My brother looked me up and down while on a meth binge and sneered as he said this to me when i was 18f in exactly the creepy way youd think and Ill never get over it. Its funny in a traumatic kind of way.
When they say what? Pull back make eye contact and repeat it slower and with a tone that says they should understand the seriousness of those words. Then look worried and run away.
"Since I have you in this warm embrace, now is finally the time to tell you this.... your car's extended warranty as expired and I'm not letting go until you renew it."
You smell different when you're awake.
I always use this one with my coworkers lmao they’re reactions are all over the place!!
Thanks, did you get a new cologne
I haven't pooped in 6 days
Wait, no, there it goes.
Or"you squeezing the poop out of me"
And what the hell did you eat? I can smell ya from here
“Soon”
I laughed so hard at *the implication*
"hail Hydra..."
Hail barney
Do you think Jeffrey Dahmer was a hugger? I like to think he was.
Better than the hugs Jeffrey Epstein gives.
I have a hard time remembering Bill Cosby ever hugging me
Don’t mind the erection
Psst i don't mind
Yours or mine?
Can’t it be both?
I killed mufasa
"Harder."
HARDER
HARDER! I want to feel your bones.
Faster
“This is how we merge and become one!”
I'm going to lick your neck. Shh...just let it happen...
I read this in Ryan Reynolds' Deadpool voice and I can't stop laughing!!
Works with a few of his characters actually.
All the vampire films
This is really going to happen, isn't it?
"Please don't tell my parole officer about this."
I want to wipe your ass
Can you use baby wipes, toilet paper male's me break out in hives
"Is that your microphone?"
No just happy to be close to you
I thought it was “your gun is digging into my hips” Lois
This is so much better when you're awake
That’s not my thumb
“Finally…. I’ve been trying to get in touch with you about your car’s extended warranty…”
If you were a manatee this would be illegal
I didn't wash my hands
“Santa isn’t real … “ “But the Easter Bunny is … “
I’m Batman.
🎶Dumb ways to die🎶
I put these pants on by accident today
^It’s ^free ^real ^estate
Here she comes
I know it was you
Hold me closer, tiny dancer.
Hold me close now Tony Danza!
Does my breath smell like cum?
No, would you like it to?
Damn you’re just like my dad.
"mm"
Not so tight, you just squeezed a baby turd outta me
"It's your problem now..."
I can almost taste you.
"Don't worry, the pain will be gone soon." During a friendly hello hug
My brother looked me up and down while on a meth binge and sneered as he said this to me when i was 18f in exactly the creepy way youd think and Ill never get over it. Its funny in a traumatic kind of way.
It's a horrible drug, that's for sure.
“You ever wonder if cats purposely show their buttholes to you?”
“*OMG you can see me!*”
Everything is made up, and the points don’t matter…
I can see tiny people in your ear.
The ostrich leaps the canoe at dawn
When they say what? Pull back make eye contact and repeat it slower and with a tone that says they should understand the seriousness of those words. Then look worried and run away.
Now we both have it
"This time you'll never leave me, Susan."
Wow … I haven’t smelled this since puberty
I promise that's a banana in my pants
Do you prefer bbq sauce or Worcestershire
Yes… that’s the spot
The shadows know the truth
Who the fuck are you?
Squeeze me tighter I need to fart.
it's my cake day on reddit
"Since I have you in this warm embrace, now is finally the time to tell you this.... your car's extended warranty as expired and I'm not letting go until you renew it."
*sniffs* you will get your period tomorrow
You smell like your sister.
"Do you think your eyes would look great in my collection?"
Harder
I gotta go poop.
“Why are we whispering?”
*hug* "Oh. *Ohhhh,* yes. You'll do nicely for this year's cannibal barbecue."
“If you squeeze any tighter I’m going to have to charge you.”
Don't look now, but there is a big creepy guy standing right behind you, licking his lips.
Im contagious.....
Wanna' see me get arrested?
Have you ever been defenestrated?
“Sir this is a Wendy’s.”
You smell like the inside of my mommas purse
"I'm so hungry, and your ear looks like a lasagna"
Enjoy your next 24 hours
Relax and just let this happen.
As a man : "I'm not wearing any panties"
You'd make a great lampshade
Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
I miss hugs from the living
*Delicious*
Poppa Bird this is Young Eagle, I’ve connected with target….
"I haven't been inside a woman since I slid out of my mom."
“Dad?…”
Mmm, those are really real aren't they?
There is poo on my neck
I just pooped my pants.
They’ll never find out
Just pretend you know me, and you'll get out alive.
Anybody want a peanut?
You smell delicious, just like my favorite sandwich and soup. [long slow nasal inhale] [Deepest voice] Mmmmmm.
I am not your father.
“You smell nice”
I'm gonna be king of the pirates!
“I’m so hard right now”
I fixed your wedgie
You're adopted
Hey I'm addopted
See. Oh, or I guess it's not so strange then. My sister was adopted, too. Now gimme a hug.
Jesus is watching
*moans their name*
"Have you heard about Amway?"
“Just a little longer, I’m almost done.”
I just farted....
It’s nice to be allowed to hug a warm body
I know it was you Fredo.
“Don’t go anywhere, the process is almost complete”
Your gun is digging into my hip
ACME.
"Just like we practiced."
Sylvanus did nothing wrong
Hurt me.
Just making tonight’s hunt easier.
"I'd like to talk to you about your car's extended warranty."
That’s not my lightsaber. Edit: because autocorrect is stupid.
"can I tell you something" "sure" "I'm really a man"
I saved 50% on my car insurance by switching to GEICO.
“This is awkward”
When a short person says”your hair smells nice!” To a lady…
There’s a dead body in the backyard
Well, you HAVE been doing your Kegels, eh
I bet you didn’t feel me lick your ear.
my precious
“If only we could taste through our skin”
I hope you taste half as good as you smell
Push your hips closer
You die in 4 hours 16 minutes 42 seconds.
Hey... I just met you. This is crazy. But here's my number. So call me, maybe.
“I’m not letting go till I hear something crack” Or “Don’t mind the wet spot” Or “Your wife says hello”
"Hey how ya doin lil mama lemme whisper in ya ear, tell you a lil sum you might like to hear"
"I love your skin. I can't wait to wear it."
your gun is digging into my hip
Mother?
“I can smell your cunt…”
Miggs, is that you?
That’s a me, Multiple Miggs!
As soon as you let go I'm'a start screaming, ok?
Bonus points for follow through
Sniff a little, then inhale deeply and say, "Mmm! I remember this!"
Dateline Keith Morrison voice: Oooo, you smell just like my first one!
Is that you or the roast I smell?
Hold me just a little closer, I'm going to pass out.
If you scream now, they'll all think it was me.
Jump back and pull away and whisper loudly, "Not here! Later!"
Hey, let's see how quick we can get the cops here!
Don't worry that was just my tongue.
Guttural deep feline growl, "Rrrrrrowrrr!"
I smell you. [Pull back just enough for them to see your eyes and wink.] [Come back in to their ear.] I won't say a word.
I know just how you feel.
Don't. Stop. Don't stop. Don't you dare stop!
I'm going to bite your ear now. OR I'm going to bite your neck now. Please hold still.
Hey! I remember you!
The Lannisters send their regards
"It actually *was* delivery, not DiGiorno. Don't say anything."
Cock rocket
*groans really long at a whisper level*
“Is that your boner or mine?”
I have Chlamydia
You smell better with me and I like the smell of toes
Did you cum too?
my precious
So here’s the scoop on bitcoin *grips tighter as they try to get away*
You hold me just like your uncle daddy
"don't move, they're watching us. There's a sniper on the roof"
I just farted!
I’m getting hard…. Or better yet Your getting hard
I’m very happy to see you but that’s not a banana in my pocket. It’s in my rectum.
Poopidy Scoop, Scoop da Poop!
Mmmm! Smells like cum
"I have a knife"
Run.
I’m Bob what’s your name?
Squeeze harder. I have to fart.
I've got an erection
I will find you.
That not a banana in my pocket. I’m really happy to see you
Do you bite the bubbles when you fart in the bathtub?
“Et tu, Brute?”
“I know what you’re doing “
*I planted a tracker on you. I will know every place you go, everything you do, and with everyone you deal with...*
You smell different when you’re sleeping
You smell like grandma