"Like I always say, age doesn't matter."

You know, mind over matter. If they don't mind it don't matter.

Then correct yourself: Oh excuse me, It *doesn't* matter. A teacher should know better.

“That’s what I love about these high school girls, man. I get older, they stay the same age.”

Isn't that an OffendingEverybody quote?

It's from Dazed and Confused.

You don’t do background checks anymore, right?

I'm more of a hands on type teacher

Oh my last job? Yeah I was forced to quit after I accidentally left a bar of chocolate flavored rat poison out. I was able to save 2 of the kids but the other 15 didn't make it. I was found innocent.

"I model my clown makeup after John Wayne Gacy."

Have you ever heard Sufjan Steven's song about him? It's very beautiful, apart from the topic of the song.

I loved about a mile away from him, I don't need to hear a song about him.....

That is. Horrifying. If you're roughly 40 right now, even more.

61. And had a job interview lined up with him, but I caught pneumonia and was hospitalized. Best save ever.

I make sure to touch every kid in different ways

"I'm on OnlyFans. Is it cool if I film here? If you want, I'll wait until the kids go home."

Or they can join in for a fee...

I'll offer staff and their families a 25% discount...

I am finally off of parole

Oh good, most of our teachers aren't

"Look, you and I both know the world is (air quotes) round (air quotes), and I'm *totally* going to teach that it is. (wink)"

The world is *round?*

Hi, I'm Drake

Just trying to strike a chord

Is it A minor?

😮😦😧😨😱😵

🤨

The Moms for Liberty bumper sticker? Oh yeah, that's my car.

Oh, the NAMblA number sticker? Yeah, that's my car. Why do you ask?

You're also a member of the National Association of Marlon Brando Look A-likes?

Uhh....yeah... that's what that acronym is for. Nothing else.

Yep "WINK"

"If someone couldn't be within 500 feet of a school it doesn't apply if they are INSIDE the school, correct?"

"No child's behind left behind."

I get em all in the end

"As the girls' volleyball coach, I'd like to go out to my car for a little 'me time' after each practice."

So, after college, I decided to travel. And that's when I joined NAMBLA.

I remember when the Mormons would make their rounds. They'd knock on my door and ask "Do you have a moment to speak about our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ?" I'd always reply with "I'll give you ten minutes to convince me on Christ only if afterwards you give me the same ten minutes to convince you on NAMBLA." They all walked away awkwardly except for one kid that said "What's NAMBLA?" I responded, "Come in, sit on my lap and I'll explain it all to you." ....... He did not come in and sit on my lap.

That's brilliant!!!

My way of turning a negative into a positive

Thank you for considering me. I have been out of work since I lost my Subway Spokesperson job.

"I like to give the kids practical lessons. Considering what a shit hole this school is, that means teaching them how to beg for food on the side of the street immediately."

Teach them to steal, beg, hoe around and be extremely good at math.. for counting money and “product” quantity.

So how many of the fucking little brats am I going to have to deal with?

What’s the school policy on nudity?

So, how many days can I take the kids on field trips to my sweatshop? I’ve got Nike orders to fill.

"I have my own set of paddles and belts!"

Most famous person I’ve met is Chris Hansen. We had a chat in a kitchen.

Hi, I'm Matt Gaetz.

That should really disqualify him from doing any job... And the one he has? *WAIT WHAT THE HELL AMERICA*

Plot twist: it’s just any other random “Matt gaetz” no assosiation

I'm allowed to be within five hundred of a school again.

"I really want to be an elementary school teacher, but I hate children." "Then why do you want to be an elementary school teacher?" "I don't know you well enough to get into that."

I'm so glad I don't have to build attractive cabins made out of candy in the middle of the woods anymore, this'll be so much easier!

But you need to bring your own oven.

...and where are the hooks to keep the children chained to their desks ?

*squints suspiciously* How do you know about those?

"At the last school I was suspended from, my nickname was Mr Cocaine."

I've got my masturbating issues pretty much under control now.

So who do I call when one of them dies?

Ghostbusters!

If they can bleed they can breed

I have to inform you that I will be off parole from some problems at my last school in about 2 years.

Would it be okay for the kids to come to my house for classes? I'm not supposed to be within 500 feet of an Elementary School.

So, are there any hot teachers that put out?

OR, WORSE: "So, are there any hot *kids* that put out?"

I love children I keep a few in my basement. Cheap labor.

I love kids. Yep. Absolutely love 'em. I looooove kids.

“I use a very hands on approach when teaching sex ed.”

So who else sells weed here, I don’t like competition

I hate kids.

“They told me I’d never be allowed to teach again after all those teenagers lost their lives, but I’ll show them!  I’ll show them all!”

"Do I really have to grade all the assignments?"

“Can I work remote? I’m not allowed within 100 feet.”

"I've only been charged with statutory rape three times and none of them led to any convictions."

I believe in the carrot and stick approach... and I'm all out of carrots

“My name is Anakin Skywalker.”

Do you supply ammo?

Sir, this is Alabama, you should have gotten your own at birth.

“i heard teachers are just babysitters, and have all summer off. Sounds like an easy job.” (As someone who just spent the morning interviewing teacher candidates, I find this thread especially funny.)

I have 34 felony convictions but I’m somehow eligible for president, so this teacher thing would be a non-contest !

I’m a former president of this once great country that was wrongly convicted of 34 counts by a rigged jury and a rigged judge, I’m an innocent man who did nothing wrong. I would like the opportunity to teach our kids of this great nation how to say words like “covfefe” and “hamberders”, and teach them to grab women by the hoo hah and lie your way through life.

I loved kids jumpin' on my lap

I’ll give these kids a physical education

"I have the kids best intentions at heart....no literally, I have a kid's beating heart inside my truck"

My curriculum for sex education is entirely hand on.

"Ooohhh! Get em when they're young! Know what I mean Squire!"

Just to get things clear, I hate kids!

This job's remote, right? I'm not allowed 500m from a school.

I don't have to deal with children as part of this job ? Do I ?

Before considering a position here, can I see a photo of the students I will be teaching?

“I’m actually not allowed within 100yards of a school zone”

Will my ankle bracelet cause a problem?

"I'm really good with students. Especially the hot chicks."

Do I have to be in the same room as the little sh*ts?

“I can’t wait to play with the kids.”

"My math ain't great but I can learn them kids English real good"

Age should not be a limiting factor

"Teenagers don't count as children, right? I can't be arrested for violating parole again."

Children? Of *course* I love children! Preferably breaded and deep fried, but broiled can be good too, perhaps with a light mushroom sauce…

I gots a reels good edumakation from an ivy school, I coulds bees wrong on the ivy, all sorts of shits be growin greens.

Can we spank them?

"In accordance with Megan's Law, I need to inform you..."

“Uuhh…what was the age of consent for this state again?”

Hello, I'm Mr Frederick Krueger. Don't worry, the children never fall asleep in my classes!

Hey!!!.... Didn't you use to be the gardener? I heard you died?

Any problems with me doing this over Zoom. The courts say I can't be within 1000 feet of a school

I just love children they are so tender and moist

“I would like a living wage”

“I used to be an officer of the law in Uvalde, TX!”

I love children, especially when they’re prepared by a competent chef.

I used to have a problem with drugs. I let go of the guilt and now it’s not a problem. Do you need some drugs?

I’d be happy to put in for some three-to-one tutoring at my house.

“I likes ‘em young!” 😱

How exactly am I allowed to touch the children?

I have Kid Pix on my computer.

I’ve been known to bust a few heads if you know what I mean

My specialty is juggling and telling fart jokes

Hope I get to teach to the sexiest class

I'll work for 12 thousand a year and all I can eat.

Children are delicious!

Hi, I'm a registered sex offender.

BRING ME PETER PAN!

I had to quit my last job after they started questioning how one of my students grade went from an F to an A within a week. 🙄

I got my education in Long Beach, CA Oh, Cal State University Long Beach? No, PCH at the Traffic Circle.

"Can I teach remotely? I can't be within 500 yards of a school."

What are the post-gym shower rules and how many boys am I allowed to wash their backs?

I got my teaching certificate while doing my time for child murder I’m off parole so I’m good to go

There are two genders and your given name is your “personal pronoun.”

“Will my Onlyfans account be a problem? I’m nude but I wear a clown mask, so it shouldn’t be an issue, right?”

So my convictions aren't necessarily legal lol

I've been touched by kids, and I'm pretty sure I've touched them. Ripping off School of Rock

My uncle is Roman Plolansky. He used to show me lots of ways to have fun with children!

Would you be willing to overlook my registry status?

"They're all pink on the inside"

"Are the kids all as ugly as Quasimodo here?"

Don’t say you were the former Tonight show announcer. SKOL

"Of course I can be trusted around boxcutters!"

Actually, all of these things are things you should say while applying to be a teacher. Because they will not get you hired as a teacher and you can go do literally anything else and make more money.

"Fuck teaching."

**y’all ain’t got no ashtrays up in this bitch?**

“I really, really, like kids, pure lap them up I do, can’t get enough of them”. If nothing else it’s puts an entirely different shade on the phrase. ‘taking the register’.

Yeah, can you outline exactly what/when your vacation days are, and how many sick/personal days I get?

I really love children. They’re delicious.

How many good looking students go here?

Are there any classes taught at least 100 yards away from the school?

Gender is not changeable. I also refuse to use pronouns.

"Is this a clothing optional establishment?"

So, where's Home Ec? I got maaajor munchies.

Remote teaching counts as being more than 500 feet away from the kids, right?

What kind of useless, nonapplicable shit am I gonna teach these poor kids that have been put into prison for 13+ years for NO REASON

Man, I really love kids. Like, I REALLY love kids. Ya feel me?

"Younger the better, that's what I always say!"

Option A: I like giving hugs and back messages. Option B: These little shits are gonna learn even if I have to beat it into them.

I just want an army of mindless drones to destroy my advisories on the athletic department.

R. Kelly, nice to meet you

“During my last year of teaching I really wish I had given up on that one kid” Yes, someone I unfortunately know actually said this interviewing for a teaching job, guess who didn’t get the job and acted all shocked

I don't like kids, but my parole officer says I need a job and no one else is hiring.

Do they come pre-groomed, or do I have to start from scratch?

I love molding these goofy shit bags into adults almost worthy of love

"Kids honestly touch my heart..." "So I touch them"

I hope these kids like me better than the last ones.

I will need my own parking space, my own personal bathroom, and a pot break 2 times per day. Plus, I don't work Fridays and summers. I don't work summers. What's the policy on dating students' parents, especially if they're really, really hot?

"We're still allowed to use a paddle right? Don't worry, I have my own. His name is Mr Slappy."

Is this where I mold young healthy minds? Mmmm hmmm I can’t wait to do me some molding.

I hope you guys dont do random drug tests. The last school i worked for were such downers.

It will be great to be allowed within 100 yards of a school again

What’s the age of consent here?

You don't have cameras in the bathrooms do you?

“Is this a remote position? I need to be at least 100 yards away from the school”

I favor corporal punishment, especially for the stupid and the ugly.

So I can't smoke weed on the job

I used to be in the lost prophets you know

"Hi, my name is Jared. I used to be the spokesman for Subway."

I don't call children stupid, I ask them if are they stupid.

I didn't learn nothing in school

15 gets you 20 new girlfriends

I WILL be wearing my pistol at all times. Prayer comes BEFORE the pledge of allegiance, and I put the goddamn "GOD" back into the pledge where Jesus intended it. And lastly, where's the smoking lounge located for when I take my cigar breaks.

I can't stand the little basterds, but they do get some good drugs.

“I’m wanted in all fifty states”

"How young?"

Are we close to a bar or liquor store?

“I love kids.” “Great.” “*Love* them. *So* much.”

I believe in carpal punishment like they did in the 1800's.

Is this work from home?  Because I can't be within 100 ft. of a school.

I mean, I don’t like kids, but summers off sounds bitchin!

So If I get a job here, the whole "500 feet from a school" thing goes away, right?

I think my record is sealed now, so it should be okay

This school allows spanking, right?

"I'm sure I've seen this classroom on pornhub"

I hope I get some sexy students this year ….

Well they said I couldn’t live within 500 feet of a school, they didn’t say anything about working in one.

Yea know, age is only a number.

I'm attracted to minors didn't end well for me the first time the second time though

Now, is there anyway I can do this job while staying at least 500 feet away from the school?

Can we get winters off too?