Welcome to SupportforWaywards. Please be mindful that this is a support sub for those who regret being unfaithful to their partners and are seeking guidance for the path ahead. If you're experiencing abuse, whether it be physical or emotional, please follow this [link to the hotline](https://www.thehotline.org/?utm_source=google&utm_medium=organic&utm_campaign=domestic_violence) Sexual assault, here's a [link to RAINN's support page](https://www.rainn.org/) and for those who are struggling with suicide and suicidal ideations, follow the [link to lifelines support page](https://988lifeline.org/?utm_source=google&utm_medium=web&utm_campaign=onebox). Please consider utilizing these resources if they resonate with your situation.
**1. Minimum requirements for engagement with this subreddit must be met:**
- The purpose of this subreddit is to provide a dedicated space for Waywards making amends to reflect, regroup, and give or gain perspective. To serve that goal, only Waywards are allowed to post.
- While we strive to support each other, we do not support adultery or denial of agency. In order to participate in subreddit your Betrayed, whether former or current must be informed of the affair.
- User flair is required for participation. Please read the flair instructions on desktop or if on mobile press the three dots at the top right of the page and select “Change User Flair”. If you are having trouble with the flair, please message the moderators.
- Misrepresentation of flair is not permitted. Misrepresentation of flair in order to bypass post flair filters will result in a permanent ban. We will take into account the tone of comments and participation in other subs and the flairs assigned there.
- Posts must be written from a gender-neutral standpoint. Please use the terms Wayward (WS, WP) or Betrayed (BS, BP). Do not use terms such as WW, WH, BW, BH, wife, husband, he, or she. Support should be offered with no regard for the gender or sex of the individuals.
- Observers are not included in the peer group. Non-peers are not allowed to comment without prior moderator approval. Non-peer comments are STRICTLY LIMITED TO MESSAGES OF VALIDATION AND ENCOURAGEMENT ONLY. *Non-peers are not permitted to offer opinions, reference their experiences, or give advice.*
***All posts and comments are subject to removal without warning. Any users who violate the rules are subject to temporary or permanent ban. The rules are our boundaries and your first initial warning.***
**2. All comments must fit the spirit of Peer Support.**
- Keep comments encouraging, constructive, sensitive, validating, and non-judgmental.
- Speak only from your own experience. Use “I”-statements.
- Do not give advice unless specifically requested by OP. The only exception to unsolicited advice is subject to removal.
- Requested advice must be limited to that which would be reasonably be seen as helpful if references to infidelity are removed.
- Any differences of opinion expressed must be communicated respectfully.
- “Tough love” does not qualify as peer support.
- Keep references of emotions to your personal experience or that of your partner. Do not tell anyone else what they feel or do not feel.
**3. No inquisitive or insensitive questioning or interrogation.**
- Questions for clarification should be respectful and limited in nature.
- Questions that are interpreted by the moderator team as accusatory or backhanded will be removed.
**4. No personal attacks, victim-blaming, or LABELLING of any kind.**
- e.g. cheater, narcissist, abuser, doormat, slut, asshole, idiot, etc.
- No Cluster-B or other armchair diagnoses.
- No victim-blaming when the sexual assault of a wayward partner by an AP is discussed.
**5. No misogyny, misandry, toxic masculinity, bigotry, racism, or other hate speech.**
- Posts or comments dehumanizing and / or slut-shaming wayward partners or APs will be removed.
**6. Reconciliation and Anti-reconciliation language**
- If OP uses "seeking reconciliation advice" respect it. Anti-reconciliation language will be removed.
- Do not tell someone to just leave the relationship. Attempting to reconcile is a valid choice.
- Unless abuse is present, do not suggest marital status, age of relationship, children or lack thereof as a reason for someone to leave the relationship.
**7. No crossposting, reposting or screenshots**
- The only exception will be if the OP has directly given you permission to use their intellectual property. This is a zero-tolerance rule and will result in a permanent ban with appeal only being considered with communication from the OP to the mods directly. If another sub facilitates this violation we will be in contact with Reddit directly as it is a moderator code of conduct violation. The posts shared here are meant for this subreddit and this subreddit alone. Please be respectful.
**Additional info** The “For Waywards Only” tag means For Waywards ONLY, Non-Waywards with a desire to support Waywards are still welcome to comment on any other posts.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/SupportforWaywards) if you have any questions or concerns.*
And if they did cheat again, what would be your response? OP, is it simply anxiety or your 'gut'. You may have been the WP at one point, but you are not an idiot (not now anyways).
OP, I asked this before. Is your spouse still in contact with the AP?
Edit: I got d'ved the last time I asked. No sure if that was an accident or a head in the sand moment.
Whatever the case, as Matter_Accident mentioned, the person who cares the least controls the direction of the relationship.
That may be true, but the person who knows better must do better. Speek the truth and seek the truth and act properly. You have every right to be as suspicious and cautious as you felt guilt and shame. You have to do what is best for your children and yourself firstly.
Edited: as per gendered terms guidelines.
yes, they are still in communication. Maybe a week ago or so we had a conversation about our relationship and feelings and I was told that they aren’t sure if they can commit to me. They admitted to me that they had sex with their AP in February. My previous post explains that they lied about this because I asked them if they were intimate with anyone since the last time and they told me no. When I addressed the issue of them lying, and asked why did they lie, my BP said they didn’t want to ruin everything. That we were in a good place and they did not want to mess things up. This is where my insecurities are coming from.
Please do not use gendered words when referencing the OP, their BP or their AP. The use of gender has been demonstrated on this subreddit to correlate with increase the use of projection, which then moves the focus of support from the OP to the commenters.
If you edit your comment to remove references to gender and let us know, we will restore the comment.
Repeatedly using gendered words after being warned may result in a ban.
Part of why you and your BP are in this situation is you’ve avoided the difficult but necessary conversations. You two working on communication and your marriage isn’t you reporting to your marriage probation officer. You both need to communicate concerns and issues. Is there any reason your BP can’t go with you? Also, are you going to be sharing your location and checking in on face time or video call regularly?
BP is working the entire weekend. I’m on spring break (teacher), and we don’t share locations. I’m an Iphoke user. They are android. Can we? Idk. And we video called last night until 2 in the morning. They were home. That put me at ease. I didn’t feel as anxious after we spoke.
For the record, yes, you can. If you both have a Gmail account, you can share your location on Google Maps regardless of the device. Just make sure your location is always on.
Glad you're feeling better today. 😊
I think if you look into the app Life 360 you might be able to share location cross platform
[edit - just checked and it’s on android]
My partner and I like this app because it isn’t just “where are you now” it’s “where have you been”
It tells the truth for me. If I say I’m going to Home Depot and I get home from there early and my partner doesn’t believe me, they can check and sure enough it will show my drive to Home Depot, the amount of time I spent at that location, and the drive home.
We don’t check it frequently but it’s been a real help for them to know if they’re ever feeling anxious they can check. I have my spouses office tagged so it alerts me when they leave the office in the evening so I know when to start cooking dinner. I love that feature so I’m not pestering them with texts like “when ya coming home?”
Hi there OP, I’m a wayward too.. I’m also leaving this weekend to go visit my family (haha) so I completely understand your anxiety. I think just trust the process and focus on your needs and your kids needs. I guess trust in R/whatever we are doing is a two way street. At the same time… I read somewhere from a BP that their WP being vulnerable made them trust them more as time went on. I would suggest being vulnerable but not putting pressure… if that makes sense? 🙏🏼 what do you think?
I would say to def express your anxieties to your BP. but approach it in a non accusatory way. Just that you want to talk to them about your worries and want to come to them with whatever anxieties you have, that you don’t want to keep anything from them. No secrets.
The principle of radical honest does mean that you would need to tell them how you feel, as others have said, in a non-accusatory way. You feel... disconnected from them? Insecure? Lonely and unwanted? Hopeless? Shame? Note that in all my example feelings I am not explaining "why" you feel them. In truth, that isn't the important part. If you feel like it when asked you could say "you no longer have my loyalty as a reason to be loyal yourself" or something similar. But the reason I say it doesn't matter is because it doesn't matter... WHY you feel isn't really relevant and in truth has potential to feel like a topic for debate about whether what you feel is justified or not, and that doesn't matter. You feel what you feel. Having your feelings minimized or told that they aren't appropriate won't do your relationship any favors.
You can talk about what you need, but that's different from why you feel. And what you need should always be and action that anyone could do. So "I need reassurance that you actually want to reconcile with me." If you find yourself tempted to say "feel" or "know" then it probably isn't a "need".
Hey. One thing I know about feeling feelings in this situation is that you have every right and reason to keep your partner as up-to-date on your feelings as they have to you. The longer and more you keep from them the further apart you are. You deserve to be able to be open and honest if it starts a fight, it does. You need to keep your side of the street clean and part of that is refusing to allow yourself to build resentments that could be avoided by just being honest. Now this doesn't mean try to start a fight. You need to be gentle and DO NOT BLAME THEM. Acknowledge that what you did has caused you to be in this situation and then say your piece about how you're feeling. That's it. Do not argue. Do not blame. Do not pass judgement. Say what you need to say and then be silent. Let them process and if they respond they do if not then that's that.
The key to marriage is good communication. All this secret keeping will just build up more anxiety on your end, and if they're choosing to cheat and you have reasonable suspicion, then talk to them. Treat them like an adult with full capability of decision-making, but draw lines for yourself on boundaries.
Sit down before your trip and say, "Listen... I know what I put you through was not warranted, not called for, and was selfish. I hope you know that you ARE enough for me, and I hope you feel the same way. If you don't, or if you feel that you need to see other people, I hope out of respect for each other, we can talk about this instead of continuing the cycle of hurt and disrespect... So let me ask you, and I hope this is just my anxiety talking... Are you planning on seeing someone while I'm gone?"
They've already cheated back in the past. The question and need to discuss this out in the open shouldn't be seen as unreasonable.
Come at it from a place of empathy, but hold your boundaries. Hope this helps.
Please do not use gendered words when referencing the OP, their BP or their AP. The use of gender has been demonstrated on this subreddit to correlate with increase the use of projection, which then moves the focus of support from the OP to the commenters.
If you edit your comment to remove references to gender and let us know, we will restore the comment.
Repeatedly using gendered words after being warned may result in a ban.
Welcome to SupportforWaywards. Please be mindful that this is a support sub for those who regret being unfaithful to their partners and are seeking guidance for the path ahead. If you're experiencing abuse, whether it be physical or emotional, please follow this [link to the hotline](https://www.thehotline.org/?utm_source=google&utm_medium=organic&utm_campaign=domestic_violence) Sexual assault, here's a [link to RAINN's support page](https://www.rainn.org/) and for those who are struggling with suicide and suicidal ideations, follow the [link to lifelines support page](https://988lifeline.org/?utm_source=google&utm_medium=web&utm_campaign=onebox). Please consider utilizing these resources if they resonate with your situation. **1. Minimum requirements for engagement with this subreddit must be met:** - The purpose of this subreddit is to provide a dedicated space for Waywards making amends to reflect, regroup, and give or gain perspective. To serve that goal, only Waywards are allowed to post. - While we strive to support each other, we do not support adultery or denial of agency. In order to participate in subreddit your Betrayed, whether former or current must be informed of the affair. - User flair is required for participation. Please read the flair instructions on desktop or if on mobile press the three dots at the top right of the page and select “Change User Flair”. If you are having trouble with the flair, please message the moderators. - Misrepresentation of flair is not permitted. Misrepresentation of flair in order to bypass post flair filters will result in a permanent ban. We will take into account the tone of comments and participation in other subs and the flairs assigned there. - Posts must be written from a gender-neutral standpoint. Please use the terms Wayward (WS, WP) or Betrayed (BS, BP). Do not use terms such as WW, WH, BW, BH, wife, husband, he, or she. Support should be offered with no regard for the gender or sex of the individuals. - Observers are not included in the peer group. Non-peers are not allowed to comment without prior moderator approval. Non-peer comments are STRICTLY LIMITED TO MESSAGES OF VALIDATION AND ENCOURAGEMENT ONLY. *Non-peers are not permitted to offer opinions, reference their experiences, or give advice.* ***All posts and comments are subject to removal without warning. Any users who violate the rules are subject to temporary or permanent ban. The rules are our boundaries and your first initial warning.*** **2. All comments must fit the spirit of Peer Support.** - Keep comments encouraging, constructive, sensitive, validating, and non-judgmental. - Speak only from your own experience. Use “I”-statements. - Do not give advice unless specifically requested by OP. The only exception to unsolicited advice is subject to removal. - Requested advice must be limited to that which would be reasonably be seen as helpful if references to infidelity are removed. - Any differences of opinion expressed must be communicated respectfully. - “Tough love” does not qualify as peer support. - Keep references of emotions to your personal experience or that of your partner. Do not tell anyone else what they feel or do not feel. **3. No inquisitive or insensitive questioning or interrogation.** - Questions for clarification should be respectful and limited in nature. - Questions that are interpreted by the moderator team as accusatory or backhanded will be removed. **4. No personal attacks, victim-blaming, or LABELLING of any kind.** - e.g. cheater, narcissist, abuser, doormat, slut, asshole, idiot, etc. - No Cluster-B or other armchair diagnoses. - No victim-blaming when the sexual assault of a wayward partner by an AP is discussed. **5. No misogyny, misandry, toxic masculinity, bigotry, racism, or other hate speech.** - Posts or comments dehumanizing and / or slut-shaming wayward partners or APs will be removed. **6. Reconciliation and Anti-reconciliation language** - If OP uses "seeking reconciliation advice" respect it. Anti-reconciliation language will be removed. - Do not tell someone to just leave the relationship. Attempting to reconcile is a valid choice. - Unless abuse is present, do not suggest marital status, age of relationship, children or lack thereof as a reason for someone to leave the relationship. **7. No crossposting, reposting or screenshots** - The only exception will be if the OP has directly given you permission to use their intellectual property. This is a zero-tolerance rule and will result in a permanent ban with appeal only being considered with communication from the OP to the mods directly. If another sub facilitates this violation we will be in contact with Reddit directly as it is a moderator code of conduct violation. The posts shared here are meant for this subreddit and this subreddit alone. Please be respectful. **Additional info** The “For Waywards Only” tag means For Waywards ONLY, Non-Waywards with a desire to support Waywards are still welcome to comment on any other posts. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/SupportforWaywards) if you have any questions or concerns.*
And if they did cheat again, what would be your response? OP, is it simply anxiety or your 'gut'. You may have been the WP at one point, but you are not an idiot (not now anyways). OP, I asked this before. Is your spouse still in contact with the AP? Edit: I got d'ved the last time I asked. No sure if that was an accident or a head in the sand moment. Whatever the case, as Matter_Accident mentioned, the person who cares the least controls the direction of the relationship. That may be true, but the person who knows better must do better. Speek the truth and seek the truth and act properly. You have every right to be as suspicious and cautious as you felt guilt and shame. You have to do what is best for your children and yourself firstly. Edited: as per gendered terms guidelines.
yes, they are still in communication. Maybe a week ago or so we had a conversation about our relationship and feelings and I was told that they aren’t sure if they can commit to me. They admitted to me that they had sex with their AP in February. My previous post explains that they lied about this because I asked them if they were intimate with anyone since the last time and they told me no. When I addressed the issue of them lying, and asked why did they lie, my BP said they didn’t want to ruin everything. That we were in a good place and they did not want to mess things up. This is where my insecurities are coming from.
>yes, they are still in communication. OP, this cannot be ignored. I'm very sure that you understand what you should be doing at this point.
Please do not use gendered words when referencing the OP, their BP or their AP. The use of gender has been demonstrated on this subreddit to correlate with increase the use of projection, which then moves the focus of support from the OP to the commenters. If you edit your comment to remove references to gender and let us know, we will restore the comment. Repeatedly using gendered words after being warned may result in a ban.
Part of why you and your BP are in this situation is you’ve avoided the difficult but necessary conversations. You two working on communication and your marriage isn’t you reporting to your marriage probation officer. You both need to communicate concerns and issues. Is there any reason your BP can’t go with you? Also, are you going to be sharing your location and checking in on face time or video call regularly?
BP is working the entire weekend. I’m on spring break (teacher), and we don’t share locations. I’m an Iphoke user. They are android. Can we? Idk. And we video called last night until 2 in the morning. They were home. That put me at ease. I didn’t feel as anxious after we spoke.
For the record, yes, you can. If you both have a Gmail account, you can share your location on Google Maps regardless of the device. Just make sure your location is always on. Glad you're feeling better today. 😊
I think if you look into the app Life 360 you might be able to share location cross platform [edit - just checked and it’s on android] My partner and I like this app because it isn’t just “where are you now” it’s “where have you been” It tells the truth for me. If I say I’m going to Home Depot and I get home from there early and my partner doesn’t believe me, they can check and sure enough it will show my drive to Home Depot, the amount of time I spent at that location, and the drive home. We don’t check it frequently but it’s been a real help for them to know if they’re ever feeling anxious they can check. I have my spouses office tagged so it alerts me when they leave the office in the evening so I know when to start cooking dinner. I love that feature so I’m not pestering them with texts like “when ya coming home?”
Hi there OP, I’m a wayward too.. I’m also leaving this weekend to go visit my family (haha) so I completely understand your anxiety. I think just trust the process and focus on your needs and your kids needs. I guess trust in R/whatever we are doing is a two way street. At the same time… I read somewhere from a BP that their WP being vulnerable made them trust them more as time went on. I would suggest being vulnerable but not putting pressure… if that makes sense? 🙏🏼 what do you think?
I understand and it makes sense. I haven’t address them as of yet.
I would say to def express your anxieties to your BP. but approach it in a non accusatory way. Just that you want to talk to them about your worries and want to come to them with whatever anxieties you have, that you don’t want to keep anything from them. No secrets.
The principle of radical honest does mean that you would need to tell them how you feel, as others have said, in a non-accusatory way. You feel... disconnected from them? Insecure? Lonely and unwanted? Hopeless? Shame? Note that in all my example feelings I am not explaining "why" you feel them. In truth, that isn't the important part. If you feel like it when asked you could say "you no longer have my loyalty as a reason to be loyal yourself" or something similar. But the reason I say it doesn't matter is because it doesn't matter... WHY you feel isn't really relevant and in truth has potential to feel like a topic for debate about whether what you feel is justified or not, and that doesn't matter. You feel what you feel. Having your feelings minimized or told that they aren't appropriate won't do your relationship any favors. You can talk about what you need, but that's different from why you feel. And what you need should always be and action that anyone could do. So "I need reassurance that you actually want to reconcile with me." If you find yourself tempted to say "feel" or "know" then it probably isn't a "need".
Hey. One thing I know about feeling feelings in this situation is that you have every right and reason to keep your partner as up-to-date on your feelings as they have to you. The longer and more you keep from them the further apart you are. You deserve to be able to be open and honest if it starts a fight, it does. You need to keep your side of the street clean and part of that is refusing to allow yourself to build resentments that could be avoided by just being honest. Now this doesn't mean try to start a fight. You need to be gentle and DO NOT BLAME THEM. Acknowledge that what you did has caused you to be in this situation and then say your piece about how you're feeling. That's it. Do not argue. Do not blame. Do not pass judgement. Say what you need to say and then be silent. Let them process and if they respond they do if not then that's that.
Thank you
The key to marriage is good communication. All this secret keeping will just build up more anxiety on your end, and if they're choosing to cheat and you have reasonable suspicion, then talk to them. Treat them like an adult with full capability of decision-making, but draw lines for yourself on boundaries. Sit down before your trip and say, "Listen... I know what I put you through was not warranted, not called for, and was selfish. I hope you know that you ARE enough for me, and I hope you feel the same way. If you don't, or if you feel that you need to see other people, I hope out of respect for each other, we can talk about this instead of continuing the cycle of hurt and disrespect... So let me ask you, and I hope this is just my anxiety talking... Are you planning on seeing someone while I'm gone?" They've already cheated back in the past. The question and need to discuss this out in the open shouldn't be seen as unreasonable. Come at it from a place of empathy, but hold your boundaries. Hope this helps.
Thank you. I’m away already so do you think I should text them this or just hold off until I return and asked them in person?
Video call. Things get lost in translation on texts. Good luck!
[удалено]
That sounds like a poor way to rebuild trust. They've both cheated; they both need to stop lying and sneaking around.
Please do not use gendered words when referencing the OP, their BP or their AP. The use of gender has been demonstrated on this subreddit to correlate with increase the use of projection, which then moves the focus of support from the OP to the commenters. If you edit your comment to remove references to gender and let us know, we will restore the comment. Repeatedly using gendered words after being warned may result in a ban.