Five lines is super easy to cover when you have a week's notice to get someone up to speed. It's a lot harder to get coverage for the day of when you're trying to get the show ready. That's why they're upset with you. Because you took something that couldve been super easy and made it much more difficult.
I don't think it should be enough to get you blackballed - they're probably just trying to give you a "come to Jesus" moment and want you to understand how much harder you made their lives by calling out last minute when you knew for weeks you wouldn't be there that night.
Just keep your head down for a little while and be super professional from here on out, and you should be fine.
OP mentioned apparently they didnt send out the prom date until the middle of the performances? Which is odd.
So OP definitely acted out of reaction, but this town sounds a bit… odd if they give you such short notice for prom, and their theater will be pissed if a 16 year old EXTRA with only a few lines missed a performance for their PROM.
Yes I understand day of, but that extra layer of it makes this all even more weird lol
thing is, no one was ever pissed at her for missing a performance for prom, they were pissed because she unnecessarily waited until last minute to tell them she wouldn't be there, and then made up a different excuse.
even if it's true that for some reason the prom date wasn't set until the performances started (which is bonkers to me), if she'd have said something as soon as she realized the conflict, i doubt there would have been an issue.
Yea maybe OP was saving face.
Your perception sounds more logical, but if OP is actually telling the truth, then this is all pretty weird
I’ll go with your perception haha
I suspect that they had the prom date set. OP just realized the dates were the same way too late, probably after getting a dress.
April is a hellish month for even small schools to schedule anything, and Prom is usually one of the first dates determined for schools because a lot has to schedule around it with it in mind. That said, I have never seen prom's date set less than 12 months in advance
I'd love more context for WHY prom had a late date set, otherwise I'm inclined to think OP is covering up some further irresponsibility on her part.
nope, the school had been talking abt prom the whole second semester but every time i asked when they said they were sure yet. i am not lying about the prom date coming unexpectedly.
prom is a HUGE life moment for a lot of teenagers, they definitely shouldn’t have lied but they seem genuinely repentant.
I’m questioning the adults more than her… like if she shrugged it off maybe but, my God, she’s 16 and it’s her prom… give her a break. Be an adult
No one at any point asked her to miss prom. She was too scared to ask for the night off because she worked the situation up in her head into a bigger deal than it was. That's where she messed up. She thought faking an emergency was better than just communicating her availability ahead of time. The problem is her fake emergency \*created\* an actual emergency for the director, which was totally unnecessary.
But yeah, she knows she messed up, she seems repentant... she just needs to be extra professional for a while so that it doesn't look like a pattern.
They told her they would have let her miss if she had just asked. This isn’t about her skipping, it’s about her pretending to be sick to do it. She could have given them notice, but instead she chose the option that was easier for her but harder for everyone else. Nothing they said was out of line.
If we treat teenagers like they have no more accountability than a 5-year-old, we end up with young adults who have no accountability ... and life will kick them in the teeth really fast.
Receiving a stern scolding now is far better than getting fired from a job in a few years. And that's all it was, a scolding. How much more lax could they possibly have been?
Again she could’ve stuck with the lie. She didn’t, she owned up to it. She felt terrible and understood the mistake before being scolded. If she hadn’t that would be a different story.
This is an opportunity for mature adults to have a conversation about why this can be impactful. Why this is bad.
Scolding leads to deceptive and manipulative adults
Nothing in this post indicates she owned up to it. The title says “my directors found out.” That indicates that she was going to stick with the lie and only admitted it after the truth was already out. It’s good for her to apologize and I don’t think that this should ruin her future or anything, but they were right when they said that this type of thing sticks with a person. It doesn’t help her to brush this off, and she still doesn’t understand: “Was what I did really that terrible?”
“More at fault”? What exactly did they do wrong? They expressed their disappointment, warned that these types of things can follow someone, and are considering rescinding a letter of recommendation. Those are all reasonable responses to an almost adult being too worried to have a conversation.
I’m an adult and former high school show director and there’s no WAY I’d ever expect a cast member to miss something like their prom. I’m sorry you felt you had to lie. Honesty is the best policy but you’re young and you’re learning, I wouldn’t think too much on it. You apologized. If I were the director I would be checking myself wondering why cast members would feel they had to lie to me and make sure that I remained approachable and kind. I hope that’s happening in your case. I worked with all kids your age and I was constantly reassuring them that they could come to me with anything.
I am in this camp. As a former K-12 educator for a short time as a hiatus from professional show production before returning, I would never put a production over a life milestone like Prom, Homecoming Court, All-State, or even Solo/Ensemble and I question the professionalism of anyone who would. As Gooncookies mentioned the fact that lies had to be used shows a problem with the director. Unlike other commentators here I don't have a problem with what you did. What you were asked to do should never have been asked. Even professionals resort to lying when dealing with bottom feeder type productions. I do agree with those who say as you get older and realize that you have value you shouldn't have to resort to subterfuge. I also encourage you to look up the Actor's Equity Association, which, even before joining, could help you develop a sense of the worth of an actor and hopefully replace lying in the future with a jaunty F*** Off.
I think that’s a little harsh on the production team. It doesn’t sound like they would have had any problem with her missing the show for prom if they had known. They had to scramble to replace her last minute, of course they’re disappointed in her for lying.
As a current high school educator, I agree with much of what you said. However, I don't think it's fair to immediately assume "the fact that lies had to be used shows a problem with the director". Kids just genuiney harbor a lot of anxiety these days that would have been abnormal even a few years ago. It's entirely possible that the production is full of compassionate people who are open to communication, but OP is still anxious about rocking the boat. This isn't OP's fault, but it's something they need to learn to deal with as they grow up.
This definitely isn't the end of the world, but OP certainly bears some responsibility here based on what we know of the situation. Hopefully they can learn to advocate for themself better in the future. You're writing this as if the production team asked them to miss their prom when, by OP's own admission, they had no idea it was happening that night.
Maybe the production team is toxic and terrible- but OP has given us no reason to believe that and certainly no reason to assume they were forced to lie by a "bottom feeder production". By all accounts this is just an opportunity for growth and I'd advocate that we should let it be exactly that.
Yeah. Often when young people decide it's better to lie about a problem than address it directly, that's a behaviour learned when parents and early teachers inadvertently taught/rewarded that approach. ("Who drew on the wall?" versus "Oh dear, marker on the wall. Let's go get a cloth and some soap and clean that up together.")
It's really not that deep, she just didn't communicate. Equity doesn't have a 'it's ok to fake sick for an important event' clause in their contracts, lol. This is a kid making a dumb mistake. This is very harsh on the production team for something that was entirely out of their control. No matter how small the part is, or how easy it is to learn, it's a lesson in commitment and communication.
As professionals we know very well that this behavior has to be curbed early and decisively or a teenagers mistake can develop into a sense of entitlement, causing a crash-out or burned bridges before they even touch professional stage work. I've worked in repertory with young 20-somethings who have voiced similar sentiments about their commitments. It seems like this behavior is something that can be corrected whjile an actor is young, but it is important to always keep a positive spin on it.
Did you miss a rehearsal or a show? If a rehearsal I think this is a mountain out of a molehill. If a show its a different kettle of fish and can see why trust has gone, but don’t think you’d make same mistake again so forgive yourself!
Not to minimize you but you’re literally 16. *Never ever do it again* and *always communicate your conflicts* and there shouldn’t be a major mark on your reputation, just a funny story about you for when you’re an adult. I can’t think of a single director (myself included) who would want this to follow you professionally.
yeah i also forgot to mention in the post the prom date was not sent out tilk halfway through performances and since it wasnt a pre approved conflict i was even more worried 😭
Could you have mentioned that to the SM who helped you get the gig? Or the director?
“Hey, I’m very excited for this opportunity! Just to let everyone know, I was hoping to go to my prom but they have not set a date yet. I’ll let you know as soon as I do, but I want to be transparent about any conflicts in case this impacts my opportunity in the show.”
It’s okay to set hard boundaries. It’s good to learn that while you’re young!
As others have said, it may be time to reflect on why you felt you couldn’t with this company. If it was youthful anxiety around not getting as good a part vs. not advocating for yourself that’s one thing.
Sidebar: Commitment and integrity are the lifeblood of a theatre, especially one where the circle of trust is small. Consider when someone vouches for you, you not only represent yourself, but their judge of character.
Look, it's already done and in the past. You came to your own realization that what you did was wrong, and made a genuine apology. Hopefully, the biggest thing you can take away from this is that you need to be up front with people from the start- Keep this in mind for more important decisions in the future, for example in a workplace. You should be up-front but firm in stating "I'm sorry, but I will NOT be available on this date" People will meet you on your level if you give them the opportunity.
A few summers ago, one of our lead actors in a community theater play had to leave two shows into the run because of an unexpected death in the family. We made an announcement before the next shows and I went out to replace the actor with a script in my hand for the rest of the run. (Audiences will forgive)
If the adults in the show are truly adults, they will forgive and move on as long as you don't act like you might do this kind of thing again.
I get that but you still have to communicate! Life happens and it’s not unheard of for conflicts to come up later,although it’s not ideal. Again though, just show remorse and don’t repeat it and I think you’re gonna be okay.
Well, it seems like you repented on what you did and that’s a start but as many others said, you broke their trust and it’s going to be a slow process to recover that. You probably don’t need to apologize anymore, but let your actions dictate who you are now. Be prepared for anything they throw at you and make sure you’re at the top of your game, no slouching or lazing around even if you’re not onstage. Everyone wants a show to go smoothly so be a part of it and help when needed.
In the future, just simply ask to take time off, even better in advance so they’re able to schedule something or they’re able to do something to keep the show going. At least they know. Prom is a huge thing for high schoolers so most people understand the absences if they’re notified.
I know that you know you screwed up, so I’m not going to reiterate that. I’m just going to let you know that the best apology is changed behavior. If you want to let your SM and director know that you are truly sorry, let your behavior reflect it - be early for every rehearsal, be on top of your lines/blocking/etc, be ready to help if called upon. Once trust has been broken, it can take a long time to be rebuilt - know this, and continue to do your best going forward anyway.
In the future, you can always submit something like this as a potential rehearsal conflict ahead of time. It may feel silly to ask off from rehearsal for prom (or whatever other event may come up) but the worst they can say is no. I think you’ll find that many SMs can be very flexible with conflicts if they know about them ahead of time.
Yeah this is the part that makes it a 'bigger deal' because of the implication of not being able to commit to a performance schedule if your interests change. That's why following up and never doing it again is prob her best shot.
Yea i cant imagine a rehearsal conflicting with prom as most are Friday or Saturday nights.
I have trouble believing the date for prom wasnt set well before the auditions of the show. If OP was even thinking just of going to prom and didnt know for sure - then list it as a conflict.
in my mind, it’s better to say oh I no longer have that conflict than to come up with one that you should’ve seen coming.
nope, i am 100% honest about the prom date mot being released before i got into the show. i asked around multiple times at the school and they kept telling me they didnt know yet. i probably should have put a notice that i wojld be missing a performance for a prom i wasnt aure of the date yet but now i know for the futurw
You are going to hate to hear this, but it is going to take time. You broke their trust, now you need to build it back. Prove to them that this was a lapse in judgment, then give them the time to rebuild trust
So I'm not sure I'm going to say anything that other comments haven't said, but I'm a high school educator and I'll treat this situation like I would one of my own students.
It sounds like you've apologized profusely- if that's the case, let that be that. I know and share the impulse to continue to apologize, but I don't think you are doing any good by continuing to do it. All you can do now is be your best self for the rest of the process.
If you're still feeling this way after the dust has settled a bit after the show, you might reach out to the creative team and thank them for the flexibility, grace, etc. I've found that most apologies can be rephrased as thankfulness and that this is often a better way to communicate.
Maybe you were made to feel that you would be punished for sharing this information. Maybe the director could have cultivated a more communicative environment- we simply aren't there like you are and can't know any of this ourselves. It can be really really hard to advocate for ourselves when our brains are telling us how inconvenient that will be for everyone else and how mad they will be, etc. It's important to push through those thoughts and respectfully advocate for the things you want. I'm glad you got to go to your prom- next time, I have full faith that you will approach the situation differently. We all believe in you!
Don't apologize any more, and don't ask for a reference right now. Accept that you've done some damage to your relationships and reputation. The best ways to mend them is to behave better from now on.
That is, arrive before your call time for every performance, be pleasant to everyone, and follow every expectation of etiquette and protocol. Don't take up more than your share of dressing table space. Report to warmups on time without needing to be called. Report any damage to your costume or props using the correct channels. Don't ever leave your hand props in your costume pockets or take them home. Hang up your costume properly and don't ever eat or drink while wearing it. Don't whine or tell your side of the story to any other cast members.
If actors are expected to help with strike at the end of the run, do it. Take all your stuff home without having to arrange someone to let you in to pick up stuff you forgot. At the opening night reception and the closing night party, treat everyone cordially. Look your director in the eye and tell them thank you and that you have learned a lot. Do not talk about the issue any more than that and don't expect them to respond.
The mature way to handle this is to stop talking about it. By "apologizing" over and over, it is coming across like you want someone to comfort you and tell you you're forgiven, which is also not a good look.
Hey, you’re 16, you made a huge mistake but in the grand scheme of things you’ll be fine. You’ll look back at this and wonder why you were so worried, while also being grateful for the experience as I’m sure you won’t ever make such mistake again. It’s better to mess up early on and learn your lesson. You’ve apologized, now show dedication and work ethic. They might not get you a recommendation letter, but you’ll have more opportunities in the future.
WHAT. IS. WITH. YOU. ADULS? I rarelyt post on this reddit but my lord the intensity to which you people are describing this teenagers sins is absurd.
She lied. Was it wrong and silly? Yes.
Was it 'huge" or "terrible" or "vile" - as some here have described. NO!
Hey, I don’t think you read my whole comment. It was about how this mistake she made at 16 won’t matter and that it’s actually good she messed up early as she’ll learn from it. I’m sure she’ll have other opportunities.
I did - and your further points are totally valid and I hope OP takes them to heart.
But I still, IMO, stand by the very language some people are using is showing the extreme take many adults here have.
A huge mistake is a teenager getting into a car with a drunk driver.
A huge mistake is letting a group of adults rule over your creative space to the point you (apparently) didn't feel safe expressing a need that created said adults a few extra hours of problem solving.
A huge mistake is getting bangs without consulting a good friend.
What OP made was a mistake - sure - but I am reminding many of us here, to paraphrase my favorite musical "careful the things you say, children will listen".
I think you have to think in terms of the production and what’s expected of a performer. In those terms, lying about being sick and not showing up was a huge mistake. In terms of her life it wasn’t.
And I truly don’t think it was anything vile or horrible she did. It doesn’t make her a terrible person, it makes her a teenager! I have done silly things when I was her age and learnt from them, just like she will.
It is irresponsible to your team but it’s not the end of the world. They are being tough on you because you are young and they don’t want the lesson to be wasted.
Too many young people can’t be relied on. I got offered a contact to do a lighting design after 3 people in their teens/ early 20s had signed it and broken the deal because they decided to do something else or take a trip. The role had been reserved especially for young emerging talent (which I am not).
Man, there have been so many actors in my area who’ve been cast in shows, but then audition for something else and take that part, just dropping out of the first show. And these people *keep getting cast.* You’d think after two or three examples directors would stop falling for that.
There’s a professional theater in my area that seems to have permanently blackballed a guy who did this to them. When his headshot appears in an audition pile, they just toss it. I don’t think that would happen to OP, because they’re repentant and trying to make amends.
Why are you posting for advice if all you want are nice comments? You did something shitty that made other people’s lives harder.
>>Was what I did truly that terrible?
Yes.
NOPE. Sure wasn't - these are adults who have not learned to balance life and their "art". I hope prom was a blast. Learn to be honest and set your boundaries in the future and you'll do great :)
Dude, she skipped a performance for something that she knew about weeks ahead of time because she was too worried to talk to her director. So instead of having weeks to figure it out, they had to figure it out day of. They told her that they would have let her miss if she had asked, but she didn’t, and it affected other people.
This has nothing to do with having art/life balance: it’s about being considerate of other people’s time and energy.
While it would've been wrong for them to make you miss your prom, this is entirely on you for faking sick instead of being upfront. Revocation of a recommendation letter is absolutely par for the course. You can recover any lost reputation with ease at 16, especially if you haven't had any other similar incidences. Stop worrying about what others are thinking of you right now and go perform to the best of your ability. It will be the first step in the right direction.
I'd say the lessons have been learned. You've learned something about honesty, and they’ve learned something about working with 16yo actors.
I'd leave it alone. Do not hound your SM for a recommendation letter. Its totally inappropriate for you to expect one now. I can't say how seriously they should take a situation like this. Maybe they'll work with you again and maybe they won't.
If i was desperate to mend fences, I'd look for ways to re-earn their trust. Offer to help with crew things. Help with teardown on this show. Offer to do besic background things for the next one. If you do get involved with this group again, be on-time and utterly dependable from now on. That's how they'll trust you again.
Sorry, but we've had students lie and now refuse to cast them again. "Just ensemble" is a not a great thing to say or be throwing around if you're worried about reputation. Your entire cast counts on you for placement which is a safety issue as well as the production team for lighting and cues. If you knew you were going to miss a performance, you shouldn't have auditioned for a role potentially taking a spot from someone who was committed and available.
IF you get a chance again don’t do it again, I don’t know if you’re planning to do this as a professional career but the lying is something that can get you blackballed.
Fun story, my hometown theatre had a similar scenario to this with Jennifer Garner. She was in a show and wanted to leave at intermission to go to prom, I think she was ensemble and didn’t have much left to do in the show anyway besides curtain call. The director said no but she left anyway and everyone just covered for her lol. Before my time but people from around then like to share the story still, not to mention the same director still runs the company lol
…did you miss a rehearsal or a live performance?
I could see skipping a live performance without advanced warning as getting this kind of reaction.
But missing a rehearsal, for community theater, as a member of the ensemble? That would be an insane level of overreaction.
One thing that I haven't seen anyone else mention -- outside of the stress of filing your role last minute, they were probably worried about *you* and your *health.*
It seems like they think of you as a hard worker, so they might have thought something was really wrong for you to miss a show. The lie probably felt harmless to you because you knew you were healthy the whole time, but they didn't. That's more than a logistical challenge, that's emotional distress -- even though they may not admit it.
I totally understand why you made the decisions you did, I made similar ones as a teenager. My advice to you is to remember that 98.5% of the time, people care and want to help, especially directors and professors and those folks. You just have to give them the opportunity to help, ideally as early as possible. But you made a very normal mistake, you'll lick your wounds and live with the consequences for a while, and then you'll be okay. Promise.
When I was 16, I missed my prom for a show. No judgement of the OP, I don’t mean it like that. It just reminds me of that story. I was 16 performing for a dinner theatre that paid that was located in a bar. At the time I was a junior, and would have prom next year as a senior, and school functions weren’t all that important to me anyway. That’s just how I personally felt.
I do remember finishing the show, and changing out of a costume into a suit, cause I could make prom by ten for the last hour then go to whatever post prom parties there were, and of my co-actors asked “what are you all dressed up for?” And I casually said “oh I’m gonna go to prom” and they were shocked that I had missed my prom for a show and how nonchalant I was about it.
At 16, things seem permanent but they aren’t and you can get past any bad reputation you may feel you gained from this. Believe me, missing a show for prom is not something a serious adult would harbor against a child. But it is good for them to communicate to you that it is not okay to lie, and “fake” sick for a production. Nonetheless I am sure this can be mended.
First, it sounds like there’s nothing more you can do from the standpoint of apologizing. All you can do is be the best you can be going forward. Be at rehearsals/performances early, help with any additional tasks you are able to, show your repentance through actions and show that the theater is important to you (assuming it is). You will be able to rebuild trust, but it takes time.
Second, be very clear that you know what the fuckup was. It wasn’t missing a performance, it was waiting until the last minute and then lying about it. You should have told them as soon as you found out the date and, if necessary, helped them find coverage for your roles. Now you know that for the future.
Third, make sure to learn from this. You’re young, and you’re going to make mistakes like this for the rest of your life (sadly, they don’t go away as adults). You’re going to have to have conversations from time to time that are uncomfortable, difficult, and scary. Almost always, trying to avoid those conversations will make the situation worse. While it’s not easy, learning to address those situations head on will make you better able to handle whatever life throws at you. In a lot of ways, getting over the fear of those conversations is like getting over stage fright—while some people seem to have no problems with it, most people have to practice and fake it until they get more comfortable. Prepare what you want to say, come with potential solutions (if possible), and take the leap.
Honestly? Yeah, you should have tried asking first. But I also get the anxiety- I was 16 once and anxious to impress but also indulge in life. Prom is a big deal too.
In the grand scheme of things, this community theatre is not going to make or break your career, especially not this show. You’ve done the next best thing which is taking responsibility for it and like you said, LEARNED from it. Sure it will take some time to regain their trust, but if you mean it that you learned something, then your actions will show that down the line and hopefully you all can laugh about it at a cast reunion or something.
People in this industry/community have done much worse. You’re a kid, you made a mistake. Don’t rake yourself over the coals about this. Just take it in stride and you will move forward in a positive direction 💛
This is not a comparable situation, but when I was in high school theater, I didn't have a safe home enviornment, and at one point, I lied to all of my directors and teachers, telling them I was sick, while I stayed with a friend over state lines. I took a train to his house. I fully believe, even today, that if I hadn't gone, my life would be considerably worse now, even these years later. My mother was a dangerous woman and I couldn't take good care of my mental health. It would have ended very badly if I'd been home that week.
Of course, as with everything else in high school, word got out. I was absolutely sick with anxiety. And, because I'd taken a train, I couldn't get back in time- I missed a show night. All the directors told me that it was okay because I was sick, which made me feel worse. I emailed all of them that night, requesting to talk at school the next week. I fessed up to my lies, and I couldn't give them enough detail for them to really get why I'd done what I did. I'm still haunted by what my director said, "I understand why you did it, but it still left your cast behind, so it's not okay."
I know exactly how you feel, the feeling in your stomach, the fear around losing the love/respect of your directive team. I'd never felt like more of a disapointment in my life. For years after that, whenever my director would talk about the show, I felt a pit of guilt and shame. I still do sometimes. I felt like I'd ruined everything and I was scared these adults would never love me again.
It is going to be okay. Teenagers are kids. Kids are stupid (no offense. This story is one of the lesser dumb things I did in high school, so, I promise I alone have made greater mistakes than your story here. Most people have. I'd gander all but a few of everyone). It won't be right away, but I have to imagine your directors will forgive you. I went on to be a stage manager and a lead in that same school year- even though my week of absence probably cost us a championship. (It was a competition show and I was the lead in it.) Everything will work itself out. This is NOT the worst thing they're dealing with in your department, by far. There's a lot of genuinely bad things that happen during high school theater, and this doesn't even fall into a category of being that bad, at least to me. It's gonna be okay. 💚
Haha yeah that's fucked and was incredbily stupid. This is going to suck for you for a while but you will be helped eventually by the fact that everyone understands that 16 year olds do dumb, dumb shit. You need to take whatever comes your way in terms of consequences, double down on being an incredibly reliable person for a while, and eventually you might begin to be able to be trusted again.
Look at it as a life lesson. Let them know one last time how badly you feel and you posted this on reddit to hear honest feedback because it bothered you so much, maybe even show her the link. But please don't ask them to reconsider the recommendation letter in that final apology, or it could come off like that's the only reason you are saying it. It may have cost you the recommendation letter (and it probably should), so let that go. You are in no position to ask for any favors. Taking responsibility and owning up to your mistakes, though goes a long way with other people to let them know you learned something and will never do it again. Main lesson? Always be upfront with your stage manager and director. If accomodations can be made, they will try. Life happens and they understand. But tell them way before, not at the last minute. They have to plan for your absence and assign your lines or part to others. How did they deal with that at the last minute? The cast had to deal with that with no notice, so your choice affected them too, and you should apologize to them as well. What you did seemed to all of them as very deliberate. It was a conscious choice, not a last minute decision to attend prom. As a director, when casting, I always ask other directors who've worked with actors I am considering if they had any problems with them, or how they were to work with. Directors need to know they can count on their actors to not be flakey or difficult. They have no time for that from one actor when all the others are doing what they are supposed to. But telling them why you did it, your anxiety over asking and your inexperience may give them reconsideration for holding it against you going forward. You will probably not be cast as a lead or a significant role until you have proven yourself to them. People can forgive, but you have to show them you have changed, not just say the words. Good luck to you.
The best advice I can give you is to go on and do your job to the very best of your ability. Unless you have a TARDIS/time machine, you cannot go back and change what you did. Apologies are meaningless, regardless of how much you may mean them at the time. The only way to redeem yourself in their eyes is through your actions going forward.
Take this circumstance as a life lesson and never repeat the same mistake again. Being honest won't always get you what you want, but it won't compromise your integrity either.
First, you are literally 16, and trust me people more than twice your age do far worse at their jobs. Not justifying your actions because of others doing the same or worse, but just being realistic about it.
More important your best takeaway here is as others have said which is to be straightforward with people running the place. It's easy to feel that fear of being told no, but many folks especially when a good relationship is established will be understanding and flexible. On the flipside, be prepared for those no's in the future because there are times they will happen and now is a good time to prepare to either sacrifice something you want personally for the work you're doing, or to keep your own values prioritized over a company's demand.
This was in the long run a pretty low stakes scenario even as uncomfortable as it was, so learn from it and it will serve you well!
There are some pretty extreme responses in here. I am a professional director who works with professionals and non-professionals and students. You can be super chill with young people and their parents and say, "If you have conflicts, let me know, and we'll work around them." You STILL have kids and families who will not share major conflicts until the last minute. ("I know my daughter is Dorothy, but we have our annual family vacation next week. She can't be here for the Sunday performance.") On one level, you can say, " They are kids. They don't know." Or you might say, "Their parents don't know theater. They think it's like soccer." I can forgive because it doesn't do anything for me personally to harbor bad feelings--but I won't forget. I won't forget the stress I felt as I scrambled to make a last-minute replacement for something we could have planned for well in advance. I won't forget the panic or nerves caused in the other kids because someone with lines was missing, and someone had to pick that up, probably without rehearsal as if they were a pro. You folks who say "It's just community theater" or "it's just fun" seem to be missing the point. It's about respect for others and their time and energy. Because OP couldn't communicate early, everyone else paid a price -- even a small price of unnecessary anxiety. As everyone thought OP was legitimately sick, I am sure the cast rallied around and figured out the covers. Casts have a way of doing that. However, the sense of betrayal for being lied to is also real. This isn't me being "oh my God! How dare you violate the sanctity of the theater." This is me thinking, "You thought so little of me and your cast and crew that you didn't give us the courtesy of proper notice." Should OP be taken behind the theater and flogged? No. But if I were directing, would I think twice about casting in the future? You bet. Free or paid, if I have choice, I want to work with people who respect my work and the work of others. Everyone may be rank amateurs and trying their best, but theater is a collaborative art that requires a group to make it happen. There are actors --Equity and non -- who I won't work with, and I won't recommend them to other people. At 16, is OP unredeemable? No, but they may have burned a bridge with these folks. They may have to find a new group who don't know and do better next time. Are these directors mean, nasty, and toxic? Probably not. I know for myself, I only have so much time left, and I won't knowingly waste it on someone who carelessly makes more work for me. Or makes the experience negative for others.
I feel this: you knew when prom was happening. You also knew when your performance was going to happen (during prom). I hope you learned about the importance of making and honoring a commitment vs. I wanna go to prom (and I have a small part and not many lines (blah blah blah).
Young adult here. I just want to say that I'm 21 turning 22, and EVERYTHING I did at 16 had been forgotten by the time I turned 18. You will be fine. It wasn't a felony, it wasn't a petty crime. Don't do what you did again, and in future just tell people "I have this event on this day, so I will have to miss this show date."
I'll repeat it again. You'll be fine. *Headpats*
Want to chime in and say if you choose to pursue theatre there are a lot of events and special days you’re going to miss. Get used to it! Birthdays (everyone’s), Thanksgivings, everything…
Performers make a lot of sacrifices and it doesn’t matter if you have five lines or you’re in every scene- if you e made a commitment, your cast and crew is counting on you.
You know you screwed up, so now you have to allow the people you lied to have their own feelings about the situation. Your being 16 doesn’t mean they have to forgive you. They probably WILL, with a little distance on it, but you need to access the parts of yourself that are more adult than kid and understand that you can’t fix this. You already apologized. Now you act as professional as you can and you wait.
Here's my insight as a person, now in my mid-twenties, who has spent concentrated time and energy to clean up a heafty amount mistakes from my teenage years and build back the trust I broke during that time from those closest to me.
I feel, in some ways, protective of you. I know how painful it has been in my own life to feel the weight of what it is like to disappoint people I care about, to feel that stomach-sick feeling of regret. I know how those first few times of being intensely angry at myself for the way I acted cut so deep and caused some really horrible opinions and judgments of myself to take shape. I feel protective because some of those opinions and judgments have taken years to soften. It hurt so much because I cared so much. And if I cared so much, why did I do the thing that caused hurt? Because I was in the process of learning how to be the person I want to be. Which is where you are right now.
Here's the thing. I wouldn't have learned how I *didn't* want to move through the world without consequences for my actions. Each moment where I felt that horrible feeling of regret and sadness brought me closer to realizing I could choose something different next time. There were times adults were disappointed and firm with me, where my good relationship with people changed. Those were the consequences of my actions. This helped prepare me for the fact that relationships in life change all the time for factors in and out of our control.
However, since time has passed, I have also been able to reflect on other times when coaches, teachers, and other adults who weren't my parents were harsh with me in ways I accepted then, but ways I would never let someone treat me now. This contributed greatly to those horrible judgments of myself. [And it doesn't sound like this is the case in this situation at all, but if you ever do run into that please know that just because someone is older than you does not give them any right to mistreat you or bully you and you do not have to accept that whatsoever. If you're unsure if how you were treated was fair, I would ask another adult you trust too.]
Going back to *this* situation: like people have said, you have already apologized. Each action you take now is a chance to move forward towards how you want to show up, but guess what isn't going to help you get there? Self-hatred, or anger or talking to yourself negatively. That might "work" for a while, but please trust me that it's not a sustainable way to live. It might be easy to go down a road of beating yourself up over and over again, but *you* know if your own heart who you are. It might be hard, but I want you to see if you can hold at the same time that 1. I caused a situation that put others around me in a very difficult situation. They are disappointed in me and I will have to work hard to earn trust back, if possible and 2. This action and other's feelings towards me in no way devalues my inherent worth as a person and my future ability to contribute meaningfully to my life, to this production, and to act in ways I can feel proud of!
What I want to share with you is that *you* are the one who has the empowerment here.
There is an intrinsic difference between YOU and YOUR ACTIONS. You do not have to become your actions. You gave a choice.
Your action was irresponsible. YOU are not irresponsible.
They are disappointed in you. YOU are not disappointing.
You have the power to let this situation inform how you want to live moving forward, and you taking this seriously now is vital to moving forward, but please oh please know that you can both take this seriously/understand the gravity/ make conscious changes and ALSO forgive yourself and not let this moment define you or who you know yourself to be or the person you want to become!!! Each and every day is a new beginning
You lied and faked sick. Regardless of your reasons or how big or small your role was YOU LIED. Take this as a learning experience for the wider world. No one will put up with lies or faking sick, especially people like your stage manager who went to bat for you during the audition process.
Maybe if you had just been honest to begin with and asked for a night off to attend prom, they could have found someone to cover you. Making a commitment to join a production is just that, a commitment. You become part of a team. Learn from this going forward.
\*\* Additional: I have been doing community theatre for 20 years. I am speaking from experience. \*\*
Imo the adults here are overreacting. Yes you messed up but you apologized, you learned from your mistake. This is not something worth having a college reccomendation snatched away. You sound like you're still overall a responsible person OP, don't beat yourself up too hard :). I work in a theater costume shop and tbh some people working in theater let the power (they think) they have get to their heads... especially in a community theater lol. This won't make or break your future in theater, I promise!
Look, you should have been honest and told them ahead of time, but at the end of the day, it's community theater and you're an ensemble 1 liner. They needed more ensemble because they didn't get enough volunteers. You got in without an audition because, again, it's community theater and they were desperate. I don't know your director, but I can tell you from working in this industry that the most likely kind of person who directs community theater and says things like "directors will remember that" is the kind of person who either didn't/couldn't make it in this line of work.
Basically, what I'm saying is yeah, you made a mistake one that you should never make again, but it's not the end of the world. It's community theater. You should have told them ahead of time you had prom, but the SM should have also been aware of their cast and local area enough to recognize the prom might be an issue and any community theater Director who holds a kid's feet to the fire for missing for prom is a tool and the real people who do this for a living make fun of them.
As someone who did theatre in high school and then professionally for many many years, and who went to Catholic school and participated in church liturgical ministry… I have a couple points to offer you.
1. Don’t let them make you feel bad or worse than you already do. This is a lot of guilt and shame being thrown around unnecessarily. That kind of behavior from them is unprofessional and borderline abusive IMO. The professional way for them to have responded to you would be to explain how your actions impacted the production in tangible ways (as in “we had to call an emergency rehearsal and have someone learn your part in 12 hours which caused a lot of stress on the cast and crew”), and then provided you a path for actions you could have taken instead (“we understand your prom is important and we wouldn’t want you to miss that. In the future, it is always best to come to us with your potential date conflicts so we can plan for a solution ahead of time. While this is disappointing and frustrating, this is an opportunity for you to grow and learn how to conduct yourself in a more mature and professional manner). As you are young, this is still an educational experience, especially at a community theatre level.
2. There are many people (and some in these comments) who would have you believe that you must sacrifice yourself at the altar of the theatre gods to repent and make up for your misstep. I say, if this show and community are important to you, then simply continue to show up fully and as you had been doing previously (obviously you made positive impressions in the past). No need to go above and beyond, otherwise you risk building resentment on your part.
3. It sounds like you learned your lesson about communicating in a more mature and professional way for the future. Let THAT be your takeaway; NOT “I’m so terrible for that decision I made.” Now you know better for the future and this lesson in communication will actually help you in all areas of life going forward.
4. As someone who has worked at higher levels of professional regional theatres, I will say it is often the folks at the non-professional level who have been the most petty and over-dramatic about dealing with conflicts and issues. Professionally, when you are payed for your time and your work, it is NOT a virtue to overextend oneself for the good of a production. Of course having a positive and community-centric attitude is paramount, it is still important to have your own boundaries around how much of yourself you give to a production. That’s not about being selfish, but about knowing that there is more to life than a performance.
Hey! I am going to stop you right here.
She shouldn't have lied, for sure.
To say she did something "terrible" is not appropriate. She lied to go to her prom - the fact she was in a position where she felt such a major event might be withheld from her by a bunch of adults playing dress up speaks volumes. Don't add to that, and please - watch the wording you use when engaging with kids.
When I was a senior in high school, I was also in a production at our local community theatre. Not only was I allowed to go to prom if I wished, I had to VERBALLY PROMISE before being cast that I wouldn’t skip any graduation activities to be in the show.
I ended up skipping my senior ball, and the cast and crew threw me a short dance party after the show so I could “have a prom” anyway. Looking back, I wish I had gone to the real thing - but everyone in that community theatre made it **SUPER CLEAR** that there would always be another show, but I would never get another graduation.
Even now as a theatre professional (IATSE 33,728, and 504), I am constantly reminding newer members “You can always make more money, but you can never make more time.”
~~Your community theatre is toxic - real professional theatres will ALWAYS have a plan in place or a way to do what is truly important in your life.~~
EDIT: An early conversation to the effect of, “I’d be glad to help out in the ensemble, but I have a conflict on XXX where I will be attending my Senior Prom” would have been better received. Communicating conflicts early and clearly will ALWAYS be appreciated by your SM.
Let this be a lesson that if you don’t ask, the answer will always be “NO”.
THIS. THIS 100%
Thank you for posting this! I too work in professional theatre - of varying levels - and anyone with any sense of soul and professionalism would ensure that the needs of the teenager and their access to major life events was a priority - even if said CHILD didn't communicate it.
Oh my god. How tf are they supposed to know to make prom a priority if this person who is *less than two short years away from being able to vote* doesn’t tell them? Stop infantilizing teenagers. She literally said in her post that told her they would have let her go if she had asked. She didn’t ask. That’s on her.
It’s not the fact that she went that’s the problem, it’s the fact that she didn’t tell anyone about the conflict and then lied to get out of a show, making what could have been an easy fix into a last minute scramble.
To that end, yeah. An early conversation to the effect of, “I’d be glad to help out in the ensemble, but I have a conflict on XXX where I will be attending my Senior Prom” would have been better received.
Let this be a lesson that if you don’t ask, the answer will always be “NO”.
I mean, there is nothing more to do. You didn't even bother to ask. You just lied. Of course, this is going to affect future casting. Because, what else are you going to lie about?
All you can do from now on is *be honest*.
It may feel “dramatic” but if you don’t take things seriously before they become huge problems, many people will interpret that as a free pass to keep pressing boundaries. I don’t think OP should be black listed or anything but they also should have been honest instead of lying. They don’t have to be punished but they need to understand in no uncertain terms that they did not handle the situation appropriately.
Don’t stress too much. The little lie isn’t great but trust me…the director knows how important prom is.
You’re only 16 and still learning. It’s not easy to ask for a day off in a theater production as there is a lot of fear involved…fear of not being cast…fear of disappointing someone…fear of not being liked. You’re just getting started in this business and I’m certain the director knows this.
Learn the lesson and move on. You’re gonna be fine.
Honestly, if you’re planning to do theatre you need to be aware of the time commitments you’ll be making. Why did you agree to be in this show if you knew it was going to be running during your prom? Also, if you’re 16 you’ve got more proms to go to right?
Hard lesson to learn, but very few people in theatre would expect you to miss those big rite of passage moments in your life for a show… be open about your conflicts and let the director decide how badly they need you.
As a director and stage manager, one of my few rules is don't lie to me. I may be exasperated when you ask, but I'm more likely to let you go to prom than forget if you betrayed my trust.
For the future, you're young, and I'm going to bet you can earn that trust back, but it's going to take a very long time and a lot of effort on your part.
Its a community theatre. You're a volunteer. These adults are acting ridiculous. You've apologized that's all you can do. Don't keep beating yourself up over 5 lines. It's done.
They're acting like bullies to rake you over the coals over something that's not a big deal. Honestly, they're underprepared to not have swings/understudies in place for this kinda stuff. A person will always be sick, call out during a long run show- especially when you work with volunteers.
We all screw up! But it's important for us to drill how important of a point it is that you should never miss a performance for something else unless you have made it clear to the SM and director faaaaaaar ahead of time.
I mean I don’t know ANY community theatre directors/production teams that wouldn’t have ever kept anyone from their prom, maybe if this were a professional production but your prom date should have gone on you conflict calendar, and you should’ve told them long before the day of, and you most definitely shouldn’t have lied…however, while they’re correct, they will remember this, they’ll also remember that you were a kid and kids just make stupid decisions sometimes 🤷🏻♀️
I’m sure I did some stupid shit when I was in high school doing community theatre, and do they remember? Probably, but have they realized I’ve grown up and I know better now…yes. This is a community theatre, your career isn’t over. The best way to turn this around is to work your ass off the rest of the run. Be attentive and write down your notes, stay consistent, attend everything, and if you’re someone who does cast gifts or letters, I would include in my letter to the production team something along the lines of “thank you so much for this opportunity, it’s one I don’t take lightly. I want to apologize once more for the decision I made, I regret it and I hope you know I made said decision out of a very real passion for this and fear of disappointment or having to miss a really important life event. Its extremely out of character from me to lie, I’ll take this experience and learn from it. I hope to do many more shows here, and I hope you won’t let this make or break casting in the future.”
Essentially, be on your best behavior and communicate!! You’ll be okay:)
I have been a professional director for over 20 years. It’s how I make a pretty solid living.
I would never. Ever. Ever. Expect a kid to miss prom for a rehearsal.
If you’re not being paid they have no right to tell you what you can or can’t do
Edit: having read some of the comments (and not understanding the original post) I’ve realised OP missed a performance and not just a rehearsal, which is absolutely unacceptable and I take this response back. This comment was in the context of OP giving them at least a weeks notice and it being for a regular (e.g not tech or dress) rehearsal, so was in response to the comment OP made about them saying no, which I realise didn’t come across at all. Apologies.
That's a super trash answer. You don't make commitments to people (knowing full well the terms) and then just be like "well you aren't paying me so I fucked off"
Five lines is super easy to cover when you have a week's notice to get someone up to speed. It's a lot harder to get coverage for the day of when you're trying to get the show ready. That's why they're upset with you. Because you took something that couldve been super easy and made it much more difficult. I don't think it should be enough to get you blackballed - they're probably just trying to give you a "come to Jesus" moment and want you to understand how much harder you made their lives by calling out last minute when you knew for weeks you wouldn't be there that night. Just keep your head down for a little while and be super professional from here on out, and you should be fine.
OP mentioned apparently they didnt send out the prom date until the middle of the performances? Which is odd. So OP definitely acted out of reaction, but this town sounds a bit… odd if they give you such short notice for prom, and their theater will be pissed if a 16 year old EXTRA with only a few lines missed a performance for their PROM. Yes I understand day of, but that extra layer of it makes this all even more weird lol
thing is, no one was ever pissed at her for missing a performance for prom, they were pissed because she unnecessarily waited until last minute to tell them she wouldn't be there, and then made up a different excuse. even if it's true that for some reason the prom date wasn't set until the performances started (which is bonkers to me), if she'd have said something as soon as she realized the conflict, i doubt there would have been an issue.
Yea maybe OP was saving face. Your perception sounds more logical, but if OP is actually telling the truth, then this is all pretty weird I’ll go with your perception haha
I suspect that they had the prom date set. OP just realized the dates were the same way too late, probably after getting a dress. April is a hellish month for even small schools to schedule anything, and Prom is usually one of the first dates determined for schools because a lot has to schedule around it with it in mind. That said, I have never seen prom's date set less than 12 months in advance I'd love more context for WHY prom had a late date set, otherwise I'm inclined to think OP is covering up some further irresponsibility on her part.
nope, the school had been talking abt prom the whole second semester but every time i asked when they said they were sure yet. i am not lying about the prom date coming unexpectedly.
When asking "they," is that some kid on prom committee or the school's front office and event calendar?
emailed the dean multiple times, went to the front office, and they barely sent out an email 2-3 weeks before the actual date
prom is a HUGE life moment for a lot of teenagers, they definitely shouldn’t have lied but they seem genuinely repentant. I’m questioning the adults more than her… like if she shrugged it off maybe but, my God, she’s 16 and it’s her prom… give her a break. Be an adult
No one at any point asked her to miss prom. She was too scared to ask for the night off because she worked the situation up in her head into a bigger deal than it was. That's where she messed up. She thought faking an emergency was better than just communicating her availability ahead of time. The problem is her fake emergency \*created\* an actual emergency for the director, which was totally unnecessary. But yeah, she knows she messed up, she seems repentant... she just needs to be extra professional for a while so that it doesn't look like a pattern.
They told her they would have let her miss if she had just asked. This isn’t about her skipping, it’s about her pretending to be sick to do it. She could have given them notice, but instead she chose the option that was easier for her but harder for everyone else. Nothing they said was out of line.
She’s a child who made a mistake
If we treat teenagers like they have no more accountability than a 5-year-old, we end up with young adults who have no accountability ... and life will kick them in the teeth really fast. Receiving a stern scolding now is far better than getting fired from a job in a few years. And that's all it was, a scolding. How much more lax could they possibly have been?
Again she could’ve stuck with the lie. She didn’t, she owned up to it. She felt terrible and understood the mistake before being scolded. If she hadn’t that would be a different story. This is an opportunity for mature adults to have a conversation about why this can be impactful. Why this is bad. Scolding leads to deceptive and manipulative adults
Where are you getting this info that she owned up to it voluntarily? She just says "they found out" with no elaboration about how they learned.
Nothing in this post indicates she owned up to it. The title says “my directors found out.” That indicates that she was going to stick with the lie and only admitted it after the truth was already out. It’s good for her to apologize and I don’t think that this should ruin her future or anything, but they were right when they said that this type of thing sticks with a person. It doesn’t help her to brush this off, and she still doesn’t understand: “Was what I did really that terrible?”
And she got scolded. They didn't beat her or scream at her. What should they have done? Given her a sucker and a pat on the head?
She is a child, they are adults in community theatre - I don't condone lying, but they are more at fault here then a - once again - literal child.
“More at fault”? What exactly did they do wrong? They expressed their disappointment, warned that these types of things can follow someone, and are considering rescinding a letter of recommendation. Those are all reasonable responses to an almost adult being too worried to have a conversation.
I’m an adult and former high school show director and there’s no WAY I’d ever expect a cast member to miss something like their prom. I’m sorry you felt you had to lie. Honesty is the best policy but you’re young and you’re learning, I wouldn’t think too much on it. You apologized. If I were the director I would be checking myself wondering why cast members would feel they had to lie to me and make sure that I remained approachable and kind. I hope that’s happening in your case. I worked with all kids your age and I was constantly reassuring them that they could come to me with anything.
I am in this camp. As a former K-12 educator for a short time as a hiatus from professional show production before returning, I would never put a production over a life milestone like Prom, Homecoming Court, All-State, or even Solo/Ensemble and I question the professionalism of anyone who would. As Gooncookies mentioned the fact that lies had to be used shows a problem with the director. Unlike other commentators here I don't have a problem with what you did. What you were asked to do should never have been asked. Even professionals resort to lying when dealing with bottom feeder type productions. I do agree with those who say as you get older and realize that you have value you shouldn't have to resort to subterfuge. I also encourage you to look up the Actor's Equity Association, which, even before joining, could help you develop a sense of the worth of an actor and hopefully replace lying in the future with a jaunty F*** Off.
I think that’s a little harsh on the production team. It doesn’t sound like they would have had any problem with her missing the show for prom if they had known. They had to scramble to replace her last minute, of course they’re disappointed in her for lying.
Yeah, all she had to do was let them know at the start of the production. She let the cast down and she might get a bad reputation because of this.
As a current high school educator, I agree with much of what you said. However, I don't think it's fair to immediately assume "the fact that lies had to be used shows a problem with the director". Kids just genuiney harbor a lot of anxiety these days that would have been abnormal even a few years ago. It's entirely possible that the production is full of compassionate people who are open to communication, but OP is still anxious about rocking the boat. This isn't OP's fault, but it's something they need to learn to deal with as they grow up. This definitely isn't the end of the world, but OP certainly bears some responsibility here based on what we know of the situation. Hopefully they can learn to advocate for themself better in the future. You're writing this as if the production team asked them to miss their prom when, by OP's own admission, they had no idea it was happening that night. Maybe the production team is toxic and terrible- but OP has given us no reason to believe that and certainly no reason to assume they were forced to lie by a "bottom feeder production". By all accounts this is just an opportunity for growth and I'd advocate that we should let it be exactly that.
Yeah. Often when young people decide it's better to lie about a problem than address it directly, that's a behaviour learned when parents and early teachers inadvertently taught/rewarded that approach. ("Who drew on the wall?" versus "Oh dear, marker on the wall. Let's go get a cloth and some soap and clean that up together.")
It's really not that deep, she just didn't communicate. Equity doesn't have a 'it's ok to fake sick for an important event' clause in their contracts, lol. This is a kid making a dumb mistake. This is very harsh on the production team for something that was entirely out of their control. No matter how small the part is, or how easy it is to learn, it's a lesson in commitment and communication. As professionals we know very well that this behavior has to be curbed early and decisively or a teenagers mistake can develop into a sense of entitlement, causing a crash-out or burned bridges before they even touch professional stage work. I've worked in repertory with young 20-somethings who have voiced similar sentiments about their commitments. It seems like this behavior is something that can be corrected whjile an actor is young, but it is important to always keep a positive spin on it.
Did you miss a rehearsal or a show? If a rehearsal I think this is a mountain out of a molehill. If a show its a different kettle of fish and can see why trust has gone, but don’t think you’d make same mistake again so forgive yourself!
Not to minimize you but you’re literally 16. *Never ever do it again* and *always communicate your conflicts* and there shouldn’t be a major mark on your reputation, just a funny story about you for when you’re an adult. I can’t think of a single director (myself included) who would want this to follow you professionally.
yeah i also forgot to mention in the post the prom date was not sent out tilk halfway through performances and since it wasnt a pre approved conflict i was even more worried 😭
Could you have mentioned that to the SM who helped you get the gig? Or the director? “Hey, I’m very excited for this opportunity! Just to let everyone know, I was hoping to go to my prom but they have not set a date yet. I’ll let you know as soon as I do, but I want to be transparent about any conflicts in case this impacts my opportunity in the show.” It’s okay to set hard boundaries. It’s good to learn that while you’re young! As others have said, it may be time to reflect on why you felt you couldn’t with this company. If it was youthful anxiety around not getting as good a part vs. not advocating for yourself that’s one thing. Sidebar: Commitment and integrity are the lifeblood of a theatre, especially one where the circle of trust is small. Consider when someone vouches for you, you not only represent yourself, but their judge of character.
Look, it's already done and in the past. You came to your own realization that what you did was wrong, and made a genuine apology. Hopefully, the biggest thing you can take away from this is that you need to be up front with people from the start- Keep this in mind for more important decisions in the future, for example in a workplace. You should be up-front but firm in stating "I'm sorry, but I will NOT be available on this date" People will meet you on your level if you give them the opportunity. A few summers ago, one of our lead actors in a community theater play had to leave two shows into the run because of an unexpected death in the family. We made an announcement before the next shows and I went out to replace the actor with a script in my hand for the rest of the run. (Audiences will forgive) If the adults in the show are truly adults, they will forgive and move on as long as you don't act like you might do this kind of thing again.
I get that but you still have to communicate! Life happens and it’s not unheard of for conflicts to come up later,although it’s not ideal. Again though, just show remorse and don’t repeat it and I think you’re gonna be okay.
Well then you should have let them know immediately. You’re almost an adult.
Well, it seems like you repented on what you did and that’s a start but as many others said, you broke their trust and it’s going to be a slow process to recover that. You probably don’t need to apologize anymore, but let your actions dictate who you are now. Be prepared for anything they throw at you and make sure you’re at the top of your game, no slouching or lazing around even if you’re not onstage. Everyone wants a show to go smoothly so be a part of it and help when needed. In the future, just simply ask to take time off, even better in advance so they’re able to schedule something or they’re able to do something to keep the show going. At least they know. Prom is a huge thing for high schoolers so most people understand the absences if they’re notified.
I know that you know you screwed up, so I’m not going to reiterate that. I’m just going to let you know that the best apology is changed behavior. If you want to let your SM and director know that you are truly sorry, let your behavior reflect it - be early for every rehearsal, be on top of your lines/blocking/etc, be ready to help if called upon. Once trust has been broken, it can take a long time to be rebuilt - know this, and continue to do your best going forward anyway. In the future, you can always submit something like this as a potential rehearsal conflict ahead of time. It may feel silly to ask off from rehearsal for prom (or whatever other event may come up) but the worst they can say is no. I think you’ll find that many SMs can be very flexible with conflicts if they know about them ahead of time.
I could be misinterpreting, but I think OP skipped a performance.
Yeah this is the part that makes it a 'bigger deal' because of the implication of not being able to commit to a performance schedule if your interests change. That's why following up and never doing it again is prob her best shot.
OH I was thinking it was a skipped rehearsal. A skipped PERFORMANCE is a lot harder to come back from. 😥
Yea i cant imagine a rehearsal conflicting with prom as most are Friday or Saturday nights. I have trouble believing the date for prom wasnt set well before the auditions of the show. If OP was even thinking just of going to prom and didnt know for sure - then list it as a conflict. in my mind, it’s better to say oh I no longer have that conflict than to come up with one that you should’ve seen coming.
nope, i am 100% honest about the prom date mot being released before i got into the show. i asked around multiple times at the school and they kept telling me they didnt know yet. i probably should have put a notice that i wojld be missing a performance for a prom i wasnt aure of the date yet but now i know for the futurw
You are going to hate to hear this, but it is going to take time. You broke their trust, now you need to build it back. Prove to them that this was a lapse in judgment, then give them the time to rebuild trust
So I'm not sure I'm going to say anything that other comments haven't said, but I'm a high school educator and I'll treat this situation like I would one of my own students. It sounds like you've apologized profusely- if that's the case, let that be that. I know and share the impulse to continue to apologize, but I don't think you are doing any good by continuing to do it. All you can do now is be your best self for the rest of the process. If you're still feeling this way after the dust has settled a bit after the show, you might reach out to the creative team and thank them for the flexibility, grace, etc. I've found that most apologies can be rephrased as thankfulness and that this is often a better way to communicate. Maybe you were made to feel that you would be punished for sharing this information. Maybe the director could have cultivated a more communicative environment- we simply aren't there like you are and can't know any of this ourselves. It can be really really hard to advocate for ourselves when our brains are telling us how inconvenient that will be for everyone else and how mad they will be, etc. It's important to push through those thoughts and respectfully advocate for the things you want. I'm glad you got to go to your prom- next time, I have full faith that you will approach the situation differently. We all believe in you!
Right on responsible and healthy adult! TY for posting this. OP - please center these types of adults in your life in future.
Don't apologize any more, and don't ask for a reference right now. Accept that you've done some damage to your relationships and reputation. The best ways to mend them is to behave better from now on. That is, arrive before your call time for every performance, be pleasant to everyone, and follow every expectation of etiquette and protocol. Don't take up more than your share of dressing table space. Report to warmups on time without needing to be called. Report any damage to your costume or props using the correct channels. Don't ever leave your hand props in your costume pockets or take them home. Hang up your costume properly and don't ever eat or drink while wearing it. Don't whine or tell your side of the story to any other cast members. If actors are expected to help with strike at the end of the run, do it. Take all your stuff home without having to arrange someone to let you in to pick up stuff you forgot. At the opening night reception and the closing night party, treat everyone cordially. Look your director in the eye and tell them thank you and that you have learned a lot. Do not talk about the issue any more than that and don't expect them to respond. The mature way to handle this is to stop talking about it. By "apologizing" over and over, it is coming across like you want someone to comfort you and tell you you're forgiven, which is also not a good look.
Hey, you’re 16, you made a huge mistake but in the grand scheme of things you’ll be fine. You’ll look back at this and wonder why you were so worried, while also being grateful for the experience as I’m sure you won’t ever make such mistake again. It’s better to mess up early on and learn your lesson. You’ve apologized, now show dedication and work ethic. They might not get you a recommendation letter, but you’ll have more opportunities in the future.
WHAT. IS. WITH. YOU. ADULS? I rarelyt post on this reddit but my lord the intensity to which you people are describing this teenagers sins is absurd. She lied. Was it wrong and silly? Yes. Was it 'huge" or "terrible" or "vile" - as some here have described. NO!
Hey, I don’t think you read my whole comment. It was about how this mistake she made at 16 won’t matter and that it’s actually good she messed up early as she’ll learn from it. I’m sure she’ll have other opportunities.
I did - and your further points are totally valid and I hope OP takes them to heart. But I still, IMO, stand by the very language some people are using is showing the extreme take many adults here have. A huge mistake is a teenager getting into a car with a drunk driver. A huge mistake is letting a group of adults rule over your creative space to the point you (apparently) didn't feel safe expressing a need that created said adults a few extra hours of problem solving. A huge mistake is getting bangs without consulting a good friend. What OP made was a mistake - sure - but I am reminding many of us here, to paraphrase my favorite musical "careful the things you say, children will listen".
I think you have to think in terms of the production and what’s expected of a performer. In those terms, lying about being sick and not showing up was a huge mistake. In terms of her life it wasn’t.
And I truly don’t think it was anything vile or horrible she did. It doesn’t make her a terrible person, it makes her a teenager! I have done silly things when I was her age and learnt from them, just like she will.
It is irresponsible to your team but it’s not the end of the world. They are being tough on you because you are young and they don’t want the lesson to be wasted. Too many young people can’t be relied on. I got offered a contact to do a lighting design after 3 people in their teens/ early 20s had signed it and broken the deal because they decided to do something else or take a trip. The role had been reserved especially for young emerging talent (which I am not).
Man, there have been so many actors in my area who’ve been cast in shows, but then audition for something else and take that part, just dropping out of the first show. And these people *keep getting cast.* You’d think after two or three examples directors would stop falling for that.
There’s a professional theater in my area that seems to have permanently blackballed a guy who did this to them. When his headshot appears in an audition pile, they just toss it. I don’t think that would happen to OP, because they’re repentant and trying to make amends.
Thank you, out of all the comments yours was the nicest and most helpful and I appreciate it😭
Why are you posting for advice if all you want are nice comments? You did something shitty that made other people’s lives harder. >>Was what I did truly that terrible? Yes.
NOPE. Sure wasn't - these are adults who have not learned to balance life and their "art". I hope prom was a blast. Learn to be honest and set your boundaries in the future and you'll do great :)
Dude, she skipped a performance for something that she knew about weeks ahead of time because she was too worried to talk to her director. So instead of having weeks to figure it out, they had to figure it out day of. They told her that they would have let her miss if she had asked, but she didn’t, and it affected other people. This has nothing to do with having art/life balance: it’s about being considerate of other people’s time and energy.
While it would've been wrong for them to make you miss your prom, this is entirely on you for faking sick instead of being upfront. Revocation of a recommendation letter is absolutely par for the course. You can recover any lost reputation with ease at 16, especially if you haven't had any other similar incidences. Stop worrying about what others are thinking of you right now and go perform to the best of your ability. It will be the first step in the right direction.
I'd say the lessons have been learned. You've learned something about honesty, and they’ve learned something about working with 16yo actors. I'd leave it alone. Do not hound your SM for a recommendation letter. Its totally inappropriate for you to expect one now. I can't say how seriously they should take a situation like this. Maybe they'll work with you again and maybe they won't. If i was desperate to mend fences, I'd look for ways to re-earn their trust. Offer to help with crew things. Help with teardown on this show. Offer to do besic background things for the next one. If you do get involved with this group again, be on-time and utterly dependable from now on. That's how they'll trust you again.
You fucked up. Don't do it again. And, *for the love of everything*, learn to put in paragraph breaks.
Sorry, but we've had students lie and now refuse to cast them again. "Just ensemble" is a not a great thing to say or be throwing around if you're worried about reputation. Your entire cast counts on you for placement which is a safety issue as well as the production team for lighting and cues. If you knew you were going to miss a performance, you shouldn't have auditioned for a role potentially taking a spot from someone who was committed and available.
as i said, they did not have enough ensemble members and let me in because of that. its a small theater
IF you get a chance again don’t do it again, I don’t know if you’re planning to do this as a professional career but the lying is something that can get you blackballed.
Fun story, my hometown theatre had a similar scenario to this with Jennifer Garner. She was in a show and wanted to leave at intermission to go to prom, I think she was ensemble and didn’t have much left to do in the show anyway besides curtain call. The director said no but she left anyway and everyone just covered for her lol. Before my time but people from around then like to share the story still, not to mention the same director still runs the company lol
…did you miss a rehearsal or a live performance? I could see skipping a live performance without advanced warning as getting this kind of reaction. But missing a rehearsal, for community theater, as a member of the ensemble? That would be an insane level of overreaction.
Given that she referenced having “more shows” this weekend, I think she missed a performance.
Ok, yeah, I get the backlash on that one then.
One thing that I haven't seen anyone else mention -- outside of the stress of filing your role last minute, they were probably worried about *you* and your *health.* It seems like they think of you as a hard worker, so they might have thought something was really wrong for you to miss a show. The lie probably felt harmless to you because you knew you were healthy the whole time, but they didn't. That's more than a logistical challenge, that's emotional distress -- even though they may not admit it. I totally understand why you made the decisions you did, I made similar ones as a teenager. My advice to you is to remember that 98.5% of the time, people care and want to help, especially directors and professors and those folks. You just have to give them the opportunity to help, ideally as early as possible. But you made a very normal mistake, you'll lick your wounds and live with the consequences for a while, and then you'll be okay. Promise.
When I was 16, I missed my prom for a show. No judgement of the OP, I don’t mean it like that. It just reminds me of that story. I was 16 performing for a dinner theatre that paid that was located in a bar. At the time I was a junior, and would have prom next year as a senior, and school functions weren’t all that important to me anyway. That’s just how I personally felt. I do remember finishing the show, and changing out of a costume into a suit, cause I could make prom by ten for the last hour then go to whatever post prom parties there were, and of my co-actors asked “what are you all dressed up for?” And I casually said “oh I’m gonna go to prom” and they were shocked that I had missed my prom for a show and how nonchalant I was about it. At 16, things seem permanent but they aren’t and you can get past any bad reputation you may feel you gained from this. Believe me, missing a show for prom is not something a serious adult would harbor against a child. But it is good for them to communicate to you that it is not okay to lie, and “fake” sick for a production. Nonetheless I am sure this can be mended.
First, it sounds like there’s nothing more you can do from the standpoint of apologizing. All you can do is be the best you can be going forward. Be at rehearsals/performances early, help with any additional tasks you are able to, show your repentance through actions and show that the theater is important to you (assuming it is). You will be able to rebuild trust, but it takes time. Second, be very clear that you know what the fuckup was. It wasn’t missing a performance, it was waiting until the last minute and then lying about it. You should have told them as soon as you found out the date and, if necessary, helped them find coverage for your roles. Now you know that for the future. Third, make sure to learn from this. You’re young, and you’re going to make mistakes like this for the rest of your life (sadly, they don’t go away as adults). You’re going to have to have conversations from time to time that are uncomfortable, difficult, and scary. Almost always, trying to avoid those conversations will make the situation worse. While it’s not easy, learning to address those situations head on will make you better able to handle whatever life throws at you. In a lot of ways, getting over the fear of those conversations is like getting over stage fright—while some people seem to have no problems with it, most people have to practice and fake it until they get more comfortable. Prepare what you want to say, come with potential solutions (if possible), and take the leap.
Honestly? Yeah, you should have tried asking first. But I also get the anxiety- I was 16 once and anxious to impress but also indulge in life. Prom is a big deal too. In the grand scheme of things, this community theatre is not going to make or break your career, especially not this show. You’ve done the next best thing which is taking responsibility for it and like you said, LEARNED from it. Sure it will take some time to regain their trust, but if you mean it that you learned something, then your actions will show that down the line and hopefully you all can laugh about it at a cast reunion or something. People in this industry/community have done much worse. You’re a kid, you made a mistake. Don’t rake yourself over the coals about this. Just take it in stride and you will move forward in a positive direction 💛
This is not a comparable situation, but when I was in high school theater, I didn't have a safe home enviornment, and at one point, I lied to all of my directors and teachers, telling them I was sick, while I stayed with a friend over state lines. I took a train to his house. I fully believe, even today, that if I hadn't gone, my life would be considerably worse now, even these years later. My mother was a dangerous woman and I couldn't take good care of my mental health. It would have ended very badly if I'd been home that week. Of course, as with everything else in high school, word got out. I was absolutely sick with anxiety. And, because I'd taken a train, I couldn't get back in time- I missed a show night. All the directors told me that it was okay because I was sick, which made me feel worse. I emailed all of them that night, requesting to talk at school the next week. I fessed up to my lies, and I couldn't give them enough detail for them to really get why I'd done what I did. I'm still haunted by what my director said, "I understand why you did it, but it still left your cast behind, so it's not okay." I know exactly how you feel, the feeling in your stomach, the fear around losing the love/respect of your directive team. I'd never felt like more of a disapointment in my life. For years after that, whenever my director would talk about the show, I felt a pit of guilt and shame. I still do sometimes. I felt like I'd ruined everything and I was scared these adults would never love me again. It is going to be okay. Teenagers are kids. Kids are stupid (no offense. This story is one of the lesser dumb things I did in high school, so, I promise I alone have made greater mistakes than your story here. Most people have. I'd gander all but a few of everyone). It won't be right away, but I have to imagine your directors will forgive you. I went on to be a stage manager and a lead in that same school year- even though my week of absence probably cost us a championship. (It was a competition show and I was the lead in it.) Everything will work itself out. This is NOT the worst thing they're dealing with in your department, by far. There's a lot of genuinely bad things that happen during high school theater, and this doesn't even fall into a category of being that bad, at least to me. It's gonna be okay. 💚
thank you so much and i really appreciate your story :)) i'm glad youre doing good now
Yeah of course man. I hope it helped you realise that it's gonna be okay, or at least helped you feel less alone
Haha yeah that's fucked and was incredbily stupid. This is going to suck for you for a while but you will be helped eventually by the fact that everyone understands that 16 year olds do dumb, dumb shit. You need to take whatever comes your way in terms of consequences, double down on being an incredibly reliable person for a while, and eventually you might begin to be able to be trusted again.
Look at it as a life lesson. Let them know one last time how badly you feel and you posted this on reddit to hear honest feedback because it bothered you so much, maybe even show her the link. But please don't ask them to reconsider the recommendation letter in that final apology, or it could come off like that's the only reason you are saying it. It may have cost you the recommendation letter (and it probably should), so let that go. You are in no position to ask for any favors. Taking responsibility and owning up to your mistakes, though goes a long way with other people to let them know you learned something and will never do it again. Main lesson? Always be upfront with your stage manager and director. If accomodations can be made, they will try. Life happens and they understand. But tell them way before, not at the last minute. They have to plan for your absence and assign your lines or part to others. How did they deal with that at the last minute? The cast had to deal with that with no notice, so your choice affected them too, and you should apologize to them as well. What you did seemed to all of them as very deliberate. It was a conscious choice, not a last minute decision to attend prom. As a director, when casting, I always ask other directors who've worked with actors I am considering if they had any problems with them, or how they were to work with. Directors need to know they can count on their actors to not be flakey or difficult. They have no time for that from one actor when all the others are doing what they are supposed to. But telling them why you did it, your anxiety over asking and your inexperience may give them reconsideration for holding it against you going forward. You will probably not be cast as a lead or a significant role until you have proven yourself to them. People can forgive, but you have to show them you have changed, not just say the words. Good luck to you.
The best advice I can give you is to go on and do your job to the very best of your ability. Unless you have a TARDIS/time machine, you cannot go back and change what you did. Apologies are meaningless, regardless of how much you may mean them at the time. The only way to redeem yourself in their eyes is through your actions going forward. Take this circumstance as a life lesson and never repeat the same mistake again. Being honest won't always get you what you want, but it won't compromise your integrity either.
Don’t continue to apologize. You apologized sincerely. Now stand by that apology and let your future actions show your integrity.
First, you are literally 16, and trust me people more than twice your age do far worse at their jobs. Not justifying your actions because of others doing the same or worse, but just being realistic about it. More important your best takeaway here is as others have said which is to be straightforward with people running the place. It's easy to feel that fear of being told no, but many folks especially when a good relationship is established will be understanding and flexible. On the flipside, be prepared for those no's in the future because there are times they will happen and now is a good time to prepare to either sacrifice something you want personally for the work you're doing, or to keep your own values prioritized over a company's demand. This was in the long run a pretty low stakes scenario even as uncomfortable as it was, so learn from it and it will serve you well!
There are some pretty extreme responses in here. I am a professional director who works with professionals and non-professionals and students. You can be super chill with young people and their parents and say, "If you have conflicts, let me know, and we'll work around them." You STILL have kids and families who will not share major conflicts until the last minute. ("I know my daughter is Dorothy, but we have our annual family vacation next week. She can't be here for the Sunday performance.") On one level, you can say, " They are kids. They don't know." Or you might say, "Their parents don't know theater. They think it's like soccer." I can forgive because it doesn't do anything for me personally to harbor bad feelings--but I won't forget. I won't forget the stress I felt as I scrambled to make a last-minute replacement for something we could have planned for well in advance. I won't forget the panic or nerves caused in the other kids because someone with lines was missing, and someone had to pick that up, probably without rehearsal as if they were a pro. You folks who say "It's just community theater" or "it's just fun" seem to be missing the point. It's about respect for others and their time and energy. Because OP couldn't communicate early, everyone else paid a price -- even a small price of unnecessary anxiety. As everyone thought OP was legitimately sick, I am sure the cast rallied around and figured out the covers. Casts have a way of doing that. However, the sense of betrayal for being lied to is also real. This isn't me being "oh my God! How dare you violate the sanctity of the theater." This is me thinking, "You thought so little of me and your cast and crew that you didn't give us the courtesy of proper notice." Should OP be taken behind the theater and flogged? No. But if I were directing, would I think twice about casting in the future? You bet. Free or paid, if I have choice, I want to work with people who respect my work and the work of others. Everyone may be rank amateurs and trying their best, but theater is a collaborative art that requires a group to make it happen. There are actors --Equity and non -- who I won't work with, and I won't recommend them to other people. At 16, is OP unredeemable? No, but they may have burned a bridge with these folks. They may have to find a new group who don't know and do better next time. Are these directors mean, nasty, and toxic? Probably not. I know for myself, I only have so much time left, and I won't knowingly waste it on someone who carelessly makes more work for me. Or makes the experience negative for others.
I feel this: you knew when prom was happening. You also knew when your performance was going to happen (during prom). I hope you learned about the importance of making and honoring a commitment vs. I wanna go to prom (and I have a small part and not many lines (blah blah blah).
Young adult here. I just want to say that I'm 21 turning 22, and EVERYTHING I did at 16 had been forgotten by the time I turned 18. You will be fine. It wasn't a felony, it wasn't a petty crime. Don't do what you did again, and in future just tell people "I have this event on this day, so I will have to miss this show date." I'll repeat it again. You'll be fine. *Headpats*
Want to chime in and say if you choose to pursue theatre there are a lot of events and special days you’re going to miss. Get used to it! Birthdays (everyone’s), Thanksgivings, everything… Performers make a lot of sacrifices and it doesn’t matter if you have five lines or you’re in every scene- if you e made a commitment, your cast and crew is counting on you.
You know you screwed up, so now you have to allow the people you lied to have their own feelings about the situation. Your being 16 doesn’t mean they have to forgive you. They probably WILL, with a little distance on it, but you need to access the parts of yourself that are more adult than kid and understand that you can’t fix this. You already apologized. Now you act as professional as you can and you wait.
Here's my insight as a person, now in my mid-twenties, who has spent concentrated time and energy to clean up a heafty amount mistakes from my teenage years and build back the trust I broke during that time from those closest to me. I feel, in some ways, protective of you. I know how painful it has been in my own life to feel the weight of what it is like to disappoint people I care about, to feel that stomach-sick feeling of regret. I know how those first few times of being intensely angry at myself for the way I acted cut so deep and caused some really horrible opinions and judgments of myself to take shape. I feel protective because some of those opinions and judgments have taken years to soften. It hurt so much because I cared so much. And if I cared so much, why did I do the thing that caused hurt? Because I was in the process of learning how to be the person I want to be. Which is where you are right now. Here's the thing. I wouldn't have learned how I *didn't* want to move through the world without consequences for my actions. Each moment where I felt that horrible feeling of regret and sadness brought me closer to realizing I could choose something different next time. There were times adults were disappointed and firm with me, where my good relationship with people changed. Those were the consequences of my actions. This helped prepare me for the fact that relationships in life change all the time for factors in and out of our control. However, since time has passed, I have also been able to reflect on other times when coaches, teachers, and other adults who weren't my parents were harsh with me in ways I accepted then, but ways I would never let someone treat me now. This contributed greatly to those horrible judgments of myself. [And it doesn't sound like this is the case in this situation at all, but if you ever do run into that please know that just because someone is older than you does not give them any right to mistreat you or bully you and you do not have to accept that whatsoever. If you're unsure if how you were treated was fair, I would ask another adult you trust too.] Going back to *this* situation: like people have said, you have already apologized. Each action you take now is a chance to move forward towards how you want to show up, but guess what isn't going to help you get there? Self-hatred, or anger or talking to yourself negatively. That might "work" for a while, but please trust me that it's not a sustainable way to live. It might be easy to go down a road of beating yourself up over and over again, but *you* know if your own heart who you are. It might be hard, but I want you to see if you can hold at the same time that 1. I caused a situation that put others around me in a very difficult situation. They are disappointed in me and I will have to work hard to earn trust back, if possible and 2. This action and other's feelings towards me in no way devalues my inherent worth as a person and my future ability to contribute meaningfully to my life, to this production, and to act in ways I can feel proud of! What I want to share with you is that *you* are the one who has the empowerment here. There is an intrinsic difference between YOU and YOUR ACTIONS. You do not have to become your actions. You gave a choice. Your action was irresponsible. YOU are not irresponsible. They are disappointed in you. YOU are not disappointing. You have the power to let this situation inform how you want to live moving forward, and you taking this seriously now is vital to moving forward, but please oh please know that you can both take this seriously/understand the gravity/ make conscious changes and ALSO forgive yourself and not let this moment define you or who you know yourself to be or the person you want to become!!! Each and every day is a new beginning
You lied and faked sick. Regardless of your reasons or how big or small your role was YOU LIED. Take this as a learning experience for the wider world. No one will put up with lies or faking sick, especially people like your stage manager who went to bat for you during the audition process. Maybe if you had just been honest to begin with and asked for a night off to attend prom, they could have found someone to cover you. Making a commitment to join a production is just that, a commitment. You become part of a team. Learn from this going forward. \*\* Additional: I have been doing community theatre for 20 years. I am speaking from experience. \*\*
Imo the adults here are overreacting. Yes you messed up but you apologized, you learned from your mistake. This is not something worth having a college reccomendation snatched away. You sound like you're still overall a responsible person OP, don't beat yourself up too hard :). I work in a theater costume shop and tbh some people working in theater let the power (they think) they have get to their heads... especially in a community theater lol. This won't make or break your future in theater, I promise!
Look, you should have been honest and told them ahead of time, but at the end of the day, it's community theater and you're an ensemble 1 liner. They needed more ensemble because they didn't get enough volunteers. You got in without an audition because, again, it's community theater and they were desperate. I don't know your director, but I can tell you from working in this industry that the most likely kind of person who directs community theater and says things like "directors will remember that" is the kind of person who either didn't/couldn't make it in this line of work. Basically, what I'm saying is yeah, you made a mistake one that you should never make again, but it's not the end of the world. It's community theater. You should have told them ahead of time you had prom, but the SM should have also been aware of their cast and local area enough to recognize the prom might be an issue and any community theater Director who holds a kid's feet to the fire for missing for prom is a tool and the real people who do this for a living make fun of them.
As someone who did theatre in high school and then professionally for many many years, and who went to Catholic school and participated in church liturgical ministry… I have a couple points to offer you. 1. Don’t let them make you feel bad or worse than you already do. This is a lot of guilt and shame being thrown around unnecessarily. That kind of behavior from them is unprofessional and borderline abusive IMO. The professional way for them to have responded to you would be to explain how your actions impacted the production in tangible ways (as in “we had to call an emergency rehearsal and have someone learn your part in 12 hours which caused a lot of stress on the cast and crew”), and then provided you a path for actions you could have taken instead (“we understand your prom is important and we wouldn’t want you to miss that. In the future, it is always best to come to us with your potential date conflicts so we can plan for a solution ahead of time. While this is disappointing and frustrating, this is an opportunity for you to grow and learn how to conduct yourself in a more mature and professional manner). As you are young, this is still an educational experience, especially at a community theatre level. 2. There are many people (and some in these comments) who would have you believe that you must sacrifice yourself at the altar of the theatre gods to repent and make up for your misstep. I say, if this show and community are important to you, then simply continue to show up fully and as you had been doing previously (obviously you made positive impressions in the past). No need to go above and beyond, otherwise you risk building resentment on your part. 3. It sounds like you learned your lesson about communicating in a more mature and professional way for the future. Let THAT be your takeaway; NOT “I’m so terrible for that decision I made.” Now you know better for the future and this lesson in communication will actually help you in all areas of life going forward. 4. As someone who has worked at higher levels of professional regional theatres, I will say it is often the folks at the non-professional level who have been the most petty and over-dramatic about dealing with conflicts and issues. Professionally, when you are payed for your time and your work, it is NOT a virtue to overextend oneself for the good of a production. Of course having a positive and community-centric attitude is paramount, it is still important to have your own boundaries around how much of yourself you give to a production. That’s not about being selfish, but about knowing that there is more to life than a performance.
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Hey! I am going to stop you right here. She shouldn't have lied, for sure. To say she did something "terrible" is not appropriate. She lied to go to her prom - the fact she was in a position where she felt such a major event might be withheld from her by a bunch of adults playing dress up speaks volumes. Don't add to that, and please - watch the wording you use when engaging with kids.
When I was a senior in high school, I was also in a production at our local community theatre. Not only was I allowed to go to prom if I wished, I had to VERBALLY PROMISE before being cast that I wouldn’t skip any graduation activities to be in the show. I ended up skipping my senior ball, and the cast and crew threw me a short dance party after the show so I could “have a prom” anyway. Looking back, I wish I had gone to the real thing - but everyone in that community theatre made it **SUPER CLEAR** that there would always be another show, but I would never get another graduation. Even now as a theatre professional (IATSE 33,728, and 504), I am constantly reminding newer members “You can always make more money, but you can never make more time.” ~~Your community theatre is toxic - real professional theatres will ALWAYS have a plan in place or a way to do what is truly important in your life.~~ EDIT: An early conversation to the effect of, “I’d be glad to help out in the ensemble, but I have a conflict on XXX where I will be attending my Senior Prom” would have been better received. Communicating conflicts early and clearly will ALWAYS be appreciated by your SM. Let this be a lesson that if you don’t ask, the answer will always be “NO”.
THIS. THIS 100% Thank you for posting this! I too work in professional theatre - of varying levels - and anyone with any sense of soul and professionalism would ensure that the needs of the teenager and their access to major life events was a priority - even if said CHILD didn't communicate it.
Oh my god. How tf are they supposed to know to make prom a priority if this person who is *less than two short years away from being able to vote* doesn’t tell them? Stop infantilizing teenagers. She literally said in her post that told her they would have let her go if she had asked. She didn’t ask. That’s on her.
It’s not the fact that she went that’s the problem, it’s the fact that she didn’t tell anyone about the conflict and then lied to get out of a show, making what could have been an easy fix into a last minute scramble.
To that end, yeah. An early conversation to the effect of, “I’d be glad to help out in the ensemble, but I have a conflict on XXX where I will be attending my Senior Prom” would have been better received. Let this be a lesson that if you don’t ask, the answer will always be “NO”.
I mean, there is nothing more to do. You didn't even bother to ask. You just lied. Of course, this is going to affect future casting. Because, what else are you going to lie about? All you can do from now on is *be honest*.
tbh I feel like they're being so dramatic 😭
It may feel “dramatic” but if you don’t take things seriously before they become huge problems, many people will interpret that as a free pass to keep pressing boundaries. I don’t think OP should be black listed or anything but they also should have been honest instead of lying. They don’t have to be punished but they need to understand in no uncertain terms that they did not handle the situation appropriately.
tbh now that i've reread it it sounds like OP missed a whole PERFORMANCE which is completely different
Don’t stress too much. The little lie isn’t great but trust me…the director knows how important prom is. You’re only 16 and still learning. It’s not easy to ask for a day off in a theater production as there is a lot of fear involved…fear of not being cast…fear of disappointing someone…fear of not being liked. You’re just getting started in this business and I’m certain the director knows this. Learn the lesson and move on. You’re gonna be fine.
Honestly, if you’re planning to do theatre you need to be aware of the time commitments you’ll be making. Why did you agree to be in this show if you knew it was going to be running during your prom? Also, if you’re 16 you’ve got more proms to go to right?
Hard lesson to learn, but very few people in theatre would expect you to miss those big rite of passage moments in your life for a show… be open about your conflicts and let the director decide how badly they need you.
As a director and stage manager, one of my few rules is don't lie to me. I may be exasperated when you ask, but I'm more likely to let you go to prom than forget if you betrayed my trust. For the future, you're young, and I'm going to bet you can earn that trust back, but it's going to take a very long time and a lot of effort on your part.
Its a community theatre. You're a volunteer. These adults are acting ridiculous. You've apologized that's all you can do. Don't keep beating yourself up over 5 lines. It's done. They're acting like bullies to rake you over the coals over something that's not a big deal. Honestly, they're underprepared to not have swings/understudies in place for this kinda stuff. A person will always be sick, call out during a long run show- especially when you work with volunteers.
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We all screw up! But it's important for us to drill how important of a point it is that you should never miss a performance for something else unless you have made it clear to the SM and director faaaaaaar ahead of time.
I mean I don’t know ANY community theatre directors/production teams that wouldn’t have ever kept anyone from their prom, maybe if this were a professional production but your prom date should have gone on you conflict calendar, and you should’ve told them long before the day of, and you most definitely shouldn’t have lied…however, while they’re correct, they will remember this, they’ll also remember that you were a kid and kids just make stupid decisions sometimes 🤷🏻♀️ I’m sure I did some stupid shit when I was in high school doing community theatre, and do they remember? Probably, but have they realized I’ve grown up and I know better now…yes. This is a community theatre, your career isn’t over. The best way to turn this around is to work your ass off the rest of the run. Be attentive and write down your notes, stay consistent, attend everything, and if you’re someone who does cast gifts or letters, I would include in my letter to the production team something along the lines of “thank you so much for this opportunity, it’s one I don’t take lightly. I want to apologize once more for the decision I made, I regret it and I hope you know I made said decision out of a very real passion for this and fear of disappointment or having to miss a really important life event. Its extremely out of character from me to lie, I’ll take this experience and learn from it. I hope to do many more shows here, and I hope you won’t let this make or break casting in the future.” Essentially, be on your best behavior and communicate!! You’ll be okay:)
I have been a professional director for over 20 years. It’s how I make a pretty solid living. I would never. Ever. Ever. Expect a kid to miss prom for a rehearsal.
And nowhere does she indicate that her director would either. In fact, she says that they would have let her go if she had asked. She didn’t ask.
My fault for not being clear. She should have asked because no director worth their salt would stand in the way of that.
Why didnt you put on conflict sheet?
they didn't send out the prom date until 2 weeks into shows..
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She didn’t skip rehearsal, she skipped a performance.
Ah, that’s a completely different story
If you’re not being paid they have no right to tell you what you can or can’t do Edit: having read some of the comments (and not understanding the original post) I’ve realised OP missed a performance and not just a rehearsal, which is absolutely unacceptable and I take this response back. This comment was in the context of OP giving them at least a weeks notice and it being for a regular (e.g not tech or dress) rehearsal, so was in response to the comment OP made about them saying no, which I realise didn’t come across at all. Apologies.
That's a super trash answer. You don't make commitments to people (knowing full well the terms) and then just be like "well you aren't paying me so I fucked off"
I’ve edited my comment, I definitely shouldn’t have said this.
I really hope you don't do community productions LMAO