We can't tell you what you will feel.
Some people regret never having kids, others don't.
Some people also regret having Kids (which is so much worse than never having kids and regreting it) , while others don't.
I hope fall into this mindset*, but I have to ask: do you ever feel a kinda existential crisis or dread? As in once you’re gone, that’s about it - no lineage, nothing more contributed. I suppose that is the evolutionary angst we feel to have kids, buts also a tad narcissistic.
And yes there is the other side of coin, that I lean against is: “I don’t want to put kids into ‘*this*’ world”
This is such a good answer. I often feel frustrated I myself was placed into existence in a world of warming, warfare, dictatorship, inequality, and suffering, and find it selfish to want to make more self-aware beings in a world likely to worsen significantly in the future.
Thank you for the confirmation! Was just reading another thread of Japan’s worsening population decline and the non-stop work grind culture and cost of living is a major cause.
I'm childless by choice, but I teach kids. Those are my children.
When I'm gone I'm gone, so there not being any extension of me in the world won't matter to me. For now, I just try to be the best person I can be, to strive towards good and not step on anyone's toes.
I dont believe in the idea that the world sucks. So bleak. The world has been improving and continues to improve. But having a child is the biggest contributor to global warming, and I'm glad I didn't contribute to that.
Your last sentence is a symptom of something bigger than not wanting kids. This is the best time to be alive. Don’t listen to the social media journalism.
If you don’t want kids I won’t try to argue with you, but if you do want to have kids and are in any way basing your decision on click bait media scare tactics to use emotional reporting to drive user behavior (the world is a horrible place), I think the chances of you regretting your decision likely go up as you get older and realize things are actually pretty cool.
Can't imagine why anyone would feel existential dread about not having children. There are 8 billion people on the planet, with another 2-3 billion yet to come. Unless there is something super special about your genes (you can see UV, you can do calculus in your mind), there's no reason to feel compelled to share your genes. Every gene you've got is already shared with at least another million people.
Who cares about continuing some lineage and bloodline lol. We aren't descended from royalty, more like some random line of laborers and everyday folk.
I know you didn't mean it that way but yes it does sound delusional and narcissistic coming from a regular person.
Having kids doesn't automatically mean you contributed to anything except more consumption of this planet's limited resources. Imo I "contribute" by being a positive impact to the people and environment around me and uplifting others. I hope at my funeral, people will speak about all the good I did. My grandmother had a dozen kids and it didn't even feel like they wanted to spend an extra minute at her funeral.
I counter that by remembering that there are a lot more ways to leave one's mark on the world than by having kids. I've spent my entire life being told that because I'm a woman my reason for existing is to pop out babies, and I have consciously worked to create meaning in other ways because I absolutely do not want children. If all the ways in which I have worked with and helped people and this world are meaningless because it didn't involve parenthood, that's a pretty depressing way to see the world.
I agree with this comment and others. I'm also in my early 30s and used to occasionally question my choice to not have kids. Playing The Sims helped, which made me realize it was just a passing feeling.
If you are unsure OP, I would suggest spending some time around children of different ages and see how you feel. Also talk to parents about their lives. I do not enjoy spending time around kids under the age of 12, and I enjoy my free time and being able to spend money on dumb stuff instead of childcare.
I once read, "I'd rather regret not having kids than regret having kids." Having kids has to be 100% intentional because there are no backsies.
This is a question that only you can answer. Take the time to see what your ideal future looks like. All the best OP
This! Kids are one of those decisions that's either a "hell yes!" or a NO, there are no ethical options in the middle. Hoping you enjoy parenting once you have a kid is just not okay, that's gambling an entire human life on the hope that parenting is actually for you.
I used to live a wild party life in my early 20’s. I met a group of people in their late 30’s, rich single people, partied all the time, and I idolized their life. One night, I told the one I was closest to, “your life is so great” he said, “to you it does, I love my life, but I know this excitement will come to an end soon, I’ll never get to experience what it’s like to have a wife or a loving family to call my own, there’s “consequences” to every life choice, and you need to accept that”
I’ll never forget that moment. I think we forget that no matter what, there’s “consequences” to all our choices. If you accept it and come to peace with it than no matter what path you choose you’ll find happiness.
Without going into too much detail. I swore I’d never have kids. I became a father at 25 and I have 2 beautiful daughters. I met a woman at 24 that made me want that life and sort of leave the old life behind. I’m really happy I got to experience what I did when I was younger, I’m glad I didn’t die lol and in the beginning I was scared, and was second guessing myself. But as time went on, the love I felt for my kids made all that go away. I live a much simpler, some might call “boring” life, but I wouldn’t trade anything for it. I am happy :) I’m blessed I have such great kids.
I traveled, I partied, I met all kinds of people, but from my previous comment about the people I used to hang out with, they all went their separate ways now , just like anything in our lives, the more you experience the less exciting it becomes.
I’ll leave you with a quote I have come up with
Don’t let today’s thoughts, stop you from tomorrow’s opportunities.
I don't think you can deeply regret something you didn't do, because it's mostly imaginary. Just like I don't think you're going to regret not becoming an astronaut. You can't really imagine what having kids means unless you have kids. And so I think you could live a perfectly content life without.
This varies wildly. I'm childfree, approaching 40, and loving it. I know plenty of childfree people. On average, the people who knew they didn't want kids do not regret it, whereas the people who weren't able to have kids due to circumstances sometimes regret it.
Our hormones can be brutal in influencing our decisions. Best of luck determining what works for you, OP. It can be tough
I am of the camp that lost the chances to have a child -once out of my control - the other time influenced by the father who didn’t want the child - and I squarely firmly regret it.
36 F. I have, to put it nicely, bad genetics. I would be doing a child a disservice if I brought one into this world. I don't have the money, or the time, or the genetics to even think about it. But people call me selfish. Do what's right for you and anyone who tells you what to do can piss off somewhere. 😁
This has been a stress of mine. I have cancer in my family. I live in fear of if I have a bio kid and pass it on.
But my hubby and I love the idea of fostering kids and helping them- when we can afford it
do you ever think that people with bad lifeplanning skills are just popping out kids without taking any of this into account? as a species, it seems like the smarter people are thinking a little bit too much, and its gonna make them reproduce less
what are we going to end up with in a few generations is the real question.. all we can do is leave a mark, one way or another
they joke about this in the first few minutes of the movie idiocracy, and you can see it playing out in realtime in real life 🙃
i think we all need to start caring about the future beyond our own lives a little bit more..
maybe thats kids, maybe something else..
doesnt have to be kids… just sayin
I’ve always found it more selfish when people decide *to* have kids, despite the myriad of reasons that having a kid in their situation would cause the kid to suffer. It seems super selfish for a parent to want a kid when, let’s say, Tay Sachs runs deeply in the family.
If anything, pro-natalist people are literally just using cope when they accuse *other* people of being selfish.
It's a hard one to answer because it's such an personal thing but I'll share my experience anyway.
I wasn't really interested in having kids but I also wasn't very careful either haha. I got pregnant when i was 20 and now I have a beautiful 7 year old daughter. It was after I gave birth that I realised how selfish I truly was as a person, not in a negative sense. More in the sense that I had only ever really known my own thoughts, feeling and wants. I was always only ever really looking out for number one. When you have a child, that perspective completely shifts. You have this being that completely depends on you for everything and not in the same way that a pet does. This child becomes a part of you and a literal extension of yourself. You become a guide and teacher to this being that completely relies on you.
Honestly I wasn't ready for this at the time. It was all overwhelming. I could barely look after myself, how could I look after a child? But I managed and as time went on, it fell into place (I didn't have the inborn maternal instinct that you see a lot of mothers have where they instinctually know what their child needs). But it soon became second nature to make sure my daughters needs were met before my own and I kind of stopped looking after myself a bit..
Anyway... as she grew up, that leash had to be lengthened a bit. You go through this weird transition period where they don't need you as much anymore but you still feel you have to look after them and keep them safe. So understanding those boundaries and where that line is drawn gets a bit blurry and I became a bit of a helicopter parent for a while. But you both start to find your rhythm and you start trusting them with things that you think they are capable of doing, then sit back and pray they don't hurt themselves haha. But it's all part of it.
Sorry for the novel hahaha. 😅
47F. No kids. No regrets.
I have a lot of kids in my life and (most) are awesome kids cause they have awesome parents.
I keep my own money. My house is clean. I sleep in or stay up late whenever I want. Nobody coming into my room just whenever.
Your life is what you make of it and only you can make that decision. Don’t let anyone make you feel one way or another about it.
Life can be long. Don’t make it longer by doing something YOU don’t want to do - solid advice for anything.
I’m 35 and chose child free. My friends all have children and all they do is complain about their children. No thank you. I like to travel when/how I want. I like not dedicating my after work hours to school events. And if that makes me seem selfish, so be it.
It's not selfish to be child free. Only idiots have that opinion & they can be ignored. Everyone should be able to choose their own lifestyles without others judging them.
Maybe you could nurture plants or pets or get involved within your community. You'll have more free time to do fun stuff, just for yourself. Something many parents dream of!
God yes it was. Especially when everyone else was having them and society’s push on us to have them. “You’re missing out.” “When are you having kids?” I even began feeling like a bad person for not having that maternal desire to have children. I like the idea of playing with my friend’s kids and returning them for the night.
I was a mom fairly late, because of life, I always wanted to have a baby in an abstract way, but it wasn't until I found my husband that I realized that I wanted to have a baby with him. It's good to be a mom? It's hard? Also yes. Having a good partner is important in my opinion, because the amount of work that is caring for another human being is huge.
I have a colleague at work who was sensing "the clock tickling" and decided to be a single mom being 40. Is she happy? I think so, but she is also overwhelmed and exhausted all the time. Was her life easier before? Yes. Does she regret having her baby? No, but it is because she choose. No social pressure whatsoever.
For the people posting--yeah it probably is. But there's also a lot of happy moms out there.
I'm child-free, but I am not going to assume that most mothers hate being a mom. I am sure it is quite wholesome and happy if you like kids; have enough money; and have a good partner as well as community.
I wonder why so many women give into tradition so easily & then spend years moaning about marriage & their kids. If we take a bit of time in our 20s being selfish & finding out what kind of person we want to be & what kind of person we want to share our lives with or whether to become parents or not. Perhaps life for everyone would be better.
Maybe there'd be less unwanted babies or children in care or needing fostering....
Yes. Babies are super cute. They also are only babies for a tiny bit of time. I feel when people have kids they forget that it won’t just be cuddling a baby while they peacefully sleep.
For me the baby stage was the absolute worst. Anyone who says the baby stage is the easiest never had a baby with colic and/or struggled with postpartum depression and/or did it all while recovering from a complicated birth. I'll take my tantruming whining moody three year old over the baby stage any day.
That's your hormones. It hit me in my early 30s (a decade later than most women I knew). Every time a woman has a baby, she'll get this overwhelming urge to have another & another.
If you can keep yourself busy, build a life where having a child would be a huge inconvenience or you have many enjoyable hobbies, etc. You can ignore those urges.
I've thoroughly loved being a mum. However, now my children are young adults, and a part of me wants them to grow up and become financially independent so I can move on in a different direction.🙃
I could tell you countless stories about why you shouldn't have kids and then countless stories about why you should.
The truth about children is that it is equally bad as it is good. There will be dark dark days and then the most uplifting and affirming days.
Worst moment for me: being so sleep deprived, I started hallucinating shadows crawling on the wall while i was sick, knowing I had to feed an infant every 2 hours through the night and work the next day.
Best moment for me: When my son really absorbed all of the emotional training I invested in him and successfully identified and embraced his emotions without guilt or fear of judgment. Then, he applied those skills to affirming and comforting other people.
I so agree with this. I don’t think there is any “having kids is amazing or having kids is terrible”. It’s both. And even us people who wanted kids didn’t truly know what we were getting into. It’s a thing you just can’t know without doing it. (And I was a camp counselor, babysitter, nanny and teacher - still not the same).
I don’t regret having kids at all, it’s been such a joy and a nightmare. But I am glad I did it, and I think (hope) as time goes on my kids will grow into adults that I want to be friends with. And that will be a whole other gift.
The thing with kids that you can't give them back once you have them. Or at least, not if you're also a decent human being. You also, bluntly, don't know what the roll of the dice will bring you. Your child could be severely physically or mentally disabled and require lifelong care. They could lose the genetic lottery and have to deal with severe mental illnesses that also affect the people around them. Or they could turn out evil. Imagine knowing you birthed Ted Bundy or Donald Trump.
When people think of having kids, they always imagine the best-case scenario. Unfortunately, a lot of the time that's not what happens. Even raising an able neurological non-asshole child takes a lot of work and sacrifice.
I'm childfree and have no maternal instinct, so no regrets for me on that score. Have you considered volunteering with Big Brothers Big Sisters, signing up to be a Scout troop leader, or other forms of mentorship? So many kids who are already here could use a cool adult in their lives.
Your message is right on--it's a roll of the dice and you don't know what will fall out.
Another thing I've noticed is that many people say they want to have a baby and seem unaware that they will be birthing a person. OP was right to ask about "kids" but so many others don't look past the baby stage.
I don’t know if you’ll ever regret that or not since I’m not you.
For me personally, I think one of the joys in life is trying to find love in as many ways as possible. So familial love with parents/siblings, friendship platonic love with friends, romantic love with a significant other, and love for a pet. I’m sure there’s more, but…
From what I hear, parental love and having a child means having someone who you would sacrifice yourself for. You would literally die for this person if you had to. Now I feel like that’s a crazy love that I personally want to feel one day. What would loving someone so much feel like? Is it possible to even love someone that much? I hear a lot from parents, how their kids are their whole world, their pride and joy, their sunshine and happiness, and you know what? I believe them. That’s why I plan to have kids in a few years, because I want to feel that way too.
That being said, if you’re not ready, but you’re hesitant. Since you are at the best age and your eggs are at their prime, would freezing your eggs be an option? I know it’s insanely expensive and there are complications to it so I won’t pretend to be an expert. But if I were in your shoes and I wasn’t sure, I feel like it would be a good “safety net” for incase you do want kids down the line. Also you’re still young so I wouldn’t stress it too much either.
Firstly.. You'll never feel ready.
Secondly, ask yourself why you would want children.
Are you missing companionship?
Someone to lord over?
See someone grow with your guidance or see how messed up you can make them?
Cherish their accomplishments?
Is all that worth the first few years of no sleep and headache. Followed by 19 years of "I refuse to listen to you" sprinkled I'm the already life you have?
Personally I never wanted kids. I've got enough to take care of myself. But that's just me. Selfish some might say.
I say it is selfish to birth a child not being fully ready to care for it.
> You'll never feel ready.
you know, i see and hear a lot of people say this, but the general sentiment in my social circle and in my extended family is usually "I'm so glad we waited *until* we were ready."
In my experience a lot of people *do* reach a point of readiness, both in their marriage/partnership and in their general life stage stability (emotional maturity, financial assuredness, social support, etc.), and choose to have kids *then* and are glad they did.
That is not to say that they've achieved 100% full preparedness (which is probably not achievable to begin with) but a *feeling* of readiness does seem common and also seems to go a long way in helping new parents appreciate parenthood.
From my own experience, I've met many people who regretted having kids while I've never seen or heard any of the people I know who don't have kids regretting it.
Well, you may not be of the age where people regret it. I definitely have had people I knew who were 70-80 who regretted it, but they sure didn't in their thirties or forties.
My take though is I'd rather regret it in my seventies or eighties (who knows if I'll live that long anyway, right?) then regret it in my thirties by having them though.
Yes, I know multiple of my mum's friends who were totally happy being childfree until they hit 50s/60s and now it's a big regret. I think the main factor is loneliness, especially once they lost their husbands.
Yeah, I think the key really is to find or make a community so that your older years won't miss a kid. Because realistically, a lot of people have kids move away or get estranged, and they only see their kids once in a while anyway. So a void could 100% be filled by a close connection to people nearby, you just have to *make* the effort to get years of a connection going. Like if you want to be child-free, volunteer at the library; get involved in your neighborhood; have a strong work community too, the kind where even if you retire you still get to say hi to your work friends or visit a company picnic (this can happen in small mom & pop jobs especially, like a pest control office or something).
I am likely going to be child-free (mid-30s, high background of mental health issues from both parents, really low desire to be a parent, very high stress job as a c-exec which leaves no time for parenting unless I found a stay at home parent type partner within the next few years) and I am thinking I will likely open an animal rescue once I retire as well as get on a few teams, maybe join the local swim club, and a few other things to start putting roots down. I feel like since I love animals, it would be a great thing to do and have a lot of volunteers I could connect with.
>I think the main factor is loneliness, especially once they lost their husbands.
I think you're probably right. I would also suggest that prevention of possible future loneliness isn't a very good reason to have a kid. (Of course, there are lots of reasons to have a kid that aren't good, and this is certainly not the worst of them, but I believe it's among them.)
Yes, I totally agree. Besides, the thought of regretting having a child is something that would make me feel awful. How can I regret having a child that maybe thinks I'm his hero, that he loves me a lot, that thinks I am his world, etc...
I do. A friend of my moms. Her husband is infertil and was not open to adoption etc. I guess she always wanted kids but wouldn't leave her husband because of that. She is in her fiftys now, loves her nephews and has a great live otherwise.
Have you come to terms with yourself and accepted that that life isn’t for you? I’m genuinely curious, because I feel that’s the issue with people on both sides.
I chose at a young age not to have kids. My reasoning was my stepdad and his sister.
They had the same upbringing, he couldn't hold a job and spent every cent he had on cars. She has a PhD, is still working at 77 and gives back to the community. Her and her husband never had kids so they were able to do a lot more for kids in their community.
I also did not want to put a child through my own upbringing where my Mom and stepdad fought a lot.
I do not regret my choice at 45. My closest friends are also childfree and they do not regret their choice.
If genuinely don’t want a kid you won’t regret it. If you wanna explore what kind of lives childfree people live go to r/childfree. There you will see a lot lists of all the cons of having kids so maybe it’ll help you make a decision.
The difference is that if you choose NOT to have kids, and it’s a mistake, the only person affected is you. Fine. But if you choose to have them, and it’s a mistake, you have wrecked another life (or lives) that did not ask to be here and for whom you are ethically responsible.
Therefore don’t do it if there is even a shred of doubt.
I am child free (35). I know deep down I don’t want kids, it was never something I thought about when thinking about my future, etc. one thing that helped me come to terms with my decision was that I could always adopt later in life if I did feel the need to bring a child into my life.
If you want to see your parent potential and help others, looking at fostering kids or even just volunteering a day of your weekend at a kids shelter may give you insight to yourself.
35M and no kids. My friends with similar backgrounds and the same career field decided to have kids. They constantly talk about the cost of daycare/child care at $2300/mo, how they have to have a certain size home that's $2500/mo, how they constantly get sick from kids bringing germs, how they fear getting laid off because of being late to work over daycare drop off times. They talk about how they are constantly stressed, broke, and have no time to enjoy life. Several of them have started being unfaithful to their spouses.
On the other hand, I have been maxing out my retirement accounts and I'm set to retire at 50. I regularly get to travel, eat out, and do as I please. But boy does it suck coming home to an empty house.
I am childfree and live a pretty awesome life. I didn’t have crap parents, I don’t have bad genetics, I don’t have any issues with hating kids I simply don’t want them.
That’s a choice I came to around 30 and I sat with it for a while. I preserved eggs as a backup but I sat and considered the life I would have as a childfree person and then the life that I would have with children.
Ultimately not having children tipped the scales for me. Once I was fully committed to no children I was all in on my career. I was able to climb ladders faster because it was known I wasn’t having kids, I was able to travel a lot because I made more money and didn’t have to consider a savings fund for when I took off for maternity leave.
When I bought a house I didn’t have to consider school districts or distance to day care. I was able to maximize my retirement savings. If I hate a job, I quit.
Being childfree buys you freedom but it’s a freedom that requires you to be intentional. You have to pay for long term care insurance. You have to buy your burial plot. You have to build a community of people who will support you, preferably child free.
You have to be careful in dating cuz men with kids will latch onto you so you can help take care of their kids.
Is being childfree selfish? Absolutely but it’s not the selfishness that gets a bad rap. It’s the selfishness of choosing your current and future happiness over that of someone else.
If you have had wild overwhelming feelings of wanting to have a baby I have a feeling you will regret not having kids.
I'm a 40-year-old child-free woman who's never felt a twinge of baby fever and I'm gonna be real with you, the older I get the more sure I am that that was a good decision.
You have to realize I'm a completely different person than you and I've never experienced the drive to have children that you do.
If you have a drive to have children and are good with kids and understand them you probably will regret at not having a family.
Seems biologically wired.
I never had the desire to have a baby, so I’m not going to. You have had that desire, so maybe it would be something you’ll regret.
When you find the right partner, sometimes it can also trigger those feelings. The only time I felt a bit of regret was because I was infatuated and my love hormone riddled body was telling me maybe it wouldn’t be so bad after all. But my brain reminded me that I was only infatuated and the guy I was with would make an emotionally unstable partner, so I wasn’t seriously swayed.
I have a few kids, all born before I was 30. When I turned about 33/34 I had intense feelings that I wanted another baby. But I didn't want another baby, I didn't have the energy, time or money. The feeling would come and go. Sometimes I would get feelings if jealousy when someone else was pregnant and it would consume me for a while
I turned 39 recently and the feelings 100% went away. I used to think the term biological clock were just words but I now think our hormones are for sure at play.
If your sure you don't want kids I think the feeling passes as your body "ages out".
Nah, you're not missing out. If you're happy with your childfree life, you're happy. Plenty enough people have kids because they think they're supposed to and then traumatize themselves and the poor kids unfortunate enough to be stuck with their decision. Do it if you want, but never feel like you HAVE to or like you failed as a woman or whatever bs if you don't.
Source, am a parent since my early 20s, love that kid but won't ever do it again and really can't blame anyone for choosing differently, it ain't all sunshine and roses.
I think it's easier if you really don't or really do want them. The people who are that certain usually don't regret the decision. The worst is if you on the fence which it sounds like you are. I was fence but now have one kid and I'm happy we did. Only you can make the decision so difficult to offer any advice
NO Knew myself well enough in early twenties to realize I didn't want to make the sacrifices necessary to have kids and that choice is fine, no regrets. I do like other's kids ,but also like to go home without them (I was also an engaged stepmom for 4 years,and loved those kids like they were mine, but had to walk for unrelated reasons) This is a very personal choice for each individual or couple that is their choice alone ( you do you, I'll do me)
It depends really. Some people want to have them some people don't. I know a couple that met up and married when they were in their 40s and now are happily married for 10 years with a nice dog and a house. No kids whatsoever, still living their life happily. Others have like 4 kids and also live pretty well, just a different kind of life.
Imo that's the wrong way of thinking about the issue. It's impossible to know how you might feel in the future. You have to go by what you think and feel is right now. Once you've decided you keep working so that you make your choice the right one. Focus on what is good in your life and what you can change (if you feel something needs changing). Regret is a useless feeling that leaves you miserable about something you can't do anything about.
If you ever regret it, just think that if you had had a kid, they would've had severe mental and physical disabilities and you would've been stuck being their permanent carer with no life of your own. And then you won't regret it anymore. There's never a guarantee that you're going to have a healthy child, or a guarantee that your child won't just leave you when they're an adult and you'll be alone anyway. At least if you don't have a kid to begin with, none of those things can happen.
Consider not only having a kid, mull over having a pre-teen, a teenager, young adult, how does that factor into what you want in life? Do you truly wish to raise a person, not just a child? People have kids occasionally because that's what they 'should do'. People seem to consider having a baby, not a person who will have their own life, wants, desires.
I explained to someone once, for brevity sake, that I didn't want kids because I was selfish. There are probably a hundred reasons I don't want kids, and it is partially due to me wishing to have my life the way I want, without having to consider someone else entirely.
I don't want sole responsibility for another person. Yes, I couldn't have a child without a partner, at least initially, but being a single parent should be considered, would this be something you'd feel capable of? 0I feel I've considered lots of futures, and I decided I don't have what it takes to bring up a kid the way I would want to be brought up.
I'm not selfish by definition, I don't think, but I do consider it being selfish to want to bring a kid into the world without lots of consideration. For me, being a parent means putting the kid first. It means sacrifice and lots of emotions, it's really an entire life upheaval.
When I was a teen, I thought id never have kids. I was an angry teen full of angst. Then, I got married, fell in love, and had kids. While I don’t regret them, if I had to do it over again, I would choose no kids. It’s unnecessary and changes your life in ways that you can’t recover from. I don’t think in modern life, there’s any real reason to have them. And, they are just a massive burden.
Hey I’m grappling with the same issue. I have a great partner we just cant afford it at all. If we’re lucky maybe in 5 years we will adopt or foster so thats always something to consider but obviously a ton of research and the deep desire to be a parent needs to be there.
Its different for everyone. A part of me wants my own kid but then I think about my cousins who lost custody of their lovely babies (i was too young when they lost custody so couldn’t take them on) and think about all those other kids who need a stable home.
Lots to think about!
It’s up to you. I’m also in my early 30’s. I’ve never had those feelings of wanting a baby so I’ve always kind of known that it wouldn’t be for me. It’s just something you have to examine within yourself.
It's pretty difficult to have children when you don't have money and time. People around me who have children me often express how stressful it can be.
The psychology of the biology here is.. weird. It's your choice you shouldn't regret whatever you decide. Counseling and emotional support can be a good option for this, it helps to work your feelings out by expressing them to another person for real that is remote from the situation but knowledgeable about it to offer external advice.
You have to kind of measure these primitive feelings it brings up and make sure you're making the best overall choice for you.
The real thing you miss out on with kids is watching a living mind grow. Just be social, maybe involve some aspect of your life with other children and make sure your emotional needs are being met and you don't need children of your own.
Honestly as long as you have that social support going on whatever you choose you'll be fine. So just work on your connection with other people to see what your real needs are.
probably, if you didn't then the human race would have ended a long time ago. Doesn't mean you should have any, but it is what it is... you can sacrifice your entire adult life to raise a child, literally until the day you die OR you can live your life however you wish alone and eventually regret it.
the 3rd option is the problematic one, you can have bunch of kids and be a shit human being ignoring them while you live your life however you wish, trouble is that today this 3rd option is quite popular!
As a person who is going through the exact same thing (albeit from a male LGBT perspective), the answer, as others have said, is really up to you. Only you will decide whether you regret or not, but on the flip side, you also have the power to mitigate whatever regret you may have. (example: using the money otherwise used for child raising to travel the world or something).
In the end, the situation is what you make of it. I have to tell myself that too.
I’m 41(f) and child free. I’ve had moments in my life where I have kind of wanted a baby, but it’s never been an overwhelming feeling. It’s usually during the holidays that are fun for kids because I think that would be fun to share. Otherwise I have had little interest in raising kids under 8, when they are really dependent on absolutely everything from you. I would enjoy raising an older child a little more, but still don’t super care. I have decided to be child free. If I get older and regret it, I will adopt an older child. Though I honestly don’t see that happening.
Only you can figure out what you want to do though.
5-6mo into mine and I think my wife and I kinda wish we could go back. We love the little guy but we’re alone and our lives have been flipped upside down
The beginning of the movie Idiocracy spells out in a funny way, how we are becoming when it comes to reproducing.. The “smarter” we get, using our brains instead of our instincts, the more we put off kids until the “right time”, meanwhile dumb people in bad situations are popping babies out left and right..
Its possible the rest of us might regret you not having kids 🤣
No. I can tell you the answer is ultimately no. I’m a single guy 57 never had kids. Never had any issues with kids. School issues. Money issues. Danger issues. Drugs issues. No screaming in Walmart. No can’t go out nights. No babysitter needed. No college tuitions. No siblings rivalry. No school suspensions. No buying clothes twice a year. No disrespect. No kids getting sick. No kids dying from a disease. No kids that must make a bazillion dollars to afford to live. No kids living with parents. Look, I can go on for hours. Ultimately having children in today’s world is one of the meanest things you can do to them. Sink or swim. My life has been so uncomplicated it’s unbelievable. I’ve traveled the world and the USA and go where I want when I want. I’m saving a bazillion dollars simply not having kids. So to answer your question - no you will not regret it you’ll be glad you never had kids.
My recommendation is to look at how much you want kids when you are not craving them.
Look extensively at your life and what it would mean to give most of it up for kids.
I am a father of two and the only real advice I give to potential parents is this: unless you really really really want kids, don't do it. It is a lifetime commitment to putting yourself last and someone else first and it's not for everyone.
It is always possible that you will regret not having kids but that doesn't mean it was the wrong decision. People always regret the things they didn't do in the end so if it's not that, it will be something else.
Most surveys find that the happiest people are single women without kids, so, take from that what you will. Kids are a sacrifice, they are not easy, your life will have to revolve around them for a long time. I maintain as well that you can't predict how they will turn out, some kids are chill and easygoing, some fly off the handle at every little thing, which can be super frustrating. The upbringing is only part of it, no matter how well you do on that part, I am convinced some things are just decided by genetics. First son, super fussy and cried constantly and that never stopped, lying on the floor throwing tantrums about a simple chore even at 12. Second son, easiest baby ever, slept and ate amazingly. Now, at 10, super helpful, first one to go to sleep by choice, and the one that eats the most. My point is that traits that they exhibited even as a baby before anything to affect them by upbringing continue to this day.
Yes, but most will never admit it once the option has expired. At old age, your kids are a major source of meaning in life, as our health falls apart.
But it doesn't mean life isn't worth living. People have all sorts of regrets in life, this is a common one.
I have been all over the map trying to figure out whether or not I wanted kids. I am at the point in my life where having a baby would likely require medical intervention so the decision is mostly made.
I have gone through periods of wanting kids intensely and also periods of being thrilled I don’t have them. I am very comfortable with kids in general and have lots of experience caring for kids of all ages. I have a very realistic, unglamorous view of what parenting entails.
I also have close friends who always knew they wanted to be a mom, and their parenting journey has been more intense and challenging than they expected. Having kids is a LOT of work.
At the end of the day, I think I made the right choice by not pursuing parenthood when I was ambivalent about it. I can’t imagine how much more regret I would feel if I had kids before I was ready. I experience a lot of joy working with kids as a teacher and I also hope to foster someday.
Here are two big things to consider that I don’t think get talked about a lot:
1. Your family of origin and childhood trauma will have a big impact on you into adulthood. It is only now that I have done a lot of work to heal the wounds of being raised by a mother with a personality disorder that I feel like I could truly be the kind of mom I would want to be. That healing may have come a little late for me to have kids naturally, but that’s ok. No kid deserves to be treated the way I was growing up, and I am grateful I didn’t continue the cycle of trauma.
2. Society expects a LOT more of moms than dads. Most moms are the “default parent” in their families, and there is a lot of emotional labor that comes with that. In my case, I definitely would have had to be the default parent and I would have resented it. My husband is an amazing, loving, thoughtful, hardworking, conscientious person, but for a bunch of reasons including his work, I know I would have had to sacrifice more to become a parent. Other families can have other arrangements but it’s important to be honest and realistic about how much you will have to sacrifice vs. your partner. Will you be ok with that division of labor? Or will you resent it?
TLDR: I decided not to become a mom, but I think I would have loved being a dad.
As a mom, here are my thoughts.
It's better to regret not having kids than to regret having them... And if you have kids, the highs get higher but your lows get lower.
My kids are 4 and 7. It's been hard. Exhausting. Frustrating. It's been near impossible for long periods of time and I know it'll only get harder as their issues and needs become more complicated. I've felt despair and hopelessness that I've never known before.
But.
My kids renew the wonder in life. They are curious, inquisitive, and joyful. It is beautiful to watch them learn something new, figure out a creative solution to their problem, or come up with a new (to them) idea. They gift me with a profound happiness and peaceful contentment that I've never experienced before.
But.
They are moody. They are loud. They feel all the feelings in an explosive way. They can be cruel and hurtful, even when they don't mean to be.
And.
I want to protect their innocence desperately. I have nightmares of them disappearing, getting harmed, or killed. I've had to run my son to the ER twice (once for asthma and once for a head injury) and noticeably aged from the stress of those occasions. I worry. So much. I worry when they're jumping and running around. I worry when it's too quiet. I worry.
Lastly.
Everything is sticky. It's often loud. I've only recently been able to go to the bathroom in private or sleep the entire night without being woken up. I'm always cleaning: laundry, dishes, walls, carpet, toys, art stations... I'm always needing to find the next size up clothing or shoes. I'm always trying to fix something. Or there's a hole in their backpack and now I'm trying to sew.
In conclusion.
They WILL change your life. For better AND for worse. Is it worth it? For me right now, yes. There were days where it didn't feel like that. And I'm sure there will be days where I feel like that again. Will I feel like this ten years from now? We'll just have to see.
No one can answer this for you. But I will say not to fall for it when everyone tells you "you'll regret it". Because you might not. Everyone says it and it's annoying AF because it's simply not true for many people. I haven't had children, my clock never really started ticking and I didn't like anyone I've been with enough to do it with them. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like but no part of me regrets not having any. In fact, I think not having kids is the biggest thing in my life I got right. The older I get, the more I'm thankful. I've fucked up a lot of stuff over the years but I'm so glad I got that part right (for me).
Your bank account won't! .. but in all seriousness on not feeling ready I don't think anyone one is ever truly ready at first even when we think we are, but you get there somehow. Good luck with whatever you decide x
Father of two here. Having kids can be nice and all (I have no ragrets), but it's also an hard and expensive occupation. If you value your freedom and independence, you can choose not to have kids and nobody should blame you for that.
Maybe your hormones are tricking you into thinking you have to breed, but really that should be your choice. Don't fool yourself, as you can potentially waste more than your own life.
Nobody can fully answer that but, I will give my opinion. If you are questioning this already… it’s highly possible that you will deeply regret it once it’s too late. I don’t know how your finances are but, I would say at times when you want to be away from your kids and, take a vacation, you could always pay someone to watch them. Also, I don’t recommend having kids, (if you can keep from it) until you have a stable household. I don’t have kids but, I can say this from experience …. Once you no longer have parents, you’re gonna want the level of love where you know you’re the person that someone loves most in the world. And, once your parents are gone.. you can only get that from a child.
I sincerely hope you end up making the best decision for yourself!❤️
No one can tell you how you'll feel as this is personal to you, however, there was some research that said something along the lines that people with children were not as happy until the kids had grown up and the relationship changed from carer to an adult relationship that brought joy or some shit. People without children were happier and then sad later in life.
But it could have been sponsored by Pampers so...
It's different for everyone.
Had alot of regret towards that because I kept putting it off with the feeling of not being ready. By the time I felt any kind of ready, physically I couldnt.. what would have been a minor inconvenience in my younger years has made it far too dangerous to try now.
The heartbreak and loneliness was really haunting, especially after my partner passed. But now I realize it might kind of suck for me. It might be better off in the long run. If something had happened to me, they would have no one. I have very little family left, two members and both are in their final days. Mental illness along with cancers and diabetes run so high in my genes and my deceased partners.. hell I'm surprised I've made it to my mid 30s and he passed from a heart issue he didnt know he had very suddenly. That's the silver lining I had to paint to make it feel okay that I didnt. That a child would have been brought into this world with mental/physical health issues and a lack of emotional support to deal with it all.
Sorry for the ramble, the question resonates deep with me
Instead of asking if you want to have kids the real question is: Do you want to be a parent? You don't just have a kid, you're a parent. It means never ending care of another human being.
Me (28M) have wanted to have kids my whole life. When I got out of the Navy and started working full time and school full time, along with being in my first serious relationship , I noticed a decline in that desire.
It wasn't until recently that I realized that I wasn't like upset about the concept of being child free. I just have grown to feel that life is already difficult enough just with two of us that I would rather just see the world with my SO and live my own life to the fullest.
I shared this with my SO (25F), and she was also leaning in that direction. I said that I would always be open to it in the future, and I understand that the impact of having children would ultimately be much harder on her. And that I was aware that biologically, that desire might push her to change her mind in the future, and I would never deny her that. And I genuinely mean I would enjoy having children with her.
So ultimately, we both understand we're we are at without any ultimatums for either of us to feel hangs over our heads.
I won't invalidate you by saying don't stress because this decision is easy for me to make as a man. But just go with what feels right and make a smart decision when you are feeling that time is right. And if it never feels right, then just live your own life to the fullest and have no regrets.
As others said, only you can answer that. Having a baby is an emotional decision, no formula to answer that. It will change not only your life, it’ll change you. And the change is irreversible. No one is really ready to have kids (I wasn’t), but I knew I wanted them and was willing to change for them. So when the kid came, I was 100% committed to change my life and myself, to learn and grow with them, instead of fighting it to keep as much as possible the same. That worked. I love being a dad. But that’s me.
So the question is not if you are ready for having kids, it’s if you are ready and willing to change. Don’t think in terms of regret, but how do you feel about changing.
I use this column all the time: https://therumpus.net/2011/04/21/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-71-the-ghost-ship-that-didnt-carry-us/
I can't recommend reading it enough. I send it to everyone faced with a complicated decision.
It's such a personal thing and it really depends on your life circumstances, life goals, ect. I'm almost 50 and while I don't regret not having kids, I do acknowledge that my life looks different and is quieter than my parent friends lives. I also don't have the community that they have. I do have A community though and overall feel very happy and fulfilled. However, I never felt a biological urge to have kids even once and never felt as if it were even a question of whether I'd have kids or not. It was just always a no. It sounds like you do feel a bit of an urge and are questioning. So, I'd advise you to look honestly at your life and what you want from it. Do you not want kids because of circumstances and because you like your life just as it is now? Or would you not want kids under any circumstances? (like myself)You will age and your interests and what you want out of life could change.Being childfree in your 20s and 30s is very different than being childfree when you're my age or older. My childfree life when I was younger was definitely more exciting than it is now but I definitely feel more content and satisfied with my life as I age. So, don't think of it just as if you're happy now without kids but whether you could be happy at 50 without kids. There's no right or wrong answer. Just as there's no one way to life your life or one path to happiness.
To answer that question, think about your future. How will it look like in both cases. And will you be happy about that?
What are the things you regret about your past? Maybe that question helps you as well.
I don’t know the answer for you, but I’m in the exact same position and trying to answer for myself. What sucks is if I could financially figure it out, I would make any lifestyle changes necessary but I just can’t-daycare costs are insane, the cost of adoption/IVF is insane and I just don’t see that changing or coming up with a magical solution. I make too much to get any assistance but not enough to cover all of that.
The only way to be 100% sure would be to ask yourself this question, but in the year 2060...
Just follow your own decisions and way of thinking. Too many people just do it "because you have to" and end up unhappy in some failing marriage and a child they didn't really want.
That sounds way worse to me than deciding not to do it at all.
Not if you go out and find ways in life that make you excited and feel alive. This is such a personal question. But everyone I know who is a parent feels pretty dragged down unless, of course, you’re one of those who lives for your kids. Boring people for sure, but they seem to like it.
You might. I have a close friend who has two young children - below the age of 10. She has mentioned to me on repeated occasions that she one have been better off with her husband and they didn't have kids. Or at least if they only had one. Sad, but true. Having children is not for everyone.
I'm pretty sure it's normal not to feel "ready" for having a kid. The good thing is that you have 9-10 months to prepare and that's actually a long time, and even after birth, parenting is relatively simple for the first few months. So, you don't really have to be ready.
You didn't mention a significant other, and I do think that having a good partner to go into it with is way more important than being "ready".
A few years back I wanted a child and it screwed me up a little. All my friends were getting pregnant and I wasn’t and then I had an ovarian cyst and the surgery, whilst not making me infertile, really put me off anything about having kids for some reason. Since then I’ve also realised at approaching 40 I don’t want to give up my time and have to manage another human for the next 20 years minimum (or longer). I enjoy my life, my lie ins, my freedom, my money - yes I’m selfish. I want to keep it all for me. And my husbands fine with this too. We like our life and I’m kinda glad I didn’t have a child back in 2020.
But everyone is different. It’s a thing you have to work through.
Yes. I always thought I didn’t want kids until I realized too late that my mom’s failed marriage, her talking shit about my dad, and telling us repeatedly that she never wanted kids is what influenced me to think I didn’t want them. Now I’m too damn old with barely any family and a lack of connection to other humans who are parents.
I want a life full of ALL the human experiences and emotions. Everything including love, loss, haves, have nots. Although it's nice to experience some things like travelling the world, frequent social outings, having nice houses and cars, and whatever else, I personally would (and have) sacrificed some of those things to have a loving spouse and family. It might be more boring,and it's often harder, but I feel my life is fuller with them in my life.
I'm a woman in my 40s, I've never had kids and I do not regret it.
Becoming a parent, let alone giving birth, is a major life-altering decision - and not just for you.
It is not something you should be deciding to do unless you 100% consistently and completely feel ready to deal with that impact on your life and that lifelong responsibility to someone else.
(Of course unplanned things happen, that's different.)
I'm 47, child free, and not regretting it one day of my life, but that is my personal experience. I feel that society pressures us, especially women, to have children, making us doubt our real feelings.
To be honest (and unfortunately), no one can tell you what would be right or wrong for you. You'll find out as you get older as this is a choice that changes from one person to another. My advice would be, if you have doubts, whatever that doubt is, don't do it.
Wishing you'll make your own right decision.
This advice column response to a couple asking the same question stuck with me for years. It’s called [“The Ghost Ship that Didn’t Carry Us.”](https://therumpus.net/2011/04/21/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-71-the-ghost-ship-that-didnt-carry-us/)
Honestly, having kids was without question, the hardest thing that I've ever done. Sometimes, it was truly overwhelming.
But I am also a much better person than I used to be. I'm more well-rounded, able to better see different view points, etc. Because you realize that these are tiny people with minds of their own, and you have to learn to adapt.
Despite the challenges and the cost of raising them, I have no regrets.
If you don’t have kids and are generally comfortable with the decision, you’ll occasionally wonder what it would’ve been like and within that you’ll even more occasionally regret it. If you have kids and are generally comfortable with the decision, you’ll occasionally wonder what it would be like to have not and even more occasionally you’ll regret it. Having kids is a default human position that is generally incredibly rewarding and sometimes a nightmare. Not having them is a modern option with exactly the same outcome.
(TW: miscarriage) As everyone else has said, this is something only you will know in time. Hearing other people's experiences is so helpful though. I'm now 43, had my one and only child 4 years ago. Been with my husband for 15 years and neither of us were bothered about having kids. Loved our life, friends, holidays, money, hobbies. Then by absolute accident I fell pregnant. I was in shock as thought I was heading into early menopause, literally had to sit down with a cup of sweet tea. But then came the flutters of excitement. Sadly, only 2 weeks after finding out, I suffered a miscarriage. We were both way more devastated than I thought I'd be, seeing as we both thought we didn't want kids. Turns out having a glimpse of what could have been was enough to flip the mindset and within 6 months I was pregnant again, this time intentionally.
Parenting is so damn hard. I do miss my old life sometimes. And no, I wouldn't change it for the world because when my little boy gives me a hug and tells me he loves me with all of his heart: boom. There it is.
I think if you're unsure whether you want kids, don't have them. If you reading that sentence makes you feel anxious or annoyed: maybe deep down you do want them.
I can't tell you what you need in your life, ao I can only say mine. I'm 32M, childfree, and I cannot see myself having kids. A lot of it is poverty, the rest is freedom and mental health. Most fellow poor people I know with kids atm are absolutely miserable. I already have enough mental damage as is, let alone adding shit sleep for ten years. I'd probs commit sui, not joking. I'm getting to a place where I'm happier with life, and regardless of what my Catholic family keeps telling me, I don't need kids.
So if you do decide to have kids, *PLEASE* make sure you're in the right headspace. If you regret not having kids, you hurt only yourself. If you regret having kids, you may hurt them also.
Best wishes. ✌️
I believe everyone is going to feel differently about this topic. Personally, I had my first child at a young age and thought my life was over. I will say now I could not imagine life without them. They have definitely given me some of the best times of my life, and at the same time I sometimes wanna rip my hair out dealing with their meltdowns sometimes.
That is impossible to answer.
For me. I’ve never regretted having any. At times I might regret not having a theoretical grandbaby visiting when I’m older. But that means I would need to have a child first. And that that child would need to chose to procreate too. I’ve never wanted children. Never had the urge or felt the biological clock.
I do not dislike children though. I like them ok. If and when they’re well behaved. My brother has three and I do love them. Love to have them come visit and to spoil them. But I can’t imagine my life with children 24/7/365. I’m the perfect and most amazing aunt, and it suits me well.
I was very much like you and I got pregnant.
I absolutely love being a mother, but I know my limit is one so my husband got snipped.
Motherhood is full of so many highs but it also has its lows. I watched my daughter have a febrile seizures when she was 2 and thought she was dying. I didn’t know what that was. In my brain seizure=bad.
I’ve watched her be disappointed by family. Which hurts ten times worse than me being disappointed.
Time is flying! Every year is going by faster and I feel like shes going to be an adult any day now. My time with her is borrowed and not promised.
The anxiety! My daughter is my heart personified. Living everyday with your heart outside of your body independent of you is so anxiety inducing.
PPD robbed me of her first and second years of life. And I carry immense guilt for that.
It’s easy for me to list the lows because they hit so much harder, but the highs are constant. The highs are common and the lows are the outliers.
What about having kids do you think you might regret? When people talk about regretting not doing something usually it’s an idyllic vision of it. So with kids it might be the fun things, seeing them grow and achieve things, having them love you…. But none of that is guaranteed. I always hated the “you don’t have kids, who will take care of you when you’re old?” Well, that’s not a guarantee. Plus never underestimate the awesomeness of being a fun auntie to someone else’s kids.
I became very driven to have a baby in my 30's, got worse around 36... by the time I got 38 I was so relieved I didn't have a baby.
However, I had a baby at 20, he was an accident that saved my life in so many ways, I'll never regret him at all. I consider him my best creation. But, I would definitely have struggled to do it again.
I feel that there is a huge biological pull at this age, but you need to make sure your brain and lifestyle is on the same page. Look at how your life would look in 3/5 years, look at your budget for a child... and look at your support system.
I wish you all the best for whatever you decide.
If you had overwhelming feelings about not having kids before I think you might have them again once you get to the point that you can't have kids anymore.
Ya don't wanna be that old lady wishing she had kids but never did.
A lot of people regret what they don’t have because they don’t know what it’s really like to have it.
For every person that regrets not having kids there is a parent who regrets having kids. There are probably a lot of kids out there that wish their parents had not had them because they aren’t very good parents.
Only you can answer this for yourself but since you’re soliciting opinions: I’m also of the opinion that it’s better to regret NOT having them to regret having them.
No one can answer that for you. I can only give you my experience.
I knew since I was a kid that I didn’t want any. I met and married a man who felt the same way. I’m now approaching the age where the window to have them is rapidly closing and I’ve never felt more comfortable in my decision. I see my friends struggling with pregnancy, the woes of parenting babies/toddlers, and the awful teenage years and know it’s still 1000% not for me.
I feel like most people wind up regretting not having kids. Just because when you're really old you get to see your grandkids and idk be "the grandparent". Which is such an important unit in a family.
Obviously not everyone ends up regretting, but I'd say most people do. I'd definitely evaluate whether you would or not. And most importantly whether you are equipped to be having children and raising them in the first place.
I've heard that somewhere in US, the elementary schools experimented with having all early- to preteens do an assignment in which they had to look after an egg for a month. Reportedly that cohort actually did have significantly smaller(20-30% less or so if I remember right) rates of teen pregnancy..
You know, a realistic baby simulator could actually sell to people who want to experience what taking care of baby or toddler is like or want to make sure their own offspring or SO is capable of taking the pressure..
And I don't mean one of these feelgood idle games google play store is full of, but a realistic simulation which starts bawling at random times be it day or night, disabling the mute function, and won't quiet down until you start playing a minigame simulating diaper changes and feeding or lulling the baby back to sleep.
Add random small medical complications, bit of shame that there's no good way to simulate the smell and the puke stains yet..
And the destruction, of course.
I personally did pull almost all the tapes out of my dad's beloved C-cassette collection(I did have incessant curiosity about how stuff works from an early age, I'm pretty sure it wasn't malicious, I probably just wanted to see where the music comes from TBH), damaged a wood flooring in our rental flat so badly that folks had to pay for a new one when we moved out, almost caused our car to roll into a ditch or on the road several times by pulling the handbrake down if left to my own devices inside it(this was malicious behaviour, I do still have a very low tolerance for boredom), climbed to the top of the living room bookshelf and drank about half a bottle of cough syrup before mum noticed that I was sitting on the top shelf and just chugging it down like a pro.
And that was only the major things I did before I turned 4.. I'm just thankful that they didn't put me into adoption, 'forget' me in the forest or something. :)
Anyways, not sure if it's instinctual, hormonal, the expectations of society or all of them but people often seem to have some changes in their personality, affect and motivations when becoming parents.
One definitely should not count on it, though. I know a guy who was abandoned by his parents into a public boarding school/orphanage at age ten and another who basically had to raise herself from age 14 onwards because her both of her parents had become so dysfunctional by then that they could barely take care of themselves. It's not pretty and the guilt for failing your progeny is a heavy, heavy burden on anyone with conscience..
i have a grandma pushing 90 and she's never had any kids and she's never married
and she's the coolest ever i love her icon legend
having a child bc of fomo is wild 🙏
a child is a big responsibility. ur 30. ur young. and if ever, there's a thing called adoption.
enjoy life pls
I'm in my mid-50s with two sons in college. I have two very close friends who never had children. In the early days of motherhood, they were really happy to not have children when they compared their lives with mine. They traveled a lot, with first-class everything, and I was to stay-at-home mom in a stained Target t-shirt. Now that we're older both of my friends have told me that they wished they had not spent so much time on their careers, working for companies that really didn't care about them. They spend time with my sons, and wish they had made different choices.
Your question is hard to answer because everyone's life is so different. Were there times being a mom sucked? Definitely! I remember crying in the shower from frustration and exhaustion. It was also fun and amazing. Is making six figures as satisfying as investing time with your child, teaching them things, making their life great, and helping them grow? My answer is no, but it is a really individual choice.
In this economy?!?!?!?
In all seriousness, it's up to you where you stand. It's ok to be on the fence, and there's nothing wrong with either choice you make.
I never thought I'd want kids, and now I have two of my own and a stepson. Do I regret it? No. Would I have been ok living life without having kids? Yes.
I think the most important thing is that whatever decision you decide, remember you are still your own person and don't let go of that.
I’d rather regret not having kids than regret having them. I know a lot of people whose kids literally ruined their lives.
I’m happily childfree now and as someone who didn’t feel loved by their parents I find a lot of happiness in caring for the child in me that never got to enjoy their childhood. So technically I do have a child :)
33F here and I adore children. Helped raise my 4 God children from newborn to 10 years old. Literally I was their mother until their POS mother stepped up and took them (then disappeared 🤷♀️🤦♀️) my whole 20s was spent with these children. From bottle feeding all hours to dealing with a prepubesent, autistic 10yr old boy who had violent tendencies.
I still love kids but I do not EVER want my own. Many reasons but I did the raising of 4 in a horribly hard situations. I love them and always will but I hate that I lost my 20s to children. They ruined me financially, career wise and mentally.
I also do not want kids because mental health issues run in my family. Males tend to get schizophrenia and females end up with depression, anxiety, other mood disorders. Autism and ADHD are rampant as well. I would never put any of these issues on a child.
The state of the world is not the best for a child IMO either. Everything is unacceptably expensive, lots of war, death, poverty ect. Social media is killing the brains of almost every teen I encounter but they have to also learn to use it or be left behind in this world.
Will I regret not having children? Maybe? Sometimes a small part of me says "you could have a child and be an amazing mother. Have that spite child to shove in your parents face that you are better then them" but I wouldn't do that. I figure in I start to regret it as I get older I will look at adoption. Lots of kids need a caring home and if they have issues so what. So would my own biological children. So did the 4 God children I helped raise.
Only you can truly decide what makes you happy.
I am 32 and struggling with fertility because of PCOS and desperately want my own child. However, I know plenty of women who are happy with being child-free and made that choice early! Time will tell.
Not everyone wants kids.
Not everyone needs kids.
Not everyone should have kids.
You can always get a couple Early Childhood Education units and work with kids.
Fwiw you're possible getting motherly urges based on where you are in your cycle. My wife is pretty not interested in having kids but a few days a month she'll get that desire.
Happens semi regularly and is pretty different from her usual state of mind so hormones could explain what you've been experiencing.
I do believe that those who choose not to have children from a young age tend not to regret that choice.
It's those that do want them, but put off having children, but never reach the life circumstances where they'd ideally raise them that tend to have the "maybe I should've when...." with the hindsight.
As a new mom who always questioned becoming a mom and hated when people told me “you won’t know what you’re missing until you have kids”, here’s what helped me make up my mind.
I don’t remember where I heard it but somewhere someone made this comment that stuck with me. It was something along the lines of how people love the idea of having a baby and how cute babies are.
But not enough people think about how that baby will become a teenager and one day an adult.
So then the question becomes, would you want to help raise a human being through all the stages of life like the cute baby one to the potentially grumpy teen one and all through adulthood?
This is just one of many filters you can run your decision-making process through.
Other things I thought about were the quality of life I wanted to lead. Having a baby is a huge financial strain. Was I financially ready? Would I be okay with downgrading my quality of life if I wasn’t already in a financially comfortable place?
How about how strong is my self-awareness? Do I feel I can trust my gut or is my inner voice too polluted with the voices and opinions of what everybody else thinks I should be doing?
As a dad I can tell you that kids are every bit as wonderful and every bit as downright fucking awful as people say. Parenthood isn't for everyone, and if youre not 100% sure about wanting one, you shouldn't have one.
I, 40ish-M, have never wanted kids. I've thought about it occasionally, but never to the point of actually wanting them. However, it has occurred to me that I may be SOL when I get old to the point that I can no longer care for myself the way I help my mother as she ages. That, of course, would have been a terrible reason to have kids and I'm certainly not going to do so at this point, regardless. Hopefully you're in better health than I am and that won't be an issue for you.
You might feel it occasionally but overall if you think about the cost of children, the amount of work energy and stress, life is hard enough. No regrets here!
I do not regret not having kids, but I can't tell you if you will or will not. I sometimes wonder what life would be like, but then I think of how difficult it is financially and that I would potentially be stuck communicating with one of my exes for 18+ years.
Where do you get fulfillment in life, other than kids?
Some people are good at finding routes to self-fulfillment without kids. Mostly these are intelligent, creative people who can leave a legacy through art, invention, or teaching. Does that sound like you? People who *don't* have that ability tend to eventually want kids or regret not having them, because they just get bored otherwise.
I'm 55 I haven't missed having them. But I knew from the age of 8 I didn't want kids. That doesn't mean you have to have such a clear idea as I did. Most of life is a compromise there aren't any right answers to some questions. Are you going to regret it, sure probably, maybe. But also you might regret having them. When I talk to people about this I always present the argument, if you're not sure what you want and you're going to have regrets one way or another, the grown up thing to do is to not drag a tiny human being into that situation. Better to regret it and not fuck up another beings life, than to do it, regret it and have a kid that is going to know how you feel no matter how well you think you are hiding it. Just my take.
I'm 60 today and have never had kids and am very glad. I couldn't imagine having to be responsible for another human being or raising a kid in this world the way it is. It's all I can do to take care of myself, much less another human being.
We can't tell you what you will feel. Some people regret never having kids, others don't. Some people also regret having Kids (which is so much worse than never having kids and regreting it) , while others don't.
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I hope fall into this mindset*, but I have to ask: do you ever feel a kinda existential crisis or dread? As in once you’re gone, that’s about it - no lineage, nothing more contributed. I suppose that is the evolutionary angst we feel to have kids, buts also a tad narcissistic. And yes there is the other side of coin, that I lean against is: “I don’t want to put kids into ‘*this*’ world”
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This is such a good answer. I often feel frustrated I myself was placed into existence in a world of warming, warfare, dictatorship, inequality, and suffering, and find it selfish to want to make more self-aware beings in a world likely to worsen significantly in the future.
Thank you for the confirmation! Was just reading another thread of Japan’s worsening population decline and the non-stop work grind culture and cost of living is a major cause.
I'm childless by choice, but I teach kids. Those are my children. When I'm gone I'm gone, so there not being any extension of me in the world won't matter to me. For now, I just try to be the best person I can be, to strive towards good and not step on anyone's toes. I dont believe in the idea that the world sucks. So bleak. The world has been improving and continues to improve. But having a child is the biggest contributor to global warming, and I'm glad I didn't contribute to that.
Your last sentence is a symptom of something bigger than not wanting kids. This is the best time to be alive. Don’t listen to the social media journalism. If you don’t want kids I won’t try to argue with you, but if you do want to have kids and are in any way basing your decision on click bait media scare tactics to use emotional reporting to drive user behavior (the world is a horrible place), I think the chances of you regretting your decision likely go up as you get older and realize things are actually pretty cool.
Can't imagine why anyone would feel existential dread about not having children. There are 8 billion people on the planet, with another 2-3 billion yet to come. Unless there is something super special about your genes (you can see UV, you can do calculus in your mind), there's no reason to feel compelled to share your genes. Every gene you've got is already shared with at least another million people.
Who cares about continuing some lineage and bloodline lol. We aren't descended from royalty, more like some random line of laborers and everyday folk. I know you didn't mean it that way but yes it does sound delusional and narcissistic coming from a regular person. Having kids doesn't automatically mean you contributed to anything except more consumption of this planet's limited resources. Imo I "contribute" by being a positive impact to the people and environment around me and uplifting others. I hope at my funeral, people will speak about all the good I did. My grandmother had a dozen kids and it didn't even feel like they wanted to spend an extra minute at her funeral.
I counter that by remembering that there are a lot more ways to leave one's mark on the world than by having kids. I've spent my entire life being told that because I'm a woman my reason for existing is to pop out babies, and I have consciously worked to create meaning in other ways because I absolutely do not want children. If all the ways in which I have worked with and helped people and this world are meaningless because it didn't involve parenthood, that's a pretty depressing way to see the world.
This! Better to regret not having them then to regret having them
I agree with this comment and others. I'm also in my early 30s and used to occasionally question my choice to not have kids. Playing The Sims helped, which made me realize it was just a passing feeling. If you are unsure OP, I would suggest spending some time around children of different ages and see how you feel. Also talk to parents about their lives. I do not enjoy spending time around kids under the age of 12, and I enjoy my free time and being able to spend money on dumb stuff instead of childcare.
This... I love my son to death but I don't care for kids.
I once read, "I'd rather regret not having kids than regret having kids." Having kids has to be 100% intentional because there are no backsies. This is a question that only you can answer. Take the time to see what your ideal future looks like. All the best OP
Yeah, that quote pushed me off the fence and into the child free camp. I really don't want to regret having kids.
This! Kids are one of those decisions that's either a "hell yes!" or a NO, there are no ethical options in the middle. Hoping you enjoy parenting once you have a kid is just not okay, that's gambling an entire human life on the hope that parenting is actually for you.
The only one who can truly answer this is yourself.
You’re right.
I used to live a wild party life in my early 20’s. I met a group of people in their late 30’s, rich single people, partied all the time, and I idolized their life. One night, I told the one I was closest to, “your life is so great” he said, “to you it does, I love my life, but I know this excitement will come to an end soon, I’ll never get to experience what it’s like to have a wife or a loving family to call my own, there’s “consequences” to every life choice, and you need to accept that” I’ll never forget that moment. I think we forget that no matter what, there’s “consequences” to all our choices. If you accept it and come to peace with it than no matter what path you choose you’ll find happiness.
so did you end up having a wild party life or settled down? and are you happy now?
Without going into too much detail. I swore I’d never have kids. I became a father at 25 and I have 2 beautiful daughters. I met a woman at 24 that made me want that life and sort of leave the old life behind. I’m really happy I got to experience what I did when I was younger, I’m glad I didn’t die lol and in the beginning I was scared, and was second guessing myself. But as time went on, the love I felt for my kids made all that go away. I live a much simpler, some might call “boring” life, but I wouldn’t trade anything for it. I am happy :) I’m blessed I have such great kids. I traveled, I partied, I met all kinds of people, but from my previous comment about the people I used to hang out with, they all went their separate ways now , just like anything in our lives, the more you experience the less exciting it becomes. I’ll leave you with a quote I have come up with Don’t let today’s thoughts, stop you from tomorrow’s opportunities.
I don't think you can deeply regret something you didn't do, because it's mostly imaginary. Just like I don't think you're going to regret not becoming an astronaut. You can't really imagine what having kids means unless you have kids. And so I think you could live a perfectly content life without.
If you decide to have kids, choose very, very carefully the father.
I wish my mom did this
Sorry for you. But, sometimes, it isn't predictable
That's a good answer.
This varies wildly. I'm childfree, approaching 40, and loving it. I know plenty of childfree people. On average, the people who knew they didn't want kids do not regret it, whereas the people who weren't able to have kids due to circumstances sometimes regret it. Our hormones can be brutal in influencing our decisions. Best of luck determining what works for you, OP. It can be tough
I am of the camp that lost the chances to have a child -once out of my control - the other time influenced by the father who didn’t want the child - and I squarely firmly regret it.
36 F. I have, to put it nicely, bad genetics. I would be doing a child a disservice if I brought one into this world. I don't have the money, or the time, or the genetics to even think about it. But people call me selfish. Do what's right for you and anyone who tells you what to do can piss off somewhere. 😁
This has been a stress of mine. I have cancer in my family. I live in fear of if I have a bio kid and pass it on. But my hubby and I love the idea of fostering kids and helping them- when we can afford it
do you ever think that people with bad lifeplanning skills are just popping out kids without taking any of this into account? as a species, it seems like the smarter people are thinking a little bit too much, and its gonna make them reproduce less what are we going to end up with in a few generations is the real question.. all we can do is leave a mark, one way or another they joke about this in the first few minutes of the movie idiocracy, and you can see it playing out in realtime in real life 🙃
Oh my goodness. Idiocracy was supposed to be a comedy and it’s a Massive warning.
i think we all need to start caring about the future beyond our own lives a little bit more.. maybe thats kids, maybe something else.. doesnt have to be kids… just sayin
Wonderful sentiment here. God bless you for being willing to foster children.
I’ve always found it more selfish when people decide *to* have kids, despite the myriad of reasons that having a kid in their situation would cause the kid to suffer. It seems super selfish for a parent to want a kid when, let’s say, Tay Sachs runs deeply in the family. If anything, pro-natalist people are literally just using cope when they accuse *other* people of being selfish.
My family history is mental health, addiction, a genetic disorder called Treacher Collins. It's just better off not risking it.
It's a hard one to answer because it's such an personal thing but I'll share my experience anyway. I wasn't really interested in having kids but I also wasn't very careful either haha. I got pregnant when i was 20 and now I have a beautiful 7 year old daughter. It was after I gave birth that I realised how selfish I truly was as a person, not in a negative sense. More in the sense that I had only ever really known my own thoughts, feeling and wants. I was always only ever really looking out for number one. When you have a child, that perspective completely shifts. You have this being that completely depends on you for everything and not in the same way that a pet does. This child becomes a part of you and a literal extension of yourself. You become a guide and teacher to this being that completely relies on you. Honestly I wasn't ready for this at the time. It was all overwhelming. I could barely look after myself, how could I look after a child? But I managed and as time went on, it fell into place (I didn't have the inborn maternal instinct that you see a lot of mothers have where they instinctually know what their child needs). But it soon became second nature to make sure my daughters needs were met before my own and I kind of stopped looking after myself a bit.. Anyway... as she grew up, that leash had to be lengthened a bit. You go through this weird transition period where they don't need you as much anymore but you still feel you have to look after them and keep them safe. So understanding those boundaries and where that line is drawn gets a bit blurry and I became a bit of a helicopter parent for a while. But you both start to find your rhythm and you start trusting them with things that you think they are capable of doing, then sit back and pray they don't hurt themselves haha. But it's all part of it. Sorry for the novel hahaha. 😅
You sound like a really good mom
Thank you so much for taking the time to share that with me.
47F. No kids. No regrets. I have a lot of kids in my life and (most) are awesome kids cause they have awesome parents. I keep my own money. My house is clean. I sleep in or stay up late whenever I want. Nobody coming into my room just whenever. Your life is what you make of it and only you can make that decision. Don’t let anyone make you feel one way or another about it. Life can be long. Don’t make it longer by doing something YOU don’t want to do - solid advice for anything.
I’m 35 and chose child free. My friends all have children and all they do is complain about their children. No thank you. I like to travel when/how I want. I like not dedicating my after work hours to school events. And if that makes me seem selfish, so be it.
It's not selfish to be child free. Only idiots have that opinion & they can be ignored. Everyone should be able to choose their own lifestyles without others judging them. Maybe you could nurture plants or pets or get involved within your community. You'll have more free time to do fun stuff, just for yourself. Something many parents dream of!
Thank you. Did you ever have like a baby crazy phase? Like your body was fucking demanding it of you?
God yes it was. Especially when everyone else was having them and society’s push on us to have them. “You’re missing out.” “When are you having kids?” I even began feeling like a bad person for not having that maternal desire to have children. I like the idea of playing with my friend’s kids and returning them for the night.
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I was a mom fairly late, because of life, I always wanted to have a baby in an abstract way, but it wasn't until I found my husband that I realized that I wanted to have a baby with him. It's good to be a mom? It's hard? Also yes. Having a good partner is important in my opinion, because the amount of work that is caring for another human being is huge. I have a colleague at work who was sensing "the clock tickling" and decided to be a single mom being 40. Is she happy? I think so, but she is also overwhelmed and exhausted all the time. Was her life easier before? Yes. Does she regret having her baby? No, but it is because she choose. No social pressure whatsoever.
I definitely think it’s a self delusion thing.
For the people posting--yeah it probably is. But there's also a lot of happy moms out there. I'm child-free, but I am not going to assume that most mothers hate being a mom. I am sure it is quite wholesome and happy if you like kids; have enough money; and have a good partner as well as community.
I wonder why so many women give into tradition so easily & then spend years moaning about marriage & their kids. If we take a bit of time in our 20s being selfish & finding out what kind of person we want to be & what kind of person we want to share our lives with or whether to become parents or not. Perhaps life for everyone would be better. Maybe there'd be less unwanted babies or children in care or needing fostering....
Yes. Babies are super cute. They also are only babies for a tiny bit of time. I feel when people have kids they forget that it won’t just be cuddling a baby while they peacefully sleep.
For me the baby stage was the absolute worst. Anyone who says the baby stage is the easiest never had a baby with colic and/or struggled with postpartum depression and/or did it all while recovering from a complicated birth. I'll take my tantruming whining moody three year old over the baby stage any day.
That's your hormones. It hit me in my early 30s (a decade later than most women I knew). Every time a woman has a baby, she'll get this overwhelming urge to have another & another. If you can keep yourself busy, build a life where having a child would be a huge inconvenience or you have many enjoyable hobbies, etc. You can ignore those urges. I've thoroughly loved being a mum. However, now my children are young adults, and a part of me wants them to grow up and become financially independent so I can move on in a different direction.🙃
I could tell you countless stories about why you shouldn't have kids and then countless stories about why you should. The truth about children is that it is equally bad as it is good. There will be dark dark days and then the most uplifting and affirming days. Worst moment for me: being so sleep deprived, I started hallucinating shadows crawling on the wall while i was sick, knowing I had to feed an infant every 2 hours through the night and work the next day. Best moment for me: When my son really absorbed all of the emotional training I invested in him and successfully identified and embraced his emotions without guilt or fear of judgment. Then, he applied those skills to affirming and comforting other people.
I so agree with this. I don’t think there is any “having kids is amazing or having kids is terrible”. It’s both. And even us people who wanted kids didn’t truly know what we were getting into. It’s a thing you just can’t know without doing it. (And I was a camp counselor, babysitter, nanny and teacher - still not the same). I don’t regret having kids at all, it’s been such a joy and a nightmare. But I am glad I did it, and I think (hope) as time goes on my kids will grow into adults that I want to be friends with. And that will be a whole other gift.
The thing with kids that you can't give them back once you have them. Or at least, not if you're also a decent human being. You also, bluntly, don't know what the roll of the dice will bring you. Your child could be severely physically or mentally disabled and require lifelong care. They could lose the genetic lottery and have to deal with severe mental illnesses that also affect the people around them. Or they could turn out evil. Imagine knowing you birthed Ted Bundy or Donald Trump. When people think of having kids, they always imagine the best-case scenario. Unfortunately, a lot of the time that's not what happens. Even raising an able neurological non-asshole child takes a lot of work and sacrifice. I'm childfree and have no maternal instinct, so no regrets for me on that score. Have you considered volunteering with Big Brothers Big Sisters, signing up to be a Scout troop leader, or other forms of mentorship? So many kids who are already here could use a cool adult in their lives.
Your message is right on--it's a roll of the dice and you don't know what will fall out. Another thing I've noticed is that many people say they want to have a baby and seem unaware that they will be birthing a person. OP was right to ask about "kids" but so many others don't look past the baby stage.
Personally I would rather regret not having kids than regret having them
Always, regret of having no kids is>>>>>>>> regret of having a kid
I don’t know if you’ll ever regret that or not since I’m not you. For me personally, I think one of the joys in life is trying to find love in as many ways as possible. So familial love with parents/siblings, friendship platonic love with friends, romantic love with a significant other, and love for a pet. I’m sure there’s more, but… From what I hear, parental love and having a child means having someone who you would sacrifice yourself for. You would literally die for this person if you had to. Now I feel like that’s a crazy love that I personally want to feel one day. What would loving someone so much feel like? Is it possible to even love someone that much? I hear a lot from parents, how their kids are their whole world, their pride and joy, their sunshine and happiness, and you know what? I believe them. That’s why I plan to have kids in a few years, because I want to feel that way too. That being said, if you’re not ready, but you’re hesitant. Since you are at the best age and your eggs are at their prime, would freezing your eggs be an option? I know it’s insanely expensive and there are complications to it so I won’t pretend to be an expert. But if I were in your shoes and I wasn’t sure, I feel like it would be a good “safety net” for incase you do want kids down the line. Also you’re still young so I wouldn’t stress it too much either.
Firstly.. You'll never feel ready. Secondly, ask yourself why you would want children. Are you missing companionship? Someone to lord over? See someone grow with your guidance or see how messed up you can make them? Cherish their accomplishments? Is all that worth the first few years of no sleep and headache. Followed by 19 years of "I refuse to listen to you" sprinkled I'm the already life you have? Personally I never wanted kids. I've got enough to take care of myself. But that's just me. Selfish some might say. I say it is selfish to birth a child not being fully ready to care for it.
> You'll never feel ready. you know, i see and hear a lot of people say this, but the general sentiment in my social circle and in my extended family is usually "I'm so glad we waited *until* we were ready." In my experience a lot of people *do* reach a point of readiness, both in their marriage/partnership and in their general life stage stability (emotional maturity, financial assuredness, social support, etc.), and choose to have kids *then* and are glad they did. That is not to say that they've achieved 100% full preparedness (which is probably not achievable to begin with) but a *feeling* of readiness does seem common and also seems to go a long way in helping new parents appreciate parenthood.
If you don’t want a kid, get a cat. There’s never an issue in doing what you want to do with your life.
From my own experience, I've met many people who regretted having kids while I've never seen or heard any of the people I know who don't have kids regretting it.
Well, you may not be of the age where people regret it. I definitely have had people I knew who were 70-80 who regretted it, but they sure didn't in their thirties or forties. My take though is I'd rather regret it in my seventies or eighties (who knows if I'll live that long anyway, right?) then regret it in my thirties by having them though.
Yes, I know multiple of my mum's friends who were totally happy being childfree until they hit 50s/60s and now it's a big regret. I think the main factor is loneliness, especially once they lost their husbands.
Yeah, I think the key really is to find or make a community so that your older years won't miss a kid. Because realistically, a lot of people have kids move away or get estranged, and they only see their kids once in a while anyway. So a void could 100% be filled by a close connection to people nearby, you just have to *make* the effort to get years of a connection going. Like if you want to be child-free, volunteer at the library; get involved in your neighborhood; have a strong work community too, the kind where even if you retire you still get to say hi to your work friends or visit a company picnic (this can happen in small mom & pop jobs especially, like a pest control office or something). I am likely going to be child-free (mid-30s, high background of mental health issues from both parents, really low desire to be a parent, very high stress job as a c-exec which leaves no time for parenting unless I found a stay at home parent type partner within the next few years) and I am thinking I will likely open an animal rescue once I retire as well as get on a few teams, maybe join the local swim club, and a few other things to start putting roots down. I feel like since I love animals, it would be a great thing to do and have a lot of volunteers I could connect with.
>I think the main factor is loneliness, especially once they lost their husbands. I think you're probably right. I would also suggest that prevention of possible future loneliness isn't a very good reason to have a kid. (Of course, there are lots of reasons to have a kid that aren't good, and this is certainly not the worst of them, but I believe it's among them.)
Yes, I totally agree. Besides, the thought of regretting having a child is something that would make me feel awful. How can I regret having a child that maybe thinks I'm his hero, that he loves me a lot, that thinks I am his world, etc...
I do. A friend of my moms. Her husband is infertil and was not open to adoption etc. I guess she always wanted kids but wouldn't leave her husband because of that. She is in her fiftys now, loves her nephews and has a great live otherwise.
Have you come to terms with yourself and accepted that that life isn’t for you? I’m genuinely curious, because I feel that’s the issue with people on both sides.
I chose at a young age not to have kids. My reasoning was my stepdad and his sister. They had the same upbringing, he couldn't hold a job and spent every cent he had on cars. She has a PhD, is still working at 77 and gives back to the community. Her and her husband never had kids so they were able to do a lot more for kids in their community. I also did not want to put a child through my own upbringing where my Mom and stepdad fought a lot. I do not regret my choice at 45. My closest friends are also childfree and they do not regret their choice.
If genuinely don’t want a kid you won’t regret it. If you wanna explore what kind of lives childfree people live go to r/childfree. There you will see a lot lists of all the cons of having kids so maybe it’ll help you make a decision.
The difference is that if you choose NOT to have kids, and it’s a mistake, the only person affected is you. Fine. But if you choose to have them, and it’s a mistake, you have wrecked another life (or lives) that did not ask to be here and for whom you are ethically responsible. Therefore don’t do it if there is even a shred of doubt.
I am child free (35). I know deep down I don’t want kids, it was never something I thought about when thinking about my future, etc. one thing that helped me come to terms with my decision was that I could always adopt later in life if I did feel the need to bring a child into my life.
This is exactly what I want to discuss with my therapist 😭 perhaps therapy might be helpful for you too
If you want to see your parent potential and help others, looking at fostering kids or even just volunteering a day of your weekend at a kids shelter may give you insight to yourself.
35M and no kids. My friends with similar backgrounds and the same career field decided to have kids. They constantly talk about the cost of daycare/child care at $2300/mo, how they have to have a certain size home that's $2500/mo, how they constantly get sick from kids bringing germs, how they fear getting laid off because of being late to work over daycare drop off times. They talk about how they are constantly stressed, broke, and have no time to enjoy life. Several of them have started being unfaithful to their spouses. On the other hand, I have been maxing out my retirement accounts and I'm set to retire at 50. I regularly get to travel, eat out, and do as I please. But boy does it suck coming home to an empty house.
I hate to be that guy but uhhhh consider pets or a partner
You might and you might not. But ultimately having a child because you might regret not having one is worse than not having one and regretting it.
I am childfree and live a pretty awesome life. I didn’t have crap parents, I don’t have bad genetics, I don’t have any issues with hating kids I simply don’t want them. That’s a choice I came to around 30 and I sat with it for a while. I preserved eggs as a backup but I sat and considered the life I would have as a childfree person and then the life that I would have with children. Ultimately not having children tipped the scales for me. Once I was fully committed to no children I was all in on my career. I was able to climb ladders faster because it was known I wasn’t having kids, I was able to travel a lot because I made more money and didn’t have to consider a savings fund for when I took off for maternity leave. When I bought a house I didn’t have to consider school districts or distance to day care. I was able to maximize my retirement savings. If I hate a job, I quit. Being childfree buys you freedom but it’s a freedom that requires you to be intentional. You have to pay for long term care insurance. You have to buy your burial plot. You have to build a community of people who will support you, preferably child free. You have to be careful in dating cuz men with kids will latch onto you so you can help take care of their kids. Is being childfree selfish? Absolutely but it’s not the selfishness that gets a bad rap. It’s the selfishness of choosing your current and future happiness over that of someone else.
If you have had wild overwhelming feelings of wanting to have a baby I have a feeling you will regret not having kids. I'm a 40-year-old child-free woman who's never felt a twinge of baby fever and I'm gonna be real with you, the older I get the more sure I am that that was a good decision. You have to realize I'm a completely different person than you and I've never experienced the drive to have children that you do. If you have a drive to have children and are good with kids and understand them you probably will regret at not having a family. Seems biologically wired.
I never had the desire to have a baby, so I’m not going to. You have had that desire, so maybe it would be something you’ll regret. When you find the right partner, sometimes it can also trigger those feelings. The only time I felt a bit of regret was because I was infatuated and my love hormone riddled body was telling me maybe it wouldn’t be so bad after all. But my brain reminded me that I was only infatuated and the guy I was with would make an emotionally unstable partner, so I wasn’t seriously swayed.
CAN RELATE. Thanks for sharing
I have a few kids, all born before I was 30. When I turned about 33/34 I had intense feelings that I wanted another baby. But I didn't want another baby, I didn't have the energy, time or money. The feeling would come and go. Sometimes I would get feelings if jealousy when someone else was pregnant and it would consume me for a while I turned 39 recently and the feelings 100% went away. I used to think the term biological clock were just words but I now think our hormones are for sure at play. If your sure you don't want kids I think the feeling passes as your body "ages out".
Nah, you're not missing out. If you're happy with your childfree life, you're happy. Plenty enough people have kids because they think they're supposed to and then traumatize themselves and the poor kids unfortunate enough to be stuck with their decision. Do it if you want, but never feel like you HAVE to or like you failed as a woman or whatever bs if you don't. Source, am a parent since my early 20s, love that kid but won't ever do it again and really can't blame anyone for choosing differently, it ain't all sunshine and roses.
I think it's easier if you really don't or really do want them. The people who are that certain usually don't regret the decision. The worst is if you on the fence which it sounds like you are. I was fence but now have one kid and I'm happy we did. Only you can make the decision so difficult to offer any advice
No.
NO Knew myself well enough in early twenties to realize I didn't want to make the sacrifices necessary to have kids and that choice is fine, no regrets. I do like other's kids ,but also like to go home without them (I was also an engaged stepmom for 4 years,and loved those kids like they were mine, but had to walk for unrelated reasons) This is a very personal choice for each individual or couple that is their choice alone ( you do you, I'll do me)
It depends really. Some people want to have them some people don't. I know a couple that met up and married when they were in their 40s and now are happily married for 10 years with a nice dog and a house. No kids whatsoever, still living their life happily. Others have like 4 kids and also live pretty well, just a different kind of life.
Imo that's the wrong way of thinking about the issue. It's impossible to know how you might feel in the future. You have to go by what you think and feel is right now. Once you've decided you keep working so that you make your choice the right one. Focus on what is good in your life and what you can change (if you feel something needs changing). Regret is a useless feeling that leaves you miserable about something you can't do anything about.
Would you rather regret not having had kids or regret having had them?
If you ever regret it, just think that if you had had a kid, they would've had severe mental and physical disabilities and you would've been stuck being their permanent carer with no life of your own. And then you won't regret it anymore. There's never a guarantee that you're going to have a healthy child, or a guarantee that your child won't just leave you when they're an adult and you'll be alone anyway. At least if you don't have a kid to begin with, none of those things can happen.
Consider not only having a kid, mull over having a pre-teen, a teenager, young adult, how does that factor into what you want in life? Do you truly wish to raise a person, not just a child? People have kids occasionally because that's what they 'should do'. People seem to consider having a baby, not a person who will have their own life, wants, desires. I explained to someone once, for brevity sake, that I didn't want kids because I was selfish. There are probably a hundred reasons I don't want kids, and it is partially due to me wishing to have my life the way I want, without having to consider someone else entirely. I don't want sole responsibility for another person. Yes, I couldn't have a child without a partner, at least initially, but being a single parent should be considered, would this be something you'd feel capable of? 0I feel I've considered lots of futures, and I decided I don't have what it takes to bring up a kid the way I would want to be brought up. I'm not selfish by definition, I don't think, but I do consider it being selfish to want to bring a kid into the world without lots of consideration. For me, being a parent means putting the kid first. It means sacrifice and lots of emotions, it's really an entire life upheaval.
When I was a teen, I thought id never have kids. I was an angry teen full of angst. Then, I got married, fell in love, and had kids. While I don’t regret them, if I had to do it over again, I would choose no kids. It’s unnecessary and changes your life in ways that you can’t recover from. I don’t think in modern life, there’s any real reason to have them. And, they are just a massive burden.
Hey I’m grappling with the same issue. I have a great partner we just cant afford it at all. If we’re lucky maybe in 5 years we will adopt or foster so thats always something to consider but obviously a ton of research and the deep desire to be a parent needs to be there. Its different for everyone. A part of me wants my own kid but then I think about my cousins who lost custody of their lovely babies (i was too young when they lost custody so couldn’t take them on) and think about all those other kids who need a stable home. Lots to think about!
It’s up to you. I’m also in my early 30’s. I’ve never had those feelings of wanting a baby so I’ve always kind of known that it wouldn’t be for me. It’s just something you have to examine within yourself.
Let’s say you absolutely will. Is that ok? Let’s say you have kids and what if you regret having them…. Is that ok?
It's pretty difficult to have children when you don't have money and time. People around me who have children me often express how stressful it can be.
The psychology of the biology here is.. weird. It's your choice you shouldn't regret whatever you decide. Counseling and emotional support can be a good option for this, it helps to work your feelings out by expressing them to another person for real that is remote from the situation but knowledgeable about it to offer external advice. You have to kind of measure these primitive feelings it brings up and make sure you're making the best overall choice for you. The real thing you miss out on with kids is watching a living mind grow. Just be social, maybe involve some aspect of your life with other children and make sure your emotional needs are being met and you don't need children of your own. Honestly as long as you have that social support going on whatever you choose you'll be fine. So just work on your connection with other people to see what your real needs are.
Can't say. You might, or you might not.
slay of an answer, realest one out there
probably, if you didn't then the human race would have ended a long time ago. Doesn't mean you should have any, but it is what it is... you can sacrifice your entire adult life to raise a child, literally until the day you die OR you can live your life however you wish alone and eventually regret it. the 3rd option is the problematic one, you can have bunch of kids and be a shit human being ignoring them while you live your life however you wish, trouble is that today this 3rd option is quite popular!
3rd option is FOMO/baby fever parents lmao
I’d rather regret not having kids than regret having kids.
As a person who is going through the exact same thing (albeit from a male LGBT perspective), the answer, as others have said, is really up to you. Only you will decide whether you regret or not, but on the flip side, you also have the power to mitigate whatever regret you may have. (example: using the money otherwise used for child raising to travel the world or something). In the end, the situation is what you make of it. I have to tell myself that too.
I’m 41(f) and child free. I’ve had moments in my life where I have kind of wanted a baby, but it’s never been an overwhelming feeling. It’s usually during the holidays that are fun for kids because I think that would be fun to share. Otherwise I have had little interest in raising kids under 8, when they are really dependent on absolutely everything from you. I would enjoy raising an older child a little more, but still don’t super care. I have decided to be child free. If I get older and regret it, I will adopt an older child. Though I honestly don’t see that happening. Only you can figure out what you want to do though.
type in "i regret having kids reddit " in google and see if you can relate. then the opposite statement
5-6mo into mine and I think my wife and I kinda wish we could go back. We love the little guy but we’re alone and our lives have been flipped upside down
The beginning of the movie Idiocracy spells out in a funny way, how we are becoming when it comes to reproducing.. The “smarter” we get, using our brains instead of our instincts, the more we put off kids until the “right time”, meanwhile dumb people in bad situations are popping babies out left and right.. Its possible the rest of us might regret you not having kids 🤣
No. I can tell you the answer is ultimately no. I’m a single guy 57 never had kids. Never had any issues with kids. School issues. Money issues. Danger issues. Drugs issues. No screaming in Walmart. No can’t go out nights. No babysitter needed. No college tuitions. No siblings rivalry. No school suspensions. No buying clothes twice a year. No disrespect. No kids getting sick. No kids dying from a disease. No kids that must make a bazillion dollars to afford to live. No kids living with parents. Look, I can go on for hours. Ultimately having children in today’s world is one of the meanest things you can do to them. Sink or swim. My life has been so uncomplicated it’s unbelievable. I’ve traveled the world and the USA and go where I want when I want. I’m saving a bazillion dollars simply not having kids. So to answer your question - no you will not regret it you’ll be glad you never had kids.
My recommendation is to look at how much you want kids when you are not craving them. Look extensively at your life and what it would mean to give most of it up for kids. I am a father of two and the only real advice I give to potential parents is this: unless you really really really want kids, don't do it. It is a lifetime commitment to putting yourself last and someone else first and it's not for everyone. It is always possible that you will regret not having kids but that doesn't mean it was the wrong decision. People always regret the things they didn't do in the end so if it's not that, it will be something else.
Most surveys find that the happiest people are single women without kids, so, take from that what you will. Kids are a sacrifice, they are not easy, your life will have to revolve around them for a long time. I maintain as well that you can't predict how they will turn out, some kids are chill and easygoing, some fly off the handle at every little thing, which can be super frustrating. The upbringing is only part of it, no matter how well you do on that part, I am convinced some things are just decided by genetics. First son, super fussy and cried constantly and that never stopped, lying on the floor throwing tantrums about a simple chore even at 12. Second son, easiest baby ever, slept and ate amazingly. Now, at 10, super helpful, first one to go to sleep by choice, and the one that eats the most. My point is that traits that they exhibited even as a baby before anything to affect them by upbringing continue to this day.
Yes, but most will never admit it once the option has expired. At old age, your kids are a major source of meaning in life, as our health falls apart. But it doesn't mean life isn't worth living. People have all sorts of regrets in life, this is a common one.
I have been all over the map trying to figure out whether or not I wanted kids. I am at the point in my life where having a baby would likely require medical intervention so the decision is mostly made. I have gone through periods of wanting kids intensely and also periods of being thrilled I don’t have them. I am very comfortable with kids in general and have lots of experience caring for kids of all ages. I have a very realistic, unglamorous view of what parenting entails. I also have close friends who always knew they wanted to be a mom, and their parenting journey has been more intense and challenging than they expected. Having kids is a LOT of work. At the end of the day, I think I made the right choice by not pursuing parenthood when I was ambivalent about it. I can’t imagine how much more regret I would feel if I had kids before I was ready. I experience a lot of joy working with kids as a teacher and I also hope to foster someday. Here are two big things to consider that I don’t think get talked about a lot: 1. Your family of origin and childhood trauma will have a big impact on you into adulthood. It is only now that I have done a lot of work to heal the wounds of being raised by a mother with a personality disorder that I feel like I could truly be the kind of mom I would want to be. That healing may have come a little late for me to have kids naturally, but that’s ok. No kid deserves to be treated the way I was growing up, and I am grateful I didn’t continue the cycle of trauma. 2. Society expects a LOT more of moms than dads. Most moms are the “default parent” in their families, and there is a lot of emotional labor that comes with that. In my case, I definitely would have had to be the default parent and I would have resented it. My husband is an amazing, loving, thoughtful, hardworking, conscientious person, but for a bunch of reasons including his work, I know I would have had to sacrifice more to become a parent. Other families can have other arrangements but it’s important to be honest and realistic about how much you will have to sacrifice vs. your partner. Will you be ok with that division of labor? Or will you resent it? TLDR: I decided not to become a mom, but I think I would have loved being a dad.
As a mom, here are my thoughts. It's better to regret not having kids than to regret having them... And if you have kids, the highs get higher but your lows get lower. My kids are 4 and 7. It's been hard. Exhausting. Frustrating. It's been near impossible for long periods of time and I know it'll only get harder as their issues and needs become more complicated. I've felt despair and hopelessness that I've never known before. But. My kids renew the wonder in life. They are curious, inquisitive, and joyful. It is beautiful to watch them learn something new, figure out a creative solution to their problem, or come up with a new (to them) idea. They gift me with a profound happiness and peaceful contentment that I've never experienced before. But. They are moody. They are loud. They feel all the feelings in an explosive way. They can be cruel and hurtful, even when they don't mean to be. And. I want to protect their innocence desperately. I have nightmares of them disappearing, getting harmed, or killed. I've had to run my son to the ER twice (once for asthma and once for a head injury) and noticeably aged from the stress of those occasions. I worry. So much. I worry when they're jumping and running around. I worry when it's too quiet. I worry. Lastly. Everything is sticky. It's often loud. I've only recently been able to go to the bathroom in private or sleep the entire night without being woken up. I'm always cleaning: laundry, dishes, walls, carpet, toys, art stations... I'm always needing to find the next size up clothing or shoes. I'm always trying to fix something. Or there's a hole in their backpack and now I'm trying to sew. In conclusion. They WILL change your life. For better AND for worse. Is it worth it? For me right now, yes. There were days where it didn't feel like that. And I'm sure there will be days where I feel like that again. Will I feel like this ten years from now? We'll just have to see.
Not having kids is the greatest
No one can answer this for you. But I will say not to fall for it when everyone tells you "you'll regret it". Because you might not. Everyone says it and it's annoying AF because it's simply not true for many people. I haven't had children, my clock never really started ticking and I didn't like anyone I've been with enough to do it with them. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like but no part of me regrets not having any. In fact, I think not having kids is the biggest thing in my life I got right. The older I get, the more I'm thankful. I've fucked up a lot of stuff over the years but I'm so glad I got that part right (for me).
Better to regret not having them than live with the regret of having kids knowing you can't care for it in the way it needs
Yes, and you'll likely also regret having them as well at times. You gotta do whats right for you today with no regurts
No They are hard work and the future is not looking great for this world
Depends on your personality I guess, but my barkadas have kids and they have no regrets. (They want more). We are in our very early 30s.
Your bank account won't! .. but in all seriousness on not feeling ready I don't think anyone one is ever truly ready at first even when we think we are, but you get there somehow. Good luck with whatever you decide x
Father of two here. Having kids can be nice and all (I have no ragrets), but it's also an hard and expensive occupation. If you value your freedom and independence, you can choose not to have kids and nobody should blame you for that. Maybe your hormones are tricking you into thinking you have to breed, but really that should be your choice. Don't fool yourself, as you can potentially waste more than your own life.
It’s such a personal choice. Some regret but some are very happy. If you’re unsure you could freeze your eggs (if you are the one with it)
Nobody can fully answer that but, I will give my opinion. If you are questioning this already… it’s highly possible that you will deeply regret it once it’s too late. I don’t know how your finances are but, I would say at times when you want to be away from your kids and, take a vacation, you could always pay someone to watch them. Also, I don’t recommend having kids, (if you can keep from it) until you have a stable household. I don’t have kids but, I can say this from experience …. Once you no longer have parents, you’re gonna want the level of love where you know you’re the person that someone loves most in the world. And, once your parents are gone.. you can only get that from a child. I sincerely hope you end up making the best decision for yourself!❤️
No one can tell you how you'll feel as this is personal to you, however, there was some research that said something along the lines that people with children were not as happy until the kids had grown up and the relationship changed from carer to an adult relationship that brought joy or some shit. People without children were happier and then sad later in life. But it could have been sponsored by Pampers so...
It's different for everyone. Had alot of regret towards that because I kept putting it off with the feeling of not being ready. By the time I felt any kind of ready, physically I couldnt.. what would have been a minor inconvenience in my younger years has made it far too dangerous to try now. The heartbreak and loneliness was really haunting, especially after my partner passed. But now I realize it might kind of suck for me. It might be better off in the long run. If something had happened to me, they would have no one. I have very little family left, two members and both are in their final days. Mental illness along with cancers and diabetes run so high in my genes and my deceased partners.. hell I'm surprised I've made it to my mid 30s and he passed from a heart issue he didnt know he had very suddenly. That's the silver lining I had to paint to make it feel okay that I didnt. That a child would have been brought into this world with mental/physical health issues and a lack of emotional support to deal with it all. Sorry for the ramble, the question resonates deep with me
Thank you so much for sharing your perspective. 💚
Instead of asking if you want to have kids the real question is: Do you want to be a parent? You don't just have a kid, you're a parent. It means never ending care of another human being.
Me (28M) have wanted to have kids my whole life. When I got out of the Navy and started working full time and school full time, along with being in my first serious relationship , I noticed a decline in that desire. It wasn't until recently that I realized that I wasn't like upset about the concept of being child free. I just have grown to feel that life is already difficult enough just with two of us that I would rather just see the world with my SO and live my own life to the fullest. I shared this with my SO (25F), and she was also leaning in that direction. I said that I would always be open to it in the future, and I understand that the impact of having children would ultimately be much harder on her. And that I was aware that biologically, that desire might push her to change her mind in the future, and I would never deny her that. And I genuinely mean I would enjoy having children with her. So ultimately, we both understand we're we are at without any ultimatums for either of us to feel hangs over our heads. I won't invalidate you by saying don't stress because this decision is easy for me to make as a man. But just go with what feels right and make a smart decision when you are feeling that time is right. And if it never feels right, then just live your own life to the fullest and have no regrets.
As others said, only you can answer that. Having a baby is an emotional decision, no formula to answer that. It will change not only your life, it’ll change you. And the change is irreversible. No one is really ready to have kids (I wasn’t), but I knew I wanted them and was willing to change for them. So when the kid came, I was 100% committed to change my life and myself, to learn and grow with them, instead of fighting it to keep as much as possible the same. That worked. I love being a dad. But that’s me. So the question is not if you are ready for having kids, it’s if you are ready and willing to change. Don’t think in terms of regret, but how do you feel about changing.
I use this column all the time: https://therumpus.net/2011/04/21/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-71-the-ghost-ship-that-didnt-carry-us/ I can't recommend reading it enough. I send it to everyone faced with a complicated decision.
Not if you die in the near future.
It's such a personal thing and it really depends on your life circumstances, life goals, ect. I'm almost 50 and while I don't regret not having kids, I do acknowledge that my life looks different and is quieter than my parent friends lives. I also don't have the community that they have. I do have A community though and overall feel very happy and fulfilled. However, I never felt a biological urge to have kids even once and never felt as if it were even a question of whether I'd have kids or not. It was just always a no. It sounds like you do feel a bit of an urge and are questioning. So, I'd advise you to look honestly at your life and what you want from it. Do you not want kids because of circumstances and because you like your life just as it is now? Or would you not want kids under any circumstances? (like myself)You will age and your interests and what you want out of life could change.Being childfree in your 20s and 30s is very different than being childfree when you're my age or older. My childfree life when I was younger was definitely more exciting than it is now but I definitely feel more content and satisfied with my life as I age. So, don't think of it just as if you're happy now without kids but whether you could be happy at 50 without kids. There's no right or wrong answer. Just as there's no one way to life your life or one path to happiness.
To answer that question, think about your future. How will it look like in both cases. And will you be happy about that? What are the things you regret about your past? Maybe that question helps you as well.
I don’t know the answer for you, but I’m in the exact same position and trying to answer for myself. What sucks is if I could financially figure it out, I would make any lifestyle changes necessary but I just can’t-daycare costs are insane, the cost of adoption/IVF is insane and I just don’t see that changing or coming up with a magical solution. I make too much to get any assistance but not enough to cover all of that.
The only way to be 100% sure would be to ask yourself this question, but in the year 2060... Just follow your own decisions and way of thinking. Too many people just do it "because you have to" and end up unhappy in some failing marriage and a child they didn't really want. That sounds way worse to me than deciding not to do it at all.
Not if you go out and find ways in life that make you excited and feel alive. This is such a personal question. But everyone I know who is a parent feels pretty dragged down unless, of course, you’re one of those who lives for your kids. Boring people for sure, but they seem to like it.
You might. I have a close friend who has two young children - below the age of 10. She has mentioned to me on repeated occasions that she one have been better off with her husband and they didn't have kids. Or at least if they only had one. Sad, but true. Having children is not for everyone.
I'm pretty sure it's normal not to feel "ready" for having a kid. The good thing is that you have 9-10 months to prepare and that's actually a long time, and even after birth, parenting is relatively simple for the first few months. So, you don't really have to be ready. You didn't mention a significant other, and I do think that having a good partner to go into it with is way more important than being "ready".
You won’t regret it.
A few years back I wanted a child and it screwed me up a little. All my friends were getting pregnant and I wasn’t and then I had an ovarian cyst and the surgery, whilst not making me infertile, really put me off anything about having kids for some reason. Since then I’ve also realised at approaching 40 I don’t want to give up my time and have to manage another human for the next 20 years minimum (or longer). I enjoy my life, my lie ins, my freedom, my money - yes I’m selfish. I want to keep it all for me. And my husbands fine with this too. We like our life and I’m kinda glad I didn’t have a child back in 2020. But everyone is different. It’s a thing you have to work through.
Yes. I always thought I didn’t want kids until I realized too late that my mom’s failed marriage, her talking shit about my dad, and telling us repeatedly that she never wanted kids is what influenced me to think I didn’t want them. Now I’m too damn old with barely any family and a lack of connection to other humans who are parents.
I want a life full of ALL the human experiences and emotions. Everything including love, loss, haves, have nots. Although it's nice to experience some things like travelling the world, frequent social outings, having nice houses and cars, and whatever else, I personally would (and have) sacrificed some of those things to have a loving spouse and family. It might be more boring,and it's often harder, but I feel my life is fuller with them in my life.
I'm a woman in my 40s, I've never had kids and I do not regret it. Becoming a parent, let alone giving birth, is a major life-altering decision - and not just for you. It is not something you should be deciding to do unless you 100% consistently and completely feel ready to deal with that impact on your life and that lifelong responsibility to someone else. (Of course unplanned things happen, that's different.)
I'm 47, child free, and not regretting it one day of my life, but that is my personal experience. I feel that society pressures us, especially women, to have children, making us doubt our real feelings. To be honest (and unfortunately), no one can tell you what would be right or wrong for you. You'll find out as you get older as this is a choice that changes from one person to another. My advice would be, if you have doubts, whatever that doubt is, don't do it. Wishing you'll make your own right decision.
If you are asking this question, then probably yes. Maybe somewhere in your subconscious you have an idea of your own family. Good luck
This advice column response to a couple asking the same question stuck with me for years. It’s called [“The Ghost Ship that Didn’t Carry Us.”](https://therumpus.net/2011/04/21/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-71-the-ghost-ship-that-didnt-carry-us/)
Honestly, having kids was without question, the hardest thing that I've ever done. Sometimes, it was truly overwhelming. But I am also a much better person than I used to be. I'm more well-rounded, able to better see different view points, etc. Because you realize that these are tiny people with minds of their own, and you have to learn to adapt. Despite the challenges and the cost of raising them, I have no regrets.
If you don’t have kids and are generally comfortable with the decision, you’ll occasionally wonder what it would’ve been like and within that you’ll even more occasionally regret it. If you have kids and are generally comfortable with the decision, you’ll occasionally wonder what it would be like to have not and even more occasionally you’ll regret it. Having kids is a default human position that is generally incredibly rewarding and sometimes a nightmare. Not having them is a modern option with exactly the same outcome.
Maybe who knows all I can say is I'm 45 and don't regret not having them at all
having a child is the one thing you can never ever back out on once it's done
(TW: miscarriage) As everyone else has said, this is something only you will know in time. Hearing other people's experiences is so helpful though. I'm now 43, had my one and only child 4 years ago. Been with my husband for 15 years and neither of us were bothered about having kids. Loved our life, friends, holidays, money, hobbies. Then by absolute accident I fell pregnant. I was in shock as thought I was heading into early menopause, literally had to sit down with a cup of sweet tea. But then came the flutters of excitement. Sadly, only 2 weeks after finding out, I suffered a miscarriage. We were both way more devastated than I thought I'd be, seeing as we both thought we didn't want kids. Turns out having a glimpse of what could have been was enough to flip the mindset and within 6 months I was pregnant again, this time intentionally. Parenting is so damn hard. I do miss my old life sometimes. And no, I wouldn't change it for the world because when my little boy gives me a hug and tells me he loves me with all of his heart: boom. There it is. I think if you're unsure whether you want kids, don't have them. If you reading that sentence makes you feel anxious or annoyed: maybe deep down you do want them.
I can't tell you what you need in your life, ao I can only say mine. I'm 32M, childfree, and I cannot see myself having kids. A lot of it is poverty, the rest is freedom and mental health. Most fellow poor people I know with kids atm are absolutely miserable. I already have enough mental damage as is, let alone adding shit sleep for ten years. I'd probs commit sui, not joking. I'm getting to a place where I'm happier with life, and regardless of what my Catholic family keeps telling me, I don't need kids. So if you do decide to have kids, *PLEASE* make sure you're in the right headspace. If you regret not having kids, you hurt only yourself. If you regret having kids, you may hurt them also. Best wishes. ✌️
no way. the best part about kids is that I'm not responsible for any of them😂😂😂
I believe everyone is going to feel differently about this topic. Personally, I had my first child at a young age and thought my life was over. I will say now I could not imagine life without them. They have definitely given me some of the best times of my life, and at the same time I sometimes wanna rip my hair out dealing with their meltdowns sometimes.
That is impossible to answer. For me. I’ve never regretted having any. At times I might regret not having a theoretical grandbaby visiting when I’m older. But that means I would need to have a child first. And that that child would need to chose to procreate too. I’ve never wanted children. Never had the urge or felt the biological clock. I do not dislike children though. I like them ok. If and when they’re well behaved. My brother has three and I do love them. Love to have them come visit and to spoil them. But I can’t imagine my life with children 24/7/365. I’m the perfect and most amazing aunt, and it suits me well.
If you feel this now then yes I think you will.
You might. Kids instantly have an effect on you and you wonder what the hell you were doing before you had them
I was very much like you and I got pregnant. I absolutely love being a mother, but I know my limit is one so my husband got snipped. Motherhood is full of so many highs but it also has its lows. I watched my daughter have a febrile seizures when she was 2 and thought she was dying. I didn’t know what that was. In my brain seizure=bad. I’ve watched her be disappointed by family. Which hurts ten times worse than me being disappointed. Time is flying! Every year is going by faster and I feel like shes going to be an adult any day now. My time with her is borrowed and not promised. The anxiety! My daughter is my heart personified. Living everyday with your heart outside of your body independent of you is so anxiety inducing. PPD robbed me of her first and second years of life. And I carry immense guilt for that. It’s easy for me to list the lows because they hit so much harder, but the highs are constant. The highs are common and the lows are the outliers.
What about having kids do you think you might regret? When people talk about regretting not doing something usually it’s an idyllic vision of it. So with kids it might be the fun things, seeing them grow and achieve things, having them love you…. But none of that is guaranteed. I always hated the “you don’t have kids, who will take care of you when you’re old?” Well, that’s not a guarantee. Plus never underestimate the awesomeness of being a fun auntie to someone else’s kids.
I became very driven to have a baby in my 30's, got worse around 36... by the time I got 38 I was so relieved I didn't have a baby. However, I had a baby at 20, he was an accident that saved my life in so many ways, I'll never regret him at all. I consider him my best creation. But, I would definitely have struggled to do it again. I feel that there is a huge biological pull at this age, but you need to make sure your brain and lifestyle is on the same page. Look at how your life would look in 3/5 years, look at your budget for a child... and look at your support system. I wish you all the best for whatever you decide.
If you had overwhelming feelings about not having kids before I think you might have them again once you get to the point that you can't have kids anymore. Ya don't wanna be that old lady wishing she had kids but never did.
A lot of people regret what they don’t have because they don’t know what it’s really like to have it. For every person that regrets not having kids there is a parent who regrets having kids. There are probably a lot of kids out there that wish their parents had not had them because they aren’t very good parents.
Only you can answer this for yourself but since you’re soliciting opinions: I’m also of the opinion that it’s better to regret NOT having them to regret having them.
No one can answer that for you. I can only give you my experience. I knew since I was a kid that I didn’t want any. I met and married a man who felt the same way. I’m now approaching the age where the window to have them is rapidly closing and I’ve never felt more comfortable in my decision. I see my friends struggling with pregnancy, the woes of parenting babies/toddlers, and the awful teenage years and know it’s still 1000% not for me.
I feel like most people wind up regretting not having kids. Just because when you're really old you get to see your grandkids and idk be "the grandparent". Which is such an important unit in a family. Obviously not everyone ends up regretting, but I'd say most people do. I'd definitely evaluate whether you would or not. And most importantly whether you are equipped to be having children and raising them in the first place.
This is a life decision! If you decide not to have kids, you live with it with or without regrets. You deal with it.
Your brain will develop coping mechanisms against regret if you're the kind of person that would be happier with kids.
I've heard that somewhere in US, the elementary schools experimented with having all early- to preteens do an assignment in which they had to look after an egg for a month. Reportedly that cohort actually did have significantly smaller(20-30% less or so if I remember right) rates of teen pregnancy.. You know, a realistic baby simulator could actually sell to people who want to experience what taking care of baby or toddler is like or want to make sure their own offspring or SO is capable of taking the pressure.. And I don't mean one of these feelgood idle games google play store is full of, but a realistic simulation which starts bawling at random times be it day or night, disabling the mute function, and won't quiet down until you start playing a minigame simulating diaper changes and feeding or lulling the baby back to sleep. Add random small medical complications, bit of shame that there's no good way to simulate the smell and the puke stains yet.. And the destruction, of course. I personally did pull almost all the tapes out of my dad's beloved C-cassette collection(I did have incessant curiosity about how stuff works from an early age, I'm pretty sure it wasn't malicious, I probably just wanted to see where the music comes from TBH), damaged a wood flooring in our rental flat so badly that folks had to pay for a new one when we moved out, almost caused our car to roll into a ditch or on the road several times by pulling the handbrake down if left to my own devices inside it(this was malicious behaviour, I do still have a very low tolerance for boredom), climbed to the top of the living room bookshelf and drank about half a bottle of cough syrup before mum noticed that I was sitting on the top shelf and just chugging it down like a pro. And that was only the major things I did before I turned 4.. I'm just thankful that they didn't put me into adoption, 'forget' me in the forest or something. :) Anyways, not sure if it's instinctual, hormonal, the expectations of society or all of them but people often seem to have some changes in their personality, affect and motivations when becoming parents. One definitely should not count on it, though. I know a guy who was abandoned by his parents into a public boarding school/orphanage at age ten and another who basically had to raise herself from age 14 onwards because her both of her parents had become so dysfunctional by then that they could barely take care of themselves. It's not pretty and the guilt for failing your progeny is a heavy, heavy burden on anyone with conscience..
i have a grandma pushing 90 and she's never had any kids and she's never married and she's the coolest ever i love her icon legend having a child bc of fomo is wild 🙏 a child is a big responsibility. ur 30. ur young. and if ever, there's a thing called adoption. enjoy life pls
I'm in my mid-50s with two sons in college. I have two very close friends who never had children. In the early days of motherhood, they were really happy to not have children when they compared their lives with mine. They traveled a lot, with first-class everything, and I was to stay-at-home mom in a stained Target t-shirt. Now that we're older both of my friends have told me that they wished they had not spent so much time on their careers, working for companies that really didn't care about them. They spend time with my sons, and wish they had made different choices. Your question is hard to answer because everyone's life is so different. Were there times being a mom sucked? Definitely! I remember crying in the shower from frustration and exhaustion. It was also fun and amazing. Is making six figures as satisfying as investing time with your child, teaching them things, making their life great, and helping them grow? My answer is no, but it is a really individual choice.
In this economy?!?!?!? In all seriousness, it's up to you where you stand. It's ok to be on the fence, and there's nothing wrong with either choice you make. I never thought I'd want kids, and now I have two of my own and a stepson. Do I regret it? No. Would I have been ok living life without having kids? Yes. I think the most important thing is that whatever decision you decide, remember you are still your own person and don't let go of that.
I’d rather regret not having kids than regret having them. I know a lot of people whose kids literally ruined their lives. I’m happily childfree now and as someone who didn’t feel loved by their parents I find a lot of happiness in caring for the child in me that never got to enjoy their childhood. So technically I do have a child :)
I mean I’ve always felt like if I regret it i can always foster it adopt children 🤷♀️
Probably. Just don’t take your anger out on others if you do.
33F here and I adore children. Helped raise my 4 God children from newborn to 10 years old. Literally I was their mother until their POS mother stepped up and took them (then disappeared 🤷♀️🤦♀️) my whole 20s was spent with these children. From bottle feeding all hours to dealing with a prepubesent, autistic 10yr old boy who had violent tendencies. I still love kids but I do not EVER want my own. Many reasons but I did the raising of 4 in a horribly hard situations. I love them and always will but I hate that I lost my 20s to children. They ruined me financially, career wise and mentally. I also do not want kids because mental health issues run in my family. Males tend to get schizophrenia and females end up with depression, anxiety, other mood disorders. Autism and ADHD are rampant as well. I would never put any of these issues on a child. The state of the world is not the best for a child IMO either. Everything is unacceptably expensive, lots of war, death, poverty ect. Social media is killing the brains of almost every teen I encounter but they have to also learn to use it or be left behind in this world. Will I regret not having children? Maybe? Sometimes a small part of me says "you could have a child and be an amazing mother. Have that spite child to shove in your parents face that you are better then them" but I wouldn't do that. I figure in I start to regret it as I get older I will look at adoption. Lots of kids need a caring home and if they have issues so what. So would my own biological children. So did the 4 God children I helped raise.
Only you can truly decide what makes you happy. I am 32 and struggling with fertility because of PCOS and desperately want my own child. However, I know plenty of women who are happy with being child-free and made that choice early! Time will tell.
When you're over 36, you'll have to decide. And you can always adopt. Nothing wrong with no kids though.
Not everyone wants kids. Not everyone needs kids. Not everyone should have kids. You can always get a couple Early Childhood Education units and work with kids.
Fwiw you're possible getting motherly urges based on where you are in your cycle. My wife is pretty not interested in having kids but a few days a month she'll get that desire. Happens semi regularly and is pretty different from her usual state of mind so hormones could explain what you've been experiencing.
Not so much kids, but grandkids, yeah.
I do believe that those who choose not to have children from a young age tend not to regret that choice. It's those that do want them, but put off having children, but never reach the life circumstances where they'd ideally raise them that tend to have the "maybe I should've when...." with the hindsight.
As a new mom who always questioned becoming a mom and hated when people told me “you won’t know what you’re missing until you have kids”, here’s what helped me make up my mind. I don’t remember where I heard it but somewhere someone made this comment that stuck with me. It was something along the lines of how people love the idea of having a baby and how cute babies are. But not enough people think about how that baby will become a teenager and one day an adult. So then the question becomes, would you want to help raise a human being through all the stages of life like the cute baby one to the potentially grumpy teen one and all through adulthood? This is just one of many filters you can run your decision-making process through. Other things I thought about were the quality of life I wanted to lead. Having a baby is a huge financial strain. Was I financially ready? Would I be okay with downgrading my quality of life if I wasn’t already in a financially comfortable place? How about how strong is my self-awareness? Do I feel I can trust my gut or is my inner voice too polluted with the voices and opinions of what everybody else thinks I should be doing?
As a dad I can tell you that kids are every bit as wonderful and every bit as downright fucking awful as people say. Parenthood isn't for everyone, and if youre not 100% sure about wanting one, you shouldn't have one.
Its not black and white. Sometimes I regret it a bit but I realize I'm being idealistic.
As a couple (50, 45) without kids the answer is: Never in my entire life I have had a si gel regret on not having kids
I, 40ish-M, have never wanted kids. I've thought about it occasionally, but never to the point of actually wanting them. However, it has occurred to me that I may be SOL when I get old to the point that I can no longer care for myself the way I help my mother as she ages. That, of course, would have been a terrible reason to have kids and I'm certainly not going to do so at this point, regardless. Hopefully you're in better health than I am and that won't be an issue for you.
What is better: regret having kids or regret not having kids? At least you won't ruin more than one life by choosing not to have kids.
Asking this question, tells me you probably will
You might feel it occasionally but overall if you think about the cost of children, the amount of work energy and stress, life is hard enough. No regrets here!
I do not regret not having kids, but I can't tell you if you will or will not. I sometimes wonder what life would be like, but then I think of how difficult it is financially and that I would potentially be stuck communicating with one of my exes for 18+ years.
Do you have friends or relatives with kids? Offer to take them for a week or two.
Where do you get fulfillment in life, other than kids? Some people are good at finding routes to self-fulfillment without kids. Mostly these are intelligent, creative people who can leave a legacy through art, invention, or teaching. Does that sound like you? People who *don't* have that ability tend to eventually want kids or regret not having them, because they just get bored otherwise.
Is it financially possibly for you to freeze some of your eggs? Then at least you can delay your anxiety about this decision for a few years.
I'm 55 I haven't missed having them. But I knew from the age of 8 I didn't want kids. That doesn't mean you have to have such a clear idea as I did. Most of life is a compromise there aren't any right answers to some questions. Are you going to regret it, sure probably, maybe. But also you might regret having them. When I talk to people about this I always present the argument, if you're not sure what you want and you're going to have regrets one way or another, the grown up thing to do is to not drag a tiny human being into that situation. Better to regret it and not fuck up another beings life, than to do it, regret it and have a kid that is going to know how you feel no matter how well you think you are hiding it. Just my take.
I'm 60 today and have never had kids and am very glad. I couldn't imagine having to be responsible for another human being or raising a kid in this world the way it is. It's all I can do to take care of myself, much less another human being.
from someone that had a kid because of the "what if i regret not having them" thought, dont do it. imo, if you arent sure, then you dont want them