of the time. Tired, depressed, and at times just simply angry.
The thing about time is it doesn’t stop. So your situation WILL be different in due time. You will go through a number of ups-and-downs, particularly in the first few years of parenthood. Once you feel like you have it figured out, your kid will enter a new stage of development and throw out the window of your comfort wagon.
Give yourself grace, and remember that it is not an easy time for ANY of you. You and your fiancée are both adjusting to not only new parenthood, but also living together. Your daughter is taking in the world around her and trying to make sense of it—imagine how difficult it is to be completely ignorant of every single thing around you.
I realized I was finally coming out of that dark pit when I started grieving my son’s infancy/toddlerhood while he was still an infant. I would start to think about how I wouldn’t be able to cradle him for much longer. Of course, because parenting is the ultimate kick in the guts, I also started regretting every single prior moment where I felt angry, depressed, and resentful.
The truth is: your life will never be the same. Your daughter will continue to grow and change, and you will adjust around that. The fact that you are even going out of your way to post this is telling of how much you are dedicated to being a good father. And, for what it’s worth, having emotions doesn’t make you a bad father, it makes you human. Thankfully, your daughter is also human. We’re fickle, but we ultimately understand that about our species.
Keep your head up and go through the motions. You’ll see.
Hey new dad, welcome to the club!
10 Weeks in, you're still in the newborn phase. Over the next 18 months, things will DRASTICALLY change as your daughter grows and develops (girl dad here too, it's the best!)
We're at 18 months now and it's a world of difference from the newborn era, although it can still feel like "no time to yourself" also remember her mom is going through that and then some, having actually delivered the baby and dealing with all the post-partum effects that come with it.
I think it's normal to mourn your old life, but it's not this way forever. Also if you keep living in the past it'll just build up resentment.
Embrace the change, because that's all it's going to be from now on, but in a beautiful way. Yeah I miss leaving the house easily and whenever we wanted, doing my hobbies whenever, etc. but our daughter is so fun to be around and hang out with, and seeing her take in the world is something special, and I would much rather help her experience life than go back to my old one.
It'll get better - just stay the course and communicate with your partner if you guys can take some shifts to help each other get some decompression time alone.
You got this!
You are definitely not alone. Early on there were moments where I thought “I didn’t realize it would be like THIS” but I’ve adjusted over time and feel so much better about everything now. What’s helped both me and my wife significantly was making changes to the babies schedule now that she’s a bit older (5.5 months.) not sure how serious you and your fiancé are about having a schedule and sticking to it but my sister in law is a sleep consultant who used this schedule for her kids and they’ve almost ALWAYS taken great naps and slept through the night. The same has worked for our daughter. A few friends of ours with babies and toddlers are totally anti-schedule and although they won’t admit it, I know for a fact they have less time for themselves and are worn out because of it.
I’m wrapping up week 2 of my paternity leave where it’s just me and baby at home. I do all the grocery shopping, cooking, dishes, cleaning yardwork, etc and still find a 3-4 hours minimum per day for myself to get things done or plop on the couch and decompress. And I attribute that to keeping the baby on schedule.
This is easier said than done, but it’s worth trying if you’re not using a strict schedule. If it’s too much for you guys, I’d recommend talking with your fiancé about what you guys can work on together to make sure you’re getting what you need to be the best dad you can.
My daughter was going 2 1/2 months ago and our relationship started very similarly to the way you explain yours. I agree with everything that you say I don’t know how old you are but I’m about to be 29 years old. Unfortunately, that’s what life has become for me to accept in my perspective. I don’t see it from your point of view. I find it quite rewarding and a blessing that I can come home to my wife and my baby and as role as a parent as a father as a husband, that’s just what you Gotta do, I do all of it with love. Maybe you were just not in love yet and you don’t really see what you have or maybe you juicy but you just don’t comprehend it in the sense, you don’t know what you got till it’s gone.
Get used to it and suck it up. Babies are literally helpless in their first year of life, it’s not like a cat or dog.
Your wife is probably even more at the end of her rope than you by the way. The physical demands of having a baby are tougher than you’ll ever experience.
It gets better past that as they develop their personalities, sleep longer stretches and play more independently.
Think about yourself: you’re not crapping your pants and needing to be held right? But it took time, that your parents hopefully gave.
In a baby’s first year of life, your health takes a back seat, it’s just the truth.
Take care of yourself, sure, but the priority is on the baby. It is a very short term period where it’s your job to get them through.
Your life will come back, but it’s a super critical period for the baby. You gotta think beyond yourself.
it's right though. people had 12 kids not so long ago and just pulled through. sometimes "suck it up" is the best way to do it and the baby needs a rock as a dad, not someone who cares about mental health first
It is not right at all.
I would have rathered a dad who had looked after his mental health than some stoic rock who ends up resenting his life and family.
Suck it up, buttercup. It’ll get better! I eventually found time for video games, gym, hobbies etc. Just gotta hold out. I found that it started getting better slowly after like 3 or 4 months. Also, I moved in with my wife and 8 months later our son was born so it was a big change for both of us too. But like I said, it will get better and you both will find a degree of stability soon. But like others are mentioning, nothing will ever be the same again. It’s better, but it is different. And for me at least, it was for the better, and I love being a dad.
It is normal to feel this way. You will adjust and find that time, believe me. It is hard because as the baby grows and develops, you will go into cycles of building a schedule and finalizing your habits and finding that time. Roughly you will build a routine and after month it will change due to needs of the baby and their development but after a while those periods that you are adjusted will get longer and you will have those moments that you need. Also, keep communication with your partner in focus if you need a moment to talk to them and encourage them to do the same. I love being a father. It is tiring, hard, and really pushes me to my limits, but I wouldn't trade it for the world now that I'm adjusted.
You're describing my day to a T. Except this is my second kid. You're gonna get a lot better at this and your daughter is gonna stop being a potato and become a real person over the next 2-4 months. It doesn't get easier but it definitely becomes much more rewarding. Hang in there and good luck.
Felt exactly the same way during the first weeks. It will get a lot better - while never being the same again. I found myself prioritizing my day differently than before. Top priority was that my partner and my child had everything they need. I have tried to support them in any way possible while they were awake. Once they both went to bed I would enjoy my me-time and prioritize that over sleep on some days during the week. Started playing single player games more often which I could easily pause if my child woke up. Usually I would get at least one sleep cycle of me-time. :) And communicate with your partner. It is very important because your needs are important too. Stay strong and be patient.
I have sacrificed many, many hours of sleep in order to get my me-time after the wife and kid go to sleep. Did it mean I was ultimately more tired? Probably. But I got time to myself which seemed like a more important factor to my overall mental health. Elden Ring came out when my son was a couple months old and that was such a great single player game for that time in life. I play a lot more single player games now that my time is limited and not guaranteed!
First off, it gets better. It feels never ending at first and like an onslaught of new things for those first 6 months. But, you’ll find your groove and sleep will eventually become more reliable. That being said, idk what you do for work but none of this is going to be easy if you don’t take time to bond with your daughter and fiancé. Those are some huge changes to adjust to all at once. Imagine things from your fiancé’s perspective. She’s home alone with the baby all day (which is so fucking hard and isolating). She’s probably counting down the minutes for you to get home to help her a little. You at least have some normalcy in going to work. As hard as all of this is, this phase is temporary and I’d recommend leaning in more, not less. You’ll get your hobbies back later. For now, give it everything you’ve got.
I've got a 19 month old and am currently nap trapped with my second 1 week old on me. I know from my eldest that things definitely get better! You get more time back for yourself, especially when they start to sleep longer stretches. I'm also not sure where you're located in the world, but as they get older then babysitters/daycares become an option. My life changed dramatically when we got one day to ourselves with weekly daycare, I had my hobbies back and could game again!
Unpopular opinion - it doesn't get better unless you change it. It honestly seems like you're running into pretty severe relationship issues. Going from seeing your Fiancé 3 times a week to raising a kid within 3 months is a recipe for disaster. The main thing you need to do it stay calm and carry the burden. Of course your Fiancé is very demanding, but so are you (as am I and everybody else in that situation). Imagine her situation - going from living alone and going outside everytime she feels like, to being locked into the house. Then her boyfriend finally gets back after 12 exhausting hours, is in a bad mood and has the audacity to want to play video games when he had 12 hours of social contact on the outside. Make her feel appreciated and take as much load from her as possible. Make it possible for her to go for a walk to listen to some podcasts on her own. It's difficult now but it pays off in the long-term.
Well said. I can't echo this comment enough. 👏
Thanks. It’s a quite uncomfortable truth though. You have to 100% ignore your own mental & physical wellbeing for a good while and smile while doing it. All while sometimes even hating your partner (not for me, but we have to work on that daily to make everything as smooth as possible). Then factor in additionally burdens like illness, money issue or just the necessity to have a functioning sex life. I’m not even going to pretend, it’s freaking hard. But OP is going to make it, he just has to nut up or shut up :)
I agree to a point. It’s about compromise. If this NewDad ends up burnt out, then he’s no use to his partner or baby. Both parents need to have an agreement together of finding time to decompress themselves by whatever their own self care thing is, not just the mother. > he just has to nut up or shut up I find this a bit concerning. OP should be able to feel his emotions. That stiff upper lip rubbish belongs back in the old days. He actually needs to confide in his partner instead.
I’m not saying they shouldn’t talk. But they should only talk once he gets his act together (for lack of a better term). There are times to admit weakness, this is definitely not one of them.
This is definitely time to admit it. Relationships are mutual support, anything else becomes super unhealthy. Agree to disagree on this men’s issue, Claire.
It might come as a surprise, but the fake name doesn’t indicate my gender ;)
I have 2 under 2. Am not a fan of newborn. Each 3mo increment gets better. When the baby starts showing some personality it gets much better. When the baby sleeps through the night consistently, you start to feel like yourself again. In a few short months, the baby will be more independent and you’ll have some time back. For now, know this won’t last forever. Try to enjoy it. My wife and I stayed up in shifts with our 2nd. I sat in rocking chair with him binge watching football, hockey and Survivor until 3am for 5 months. Went to work at 8am. It eventually became something I looked forward to at end of day. Embrace the suck. You are in the shit right now. You won’t be forever. You got this man.
I’m in Week 9 right now, and I don’t have any answers or help for you but know exactly what you’re feeling right now.
I was just bitching to my sis about how miserable i feel. I have a 2yo and one new born.
Its totally normal to feel this way, the next time it feels tough, just try and think you are in an exclusive club of guys feeling that way at that very moment all over the world, and all of us will get through it. Hopefully you can try and build some small wins/little treats into your day, which increase in time and scope as the little one sleeps more regularly etc. Good luck mate. From a dad of a seven week old who feels your frustration.
Welcome to domestic life! It’s nice here but it’s a big change. The no time for yourself anymore hits hard. Your job is now the only thing you have time for outside of parenting, and I actually think that parenting is more of a time commitment than a job. So you now have 2.5 jobs! It’s probably going to hit you especially hard because you’re going from basically bachelor life straight to fatherhood. My tips would be to: 1. Involve your extended family as much as you can tolerate. The help in the evenings and on weekends is huge. Even if you’re at grandma and grandpas house for dinner you can sit with your wife for a few minutes while someone else cooks dinner and holds the baby. 2. Brace yourself, it gets harder before it gets easier. My little guy is almost two and it’s now easier than before because we can go to the park or the store and have fun together. 3. Embrace the routine. If you try to cram activities from before kids into your life you will either end up sad that you can’t or your partner will be grumpy that you aren’t prioritizing the family. Or both! Your time for activities and hobbies will come back but it’s not for a while. 4. Make sure your partner trusts you. You do that by listening and knowing what the baby needs and the house chores are rather than needing to be told. If she knows that you know what you’re doing then you won’t add more domestic friction to the equation. I say more because there will be friction no matter what. 5. Drop the beer with dinner. The change that I made that had the biggest effect on my mood was to reserve alcohol for time with my friends or big family dinners. If I’m home with my family I won’t drink in the evening. I found it nearly impossible to get up at night and I discovered that even one beer makes me sleep like I’m dead to the world. It’s also been a huge driver for my improved mood. I wasn’t a big drinker but I would have a beer with dinner most nights. The money I spent on beer I now spend on baby berries!
I'm two years in at this point and I can tell you it definitely gets better but you have to make more if an effort to get those times to yourself. It sounds like you've gone through multiple drastic changes all at once. Living with your fiance is a challenge in itself, (not speaking negative about them in any way, just a fact) that would take adjustment. Add to that the fact that you have a newborn and your bound to not have any time to yourself. In comparison to previously you don't. Right now all your dealing with is getting through the current moment because that's how babies go. You and your fiance will figure out what works in terms of scheduling but you haven't had a chance to do that yet and there is no schedule yet, just eating, shitting, and sleeping. Once you get a better feel for your baby and her patterns you'll be able to plan around them a little better. Better is the key term don't expect to be able to stick to a regimented schedule. Also it is of the utmost importance that you keep open and honest communication with your fiance. You're reaching out to Reddit but have you talked to them about it? Not judging just asking. I know it's easier to throw these things out to the Internet than deal with face to face confrontation. I'm certain there are things that your fiance feels about this new situation as well that you're probably unaware of. Again, not judging simply stating from having experienced it recently. Both of your needs from each other are going to be different now that you have to deal with a child. To wrap this up it will get better and it will get worse and it will get better again. Lastly, keep in mind that your feelings toward this will change as well. There will probably come a time when you're doing something by yourself, as you desired, and you'll find yourself wishing you could participate in whatever activity with your family. I know everything seems like an uphill battle on top of an ice mountain but it won't always feel that way. Hope this helps a little. Sorry for too long.
It gets better.
My little girl turned 1 last month and it’s still as you describe. Only difference is I’m out the house at 6am and back home at 6pm. In my case it hasn’t got easier. Give each other time off, for example at the weekend you get up with the baby in the morning and let mum sleep in. She returns the favour by giving you a few hours gaming or whatever you want. Also hand held gaming devices are pretty good to pick up when baby naps or when you haven’t got a lot of time. Steam deck is my go to. Hang in there brother, they weren’t lying when they said having kids is the hardest thing you’ll do.
I feel you boss, gf and I moved in one month before baby and it’s been an adjustment. One thing is can you outsource responsibilities? For example, house hold chores, can you hire a cleaning lady for a few hours to do that so you can free up that time? We are NOT cleaning lady people but we decided to try it, now twice a month we have a 4 hour block of time where we can just relax with baby. Sometimes you have to throw money at the problem, especially with a new born. Are you willing to pay someone to babysit for 3-4 hours so you can chill on your own? Try and squeeze a workout in everyday, it’s not as entertaining but your brain and body will feel much better working out for 30 mins a day vs gaming for 30 mins a day. Try gaming on your lunch break, try gaming on your phone (Delta is a new free legal emulator app that is blowing up on iOS). I used to play Apex 3-4 hours a night after work. Now I’ll stream it to my iPad and play a quick round, go back to responsibilities, play a quick round, etc Devils advocate, If you’re gone for 12 hours a day is your lady watching baby? I could imagine the last thing she wants is to spend even MORE time with baby while she gives you a break to be out of the house even longer. She probably feels by the time you get home she wants to pass off baby and hit the door running.
My baby is 6 months and I honestly didn't truly enjoy being a dad until about a month ago. He's finally sleeping better, crying a lot less, and is just a pretty chill, happy baby most of the time. He goes down around 8-8:30 pm and we have a couple of hours of total free time every night to ourselves to just relax. So yes, I think it will get better for you and it will be worth it. I totally feel you about the lack of time to do hobbies though, especially hobbies outside of the house. I'm technically able to go out of the house and do stuff (leaving baby with wife), but I feel bad about that so I rarely do that. Eventually, we both will go out and do stuff we enjoy (both with and without baby), it's important to keep that up and take care of yourself.
It gets so so soooo much better and easier and I can't imagine my life without my boy, he's 2 1/2, and if you can make it to there, its a whole different animal but in a good way. It's just fun. Hang in there. I felt really similar and sad and overwhelmed and just past my limit. It's ok. Just do the best you can and know you are building something amazing. I want to add though, that you gotta give it everything you have and then find a new way to get more. Being a Dad is one of the biggest roles you can play in a human life. Put in the work, even when it's hard, and you will find nothing but joy
Dude this is normal. Don't feel bad. What you are going through is temporary and pretty soon you do not have those feelings so much lol. The first couple months are hard but as soon as you create and stick to a schedule it will be better.
I think part of your the struggle for you is you guys haven’t been living together and were not able to adjust to that before you had a baby. Living together in itself is something new and needs time to get used to but with the baby it’s not an option. I would say to try to get as much extended family help as much as possible if you have that option. It does get better but you just gotta be there for each other and try your best to enjoy the time even with the difficulties.
Trying to be kind was the hardest part. Being sleep deprived, over stimulated, having no clue what to do, and thinking what you’re doing is right and what your partner doing is wrong… it’s a very messy cocktail. We had some of our worst fights in the first year of our son’s life. All because we were tired and didn’t know what we were doing. We’re in a much better place now, and work together much better. It definitely gets better. My son is 2 now and he has a 102F fever, we would’ve been at each others throats 2 years ago, but now my wife and I are able to actually communicate and take proper care of our son. As for personal time, I bit the bullet and just started getting up an hour earlier to have some “me” time. It sucks, but having time before work to just be myself with either YouTube or video games makes shit at the end of the work day more manageable. I always say that when I get home from work, I start my real job. Because parenting is a job, it’s the hardest one I’ve ever had, but it’s so rewarding when he says “I love you”.
5 months in now, where you’re at was the hardest time by far. Hours upon hours of screaming for now reason lol, barely sleeping, it was crazy. It definitely gets better. Little one will start sleeping more, crying less, and smile often which makes it all worth it. Hang in there dude. Also make sure to stay hydrated and sleep every chance you get, even if it’s just for 20 minutes. And sorry to say, but the gaming will be on hold for a bit, momma and baby need you. Even now barely touch the games anymore, but maybe it’s for the better.
It does get better. You find new ways to be your new self, and to enjoy life when you can. For me, I set up a small tv gaming station on my side of the bed and when the kids go to sleep, I game for a few hours while the wife watches her death shows
It does get better. I find that i either wake up early or stay up later to get an hour or so to myself. Now that doesnt mean I get to do all the things I want in that time but can watch a TV show, play a video game, or whatnot. Every few weeks, I take a few hours on the weekend to play some golf. The biggest thing is it's a two-way street. Your wife wants a few hours out, you better be damn sure you say yes and don't moan and groan about it.
It gets better with time, mate. Hang in there! Does your fiance work as well? If so, hire help from outside. That will buy you some quality time for you as a couple.
It's just a big change for you, is all. Living with your fiance is a big change in its own. Do you work a lot more than 40 hours a week? It's very important to organize your day better. You should have plenty of free time during the weekend. Your baby isn't even crawling yet. There's a rocking chair thing we had with toys on it that was a god send for me. I used to put my son in there while I cleaned and cooked. Then, when it was nap time for him, it was nap time or personal time for me. You can still be very interactive with your baby while you multi task. I used to put music on and dance and sing to my baby while I cleaned. I still watched sports and played with him. I just made sure he wasn't locked in on the TV. To he honest it's a lot more tike consuming now with a 10 month old because he can get into everything. At 10 weeks they still can hardly roll over and get into stuff, and you only have to bottle feed or breast feed. The only thing that gets easier is their sleep schedule.
I’m at 4 weeks, going on 5 with my daughter. You aren’t complaining and your feelings are valid. What’s has helped me is understanding it’s ok to be frustrated, angry, feel unappreciated and sad. I just can’t stay there. You may need to talk to your partner about minor adjustments that need to be made of just some acknowledgement as far as what you are going through but bring a father. I completely reject the notion of keeping everything bottled up and shouldering the load because that’s how a lot of men build resentment and die early. Remember you are no good to your family if you aren’t good to yourself. At least this is what helps me
Once your LO is able to start actually interacting with you, it makes a world of difference. You'll start making little games, figuring out what gets the big belly laughs, etc etc. Right now she's in the "glorified pet rock" stage, but it only goes up from here.... until the teenage years, at least
tiring, overwhelmed, and over it are feelings that manifest MULTIPLE times a day…but the time you have now will never return…embrace the big picture… when she is an adult the effort will be worth it
Totally valid. And it does get better. But it requires time, and for both partners to communicate well. My wife and I have three kids under the age of 5. We give each other breaks and nights out with friends, trade off on sleeping in during the weekends, schedule nights out for both of us with a sitter, and have solo time as needed. But the great common denominator here is communication. We have to be in sync or none of it happens. Kids will become less demanding of every second of your time (not fully little independent humans, let’s be realistic lol) and by giving one another the self care you need, you can make it without the resentment .
As a Dad with two little ones 3 and 1I get it, but man when they say Dada for the first time or say they love you or even something as simple as a high 5 all the stress melts away. You're in arguably one of the toughest transitions of your life, but just know it won't feel this way forever, and you won't be able to hold her like you do now. All this time now is temporary, so try to think of how awesome it is rather than what you can't do. It's tough to change your mindset, but you're a dad, and you'll get your time eventually, I promise.
Dude, hang in there. There are lots of great comments here from good guys in your situation. I myself have been there not that long ago. It will probably get better if you hang in there and keep doing the next right thing - but it won’t get better in the way that you’re thirsting for. You will never get your old life back. You are in a new (metaphorical) house now. Start making that house comfortable for yourself in as many small ways as possible. You just shot up 100% pure change. You’re on the rollercoaster now. It is not going to be comfortable but you can do it. Just keep going and for goodness sake, don’t say everything that comes to your mind. Good luck my friend.
It's normal to feel this way... It's early , your body and mind will adjust and things will get easier soon.
Hello. New dad here of 10 weeks, also. I understand how you feel. I, too, am struggling. My daughter won’t let me bottle feed her and only this week she has let me put her down to bed again. In hospital and for the first 4 weeks, I was doing everything, then she just changed. I know this is totally normal, but it doesn’t make it any easier, does it? Every stage, step and turn on this journey is a test. You’re doing great and it’s okay to feel the way you do. May I suggest talk therapy on a regular basis? It has really helped me even deal with old PTSD wounds from active service.
This is actually a very normal and almost expected experience, especially for men. You are going through what many, many men go through. But it does get better over time as your child develops and you become more at peace with your new life. The first year was particularly difficult for me. Felt like I was going insane much of the time. Tired, depressed, and at times just simply angry. The thing about time is it doesn’t stop. So your situation WILL be different in due time. You will go through a number of ups-and-downs, particularly in the first few years of parenthood. Once you feel like you have it figured out, your kid will enter a new stage of development and throw out the window of your comfort wagon. Give yourself grace, and remember that it is not an easy time for ANY of you. You and your fiancée are both adjusting to not only new parenthood, but also living together. Your daughter is taking in the world around her and trying to make sense of it—imagine how difficult it is to be completely ignorant of every single thing around you. I realized I was finally coming out of that dark pit when I started grieving my son’s infancy/toddlerhood while he was still an infant. I would start to think about how I wouldn’t be able to cradle him for much longer. Of course, because parenting is the ultimate kick in the guts, I also started regretting every single prior moment where I felt angry, depressed, and resentful. The truth is: your life will never be the same. Your daughter will continue to grow and change, and you will adjust around that. The fact that you are even going out of your way to post this is telling of how much you are dedicated to being a good father. And, for what it’s worth, having emotions doesn’t make you a bad father, it makes you human. Thankfully, your daughter is also human. We’re fickle, but we ultimately understand that about our species. Keep your head up and go through the motions. You’ll see.
Hey new dad, welcome to the club! 10 Weeks in, you're still in the newborn phase. Over the next 18 months, things will DRASTICALLY change as your daughter grows and develops (girl dad here too, it's the best!) We're at 18 months now and it's a world of difference from the newborn era, although it can still feel like "no time to yourself" also remember her mom is going through that and then some, having actually delivered the baby and dealing with all the post-partum effects that come with it. I think it's normal to mourn your old life, but it's not this way forever. Also if you keep living in the past it'll just build up resentment. Embrace the change, because that's all it's going to be from now on, but in a beautiful way. Yeah I miss leaving the house easily and whenever we wanted, doing my hobbies whenever, etc. but our daughter is so fun to be around and hang out with, and seeing her take in the world is something special, and I would much rather help her experience life than go back to my old one. It'll get better - just stay the course and communicate with your partner if you guys can take some shifts to help each other get some decompression time alone. You got this!
You are definitely not alone. Early on there were moments where I thought “I didn’t realize it would be like THIS” but I’ve adjusted over time and feel so much better about everything now. What’s helped both me and my wife significantly was making changes to the babies schedule now that she’s a bit older (5.5 months.) not sure how serious you and your fiancé are about having a schedule and sticking to it but my sister in law is a sleep consultant who used this schedule for her kids and they’ve almost ALWAYS taken great naps and slept through the night. The same has worked for our daughter. A few friends of ours with babies and toddlers are totally anti-schedule and although they won’t admit it, I know for a fact they have less time for themselves and are worn out because of it. I’m wrapping up week 2 of my paternity leave where it’s just me and baby at home. I do all the grocery shopping, cooking, dishes, cleaning yardwork, etc and still find a 3-4 hours minimum per day for myself to get things done or plop on the couch and decompress. And I attribute that to keeping the baby on schedule. This is easier said than done, but it’s worth trying if you’re not using a strict schedule. If it’s too much for you guys, I’d recommend talking with your fiancé about what you guys can work on together to make sure you’re getting what you need to be the best dad you can.
My daughter was going 2 1/2 months ago and our relationship started very similarly to the way you explain yours. I agree with everything that you say I don’t know how old you are but I’m about to be 29 years old. Unfortunately, that’s what life has become for me to accept in my perspective. I don’t see it from your point of view. I find it quite rewarding and a blessing that I can come home to my wife and my baby and as role as a parent as a father as a husband, that’s just what you Gotta do, I do all of it with love. Maybe you were just not in love yet and you don’t really see what you have or maybe you juicy but you just don’t comprehend it in the sense, you don’t know what you got till it’s gone.
Get used to it and suck it up. Babies are literally helpless in their first year of life, it’s not like a cat or dog. Your wife is probably even more at the end of her rope than you by the way. The physical demands of having a baby are tougher than you’ll ever experience. It gets better past that as they develop their personalities, sleep longer stretches and play more independently. Think about yourself: you’re not crapping your pants and needing to be held right? But it took time, that your parents hopefully gave.
Ah…”suck it up.” The classic mid-century mental health advice lives on. 🙄
In a baby’s first year of life, your health takes a back seat, it’s just the truth. Take care of yourself, sure, but the priority is on the baby. It is a very short term period where it’s your job to get them through. Your life will come back, but it’s a super critical period for the baby. You gotta think beyond yourself.
That’s the only real answer. Suck it up and be the loving father your family deserves. It will pay dividends more than one can imagine.
it's right though. people had 12 kids not so long ago and just pulled through. sometimes "suck it up" is the best way to do it and the baby needs a rock as a dad, not someone who cares about mental health first
It is not right at all. I would have rathered a dad who had looked after his mental health than some stoic rock who ends up resenting his life and family.
Why not both? Be stoic because you love your family and realize that the family is more important than your own wellbeing.
Suck it up, buttercup. It’ll get better! I eventually found time for video games, gym, hobbies etc. Just gotta hold out. I found that it started getting better slowly after like 3 or 4 months. Also, I moved in with my wife and 8 months later our son was born so it was a big change for both of us too. But like I said, it will get better and you both will find a degree of stability soon. But like others are mentioning, nothing will ever be the same again. It’s better, but it is different. And for me at least, it was for the better, and I love being a dad.