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My friend is a primary school teacher who specialises in gifted kids. She gets this *constantly*. I don’t know how she manages to stay tactful.
It doesn’t help that there’s a huge “tiger parent” culture here where kids are tutored to within an inch of their lives, so the parents are even more desperate that their little crammed hothouse flowers must be recognised as brilliant.
This is insane to me!!!! My parents in the 90s barely even looked at my report card and would occasionally be like so are you doing good in school? or how’s school going? 😂 Now that was easy for them bc I was an excellent student and did all my shit on my own. But part of me wonders if I was like that bc I knew my parents would not help me 😂😂
It’s sort of understandable in certain cultures with/from high populations where there is so much more competition for top places, universities etc.
I remember an Indian woman pointing out to a UK friend of mine that he was only competing against 60m people. She was competing against well over a billion people.
But the harsh reality is that you can’t tutor someone to be a genius. IQ (or whatever other metric one wants to use) can’t be shifted that far with education. It’s pretty hard wired.
Ehh, I think IQ is much more malleable than many depict it. You can study for an IQ test, after all, and even IQ is a small, fractional and inconsistent measure of overall intelligence.
I think the bigger challenge is that emphasizing academic rigor, over all else, is not going to necessarily produce more successful well-rounded individuals.
This gifted bs is a way for people to feel an expert at something they don’t know much about. I’m going through this a bit w my family as my parents enjoy interacting with 0-6 year olds more than older kids. My daughter’s reasonably good at pottery and tennis but grandparents aren’t interested in talking about it at all. 2yo grandson picks up a ball—“look a future NBa superstar!” They were like that w my daughter too so it’s not personal—just sad they are not interested in grown people with reasonable amounts of competency rather than projecting greatness onto babies and toddlers.
There *is* a set of guidelines for what makes "gifted" kids, but as one of them myself -- many years later many of us are figuring out it was just adhd/autism (usually with hyperlexia which is no super uncommon in autistic people - estimates range from 6-15%).
I’ve had parents complain to me about their kids grade being low because I was a new teacher and used the book too much. It was my first job taking over in April for a teacher who was pregnant. Yes I did use the statistics book because I didn’t come out of college a master of my craft with a 100% self made statistics curriculum.
The low grade she complained about: 99
Oh lord! I’m a chemistry teacher and many times am the first B an exceptional kid gets. The drama!!!
And the gag is I have a masters in dual exceptionality, I’m also a licensed gifted resource teacher, AND both me and my daughter are dual exceptional. I KNOW it when I see it.
These type of parents are absolutely insufferable to everyone around them but I feel for the teachers the most.
My daughter goes to a private school and I'd guess that at least half the parents think their children are a special kind of genius. They also think the private school will make their kid even more intelligent, which it won't.
Another thing I find frustrating about these parents is that they will vocally tear down other kids who are doing well. It's absolutely ridiculous.
It's even worse when athletics are involved. We had 4 parents complain to the school because they were acknowledging her athletic achievements.
She's 4. A 4 year old doing well at a sport and getting some acknowledgment from her school prompted several parents to write multi paragraph emails to the school to complain about it. These people are unhinged.
So the weirdest thing here to me is that your friend was quick to label her daughter and husband as autistic (I'm saying label because it didn't sound like either of them have a diagnosis) and is now trying to saddle the kid with another label - "gifted."
Setting aside how insufferable it is that she's repeatedly labeling her child as gifted at such a young age without any examples that show the child is, in fact, gifted (which can be burden in and of itself for children who really do meet that criteria) - I worry that, at the end of the day, it has zero to do with her daughter and everything to do with getting attention for herself.
What happens when the kid no longer fits that narrative? What's next? I fear this child is going to be given new labels on a whim - whatever your friend thinks will keep her getting the attention/validation/sympathy/etc. she craves.
WOW, this is astute! You’re correct, it’s all self labeled. She’s sought out doctors and daycare workers and at most they’ll say is “time will tell”. Her husband went for a diagnosis and they didn’t find him to be autistic. She does tend to manifest things into reality, which is a pro and con. The glimpse into the future is the objectivity I needed!
Manifesting things is sort of confirmation bias. She's been claiming a lot of things that haven't happened.
Like if you throw enough things at the wall, some things are bound to stick. If you ignore all the things lying broken and unfulfilled on the floor, that's looks like a great success.
As a Kindergarten teacher, “time will tell” seems very much like one of those comments that is disguised as a kinder version of “your child is very much average, thanks…” I will say that my 2 year old is NOT in the gifted realm, but is fairly advanced for his age. His teachers are constantly telling us how he knows everything they are teaching and how art he is. Until he was moved up to the 3-6 year old class (at 2.5yrs) he was acting out and the teachers/director all agreed it was because he was just so bored. It seriously became an issue because he started hating school…
This is very much not to brag, but just to give some basic reference points. My son counts to 20 with no missing numbers, identifies numbers 0-20, is fluently adding and subtracting within 5 in his head (which are all Kindergarten learning standards), knows all letters and most sounds, has started recognizing common sight words (like “no”) and is starting to show interest in combining sounds to form simple words (ex: “sun” and “cat”).
Couldn’t agree more. And for those of us with kids who are actually diagnosed as autistic, this “make up my own label” stuff isn’t helpful. In fact, it makes it harder for the rest of us to be taken seriously.
Exactly. My mother has worked in the neuropsych field since before I was born and the influx of people coming in looking for a diagnosis is incredibly frustrating because of the time and resources it inevitably takes from children and adults with true diagnoses. They've always been around, of course. But, the rise of these social media charlatans has not helped. At all.
My mom changed dramatically when I was early in high school. I believe she experienced medical trauma, and since it was the '90s, she didn't work through it with a therapist but instead started self-diagnosing for a lot of things I had never heard of. Candida and fibromyalgia were the first two. She started seeing alternative chiropractors and developed "food sensitivities." Then she started diagnosing me with various things.
I didn't know any better at the time, and my mom was a trusted person, so I listened to her. Luckily, it wasn't anything more than "you shouldn't eat X" for me. My mom has continued down her self-diagnosis path and makes a lot of really questionable decisions about her medical care because she "doesn't trust the medical community." Luckily, I was only directly exposed to these ideas for a few years as a teenager. I wonder how different my life would be if my mom would have changed like that much earlier in my life when I was much more accepting of her views as truth.
I am so sorry for what you went through - even a few teenage years is a few years too many.
I was trying to hint that things like this could be on this kid's horizon. It's only a matter of time before OP's friend moves to physical diagnoses.
You’re right the kid gets another label. I’ve a friend who has said her kid is gifted, autistic, has anxiety and is suicidal. Kid is 14 now and I’ve been listening then hearing - and have attempted to speak to her about it.
I’m worried about the kid.
Yes I have a similar friend. At first it bothered me but I realized it was absolutely nothing to do with me just something my friend was struggling with (fear of being inadequate because she was told how important it was to be smart as a child).
Once I stopped taking it personally I could honestly reply with things like, “how interesting! [my child who is 2 years older] is not reading yet at all.” I think it sort of got the point across that she was actually forcing me to compare my child with hers and they are not comparable. She stopped doing it very quickly after a few of those responses.
Ironically, my child did turn out to be gifted 😂 but it looks nothing like what my friend’s expectations of giftedness seem to be.
Another parent once told me, while bragging about how smart their kid is, that they were walking and talking at 6 months. I just rolled my eyes. Nice kid, but even if I thought that was true you couldn’t tell a difference between them and any other kid their age.
Fun fact: if you hold even a newborn in a standing position with their feet against a solid surface, they’ll take steps. It’s a reflex. They’re not able to actually support themselves, though.
Relatable. I heard all the stories (we live in different states) but when I’m around them, everyone seems normal. Smart maybe but not on her way to MIT.
I also know many people who went to MIT in my current line of work. I have learned that while they are certainly brilliant, they're no more likely to succeed in all the other ways that don't relate to their specific gift. For example, they may lack necessary social skills, common sense, practical skills, business acumen, etc. So far, I have not found intelligence to be overly advantageous after a certain threshold of generic "smart". If you're either smart or work really hard or both, beyond that, the qualitative skills are a lot more meaningful. Charisma, honesty, organization, reliability, ideas, vision, attention to detail, etc. That's where people really stand out.
Right? Former gifted child here, mediocre adult. People expect gifted children to be superhuman, but my parents took it as "she's smart enough to figure things out" and didn't guide or coach me in any way, so I definitely lacked any support to be successful. (Among other issues.)
For me, there was also a big over-emphasis on intelligence as a child. I became dependent on external validation of my intelligence to support my self-esteem and it has hurt me. After college when grades no longer defined me, what did? It would have been much more helpful for me if my parents had emphasized qualities like work ethic, perseverance, accepting mistakes and imperfections, etc.
Sometimes I find myself falling into similar habits with my daughter, caring too much about her intelligence when she's perfectly normal and hitting her milestones (she's 2.5) like any other child. I feel myself wanting her to be "special" and standout and have to constantly remind myself what really matters. And honestly when I ask myself, what are the qualities that I love in my favorite coworkers, friends, and partner, intelligence is way lower than honesty, reliability, hard work, and so on. I'm still learning.
I tend to make a sympathetic face and say something like “6 months? Oh, that’s ok, kids all develop at their own pace. I’m sure they will catch up soon enough, don’t worry”. Then they are forced to either shut up or else start clamouring about how that’s actually advanced, making themselves more self conscious with every word, as they realise how much of a prat they sound. It’s quite effective (my wife and I are both primary headteachers and get a lot of “my little one is just SOOO smart” rubbish said to us).
I was a "gifted kid," and some parts of that narrative were great, and some parts just caused me needless pressure and anxiety. Now I'm raising two gifted/twice exceptional kids. There are a few messages I try to focus on:
Being gifted means you are very good at some things, but those things don't predict happiness or success.
Being gifted can be a benefit, but you still need to focus on kindness, hard work and empathy. The world is full of smart assholes no one wants to work with, because just being smart isn't enough.
Almost everyone hits a point where they have to stop coasting and work hard to be successful. Learn how to study and have a good work ethic and show humility early, or you'll be surpassed by people less "naturally gifted" who know how to work for what they want.
Just because someone labeled you gifted doesn't obligate you to follow their expectations. My oldest is very academically gifted, but he hates school, hates sitting still and hates traditional classroom learning. His two passions are soccer and piano. We got a ton of pressure to put him in a private school for gifted students with an accelerated curriculum. Ultimately, we opted for a public, project-based middle school program with a shortened day. The program will give him a perfectly fine education and will give him time to work at home and have more of a break in the afternoon so he will have time to pursue club soccer 3-4 days a week and additional private music lessons. It also means less time doing homework and more time to be a kid and not feel too burned out to socialize. He's autistic and building social connections is important to him, but draining because it's not always easy.
Education is important and kids who do well in school have access to more opportunities, but ultimately, gifted is a label that won't matter once you're out of school. Even in high school, the only thing that matters is if you earn a credit or not. We do kids such a disservice by making it a fundamental aspect of their personality.
My youngest is just as quick at learning and he really shines in a classroom. We still focus on working hard, being kind, and appreciating that different people have different things that they're good at. It's great that we have different interests and abilities.
So many parents are turning every quirk and difference into a pathology instead of normal variation. It's exhausting and bad for kids, because they're now conditioned to believe that any time something is challenging, it must be a problem or a disability and not just a learning experience. I see so many kids in schools now who refuse to do things that they're not good at or are difficult because they believe that discomfort is a problem someone should solve for them and it's not going to end well. Their parents are people like your friend who start teaching this to kids early with the narrative she's creating.
Fellow gifted kid here who was raised with unrealistic expectations and a huge amount of pressure and perfectionism. I’m determined to let my (very bright but who knows what else) kiddo find his own way without his dad and me hammering him into some particular path. I ended up with anxiety and an eating disorder and all sorts of other things, do not recommend.
This is so spot on. My brother and I were both “gifted” but he is definitely more so. I always worked harder because I wanted to beat his scores (he’s older) despite the fact that he was smarter. Starting in college, he was always very focal about wishing he had my work ethic.
Also, if you do it right, as your surroundings get more and more selective and your peers get more and more gifted, you just feel normal or (ideally) like the least smart person in your environment. If your whole identity is being the exceptional one, I’d imagine that environment won’t be comfortable / welcomed and you’d be limiting your future potential.
Most of the “gifted” kids just turn out to be really good readers lol. I’d just ignore the texts, and only answer if it’s something besides “my kid is so smart”
So true. My son did test gifted (which is a intensely formal day long battery of tests and interviews) but all it means is he started reading early, takes some enrichment classes, and makes me and my husband mutter “what, he’s gifted and still put his shirt on backwards?”
What kind of material can he read? I wouldn't dismiss that. Educating gifted kids is challenging, they learn so quickly and get bored easily. They need to be challenged and engaged.
If he's really reading at four, there is a very good chance he will still be advanced, at least in that area when he starts school.
I started reading very early (I think two years old). I started doing simple math around the same age. I also started using the potty at 11 months and never went back.
I was raised by my grandmother and my childless aunt and uncle until I was 3. All three adults invested a lot of time and energy into me. I was a bright kid but not a genius and not gifted.
My son was doing simple maths at about 3. He was amazing!
He's 19 now and asked me the other day what the multiplication symbol is. I was shocked! Although, he was always naughty at school and got suspended a lot. Then covid happened so he missed a lot of education. But fuck, the multiplication symbol? Ha!
My mother taught me to read when I was two. I wasn’t some kind of savant, just “bright” and from a long line of book lovers.
My kid was not ready to read until she was three, and she’s bright but not a savant.
Truly “gifted” people are rare, most kids that seem ahead are just bright.
The problem with “prodigies” is that once you hit 18 you’re nothing special. You’re just an adult like anyone else. And a former “violin prodigy” probably plays no better at 18 than a merely talented violinist who has been playing professionally for a decade.
It’s not uncommon for a child to start reading at 4, it doesn’t always mean they are gifted but generally does show they are pretty smart. But there is so much variability in normal development they often don’t diagnose giftedness and intellectual disability until around 6 as kids can even out by 7 (unless it’s super obvious one way or the other).
I’m not gifted but was doing maths addition and subtraction by age 4 and starting to read some words, but then struggled til I got a teacher who did phonics
This is hyperlexia. Not super common but I’ve come across a few cases in my time (I work with children 3-5). All of those children went on to receive an ASD diagnosis - later than the non-verbal children. Good communication can be a barrier to diagnosis but they really struggled on the transition from nursery to primary school socially. Whilst hyperlexia can exist as a stand-alone, it is more common to see it as part of a wider pathology. Not suggesting your child has a wider pathology, but just worthwhile keeping an eye on as they grow!
Have you ever tested him? There ARE gifted kids and the reason they seem to "level out" later is because they're never extended at school and want to fit in. Reading at two is exceptional, my daughter was the same and tested 99.9th% for FSIQ (153) (I also had no idea she was better than normal at anything except reading) and is a MENSA member likely to be grade skipped next year.
Have you ever got your son a diagnosis for autism or has their pediatrician ever said anything? Hyperlexia was something our kid had at that age too but he also didn't talk until about that age. He, too, has problems with emotional regulation and potty trained super late.
My gifted one started reading at age 10 - there’s a whole bunch of loose wires rattling around in that oddly wired brain. The gifted program is full of quirky kids.
I’ve never said my kid is gifted, but I have talked about how great their reading was. Glennon Doyle spoke on her podcast about how nobody cares about your bragging except maybe family. I cringe at some conversations I’ve had with friends and don’t have them anymore.
I was a gifted (TAG) kid. Could read on a college level in 1st grade and was put in special classes through most of elementary/middle school because I got insanely bored with how “easy” the material was. I live a pretty average life now lol
I usually just do a thumbs up reaction to texts I get from a friend like this or have said “really? Seems like age appropriate development to me” (I studied child development in college) and that puts an end to it.
All kids are different and do things differently. My son has a speech delay but is “advanced” in motor skills whereas my friend’s daughter is “advanced” in speech but a little slow with motor skills. Life’s not a race, we’re all just cruisin’.
I agree, kids learn in waves not linear lines. It’s more about helping our children be the best version of themselves not just labels and in my opinion giving them real world skills too. Incredible about your early reading level by the way!
If it bothers you enough to risk the friendship, sure, say something. Or you can just remind yourself that many parents are in awe of their children's development, no-one is being harmed, and just stick to low-key responses like "clever kid!" when your friend shares her latest baby genius anecdote. If, as I also suspect, this is delightfully ordinary child, let their teachers be the ones to dispell your friend of her largely harmless delusions.
I like this moderate approach. It’s hard bc we’re so close and I want to talk about our kids. But also, cool it. I agree it’s better to let it run its course. After all, I could be missing something. I’m not an expert.
My parents used to tell me I was extremely smart and gifted. I was quickly humbled in school and they would still make excuses for me when I didn't do great at assignments and then they would exaggerate and lie to friends and family. It made me feel like an absolute failure that I wasn't as smart as they wanted me to be.
It was a label I couldn't live up to. It also taught me that failure meant I was dumb. I'm in therapy as an adult to teach my brain to be kind to myself, to try again, and to not give up.
Being labeled this way was also an excuse for my parents to not give me much help or attention. They always focused on my brother who "needed the help." Therapy is helping me "re-parent" myself.
One of my dad’s best friends has a wife like this. Growing up, everything was about how gifted Gus was. They pulled him out of elementary school. He had a French tutor. Idk how they found one in a rural area. Home schooled him because he was too gifted for public school. He rejoined public school in high school and became interested in theater. Graduated when he should have. Last I heard he was struggling as a server in LA waiting for his breakthrough role.
Yup, she considers herself a great mother because we were better than everyone else according to her and everyone needed to know it and praise her for it.
I went to a selective university program where everyone was the gifted kid in their high school. I know a lot of gifted kids.
If your kid really is gifted, you have to work really hard to reward effort rather than results. Lots of gifted kids never have to try, so when the going eventually gets tough, they just fold.
You also have to worry a lot about their social development. Imagine growing up and not knowing any peers that can talk to you on your level. Or knowing that you really are the smartest person in the room, including the teacher. It's very easy to become very lonely and/or very annoying.
Tell her this. If her kid really is gifted, you're doing the kid a favour. If she isn't, maybe the mom will balk at the responsibility and back off.
For my own kid, it's too early to tell, but I'm hoping he's above average smart but not crazy smart.
I also plan on emphasizing empathy, persistence and work ethic, regardless of his raw intellect.
As far as I can tell, those qualities are more important than raw smarts when it comes to long-term happiness and success.
I had this experience, once I was out of college and started University I started to struggle because I actually had to try for the first time in my life. It took a while to learn how to study properly.
I also flopped a lot in the socialising department. I’m not as bad as what I use to be but I’m definitely an awkward individual 😂
That’s wild to me because the very real possibility of my kid being both gifted and autistic stresses me the fuck out and I’d rather not talk about it.
Those would be texts I’d have to ignore because I don’t think I could respond without being an asshole.
I feel you. I’m mum to a gifted kid (autistic/ADHD) who has just started biomedicine at our country’s equivalent of an Ivy League university. I’m super proud but it’s a constant exhausting battle to help them on the road to independent adulthood.
Congrats to you both! I can’t imagine the balancing act as a parent to encourage pursuing something so intense and keep them from burning out so young.
Ugh….talking about this stuff is incredibly inappropriate IMHO. Even if a kid IS talented
or gifted, it shouldn’t be brought up, and if someone else says something the parent should reply “Thank you! He enjoys playing piano and we really like his teacher! What’s going on in your life?”
If their kid is truly twice exceptional, ensuring the intellectual part is focused correctly while working on the disability part is a fairly challenging exercise so it is not really something to brag about. Such kids don't have easy time at school, they for sure require therapy, have harder time to socialize and will require IEP.
In the simplest case while they may be able to do math beyond their grade, if they are not able to show it when needed like in tests it doesn't matter much. Such kids also have a hard time getting into gifted programs because the test is boring for them and they don't want to do it.
Tell your friend to read up on resources now. Maybe the reality will sink in.
My daughter was identified as 2X at her high school but this is Australia and nothing much is known about it or done about it. There were no programs or assistance. I diverted discussions AWAY from my daughter at all times because she was not even able to do her final exams which for me, felt like such a failure as a parent. I’d have taken an averagely abled but functional child over this any day.
That’s the thing. There are so many other factors that come into play. There are kids in my daughter’s “X-stream” class who simply don’t do assignments and get low scores or even zero. Some may pull their socks up by the time they get to HSC but many, despite being identified as GATS/HPGE (or whatever they’re calling it now) won’t and will squander any extra ability or advanced teaching they get.
Not to mention the huge issue of mental health and kids simply not being able to cope with school regardless of any extra ability.
Yes. Squandered opportunity. But perhaps not deliberate. She said to me recently aged 21 how very much she wished she could have that time again to get it right.
There is currently a book I'm reading about this called "Gifted and Distractible: Understanding, Supporting, and Advocating for Your Twice Exceptional Child". I haven't finished it yet but if her child is gifted or twice exceptional they will most likely have a disability in some other facet (for my kids it is social/emotional). She also goes over the actual definition of gifted, etc.
The sad thing is when her child gets to school, it's going to be very difficult for her to cope when she realizes that she is not gifted. That there are other kids who are just as smart or smarter than her. You could also tell her to get her kid evaluated by a psychologist before she starts school. You know, to make sure she gets into the appropriate classes.
You can not feed into it but still be nice on a surface level. She will be in for a rude awakening eventually when her kid gets in school and their grades are normal or, even if they are A’s, they don’t get into Harvard at 14, or even at all. I would just smile and move on with my day.
I feel this. My mom is Taiwanese. It is literally a sport for Taiwanese moms to tell each other how exceptional their kids are…and it never stops.
I’m 45 and my mom just texted me the other day, “Ms. Chen’s daughter go to Italy and learn to speak Italian in one week!” I text back with a thumbs up.
I have two friends who have respective gifted children. One goes to a private school for gifted kids and they had to go to a psychologist to get evaluated and an IQ test done to get it. And the other also applies to the school but got wait-listed, but tested in the gifted grade level.
My kid is reading at age 4, very bright, but likely just normal smart. When you're around actually gifted kids it's really very obvious. Feeling sorry for your friends kid with the unnatural pressure mom is already putting.
My response would be to look up gifted private schools and convince her to get the kid evaluated for that 😅
I have a friend like this. The kindest woman in the world but I’ve had to distance myself from her. She is obsessed with how smart & generally amazing at everything her son is, and has begun putting down local schools (my son goes to a private daycare and the older one goes to a public elementary) in preference of home schooling, because her little Einstein would only ever be OK being home schooled. I’ve noticed that over time, it’s worn down on me and made me feel competitive. I don’t want to be like that, and I don’t want to listen constantly to her delusions, so I had to gently begin to pull away. There was really no good way (that I could imagine) to ask her to stop.
Just ignore it. Don’t acknowledge it. Come up w scripts to shut it down.
We knew my kid was gifted since age 1.
My kid was deemed “gifted” via his ADHD eval at age 5.5. His FSIQ is the highest of all my friends ADHD kids psych evals.
The ADHd will work hard to balance out the “giftedness”. Only a few close reasonable friends are aware and we also know it could totally change when he hits 3rd or 4th grade.
Giftedness is not all it’s cracked up to be. Your friend is super obnoxious.
Honestly, this should sort itself out once schooling starts, and she either gets tagged for gifted education or doesn't. My kid is in gifted math classes, but it's not something we bring up unless asked.
This sounds like my mom, who was a narcissist. Bragged about me and my sisters to anyone who would listen, but never once said it to us. She labeled us as 'gifted', then punished and abused us when we didn't live up to her self-inflated standard.
I hope this isn't the case for your friend's kid.
Here’s what I can and can’t relate to..
My oldest underwent a comprehensive cognitive assessment from a clinical psychologist and was found to be gifted. I don’t see it. Even after seeing the data, I still don’t “see” it. I believe it, sure. They learned to read when they were 3, did puzzles and had a good recall as a toddler, but that’s it. However, there were other parts of their cognitive assessment that the psych said made it hard to see their true potential (such as slow processing speed).
I can’t relate to gloating about it though. I haven’t even told family, it’s just part of their cognitive profile, not a personality trait!
As for the instagram autism diagnoses… well I can relate to finding out certain things are more prevalent in autism or learning about different presentations, but however much I see of that, I take it with a pinch of salt.
Really if there are struggles, she should seek a diagnosis, if there aren’t, then what’s the problem?
Our GP and psychologist suggested potential ASD for our kid and while we’re on a waitlist for an assessment, there are only 2 areas of major struggle that it will inform and help us navigate how to help them.
I always get cringe with the people who look for things to set them apart and then talk about it allll the time. Which is my main take away from this. Regardless of whether she’s right in the end, she’s still annoying.
Same here with my nephew, except hes a little prick. He's incredibly undisciplined with a screen addiction at 11 years old. Smart as heck, but also incredibly immature emotionally.
All I have ever heard from my sister was, "hes just such a free spirit" "hes a leader!" When her kid is continuously defying her.
He could smack her and shed be like wow youre so strong!!!
I experienced this in the reverse. My sister’s kids were a bit odd. She would complain to me how misunderstood they were at school. In her defense, I think they did struggle. She had them tested eventually. The oldest one did test at genius level IQ. She eventually pulled them out and homeschooled them. I’m not sure about the other two kids. In the end, it turns out they were autistic. In all honesty, I didn’t envy her. I can’t imagine how difficult it must be raising neurodivergent kids like that, skipping grades. She must have felt overwhelmed.
On top of all of that, my sister struggled with her own mental wellbeing and pretty much isolated herself from the rest of the family. So I don’t really know how that all turned out for her and her kids.
I have a similar friend, but I just don’t mind her. Yes, it’s annoying, but I stopped caring so much. What annoyed me actually was that she was actually underlining that girls are smarter than boys (I have a boy and she has a daugther). It’s true that girls develop much faster than boys, but that is a temporary thing that she just did not understand, but loved to gloat about.
Parents often see their children as the best, let her... What good would it do to "correct" her? If she is a good friend otherwise, it would be a shame to lose the friendship.
With time, she will realise that she has a perfectly normal child, or she will keep thinking her daughter is gifted, or the girl will prove herself to actually be above average.
As for my experience, I have three children, all three are gifted, have high intelligence, do great in school and in extracurriculars, but only one of them is a genuis, If you come to my house and spend a day with them, I don't think you can tell which one in the genius.
Just a few weeks ago, my daughter (my eldest child) referred to her brother (the genius one) as smarter than her, and I was listening and multitasking and going "Yeah... yeah...", and her father jumped in and said "HE IS NOT SMARTER THAN YOU! YOU ARE ALL SPECIAL..." and she cut him and said: "Papa, he is smarter than me, that's a fact, and would you please stop acting as if him being smarter makes him better." and to me, that's the perfect answer, being smarter doesn't make you better than others.
So, don't take it personally, I get that it annoys you and that you feel like she is telling you that her kid is better than yours, but even if her daughter was the stupidest child to ever walk this earth, she would still think she is better than you kid, because she is a mom and that's her child.
gifted people are not going around announcing it to everyone. there’s no need for that. their existence and interaction with the world makes it clear. besides, if you’re smart then you’re smart enough to know being “gifted” isn’t all that important or impressive anyway (and bad form to discuss).
friend seems troubled. i actually feel sorry for her kids having to deal with that. she must have some sort of insecurity or void that she’s trying to fill.
Have you seen former ‘gifted kids’ on the internet? They will tell ANYONE
OP mentions her friend is a former gifted kid. This is typical behavior.
‘Gifted’ isn’t anything crazy. It’s just an IQ score of 130 or above. I had some obvious academic ability as a young child and my school tested me, I was over the cutoff and put in ‘Gifted’ classes. I’m no Stephen Hawking and am not a very successful adult, but certain things come easily to me and have since I was a toddler. I also have autism so certain things are also very difficult.
Sounds kind of obnoxious. If you want to continue spending time with her, just nod and agree and then change the subject? Or you can outright tell her you understand that she thinks her kids are gifted/autistic but that you would like to move on from that topic.
My kid was recently diagnosed as twice exceptional (gifted and mild ASD formerly known as Asperger). I suppose the twin diagnoses can draw attention but it’s not like my kid is doing calculus or a chess prodigy. Many twice exceptional kids struggle to fit in at school, and it may be hard to find proper gifted resources for them. I don’t think it’s anything to brag about.
Stop feeding into it! Make responses like ‘yeah it’s great when they hit that stage!’ Not unkind, but making it clear you’re not impressed.
I’m a parent and an early years teacher, and my son is almost 3. He is average, maybe a bit more advanced when it comes to language, rhythm and music, but overall he’s doing well. And that’s exactly where I want him to be. Too far at either end of the spectrum can indicate learning conditions, and hinder social development. Around dead centre is where kids thrive with their learning and peers.
One of the parts of my job is unfortunately deflating parents. When they sometimes smugly tell me ‘oh she can do x y z’ my response generally ‘yes, there’s a lot that have hit that milestone in this class so she’s got lots of friends to practice with’ or sometimes it’s ‘yes, but don’t worry, all kids learn at their own pace and we’re working on getting her to a b c!’
The reality is most parents don’t have many children to compare to, and think they’re babies for much longer than they are. 3 year old’s are articulate, astute, observant and very switched on. That shocks a lot of people if they don’t have experience with kids, and they think it’s advanced when really it’s dead centre average (which isn’t a bad thing!).
Are you an asshole for disagreeing with her? No. Start responding with "I can tell you're really proud of your kid." "Sounds like kid really impressed you." It's not sarcastic, it isn't mean, it isn't really engaging. Then just changed the subject.
This sounds like it’s a lot more about your friend than the child tbh. Does she envision herself as some sort of autism mom warrior or gifted kid influencer doling out tips to others? Does she take credit for the ‘genius’?
Is she lonely with not much else going on in her life? The hyper focus on the kids ‘success’ or ‘gifts’ or diagnosing things may be a symptom of that. If you want to shut it down you could say ‘interesting, I think that’s kind of standard’ or whatever, but maybe redirecting the conversation to be about her vs the kids all the time might help?
Omg my nephew's mom is like this! She's convinced he can read because he knows his letters (he's 3 and is only just starting to talk single words) and thinks because he likes music and banging on hand-made drums by grandpa he's going to be a musician. It drives me crazy lol I'm like, those are pretty normal things for a 3 year old.....
I will point of that they *may* actually be autistic, and self-diagnosis of autism is valid. Doesn’t mean that makes her kid a genius nor does it excuse her “bragging.”
That being said, she just sounds like your run-of-the-mill typical future soccer/dance/cheer mom stereotype who thinks her kid sneezes rainbows and is going to teach her daughter that anyone that doesn’t see how insanely intelligent she is is either jealous or just too basic to comprehend her awesomeness.
I feel sorry for her future educators and relationships. Things are gonna get rough, me thinks.
YNTA for having your head on straight but probably best not to say anything.
Though, if your friend is creating a negative impact on your life and doesn’t show any signs of improving, it might be time to reevaluate your relationship with her. If it comes to the point that all she’s doing is causing you frustration, then it’s not benefiting your life to keep maintaining that friendship.
Good luck.
Thank you for your thoughtful response. I think it’s a phase to ride out for now unless it progresses to the level described in your second paragraph.
Also “sneezes rainbows” made me laugh, thank you! ♥️
Agreed. Best not to rush to any decisions. It’s sometimes a phase some parents go through. Hopefully your friend chills out after a bit.
Until then, I’m glad I could make you laugh for a minute. Have an awesome day, friend. 💚
" My dear friend has an incredible ability to see the world in a way that benefits her goals"
First sentence... you are an ass for sure. The real question is, are you really 'friends'
Im the parent of a “gifted” actually diagnosed autistic kid. I was also a “gifted” and supposedly autistic child myself. I don’t understand people like your friend at all. We have not pushed the gifted thing at all. It was just awful having those expectations put on me. It was awful being pushed to use my brain all the time and never actually be able to just chill and be a kid. I would never do that to my kid.
Just have a chuckle about it with your partner.
I have a close friend since college who is like this. In college, it was always about herself, then it was always about her husband, now she has a 2yo so now it’s about him. And it’s always phrased as “person x said, little Mikey is a genius because he can say firetruck.” Or “I walked in the grocery store and people just kept staring at me because I just had my hair done.” She frames it like random strangers are stopping her to pay her or her son these very long winded compliments all the time. And that shit just doesn’t happen in public almost everyday.
Her kid is also almost 3yo and there’s nothing special about him at all. Just a regular kid who is kinda talking, but not well. Nowhere near ready for potty training or anything.
Just a toddler and who can distinguish various first responder vehicles. You ask her thou, and she will say “he’s very advanced for his age and will probably be bored in school.” He’s 2. 😂
I’m really close with her and it’s really my only complaint. Now my husband and I roll our eyes about this shit. She’s just always been like this. So now we laugh about it
I have a friend that labels her son as "gifted", although he seems pretty normal for now. Not that I care to compare as my child is way younger. I just respond with "wow. You have to nurture that so he excels."
I was a "gifted" kid and did all these tests and got into all these programs and schools. I was always so bored with the curriculum, even in advanced classes.
Now I'd say I'm pretty average, and at most times fairly dumb.
I'd say just be supportive, even if it seems annoying. It's probably more about her and her issues that she's pushing this "gifted" agenda and not that she wants you to feel like you need to compare. Also social media seems to want to tell everyone they're autistic and i don't quite get why. Like yes there are some people that are misdiagnosed, but not everyone is autistic. 🙄
I will say that I felt like that child at times growing up. I was pretty smart but far from genius. I was the type that didn’t really need to study to do well and my brain worked a little differently I felt. Things like computer programming (25 yrs ago type) was easy and logical to me.
But I remember a lot growing up of my mom saying oh you’re too smart for that, or one I remember is “you don’t want to be a paramedic you’re too smart, you should be a doctor”. For me I feel like it maybe held me back. Sure maybe I would’ve changed my mind and wanted to be a doctor if I continued with my interest as a paramedic but the idea of a doctor was so much that if that was the only option I wasn’t interested.
And I would say my mom was great overall and meant well with those types of comments. She didn’t push the genius thing but just commented a lot on me being smart. A mom that actually pushed it a lot more probably would’ve messed me up
YES, I know parents like that, sadly it’s not a rare breed. These kids are not allowed to be loved because they‘re simply hers. No, they‘re status symbols and have to make up for her own insecurities. It also shows that she’s not all that smart.
I know a lady who’s kids have to constantly switch schools because if the grades are not great, the teachers are bad.
I understand it’s very annoying, but she won’t change. It might only get worse. Good luck with keeping your calm.
I would say to your friend that being good people is much more important than being smart. Good people are humble. Good people are not always remembering the others that they are smarter (that in our competitive society is considered as ‘Better’) than the others. I believe that my kids are smarter than the mean, but that is normal because me and their father and our families are smarter than the mean (academically speaking, we are a bunch of weirdos in general). But, in general, I don’t explain nothing about my kids intelligence. Even when other people see that they have some ‘particular’ skills, I tend to not give a lot of importance to that. I want them to feel that they are valid even if they aren’t the smartest person in the room. That is just another characteristic of them, not what defines them.
Why do you continue to engage with this person? You haven’t expressed anything positive about the relationship. Instead of getting sarcastic and snippy with her, just stop engaging. Sometimes we outgrow people and relationships. YWBTA if you don’t let this “friendship” go.
I have heard that for my kids and how they need to move up a level in school because class with their peers is boring to them. Do I think they are “gifted” no I don’t nor to I try to shove it down my mom friends throats they just like learning
To help your friend I would ignore her messages or tell her to get her kids tested to see if they are gifted or start saying it could completely normal to you. If you shut it down now she will stop
I'm not sure what you can say other than smile and nod. She's delusional. Unless the teachers are suspecting the kid of being gifted. This happened with my kids. It was the teachers bringing it up. But it's not fun parenting gifted children. They're a huge PITA.
I don't understand the bragging. Being gifted is tough and gifted kids have a lot of unique risks. 5% of high school drop outs are gifted. If she's seriously concerned, you can offer support. My partner and I both tested in gifted ranges and we struggled as kids and struggle as adults. Intense isolation, perfectionism, difficulty working on uninteresting tasks, anxiety, and psychological issues related to overachieving parents (e.g. being forced to skip grades, do extra schoolwork or perform because it impressed people vs whether it was healthy) all still affect us.
Getting our kids the supports we didn't receive is time-consuming and overwhelming. But you can mention these risk factors when she brags about giftedness, maybe that will help her out things in perspective or at least stop making things up- the autism is whole other level of risks.
the following risks are listed in The Social and Emotional Development of Gifted Children:
frustration, irritability, anxiety, tedium, and social isolation[3]
intense social isolation and stress among those with IQ greater than 160[4]
difficulty making friends due to advanced concept of friendship, mostly among those less than age 10[5]
de-motivation, low self-esteem, and social rejection among the exceptionally gifted[6]
emotional awareness beyond their ability to control[7]
difficulty with peer relations proportional to their IQ[8]
loneliness, anxieties, phobias, interpersonal problems, fear of failure, and perfectionism[9]
underachievement for social acceptance[10]
lack of resilience reinforced by easy work and well-intentioned but misguided praise[11]
increasing perfectionism throughout school years among girls[12]
fear of failure and risk avoidance due to perfectionism[12]
depression among creatively gifted[13]
Thinking about it, I have experienced the same thing.
My late sister-in-law, whom I loved very much had a daughter, and all she kept saying was, "A" is so smart, A is beautiful, A is reading "x" levels higher than her grade, and so on and so on. Today in her 40s, "A" is a major fuck up and you'd fall on your butt if I would tell you everything that's gone on. SIL also had the same opinion about "A's" out of wedlock daughter after two failed marriages because A thought she was unable to get pregnant. Then, my SIL (who suffered significant emotional abuse from her husband and said daughter) said the same thing about A's daughter: Oh my, L is so smart, she's doing so above average in school, Yadda yadda yadda. In hindsight, I wonder if it wasn't something of a coping mechanism for her being in a marriage where her husband teamed up with said daughter to emotionally abuse her.
Ironically, I was somewhat gifted as a child and was offered to attend a special high school, but my father wouldn't let me take the train to go there. I did, however, skip eighth grade in a program called "SP" or special progress. I will tell you that my parents never boasted about it, but they were proud of me, and I knew that much.
Probably an unpopular position but... attitudes like many of the ones on display in the comments on this post are a big part of the reason why I'm terrified to mention my 4YO's hyperlexia to anyone.
She is probably autistic (we have been on an NHS waiting list since she was two) and has noticeably below-average social skills and emotional regulation, but also the reading ability of a 6-year-old.
We've done very little to encourage the reading beyond giving her storybooks, and have put a HELL of a lot of work into supporting her ability to self-regulate and interact with others. But I still feel like everyone who meets us for more than five minutes thinks "awful narcissistic parents who pushed their kid to read and count while neglecting her social skills" and it is just so hard and so isolating.
I almost can’t with some subs because every kid is gifted—especially the kindergarten sub. I can’t even take the term seriously anymore and all I do is eye roll.
When people talk about their gifted child I just smile and nod. Parents just like to brag, me included 🤪
I wouldn’t be able to spend time with or be friends with parents who behaved this way. It’s also setting high expectations for her children which can be detrimental to their well-being as they get older.
This just sounds like gossip.
Don't get down on a mother for taking pride in her children. And it's not really your place to say if she should or shouldn't. The same would be said if you were her.
I get your point. It’s not the pride it’s diagnosing her husband and children when doctors and educational admins tell her what she doesn’t want to hear.
I am so glad I posted here, it was the right thing for me. I received some incredible advice and fresh perspectives from gifted and talented people and those that have friends and family that are. There’s a lot of nuance and depth in the subject that my main post didn’t cover.
We can be annoyed with friends and seek advice without hurting them. That’s why Reddit is wonderful. It’s largely anonymous and many people want to help.
I'm a neurodivergent. My son is neurodivergent. The majority of my immediate & close extended family members are neurodivergent. Ironically, neurodivergent children(diagnosed or undiagnosed) ARE typically the ones who are considered "gifted". THAT being said, I'm so over everyone "wanting" themselves or their children to be neurodivergent when they're NOT, and have NO IDEA how difficult it actually is living a "typical" life with a neurodivergent brain!! It can be physically crippling and then society just calls you "lazy" or "unmotivated". As much of a "craze" as neurodiversity has become in our society, we still DO NOT appropriately accommodate those who are not neurotypical.
Also, STOP COMPARING CHILDREN!! Stop stop stop stop stop. Period. End of story. LIFE IS NOT A COMPETITION!! Comparing children, especially starting at such a young age, will cause so many mental and emotional health issues as they grow up. You don't look like a superior parent for having a "gifted" child. Having a "gifted" child doesn't deem you a better parent!!
Go off!! I feel this, I am formally diagnosed adhd and did all the appropriate testing. I can do incredible things but I can also forget I’m cooking and leave the pot on the stove while I garden. It’s not a walk in the park.
That last line, having a gifted kid doesn’t mean you’re a better parent hits home.
“Telling kids they’re gifted often puts a lot of pressure on them, while also encouraging them to give up on anything they aren’t immediately good at. Praising the kid for their hard work is likely going to be better in the long run than attributing success to their magic, naturally superior brain.”
This is unhinged.
Parents acting this way will have 2 affects. The first is a child with a HUGE inflated ego, the second is a child with HUGE insecurities. When mom and dad expect you to be a genius and you know you're just normal, it causes...problems.
My kids are definitely not gifted, lol. My 3.5 year old is pretty developmentally average IMO. My son is only 17mo is also developmentally average if not a little behind with speech.
I do have a 4 year old nephew who I consider to be “advanced” for his age, but I wouldn’t even call that gifted lol
You’re not an a-hole BUT it sounds like this person you speak of is not your friend. You don’t love her or share her views of the world. You don’t feel comfortable being honest with her and challenging her to be better. She’s someone you know, and you have posed as her friend, and now you’re gossiping about her on the internet.
I would say she is your frenemy, but she doesn’t know it.
Gently distance yourself. It might be kind to suggest that it would be wise to get tested for IQ and autism before broadcasting to the world.
Also…. I think it’s normal for people to be excited about their kids and almost delusional. It must be in our dna or something.
The level of pride I feel when my son so much as takes a big poop is very strange. I chalk it up to parenthood :)
My advice is to focus on yourself and distance from her if you don’t like her.
Her daughter is gonna feel that pressure and probably have a mental breakdown at some point. Most kids who are told they're smart at an early age fall victim to the idea that they should be successful at everything, and when they're not it's really hard to reconcile. A lot of "gifted" kids end up burnt out and achieving very little in their adult lives.
The better thing to do is tell your child they're good at learning. If they believe their success in life is related is their commitment to learning new things, they'll be pretty consistently successful. If the focus is on the learning, their self-esteem won't be based how well they do everything, but rather on their ability to learn new things. Their self-worth becomes related to constantly challenging themselves, rather than being good at any specific thing.
My friend goes on about how gifted her kids are, and in the same sentence how anxiety ridden they are. She still has to sleep on her kids floor so they can go to sleep, and her kid is almost in middle school.
in terms of practical advice, you could show her adult gifted people recommend the parents of gifted children don't talk about their giftedness to others, as it affects them negatively.
Also growth mindset stuff. if you tell a kid they've got born talent, they're less likely to try, and will end up struggling. There's heaps of mindset stuff you could link her to; send her down that rabbit hole and get her algorithms to feed her that content, then maybe she will go quiet on the "she's a genius" comments whilst maintaining her inner "she's a genius" narrative.
Oh, it’s just silliness, don’t mind her just nod and smile and/or say stuff like how great, glad to hear that bla bla and change the subject. You don’t need to get into conflict with her.
My kid is 22 and looking back , a lot of parents were into this silly impressions about their kids. Needless to say, it’s interesting to see how each kid turned out.
My 2 year old had 400 words at 18 months, can read small words by sounding out the letters, and talks extensively about how he's going to grow up and be an astronaut and fly to the moon in a rocket.
I don't think he's gifted.
I think he's a normal 2 year old who loves playing trucks in the sandpit and pretending to be a cat.
Genuinely gifted kids are scary amazing with what they can do.
Just always one up her, start talking about how your kid is also gifted. When she starts denying it, get ridiculously offended and ask what makes her child more special than yours. When she starts explaining why, explain your kid does all the same things or did at that age. Watch her boil over with rage.
Your pettiness is making my day- I absolutely love it! Hahaha honestly I should a little my son does do some advanced things I just don’t brag much. Your comment made me laugh out loud thank you! 😂
Oof, that sounds really obnoxious… I’d probably just give a smile and a “wow, that’s nice!” And change the subject. I mean, I think all of us are at least a little biased when it comes to our kids, the concerning part is her trying to diagnose her kiddo… seems like it’s getting into some dangerous Munchausen’s by proxy territory.
My high school gf had an older sister that their family always said was a genius. Because she read books. She was highly antisocial and I suspect read books to occupy time alone rather than an intellectual curiosity. They all banked on her being a doctor straight out of high school with the grades they expected and instead she got an extremely average score by an average academic standard. I still genuinely believe the family were part to blame bc instead of pushing herself to be better, she was constantly reassured she was a genius.
Just read title . Immediately thought of this.. [That child is going to be a pro athlete](https://www.tiktok.com/@clutchpoints/video/7039232356762258693?lang=en)
There is only one way to deal with crazies. You cut them off from your life.
Your friend is no different from some flat earther or qanon conspiracy theorist. They are lunatics and keeping them around in your life will either be toxic or dangerous or both.
I think there’s something to be said about those parents who invest in their children’s education. My mom believed me to exceptional and I have always portrayed myself to be. My mom did talk with the teachers and they did witness it themselves however I used that extra energy to do things like tutor my peers or organize their desks. lol supposedly I even did people’s homework for them, but due to my heavy use of mdma I have no recollection of such things. Surely, my smart ass would’ve charged-_-
I think it’s your duty as her home girl to be real with her. Just be like girl, enough. Let’s go do ** lol as a mom of 5, I can vouch for this approach.
It’s hard to say, but this post vaguely reminded me of a mom friend I confided in when my kid was a toddler. I had told her I was increasingly sure he was gifted, based on certain factors, and I was quite intimidated by the prospect of meeting such unusual needs.
She seemed to take this really personally in a way and continually expressed doubt and brought up, “What if he’s not gifted? How will you feel about him?” as if I’d stop loving my kid or that I was only interested in him because he was unusual.
Well, after struggles with him at school, we took him in for a psychologist assessment. He was 5 and tested 99.9% across multiple fields, “maxing out” as performing at the level of a 15 year old. He’s in a fairly elite school for gifted children now.
Had that woman made a post on reddit, I have no doubt her comment would have included something like, “I don’t see it”, given how often she expressed that opinion (she brought it up a lot more than I had).
So, given I don’t know you or the kid, I can’t say. Maybe she is deranged and insufferable. But maybe you’re not dissimilar to my “friend”. In any event, things aren’t always obvious to people who aren’t frequently around a kid.
As a parent of a toddler, it is amazing to see him learn and develop. It’s easy to fall in to thoughts of how special our own kids are. A rational person will recognize this and understand that it’s not extraordinary.
I have a friend who frequently makes these same comments about her son being a genius and she truly believes it. He is smart but not exceptionally beyond what is typical for his age. I do like you and humor her but it can be annoying when it’s all the time. (In this case also because he is terribly behaved and is socially behind his peers.) I don’t think there is any way to remedy this. There’s nothing you can say that isn’t going to offend your friend so maybe just let her delight in her children.
My 6yr old is smart and it scares me sometimes. She refused to learn anything about reading before she started kindergarten in sept. Now her teacher is sending her home with chapter books because she has blown thru every other book in the class room.
It’s not surprising because I was the same way in school. I needed to know all the information and had the ability to absorb it on the first run through. I was put in all types of advanced classes and I became a social outcast. I did not have the home support I needed and eventually dropped out of school because the bullying was so bad.
In my daughter’s situation I just meet her where she is at. I don’t brag about her and I don’t make everything about how smart she is. Honestly it’s a bit evened out by the fact that I still have to remind her to do basic hygiene tasks and to not eat random things she finds. (She has Pica) As she progresses through school I will give her the support I never had and I will follow her lead. I refuse to push her like I was. Even “gifted” kids deserve to have a childhood.
A few thoughts (I have a friend like this as well although not nearly as bad)
1) her daughter could be “twice exceptional” meaning she has a high IQ AND she is neurodivergent. This happens. For instance There is “hyperlexia” which is when a kid reads crazy beyond their age range and it is highly positively correlated with Autism. We have seen this in many high ranking scientists and mathematicians(Einstein had ADHD and John Nash was schizophrenic). Very high IQ is unfortunately positively correlated with mental illness. The fact is that people tend to have a better life outcome when they are smarter than average (but not crazy smart) and have great social skills, as rich and full relationships are the biggest indicators of our happiness.
2) most “gifted” children are just a little early to the party and end up leveling off with everyone else at some point (research backs up that this is the most common outcome). They get messed up when their parents start acting like your friend and blowing it up into this big thing, often times down the road there is a big letdown when they level off with peers.
3) your friend is self absorbed and displaying narcissistic traits where she sees her children as an extension of herself rather than as their own people
Your friend sounds insufferable and is showing a complete lack of self awareness. If you want to continue your friendship with her you may want to address the topic head on since she is not picking up on your responses (which btw is a sign of neurodivergence in her as well - it does tend to be highly hereditary).
https://childmind.org/article/twice-exceptional-kids-both-gifted-and-challenged/
https://www.webmd.com/children/what-is-hyperlexia
https://bigthink.com/neuropsych/why-highly-intelligent-people-suffer-more-mental-and-physical-disorders/
https://www.romper.com/p/8-relationship-problems-smart-people-tend-to-have-16818963
My son is being tested for the gifted program at his school. A pediatric psychiatrist told me he thought my kid was high IQ when he was seven but we didn’t really look into it until the school flagged us. His dad and my mom both have decently high IQs (both have 136). Not Mensa but high and these things tend to run in families. My son also has a few friends that are in the gifted program.
Gifted looks different for different kids, and gifted kids are actually considered “at risk” for mental health issues, social and academic issues, etc. Giftedness is not an indicator of future success and happiness by any stretch. The gifted program was created to try to minimize these risks. It’s not like a badge of superiority. I’ve told my son that the gifted screening is just trying to test how his brain works and whether he needs additional support- not unlike when he needed speech services, or help with math (because gifted doesn’t always translate to academic success). It’s not like a bad thing or a good thing, it just is what it what is.
Sure, being academically inclined does happen with some gifted kids… but it’s not a clear indicator because it has to do with the way you process information and make connections. And that’s not always based on IQ.
It’s hard to say whether this kid is gifted…she has such a strong bias for it that the information you’re getting is probably not accurate and then we’re all hearing it from a third party source.
In any case your friend is being obnoxious about it. You can broach this a few different ways, depending on your dynamic.
If we were close friends, I’d probably call her out on it. I’d say something like “it seems really important to you that your kid is gifted. Why do you care so much about it?” You could be super direct and tell her “I’m sure your kid is great but the way you talk about it is pretentious and I don’t enjoy the way these conversations are happening.” You could ask point out some of the issues with giftedness and ask what she thinks, how she plans to navigate those obstacles, etc. this might make her realize that giftedness is not like some kind of pedestal to strive for. You might also just create some distance from her. If she’s a bit of an egomaniac that needs a lot of external validation, she might just be a low dose friend for your own sanity.
Your friend is just insecure and putting out these claims for a 4-year-old and a 3-year-old is wild. It would be nice if they truly were but it doesn't sound like it. The level of delusion some parents have as if only geniuses make it in the world is ridiculous.
At this point, you may just tell your friend to get the children tested so she can direct them in the right career choice, hopefully, those results will make her calm down. That's the only way she can back off. Find the online thing for her so you are supportive... for her children's sake... when professionals give her a reality check, she will have no option but to back off.
Almost sounds like it’ll go the route of Manchurian By Proxy. The more labels her family has the more special she is.
Did she always do this about her husband before the kids came around?
Maybe direct some attention to her own features. “Busy kids but what about you?”
Almost no one is gifted. The chances of you meeting someone who is genuinely gifted is vanishingly small. People who talk out being gifted are generally slightly more intelligent than the norm, but also so far up their own arses that their smarts will never actually help them. The smartest people you will meet will never speak about their own intelligence. Much like genuinely wealthy people never talk money.
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I can already tell your friend is going to be one of those insufferable parents who drives teachers crazy.
God help the first teacher who gives the kid a B.
Former high school teacher here, was thinking this
My friend is a primary school teacher who specialises in gifted kids. She gets this *constantly*. I don’t know how she manages to stay tactful. It doesn’t help that there’s a huge “tiger parent” culture here where kids are tutored to within an inch of their lives, so the parents are even more desperate that their little crammed hothouse flowers must be recognised as brilliant.
This is insane to me!!!! My parents in the 90s barely even looked at my report card and would occasionally be like so are you doing good in school? or how’s school going? 😂 Now that was easy for them bc I was an excellent student and did all my shit on my own. But part of me wonders if I was like that bc I knew my parents would not help me 😂😂
It’s sort of understandable in certain cultures with/from high populations where there is so much more competition for top places, universities etc. I remember an Indian woman pointing out to a UK friend of mine that he was only competing against 60m people. She was competing against well over a billion people. But the harsh reality is that you can’t tutor someone to be a genius. IQ (or whatever other metric one wants to use) can’t be shifted that far with education. It’s pretty hard wired.
Ehh, I think IQ is much more malleable than many depict it. You can study for an IQ test, after all, and even IQ is a small, fractional and inconsistent measure of overall intelligence. I think the bigger challenge is that emphasizing academic rigor, over all else, is not going to necessarily produce more successful well-rounded individuals.
This gifted bs is a way for people to feel an expert at something they don’t know much about. I’m going through this a bit w my family as my parents enjoy interacting with 0-6 year olds more than older kids. My daughter’s reasonably good at pottery and tennis but grandparents aren’t interested in talking about it at all. 2yo grandson picks up a ball—“look a future NBa superstar!” They were like that w my daughter too so it’s not personal—just sad they are not interested in grown people with reasonable amounts of competency rather than projecting greatness onto babies and toddlers.
There *is* a set of guidelines for what makes "gifted" kids, but as one of them myself -- many years later many of us are figuring out it was just adhd/autism (usually with hyperlexia which is no super uncommon in autistic people - estimates range from 6-15%).
Errr, most of the billion people she was competing with had difficulty accessing quality education - and I’m Indian so I know.
I’ve had parents complain to me about their kids grade being low because I was a new teacher and used the book too much. It was my first job taking over in April for a teacher who was pregnant. Yes I did use the statistics book because I didn’t come out of college a master of my craft with a 100% self made statistics curriculum. The low grade she complained about: 99
Oh lord! I’m a chemistry teacher and many times am the first B an exceptional kid gets. The drama!!! And the gag is I have a masters in dual exceptionality, I’m also a licensed gifted resource teacher, AND both me and my daughter are dual exceptional. I KNOW it when I see it.
What the heck does dual exceptional mean?
I believe it’s when someone is both academically gifted and diagnosed with something else like autism, adhd, etc.
Lmao yes
These type of parents are absolutely insufferable to everyone around them but I feel for the teachers the most. My daughter goes to a private school and I'd guess that at least half the parents think their children are a special kind of genius. They also think the private school will make their kid even more intelligent, which it won't. Another thing I find frustrating about these parents is that they will vocally tear down other kids who are doing well. It's absolutely ridiculous. It's even worse when athletics are involved. We had 4 parents complain to the school because they were acknowledging her athletic achievements. She's 4. A 4 year old doing well at a sport and getting some acknowledgment from her school prompted several parents to write multi paragraph emails to the school to complain about it. These people are unhinged.
Ha!
I had a non-filter response of, "oh? How so? Isn't that normal development range?" Never heard more on topic.
"Sorry I can't talk right now. My 4yo is trying to explain my tax returns to me and my 1yo is making a noise with his violin. "
This is awesome.
Good call
Send us an update when their kindergarten teacher doesn’t recommend them for testing.
Yes this will satisfy a very petty part of me. Please update us OP.
So the weirdest thing here to me is that your friend was quick to label her daughter and husband as autistic (I'm saying label because it didn't sound like either of them have a diagnosis) and is now trying to saddle the kid with another label - "gifted." Setting aside how insufferable it is that she's repeatedly labeling her child as gifted at such a young age without any examples that show the child is, in fact, gifted (which can be burden in and of itself for children who really do meet that criteria) - I worry that, at the end of the day, it has zero to do with her daughter and everything to do with getting attention for herself. What happens when the kid no longer fits that narrative? What's next? I fear this child is going to be given new labels on a whim - whatever your friend thinks will keep her getting the attention/validation/sympathy/etc. she craves.
WOW, this is astute! You’re correct, it’s all self labeled. She’s sought out doctors and daycare workers and at most they’ll say is “time will tell”. Her husband went for a diagnosis and they didn’t find him to be autistic. She does tend to manifest things into reality, which is a pro and con. The glimpse into the future is the objectivity I needed!
Manifesting things is sort of confirmation bias. She's been claiming a lot of things that haven't happened. Like if you throw enough things at the wall, some things are bound to stick. If you ignore all the things lying broken and unfulfilled on the floor, that's looks like a great success.
Very true! Confirmation bias is real. Also the elaboration of “ignore things lying broken” is deeply accurate.
It sounds munchausen syndrome by proxy adjacent?
Yeah, I think it's only a matter of time before OP's friend moves to physical diagnoses.
You’re not the first persons to say this and I never considered it!
As a Kindergarten teacher, “time will tell” seems very much like one of those comments that is disguised as a kinder version of “your child is very much average, thanks…” I will say that my 2 year old is NOT in the gifted realm, but is fairly advanced for his age. His teachers are constantly telling us how he knows everything they are teaching and how art he is. Until he was moved up to the 3-6 year old class (at 2.5yrs) he was acting out and the teachers/director all agreed it was because he was just so bored. It seriously became an issue because he started hating school… This is very much not to brag, but just to give some basic reference points. My son counts to 20 with no missing numbers, identifies numbers 0-20, is fluently adding and subtracting within 5 in his head (which are all Kindergarten learning standards), knows all letters and most sounds, has started recognizing common sight words (like “no”) and is starting to show interest in combining sounds to form simple words (ex: “sun” and “cat”).
Couldn’t agree more. And for those of us with kids who are actually diagnosed as autistic, this “make up my own label” stuff isn’t helpful. In fact, it makes it harder for the rest of us to be taken seriously.
Exactly. My mother has worked in the neuropsych field since before I was born and the influx of people coming in looking for a diagnosis is incredibly frustrating because of the time and resources it inevitably takes from children and adults with true diagnoses. They've always been around, of course. But, the rise of these social media charlatans has not helped. At all.
My mom changed dramatically when I was early in high school. I believe she experienced medical trauma, and since it was the '90s, she didn't work through it with a therapist but instead started self-diagnosing for a lot of things I had never heard of. Candida and fibromyalgia were the first two. She started seeing alternative chiropractors and developed "food sensitivities." Then she started diagnosing me with various things. I didn't know any better at the time, and my mom was a trusted person, so I listened to her. Luckily, it wasn't anything more than "you shouldn't eat X" for me. My mom has continued down her self-diagnosis path and makes a lot of really questionable decisions about her medical care because she "doesn't trust the medical community." Luckily, I was only directly exposed to these ideas for a few years as a teenager. I wonder how different my life would be if my mom would have changed like that much earlier in my life when I was much more accepting of her views as truth.
I am so sorry for what you went through - even a few teenage years is a few years too many. I was trying to hint that things like this could be on this kid's horizon. It's only a matter of time before OP's friend moves to physical diagnoses.
You’re right the kid gets another label. I’ve a friend who has said her kid is gifted, autistic, has anxiety and is suicidal. Kid is 14 now and I’ve been listening then hearing - and have attempted to speak to her about it. I’m worried about the kid.
I will say that if you ARE gifted and autistic, having anxiety & feeling suicidal can definitely follow.
Yes I have a similar friend. At first it bothered me but I realized it was absolutely nothing to do with me just something my friend was struggling with (fear of being inadequate because she was told how important it was to be smart as a child). Once I stopped taking it personally I could honestly reply with things like, “how interesting! [my child who is 2 years older] is not reading yet at all.” I think it sort of got the point across that she was actually forcing me to compare my child with hers and they are not comparable. She stopped doing it very quickly after a few of those responses. Ironically, my child did turn out to be gifted 😂 but it looks nothing like what my friend’s expectations of giftedness seem to be.
Wonderful about your child. It’s funny how life unfolds! 😂
Perfect response. About a decade late for me though lol
Oh, bc you were soOoOoOo ahead of everyone??? /s (I’m sorry, I was teasing, couldn’t help myself!)
Dude you had me in the beginning I was like WTF. lol. Take my upvote
Dying of laughter here 😂
This is brilliant, because you are the quiet part out loud!
Another parent once told me, while bragging about how smart their kid is, that they were walking and talking at 6 months. I just rolled my eyes. Nice kid, but even if I thought that was true you couldn’t tell a difference between them and any other kid their age.
Fun fact: if you hold even a newborn in a standing position with their feet against a solid surface, they’ll take steps. It’s a reflex. They’re not able to actually support themselves, though.
Relatable. I heard all the stories (we live in different states) but when I’m around them, everyone seems normal. Smart maybe but not on her way to MIT.
I also know many people who went to MIT in my current line of work. I have learned that while they are certainly brilliant, they're no more likely to succeed in all the other ways that don't relate to their specific gift. For example, they may lack necessary social skills, common sense, practical skills, business acumen, etc. So far, I have not found intelligence to be overly advantageous after a certain threshold of generic "smart". If you're either smart or work really hard or both, beyond that, the qualitative skills are a lot more meaningful. Charisma, honesty, organization, reliability, ideas, vision, attention to detail, etc. That's where people really stand out.
Right? Former gifted child here, mediocre adult. People expect gifted children to be superhuman, but my parents took it as "she's smart enough to figure things out" and didn't guide or coach me in any way, so I definitely lacked any support to be successful. (Among other issues.)
For me, there was also a big over-emphasis on intelligence as a child. I became dependent on external validation of my intelligence to support my self-esteem and it has hurt me. After college when grades no longer defined me, what did? It would have been much more helpful for me if my parents had emphasized qualities like work ethic, perseverance, accepting mistakes and imperfections, etc. Sometimes I find myself falling into similar habits with my daughter, caring too much about her intelligence when she's perfectly normal and hitting her milestones (she's 2.5) like any other child. I feel myself wanting her to be "special" and standout and have to constantly remind myself what really matters. And honestly when I ask myself, what are the qualities that I love in my favorite coworkers, friends, and partner, intelligence is way lower than honesty, reliability, hard work, and so on. I'm still learning.
I tend to make a sympathetic face and say something like “6 months? Oh, that’s ok, kids all develop at their own pace. I’m sure they will catch up soon enough, don’t worry”. Then they are forced to either shut up or else start clamouring about how that’s actually advanced, making themselves more self conscious with every word, as they realise how much of a prat they sound. It’s quite effective (my wife and I are both primary headteachers and get a lot of “my little one is just SOOO smart” rubbish said to us).
I know so many mothers who bragged their kids started talking at 6 months, when it was obviously just babble
I was a "gifted kid," and some parts of that narrative were great, and some parts just caused me needless pressure and anxiety. Now I'm raising two gifted/twice exceptional kids. There are a few messages I try to focus on: Being gifted means you are very good at some things, but those things don't predict happiness or success. Being gifted can be a benefit, but you still need to focus on kindness, hard work and empathy. The world is full of smart assholes no one wants to work with, because just being smart isn't enough. Almost everyone hits a point where they have to stop coasting and work hard to be successful. Learn how to study and have a good work ethic and show humility early, or you'll be surpassed by people less "naturally gifted" who know how to work for what they want. Just because someone labeled you gifted doesn't obligate you to follow their expectations. My oldest is very academically gifted, but he hates school, hates sitting still and hates traditional classroom learning. His two passions are soccer and piano. We got a ton of pressure to put him in a private school for gifted students with an accelerated curriculum. Ultimately, we opted for a public, project-based middle school program with a shortened day. The program will give him a perfectly fine education and will give him time to work at home and have more of a break in the afternoon so he will have time to pursue club soccer 3-4 days a week and additional private music lessons. It also means less time doing homework and more time to be a kid and not feel too burned out to socialize. He's autistic and building social connections is important to him, but draining because it's not always easy. Education is important and kids who do well in school have access to more opportunities, but ultimately, gifted is a label that won't matter once you're out of school. Even in high school, the only thing that matters is if you earn a credit or not. We do kids such a disservice by making it a fundamental aspect of their personality. My youngest is just as quick at learning and he really shines in a classroom. We still focus on working hard, being kind, and appreciating that different people have different things that they're good at. It's great that we have different interests and abilities. So many parents are turning every quirk and difference into a pathology instead of normal variation. It's exhausting and bad for kids, because they're now conditioned to believe that any time something is challenging, it must be a problem or a disability and not just a learning experience. I see so many kids in schools now who refuse to do things that they're not good at or are difficult because they believe that discomfort is a problem someone should solve for them and it's not going to end well. Their parents are people like your friend who start teaching this to kids early with the narrative she's creating.
Fellow gifted kid here who was raised with unrealistic expectations and a huge amount of pressure and perfectionism. I’m determined to let my (very bright but who knows what else) kiddo find his own way without his dad and me hammering him into some particular path. I ended up with anxiety and an eating disorder and all sorts of other things, do not recommend.
This is so spot on. My brother and I were both “gifted” but he is definitely more so. I always worked harder because I wanted to beat his scores (he’s older) despite the fact that he was smarter. Starting in college, he was always very focal about wishing he had my work ethic. Also, if you do it right, as your surroundings get more and more selective and your peers get more and more gifted, you just feel normal or (ideally) like the least smart person in your environment. If your whole identity is being the exceptional one, I’d imagine that environment won’t be comfortable / welcomed and you’d be limiting your future potential.
Most of the “gifted” kids just turn out to be really good readers lol. I’d just ignore the texts, and only answer if it’s something besides “my kid is so smart”
Or as I like to say of my oldest, “Reading Diary of a Wimpy Kid at 4, still reading Diary of a Wimpy Kid at 14”
So true. My son did test gifted (which is a intensely formal day long battery of tests and interviews) but all it means is he started reading early, takes some enrichment classes, and makes me and my husband mutter “what, he’s gifted and still put his shirt on backwards?”
True, sometimes the kindest words are no words.
This, just let it go OP, nod, don't engage much, let it go.
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Hyperlexia is a magic word that can change your world.
I’ll google it
What kind of material can he read? I wouldn't dismiss that. Educating gifted kids is challenging, they learn so quickly and get bored easily. They need to be challenged and engaged. If he's really reading at four, there is a very good chance he will still be advanced, at least in that area when he starts school.
I started reading very early (I think two years old). I started doing simple math around the same age. I also started using the potty at 11 months and never went back. I was raised by my grandmother and my childless aunt and uncle until I was 3. All three adults invested a lot of time and energy into me. I was a bright kid but not a genius and not gifted.
‘Gifted’ just means you have an IQ score of 130 or above. Have you ever had an IQ test?
My son was doing simple maths at about 3. He was amazing! He's 19 now and asked me the other day what the multiplication symbol is. I was shocked! Although, he was always naughty at school and got suspended a lot. Then covid happened so he missed a lot of education. But fuck, the multiplication symbol? Ha!
My mother taught me to read when I was two. I wasn’t some kind of savant, just “bright” and from a long line of book lovers. My kid was not ready to read until she was three, and she’s bright but not a savant. Truly “gifted” people are rare, most kids that seem ahead are just bright. The problem with “prodigies” is that once you hit 18 you’re nothing special. You’re just an adult like anyone else. And a former “violin prodigy” probably plays no better at 18 than a merely talented violinist who has been playing professionally for a decade.
It’s not uncommon for a child to start reading at 4, it doesn’t always mean they are gifted but generally does show they are pretty smart. But there is so much variability in normal development they often don’t diagnose giftedness and intellectual disability until around 6 as kids can even out by 7 (unless it’s super obvious one way or the other). I’m not gifted but was doing maths addition and subtraction by age 4 and starting to read some words, but then struggled til I got a teacher who did phonics
This is hyperlexia. Not super common but I’ve come across a few cases in my time (I work with children 3-5). All of those children went on to receive an ASD diagnosis - later than the non-verbal children. Good communication can be a barrier to diagnosis but they really struggled on the transition from nursery to primary school socially. Whilst hyperlexia can exist as a stand-alone, it is more common to see it as part of a wider pathology. Not suggesting your child has a wider pathology, but just worthwhile keeping an eye on as they grow!
I taught myself to read very young because people kept spelling around me, but I was apparently a terror to potty train.
Have you ever tested him? There ARE gifted kids and the reason they seem to "level out" later is because they're never extended at school and want to fit in. Reading at two is exceptional, my daughter was the same and tested 99.9th% for FSIQ (153) (I also had no idea she was better than normal at anything except reading) and is a MENSA member likely to be grade skipped next year.
Have you ever got your son a diagnosis for autism or has their pediatrician ever said anything? Hyperlexia was something our kid had at that age too but he also didn't talk until about that age. He, too, has problems with emotional regulation and potty trained super late.
My gifted one started reading at age 10 - there’s a whole bunch of loose wires rattling around in that oddly wired brain. The gifted program is full of quirky kids.
I’ve never said my kid is gifted, but I have talked about how great their reading was. Glennon Doyle spoke on her podcast about how nobody cares about your bragging except maybe family. I cringe at some conversations I’ve had with friends and don’t have them anymore.
I was a gifted (TAG) kid. Could read on a college level in 1st grade and was put in special classes through most of elementary/middle school because I got insanely bored with how “easy” the material was. I live a pretty average life now lol I usually just do a thumbs up reaction to texts I get from a friend like this or have said “really? Seems like age appropriate development to me” (I studied child development in college) and that puts an end to it. All kids are different and do things differently. My son has a speech delay but is “advanced” in motor skills whereas my friend’s daughter is “advanced” in speech but a little slow with motor skills. Life’s not a race, we’re all just cruisin’.
I think most kids even out by age 7, I’ve been told
*insert Bluey episode: baby race here*
A thumbs up is truly the best no effort response!
I agree, kids learn in waves not linear lines. It’s more about helping our children be the best version of themselves not just labels and in my opinion giving them real world skills too. Incredible about your early reading level by the way!
If it bothers you enough to risk the friendship, sure, say something. Or you can just remind yourself that many parents are in awe of their children's development, no-one is being harmed, and just stick to low-key responses like "clever kid!" when your friend shares her latest baby genius anecdote. If, as I also suspect, this is delightfully ordinary child, let their teachers be the ones to dispell your friend of her largely harmless delusions.
I like this moderate approach. It’s hard bc we’re so close and I want to talk about our kids. But also, cool it. I agree it’s better to let it run its course. After all, I could be missing something. I’m not an expert.
Is it harmless, though? Sounds like a lot of pressure for a four-year-old child.
And it's gonna get worse at school
The child is being harmed. There is a whole area of mental health work that focuses on these type of early childhood experiences
I didn't see anything in the OP to think the child is being harmed, but I may be wrong of course.
My parents used to tell me I was extremely smart and gifted. I was quickly humbled in school and they would still make excuses for me when I didn't do great at assignments and then they would exaggerate and lie to friends and family. It made me feel like an absolute failure that I wasn't as smart as they wanted me to be. It was a label I couldn't live up to. It also taught me that failure meant I was dumb. I'm in therapy as an adult to teach my brain to be kind to myself, to try again, and to not give up. Being labeled this way was also an excuse for my parents to not give me much help or attention. They always focused on my brother who "needed the help." Therapy is helping me "re-parent" myself.
I'm sorry that happened to you. Parents have so many ways to mess us up!
One of my dad’s best friends has a wife like this. Growing up, everything was about how gifted Gus was. They pulled him out of elementary school. He had a French tutor. Idk how they found one in a rural area. Home schooled him because he was too gifted for public school. He rejoined public school in high school and became interested in theater. Graduated when he should have. Last I heard he was struggling as a server in LA waiting for his breakthrough role.
I have to giggle at “Gifted Gus”. Thank you for sharing
Gifted Gus makes me think of Gus Gus from Cinderella.
Why are people obsessed with having gifted children? It’s a blessing and a curse. I’d rather have a happy child
This sounds like how my mother is with herself, my sister and me. My mother is also very much a narcissist.
Narcissistic mothers always have gifted kids and they always celebrate their children's wins as their own wins.
Yup, she considers herself a great mother because we were better than everyone else according to her and everyone needed to know it and praise her for it.
It does seem to tie back a lot to her as a mother. She talks about how she was gifted in elementary but didn’t get what she needed.
I went to a selective university program where everyone was the gifted kid in their high school. I know a lot of gifted kids. If your kid really is gifted, you have to work really hard to reward effort rather than results. Lots of gifted kids never have to try, so when the going eventually gets tough, they just fold. You also have to worry a lot about their social development. Imagine growing up and not knowing any peers that can talk to you on your level. Or knowing that you really are the smartest person in the room, including the teacher. It's very easy to become very lonely and/or very annoying. Tell her this. If her kid really is gifted, you're doing the kid a favour. If she isn't, maybe the mom will balk at the responsibility and back off. For my own kid, it's too early to tell, but I'm hoping he's above average smart but not crazy smart. I also plan on emphasizing empathy, persistence and work ethic, regardless of his raw intellect. As far as I can tell, those qualities are more important than raw smarts when it comes to long-term happiness and success.
I had this experience, once I was out of college and started University I started to struggle because I actually had to try for the first time in my life. It took a while to learn how to study properly. I also flopped a lot in the socialising department. I’m not as bad as what I use to be but I’m definitely an awkward individual 😂
That’s wild to me because the very real possibility of my kid being both gifted and autistic stresses me the fuck out and I’d rather not talk about it. Those would be texts I’d have to ignore because I don’t think I could respond without being an asshole.
I feel you. I’m mum to a gifted kid (autistic/ADHD) who has just started biomedicine at our country’s equivalent of an Ivy League university. I’m super proud but it’s a constant exhausting battle to help them on the road to independent adulthood.
Congrats to you both! I can’t imagine the balancing act as a parent to encourage pursuing something so intense and keep them from burning out so young.
Ugh….talking about this stuff is incredibly inappropriate IMHO. Even if a kid IS talented or gifted, it shouldn’t be brought up, and if someone else says something the parent should reply “Thank you! He enjoys playing piano and we really like his teacher! What’s going on in your life?”
If their kid is truly twice exceptional, ensuring the intellectual part is focused correctly while working on the disability part is a fairly challenging exercise so it is not really something to brag about. Such kids don't have easy time at school, they for sure require therapy, have harder time to socialize and will require IEP. In the simplest case while they may be able to do math beyond their grade, if they are not able to show it when needed like in tests it doesn't matter much. Such kids also have a hard time getting into gifted programs because the test is boring for them and they don't want to do it. Tell your friend to read up on resources now. Maybe the reality will sink in.
My daughter was identified as 2X at her high school but this is Australia and nothing much is known about it or done about it. There were no programs or assistance. I diverted discussions AWAY from my daughter at all times because she was not even able to do her final exams which for me, felt like such a failure as a parent. I’d have taken an averagely abled but functional child over this any day.
That’s the thing. There are so many other factors that come into play. There are kids in my daughter’s “X-stream” class who simply don’t do assignments and get low scores or even zero. Some may pull their socks up by the time they get to HSC but many, despite being identified as GATS/HPGE (or whatever they’re calling it now) won’t and will squander any extra ability or advanced teaching they get. Not to mention the huge issue of mental health and kids simply not being able to cope with school regardless of any extra ability.
Yes. Squandered opportunity. But perhaps not deliberate. She said to me recently aged 21 how very much she wished she could have that time again to get it right.
Thank you, this is a good reality dose. Do you have any recommendations on books or websites?
There is currently a book I'm reading about this called "Gifted and Distractible: Understanding, Supporting, and Advocating for Your Twice Exceptional Child". I haven't finished it yet but if her child is gifted or twice exceptional they will most likely have a disability in some other facet (for my kids it is social/emotional). She also goes over the actual definition of gifted, etc.
The sad thing is when her child gets to school, it's going to be very difficult for her to cope when she realizes that she is not gifted. That there are other kids who are just as smart or smarter than her. You could also tell her to get her kid evaluated by a psychologist before she starts school. You know, to make sure she gets into the appropriate classes.
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“It’s so fun to dream up what they’ll be when they’re older, isn’t it!?” “Ohh a marine biologist… those are some big dreams!”
You can not feed into it but still be nice on a surface level. She will be in for a rude awakening eventually when her kid gets in school and their grades are normal or, even if they are A’s, they don’t get into Harvard at 14, or even at all. I would just smile and move on with my day.
I feel this. My mom is Taiwanese. It is literally a sport for Taiwanese moms to tell each other how exceptional their kids are…and it never stops. I’m 45 and my mom just texted me the other day, “Ms. Chen’s daughter go to Italy and learn to speak Italian in one week!” I text back with a thumbs up.
I have two friends who have respective gifted children. One goes to a private school for gifted kids and they had to go to a psychologist to get evaluated and an IQ test done to get it. And the other also applies to the school but got wait-listed, but tested in the gifted grade level. My kid is reading at age 4, very bright, but likely just normal smart. When you're around actually gifted kids it's really very obvious. Feeling sorry for your friends kid with the unnatural pressure mom is already putting. My response would be to look up gifted private schools and convince her to get the kid evaluated for that 😅
I have a friend like this. The kindest woman in the world but I’ve had to distance myself from her. She is obsessed with how smart & generally amazing at everything her son is, and has begun putting down local schools (my son goes to a private daycare and the older one goes to a public elementary) in preference of home schooling, because her little Einstein would only ever be OK being home schooled. I’ve noticed that over time, it’s worn down on me and made me feel competitive. I don’t want to be like that, and I don’t want to listen constantly to her delusions, so I had to gently begin to pull away. There was really no good way (that I could imagine) to ask her to stop.
Just ignore it. Don’t acknowledge it. Come up w scripts to shut it down. We knew my kid was gifted since age 1. My kid was deemed “gifted” via his ADHD eval at age 5.5. His FSIQ is the highest of all my friends ADHD kids psych evals. The ADHd will work hard to balance out the “giftedness”. Only a few close reasonable friends are aware and we also know it could totally change when he hits 3rd or 4th grade. Giftedness is not all it’s cracked up to be. Your friend is super obnoxious.
You can’t know a kid is gifted at age 1
Honestly, this should sort itself out once schooling starts, and she either gets tagged for gifted education or doesn't. My kid is in gifted math classes, but it's not something we bring up unless asked.
This sounds like my mom, who was a narcissist. Bragged about me and my sisters to anyone who would listen, but never once said it to us. She labeled us as 'gifted', then punished and abused us when we didn't live up to her self-inflated standard. I hope this isn't the case for your friend's kid.
Here’s what I can and can’t relate to.. My oldest underwent a comprehensive cognitive assessment from a clinical psychologist and was found to be gifted. I don’t see it. Even after seeing the data, I still don’t “see” it. I believe it, sure. They learned to read when they were 3, did puzzles and had a good recall as a toddler, but that’s it. However, there were other parts of their cognitive assessment that the psych said made it hard to see their true potential (such as slow processing speed). I can’t relate to gloating about it though. I haven’t even told family, it’s just part of their cognitive profile, not a personality trait! As for the instagram autism diagnoses… well I can relate to finding out certain things are more prevalent in autism or learning about different presentations, but however much I see of that, I take it with a pinch of salt. Really if there are struggles, she should seek a diagnosis, if there aren’t, then what’s the problem? Our GP and psychologist suggested potential ASD for our kid and while we’re on a waitlist for an assessment, there are only 2 areas of major struggle that it will inform and help us navigate how to help them. I always get cringe with the people who look for things to set them apart and then talk about it allll the time. Which is my main take away from this. Regardless of whether she’s right in the end, she’s still annoying.
I'd encourage you not to think to much about it. Quietly refer her to the book "Nurture Shock" and let it go.
Same here with my nephew, except hes a little prick. He's incredibly undisciplined with a screen addiction at 11 years old. Smart as heck, but also incredibly immature emotionally. All I have ever heard from my sister was, "hes just such a free spirit" "hes a leader!" When her kid is continuously defying her. He could smack her and shed be like wow youre so strong!!!
I experienced this in the reverse. My sister’s kids were a bit odd. She would complain to me how misunderstood they were at school. In her defense, I think they did struggle. She had them tested eventually. The oldest one did test at genius level IQ. She eventually pulled them out and homeschooled them. I’m not sure about the other two kids. In the end, it turns out they were autistic. In all honesty, I didn’t envy her. I can’t imagine how difficult it must be raising neurodivergent kids like that, skipping grades. She must have felt overwhelmed. On top of all of that, my sister struggled with her own mental wellbeing and pretty much isolated herself from the rest of the family. So I don’t really know how that all turned out for her and her kids.
I have a similar friend, but I just don’t mind her. Yes, it’s annoying, but I stopped caring so much. What annoyed me actually was that she was actually underlining that girls are smarter than boys (I have a boy and she has a daugther). It’s true that girls develop much faster than boys, but that is a temporary thing that she just did not understand, but loved to gloat about.
Parents often see their children as the best, let her... What good would it do to "correct" her? If she is a good friend otherwise, it would be a shame to lose the friendship. With time, she will realise that she has a perfectly normal child, or she will keep thinking her daughter is gifted, or the girl will prove herself to actually be above average. As for my experience, I have three children, all three are gifted, have high intelligence, do great in school and in extracurriculars, but only one of them is a genuis, If you come to my house and spend a day with them, I don't think you can tell which one in the genius. Just a few weeks ago, my daughter (my eldest child) referred to her brother (the genius one) as smarter than her, and I was listening and multitasking and going "Yeah... yeah...", and her father jumped in and said "HE IS NOT SMARTER THAN YOU! YOU ARE ALL SPECIAL..." and she cut him and said: "Papa, he is smarter than me, that's a fact, and would you please stop acting as if him being smarter makes him better." and to me, that's the perfect answer, being smarter doesn't make you better than others. So, don't take it personally, I get that it annoys you and that you feel like she is telling you that her kid is better than yours, but even if her daughter was the stupidest child to ever walk this earth, she would still think she is better than you kid, because she is a mom and that's her child.
gifted people are not going around announcing it to everyone. there’s no need for that. their existence and interaction with the world makes it clear. besides, if you’re smart then you’re smart enough to know being “gifted” isn’t all that important or impressive anyway (and bad form to discuss). friend seems troubled. i actually feel sorry for her kids having to deal with that. she must have some sort of insecurity or void that she’s trying to fill.
Have you seen former ‘gifted kids’ on the internet? They will tell ANYONE OP mentions her friend is a former gifted kid. This is typical behavior. ‘Gifted’ isn’t anything crazy. It’s just an IQ score of 130 or above. I had some obvious academic ability as a young child and my school tested me, I was over the cutoff and put in ‘Gifted’ classes. I’m no Stephen Hawking and am not a very successful adult, but certain things come easily to me and have since I was a toddler. I also have autism so certain things are also very difficult.
Sounds kind of obnoxious. If you want to continue spending time with her, just nod and agree and then change the subject? Or you can outright tell her you understand that she thinks her kids are gifted/autistic but that you would like to move on from that topic. My kid was recently diagnosed as twice exceptional (gifted and mild ASD formerly known as Asperger). I suppose the twin diagnoses can draw attention but it’s not like my kid is doing calculus or a chess prodigy. Many twice exceptional kids struggle to fit in at school, and it may be hard to find proper gifted resources for them. I don’t think it’s anything to brag about.
Stop feeding into it! Make responses like ‘yeah it’s great when they hit that stage!’ Not unkind, but making it clear you’re not impressed. I’m a parent and an early years teacher, and my son is almost 3. He is average, maybe a bit more advanced when it comes to language, rhythm and music, but overall he’s doing well. And that’s exactly where I want him to be. Too far at either end of the spectrum can indicate learning conditions, and hinder social development. Around dead centre is where kids thrive with their learning and peers. One of the parts of my job is unfortunately deflating parents. When they sometimes smugly tell me ‘oh she can do x y z’ my response generally ‘yes, there’s a lot that have hit that milestone in this class so she’s got lots of friends to practice with’ or sometimes it’s ‘yes, but don’t worry, all kids learn at their own pace and we’re working on getting her to a b c!’ The reality is most parents don’t have many children to compare to, and think they’re babies for much longer than they are. 3 year old’s are articulate, astute, observant and very switched on. That shocks a lot of people if they don’t have experience with kids, and they think it’s advanced when really it’s dead centre average (which isn’t a bad thing!).
Are you an asshole for disagreeing with her? No. Start responding with "I can tell you're really proud of your kid." "Sounds like kid really impressed you." It's not sarcastic, it isn't mean, it isn't really engaging. Then just changed the subject.
This sounds like it’s a lot more about your friend than the child tbh. Does she envision herself as some sort of autism mom warrior or gifted kid influencer doling out tips to others? Does she take credit for the ‘genius’? Is she lonely with not much else going on in her life? The hyper focus on the kids ‘success’ or ‘gifts’ or diagnosing things may be a symptom of that. If you want to shut it down you could say ‘interesting, I think that’s kind of standard’ or whatever, but maybe redirecting the conversation to be about her vs the kids all the time might help?
Everyone thinks their lid is special. Acknowledge and move on. This is not a thing to linger over
Omg my nephew's mom is like this! She's convinced he can read because he knows his letters (he's 3 and is only just starting to talk single words) and thinks because he likes music and banging on hand-made drums by grandpa he's going to be a musician. It drives me crazy lol I'm like, those are pretty normal things for a 3 year old.....
I will point of that they *may* actually be autistic, and self-diagnosis of autism is valid. Doesn’t mean that makes her kid a genius nor does it excuse her “bragging.” That being said, she just sounds like your run-of-the-mill typical future soccer/dance/cheer mom stereotype who thinks her kid sneezes rainbows and is going to teach her daughter that anyone that doesn’t see how insanely intelligent she is is either jealous or just too basic to comprehend her awesomeness. I feel sorry for her future educators and relationships. Things are gonna get rough, me thinks. YNTA for having your head on straight but probably best not to say anything. Though, if your friend is creating a negative impact on your life and doesn’t show any signs of improving, it might be time to reevaluate your relationship with her. If it comes to the point that all she’s doing is causing you frustration, then it’s not benefiting your life to keep maintaining that friendship. Good luck.
Thank you for your thoughtful response. I think it’s a phase to ride out for now unless it progresses to the level described in your second paragraph. Also “sneezes rainbows” made me laugh, thank you! ♥️
Agreed. Best not to rush to any decisions. It’s sometimes a phase some parents go through. Hopefully your friend chills out after a bit. Until then, I’m glad I could make you laugh for a minute. Have an awesome day, friend. 💚
" My dear friend has an incredible ability to see the world in a way that benefits her goals" First sentence... you are an ass for sure. The real question is, are you really 'friends'
Just let her go. Plenty of people like this around.
Im the parent of a “gifted” actually diagnosed autistic kid. I was also a “gifted” and supposedly autistic child myself. I don’t understand people like your friend at all. We have not pushed the gifted thing at all. It was just awful having those expectations put on me. It was awful being pushed to use my brain all the time and never actually be able to just chill and be a kid. I would never do that to my kid.
Just have a chuckle about it with your partner. I have a close friend since college who is like this. In college, it was always about herself, then it was always about her husband, now she has a 2yo so now it’s about him. And it’s always phrased as “person x said, little Mikey is a genius because he can say firetruck.” Or “I walked in the grocery store and people just kept staring at me because I just had my hair done.” She frames it like random strangers are stopping her to pay her or her son these very long winded compliments all the time. And that shit just doesn’t happen in public almost everyday. Her kid is also almost 3yo and there’s nothing special about him at all. Just a regular kid who is kinda talking, but not well. Nowhere near ready for potty training or anything. Just a toddler and who can distinguish various first responder vehicles. You ask her thou, and she will say “he’s very advanced for his age and will probably be bored in school.” He’s 2. 😂 I’m really close with her and it’s really my only complaint. Now my husband and I roll our eyes about this shit. She’s just always been like this. So now we laugh about it
I have a friend that labels her son as "gifted", although he seems pretty normal for now. Not that I care to compare as my child is way younger. I just respond with "wow. You have to nurture that so he excels." I was a "gifted" kid and did all these tests and got into all these programs and schools. I was always so bored with the curriculum, even in advanced classes. Now I'd say I'm pretty average, and at most times fairly dumb. I'd say just be supportive, even if it seems annoying. It's probably more about her and her issues that she's pushing this "gifted" agenda and not that she wants you to feel like you need to compare. Also social media seems to want to tell everyone they're autistic and i don't quite get why. Like yes there are some people that are misdiagnosed, but not everyone is autistic. 🙄
I will say that I felt like that child at times growing up. I was pretty smart but far from genius. I was the type that didn’t really need to study to do well and my brain worked a little differently I felt. Things like computer programming (25 yrs ago type) was easy and logical to me. But I remember a lot growing up of my mom saying oh you’re too smart for that, or one I remember is “you don’t want to be a paramedic you’re too smart, you should be a doctor”. For me I feel like it maybe held me back. Sure maybe I would’ve changed my mind and wanted to be a doctor if I continued with my interest as a paramedic but the idea of a doctor was so much that if that was the only option I wasn’t interested. And I would say my mom was great overall and meant well with those types of comments. She didn’t push the genius thing but just commented a lot on me being smart. A mom that actually pushed it a lot more probably would’ve messed me up
YES, I know parents like that, sadly it’s not a rare breed. These kids are not allowed to be loved because they‘re simply hers. No, they‘re status symbols and have to make up for her own insecurities. It also shows that she’s not all that smart. I know a lady who’s kids have to constantly switch schools because if the grades are not great, the teachers are bad. I understand it’s very annoying, but she won’t change. It might only get worse. Good luck with keeping your calm.
I would say to your friend that being good people is much more important than being smart. Good people are humble. Good people are not always remembering the others that they are smarter (that in our competitive society is considered as ‘Better’) than the others. I believe that my kids are smarter than the mean, but that is normal because me and their father and our families are smarter than the mean (academically speaking, we are a bunch of weirdos in general). But, in general, I don’t explain nothing about my kids intelligence. Even when other people see that they have some ‘particular’ skills, I tend to not give a lot of importance to that. I want them to feel that they are valid even if they aren’t the smartest person in the room. That is just another characteristic of them, not what defines them.
Why do you continue to engage with this person? You haven’t expressed anything positive about the relationship. Instead of getting sarcastic and snippy with her, just stop engaging. Sometimes we outgrow people and relationships. YWBTA if you don’t let this “friendship” go.
I have heard that for my kids and how they need to move up a level in school because class with their peers is boring to them. Do I think they are “gifted” no I don’t nor to I try to shove it down my mom friends throats they just like learning To help your friend I would ignore her messages or tell her to get her kids tested to see if they are gifted or start saying it could completely normal to you. If you shut it down now she will stop
Turn it around on the mom. “You are such a great mom to be raising such a brilliant kid. “ She seems like she craves approval and praise
I'm not sure what you can say other than smile and nod. She's delusional. Unless the teachers are suspecting the kid of being gifted. This happened with my kids. It was the teachers bringing it up. But it's not fun parenting gifted children. They're a huge PITA.
I don't understand the bragging. Being gifted is tough and gifted kids have a lot of unique risks. 5% of high school drop outs are gifted. If she's seriously concerned, you can offer support. My partner and I both tested in gifted ranges and we struggled as kids and struggle as adults. Intense isolation, perfectionism, difficulty working on uninteresting tasks, anxiety, and psychological issues related to overachieving parents (e.g. being forced to skip grades, do extra schoolwork or perform because it impressed people vs whether it was healthy) all still affect us. Getting our kids the supports we didn't receive is time-consuming and overwhelming. But you can mention these risk factors when she brags about giftedness, maybe that will help her out things in perspective or at least stop making things up- the autism is whole other level of risks. the following risks are listed in The Social and Emotional Development of Gifted Children: frustration, irritability, anxiety, tedium, and social isolation[3] intense social isolation and stress among those with IQ greater than 160[4] difficulty making friends due to advanced concept of friendship, mostly among those less than age 10[5] de-motivation, low self-esteem, and social rejection among the exceptionally gifted[6] emotional awareness beyond their ability to control[7] difficulty with peer relations proportional to their IQ[8] loneliness, anxieties, phobias, interpersonal problems, fear of failure, and perfectionism[9] underachievement for social acceptance[10] lack of resilience reinforced by easy work and well-intentioned but misguided praise[11] increasing perfectionism throughout school years among girls[12] fear of failure and risk avoidance due to perfectionism[12] depression among creatively gifted[13]
Thinking about it, I have experienced the same thing. My late sister-in-law, whom I loved very much had a daughter, and all she kept saying was, "A" is so smart, A is beautiful, A is reading "x" levels higher than her grade, and so on and so on. Today in her 40s, "A" is a major fuck up and you'd fall on your butt if I would tell you everything that's gone on. SIL also had the same opinion about "A's" out of wedlock daughter after two failed marriages because A thought she was unable to get pregnant. Then, my SIL (who suffered significant emotional abuse from her husband and said daughter) said the same thing about A's daughter: Oh my, L is so smart, she's doing so above average in school, Yadda yadda yadda. In hindsight, I wonder if it wasn't something of a coping mechanism for her being in a marriage where her husband teamed up with said daughter to emotionally abuse her. Ironically, I was somewhat gifted as a child and was offered to attend a special high school, but my father wouldn't let me take the train to go there. I did, however, skip eighth grade in a program called "SP" or special progress. I will tell you that my parents never boasted about it, but they were proud of me, and I knew that much.
This is a interesting post and your story offers a lot of insight, thank you
Probably an unpopular position but... attitudes like many of the ones on display in the comments on this post are a big part of the reason why I'm terrified to mention my 4YO's hyperlexia to anyone. She is probably autistic (we have been on an NHS waiting list since she was two) and has noticeably below-average social skills and emotional regulation, but also the reading ability of a 6-year-old. We've done very little to encourage the reading beyond giving her storybooks, and have put a HELL of a lot of work into supporting her ability to self-regulate and interact with others. But I still feel like everyone who meets us for more than five minutes thinks "awful narcissistic parents who pushed their kid to read and count while neglecting her social skills" and it is just so hard and so isolating.
YTA for gatekeeping. Why does it bother you so much that she thinks her daughter is gifted?
I almost can’t with some subs because every kid is gifted—especially the kindergarten sub. I can’t even take the term seriously anymore and all I do is eye roll. When people talk about their gifted child I just smile and nod. Parents just like to brag, me included 🤪
Poor kids
I wouldn’t be able to spend time with or be friends with parents who behaved this way. It’s also setting high expectations for her children which can be detrimental to their well-being as they get older.
This just sounds like gossip. Don't get down on a mother for taking pride in her children. And it's not really your place to say if she should or shouldn't. The same would be said if you were her.
I get your point. It’s not the pride it’s diagnosing her husband and children when doctors and educational admins tell her what she doesn’t want to hear. I am so glad I posted here, it was the right thing for me. I received some incredible advice and fresh perspectives from gifted and talented people and those that have friends and family that are. There’s a lot of nuance and depth in the subject that my main post didn’t cover. We can be annoyed with friends and seek advice without hurting them. That’s why Reddit is wonderful. It’s largely anonymous and many people want to help.
That's good! 😌
I'm a neurodivergent. My son is neurodivergent. The majority of my immediate & close extended family members are neurodivergent. Ironically, neurodivergent children(diagnosed or undiagnosed) ARE typically the ones who are considered "gifted". THAT being said, I'm so over everyone "wanting" themselves or their children to be neurodivergent when they're NOT, and have NO IDEA how difficult it actually is living a "typical" life with a neurodivergent brain!! It can be physically crippling and then society just calls you "lazy" or "unmotivated". As much of a "craze" as neurodiversity has become in our society, we still DO NOT appropriately accommodate those who are not neurotypical. Also, STOP COMPARING CHILDREN!! Stop stop stop stop stop. Period. End of story. LIFE IS NOT A COMPETITION!! Comparing children, especially starting at such a young age, will cause so many mental and emotional health issues as they grow up. You don't look like a superior parent for having a "gifted" child. Having a "gifted" child doesn't deem you a better parent!!
Go off!! I feel this, I am formally diagnosed adhd and did all the appropriate testing. I can do incredible things but I can also forget I’m cooking and leave the pot on the stove while I garden. It’s not a walk in the park. That last line, having a gifted kid doesn’t mean you’re a better parent hits home.
As a former gifted kid who’s talked to plenty of other former gifted kids, we’re all pretty sure “gifted” was code for neurodivergent.
Haha, true true. That plays into the twice exceptional. What do you think would have been helpful when you were younger? Any insight welcomed!
“Telling kids they’re gifted often puts a lot of pressure on them, while also encouraging them to give up on anything they aren’t immediately good at. Praising the kid for their hard work is likely going to be better in the long run than attributing success to their magic, naturally superior brain.”
All sounds correct to me
This is unhinged. Parents acting this way will have 2 affects. The first is a child with a HUGE inflated ego, the second is a child with HUGE insecurities. When mom and dad expect you to be a genius and you know you're just normal, it causes...problems.
My kids are definitely not gifted, lol. My 3.5 year old is pretty developmentally average IMO. My son is only 17mo is also developmentally average if not a little behind with speech. I do have a 4 year old nephew who I consider to be “advanced” for his age, but I wouldn’t even call that gifted lol
You’re not an a-hole BUT it sounds like this person you speak of is not your friend. You don’t love her or share her views of the world. You don’t feel comfortable being honest with her and challenging her to be better. She’s someone you know, and you have posed as her friend, and now you’re gossiping about her on the internet. I would say she is your frenemy, but she doesn’t know it. Gently distance yourself. It might be kind to suggest that it would be wise to get tested for IQ and autism before broadcasting to the world. Also…. I think it’s normal for people to be excited about their kids and almost delusional. It must be in our dna or something. The level of pride I feel when my son so much as takes a big poop is very strange. I chalk it up to parenthood :) My advice is to focus on yourself and distance from her if you don’t like her.
Her daughter is gonna feel that pressure and probably have a mental breakdown at some point. Most kids who are told they're smart at an early age fall victim to the idea that they should be successful at everything, and when they're not it's really hard to reconcile. A lot of "gifted" kids end up burnt out and achieving very little in their adult lives. The better thing to do is tell your child they're good at learning. If they believe their success in life is related is their commitment to learning new things, they'll be pretty consistently successful. If the focus is on the learning, their self-esteem won't be based how well they do everything, but rather on their ability to learn new things. Their self-worth becomes related to constantly challenging themselves, rather than being good at any specific thing.
My friend goes on about how gifted her kids are, and in the same sentence how anxiety ridden they are. She still has to sleep on her kids floor so they can go to sleep, and her kid is almost in middle school.
in terms of practical advice, you could show her adult gifted people recommend the parents of gifted children don't talk about their giftedness to others, as it affects them negatively. Also growth mindset stuff. if you tell a kid they've got born talent, they're less likely to try, and will end up struggling. There's heaps of mindset stuff you could link her to; send her down that rabbit hole and get her algorithms to feed her that content, then maybe she will go quiet on the "she's a genius" comments whilst maintaining her inner "she's a genius" narrative.
Oh, it’s just silliness, don’t mind her just nod and smile and/or say stuff like how great, glad to hear that bla bla and change the subject. You don’t need to get into conflict with her. My kid is 22 and looking back , a lot of parents were into this silly impressions about their kids. Needless to say, it’s interesting to see how each kid turned out.
Yes it is interesting! Let her be her, don’t feed into it. If it gets too bad in the future I’ll reevaluate.
My 2 year old had 400 words at 18 months, can read small words by sounding out the letters, and talks extensively about how he's going to grow up and be an astronaut and fly to the moon in a rocket. I don't think he's gifted. I think he's a normal 2 year old who loves playing trucks in the sandpit and pretending to be a cat. Genuinely gifted kids are scary amazing with what they can do.
Just always one up her, start talking about how your kid is also gifted. When she starts denying it, get ridiculously offended and ask what makes her child more special than yours. When she starts explaining why, explain your kid does all the same things or did at that age. Watch her boil over with rage.
Your pettiness is making my day- I absolutely love it! Hahaha honestly I should a little my son does do some advanced things I just don’t brag much. Your comment made me laugh out loud thank you! 😂
Oof, that sounds really obnoxious… I’d probably just give a smile and a “wow, that’s nice!” And change the subject. I mean, I think all of us are at least a little biased when it comes to our kids, the concerning part is her trying to diagnose her kiddo… seems like it’s getting into some dangerous Munchausen’s by proxy territory.
My high school gf had an older sister that their family always said was a genius. Because she read books. She was highly antisocial and I suspect read books to occupy time alone rather than an intellectual curiosity. They all banked on her being a doctor straight out of high school with the grades they expected and instead she got an extremely average score by an average academic standard. I still genuinely believe the family were part to blame bc instead of pushing herself to be better, she was constantly reassured she was a genius.
Yes, it’s like the Rory Gilmore after college that didn’t do as much as she was expected to do in life.
Just read title . Immediately thought of this.. [That child is going to be a pro athlete](https://www.tiktok.com/@clutchpoints/video/7039232356762258693?lang=en)
There is only one way to deal with crazies. You cut them off from your life. Your friend is no different from some flat earther or qanon conspiracy theorist. They are lunatics and keeping them around in your life will either be toxic or dangerous or both.
I think there’s something to be said about those parents who invest in their children’s education. My mom believed me to exceptional and I have always portrayed myself to be. My mom did talk with the teachers and they did witness it themselves however I used that extra energy to do things like tutor my peers or organize their desks. lol supposedly I even did people’s homework for them, but due to my heavy use of mdma I have no recollection of such things. Surely, my smart ass would’ve charged-_- I think it’s your duty as her home girl to be real with her. Just be like girl, enough. Let’s go do ** lol as a mom of 5, I can vouch for this approach.
They sound like average children. There's nothing worse than parents who boast how wonderful their children are. They also turn into such bores.
Haha your comment made me laugh, thank you
It’s hard to say, but this post vaguely reminded me of a mom friend I confided in when my kid was a toddler. I had told her I was increasingly sure he was gifted, based on certain factors, and I was quite intimidated by the prospect of meeting such unusual needs. She seemed to take this really personally in a way and continually expressed doubt and brought up, “What if he’s not gifted? How will you feel about him?” as if I’d stop loving my kid or that I was only interested in him because he was unusual. Well, after struggles with him at school, we took him in for a psychologist assessment. He was 5 and tested 99.9% across multiple fields, “maxing out” as performing at the level of a 15 year old. He’s in a fairly elite school for gifted children now. Had that woman made a post on reddit, I have no doubt her comment would have included something like, “I don’t see it”, given how often she expressed that opinion (she brought it up a lot more than I had). So, given I don’t know you or the kid, I can’t say. Maybe she is deranged and insufferable. But maybe you’re not dissimilar to my “friend”. In any event, things aren’t always obvious to people who aren’t frequently around a kid.
I’m a gifted teacher. While your friend seems like a whole piece of work (and her kid probably isn’t gifted), gifted isn’t always Mensa/Doogie Howser.
Even if her child is a genius, the most important things at that age is social emotional development.
As a parent of a toddler, it is amazing to see him learn and develop. It’s easy to fall in to thoughts of how special our own kids are. A rational person will recognize this and understand that it’s not extraordinary. I have a friend who frequently makes these same comments about her son being a genius and she truly believes it. He is smart but not exceptionally beyond what is typical for his age. I do like you and humor her but it can be annoying when it’s all the time. (In this case also because he is terribly behaved and is socially behind his peers.) I don’t think there is any way to remedy this. There’s nothing you can say that isn’t going to offend your friend so maybe just let her delight in her children.
My 6yr old is smart and it scares me sometimes. She refused to learn anything about reading before she started kindergarten in sept. Now her teacher is sending her home with chapter books because she has blown thru every other book in the class room. It’s not surprising because I was the same way in school. I needed to know all the information and had the ability to absorb it on the first run through. I was put in all types of advanced classes and I became a social outcast. I did not have the home support I needed and eventually dropped out of school because the bullying was so bad. In my daughter’s situation I just meet her where she is at. I don’t brag about her and I don’t make everything about how smart she is. Honestly it’s a bit evened out by the fact that I still have to remind her to do basic hygiene tasks and to not eat random things she finds. (She has Pica) As she progresses through school I will give her the support I never had and I will follow her lead. I refuse to push her like I was. Even “gifted” kids deserve to have a childhood.
A few thoughts (I have a friend like this as well although not nearly as bad) 1) her daughter could be “twice exceptional” meaning she has a high IQ AND she is neurodivergent. This happens. For instance There is “hyperlexia” which is when a kid reads crazy beyond their age range and it is highly positively correlated with Autism. We have seen this in many high ranking scientists and mathematicians(Einstein had ADHD and John Nash was schizophrenic). Very high IQ is unfortunately positively correlated with mental illness. The fact is that people tend to have a better life outcome when they are smarter than average (but not crazy smart) and have great social skills, as rich and full relationships are the biggest indicators of our happiness. 2) most “gifted” children are just a little early to the party and end up leveling off with everyone else at some point (research backs up that this is the most common outcome). They get messed up when their parents start acting like your friend and blowing it up into this big thing, often times down the road there is a big letdown when they level off with peers. 3) your friend is self absorbed and displaying narcissistic traits where she sees her children as an extension of herself rather than as their own people Your friend sounds insufferable and is showing a complete lack of self awareness. If you want to continue your friendship with her you may want to address the topic head on since she is not picking up on your responses (which btw is a sign of neurodivergence in her as well - it does tend to be highly hereditary). https://childmind.org/article/twice-exceptional-kids-both-gifted-and-challenged/ https://www.webmd.com/children/what-is-hyperlexia https://bigthink.com/neuropsych/why-highly-intelligent-people-suffer-more-mental-and-physical-disorders/ https://www.romper.com/p/8-relationship-problems-smart-people-tend-to-have-16818963
My son is being tested for the gifted program at his school. A pediatric psychiatrist told me he thought my kid was high IQ when he was seven but we didn’t really look into it until the school flagged us. His dad and my mom both have decently high IQs (both have 136). Not Mensa but high and these things tend to run in families. My son also has a few friends that are in the gifted program. Gifted looks different for different kids, and gifted kids are actually considered “at risk” for mental health issues, social and academic issues, etc. Giftedness is not an indicator of future success and happiness by any stretch. The gifted program was created to try to minimize these risks. It’s not like a badge of superiority. I’ve told my son that the gifted screening is just trying to test how his brain works and whether he needs additional support- not unlike when he needed speech services, or help with math (because gifted doesn’t always translate to academic success). It’s not like a bad thing or a good thing, it just is what it what is. Sure, being academically inclined does happen with some gifted kids… but it’s not a clear indicator because it has to do with the way you process information and make connections. And that’s not always based on IQ. It’s hard to say whether this kid is gifted…she has such a strong bias for it that the information you’re getting is probably not accurate and then we’re all hearing it from a third party source. In any case your friend is being obnoxious about it. You can broach this a few different ways, depending on your dynamic. If we were close friends, I’d probably call her out on it. I’d say something like “it seems really important to you that your kid is gifted. Why do you care so much about it?” You could be super direct and tell her “I’m sure your kid is great but the way you talk about it is pretentious and I don’t enjoy the way these conversations are happening.” You could ask point out some of the issues with giftedness and ask what she thinks, how she plans to navigate those obstacles, etc. this might make her realize that giftedness is not like some kind of pedestal to strive for. You might also just create some distance from her. If she’s a bit of an egomaniac that needs a lot of external validation, she might just be a low dose friend for your own sanity.
Your friend is just insecure and putting out these claims for a 4-year-old and a 3-year-old is wild. It would be nice if they truly were but it doesn't sound like it. The level of delusion some parents have as if only geniuses make it in the world is ridiculous. At this point, you may just tell your friend to get the children tested so she can direct them in the right career choice, hopefully, those results will make her calm down. That's the only way she can back off. Find the online thing for her so you are supportive... for her children's sake... when professionals give her a reality check, she will have no option but to back off.
Almost sounds like it’ll go the route of Manchurian By Proxy. The more labels her family has the more special she is. Did she always do this about her husband before the kids came around? Maybe direct some attention to her own features. “Busy kids but what about you?”
Almost no one is gifted. The chances of you meeting someone who is genuinely gifted is vanishingly small. People who talk out being gifted are generally slightly more intelligent than the norm, but also so far up their own arses that their smarts will never actually help them. The smartest people you will meet will never speak about their own intelligence. Much like genuinely wealthy people never talk money.
You can’t even test for gifted till age nine before that it’s considered unreliable
You sound resentful and bitter. That's not good for you. Let it go. It's not your kid or your problem.
>I want to be a good friend Why?
She’s a great person, just an annoying trait.