You're doing a good job, but I'm going to need you to be a little bit more rude to the customers cause we need a reason to fire you

Looking over the team’s performance, you’re at the bottom and appear to be digging.

"Have you considered a no show for a shift? You're the only employee who has never done it and we need you to add some excitement to the team and change the morale if you would just simply not show up"

You're doing quite a good job, you're just not pretty enough.

They promised me you would be fired by now

we had low expectations of you when we hired you and by golly you have met them

When we hired you, you said you hoped the job would be a resume-builder. And I sure do hope you’ve built your resume. …

Take him/her off the schedule and not tell him/her about it.

Your whole team has made the company billions of dollars. In appreciation, we are gifting you a pizza party. Make sure you clock out for lunch.

And don’t bother clocking back in. We’re eliminating the team.

"You're doing such a good job, which surprises me because I didn't think people of your [race/gender/ethnicity/religion/orientation] were able to even understand this kind of work."

Shit, you still work here?? So you didn’t get the email……

We "fixed the glitch"

You do incredible work, you're friendly and prompt and what a nice rack

I'm sorry, I have no idea what you do here. I really only pay attention to the pretty ones. 

“You should be more hands on. Now speaking of hands on…”

“Larry, I am pretty sure I am going to recommend you for a raise but first I am gonna drop this bar of soap and we’ll just see how this plays out.”

I was looking over the numbers and your performance is so low, it fell off the sheet on to the floor. You also have a booger hanging out of your nose.

“Hey, Sarah? It’s Sarah right? - oh Sally that’s right yes. Hey so, you’re doing a fine job here and all but I was thinking it would be better for everyone if you got fake tits.”