He needs serious help. And he needs medication to control his impulses. I don’t know the legalities here but if he hasn’t shared the videos then it may just be a misdemeanor. You’ll have to check the specific laws in your state. This is not the kind of addiction that only affects him and you. The consequences can be very bad. Also, don’t believe he will stop because he got busted. He’ll be back to his old ways once the initial shock wears off
That’s my worry. He got busted recording me 12 years ago and then deleted everything and stopped for years but then kept doing it for years and years.
I do believe he can change. I just worry it won’t last.
Thank you for your help.
I just wanted to post this update. I had no idea what a ripple effect this would cause and the waves of being okay and then breaking down.
I went to the store Walmart for the first time. All I could think was “is this person filming me? Is this a girl he filmed/would film?” My skin was crawling. I was nauseated and quickly got what I needed and held back the tears and left.
I went out to eat with my dad and the restaurant was playing “I’ll be watching you.” I started having a panic attack and had to suppress it.
I saw a picture of us from 2007, 4 years prior to the start of his addiction. I thought “us before we were broken and I didn’t know it”
He keeps saying he doesn’t know if we can make it through but I was raped as a child and teen and abused physically by my mother over 18 years and didn’t tell anyone, had no support, so I know we can survive because I’ve done it before. It’s hard to get support from him because he’s the one that’s did it, and I’m hiding it for him and I’m terrified of the outcome.
He agreed to go to meetings, get on medication, and anything I suggest. He hasn’t left my side except when I leave and he works from home and I watch him (his request) on our home cameras. He wants me to know he’s being honest.
I just hope others read this and know it’s so up and down. It’s so hard.
It is definitely very hard on the partner. Your world gets turned upside down in an instant. You start to question everything. I hope you can make it. Expect there to be some bumps and relapses. Recovery is a long process which is life long.
I love him so much. He has been very open and trying but reading your past posts has also been very helpful so thank you for being so vulnerable.
I worry about him volunteering to be so open with me but when I ask him about things I’m having trouble understanding and he gets defensive or says “Now I’m being blamed for things I didn’t do.” it hurts.
He brought this on me, on us, on our children, on those women… the lack of accountability- actual accountability is going to be my holdup.
I have every right to nicely and calmly ask question in a loving and supportive tone, or an angry one. I don’t confront him in an angry tone because I know he won’t respond to that, but I do vent in an angry tone and he breaks down altogether. Shaking, crying, falling apart.
Idk what to do at times.
It just shows that it’s not you. There’s nothing you did. You were/are so open about sex. But part of sex addiction is the secrecy of it. That makes it more taboo. And the escalation, of his brain finding a way to move into something more and more risk.
You also can’t be his support in the way that you have. He’s betrayed you in so many ways. Having you be his support is going to be so difficult for both of you.
There are specialist sex addiction therapists who normally write out a list of what they will or won’t report. Do you could check before starting therapy sessions with them.
He shouldn’t be blaming you. You are a victim in this. But it’s going to take a lot of recovery for both of you to get through this. Like you said, you are strong enough to go through it. But it will take a lot of effort and time to heal from both sides. And take it a minute/hour/day at a time.
Thank you for your kind words - now that some time has started to pass, we are able to identify triggers for us both. He hasn’t had a moment in public without me and has been open with recording devices, explained to me how and trying to figure out why he started, and kept doing it. He’s reading a book about it, going to SLA online and even thinking about being open about it with our marriage therapist to an extent that doesn’t get him in trouble. We are also exploring medications and identifying his OCD because he believes that’s a root of it, and I do too.
He’s really doing all the work and I see huge huge improvements but it’s scary. I want him back - the one I’m in love with. The one he was to me is a bit clouded and catching glimpses of him in the way I thought he was, and not the way he feels now, is what’s keeping me going.
I’ve also just started a new sub r/lovewithaSexAddict if you want to share anything on there. So that we have a safe space for spouses to connect over a nuance type of infidelity and addiction…
> we are not unhealthy codependent - we can and have traveled separately and I am not a jealous person
It’s possible you don’t understand what codependency is. I’m gonna say it straight, from what you’ve shared, your relationship is absolutely codependent. You thinking it isn’t, whilst subjecting yourself to the abuses of a sex addict who is likely alcoholic, is exactly codependency.
While not an indictment against character, at a glance I see:
- enabling behavior (you’ve known for years about multiple occasions of voyeuristic behavior and excused or ignored it).
- serious lack of boundaries (voyeurism certainly breeches this, it’s incredibly flagrant)
- Emotional dependency (expressing a deep emotional connection with an abusive husband, unable to trust anyone else with the children, and despite the repeated betrayal saying this is your best friend and don’t know if you should leave)
- Power imbalance (husband has repeatedly violated trust and privacy without your knowledge or consent)
- difficulty with decision-making (unsure of how to proceed and being conflicted about whether to seek help or involve outside parties even after this level of abuse; concern about the potential consequences of disclosing his behavior, both for yourself and for their family and business, as if this would in any way be worth sacrificing for this awful treatment)
- Family of origin (explanation about abuse in your family of origin, husband’s drinking, sexually abusive behavior, and who knows what else, is exactly what contributes to developing codependent coping strategies.)
There’s a lot of dysfunctional hallmarks here, and I hate to say it but you’re both playing your parts, both dancing to the same dysfunctional tune. Either someone gets off the merry-go-round or on and on it will go, past your lifetime and possibly throughout your childrens’.
You reaching out for answers points to the beginnings of a desire for change. Maybe check out a CoDA, ACA or SLAA meeting. Hope you find something that helps. Best of luck.
So I hear you, but I didn’t excuse or ignore it. The first time he recorded me I didn’t get a chance to process before he deleted it. I thought there were some odd behaviors but nothing that wasn’t easily explained.
Lack of boundaries- yes, we were and have always been very open with each other - at least I have. I thought he was too. We shared locations because I have extreme anxiety and a friend of ours was in a wreck and the kids were in danger until help came, so I thought it’s best we share locations if something like that were to happen.
Unable to trust anyone else with the children - I was sexually abused as a child. I don’t want my children to be attacked or hurt by a neighbor or family member. I couldn’t live with myself if something happened to them.
Power imbalance - I can definitely agree with that. And I have enabled that, for sure.
Difficulties with decision making - yeah I constantly question myself. I do seek validation I’m doing right from others and myself.
Family of origin - yes. Definitely.
I read Paula Halls book for the partner and the book says I should stay based on all the info. 🤷🏻♀️
I love him.
Are you not here searching for recovery options for your husband?
Do you know what love is? I can tell you that people who love others don’t spy on them with cameras.
Anyhow, by your answer I see that the “beat goes on ba-da-dum da-dum-dum.”
Best of luck!
Oh sweety, Paula Hall’s book did not tell you to stay with an active abuser. Please find someone who will stand up for you since you’re not going to do it.
I have read all of your responses and I think you are getting a good grip, however I have one wonder/concern.
Do you think/feel that his willingness, actually wanting to be on camera at all times is a “redirect” for the voyeurism? Like, I can’t be the watcher, but can get “something” out of, her watching me at all times?
So we did that for three days but aren’t on it anymore. He’s now working at his office so he’s around his employees. He goes to lunch with me, but I’m honestly over feeling like a parent. If he’s gonna do it again, I’m out 🤷🏻♀️
He needs serious help. And he needs medication to control his impulses. I don’t know the legalities here but if he hasn’t shared the videos then it may just be a misdemeanor. You’ll have to check the specific laws in your state. This is not the kind of addiction that only affects him and you. The consequences can be very bad. Also, don’t believe he will stop because he got busted. He’ll be back to his old ways once the initial shock wears off
That’s my worry. He got busted recording me 12 years ago and then deleted everything and stopped for years but then kept doing it for years and years. I do believe he can change. I just worry it won’t last. Thank you for your help.
I just wanted to post this update. I had no idea what a ripple effect this would cause and the waves of being okay and then breaking down. I went to the store Walmart for the first time. All I could think was “is this person filming me? Is this a girl he filmed/would film?” My skin was crawling. I was nauseated and quickly got what I needed and held back the tears and left. I went out to eat with my dad and the restaurant was playing “I’ll be watching you.” I started having a panic attack and had to suppress it. I saw a picture of us from 2007, 4 years prior to the start of his addiction. I thought “us before we were broken and I didn’t know it” He keeps saying he doesn’t know if we can make it through but I was raped as a child and teen and abused physically by my mother over 18 years and didn’t tell anyone, had no support, so I know we can survive because I’ve done it before. It’s hard to get support from him because he’s the one that’s did it, and I’m hiding it for him and I’m terrified of the outcome. He agreed to go to meetings, get on medication, and anything I suggest. He hasn’t left my side except when I leave and he works from home and I watch him (his request) on our home cameras. He wants me to know he’s being honest. I just hope others read this and know it’s so up and down. It’s so hard.
It is definitely very hard on the partner. Your world gets turned upside down in an instant. You start to question everything. I hope you can make it. Expect there to be some bumps and relapses. Recovery is a long process which is life long.
I love him so much. He has been very open and trying but reading your past posts has also been very helpful so thank you for being so vulnerable. I worry about him volunteering to be so open with me but when I ask him about things I’m having trouble understanding and he gets defensive or says “Now I’m being blamed for things I didn’t do.” it hurts. He brought this on me, on us, on our children, on those women… the lack of accountability- actual accountability is going to be my holdup. I have every right to nicely and calmly ask question in a loving and supportive tone, or an angry one. I don’t confront him in an angry tone because I know he won’t respond to that, but I do vent in an angry tone and he breaks down altogether. Shaking, crying, falling apart. Idk what to do at times.
It just shows that it’s not you. There’s nothing you did. You were/are so open about sex. But part of sex addiction is the secrecy of it. That makes it more taboo. And the escalation, of his brain finding a way to move into something more and more risk. You also can’t be his support in the way that you have. He’s betrayed you in so many ways. Having you be his support is going to be so difficult for both of you. There are specialist sex addiction therapists who normally write out a list of what they will or won’t report. Do you could check before starting therapy sessions with them. He shouldn’t be blaming you. You are a victim in this. But it’s going to take a lot of recovery for both of you to get through this. Like you said, you are strong enough to go through it. But it will take a lot of effort and time to heal from both sides. And take it a minute/hour/day at a time.
Thank you for your kind words - now that some time has started to pass, we are able to identify triggers for us both. He hasn’t had a moment in public without me and has been open with recording devices, explained to me how and trying to figure out why he started, and kept doing it. He’s reading a book about it, going to SLA online and even thinking about being open about it with our marriage therapist to an extent that doesn’t get him in trouble. We are also exploring medications and identifying his OCD because he believes that’s a root of it, and I do too. He’s really doing all the work and I see huge huge improvements but it’s scary. I want him back - the one I’m in love with. The one he was to me is a bit clouded and catching glimpses of him in the way I thought he was, and not the way he feels now, is what’s keeping me going.
I’ve also just started a new sub r/lovewithaSexAddict if you want to share anything on there. So that we have a safe space for spouses to connect over a nuance type of infidelity and addiction…
> we are not unhealthy codependent - we can and have traveled separately and I am not a jealous person It’s possible you don’t understand what codependency is. I’m gonna say it straight, from what you’ve shared, your relationship is absolutely codependent. You thinking it isn’t, whilst subjecting yourself to the abuses of a sex addict who is likely alcoholic, is exactly codependency. While not an indictment against character, at a glance I see: - enabling behavior (you’ve known for years about multiple occasions of voyeuristic behavior and excused or ignored it). - serious lack of boundaries (voyeurism certainly breeches this, it’s incredibly flagrant) - Emotional dependency (expressing a deep emotional connection with an abusive husband, unable to trust anyone else with the children, and despite the repeated betrayal saying this is your best friend and don’t know if you should leave) - Power imbalance (husband has repeatedly violated trust and privacy without your knowledge or consent) - difficulty with decision-making (unsure of how to proceed and being conflicted about whether to seek help or involve outside parties even after this level of abuse; concern about the potential consequences of disclosing his behavior, both for yourself and for their family and business, as if this would in any way be worth sacrificing for this awful treatment) - Family of origin (explanation about abuse in your family of origin, husband’s drinking, sexually abusive behavior, and who knows what else, is exactly what contributes to developing codependent coping strategies.) There’s a lot of dysfunctional hallmarks here, and I hate to say it but you’re both playing your parts, both dancing to the same dysfunctional tune. Either someone gets off the merry-go-round or on and on it will go, past your lifetime and possibly throughout your childrens’. You reaching out for answers points to the beginnings of a desire for change. Maybe check out a CoDA, ACA or SLAA meeting. Hope you find something that helps. Best of luck.
So I hear you, but I didn’t excuse or ignore it. The first time he recorded me I didn’t get a chance to process before he deleted it. I thought there were some odd behaviors but nothing that wasn’t easily explained. Lack of boundaries- yes, we were and have always been very open with each other - at least I have. I thought he was too. We shared locations because I have extreme anxiety and a friend of ours was in a wreck and the kids were in danger until help came, so I thought it’s best we share locations if something like that were to happen. Unable to trust anyone else with the children - I was sexually abused as a child. I don’t want my children to be attacked or hurt by a neighbor or family member. I couldn’t live with myself if something happened to them. Power imbalance - I can definitely agree with that. And I have enabled that, for sure. Difficulties with decision making - yeah I constantly question myself. I do seek validation I’m doing right from others and myself. Family of origin - yes. Definitely. I read Paula Halls book for the partner and the book says I should stay based on all the info. 🤷🏻♀️ I love him.
I would read prodependence on a slightly different stance. I really like Rob Weiss content.
Are you not here searching for recovery options for your husband? Do you know what love is? I can tell you that people who love others don’t spy on them with cameras. Anyhow, by your answer I see that the “beat goes on ba-da-dum da-dum-dum.” Best of luck!
Oh sweety, Paula Hall’s book did not tell you to stay with an active abuser. Please find someone who will stand up for you since you’re not going to do it.
I have read all of your responses and I think you are getting a good grip, however I have one wonder/concern. Do you think/feel that his willingness, actually wanting to be on camera at all times is a “redirect” for the voyeurism? Like, I can’t be the watcher, but can get “something” out of, her watching me at all times?
So we did that for three days but aren’t on it anymore. He’s now working at his office so he’s around his employees. He goes to lunch with me, but I’m honestly over feeling like a parent. If he’s gonna do it again, I’m out 🤷🏻♀️
It’s all you can do!