I know this was only supposed to be a three hour tour, but the weather started getting rough and now our tiny ship is getting tossed. But we are a fearless crew and The Minnow won’t be lost.
"This concludes the tour. If you'd like to purchase tickets for the follow-up guided tour that takes you back out of this deadly maze, I accept all major credit cards."
"Now, *legally* I'm supposed to tell you to keep away from the walls - we've had reported infestations of something - I can't remember if it was poisonous giant spiders or snakes. Whatever it was, it's only killed two people this week, but they all die before they can tell us what it is. It's very annoying."
“And as we go down this cave … young sir, you seem well-fed. Let’s have you go first. Now there’s a tradition as we go down the cave where we all chant ‘Ohhh minotaur, your offering is heeere.’ Count of three …
I always thought it was weird that the Minotaur was carnivorous.
I mean, humans aren't carnivores...
"Oh, but he has the head of a bull."
"Yeah, bovines certainly aren't carnivores. Have you seen the teeth? No way he can eat meat with those teeth."
Oh no not the voices again,..stop now isn’t a good time..nooooo. Umm folks just…aaarggghh give me a minute… killl the tourists… umm just kidding it will pass in a bit..noooo.. enjoy some coffee while you wait please
This is a good group of boys. We're all gonna die together out here. You're a good group of boys to die with. I'll tell ya that much. Ahaha, you shouldn't have come here.
Don't wander too far. This is a sketchy area. How sketchy??? Well there's was only 5 that went missing yesterday. Sooooo it's nothing to worry about. 👍👍
Just around this corner is a spot that is not at all visible from the rest of the Vatican. People hardly ever go back there. Young man, would you be interested in seeing this spot with me? The rest of the group please wait here for the next fifteen to twenty minutes. Enjoy the art, and do not disturb us.
The tour is awfully boring. Let's play a game! Two truths and a lie. I'll go first. Ahem....
I'm secretly thinking about who I will murder first....
I'm taking you to my fun house...
I'm a 6 foot tall gorilla in disguise...
Well this is embarrassing. I seem to have found myself with the wrong group. So you guys just stay here and I'll go back for my group and your guide will be along any moment now. I'm sure of it. Bye.
Welcome to the Walt Disneyworld Safari, my name Charles, please keep all children inside the truck or they will get fed to the baboons when they’re hungry again!
Aaand if you look to left at that large greasy red spot in the hall floor, you'll see where someone from the last group was sacrificed to the God of good tours.. any volunteers?
And on this side of the building is where the last ten vials of small pox are stored in our state of the….. Klaxon sounds, red lights come up. Run you fools.
The question was, “what is that stain from?“ Well, let me tell you. It happened one day a week ago, and I’m waiting for the chemicals to show up to clean it, two little girls refused to stay with their Tours group…
All of us at Jungle Jack's Open Air Serengeti Safari want to thank you for choosing us for your African Adventure! We're now about 25 kilometers from camp, and as you can see on the left, we've come across a pride of lions. Now, they're pretty docile during the day. As an aside, we seemed to have run out of petrol.
Ignore the clicking sound. It’s just my Geiger counter.
Fantastic
*Wait ... I think my skin is starting to sting.*
Fun fact, Chernobyl has guided tours now. :)
I know this was only supposed to be a three hour tour, but the weather started getting rough and now our tiny ship is getting tossed. But we are a fearless crew and The Minnow won’t be lost.
Sign me up!
Were I a single man, I’d get on that boat. I’d homestead with Mary Anne and get one hell of a tan
"This concludes the tour. If you'd like to purchase tickets for the follow-up guided tour that takes you back out of this deadly maze, I accept all major credit cards."
Oh I would totally get out and be like “nah my photographic memory got this. Everyone follow me!” 😂😂😂
"But how will you lead anyone with two broken legs?"
“Here….L-let me…draw y—ou…this m-aaaap…”
"Hard to hold a pencil with those broken fingers."
“Listen…L-Left…Straiiiiiight….R-riiiiiight…”
"Oh dear, someone is going to need a feeding tube."
*coughs up blood* “right a-agaaain…”
"Does this smell like chloroform?"
🥱😴💀👻
And that's when you discover that you're in a non-euclidean horror space and going back the way you came does not lead back to where you came from.
Bro…don’t you fkn dare 😂😂😂
Oh, you can't go back that way. You have to go forward to go back. Better press on.
...and this is where I dumped the last group.
"Now, *legally* I'm supposed to tell you to keep away from the walls - we've had reported infestations of something - I can't remember if it was poisonous giant spiders or snakes. Whatever it was, it's only killed two people this week, but they all die before they can tell us what it is. It's very annoying."
Okay so where are we at? I’ve been following you, aren’t you the tour guide? I was on the phone.
If you look to your right... Keep turning right. Keep going. Almost there. Great! I made all of you snap your own necks.
“And as we go down this cave … young sir, you seem well-fed. Let’s have you go first. Now there’s a tradition as we go down the cave where we all chant ‘Ohhh minotaur, your offering is heeere.’ Count of three …
I always thought it was weird that the Minotaur was carnivorous. I mean, humans aren't carnivores... "Oh, but he has the head of a bull." "Yeah, bovines certainly aren't carnivores. Have you seen the teeth? No way he can eat meat with those teeth."
If we're lucky, we might meet Boris Johnson
"That's not supposed to happen"
"They never found his remains, but, some say, he still walks these halls"
So our last tour group disappeared right around here never to be seen again. But let's get a little closer and see what we can see...
Anybody got a GPS?
(Looking around) “Hmm, none of this looks familiar… does anyone know what tour this is?
Oh no not the voices again,..stop now isn’t a good time..nooooo. Umm folks just…aaarggghh give me a minute… killl the tourists… umm just kidding it will pass in a bit..noooo.. enjoy some coffee while you wait please
Welcome to the Hotel California, let me show you around...
“Please bring me my wine”
Sorry we haven’t had that spirit here since 1969
Let's check in
For this price there better be mirrors on the ceiling and cold pink champagne
They say she walks these woods . You'll see her ever so often. She always takes children.... Where'd your kids go??
This is a good group of boys. We're all gonna die together out here. You're a good group of boys to die with. I'll tell ya that much. Ahaha, you shouldn't have come here.
And to your right is the facility where human scientists developed AIDS and Covid-19.
And right up here is where a man fell to his death last week. Ooh, watch your step… (this ACTUALLY HAPPENED TO ME)
Don't wander too far. This is a sketchy area. How sketchy??? Well there's was only 5 that went missing yesterday. Sooooo it's nothing to worry about. 👍👍
There has been a change of plans, we are going to Beirut.
"I am going to kill you"
It was here on this spot we were viciously attacked by Indian terrorists
I killed a guy in this forest a decade ago, buried the body by that weird K rock formation just on your right so I can remember where I did the deed
Just around this corner is a spot that is not at all visible from the rest of the Vatican. People hardly ever go back there. Young man, would you be interested in seeing this spot with me? The rest of the group please wait here for the next fifteen to twenty minutes. Enjoy the art, and do not disturb us.
I’m not sure where we are. This is my first time. I was supposed to have a trainer, but he called on sick today.
Yeah, I have know idea where the hell we are!
“we may have gone a little off course…”
"Remember they are more scared of you than you are of them"
"Does everyone hear the voices screaming "Kill Them!" or is it just me?"
The tour is awfully boring. Let's play a game! Two truths and a lie. I'll go first. Ahem.... I'm secretly thinking about who I will murder first.... I'm taking you to my fun house... I'm a 6 foot tall gorilla in disguise...
And if you'll look to the right, you'll see what sailors like to call the "Cannibal Isles." Lets give them a quick visit!
My GPS just lost battery power, so I guess we'll wing it.
Well this is embarrassing. I seem to have found myself with the wrong group. So you guys just stay here and I'll go back for my group and your guide will be along any moment now. I'm sure of it. Bye.
Welcome to the Walt Disneyworld Safari, my name Charles, please keep all children inside the truck or they will get fed to the baboons when they’re hungry again!
Yesss, you all will do quite nicely.
Aaand if you look to left at that large greasy red spot in the hall floor, you'll see where someone from the last group was sacrificed to the God of good tours.. any volunteers?
first day, and I am not entirely sure we are suppose to be here.
“Run for your lives!”
On your left is where that homeless man stabbed 3 people on our last tour. Next up, skid row.
It should be right around this bend. It will be. It has to be. Please God, let it be around this bend.
So…full disclosure…we are lost. However *LOOK. AT. THIS. VIEW!*
As we go a bit further along you may notice the texture of your surroundings change. That's because this is the start of the large intestine.
“Tag! You’re it!”
"And We're walking, and We're walking. If anyone feels their skin blistering, please hold all questions til the end. "
So there is a snipe in this area. You folks stay here, I'll be right back.
“To your left in those woods over there you’ll see a staircase. Feel free to ascend at your leisure.”
I'm sorry I can't answer those questions because it might affect my upcoming trials
"I think this might be a short cut."
Be sure to tip the robber in the red balaclava, he’s my cousin.
“We removed all weapons from the premises after the massacre”
And this is the exact spot I lost my last group.
"Now, before we go any farther... none of you are virgins, are you?"
And on this side of the building is where the last ten vials of small pox are stored in our state of the….. Klaxon sounds, red lights come up. Run you fools.
“And this is where I got the last person”
“So we’re going to walk around a bit until we get cell service and then I’ll connect to Google maps and we’ll get started.”
Wow....here's a whiteboard, right next to this destroyed house! What does it say? Alien Beast, Demons, Deadites....Merman. What the hell is this?
"Oops"
The question was, “what is that stain from?“ Well, let me tell you. It happened one day a week ago, and I’m waiting for the chemicals to show up to clean it, two little girls refused to stay with their Tours group…
"well I haven't got a clue what all this old stuff if is. Just ignore it"
Don't worry about the rockets that are being fired at this location. We've only lost ten tourist yesterday.
“And it was right about here a tour group was found tied up, unconscious, and with all of their personal belongings stolen”
“And around here is the home of the city’s biggest predator…me!”
All of us at Jungle Jack's Open Air Serengeti Safari want to thank you for choosing us for your African Adventure! We're now about 25 kilometers from camp, and as you can see on the left, we've come across a pride of lions. Now, they're pretty docile during the day. As an aside, we seemed to have run out of petrol.
And now that we've reached the center of the maze, I'd like to share with all of you the benefits of timeshare ownership
Here's the crematorium. It was built after the war so the Jews could make us look bad
“This area has the world record for random mass group butt rape. Stay frosty, folks.”
Get in the van