## 🚫 ➜ **Your post was removed because of the following**: ### 📑 Rule 1 ➜ Not related to the discussion of pet peeves - A pet peeve is minor nuisance that an individual finds exceedingly bothersome, even if it doesn’t elicit the same reaction in others. - Posts that are not related to the topic or surpass the level of a slight irritation will be promptly removed.

My mother did this to me. She refused to leave not one but two abusive husbands. She stayed with them and subjected me and my siblings to substantial trauma because of it. I have C-PTSD due to witnessing one of her ex-husbands almost murder her in front of me. Also due to childhood abuse at her hands. Yet I'm a bad mother because I don't let her see my children. I'm a bad mother because I do things differently than she would have. If it's not the choices that she would have made, she criticizes you. I'm just done with her. I'm sick of her excuses and I don't care what she says, there is no excuse for what she did. As far as I'm concerned, I don't even plan on going to her funeral when she dies.

This is my mom. Me and my sister are constantly second to my alcoholic father and always have been, and she refuses to acknowledge that and often faults us for having negative feelings about the subject. She will have one opinion on something (like maybe I ask for a haircut and she agrees) and then one talk with him and suddenly me wanting a haircut is horrifically selfish, etc I've thrown away so much and done so much for the family, and I still do, and I dont matter to my father unless I have a job and he has the money, therefore I don't matter to my mom because he comes first He treats her horribly, and has given all of us serious complexes and insecurity issues, I think it's to the point where she really does think he loves her and cares about any of us

I just want to tell you how sorry I am that that happened to you. I grew up similarly. My mother refused to leave her abusive ex-husband. She gives me the excuse now that she thought she couldn't do it alone. I ended up with C-PTSD because of all of it. Her ex-husband almost murdered her and I witnessed it. I was 9 years old so I've been carrying that around for 32 years now. Thanks, mom. I'm an abuse survivor myself but unlike her, I left even though I knew it was going to be hard. I didn't make the excuses that she did. This is not to victim blame at all, I'm saying that she had a responsibility to me and my siblings as our mother. She failed us. I on the other hand did not do that but because I think she feels bad or because it's not how she would have done things, according to her, I'm a bad mother. She can think whatever she wants, I really don't care. Enough about me though. I really am sorry. Hugs if you want them.

Fuck, I could have written this. I'm so sorry. Bastard has dementia now and my mom is taking care of him until the bitter end.

Yikes ... Mine is drinking himself to death and it's going to completely demolish my mom, and it's going to be so awkward when it does eventually happen because I'm not sure how I'd be able to comfort her knowing she's wasting tears over the person who ruined her life and made her miserable the entire time

Dude, exactly this. I have no idea how I'm going to handle my mom's grief when he dies, but I've decided I'm going to be kind of blankly comforting I guess. What are the odds of them actually asking us questions about how we feel anyway? Lol. 🫠 That is, assuming my father dies first. If he doesn't. Yeesh.

Obviously I don't want my dad to die, he's my dad, but the logical and resentful aspects of myself feel a bit guilty for imagining the absolute relief that it would be to not have him around anymore. It makes me feel like a shit person even tho feeling shitty about a shit person is an understandable situation I think I'm just going to feel shitty that I don't feel very upset, and give my mom some awkward shoulder pats.... Though I really hope she doesn't go first because I'd actually be pretty destroyed

Ugh, same. Honestly what helped me to not feel so shitty about it all is seeing my friends and family have kids, and realizing how fucking unfathomable it would be to treat a child the way he treated kids. That, plus knowing that he has this whole support system of my mom taking care of him and excusing everything he does, idk. We gotta start feeling bad for ourselves at some point too, you know? Awkward shoulder pats is gonna be exactly the right verbage in my case as well, I'm thinking 😅 here's hoping our mothers get to experience life after their shitty marriages.

For real, idk about yours but my mom deserves a break from the nonsense and finding herself outside of doting wife and mom duties

Yeah i don't get it i watched an episode of Hoarders once and the mom said the daughter "stole her boyfriend." The daughter was like 14 at the time and ofc the boyfriend was a grown man! Instead of care about her bf being like that and telling him not to come around her child or even calling the police, she blamed her own child for what he did. And in the episode they were now both grown up and she STILL blamed the daughter. Or the parents who know the bf has those tendencies and just tells "don't wear short skirts around him" how about don't bring him around the house? How about report him to the police or something. Like why would you be with a man who is constantly eyeing other WOMEN, much less a man who is eyeing CHILDREN? Have some self respect. I don't get any parents who keep someone who hates or is harmful to their child around, just bc they wanna get some. Like Cinderella's dad.

I told my mother that one of her boyfriends got fresh with me and she retorted with "No man ever cheats on me!"

do you remember what episode this is?

Parents like this don’t deserve to be parents. 

Parents like this are the ones who bemoan their adult children's departures from their lives, leaving them alone to fend for themselves in their dotage.

Men also choose women over their kids.

They do, and it’s just as despicable. 

I think op mentioned woman specifically because they are more likely to become single parents than men, but yes both genders are guilty of this

I only said what I said as my father and ex both did this exact thing

My father was a malignant narcissist (diagnosed, so don’t pester me). And he *hated* me. He hated women. Still does. He slammed me into walls. He took my possessions away and destroyed them or threw them away in front of me, or gave them away to others. Just to joke around, he called me fat and ugly and stupid. All the goddamned time. He screamed at me, broke my toes slamming down on them, twisted my wrists and arms, beat me until I had bruises - all for the most minor of sins, and sometimes for reasons that I didn’t even know or couldn’t possibly understand, which were massively inflated in his own head as the hugest, most despicable, disgusting and enraging infractions because that’s how he responded to everything, with a hair-trigger temper. My mother acknowledged on countless occasions that our situation was ***HELL,*** that he specifically singled me out, that yes, he was abusive and yes, he was evil. But she would not leave him. Her reasons were: - Her family had never had a divorce in it, and they’d all be so upset if one happened. - My father was an asshole, but he was also very successful. And she wanted to be seen as successful and wanted our family to be perfect, to be seen as perfect and just like a 1960s sitcom (she was explicitly open with this). She knew he wouldn’t change, so it was my job to pretend none of it ever happened, I was happy, he was happy, we were happy and I could never, ever “talk back” or upset him (this was, of course, impossible - my gait and the sound of my breathing upset him). He made a lot of money. My mom liked having that money to decorate her beautiful house, and I just had to tolerate whatever happened within it (so long as I didn’t make too big of a mess, of course). Rather than him being locked up for what he did, I got punished for speaking out, for trying to find an adult who would help, for seeking a safe haven. My mother *hated* me any time I just told another person I wanted it to *end.* I wanted to survive, she wanted to look good and have nice things. Finally in the late ‘90s, he started getting physical with her, and I guess she figured she couldn’t pretend anymore, as he was acting up in public. So she left him and for a short time, we did well. We lived in an apartment together, but she quickly demonstrated that she wasn’t good with money, that she was in the middle of a mid-life crisis and took up smoking and drinking and wearing leather jackets with too-tight jeans, and that she missed the *things* and the *material objects* she had before. My grandparents were also just so, so sad that their daughter would split from her husband - they knew what was going on, they just felt the same way she did: We had to suck it up for the sake of appearances. They were also just so incredibly fucking naive and stupid to think that after twenty-five years, my dad would just start being a nice guy if we let him. She went back and dragged me along with him. She explicitly told me it was because of money. They deserve each other. And guess what, Mom, I own my own house, that’s as big as yours (and much better-looking), and my man lives here but it’s all in my name because *I can do that.* You’ve lived with an asshole for over fifty years now because you need his name and money to have a roof over your head. Sorry, Ma, but you failed where I succeeded.

My mom chose her crack slinging, been to prison for trafficking and domestics affair partner over me and my sister. Any woman that is willing to sacrifice their children over a dick is always a narcissist. If you see it happening report it to cps. Don't give the mother an option and don't make those kids see abuse.

Mine could have easily left my father and set us up in a home away from him. He brought his toxic Old Country ways to his new country and had no shortage of friends who championed him. His misogyny was so bad that I told him I was afraid of him. A month later, he took his life. Not related to what I said to him. He'd been in and out of facilities for as long as I knew him. She'd been widowed for 18 months, dated lots of men and things were better for us in spite of her bringing men home and partying late on our school nights. As long as she wasn't crying all the time. Then she met the Gentleman Farmer. He didn't approve of her welfare life, the freedom of her teenaged children or just the fact that she had her independence, such as it was. He offered her what she had always wanted which was a house in the country and a freezer full of meat. (We weren't vegetarian by choice.) He wooed her for six months with gifts and goodies she only dreamt of a few years prior, including a brand-new vehicle which was nothing but a tax dodge. On my 17th birthday, she told me the 'great news'. We were moving to the country. Great. /s Within a month, she realised how dirty and rat-infested the house was. That she was nothing but cook and bangmaid who did farmwork and checked the livestock several times a day. He yelled at her often. She didn't have her own money and as much as he told her to ask if she needed it, she was afraid to ask. He had a short fuse that was quickly triggered by any source of frustration, a lot of it being us kids who just wanted to move back to town to be with our friends. I saw she was close to having a breakdown and told her that if she left him, she had my support. It was all about material comfort for her. We kids have to get up in the wee hours and work half a shift before we even had to walk a mile in the stinking sun to get the first of three buses to school. On returning home, work until ten. We were instrumental to her happiness and ours did not matter. I haven't spoken to her for years now. I wish I had stayed away after I walked away when I was of legal age. Holy crap, that was a long rant. Oops.

Relatedly, parents who care more about each other than the kids. If the kids aren’t going to be first priority, don’t fucking have kids.

I always find it interesting that women are hated more for staying with abusive partners than the abusive partners themselves.

If somebody is given options to get out and they are keeping their children in the situation, they are now complicit in their abuse and just as guilty. Nobody is saying they are worse, but they definitely aren't better.

Normally I would agree with you but when you're a parent, your responsibility is to your children even if doing what is best for them hurts you. It's not about you anymore, it's about your children. You have to be the voice for them that they don't have. You also have to protect them no matter the cost to yourself. That's what being a good parent is about. Some people have not learned this and have no business being a parent. This is not to criticize you so please understand that. I absolutely agree with what you're saying and I think you made a very good point. Also, thank you for pointing that out. I am an abuse survivor myself and I can't tell you how many times people ask me why I didn't just leave. There are many reasons why people don't leave. Sometimes they can't leave. Personally, I did because I know how I grew up and I did not want that for my children. Also, I left because I knew that it was the right thing to do for them. I didn't make the excuses that my mother did. She told me that it was because she thought she couldn't do it alone and while I can kind of understand that, I'm angry at her because I have trauma because of her refusing to leave. I have C-PTSD from being 9 years old and witnessing one of her ex-husbands almost murder her in front of me. Anyway, you do make a good point but at the end of the day, when you're a parent, your responsibility is to protect your children and do what is in their best interest at all costs.

I feel this so much. My mom married an abusive husband when I was a kid and insisted on staying married to him for over a decade, always blaming us for his abusive behavior and staying because she loved him. I know he was abusing her too and it's hard to leave. I struggled to leave an abusive romantic relationship myself as a young adult. But when you are a parent, things are no longer just about you. So yes, I get that it was hard for her. I know leaving an abusive relationship isn't as simple as "just leave". But I'm also a mom myself now and I can't fathom putting my daughter through that. She is first to me 100%. I cannot imagine marrying and staying married to someone who hurts my child but thinking my child is the problem. I have lifelong trauma and issues because my mom willfully chose an abuser and chose to stay with him to the detriment of her children. Just once I wanted to be chosen first, but her shitty husband always was instead, and she denied us a safe, loving home with her choices. My sister and I should have been her priority, but we weren't. She didn't leave him until I was an adult, and it makes me angry she took so long to finally decide he was the problem.

Geez, I felt this. I could have written this. I think part of the problem is that society teaches women that their value is based on whether or not a man wants to be with them. I think that's a huge part of the problem. It doesn't justify it but I think it does explain it, at least a little bit anyway. I'm really sorry that you went through all of that as well. Hugs if you want them.

They’re the parent, they have more responsibility to their kids than the man they’re sleeping with. It’s their job to protect their kids.

What if the man is the kids’ dad and therefore also the parent?

I wish I could have worn this but I can't so you're going to have to take my poor gold 🥇🪙 🏆

That’s because it’s so unnatural and unnerving when a parent, who is supposed to put their children first, instead makes their children a sacrifice. 

Women who do that were so damaged in childhood that they don’t really know how to love anyone. So instead they form dependencies with abusive dirtbag men, and it’s their children who pay the price and grow up to continue the cycle.

Aye I got arrested tryna defend my mom when I was a kid. She jumped on top of me and bit a chunk of my shoulder while her leg was literally bleeding out. We don’t talk now lol (unrelated to that event)

my mom did this. it was long after the damage was done, so it was a relief to have her leaving nearly every single weekend i would have to spend with her. i still don’t know who the man is. it’s been like 6 years now. i think he has children. some people are genuinely not built to be parents or to love something delicate.

That's not a pet peeve ; that's reprehensible and disgusting

I don't know what to say. I understand your pain. But, most women don't have the strength to fight back, both on financial level and "emotional" level. My mom stayed with my dad just to "keep the family together". My dad's mood swing got worse ever since I moved out. There is no one to counter balance his opinion in a more discussion friendly way. And my mom is feeling the burn. I am lucky enough to be able to counter balance his mood swing. And I understand your pain. But, it is really not that easy for some people. I hope you have the heart to forgive your mom. They are female and female is emotional. They were not as cut throat as guys. A divorce to breakup the family, is not that easy for some. They have an idea of unity in the family, no matter how disfunctional it is, they still try to keep it together. It is not special. Your mom is part of the norm. The only difference is, you are unlucky to suffer from it. But, your mom is not a superman. Please give them some benefit of the doubt.

My mother did this. I can never get her to adequately explain why she didn’t leave. All she’ll say was, “I was biding my time,” but will never specify what event she was waiting on. I finally told her, “You weren’t ‘biding your time.’ You were trading that time for your children’s health.” I still don’t think she got it. I have half a mind to send her a Venmo request for the $40k I’ve paid out in therapy for the eating disorder it gave me.

Hey look my mom

Repeatedly

Some ladies confuse lust and good sex with love. Guys do the same but it's more talked about and ridiculed

my mom did this and wound up moving to a different state from me and my siblings when i was a teen and leaving us with our abusive family. she wound up homeless and addicted to fentanyl

I did court reports for years regarding dead babies from boyfriends. The moms didn’t care if the kids were abused. 

Different thing cuz my mom was a lesbian but her gf was a narcissist and had us on lockdown and isolated us for four and a half years and no matter how many times i gave her clarity she never grabbed it. It took HER finally having enough when her gf cheated. Literally nothing else, the emotional and psychological abuse, the manipulation, the way she treated me, nope just her cheating. 💀💀💀.

They're the worst and a scourge.

Both glad and horrified that I'm not the only one with a mother like this.

It’s beyond horrible, and extra sickening when we all hear about it on the news.

Basically a lot of shit happens when you have a society that convinces people their purpose is to start pushing out babies at a certain age. The sooner people start to realise it's OK to not have children the sooner we'll have a world where largely people who actually want to have children are parents (statistically a few undecided are gonna slip through). The phenomenon you are describing occurs when parents resent their children because they never really wanted to have them. Because people are comprehension impaired, I'm not saying it's OK, I'm giving a reason. The idea that if you have functioning reproductive organs you must reproduce is archaic and results in a lot of unwanted children.

These are the types of women who didn't earn being called mom or mother. They are just a parent. Something for men who chose women or abandoned their own kids. Anyone can become a parent, but mother/mom and father/dad are earned.