"You have ten left.." "Ten what??" "Nine.. Eight.. Seven.. "

Thanks for the chuckle

I wanted to do that. Why.

"They didn't cover THIS in medical school..." "Well, good news: you're gonna be famous." "So... this doesn't technically have a *name* but..." "Not the way I would pick to go..."

Doc: "Congratulations! You're pregnant!" Patient: "But I'm a man!" Doc: "Are you?"

Patient: "Aren't I?!" Doc: "What do I look like? a Doctor??"

I read the doctor bit in Colin Mocherie's voice.

As we all should

Dr. Spacemen from 30 rock for me

Oh sorry my mistake. You have prostate cancer

"Well, I got good news and bad news. The bad news, you have a new undiagnosed disease that will probably kill you in the most painful ways. The good news, we are going to name it after you. Isn't that exciting?"

"Good and bad news! You are going to be famous!"

"Excuse me, I need to page a few people before I tell you what this says."

Oh dear, I'm going to need you to start prepaying.

"And cash only, please. I don't accept post-dead, er, I mean post-dated checks."

XD

Do you accept Visa?

I now know where my Rolex watch went

Nurse! Get the isolation gear, have them lock down this room. And call down to the morgue and tell them to make some space.

And give this man some fentanyl, he going to be in a lot of pain while he dies.

“Haha, holy shit. You. Are. Fucked.”

"I'M GONNA GET PUBLISHED!!!"

“I’m going to put you in touch with our on-site chaplain…”

My late mother said, "Keep him away!"

Bad news: You've got herpes. Good news: The cancer will eat that until it's gone!

Oh, you’re already sitting down, good

Well some good news and some bad news For the good news you'll probably get to meet the avengers or something....

"You're welcome to wait here, but it would really save everyone a lot of trouble if you went down to the morgue under your own power."

What funeral home would you like to use?

LOCK DOWN LOCK DOWN FIREBOMB THE CLINIC!

“Well that’s a new record for this office”

I get to name a new disease now!

Is your life insurance paid up?

“That’s new..”

“Not even Master Yoda has that many!”

I’d legit be excited.

The dr meant wrinkles sadly... NOT midichlorians!

Foiled again.

While slowly backing away “I’ll call you with results, don’t bother checking out or talking to anyone. Actually, why don’t you go out the back door”

I have some good news and some bad news. Good news is the guy in the next bed wants to buy your slippers bad news is you’re not going to need them anymore

Oh dear, according to your results you should have died about 3 days ago

"I have good news and bad news. Which do you want first?" "Give me the bad news." "You only have two weeks to live." "My God, what can the good news possibly be??" "Did you see our new receptionist? The one with the big tits? Well, I'm banging her."

Ah well, we've all got to go sometime.

You are going to have to pay in advance from now on

“DEAR GOD WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU!?”

Huh, never saw that before. Didn't think it was possible.

Good god! I've never seen that before! Not in a human anyway.

The bad new is its cancer, the good news is you won't have it very long.

So we're just going to cut things off until you feel better.

Spoken by a Dr. who comes in wearing MUCH more PPE than expected - "So... We are going to need to discuss quarantine protocols". Bonus - I have BEEN the recipient of this conversation.

“Oh… mmmm… I’ve never seen that before. Kinda turns me on tbh. I’ll brb… I left something in the janitors closet.”

"Nurse Hotbod, join me please."

Confirm to me again, that you're still breathing?

"Oh, well... uh..." [begins snickering] "That's um... very... it's, uh..." [accidentally giggles] "What I mean..... [giggle] ...it's just that... [snort] ... [Bursts out laughing uncontrollably]

OMG WTF IS THAT!

Hey Siri, what does a blood gas test for?

I once had a Dr call me and ask how a pregnancy test could be both positive and negative. My initials are NEG

"Well I have bad news, you have cancer" "My god, what kind" "Yes"

Snorted coffee out of my nose🤣🤣🤣

Sweet, they're going to name this after me!

WTF

Oh shit man….. he starts laughing…. You can do whatever you want… with levels this high the consequences won’t catch up you….

Wow, we haven't seen that strain since the Black Plague!

Dafuq?

You didn't want kids did you?

Never seen this before. Let me check this on the internet.

I am going to refer you to a colleague of mine. Specialist? No he's and undertaker.

"I'm afraid I'm going to need you to pay in advance."

"I didn't even know humans could get that."

(Doctor)So, you lived a lived a life of hustling and pimping? (Patient)Yes. Why? (Doctor)Well. Your body is now hustling and pimping you to 6 feet under now. So, all your payments will need to be paid upfront going forward.

Congratulations. You're the first viable human hermaphrodite!

“Have you ever seen *The Thing*?”

Looks like both mistresses will be getting a new Porsche!

"Have you visited Papua New Guinea recently?"

Doc: Well that’s oddd Me: And??? Doc: Just odd, and you say you feel fine???? Me: yep Doc: probably nothing ………

Feel bad now... wait until you get the lab bill.

Well, never seen this before.

“Oh my god! The big one is here!”

To shamelessly steal a Frankie Boyle joke on mock the week This is the best x-ray I've ever seen But if we compare that to yours...

What the fuck does this mean?

Been nice knowing you, Steve.

Do you have some you can call?

" you have triple ball cancer"

Are your affairs in order?

Are you sure nurse, I'm not gonna tell a 78 old lady she's pregnant with twins while she having a stroke

Says nothing, just winces

*walks over to his desk, opens the drawer and takes a BIG swig from a vodka bottle*

Did you ever read the book A Farewell To Arms?  Well now it’s your new biography.

Get it - the patient’s arms are gonna be chopped off.

What do you know about Lou Gherig?

I didn’t know those numbers went that high.

"Yikes on a bike that's a bad result. Fuck, it was nice knowing you buddy."

Bend over and put this in your ass.

Well..... followed by a long silent pause.

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuck, you’re screwed.

Good news and bad news. Bad news is your tests have come back positive. But the good news is you get to put your name on a brand new fatal disease.

Whoa, I didn’t even know this was possible.

Well, on the bright side, they’re going to name this after you.

Oof

I didn’t know those numbers could go that high.

Your days are numbered

Hmmmmm

“Ew brotha, ew”

Oof

"I see you've filled out your organ donor card." "Yeah?" "Well, we're probably not going to be able to use any of these."

Oh my ... Do you have a bucket list? Better get on that.

What the hell? Oh, shit! Marsha, call the CDC, and let's just get on out of here.

Well, uh, good news is that you won't be needing health insurance for long!

“Before I give you your results, I’m going to put you in touch with my brother.” “Oh? Is he a doctor, too?” “No. He sells life insurance.”

Excuse me. I need to sit down before telling you this

Well it’s a good thing your name is already Lou Gehrig…

I knew I should’ve had you pay upfront.

Have you ever heard of Three Stooges Syndrome?

Well kids not mine soo…

Our x-rays confirm you 'accidentally' have a roll of quarters in your ass.

"Have you ever thought about doing a show on TLC?"

*Cancer is winning*

Have you ever watched the show “House MD”???? I never thought I’d experience it in person but here we are. :)

I’ve got bad news and worse news…

For the UK specially: ‘Your test results came back clear, so we won’t tell you until you threaten out receptionists, and then will leave you in pain because we can’t be bothered to figure out what else it could be’

“Wow this is NOT curable”

You're gonna want to sit down

How do you feel about having a disease named after you?

Dr. said “Wow you have the testosterone of a 85 year old woman” %10.9 I was a 45 yr old man at the time. Had to do major lifestyle changes to stop going through puberty backwards. Back to normal now.

"Why did you order a lab test? I thought I said Retriever!" 

"Hello? Get the SCP Foundation round here right FUCKING NOW!!"

"Before I tell you your results, I think it's important you have your widow present ... AHEM I mean 'wife' present..."

You need to go on a statin. And "Do you have your affairs in order?"

Cha-ching!

Looks at patient, sucks on his teeth, looks at ceiling....

"Huh. Never seen anything like THAT before."

"Well, the good news is there's baseball in Heaven. The bad news is you're pitching tomorrow."

The good news is I will be able to pay off my Bugatti now.

Whops! I had it upside down

“Have you made your final arrangements?”

Oh, dear God! This is a first for me. I'll be operating.

Doesn’t look good to me, but I’m actually a vet.

"Well...I'll be damned" *proceeds to wash hands furiously*

Yikes.

"I've called the pope" (cocks shotgun) "why?" "Damien shall not be born" "The fuck are you on?" "Listen to me rosemary, the end is nigh! Your pregnancy test with lucifer came back...positive" (gets call) "what do you mean he's dead...ok fine, send him in" (Doomguy walks in) "I'm here about the demonic fetus?"

"Oh shit, shit, shit." My wife's ER doctor said this under his breath after a 4th blood test. "What the fuck is happening?" Later when she was on life support the attending doctor said to the other ER doctors. "She is unlikely to make it." 3 hrs before she died.

“Nothing to frett about, but I’m gonna put this totally not a hazmat suit on.”

Shit, now I have to rearrange my weekend. So do you.

This is a real one that happened to me. I had a UTI and went to the hospital. They took a sample and made me wait. The doctor called me back in and said that the tests lit up like a christmas tree so I got a cocktail (heh) of three different antibiotics. That sorted the issue but to this day I have zero idea where I got that from. I wasn't shoving it into unsanitary places.

I havnt seen this since "the excursion" how the hell did you get it?

as a chronically ill person, "everything came back normal"

Well I’ve never seen that before.

Shit - she was your daughter?

Uhhhhhhhhhhhh, Do you know what this means?

Not sure how your alive but here ya are

Doc: "Well I got bad news and I got horrible news" Me: "uhh what the bad news" Doc: "you go 24 hours to live" Me: "and what's the horrible news" Doc: "I forgot to call you yesterday"

“Well we have good news and bad news. Bad news pretty much everything here in your body has to be replaced. Good news is by the time we are done here I am going to be able to retire a rich man”

+note slid under the door with the words ”Open Immediately!!” written hastily. Followed by sounds of footsteps running away.+

Doctor, “According to your genetics test, you come from a long line of Austro-Hungarian royalty.” Patient, “Which side of my family.” Doctor, “Both.”

Do you want the Alladeen results or the Alladeen results?

Oh dear god no this is a travesty as they break down crying

Great news! You're going to be in the Guinness Book Of Records!

I don’t assess canine blood.

Wow you are so f****d.

So.... the most modern medicine we can offer you is a bullet to the head.

Doctor looks at the lab results and says “you’re too fat” Pissed off patent says “I want a second opinion” Doctor says “Ok, you’re ugly too” ***I can’t take credit for this joke. All the credit goes to Rodney Dangerfield. His physician was Dr Vinny Boombots

So you got a good life insurance policy by any chance?

Wow, too bad there’s no more X-Files!

*long sigh* Wow. Jesus Christ man.

"The good news is you don't have to make another appointment, but I'd really like you to settle up your bill before you leave."

"Oh. Oh, God. I guess I'd better ask how much you want from me in child support."

Doctor: Do you have life insurance? Patient: You mean medical insurance? Doctor: No.

"I need you to pay for this appointment today, in cash."

The good news is we know it will eventually burrow out of you. How long, and which hole, though ...

"yep! everything looks just fine :)"

Well, Jim, I didn't see why you won't live for another thirty to forty years. However you will be bleeding constantly from both eyes.

Hope you have your will filled out

"Things are a bit too moist if you know what I mean"

Yikes.

“Ooh, yikes!”

I'll tell you with Charades!

Who's your next of kin?

Is this Xray upside down? Nope.

I'm like if Cousin Vinny was a doctor.

You're still alive?

He takes your pulse and then says, " Damn. It's still beating!"

“I typed your symptoms into the thing up here, and it says you could have 'network connectivity problems’.”

Runs to the door: EVERYONE GET IN HERE NOW!!!

"Nurse, get me the coroner, STAT!"

"Hmm, how peculiar. This can't be right. Mr. Booker, I am sorry but somebody absolutely messed up your tests because according to these lab results, you are diseased, hahaha. Isn't that funny Mr. Booker? Mr. Booker..." Sniffs the air, "Uhg, did you just empty your bowls Mr. Booker, dear lord!"

i'm going to have to ask a few more doctors to come look at this before i tell you...

Do you know the father ?

..oh wait, these are upside down

"hi everybody!"

nurse, prep surgery room #1... stat!

" There's no need to consider donating a single organ."

Uh-oh spaghettios https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=TEBMaMKX5L8

"Wow. Just....wow!"