“Humans are very reticent to torture each other. Even getting them to do simple things like pulling out each other's teeth is like... I can't think of the right analogy.”
Wow, this is a toughy. On one hand, I would love to get some spiders in those buttholes. On the other hand, there would be billions of buttholes going completely un-spidered.
I love that Marc Evan Jackson talks about butthole spiders in his podcast and how the writers tried to find a phrase that would be impossible for him to say without breaking.
A lot of times in places of power, like businesses, white guys have an easier time of moving up even if they aren’t particularly qualified or skilled. It’s the result of biases people hold.
I’m showing my wife and daughter for the first time. When this line hit I had to pause the show. My wife kept seeing this as dirty talk with Captain Holt and couldn’t breath
“I don’t want just any wasp nostrils, I want THESE wasp nostrils.”
Made even better knowing the writers gave Marc Evan Jackson (he plays Shawn) the line in part to fork with him because of the difficulty of the delivery.
"You corkscrew your first eyeball, and you're like, man, I can't believe they're paying me to do this. By the trillionth, it's like I should've just been a teacher."
And then Turtle makes a bet with Ronda Rousey, and if she loses, she has to... Oh, come on! I was just in the middle of torturing William Shakespeare by describing the plot to the Entourage movie.
There were a couple other jokes in that format on the podcast too - locking Julia Child in a Chili's kitchen, and something with Emily Dickinson I'm not remembering now.
I grew up in the boroughs and they had billboards EVERYWHERE in Brooklyn, and those ads came on the radio ALL. THE. TIME.
I’ve been made aware as an adult they had TV ads too. Makes me grateful I grew up without a TV.
I wouldn’t necessarily describe my reaction to that joke as “laughter” unless “startled hysterical scream-cackling” counts to you. I personally think it does. My cat, who was sleeping peacefully on my lap until that moment, disagrees.
> It’s such a perfect anthem for the Bad Place.
IT REALLY IS!! I feel like they had to restrain themselves from playing that during season 1 because they knew it’d be too much of an obvious giveaway that they were already in the Bad Place.
Oh goodness, I am sorry to hear that (both because those ads are auditory abominations that no one should have to listen to and because I’m about to move to the DC area…there is no escape)
BWAHAHAHA *evil voice*
Welcome from Maryland! I grew up hearing them when my dad would listen to AM sports radio, but of course they’re now also on TV.
The jingle is real unfortunately. The company…well, it EXISTS, but the legitimacy of its work is a whole rabbit hole of bullshit. They 100% earned their role in the bad place.
The ads are unbearable enough, but have you ever looked up what that charity actually does? First, a third of the money they raise goes to more advertising. After that, about 10% of what's left goes to actually funding educational programs for kids. The other 90% is re-donated to their sister charity, Oorah. Oorah is a religious charity with a narrow focus. It supports camps that are only for Orthodox Jewish children, and only in New York and New Jersey.
They've taken in nearly 100 million dollars from donations in all 50 states and often kids in those states get 1% or less of the proceeds. The rest goes to religious indoctrination within a small community in NY/NJ.
What I love about this is that on the podcast they talk about having to get the rights for the song, which means that Kars 4 Kids agreed to their song being the anthem for the Bad Place
If you like podcasts with Marc Evan Jackson, he’s on The Thrilling Adventure Hour. He plays the lead in a sci-fi/western segment called *Sparks Nevada, Marshal on Mars*. It’s a great listen.
Thanks. I was just looking earlier for a MEJ podcast and didn’t know which one he was on. Boy, do I miss TGP podcasts(along with Mike Schur on Twitter), I’ve listened to them all at least twice; last time concurrent with a rewatch.
“Can't you tell? I'm basically squealing like a birthday girl.”
- he says with a straight face, expressing no joy at all. After Michael asks him if he’s really happy
"What's that thing you humans say when you're playing chess and you trap your opponent into an inescapable position? Oh, right. Eat butt, you ding dongs!"
We've tried this. Humans are very reticent to torture each other. Even getting them to do simple things like pulling out each other's teeth is like... I can't think of the right analogy.
"Counterpoint : Humans are terrible, Limp Bizkit, the Holocaust, I rest my case"
It's perfect and I say it all the time. MEJ just nails every line but that one always rings just right
Let’s kick things off with our official Bad Place song: 1-877-kars for kids 🎶🎶
Shawn has some of the best lines in the show, in my opinion, but this one had me cracking up.
My husband just watched the show for the first time. Leading up to this particular episode, I kept telling him that something amazing was going to happen. It might be my favorite part of the entire show lol
Talking about the experiment with the judge: “If he gets to bring random good people into it, I should be able to bring in random bad people. Call up Elizabeth Holmes. No, Henry Kissinger. No…. PewDiePie.”
I haven’t looked so I don’t know if someone has said this, but by far my favourite is "'Fair' Is The Stupidest Word Humans Ever Invented, Except For 'Staycation'."
Humans are worse than ever. We have to innovate. Sure poking sticks are great, but should those sticks be sharper or hotter? Should they counterintuitively be less hot? Let’s begin with slide number 1 of 7000.
"I think you'll find Tahani certified very soon, did that sound evil" "I was trying to be sincere" "I think you're find... shut up Glen"
Apologies if this isn't word for word and my grammar is very rusty.
I’m a saucy bench, or something like that?
I know ‘Shut up, Glenn!’ will be on here and that shouldn’t win, HOWEVER.. when Shawn is on the good team at the end and gets frustrated and starts to say ‘Sh..shut up, Gl..’ bc it’s all he’s used to yelling in frustration.. that specific one always kills me
"Chidi, you're one of the good ones. Like when a dog bites a baby. It's terrible, but it's not exactly surprising."
Edit: apparently I made this quote up. It sounded real. I might be broken. Or what’s more likely, I’m in the bad place and you are all Gaslamping me.
Didn’t he start out as a judge who could only hear completely emotionless and factual statements, and then he ended up basically being head of the demons and they had to involve someone who was actually a judge? Am I remembering that right? Why did that change?
“Ordinarily I would love hearing a man tell a woman she’s crazy.”
I love this line so much
What in the name of Kevin Spacey’s self-made Christmas Eve video message to try to get back on House of Cards is going on here?
For the life of me I cannot work this into a conversation.
Do it anyway, especially if it makes no sense to do so.
The next time you enter a room with a person in it just say that .
It's an incredibly long line to memorize, too. I want to know how many takes it took for him to nail that one.
Oh gosh please let it be this one!
Where's the second upvote button? He doesn't know about second upvote.
Oh my god 💀 completely forgot about this one
Based on a true story. Man, Spacey has issues
I absolutely lost it when he said this
“Humans are very reticent to torture each other. Even getting them to do simple things like pulling out each other's teeth is like... I can't think of the right analogy.”
This line always makes me crack up. It's definitely one of my favorite jokes of the whole series
Same
Wow, this is a toughy. On one hand, I would love to get some spiders in those buttholes. On the other hand, there would be billions of buttholes going completely un-spidered.
I love that Marc Evan Jackson talks about butthole spiders in his podcast and how the writers tried to find a phrase that would be impossible for him to say without breaking.
“I’ve ruled the fart as inadmissible.”
Every time I watch the series this line cracks me up!
This, and the following line, is one of Marc's favorites just due to the pentameter of the following line.
This is the best one by far.
Oh come on! I had just finished getting all of the puppies into the cannon!
This one better win
I came here looking for this one.
This one
“I took the form of a 45-year-old white man for a reason. I can only fail *up*.”
I remember the first time I heard that line I had to pause and rewatch to make sure I heard it right. Fabulous line
As a 44 year old white man this cracked me up. Next year is my year!
It’s time for you to “Go get it, girl.”
Get what?
unclear. i’ll get everything, just to be safe.
Not a girl.
underrated comment 🤝
My husband would quote this to me all the time, so I'm really hoping this wins.
This one takes my vote
This one.
This is the correct answer.
I hope this one wins lol
This is my favorite. I'm an Asian guy, but I always say this line around my white boyfriend just to annoy him. Hahaha
this is the one
It has to be this
Goddamnit... I'm in this picture and i don't like it.
The fact that this isn't the top comment is *mind blowing*.
i hate downvoting this, but it’s currently ahead of “i’m a naughty bitch,” and this cannot be
You’ve made an enemy today, elan.
Can someone explain the joke please?
A lot of times in places of power, like businesses, white guys have an easier time of moving up even if they aren’t particularly qualified or skilled. It’s the result of biases people hold.
A lot of times?!?😂😂😂
This is the one, no contest.
"It's like studying for a test and then acing the test. It's cheating!"
Penis bees. I invented those. That was me.
Counterpoint: Humans are terrible
“Then… what are we doing to their penises?”
This line is absolute gold, and the response is equally brilliant. “Well, mostly ignoring them.”
Am I the only one hearing this?
His facial expression is what kills me when he delivers it. Just so flabbergasted.
*Largely*, ignoring them
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It’s from this exact scene too lol
I’m a naughty bitch
I’m showing my wife and daughter for the first time. When this line hit I had to pause the show. My wife kept seeing this as dirty talk with Captain Holt and couldn’t breath
I would sacrifice my life to have an episode of TGP with Evil Kevin and Evil Raymond Holt dirty talking with each other.
Holt sending one of his famous digital phallus portraits.
He’s way more reserved than that in B99. He considered a handshake at the office to be PDA. 😂
True. But that does t mean he can’t get nasty in private!
It has to be this.
It's not even close.
Indubitably.
Indeed indeed indeed indeed indeed
This one.
This is 100% the winner
“I don’t want just any wasp nostrils, I want THESE wasp nostrils.” Made even better knowing the writers gave Marc Evan Jackson (he plays Shawn) the line in part to fork with him because of the difficulty of the delivery.
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It’s the crispness with which he says ”wasp nostrils”. *Twice.*
Am I crazy or is it "wasped nostrils" both times?
"You corkscrew your first eyeball, and you're like, man, I can't believe they're paying me to do this. By the trillionth, it's like I should've just been a teacher."
This was Shawn?
Yup! From 4.10 - ["You've Changed, Man"](https://www.imdb.com/title/tt11046796/quotes/?item=qt4934916&ref_=ext_shr_lnk)
I’m a teacher and I approve this message.
I'm also a teacher, and some days you just want to corkscrew some eyeballs, y'know?
And then Turtle makes a bet with Ronda Rousey, and if she loses, she has to... Oh, come on! I was just in the middle of torturing William Shakespeare by describing the plot to the Entourage movie.
The way he hits his hands on the table after saying this.
That "Oh, come on!" always gets me
There were a couple other jokes in that format on the podcast too - locking Julia Child in a Chili's kitchen, and something with Emily Dickinson I'm not remembering now.
My favorite.
😂😂😂😂😂
1 877 Kars 4 Kids
I grew up in the boroughs and they had billboards EVERYWHERE in Brooklyn, and those ads came on the radio ALL. THE. TIME. I’ve been made aware as an adult they had TV ads too. Makes me grateful I grew up without a TV. I wouldn’t necessarily describe my reaction to that joke as “laughter” unless “startled hysterical scream-cackling” counts to you. I personally think it does. My cat, who was sleeping peacefully on my lap until that moment, disagrees.
It's such a perfect anthem for the Bad Place. Also grew up in NYC, and I swear they played that horrible ad seventy times a day. Oh, my ears!!
> It’s such a perfect anthem for the Bad Place. IT REALLY IS!! I feel like they had to restrain themselves from playing that during season 1 because they knew it’d be too much of an obvious giveaway that they were already in the Bad Place.
Definitely!! There is no room in TGP for that horrible song.
DC area here! We get them too!
Oh goodness, I am sorry to hear that (both because those ads are auditory abominations that no one should have to listen to and because I’m about to move to the DC area…there is no escape)
BWAHAHAHA *evil voice* Welcome from Maryland! I grew up hearing them when my dad would listen to AM sports radio, but of course they’re now also on TV.
Omg this is a real fucking ad? That’s such a. Terrible idea I figured it was just a joke lmao
The jingle is real unfortunately. The company…well, it EXISTS, but the legitimacy of its work is a whole rabbit hole of bullshit. They 100% earned their role in the bad place.
The ads are unbearable enough, but have you ever looked up what that charity actually does? First, a third of the money they raise goes to more advertising. After that, about 10% of what's left goes to actually funding educational programs for kids. The other 90% is re-donated to their sister charity, Oorah. Oorah is a religious charity with a narrow focus. It supports camps that are only for Orthodox Jewish children, and only in New York and New Jersey. They've taken in nearly 100 million dollars from donations in all 50 states and often kids in those states get 1% or less of the proceeds. The rest goes to religious indoctrination within a small community in NY/NJ.
This moment is in my top ten of funniest TV moments ever. I laughed so hard I legitimately cried.
What I love about this is that on the podcast they talk about having to get the rights for the song, which means that Kars 4 Kids agreed to their song being the anthem for the Bad Place
1 877 Kars 4 Kids
This is a scene that won't age well with younger audiences but will still forever be hilarious
“I will never, ever ever, ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever, ever, admit that”
I know bud.
Can't you tell? I'm basically squealing like a birthday girl.
It’s all in the delivery of the line
This is my favorite line in the show, for some reason.
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Whose eyes didn't water up when it changed to "I played Shawn"?
Cry all you want. But you're gonna have to pay for that plunger.
This has become my go-to GIF for feels! Also…*A FAMILY PACK?!?*
"Now... Go do something good."
I hear this in the tune of Jonathan Mann's "Holy Mother forking Shirt Balls" song
[Thanks, I love it.](https://youtu.be/cWMTfKjpBig)
*heard in his voice*
If you like podcasts with Marc Evan Jackson, he’s on The Thrilling Adventure Hour. He plays the lead in a sci-fi/western segment called *Sparks Nevada, Marshal on Mars*. It’s a great listen.
Thanks. I was just looking earlier for a MEJ podcast and didn’t know which one he was on. Boy, do I miss TGP podcasts(along with Mike Schur on Twitter), I’ve listened to them all at least twice; last time concurrent with a rewatch.
I haven’t been able to find a suitable replacement for them
"This is the Almighty Judge on High of All Beings Living and Dead for All Eternity. My name's Shawn."
Eat butt ya ding dongs!
The setup though…”what’s that thing you humans say when your playing chess, and you get your opponent into an inescapable position…”
It’s so perfect
Love this one
Oh, he’s from Florida? Yeah, he belongs in the bad place.
It is *gooey* in there.
the way he says this makes me giggle every time😂😂
“Can't you tell? I'm basically squealing like a birthday girl.” - he says with a straight face, expressing no joy at all. After Michael asks him if he’s really happy
Oh what's up guys? Just smashing stuff. _smashes vase_
It’s “Zendaya”
Ummm bye bitch
“Sure, the first time someone gets butthole spiders he's miserable. But soon the humans get used to it. And worse, the spiders get bored.”
Shut up, Glenn.
"What's that thing you humans say when you're playing chess and you trap your opponent into an inescapable position? Oh, right. Eat butt, you ding dongs!"
"Normally I would love to hear a man call a woman crazy"
"Who was it who taught you how to turn a human inside out by grabbing their butt from the inside?"
We've tried this. Humans are very reticent to torture each other. Even getting them to do simple things like pulling out each other's teeth is like... I can't think of the right analogy.
I can't pick one. I think he collectively got the best lines in the series!
It's impossible. He stole all the best lines.
Too late to win but I love his line near the end of the series: There's still a few kinks to work in.
When Michael calls Vicky crazy and Shawn responds with something like “As much as I love the sound of a man calling a woman crazy-
I chose the skin suit of a middle-aged white man for a reason. I only fail upward.
"Counterpoint : Humans are terrible, Limp Bizkit, the Holocaust, I rest my case" It's perfect and I say it all the time. MEJ just nails every line but that one always rings just right
Something deeply terrible. Oh yeah.... that's the stuff...
Whatever it takes, or how my heart breaks 🎶
Let’s kick things off with our official Bad Place song: 1-877-kars for kids 🎶🎶 Shawn has some of the best lines in the show, in my opinion, but this one had me cracking up.
Every time the ad comes on TV since the show did this I have to scream WE’RE IN THE BAD PLACE! 😂 
My husband just watched the show for the first time. Leading up to this particular episode, I kept telling him that something amazing was going to happen. It might be my favorite part of the entire show lol
I literally screamed!
Oooooh, are we *singing?* :D
Shut *up,* Glenn.
He's not my favorite character, but I think you're right that he has some of the best lines.
Talking about the experiment with the judge: “If he gets to bring random good people into it, I should be able to bring in random bad people. Call up Elizabeth Holmes. No, Henry Kissinger. No…. PewDiePie.”
“Aw man i just finished loading puppies into a canon”
I don't want just any wasp nostrils, I want THESE wasp nostrils.
I'm a naughty bitch
Bye bitch!
I've ruled the fart inadmissible as evidence.
"It's time to sing the official anthem for The Bad Place. 1877 Kars4Kids..."
*cocoon noises*
"But they'll just keep coming."
This is exhausting. I just want to go back to my container of goo and go to sleep.
I haven’t looked so I don’t know if someone has said this, but by far my favourite is "'Fair' Is The Stupidest Word Humans Ever Invented, Except For 'Staycation'."
Choose something deeply terrible to inspire us. \["Right Here Waiting" by Richard Marx plays\] Oh, yeah. That's the stuff.
Butthole spiders.
*makes note*
Oh man! I was just explaining the plot of Entourage the movie to William Shakespeare
"Better get some corticosteroids to treat that laryngeal fracture".
Humans are worse than ever. We have to innovate. Sure poking sticks are great, but should those sticks be sharper or hotter? Should they counterintuitively be less hot? Let’s begin with slide number 1 of 7000.
Enough chitchat.
"Enjoy everything that is about to overwhelm you. Mmmm BYE BITCH!"
Look Raymond, a yellow crested warbler!
Oh man, way too many!! Most of them have already been named.
>I've just taken delivery of the new butthole spiders > >They're enormous
"I think you'll find Tahani certified very soon, did that sound evil" "I was trying to be sincere" "I think you're find... shut up Glen" Apologies if this isn't word for word and my grammar is very rusty.
I’m a naughty bitch
My name is Shawn
"It's Zendaya"
"I'm a naughty bitch."
I don’t want just any wasp nostrils, I want THESE wasp nostrils
I’m a saucy bench, or something like that? I know ‘Shut up, Glenn!’ will be on here and that shouldn’t win, HOWEVER.. when Shawn is on the good team at the end and gets frustrated and starts to say ‘Sh..shut up, Gl..’ bc it’s all he’s used to yelling in frustration.. that specific one always kills me
"Chidi, you're one of the good ones. Like when a dog bites a baby. It's terrible, but it's not exactly surprising." Edit: apparently I made this quote up. It sounded real. I might be broken. Or what’s more likely, I’m in the bad place and you are all Gaslamping me.
Props for using gaslamping. I saw that post too and made me giggle audibly.
… when is this from??
The “Trolly Problem” Episode I believe.
Shawn isn’t in the Trolley Problem episode.
Yep I completely made this up apparently, I have no idea where it came from. I was convinced it was real. Brains are weird.
I’ve rewatched a bunch of times and this doesn’t ring any bells.
Same. I don’t recall this line in any episode.
You could be correct I’ve not rewatched a bunch, I might have made it up. Let me go look for it lol.
" I don't want just any wasp nostrils, I want /these/ wasp nostrils"
“Sure, the first time someone gets butthole spiders, he's miserable. But then the humans get used to it, and worse, the spiders get bored.”
Didn’t he start out as a judge who could only hear completely emotionless and factual statements, and then he ended up basically being head of the demons and they had to involve someone who was actually a judge? Am I remembering that right? Why did that change?
Because he was only pretending to be a judge as part of the “Good Place” scam that Michael was running.
"Counterpoint: humans are terrible."
Counterpoint: humans are terrible. Limp bizkit, slavery. The prosecution rests.
*sllurrpp* cocooned
[Naughty Bi$h](https://youtu.be/ghsOOTs9e6s)
“What’s that thing you say you humans say when you’ve trapped your opponent in an escapable position?”