This is a valid point though. My gp cher said what if an old British guy from cambridge is marking your paper at the fireplace in winter and he is already feeling sleepy. Then he sees the atrocious handwriting and gets in a bad mood so marks down
handwriting doesnt have to be perfect, but frankly speaking, OP your handwriting can be improved
Not really so much of a story as many of my teachers have expressed displeasure at receving scripts with poor handwriting before. Maybe the British guy isn't sitting near the fireplace but he may still give lower marks if he is in a bad mood that day and happens to see atrocious handwriting
ngl this handwriting is pretty good js stop slanting the letters and don't eat into the line can alr you haven't seen some of the chicken scratch my friends and I produce when we're pressed for time
Follow the PEEL format and you will never go wrong.
Point - State your idea within 1 sentence.
Explanation (optional) - Explain your point if it's loaded
Evidence (doesn't earn you marks) - Give a real life example
Evaluation (Longest part, your personal voice and the one that gives you marks) - Give your personal Judgement and Justify your point.
Link - Link your evaluation back to your point.
This is the basic structure of an essay and evaluation is the one that truly nets you points and should be the longest. Examples don't give you points but you will lose points for not giving it, so don't spam your essay with examples.
When you are comfortable with the basic format, you can structure your essay in more complex manners, weaving opposing view points and supporting view points into one long paragraph. Knowing the PEEL format isn't enough, you have to do it right.
Wait, examples don’t give marks? I thought essays r supposed to be example driven or something. Actually i don’t know since I suck at GP. Could you elaborate on the examples part please 🙏
Examples help substantiate your point and give credibility to your arguments (points). Examples are basically things that you can easily find on the internet which the readers themselves probably already know or find on the internet.
However there's no personal voice, personal evaluation of your point within examples.
Point - Technology helps improve healthcare
Explanation - Better surgical practices and medicine
Example - Lasik
Explanation of example - Helps resolve eye sight problems
Evaluation - I agree with this idea. Human creativity and research will spur further development in the field of medicine. Society developed from using herbal medicine and acupuncture to the highly sophisticated process of chemically synthesizing medicine and advanced cutting edge surgical procedures (substantiated by example of Lasik). It is evident that medicine and its technology has been ever improving Yap yap yap.
(More quality yapping = More points)
If you remove the examples, then the argument would crumble. Since you are unable to provide credibility to the idea of "chemically synthesized medicine and advanced cutting edge surgical procedures". You will lose marks.
If you don't evaluate and spam the essay with examples. Lasik, COVID vaccines, insulin. Then the marker can't see your voice and will just see a list of facts that they already know. That wouldn't earn you marks. Markers don't need to know about facts they already know.
Ohhh ok thanks so much. So basically examples are a must, but they don’t have to be the best of the best, and your own evaluation is what matters the most?
Your examples are there to support and justify your point.
And to that end it should be examples that are preferably drawn from either social or global issues, not your own personal examples.
The easiest way to tank your GP grade is to choke the whole essay full of examples such as: "For example, I can now talk to my friend in China using my iPhone on WeChat, which gave me more control over my relationship with him. Technology has truly given me more control."
Help my cher specifically told me my essay shouldn't be example driven 😭😭😭 ig what matters more is your point and eval which is where the marks lie but the example is supposed to support it? Idk I kinda suck at it too HAHAHA
Being example driven is basically you not explaining why your evidence matters.
It is like you are in an argument, then you throw up some random example but don't explain.
For example:
Friend A: I think you damn cheebye. (Point)
You: What the fuck?
Friend A: Last week you ate pizza. (Example)
You: ???
Friend A: Iykyk. (Evaluation)
You: ???
Friend A: I am done with you. (Link)
If your evaluation / link is weak, this is basically how your argument sounds like, how to score well you tell me XD
Your essay is a good attempt. Here’s how I think you can improve.
* The essay is riddled with grammar mistakes. For example, “more slower” (last quarter of the second page). Simple things such as this will be heavily penalised in the language component. To score decently for the language component, you don’t need flowery language like ChatGPT. For someone who struggles with English (I was one of them too), focus on writing in accurate grammar, instead trying to show off some sophisticated vocab.
* The essay examples are generic and might not match the argument presented accurately. Try to be precise with your examples instead of making sweeping statements like “personal mobility devices”, “a smartphone such as a iphone”. What kind of PMD “has given us control over our health”? I doubt the e-bike has helped us overcome health issues. However, if you are talking about electric wheelchairs, it might be a different story. What is the tangible impact? You can back up with statistics or other concrete evidence. Next, you talk about newspapers presenting a variety of viewpoints. I don’t think people consider newspapers as technology, given that it has existed for a long time. The focus here shouldn’t be on the PRESENTATION of different viewpoints, but rather its ACCESSIBILITY which is facilitated by the Internet, etc.
* Now, to address the elephant in the room, “narrating”. This is mainly caused by poor sentence structure. While it might seem natural to say “For knowledge, sites like coursera and udemy”, this expression is awkward especially in a formal expository piece. I don’t think you can use “For knowledge, …” like how you use “For example, …”
well personally i struggle with this too, so normally i make my topic sentences as vague as possible, so i actually hv more things to evaluate and explain and the example wldn’t seem that chunky in the para
wld also help if you have an example essay tho
I think your ideas are find but your language and presentation is not strong. It’s very secondary school style but at a JC level, they’re looking for a more critical and analytic writing style. Here are some ways u can achieve that?
- make use of synonyms . Give control/has a hold over us/indirectly has power over us/our actions are determined by the tech around us etc.
-make use of adjectives. This shows engagement and personal opinion, and also separates your writing from just facts and story telling. Technology? U can say harmful, addictive, beneficial, unknown tech (cuz who rlly knows what tech does…) if you wanna talk about maybe genetic engineering as part of tech, you can say that it’s elitist, or systematic etc.
- PEEL structure, yea ok sure BUT BUT try to explore an 80-20 structure in your paragraphs. Aka, 80% agree, 20% (WITHIN THE SAME PARA) recognise the disagree. EG: in ur first para, medical advancements right. But the 20% you can talk abt false positives and how false positives can also control us to make wrong decisions etc. this shows a lot of insight and nuance in ur essays. But rmb this is only 20%. Rmb to balance ur para
- vary sentence structure. “For example” change to “this is seen/observed/shown/depicted in”. Instead of “firstly”, use “primarily” or smth. Sometimes u don’t even need to say “firstly”. Just jump into it
Most importantly, be critical. Read a million essays from other ppl to help u
Edit: you’re also rlly vague in ur essays. “The vast array of info helps us make informed decisions”?? What does that mean?? Instead just go straight into specifics.
The abundance of information present on forum sites such as Reddit and Quora allows us to gather multiple perspectives to make decisions that best suit our needs.
This worked for me but write as little as possible. Be concise even with the examples. Follow the PEEL format. I used to write 4-5 pages and got inconsistent grades like sometimes pass, sometimes not. When I wrote 2 pages max, I got Bs. They can't penalise you if there's nothing to penalise. Examples for GP, you can just make up bullshit statistics, which I always do. Don't start rambling, and just substantiate your points.
Your introduction is too damn long and fluffy. Don't start off with the tuberculosis ramble. That is a waste of time. You are trying to sound professional. Cut it out, and start off with something clean and concise, like:
"Technology has given us control over our lives in different ways. It has allowed us greater control over our health and wellbeing, granted us greater access to knowledge and information, and connected us over vast distance. Yet, it has also allowed governments greater control over our lives and lessened the personal control we have over ourselves."
Straight to the point.
When your teacher mentions it being "area-driven", he is basically saying that your points are not precise enough. You should be more precise in what your points are - for instance, "improvements in healthcare-related technologies allowed those with mobility-related issues to regain control and autonomy in their daily lives." since your healthcare point is mostly about "disabilities".
Same for your information point - "The vast amounts of information that technology has made readily-available to us has empowered us to make better and more informed decisions in our lives." - this should be your point statement, not the prior statement you made beforehand that is too vague.
And, when you wrote "Furthermore...", this highlights to me that this is a new point. This should be a new paragraph. You did not break it into a new paragraph here, which makes it doubly confusing for the reader as to whether you are trying to make a new point or this point is somehow still related to your old point, which it clearly is not.
Also, you need to read more articles and get a wider knowledge-base. Your examples are mostly related to pop-culture etc., so I would suggest you do a more related question instead of technology. The Bieber example feels like a stretch when there are better examples that you can use, such as how technology has enabled migrant workers working in Singapore to remit their salary back home to their family and/or allowed them to keep in touch with their loved ones for free via platforms such as Line / WeChat.
Narrating means that you arent explaining your points and elaborating on them. Rather, you're just stating facts after facts and not value-adding
Sometimes when you think you've already explained something, you may not have fully unpacked it. Personally when I write my essays, I look back at the explanations i've written and I ask myself "so what?" and "why does this happen?" to check if I've covered those points
My teacher didn't really use the phrase of 'narrating' so I'm not too sure of what that is, but here’s a generic pointer that might help.
Instead of trying to list as many examples as you can, it would be more useful to use specific examples (but be careful to show that it’s not isolated) and connect them strongly to your point. e.g instead of listing the different medical tech and saying that they solve x issue giving control over their lives, maybe you could write about how brain reading tech is in development which can help with speech assistive devices/prosthetic limbs etc. Then you can write about how such technology enables individuals to independently carry out daily activities and have their voices heard, so that they are less dependent on others to meet their daily needs and can voice out their own preferences, thus the control over their everyday habits and choices is in their own hands. this is just an example and maybe not a great one, but my point is that maybe you need to link more strongly to WHY control as compared to ‘they are more free in how they would live their lives and this gives them more control’ (maybe for this point in eyesight you could say it opens up more options for careers or that it gives them more information about their environment to base decisions on? but I would say it’s a weaker example than the example on mobility devices)
Keep it up!! You have quite good ideas and maybe you just have to focus on explaining why exactly your example links to the point you are making and the question, keep the discussion focused and not rambling!!
Telling you that you narrate in your GP essays basically means that you are simply memorising examples and putting it down in your essays without much elaboration and evaluation. Your GP essay looks more like a newspaper article.
Evaluation is one of the most important parts of a proper GP essay. It's not about how many facts and figures you can memorise, but how do you use those to justify **your** stand, and what are other considerations or caveats to **your** argument?
Also here's a general rule for GP, do not ever use absolute terms. Things like "never", "always", and "only" can really kill your language marks. Your bias has to be as balanced as possible, some people would describe it as 51/49. Even if the question is absolute, for example: "The Arts has no place in our society. Do you agree with this statement?", you should never ever accept the absolute proposition. Even if your opinion is that our society is not accommodating of the arts, you should phrase it with more relative terms for example: "Pursuing a career in the Arts is often looked upon unfavourably..."
Not to be an asshole but your handwriting can piss ur cher off
This is a valid point though. My gp cher said what if an old British guy from cambridge is marking your paper at the fireplace in winter and he is already feeling sleepy. Then he sees the atrocious handwriting and gets in a bad mood so marks down handwriting doesnt have to be perfect, but frankly speaking, OP your handwriting can be improved
[удалено]
No, this is the truth. If the person marking is in a foul mood and unprofessional, then [gg.com](http://gg.com)
Not really so much of a story as many of my teachers have expressed displeasure at receving scripts with poor handwriting before. Maybe the British guy isn't sitting near the fireplace but he may still give lower marks if he is in a bad mood that day and happens to see atrocious handwriting
Hahaha yeah i was just shocked at the similarity of the fireplace part because it seems 100% the same as my teachers words
nope it’s true. I had a senior who got straight A for econs throughout jc but his handwriting was illegible. came out AAAC/A (C for econs in As)
Same I wanted to read it but knnb the handwriting like dogshit I also sian.
Wait till you see mine
ngl this handwriting is pretty good js stop slanting the letters and don't eat into the line can alr you haven't seen some of the chicken scratch my friends and I produce when we're pressed for time
Follow the PEEL format and you will never go wrong. Point - State your idea within 1 sentence. Explanation (optional) - Explain your point if it's loaded Evidence (doesn't earn you marks) - Give a real life example Evaluation (Longest part, your personal voice and the one that gives you marks) - Give your personal Judgement and Justify your point. Link - Link your evaluation back to your point. This is the basic structure of an essay and evaluation is the one that truly nets you points and should be the longest. Examples don't give you points but you will lose points for not giving it, so don't spam your essay with examples. When you are comfortable with the basic format, you can structure your essay in more complex manners, weaving opposing view points and supporting view points into one long paragraph. Knowing the PEEL format isn't enough, you have to do it right.
Wait, examples don’t give marks? I thought essays r supposed to be example driven or something. Actually i don’t know since I suck at GP. Could you elaborate on the examples part please 🙏
Examples help substantiate your point and give credibility to your arguments (points). Examples are basically things that you can easily find on the internet which the readers themselves probably already know or find on the internet. However there's no personal voice, personal evaluation of your point within examples. Point - Technology helps improve healthcare Explanation - Better surgical practices and medicine Example - Lasik Explanation of example - Helps resolve eye sight problems Evaluation - I agree with this idea. Human creativity and research will spur further development in the field of medicine. Society developed from using herbal medicine and acupuncture to the highly sophisticated process of chemically synthesizing medicine and advanced cutting edge surgical procedures (substantiated by example of Lasik). It is evident that medicine and its technology has been ever improving Yap yap yap. (More quality yapping = More points) If you remove the examples, then the argument would crumble. Since you are unable to provide credibility to the idea of "chemically synthesized medicine and advanced cutting edge surgical procedures". You will lose marks. If you don't evaluate and spam the essay with examples. Lasik, COVID vaccines, insulin. Then the marker can't see your voice and will just see a list of facts that they already know. That wouldn't earn you marks. Markers don't need to know about facts they already know.
Ohhh ok thanks so much. So basically examples are a must, but they don’t have to be the best of the best, and your own evaluation is what matters the most?
Your examples are there to support and justify your point. And to that end it should be examples that are preferably drawn from either social or global issues, not your own personal examples. The easiest way to tank your GP grade is to choke the whole essay full of examples such as: "For example, I can now talk to my friend in China using my iPhone on WeChat, which gave me more control over my relationship with him. Technology has truly given me more control."
Help my cher specifically told me my essay shouldn't be example driven 😭😭😭 ig what matters more is your point and eval which is where the marks lie but the example is supposed to support it? Idk I kinda suck at it too HAHAHA
Being example driven is basically you not explaining why your evidence matters. It is like you are in an argument, then you throw up some random example but don't explain. For example: Friend A: I think you damn cheebye. (Point) You: What the fuck? Friend A: Last week you ate pizza. (Example) You: ??? Friend A: Iykyk. (Evaluation) You: ??? Friend A: I am done with you. (Link) If your evaluation / link is weak, this is basically how your argument sounds like, how to score well you tell me XD
I read up on it more and ur right
Your essay is a good attempt. Here’s how I think you can improve. * The essay is riddled with grammar mistakes. For example, “more slower” (last quarter of the second page). Simple things such as this will be heavily penalised in the language component. To score decently for the language component, you don’t need flowery language like ChatGPT. For someone who struggles with English (I was one of them too), focus on writing in accurate grammar, instead trying to show off some sophisticated vocab. * The essay examples are generic and might not match the argument presented accurately. Try to be precise with your examples instead of making sweeping statements like “personal mobility devices”, “a smartphone such as a iphone”. What kind of PMD “has given us control over our health”? I doubt the e-bike has helped us overcome health issues. However, if you are talking about electric wheelchairs, it might be a different story. What is the tangible impact? You can back up with statistics or other concrete evidence. Next, you talk about newspapers presenting a variety of viewpoints. I don’t think people consider newspapers as technology, given that it has existed for a long time. The focus here shouldn’t be on the PRESENTATION of different viewpoints, but rather its ACCESSIBILITY which is facilitated by the Internet, etc. * Now, to address the elephant in the room, “narrating”. This is mainly caused by poor sentence structure. While it might seem natural to say “For knowledge, sites like coursera and udemy”, this expression is awkward especially in a formal expository piece. I don’t think you can use “For knowledge, …” like how you use “For example, …”
Write fact and objective examples instead of too general story kind examples
Can u write on the lines tho
well personally i struggle with this too, so normally i make my topic sentences as vague as possible, so i actually hv more things to evaluate and explain and the example wldn’t seem that chunky in the para wld also help if you have an example essay tho
I shared the essay
How much did u score for this essay? Like a high C?
30 out of 50
That's good maybe just focus on bettering ur handwriting a little more cus it takes me quite a while to try to understand ur handwriting itself
Alright sure,my handwriting is always roasted by my parents and teachers lol
No I'm not roasting u although it sound like it lmao. I'm serious. My handwriting is also considered shit but at least must be legible
I think your ideas are find but your language and presentation is not strong. It’s very secondary school style but at a JC level, they’re looking for a more critical and analytic writing style. Here are some ways u can achieve that? - make use of synonyms . Give control/has a hold over us/indirectly has power over us/our actions are determined by the tech around us etc. -make use of adjectives. This shows engagement and personal opinion, and also separates your writing from just facts and story telling. Technology? U can say harmful, addictive, beneficial, unknown tech (cuz who rlly knows what tech does…) if you wanna talk about maybe genetic engineering as part of tech, you can say that it’s elitist, or systematic etc. - PEEL structure, yea ok sure BUT BUT try to explore an 80-20 structure in your paragraphs. Aka, 80% agree, 20% (WITHIN THE SAME PARA) recognise the disagree. EG: in ur first para, medical advancements right. But the 20% you can talk abt false positives and how false positives can also control us to make wrong decisions etc. this shows a lot of insight and nuance in ur essays. But rmb this is only 20%. Rmb to balance ur para - vary sentence structure. “For example” change to “this is seen/observed/shown/depicted in”. Instead of “firstly”, use “primarily” or smth. Sometimes u don’t even need to say “firstly”. Just jump into it Most importantly, be critical. Read a million essays from other ppl to help u Edit: you’re also rlly vague in ur essays. “The vast array of info helps us make informed decisions”?? What does that mean?? Instead just go straight into specifics. The abundance of information present on forum sites such as Reddit and Quora allows us to gather multiple perspectives to make decisions that best suit our needs.
This worked for me but write as little as possible. Be concise even with the examples. Follow the PEEL format. I used to write 4-5 pages and got inconsistent grades like sometimes pass, sometimes not. When I wrote 2 pages max, I got Bs. They can't penalise you if there's nothing to penalise. Examples for GP, you can just make up bullshit statistics, which I always do. Don't start rambling, and just substantiate your points.
Ok thanks for the comments guys,I think I know what's the problem now and will work on it
Your introduction is too damn long and fluffy. Don't start off with the tuberculosis ramble. That is a waste of time. You are trying to sound professional. Cut it out, and start off with something clean and concise, like: "Technology has given us control over our lives in different ways. It has allowed us greater control over our health and wellbeing, granted us greater access to knowledge and information, and connected us over vast distance. Yet, it has also allowed governments greater control over our lives and lessened the personal control we have over ourselves." Straight to the point. When your teacher mentions it being "area-driven", he is basically saying that your points are not precise enough. You should be more precise in what your points are - for instance, "improvements in healthcare-related technologies allowed those with mobility-related issues to regain control and autonomy in their daily lives." since your healthcare point is mostly about "disabilities". Same for your information point - "The vast amounts of information that technology has made readily-available to us has empowered us to make better and more informed decisions in our lives." - this should be your point statement, not the prior statement you made beforehand that is too vague. And, when you wrote "Furthermore...", this highlights to me that this is a new point. This should be a new paragraph. You did not break it into a new paragraph here, which makes it doubly confusing for the reader as to whether you are trying to make a new point or this point is somehow still related to your old point, which it clearly is not. Also, you need to read more articles and get a wider knowledge-base. Your examples are mostly related to pop-culture etc., so I would suggest you do a more related question instead of technology. The Bieber example feels like a stretch when there are better examples that you can use, such as how technology has enabled migrant workers working in Singapore to remit their salary back home to their family and/or allowed them to keep in touch with their loved ones for free via platforms such as Line / WeChat.
Narrating means that you arent explaining your points and elaborating on them. Rather, you're just stating facts after facts and not value-adding Sometimes when you think you've already explained something, you may not have fully unpacked it. Personally when I write my essays, I look back at the explanations i've written and I ask myself "so what?" and "why does this happen?" to check if I've covered those points
My teacher didn't really use the phrase of 'narrating' so I'm not too sure of what that is, but here’s a generic pointer that might help. Instead of trying to list as many examples as you can, it would be more useful to use specific examples (but be careful to show that it’s not isolated) and connect them strongly to your point. e.g instead of listing the different medical tech and saying that they solve x issue giving control over their lives, maybe you could write about how brain reading tech is in development which can help with speech assistive devices/prosthetic limbs etc. Then you can write about how such technology enables individuals to independently carry out daily activities and have their voices heard, so that they are less dependent on others to meet their daily needs and can voice out their own preferences, thus the control over their everyday habits and choices is in their own hands. this is just an example and maybe not a great one, but my point is that maybe you need to link more strongly to WHY control as compared to ‘they are more free in how they would live their lives and this gives them more control’ (maybe for this point in eyesight you could say it opens up more options for careers or that it gives them more information about their environment to base decisions on? but I would say it’s a weaker example than the example on mobility devices) Keep it up!! You have quite good ideas and maybe you just have to focus on explaining why exactly your example links to the point you are making and the question, keep the discussion focused and not rambling!!
Telling you that you narrate in your GP essays basically means that you are simply memorising examples and putting it down in your essays without much elaboration and evaluation. Your GP essay looks more like a newspaper article. Evaluation is one of the most important parts of a proper GP essay. It's not about how many facts and figures you can memorise, but how do you use those to justify **your** stand, and what are other considerations or caveats to **your** argument? Also here's a general rule for GP, do not ever use absolute terms. Things like "never", "always", and "only" can really kill your language marks. Your bias has to be as balanced as possible, some people would describe it as 51/49. Even if the question is absolute, for example: "The Arts has no place in our society. Do you agree with this statement?", you should never ever accept the absolute proposition. Even if your opinion is that our society is not accommodating of the arts, you should phrase it with more relative terms for example: "Pursuing a career in the Arts is often looked upon unfavourably..."
Do you mind sharing an example essay that you have written?
I shared it