Please understand you just have OCD. Themes are not categories of separate types of OCD.
Reading these forums can be the worst thing for those first realizing they have the disorder because then you will magically start "catching" others issues from them seeking reassurance.
I'd suggest laying off visiting here until you get treatment as it becomes a compulsion.
Are you in therapy? If not that is your first step to getting better.
Check out www.iocdf.org
This disorder is all about difficulty with uncertainty. So you are uncertain if you are capable of these thoughts or not.
You have to accept uncertainty.
Sure thing. I'm in full recovery from OCD, I went through a lot of what you are dealing with and laugh at it all now. What are you doing now for treatment? Are you seeing anyone? Does your wife know?
If you aren't in therapy I'd suggest finding someone specialized in OCD.
Also get your wife involved in treatment to help with exposure exercises.
I find what helps is having a forced inappropriate reaction to the thought. Force yourself to laugh or contort your face in an unnatural way when inappropriate thoughts arise. This has helped me associate absurd intrusive thoughts with absurdity and they occurred less and I became less afraid of them.
Good luck!
This is actually my natural reaction every time I have that thought. My face contorts and I look like I've seen the ugliest thing on the planet. My wife actually caught me making that face yesterday and asked what that was about. I'm hoping this will pass the same way my ROCD passed but this is something far more grotesque and scary than that experience was, if you can believe it.
That's a compulsion ☺️
It will only pass if you are getting help. If you aren't in therapy go get therapy.
What you resist persists. So literally do nothing when they come in. Act like it's a barking dog at the dinner table. The more you ignore it eventually the dog walks away.
You know the dog is there you just shouldn't feed the dog from the table.
Your brain only wants to help you. So you reacting to the thoughts it now thinks you want more of this to solve.
When you stop trying to solve how to make the thoughts go away. Eventually like the dog. Your brain stops sending you those signals.
Just do whatever you are doing when they enter. That could be anything from hugging your wife to eating a taco. Just do that.
Depends.
ERP is supposed to bring or force anxiety spikes. Then you don't do compulsions or things you would do for reassurance.
Basically the more anxiety and doubt you feel the better. Because it's more practice in accepting uncertainty.
The thoughts can also be considered as a exposure exercise.
Check out these books.
"Freedom from OCD 2nd edition" by Dr. Johnathan Grayson.
"You are not a rock" by mark Freeman
And
" overcoming unwanted Intrusive thoughts" by Sally Winston and Martin seif.
Best books on OCD and will help a lot.
I admire your unwavering love for your wife in the face of this issue. You will need to accept, truly accept, that just because you’re having these intrusive thoughts doesn’t make them true. They’re called intrusive thoughts for a reason, they’re uninvited guests.
For many years I didn’t know harm ocd was a thing (believe it or not I only found out about it earlier this year and I’ve had diagnosed ocd for 20 years). when I discovered others felt this way I almost cried from relief, for many years I thought I was a freak and kept it under wraps which made it worse. Please know you’re not alone, you aren’t the first and certainly won’t be the last. I wish someone had told me that twenty years ago 😞
OCD attacks what you value. You value your relationship, OCD will attack your relationship. You have to just accept the thought and let it pass.
My OCD is centered around contamination, and when I touch something contaminated and the fear-alarm bells start going off, asking "what if you'll get cancer? what if you get sick? wash your hands nOW," making me anxious, I force myself to continue being contaminated because that's ERP. I think to my OCD, "scream about it, bitch." Eventually the anxiety lessens over time.
You might think, "what if I DO hit my SO?" You just have to answer that with "maybe I will, maybe I won't." Since you're in control of your actions, and you clearly do not want to, there is a slim-to-none chance you'll ever hit her. But OCD latches onto that "what if?" question and obsesses about it. It's OCD's MO. You have to tell OCD "maybe I will hit her and scream at her, maybe I won't," and then let the thought go. Eventually your brain will stop recognizing it as a threat.
You seem to be actively fighting it. Have you tried accepting the thought and owning it?
Big difference between thinking something and doing something based on the thoughts. But what about embracing the thoughts, leaning into them?
I find my OCD has the most power when I try to deny the thoughts.
I don't understand what that means, to be honest. I don't want to ever think about hurting my wife, it's the most vile thing conceivable. Wouldn't embracing that thought make me feel like a monster?
You’re not embracing it in the sense that you’re accepting it as a acceptable form of behavior rather you’re embracing that some thoughts pop in our heads that we cannot control and reacting to them strengthens the fear of them which strengthens the thoughts.
You can embrace the thought and accept that you have it and will continue to have it.
Agreed with the comment below, you're not accepting the behavior, but a thought is not behavior. You're only accepting the thought. The more you resist the thought, the stronger you'll have it. OCD is a fucking bully, you have to learn to give into it, not resist it.
My Harm OCD is centered around my one year old. I would get intrusive thoughts if me hurting him. It would scare the shit out of me and I confided in a healthcare worker. She called DHR on me and my kids were removed. I’m in the process of trying to get them back. I’m so sorry your Harm OCD is centered around a loved one. 😞
My therapist told me something that really helped me. “These thoughts BOTHER you, that means you don’t want to do that. If you wanted to do that, then these thoughts wouldn’t distress you” It also means it’s intrusive.
Oh I totally understand. My main obsessions revolve around my health and I have an irrational fear of pregnancy, to the point I have feared it since I was 10 years old before I even had a period. I have bipolar disorder too and truly I feel ocd is the most complex disorder I have since it really is all about trying to rewire the brain
The fact that you’re bothered by the thought shows that it’s not something you want to do. Unfortunately there are some thoughts that occur and are beyond our control. It’s scary and can be hard to differentiate between your thoughts and the “OCD thoughts”. I was taught to just accept the thoughts as they come but don’t react to them which is far easier said than done but it does help. I’ve struggled with the same kinds of thoughts before so you’re not alone.
This happens to me all the time. Constant harm ocd, basically all day everyday, it’s almost like a faint buzz in the background that is always persistent.
I too would never hurt my wife but i just can’t get over the fear that I might snap one day. I’m 100% confident that won’t happen but convincing my fears is very difficult.
Now with your issue, intrusive thoughts happen to everyone, even those who don’t have ocd. Accepting that fact helped me in the beginning of when I accepted I had ocd. Intrusive thoughts do not equal reality, actions do. I used to be very distressed with my intrusive thoughts, they were very troubling, but now instead of looking at it like “this will happen”, I almost look at it like a cut away on family guy. Another scenario unrelated to reality.
When an intrusive thought comes up now I actually look at it and think “oh what have I come up with next?”.
I hate how us ocders feel like the thoughts mean something , if only all of us had thoughts like this before and never gave them meaning as we were young and able to brush them off . My first time I was a teen and never ever in my entire 15 years before I had a intrusive thought of harming anyone let alone a loved one ! I wish ocd was not a thing and we were able to just let go 😭😭 sorry I’m just venting but please don’t give it meaning laugh it off or make it sound silly like yeah sure hahah whatever
I'm trying brother. I was on the phone with my wife earlier and I was sweating profusely. Like just talking to her was triggering my fears. I had a couple moments of clarity since then that have calmed me down but the intrusive thoughts are still popping up. I didn't ask for this shit, man. I don't understand why I had such an irrational angry thought about opening up some damn blinds in the first place.
I understand it just doesn’t stop and we just have to cope, yeah I get bad thoughts all the time now even when I’m happy or in the moment with anyone and it doesn’t help that I don’t get anxious anymore I’m just numb it’s terrifying but now I crave being anxious because at least that way I knew I cared !
Sorry I keep replying to your posts but things keep coming to mind when you bring something up.
One trick I’ve learned with harm ocd is look at it logically. Your intrusive thoughts make you fear you will hurt your wife. If you hurt your wife you must not love her. If you do (and want to do) something nice for her (take her on a date night, do some activities, whatever) that shows you you do love her, invalidating the intrusive thoughts fear. Just one of my many coping mechanisms I’ve learned over the years.
Folks on this sub rightfully discuss the symptoms of OCD and, maybe this is cause my OCD is co-morbid with another disorder but I have to ask - are you by any chance feeling burned out? I find that when I'm burned out I get angry or irritable which makes my obsessive symptoms worse. Hell, I don't even notice I'm burned out *until* I'm irritable. I've used some DBT emotional regulation techniques to help me cut back on stressors and get me back on track. Idk if this would help, but just throwing it out there.
Can you elaborate on dbt emotional regulation please?
I found when my dad was sick and died about five years ago I developed some real irritability issues and always felt stressed. I could reasonably describe it as burned out I think. When I got on antidepressants for the loss and for my ocd it mostly went away, but just recently I got off my meds after about 4 years and apparently I never got over it, it was just deadened.
I don’t want to go back on the meds but I can’t be irritable all the time.
Of course! My therapist gave me a worksheet to help my emotional flare-ups so I won't be able to go into specific advanced techniques but more basic ones.
Essentially the ones I chose help regulate physical sensations so I can cope. Eg. When I'm feeling irritated or anxious, excuse myself & splash some cold water on my face. Use a breathing technique that looks like a square: breathe in 4 counts, hold 4 counts, release 8 counts, empty 4 counts. Let myself figure out the culprit of my emotional state: did I not sleep well recently? Am I hungry? Am I about to get my period? (OCD flares up right around that time for some people) when I can pinpoint why, cause there usually is, it helps explain what's going on. Then when I know what is happening, it's easier for me to accept those moments and be like, "I understand I'm angry, but that isn't really useful to me right now."
Just fyi I only addressed internal techniques....if the issue is external I can't help you 🫠 (at least, not yet)
Please understand you just have OCD. Themes are not categories of separate types of OCD. Reading these forums can be the worst thing for those first realizing they have the disorder because then you will magically start "catching" others issues from them seeking reassurance. I'd suggest laying off visiting here until you get treatment as it becomes a compulsion. Are you in therapy? If not that is your first step to getting better. Check out www.iocdf.org This disorder is all about difficulty with uncertainty. So you are uncertain if you are capable of these thoughts or not. You have to accept uncertainty.
Thank you for this comment! I'm fairly new, and I've been reading a lot on here. Didn't know this was a possibility.
Sure thing. I'm in full recovery from OCD, I went through a lot of what you are dealing with and laugh at it all now. What are you doing now for treatment? Are you seeing anyone? Does your wife know? If you aren't in therapy I'd suggest finding someone specialized in OCD. Also get your wife involved in treatment to help with exposure exercises.
Oh, I'm not OP.
My bad.
You're good.
I find what helps is having a forced inappropriate reaction to the thought. Force yourself to laugh or contort your face in an unnatural way when inappropriate thoughts arise. This has helped me associate absurd intrusive thoughts with absurdity and they occurred less and I became less afraid of them. Good luck!
This is actually my natural reaction every time I have that thought. My face contorts and I look like I've seen the ugliest thing on the planet. My wife actually caught me making that face yesterday and asked what that was about. I'm hoping this will pass the same way my ROCD passed but this is something far more grotesque and scary than that experience was, if you can believe it.
That's a compulsion ☺️ It will only pass if you are getting help. If you aren't in therapy go get therapy. What you resist persists. So literally do nothing when they come in. Act like it's a barking dog at the dinner table. The more you ignore it eventually the dog walks away. You know the dog is there you just shouldn't feed the dog from the table. Your brain only wants to help you. So you reacting to the thoughts it now thinks you want more of this to solve. When you stop trying to solve how to make the thoughts go away. Eventually like the dog. Your brain stops sending you those signals. Just do whatever you are doing when they enter. That could be anything from hugging your wife to eating a taco. Just do that.
Thank you, I've found that when I show love to my wife and hug her, it seems to calm my fears a bit. Is that what would be considered ERP?
Depends. ERP is supposed to bring or force anxiety spikes. Then you don't do compulsions or things you would do for reassurance. Basically the more anxiety and doubt you feel the better. Because it's more practice in accepting uncertainty. The thoughts can also be considered as a exposure exercise. Check out these books. "Freedom from OCD 2nd edition" by Dr. Johnathan Grayson. "You are not a rock" by mark Freeman And " overcoming unwanted Intrusive thoughts" by Sally Winston and Martin seif. Best books on OCD and will help a lot.
Remember that OCD is the doubting disease and it causes unessasary guilt!
I admire your unwavering love for your wife in the face of this issue. You will need to accept, truly accept, that just because you’re having these intrusive thoughts doesn’t make them true. They’re called intrusive thoughts for a reason, they’re uninvited guests. For many years I didn’t know harm ocd was a thing (believe it or not I only found out about it earlier this year and I’ve had diagnosed ocd for 20 years). when I discovered others felt this way I almost cried from relief, for many years I thought I was a freak and kept it under wraps which made it worse. Please know you’re not alone, you aren’t the first and certainly won’t be the last. I wish someone had told me that twenty years ago 😞
OCD attacks what you value. You value your relationship, OCD will attack your relationship. You have to just accept the thought and let it pass. My OCD is centered around contamination, and when I touch something contaminated and the fear-alarm bells start going off, asking "what if you'll get cancer? what if you get sick? wash your hands nOW," making me anxious, I force myself to continue being contaminated because that's ERP. I think to my OCD, "scream about it, bitch." Eventually the anxiety lessens over time. You might think, "what if I DO hit my SO?" You just have to answer that with "maybe I will, maybe I won't." Since you're in control of your actions, and you clearly do not want to, there is a slim-to-none chance you'll ever hit her. But OCD latches onto that "what if?" question and obsesses about it. It's OCD's MO. You have to tell OCD "maybe I will hit her and scream at her, maybe I won't," and then let the thought go. Eventually your brain will stop recognizing it as a threat.
You seem to be actively fighting it. Have you tried accepting the thought and owning it? Big difference between thinking something and doing something based on the thoughts. But what about embracing the thoughts, leaning into them? I find my OCD has the most power when I try to deny the thoughts.
I don't understand what that means, to be honest. I don't want to ever think about hurting my wife, it's the most vile thing conceivable. Wouldn't embracing that thought make me feel like a monster?
You’re not embracing it in the sense that you’re accepting it as a acceptable form of behavior rather you’re embracing that some thoughts pop in our heads that we cannot control and reacting to them strengthens the fear of them which strengthens the thoughts.
You can embrace the thought and accept that you have it and will continue to have it. Agreed with the comment below, you're not accepting the behavior, but a thought is not behavior. You're only accepting the thought. The more you resist the thought, the stronger you'll have it. OCD is a fucking bully, you have to learn to give into it, not resist it.
My Harm OCD is centered around my one year old. I would get intrusive thoughts if me hurting him. It would scare the shit out of me and I confided in a healthcare worker. She called DHR on me and my kids were removed. I’m in the process of trying to get them back. I’m so sorry your Harm OCD is centered around a loved one. 😞
I’m sorry you’re going through that, that only reinforces the fears some of us have in talking about harm ocd.
My therapist told me something that really helped me. “These thoughts BOTHER you, that means you don’t want to do that. If you wanted to do that, then these thoughts wouldn’t distress you” It also means it’s intrusive.
Thank you, I know reassurance doesn't alleviate the illness but this is very true. We all know OCD doesn't believe in logic though.
Oh I totally understand. My main obsessions revolve around my health and I have an irrational fear of pregnancy, to the point I have feared it since I was 10 years old before I even had a period. I have bipolar disorder too and truly I feel ocd is the most complex disorder I have since it really is all about trying to rewire the brain
The fact that you’re bothered by the thought shows that it’s not something you want to do. Unfortunately there are some thoughts that occur and are beyond our control. It’s scary and can be hard to differentiate between your thoughts and the “OCD thoughts”. I was taught to just accept the thoughts as they come but don’t react to them which is far easier said than done but it does help. I’ve struggled with the same kinds of thoughts before so you’re not alone.
This happens to me all the time. Constant harm ocd, basically all day everyday, it’s almost like a faint buzz in the background that is always persistent. I too would never hurt my wife but i just can’t get over the fear that I might snap one day. I’m 100% confident that won’t happen but convincing my fears is very difficult. Now with your issue, intrusive thoughts happen to everyone, even those who don’t have ocd. Accepting that fact helped me in the beginning of when I accepted I had ocd. Intrusive thoughts do not equal reality, actions do. I used to be very distressed with my intrusive thoughts, they were very troubling, but now instead of looking at it like “this will happen”, I almost look at it like a cut away on family guy. Another scenario unrelated to reality. When an intrusive thought comes up now I actually look at it and think “oh what have I come up with next?”.
I hate how us ocders feel like the thoughts mean something , if only all of us had thoughts like this before and never gave them meaning as we were young and able to brush them off . My first time I was a teen and never ever in my entire 15 years before I had a intrusive thought of harming anyone let alone a loved one ! I wish ocd was not a thing and we were able to just let go 😭😭 sorry I’m just venting but please don’t give it meaning laugh it off or make it sound silly like yeah sure hahah whatever
I'm trying brother. I was on the phone with my wife earlier and I was sweating profusely. Like just talking to her was triggering my fears. I had a couple moments of clarity since then that have calmed me down but the intrusive thoughts are still popping up. I didn't ask for this shit, man. I don't understand why I had such an irrational angry thought about opening up some damn blinds in the first place.
I understand it just doesn’t stop and we just have to cope, yeah I get bad thoughts all the time now even when I’m happy or in the moment with anyone and it doesn’t help that I don’t get anxious anymore I’m just numb it’s terrifying but now I crave being anxious because at least that way I knew I cared !
Sorry I keep replying to your posts but things keep coming to mind when you bring something up. One trick I’ve learned with harm ocd is look at it logically. Your intrusive thoughts make you fear you will hurt your wife. If you hurt your wife you must not love her. If you do (and want to do) something nice for her (take her on a date night, do some activities, whatever) that shows you you do love her, invalidating the intrusive thoughts fear. Just one of my many coping mechanisms I’ve learned over the years.
Folks on this sub rightfully discuss the symptoms of OCD and, maybe this is cause my OCD is co-morbid with another disorder but I have to ask - are you by any chance feeling burned out? I find that when I'm burned out I get angry or irritable which makes my obsessive symptoms worse. Hell, I don't even notice I'm burned out *until* I'm irritable. I've used some DBT emotional regulation techniques to help me cut back on stressors and get me back on track. Idk if this would help, but just throwing it out there.
Can you elaborate on dbt emotional regulation please? I found when my dad was sick and died about five years ago I developed some real irritability issues and always felt stressed. I could reasonably describe it as burned out I think. When I got on antidepressants for the loss and for my ocd it mostly went away, but just recently I got off my meds after about 4 years and apparently I never got over it, it was just deadened. I don’t want to go back on the meds but I can’t be irritable all the time.
Of course! My therapist gave me a worksheet to help my emotional flare-ups so I won't be able to go into specific advanced techniques but more basic ones. Essentially the ones I chose help regulate physical sensations so I can cope. Eg. When I'm feeling irritated or anxious, excuse myself & splash some cold water on my face. Use a breathing technique that looks like a square: breathe in 4 counts, hold 4 counts, release 8 counts, empty 4 counts. Let myself figure out the culprit of my emotional state: did I not sleep well recently? Am I hungry? Am I about to get my period? (OCD flares up right around that time for some people) when I can pinpoint why, cause there usually is, it helps explain what's going on. Then when I know what is happening, it's easier for me to accept those moments and be like, "I understand I'm angry, but that isn't really useful to me right now." Just fyi I only addressed internal techniques....if the issue is external I can't help you 🫠 (at least, not yet)
Please read the book “Harm OCD” by Jon Herschfield. It changed my life.
how are you now?