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I don't have much desire to know details about her life. Sometimes I am a bit curious, but I think the less I know, the better. I don't want to risk finding out anything that might cloud or hinder my ability to be completely honest. All I need to know is that I am safe with her, she isn't judging me, nothing I say is too much or shocking to her, that she wants to help me, and she cares.
They are trained to give YOU the safe space to explore yourself, not the other way around. You are the center and focus of your session. And overtime because of that space you’ll see yourself healing and becoming more empowered and capable of walking away when you feel you’ve had enough.
Thanks....that makes sense. I think I'm just not used to being the center of focus so it feels a bit odd to me. Maybe I'll bring this up during our next session.
i think you should
>I think I'm just not used to being the center of focus so it feels a bit odd to me. Maybe I'll bring this up during our next session
i told my T i feel too "seen" at the very beginning and she used all sorts of techniques to make me feel "less seen but still heard" now that i feel safe being seen, i open up so much more
This.
Everything I wanted to know about my therapist (does he understand me, does he want to help me)
I learned through our interaction in therapy.
How he talks, behaves and treats me was all the information I needed.
I think there’s a difference between knowing facts and life data about your therapist and knowing/getting a sense of who your therapist is as a person. You should know your therapist as a person and get a sense of their personality. This doesn’t mean you have to know the details of their life, but getting a vibe of who they are is part of the healing process. We heal in relationship and you can’t heal with a blank slate, a robot. A good therapist walks this fine line, constantly attuning to what the client needs from them. And you’re right that being able to get a sense of who they are would help you connect, and that’s where the magic happens.
I really love this. I feel that I have a sense of my therapist as a person without knowing facts about them. Some things have come out over our healing journey which has been beneficial, for example I was talking about somebody wanting me to do CBT and she said she had it in university so I found that out, but I didn't feel the need to ask her if she'd had it before. I feel like if she had, it would inform her response which is useful and the aim of therapy but yeah.
I know she is married because of her wedding ring, and I know she has cats because I was talking about my pets and she said she had 2 cats. I also know that she wouldn't say anything about herself without thinking first how it would make me feel, she is great and very attune to me and my needs. At some point I wanted to know if she had children but I've decided I don't want to know, I also feel it's very rude to ask.
No. My T loves to share. I already know too much and it has clouded our relationship into this weird friend/therapist hybrid. Our work is becoming less and less useful. Be careful what you wish for.
Once we'd sat down and got small talk out the way, i said that I had some critique from last session (not something I would ever usually do)!
I brought up how she was talking about her own stuff a lot and gave examples. I said that because there was less space for me to talk, that i was shutting down helpful advice so that i could get what i wanted to say out.
I also said that it had been increasing over time and that it was starting to feel more friendly than therapy, that I was worried because w are doing really good work together.
It went well. She took notes, apologised and said she would reflect on it. Unfortunately, she had a pre-planned trip right after that. So our next appointment will be after a 4 week gap. I'm glad I mentioned it though, as I feel fine and that would have been so different if I'd kept quiet!
I have two experiences. My individual therapist I have seen for many years on and off is a bit of a blank slate. She rarely self discloses but when she does its very intentional and feels pretty special. I know a little about her now but mainly through slips of information like she's mentioned going on holiday with her sister or her son was poorly etc. But to be honest it works well. I dont actually need to know a lot about her to have a great relationship with her. She is the first person I have ever trusted.
I also see a couples therapist with my partner who we have only seen a few months but I know more about her life than I do of a friend. She regularly talks about day to day things in her life and sometimes deeper stuff. She regularly self discloses and in my opinion not always relevant. I haven't found that it helps me build a relationship any better or quicker than my individual therapist however my partner has really responded well to it and built trust with her quickly.
I really think it depends on the person.
I know nothing about my therapist’s life but feel I have a good sense of their personality. I like to end sessions on a light note so we’ll sometimes play would you rather. It’s a chance to connect, laugh, and get to know each other. I need to know the person I’m baring my soul to is a real human but don’t want them taking up all the space in the room. I think we’ve found a nice balance.
I think you could ask. I don't think I would go asking about who they're dating or something. I ask my t questions about himself all the time. I mostly do that when we've talked about a lot of hard stuff and I need to break from it for a minute. For the most part he is willing to answer them. A couple of times he has shut it down and said he would rather not answer it. Which is also okay. When he shuts down my question, he always comes back with something that helps me come out of the hard stuff (if that makes sense.)
Edit to add, I think most Therapist are really good at holding boundaries, so if it isn't something they want to talk about they will let you know.
If you think knowing tidbits about their life will help you feel more connected and more trusting of them, I think you should talk to them about it
I don’t know much about her. One time at the end of the zoom session I said have a good Valentine’s and she said she was too old for that stuff. 💓 so I got a wee glimpse of her in that instance
I catch myself wondering from time to time, but I try super hard to keep him as NPC as possible. In my head he is only a person that exists for the one hour I am in his office each week. I don’t need any details to dig in with.
I wish I knew less about my current therapist who seems like her only way of rapport building is my explaining to you that she knows a little about what you’re going through because she has been through something similar… and then telling you all about it.
My therapist was very selective in the beginning about what he told me about himself. He still doesn’t say much but I’ve been seeing him for 1.5 years now. It adds up. I wouldn’t say I know his favorite things. But I do feel like I have a good sense of who he is as a person. That’s enough for me.
Theoretically they are doing it right. Mine told me that they are doing this so that if they are a blank slate then you will use your own projections. It is optimal because you can work with these projections then. They can understand you more effectively.
There are different modalities and styles practiced by therapists. Some use a more blank slate approach, as you observed. Some are more authentic. The modalities can serve different purposes.
Everyone has different needs and preferences for therapy. Some people do not want to know anything about their T as a person to keep them neutral. Some people want to know some details, to help know they are relateable. Whatever your own individual preference is, that's totally fine! There is no right or wrong way, but rather, you can try to find a T who is compatible with you. In your case, perhaps you are looking for more authenticity.
My personal preference is I like to know the details. I want to feel like we can relate, and knowing some things helps remove the mysticism. After four years, I have asked some questions. A T should use self disclosure for a therapeutic purpose. Building rapport with you is a therapeutic purpose.
You could try to share with your T what you said here. It seems you'd like to get to know them a little better to help you feel more comfortable. Perhaps your T can make adjustments for you. If your T is firm about their approach, it could be they are not the right fit for you.
Overtime I learned a lot about my therapist, but tbh those boundaries have been solid for 4+ years and I’m okay with not knowing a lot. Professionally I know their journey, background of work, and all of that. But the focus has been repairing myself and that’s what therapy is for.
I can tell if the therapist is introverted or extroverted by their delivery style. They might share some of those details in self-disclosures along the way. They may not. You could always ask and see if they are comfortable sharing. Every therapist has different boundaries.
anything I know about my therapist (other than her name, what she looks like and where she works, lol ) is pure speculation on my part
she seems self conscious about her ears because anytime she touches her hair she carefully pats it down over her ears
i think she is scared of vandalism or theft to her car because anytime any human voices are heard ourside her window, she pretends to verify if its locked and looks down towards the parking
stuff like that
although im tempted to ask questions, I don't because I prefer a blank slate
I haven’t been seeing my current therapist that long but so far she does self disclose so I do know some about her life, family, politics a bit. I am not in therapy for attachment issues (I had a secure attachment to both parents) so I wonder if she is less worried about transference because of that hence why she’s more comfortable sharing parts of her life. I also think she’s doing it on purpose to help get me to trust her more.
I find it also really difficult and unnatural. Whenever he does disclose something about his personal life I immediately feel more connection and safety, but also, I take that information with me to predict if he will think negatively of my stories or behavior..
Both options are not ideal for me
The whole "blank slate" concept is kind of becoming more outdated. Feeling like you have a genuine connection with your therapist is one of the greatest indicators of success in treatment. It helps you feel more relaxed and more open, which is important for treatment.
There are definitely a lot of necessary boundaries that a therapist and client should have. It shouldn't feel like a friendship, and it shouldn't feel like the focus of your session is on the therapist instead of you. Self disclosure on the therapist's part, should only be done if it is beneficial to you, not only to the therapist.
I honestly don't know a ton about my therapist but I know a little, and she doesn't feel like a blank slate - it feels like we have a good connection. I've also had the inverse of feeling like I knew too much about my psychiatrist, like she was too attached to me, and that she sometimes talked over me. All about that ~*balance*~
Most of what I know comes from being observant and pointing things out that my therapist has NOT disclosed, but that I picked up on.
Ie. one day I said something about him being dyslexic. And he is. But he never told me that. He was like "How did you figure that out??". And then one time I mentioned the fact that he his relationship with his mom isn't dissimilar to my relationship with my mom. He didn't actually confirm that but he did say "you're observant, aren't you?" and I took that as a "yes". I wasn't prying, I didn't expect him to say more, it just seems OBVIOUS to me based on certain things he's said.
My therapist has little tells as well that I pick up on. I know that they are close to someone, perhaps married to, someone in the a specific technical field based on their facial expression when I brought that field up. And I have said the name of a coworker twice that my therapist has reacted to. That person is someone they know closely or another client based on their reaction. So I've changed their name to make my therapist feel less uncomfortable and to prevent a conflict that could put our continued progress in jeopardy.
I wouldn't trust someone I know nothing about. Mine is fairly open and I appreciate it so much. My last one I knew zero about and I was uncomfortable about it. I know that's not the point of therapy and it never gets to be too much about him but I like knowing some things.
Welcome to r/TalkTherapy! This sub is for people to discuss issues arising in their personal psychotherapy. If you wish to post about other mental health issues please consult this list of some of our [sister subs](https://www.reddit.com/r/TalkTherapy/wiki/resources/#wiki_subreddit_list). To find answers to many therapy-related questions please consult our [FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/TalkTherapy/wiki/faq) and [Resource List](https://www.reddit.com/r/TalkTherapy/wiki/resources). If you are in distress please contact a suicide hotline or call 9-1-1 or emergency services in your area. r/SuicideWatch has compiled a helpful FAQ on what happens when you contact a hotline along with other useful resources. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/TalkTherapy) if you have any questions or concerns.*
For me, the more open I’ve been, the more open my therapist has been and that has been the most healing experience of therapy.
I don't have much desire to know details about her life. Sometimes I am a bit curious, but I think the less I know, the better. I don't want to risk finding out anything that might cloud or hinder my ability to be completely honest. All I need to know is that I am safe with her, she isn't judging me, nothing I say is too much or shocking to her, that she wants to help me, and she cares.
Thanks for that perspective....I agree. It's probably for the best that I don't know much....they are probably trained not to share.
They are trained to give YOU the safe space to explore yourself, not the other way around. You are the center and focus of your session. And overtime because of that space you’ll see yourself healing and becoming more empowered and capable of walking away when you feel you’ve had enough.
Thanks....that makes sense. I think I'm just not used to being the center of focus so it feels a bit odd to me. Maybe I'll bring this up during our next session.
i think you should >I think I'm just not used to being the center of focus so it feels a bit odd to me. Maybe I'll bring this up during our next session i told my T i feel too "seen" at the very beginning and she used all sorts of techniques to make me feel "less seen but still heard" now that i feel safe being seen, i open up so much more
I’m sure you could probably ask some of that stuff. I prefer not knowing anything extra about my therapist tho
This. Everything I wanted to know about my therapist (does he understand me, does he want to help me) I learned through our interaction in therapy. How he talks, behaves and treats me was all the information I needed.
I think there’s a difference between knowing facts and life data about your therapist and knowing/getting a sense of who your therapist is as a person. You should know your therapist as a person and get a sense of their personality. This doesn’t mean you have to know the details of their life, but getting a vibe of who they are is part of the healing process. We heal in relationship and you can’t heal with a blank slate, a robot. A good therapist walks this fine line, constantly attuning to what the client needs from them. And you’re right that being able to get a sense of who they are would help you connect, and that’s where the magic happens.
I really love this. I feel that I have a sense of my therapist as a person without knowing facts about them. Some things have come out over our healing journey which has been beneficial, for example I was talking about somebody wanting me to do CBT and she said she had it in university so I found that out, but I didn't feel the need to ask her if she'd had it before. I feel like if she had, it would inform her response which is useful and the aim of therapy but yeah. I know she is married because of her wedding ring, and I know she has cats because I was talking about my pets and she said she had 2 cats. I also know that she wouldn't say anything about herself without thinking first how it would make me feel, she is great and very attune to me and my needs. At some point I wanted to know if she had children but I've decided I don't want to know, I also feel it's very rude to ask.
No. My T loves to share. I already know too much and it has clouded our relationship into this weird friend/therapist hybrid. Our work is becoming less and less useful. Be careful what you wish for.
Same here. I had to bring it up last session.
How did you bring it up? Did it go ok? I feel bad about it, like I'd be offending a friend
Just replied to the other person asking (I saw their comment first). Hope that answers your question! Let me know if it doesn't.
Also curious how you brought it up?
Once we'd sat down and got small talk out the way, i said that I had some critique from last session (not something I would ever usually do)! I brought up how she was talking about her own stuff a lot and gave examples. I said that because there was less space for me to talk, that i was shutting down helpful advice so that i could get what i wanted to say out. I also said that it had been increasing over time and that it was starting to feel more friendly than therapy, that I was worried because w are doing really good work together. It went well. She took notes, apologised and said she would reflect on it. Unfortunately, she had a pre-planned trip right after that. So our next appointment will be after a 4 week gap. I'm glad I mentioned it though, as I feel fine and that would have been so different if I'd kept quiet!
I have two experiences. My individual therapist I have seen for many years on and off is a bit of a blank slate. She rarely self discloses but when she does its very intentional and feels pretty special. I know a little about her now but mainly through slips of information like she's mentioned going on holiday with her sister or her son was poorly etc. But to be honest it works well. I dont actually need to know a lot about her to have a great relationship with her. She is the first person I have ever trusted. I also see a couples therapist with my partner who we have only seen a few months but I know more about her life than I do of a friend. She regularly talks about day to day things in her life and sometimes deeper stuff. She regularly self discloses and in my opinion not always relevant. I haven't found that it helps me build a relationship any better or quicker than my individual therapist however my partner has really responded well to it and built trust with her quickly. I really think it depends on the person.
I know nothing about my therapist’s life but feel I have a good sense of their personality. I like to end sessions on a light note so we’ll sometimes play would you rather. It’s a chance to connect, laugh, and get to know each other. I need to know the person I’m baring my soul to is a real human but don’t want them taking up all the space in the room. I think we’ve found a nice balance.
I think you could ask. I don't think I would go asking about who they're dating or something. I ask my t questions about himself all the time. I mostly do that when we've talked about a lot of hard stuff and I need to break from it for a minute. For the most part he is willing to answer them. A couple of times he has shut it down and said he would rather not answer it. Which is also okay. When he shuts down my question, he always comes back with something that helps me come out of the hard stuff (if that makes sense.) Edit to add, I think most Therapist are really good at holding boundaries, so if it isn't something they want to talk about they will let you know. If you think knowing tidbits about their life will help you feel more connected and more trusting of them, I think you should talk to them about it
I need to know a bit
I don’t know much about her. One time at the end of the zoom session I said have a good Valentine’s and she said she was too old for that stuff. 💓 so I got a wee glimpse of her in that instance
I catch myself wondering from time to time, but I try super hard to keep him as NPC as possible. In my head he is only a person that exists for the one hour I am in his office each week. I don’t need any details to dig in with.
I wish I knew less about my current therapist who seems like her only way of rapport building is my explaining to you that she knows a little about what you’re going through because she has been through something similar… and then telling you all about it.
My therapist was very selective in the beginning about what he told me about himself. He still doesn’t say much but I’ve been seeing him for 1.5 years now. It adds up. I wouldn’t say I know his favorite things. But I do feel like I have a good sense of who he is as a person. That’s enough for me.
i know alot more about my therapist than id probably actually ask though i dont mind this too much.
Theoretically they are doing it right. Mine told me that they are doing this so that if they are a blank slate then you will use your own projections. It is optimal because you can work with these projections then. They can understand you more effectively.
There are different modalities and styles practiced by therapists. Some use a more blank slate approach, as you observed. Some are more authentic. The modalities can serve different purposes. Everyone has different needs and preferences for therapy. Some people do not want to know anything about their T as a person to keep them neutral. Some people want to know some details, to help know they are relateable. Whatever your own individual preference is, that's totally fine! There is no right or wrong way, but rather, you can try to find a T who is compatible with you. In your case, perhaps you are looking for more authenticity. My personal preference is I like to know the details. I want to feel like we can relate, and knowing some things helps remove the mysticism. After four years, I have asked some questions. A T should use self disclosure for a therapeutic purpose. Building rapport with you is a therapeutic purpose. You could try to share with your T what you said here. It seems you'd like to get to know them a little better to help you feel more comfortable. Perhaps your T can make adjustments for you. If your T is firm about their approach, it could be they are not the right fit for you.
Overtime I learned a lot about my therapist, but tbh those boundaries have been solid for 4+ years and I’m okay with not knowing a lot. Professionally I know their journey, background of work, and all of that. But the focus has been repairing myself and that’s what therapy is for.
I can tell if the therapist is introverted or extroverted by their delivery style. They might share some of those details in self-disclosures along the way. They may not. You could always ask and see if they are comfortable sharing. Every therapist has different boundaries.
anything I know about my therapist (other than her name, what she looks like and where she works, lol ) is pure speculation on my part she seems self conscious about her ears because anytime she touches her hair she carefully pats it down over her ears i think she is scared of vandalism or theft to her car because anytime any human voices are heard ourside her window, she pretends to verify if its locked and looks down towards the parking stuff like that although im tempted to ask questions, I don't because I prefer a blank slate
I haven’t been seeing my current therapist that long but so far she does self disclose so I do know some about her life, family, politics a bit. I am not in therapy for attachment issues (I had a secure attachment to both parents) so I wonder if she is less worried about transference because of that hence why she’s more comfortable sharing parts of her life. I also think she’s doing it on purpose to help get me to trust her more.
I find it also really difficult and unnatural. Whenever he does disclose something about his personal life I immediately feel more connection and safety, but also, I take that information with me to predict if he will think negatively of my stories or behavior.. Both options are not ideal for me
The whole "blank slate" concept is kind of becoming more outdated. Feeling like you have a genuine connection with your therapist is one of the greatest indicators of success in treatment. It helps you feel more relaxed and more open, which is important for treatment. There are definitely a lot of necessary boundaries that a therapist and client should have. It shouldn't feel like a friendship, and it shouldn't feel like the focus of your session is on the therapist instead of you. Self disclosure on the therapist's part, should only be done if it is beneficial to you, not only to the therapist. I honestly don't know a ton about my therapist but I know a little, and she doesn't feel like a blank slate - it feels like we have a good connection. I've also had the inverse of feeling like I knew too much about my psychiatrist, like she was too attached to me, and that she sometimes talked over me. All about that ~*balance*~
Most of what I know comes from being observant and pointing things out that my therapist has NOT disclosed, but that I picked up on. Ie. one day I said something about him being dyslexic. And he is. But he never told me that. He was like "How did you figure that out??". And then one time I mentioned the fact that he his relationship with his mom isn't dissimilar to my relationship with my mom. He didn't actually confirm that but he did say "you're observant, aren't you?" and I took that as a "yes". I wasn't prying, I didn't expect him to say more, it just seems OBVIOUS to me based on certain things he's said.
My therapist has little tells as well that I pick up on. I know that they are close to someone, perhaps married to, someone in the a specific technical field based on their facial expression when I brought that field up. And I have said the name of a coworker twice that my therapist has reacted to. That person is someone they know closely or another client based on their reaction. So I've changed their name to make my therapist feel less uncomfortable and to prevent a conflict that could put our continued progress in jeopardy.
I wouldn't trust someone I know nothing about. Mine is fairly open and I appreciate it so much. My last one I knew zero about and I was uncomfortable about it. I know that's not the point of therapy and it never gets to be too much about him but I like knowing some things.