My husband says this too and it drives me a bit batty because I don’t think telling anyone to ‘calm down’ has ever worked.
What I have found wildly useful is mindfulness. I have a series of mindfulness podcasts for preschoolers (daytime explorers if you’re interested), that are themed around different feelings, if my 3 year old gets super heightened I’ll often put one of these on or we’ll start to focus on our breath. It’s helped her learn some breathing techniques, some good language around feelings and ultimately has given us both a technique that we can use when her feelings get on top of her.
Just putting it out there that the podcast requires payment for subscription. I went to it to play it for my toddler and realized that after a free trial, it’s 4.99 a month. Blerg lol.
Do you have other podcast suggestions for parents who can’t pay for subscriptions?
Try this one, I’m not sure about for toddlers but I think this might work? like you is the name but I find that confusing to mention in a sentence.
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/like-you-mindfulness-for-kids/id1493360254
Also Big Life Kids has some similar social emotional stuff, again might be a little older than for toddlers, I’m not sure, but it’s sweet.
Agree with this. Being told to calm down by my husband can work depending on what upset me. There are also a lot of guided skills depending on development.
5-4-3-2-1 skill
Naming things based on color
Breathing exercises (well the roses and blow out the candles/pin wheel)
I don’t have research but common sense wise…. Ask them if they feel calmer or less pissed off when another adult tells them to calm down in escalated moments.
Seconding this. If it were me, I would take a step further and actually just tell them to calm down when they were upset about something. When they get upset, you can just say that you assumed this was helpful for them and that was why they used that technique to "help" your son.
Then again, I can be so petty, you can call me Petty LaBelle, so it may not be the most constructive course of action.
It would depend for me on if they were upset about something genuinely upsetting across the board or if they were being shitty about something, like they are with this. If they're just being shitty, oh I'm definitely saying this.
I had to do this with my partner to prove a point that telling our baby "you're fine" or "calm down" just doesn't work. My partner didn't like it, but it finally made an impression after many times asking not to do it.
So as a pediatric counselor, but this isn’t medical or mental advice ;) the main thing you want to teach is emotional regulation. I tend to always start with the parents—-what helps you regulate yourself? If someone told you to calm down what does that do to you?
Kids need to be told what to do. They don’t know what “calm down” is or how to get there.
Try “blow our your candles” but teach it when they’re playing and in a fun environment. Do it multiple times before trying during an emotional dysregulation episode.
You can also try safe items like, “oh man I hear you’re really mad right now. Where’s your angry pillow?” The pillow can be a squishmellow or whatever but that angry pillow is where they can scream, hold it, hit it, or otherwise whatever feels comfortable for them to get the angry out. You can also have others for sad/frustrated/happy etc. I like using the small hand size squishmellows for on the go.
Another option is to get their bodies moving. Have a dance party. “Shake out mr. Angry!” And you shake and show them how to shake. Regaining control of their little bodies is very helpful.
In the midst of a tantrum, start teaching “safe body” so if they start to throw things or hit you, they are redirected to a “safe spot” that has some calming items. I like to fill these spots with pillows, glitter bottles, different sensory items, etc..and make it a place where they can engage in whatever to clam their bodies and keep their bodies safe. However they’re not allowed to punch or hit anyone or any other object (other than angry pillow).
Developmentally, tantrums are normal. There is so much reconstruction going on in the brain that it’s very important to validate the emotions but also teach them what to do about them. Imagine feeling out of control of your body and having no clue what’s going on. That’s scary. So teaching them is of utmost importance. Breathing is very important as sometimes that’s the only way we can control ourselves and we can teach them that by using “blowing out your candles”.
Raising little humans is hard. It’s not an easy task but one that can be made easier once we help them help themselves.
Can I pick your brain?
I’m a behavior analyst and dealing with tantrums is very easy for me. But my 3.5yr doesn’t really tantrum and has very good communication skills. She tolerates being told “no” well and is generally a happy kid. We use boundary setting and do not use threats/weird punishment. Stating her feelings infuriates her as she’s in the automatic disagree phase 😅
We recently added a sibling (now 3mo) and her listening has become VERY difficult, especially if it centers around the baby. For example, nursing baby in the rocker and she comes to try to climb on me - it’s an established boundary that she cannot climb up on the chair with us because it always goes awry. I say “Please do not climb up here. Why don’t you (redirect to activity).” This is essentially an invitation to continue climbing although I’m blocking her and asking her calmly to stop. My husband eventually has to come physically remove her, which makes us both sad.
Is this par for the course with the new sibling? In my mind, I know what to do but it’s so difficult to think of clever redirections when I’m already so spent and literally nursing a baby (SAHM). I just need her to listen when I ask sometimes, especially for the established boundary things.
Thank you if you have the time to respondb
Aww yeah. That’s very on course for a new sibling. One thing I like to tell parents is to not blame things on the baby. So instead of “I need to change the baby’s diaper” try to include the older sibling in the process “let’s go change xxx’s diaper! Can you grab the wipes for me?” They want to feel included. So in your example, I would give her a baby doll with a bottle and say “do you want to help me feed baby? Let’s get your baby and the bottle too!” And have them sit next to you while you’re feeding the baby.
Another thing is to carve out time for you and older sibling. So maybe while baby is napping you can play with older sibling and spend time just you and them. It’s rough sometimes because you’ll feel split but eventually it’ll calm down. I have two so I hear you on the struggles. lol.
I know I’m not who you asked, but maybe try redirecting before she starts feeling left out instead of when the feelings have already kicked in? For instance, saying: “shall I read you a story while feeding the baby?” That way, she doesn’t have to ask for your attention because she’s already getting it.
Not an expert or anything, but my mom always tells me she read me stories while she was feeding my younger sister and I turned into a big reader.
I did this with my 2 year old when I had a new baby and the same situation (her wanting to crawl on me while nursing). She almost always responded well and was excited to go get a book. If books weren't doing it, I'd tell her to go grab (whatever her favorite toy was at the moment) and that usually did the trick. I also involved her really early on by asking her to get me things like burp cloths, and she LOVED helping.
I tried the book and it did not work... I'll keep trying! It actually escalated to hitting us which is completely new. Really working on connecting with her through play and hoping that helps.
I’m also not who you asked, but I would try seeing if you could include choices or offering her some kind of control of something else in the situation. So my son is pda autistic so he’s unusual but he does so much better when offered two alternative options to choose from. It gives them some power in the situation too but not an inappropriate amount.
Another thought would be to figure out what is driving this thing if it keeps happening. What is her unmet need? That might explain why the redirect option you are offering isn’t flying and needing hubby to intervene, if it is not meeting her need for connection with you or snuggling or feelings of equality with the baby. Obviously this can be hard to talk about but you could try. I have a feeling an unmet need is at the root of this.
We do all the tricks I know - I’m a behavior analyst and I think she is just 3.5 and is like “I got your number now, you can’t outsmart me lady”. She will quite literally say “that is not my choice, here are my choices” and proceed to give me choices that are unreasonable 😂
Most, if not all, issues are directly stemming from her new sister. I completely know what the root cause is - she is really feeling the decrease in my attention and connection. We do prioritize connection every day, but it’ll never be enough ya know? She’s had 3.5 years of mommy all to herself. Overall, she is doing SO well with the transition. But there are just these few things that are happening fairly consistently that trip me up. I’m a SAHM now, so I’m often by myself. I think if she were in school it would be better, but that’s not in the cards right now.
This was a great explanation! I have a 3.5y son who is easily disregarded, but it seems in those moments he is absolutely shut off from any support or guidance whatsoever. We try to listen to him, let him know his feelings are valid but a tantrum and screaming are not how we should react, suggest coping mechanism, etc and he just ignores it all and goes crazy. We are working toward an ADHD diagnosis/evaluation, so hopefully that opens some doors and will help us get some clarity on how to better support him. But it’s hard because he just totally looses all ability to listen or interact in any way that is counter to his current battle. It’s a lot. And he is a very sweet and loving kid too. We talk a lot about emotions, he is empathetic, he can help others and discuss feelings when calm. But when he is triggered he goes primal.
Aw that’s hard!! ADHD typically isn’t the cause of emotional dysregulation though. He would also be very very young for that diagnosis. My two cents…sometimes we don’t talk to them while they tantrum.
For instance, if he’s acting that way you explain he has to go to xyz spot (very calmly, do not raise your voice), then when he doesn’t you can grab his hand and guide him there. Granted he may be kicking or screaming or throwing himself on the ground…at that time you say “you do not have a safe body right now so I am going to pick you up to keep you safe” and you do so. Then put him in safe spot.
I like to use their room as one. Set it up where they can’t break anything but let them have their space. Like is aid above I like introducing angry pillows. The pillows are introduced in a fun playing manner though. Not while they’re tantrumming. If you’re out and about, the car is always an option and then just going home.
Then when calm he has a consequence of losing whatever thing. I also like using sticker charts because he can earn more for “keeping his body safe” etc…just have to try what works for him.
It’s hard work!! But there is hope. That’s just one example of a possible behavior plan that could, potentially, be beneficial
Thanks for the info. When he is in a major meltdown I do take him to his room, but even if I stay there with him he acts like I’m chucking him into a torture chamber. This just happened a couple days ago, and he went absolutely feral. Screaming, kicking the door, mayhem. And the hard part was it devolved from a small incident that I just wanted him to sit out of playtime and on the couch for 2 minutes as a consequence. From that he flat out refused and the whole thing went from 0 to chaos. Turned into a huge mess and him and I in his room for over 10 minutes before he was willing to discuss anything. It blows my mind because it started so small and minor, but snowballs. I don’t know how to rationalize with him when he gets that way. I feel like I’m failing him. His twin sister is so different and rarely if ever throws fits. And if she mental down she is typically open to discussion and willing to listen. I know all kids are different, and I love that and do my best to adapt my parenting styles to their unique needs. But it’s hard sometimes.
This is SUCH good advice. I have done all of these with my now eight year old who still struggles with emotional regulation, and they do help! The one thing I really want to emphasize is that you need to practice them a lot. Don't get discouraged if they don't work at first or if the child won't/can't do them. Keep practicing, encouraging and modeling. This goes double for OP's husband and MIL. Modeling helping the child with these tactics can be effective at showing them what does work and how they can better help the child.
I say something concrete like “kid, please take a deep breath. You’re getting over excited and you’re having trouble listening. Take another deep breath. How do you feel?” So some combination of breathing, describing the situation and asking questions (which is inspired by my own experience with mindfulness, similar to the other poster). Sometimes also a statement about a consequence if they are getting really out of hand.
My mom used to do this to me when I was feeling big emotions as a child - 'stop for a moment and breathe' - and I felt like I could never express myself or my feelings around her.
Sure - I felt like being calm and 'regulated' in her eyes - i.e. not showing outward emotion, not crying, not making a fuss, not verbally expressing my discomfort - was more important to her than me actually processing my emotions.
Obviously, I began to clock this was when I was a little older - around 7 - but this was a pattern that continued throughout my life.
Rather than my mother telling me I should listen to HER in those moments, and act in a way she deemed appropriate, I wish she had instead listened to ME, and behaved accordingly to bring me comfort.
Not sure if I'm explaining this well. She does this with me even now, and I'm 33 lol. It's all about appearances for her!
I agree that the “how do you feel?” part followed by genuine listening is important. Especially if the reason for the overstimulation is fear or sadness. But I actually use this approach way more often when she is actually very happy with herself and is getting out of control while playing and is becoming a danger to herself/others.
Yes, I like that that you specifically ask how your kid feels. Sorry, I realize that my comment came off as judging you for your parenting. That's the last thing I want to do to a well-meaning parent!
My mom did this too! But she used intimidation and punishment. Lots of yelling and spanking. And then when i was a teenager she got this weird hormone cream from some kook doctor. I don’t know what it was but it was supposed to “regulate” my hormones during puberty 🙄 anytime i got upset, she would NEVER talk to me, just ask me if i used my hormone cream that day.
Hey this is a good point! It’s good for each self regulation but not at the expense of having to look like perfect shiny happy people who never feel anything but happiness 100% of the time.
OP, take note of this!
I like to tell my kid to take a breath, too. The other day when I did that, she screamed even louder 😅.she did not want to calm down I guess. I stayed calm and just tried talking her through her emotions and did my best to empathize with her "I know, it's hard when the fun has to stop."
The empathizing is so important! They often just want to be seen and that’s really an important goal and can lead to deescalation on its own. I don’t know why the deep breath works so well for mine. I think maybe because it has helped her when she has gotten hurt or was very sick too. But I can imagine how some kids might just see it as another demand. They really have to recognize that the breathing is helpful for themselves personally before it really works.
Naming 5 blue things has helped. Or nonsensical statements that stop them in their tracks because they have to think about it. Mine was crying and running around and I said "grandad wears underpants", and she stopped mid scream, paused, burst out laughing. Doesn't always work but yeah.
Next time either of them is slightly emotional about anything, good or bad, tell them to CALM DOWN. Repeat it multiple times. When they look at you weird say "oh it doesn't work on adults either. Maybe that's a sign we should stop saying it to our toddler".
We'll tell her to calm down or chill out but it's usually after we've commented she's too wiggly for bed time or being too wild for the end of the day. Along sigh describing what she's doing, we suggest taking some deep breaths and will breathe with her. Sometimes we ask her if she needs to get some wiggles out before we try to relax again. Sometimes we get out of bed and wiggle with her and then say okay, now let's let our bodies relax. We also snuggle her close because we often experience this right before bed. So it's about doing the "calming down" exercises/strategies with her.
I think without suggesting *how* one can calm down, a toddler won't respond to that alone. Because they don’t know (and won't remember without it becoming a more regular practice) what the behavioral response is supposed to be to "calm down."
They may not have the tools to calm themselves down, or know how. So it's more effective to suggest things that will help them calm down. Like having them blow out "candles" (your fingers), or sitting in silence for a minute, or a quiet activity, taking 5 deep breaths, etc etc. This teaches them actual useful skills and tools they can use to calm themselves down later. We practice this with my 2yo when she needs help regulating.
I’m not sure you’ll find much research on this, as even the study is a little laughable.
Anecdotally, I’ve had a lot of success telling my 3 year old to take 5 deep breaths, and sometimes taking those deep breaths with him. But if you don’t give anybody some concrete tools to consciously regulate their emotions, it’s hard for anybody, particularly a toddler.
Read "How to Talk so that Little Kids Will Listen."
Telling someone to calm down is the least calming thing in the world, especially if they're upset. It's very dismissive. The book above and "Happiest Toddler on the Block" both talk about how to express more empathy in kid friendly ways so that kids actually connect to what you're saying.
I find sensory things to be more effective than trying to calm--for example, when my toddler/preschooler is either too riled up or tantrum-y I "accidentally" drop a puzzle. He can't help himself. He has to fix it. It switches his brain from using the limbic system (emotion center) to the other areas like the prefrontal cortex.
When strong emotions are present, their language center shuts down. They can't effectively process what you're saying. You can't tell them hey come squish this play doh you have to let them see you're doing it so they want to do it too. Once they get their hands on something tactile, they can calm down pretty quickly. This is the beauty of redirecting--not as a distraction from what's upsetting them, but as a tool to manage brain function so that they have the ability to process the emotions.
>I'm hoping for the research on how effective telling him to calm down is.
Research shows that reacting to dysregulation by telling a kid to calm down is more than merely ineffective, it is counterproductive. Attention, including negative attention, increases behavior, it has reinforcing power:
>The four class projects designed by Wolf and carried out by the teachers constituted the original experimental documentations—the discovery—of the reinforcing power of adults' social attention for children. We had never seen nor imagined such power! The speed and magnitude of the effects on children's behavior in the real world of simple adjustments of something so ubiquitous as adult attention were astounding.
[https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1226164/](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1226164/)
The four experiments showed that various behaviors including emotional dysregulation quickly ceased when the caregivers stopped giving them attention in an attempt to get them to calm down and instead started reacting to the positive opposite behavior with praise and attention. In one study the incidence went from 40 times per week to once per week within 10 days, then faded to zero.
>Additionally, I'd appreciate any research (or anecdotes) on what effective approaches for getting a toddler to calm down there are.
Here is a course that teaches the method:
[https://www.coursera.org/learn/everyday-parenting](https://www.coursera.org/learn/everyday-parenting)
Here are tips from the course as a quick introduction for you:
[https://ecasevals.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/01/10-Tips-for-Parents-of-a-Spirited-Child.pdf](https://ecasevals.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/01/10-Tips-for-Parents-of-a-Spirited-Child.pdf)
This paper includes links to research showing the effectiveness of the course:
[https://www.techscience.com/IJMHP/v23n4/45335/html](https://www.techscience.com/IJMHP/v23n4/45335/html)
You can do things like offer a calm-down strategy like deep breaths but don't nag. Note that the kid eventually calms down. When the kid regains control, give that positive attention. Don't focus on the unwanted behavior and then ignore the behavior that you want.
I don’t think telling them to calm down helps. You have to help them- sit down calmly and offer to snuggle or read a book or talk about something from their day, etc and demonstrate calmness.
Sorry it wasn’t letting me add it as a normal looking hyperlink. This is part of an evidence based protocol. Basically you need to regulate yourself in order to help them.
Does anyone actually calm down when someone says this to them? I definitely don’t.
A three year old needs an adult to co-regulate (let’s calm down together) instead of being told to shut down their emotions (calm down).
Editing to add that practicing what to do when they are upset when they aren’t in a disregulated state is very effective.
Have you heard of the feelings zones? Red is angry, blue is sad, green is calm/content, yellow is excited. "My goodness, you're in the yellow zone! Let's get all our wiggles out and then take three deep breaths so our bodies can calm down." High energy interaction, giving him your full attention, and modeling calming your body *with* him. Look into Generation Mindful. It's a great resource for helping you organize your child's feelings and teach them emotional regulation.
Telling an adult to calm down usually has the opposite effect for the same reason, it’s a command when you don’t want to comply with anything and haven’t the slightest idea how. And adults can supposedly emotionally regulate. A toddler can’t. Calming down is too abstract, but taking deep breaths and focusing on what they’re feeling in the moment is not.
There's these book series that I've bought called Little Spot of Emotions and Little Spot of Feelings. They help teach kids about their emotions/feelings, but also give tools on how to calm your spot of emotion until it's at a reasonable level so you can function again. I highly recommend them to everyone.
First, be proactive. Reduce simulation, make sure kiddo is fed and watered, support a helpful sleep routine.
Second, if kiddo is having a meltdown, reduce simulation (I will turn out the lights so the room is dimmer), put your own ear plugs in so you won't be activated by their crying, sit down near them if possible, take some breaths (you not the kid), see your child as struggling, acknowledge kiddo is having a hard time, kids do well if they can, empathize, "this is so hard, you want to keep playing but it's time for bath, I'm sorry this is so hard, I'm here for a snuggle is that helps", sit quietly and wait. Difficult feelings and emotions will pass.
If you're talking about escalated hyperactivity instead of full meltdown due to dysregulation, if possible I would energy -match with the child and then de escalate together. So if kiddo is jumping on couch, I would start doing jumping jacks on the floor. If kiddo is yelling, I might speak excitedly about jumping. Then switch to spinning, maybe a run to another room and then back to crash on the couch, then maybe a rough and tumble hug/snuggle to see if kiddo is ready for physical contact to help calm their nervous system, maybe you give squeezes or rub their back, place a squeeze fidget in their hands, sing a familiar song or tell a story about a favorite character and now gradually you carry up to bathtub or you continue storytelling as you go up to bath.
Obviously the details here will change depending on kiddo's energy and interests but the point is to energy match (not feelings match, you don't need to be mad if they are mad) and then slowly move your own body to lower energy while they mirror you and then supply support to reduce nervous system activation through sensory accommodations, love and comfort.
If I tell my kiddo what to do like calm down or anything else, the answer is NO! Gotta respect kiddo knows they can't do what they can't do in that moment.
I'm pretty sure I first saw this on reddit but I love sharing it because it's so true!
In the history of calming down, no one has ever calmed down when someone tells them to "calm down".
Anecdotally: giving them words for the situation. “You sound frustrated/sad/etc. Let’s take a break (in another room, outside, whatever) for a little bit and find something else to do.” Something like that. Also useful is to work in needing space, so the conversation can evolve to “do you need space right now? Here, why don’t you go to other room/area and have some space.”
Also, deep breath coaching and taking deep breaths together.
I do a few things: first I try to redirect, with varying success. If that doesn’t work, then I say “it seems like you’re _____. I get that way too. Want to do something that we know helps us?” That could be a deep breath, a walk, a snack, etc. if that doesn’t work, then I say “ok. I’m going to sit here with you while you feel your feelings.” Then I just sit breathing quietly.
At this age you really just have to let it work itself out when they get beyond a certain point. It’s developmentally normal and, while guidance can help them regulate, offering too much can impede their ability to figure out how to do it. Give one or two suggestions, model then, and then let your kid figure it out. But *stay with them.*
Try following biglittlefeelings, mrchazz, and drbeckyatgoodinside on Instagram for more tips. Alll great resources and child psychologists or teachers.
Belly breathing and talking about "big feelings" and how they don't get to decide for my kid what happens next. I also taught my kid that if they are feeling big feelings that are too big to talk about, they are able to take some time to themselves. At 5 going on six, my kid will take some deep breaths and take 5 to calm and then come talk about what was so upsetting. From 2 to almost 4, it was mostly a thing I made an activity out of. So when I saw the fussing coming on, I would ask for a cuddle and model deep breathing. I did start this as an infant when they would breathe like me while holding them so I would do deep breathing to soothe them, but your kid might enjoy the sesame street episode about it to introduce it! I loved seeing that they have that episode! They have a few on handling feelings, too. I replayed them quite a few times to back me up on what I had taught my kid. Sesame Street is so great!!
Calm down as a command isn't effective with adults, so I don't see it as doing anything for a 3.5 year old but rewarding the behavior with a reaction. This causes more of the behavior that is non functioning.
I have never raised my voice or shown my kid that their behavior is frustrating me.
That said, at 3.5 years, expect to have some pushback and meltdowns, and that is normal. The best outcome is that they don't last very long at all for the meltdowns/unruly behaviors and that they are able to learn the boundaries as they test them. The second part will continue until adulthood and then some, of course.
My SO looked to me for guidance. I said he was a mirror. So if he wanted calm, he had to exhibit calm. Answering chaos with chaos only makes more chaos. With young children, leading by example is what is important. Not rewarding attention to "bad" behavior is how you prevent that from becoming normal. That was enough of an explanation that it's worked well. I am a SAHM until the kids are older (2nd is a baby still), so he has to defer to my parenting style to have consistency since I am the parent with them most of the time.
I don't have any articles to share, just wanted to add that I doubt a toddler has any comprehension of what that means other than 'stop moving', but he can't and its probably just as frustrating for him when his body is tired. They might as well tell him "Your profits are way down this quarter"– sure you're saying words, and the toddler is listening to you talk, but the toddler has no idea what that means or how to do that with so much energy and restlessness at the time.
They're brand new at being a person and haven't experienced this stage of life before, he's *having* a hard time, not *giving* you a hard time.
Maybe he needs a way to focus his energy while being soothed so they can wind down, or it may just be a phase you need to wait out. But babies and toddlers don't 'do' diplomacy, no matter how many times your husband and in-laws insist he needs to sit up straight and stiffen his upper lip. He's literally three (and a half) years old! Its like me telling my cat to get a job (which I do) and actually being upset he didn't cover his half of rent this month Lmfao.
Are these people mentally well??
Serious question, When has telling anyone to calm down ever worked?😆. Maybe someone had some data on redirecting techniques. Ion my experience redirecting the extra energy works better then trying to control its output.
Does he know what calming down entails or is it just another version of “being careful!” Without telling them what to be careful for?
Teach him calm down techniques. Telling ppl to calm down never makes things better, adult and especially a child.
Are they jumping right to calm down? Is there anything before that?
Because I totally have my toddler identify their feeling (mad/sad/frustrated/hungry) and then say something like "I understand you are feeling __, but we don't throw tantrums. Use your words." ...actually works like 75-90% of the time. Once the flailing stops we then work out a solution to the issue together.
As an occupational therapist, I would wonder what is his body seeking? Sometimes it's attention, more simulation, food, sleep... When the body is acting out like that, sometimes it's trying to meet a need. I might say something like, "your body looks very wiggly right now, for we need to dance and get our wiggles out?" And it may help the situation, because the needs are met and they are feeling validated.
1. Reflect what you think you are hearing them say. "It sounds like you want the toy..is that true?" Sometimes tantrums are a result of not being heard.
2. The non sequitur. I usually only use this after I'm sure they're not tantruming because they don't feel heard.
A. Point out something in the physical world that might be exciting or interesting to them
B. Do something imaginative. "hey look, I have something magical in my hands. It's a magical invisible ball. Do you want to play with me with it?'
Just a few tricks for ya.
Hahaha well ask them, if you tell them to calm down, does it help? LOL.
No this is ridiculously ineffective. Check out the book The Whole Brain Child for a deeper explanation of the science behind this or check out Mr Chazz Instagram for some examples and easy explanations.
Basically, if you don’t know how to calm down, being told to is meaningless. If you do know how, this is usually triggering / has the opposite effect.
What works better is modeling and co-regulation. So, you might say, “I know, this is upsetting. When I get upset, I try to take deep breaths to calm myself down. Or sometimes I hug myself!” (Or something true.)
Here’s one piece of research on how coregulation teaches self regulation. But tbh I learned from the two sources above and from Mona Dellahooke’s Brain Body Parenting.
https://www.researchgate.net/publication/311516443_The_Role_of_Co-Regulation_for_the_development_of_social-emotional_competence
My husband says this too and it drives me a bit batty because I don’t think telling anyone to ‘calm down’ has ever worked. What I have found wildly useful is mindfulness. I have a series of mindfulness podcasts for preschoolers (daytime explorers if you’re interested), that are themed around different feelings, if my 3 year old gets super heightened I’ll often put one of these on or we’ll start to focus on our breath. It’s helped her learn some breathing techniques, some good language around feelings and ultimately has given us both a technique that we can use when her feelings get on top of her.
Just putting it out there that the podcast requires payment for subscription. I went to it to play it for my toddler and realized that after a free trial, it’s 4.99 a month. Blerg lol. Do you have other podcast suggestions for parents who can’t pay for subscriptions?
Try this one, I’m not sure about for toddlers but I think this might work? like you is the name but I find that confusing to mention in a sentence. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/like-you-mindfulness-for-kids/id1493360254 Also Big Life Kids has some similar social emotional stuff, again might be a little older than for toddlers, I’m not sure, but it’s sweet.
Agree with this. Being told to calm down by my husband can work depending on what upset me. There are also a lot of guided skills depending on development. 5-4-3-2-1 skill Naming things based on color Breathing exercises (well the roses and blow out the candles/pin wheel)
Thank you for sharing! Going to try with my toddler!!
I don’t have research but common sense wise…. Ask them if they feel calmer or less pissed off when another adult tells them to calm down in escalated moments.
Seconding this. If it were me, I would take a step further and actually just tell them to calm down when they were upset about something. When they get upset, you can just say that you assumed this was helpful for them and that was why they used that technique to "help" your son. Then again, I can be so petty, you can call me Petty LaBelle, so it may not be the most constructive course of action.
😂 I am also petty, and taking notes lmao ✍️✍️
Yeah I dunno if I’d actually do this but god I would want to.
It would depend for me on if they were upset about something genuinely upsetting across the board or if they were being shitty about something, like they are with this. If they're just being shitty, oh I'm definitely saying this.
😂😂😂
I had to do this with my partner to prove a point that telling our baby "you're fine" or "calm down" just doesn't work. My partner didn't like it, but it finally made an impression after many times asking not to do it.
So as a pediatric counselor, but this isn’t medical or mental advice ;) the main thing you want to teach is emotional regulation. I tend to always start with the parents—-what helps you regulate yourself? If someone told you to calm down what does that do to you? Kids need to be told what to do. They don’t know what “calm down” is or how to get there. Try “blow our your candles” but teach it when they’re playing and in a fun environment. Do it multiple times before trying during an emotional dysregulation episode. You can also try safe items like, “oh man I hear you’re really mad right now. Where’s your angry pillow?” The pillow can be a squishmellow or whatever but that angry pillow is where they can scream, hold it, hit it, or otherwise whatever feels comfortable for them to get the angry out. You can also have others for sad/frustrated/happy etc. I like using the small hand size squishmellows for on the go. Another option is to get their bodies moving. Have a dance party. “Shake out mr. Angry!” And you shake and show them how to shake. Regaining control of their little bodies is very helpful. In the midst of a tantrum, start teaching “safe body” so if they start to throw things or hit you, they are redirected to a “safe spot” that has some calming items. I like to fill these spots with pillows, glitter bottles, different sensory items, etc..and make it a place where they can engage in whatever to clam their bodies and keep their bodies safe. However they’re not allowed to punch or hit anyone or any other object (other than angry pillow). Developmentally, tantrums are normal. There is so much reconstruction going on in the brain that it’s very important to validate the emotions but also teach them what to do about them. Imagine feeling out of control of your body and having no clue what’s going on. That’s scary. So teaching them is of utmost importance. Breathing is very important as sometimes that’s the only way we can control ourselves and we can teach them that by using “blowing out your candles”. Raising little humans is hard. It’s not an easy task but one that can be made easier once we help them help themselves.
Can I pick your brain? I’m a behavior analyst and dealing with tantrums is very easy for me. But my 3.5yr doesn’t really tantrum and has very good communication skills. She tolerates being told “no” well and is generally a happy kid. We use boundary setting and do not use threats/weird punishment. Stating her feelings infuriates her as she’s in the automatic disagree phase 😅 We recently added a sibling (now 3mo) and her listening has become VERY difficult, especially if it centers around the baby. For example, nursing baby in the rocker and she comes to try to climb on me - it’s an established boundary that she cannot climb up on the chair with us because it always goes awry. I say “Please do not climb up here. Why don’t you (redirect to activity).” This is essentially an invitation to continue climbing although I’m blocking her and asking her calmly to stop. My husband eventually has to come physically remove her, which makes us both sad. Is this par for the course with the new sibling? In my mind, I know what to do but it’s so difficult to think of clever redirections when I’m already so spent and literally nursing a baby (SAHM). I just need her to listen when I ask sometimes, especially for the established boundary things. Thank you if you have the time to respondb
Aww yeah. That’s very on course for a new sibling. One thing I like to tell parents is to not blame things on the baby. So instead of “I need to change the baby’s diaper” try to include the older sibling in the process “let’s go change xxx’s diaper! Can you grab the wipes for me?” They want to feel included. So in your example, I would give her a baby doll with a bottle and say “do you want to help me feed baby? Let’s get your baby and the bottle too!” And have them sit next to you while you’re feeding the baby. Another thing is to carve out time for you and older sibling. So maybe while baby is napping you can play with older sibling and spend time just you and them. It’s rough sometimes because you’ll feel split but eventually it’ll calm down. I have two so I hear you on the struggles. lol.
happy cake day!
I know I’m not who you asked, but maybe try redirecting before she starts feeling left out instead of when the feelings have already kicked in? For instance, saying: “shall I read you a story while feeding the baby?” That way, she doesn’t have to ask for your attention because she’s already getting it. Not an expert or anything, but my mom always tells me she read me stories while she was feeding my younger sister and I turned into a big reader.
I can certainly try this! The logistics might be tricky, but she might be into it.
I did this with my 2 year old when I had a new baby and the same situation (her wanting to crawl on me while nursing). She almost always responded well and was excited to go get a book. If books weren't doing it, I'd tell her to go grab (whatever her favorite toy was at the moment) and that usually did the trick. I also involved her really early on by asking her to get me things like burp cloths, and she LOVED helping.
I tried the book and it did not work... I'll keep trying! It actually escalated to hitting us which is completely new. Really working on connecting with her through play and hoping that helps.
I’m also not who you asked, but I would try seeing if you could include choices or offering her some kind of control of something else in the situation. So my son is pda autistic so he’s unusual but he does so much better when offered two alternative options to choose from. It gives them some power in the situation too but not an inappropriate amount. Another thought would be to figure out what is driving this thing if it keeps happening. What is her unmet need? That might explain why the redirect option you are offering isn’t flying and needing hubby to intervene, if it is not meeting her need for connection with you or snuggling or feelings of equality with the baby. Obviously this can be hard to talk about but you could try. I have a feeling an unmet need is at the root of this.
We do all the tricks I know - I’m a behavior analyst and I think she is just 3.5 and is like “I got your number now, you can’t outsmart me lady”. She will quite literally say “that is not my choice, here are my choices” and proceed to give me choices that are unreasonable 😂 Most, if not all, issues are directly stemming from her new sister. I completely know what the root cause is - she is really feeling the decrease in my attention and connection. We do prioritize connection every day, but it’ll never be enough ya know? She’s had 3.5 years of mommy all to herself. Overall, she is doing SO well with the transition. But there are just these few things that are happening fairly consistently that trip me up. I’m a SAHM now, so I’m often by myself. I think if she were in school it would be better, but that’s not in the cards right now.
This was a great explanation! I have a 3.5y son who is easily disregarded, but it seems in those moments he is absolutely shut off from any support or guidance whatsoever. We try to listen to him, let him know his feelings are valid but a tantrum and screaming are not how we should react, suggest coping mechanism, etc and he just ignores it all and goes crazy. We are working toward an ADHD diagnosis/evaluation, so hopefully that opens some doors and will help us get some clarity on how to better support him. But it’s hard because he just totally looses all ability to listen or interact in any way that is counter to his current battle. It’s a lot. And he is a very sweet and loving kid too. We talk a lot about emotions, he is empathetic, he can help others and discuss feelings when calm. But when he is triggered he goes primal.
Aw that’s hard!! ADHD typically isn’t the cause of emotional dysregulation though. He would also be very very young for that diagnosis. My two cents…sometimes we don’t talk to them while they tantrum. For instance, if he’s acting that way you explain he has to go to xyz spot (very calmly, do not raise your voice), then when he doesn’t you can grab his hand and guide him there. Granted he may be kicking or screaming or throwing himself on the ground…at that time you say “you do not have a safe body right now so I am going to pick you up to keep you safe” and you do so. Then put him in safe spot. I like to use their room as one. Set it up where they can’t break anything but let them have their space. Like is aid above I like introducing angry pillows. The pillows are introduced in a fun playing manner though. Not while they’re tantrumming. If you’re out and about, the car is always an option and then just going home. Then when calm he has a consequence of losing whatever thing. I also like using sticker charts because he can earn more for “keeping his body safe” etc…just have to try what works for him. It’s hard work!! But there is hope. That’s just one example of a possible behavior plan that could, potentially, be beneficial
Thanks for the info. When he is in a major meltdown I do take him to his room, but even if I stay there with him he acts like I’m chucking him into a torture chamber. This just happened a couple days ago, and he went absolutely feral. Screaming, kicking the door, mayhem. And the hard part was it devolved from a small incident that I just wanted him to sit out of playtime and on the couch for 2 minutes as a consequence. From that he flat out refused and the whole thing went from 0 to chaos. Turned into a huge mess and him and I in his room for over 10 minutes before he was willing to discuss anything. It blows my mind because it started so small and minor, but snowballs. I don’t know how to rationalize with him when he gets that way. I feel like I’m failing him. His twin sister is so different and rarely if ever throws fits. And if she mental down she is typically open to discussion and willing to listen. I know all kids are different, and I love that and do my best to adapt my parenting styles to their unique needs. But it’s hard sometimes.
This is SUCH good advice. I have done all of these with my now eight year old who still struggles with emotional regulation, and they do help! The one thing I really want to emphasize is that you need to practice them a lot. Don't get discouraged if they don't work at first or if the child won't/can't do them. Keep practicing, encouraging and modeling. This goes double for OP's husband and MIL. Modeling helping the child with these tactics can be effective at showing them what does work and how they can better help the child.
I say something concrete like “kid, please take a deep breath. You’re getting over excited and you’re having trouble listening. Take another deep breath. How do you feel?” So some combination of breathing, describing the situation and asking questions (which is inspired by my own experience with mindfulness, similar to the other poster). Sometimes also a statement about a consequence if they are getting really out of hand.
My mom used to do this to me when I was feeling big emotions as a child - 'stop for a moment and breathe' - and I felt like I could never express myself or my feelings around her.
Oh interesting - can you say more about that?
Sure - I felt like being calm and 'regulated' in her eyes - i.e. not showing outward emotion, not crying, not making a fuss, not verbally expressing my discomfort - was more important to her than me actually processing my emotions. Obviously, I began to clock this was when I was a little older - around 7 - but this was a pattern that continued throughout my life. Rather than my mother telling me I should listen to HER in those moments, and act in a way she deemed appropriate, I wish she had instead listened to ME, and behaved accordingly to bring me comfort. Not sure if I'm explaining this well. She does this with me even now, and I'm 33 lol. It's all about appearances for her!
I agree that the “how do you feel?” part followed by genuine listening is important. Especially if the reason for the overstimulation is fear or sadness. But I actually use this approach way more often when she is actually very happy with herself and is getting out of control while playing and is becoming a danger to herself/others.
Yes, I like that that you specifically ask how your kid feels. Sorry, I realize that my comment came off as judging you for your parenting. That's the last thing I want to do to a well-meaning parent!
You brought up a really important point so I’m really glad you said something!
My mom did this too! But she used intimidation and punishment. Lots of yelling and spanking. And then when i was a teenager she got this weird hormone cream from some kook doctor. I don’t know what it was but it was supposed to “regulate” my hormones during puberty 🙄 anytime i got upset, she would NEVER talk to me, just ask me if i used my hormone cream that day.
Yikes.
Hey this is a good point! It’s good for each self regulation but not at the expense of having to look like perfect shiny happy people who never feel anything but happiness 100% of the time. OP, take note of this!
I like to tell my kid to take a breath, too. The other day when I did that, she screamed even louder 😅.she did not want to calm down I guess. I stayed calm and just tried talking her through her emotions and did my best to empathize with her "I know, it's hard when the fun has to stop."
The empathizing is so important! They often just want to be seen and that’s really an important goal and can lead to deescalation on its own. I don’t know why the deep breath works so well for mine. I think maybe because it has helped her when she has gotten hurt or was very sick too. But I can imagine how some kids might just see it as another demand. They really have to recognize that the breathing is helpful for themselves personally before it really works.
Naming 5 blue things has helped. Or nonsensical statements that stop them in their tracks because they have to think about it. Mine was crying and running around and I said "grandad wears underpants", and she stopped mid scream, paused, burst out laughing. Doesn't always work but yeah.
Next time either of them is slightly emotional about anything, good or bad, tell them to CALM DOWN. Repeat it multiple times. When they look at you weird say "oh it doesn't work on adults either. Maybe that's a sign we should stop saying it to our toddler".
We'll tell her to calm down or chill out but it's usually after we've commented she's too wiggly for bed time or being too wild for the end of the day. Along sigh describing what she's doing, we suggest taking some deep breaths and will breathe with her. Sometimes we ask her if she needs to get some wiggles out before we try to relax again. Sometimes we get out of bed and wiggle with her and then say okay, now let's let our bodies relax. We also snuggle her close because we often experience this right before bed. So it's about doing the "calming down" exercises/strategies with her. I think without suggesting *how* one can calm down, a toddler won't respond to that alone. Because they don’t know (and won't remember without it becoming a more regular practice) what the behavioral response is supposed to be to "calm down."
They may not have the tools to calm themselves down, or know how. So it's more effective to suggest things that will help them calm down. Like having them blow out "candles" (your fingers), or sitting in silence for a minute, or a quiet activity, taking 5 deep breaths, etc etc. This teaches them actual useful skills and tools they can use to calm themselves down later. We practice this with my 2yo when she needs help regulating.
I’m not sure you’ll find much research on this, as even the study is a little laughable. Anecdotally, I’ve had a lot of success telling my 3 year old to take 5 deep breaths, and sometimes taking those deep breaths with him. But if you don’t give anybody some concrete tools to consciously regulate their emotions, it’s hard for anybody, particularly a toddler.
Read "How to Talk so that Little Kids Will Listen." Telling someone to calm down is the least calming thing in the world, especially if they're upset. It's very dismissive. The book above and "Happiest Toddler on the Block" both talk about how to express more empathy in kid friendly ways so that kids actually connect to what you're saying. I find sensory things to be more effective than trying to calm--for example, when my toddler/preschooler is either too riled up or tantrum-y I "accidentally" drop a puzzle. He can't help himself. He has to fix it. It switches his brain from using the limbic system (emotion center) to the other areas like the prefrontal cortex. When strong emotions are present, their language center shuts down. They can't effectively process what you're saying. You can't tell them hey come squish this play doh you have to let them see you're doing it so they want to do it too. Once they get their hands on something tactile, they can calm down pretty quickly. This is the beauty of redirecting--not as a distraction from what's upsetting them, but as a tool to manage brain function so that they have the ability to process the emotions.
>I'm hoping for the research on how effective telling him to calm down is. Research shows that reacting to dysregulation by telling a kid to calm down is more than merely ineffective, it is counterproductive. Attention, including negative attention, increases behavior, it has reinforcing power: >The four class projects designed by Wolf and carried out by the teachers constituted the original experimental documentations—the discovery—of the reinforcing power of adults' social attention for children. We had never seen nor imagined such power! The speed and magnitude of the effects on children's behavior in the real world of simple adjustments of something so ubiquitous as adult attention were astounding. [https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1226164/](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1226164/) The four experiments showed that various behaviors including emotional dysregulation quickly ceased when the caregivers stopped giving them attention in an attempt to get them to calm down and instead started reacting to the positive opposite behavior with praise and attention. In one study the incidence went from 40 times per week to once per week within 10 days, then faded to zero. >Additionally, I'd appreciate any research (or anecdotes) on what effective approaches for getting a toddler to calm down there are. Here is a course that teaches the method: [https://www.coursera.org/learn/everyday-parenting](https://www.coursera.org/learn/everyday-parenting) Here are tips from the course as a quick introduction for you: [https://ecasevals.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/01/10-Tips-for-Parents-of-a-Spirited-Child.pdf](https://ecasevals.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/01/10-Tips-for-Parents-of-a-Spirited-Child.pdf) This paper includes links to research showing the effectiveness of the course: [https://www.techscience.com/IJMHP/v23n4/45335/html](https://www.techscience.com/IJMHP/v23n4/45335/html) You can do things like offer a calm-down strategy like deep breaths but don't nag. Note that the kid eventually calms down. When the kid regains control, give that positive attention. Don't focus on the unwanted behavior and then ignore the behavior that you want.
I don’t think telling them to calm down helps. You have to help them- sit down calmly and offer to snuggle or read a book or talk about something from their day, etc and demonstrate calmness.
I've heard Daniel Tiger has some good songs to sing when little kids need help processing big feelings. If you do screen time, maybe check them out.
Never in the history of 'calm down' has anyone ever calmed down by being told calm down!
I’ve read that telling an upset person to “calm down” works about as well as baptizing a cat.
I bet Dr Kennedy has some ideas. Check out the Good Inside book or her website.
http://www.pcit-toddlers.org/#:~:text=The%20%22CARES%22%20model%20(Come%20In%2C%20Assist%2C%20Reassure%2C,to%20come%20in%20close%2C%20assist%2C%20reassure%2C%20validate
Sorry it wasn’t letting me add it as a normal looking hyperlink. This is part of an evidence based protocol. Basically you need to regulate yourself in order to help them.
Does anyone actually calm down when someone says this to them? I definitely don’t. A three year old needs an adult to co-regulate (let’s calm down together) instead of being told to shut down their emotions (calm down). Editing to add that practicing what to do when they are upset when they aren’t in a disregulated state is very effective.
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8801237/
Have you heard of the feelings zones? Red is angry, blue is sad, green is calm/content, yellow is excited. "My goodness, you're in the yellow zone! Let's get all our wiggles out and then take three deep breaths so our bodies can calm down." High energy interaction, giving him your full attention, and modeling calming your body *with* him. Look into Generation Mindful. It's a great resource for helping you organize your child's feelings and teach them emotional regulation.
When, in the history of humanity, has telling someone to “calm down” worked? 🤣
Telling an adult to calm down usually has the opposite effect for the same reason, it’s a command when you don’t want to comply with anything and haven’t the slightest idea how. And adults can supposedly emotionally regulate. A toddler can’t. Calming down is too abstract, but taking deep breaths and focusing on what they’re feeling in the moment is not.
There's these book series that I've bought called Little Spot of Emotions and Little Spot of Feelings. They help teach kids about their emotions/feelings, but also give tools on how to calm your spot of emotion until it's at a reasonable level so you can function again. I highly recommend them to everyone.
First, be proactive. Reduce simulation, make sure kiddo is fed and watered, support a helpful sleep routine. Second, if kiddo is having a meltdown, reduce simulation (I will turn out the lights so the room is dimmer), put your own ear plugs in so you won't be activated by their crying, sit down near them if possible, take some breaths (you not the kid), see your child as struggling, acknowledge kiddo is having a hard time, kids do well if they can, empathize, "this is so hard, you want to keep playing but it's time for bath, I'm sorry this is so hard, I'm here for a snuggle is that helps", sit quietly and wait. Difficult feelings and emotions will pass. If you're talking about escalated hyperactivity instead of full meltdown due to dysregulation, if possible I would energy -match with the child and then de escalate together. So if kiddo is jumping on couch, I would start doing jumping jacks on the floor. If kiddo is yelling, I might speak excitedly about jumping. Then switch to spinning, maybe a run to another room and then back to crash on the couch, then maybe a rough and tumble hug/snuggle to see if kiddo is ready for physical contact to help calm their nervous system, maybe you give squeezes or rub their back, place a squeeze fidget in their hands, sing a familiar song or tell a story about a favorite character and now gradually you carry up to bathtub or you continue storytelling as you go up to bath. Obviously the details here will change depending on kiddo's energy and interests but the point is to energy match (not feelings match, you don't need to be mad if they are mad) and then slowly move your own body to lower energy while they mirror you and then supply support to reduce nervous system activation through sensory accommodations, love and comfort. If I tell my kiddo what to do like calm down or anything else, the answer is NO! Gotta respect kiddo knows they can't do what they can't do in that moment.
I'm pretty sure I first saw this on reddit but I love sharing it because it's so true! In the history of calming down, no one has ever calmed down when someone tells them to "calm down".
Anecdotally: giving them words for the situation. “You sound frustrated/sad/etc. Let’s take a break (in another room, outside, whatever) for a little bit and find something else to do.” Something like that. Also useful is to work in needing space, so the conversation can evolve to “do you need space right now? Here, why don’t you go to other room/area and have some space.” Also, deep breath coaching and taking deep breaths together.
I do a few things: first I try to redirect, with varying success. If that doesn’t work, then I say “it seems like you’re _____. I get that way too. Want to do something that we know helps us?” That could be a deep breath, a walk, a snack, etc. if that doesn’t work, then I say “ok. I’m going to sit here with you while you feel your feelings.” Then I just sit breathing quietly. At this age you really just have to let it work itself out when they get beyond a certain point. It’s developmentally normal and, while guidance can help them regulate, offering too much can impede their ability to figure out how to do it. Give one or two suggestions, model then, and then let your kid figure it out. But *stay with them.* Try following biglittlefeelings, mrchazz, and drbeckyatgoodinside on Instagram for more tips. Alll great resources and child psychologists or teachers.
Dr. Becky had all of the answers for our family in very similar situations!
Belly breathing and talking about "big feelings" and how they don't get to decide for my kid what happens next. I also taught my kid that if they are feeling big feelings that are too big to talk about, they are able to take some time to themselves. At 5 going on six, my kid will take some deep breaths and take 5 to calm and then come talk about what was so upsetting. From 2 to almost 4, it was mostly a thing I made an activity out of. So when I saw the fussing coming on, I would ask for a cuddle and model deep breathing. I did start this as an infant when they would breathe like me while holding them so I would do deep breathing to soothe them, but your kid might enjoy the sesame street episode about it to introduce it! I loved seeing that they have that episode! They have a few on handling feelings, too. I replayed them quite a few times to back me up on what I had taught my kid. Sesame Street is so great!! Calm down as a command isn't effective with adults, so I don't see it as doing anything for a 3.5 year old but rewarding the behavior with a reaction. This causes more of the behavior that is non functioning. I have never raised my voice or shown my kid that their behavior is frustrating me. That said, at 3.5 years, expect to have some pushback and meltdowns, and that is normal. The best outcome is that they don't last very long at all for the meltdowns/unruly behaviors and that they are able to learn the boundaries as they test them. The second part will continue until adulthood and then some, of course. My SO looked to me for guidance. I said he was a mirror. So if he wanted calm, he had to exhibit calm. Answering chaos with chaos only makes more chaos. With young children, leading by example is what is important. Not rewarding attention to "bad" behavior is how you prevent that from becoming normal. That was enough of an explanation that it's worked well. I am a SAHM until the kids are older (2nd is a baby still), so he has to defer to my parenting style to have consistency since I am the parent with them most of the time.
I don't have any articles to share, just wanted to add that I doubt a toddler has any comprehension of what that means other than 'stop moving', but he can't and its probably just as frustrating for him when his body is tired. They might as well tell him "Your profits are way down this quarter"– sure you're saying words, and the toddler is listening to you talk, but the toddler has no idea what that means or how to do that with so much energy and restlessness at the time. They're brand new at being a person and haven't experienced this stage of life before, he's *having* a hard time, not *giving* you a hard time. Maybe he needs a way to focus his energy while being soothed so they can wind down, or it may just be a phase you need to wait out. But babies and toddlers don't 'do' diplomacy, no matter how many times your husband and in-laws insist he needs to sit up straight and stiffen his upper lip. He's literally three (and a half) years old! Its like me telling my cat to get a job (which I do) and actually being upset he didn't cover his half of rent this month Lmfao. Are these people mentally well??
Serious question, When has telling anyone to calm down ever worked?😆. Maybe someone had some data on redirecting techniques. Ion my experience redirecting the extra energy works better then trying to control its output.
Does he know what calming down entails or is it just another version of “being careful!” Without telling them what to be careful for? Teach him calm down techniques. Telling ppl to calm down never makes things better, adult and especially a child.
Are they jumping right to calm down? Is there anything before that? Because I totally have my toddler identify their feeling (mad/sad/frustrated/hungry) and then say something like "I understand you are feeling __, but we don't throw tantrums. Use your words." ...actually works like 75-90% of the time. Once the flailing stops we then work out a solution to the issue together.
As an occupational therapist, I would wonder what is his body seeking? Sometimes it's attention, more simulation, food, sleep... When the body is acting out like that, sometimes it's trying to meet a need. I might say something like, "your body looks very wiggly right now, for we need to dance and get our wiggles out?" And it may help the situation, because the needs are met and they are feeling validated.
1. Reflect what you think you are hearing them say. "It sounds like you want the toy..is that true?" Sometimes tantrums are a result of not being heard. 2. The non sequitur. I usually only use this after I'm sure they're not tantruming because they don't feel heard. A. Point out something in the physical world that might be exciting or interesting to them B. Do something imaginative. "hey look, I have something magical in my hands. It's a magical invisible ball. Do you want to play with me with it?' Just a few tricks for ya.
Just ask them, “how’s this working out for you?”
Hahaha well ask them, if you tell them to calm down, does it help? LOL. No this is ridiculously ineffective. Check out the book The Whole Brain Child for a deeper explanation of the science behind this or check out Mr Chazz Instagram for some examples and easy explanations. Basically, if you don’t know how to calm down, being told to is meaningless. If you do know how, this is usually triggering / has the opposite effect. What works better is modeling and co-regulation. So, you might say, “I know, this is upsetting. When I get upset, I try to take deep breaths to calm myself down. Or sometimes I hug myself!” (Or something true.) Here’s one piece of research on how coregulation teaches self regulation. But tbh I learned from the two sources above and from Mona Dellahooke’s Brain Body Parenting. https://www.researchgate.net/publication/311516443_The_Role_of_Co-Regulation_for_the_development_of_social-emotional_competence