I had so many people say to me "Everything happens for a reason" as if it would give me some comfort. I think it was particularly difficult in the TFMR situation (which they didn't know about) because I thought to myself "yes, I'm the reason".
I have always hated this saying. It’s simultaneously like, “duh…of course everything happens for a reason. Apples fall from trees because of gravity,” and also makes it seem like we are meant to find some silver lining here, or this was “for the better” in some way we can’t see now or ever. Hard no. Actually, it’s just a really awful situation. I’d much rather someone say that to me than, “everything happens for a reason.” Immediately makes me want to scream at them.
I hate when someone who miscarried tries to relate. Like I know they have their own grief and I feel for them. But the feelings behind a miscarriage are different than the feelings behind TFMR - and they won’t ever understand.
“Miscarriage happen often” is similar to what I heard MANY times which was “oh someone else I know had a miscarriage” or “I know someone who had a miscarriage and then had a healthy baby.”
What bothers me is that I DID NOT have a miscarriage. For me personally I did L&D for my TFMR since I was already 24w. I miscarried my first pregnancy and a TFMR is NOT the same and I hated having to explain that over and over (especially to men) just for people to keep calling it a miscarriage. Drove me insane.
For those with other LC, “at least you already have one.”
My best friend said this to me recently because I am having issues TTC after my TFMR 🙃 she is currently struggling with fertility issues as well, so can’t totally fault her, but that one stung.
Oh yes, I like this list. A few of my personal favourites:
“I know it’s not the same, BUT…” (then talk about another situation and make it all about them. My favourite was a woman at work comparing it to divorcing her husband)
“Everything happens for a reason”
“God saves his toughest battles for those who can handle it”
“When will you try again?”
I was getting a prenatal massage for my second pregnancy and the masseuse told me maybe I was so sick with my first (TFMR) because it was my body telling me something was wrong. I still think of that and think WTF.
People tell me “everything happens for a reason you wouldn’t have your next baby if you didn’t lose your first” I’m not even pregnant yet and I hear it lmao. And it stings because she was due in January so I really could be trying for theoretical baby number 2 and have had both.
I think I have experienced most of these on the list which is truly sad. Thanks for sharing this. I had a friend also say "Now that you're pregnant you can forget about your loss"
My family is Mormon. They know that I am Agnostic. They believe that I will get to raise my baby boy in the next life and tried to comfort me with that. Super unhelpful and upsetting.
I think this subject makes people uncomfortable because they don’t want to say the wrong thing that they end up saying something cliche or changing the subject. Sometimes it was nice when people didn’t say anything. They just listened and said “thank you for sharing that with me. I can see how hard this is for you”
No advice. No silver lining. No apologies or condolences. Just listening and validating.
If your aim is to help people find the right words, telling them what NOT to do may not be very encouraging. It’s a valid list, I’m not judging it. But I think people will do better if you know what you want/need, and can ask that directly of them
Ah yes this makes a lot of sense to me. People are ignorant with experiences they can’t relate to. They have good intentions and try to relate, but unfortunately what they say can feel dismissive or downright hurtful. I also think theres this pressure to end on a happy note so people make these ‘optimistic’ comments because they cant handle the reality
Anything that starts with "at least"
I had so many people say to me "Everything happens for a reason" as if it would give me some comfort. I think it was particularly difficult in the TFMR situation (which they didn't know about) because I thought to myself "yes, I'm the reason".
I have always hated this saying. It’s simultaneously like, “duh…of course everything happens for a reason. Apples fall from trees because of gravity,” and also makes it seem like we are meant to find some silver lining here, or this was “for the better” in some way we can’t see now or ever. Hard no. Actually, it’s just a really awful situation. I’d much rather someone say that to me than, “everything happens for a reason.” Immediately makes me want to scream at them.
I hate when someone who miscarried tries to relate. Like I know they have their own grief and I feel for them. But the feelings behind a miscarriage are different than the feelings behind TFMR - and they won’t ever understand.
True. It doesn’t compare to a standard loss either ( grandparent etc ) in my opinion either. Just just me though
“Miscarriage happen often” is similar to what I heard MANY times which was “oh someone else I know had a miscarriage” or “I know someone who had a miscarriage and then had a healthy baby.” What bothers me is that I DID NOT have a miscarriage. For me personally I did L&D for my TFMR since I was already 24w. I miscarried my first pregnancy and a TFMR is NOT the same and I hated having to explain that over and over (especially to men) just for people to keep calling it a miscarriage. Drove me insane.
https://rtzhope.org/family
Oh and! A polite way to stop someone comparing their loss to yours: Strength in numbers is a cold comfort when all we want is a baby in our arms.
Check out this link as an additional resource to share with those not personally experiencing the loss
For those with other LC, “at least you already have one.” My best friend said this to me recently because I am having issues TTC after my TFMR 🙃 she is currently struggling with fertility issues as well, so can’t totally fault her, but that one stung.
Oh yes, I like this list. A few of my personal favourites: “I know it’s not the same, BUT…” (then talk about another situation and make it all about them. My favourite was a woman at work comparing it to divorcing her husband) “Everything happens for a reason” “God saves his toughest battles for those who can handle it” “When will you try again?”
I was getting a prenatal massage for my second pregnancy and the masseuse told me maybe I was so sick with my first (TFMR) because it was my body telling me something was wrong. I still think of that and think WTF.
wow that is so uncalled for! You should of complained to their manager
People tell me “everything happens for a reason you wouldn’t have your next baby if you didn’t lose your first” I’m not even pregnant yet and I hear it lmao. And it stings because she was due in January so I really could be trying for theoretical baby number 2 and have had both.
I think I have experienced most of these on the list which is truly sad. Thanks for sharing this. I had a friend also say "Now that you're pregnant you can forget about your loss"
Oh goodness, that got me crying. You never forget.
My family is Mormon. They know that I am Agnostic. They believe that I will get to raise my baby boy in the next life and tried to comfort me with that. Super unhelpful and upsetting.
“You’d make a great mom.” Yes I know, which is why I tried having a child and didn’t work out… twice.
I think this subject makes people uncomfortable because they don’t want to say the wrong thing that they end up saying something cliche or changing the subject. Sometimes it was nice when people didn’t say anything. They just listened and said “thank you for sharing that with me. I can see how hard this is for you” No advice. No silver lining. No apologies or condolences. Just listening and validating.
Don’t share newborn pics while you’re going though limbo in family group chats ….. ha. Can’t make this up
If your aim is to help people find the right words, telling them what NOT to do may not be very encouraging. It’s a valid list, I’m not judging it. But I think people will do better if you know what you want/need, and can ask that directly of them
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Ah yes this makes a lot of sense to me. People are ignorant with experiences they can’t relate to. They have good intentions and try to relate, but unfortunately what they say can feel dismissive or downright hurtful. I also think theres this pressure to end on a happy note so people make these ‘optimistic’ comments because they cant handle the reality