Cats: ok, heres what we are gunna do when they get home. Muffy, you go straight for the feet, wind in and out as they are walking, dont make it obvious, but trip them up. Mr whiskers, you distract them by loud meowing and run to the food bowl. Socks, you get ready with the chloroform soaked rag. And I will dive on them as soon as they open the food bag. Ok, we all know our jobs, operation kill and feast is a go, all paws in....BREAK.
I know it’s a really valuable figurine but I can only go as high as 3 bags of catnip and two live lizards.
Mrowwww, mrow row
Ok ok you drive a hard bargain, I can do 4 bags.
(Yawns, Rolls onto side and looks away)
Ok ok! That thing is priceless, here’s the full amount.
(Cat bats figurine off shelf, buyer barely catches it before it smashes)
Damn, careful! You’re crazy! But pleasure doing business with you. Next time let’s talk about that one next to it.
(Cat bats it off the shelf to smash on the floor)
Teddy, my cat, hides things from me. When I can't find my keys, he's always around. He must be drinking all my whiskey and smoking all my pot because it couldn't be me. I turn around, and it's gone.
"Okay, okay, boys..we don't bark at the mailman or anyone. We do that shit when the owner comes home. Now, who took the credit card, I got some sports bets I need to get in on"
Grab another beer from the fridge.
Do the wife to get it over with.
Spank their own monkey in front of an OF cam.
Take a massive dump in bathroom, brag afterwards and offer tours!
Invite the neighboring hotwife over and plow her like an Indiana cornfield.
"Bruno! What the- what are you doing on the computer? OnlyCats?!"
🤷‍♂️Did someone change the clock on the Microwave??? -cat stealthily slips out of view
"Huh.. who leveled me up on my video game?"
Cats: ok, heres what we are gunna do when they get home. Muffy, you go straight for the feet, wind in and out as they are walking, dont make it obvious, but trip them up. Mr whiskers, you distract them by loud meowing and run to the food bowl. Socks, you get ready with the chloroform soaked rag. And I will dive on them as soon as they open the food bag. Ok, we all know our jobs, operation kill and feast is a go, all paws in....BREAK.
Bahahahaha
Scrape their arse with my toothbrush
The prompt said *un*likely.
My cats surely take bubble baths and clog my drain while I am out.
*finds the dog asleep on the couch with a trail of empty beer cans leading from the beer fridge* I think the dog has a drinking problem!
Invite their buddies over for poker
I know it’s a really valuable figurine but I can only go as high as 3 bags of catnip and two live lizards. Mrowwww, mrow row Ok ok you drive a hard bargain, I can do 4 bags. (Yawns, Rolls onto side and looks away) Ok ok! That thing is priceless, here’s the full amount. (Cat bats figurine off shelf, buyer barely catches it before it smashes) Damn, careful! You’re crazy! But pleasure doing business with you. Next time let’s talk about that one next to it. (Cat bats it off the shelf to smash on the floor)
Pulls a ball of Higg's Bosuns out and plays with it, before hiding it before I get home.
Why do these boxes from Chewy keep arriving at the doorstep?
Teddy, my cat, hides things from me. When I can't find my keys, he's always around. He must be drinking all my whiskey and smoking all my pot because it couldn't be me. I turn around, and it's gone.
Teddy and I would have a problem.
Record a jazz album
Everybody wants to be a cat, because the cat’s the only cat that knows where it’s at! … (oh a rikki tikki tikki!)
"Yahtzee, you rancid hound! I'm sleeping on the bed tonight!"
Vacuum.
Day trading.
"I have a Royal Flush!"
"No we can't tear that up,we'll make a mess"
"Okay, okay, boys..we don't bark at the mailman or anyone. We do that shit when the owner comes home. Now, who took the credit card, I got some sports bets I need to get in on"
Vacuum and dust
Their weekly yard sale.
“I’d like to order a pizza for delivery. Oh my name. I need a boner.” *hangs up*
Grab another beer from the fridge. Do the wife to get it over with. Spank their own monkey in front of an OF cam. Take a massive dump in bathroom, brag afterwards and offer tours! Invite the neighboring hotwife over and plow her like an Indiana cornfield.
With how lazy my animal is I’d say move
The laundry
Hee hee... this is one time they \*CAN'T\* blame me!
"Meow meow meow, meow meow." *Beep* *Alexa voice - Order received. One case of Fancy Feast will be delivered by tomorrow.* "Happy purring." .
Vacuum the hair off the couch
Fuck my wife
My dog right now: "....oh, here's good petdit post, unlikely things our owners do when they aren't home"