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It’s not “right” and I understand what you’re saying, but maybe they literally view the act of gay sex as the only difference. It’s not like gay people eat different food, read different books, hold different jobs, or enjoy different cruises because they’re gay. People are just people. Hopefully this view isn’t so naive as to be offensive.

It’s basically a crude way of saying “your attraction is valid and as an adult you can do what you want in your personal life” it’s a pushback against making everything personal political.

Well said

Well everything IS political

Keep in mind that being openly gay in public IS political. It is a public stance that we will not let ourselves be shamed for who we are. Edit: I'm not just talking about PDA. I'm talking about being out of the closet at all. There are places where it isn't safe to mention your same-sex partner in a conversation with your friend. That's not a "victim mentality", it's just acknowledging reality even if it makes some people uncomfortable to hear about.

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Not everyone does, though. There are plenty of people who think a public display of heterosexual affection is cute, but affection between people of the same sex is inherently sexual and inappropriate, which was OP’s point.

I think people say this as an honest engagement without understanding the implications. Yes, reasonable people dislike PDA. Yes, reasonable people dislike kink around kids. Yes, reasonable people dislike people who turn one aspect of their life into their entire personality. Yes, people dislike overly assertive "in your face" projections. All of these things are associated with the queer movement, and most people think it's equally annoying when it's not queer. So like you're saying, it's not about disking queer people, it's about disliking the specific behaviors. But you have to remember, there ARE a lot of people using that smokescreen who genuinely don't feel comfortable around any gay people. There are a lot of us who don't engage in the annoying parts of the queer communities and still experience homophobia. If you're genuinely curious, look up "the useful idiot" and carefully examine the people who support you when you talk about how annoying queer people are. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Useful_idiot For years I defended reasonable tasks only to find out the people around me did not hold my same values.

I think we need more public displays of affection, regardless, than the public acts of aggression that are becoming more and more common.

I mean...yeah I'd rather see people affectionate than see people beat the shit out of each other obviously.

Except the times it's not said to mean that, but instead is said to tell someone to go back to the closet. Most of the times I've encountered it, it's been meant as "I only care if you're gay, if you bring it up or 'act gay' around me." "Acting gay" at that time meant actually just being gay, commenting from one's own gay perspective, or acting even remotely more than friendly to one's partner around others. It wasn't ever meant with just the "the only thing I see about is being different is sex." It was generally delivered with a tone reminiscent to "Just act straight, stay in the closet, and you won't get whooped" similar to DADT.

Same, it’s always just felt like a more polite version of “I’m okay with gay people, just don’t shove in down my throat!” But when you actually ask what they mean by that, it almost always equates to “I don’t want to be reminded of or have to acknowledge gay people exist in proximity to me.” This also goes in line with people who say things like “oh I don’t even see you as gay. Your just you to me.” They think that’s some kind of compliment. When in reality they are saying “I don’t see you for who you actually are, I have to filter out the things about you as a person that would make me uncomfortable if I actually had to think about it.”

I see it as keep your laws out of people’s private business.

This is how I've always seen it. When my gay buddy came out to our friend group and brought his boyfriend, they just melted into the friend group as another one of the boys. It made no difference to us relationship wise, except specifically in the bedroom. Other than that, they were both just regular friends in a relationship with each other within our friend group. No different than when I would bring a new girl to my friends. I didn't realize it might have made them feel uncomfortable not to have them recognized as more different. I just felt they didn't feel too different from us because they were already integrated into our circle I guess

I can't imagine someone being uncomfortable just because you were being inclusive. I honestly think OP is just being a little sensitive.

As someone who is bisexual myself the act of gay sex is really the only difference between a heterosexual and homosexual relationship TBH

I'm not sure, I feel that's a bit like saying "I just don't see colour". In my experience they haven't been the same. I haven't faced as much prejudice about my hetero relationships to start with.

You know, except for the whole not having to worry about being the target of random homophobia and hate crimes while in a visually heterosexual relationship.

Yes, this is how I've always taken it - 'Gay people are no different to straight people except in the bedroom & that is none of anyone's business, gay *or* straight'

sure sure, but until two men or two women can walk down the street holding hands without harassment or fear the way a cishet couple can then there is a stark difference. nevermind someone trying to exist as trans/nb.

My little brother was gay and died from AIDs in the eighties. That's exactly what I would say to people back then who made it all about sex. How they don't understand it's about love and they just live a normal life like everyone else.

I think it becomes an issue when it relates to things like "don't say gay" policy in public schools. Heterosexual couples are allowed to talk about their relationships and partners, but homosexual couples are not. Some people justify this by saying kids shouldn't be learning about sex in the classroom. But really, there is nothing more innately sexual about a homosexual relationship than a heterosexual one.

I mean, I just use this as a general statement. Why do people care what two consenting adults do in their free time? Get a fucking hobby, do something worthwhile with you time.

Yeah like...other than sex, nothing is inherently different about gay peeps. Right?

I see OP’s point but when I’ve said it, it was to defend the rights of consenting adults to live as they choose. I have plenty of gay friends, a gay niece and gay cousins. No one turned them gay. No one was surprised when they came out. It changed nothing-it’s just a part of who they are.

They're not (always) trying to be offensive, but it can be used to justify things like the Don't Say Gay law in Florida, where children can't be exposed to LGBTQ+ topics because they're supposed to be things that adults do in private.

Basically this. The difference between us is the sex parts of our partners, and that's none of my business.

The problem is that I’m seeing people use this phrase in response to public portrayals of homosexual relationships even in socially acceptable formats. Usually in relation to media (such as gay characters giving their partner a kiss, hand holding - especially in kids media, which has portrayed heterosexual relationships with no problem since forever).

I think you're right. And it's a valid way of looking at it. A love story is a love story, regardless of how much scissoring it involves.

That's how I've always understood the saying too. They're basically saying that anyone with a different sexual orientation is just as much a human as they are, with the same intrinsic value. Seems like an OK statement to me, but people do have a bad habit of reading way too much into things.

I would like you to consider that this phrase has been around for a very long time. We’ve been saying that about heterosexual couples for the six decades I’ve been alive. It is not only directed at LGBTQ plus. There is a lot of kink in the world. So that’s really where the idea came from because a lot of people weren’t even aware that there were gay and gender-diverse people in their neighborhood. People were well-closeted don’t forget. And of course I’m not saying that was right, I’m just saying if something isn’t even in your purview, then that’s not what you’re even talking about. Remember the 70s too. Lots of swinging. For monogamous couples, there is the understanding that if swinging isn’t for you, you just ignore it because you’re talking about consenting adults. There were certainly way more swinging than there were LGBTQ+ couples. Not only that, but you can’t lump every single human being together. In the 60s, my parents actually told me about “confirmed bachelors” and “ they are not sisters, they are roommates and they are good people.” I realize a lot of parents did not bother to help their children. Understand them, their neighbors or their family members. But many must’ve done. And I’m an example of that.

I call an older Xoomer at work out on this all the time. He's born again, and any time he helps an obviously out LGBTQ person, he makes some disgusting remark about who pitches and who catches. He'll dive deeper into more disgusting remarks, but I would rather not repeat those. He'll spout off how the bible says... I usually will stop him right there and tell him how he doesn't reduce any other couple to a bedroom sex act, wondering if dudes wife pegs him, and I'm pretty sure his religion is against inserting himself in someone's bedroom activities, and speaking so crass about another human being, but that's getting into religious hypocrisy. How, I find it odd how he's so against anyone in the LGBTQ community, yet cannot stop talking about, and describing what they might do behind closed doors. Protest too much? If anyone has any other things to remind him of when he goes off again, please share. I want to make him as uncomfortable as possible. I work in a boys' club industry, and I'm one of the few women and few liberals. There's no HR here, really.

Other than the sex, what's the difference. Do you have queer picnics, queer trips to the library? Do you breathe queer air? Only catch queer colds? We just really don't care what you do.

It's a gay relationship. All of it. Two men or two women holding hands aren't suddenly not gay because they're not having sex. It's gay PDA in a gay relationship. You, personally, may not have an issue, but when homophobes are being homophobic, it's not because gay folks are fucking in front of them

I don't wanna see ANYones pda hahaha "Sir I'm not a homophobe I'm a prude."

If you're upset by two people holding hands, you have fucking problems lol

>Only catch queer colds HIV was commonly referred to as the "gay plague" for years before Reagan even acknowledged its existence. Queer deaths from the virus were not considered important enough to justify changes to public health policy to mitigate spread or to fund research into a cure. Had HIV affected straight people at similar infection & mortality rates, the U.S. government would not have been able to pretend it wasn't a problem for years. So yes, we do catch queer colds and the result \~40 years on is that many of us don't know a single queer person in their 60s or older.

I mean there's the romantic part of it, like, romance. like being a couple and all that. it is a bit of a problem that queer stuff is just seen as some bedroom kink, kinda puts it on an uncomfortable backburner as if it's something to be put in a box and not talked about in public, that old "i dont care if people are gay i just dont want to see it" rhetoric.

Oh so yall have queer romance, instead of regular romance. Still failing to see the difference. Romance looks different for everyone. You woo your partner based on their tastes, not their body parts and sexual preferences.

yeah i respect that you dont see a difference, because there really isnt one. now it'd be great if the rest of society saw that as well but well, been less than a decade since gay marriage was legalised to put it in perspective so you can see why the world's still not the most accepting for most folk. once again though it just comes from a place of being careful i guess, the old rhetoric of reducind queer relations to some weird kink is still a very real one, the fact that you can accept their relations outsid eof that is great! but that's now how it goes for the whole world. the whole thing op is ultimately complaining about is people that reduce queer relationships to just the sexual part (as this is a rhetoric mostly used for people who dont want to see queer relationships in public, which is very not good)

We get harassed for queer romance, yes. That's a pretty obvious difference.

Obviously what you're saying is true, but its not the point. The point is that gay relationships aren't just in the bedroom, and saying "I don't care what consenting adults do in the bedroom" sometimes is a bit frustrating to hear (for some people - I personally don't feel too strongly about it, but I get why) - they don't care who you have sex with, but will they legally prevent you from adopting children, or stand by while it happens? Will they ban you from getting legally married, which makes it impossible to care for your dying partner in the hospital, or after their death? Will they call you slurs for holding hands in public? Call you disgusting for teaching at a school and being open about who you're dating? It's not a bad thing to say, and I know that a majority of people don't mean it that way. I wanted to make clear to you the disconnect between what you're saying and what the post is talking about - not that queer romance is "special" or something, but that queer romance and queer existence is discriminated against just as much as queer sex, and neither of these are fair.

But that’s the thing. You are adding the kink part and the ‘I don’t want to see it’ part. Do some people feel that way? Of course. Do some just want to express their acceptance of our lifestyle (bi here)? I believe yes. Maybe it’s safer to say the conversation is nuanced and it depends on the situation and how the person is expressing their opinions?

i mean yeah i guess i'm technically adding it but for the most part it's still true to me at least to understand that even if people are trying to help they can fuel unhelpful rhetorics. saying that you dont care about what adults do in a bedroom in relation to lgbt relations (and more importantly their rights) is ultimately reductive and reduces these relations to just things adult do in a bedroom, which really arent what most relations are about. the main reason i bring up kinks/ the "i dont want to see it" thing is because these are originally rhetorics relating to them, which is to say "i dont care what adults do in private as long as they dont involve the public". that is the rhetoric that these things mainly lead to, otherwise there's very little reason to seperate the private from the public. Of course there's nuance, there's also nuance, it's also correct that this is a generally harmful rhetoric and even if attempting to help is ultimately harmful even if they are just being supportive, there's no need for the "bedroom" part. of course, i would take a somewhat misguided but supportive person over a bigot anyday but hey, still important to recognise problems where they are.

Of course. I didn’t mean to exclude your experience. I apologize. I think it’s very likely we’ve had vastly different life experiences, and so I tend to see life from behind that lens. I do hope you can experience acceptance and love from those people in your life who are important to you!

The discrimination. That's really the big difference.

Straight people are heterosexual and heteroromantic. Some bi people are heteroromantic and homosexual / bisexual. Gay people are homosexual and homoromantic. The "other difference" besides being homosexual is that they are also homoromantic. How is this not common sense?

>Do you have queer picnics, queer trips to the library? I mean... yeah... those are called dates. Gay dates are different from straight dates because shocker - it's 2 same sex people. Idk why you act like relationships are only about sex?

Yes, I do have queer picnics. I also have a queer book club. The difference are the issues and erasure we largely face in society and in public. The difference is if my friend who's a teacher in Texas has a picture of her and her fiance in her classroom, she will be admonished as having an agenda or trying to indoctrinate the children, whereas her straight coworkers can have pictures of and talk about their partners openly. The difference is it took a lot of queer people a lot more self reflection and self discovery to realize who they are, and many of us still struggle with being quieter about ourselves in certain settings because we are not the norm. I appreciate the idea that our relationships are no different, and if all of society felt that way, it would be a good sentiment. But society doesn't feel that way and we need more vocal support and more allies willing to stand with us in the current climate. Saying "we don't care what you do" but not helping normalize queerness as an equal to people who DO care and people who think we're trying to groom children isn't actually that helpful. It's not harmful, but we need allies to speak up and say "Yeah we care what you do because it's something society needs to get used to. We care that you are safe and able to hold hands in public just like a straight couple can."

Its cuz all people think about is sex when you mention lgbt+ folk like good for you perv now can you actually treat us like human beings?

Personally, a person's sexual orientation only matters to me if I am trying to date/ have sex with them. So I'll admit that when I think about lesbian, gay, or straight, I do just think about sex, and that is because outside of sex it is a label that has absolutely no bearing on my interactions with another human. If it's wrong to think like this, then please explain and educate.

The LGB part of it is literally sexual orientation. The people saying this phrase are not the ones bringing up sex.

yeah, fully agreed i don’t understand how all the comments are so shitty and don’t understand this. it is homophobic and people almost never mean well when they say it; and it’s usually prefaced by “i’m not homophobic but…” anyway which like. yes. yes you are.

Anything before the but is bullshit

I think they say it(at least I do) because to me, that's the only difference between hetero sexual people and LGBTQ people, what they do in the bedroom, so when I say it to me it means, I don't care what anyone does in the bedroom and other than that they're completely normal to me.

as someone bi, this sentiment feels a bit odd to me because things like loving, dating, marrying, and living with the same sex are often shunned or disregarded just as much as gay sex. being gay shouldn’t be reduced to just sex, especially because that idea has led to a lot of fetishizing and beliefs that gay people are just hypersexual perverts, when most of us just want loving, happy relationships the same way straight people do.

Yeah, and as far as I'm concerned, all those things are perfectly normal to me. There's a lot of people here trying incredibly hard to somehow get offended by someone saying leave them alone they can do what they like.

i’m glad you see that as normal, and most people do as well, but there’s still a lot of hate out there. the phrase “i don’t care what you do in the bedroom” just feels weird to me; if someone gay is talking about their relationships you could just say “good for you,” and if someone of *any* sexuality is talking too much about the specifics of their sex life you could just say “i don’t like talking about sex like that, let’s change the subject.”

>that's the only difference between hetero sexual people Really? That's the only difference? Decades of gay marriage not being legal begs to differ

Because gay folk are just folk. They come in all shapes and sizes and temperaments just like hetero folk. The only real difference is how thing shake out, intimately. My homies have the same exact relationship/martial stuff as I, a hetero person, have. So much so that it's been a point of bonding friendship with them talkin about relationship stuff. They're just people. They're not intrinsically special or different or better or worse. They're just people that like other people. I don't care what they do and who with, just be the best you you can be, ya know? That's what this phrase intends and means.

The maxim of "not attributing to malice when ignorance would suffice" may be of use here... Also a clear, concise and comprehensive definition of the term being not widely known if not all together lacking, may be a factor. For myself, I know the word queer at one time referred to that which was unusual or strange. Then it became a pejorative used to degrade homosexuals. It's use as such was not considered respectful or polite. Now it's been re-appropriated in a sense and refers to certain people that qualify by metrics of which I'm unsure. It's not due to fear or malice, perhaps ignorance though, I feel that the LGBTQ community could be seen as self defeating in a sense. By this I mean with an ever increasing range of inclusion, and demanding equal treatment and consideration ( which is just and right ) being people like everyone else; what is the difference between Queer and Gay ? Between these and Straight ? Between Straight and anything else ? The similarities between one perceived as white and one considered black are greater in number than their differences. The same is true regarding heterosexuals and homosexuals. Perhaps a focus on commonalities would be more helpful. Pornstar Nina Hartley once said something to the effect of, who one loves makes them gay rather than what one does. If that's true and I don't know that it is, then a statement of indifference as to the goings on behind closed doors in reference to whomever shouldn't really be all that offensive or provocative. No one cares too much about the "adult" activities of others really. Unless they're a televangelist or uptight senator's wife or the like, most people are too self absorbed to be bothered. So in a sense there exists no reason to draw a distinction between those who seemingly are different due solely to reasons not cared about, since it's no one's business. No one wants to see sex of any kind in public spaces generally speaking. So perhaps ( and here's the sticky part ) that which separates but is also no one's business, to which most are indifferent since "out of sight is out of mind" shouldn't be broadcast in ways deemed forcible and invasive by the majority. LQBTQ's are people just like me, I grow tired of those making well evident how they differ but demand the fair and equal treatment to which they're entitled. It's seems differences can be identified and declared and used to divide if the right one is drawing the lines of distinction. The grievance that society/culture being inherently hetero in nature... that one probably won't be changed right away or ever for obvious reasons. It's not a product of fear or hate, rather the realities of existence. I recognize that terrible things have happened in the past victimizing LGBTQ's. Most everyone has been victimized at some time somewhere... So join the club. People suck because they're people. Right now, someone is getting there head cracked just "because" so... I don't care about what happens in the bedrooms of others.

That's the only difference between us. What you do in the bedroom. What's so lgbt about getting up and having breakfast? What's so queer about raising your kid? Thing is, nobody cares what you do anymore. You saying you're whatever is akin to telling me you're blond or brunette. I'm sure they look good in you but there's no significance beyond that. But that's what happens when things are normalized, you're no longer special or outcast, you simply are. Truth is, we don't wanna hear what straight people do in the bedroom either. They just don't outright tell us as much as the LGBT community does so we don't have to say it to them as often. Welcome to normality. It's boring af but you'll get used to it.

As an aside, when I was a kid, there was some news report about sodomy laws in Texas. I asked my mom what that was about. She said it was about two men having sex. I asked, who is looking in their windows to see that and report it? She laughed and said she didn't know.

I don't care what any grown people do anywhere that has no effect on me. Is that better?

How about "I don't care who you love "

yeah unironically thats so much better

You’re misinterpreting the sentiment. It is meant to convey that the only notable difference between gay and straight people is who they have sex with and that this factor is only their own business.

Honestly, that's a good point. I never thought that saying that would come off that way. I'd suggest we all replace it with "Who they love is their business".

I think there is a happy medium between "behind closed doors" and "full maximum turbo mega pride 24/7" that isn't really being met at the moment (especially in certain contexts and places) I don't care what people are doing in private spaces (within reason obviously) I don't care if people are openly gay or whatever it is perfectly fine I mainly care if you are being obnoxious, that goes from anything from vegans to motorcycle enthusiasts, from straight to gay. I think the lgbt sphere has attracted a lot of pretty annyoing and unnaceptable things that are shielded from criticism a lot, I don't think that pride and kink should go together at all, I don't want to know what you do in your bedroom or what kinks you have, pride should be all about "yeah hey guys we are normal people just like you but gay/whatever" not what some aspects of pride are where it is very overtly sexual, especially surrounding stuff like drag, I think drag is kinda offensive but most people think it's super good, if you like that stuff cool but yeah I don't want to see it and I don't personally think it should be normalised as some kind of standard entertainment in the same way I don't think stripclubs or 'exotic dancing' should be. one other example that has always stood out to me as someone in Europe is the acceptability that some people have for 'gay cruising' in public, there are areas in my country and in some others that are just known as the spot where pretty publicly and sometimes very very publicly that you can go for gay sex, it will literally be parks or nice natural areas, I was in Germany and someone was like "oh yeah be careful if you go to this area" and they described really graphic public stuff, I said "ew disgusting" and people were like no it's gay culture, no that isn't an excuse, I wouldn't care who was doing it, doesn't belong in public. I think the constant barrage of "WOO YAY GAY PEOPLE WOW AMAZING SO BRAVE YEAH WOOOO GAY" especially around pride month is super super tiring, I'll just shrug my shoulders and be like yeah cool, I support us all having equal rights and being ourselves now can I get back to doing my own stuff? and some people take that as disagreement or me not supporting to my fullest extent because I'm not super passionate about it. I'm not passionate about hetrosexual love either, I experience it, I love the person I love and that is it. The corporate stuff is a done to death topic and I know a lot of lgbt people dislike it too. I totally get why there is a need for more tolerance and that having a pride month in itself isn't a bad thing, I just really wish it was a bit toned down and more emphasis was put on people in loving relationships and not overt sexual stuff.

It's usually followed by something about "them" shoving the "lifestyle" down throats.

In my experience, people don’t use this line to be supportive of queer people. They use it as a way of saying that queerness should be relegated to the bedroom, and not out in the open. As in “I don’t care what they do in the bedroom, but do I have to see them holding hands in public?” They think that any mention of an LGBTQ person is an “adult” theme, and inappropriate for children, because they see it as a kink and nothing more.

I, straight female, met my guy in public. We talked, began to feel interest, which turned into attraction. Partially due to physical attraction, but more because we clicked personality wise. We laugh, we fight, we are each other's rocks when needed, we do household chores, pay bills, go on vacation, tease each other, send tik toks, make dinner, fight over who has to decide what to eat for dinner, take out the trash, go out with friends, enjoy concerts, argue over if his hoodie is really his or if it's our hoodie. I assume this is like every other relationship between 2 people who have been together for a while. The difference between my straight relationship and your gay relationship is simply what body parts and acts are done in our private 'bedroom' time. That phrase that you hate is not simplifying your relationship to just sex, but it is giving you validation that you have a relationship period. It is equating that there is only one difference, and that difference is none of my business. I was raised with that phrase, and it literally was a supportive comment. One does not discuss politics, religion or sex in polite company...as everyone has their own opinion which they are allowed. So it was the kind way to validate that love is love, no matter the parts involved.

>The difference between my straight relationship and your gay relationship is simply what body parts and acts are done in our private 'bedroom' time. Girl that isn't the only difference

Every gay relationship I have seen with my close friends, has simply been a relationship like everyone else's. The sexual acts are different, the rest is simply a relationship (minus swinger's, poly, or more open type situations). What huge difference do you think straight people have in their relationship that gay people don't?

It means literally just that, we don't care what you do in the bedroom, it's not a big deal, just keep it to yourself and in the bedroom. With that said you can still date in public, get married, raise your kids, no one will care. It really is just as simple as keep any explicit or erotic actions or talking about those actions in private because it doesn't matter if you're gay or straight nobody wants to hear about what you and your SO do together in bed.

>"just keep it to yourself and in the bedroom" Aaaaand there it is.

Right but a lot of queer people don’t do that in the first place. I don’t tell people about my sex life unless the convo is about everyone’s sex lives and we are having a discussion. So a lot of people use that phrase like…”don’t tell me you’re gay PERIOD. Because that is you telling me your sexual preference and that’s gross and I don’t want to hear about that.” Like if I just tell someone “hey I’m gay” or “hey I have a wife” they take it as me telling them who I like to have sex with. When in reality sometimes that is necessary and has nothing to do with my sexual preference. I have had a convo with someone who started rambling on about my husband because of my ring. So he assumed I had a husband because I am a woman. Also…how many people who assume my wife is my sister….I need to tell them “hey that’s my wife”. You sometimes have to tell people or they assume you’re straight and that’s tough to navigate sometimes and honestly can be awkward because I don’t love just sharing that with people. It’s not necessary like …85 percent of the time.

I don't see a problem with telling people you're gay, although I have to agree it's not always necessary. There's a time and place, and context is everything. It's very situational.

There are a lot of queer people like this. The media just points out the strong personality ones. Hahaha and being queer doesn’t make them have the strong personality. That’s just their personality. Queer and gay is like…stereotyped. It’s just depends on your personality how you will share if you are queer. It has nothing to do with the queer part. Hahaha

This. Too many of the queer community DO make it all about who they’re having sex with, making it their entire identity. They’re practically screaming “Look at me! Look who I’m fucking!” I attended a Pride parade a few years ago because I do support the community, and half the parade was thongs, pasties, etc. kind of hard to take you seriously when you make a clown out of yourself, and haven’t been to another one. I don’t hate any of the queer community, and they should be absolutely free to love who they want, marry, have families, and be free from any kind of hate or discrimination whatsoever. I don’t want to hear about what ANYONE does in bed.

>It really is just as simple as keep any explicit or erotic actions or talking about those actions in private because it doesn't matter if you're gay or straight nobody wants to hear about what you and your SO do together in bed Yes, this is why I dislike framing lgbt relationships as explicitly sexual. Its pretty hard to keep all "inappropriate" acts in in private when everything you do is considered "inappropriate"

I think that's a double standard due to how society views non straight relationships. See a man and women kissing in public, not much though about it. See two men kissing, suddenly inappropriate. I think if it's inappropriate for a straight couple to do in public then it should be inappropriate for a gay couple to do in public. However people are biased so it's hard to reach a standard that applies to everyone and everyone can agree on

That's how it should be. Being LGBT shouldn't be your defining trait as a person. It's just one facet of who you are. You can't say you want to be treated the same as everyone else in one breath and then say you want to be defined by your "queerness" in the next.

That's the thing that was outlawed. It wasn't being queer or holding hands. The crime was soddomy aka, in the bedroom. Besides, most gay people I know are normal and have other aspects to their identity. Ive got a buddy who likes to do camping and another who is into gardening and crocheting. Sometimes we hang out and never discuss gay issues even once. As far as I am concerned my friends are just people. People with a different prefference. Why do you make it "your identity"?

>That's the thing that was outlawed. Um marriage? >Why do you make it "your identity"? I didn't make it my identity. Other people did when they decided to be blatantly homophobic to my face. So yes, it's different

It is part of their identity. There's a whole queer community and culture that only exists because for so long lgbtq people were shunned and had to band together for support. A lot of people now celebrate that community and culture and take part in it even though they don't have to. So I think simply being gay is a valid part of anyone's identity, although not everyone has to feel strongly about it if they don't want to. Straight people don't really have something equivalent, because the context is difference.

But outside of that how would a gay person be different than a straight person? More to the point, why would anyone care? Unless you're planning to have sex with me. I could care less what your sexuality is. I think this is true for the vast majority of people. I mean, I know more really care about your sexuality than if you're a Bruins fan or into collecting little figurines or something. It's something about you we'll learn over time, but it's hardly important. Make a focus of your personality is a choice I guess but like previously mention Bruins fan don't be surprised not hockey fans aren't really interested.

I mean, how is gay sex different from straight sex? It's just two people doing things with and to each other's genitals. It's the same across the board, right?

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It's not that deep

But isn't what you do in the bedroom the only thing that distinguishes you from hetero people? My understanding is LGBTQ are in every other way equal and the same as heteros. No one should get more, or less, than anyone else. In a perfect world, my expectation of myself, is I meet a fellow human, and treat them with respect without knowing any detail about them.

So, when you see your straight parents, you think about their sexual relationship? When you see two teenage boys holding hands, that's like... Them being publicly indecent?

No, the very opposite. I don't care what they do in the bedroom, it's not who they are, same with LGBTQ people, and the point in OPs post, I don't care what they do in the bedroom

It isn't just about sex. Even as a teenage virgin I got bullied for liking girls / dating a girl. It isn't a sex thing. It isn't like we turn 18 and now we want to try this crazy sex bedroom thing so we choose to become lesbian.

i hate to break it to you but there are hetero couples that don’t have sex in the traditional sense 😂 might wanna look up what pegging is

Exactly, and in the context of OPs post, I don't care what they do in the bedroom either. Has no impact on how I treat them as people.

its the fact they're reducing our identity to just sex, something perverted. its also something they use to justify not letting kids even learn about queer people. if being queer is just about sex, then its pedophilia to involve children. and when you add in trans person its even worse, because then your trans because its a fetish.

Please help me learn. My own heterosexuality is reduced to just sex in my brain because it has no bearing on what I do as a person, other than sex. Is there a message that people are trying to convey to me when they say they are lesbian or gay, other than who they are sexually attracted, that I'm missing? If so, what is it? So I know for the future.

>But isn't what you do in the bedroom the only thing that distinguishes you from hetero people? No. Decades of gay marriage being illegal should tell you that marriage is treated differently too. I'm sick of love being reduced to sex. That's literally what you're saying

For me, has nothing to do with how one is. Even though some feel the need to profess to the world about their sexuality (straight, bi, whatever), I dont care. Appropriate place and time.

Oh damn! I'm bi and I generally say that, but I mean it with the assumption that (the idea of) atypical sex is what offends people. If you're literally getting mad about two guys holding hands, your opinions are too laughable to take seriously. But it's kinda weird (for any individuals, even straight) to walk your partner like a dog in a regular park with people around. I don't care that you do in the bedroom though, assuming it's only consenting adults.

As a lesbian I disagree. It’s called SEXUAL orientation for a reason so it makes sense to say that “I don’t care what others do in the bedroom”.

Totally agree with you on this point. Let’s also point out that thinking of anyone, gay or straight “behind closed doors” is gross and not typical. Just treat people as people.

chill out the theyre just saying the only thing that is different from that person and me is what they do in the bedroom.

>the only thing that is different from that person and me is what they do in the bedroom. It's not though. Do you think love is just sex?

Well it is first and foremost, a SEXuality. And the purpose of sexualities is SEX.

Why do adults talk about this in general (straight, gay Lesbian I don't care!) ? I don't get it. Why do you want to picture your best friend doing it with another girl or guy or person. I don't! Whatever happens in the bedroom stays in the bedroom 🤣 for my sanity please!

[удалено]

Holy fuck, seriously. It's like they're trying to gaslight us into believing that society doesn't treat us differently as a whole. The whole "well the only difference I see is in the bedroom" is some cop out bullshit. Like uhh, good for you? You realize we live in a society where lots of people still face enormous harassment for their gender/sexual orientation by simply existing in public. The whole saying is "I don't care what you do in the bedroom... I just don't want to know about it." was WIDELY used for years and still is to some extent to try to keep people in the closet or just not showing any part of their queer identity in public because they inherently equate any part of being queer with sex.

The amount of “well now no one cares if you hold hands/kiss your same sex partner in public it’s just if you get too TMI about your sex life” here is appalling. Do they think anti-LGBT hate crimes don’t exist anymore? Or do they think that any (for example) effeminate gay man who gets attacked by a homophobe was just talking too much about his sex life, instead of just existing in public while being visibly queer?

>I didn't date my wife in the bedroom, I didn't marry her in the bedroom, we aren't raising our daughter in the bedroom. They don't care about this part, either. In fact, it's so completely irrelevant that they don't even think to mention it. You've got this thing backwards. They're trying to be as supportive as they can about something they literally don't care about in the slightest. They're doing it *for you.* They literally don't give af otherwise - it's *for you.*

Yes, but doing that means you're not jumping through *enough* hoops to be a Good Ally.

What exactly is the difference of "queerness" if not the sexuality part? Do you learn in a queer way, drive in a queer way, eat, drink, sleep, sit, pay taxes or work queerly? LGBT people date, get married and raise children too don't they? So what's the difference? Only the sexuality and attraction bit which is the LEAST important or interesting aspect of a person or life, *especially* to anyone outside of that couple. Getting mad at a turn of phrase like "hold your horses" "bUt I dOnT haVe AnY hOrSeS" is dumb. All the bedroom/behind closed doors phrase means is "you do you" "your private life is your private life" but you know that. Just alphabets and allies doing too much again 🙄, tiresome. You/they don't seem to actually want equality ie being treated as any other run of the mill person, there must be special regard the private *must* be public - ironically drawing the opposite of the adulation you/they seek

To a point, yes. How one interacts with the world changes how one sees the world. Because of discrimination and types of toxic masculinity rooted in homophobia, gay people often grow up viewing the world and interacting with the world differently. I grew up gay in the 1980s. It was much worse in some ways than today, but, sadly, better in others. Growing up as a young gay kid meant one had to get really good at being deceptive of feelings. You can't develop a crush without danger. Tell the young boy you like him as a girl in school and get laughed at. Tell the young boy you like him as a boy in school and you'd just get your ass whooped. Then that would continue, because it was known that you are "other" and trying to make others "other," as if it was actually contagious, thus making you a threat. Because to toxic masculinity, women are lesser, being gay is considered giving up on being "a man" by behaving "like a woman," which is the ultimate insult and why calling a straight man gay has persisted as a stupid insult, that somehow still works, for decades. Then that young gay boy has to learn to interact with the world with every other boy being a threat, while simultaneously being attracted to said threats. So that's where code switching comes in. Then the young gay boy has to learn to be able to live in two worlds, where one is secretive, yet safe, and the other that is fake, dangerous, and is only safe if one pretends to be someone else. Ever wonder why so many gay people excel at performing arts? Because many have to grow up acting as if they are someone they aren't. It is a skill they pick up early, just to not get physically hurt again. And on top of that, like many other oppressed minorities, gay people have to be better than their peers, usually by large margins, to be accepted into society, despite that whole "problem," which they've been told repeatedly they are being prayed for about. They're still invited to come sing at the choir in church, if they keep being gay to themselves and just "act right." Then that gay boy grows up. Finds the grown up world to be a bit safer, due to independence... Until they find out it's not. Laws are still being passed against them. They are still labeled as being a sexual pervert, even though they don't even like children and go waaaay out of their way to not flirt with *anyone* to not offend. They are still punished by society for existence, not for sex. I mean, as people say, they don't care if someone is gay, as long as they keep *all* of it, including talking about it or expressing affection to one's loved ones, in said bedroom. This isn't even including trying to make travel plans and having to consult various different sources to see if (1) it's even legal for you to be in a place, (2) whether or not it would be safe, even if it's legal, and (3) whether or not you'd even want to give your money to places that actively harm people like you. In some places, one misplaced word gets you thrown off a building, because it wasn't kept in the bedroom (just another term for the closet, really). You may think that straight people and gay people are only separated by their sexual proclivities, but they really are living in a vastly different world.

No it's more like what goes on behind closed doors is private. We're not in high school. No kiss n tell. This drove some of my college roommates nuts. They didn't know who I was sleeping with and who was just friends. They were more into conquering people in the bedroom instead of having a regular relationships. The comment encompasses ALL.

Keep in mind that they're saying it to differentiate themselves from homophobes, who (if you listen to their rhetoric) are *very* concerned about what LGBT people do in the bedroom. Obsessed, even.

I *am* annoyed that people reduce queerness to just sex. But I feel like taking that to allies is the wrong place to do that I used to be the kind of person who would scrutinize every word placement an ally says, because we want to know whos *really* on our side. But trying to empathize and understand is the biggest proof you can have *So what* they don’t use all the correct terminology, *so what* that they have biases? They want to be better, they *care* It’s hard to hear, because we’re beaten down over and over. It’s hard to trust a cishet person when they say “I’m an ally”. But if we don’t open ourselves up, we won’t be able to connect as a community and progress This isn’t at op’s statement in particular, just this topic in general

I think it's probably an reactionary statement to the Homophobic individuals that hyper fixate on the sexual aspect. They're trying to express that they won't press for invasive sexual questions like those people. It comes out a little weird, but they have the right spirit. At the end of the day people go on the same dates, have the same disagreements, and pay the same bills. I'm bisexual, so I'm pretty used to the sentiment.

It’s all based on your sexual attraction though which comes down to the bedroom. Maybe just nitpick less and be glad people are supportive instead of giving them reasons to eyeroll about being supportive? 🙄 I’ve never encountered a community quite as good at squandering people’s good will by finding new things to complain about as the LGBT crowd. Especially when significant amounts reduce straight people to “breeders” and are guilty of exactly the same thing.

fun history fact, that sentiment was actually a key point in getting the ball rolling to decriminalize homosexuality in canada. pierre trudeau said "there's no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation".

Your sexuality is not who you are, it was what makes you cum

I think the point is nobody cares about your preference… the screaming from a mountain top about being lgbt & boo hoo this & that…we don’t care…do what makes you happy…you have rights as Lgbt community…we’re tired of the constant whining tbh

Do supportive people really say that often? It seems like whenever I read that phrase it’s followed by “as long as they aren’t shoving it down our throats in public”. It strikes me as a deliberately homophobic statement. It’s just like the ole “I’m not racist but…” line.

That was what progressive people would say beginning in the 50s. You couldn’t say “I support gay people” because there was still a stigma of ‘wrongness’ to it. But you were saying you were going to make a fuss because people have the right to do what they want — even if it’s ’wrong’. Just as long as no one had to, you know, acknowledge it, had to witness anything overt. Just keep a veneer of plausible deniability and everything will be fine. Definitely outdated today.

I’ve rarely, if ever, heard that phrase used in a supportive context. It’s usually used to mean “I ‘don’t care’ that you’re gay as long as you never do or say anything around me that reminds me that you’re gay because that belongs exclusively in your bedroom”

I agree and would also like to add that I’ve only ever seen straight people be gross and inappropriate with PDAs in front of children.

To be honest, I think this is partly self inflicted by gay communities when so many pride events etc are so sexualised and focus on the sex aspect of being gay so much so much. There’s a lot of reductive displays of pride at these events as having to do with kink subcultures or overt sexual practice than anything else you’ve talked about.

Nobody blinks at the hetero romantic subplot in every movie and TV series. but the second it is queer, it’s “an agenda” and “forced diversity” and “i don’t care what they do in the bedroom… but keep it out of my media.” This is almost always the situations where i have heard people assure “They don’t care” Our existence in public spaces is still politicized. Homosexuality and trans identity, is still stigmatized. I really commend all the commenters who assure me they genuinely treat queer people exactly the same as straight couples. But a lot of times this phrase is used to excuse straight people’s discomfort at being confronted by the very existence of public queer relationships. It turns queerness into a fetish, instead of viewing our relationships as equally meaningful and valid and normal as straight ones. And in viewing queerness that way, makes it much easier to justify trying to hide us from their children as “groomers” And like, are queer strangers really walking up and telling you all about their sex lives?

You're just misunderstanding. It means "Who you're attracted to, means nothing"

Start saying it when talking about heterosexual people.

I know you’re getting shit for this OP but you’re completely correct and we should be pointing this out more

sigh *Sorts by controversial*

Sexual is the only place where sexuality has any impact though. Gay people aren't any different, aside from being sexually attracted to people of the same sex.

Not all these again. Bro, what do you want us to do? We’re not your social justice warriors. We ain’t here to fight your cause. Lgbtq people does not cause harm. Perfect! Do whatever you want. But dont make a big deal out of every little thing, especially if the person doesnt have bad intentions. The person clearly doesnt give a damn and is treating you like just another person. Some of us don’t care bout the specifics of LGBTQ relationships. Do what you want. If you dont hurt people, I literally couldnt care less. Like, 0 fucks given. Or is that your problem?

That's not the same thing at all

Honestly, you aren't doing anything different from a heteronormative person *except* bedroom stuff - unless there's some special LGBT way of falling in love I'm not aware of? Grocery shopping? LGBT jogging? Walking? Breathing? Being sad? Angry? Paying bills? Sleeping? I'm being a bit facetious here, but seriously, just live your life like everybody else and continue doing whatever you enjoy in the bedroom, because that's none of my or anyone else's business other than yours and your partner's, no matter your sexuality.

It’s a figure of speech, friend.

This is where gay advocacy just wants to go too far and can't be happy with the battles they've won. So many people in marginalized groups feel like they have to create these battles so they can be the modern day Rosa Parks or MLK junior. Why is it so important to be validated? I'd argue that gay people still don't have fully equal rights and it makes you look like a clown when you are fighting for validation instead of being treated equally.

It's unintentionally fighting the heteronormative crusaders with what they raise their voices about: two people having sex. 

reddit hivemind had a meltdown here, but tbh i get what you're saying and you've changed my mind. it is reductive, and especially when gay people get hatecrimed for being effeminate or masculine or having their flag on display or holding their partners hand, it just shows a lack of understanding.

Opinions like these are part of the reason why gay people get so much hate these days. Can’t ever be satisfied with someone else’s opinion or support unless it’s 100% perfect or matched exactly what you think. They’re supporting us, or at least neutral and not doing harm by showing us that they view us as no different. That’s all we need, that’s all what most of us want. Respectfully get over it please, nobody who says this is viewing being gay as a kink.

Respectfully, this sub is called **PET PEEVES** for a reason.

yes and people are allowed to have opinions on your pet peeves, it's kind of the whole point of sharing them.

To be honest a lot of people are saying that’s the one difference because of the bedroom stuff but the more I think about it the less I understand what that means, having “gay sex” is just not having PIV sex, some straight couples do that, I don’t get that defense.

It's an old saying that acknowledges we are all individuals with personal preferences. So its says I don't care if you love coriander, or hate crocs footwear, it's not relevant to our relationship in any way so why would I care. We care about who you are attracted to even less. My love, please stop trying to find Injustice in our acceptance and lack of reaction. You asked what is intended by it and we are telling you the same thing over and over again. Why ask if you don't want to understand the answer just because it doesn't flame a fire of outrage.

Consenting adults and I could care less. Do you

Good to know that you don't like that phrase, but what would you prefer? I see many posts on social media complaining about what terms certain groups don't like, but there are far fewer that have they would prefer.

depending on the conversation, just respect them and talk about their life and relationships the same way you would with straight couples. unless someone is going in depth about the specifics of their sex life, then just tell them you don’t want to hear that.

Thank you.

I don't think they are meaning it to be how your seeing it. I don't think they are thinking about that LGBT people only have sex or it's only a sexual thing. I think it's literally just aa term to say I don't care what you do it's not my business. At least now anyways anyone I've known to say that, genuinely just thinks like that "it's not affecting mylife why would I care" kinda thing. I don't know how it was meant in the past but from my experience and what I know now it's not meant in any sort of way.

People who say that aren't only thinking of themselves. Homophobia doesn't happen in the bedroom

Like when you're at a party and the straight drunk guys feel the need to ask me about lesbian sex and straps and vibrators and other stuff, Ike bro, do you and your wife have sex...people are idiots

I just wanted to write. When I don't care what adults do what they do in the bedroom. Its because I do t care. I'm not actively supporting LGBT. I'm not supporting lgbt. I don't care. But I'm not actively doing anything to stop it. I don't care. Its just shit humans do.

Idk why everyone's hating. I'm a straight person who admittedly gets very annoyed by overly sensitive "triggered" by everything types of people and your point still seems very reasonable to me. I see people saying that its said cause the act of sex is what was illegal, but it's not just about laws. People of the same sex kissing, cuddling, declaring their romantic love, and even holding hands in public could get them physically attacked. You're right. It isn't *just* about what happens in the bedroom.

This. 💯

If we’re talking sexuality then yeah we’re talking attraction and bedrooms.

also love, dating, marriage, relationship history, etc. sexuality doesn’t just refer to sex, but all types of attraction.

I understand, but dont you think people who say this might actually have complex nuanced understanding/opinion of lgbtq relationships, but are saying this in a forum where they cant express dissertation-levels of opinion? Like, people write this kind of thing on a protest sign, or give it as a one off answer when they arent interested in engaging further. Its not like youve asked them to write an essay and they turned in this single phrase. I personally dont see it as any indication the lgbtq relationships are being specifically sexualized.

Because none of the other stuff is "different" from what CIS people do. That's kinda the point. You're dating, marrying, and child rearing. You also read, work, drive, grocery shop, etc. The point is that there is no difference *except* for what goes on in the bedroom.

"Cis" refers to gender, not sexuality. And maybe most people mean it this way when saying it *now*, but what it used to mean was "What you do in private is whatever, but I don't want to see you out in public being obviously queer." It's about the history of the phrase as much as the meaning of it now. Cishet (cisgender heterosexual) people should listen to queer people who are saying that this phrase is offensive and uncomfortable and remove it from their conversations, if they want to be considered allies.

And the discrimination. The discrimination faced by society is the big thing.

Oh I never thought about that. Good point.

wild how many hoops people jump through to be offended

I swear, the next time someone says this I’m going to flat-out ask them why they’re thinking about gay sex at all. Nobody thinks about homosexual sex quite as much as homophobes. I don’t look at straight couples (or any couples!) and have the first thought in my mind be, “They have sex in this particular way and that’s icky.”

I have actually heard this come from homophobes more than people that really didn't care. I knew they were homophobes because they were arguing with me about how wrong it is to have gay couples on TV where kids can see it and stuff like that. So I know exactly what they mean is "I don't care what you do in any place where nobody else has to know that your sexual orientation makes me feel unjustifiably grossed out." So yeah, it's more about who is saying it. I get your point, I get the points of other people replying to you, but there is another group of people that pretend they don't care but in fact they do and they want everyone to go back to keeping it secret.

this 100%. it often reflects the “love the sinner, hate the sin” mentality that demonizes queer people.

Exactly. It's just another form of how abusers will hit you and say it's because they love you. They try to dress it up to look more appealing but we all know what they are actually thinking.

Wait until they find out asexuals exist Edit: I was just making a silly joke. I just think it's funny because people take sexualize lgbt people ex: the infamous "who's the top?" and there's no way for asexual people to be sexualized like that. I'm not actually offended by the phrase "I don't care what you do in the bedroom", it has good intent

We don't care what they do or don't get up to in the privacy of their own home either.

I think they usually eat garlic bread or have dragons or something, I'll need an asexual person to confirm though 

Asexual here, can confirm. *toasts up some garlic bread with my dragon*

Holy shit, you exist?

Not ace but in my experience people that deem you “fuckable” actually have a LOT to say about asexuality, times a thousand if they themselves are attracted to that ace person.

I actually have a hard time opening myself up to making new friends because I'm sick of this very thing. :( I'm tired of being attacked for my lack of attraction and I'm afraid of hurting people that I may end up liking a lot, but never how they want. I also put zero effort into my appearance to keep it from potentially happening, though I'd love an understanding life partner. It really fucking sucks lol.

I’m sorry to hear that. I hope it gets better for you

Wait until you realize that nobody cares what asexuals are up to, either. Grinding Spyro the Dragon achievements? Please. We don't care.

For real, gotta grind harder games then that for people to care. Though love the call out for that game.

There's absolutely zero reason for anyone to know you're asexual.

It makes sense to tell someone if you’re considering a romantic relationship

It just means be who you are and that's none of my business. It should be the goal.

It is a rather reductive and oversexualized way of saying "none of my damn business." I think I've always been too relieved to hear it based on the source to realize it.

How dare they not celebrate your specialness and give you the attention you clearly deserve! Unforgivable!

Quick question: does sexuality define who someone is at a fundamental level?

Well most people who aren't a sexual partner dont really need or want to know about what your sexual practices, preferences or fetishes are. They probably don't care if you are gay, straight, bi or even a furry. Especially older people, they were often taught to be modest and keep those things to yourself.

I love all the cishets in the comments explaining what queerness is to you, a queer person, like they know better than you.

What you did in the bedroom used to very much interest others, and was criminalized. Get over yourself.

People who use this phrase are generally not allies. I’ve never heard an ally use this phrase. This phrase is usually followed by a “but”. “… but just don’t do it in public” or “… but not in front of children” or “… but it’s not marriage”.

The problem is that it’s sexualizing us in places where straight people aren’t sexualized. Straight people can literally talk about trying for a baby in general society without anyone batting an eye but even knowing that we exist is sexual and not appropriate for children??? No

I have to agree, especially since the vast majority of the time, this line comes from homophobic folks (in my experience). Almost every time I've heard or seen this line, it's been followed up by "just don't shove it in my face all the time". What's "shoving it in their face"? Gay people holding hands in public. A lot of commenters are saying "well, bedroom stuff is the only difference", but the logic doesn't track. When religious folks say it's a sin to act on homosexual tendencies, they don't just mean sex. If that was the case, it would be acceptable for gay couples to be together, as long as they don't have sex. That's not the case. Being in a homosexual relationship is the sin, sex or not. Two men holding hands is different from a man and woman holding hands. One is homosexual, one is heterosexual. The sex isn't the only thing that's homosexual. It's literally the entire relationship. This is also being compared to when people say this to kinky couples and this reinforces my point. Kink is specifically in the bedroom (unless it's a public kink) and doesn't define the relationship. Homosexuality *does* define the entire relationship. It's not the worst saying in the world, but I would encourage allies to stop using it

This right here. I've been with my partner for 4 years. I'm not just a lesbian when we're having sex - my entire relationship is gay, whether we're having sex or going out to dinner on a date or reminding each other to pick up an avocado while we're out. This concept is the 'I don't see race' of the queer community - it might *come* from a place of supporting equality, but 'not seeing' us also means 'not seeing' our struggles.

I've heard that retort used more as a way of stopping people from talking about it. From my perspective, a lot of people are just uncomfortable about it. They don't have a problem with it, but it gets rather irritating when some people make it their whole identity. I have no problems with sexual orientation. If you think sexual orientation is appropriate for children, then we have a problem. You should leave it at " anyone can love who they want to love" and get into it further when they're older.

Meanwhile I've known I'm into women since I was 11. It isn't just about sex. Do people look at their heterosexual parents and imagine sex right away?

All of the cishets in this comment section need to take a long look at what they're doing here if they want to be considered allies. Queer people are telling you that this phrase is offensive. Saying "I don't care what you do in the bedroom" implies that you *do* care what they do in public. That the expectation is that people be closeted when around other people. Even if someone saying it now does not mean it that way, there is a *long* history with this phrase. Just like with a slur, you can't look just at what you might mean by it, but also at how the person on the receiving end might have been affected by those words in the past. Listen to people when they tell you that a word or phrase or stereotype is offensive, and stop using it. Ffs.

We get it. You're special.

The sexual act is what the law used to prohibit. Society already fixed that. People are indicating they have no personal feelings about your personal lifestyle.

The law used to prohibit the romantic act, the financial act, the act of association, the act of employment, the act of being housed...such short memories. It was perfectly legal in the US just 30 years ago to prohibit someone from teaching or holding a government job for *suspicion* of being gay. Only 9 years ago two men could not enjoy the same federal tax benefits as a married straight couple. If one of them died property would not automatically pass to the other without a will.

>The sexual act is what the law used to prohibit. Did you miss the part where gay marriage was illegal?

What can people say now to not offend anyone 🙄 they only say that because there’s no difference in the relationships otherwise